Chapters "Don't tell mom I'm a pilot, she thinks I play piano in a whorehouse"
- Bumper sticker
"Man, it's hot!" Jeff muttered under his breath. Sitting in the shade of the shade of his A-1 Skyraider, he looked over to his left, were two smaller jets sat.
"Jeff?" Jon, a ginger in the heavier side, spoke up.
"Yeah?"
"Shut up. At least you have shade."
"Stop it you two." I muttered. The last thing I needed was them to drive a rift between them. Being the C.O. of the Galactic Scouts, a small detachment of the famous Thunderbirds who do the intermission shows for the crowds to enjoy, the last thing I needed was an issue between pilots.
Jeff's plane was a Vietnam veteran. Painted in it's two tone brown and green camo, the Skyraider was a straight wing radial engine carrier bomber that specialized in close air support.
"So, you said someone was coming with us?"
Jon flew a BD-5j. A jet version of the BD-5, it was basically an egg with wings and a jet engine. It was painted in blue "Red Bull" colors.
"Yeah, those three idiots are coming in on a Cessna Citation. If they crash, I'm not surprised."
Now to me. I fly a personally built plane; based off the plane I wrote about on Fimfiction, the Spiteful, it was ten feet long and seven feet wide, with swept back wings at a 120 degree angle. It had a bit of Viper Mark 2 in it with the nose intake, along with the three other intakes behind the canopy, and one under where the wings were. In all, there were ten engines in the tiny plane, and it was painted in Korean War Sabre colors.
"Look, that's probably them."
"Then let's get ready."
The three idiots, Eric, Andrew, and David had wanted to join the us to the show in Mississippi. Yes, the three planes had incredible range, because they were the first aircraft with the ability to use water as jet fuel. Using the air around the plane, they draw in the water from intakes over the tanks to replenish supplies. Pretty cool, eh?
Anyway, everyone was soon up in the air heading for the show.
And we were jumped by a frickin' Hellcat.
The Hellcat had six .50 caliber machine guns with ammo for 45 seconds of fire. While not able to maneuver as well as the small jets Jon and I flew, only Jeff's four 20 millimeter cannons could penetrate the armor of the American carrier fighter.
Oh, yeah, weapons. Both the "Bee Dee" and my homemade Spiteful were armed with pitiful .303 cal machine guns with incendiary rounds. Bright white rounds, used to aim it like hosepipe.
The Skyraider had it off like a bandit, with the 20 mils mentioned, but other Gatling cannons mounted on underwing pylons, four 50 pounder bombs, and eight high explosive rockets.
So naturally, it fell under us tiny jets to get on Mr. Hellcat's arse and get him to maneuver away from the Skyraider. Jon and I crossed our paths, while the Hellcat began chasing a desperately jinxing Skyraider. Swinging around, Jon and I got on his tail firing rounds that could do nothing.
The Cessna Citation wisely flew some ways away, and let us warriors duke it out. Huh. The first thing they did smartly. Anyway, fighting over Teterboro Airport, we slowly went higher and higher, into the cloud cover. Just as the Skyraider got on the Hellcat's six, bird poo began to fall around us. Literally the worst kind of storm.
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Princess Celestia sat on her public throne in the Cloudsdale Arena, watching another annual best young flyers competition. The Wonderbolts first squadron and Rainbow Dash sat near, judging. Suddenly, bird turd began to fall from the sky. Out flew a Hellcat, chased by a Skyraider soon after, then the Bee Dee and Spiteful, then the Citation.
Celestia had seen many weird things in her long and full life, but never had she seen something as random as this. As our aircraft weaved and jinxed, all the ponies had their eyes on us. Jeff then fired another burst of 20 mil rounds, hitting the resealable fuel tanks that couldn't really reseal anymore. The right wing snapped off in a burst of flame, and the engine screamed fiercely as the plane nosed to the ground. In the never ending fight between dirt and speeding tubes of metal, dirt has never lost.
And Jeff got his first kill.
"Hey, are those horses sitting on clouds?" He asked Jon.
"Candy colored, winged horses." Jon answered.
"Toto, we aren't in Kansas anymore." I muttered. "Gentlemen, let's get the hell outta here."
Suddenly, golden winged horses (Pegasus, I believe) came up at us. At this point, I was pinching myself to make sure I wasn't dreaming. Why? Because they were using frickin' spears.
Punching balls through the walls, we quickly retreated, but a single rainbow colored offender wouldn't let us go. So, we played chicken, forcing the guards to tire out avoiding us. Until Jeff in his Radar capable Skyraider told us there was an airfield to the north. I can't express the relief I felt at the moment, seeing that we needed somewhere to set our girls down.
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Setting our aircraft down, we taxied to a space and got out calmly. Until we saw the horses staring at us.
"Really? Okay, how the fuck did we get stuck in a land of wing horses?"
Jon and Jeff exchanged glances. Usually, it's hard to piss me off, but when I do, it's already too late.
"Must've been that bird turd. You found that funny, God? Well, ha fucking ha! We don't even know where we will eat or drink, where to live, heck, I don't even think we are in the same fucking universe anymore! You, God, are an ass!"
