Chapters My Life as a Teenage Bardock
A familiar scene plays in the mind of one man. A lone renegade stands at the precipice of global annihilation, a grim punctuation to his warrior race.
In the orbit around the planet Vegeta, the vile tyrant Freeza is about to annihilate the Saiyan Race from his starship. Despite getting past Freeza’s army, the lone Saiyan, Bardock now was no power to fight him or even survive the planet's destruction.
“You know, the funny thing is, Bardock, even if you had seen this coming, there’s nothing you could have done about it.” Freeza mocked the saiyan warrior’s pathetic attempt to stop the death of the Saiyan Race.
“You don’t… you have no goddamned idea.” Bardock muttered to the tyrant.
“Mmm, and even if you told every single Saiyan, none of them would have even believed you.” Zarbon said while tossing his ponytail behind him.
“Just… please stop talking.” Bardock was tired of this shit already.
“And you never even got a chance to say goodbye to your son.” Dodoria taunted
‘I have one of those? Oh god, I have TWO of those!’
“Consider this downsizing on a global scale! You can pick up your unemployment checks wherever you end up.” Freeza said as he charged up his colossal Death Ball.
"GO TO HELL!" Bardock summoned the last bit of his strength and fired an energy blast at the vile tyrant.
"See, that was my first guess." With a mere flick of his wrist, the evil tyrant launched his attack, his energy ball consuming Bardock’s blast. One would assume that a warrior’s final thoughts would be poetic.
‘Ah, crapbaskets…’ well they can’t be all poetic.
And so, with a macabre flash of blinding light, the howling laughter of a blood-parched tyrant echoing through his mind, so ends the tragic fate of Bardock.
. . . .
It was just turning to midnight in a small town, the quiet streets, the lampposts turning on their flickering lights, a rhythmic of night's brutal romantic conquest over daylight. All was well as a teenager staying at a friend's home for a school break was now going to bed. This man was David Wilson, an average Joe if you ever saw him. he made good grades, had great friends and family, life seemed to spare him its twisted sense of cruelty.
David had just finished watching an anime special episode called ‘Episode of Bardock.’ David had been a fan of Dragonball Z since he was just starting high school and he recently found out about the Bardock stuff from his friends. it took awhile to watch it all but he was impressed by the display. Eventually he went to bed and dreamed of what it would be like to be Bardock.
This is the part where David realizes his little fantasy...however, fire trucks soon arrived at a home in that neighborhood. It seems that a commercial airplane had lost an engine and had to make an emergency landing, thankfully all the passengers made it to safer, but that was not the case with David Wilson.
The plane’s engine had in fact dropped right on top of the sleeping David, crushing him into a fine fleshy paste before exploding and set fire to the home...only David died that day. Some say that he found peace in the better place.
. . . .
It was a sunny warm summer’s day in Ponyville square. The idle chatter of the town’s ponies and the clacking of hooves on the cobbled stones of the little town's streets were the only sounds that permeated the air. All around were little houses with thatched roofs, brick and stucco walls, and happy ponies in the doorways. Vendors called to ponies from behind their stalls and in front of their carts. The smell of baked goods and fresh produce wafted from every corner.
Within the town’s center where the old tree library use to be was now Twilight’s castle, a large, beautiful building made from a mystical crystal like substance, and filled with all the amenities a Princess of Friendship like Twilight Sparkle could ever want. Twilight was reading a lovely novel in her study when a knock on the door caught her attention. She quickly ran to the door to find the mail mare Derpy Hooves had come to drop off a message. After greeting and thanking Derpy, Twilight took the message to her study to read it. The Princess sat in her comfortable chair and began to read.
Dear Twilight
I have felt a strange disturbance within the Everfree forest, it is nothing too alarming, however it has made sending you mail the normal way temporarily out of service, but I would like you to keep an eye out for anything odd or strange and report it to me as soon as possible.
Your Friend
Princess Celestia
. . . .
David awoke to his general surprise as he felt the earth beneath.
“W-where am I? Am I alive? I feel... weak. What happened? The last thing I remember was sleeping in my friend's bed. I think?” David slowly began to open his eyes. He lifted his head and looked around him. The only two things he could see in this fog were trees, and grass. 'Why am I in a forest?' David slowly began to lift the rest of his body.
“Did I die?! And what the fuck!!” David looked down at his body to noticed his now muscular battled scarred body with a monkey tail around his waist, he panicked and rushed to a nearby pond to see that he was now Bardock.
“Oh god, am I in Hell?!”
He assumed that hell would be mostly fiery or the ground would be made of spikes, or rotting corpses of male virgins, not a foggy forest. David wiped the dirt off his body. It was then he noticed he was naked, and to his surprise his ‘male attachment’ was oddly impressive now. Getting that weird thought out of his mind he ignored this nude glory.
