Chapters 99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer...
there was a bizarre thunk as a bottle collided with my head.
"fucking hell Pinkie! aim for me hoof!" i chuckled as i rubbed my head.
it had been several months since i arrived in Ponyville, and having been given a traditional ponyville welcome, i simply did what anypony else would do.
i got shitfaced and partied hard!
however, i never did like clubbing. so in the end i decided to just have the 7 of us here.
i say 7....
there was Pinkie pie, she had a blatant disregard for both physics and various other things.
but she could party boy could she party . Twilight had managed to make herself a rather large book-seat and was constantly slipping off. there was a light thud as she hit the floor. "not one of my best ideas" she slurred.
then there was Rainbow Dash and Applejack, both in the closet but couldnt admit it.
Rarity would on the odd occasion try and push the two of them together, attempting the impossible.
Fluttershy?...well... "...and thats about the time i fell off the cloud" she's a talkative drunk.. bless her heart.
And then there was me, the universe's favorite alcohol-induced punching bag.
life has a funny way of treating me ya know? like one minute its shit and the next, its fuckin brilliant.
the sounds of random music played out. Twilight edged further to me than she usually does.
"Twilgith, what are you think" I was cut off by a drunken kiss.
as soon as she pulled away, she blushed a deep red.
I then watched as she grabbed a fresh bottle of vodka (heavenly stuff) and took a swig.
she grimaced as the bizarre flavour trickled down her throat. i took it off her and took a hearty swig myself.
"How can you drink that stuff straight?" Pinkie pie sounded more relaxed... a drowzy drunk if i'm not mistaken.
"quite easily," i took a second swig. "providing i'm already drunk"
Rarity suddenly giggled at some random object. "it looks... like a penis"
I shot her a look which screamed what the fuck . but then I remembered, she was random when she's drunk.
Twilight continued to look at me with smouldering sultry eyes.
a little voice started to speak in my head. "dude, PROTECTION! MAGIC MISSLE... SOMETHING, YOU'S ABOUT TO GET YOUR BONE JUMPED! " she pounced on my, crashing my thought train.
"whoah... er..Twilight?" i heared the soft snores coming from the mare on top of me.
"well thats just fucking marvellous," i looked around as the others, save for Rarity who had found herself asleep on a couch, and pinkie pie who was asleep on a pile of books, left.
"a little help?" bollocks
i brushed a hoof through Twilight's mane for a moment. "ya know... this isn't actually that bad," i said to myself.
Scooping Twilight up onto my back, i carried her to my bed. gently sliding her off.
after what seemed like an age, i picked up the vodka bottle and walked outside.
staring at the stars. "ahhh this is the life," i smiled to myself. "a bottle of vodka, a clear starry night... and not a single mistake made" I sighed. i took another swig. standing up to get back into the house, i pushed the door.
it wouldn't open.
i pulled the door.
it still wouldnt open.
"fuck," i grumbled. "did it again"
i had the re-occouring problem of locking myself out.
in the end i gave up and carried on drinking. enjoying the sight of the stars.
"ah well.. better start counting," i began to sing "99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer, you take 1 down, pass it aroun' 98 bottles of beer on the wall... "
Twilight had woken up in a bed. "wha? where the fuck am i... oh yeah, round Boozer's...why am i in his..oh god no" she started to panic, until she heard a voice coming from outside. she poked her head out the window and saw him sitting on the front porch. he was drunk as a skunk.
"21 bottles of....stuff...on the floor.... 26 bottles of stuff " my mind had turned to mush after a few hours of singing.
"Boozer, you out there?"
"come on out twi, me wanna watch the sunrise" i watched drunkenly as her ears pricked up.
"sunrise?" i nodded.... nodding makes my head hurt.
she quickly rushed down the stairs..well more like tumbled, and opened the door.
she sat down beside me uncerimoniously. as we watched the sun rise, i simply sighed and finished the bottle.
"you eva heard the phrase a drunk stallions words are a sober stallions thoughts ?" she nodded her head slightly.
i sighed. "good, because I'm drunk..and it be awesome if i got this out in le open"
she looked on, clearly not as drunk as i was. i grumbled something under my breath "you, little miss... are prolly the only pony who actually gets me"
"your drunk" she stated. bloody unicorns... after a bit of sleep they sober up completely i think.
"not the point, point is" i sighed. "I love" you . I passed out, leaving Twilight oblivious to last word of the sentence
Twilight picked me up with her magic, floating me up the stairs and onto my bed. she then crawled in to the bed as well.
she must have guessed the last word, thanking Celestia that she had the day off.
this chapters poison? Becks!
Is it me, or is that cockroach shuffling too loudly?
the smell of coffee and breakfast being made was floating throw the air at an alarming rate.
when the smell invaded my nostrils, my first thought was who the fuck is in my kitchen .
Groggily placing four hooves on the bedroom floor, i took a quick sniff of the bedding. lavender?
being hungover, the sounds of sizzling oil echoed through my ears.