While I was ranting to my hearts content, a fiery orange horse came over.
"What's the big deal, big guy? You barge in on Equestrian Government property. You could be arrested for that!"
"Well, land of talking horses. Fuck me."
"Answer me, you hairless ape!"
"Shut up, you frickin mutant!"
"Do you know who you are talking to?"
"Yes, a fucking asshole!
"Why don't you go to your house on whore island?"
"If I wanted to hear from a bitch, I would have brought a dog!"
"Have some respect, you bilge rat!"
The insults went in indiscriminately for some time, until in a yellow flash of light, Princess appeared.
"You're the reason that this country needs to put directions on shampoo bottles!"
"I was going to give you a nasty looks, but I see you already have one." I answered cooly. "Oh, and who is this tall fella?"
Spitfire, as I found out was her name, suddenly froze, turned to see the massive alicorn behind her.
"Well, buck me."
The princess was not really expecting Spitfire to be formal, seeing she was in mental shock of the vulgar language omitted from my mouth. Of course, the white pony (another thing I found out) was a slight bit shocked at the forwardness of one of the most respected ponies of Equestria.
"My apologies." Celestia dragged Spitfire some ways away, and began to chew her out. After five minutes, she took her back. "She has something to say."
"I sincerely apologize for my unwelcome behavior and vulgar speech."
"As am I." I mutter. Turning around to face the other scouts, I found them unconscious in their respective aircraft snoozing like a train wreck. "Uh, sorry about this..?"
"It is fine, um, I never got your name?"
"Joseph, of the Galactic Scouts, detachment of the USAF Thunderbirds."
"Princess Celestia, sovereign co-ruler of Equestria, it is my honor to welcome you to Equestria."
"Uh, thanks? Sorry, Warriors don't make good diplomats."
"So the old saying is true."
"Eeyup."
"Uh...Joseph?" Spitfire spoke up. "Seeing how you aren't even from this plane of existence, and you're gonna be stuck here for awhile, so, uh, you wanna be a Wonderbolt?"
"Not really...but seeing I can't do shit here, I am forced to say 'yes.'"
"Good. We could use your skills. You're assigned to reserve 617."
"Ooh, goodie, Dambusters."
The two ponies looked at each other, clearly confused.
*sigh* "Never mind!"
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National Heroes, Overinflated Egos, and a big fat Boom
"Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for."
- Unknown
Of course, any exotic species Twilight never heard of immediately piqued her interest. Dragging every one of her friends, they loaded onto two hot air balloons and set out for the Academy.
It was a good thing we had gotten a heads up; I would have ordered a scramble and shot down the balloons. Standard procedure of a forward operating base on Earth was to keep civvys away, no exceptions. As we found out, this was not the case in Equestria.
"Okay. What the buck is THAT?"
Yeah. Rainbow Dash is pretty annoying, as we had a first hand experience.
"I'm a human, deal with it." My hand reached for my gun.
"Wait, are those what I think they are?"
"Fuck..."
Jeff quickly restrained her, stopping her from destroying the defenseless aircraft.
"Look, I just want to learn about your species." Looks like little miss purple unicorn is trying to defuse the situation.
"I'm not a goddam pet!"
Good job. Here's a Nobel Peace Prize.
"Look, I just want to do this for science-"
"I'm a Warrior, not a good example of my species. Sorry."
"But can you at least describe your species then?"
There is a fine line of curiosity and insane curiosity. She went and did cuckoo curiosity. So, I pointed my pistol at her. The unicorn, thinking it was a club, quickly tried to magically grab it out of my hands. But when she fired up her magic, it dissipated. Getting frustrated, she tried over and over to no avail.
"Looks like your fancy magics don't work on me."
"Shuddap."
"Maybe we have natural defenses against...Magic?" Jeff suggested. He never liked saying that word.
"I'm not complaining if we do."
Rainbow broke free. "Why are you guys always so arrogant?"
"Seriously?" The three of us all deadpanned.
"Ya know what? Someone needs to put you guys in your place. I challenge you to a race!"
I did a Picard style facepalm. "Rainbow, I can assure you, that my Spiteful is more than capable of reaching three times the speed of sound."
"Ha, nothing can go faster than sound than me! Stop lying!"
A couple groans from us six. "Fine. We do this Reno Breitling style."
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Spitfire, hearing that there was a chance that we humans could be beaten, immediately had the academy students organize the sky for a race. Taking a long weaving path, there was no room for error.
With the start of the race with a blank shot from Jon's pistol, Rainbow was immediately 300 meters ahead of the jet, who was having issues taking off. Of course, the jet quickly overtook the Pegasus by the first turn, and was long ahead of an astonished Rainbow, who was having trouble keeping up.
The usual bunch of Cuban Eights, loops, barrel rolls, and sharp turns was quickly eaten up by the little jet, so I decided to let Rainbow catch up to taunt her. In the final straight stretch, we both cut through Mach one easily, but the cyan Pegasus couldn't get any faster than 1.4 times the speed of sound.
As the old saying goes, those who boast will almost always meet their match.
I can formally tell you, this is true.
The Pegasus spent half a day bawling her eyes out, and another half cussing about "frickin' dirty apes" stealing her thunder.
