Chapters *Silent Protagonist Noises*
*Silent Protagonist Noises*
Princess Celestia glanced to the stone statue in the garden, a frown forming on her muzzle. Gazing through one of the stained windows in her castle, she took notice of the several cracks swirling around the foundation. The horrified look on the statue’s complexion seemed to curl into a sneering smirk, although she blamed it on her not getting enough sleep.
She knew that the one thousand year banishment was soon coming to an end, and that her land would once again be plagued by his chaos. As he once so eloquently put; “Hahahah!” The last time she banished him was a necessity to assure the safety of her subjects, but now he’s going to want revenge.
Her sister left to clean up the throne rooms after their prank war , as she was the one to start it. While it was a valiant battle, Princess Celestia is still finding pieces of cake in her mane and tail. Which is something that eludes her, as her mane is ethereal.
Scanning around the garden, she noticed a group of fillies and colts being led by a teacher. Miss Cheerilee, if she recalls from one of Twilight's letters. Three fillies kept fighting near the statue until Miss Cheerilee caught on and reprimanded them.
Princess Celestia gasped when she saw the statue’s eye move. It is him waking up, then. She sighed loudly as she trotted to the Elements of Harmony chamber, her trot soon evolving into a gallop as she skid to a halt in front of it.
She placed her horn inside of a hole, shoving it inside roughly, with no patience. The hole clenched tight on her horn as she penetrated it, her horn lighting up and about to burst. She pulled out and thanked the heavens as the door shifted and opened up.
Activating her horn, she levitated a decorated box over to herself and lifted the lid, peering inside. Hearing herself gasp for the second time that day, her mind raced with a million thoughts per second at the misfortunate sight of the box being empty.
H-How could this be?! The only pony that has the access and knowledge to open the door is herself and Luna! There is no reasonable, logical explanation as to why this box in her hooves has no contents. There is not a single one. This must be the work of Discord.
Just then, she heard the sound of metal clashing against metal behind her. Standing up and turning around, she faced a familiar sight. Standing in front of her was a tall, armored knight. Except there is a weird thing on its back… This must be the guardian she ordered online.
Throwing the Elements of Harmony to her, she caught all six of them and dropped them into the box. Shutting it, she saw the knight writing on a piece of paper with a quill. It grunted angrily and then crossed something out before finally turning the paper to face her.
“You call?” She read aloud, narrowing her eyes to perceive the words better. Well, this really what she ordered, it seems. She smiled slightly as she devised a plan inside of her head, all the pieces coming together nicely. “Alright, this is what I need you to do…”
* * *
Two Days Later…
The land of Equestria was in total chaos. Houses spun wildly in the air, the occupants flailing around inside of their home. The ground was reminiscent of a checkboard, and several pathways were transformed into a soapy texture, anypony who dared step onto it would spiral out of control.
Pink, fluffy clouds floating high above the ground poured down pure chocolate rain, and there was a pony twisting his head away from the microphone to breathe before continuing to sing about the situation. And in the midst of this mess were the Elements of Harmony, being involuntarily thrown into a game with the Spirit Of Chaos himself.
“Where’s Princess Celestia?!” Twilight Sparkle yelled at Discord, the small unicorn furious. The other bearers were staring daggers into him, all of them standing behind the purple mare.
“Oh, dear Celestia? I assure you, Twilight, that she is quite fine. After all, she always wanted to see the Moon herself.” He jubilantly replied, grabbing the Moon with his claw and holding it. On top of it were miniature versions of Princess Celestia and Princess Luna. They were shouting with a squeaky voice, but their size made it difficult to make out what they were saying.
“Stop this! Or we'll be forced to use the Elements of Harmony!” Twilight Sparkle hollered at the Demon Spawn, her horn lighting up as she grabbed the Elements of Harmony and placed them on her and her friends.
“Oh, those decorated bargain bin jewelry pieces? Oh dear, Celly never told me how funny you really are! I assure you, Sparkle, I- Oh no.” The life drained from Discord’s face as he cowered in fear from the last person he wanted to see. He locked him in a box for a reason!