To his disappointment, David tried to fly but could not get off the ground, he tried to blast a tree but nothing. Well it looked David that he was going to have to find out where he was the old fashion way. David stumbled through forest in his nudity, it was not meant for rough terrain, but it would have to do. Progressively, a feeling overtakes him. Something feels different, the air was surprisingly clean and pure.
After what felt like an hour of walking barefoot in the forest, the lone warrior finally found a opening in the forest wall. What he saw made him very concerned, as before him was a vast luscious landscape of various colors and in the middle of it was a primitive town, like something out of a old cartoon. Now this wouldn't normally bother him, except when he heard a noise and hid behind a tree. He peaked around to see something truly horrific. A pastel yellow colored pony, it was picking some wild berries as scooted away, leaving David unnoticed.
‘Crap…I can’t tell if I’m in hell or somewhere worse. I better follow this candy colored freak to find out.’ This slowly built a case that he may not be in hell…maybe.
David followed the little Pegasus, making sure to keep a safe distance from it. The Pegasus lead David to a little cottage where it opened the door and went inside with a few cute animals following it.
David noticed some clothes on a drying wire, he took them and bolted into the forest. David is unaware that the man he looks like now is in fact still alive...sort of.
My Life as a Teenage Bardock
In the few days since the now Saiyan David had appeared in the forest, he took to resting within a secluded cave he stumbled upon. David thank his good fortune that he took survival training from boy scouts. There was a river with clean water that he could boil in a stone bowl he had carved out with a dull rock, fresh fish to eat, and a few wild berries that he had collected on the edge of the forest. The water from the river tasted very pleasant, and the meager meal that had been collected wasn’t horrid either.
“Well this is a fucking great mess.” David still had the problem of only wearing a loincloth made from that fabric he took from the pony thing and he was cold.
“If it gets any colder, I could use my rock hard nipples as a pair of chopsticks…fucking freezing.”
‘Freeza!!!’
David grabbed his head in pain as a loud scream echoed in his mind. Tears began to pour out of his eyes as the same word was screamed over and over.
‘Freeza!!!’
“For Fuck’s sake shut up!!” David’s little bit of patience snapped.
‘Who the hell are you?! Why do you look like me?!’
“Bardock?”
‘How do you know my name, am I dead, is this hell?’ Bardock was confused as David tried to calm him down.
“Look, let’s just say I’ve heard of you…and you did die…and I think I did too.”
‘So is this hell?’
“I don’t know…I woke up in this forest looking like you and…well.”
‘What?’
“Did they ever have ponies on planet Vegeta?”
‘Are you high or just really stupid?’
“Hey I know what I saw…weird colored ponies living in medieval style houses.” David slowly realized how crazy that sounded.
‘Great, just fucking great, I’m in a hell that sounds like a pixie vomited a rainbow, I can’t use my own body cause some freak is in control of it and… why am I naked?!’
“You're...We...I’m not naked, I’m wearing a loincloth...Look, let me show you” David got a small sack of supplies, just in case, and traveled to the cottage.
. . . .
Within the small, quaint wooden cottage outside of ponyville, Fluttershy, the yellow pegasus sleeps peacefully in her large oak bed next to her pet rabbit friend, Angel, who was tweaking while dreaming. Eventually the sun’s rays awoke her and Angel, the duo began making their way to the kitchen. Fluttershy had prepared some warm oatmeal for herself and a fresh carrot for Angel, unaware of the creature looking in her kitchen window.
“See, a pony in a cottage.”
‘Oh god…’
“Now that you’ve calmed down, let’s go back to the cave.”
. . . .
It was now late in the afternoon as two fillies wandered into the Everfree Forest. Now usually it would be three fillies traipsing into the forest as they usually do, but this time was a bit different. In fact, Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon found themselves playing the ‘adventurous fillies’ today.
“This is so annoying, why are we walking around here for? Everything is so dirty in here.” Whined Diamond Tiara.
“You're the one who wanted to prove you're just as ‘adventurous’ as the Cutie Mark Crusaders.” Silver Spoon had a point.
“I'm next time I have an idea like that, for the love of Celestia, slap me until I’m about as smart as Apple Bloom.”
The two fillies trotted for some time until they heard a rustling in the bushes nearby. Out of curiosity, they looked inside. There was a small pack of Diamond Dogs, each of which was checking their equipment and sharpening their spears. Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon were about to slowly back away when they were grabbed.
“Look what I found.” The one Diamond Dog said to the pack.
“Little ponies…” another Diamond Dog took them and put them in a net sack.
The fillies screamed but they were too far away from town for any other pony to hear them.
. . . .
“What was that noise?” David stopped in his tracks as the sound of faint screaming caught his attention.
‘Probably just something being torn to shreds by something. Huh, that reminds me, we're hungry...let’s get back to the cave that way we can discuss the pecking order in this relationship.’
“I’m going to check it out.”
