Chapters Episode 1: All I Know is my Guarantee
Episode 1
All I Know Is My Guarantee
TWILIGHT SPARKLE
“Oh, that’s a relief. I’ve heard good things about you. That you work miracles.”
“I don’t like to think of it as miracles. I simply help people get what they want.”
“So, how do you do it? Do you use your unicorn magic, or do you have a lot of money…”
“I don’t do anything. You tell me what you want, and I tell you how to get it. It’s simple.”
“And if I do what you ask, I get what I want.”
“Yes. That’s all there is to it.”
“But that makes no sense! You can’t possibly know how everything will turn out! How can you predict something like that?”
“If you don’t believe me, run an experiment. Try something easy.”
“Um… okay, How about 100 bits? Can you give me 100 bits?”
“Yes, I can. Let me see…”
“What is that? Some kind of book?”
“Yes, now please. … Err…”
“Is there a problem?”
“How much is 100 bits? What can it buy?”
“Well, you could get a really fancy dress from Rarity. Or the Super-Mega-Deluxe Party Kit from Pinkie. I think that’s how much a ticket to see the Wonderbolts costs. Oh, and Fluttershy’s animal medicine costs that much, too. You could buy 20 jars of Zapapple Jam, 25 bushels of apples, or 50 cups of cider with it. Ooh! I could buy 5 hardcover books with it!”
“Aah. It’s a 1-to-1 conversion.”
“Hmm?”
“Nevermind. According to my Book, you must… take a walk around Ponyville.”
“That’s it?”
“Yes. Oh, make sure it lasts at least thirty minutes. Then come back here, and tell me the details.”
“Oookay. And you’re sure it’ll work?”
“I guarantee it.”
“Alright. Well, I’ll see where I can fit that in my schedule. Thank you.”
“My pleasure.”
APPLEJACK
“Hey, mister.”
“Yes?”
“Y’all the one who makes them deals with ponies?”
“Depends. Why do you ask?”
“Mah brother said he talked to you ‘bout makin’ a deal, said it changed his life.”
“Big Macintosh? Yes, I certainly did. How may I help you?”
“Ah need to make a deal with you.”
“Certainly. Please tell me what you need.”
“Well, you see, mister, I run Sweet Apple Acres, biggest orchard this side of Equestria. Mah entire livelihood rests on those apples. Trouble is, they've started gettin' sick. Ah'm pretty sure it ain't no normal sickness; seems t'me like it's magical. We've tried askin' every plant doctor around, even Zecora, but ain't nobody knows what's the matter. You can fix 'em right up, though, right?”
“I can help you, yes. You understand how this works?”
“Yeah, I get it. I ask for my trees to get better, and you give me some 'task' to do.”
“Yes. Is that officially your request?”
“Yessir. I need my trees to get better. What d'y'all want me to do?”
“Hmm... In order for your trees to get better, you need to go to the spa every day for a month.”
“A month!? What if mah trees r'all dead by then?”
“If you do the task, your trees will be completely healthy. Therefore, I can promise you they will not die in that period.”
“All righty then... !!”
“A problem?”
“It's just... Applebuck season starts up later this month. How'm I suppos'd to get that done if I'm bein' all pampered?”
“I'm sure you'll figure it out.”
“Can't Ah just do somethin' else? Or maybe wait 'til after Applebuck Season?”
“I'm afraid the Book is quite clear. If you want your trees to improve, you must spend this month at the spa. If you delay it, or don't do it at all, I can't guarantee it'll work.”
“Well, all right. I guess it's worth a shot. Thanks, pardner.”
“Any time.”
RAINBOW DASH
“Good morning, Rainbow Dash. How goes it with the task?”
“Pretty good, pretty good. In fact, I've finished it already.”
“Well, that's good. How's your training been, then?”
“That's the funny thing. You promised that, if I did your task, I'd definitely make the preliminary and win the Cloudsdale Grand Prix.”
“Yes. That was the deal.”
“But yesterday, I went to one of the preliminaries and only placed 9th.”
“So, you didn't move on to the next round.”
“No, I didn't. What kind of act are you pullin' around here, huh?”
“Tell me about your task. How exactly did it feel?”
“Well, uh, it felt kinda weird, at first, you know? Like, wrong, I guess...”
“You didn't do it, did you?”
“Well... no, I didn't.”
“If you don't do the task, I can't guarantee you'll receive the reward.”
“But that's not fair! I can't possibly do what you asked me to! It's not right!”
“I'm not forcing you to do anything. You don't have to do the deal if you don't want to.”
“Huh? But I thought...”
“I only guarantee results. If you want to try something else, you could. For example, training more, and hoping that you win. Or, if that's not sure enough, you could try sabotaging the other racers, or setting up the racecourse so that you have shortcuts...”
“I couldn't fix the race! That would be cheating!”
“Then do your task.”
“But won't people know something's fishy if I just suddenly win out of nowhere?”
“Possibly. But, throughout my deals, I've noticed that people tend to ignore what they can't explain, and explain away what they can't ignore.”
“What the hay does that mean?”
“Just trust me. Do your task, and you'll get what you want.”
“All right. There's another preliminary next week. If I finish the task by then, I'll be sure to get in.”
“That's the idea.”
“All right. Thanks, dude.”
“Not a problem.”
“Wait! Before I go...”
“Yes?”
“How many houses was it again?”
“Three. You could do more, of course, but three will get you what you want.”
“All right. See ya.”
“Goodbye.”
TWILIGHT SPARKLE
“Good morning, Twilight.”
“Good mor- hey, did I ever actually tell you my name?”
“This town is pretty small; I knew everyone's name by my first month here. Of course, you're a pretty important pony yourself.”
“That's true.”
“So, how was your walk yesterday? You look a bit frazzled.”
“Yes, no thanks to you. I had to move my entire schedule about three times over before I could get that thirty-minute walk in.”
“Well? Please give me the details.”
“...It was a walk. It wasn't that exciting.”
“Humor me.”
“All right, I guess. Let's see, I left at 7:26 from the library. I went around the border of Ponyville counter-clockwise. I hit the northern point at about 7:45, so I hurried a bit to get back home. I managed to get back at about 7:58, so I still had enough time to start my transmutation project at 8:00.”
“...And?”
“And what?”
“Did you talk to anyone? Did you see anything interesting?”
“Well, I did see Rarity by her boutique at 7:33. She said hello, but I didn't really want to stop, so I just said hi and kept going. I think I saw Rainbow Dash too, but she was pushing clouds around and didn't notice me.”
“Interesting.”
“So... I did what you asked. Thirty minute walk and the details. So... where's the money?”
“...”
“Haha! It didn't work after all. I guess you aren't really as powerful as you think you are. I guess I'll be on my– oof!”
“Oh, I'm sorry!”
“No, it's alright. … Huh? What's this in my saddlebag?”
“Looks like an envelope.”
“And inside is a... bank note. For 100 bits. Wait, was this from that guy who bumped into me? Hey, wait up!”
“Yes?”
“This must be yours.”
“No, I don't think so.”
“Are you sure? Because I didn't have it before you bumped into me, and afterwards...”
“Look, I think I would recognize an envelope like that. If you want to give me that money, go ahead, but it's not mine.”
“Uh, no, that's alright. Have a good day!”
“Thanks, you too.”
“How did you do that?”
“I didn't do anything. You took your walk.”
“Yes, but what does that have to do with me bumping into that guy and getting the money?”
“I never said it did. All I can say is, you completed the task I requested of you, and now you have 100 bits.”
“But, if I had come by here and not done the task, would that guy still have bumped into me? Would I still have gotten the money?”
“I don't know. All I know is my guarantee. Do the task, get the reward.”
“...This is so confusing.”
“I get that a lot.”
“I'm not so sure what to think. I could ask for... anything, right?”
“Yes.”
“Power? Riches? Fame?”
“I think you're already pretty famous, but yes, you could ask for any of those things.”
“What about love? Can you do that? Or what about death? Or bringing someone back to life? Not even magic can do that!”
“In general, yes, I can probably help you attain any of those things.”
“And what is the cost?”
“Everything has a price. Some things are more than others, and everyone's price is different. More difficult things or more powerful things are generally more costly. However, don't think of me as a merchant. Think of me more as a... guide. I merely tell you what you can do to get your heart's desire.”
“This is so much to take in... I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm ready to do anything just yet.”
“You don't have to apologize, Twilight. I don't mind whether you come back tomorrow or never at all. I gain nothing from this other than details.”
“I see. Well, goodbye for now.”