“That’s not going to-” Twilight's words hitched in her throat as a knight plastered in armor stepped next to her, cracking his knuckles and rolling his neck, a sickening crack ringing out. He stepped forward and grabbed Discord by the scruff of his beard.
Grinning under his helmet, Doomguy began to pummel the living hell out of the Spirit of Chaos, his body changing with each hit. From a flamingo to a small bird, his body transformed after each consecutive punch the marine delivered. He heard several gasps to his left and turned to look.
Twilight Sparkle, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Rarity, and Fluttershy all gasped and their jaws were wide open in shock. The marine lifted his free hand and gave them a thumbs-up before shrugging and returned to brutally assaulting Discord.
“I think you've done enough, Doomguy.” Princess Celestia piped up, a small smirk appearing on her face. She walked up to him and Discord before she closed her eyes and Discord disappearing, the world returning to normal. “I thank you for your services, but I no longer require them.”
She raised her hoof up for a hoofshake, but he instead bumped his fist against the frog of hers and wiggled his fingers as he slowly brought his hand back. Celestia blinked, but regained her composure and Doomguy disappeared, him being content that defeated another demon.
The End.
Author's Note
This is all shit that didn't make it into to the original story for reasons. I also want to thank you all for the attention I've recieved. I'm sure most of you are waiting for the first Demonic Intervention bonus chapter and I can assure you it's being worked on while you read this.
Thank you all!
Special Bonus Chapter
Doomguy The Roommate.
Princess Twilight sighed as she rubbed her forehead with a hoof, a vein threatening to pop out if she gets any more frustrated. Her and her roommate were standing in the middle of her tree library, and Spike was too busy sleeping to help her with the problem at hoof.
Princess Celestia tasked Twilight to watch over Doomguy and make sure that he doesn't go on a killing rampage after what he did to Discord. She was shocked at what the marine did to the Spirit of Chaos, and so was Celestia. They weren't expecting that kind of violence.
Fast forward a few years and now the once student of Princess Celestia, Twilight Sparkle is now a princess of Equestria. Except without the castle. And the guards. And everything else that a princess usually gets when she becomes one.
Nevermind, let's just get back to the story, huh?
“No, Doomguy, how many times do I have… To tell you, you can't pay rent with blood and guts . Nopony wants that. They want bits.” Twilight scolded the marine who was standing there with a pile of demon guts in his arms. He shrugged and dropped it to the ground.
“Okay, no, that's… No, that's not where it goes either… Just throw them out the damn window!” Doomguy threw the pile of guts out the window, which landed with a sick squelch on the ground. Twilight was so very close to snapping, this was such a horrible idea.
“And if you're going to bring company over, why can't you make sure they aren't, oh I don't know, flesh eating demons !” Doomguy pushed the demonic girls out the window as well, locking it so they can't get back in.
“One last thing, why do you have a portal to Tartarus in your room? Why… Why do you need to rip and tear?” Twilight asked the space marine, who sat there, contemplating his existence.
Why did he rip and tear?
Doomguy The Gamer
Princess Luna laid on her bed, her horn glowing a blue aura as she levitated the controller in the air, playing her latest video game. Her sister, Celestia, was far too old to understand what the cool and hip kids play.
Doomguy stepped into the room, watching the younger sister as she played the game. He glanced to her and then to the television. What he saw blew his mind.
He saw himself shooting and ripping and tearing demons in Hell, just like the old days. Without a warning, he snatched the controller from the younger sister and began playing as himself.
“What art thee doing? No, thou art doing it wrong! Press this button.” Luna guided the space marine as he played the video game, until he finally died and fell to the ground. He stared at the game before smashed the television in rage, storming out of the room.
“How did thee die on the lowest difficulty…?”
Doomguy The Party Pooper
“Ooh! Ooh! Doomguy! Try this cupcake!” Everypony gasped as the party pony tried to shove a cupcake into the marine’s mouth. But, it wound up just gliding down his helmet until he wiped it off of his face.