While rainbooms are pretty, it won't do in combat when you have a big ass neon sign saying "I'm over here, Muthafuqua!" So while not as pretty, the normal boom does do you a favor to not get your ass detected.
When Twilight asked about the technology the jets possessed, of course, we all got cold feet.
She apparently wanted to learn about it to replicate them, allowing an edge over the Diamond Dogs. She didn't seem to understand what was so dangerous about the "metal clubs" until I fired a shot, which easily penetrated though both sides of the golden armor the guards wear.
That didn't help. That made her even more curious. I had to make a lot of arguments to convince her that the weapons were too dangerous for a country still in the Bronze Age.
It took considerably less time to calm her down, but it was still annoying.
Spitfire made us get ready for the first welcoming show in Canterlot, which would take place at night. Spotlights would illuminate us, but our shapes would still be mysterious to the populace.
Of course, two days later, we would also have to perform at Cloudsdale, but the routine would be the same to minimize mistakes. For anyone who has played a sport, you know the stress of even the teeniest screwup. Now, multiply the amount of eyeballs by several thousand, and they belong to an alien species.
Poor Jeff lost his shit when he heard what we were going to do.
I trained the Citation crew for formation flying to fly form by using bikes, and every morning, I did a mini sim walking on the runway, going through the routine. Fly form, then dive down through the entire arena. Pull up, full barrel roll, cross paths. Cuban eight pairs, with switching partners. Citation and Skyraider fly away, Spiteful and Bee Dee break the sound barrier. It was short, but I effective.
Opening night was quite amazing. Turns out Canterlot is a city sticking off the side of a mountain. Not structurally sound, but I'm not one to comment on cartoon logic.
There were literally millions of unicorns. Millions.
Word got out that an exotic species were performing like circus animals, and all the nobility came to see us. Never the less, we managed to pull off the show, and we all went to bed cheerful.
In Cloudsdale, we were preceded by Spitfire and the Wonderbolts first squadron. It came to a surprise to us that we were welcomed by the population, but I'm not in a position to complain. We should be happy that they didn't do anything hostile after what we showed them our dangerous ability.
But, we were finally revealed to Equestria, and were met with pretty good results.
"The object of war is not to die for your country, but to make the other bastard die for his."
- General George S. Patton
I don't like waking up. Leaving the warm embrace of a bed, it's probably the worst part of the day. The best? Going back.
So naturally, I was pissed when air raid sirens began blaring. Dragging myself to Spitfire's office, I grilled her on how demonstration teams don't need air raid sirens, and that these trainees couldn't hope to defend successfully against an actual fighting force.
When I asked her why they were on in the first place, she got cold hooves.
Apparently, there's another alicorn that's marrying some Royal guard. Twilight's brother, I found out.
There also happened to be a massive attack on Canterlot at the moment.
Throwing another fit about the unpreparedness of the Equestrian military, I got the whole team together for a wartime scramble. When Spitfire ordered me to stand down, I told her to hell with our orders, there were innocent lives at stake.
And that's how we ended up over Canterlot, half an army Air Force on our asses.
"Break, break!"
Splitting up, we did our best to shoot the suckers on our tails, ripping any of those weird bug things that crossed our path.
Finding a bigger version in my tail that I couldn't shake off, Jon came to the rescue, doing a head on. I dove away, and Jon blew the mutant up.
Then, he blew up.
*sniff*
Didn't even get to say goodbye.
The Citation was the next to go. Engine one flaming, the entire crew was killed when it slammed into the mountainside.
Jeff, he lived. But he was in his final ropes.
His landing gear had been shot out, his engine dead. Not wanting him to go too, I rolled over and put out my gear, stuck it into the empty landing gear bays, and firewalled the throttle, all against his objections. And flew home like that.
Landing soon came, and still against his objections, set my plane upside down on the ground with the Skyraider on top. The tail of the tiny jet was sheared off in a shower of sparks, and the body was slammed to the side, taking off the shot up attack fighter's left wing. I continued to tumble, still not knowing what was happening yet.
The ejection seat misfired just when the broken jet was upside down, and I was slammed into the ground. The last thing I saw was the dirt coming at my face.
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When I finally awoke, I saw Jeff sitting in a chair next to the bed.
"Okay, good news and bad news. The good is that we're national heroes. The bad? There's a slight chance that you have a minor case of major brain damage. You're a fucking idiot, you know that?"
"We're both alive, are we not?"
"If you died, I would have never forgiven myself."
"Well, I'm your older cousin, that's what I do." I turned my attention to the others.
There was a white unicorn with a cutie mark similar to Twilight's, and probably her brother. Another was a pink alicorn with a heart shaped cutie mark. Must be the newlyweds.
"Eh, so, um, thanks...?" The white one spoke.
"You in the guard?"
The poor pony shrunk away a bit. "Um, yes, I was the captain."
"Do you ponies have any higher ranks?"
The pink alicorn spoke softly. "Equestria hasn't had an offensive military in over seven thousand years."
"That explains a lot. Sargent Joseph "Acheron" Xu. I'm Asian, don't judge me."
"Captain/Prince Shining Armor. Equestrian."
We shook hooves/hands.