After shuffling through the forest, David arrived to see too little pony children in a sack being held hostage by what looked like dog people. The Diamond Dogs brought their spears up when they saw the strange monkey thing. David was going to try and talk his way out of this, but then he had a small headache and Bardock took control. Of course the Diamond Dogs attacked. To their dismay, Bardock easily dodged the spears they threw at him before he then proceeded to run up to the first Diamond Dog and hit it once, sending it flying into the air. The Saiyan then backflipped over the pack and one by one, beat the living fuck out of them.
It took a minute, but Bardock easily defeated the now unconscious Diamond Dogs. Once the fight was over, Bardock’s head ached and David found himself in control of the body once more. David was impressed by Bardock’s fighting skills as he walked to the frightened fillies and let them out of the net.
“There you go, no need to thank me.” David said, taking all the credit for the fight.
In mere seconds, a rock hit David in the head, knocking him out. Clearly Diamond Tiara was showing her gratitude. The two fillies looked upon the unconscious monkey thing and decided to drag him to Fluttershy’s cottage, that way they could figure out what to do with him.
“If he could beat up those nasty diamond dogs so easily, why couldn't he dodge a rock?” Silver Spoon muttered as she dragged him by his arms.
“Eeyup, he should have dodged.” Diamond Tiara retorted.
My Life as a Teenage Bardock
Within a void as black as ink, two figures stood in its endless echo. Bardock, the lone Saiyan Warrior, and David the Human. Bardock noticed where David was and walked up to the lucid dreaming David. Bardock kept an open hand as he slapped David awake.
“Wake the fuck up, maggot!” Bardock took the chance to beat the hell out of the guy he believed hijacked his body.
David squirmed and jumped up on the nonexistent ground to see Bardock in the flesh, he then looked at himself to see he now looked like himself once more. David wondered where they were, to which Bardock told him that they are in a dream of some kind. Bardock walked up to David at laid some rules down as he could.
“Okay David, let’s dish out the pecking order here…there is you, the dirt of this god forsaken planet, the worms in the dirt, The contents of a hobo’s shit filled pants, any random rotting dead body, and finally me.”
“Hey, what makes you think you can boss me around?!” David protested.
“Because I’m pretty sure were still in the same body…My Body! So unless you want me to tear you a new ass, you’d better give me full control of it!” Bardock believed that he could easily frighten this worm, however…
“Fuck you Bardock, I don’t know what the hell is going on anymore, but I know letting you have this body is a bad idea!”
“Okay that’s it, you’re dead.”
“You think you can beat me?! Well, welcome to OZ bitch!” David, to his and Bardock’s surprise, shot an energy blast from his hand, causing Bardock to backflip away.
Bardock dashed to David, who thanks to watching a lot of the Dragon Ball Z anime, easily blocked the attack. The two proceeded to beat the crap out of each other for what seemed like an eternity, a punch here and energy blast there, it seemed endless until…
“Break it up you two.” Out of nowhere, a strange mismatched creature appeared of colossal size appeared, holding both fighters in each of it’s hands.
“Who the hell are you?!” both fighters screamed.
“Well isn’t this an interesting predicament we have here…I am Discord, Spirit of Chaos.” Discord grinned at the two fighters in his claws.
“What in the bloodiest hell do you want?” David was very confused and needed some answers.
“You see, I am the one who brought you to life after your little mishaps that landed you two in my clutches.”
“Okay can someone please, for the love of Space Christ, tell me what is going on?” Bardock was just lost at this point.
“Gladly…you see myself and a few other cosmic beings know of you Bardock…and I made a bet with an associate of mine that if you could beat a warrior he picked, I would win trip to Tamrial…but I couldn’t have the ‘mighty Bardock’ loose on Equestria without a restraint.” Discord looks at David.
“I looked all over the afterlife for someone compatible with Bardock and there you were David, someone who wouldn’t go on a pony killing spree…so I put David’s mind in Bardock’s body…Bardock can fight the other warrior and David keeps Bardock in check, a win for me.”
“What the hell gives you the right to do this to me!?” Bardock screamed.
“Same here, I’m not a babysitter for sociopaths.” David retorted.
“How about this…David, if Bardock beats the other warrior, after I win the bet, I’ll send you home before your death and make it so that it never happened.” David thought about that deal for a few minutes.
“Okay, works for me.”
“I don’t see what I get out of this.” Bardock muttered.
“Well guess who the other warrior is…here is a hint…he killed you.”
“Freeza!”
“Ding, ding, we have a winner! Now you have one year to train for the battle…have the ponies help you, and don’t tell them about this little bet I made…now wake up.”
. . . .
David awoke in a soft warm bed. It was softer compared to what he was used to, but he didn’t really care. He forced himself to sit up, ignoring the searing pain that rushed through his body. He looked around the room he was in. It was primitive in design yet made of crystal-like material and there was next to no technology present inside.
He removed the covers over his body, It was then he noticed he was wearing Bardocks saiyan warrior outfit, he guessed Discord didn’t want him nude anymore. He looked to his side to see a group of ponies and that spirit, Discord standing nearby a few feet from the bed.