*Silent Protagonist Noises*
We All Saw This Coming
“Haha, no marine can save you now!” Discord exclaimed, laughing maniacally at Celestia and Luna who were starting to turn to stone. However, Discord stopped laughing when he saw the marine standing right there. And for the first time, he said something.
“RIP AND TEAR! RIP AND TEAR YOUR GUTS! YOU'RE HUGE, THAT MEANS THAT YOU HAVE HUGE GUTS!”
Discord cowered in fear until freeing Celestia and Luna vanishing, leaving the three of them. Celestia turned to Doomguy, who was just standing there, staring at them silently.
“Thank you Doomguy, we owe you.”
“Oh, it's no problem, guys.”
The Day He Did Not Rip And Tear
The Day He Did Not Rip And Tear
Doomguy found himself playing the game where he’s playing himself. The blue princess called it ‘Doom’ or something similar, he can't recall. But, he was infatuated with it. It reminded him of when he was killing demons in Hell and ripping and tearing like the good old days. Sure, it didn't look that great, looking something akin to mushed up guts, but it was fun! When he was winning, anyway.
He shot a cyberdemon in the back with his pistol, yet it didn't fall. His persona grunted as he died, signaling the end of his time. Doomguy found himself throwing the controller at the wall, watching it smash into a million pieces, littering the floor with chunks of plastic and electrical wires. He wordlessly picked up another controller out of the gigantic box that sat next to him, filled with an endless supply of cheap controllers that got the job done, and he connected it to the console before pressing play.
As he spawned in, he saw his horrible looking face contort as he was shot up by an imp, and he fired his pistol at the imp and observed as it exploded into a shower of blood and guts. Clearing the rest of the room, Doomguy reloaded and went to continue on when the door to Luna’s room was knocked on, interrupting his session of fun. Grunting to himself, he stood up begrudgingly and stumbled to the door, swinging it open.
In front of him was a familiar guard, Private Solar Eclipse, and she gulped as she slowly gazed upwards at the marine before shakily speaking. “T-There is a d-d-demon in Princess Celestia’s room!” She managed to squeak out as she cowered before him. Doomguy opted to not reply, instead he grabbed his trusty chainsaw and stormed past her, traipsing to the room that belonged to the white princess, Celestia.
Guards that stood in the hallway blanched at the sight of him as he walked past him, audible gulps resounding in the hallway as he passed them, his intent clear in his blank mind; Rip and tear, same as always. The grandiose hallway ended as he came face-to-face with the solar-themed quarters and he grunted as he kicked the door open, the weight and strength of his leg forcing the door to fly off of its hinges. His blood-stained chainsaw revved up and he prepared for the worst.
“Doomguy, please! It is rude to barge in without announcing. But, please, enjoy Lilith and I for some tea, why don't you?” At the mention of Lilith, Doomguy glared at the white mare, her red mane and black bow glimmering in the sun. A red aura surrounding her horn as a tea cup raised itself to her mouth, and she daintily sipped from it. Doomguy knew where that mouth has been, and it is defiling that perfectly designed teacup! His eyes flickered to her cutie mark, a flaming black skull, and he stepped forward.
“Oh, hello! I remember you! Why, I believe your friend Phobos, I believe his name was, once summoned for my services!” Lilith exuberantly recalled, the tips of her mouth curling upwards into a warm smile. Doomguy blanched at what she said, and he grunted disgustedly. He always knew that Phobos was weird, but not that weird! He and Phobos need to have a very long conversation regarding the matter of summoning succubi mares.
“Here. Have a cup of tea. I’m sure that grunting all the time damages your throat, no?” Celestia spoke up, filling another small cup with steaming, hot tea. Smoke bellowed from the full cup and she levitated the cup to Doomguy, who snatched the cup out of her magical grasp and smacked it against his visor, brown liquid cascading down his golden visor. Lilith chuckled awkwardly at the display as Celestia giggled like a small foal. “My, you're clumsy! Have another, just make sure to not spill it this time. It's imported from Zebrica!”