"If you need anything, you have the Crystal Empire's full backing."
"Thanks."
They left, but held the door for some very familiar faces, save a purple lizard.
"Hey, buddy."
"You talk?"
He nodded proudly. "But you're the reason I'm here. Who are you?"
"Who am I? That's a good question. Well, I'm-"
"Darling, those flight suits are simply a disgrace to fashion!" Rarity, I believe, cut in.
"They're drab olive for a reason." I paused, then a smile slowly crept onto my face. "But, may I interest you guys in Red Bull Air Racing?"
"What's that?"
"Time trials."
Rainbow looked at me devilishly.
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The Musician, the Watchmaker, and the Energy Drink
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait."
-A. Whitney Brown, during First Gulf War
Weaving through the cloud pylons Spitfire had set up for me, I was in the zone. You know when you play sports, and you know that everything is going to go exactly how it's supposed to go? Well, that's what was happening to me. The pegasi had set up clouds to mimic those airgates in the Red Bull air races. I had them set up the track like the Ascot Racetrack, flying in my blue Corvus Racer.
I built it myself, after Jeff had decided to settle down and just become my mechanic. Of course, I'm not complaining. I don't have to service my own plane again.
A pair had come to me and made a proposal; Gryphus had a new contest where a heavier than air machine travel from one side to the other of their empire would get a pile of bits. They offered to fund me, if I split the bits. Fancy Pants and Fleur de Lis, I belive their names were.
I asked them to bring public awareness on the Red Bull races, which I gave a can of to Celestia. I also broke open my Breitling watch to see how it worked, and a fellow called Blueblood offered to start an Equestrian branch. Snobby, but a good business brain.
Therefore, a Breitling, Red Bull, and a camera chopper were built. A certain mare called Octavia was willing to give me money, and that's how I got a treble clef on the hood of the engine. Four white "93"s were placed on the plane, over the left wing and below the right, and on both sides of the squarish tail.
The first race would be in Canterlot, with skygates. Sticks symbolize which side to roll, boxes for level flight, and circles mean an Immelmann turn. Rainbow would fly the Red Bull plane, since she like the windows below the high wings. Another mare in the guard would take the Breitling. Us three make the contingent of team Equestria.
Canterlot was only be an exhibition race. A small thing where the team would show the world how much technology Equestria had. A the beginning, they played Equestria's Anthem, then The Galactic Scouts Theme. The theme was for Jon. The poor bastard had to die on his first sortie. Anyways, the 3000 hp engine in the Corvus ate up tech track easily, even lapping the slower Breitling. The first race he shown each plane's strengths and weaknesses; the Red Bull had an amazing turn time and a combination of roll rate and balance, but it couldn't climb very well. The Breitling was very stable, but it had a better climb rate than turn rate. My Corvus, now dubbed "Orpheus 93," was a typical all rounder; it could turn like a fox, climb like a squirrel, and firewalling the throttle turned it into a straight winged rocket.
Gryphus and several other countries came out with bi-planes to try to counter our 300kmh racers, but they didn't even come close. The funny thing was, Equestria technically was at war with the changelings. I sent some plans of Cobra Rattlers, Night Ravens, and F-14 Tomcats to Twilight, and in several months, they were in the skies of Equestria.
The Cold War with the Changelings was starting to become heated.
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Jeff signed up as a rear gunner for a Rattler, so I joined him as a pilot. I wanted t be in control, so if he died, so would I. I explained the concept of nuclear weapons to Twilight, and she magically replicated little boy in seconds, much to my amazement. The Rattler "mysteriously" became nuclear capable a day later.
The ponies also wanted us to give blood samples. Naturally fearing needles, I refuesed, but Jeff was a-okay with it. Things complicated when things turned to Iorn content...
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"My Celestia, he must've ate a frying pan!"
"Doctor, please, calm down, this is normal for them!"
"Or absorbed a steamship! The statistics are off charts!"
"War is God's way of teaching Americans geography."
-Ambrose Bierce
Chrysalis paced in front of her generals in the changeling hive. "I am not here to fight you. On the contrary, I'm here to help you."
"My queen we cannot expect to win against those juggernauts!"
"Then we shall make our own." She turned to Wasp, a top gun flyer and her favorite squadron commander. "Is there anything you need, I will give it to you. Just say what you want."
A pause. "Give me a squadron of Rattlers."
Chrysalis gave him a hard look, then turned away from him.
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It was a cheerful and cloudless day. Jeff and I had taken a day off from training for the nuclear bomb, and I had loaded standard air to air and air to ground missiles, plus the massive cannon on the front was completed filled with depleted uranium rounds.
Celestia had been generous with the materials, allowing me to break into her most secretive of storage hangars. Creating shielding for the aircraft, they were soon practically invincible.
Radar was probably the most important thing. It helped us monitor what the changelings were doing. On this day, radar detected a massive changeling formation heading in our direction.
We weren't alerted.
In a massive wave of flying pony bugs and green "phasers," the small squadron of Rattlers were mostly destroyed. Jeff and I ran to our Rattler, and I began to taxi to the runway. It was the fastest I had ever gone through the startup checklist.
