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Chapter Two: The Moor Knowledge, The Better.
"... The dark one grows angry, Princess. I know you don't want death to occur, but you need it for everyone else's safety."
Death?! This concept I have only heard of in large from a crazy preacher named H8_Seed, who though there was a whole facility made to slaughter to create rainbows. The loon probably just wanted to justify the missing.
"...again, as this is only for regal benefit. Our newest Excretory Officer should know the ropes and an ding only such officers can get this, so there should be no interference. Due to the new agreement, we must give Cerberus three sacrifices instead of one for our immortality and lack of war. Do you have a list of them?"
Cerberus needs the sacrifices? I always thought he was as lovable as a puppy with no harmful intentions. Why must the best friends be the most evil?!
"We took your orders to heart and found the ones giving you the least praise. These three happen to be Digi, Cobaltsky, and..."
The tapping drifted off as I found myself lying on the floor. My vision flashed twice and suddenly three hours had passed. I have no idea how I slept through the tapping; what woke me up, though, was even more surprising, as it was the light flap flap of a Pegasus coming to a halt near my house. I thought nothing of it until I remembered the tapping. I never heard the last name. It could be them coming to kill me for Cerberus. I was now paranoid, twitching like a child with Tourette Syndrome. They were going to kill me. My grandfather knew all along. He gave me not riches or property, but life. I must kill them before they kill me.
I got a knife with my magic and move toward the door. I opened it and slashed for the visitor, missing by just a few centimeters. Rage filled my eyes but then released, as Geo was standing right in front of me, looking more confused than he could ever look while comprehending a book. He stood still, sensing my distress, but he obviously had something on his mind as well.
"Don't worry" he finally said. "I'm just here to ask you stuff for my job."
That I could understand, so I quickly started making some tea as an apology while inviting him in. I set him down as some Mandarin Silk Oolong brewed and treated him with all due respect. I know he enjoyed my company either way, but almost stabbing someone innocent needed a bit more.
Once the tea was done, I brought it to him and we began to converse.
"Now, what did you need to ask me?" I asked.
" I'm sorry to be so Professor Oak right now, but are you a boy or girl?"
"Girl."
"Gender at birth?"
"Male."
"Thank you! I just needed it for some paperwork."
I looked over just to see a bit of the page. There wasn't much I could see, but what I did see was a single word: "excretory."
Oh my Celestia!
Holy Shit!
It's me.
IT'S ME!!!!!!!!!!!!
Author's Note
Note
Long ago, the day he passed, was nothing more than a thing I shrugged off. His stories made no sense and his title seemed fishy. Every time I asked, he would just turn away and mutter words underneath his breath, each time sounding different. I had concluded he said "Extratory Officer," but that made no sense. When he was not talking of fried pudding and of some pigeon looking for a girlfriend. When he wasn't speaking of that, he spoke seemingly complete gibberish.
I had no love for him and he seemed to mentally entranced to care. All he left me in his parting was an old machine for Moors Code and a list of translations from the code to guff characters. He was an ass and I didn't care. This thing would frantically tap annually, but I tried to ignore it. It could only have been another old pony with the same dialect of gibberish.
It was not until the fourth year past his demise when I made a friend named Geo Physian. He was... "Not the sharpest tool in the shed..." but his ability for war kept him above most lackeys in the royal army. His planning was outmatched and his methods unethical, but he got the job done and that's what matters.
I would see him every now and again, as he barely ever got out of meetings and stuff about stuff that was probably way over his head. He couldn't even read what he needed to, making me read books out loud such as "The Ins and Outs of the Royal Code" and "ゆるゆり." I wouldn't have been able to read half of these books if he hadn't had to learn the royal language, which could only be known by those high in the system. I was the few even in Canterlot to know such a way.
One day, being a warm day in the long line before winter, the tapping had begun again. Ponies would think I would be used to it by now, but the clicks echo through the halls as if it was a stampede I hear about in farming reports. One year it is surprising, two it becomes annoying, three it bring about anger, now four. Four fucking years of click click click bouncing through the house like a ball in a child's playroom. Now was enough. I had to rid my self of such an annoyance. My sanity was already bad as it was. It needed to go.
I trotted down the hallway, losing my own steps to its song. It needed to leave and that was what it was going to do. I galloped toward it only to slip on the one paper that littered the hallway, which flew up and opened onto my face. Upon examination, my anger immediately turned to interest. The paper with the code from long ago didn't hold gibberish conducted by my grandfather, but rather the letters of such I have seen. These symbols, only shown in code, were of the royal code that I've had to know. Celestia, why the hell did I not see it?! Using this, I shall finally know why that old hag decided it was important for me.
The tapping brought me back from thought, as there was nothing as awful to the ear. Yet, each tap felt more soothing, as anything that has gained a purpose always seems that way. The clicks had to continue if I was listening or not, so why don't I hop on this wagon.
Chapter Three: The Bargin
IT'S ME!
Why the hell is it me?! I pay my taxes and come to public events. I am even related to the old Excretory Officer for damn sakes. What was I supposed to do, slit the throats of ninety nine sheep and an ox just to show my loyalty?! Damn you, Celestia, and your fucked up morals!!!