The demon-slayer noticed a pad of paper and a quill, and he approached it. Picking up the quill out of the cup of black ink, he began scrawling out a question on the blank piece of paper, his chainsaw now lying on the coffee table. Blood leaked from the saw and collected into a small puddle on the crystal clear table, trickling down one of the legs onto to the ground. Celestia smiled warmly at Doomguy whilst Lilith stared intently at the puddle of bodily-fluid with an odd glint in her dark violet eyes.
“‘Why is she here?’” Celestia read aloud from the paper that Doomguy wrote on, his arm extended towards her position on the couch and Celestia innocently smiled. “Why, a princess needs company every once in awhile! Is there a problem with that?” Doomguy blinked before he scribbled another question onto to the paper, and he once again shoved the paper in the alicorn’s face.
“‘Why a succubi when there are multiple stallions in the vicinity at all times?’” She stared at the words until her mouth formed a wordless ‘o’ shape before she chuckled playfully. “Not that kind of company, silly! Lilith is a very nice and generous mare, and I find her special talent to be very interesting. It's not everyday where you find a pony whose profession is ru-”
“I think this conversation is getting a little out of control! Doomguy, why don't you, uh, go play a game or something! Yeah, do that!” Lilith suddenly piped up, a frantic look on her face as she waved her hooves around sporadically. Doomguy gazed at her silently before he dropped the paper and smashed the cup of ink against his visor as he retrieved his bloody chainsaw, and went to leave the small room, Celestia giving a short wave as he left the room.
The last thing Lilith and Celestia saw of Doomguy for the room was Doomguy poking his head inside, black ink still dribbling down his visor, and he made a motion with his fingers, pointing from himself to Lilith until he left for real. Celestia coughed as she placed the teacup down and locked the door before she turned to Lilith, a teasing glint in her violet eyes.
“Wanna’ fuck?”
Doomguy The Gambler
Today, the Sun is shining down on the large city of Canterlot, filling the citizens with a familiar warmth. The streets were packed with tourists, traveling performers, royals, and just plain old ponies who reside there in the grandiose metropolis. It was a good day, for most, anyway.
Doomguy sat a round table with four other patrons, cards and chips on the table in front of them. In his gauntleted palms rested a handful of cards, and he glanced between his four challengers from behind his golden visor. Next to all of their chips was a large cup of cider, but Doomguy preferred water.
Right across from him was Princess Celestia, who had a very horrible poker face, which is ironic considering her years of experience. She frantically danced her eyes between the marine and her cards, shaking slightly as beads of sweat gathered at the base of her long, elegant horn. The alicorn tapped her hind leg on the floor beneath her, obviously nervous.
Next to Celestia was the same succubi, Lilith, who's face was neutral as she kept her gaze on Doomguy. Her black bow sat on the table as a bet, and her dark violet eyes occasionally darted to the bow and then back to her cards then to the demon-slayer. She bit her lip, which was barely noticeable, but the soldier picked up on it. It was her tell, after all.
On the other side of Celestia is her younger sister, Princess Luna. The marine had to give it to her, she was difficult to make out, but he found out her tell last game. Her ethereal tail would swish back and forth slowly when she was nervous. She was doing that now as she glanced at the soldier, then back to her tiara that laid on the table. Celestia is better hers as well.
Right next to Luna is a royal guard, a familiar one, Private Dusk. Now, seeing as he was a guard, he was stone-faced. Doomguy hasn't been able to figure out his tell yet, but he will in time. The white pegasus swiped his long, blue mane out of his eyes before he looked at the demon-slayer and then focused on his cards.
It was time.
The four ponies laid there cards on the table for all to see, and Doomguy had to admit, they were pretty good. But not as good as his. Slamming his cards on the table harsly, the four ponies all collectively groaned and moaned, shoving a hoof into their face. Doomguy quickly stood up and slapped the cup of water against his visor, watching it cascade down the length of it.
Suddenly, his favorite band burst through a nearby door and began playing his favorite song. A small group of supermodels, mares sadly, surrounded the demon-slayer and began throwing poker chips, cards, and bits on him as he danced and moved his body in rhythm to the song.
“Am I original?”