On the runway, I pressed the VTOL button, and the wings along with the engines flipped up. Pushing the throttle up, the blue jet rose into the sky, Jeff shooting the rear guns the entire time.
Another Rattler came up behind us.
"Achtung, Spitfeur!" Jeff yelled.
At first, I was confused, then I realized Spitfire and Soarin were crewing them. They came on my left wing, wiggled their wings, then dove away, cutting through the changeling swarm. Our small numbers probably saved us; the changelings probably got in each other's way a lot.
Firing missiles left and right, and pulling the trigger for the gun whenever some poor changeling bastard came through my line of fire, we fought back at the invaders. But more and more poured into the battle. Two shielded Rattlers weren't going to make a difference.
Several got on our tails, and stuck in us like superglue.
"Spit, let's play chicken with these assholes. Break left when I tell you!"
We flew at each other, but the row of hangars blocked our view.
"Break, break!"
We barely missed each other, but the bugs weren't so lucky. Several slammed into each other, with a final one still on Spit's tail.
She knife edged between two hangars, barely missing the concrete. Jinxing between watchtowers, like the red bull races, the changeling lost his/her bearings and and smashed into one.
Spitfire, who lost plenty of airspeed, tried to go VTOL, but she didn't have the time. Rattler rocking left and right, she pancaked into the ground in a shower of dirt. The two Pegasi got out, then the plane blew up.
I knew it was over. The overwhelming numbers were just going to smash us.
Or so I thought.
Tomcats screamed in, and they drove back the offenders. A typical "oh, I'm going to die, woe on me-oh wait, Prince Hero is here, we're saved, praise the lord!" sort of thing.
Making short work of the remaining stragglers, they turned back to their home bases, leaving Jeff and I to land back at the decimated airdrome.
Climbing out of the overworked craft, I looked around. Everywhere, gray smoke rose into the sky. Everything was destroyed, save our still pristine Rattler.
Luna teleported in front of us. "Your presence is requested in Canterlot."
Grabbing us, she teleported us to the throne room.
Everyone was there; the Elements, top military commanders, The newly weds, and of course, Celestia.
"Oh, thank goodness you're here. We're were all worked sick."
I nodded. "Okay, so here's the plan. We regroup, rearm, refuel, and assault the hive."
Everyone looked at each other, mostly surprise.
"Now!"
They scrambled into action, handing out orders and etc. "Luna."
"Yes?"
"Make this a volunteer mission. Those who don't want to go, keep them back."
"Then we're coming with you." Celestia said as she walked over. "I can't let the last two of a species on this planet just go face danger alone."
"Ready up, then. Meet you lot in half an hour. Luna, if you please?"
"Of course." She teleported us back to our Rattler.
I looked at Spitfire. "Disband the 617th."
She nodded, and turned, shouting orders to the nearby ponies to set up the nuke.
I turned and shook hands with my younger cousin.
"It was an honor, Jeff."
"As was for you, my friend."
We shook hands, and climbed into our refueld and rearmed jet, ready for the one way trip.
Everyone alive at the academy waved us off. Taking off into the sunset, I guess we did make a good show of jet exhaust. We knew this was probably a suicide mission, but we didn't care. We got a death that went off with a bang.
"Guess this is really goodbye to everyone back on Earth." Jeff sighed.
"At least those news reporters can finally get something right."
We shook hands, exchanged some pictures and things close to our heart in case one of us didn't make it, and climbed into the attack aircraft. Several ponies came over and spray painted "Milestone" on the side of the nose as a pet name for the aircraft.
The Rattler lifted off the ground, and the two Princesses formed up on us. Celestia in glinting golden armor, Luna wearing a simple cloak.
Most of the flight was quiet, dull, and stressful. Jeff took out his iPod and began to play elevator music.
After several hours, we reached the Badlands. The Hive, as it turned out, was underground.
"Um, Princess, we have a small issue."
Celestia took out a small radio set I had given her.
"Yes, go on?"
"The bomb isn't guided."
"Solutions?"
"BANZAI!" I rolled the Rattler over onto it's back, then dove straight down.
The two of us zoomed out of the end into a massive cavern, and I pulled us out, hugging the roof.
"Ready when you are, cuz!"
"All clear!"
Jeff looked into the aiming scope, then released the bomb.
"Get us out, now!"
"I need a cave!"
I yanked the stick up into a different cave, and began to climb out of the doomed city.
The bomb blew, and the explosion began to rush out at us. We just weren't as lucky as the Millennium Falcon and her crew. The shock wave hit us, sending the Rattler tumbling into a salactite
Our right wing gone, we began to roll uncontrollably, and the explosion sent us flying out of the opening. I saw Jeff eject, but when I tried to open my canopy, it wouldn't budge.
I slammed my fist against the glass. "Open, you little piece of scheiße!"
The Rattler reached it's apex, then began to fall back into the ground. "Jo, get out! Get out!"
"I can't!"
"Use your pistol!"
"Oh, right!" I took out the Colt .45 and shot the glass a couple times. Then, I pulled the ejection lever. Two seconds later, the Rattler hit the ground and blew up.
***
The hospital us a pretty common place for a person to wake up in after you've been though a lot of crap, like nuking an underground city.