“Take care.”
PINKIE PIE
“Hello!”
“Um, may I help you?”
“Are you new here?”
“No, not really. I've been here a while. Couple months.”
“But I've never met you. I don't know who you are, and I know everypony in Ponyville!”
“You must not come by this restaurant very often. I don't see you very much either.”
“That must be it. This is the Cake's competition after all. Grr! Their crêpes are no match for our blueberry strudels!”
“I see.”
“Wait, I didn't catch your name.”
“...”
“...”
“...”
“So, a sneaky one, eh? How about hobbies, friends, personal interests, special someponies, favorite type of muffin, anything?”
“Do you need that for any reason?”
“Well, duh! I want to be your friend, 'cuz I'm everypony's friend here in Ponyville. Even Cranky's my friend, and he's so... cranky!”
“Oh, you know Cranky? I think I worked with him once.”
“Oh, yeah? What were you, secret agents? Is that why you can't tell me your name?”
“No, nothing like that. He was looking for someone, and asked for my help.”
“Oh, Matilda, right?”
“I don't know. Didn't ask. Anyway, it didn't turn out.”
“Aw, that's okay. Eventually, he did find her, with my help.”
“That's good.”
“Wow, sounds like your life is so interesting.”
“It has its ups and downs.”
“Ooh, tell me some of the downs.”
“Well, to tell you the truth... wait, why am I telling you all this?”
“Because we're friends, and friends tell each other everything.”
“I'm sorry, Pinkie, but I'm not your friend.”
“Aww... why not?”
“Just... trust me on this one. I can not, will not be your friend.”
“That's okay!”
“Really?”
“Yeah! You may be Mr. Laconic--”
“You know a word like laconic?”
“But that doesn't mean you won't warm up to me eventually.”
“How do you plan on doing that?”
“By visiting you every single day! Ta-ta! La-la-la-la-la~”
“I swear, this world is getting to me... *sip*”
Episode 2: Not Every House That Falls
Episode 2
Not Every House That Falls
RARITY
“Good morning, my dear!~”
“Good morning, Rarity. I trust you are well.”
“Quite. I am so glad you are still around. You're like a therapist, a djinn, and a best friend all wrapped into one! Please promise you won't ever leave.”
“I don't plan on leaving anytime soon. Do you have a task right now?”
“No, but I have come for another one. I do so enjoy your tasks; they're like little challenges for me. Like the time I had to stick my head in a blow dryer for five minutes until my mane looked like a poofy cloud. It took me the better part of a day to sum up the courage to come talk to you, but it was all worth it.”
“What did you get from that one?”
“A caseful of sun-drop diamonds. The dress I used those on was spec-TAC-ular. I have no idea how you managed to arrange those Diamond Dogs to drop them as they were fleeing from that manticore, but boy am I thankful.”
“I keep telling you, I didn't—”
“Arrange anything, you made it happen yourself, yes, I know. Still, you're the one who told me what to do, so I want to thank you.”
“Very well. You said you had something you needed. What was it?”
“Oh, that, well, it's not too important. I just have an eensy bit of a fashionista's block right now, and I can't seem to break it. I've asked for a lot of things, but I don't think I've ever asked for a fashion idea. What do you think I should do?”
“...Do you want advice from me, or did you want a task?”
“I'm sure your fashion sense is *cough* charming, but I'd rather prefer a task, darling.”
“I've always wondered, what do you call these collar things anyways?”
“They're suits, dear. Same as the full-body ones. I know, it's confusing, but that's fashion. Enough digression, though. Task?”
“Task. Got it. … To become inspired for your next fashion project, you must become 'hilariously' drunk.”
“'Hilariously?'”
“Sometimes, my Book has a sense of humor. 'Hilariously' here being... BAC .05-ish.”
“Err... what about salt licks?”
“Hmm... doesn't say. Can you figure out a conversion?”
“...Yes, I suppose I can. But really? Get drunk?”
“'Hilariously' drunk, yes.”
“I've never gotten drunk in my life! I mean, I've had a champagne here and there, but never that much!”
“Well, you know, you don't—”
“Have to do it, there are always alternatives, I only guarantee it. Yes, I know. But I know what my designing slumps are like. I got so desperate once I made a... oh, it's too horrible to mention... I made a dress with lavender and puce! Oh, it was horrid!”
“I see. So, do you want to go through with your task?”
“I suppose I shall. Well, wish me luck, darling!”
“Good luck.”
SPIKE
“Hello, Spike.”
“You know my name?!”
“Yes, I see you walk by every day when you go to the Carousel Boutique.”
“Oh... you notice that?”
“I notice all the details.”
“Anyway, I wanted to ask, was that Rarity just now?”
“I don't know what you're talking about.”
“But you... aw, never mind. Who are you exactly?”
“I'm just a pony who likes to help people.”
“Ah, so you are the one who makes the deals.”
“Yes, I am. Can I help you?”
“...Actually, you could. Can you keep a secret?”
“Spike. I keep a lot of secrets. You can trust me.”
“Well, see, the thing is... I have a crush on Rarity.”
“Okay.”
“That's it?”
“Sure.”
“Okay. Well, I have a crush on Rarity, but she barely notices I exist. She lets me help at the Boutique now and then, but I don't think she knows how I really feel.”
“So, do you want to know how to tell her how you feel?”
“Well, I was actually kind of hoping...”
“That I could help her fall in love with you?”
“Could you do that? Could you help her fall in love with me?”
“I can tell you how to get it.”
“No thanks, I've tried self-help stuff before. Not a chance, compadre.”
“My task is guaranteed.”
“Is it now...”
“If you meet anyone else who has dealt with me, they will attest to that.”
“Very well. What do I have to do?”
“Let's see... in order to make Rarity fall in love with you... you must build a statuette of her, made entirely out of emeralds.”
“Emeralds! Those are really rare, even in the Gem Valley! Oh, but they taste so delicious, like the best jade and the best peridot combined!
How many do I need?”
“Hmm... doesn't say exactly. My guess... make it big enough so as to make it recognizable.”
“Wait... what does an emerald statuette have to do with Rarity falling in love?”
“Nothing, other than by doing it, you secure her love.”
“Oh, so she'll love the statue so much she'll fall in love with me.”
“Maybe. Or she might never even know it exists. But if you build it...”
“She'll love me. Gotcha.”
“Best of luck.”
“Thanks. You too.”
RAINBOW DASH
“Ms. Dash. Good to see you.”
“H-H-Hey. What's up? Not me, I feel fine! Hahahahahah...”
“Is something wrong?”
“You've got that right! I... I did the task! Well, one of them, anyway.”
“You damaged the structural integrity of a house?”
“Y-y-yeah. And it's just tearing me apart...”
“Tell me about it.”
“You've done this too?”
“No, tell me the details. Tell me how you feel.”
“Well, I went into a house; can't remember whose it was, Cloud Kicker's or Derpy's or somepony's. I found one of the central pillars and... I... cracked it.”
“And that will make it fall?”
“...Yes. So I did that, then booked it as soon as I could.”
“And how do you feel?”
“So guilty... I keep listening to the news, waiting for the announcement that somepony's house has crashed. And I'll know, I'll be the only pony who knows, that I was the one who did it. It'll be all my fault.”
“I see.”
“What do you think?”
“Hmm? I don't know. Not every house that falls is your fault, you know. So, how about the race?”
“It's strange. I've been doing some agility drills every morning (that's what got me last time), and this morning my time jumped down by 3 seconds! I've never seen so much improvement in one day.”
“You're working towards your goal. So long as you keep at it, you'll see improvements.”
“Really? Wow! And all I have to do is two more! Who knows what'll happen? Maybe my wings'll turn stronger, or my top speed will go up!”
“Yes, exactly. Do you have a plan?”
“Hmm... I was thinking maybe I could do Windy's house. Hers's always falling apart! Seeya!”
FLUTTERSHY
“Umm... Excuse me... have you seen a unicorn stallion around here... He has a cutie mark that looks like a book... or maybe it was a weight? Oh, oh goodness, I don't remember... How will I find him now?”
“Miss? Are you looking for me?”
“Eep!”
“I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. I think you're looking for me.”
“Are you the one who makes the deals?”
“That's me. Did you need me?”
“Yes. Rarity has told me quite a bit about you. You're supposed to help anyone who comes to you. You're an angel, she says.”
“I'm not an angel. I just help people... er, ponies, in need.”
“Well, I have something really, really urgent that needs your help.”
“I'd be happy to help.”