“Greetings, I’m Twilight Sparkle and these are my friends. Two little fillies here said you saved them from some Diamond Dogs. At first we weren't sure what you are or how you got here, but thanks to Discord, we know exactly why you're here.”
“Really?” David was skeptical.
“Of course, Discord said that he summoned you here to help fight an powerful evil coming to Equestria...right?”
“Yep, that why I’m here.” David decided to just roll with Discord’s story. David had a small headache from the rock that knocked him out.
“Oh my gosh, a new pony or non pony in Ponyville… I’ve gotta sing you the welcome song!!” Pinkie Pie was as ecstatic as usual, but her annoying song made Bardock gain control for a moment. Bardock stood up and looked at the ponies.
"There is nothing about this whole scenario that doesn't make me so disgusted I want to violently vomit out my own internal organs, I despise you all so intensely that I can’t tell if my vision is blurry from my brain concussion, or from my unforgiving rage. If allowed, once I am back to controlling my own body, I will gut you all with an honest to God smile on my face, and then proceed to paint the home I build with your bodies with your very blood...."
"Did you hear that Pinkie? You made a friend!" Discord said to the pink pony beside Bardock.
"YAYYYY!" Pinkie Pie screamed with joy.
Bardock slipped back into the void of his mind and David found control again, and so each pony of the group greeted David as a new guest in Ponyville. David was nice to the ponies as Bardock made little comments…
‘Hey, I wonder how these magical ponies breed?’
“Oh god, Bardock get your head out of the gutter.”
‘Just ask those ponies to breed for us…I’m curious.’
“No.”
‘Or ask two female ponies…I’m ‘bi’ curious too.’
David knew this was going to be a long, painful year.
My Life as a Teenage Bardock
David soon found himself being guided toward the town by the pastel coloured ponies. Seeing that several of them seemed nervous, he decided to break this ice.
“Hey, I’m sorry about what was said earlier… Y’know, the thing about the blood and the… house made of bodies thing… In my defence, that wasn’t me talking, it was this other guy.”
“Oh,” Twilight Sparkle perked up. “So that was that fighting spirit that comes out when you’re in danger that Discord told us about. What was his name, Bardock?” David nodded at the purple princess. “It must be really strange, sharing a body with another being.”
David stretched a little as they continued walking. “Tell me about it, it’s like being in a really weird episode of Yu-Gi-Oh.” This comment seemed to catch the attention of the white unicorn of the group. He believe her name was Charity or something like that. He wasn’t really paying attention when they were giving introductions.
“What is ‘Yu-Gi-Oh’ that you speak of? It sounds rather… exotic…”
“It sounds like one of those really weird comics from Neighpon.” The pony with the rainbow coloured mane spoke up. David still couldn’t tell if this one was male or female.
‘I have no idea what this Yu-Gi-Oh is, but it sounds like something counselor Nappa would like.’
David scratched that back of his neck before he gave his explanation. “It’s a story about a kid that shares his body with the spirit of an ancient king that lives inside a puzzle that he wears around his neck and they play card games to summon monsters and gods to save the world.” He saw that everyone around him was staring at him, surprised by what he had said.
“Eeyup, he’s definitely an alien alright.” The southern sounding one said as she turned her attention back to the road. David made sure to have a talk with this “Applejacks” mare some time.
. . . .
After the two young ponies left, David’s little entourage had taken him to a small bakery that they said was named Sugarcube Corner. After all of the customers fled in terror at the sight of the saiyan warrior before them, David and the rest took some seats at a nearby table.
“Alright David, as a way of welcoming you to Ponyville, pick out whatever you’d like to eat and I’ll get it for you!” Pinkie Pie said as she bounced away from her chair and over towards a plump blue mare with a pink mane and tail.
“Okay… Could I have a cream puff?”
“Sure thing, David.” Pinkie then turned to face the blue mare. “Just deduct it from my pay, Mrs. Cake.”
“Uh… Sure thing, Pinkie… One cream puff… coming up…” As the plump mare was was getting David’s snack ready, Bardock started up a mental conversation.
‘Hey, speaking of cream puffs, do you think should also get some of these things start training to fight some of FREEZA! Um… Sorry about, it’s just that I think FRE…. that guy’s name seem to be my trigger now. Anyway, think we should to fight… hisarmy?’
‘Bardock, do you really that’s a good idea? These guys seem pretty peaceful.’
‘My point exactly! These guys are so tame and weak that they could probably get completely annihilated by someone as weak and utterly pathetic as Raditz.’
‘Isn’t he your son?’
‘... What’s your point? At any rate, you just know that he’ll sick his army on these guys.’
‘But isn’t our great big fight against him supposed to be one on one?’
‘Oh yeah, and you just know that the evil tyrant that wants to take over the universe and blows up planets on a whim will totally obey rules and fight fairly.’
