Chapters Characters (because there's way to fu*king many to keep track) The Beginning I Am Writing This Heavily Inebriated. (Chapter 2) Pinkie Dies (Like my writers block) FFS I Got a MLP Advent Calendar (2017) Khrusts, Spanners, Nooses, Jelf, Buuth, Hong Kong, Jackie Shawe, A Paedo, Depression, Schizophrenia, Pizza, No Boyfriend, Eeth-Eeth, oh-oh Pizza, PIZZA - He loves the fukin Pizza: Pizzas and Nooses and Spanners and Jeeelfs. Stalin' For Time View Online
Characters (because there's way to fu*king many to keep track)
The Beginning
It was a dark and shitty night in ponyville. The birds were dead, the flowers withered, and the elements of harmony were out having a picnic in the meadows, despite it raining. Twilight had forgotten to check SKY News for the weather forecast, and was now being scowled at by her friends.
"I love the salad you made Rainbow Dash!" Pinkie exclaimed cheerfully. "Who else thinks so?"
"Yes it is quite divine, darling!" Rarity said blissfully, forgetting that all they were eating were regular fucking salad leaves, like every other day.
"Ah' still think some apples would'a made this sumin' special like." Applejack moaned, thinking about the fruits she secretly inserted into herself most evenings, unknowns to her friends. Suddenly the whole earth around them began rumbling quite vigorously, and in the sky appeared a giant Separatist Battle-cruiser, and out jumped Macho Man: Randy Savage!
"I've been to the top of the mountain!!!!" he yelled while pointing at Fluttershy. "Hey, freakshow! You're goin' nowhere! I got ya for three minutes of playtime!" He then wiggled his fingers. The shitty yellow horse had her mouth open in a gasp, but before she could say a single word, Savage had his large throbbing dick in her mouth. She was appalled, shocked and horrified at first, but she soon began moaning seductively, enjoying the roughness of his sweaty dick in her mouth.
The other ponies watched shocked as their shyest friend was sucking off such a famous celebrity in public with ease. All except Pinkie, who had started masturbating vigorously. Then out of absolutely nowhere, Donald Trump appears, dragging a Mexican child by a chain, and begins ass-fucking Applejack.
Applejack moaned in ecstasy as the Republican Presidential Nominee trusted his stone-hard, racist dick up her ass with no regard to the horrible jerks he was giving the Mexican child being pulled by the steel links.
Twilight had started masturbating at the scene when she saw the single hottest scene in her entire life unfold before her. As the two humans fucked their mares (Randy Savage pulled his dick out of Fluttershy's mouth and stuffed it her sweet, tender pussy.) Savage began French kissing Donald Trump. He grunted in pleasure as he fucked the light yellow Pegasus and passionately tongue wrestled Trump at the same time so he wasn't doing just gay shit.
"Oh," Trump yelled victoriously, "I am going to build that wall so fucking high the Mexicans won't be able to see the sun!"
Suddenly Twilight looked away from the scene (But she didn't stop masturbating!) and saw Rarity having a three way with the Ghost Adventures crew. The leader, Zak, was plowing her in the minge, while Aaron got his dick slobbered on in her mouth. They moaned and began kissing each other and at that point Rainbow Dash came over and started eating out Zak's ass. Slowly she stuck her tongue up into Zak's poop chute and began eagerly slurping up his shit.
Twilight came and as soon as she finished masturbating. Quite shocked at what was going on, she suddenly felt her legs being spread, and looked up to see Peter Capaldi insert his spongy, shrived dick into her welcoming unicorn pussy.
"Fuckity HI!!!" He screamed as he continued to pound harder into her ass, while shoving the Sonic Screwdriver into her mouth and turning it onto its dildo setting.
Twilight looked up and smiled at the giggling actor and became twice as aroused when she saw Spike come up behind Capaldi and began to fuck his ass. Twilight loved the feeling of the fifty+ year old cock in her snatch as it absorbed all her pussy fluids it began to bulge, stuffing her vag to its limits until it nearly burst like a colostomy bag.
With a final grunt, Randy Savage and Donald pulled out of their ponies and started to 69 as they came, filling each other's mouth with warm semen. Tonald Dump let go of the chain in his grip, allowing the Mexican child to quickly board the giant Starship and head back to Mexico with several tons of crack and coke.
Fluttershy began kissing Applejack and looked over to see that Pinkie had also willingly gotten in on the action as Jeremy Kyle began stuffing her pinkie candy vag with his unemployed-hating cock.