“I have a pet bunny. His name is Angel. He's cute and sweet, but a little bit spoiled. Anyways, he ate something bad, and now I think he's dying.”
“Are you absolutely sure?”
“I remember seeing a group of mushrooms growing by the Everfree Forest. They'd be fine for ponies, but I think Angel ate them, and his poor little tummy can't possibly take it. He's only got a month at most, I think.”
“So, you want to heal your rabbit. Is that correct?”
“Yes. Can you help?”
“Yes I can. In order to heal your rabbit, you must... shoot the President.”
“The P-President? Of what?”
“Oh, my mistake. I meant Princess Celestia.”
“Eep!”
“Are you all right?”
“S-S-S-Shoot Princess Celestia? What does that even mean? Why? H-How? When?”
“Do you have guns? Your society seems a little low-tech; maybe a bow and arrow?”
“I've h-heard there are a couple 'guns' in the Canterlot Armory, but Equestria is too peaceful to really need weapons.”
“As to why, you will shoot her so that Angel's failing health will improve. There isn't any other reason.”
“But... that's horrid! Why can't I do something else. Anything else?”
“I'm sorry, but this is your task. As to how, it doesn't say. It doesn't say it has to be fatal, or even that you have to hit her, you just have to shoot at her.”
“O-oh...”
“Finally, when. It does say when the deal runs out. I would assume that is when your rabbit... err, passes away.”
“Eep! Oh, no...”
“But... I can't tell you. It says you're not allowed to know.”
“Oh.”
“Listen. You don't have to do it. Not doing the task doesn't guarantee that Angel won't improve. But the inverse is true: shoot your Princess, and Angel will definitely live.”
“Okay. I... I'll think about it.”
“That's fine. Whatever you choose, please come see me next week.”
“All right. Goodbye.”
“Goodbye.”
TWILIGHT SPARKLE
“Hello, sir.”
“Hello. Come, have a cup of tea with me.”
“Why, thank you.”
“It's rooibos, fresh from South Zebrania.”
“My favorite! How did you know?”
“I know Zecora, and she told me.”
“All right. Anyways, I gave it some thought.”
“And?”
“I have something I really do want your help with.”
“Please, do tell.”
“I've been planning this party for Princess Celestia. An ancient tablet I found in the Archives stated that the day two weeks from now was the day she got her cutie mark.”
“Really.”
“Yes, really. Anyways, I've got this massive party set up, and I've got everything planned, right down to the last detail. I really, really don't want it to mess up. Could you ensure that everything goes to plan?”
“Yes, I can. Let me look it up...”
“What's in that book? I see you writing in it all the time.”
“Please, I'm trying to read. It says here, if you want the party to go perfectly, you must throw away the cake.”
“What? I haven't even ordered a cake yet.”
“Yes, I know. At some point between when you pick it up and the end of the party, you have to get rid of it.”
“That won't fix the party; that'll just make it worse! I was planning to make that the centerpiece of the main table! Everyone will know it's missing! I can't possibly throw it out!”
“Then don't.”
“But if I don't, the party could fail catastrophically. I mean, I don't exactly have the sanest friends...”
“So I've heard.”
“Oh, I remember the last party I hosted for the Princess. Stealing her food, pouring her too much tea, grand theft pet! I couldn't possibly let that happen again!”
“Then get rid of the cake.”
“But it's the centerpiece!”
“Then don't.”
“Stop confusing me!”
“I'm not. It's not as though I get to do anything. This is your decision alone. Throw away the cake or don't; save the party or leave it to chance; I don't really care.”
“So, you can't help me? Not in the slightest?”
“I can only tell you what your task is. Sometimes, I try to help you focus your thoughts, but I won't pick a choice for you.”
“Grhghh, fine.”
“Think about it, come see me in a week. I like to keep up to date on your thoughts.”
“All right.”
PINKIE PIE
“Hello!”
“Hello, Pinkie.”
“It looks like the restaurant is almost closing!”
“Actually, the waiters already asked me to leave.”
“Do you want to drop by Sugarcube Corner? I'll fix you up some cupcakes! We can chat, maybe get to know each other...”
“No thanks.”
“Aww... won't you at least tell me your name? What am I supposed to call you?”
“Listen, Pinkie. I know you're nice, but I simply don't want to be your friend. It's nothing against you. I just don't.”
“How about... a game? Everypony likes games, right?”
“Not now. I need to pack up my things and head home.”
“Home? Where's that?”
“...”
“Oh yeah, no personal info. Got it.”
“I believe you have some babies to take care of. I'm sure the Cakes could use a hoof putting them to bed.”
“Ah, that's right! Pound, Pumpkin, hold on! Auntie Pinkie's coming!”
“Hmm... that worked... a little too well. Ah, well.”
Episode 3: The Fruits of Your Labor
Episode 3
Fruits of Your Labor
APPLEJACK
“Good morning, Applejack.”
“'Morning.”
“How have your spa treatments been?”
“Hatin' every minute of it, thankya kindly.”
“How many have you been to?”
“6, so far. And they're brutal. Brutal, I tells ya!”
“You are going to the spa, yes? Run by Aloe and Lotus?”
“Yessir.”
“And it's... brutal?”
“Awful! Hor'ble! Absolutely demeaning!”
“How about you give me some of the details.”
“Well, alrighty. So Ah went to the spa the very next day after we talked. Picked up a pamphlet. That was the first sahn I was gonna hate every minute.”
“What was that?”
“60 bits! 60 bits, just fer an hour ah cushy treatment! You know what better stuff I could be buying with that money? Ah could be repairin' the barn, or workin' on those sick trees...”
“How are your trees, by the way?”
“They're fine, Ah guess. Not deterioratin', at least. Brandy 'n Barker've gotten better, actually. Is that you, or...?”
“If you work towards your goal, you'll begin to see the fruits of your labor. No pun intended.”
“I see. Well, thank ye kindly, then.”
“I'm not doing anything. You're making this for yourself. Now, about your spa day?”
“Oh, right. Anyhoo, I paid for one'v the cheaper opshuns, and they set me down on some weird bed. All of a sudden, Aloe starts rubbing me all over!”
“I believe that's called a massage.”
“Well, whatever it was, it felt mighty weird. Ah don't like ponies getting in my space.”
“Wasn't it relaxing, though? Relieving the tension in your muscles?”
“Yeah, I s'pose it was. Really helped around my withers. But Ah was right in the middle of that when who came a trottin' in but Rarity?”
“On the very first day?”
“Yeah. I was plum mortified. She nearly exploded out'o her skin. 'My dear Applejack,' she said, 'it is such a pleasure to see you here.'”
“Has she been trying to get you to come?”
“Yeah. But Ah was so embarassed. She asked what I was doin' there 'n everything.”
“And what did you say?”
“Ah panicked! Ah said I was just in the neighborhood and Aloe invited me.”
“Did you see Rarity any of the other days?”
“Nah. Turns out she only comes at that time once a week.”
“What will you tell her next time she sees you there?”
“Ah don't know! Can I tell her about you?”
“I'd prefer that you didn't.”
“Okay. What should I say?”
“I can't tell you that.”
“Thanks a bunch, pardner. Some help y'all are.”
“Find a reason for why you would need to come to a spa every day.”
“Well... Rarity says it helps her relax... I guess Ah could say I'm tryin' to relax a bit, like her. That'll boost her ego, make no mistake.”
“I hope that works.”
“Thanks. Need anything else from me?”
“Not really.”
“All right. See ya next week.”
“Oh, Applejack? Before you go.”
“Yes'r?”
“Try to make the best of it. You've got 24 more days to go.”
“Don't remind me. See ya.”
APPLEBLOOM, SWEETIE BELLE, SCOOTALOO
“Hey, Crusaders! Over here!”
“Coming, Applebloom.”
“So, who's this guy?”
“This here's the guy mah sister's been talkin' to.”
“I thought Rarity mentioned stopping by here now and then as well.”
“And I'd swear I saw Rainbow Dash here a couple of days ago!”
“Can I help you three?”
“Yeah, we just want to know who you are!”
“If that's all right, of course.”
“I suppose. If your sisters are all right with it.”
“O'Course! They wouldn't mahnd, honest.”
“All right, then. I help your sisters, and other ponies as well, with some of their problems.”
“Really? How?”
“Well, they ask for something, and I tell them how to get it.”
“I see.”
“Ooh! Ooh! Can he help with... our you-know-whats?”
“Probably, Sweetie Belle. Do you mean your cutie marks?”
“Hey! How'd you know?”