‘... Point taken.’
At that point, Mrs. Cake had brought David his cream puff. As David started to chew on the delicious pastry, Bardock piped up again.
‘Ugh… I can’t believe you’re eating something like that...’
‘What are talking about, Bardock? This cream puff’s the best.’
‘Eh… your milage may vary, but I was actually talking about the nutritional value of it.’
‘Oh please don’t tell me you’re going to start giving me a PSA about healthy eating or some crap.’
‘Listen, we need to be at our physical peak we want to stand any chance against… You-Know-Who.’
‘Voldemort?’
David then learned what it felt like to receive a mental slap to the face.
‘My point is that we’ll need to not just train, but also have a proper diet. We’ll going to have to find some meat for protein.’
‘You do realise that we’re on a planet where the dominant species are herbivores, right?’
‘Aw crapbaskets...’
‘Hey, leave it to me, I’ll see what I can do about finding some meat.’
After finishing his snack, David spoke up. “Hey girls, there’s some things about this upcoming battle that we need to talk about.”
“Such as?” Twilight asked as her ears folded back.
“Well for one thing, everyone should probably start training really hard. This guy I have to fight will likely be bringing an army with him and I’m not really certain that you would stand much of a much of a chance as your currently are.”
‘If by that you mean that his army will be enjoying a horse steak barbeque on a completely vacant planet less than an hour after arriving, then have I to agree with you there.’
‘Zip it, Bardock.’
“Very well, David. I’ll send a message to Princess Celestia shortly. She’ll make sure that the guards are at their peak for next year’s battle while we’re getting the civilians ready for that day. Is there anything else you think we should do?”
“Well… I’ll need to meet certain… dietary requirements in order to be at my peak.”
“Yeah, and your point is?” The rainbow maned… stallion? mare? pony said as it gave David an odd look.
“My diet is going require me to take in a certain amount of protein, so that means I’ll have to… eat meat.” David then looked at the small group that was seated with him; all of them looked at him in shock except for the yellow and pink one from before.
“So…” David tapped his fingers against the table nervously. “I don’t suppose any of you would know where I could find some.”
“Actua-” The yellow started to speak, but she was quickly cut off as the rainbow maned pony flew across the table and was nearly nose to nose with David.
“Dude, what’s wrong with you? We can’t just go out and kill animals just so you can eat their dead bodies!” The pony of unspecified gender shouted.
“Yeah!” Pinkie hopped next to David’s right shoulder. “How do you think Fluttershy would feel about somepony having to eat parts of animals? She would be traumatized for life!” She said as she pointed at her yellow friend.
“But I…” The one identified as Fluttershy as cut off as Twilight teleported to David’s left.
“Don’t worry David, I’m certain we’ll be able to plenty of foods with sufficient levels of protein to help you sustain and even increase your strength.” Twilight horn started to glow and David felt himself quickly being pulled from his seat and headed for the door. “Let’s head to Sweet Apple Acres, I just know Applejack’s kitchen will be able to help us with your dietary dilemma.”
“Yer darn tootin’ it can.” She said as she got up and straightened her hat.
“Wait, I...” By the time Fluttershy could respond, her friends had already taken out the door, leaving her to follow as they headed to the farm.
. . . .
After fifteen minutes minutes of running that had given David enough time the learn the names, but not genders, of the ponies he was with, they had finally arrived at a rustic looking farm and orchard that the sign out front declared was “Sweet Apple Acres”. As the group was crossing the grounds and headed towards a house on the farmland, a dog that was sitting on the porch had started heading towards them while barking. When dog grew closer, she got a much better look at David. The dog then quickly skidded to a halt before running away, heading out towards the road as she was barking in terror.
“Aw cob, I guess I’ll have to find Winona later.” Applejack soon ushered David and her friends into the family kitchen. “Now you just take a seat, David. I’m pretty sure there’s some leftovers that should be just what yah need.” before she started digging through her fridge. As David took a seat at the table, an elderly green mare strolled into the kitchen. She squinted to get a better look at David before tapping Applejack on her shoulder.
“Applejack, dearie, could yah tell me just who or what’s sitting at out table?” Applejack looked over her shoulder before responding.
“Oh don’t sweat it, Granny. That’s David.” Applejack said before she turned her attention back to the fridge.
“He’s a super warrior that’s gonna help us fight off an alien warlord and we’ve got to find some protein rich foods so he can beat him!” Pinkie called out as she patted David on the back.”
“Uh-huh… Must be Tuesday. Well have fun dearies, I’ll be taking a nap.” Once the elderly mare had left the room, Applejack had pulled a plastic container out of the fridge.
“Alright, I think this aught ta do the trick.” She then opened the container, revealing a fluffy looking yellow substance. David soon realised what it was.
“Scrambled eggs?”
“Eeyup, we had some leftover from breakfast. How’s that?”
“Well it’s certainly a good start, but I’ll need more than just eggs. I’m really concerned about cholesterol. What else do you got?”