"GET A FUCKING JOB AND SUPPORT YOUR FAMILY, YOU LITTLE BITCH!!!" He screamed in anger, as his studio audience began clapping (and clopping).
Meanwhile, after they came, Donald and Randy began to have a casual conversation as they masturbated to the orgy in front of them and ate popcorn (Which was covered in blood and semen.) Fluttershy and Applejack stopped fucking and were immediately taken by surprise by the Myth Busters. When the Myth Busters came their load, Jamie pulled out of Sluttershy, jizzed in his palm and smeared it all over his nipples, and when Adam came he pulled his dick out, rammed it into Rarity's ass, and said "Looks like this myth's just been..." and then right as he came he screamed out in utter bliss "Busted!"
Peter Capital gave his signature "Fuckity Bye!!!" came, and then quickly did a few dozen back-flips into the Tardis which was parked in a sex-shop hidden behind a large tree. Then he took off, travelling back in time to rape his 12 past incarnations of himself, plus Susan - his granddaughter. Twilight held her hoof to her chest, panting heavily and unable to comprehend the amount of semen and blood all around and over their picnic.
"That sure was fun! Now Spike, please be a good dear and fucking die!" she said, venom filling her already demonic voice and when she said it Spike became severely depressed, took out some rope and hung himself off of the tree the Tardis was parked behind.
Then out of the sex-shop came Mohammed Emwazi and he started ramming Rainbow Dash's pussy with his Muzlamic dick. RD screamed in pleasure as the Islamic State executioner known as Jihadi John fucked her with his abnormally large pork hating dick. John fucked Rainbow for a full 20 minutes until he shot his warm seed into her vag. RD panted in pleasure as she came to and turned around to look her lover in the eyes. She then began to speak, only to have Jihadi John shriek and pull out a knife. "Allahu Ackba!!!"
Jihadi John swung at Trump and missed, so Donald Trump threw his popcorn at him, irritating randy Savage who had not yet had his fill.
"Oh, you'll get your 'fill' soon mate!" John said, as he threw the head of a civilian towards him. Trump was clearly irritated by this, and knocked the Trump wall over onto John, who lay slowly dying under a ton of bricks.
"Now where were we?" Donald Trump hissed as he turned round to finish fucking the main 6, but they had all fucked off. They were running back towards their homes, petrified at the prospect of Donald Trump taking over Equestria and banning all Changelings from entering the country. "You won't escape me you little cunts!"
Author's Note
This is purely a joke. So if you get butthurt then that is entirely your fault for not having a sense of humor.
Peace.
I Am Writing This Heavily Inebriated. (Chapter 2)
"I am not sure what a 'Tronald Dump' is, Twilight, but I suggest you stop lying to me." Princess Celestia shook her head lowly in disappointment, as her student Twilight Sparkle and her five friends all tried to explain the events of the last chapter. Luna stood next to to the sun princess, eyes darting towards a purple dildo parading from out of her sisters saddlebag.
"Princess, you must believe us!" Rairity squealed in that awful mock English accent which made Fluttershy commit grievous bodily harm on Angel. First she sliced the ears off, followed by the legs and arms. She then covered his (her?) eyes with duct tape and renamed it 'Matt' before allowing the poor creature to scuttle away in agony. But good news for Rainbow Dash (who was a masochist), it died just before the stairs and became pornography for two royal guards. They released their 'magical fluids' onto the corpse and began committing acts which even I am afraid to describe. - joking. They brought it back to life with a spell and then played Soggy Biscuit with it as it wept as more fluids washed the disabled rabbit away like a tsunami.
"Donald Trump is going to send all of the Earth Ponies to Tartarus, and then erect a wall." Twilight finished, raising her voice more than he had meant to.
"He's pretty good at erecting things!" Pinkie giggled, touching herself in memory of Donald Trump and his sexy as fuck hair.
All of a sudden, the two royal guards dropped the the ground with a thud like a sack of shit would make, and several Stormtrooper's came rushing into Celestia's office, all of them with laser weapons aimed at her. Fluttershy whimpered and one of the troopers got fucking fed up with her one piece of character development and shot her in the face exactly twenty-eight times, as Applejack wept over her body, even though she wasn't dead.
"Why'd ya kill mah sex-ay Flutter's? She did nutin' to yall!" she wept, unaware of the yellow horse moving below her. She was trying to get up.
"Um.. Applejack, I'm fine." But stopped when Applejack forced her face into the ground and broke her nose.