But wait. In front of me stands one of her head guards of war. That bitch can never hold power with this kind of friendship on board.
"Geo, listen, can you tell me what that is about?" I asked.
Of course I must act dumb. How else would I preform a task to get such deeply important and well guarded information from-
"It's this paper thing that says you need to go to the doggy named sherbertus. Princess says that you will need to be gone for a while, but will be back soon" he said, looking as if he had not given away such highly important information.
Come on. He should have had at least the slightest bit of knowledge for classification. I didn't even need to play dumb to get this out of him. He didn't even say Cerberus right.
"Sherbertus?"
Shit. That just came out of my mouth. Damn it!
"Yea. I am told he is a doggie underground made of ice cream and candy. He sounds so good. You are lucky to hang out with such a doggie."
Celestia even told him such lies? He isn't dumb, he is downright foal-like.
"Is there any way you could get Celestia to make me not have to go? Please?"
He was quick to respond. "Sorry, but she told me not to fall for your tricks. Your cute face has gotten you out of many things, but she told me 'don't fall for them tricks. She is just parnoid.' I have no idea what parnoid means, but it sounds bad. Celestia even said I would lose everything if I listen."
Great. Now I know Celestia's word is greater than mine. It's flattering that he considers me cute, but there is no way out of this and he can't analyze a sentence well enough to eliminate his need to be here. If I talk about it to anyone, she would probably punish me five times over. I would be seen like that H8_Seed guy, and I don't want that.
"Alright then. When must I leave?"
He thought about it for as bit, then was quick to say it. "They said 'on the marro,' but I don't know what a marro is."
Great. I have but a night to come up with a plan. I have nothing to withstand the strong jaws of a giant dog, so I must work fast. I have to shoo Geo out before I can work with such nothingness.
"Geo, it has been fun, but I need to get ready to play with the 'ice cream dog.' I'll see you later!"
He had no time for a response. I pushed him out the door too fast to attend to audial physics. I now needed to come up with something fast. If I were to run away, I might be hanged. Scourging shops for steel plating may be my best option for survival. Those teeth shouldn't destroy them if he decides to carry me by mouth. I also probably need some lock picks and weaponry in order to escape any dungeons or slay any guards. I also might need some great attire for the whole thing. Maybe a cute yet functional outfi-
NO! Now's not the time for clothing. If I find an outfit while scourging, that would be nice, but the bare necessities are what I need. Now is the time for action. I must do all that I can to survive to see Luna's moon and Celestia's sun aga-
No. Celestia is the villain. I shall never wish to see that bitch again. Now, under the light of Luna, I must go!
Chapter Four: As It Approaches.
Chapter Four: As It Approaches.
The night came and went just so quickly. I was able to get a functional yet fashionable outfit that I could quickly like with obtained steel and zirconium plates to arouse little suspicion while making sure I live through the mouth of the beast. I could also get an obsidian amulet to help move metals and rocks, but nothing more. I couldn't go fast enough to even prepare anything besides canned oysters for food and a magical filter for water.
I would have probably gotten more if it weren't for some strange stallions. Whenever I would start singing in order to keep myself moving despite tiredness, these stallions would begin singing backup. This wasn't finely practiced like Princess Twilight's stuff. These guys sang whatever the hell the wanted to whatever tempo. It put too much attention in my direction. In fact, there was a bitch and her pups howling and barking in their spontaneous manner in the background. Their sounds were closer to my songs than these freaking stallions. It's all done now though, so this is the last peace I can get before they come. Better make the best of it.
It has literally been three minutes and now they are breaking down my door. It seems I may never get a break from this excruciating mental pains. Oh sleep, I need you. I shall hunt you down and catch you like the vermin you ar-
That smell. Hey, is that chlorofo-
"Wake up. You must speak with your princess."
My vision is blurry, my hearing as static. Come on, get it to the cafe. That chemical shouldn't have that much to the spinning hares around me. Wait, is that Celestia? I only see her good. A retardant, perhaps? Praise the helium!
"Now, you know why you are here, but probably not. You have been selected by RANDOM numbers. Did I say random? It's random. Anyways, you have become the sacrifice to Cerberus for our immortality. You shall keep your possessions on your person, but your houses have already been sold away. He shall take you.
You probably see everything around you as anything from a blob of colors to giant animatronics set to kill you, but you hear me loud and clear. That's why I love my scientists. The four of you shall make the ultimate sacrifice for your ruler."
Her words scrambled sounded. When time is it? Why four?
"You may be wondering why there are four of you, and the answer is simple. One for each of Cerberus' heads and a traitor. Geo has confessed government secrets, so he shall-"
Geo suddenly began to blurt "I was being quite nice to my loved ones to block them from your tyranny."
Was it just me, or did Geo just sound smart?
"Whatever. Get them out of my sight."
Wait! What about the purple bunnies and the cafe? Why is geo suddenly marts. I selml chlroorofooomr...