“Well if ya’ if want, I can get you mah brother’s nuts.” She said with a shrug.
“WHAT?!” David yelled as Rainbow landed on her back, laughing.
“Applejack, phrasing!” Rarity shouted as she blushed. As realization dawned on the cow pony, she blushed and double facehooved.
“Dangit, I meant his trail mix! It’s got almonds and walnuts!” After a moment of awkward silence, David spoke up again.
“So… anything other than eggs and… pfft… your brother’s nuts…” David could barely suppress a chuckle. “Do you have any other protein rich foods?”
“Well I’m pretty sure we’ve got one last thing.” Applejack opened the fridge once more and took out a small plate with some wavy golden strips on them.
“And what are those exactly?”
“It’s hay bacon. While gryphons may have real bacon, you ain’t gonna cause it would upset Fluttershy, so dig in!” Applejack slid the plate towards David, who picked up one of the strips and brought it up to his face.
“Oh well, what’s the worst that could happen?” David then took a bite of the hay bacon.
. . . .
One emergency flight to the hospital for an epinephrine shot and an allergy test later, David and company were heading towards a restaurant in town.
“So… what’s the name of the place we’re heading to again?”
“It’s a place called Hayburger.” Twilight said as she lead David forward.
“Umm…” David bit his lip.
“Now don’t you worry there, sugarcube. They’ve plenty more than just hay.” Applejack said while gently patting David on the back.
“And after bringing Sweetie Belle several times, I happen to know for a fact that the stuff are very meticulous when it comes to keeping the restaurant clean, so there’s no need to worry about cross-contamination leading to triggering your allergy.” Rarity said as she moved close to Twilight.
“Actually, I was gonna comment on how that’s a really uncreative name.” David said as they reached the doors.
‘Agreed, I’d say it sounds like a worse name than calling it Burger Restaurant 419 or something.’
“Ah don’t sweat that. It’s name may be bad, but the food’s great.” Rainbow Dash said while leading David to a table, letting Twilight take their order. After three short minutes, Twilight came over with several trays of food in her magical aura.
“After carefully analysing the foodstuffs that can be provided by this place…” She spoke up.
‘AKA, she read the damn menu.’
“I’ve believe I’ve found the perfect food for our protein problem.” She then used her magic to remove the wrapper from a small bundle on one of the trays, revealing a burger with a gray patty in the middle. “Tofu!” David then started to gently poke the sandwich.
“Umm… Not to be rude or anything…” David quietly spoke up.
‘Oh just spit it out already you damn wimp, don’t be a Raditz!’
“Fine…” He muttered under his breath before speaking up again, “Are you sure this will… well… taste good?”
“Oh relax Davey-Wavey, lots of ponies eat tofu all the time!” Pinkie said as she bounced in her seat.
“Also, tofu if made from coagulated soy milk, so it’s very rich in protein and we know for a fact you’re not allergic to soy products. I do believe this is the perfect solution for you.” Twilight said with a happy nod.
“That… doesn’t answer my question about the taste at all.” This response caused Rarity and Applejack to rolled their eyes.
“If it makes you feel better, David…” Twilight spoke as she levitated an unwrapped burger up to her face. “We’ll all have some tofu burgers at the same time as you, alright?”
“Alright.” David nodded before he and the other ponies grabbed burgers. “On the count of three. 1…”
“2…” Twilight said as they all brought their food closer.
“3!” Pinkie shouted.
*CHOMP*
. . . .
One emergency teleport to the hospital for a stomach pumping for six later, David and company were shakingly walking back towards the town.
“Uhh… I can’t believe that a major restaurant chain like Hayburger would sell expired tofu to their beloved customers!” Twilight yelled whiling stomping her hooves.
‘I could’
‘Now’s not the time for that, Bardock.’
“At least we’ll be feeling better in time for the class action lawsuit.” Rainbow said while walking along, feeling far too sick to fly.
“Anyone else want to call it quits for the day?” David asked as he weakly followed along.
“NO!” Twilight shouted, her mane becoming slightly frazzled as she swiftly turned to face the group. “We’re not giving up until we’ve found a solution! Everypony, follow me to the market!” She darted forward as the ponies and saiyan all let out tired sighs.
. . . .
After she calmed down the scared Winona and taking her back to the farm, Fluttershy had found her friends had apparently headed back to town. Once she had run back to where several of Ponyville’s restaurants were, she finally ran out of breath. Not seeing her friends anywhere, she then tapped a nearby mare who was sitting oddly in a restaurant’s chair.
“Excuse me…” She said between pants. The green unicorn with a mouth full of food turned back to look at her. “Have you seen… Princess Twilight… and a strange… creature?” The unicorn swallowed before answering.
“Well, if by ‘strange’, you mean ‘sexy’, than yes, I have!” She happily said with a nod.
“Ew… Lyra!” Her cream-coated companion spoke up as she shuddered in disgust.