“Yeeeeaaahhh!” The crowd around the Backstreet Boys sang, hopping up and down as their music filled the club, reverberating in the small area they were in. Doomguy dropped to the floor and began breakdancing, tripping the supermodel mares around him with his sick moves.
The four losers stood up and stormed out of the club angrily as the demon-slayer stood up, swinging his arms as he neared the stage with the boy band playing their song. The singer extended a hand for Doomguy and he went to grab it when he saw the demomic symbols on his palm.
“Everybody!” They still sang as Doomguy grunted sadly. No, it can't be! The Backstreet Boys can't be demons! It's impossible, the marine thought as he jumped on the stage, still dancing. He spun around and knocked one of the members out as everyone still sang.
“Yeeeeaaahhh! ” The crowd of club-goers continued as all of the singers now lay on the ground, unconscious and with big bruises on their heads. Doomguy sighed as he fell to his knees, holding the main singer in his arms as he started to sob uncontrollably.
Don't gamble kids!
Author's Note
I regret nothing.
View Online
Welcome To Hell's Kitchen; Featuring Doomguy, Lilith, and Gordon Ramsey!
Cackles of the insane and rambling of the demonic entities echoed throughout the large coliseum, which was crumbling and slowly decaying, but for the sake of the plot, it does not go the extra mile and collapses atop its occupants; of which, were hundreds of demons in comfortable, cushioned seats surrounding the circular, stone room which housed three particular individuals which were important and were currently being broadcasted across the entirety of Equestria, Earth, Tartarus, and as well as the author’s personal computer.
“Alright, let's watch this stupid shit.” Clairvoyant, dressed in a shitty pair of jeans and a white shirt, sat down on his broken down recliner and clutched the bowl of popcorn to his chest as he adjusted his body, attempting to position his ass in a way that the protruding spring didn't penetrate his asshole. After fiddling and moving around for many minutes, ultimately spilling his last bowl of popcorn, as well as the last of his food overall, he cursed to himself and clicked on the broadcast.
Princess Celestia, as well as her younger sister and co-ruler Princess Luna, cuddled up next to each other and smiled briefly at the neat and cutesy commercials before the opening of the broadcast ruined their calm demeanor and shattered any hopes or dreams of living a life of innocence and benevolence. Their eyes flickered to the two gigantic words on the screen that instilled fear into any weak-minded individual.
“On this week of Hell’s Kitchen, we have two special guests known as the Doom Slayer, or more commonly known as Doomguy,” Shrieks of fear and anger emanated from the demons and the aforementioned guest raised the middle finger at them before he adjusted his apron and ridiculously tall chef hat, walking to his spot by the host. “As well as Lilith, everyone's favorite succubus, as well as Clairvoyant’s favorite pony to jerk off to!”
“It’s fucking Celestia, you moronic cunts!” Clairvoyant screamed at the television, his body in motion way too long, causing the spring to rip through his dusty jeans and tear straight into his asshole.
“And don't forget our host, Gordon Ramsey!” The announcer shouted, shrieks of terror and awe erupting from ponies, demons, and humans alike, all of them having a myriad of thoughts concerning the handsome fellow; some wanted to fuck him, some wanted to kill him, but who really gives a shit what you fucking idiots think?! I’ll have you know I graduated the top-
“GET TO WORK, YOU FUCKING DONKEYS!” The master chef shouted at the top of his lungs, forcing the two contestants to clamber to their separate kitchens to start cooking for the audience of demons, ponies, and humans, all of them either laughing loudly at the scene or scolding the blonde beast of love in silent hate; takl shit bout mah husbando, i dare u
Doomguy went to work slicing a tender piece of Beef Wellington, carefully slashing it and chucked it into the frying pan, sparing fleeting looks at the master chef who was currently flirting with a cacodemon who was wearing eye-liner, fishnet stockings on its non-existent legs, as well as black lipstick and a Linkin Park T-shirt. Ignoring the ugly creature, he quickly placed the cooked meat on the ready-to-go counter.