"She was mah all, and yall took her away from me!" Applejack had obviously gone insane, and Twilight, Rarity and Pinkie Pie all cried as the Stormtrooper's took a selfie as Applejack was vigorously smashing the head of the very much alive Fluttershy against the ground, spatters of blood squirting from her nose and mouth, as well as constant whimpering. Rainbow Dash just didn't care, she laughed at the situation and started mockingly screaming at Applejack that she was dead too, and AJ completely lost it, gripping her own head and spinning around in confusion as if on the Waltzers.
All the while, Celestia and Luna started to eat popcorn, amused at the unstable mindset of the Element of Honesty. "Honestly Luna, I want to engage in something which I forbid all those years ago. Something so dark and disturbing that even Tartarus isn't allowed to use it as punishment."
"What is that, dear sister?" Luna wondered, looking up at a flushed red face. The reply was not needed, as Celestia's godlike tongue slid into Luna's mouth, tasting every inch and corner of her own sister.
Twilight had begun to twitch as she headed past the Stormtrooper battalion alongside Rainbow and Pinkie. Applejack was excecuted by Celestia for being a total lunatic and Fluttershy was banished for causing mental instability to her. Rarity was shot and killed by the troopers (for real this time) and became a warm fuckable sock-puppet to be used by Lord Vader once they had returned to the Death Star.
Author's Note
Sorry, I don't even know what to think lol fu*k off bitching it is a joke and if you get offended by the thought of cartoon horses getting murdered and raped and turned into sock puppets then you genuinely have no life and i think you should just jump off a bridge and hang yourself.
View Online
I Am Writing This Heavily Inebriated. (Chapter 2)
Pinkie Dies (Like my writers block)
"Time is something present in all."
I like men
"We're here for something, you make the call."
I also like women
"There is no truth that you can retain, now press deez buttons and make me insane!"
But I am not Bi-Sexual
Hitler and Stalin were both trying to figure out how to use the public payphone before the scary man that was chasing them caught up. Hitler was 100% sure that the person chasing them was Anne Frank's dad, so he had his portable gas canister at the ready, and as Stalin began to dial some more random numbers he pulled the gas canister from his SS jacket and placed it on the ground next to a jar of Coleman's English Mustard.
"What the fuck are you doing?" Stalin stared at Hitler tapping the can against the glass jar, confused.
"Trying to craft Mustard Gas." Hitler replied nonchalantly, and continued kneeling and tapping.
"You like to tap that don't ya?"
"Shut your communist Russian mouth, you fat cunt!" Hitler exploded, angry that Stalin had guessed his Fetish for gas. He threw a small penny at him that he pulled from his chest pocket.
"Haha!" Stalin bellowed, before letting go of the phone and walking to Adolf's side. "You just got triggered."
Triggered like a remainer who can't accept that the UK is leaving the EU
A black cloaked figure stepped fourth out from behind the phone-box located next to a large forest, causing Hitler to piss his pants and dash behind Stalin, who was fat enough to hide him completely. Unfortunately for the pair of heroic men it seemed to have four legs.
"Israel has created a super-Jew!" Hitler shrieked and flailed his arms.
"Shut up, Hitler." Stalin snapped, approaching the hooded creature with curiosity, he lifted the hood and saw a huge smile which made him angry because it was bigger than the Soviet Union. "THE FUCC IS THIS?!"
"hI! i'M pINKIE pIE! aND i HAVE SOMETHING SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH ME!!!"
"Why the fuck is it shouting?" Hitler hissed, covering his ears and eyes to block himself from the spectrum of pure autism that he found before him.
"It's one of the little sluts that inherit this world." Stalin droned. "We need to find Donald Trump, Darth Vader, Jihadi John and the crew before we alter time and space."
"dO YOU TWO WEIRD LOOKING MUNK-EIEZ WANT TO PLAY A GAME?"
"Uh, what type of 'game'?" Hitler took his fingers from his ears as he was secretly a little faggot who loved playing Snakes and Ladders in his dead Austrian mothers basement, whilst sucking off all of the Nazi Party.
"iT'S CALLED 'sMILe'!"
"I've got a better idea, uh, Pinkie Pie." Stalin began rummaging through his Hammer & Sickle logo'd manbag.
"yEAH! sHARE! sHARE!" Pinkie then became too excited and began licking her own puss as she sat on Hitler's face, drowning out the screams.
"It's called, 'Die, you stupid irritating, Pink, motherfucking dickhead of a little shitfest which exists to only cause more autistic genes in kids and spread autism and Jew-ism across the Nazi and Soviet Empires'."