“But Bon Bon, he had hands! Besides, I’m curious about how he breeds, I want him breed for me!” Lyra said with a wagging tail while grinning ear-to-ear, ignoring the annoyed pegasus who was catching her breath.
“Don’t you mean ‘with you’, you freaky pervert?” Bon Bon responded.
“That too. If you want, you could ask him to let you join in. Lots of guys are into threesomes.” Lyra’s smile grew even wider as Bon Bon’s face quickly became greener than her friend.
“Did you see… where they went?” Fluttershy piped up as Bon Bon ran to the bathroom.
“Last I checked, they teleported to the hospital after having some really bad tofu.”
“Faust damn it!” Fluttershy yelled out before taking to the air.
“If you manage to get him into bed, call me!” Lyra called out while waving to the disappearing pegasus.
. . . .
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU’RE ALL OUT?!” Twilight shouted in the Royal Canterlot Voice at a green stallion running a small food stand.
“I-I-I’m really sorry P-P-Princess, but I sold the last of my soy a few hours ago…” He cringed as he ducked behind his stand, leaving only his brown mane visible. “But I should have a fresh supply sometime next week.” He said as he brought his face up a little, revealing a nervous grin on his white muzzle.
“THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE!” She yelled once more, sending the poor stallion onto his back several feet away. The angered princess then started to take some deep breaths to slightly calm herself. “It looks like we may have exhausted all of our options in Ponyville.”
“So… um… what are we going to do now?” David said as he nervously glanced around the square, seeing that nearly everypony’s eyes were drawn to the frazzled alicorn.
‘Well the good news seems to be that the ponies don’t fear you as much as this one now, so that’s a plus.’
“Oh don’t you worry David, I have a plan.” She said with a sinister chuckle and a twitchy left eye. “I’ll just commandeer a train and take you to Canterlot. And if that fails, then I’ll take you Manehattan, then Hollow Shades, Vanhoover, and every other city and town in Equestria until we can fix this!”
“WAIT!” Everyone within earshot looked up and saw a ragged looking Fluttershy flying next to her friends before making a wobbly landing.
“Ah, Fluttershy. Excellent, I glad that you’re here. With you here, it be much easier to find David a meat substitute once we’ve arrived in Canter-” Twilight was cut off a when a yellow hoof was shoved into her mouth.
“Twilight, stop. We don’t need to find David at meat substitute at all!” Twilight could only give out a confused sounding murmur.
“What do you mean, Flutters?” Applejack inquired as Fluttershy took her hoof out of Twilight’s mouth and wiped it off.
“What I mean is that I have at least ten pounds of fish, pork and chicken my fridge!” She spouted out.
“WHAT?!” Everypony in the gathered crowd asked in unison.
“Fluttershy, why do you have meat at all, let alone that much?” Rainbow cried and before landed next to Twilight. Fluttershy let out a very tired sigh
“Look, I can understand that you wanted protect me from something that you figured would traumatise me, but I’ve been taken care of animals require meat for their diets for years. It’s perfectly natural for some animals to eat other animals for food, and I don’t have a problem with that. I tried to tell you that back in Sugarcube Corner, but you took off before I could.”
“Oh… I’m really sorry about this, Fluttershy. We shouldn’t have rushed off, and we should have listened to what you were trying to say.” Twilight said before Fluttershy pulled her into a hug. “I’m sure we’ve learned something really important.”
“I sure did.” Pinkie said as she popped up between Fluttershy and Twilight. “I learned that if you’re having unprotected sex, you shouldn’t sing ‘Let It Go’, cause then the stallion will think that’s what you want him to do and then you’ll have to go and get an emergency contraceptive!” She grinned happily while many of the nearby ponies were mortified by what she said. Bardock decided that this was a good time to take control of his body for an instant and break the tension.
“Well, with that out of the way, think I can get a chicken and bacon sandwich?” Fluttershy snapped out her stupor and responded.
“Yes. Yes you may.”
My Life as a Teenage Bardock
Chapter 04
After making sure David had his fill, Twilight had gone and talked with Mayor Mare to help introduce him to the whole town. At first the mayor was reluctant but after much convincing Twilight, got her to agree to throw a large welcoming party for the strange creature. After that meeting, Twilight met with her friends in a huddle as David was curiously looking that the ponies.
“Okay, so I need all of you to help make this party a success while I distract David and Bardock.” Twilight was confident this would go smoothly.
“You can count on us Twi.” Applejack retort.
The ponies they left the huddle and Twilight motioned David to the castle. Once Twilight and David get inside the castle, Twilight shows him to his room, to which Bardock took control to ask a question of Twilight.
“Hey if you're a magical princess pony, can I ask you something?”
“What is it?”
“Can...can I ride you?”
“Um...I’m saving myself for marriage.” There was a long awkward pause until Bardock mentioned it would be completely platonic as the thought of mating with a pony made him vomit in his mouth a bit.