As I woke up, I noticed I was in a full body cast.
Celestia gave me an amused smile. "I could have teleported the bomb in, you know."
I let my head collapse into the pillow, and shook my head.
"There is no problem that cannot be solved by the use of high explosives."
- Bumper Sticker
Twilight had decided too bring me to the Cloudsdale production factory. Purposely built to build the Rattlers, the several thousand square foot facility was alive with the bustle of putting the pieces of the Rattlers together. I made a tour with her in my khaki Air Force shirt.
"Twilight, I might make a suggestion. Each section should make a certain part, then there is an assembly line where they get all put together. It would make this a lot more efficient."
"Yes, that is an ingenious idea..." The unicorn muttered as she took notes.
"Oh, no. You need to thank Henry Ford for that." I muttered, looking at a near completed jet. "He had the idea for his Model T car."
"Speaking of which, can you tell me about your race?"
"Let's put it this way. They're like ponies. Most are good, but many are evil. These jets were utilized by the evil Cobra terrorist group in the G.I. Joe comics."
"Human values?"
"Harmony, friendship, and love."
"I knew it! I knew it was universal!"
"But those weren't the greatest values. All humans value the truth the most."
"Oh. That's our fourth priority." There was a pause. "What was your inspiration to fly?"
I showed her a video. "I was there when they flew." I muttered when the fourth six minute video finished.
"Do you miss your old world?"
"A lot."
"Then why do you never show it?"
"I'm good at keeping my feelings in."
We continued to walk down the metal balcony.
"And I cry for Jon every night. Every damn night. But I have to suck it through."
"I'll see what I can do."
The next morning, I woke up normally. Until I felt the hoof.
Screaming, I got up to realize that the hoof was mine. Then I noticed the wings.
I blasted into Twiligiht's library. "Dash-wha...?"
"JUST WHY THE FUCK AM I A PONY? "
"Eh....I thought it would help?"
"BITCH, IT TOOK ME HALF THE NIGHT TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO USE THESE DAMN LIMBS! "
"The other half?"
"The damn wings." I looked down at my body. Completely naval blue except my belly, USAF markings were on my wings and flanks.
"You should be happy."
I looked up at her. "Wow, I would have never figured that out."
"Just a try?"
"Shit...fine."
"You'll get used to it. Don't worry, you'll fit in more."
"I sure as hell hope so..."
To Boldly Go Where Nopony Has Gone Before
"Mr. Joseph, I really need your help. A ship, the E.D.F. Skyhawk has disappeared near griffin borders." Celestia called out to me at the Wonderbolts academy.
"So?"
"The flying boat-"
"Oh, like this?" I showed her an image of a Boeing 314 Clipper. "Didn't know you had planes and named them like ships."
"No no no...Like this."
"Not bad, looks like the Enterprise from Final Fantasy IV."
"How did you know the name?"
"Is that a Star Trek reference?"
"Look. Point is, I need you to make some of your grand flying machines to be able to fly off of it."
"That is, if you let me join the mission."
"Deal."
One Minute Later
"J2F-6 Duck and F3F-2 Flying Barrel up for grabs, your royal hynies."
She rolled here eyes. "Which one is the duck?"
"The ugly one."
"Eh...That doesn't really help."
"The one that can land on water without killing someone."
"That doesn't help either."
"ARAGH! THE ONE THAT HAS THE WHEELS THAT SHOW WHEN THEY'RE RETRACTED!"
"Eee...nope."
"...The spotter."
"Now, why didn't you tell me so earlier?"
"How the hell did you find out about spotters anyhow?"
"Just get to the ship. You're flying the Barrel, good luck. I can already see flies flying around it."
Youtube Video
Enterprise was completely fitted out with the launch pods for the little Flying Barrel and catapults for the Ducks. It made her look like she had wings. Twilight had given me the ability to interchange between my pony form and my human form by snapping my fingers. That was and issue, because, well, I'm Asian, and Asians don't know how to snap their fingers.
The ship was sent off with a song and several blessings, and we were off.
There was a time when I went to Maine. There was a whale watching thing at Bar Harbor, and that was terrible because, well, seasickness. Turns out skyship sickness is worse. I mean, I don't always get seasick, but when I do, ya better turn on the bilge.
So, yeah. Heading to the last reported position of the Skyhawk, I met a nice pegasus called Featherweight. He had come from Ponyville, and we met on the forecastle of the ship every day to talk.
"How we doing, Hellcat?" He asked me one time.
"Same as always…"
"That bad, huh?"
"Eeyup."
“Well, you said you wanted to be around when I made a mistake.”
“…I take it back!” I said.
After a pause, he answered with. “You certainly have courage.”
“...Yeah, but what good is that if Celly gets me killed?”
Another pony, a certain Rolling Thunder came over. “You know that he is going to cause us two a lot of trouble.”
“…Oh, I excel at that.”
“Yeah… you’re a real hero.”
“You’ll find I’m full of surprises!” I grinned. "Superman theme....do do do doooo....Superman theme...do do do do dooooo...do-do-do-dooooo do do-do-do-doooo do do do-do do-dooo...."
That got me two raised eyebrows.
"What? Can a person like stuff?"