“You're the Cutie Mark Crusaders; it's pretty much all you talk about. Weren't you Cutie Mark Crusader Crêpe Cookers here the other day?”
“Oh, yeah. That didn't go over well at all.”
“Ah told y'all they didn't need that much yeast!”
“Anyway, can you help us with our cutie marks, mister?”
“Now hold on a second. Twilight said that not even magic can make a cutie mark appear before its time!”
“As it turns out, Applebloom, I can.”
“Really? No way!”
“Absolutely. Would you like to find out how?”
“Course Ah would!”
“Course 'we' would, you mean.”
“Yeah, that's what Ah meant.”
“Very well. Let me look...”
“So, what will I have to do? Tell me first!”
“No, tell me!”
“Hey, Ah found 'im. I get to hear first!”
“No, me!”
“Girls! As it turns out, all three of you have the same task.”
“Really?”
“Yes, Scootaloo. There's a crate being delivered for Celestia's cutie mark anniversary party. If you want to get your cutie mark, you'll have to get it yourself and personally deliver that crate to Princess Celestia at the library.”
“All right! Cutie Mark Crusaders Delivery Ponies!”
“Hold on. By personally, I mean only one of you can do it.”
“What!? But... we're Crusaders... We're best friends!”
“I'm not saying you aren't, Miss Belle. Nevertheless, only one of you can deliver the crate and earn your cutie mark.”
“But that's not fair!”
“I'm sorry, but that's the only option.”
“Aww...”
“Well, I know how I'm going to do it.”
“Now, hang on, Scoots. If we cayn't work t'gether to do it, then we shouldn't do it at 'tall.”
“Why not? I'm dying to find out what my special talent is!”
“Scootaloo's right, Applebloom. I've gotta find out if I'm going to be a fashion designer like my big sister!”
“But... but gahls...”
“I'm gonna get that crate first!”
“Not if I can help it!”
“...”
“I'm sorry, Applebloom. I really am. Remember: there are other ways to get your cutie mark than doing my task.”
“Yeah... but Ah think we've trahd 'em all already.”
“What would your sister say, then?”
“...That Ah gotta be patient, 'n wait for the proper time.”
“That's a good girl. Now, go catch up with your friends.”
“All right. See ya, mister.”
“Goodbye.”
RAINBOW DASH
“Hello, Rainbow Dash. Tea?”
“...”
“Ms. Dash?”
“Oh, sorry. I was just finishing this book. Daring Do and the Curse of the Cockatrice. It's my absolute favorite so far!”
“I see. How has your task been going?”
“I made into the preliminaries!”
“Congratulations.”
“Yeah, it was a real shock. In fact, that morning, I had just set up Thunderlane's house so that it would fall when he unlocked it.”
“Details?”
“Ah, right. It was simple, really. I short-circuited the lightning vein in his central column so that it discharged and dispelled the entire thing
when he unhooked the lock.”
“Ah. Good work.”
“Yeah. Now I'm certain to win the Grand Prix, right?”
“Yes. If you don't mind, would you come after the competition and share the details with me?”
“Sure, whatever.”
“So... are you good then?”
“Hold on. I actually have another request for you.”
“Oh? Another competition, perhaps?”
“No. It's actually about this book.”
“Do tell.”
“Well, have you ever read a Daring Do book?”
“I can't say that I have.”
“Daring Do is this adventurer that travels the world, discovering ancient artifacts and battling her foes wherever she goes! In this one, she returns to the rainforests of the southern continent to face against Ahuizotl. But Ahuizotl curses her with a powerful poison that causes her to slowly petrify. She must try to—”
“Where is this going?”
“Oh, right. See, Daring Do is in love with this stallion named Lifeline, and whenever she thinks of him, she's motivated by...'the fires of true love.' And I realized, if I ever want to be as cool as Daring Do, I'm gonna have to get a love interest too!”
“And so, you want to fall in love?”
“Yeah! You can do that, right?”
“Of course.”
“That's it, then! I want to fall in love!”
“Very well. Let's see what you've got to do... Ah, here we go. You have to build a trap to ensnare an earth pony.”
“What? What is that supposed to mean?”
“I'm not too familiar with something like that. Maybe a rope trap, or a pit? Would those catch an earth pony?”
“Well, yeah, but...I can't hurt an earth pony. That just wouldn't be right!”
“Then you don't complete the task.”
“I! But!... Fine. I'll do it.”
“Remember: details.”
“Got it.”
RARITY
“Good afternoon, Rarity.”
“Hello, mon ami. I have the most fascinating gossip for you.”
“Do tell.”
“I saw Applejack at the spa today.”
“Really? That's interesting.”
“I saw her last week, too. Apparently she's coming to relax before Applebuck Season. She even said that she was following my example.”
“Well, that's nice of her.”
“Applejack is the Element of Honesty. She has a tell the size of her barn. I know that's not why she's coming to the spa.”
“Oh? Why's that?”
“...Wow, you don't have a tell at all! Don't worry; I know you told her to do it. Probably for her trees, right?”
“So, how is your drunken escapade coming along?”
“Just awfully, if you must know. There are so few parties here in Ponyville, and even fewer that have alcohol. After all, Pinkie's the main attraction here.”
“Ah, yes. Pinkie.”
“Has Pinkie asked you for a task? No, that's impossible. She doesn't need anything. Anyway, I've made up my mind.”
“Oh?”
“Yes. As of now, I'll make my own party. That way, I'll be able to carefully control my drinking and with whom I interact.”
“Ah, very good idea. Who will come?”
“Well, I'd invite you, but you never leave that spot, do you?”
“Not really, no.”
“Well, that just leaves the rest of my friends. Oh, I do so hope they can come. Twilight, Fluttershy, even Applejack and Rainbow Dash. Oh, and Pinkie Pie. It wouldn't be a party without her.”
“I bet not.”
“Well, I'm off to plan. Wish me luck!”
FLUTTERSHY
“I won't do it! I simply won't!”
“Hello, Ms. Shy. How are you?”
“Don't try to play nice with me, mister. I'm going to report you to the police, and then you'll be banished, or thrown in prison, or, or,...”
“No, you won't.”
“...”
“...”
“...”
“Ms. Shy, your Stare will not work on me. I'm made of tougher stuff.”
“...You're right, I won't tell the police.”
“Correct. Now, tell me about your task.”
“I won't hurt the Princess for you. I won't!”
“Let's get this straight, Fluttershy. You are not doing this for me. You are doing it for yourself, and for Angel.”
“Oh, you're right. What can I do?”
“You have two choices. You can either get a gun and shoot Princess Celestia, or look for some other method to heal your rabbit. Your choice.”
“...Well, as a matter of fact...I've got a gun.”
“Really? Tell me about it.”
“Well, it's gray, with a big long end and a little hook for the hooves...”
“No, tell me how you got it.”
“Oh! Well, I went to the armory and, uh, asked for it.”
“And they just gave it to you?”
“Well, no. They said that it was worthless without 'ammunition,' so they gave the gun to me, but they wouldn't give me any bullets. So I... stole the bullets.”
“Wow! I'm impressed.”
“Oh, it was so scary. The hallway was so... dark, a-and there were guards everywhere. I had a satchel with me, so I put some of the bullets in. Then, suddenly, a guard saw me! So I flew out of the window! I don't think he knew who I was. Oh, I was so scared...”
“So, you have both the gun and the bullets. What's next?”
“Oh, I'm not going to do it. I couldn't. I think I'm gonna go back and apologize for stealing the bullets. Hopefully the Princess won't punish me too badly.”
“What about Angel?”
“I think he'll understand.”
“Okay. If that's what you want to do, I'll respect that.”
“Goodbye. Don't take this personally, but I don't think I ever want to deal with you again.”
“That's fine. Goodbye, Ms. Shy.”
“Bye.”
PINKIE PIE
“Hello, Pinkie Pie.”
“Hiya! And how are you today, Mr. Mysterious?”
“Please don't call me that.”
“Okay, Mr. Secret Stallion.”
“Don't call me that either.”
“How about Bob?”
“Bob?”
“Sure. As in yes-sirree, Bob! Anyway, Bob, whatcha up to?”
“Just doing my job.”
“You do your job at a restaurant? What kind of job is it?”
“I help people with their problems.”
“Oh, I see. So Rarity, Applejack, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, Twilight, and the Cutie Mark Crusaders all need your help?”
“I try not to share my work with others. It's confidentiality, you know.”
“Oh yeah, like my psychiatrist.”
“You go to a psychiatrist?”
“Yeah. I have issues.”