Twilight decided to just pretend that conversation never happened and told Bardock that him and David can stay in the castle until later. Bardock went into the room to nap off his meal when another pony came with a delivery for him from the town as the grey pegasus came with a gift basket.
“Special delivery from our mayor. She said the town wanted to give you bread and fruit in the hopes that you won't eat anypony.” Derpy explained.
“I don't want your bread, or your fruit...but leave the basket…” Bardock muttered in his sleep to the grey pony.
“You sure 'bout that?”
“Leave the basket!”
“Okay, you're the boss.” Derpy tossed the basket in the air towards Bardock, it then proceed to land hard on his crotch. Before Bardock could say anything, the grey pony flew down the stairs and outside the castle.
. . . .
Within the Ponyville park, ponies were setting up for the surprise welcome party for the strange creature in their town. Applejack and the Cakes were making apple sweets while Fluttershy was in her ‘special shed’ preparing the meat for David and Bardock to eat for the party. Rainbow Dash was helping Pinkie Pie with the decorations while Big Mac brought a few barrels of Apple Cider. The whole town was busy as bees on fire making the party perfect.
Twilight came back from the castle after making sure David and Bardock won’t spoil the surprise to see in surprise a golden chariot arriving to town with Princess Celestia and Princess Luna.
“Celestia, Luna, we weren't expecting you here.”
“We figured we personally met this David and Bardock, and what better place to meet somepony then at a Ponyville party?” Celestia smiled at Twilight as she and Luna trotted to the dining table.
‘Okay, my friends, my mentors, and the whole town are throwing a welcoming party for a strange humanoid alien with a split personality that Discord say would save our world...what could possibly go wrong?’ Twilight thought to herself with a bit of hope this party doesn't get too crazy.
. . . .
Within another realm…Known as The Shivering Isles.
“Dammit!! That bothersome lowly monkey will pay for this!!” Within the New Sheoth Palace was the once powerful and feared tyrant of the galaxy, Lord Frieza, dancing in a jester's outfit against his will for Sheogorath, the Daedric Prince of Madness.
“You're going to have to move faster than that! Pretend there are maggots crawling under your skin and eating your musical tissue, actually not a bad idea for later.” Sheogorath had a bing grin of his face as he sped Frieza up.
“This is…”
“Yes yes, as you've yelled for the passed few days... or was it months? I always lose track.”
“But why am I here? I was in hell when you took me to this madhouse of an island and tormented me senselessly!”
“Well then let me educate you.” With a snap of his fingers, Frieza stopped dancing and the jester outfit poofed into pink smoke.
“You see, me and another god of chaos had a bet...you beat the father of the guy who killed you...a bloke named Bardock…and I get to go and torment some little horses. I think I'll turn them into cheese and dine on their creamy insides for eternity. Haha!”
“Bardock? I know that pathic monkey, should be easier to kill him than his son. However I do wonder if i get something out of this.”
“Oh yes. If you win, I’ll bring you back to life right when you first meet Goku and I’ll even throw in a power boost for you.”
“Good...hahahah!” Frieza laughed as Sheogorath took a random plate of cheese and turned it into a large spiky metal spider monster. With a snap of Sheogorath’s fingers, the monster disappeared...
“I hope they like my welcoming gift at that party...HAHAHAH!!!”
. . . .
The party was ready as Twilight and friends brought David to the Ponyville park. David was genuinely surprised, all the multi-colored ponies with sweet smiles on their faces, the almost painfully colorful decorations, but more importantly to David and Bardock was the fantastic food on the long tables.
“This is a Ponyville welcoming party for you, David and Bardock.”
“Holy hell! Thanks, this looks awesome!”
‘Calm the hell down and get to the food before these freaks take everything.’
“Bardock says thank you too.”
‘My toned ass I did!! Don’t make me come out there just to hit myself in the dick...wait... that came out wrong.’
Ignoring that conversation, David took a seat and joined in celebration with the ponies. He met the rulers, Celestia and Luna, and had his fill of meat and sugar. Just then, out of the outskirts of town a scream was heard from a pony.
“Monster!!”
David stood up to see a giant metal spiked spider charging right for the party, to which he jumped over the table to meet the spider head on.
‘A Spiker...I knew this was hell!’
“Not now Bardock!” David quickly punched the spider a few times, making dents in his metal body. However the spider quickly swallowed David, much to the horror of the town...until the spider’s back exploded in a burst of blue energy. With the spider monster dead and Bardock now in control, he climbed out of the remains, covered in slime.
“Oh god, it’s everywhere!” With that done, Bardock walked to a table and ate some meat sandwiches as Twilight ran to him.
"Well that honestly went better than I expected. Your appearance only caused two non-fatal heart attacks and the giant spider monster only caused a minor amount of property damage to the park grounds. Keep this up and you'll make friends with the whole town in no time!".
My Life as a Teenage Bardock
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