"That made no sense at all."
"That's describing you!"
"No you!"
"No, you!"
I let the two fight, and chuckled as I left them.
"Thar she blows! Avast ye-" That drew me back to shut the two up.
"We aren't going to talk like pirates."
"But sir! The Skyhawk!"
I turned. "That's the Skyhawk?"
It was nothing but a wreck
"Looks like the work of a swarm of batacudas..."
"Batacudas?"
"Sky fish that guzzle you up like how you would eat hay..."
"I don't eat hay, remember? Humans....Hello?"
"Ah, right."
As my squadron of Flying Barrels flew overhead, a salvage team down below explored the wreck.
"See anything yet?" I asked my wingman.
"Nothing, sir!"
"How about you?" I asked the Element lead.
"Nope!"
"How about the away team?"
"WE AIN'T FOUND SHIT!"
I blinked. "No need for cursing until you get a splinter."
"Very well, sir." *Wince* "HOW ABOUT NOW, FAGGOT!"
"Good mare."
"Griffins behind us, sir."
"Shit."
"Keep calm, guys."
"I WILL NOT KEEP CALM, I WILL RAISE HELL AND BREAK SHIT!"
From inside the wreck, loud smacking noises came out.
"OH, YES! YES! MORE!"
"Sir, permission beat the crap out of this mare?"
"What's she doing?"
"...Beating the crap out of my friend."
"Then why does she sound like-"
"YES! SCREAM FOR ALL THE AUDIENCE TO HEAR!"
"No, she's not having sex."
"Sure as hell sounds like it."
"Sir! The griffins!"
The griffins had been suspended in the air so that all that could happen.
"You know, I wonder what I'm doing here."
"You asked that question a billion times."
"No, million. After all, why billion when we can have million?" Then, the griffins rammed my Barrel. "Yeah. I probably should have listened to you."
I woke up in....a jail cell. Not surprising.
Two griffin guards forced me out and took me through a winding path.
"Ooh. Gold. And gems. Fancy statue-" *crack* "Whoops."
They chained me into a gold chair far away from the table full of pastries and a massive turkey...cannibalism...
Then I noticed a griffin across from me.
"Human." Huh, a mare or whatever a female griffin is called.
"There should be a Lieutenant in there somewhere." I groaned. "These chains are going to kill me."
"RELEASE THE CHAINS!" She shrieked in a high pitched voice. Ouch, my eardrums.
"Thank you..." I kicked one pastry onto a chandelier.
"Now, I want to strike a bargain."
"What's your name?"
"Queen Gilda."
"Ah, the fat bastard who nearly killed Pinkie Pie, eh?" I tried to reach for a strawberry.
"I want to find the fountain of youth."
"Why should I care?"
"I-" She slammed a fist on the table. "-will not-" She did it again. "-have-" *slam* "-fucking-" *slam* "-ponies-" *slam* "-gain-" *slam* "-immortality!"
"That's a slight bit ironic." I paced back and forth. In a flash, I pulled out my Colt .45 and shot one of the supports for the pastry chandelier. It began to rock back and forth. The guards yelped as I went over to a window and threw a chair out. One charged at me, which I lassoed and let him fall out.
"Toodleoo, bitches!" I was yanked up to a ledge, then grabbing the pastry from earlier on the chandelier, swung up to a balcony. Before I left, I added some salt to the wound. "You guys really need to watch Pirates of the Caribbean."
"So, how was your shore excursion?"
"Shuddap."
Flashback: Idiots in the Bloody Talent Show
Youtube Video
"If the big bang really happened why are there no pictures of it or video recording? I do not normally listen to this fabrication called "science" since all I the answers I need can be found in the bible. However, I happen to come across this big bang idea, that started the universe, I'd be lying if I said I did not start laughing out loud. After clamming down, I tried to find some real videos on this event and was not able to find a single one, then i tried to find some pictures, and i had no luck either. However, I found a lot of fake computer generated pictures and videos. Let me tell you that I am astonished no one ever brought this up, and that no one ever though that the videos and pictures these liars presented to you were fake. Has the world lost it's mind?
"How dare you insult the word of god, I will pray that you individuals who have lost touch with our lord find it soon, before you end up in hell.
"The pure level of insanity here is unbelievable, how can you AND HOW DARE compare the word of god to that of a human? If times were right, you individuals would rightfully be punished. And even amongst this chaos and blasphemy, none of you have provided one real video or picture. Your tricks may work on individuals with weaker mind, by trying to divert the answer and avoid the question by talking about time and technology. This is a clear indication that you either do not want to accept that i am right, or are truly taken by for a ride by the devil and have been blinded to the truth.
The school looked dumbfounded at Christian Guacci after he finished his rant.
Joseph, being the person who decided to acutally make a joke out of this, yelled out loud, "The fact that you're breathing is an insult to humanity!"
That was the only push needed for the students to explode out with all sorts of funny answers.
"That's like asking why is there no picture or video recording of god nor Jesus....... BECAUSE THEY ARE FAKE! Idiot retarded kid asking this pointless question...." One tenth grader yelled.