"tHAT SOUNDS sOOOOoooooOOOOOoooooOOOOooooooOOOOOooooooo----"
Hitler was now past the point of madness.
"-oooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOo, FUN!"
"It is." Stalin pulled out the small Submachine-Gun from his bag and then grabbed Hitler by his ankle, tossing him to safety. Then he began firing at the horse. And he used every. Single. Bullet...... straight into the eye holes - and it was amazing. The blood went everywhere, including into the mouth of Stalin and Hitler. Hitler finished her off by mustard gassing the corpse to liquid goo, and then they both had a majestic play in her remains like it was fucking "Jelly-Bath."
So yeah, Pinkie Pie died horribly in this chapter (good), but find out how Bi-Light and Rain-BLOW gather up ISIS AND Donald Trump to mount a counter attack next time.
Author's Note
I don't know. Blame days off work.
Pinkie Dies (Like my writers block)
Stalin' For Time
It was a warm and sunny day in Ponyville again, the sun was shining and the grass was green, a perfect day for another picnic. Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash, were sitting on a large blanket in the meadow enjoying some delectable daffodil and daisy sandwiches and various other lunchtime foods.
"Great potato salad Ditzy!" Twilight exclaimed, but then she remembered that most of her friends were six-foot under.
Twilight looked at her one friend happily and said in a Ditzy-like voice “Why thank you guys! But really, my little muffin did most of the work!"
"Twilight you're going insa--"
"What?"
"Nothing. Did I ever tell you about the time I-" Rainbow Dash started, but stopped suddenly when they heard a loud bang, and then an explosion following the orgy, followed by smaller popping noises in the distance. "That sounded like it came from what is left of Ponyville!" she said. Twilight grew increasingly concerned with this and said "Come on every pony! Let’s go back to check things out." Rainbow was the only one there to nod in agreement with the purple mare and started to trot back to Ponyville.
About twenty minutes later, the pair of friends arrived in Ponyville and were greatly disturbed by what they saw. They watched in horror as groups of what looked like monkeys, only they were hairless except for on their heads, they had rather dark skin, and they wore (not) clothes and carried automatic weapons kicked down the doors to various pony's houses and stormed them. Walking slowly behind them was an adult who had a mustache and was smoking a cigar. He laughed as the young boys tossed the poor, unsuspecting ponies out on to the street and herded them into the center of town.
Twilight and Rainblow who had just arrived from the meadows were shocked and appalled as they beasts separated the ponies from their families and herded them into groups of colts, fillies, mares, and stallions. They turned and looked in horror as they heard a familiar voice yell "Don't you dare touch them, you monsters!" as they saw Mr. Cake run towards one of the soldiers and who was taking their two babies away. The other soldiers just laughed and pointed their Ak 47's at Mr. Cake and gunned him down. Mrs. Cake watched in horror.
The soldiers just shrugged and tossed her babies in with the other infant ponies. Twilight and the other autistic one tried to sneak around to try and help some of the soon to die kids when they heard a guard shriek and began bellowing in some form of tribal way of communication.
"Look! There are more of the filthy sinners over there!"
The next thing that the two remaining Mane-Sex members saw were cans seeping a red colored gas come hurtling towards them. As soon as they landed the two started coughing and fell unconscious.
Twilight was the first one to wake up. From her blurred vision she watched, helplessly as the soldiers had lined up the stallions against a wall and were forcing the young colts to take rifles and kill their own family members. She saw that Big Mac was one of them. She winced as the colts open fired, killing their loved ones. She stopped watching when the soldiers started loading the crying colts up into large trucks and started to carry them away. She turned away in an attempt to see something less horrific, but saw something even more horrific, which is absolutely fucking goddamn hysterical. (Not the dying kids, her being horrified - even i have limits. Yet im writing this but IDGAFF.)
The soldiers had put all the infants into a pile and started to pour gasoline all over them. The baby four-legged autism-spores started to cry as the gasoline stung their fragile bodies, but it was nothing compared to what was going to happen next. The soldiers started to laugh manically as one of them took a lit match a dropped it onto the baby pile. Twilight vomited as she watched the children, including Pumpkin and Pound cake, being burned alive and cooked, baked and served as CAKES lmao. Twilight started to cry as she watched the infant foals rolling, twisting in agony as the flames ate away at their young, tender, flesh.