“IT’S FUCKING RAW, YOU FACELESS MULE!” Gordon ripped apart the undercooked Beef Wellington and presented it to the sweating Doom Slayer, who was bubbling sorry excuses inside of his head to the chef. “DO YOU KNOW THE FUCKING DIFFERENCE BETWEEN RAW AND COOKED! GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FACE, FUCKING USELESS PIECE OF SHIT!” Nodding his head profusely, Doomguy hurried back to his station and started once again on another Beef Wellington, paying extra attention to it.
After many hours of screaming and hovering by Gordon directed at Doomguy, the marine grunted in annoyance as he laid a hand on his chainsaw. “IT’S! FUCKING! RAW!” The soldier revved up his chainsaw and sliced the man in half, bits of Gordon Ramsey’s many body parts and bodily fluids exploding onto him. Wiping his helmet’s forehead to rid of any sweat, he sighed in relief.
But… What if Gordon was not kill?
Suddenly, Gordon Ramsey appeared in front of Doomguy, with some attachments and extra protrusions. Six-hundred and sixty-six horns laid on top of Demon Ramsey’s head, as well as growing six pairs of bat wings and sixty-six rows of vampire teeth. Doomguy gulped as the upgraded and improved Gordon Ramsey towered over him.
“YOU ARE AN ABSOLUTE FUCKING DONKEY, DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT AS LONG AS THERE IS RAW FOOD AND DONKEYS IN THIS UNIVERSE, I WILL LIVE FOREVER?!”
“NOW GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY KITCHEN!”
* * *
Sitting in his chair, Clairvoyant sighed and flexed his fingers as he finished the newest chapter of a story he still considers his magnus opus, and he lit up a cigarette as he checked FimFiction for the fifteenth time that day.
On the screen, in the notifications tab, laid dozens of notifications, all of them detailing favorites, likes, and comments.
“What the fuck? People still remember me?”
The Last Chapter... Seriously
"Order in the court!" screamed a small horse in a judge outfit. He was small, so much in fact that they had to order a special chair just for his own, unique size. The Judge glared angrily at the figure sitting in front of him, who glanced around nonchalantly and scoffed at a few of the ponies in the courtroom. The man whispered to his defense attorney, who was none other than Doomguy, the slayer of demons and one of the few people in Equestria who can actually create a proper omelet.
"Mister Clairvoyant, is it true that you haven't written anything with actual effort since October of last year?" The Judge inquired, even though it breaks protocol of the actual court system. The accused man laid back in his chair, sighing deeply and thoughtfully; for he knew that this wasn't going to end the way he wanted.
"Well, I mean, I wrote some stuff recently," Said the lazy human, who pulled out his hand and started counting his fingers. "Uh, there's Blown Out Of Proportion , I just updated The Unending Days Of The Curse . Those are good, right?" He asked pleadingly.
There was a moment of silence before the entire courtroom decided to answer his question. A large, collective: "No!"
A disheveled, younger stallion stood upwards and pointed angrily at the human. "You're a phony! A big, fat phony!"
Another pony, this time a decently attractive mare, jumped out of her seat. "All you do is ride off the success of Rip And Tear ! And you did it with A Flurry Of Paradise too!" She yelled, everyone else joining her with voicing their hatred.
Judge Shortstop, as Clairvoyant named him, slammed his gavel (Oh boy, good things are-a coming) and shouted; "Order in the court this instant!"
Clairvoyant mumbled to himself, "Geez, a guy goes through a huge writer's block and ya' crucify him..."
Settling his gay and flamboyant mane, Judge Shortstop looked down at the man. "Regardless of ponies' opinions, it all falls in the jury's hooves." He said, waving his filed hoof over to the jury.
A black and red Alicorn OC with the world's biggest ego stood up and laid down their decision. "We find Clairvoyant guilty in all charges."
The man in question asked himself a question, "What the fuck are the charges, anyway?"
"Mister Clairvoyant, you are sentenced to 999,999,999 years in prison." Judge Shortstop announced, which caused the human to stand up with a large wand-like object in his hand.
"No! Have you so easily forgotten? I'm the writer here, you don't make the story. Hell, this is a story itself," He waved his wand to Judge Shortstop and smiled. "For instance, you're now the most ugliest motherfucker in the face of the universe."