“What kind of issues?”
“I'll tell you... if you tell me your name.”
“...”
“Didn't think so.”
“While you're here, would you like some tea?”
“Sure! I love caffeine! It makes me feel all jittery!”
“On second thought, how about a nice salad?”
“No thanks, I've gotta get back to the kitchen. Before I go, though, won't you share one thing with me?”
“...”
“Pretty please?”
“...”
“All right. See you tomorrow.”
“Pinkie?”
“Yes, Bob?”
“...I enjoy when you stop by.”
“Really?! Thank you!”
“Now please leave me alone.”
“All right. Bye, Bob!”
“Bye. … I could get used to Bob...”
View Online
Episode 4: The Purpose of a Trap; or, Suffering
Episode 4
The Purpose of a Trap; or, Suffering
TWILIGHT SPARKLE
“Good day, Ms. Sparkle.”
“Let's see, Rarity and Rainbow Dash will never want to sit next to each other, so if I move Rainbow over to the other side of the table, that'll put her with Applejack, but then Fluttershy would be next to Pinkie Pie, and that won't work...”
“How goes the party planning?”
“I think I'm going to go insane! There's just so much to do. How does Pinkie do this so much?”
“I don't think she puts as much planning into it as you do.”
“That's true. I think she just throws it together and it magically works. Guess that's the power of one's special talent, huh?”
“I bet.”
“Now that I think of it, what exactly is your cutie mark? What does it mean?”
“Why don't you take a guess?”
“It looks like... a circle? I don't know.”
“Don't worry, it's not that important. What about the cake?”
“You had to remind me.”
“It's the task I assigned to you. Tell me what you've been thinking.”
“It's still the centerpiece. I've already ordered it from an upscale cake decorator in Canterlot, and—”
“Not from Pinkie?”
“No, this is too important to let her do it. I could just imagine her accidentally baking Gummi into it or something. So anyway, it's going to be this five-tier cake, each one for one thousand years she's had her cutie mark.”
“It's exactly her five-thousandth anniversary?”
“Well... no, not really. It's the five-thousand two hundred twenty-eighth, or something like that. But I couldn't order .228 of a tier. So, the cake has been decorated with all of these details and stories about her life and rule.”
“Wow. Very complex.”
“Thanks. It's gotta be perfect for the Princess.”
“Are you going to make it to Rarity's soirée tonight?”
“I'll try to. I'm still pretty busy, but if I can find some time, I'll go.”
“I think you should try to go.”
“If you say so. Well, I'm gonna head off. Have a good day.”
“You too.”
RAINBOW DASH
“Good evening, Ms. Dash.”
“Hey. I did what you asked.”
“The trap?”
“Yeah, it's nothing too complicated. Just a quick loop-around. Anypony puts their hoof in it, it'll pick them up and hold them in the air.”
“How does doing that make you feel?”
“I'm trying not to think about it.”
“Please, give me the details. I want to know.”
“Well, not too good, really. Kinda guilty. Was it the right thing to do?”
“I don't know. It's not my place to say.”
“So, when do I fall in love? I told you about the trap, so will he come and sweep me off my hooves now or what?”
“The Book says you won't actually fall in love until somepony sets off the trap. Otherwise you could just build it somewhere nopony would step in it.”
“And that would be bad, how?”
“What is the purpose of a trap if no one will be trapped by it?”
“Good point. Well, I gotta jet. Rarity's having her soarie or whatever it's called.”
“Soirée.”
“That's what I said, swear-hay. Hey, you wanna come too?”
“No. You go have a good time.”
“Thanks. You enjoy yourself too... whatever it is you do.”
“I will. Take care.”
PINKIE PIE
“Hey, Bob!”
“I was beginning to think you weren't gonna make it today.”
“Oh, I'd never miss a chance to see you, mysterious friend!”
“Pinkie, I'm not your friend.”
“No, I'm not your friend. There's a difference.”
“I see.”
“Aren't you cold? It's pretty chilly tonight.”
“Nah, I don't mind. Say, don't you have a party to go to?”
“Yeah, Rarity's 'soirée'. I really want to go, since there'll be cake and ice cream and punch and party games and 'pleasant conversation,' as the invitation said.”
“What's stopping you?”
“You are, silly! Why do you think I'm here?”
“You'd miss a party for me?”
“Sure! You're my friend, even if you don't feel the same.”
“Is this just an attempt to get more information out of me?”
“No, I promise.”
“Why? You don't even know me.”
“I know. But I can tell that you're suffering.”
“Suffering? What are you—”
“That's why I wanted to be here for you. How long can I stay?”
“I usually don't get any more visitors this late, so I stay until the restaurant closes. Although, tonight they're open all night. So, I suppose you can stay until then.”
“Hooray! C'mere, you big lug!”
“Oof!”
“Wow, you aren't a very huggy person.”
“Not really, no.”
“Well, that's okay. You sit there, I'll lay here next to you, and we can talk. So, tell me; what did you think of Ponyville when you first came here?”
*4 hours later*
“So, you're saying you drove away an entire swarm of omnivorous bugs using only a motley collection of instruments?”
“Yup! That was pretty amazing. Ooh, ask the waiter guy to refill my drink. I'm gonna take a quick nap, then I'll tell you about how I fought a dragon with cakes!”
“I'd love to hear that.”
“Excuse me, sir, can I get you something?”
“Yes, my friend here wants a refill. What did you get, Pinkie?”
“Zzzzzzz...”
“Hmm... she's asleep. Actually, could you please get her a taxi home?”
“Very well, monsieur.”
“Thank you. I hope she enjoyed herself. I... guess I did.”
APPLEJACK
“Good morning, Applejack.”
“Boy, howdy. How'r you this fine day?”
“Very good, thank you. You're not missing a spa treatment, are you?”
“Naw, I'm goin' later.”
“How have those been working out? You seem more upbeat.”
“Yeah, it's done wond'rs for me. Although, I always get like this 'round Applebuckin' time.”
“Oh, okay. How about Rarity? Have you two been getting along?”
“Actually, we're pretty good. Usually, we don't see eye t'eye, but with this spa thang, Ah reckon we're getting' along like two catfish in a pond!”
“Didn't she invite you to a party last night?”
“Yeah, her 'swoar-e,' if'n that's what it's called. It was a lot o' fun. Pinkie didn't make it, though. Odd.”
“Yeah, odd.”
“Course, I was a little late. Got caught in a hoof snare some idjet left in the road. Took me a good 15 minutes ta loosen myself, and I know my way 'round a rope.”
“So, the party. What was it like?”
“Oh, it was real odd. Everyone was at their best behavior. Fluttershah was bein' social, Twah didn't even bring a book. Even Rarity and Rainbow Dash were gettin' along!”
“Is that odd?”
“O' course! Those two can't get through a sentence without insultin' each other's profession. Yet those two were the coziest of us five! Must'a been all those sham-peens she wuz drinkin'.”
“So, how about the farm? Are the trees doing all right?”
“As'a matter'a fact, they are! Been so relaxed, I think Ah noticed something. I think that when I walk on the dirt, they get a mite worse.”
“So by going to the spa, you're staying off the soil.”
“Yeah! How'd you know that was what they needed?”
“I didn't. I just gave you the task.”
“Oh, okay. Well, either way, thanks a bunch!”
“How many days do you have left?”
“Probably 'bout 15 or so, by my reckoning. 'Think I might keep goin' to the spa, though. Ah bought a two-month pass, so I'm gonna take full 'dvantage of it!”
“Well, alright then. See you around.”
“G'bye.”
RARITY
“I. Hate. Hangovers.”
“Hello, Rarity. How was the party?”
“Oh, it was splendid! Ow.”
“Here, have some tea.”
“Why, thank you. So much better than that blasted alcohol, anyway. I wish I'd never tasted it!”
“What about your new designs?”
“Oh, yes. I'd quite forgotten. At least one good thing came out of it. Or, two, really.”
“Can you share—”
“Details, yes, I know. Please don't talk so loud; it gives me a headache.”
“I wasn't—”
“So, everyone came to my soirée right on time except Pinkie Pie and Applejack, who was late.”
“What about Pinkie Pie?”
“Oh, I know you and she were here, having a good time. Didn't want to 'butt in,' as they say.”
“That's fine.”
“So as I was saying, we were getting the party started. I led with a nice angel cake I'd baked just for the occasion. Twilight and Fluttershy were talking about the Princess' celebration next week, so I took it upon myself to entertain Rainbow Dash. We were sipping champagne, having a good time, when suddenly I had a revelation.”