Slowly making my way down the stairs, each hoofstep was somehow amplified.
"for buck sake... would you stop that infernal banging?" came the voice of a hungover, irate Rarity.
Lowering my voice to a whisper, I apologized, finally sitting down at the table.
She looked at me with a slightly disgruntled look. "still too loud?"
"no.. you reek of alcohol" Pinkie pie walked in with coffee.
"Thanks, I'll see if i cant add a little bit of..." I watched as Rarity suddenly vanished.
Pinkie placed the coffee on the table. "go help her" i sighed.
Twilight walked in with a small smile and looked very tired.
"I thought i'd cook some pancakes, hope you didnt mind" she smiled sheepishly.
"Twi, you didn't use all the eggs did you?" I asked, she shook her head.
I then chuckled and wandered over to the kitchen.
grabbing different ingredients. "lets see now... one egg... bit of salt, bit of pepper... some tobasco sauce, some...fuck...where'd i put that... ah... worcester sauce... and some... oh fuck... gin will have to do"
i hastily made the bizarre cocktail then downed it. "ugh, i'll never get used to that" i sighed.
the grimace could be seen by a now distraught Rarity who was complaining about an unladylike act she had just committed.
Pinkie was holding a bag of ice to her head. poor mare.
"not so loud," she giggled quietly "well, looks like we wont be drinking for a little while again"
i placed a hoof on my chin in thought. "Perhaps i should open a cocktail bar"
Twilight shot me an approving look. I reached for the coffee on the table.
Rarity watched as Twilight and I conversed over coffee and pancakes. She lowered herself inline with the plate of pancakes in front of her. hangover is affecting my magic...wow...these pancakes are really good were the only thoughts in her head. She could see the faint blush on Twilight's cheeks as the purple mare became more flustered.
"oh goddess's i have to get back to the library!" Twilight blurted out. I simply sighed.
"hey, Twi? mind if i take you out to dinner friday? maybe?" as soon as i asked this, she stopped dead in her tracks, then nodded.
"say...7?" same reaction. she then sped out the door. Rarity then looked up at me.
"okay... what just happened?"
"something which deserves a drink" i smiled as i poured a shot of whiskey into my coffee.
"hey, Pinks, think you can make it home?" the party pony simply smiled.
she began to help tidy up before she left.
this chapters poison? some cheep yet strangly tasty lager from a freekin supermarket...still got...24 bottles of the crap left to drink ¬L¬
i aint gonna go to rehab.. i said fuck..fuck no!
"..oh shit oh shit oh shit" I was currently panicking and pacing around my living room.
"relax, Bee, relax" A mellow sounding voice was heard.
"Doc, how can i relax when its the first fuckin date" I exclaimed. he slid me a drink.
i looked at him in mild shock. "liquid courage?... when you're right, you're right" i opened the bottle and downed it.
Doctor Whooves was basically just offering morale support. "just relax man, its only dinner... its not like you'll end up getting trashed and... horizontal tango-ing" I face-hoofed.
"so who's the lucky Mare? or did you actually grow some balls"
"i grew some balls" i grinned, glancing at the time. "dude, your gonna be late yourself" i chuckled.
he looked up at the clock and a grimace shot over his face. "break a leg for good luck" he ran out.
such a strange stallion.
I left the house at 6:30pm, grabbing the note of reservations at a swanky restaurant.
meanwhile... with Twilight.
"what do I do Rarity? what if he turns up drunk? what if he"
"enough with the what ifs Darling," Rarity huffed "now hold still, its hard enough to do eyeliner as it is with your color"
there was a knock at the door. "oh BUCK thats him, Spike could you? just dont let him upstairs"
"on it Twilight" The little dragon sped off.
the door was opened, standing there infront of me was a small purple dragon. "you must be Boozer, She's still getting ready"
I simply chuckled. "No Problem little dude," I smiled. "She's worth the wait" the little dragon grinned at that.
"good, i dont want her to come back in tears, otherwise... something is gonna get burnt to a crisp" i looked into his emerald eyes for a moment. "no problem" i smiled.
after a while, we had gotten talking about different things, he asked me what i did for a job.
"I've done alot of things, at the moment I'm an author.. of sorts" i pulled a book out from the lifestyle section of the library. boozer's book of classic cocktails a few hoofsteps were heard coming down the steps.
needless to say, my jaw dropped. She looked beautiful.
words could hardly describe but for you, dear readers? I could have one hell of a try.
She was wearing what appeared to be a simple black dress, with her cutie mark emblazoned on the flank of it.
with a simple light touch of eyeliner to bring out even more of her big violet eyes. "what do you think?" Twilight asked.
by this time... i could no longer make comprehensible thought.
i simply pushed my jaw up with a hoof. she giggled and then blushed. "that good huh?"
i nodded furiosly. i suddenly felt a tingle. "and your sober!"
"surprised?"
"yeah, half the time i see you, your either plastered or writing" she giggled.