Everyone gasped at the horrific sight bestowed before them. Ponies started yelling, screaming at the pain of the sight. It threw everyone into a fit of agony, gauging out their eyes. Doomguy suddenly ripped himself from his seat and began mutilating the various races in the courtroom, throwing it into a state of pure chaos.
Clairvoyant burst out of his seat and hastily drew a shitty Mickey Mouse head. "I'm Clairvoyant and welcome to the Disney Channel!"
* * * * * *
Princess Twilight hummed in thought, tapping her chin gently with her hoof. She glared at the machine before her with a glint of curiosity and, somewhat wonder. The true origins of the mysterious contraption lying in front of her eludes her, as much as she prodded it and researched, but she just can't quite pinpoint what the machinery's purpose is. Ripping her eyes away from the technical object, she glanced over to her partner in crime; Doomguy.
He who was face first in a book lamely titled 'How To Speak Fluent English', of which he has no clue how this sort of literature was found in this land of ponies that speak an entirely different language; so to speak.
"Find anything useful in there?" She inquired, to which he shook his head before discarding the book onto the crystal floor. A nearby janitor, who just so happens to be Flash Sentry who was demoted after the shitshow that was Equestria Girls , grumbled angrily before picking up the book and carrying on with his miserable existence.
"Hmm. Hold on." Powering up her horn, she grabbed a book from a nearby bookshelf and flew it over to the disgruntled man, who snatched out of her magic field. "That's 'How To Speak Fluent Equestrian'." She mentioned, watching passively as Doomguy opened up the book and began reading. A moment of silence took place before he magically pulled out his previous book out of absolutely nowhere and compared the two similar books. "What's wrong? Missing page? Crudely drawn penis?"
Picking up his trusty notebook and pen, he wrote down a simple sentence and presented it to the young princess. 'They're both the exact same', it read.
Stealing the books and dropping them into a nearby trashcan, Twilight grimaced. "Well, that's just plain lazy." Doomguy agreed with a single nod, standing up. Grabbing his notebook, he wrote down a question for the equine.
'Figure out what this is yet?'
Walking over to the machine in question, Twilight slowly shook her head. "No, not yet. Even after all this time, it's true purpose is hidden. Right now, it's just a bucket of bolts." She punctuated her point with a slight kick to the object, which was totally not a good idea.
Suddenly, the machine roared to life, blinding lights emanating from its silver chassis. Wires which rival a snake's grip burst from various tubes and wrapped themselves around the confused and disoriented duo. They thrashed around in their grasp, but to no prevail. Twilight screamed as the two were swallowed by a blinding white light and then silence. Two lonely words showed up on the monitor of the machine; two words that stand the test of time.
Git. Gud.
* * * * * *
Princess Celestia glanced to the stone statue in the garden, a frown forming on her muzzle. Gazing through one of the stained windows in her castle, she took notice of the several cracks swirling around the foundation. The horrified look on the statue's complexion seemed to curl into a sneering smirk, although she blamed it on her not getting enough sleep.
She knew that the one thousand year banishment was soon coming to an end, and that her land would once again be plagued by his chaos. As he once so eloquently put; "Hahahah!" The last time she banished him was a necessity to assure the safety of her subjects, but now he's going to want revenge.
Her sister left to clean up the throne rooms after their prank war , as she was the one to start it. While it was a valiant battle, Princess Celestia is still finding pieces of cake in her mane and tail. Which is something that eludes, as her mane is ethereal.
Scanning around the garden, she noticed a group of fillies and colts being led by a teacher. Miss Cheerilee, is she recalls from one of Twilight's letters. Three fillies kept fighting near the statue until Miss Cheerilee caught on and reprimanded them.
Princess Celestia gasped when she saw the statue's eye move. It is him waking up, then. She sighed loudly as she trotted to the Elements of Harmony chamber, her trot soon evolving into a gallop as she skid to a halt in front of it.