Twilight turned back around and saw that the cargo trucks had come back, and they were now loading the mares and fillies on board to it. She watched as her unconscious friends were hefted onto the truck, and waited for them to grab her. But lucky for Twilight she heard someone yell "We're out of room!" so the soldiers just looked at her broken form, laughed and started to drive away. They just left her there, in the middle of her destroyed home town. And then she blacked out once more.
Twilight awoke again and saw from her blurred vision the last thing she wanted to see then. She saw two boy soldiers standing on each side of Spike and they were beating the crying dragon. Twilight was still too weak to move so she just watched mortified and appalled as the soldiers started to toy with the dragon in the most horrible ways. The soldiers started by taking a combat knife and slowly pushed it into Spike's eye while the other held him down. Twilight was too shocked to even remember that Spike had earlier topped himself in an earlier event, but as the baby dragon screamed in pain she couldn't think, as they started to twist the knife, turning his eyeball upside down. After they pulled it out the soldier that was torturing Spike (He was also laughing) started to slowly step on the purple dragon's testiez. Spike screamed "TWILIGHT! HELP ME!" just as Spike's balls popped and fluids started to leak out from underneath the soldier's shoes.
The soldier then gave Spike a sharp kick to the penis, unzipped his pants, and brought the baby dragon's ass towards his erect, black dick. Spike started to cry as the young, teenage boy soldier vandalized his youthful anus, tearing it to shreds with every thrust. "STOP! PLEASE! JUST STOP!" Spike yelled. But it was no use, the soldier kept on sliding his rock hard member into Spike's ass. The second soldier became aroused by this so he unzipped his pants and began to stroke his throbbing dick. They both were so aroused that they found themselves close to orgasm in almost no time at all. The soldier who was ass raping Spike pulled out and lined his pulsating dick up against Spike's broken testicles while the other soldier shoved his dick into Spike's hollow eye socket. They both sprayed large quantities of semen into their targets at the same time, which they found arousing. It was not the same feeling for Prick though - I mean Spike.
The semen was burning Spike's wounds and he yelled "PLEASE LET ME DIE! JUST LET ME FUCKING DIE!" the first soldier pulled up his pants and said "Sure thing you evil beast!" and shot Spike in the chest seven times and walked off, thankfully, they didn't notice Twilight.
"SPIKE?!" Twilight ran up to him and cried as blood and other fluid with a hint of 'cream' trickled out of every hole in the dragons body. "Are you okay?" The idiotic question was enough to send a surge of energy through Spike's dying frame and he snapped at her.
"What kind of fucking question is that, you dumb blonde!" He died, and it was awful.
Twilight was still in shock, when Rainbow came out of seemingly nowhere and rested a wing over her back, before erupting into a fit of laughter. "It's just a prank, bro!"
"So, everyone is okay?" Twilight rubbed her eyes and smiled. "It was just a prank of yours?"
"No, this!" Rainbow then took a shit on Spike and then tossed the carcass away, before laughing again. "Everyone is still dead."
FFS I Got a MLP Advent Calendar (2017)
Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter. View Online
Khrusts, Spanners, Nooses, Jelf, Buuth, Hong Kong, Jackie Shawe, A Paedo, Depression, Schizophrenia, Pizza, No Boyfriend, Eeth-Eeth, oh-oh Pizza, PIZZA - He loves the fukin Pizza: Pizzas and Nooses and Spanners and Jeeelfs.
Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter. FFS I Got a MLP Advent Calendar (2017)
"So then, I learned that I was easily able to slide several oranges up inside my rectum."
"Uh, huh..." replied Dash, staring at her fruit, "That's nice, Twilight."
Recent events aside, Rainbow Dash was actually fine, just a wee bit down every now and then, as she still lived and honestly she didn't give a flying (lol see what I did there?) fuck about what anyone else did or thought about her. Twilight, on the other hand, transformed into something that could only be described as batshit insane. Most days she would be eating grass through her nostrils, trying to insert round objects into herself as if she was some kind of baby toy, and then there were the baths in manure, as if she was a trans-species pony pig.
"Twilight, what do you say about us going back to ponyville once more and trying to save the day?"
"Nah fam. CBA! Lol #YoloSwag!" Twilight gurgled out from under the feces. She was burying her own nose and face into the puddle, whilst also trying to reach around and push more questionable things up her arsecrack.
All of a sudden, a tall figure cast a shadow over the pair of them, and Twilight took her head out of the waste, smiling up at what was clearly a Muslim terrorist. "Good morning, Princess Celestia!" Twilight boomed happily, which made Rainbow facepalm hard.
"Allahu Akbar..." He cooed gently and seductively into Twilight's ear.