"well then, lets blow this taco stand and go out on the town" i grinned.
In the mind of an Alcoholic
so... I was sitting here at 1:45 in the morning... Drinking myself stupid and writing... when i realized something... Im alone.... and drinking.....
bear in mind that this chapter takes place a few months later... I feel like a moron for not explaining this in said chapter...
feel free to bitch and whine about it being depressing... Screw you...I smell of vodka... literally...
mind you this is the way i deal with alcoholism... that and bad spelling/ grammar.
the answer is beer
I feel like shit.
Sitting here, thinking about things which shouldn't be thought about.
"god damn it, why?" I asked nobody in particular.
I tried to answer my own question by writing a longwinded lament about how one Stallion's alcohol dependancy ruined his life.
"fuck me, this sucks" I sat there gazing into my drink as i screwed up the paper and threw it in the bin.
taking a sip of the dark liquid, I hissed. it's strong flavor burning my throat ever so gently.
I threw a now empty bottle onto a pile. taking a deep whiff of the smell.
The house itself had become a cesspool of ethanol.
All because she left me.
Twilight Sparkle had left me.
all because she thought I was more addicted to the alcohol than I was to her.
I hung my head in drunken shame. nearly everything I wrote these days was either a pile of shit or, Celestia forbid, a best seller. I drunkenly stumbled out of the house, giving up on staying away from the local pub. But somehow, I never made it there. I ended up in some Church, praying to whatever Princess who was awake at the time.
In a bizarre sense of timing, the wind blew the door open, piece of paper floated on the wind.
"Alcoholics anonymous huh?" I screwed the paper up and placed it in the bin.
"Celestia... or Luna... whoever' listening... Your kidding right?"
Again, the same flyer flew in through the door.
Needless to say, my past experiences with the AA never ended up as planned.
I would turn up either drunk or sober... and by sober I mean, i'd hide alcohol in the Coffee.
most of the Ponies in Ponyville would agree that If it weren't for the fact that the elements of harmony were here, I'd be providing most of the strange occurrences.
I realized I'd become the one thing I hated the most.
a conformist.
I like my alcohol, that much is true. she had once seen me drink a Gryphon under the table.
but its when I came cantering up to her in all my drunken glory, she could see the smile on my face.
but its what she said, that broke my heart.
"if you want to kill yourself, thats fine.. but don't expect me at the funeral"
she was right.
If anything happened to me while under the influence... it would only be my fault.
so...
I'm going to do it. Cut down on my alcohol consumption, I mean...
as the Princesses are my witnesses... I vow to .... not drink as much as I usually do.
Starting... next week.... what?...
i have a wedding to go to.
and weeere back
Pinkie never said whose wedding it was.... so Imagine my surprise when i watched Twilight walk down the isle.
Some how, my emotional spectrum had decided it best to not work. my face retained a stoic expression as I sat down.
It was almost as if the universe was playing a prank on me. whatever it was.... it wasn't funny anymore.
after the procession was over, I simply walked out of the church slowly, almost disappearing into the crowd.
I sat down near a lake contemplating things, dark things.... silly things.....
Other all, I sighed wandering back to the bar, seeing all the others from the wedding. I turned and ran.
finally reaching a cliff overlooking Ponyville, I simply laid down and cried. however, unbeknownst to me, there was a distinct chill in the air, that... coupled with the sounds of hooves behind me. ""Bee?... are...are you alright?"
"yeah just fine and fucken dandy thanks for...." I snapped at the intruder as i turned to face them. "...asking"
It was Pinkie, she was shocked by my rebuttal, and more so by my appearance. "Pinks.... just... I'm sorry... Having a really bad day" I looked down, mentally berating myself for acting like i did. "I 'm sorry too, I should have told you whose wedding it was"
I gritted my teeth but calmed down, seeing that her mane had literally deflated. "so... when did they meet?"
Pinkie shot me a look and then laughed meekly. "they didn't....it was arranged"
I simply sighed, "Pinks, you might want to cover your ears for a few...seconds" she obliged.
I took a deep breath, and began a very long single-syllabled expletive which if amplified by the powers of the royal canterlot voice... could very well shake the very foundations of the heavens themselves.
Somewhere in canterlot castle, Luna's ears pricked up, and she let out a very quiet "oh my"
I took another breath to calm myself down. "so much for quitting" Pinkie looked confused, then made an inquiry.
"ooohhhh... you were quitting for Twilight huh? I should have read that last chapter..."
I blinked, shurgged my shoulders and then sat down. Pinkis, sat next to me, her mane still looking like a shadow of its former self. "so, what's bothering you?"
She began to sniffle slightly. "Pokey isn't returning any of my calls"
I sighed, "forget him, He's a bigger asshole than me.... has a tendancy to try and ...well... pierce any mare he sees"
I noticed she fell deeper into her funk. "Screw it, lets go get drunk, stay up late and play nothing but tekken 2, like we used to"
her mane inflated a little bit.