“What's that?”
“I had been treating my customers like mannequins rather than actual ponies. I was looking at Rainbow Dash, at her gorgeous mane, her fine blue coat, I realized she was practically wearing a dress herself!”
“Hmm. Go on.”
“So, just as I was thinking of that, a thought occurred to me. 'A rainbow of people.' And that was that! My inspiration was... Rainbow Dash! I've got so many ideas. A style that reflects the pony within and without! The beauty of the rainbow reflected from the heart!”
“So that's it, then?”
“Not quite. I did say two good things, did I not? As the soirée was winding down, I was trying to find a way to ask Rainbow Dash to meet with me and brainstorm ideas. When, lo and behold, she asked me! It's as if she read my mind!”
“Ah... oh...”
“Something wrong?”
“Hmm? No, I was just thinking about something else.”
“All right then. I think Rainbow Dash and I will make a great team. A partnership, if you will. What do you think?”
“I agree. Best of luck to you two.”
“Why, thank you, darling. I always offer to send you a portion of the profits. Will you refuse again?”
“Like I always do. I won't take your money. I didn't do anything.”
“Well, then, you have my gratitude, like always.”
“Not at all. Stop by again if you need anything.”
“Very well. You have a good day.”
“You too.”
FLUTTERSHY
“Ah. Hello.”
“H-hello again.”
“Can I help you with something?”
“...Yes. Do you know anything about sniper rifles?”
“Not a lot, actually. Why do you ask?”
“Are these all the parts for one?”
“Looks like it. You'll have to put it together, though.”
“I know that. Wait! Why am I showing you this in public?!”
“Don't worry. Nopony will notice. I've talked about murder and treason in restaurants like this and the waiters don't bat an eye.”
“Oh, good. I'd hate to get caught so easily. Then where would my little Angel be?”
“So, you are going through with it?”
“Oh, yes. Angel's condition worsened the other day. I got this last night before the soirée.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. I was so relieved I made it back that I just completely opened up.”
“Tell me why you went to the armory again. I thought you had a gun.”
“Yes, but it was just a pistol. I realized that if I didn't want to be seen, I'd need something with more range.”
“Whoa, whoa, hold on. I thought, last time we met, that you barely knew what a gun was.”
“That's true. Turns out there's a book in the Archives with all the specs of all the guns in the Armory. I took that, too. Oh, and I needed sniper rounds instead.”
“Wow. You've gotten so much more confident.”
“I have to be. This isn't for the faint of heart, now is it?”
“No, it isn't. But if you're strong, you'll see this to the end.”
“I have to. I don't think I have a choice anymore.”
“You always have a choice.”
“...Goodbye.”
“Goodbye.”
RAINBOW DASH
“What the hay kind of trick are you pulling on me?”
“I'm sorry?”
“This whole operation is a sham!”
“Excuse me?”
“I mean, of all the choices you had. Soarin' would have been awesome. Big Macintosh would have been fine. You could have chosen Applejack's cousin, or even the Flim-Flam guys. Or was it Flam-Flim?”
“What's the trouble, Rainbow Dash? I can barely understand you.”
“Something's gone wrong! You... you set me up! Or... maybe the trap hasn't been sprung.”
“You know it has.”
“Yeah, I know. Applejack got caught in it. But I didn't meet the stallion of my dreams!”
“You didn't ask for a stallion. You asked to fall in love. Big difference.”
“What? You mean... this is real... No. No... no, no, no... no, it can't be.”
“Just tell me what's going on.”
“Rarity! That's right, you made me fall in love with Rarity. I hope you're happy.”
“Listen here, Rainbow Dash. I didn't do anything. You set the trap. You were the one who interceded for love and refused to let nature take its course. You did this, not me.”
“!...”
“So. Details.”
“...I was at the party, chatting with Rarity. All of a sudden, everything just seemed... different. Her mane, her coat, her beautiful blue eyes. I started feeling all weird.”
“You fell in love?”
“I've never been in love before, but I just... knew. I didn't want to believe it, since I usually like colts—”
“I thought you just said you'd never been in love before.”
“Well, I'd always just assumed, okay?! It's not like I'd ever thought I'd be a freak... So, right at the end of the party, I invited her to go on a date with me, and she accepted.”
“That's good, isn't it?”
“I think she just wanted me for some stupid dresses she's working on.”
“Oh. Well, listen. Love takes time. You can't expect her to—”
“Wait. That's it! Love doesn't take time! You made it instantaneously. Or... I made it instantaneously, sorry. But that means, I can undo it too! Hey, can I get another task from you?”
“...Where is this going?”
“I want something, and you can help me get it.”
“Yes, I can. What do you want?”
“I want to be straight!”
“Oh.”
“Can you do it?”
“Yes. But before I tell you how to get it...”
“Yes?”
“You're not a freak, Rainbow Dash. The heart feels what the heart feels. You understand that, right?”
“Why do you ask?”
“I just want to make sure. So, you're still going through with it?”
“Hay yeah!”
“Alright, here's what you must do... ah, it's simple. While Twilight Sparkle is using her magic, you must dispel it.”
“Dispel? As in... stop it?”
“Yes.”
“All right. I'll do it. No matter the cost.”
“I thought so.”
SPIKE
“Hello, Spike. Have you gotten taller?”
“Yeah, it's 'cuz of all those emeralds. My body thinks I'm building a hoard.”
“And that makes you grow?”
“Yeah, dragon physiology. It's weird like that.”
“So, how has the statue been coming?”
“Don't see much of a point, now.”
“How so?”
“She's in love with Rainbow Dash now.”
“Oh. That's too bad.”
“It's not fair! I've been working so hard, too! I mean, look at how much those emeralds have affected me.”
“That's true.”
“And she goes to a party with Rainbow Dash and all of a sudden she's going on dates with her and everything. I've had a crush on her since I came here! It's just not fair!”
“Maybe they've had a crush on each other longer, and you just didn't know.”
“Yeah, well, I think it's about time I changed it.”
“You know, if you complete your statuette, Rarity will fall in love with you.”
“That's not enough anymore. Now that I know about her thing with Rainbow Dash, she might still feel that while she was with me. I won't let her!”
“Are you all right, Spike?”
“Of course! But I've decided I want to do another task with you.”
“You're only allowed to do one at a time. Will you give up your other one for what you're about to ask?”
“I will. This is too important.”
“What do you want, then?”
“I want Rainbow Dash to disappear!”
“I can do that.”
Episode 5: Something to Remember
Episode 5
Something to Remember
FLUTTERSHY
“Today's the big day, isn't it? Twilight's party, I mean?”
“That's right. Princess Celestia is here. This may be my best chance to complete my task.”
“Tell me what you have planned.”
“As it turns out, the party is being held close to the Ponyville clock tower. I'll go up there before the party and set up. Then, I'll wait until the Princess steps off to the side for one reason or another, and that's when I'll shoot.”
“Do you have any plans on where to aim?”
“I'm thinking center of her body. That way, if my aim falters, I'll still connect, at least partially.”
“How is your aim, by the way?”
“I've actually gotten quite a bit of practice. I went into the forest and fired a few rounds during a thunderstorm. Nopony knew the difference.”
“Sounds like you're prepared.”
“Absolutely! This means so, so much to me.”
“Tell me how you're feeling.”
“I thought I was going to be nervous. But really, I'm just calm.”
“Calm?”
“Oh, yes. I hardly feel worried at all. Everything will go according to plan.”
“What you're doing isn't bothering you at all?”
“It should, but I won't let it. I read that a good sniper needs to control their heartbeat, so I can't let it get out of my hooves.”
“...Right. Make that shot count.”
“It will. It counts for my dear rabbit's life.”
“That it does, Fluttershy. That it does.”
TWILIGHT SPARKLE
“Twilight Sparkle? What are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be setting up a party?”
“Well... yes, but I'm just worrying about this whole cake business.”
“What are you thinking?”
“Mainly I'm just trying to figure out how everypony could mess it up. Rainbow Dash might run into something expensive, so I'm trying to keep her away from more delicate things. Rarity will wear her fancy dress, so she's gotta stay away from things that might stain. Applejack will probably be all right, but Pinkie Pie will be a terror, no doubt.”
“What about Fluttershy?”
“I'm not really worried about her either. Without any animals to run through the party, she'll probably just stay to herself, especially now that Rarity and Rainbow Dash are... together.”
“Together?”
“Yeah...They've been a couple since the soirée, I think. That really threw off my seating chart!”
“Well, I don't want to keep you away from your party too long.”