"It probably is because no one was alive at the time of the initial explosion. Seriously, how far up your ass is your head?" A twelfth grader spoke normally, which was a whisper at the volume.
"You are the finest example for why people get murdered!"
"I don't want to live on this planet anymore."
"There would have been no people around to record it...Are you really that dumb?!"
"Not sure if troll or retard..."
"Acheron, focus already!" Jeff screamed as the Spiteful nearly hit his Skyraider for the fifth time of the practice session.
The tiny Spiteful turned away. "Sorry!"
"What's with you today? You should be the best out of all of us!" Jon groaned as he rolled into formation to the silver jet.
"Some idiot at school..."
"Go on?"
"He thought the big bang was fake because of no live media to record it."
"Ah, memory impairment. The free prize at the bottom of a vodka bottle." Jeff quoted Sheldon Cooper.
The three landed somewhat roughly at Teterboro Airport. As Jon tried to climb out of the Bee Dee jet, his foot caught the side and he face-planted into the hard tarmac.
"Ah, gwafity. Tou awt uh hartless butch..."
"'Nother Big Bang Theory quote?" Joseph asked as he went over to help the redhead.
"Sushap."
The three went into the hangar. "Sparky!" A husky bounded out and began to lick Jon.
"Gah!" Arms and legs flailing, Jeff bolted out of the massive doors. Sparky, thinking it was a game, chased him off.
"Jon?"
"Yeah?"
"Remind me next time we have a flashback, lets make it more productive, okay?"
"Sure thing."
Five Years Later/Replaced
After dealing with the griffins, we went across Equus for diplomatic reasons. Passing through the monkeys of Monquista, the Seaponies of the cities Pacifica and Atlantia, the dogs of Marelybone, the bears of Grizzleheim, the pigs and cows of Moo Shu, and finally, the Dragons of the South, I had a pretty good round the world vacation.
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The Enterprise turned in for final approach to Cloudsdale, and I raised the colored flags. Now nineteen years old, I was more cut out on the physical part of life on a skyship.
Enterprise cast out her mooring lines, the gangways were lowered, and the sailors all began to leave to meet their family.
I looked around the ship one last time. "Thank you." Then I changed to my pony form, and flew down to the docks. I had nothing important that I brought; Enterprise could keep all my belongings.
My hooves touched the clouds, and I looked around for some familiar faces. None. Well, I did have a tight schedule. I turned towards the Wonderbolts Academy and began to fly.
Just Ten Seconds After I Disappeared From Visual Range
Princess Twilight, Jeff, and a black alicorn ran into SkyPier 62.
"Do you see him, mom?" Nyx asked.
"No...Maybe he's inside. We just have to wait." Jeff folded his arms. "I still don't trust that cloud walking spell..."
I sighed as I went into my office. The stuff on the Cessna Citation had been offloaded before it was shot down, and were all in a closet. I picked out a movie.
Battle of Britan, ah, a classic. I thought. In the hangar separated by a window, my Corvus Racer sat patiently, dust covering the bird. The wreck of my Spiteful and the Skyraider also were there, waiting for the day I decided to let them fly again.
I was interrupted by a loud, single knock. "Cuz? You in there?"
*Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh* "Yes, I am..." I took a coke and took a sip.
Jeff, Twilight (with freaking wings), and another black alicorn entered.
"Who's the new guy?"
"Gal. Her name's Nyx."
I sat there, watching the entire "repeat, please!" air battle.
"Um...what's your name?" Nyx asked in her squeaky voice. "Is it Cuz?"
"No. Joseph." *glug*
The three looked at me with worry.
As I prepared to go to bed, a bright flash nearly blinded me. I turned to see...me.
"What?"
"I'm you several years from now. I just came to tell you to not be bothered by the new ponies; they will never replace you."
"Yeah. No. I don't-"
"Please...You gotta listen to me."
It was then that I noticed the pot belly of future-me. He was unshaven, and he smelt of elderberries.
I stood there for I-don't-know-how-long. He flashed away, leaving me to my thoughts.
Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter. "The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step, and a lot of bitching."
-Unknown
Joseph looked at the phone. He just couldn't pick it up and call everyone. Jeff and Jon knew already, but those kids from chinese school, Eric, Andrew, David, another Eric, and Alex had all drifted from his life.
He should have been happy; displaying his Spiteful to Lt. Col. Christopher Hammond, he was nothing but jelly.
But when he was finally accepted into the Thunderbirds reserve 303rd squadron, he nearly fainted from relief.
Finally working up the courage to pick up the phone and get it over with, he set up a conference call.
"Hello?"
"Oh, hello, is Eric home?"
"JoJo, right? Yes, I'll get him now."
It went on like that for everyone, until everyone was online.
"Did you get in?"
"Are you promoted?"
"Are you in the Guinness world record book?"
The young teen took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes.
"Affirm, neg, neg. Jeff's younger than me."
"What's your callsign?"
"Well, my co called me a 'speeding death arrow.' So, it's Acheron."
"Come on, we got a party set up for you! Come over Saturday, we got cake and everything."
"I'll try."
Hanging up the phone, the newly minted Thunderbird sighed. Every time, a pie in the face. No point fighting it.
Climbing into his cot, he finally let himself fall into sleep.