Chapter Six: Into Tartarus
Shit. I passed out again. Will I ever be able to keep my conciousness in my own accord? I don't even have a fucking plan anymore. The doctor will not come and scoop me up likeI hoped. That bitch is such a traitor. My hooves are trembling with disbelief.
Wait. My hooves are trembling and I'm thinking clearly? I must be right side up on some flooring. That is the only way that this is possible. I was upside-down for so long that I cannot realize my equalibrial orientation. I dint feel shackles anymore, so I must be down, but everything is white. I'm in a land of white columns, walls, ceilings, pipes, cells, bars, clocks, chairs, couches...
"It's marble, young one. You aren't dead; in fact, you are far from. These are the holding cells of Tartarus, which we make as luxurious as possible. Everything is made of marble here."
A figure resembling an old pony from Chayna stood befo-
"No internal dialogue while I'm talking! What do you think this is, some crappy fanfiction?! Also, I am Chaynese, so don't even describe my appearance! You can depict my speech how you want, but no physicals! Anyways, it is all marble except the bars. They are calcium cyanide. Very toxic. The contraption keeping it from moisturizing. Moisture brings it to the air, so the contraption is a must. I shall escort you to your cell, sir."
Miss.
"Hey! I call EVERYONE sir, so let me escort you before I call you mother fucking silk farmer!"
Great. He reads my thoughts.
"I read chi, not thoughts. I'm not he either! I'm pseudohermaphrodite and you shall acknowledge me as such!"
He's a son of a bitch! That's what he is.
"It's not he. Anyways, how did you know mother was a bitch? I don't want to go further with this, so go, silk farmer. Silk farmer then went quietly with not a though in mind."
Hey, I'm supposed to do the narration.
"Silk farmer then went QUIETLY with NOT A THOUGHT IN MIND!"
Man, that fucking bitch!
"I'm not fucking bitch. I'm Son of Bitch. They all call me Chay Son."
"Chay Son?"
"I'm Son of Bitch to silk farmer. I can also see that you can talk, so understand my words and get to cell!"
Chapter Five: Against the World
I slowly awoke to see only a thin stripe of light and movement of the land. None of the surroundings made any sense. Last I knew, I was going to be traveling in the jaws of a giant dog, not stuck in a sack. If I could move, I would; but there is some kind of metal holding my hooves in place. To make matters worse, the blood flow to my brain makes me believe that I am upside down. There shouldn't be a bad fall. There is now only one thing I can do.
"I can break these cuffs!"
The reply was instant.
"You can't break those cuffs."
Ok, now I'm out of ideas. Why am I in this sack anyway? There were only supposed to be thr-
"Cerberus has escaped from Tartarus!!"
I know that voice. It is Princess Twilight! But the Cerberus release happened quite a while ago. From what I see from the little strip, Twilight has no wings. I also remember her speaking of something that didn't get done last year that needed to be done. Time Travel. The doctor is on the side. Damn it! EVERYONE MUST BE AGAINST US!!!!!!!
Well, there goes most of my plans. A lot of them relied on The Doctor popping in and saving me because of those damn singers. This plan is going to be impromptu just like their performance. For my sake, I hope it turns out better.
Now things have suddenly gotten dark and I am freaking out. Darkness means lack of light. Lack of light means the entrance to Tartarus. The entrance to Tartarus means near death! FUCK! FUCK! This is also the source of all Equestrian obsidian, iron, steel, aluminum, ammonia, chlorofoooooooooooo-
This is a tiny cell. When he said cell, I thought more of a prison cell than a battery cell.
"Not he! It is also nice to put you next to your guard friend. Others got put far away. I'll let you chat."
"It's not quite chatting. She barely talks. My idiocy makes me not criticize, but it is gone," Geo exclaimed. "I need fucking tea!!!!!!!"
"Geo, we have to leave here quickly! Tea means nothing! Did you hear that fucking bitch?!" I then the cries of complete anguish. It was like nothing I heard before.
"I not fucking bitch. I Son of Bitch! You may plot escape. We don't care. If you continue calling me fucking bitch, you go lower than silk farmer!"
Wait, we?
"Of course. Each have different guide. Your friend has one too. Friend, call guide."
Geo had a stronger response, hitting hard with screams of supposed terror. "No! Don't make Calcirock Monster return!"
A sudden rumbling occurred as the marble was forming around itself. Within the blink of an eye, it became a Regirock-esque marble monster.
"Did Calcirock Monster hear name?"
Geo began screaming loudly as the marble being slowly walked toward him. He began saying various things that I could not understand from his screaming. He was so fucking terrified that he could not pronounce anything.
"Geo not respond. Geo not escape. Calcirock Monster rock Geo world."
The screaming suddenly stopped. A few seconds passed before I faintly heard Geo say "I'm so boned."
"Geo boned? After Calcirock Monster done, bone'll be fossilized!"
Harsh noise continued throughout the night (well, I assume it was night). Occasional screams broke the silence until a while had passed, as lights suddenly came on. I have to admit, it was slightly brighter; but calcium bulbs aren't necessary the brightest. That was horrendous. I need to go.