“You're right. I'd better get going. The party won't plan itself!”
“Oh, and Twilight?”
“Yeah?”
“Make this party something to remember, okay?”
“I will. Thanks.”
PRINCESS CELESTIA
“Good morning, sir.”
“Good morning, Princess. Are you well?”
“Very much so, yes. It has been far too long.”
“Yes, it has.”
“I noticed you still don't bow like most ponies.”
“No, I don't. I do not serve you.”
“Yes, I know. You used to say that you served someone higher. I always wondered if that meant God, some other ruler, or only yourself.”
“Perhaps all three.”
“Indeed.”
“So, why are you here?”
“My Faithful Student, Twilight, has planned a party for me! Isn't that wonderful? I got here a few days ago and have been staying with her until the party today.”
“What I mean is, why are you here before me?”
“Oh, of course. Something very strange happened to me the other day. A trio of young fillies came to me fighting over a box. Twilight was able to break them up and send them on their way.”
“And?”
“I asked why they were fighting. 'Those girls were the Cutie Mark Crusaders, the ones I've told you about,' Twilight said. Apparently they are always like that.”
“Yes, they are.”
“But something they were talking about intrigued me. The three of them were muttering something about 'that man's advice.' I figured you had something to do with it.”
“Possibly.”
“...I can also read the Threads of Time. I know you advised them to bring the box to me. What I want to know is why.”
“I'm sorry, but that's a trade secret.”
“Could I ask for a task to find out?”
“Normally, no, but for a being as powerful as you, I think so. Will you?”
“...Yes, I will. What must I do to learn why you assigned the Cutie Mark Crusaders to deliver a box to me?”
“Okay... If you wish to learn that, you must tell Twilight one of your flaws.”
“!”
“Something wrong?”
“Tell Twilight... but why?”
“I usually don't ask why. It just is.”
“But Twilight knows my flaws, doesn't she?”
“Does she? How would she? Have you ever told her your flaws before?”
“No, but—”
“Then why wouldn't she assume you are perfect?”
“But it's not as though I'm God or anything!”
“I hear the phrases 'Thank Celestia' and 'As Celestia as my witness' are rather popular these days.”
“!... I didn't know...”
“Tell your 'faithful student' how you are imperfect. Come back and tell me how she reacts. Then I will tell you why the Cutie Mark Crusaders tried to bring you a crate.”
“Very well. I'll tell her at the party. It'll probably be starting at any moment. I must be going.”
“Goodbye, Princess.”
RARITY
“Good day, Rarity.”
“Ah! Oh, hello. There you are. Sometimes it seems you appear out of nowhere!”
“You don't have a task with me right now, right?”
“No, I just finished the last one. But I wanted to ask you something. How many other of my friends have you been aiding and abetting?”
“I don't know what you mean.”
“Don't lie to me. I can tell what's going on here. Everything is falling to chaos, Chaos! And what's worse, it's chaos that doesn't make sense!”
“I'm pretty sure chaos isn't supposed to make sense.”
“You know what I mean. Twilight keeps staring at her cake—fabulous cake, by the way—as though it were going to explode. My little Spikey-wikey keeps trying to give this bag of emeralds to me, although, since I can tell they're important to him, I never accept. And he keeps glaring at Rainbow Dash every time she's with me.”
“What's going on with you and Rainbow Dash?”
“...I really don't know myself. She's probably the weirdest of them all. When she's not looking at Twilight's horn worriedly, she's always by my side. She seems to want to spend every moment with me, as though she were enamored with me. If I could... wait... no...did you?!”
“I am not at liberty to say.”
“Rainbow Dash... in love... with me? I hadn't even thought of that.”
“What about you?”
“You mean, what do I feel for her? I honestly don't know. I fell in love with Blueblood, so one would think I would not be so inclined. And yet, there is something there. Poor Rainbow Dash! I bet she took it worse than me.”
“No doubt.”
“Be that as it may, what right do you have to wreck our lives in this way?”
“Why are you ponies so insistent on blaming me? From a third-person perspective, it's apparent that I didn't do anything.”
“Of course. You always say that.”
“And it's always true.”
“...I suppose I should be glad that this is, more or less, the extent of the damage.”
“Sure.”
“I must be off. If I get the chance, I'll talk to Rainbow Dash.”
“All right. Enjoy the party.”
RAINBOW DASH
“Hello, Rainbow. How's the party?”
“Great, I suppose. I've decided something, though.”
“Is this about your task?”
“I can't do it. This one is too dangerous.”
“What about the snare and the house toppling?”
“That was different! Cloud houses can be remade no problem, and Applejack got out of that trap no sweat!”
“And what if it wasn't her? Or what if someone had been inside their house when it fell?”
“Well... I suppose...”
“So why is this different?”
“Because I could see it. I would see the effect of my... my wrongdoing.”
“I see.”
“So, I guess I won't do it.”
“If you absolutely refuse, then there's nothing I can do.”
“I've also figured out something.”
“Oh? What's that?”
“I've finally figured out why you're making me do this. Why I have to hurt ponies.”
“Why's that?”
*BOOM!*
“What the hay was that!?”
“It sounded like it came from the party!”
“We've gotta go! I'll sprint down there, you follow me.”
“No can... do. Great, she's already gone.”
TWILIGHT SPARKLE
“...Twilight? Are you all right?”
“I'm just thinking, that's all.”
“What's going on with the party? I heard some kind of noise; is everything okay?”
“No, the party was pretty much ruined right there.”
“You sound oddly calm for someone whose party has just fallen apart.”
“I don't think I've totally absorbed what's happened yet. They say there are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I haven't exactly gotten angry yet.”
“So, what exactly happened?”
“Princess Celestia was talking to me about... something, and all of a sudden, there was this crack, like a firework, and... and, oh, it was horrible!”
“There, there, Twilight. It's okay.”
“No, it's not okay! *sob* Princess Celestia is hurt, and I just don't know what to do! I've been trying to figure out why someone would do this, but it just doesn't make any sense!”
“It's all right. Not everything has to make sense.”
“You're right, I suppose.”
“So, why did you come by here?”
“I... don't know, actually. I guess I was just drawn here. I guess, since I never got rid of the cake, my party was doomed, huh?”
“I never said that.”
“No, I should have known. It was a small price to pay. That's what I've been thinking about: why the cake? What purpose did throwing it away achieve?”
“Who says it has to do anything?”
“I do! Basic causality states that one action causes another.”
“Correct. Throwing away the cake would stabilize your party.”
“But how? Through what means?”
“Perhaps it would unnerve the sniper. Or it would keep Princess Celestia from putting herself in a convenient place.”
“Moving the cake would do that?”
“Twilight Sparkle. Do you claim to understand the movement of every single particle of dust in the entire universe?”
“Well, no, but—”
“Do you think you can predict the microscopic flow of wind?”
“Not at all—”
“Can you understand the slightest twitch, the smallest thought in the minds of every pony in the world?”
“No, of course not!”
“I can.”
“...”
“And you never will. Do not presume to know the impossible.”
“...I understand.”
PRINCESS CELESTIA
“Princess! Are you all right?”
“It's fine... just a scratch...”
“You don't sound fine.”
“It's nothing. I am... recovering...”
“That's good, then. Did you speak with your student?”
“Yes, I did... In fact, that was... right before the... incident.”
“What exactly happened?”
“Apparently, a pegasus... snuck into the... Armory, stole... a sniper rifle, and shot me... from the clock tower. We're still... investigating suspects.”
“Okay. So, what did you tell Ms. Sparkle?”
“I asked her to... step aside... for a moment. She was... so worried I wasn't... happy with something. I... told her she... was fine, that there... was nothing to... worry about. I only... wanted to tell... her something.”
“What did you tell her?”
“I... said that I... revel in power. That I... almost never use my... magic because... I enjoy it too much. I told her how... I had imprisoned my sister... and why... It was the first... time I had used the Elements... of Harmony by myself. I was... drunk with power, and had... nearly killed her. I told her... I was lucky... that the Elements cannot... kill.”
“And how did she respond?”
“It was strange. She only asked... me why I was telling... her this now. I said... that this party reminded... me of all that... time I had spent... mad with power. Then she... began to cry.”
“Why?”
“Apparently, she... regretted having the... party at all. I said... that remembering... bad memories is not... in itself bad. It was good... to remember that I was not... always so kind as... I am now.”
“Then what did she say?”
“Right after that... I was shot. I have not... spoken with... her since.”
“I see. Well, you have completed your task.”