Suddenly, Princess Twilight Sparkle and cheeky Doomguy dropped to the floor from a wormhole near the ceiling, causing no noise, despite plummeting from a great height. Coming to, they witnessed Princess Celestia violently thrusting her horn inside of a hole in the wall, seeming like she was enjoying it. They sat and watched as she moaned and hollered from her impromptu pleasure session. Doomguy glanced around, wondering why no one is around, even though this massive castle is usually packed, day and night.
Breaking the silence, Twilight stepped forward. "Uh, Princess Celestia?" She asked shyly, trying not to glance at her former mentor's privates .
The large, clearly pent up mare stumbled away from the chamber and turned around with a beet red face, and a sheepish smile. "Oh, why hello there Twilight... with wings. And my mail order demon slayer." She however remained silent when another Doomguy appeared, flashing all of the Elements of Harmony. He, too, stopped in his tracks when he noticed the other marine standing a few feet away from each other.
Both of them faced each other, staring at each other silently... as usual. Doomguy raised his arm and the other followed suit, mirroring the others' movements. One moved, the other moved as well. Before Twilight and Celestia knew it, both of them were pelvic thrusting in perfect sync.
As the pair of Doomguys began dabbing and copying horrible memes, Princess Celestia looked to the different Twilight. "I assume this is some kind of time-travel spell?" She inquired with a raised eyebrow. Twilight shook her head, turning to look at Doomguys.
"Not quite. Instead, I was tampering with a machine in which I had little knowledge about. One thing lead to another and, well... This happened." She stated, pointing to herself and Doomguy, who was playing patty cake with his former self. "Sometimes I feel like my life is just one big story, in which people continuously change the status quo and throw me into situations such as this."
"Yup, that's just the way it is, sorry fam." A booming voice declared, but quickly silenced, confusing everyone in the corridor.
"Okay... Anyway, I have no clue how to return Doomguy and I to our own time, at least in a practical way." Twilight mentioned, walking over to one of the windows. Glancing around, she noticed the statue of Discord, and the various cracks littered around the stone. "Hmm, it seems like we're around the time Discord broke free." Thinking to herself, her mind was flooded with ideas and theories, and she quickly came up with a solution.
Smirking, she turned to Princess Celestia and Doomguy one and two. "Grab the Elements of Harmony and follow me, I know what we need to do!"
* * * * * *
Doomguy One and Two both swung a baseball bat into Discord's junk, resounding with a satisfying crack! The God of Chaos groaned in agony, nursing his bruised and beaten sack, cursing to himself. "Hahahah, do you really thin-" He was interrupted by a mean right hook to the jaw, knocking one of his teeth out of his mangled muzzle. The two Doomguys continued beating him ruthlessly until he was in the fetal position, Doomguy One teabagging his face whilst the other placed Legos on the ground around him, making sure he doesn't move.
"Okay, okay! I'll do your bidding , Twilight. Geez, you ponies and humans have no concept of fun..." Discord stated, the two Doomguys stepping away from the beaten God.
Twilight stepped forward, gripping Discord by his disheveled chest hair. "We need you to send me and Doomguy One back to our own time." She declared, pointing to herself and Future Doomguy.
"Time travel? Even I don't mess with that cesspool, dear Twilight." Discord joked, and he was met with the two Doomguys stepping forward. "Fine, I'll do it. As long as I don't get beat up by the other one."
"Oh, you're still gonna' get your ass kicked." Princess Celestia spit, a sinister smile on her muzzle.
"... Fine. Hold still." Discord snapped his fingers, Twilight and Doomguy being whisked away at an instant. That left one more Doomguy who cracked his knuckles viciously. "Please have mercy... I'm a virgin..."
* * * * * *
Princess Twilight and Doomguy appeared in the same room as before, the machine still there, as if it was never touched. Sighing in relief, she turned to Doomguy who had his notebook flipped to a single page, with two solitary words.
'Wrong Guy'.
"Son of a bitch."
THE END
Author's Note
Well, here it is. The last ever chapter for Rip And Tear . I apologize for not writing anything good for awhile, so here's something I actually had the will to write.
It's been fun, guys. Thank you all for the support, I love ya'll!