“...Good. Will you tell... me now... about the Crusaders?”
“Yes. First, do you remember what was in the box?”
“Just... cake decorations.”
“Among those decorations was a model of the East Manetana Bridge. If Applebloom had been present when you unboxed the decorations, she would see the bridge and realize how fascinating architecture is. In fact, you have a bridge in the works right now, don't you?”
“Yes, but... how did you... know?”
“You'd invite her to come see it, and Applebloom would discover her talent for building and improvement.”
“What about the... other two?”
“Who was stopping by Twilight's house that day?”
“Final Draft... the radio DJ... Oh!”
“Exactly! Just as Sweetie Belle stopped by with the crate, she would meet Final Draft. Twilight would mention that Sweetie is a great singer. She'd balk at first, but with only three other people, she'll be convinced to sing.”
“And Final... Draft would be impressed?”
“Oh, he'd be more than that! He'd invite her to be the main feature. 'But I can't sing in front of a crowd,' she'd say. 'You'd be all by yourself in the box,' he'd reply. And thus Sweetie Belle would get her cutie mark for song.”
“And Scootaloo?”
“Scootaloo steals the box from Derpy Hooves, fights off her friends, and takes the box to you. She stands around expectantly, but no cutie mark. Then, who shows up to the library?”
“Derpy Hooves?”
“Yes! She catches up and says, 'Hey! You're really fast!' Scootaloo's never thought of her scooter racing as fast; it's just her chance to do tricks and get from place to place. Derpy offers her a job at the delivery place, and thus Scootaloo discovers her love of speed and travel.”
“One last thing... why were they... required to... work apart?”
“Because their group is destined to fail. Each of them has different talents, but they always work for the same thing. By working separately, they discover that they think differently, too.”
“Of course.”
“Also, there would be too many people for Sweetie to sing, Applebloom would leave before you unpacked the box, and, with all three on the scooter, Scootaloo wouldn't be fast enough for Derpy to be impressed.”
“Wow... such detail...”
“I love details.”
“So I've... heard. I think the doctors... may have found out... I escaped.”
“You're not supposed to be here?!”
“No, but... I'm probably all right.”
“Probably?!”
“I'm an... alicorn. We heal... pretty quickly.”
“Thank you for telling me about your student. Now please, go back to the hospital.”
“Goodbye.”
FLUTTERSHY
“...Are you all right? Do you need some tea?”
“No thank you.”
“Are you all right? I hear your attack went well.”
“I hurt the Princess! I hurt her really badly! And now they're looking for me.”
“How about your rabbit? He has recovered, correct?”
“That's the worst thing. He didn't eat any mushrooms at all! He just had a bad flu virus, and I confused it for poisoning. So I hurt the Princess for nothing.”
“Well, you couldn't have known.”
“How could you tell me to do that? Why? What purpose could that have?”
“You did it because, deep down, it was what you wanted.”
“I would never want to hurt the Princess!”
“Actually, you just did. You wanted to hurt her for the sake of your rabbit. If you didn't believe it was right, then you shouldn't have done it.”
“But allowing Angel to die!”
“All of life is a trade-off, an exchange. Like I told you, you always had a choice. You claim you shot for nothing, but you didn't. You shot for Angel.”
“...How can I live with myself now?”
“I don't know. It's not my place to say.”
“...”
RAINBOW DASH
“Hello.”
“Welcome back. Didn't you have something you wanted to tell me?”
“Mmm. Yeah. Sorry, I've been thinking a lot recently. I'm heading over to the police station right now, so if you want to talk on the way...”
“Sorry. I'm sure the police can wait. Why are you going there anyways?”
“It has to do with what I said before. Why I had to set those traps. I did it because I'm too ambitious, isn't it? I use ponies to get what I want. I put my friends and my competitors to the side for my personal glory. A bit disloyal, I guess. So the traps were a symbol. They made me hurt others to get what I want. I should have known from the beginning.”
“What does all that have to do with the police station?”
“I remember, as I was coming to you before the gunshot, a flash of pink up in the clock tower. Combine that with the claim that it was a pegasus who stole that weapon from the armory, and it didn't take long for me to realize it was Fluttershy.”
“So you're going to turn her in?”
“No. I'm going to say I did it.”
“What? Why?”
“Well, it won't actually be that hard to prove. I was away from the party when the shot took place. And, after all, how could someone as sweet and innocent as Fluttershy do something this twisted? Not to mention that I'll mention I wrecked those cloud houses and was setting traps to hurt ponies.”
“I see.”
“I'll be thrown in jail for a while. Eh, no big loss. I think I need the time to think about who I am and what my purpose is here. I could also stand to come to terms with my sexuality. So, I'm seein' it as a win-win. Pay for my mistakes, save my friend, and get some alone time.”
“Well, that sounds like a good idea, then. Hope it all goes alright.”
“Bye.”
Epilogue
Sub-title: The Man at the Table at the End
PINKIE PIE
“Hello, Bob!”
“Hey, Pinkie. There's something I need to tell you.”
“What is it?”
“I'm... leaving... and I don't know when I'll be back.”
“What? But I thought we were friends?”
“I told you, we could never be friends. It was impossible from the start.”
“Why do you have to go? Aren't there more ponies to help?”
“Yes, but I just have to go. I can't explain. I wish I could.”
“And you don't know when you'll be back?”
“No. For all I know, it could be long after you're gone.”
“I can't... convince you to stay?”
“No, Pinkie. You can't. I'm sorry.”
“Well... *sniff*... it was nice knowing you.”
“Me too. Me too.”
“I hope you're happy, wherever you go.”
“...I don't think I've ever actually been happy before.”
“?”
“Ready for another secret?”
“Oh! Uh, sure.”
“I'm terribly lonely. Everywhere I go, I meet selfish, self-centered people. Most of them never think of me as anything more than a means to an end. I'm just the Man at the Table at the End. But you... you were different. For a few weeks, I didn't feel alone anymore. So thank you, at least, for that. You never asked me for anything for yourself. You were my friend... because you wanted the best for me. You were purely generous.”
“Oh, I'm not Generosity!”
“Huh?”
“Rarity, my best friend, represents Generosity! I'm Laughter!”
“What do you mean?”
“There is one thing that makes me happy. One thing that makes my whole life worthwhile.”
“What's that?”
“When I talk to my friends and get them to smile.”
“...Thank you, Pinkie. Maybe, where I'm going, there'll be someone like you to make my world a little brighter.”
“Goodbye, Bob.”
“Goodbye, my friend. May you never want for anything.”
THE END
Prologue: A Means to an End
Prologue
A Means to an End
He sat alone at his table, sipping his tea and wondering about the place he had ended up. He had no name, at least none he cared to share with anyone else, so in the human worlds, he was called the Man. Not that most of them asked his name, anyway; he was a tool to them, a means to an end. And he liked it that way.
His teapot had emptied. He looked about for someone to refill it. The restaurant was open-air, like all pony cafés. He liked it, he supposed, but he preferred a more private-feeling locale. What he wouldn’t do for a 50’s-style diner right now! Nevertheless, the waiters were friendly, the food reasonably tasty, and he could keep a tab without too much concern.
The only thing he didn’t like was how gosh-darn friendly everyone was. During a 12-hour day (hoof-guided by the Princess here), he seemed to see everyone in Ponyville at least three times. They all waved hello or asked him how he was. For a Man who wanted nothing but to work his deals in peace, it was rather obnoxious.
Still, this world wasn’t all bad, he mused. He was a unicorn, which meant he had access to magic – telekinesis, teleportation, you name it. It would have been difficult to use his Book, he thought, with the fingerless hooves he now possessed. The Book had come across unscathed; that was an immeasurable relief. He still had a job to do, and without the Book, it would have been impossible.
A young mare walked by his table. He had always found the color scheme of the citizens odd. Green, yellow, and blue had no place on an equine, he reasoned. Yet here she was, a beautiful purple pony with a purple mane. Her cutie mark (he was pretty sure that was what they were called) was a cluster of stars, one shining out above the rest. It suggested power, authority, and skill, yet also a tendency to stay by herself. His own cutie mark was difficult to decipher. It seemed to shift when no one was looking at it. At times, the abstract shape looked like the Book; at other times, a safe; sometimes, arrows arranged in a circle; and sometimes, a weight. Again, most rarely asked about it.
The mare had finally stopped. She looked at him, puzzled for a moment, before turning and asking him the fateful question. “Can… can you help me?”
He paused dramatically. This was always his favorite line. He looked her in the eyes and stated, “Yes I can.”