Chapters The Escapades of Edgelord
Damn, it's been a while, eh? Time to write another bad story! Fuck it, let's start in the middle because why not?
A lot has happened since we last heard about our heroine Elana. Well, to put it bluntly, she dead my nigga. She was killed in a drive-by shooting on ROBLOX, and shortly after killed herself because she couldn't handle the shame. Her killer was none other than the greatest ROBLOXian of all time, and CoC player, TheLegend27.
But who is TheLegend27???
Well, Elana's senpai, Edgelord (she dumped the other one. He was a cuck, you know.) sought out to find TheLegend27 and have him executed for his crimes. Without Elana, there was no one to stop the invasion of the ponies (Yes, this involves MLP, fight me faggot). Celestia's army came in and destroyed all of Donald Trump's forces in one swift blow. Trump tried building a wall, but you can't build a wall around a multi-dimensional portal, and Celestia banished his cheeto lookin' ass to the moon ASAP. Now the ponies were in control, and all the humans were crammed into disgusting ghettos. Americans had complained of Donald Trump being akin to Hitler, boy, they didn't know shit. Celestia was actually Hitler. No bullshit, Hitler was actually reincarnated as Celestia almost immediately after committing suicide. After realizing the potential of his newfound powers, he sought out to find a way back to earth, so he could finish his final solution once and for all. Rather than focus on the jews, however, he decided it was best to just gas all humans. Ponies are the true master race, after all, not white people. Humanity was truly doomed.
Edgelord searched for years and years, but to no avail. No one actually knew who TheLegend27 was. Many thought he was Jason Bourne, but those rumors were quickly abandoned after Jason's ashes were found in one of Celestia's many ovens. Edgelord knew he had to find whoever did this. They needed to be punished. No one thrusts humanity into an everlasting darkness without his consent. NO. ONE.
The search was seemingly hopeless, until finally, one day, Edgelord came across a fat, autistic mongoloid eating some burnt popcorn. He asked if the boy if he knew who TheLegend27 was. The boy replied "Oh, that's me. I'm TheLegend27. I'm the best at CoC."
Edgelord laughed, "You're probably the best at eating cock, kid. Now seriously, do you know who TheLegend27 is?"
The autistic mongoloid got really upset, but you couldn't really tell because he always had this dumbass looking smile on his face, "I'm telling you, I'm TheLegend27! I swear!"
Edgelord was getting kind of heated now, "You better quit playing with me, kid. I know damn well you aren't TheLegend27. He's not some ugly looking, obese mongoloid."
"Dude, I'm TheLegend27. I'm like, really good at bottle flipping!"
Edgelord had had enough, "LISTEN, YOU FUCKING NIGGER, YOU ARE NOT THELEGEND27! IF YOU SAY YOU ARE AGAIN, I SWEAR TO GOD, I WILL SHOOT UP YOUR FUCKING SCHOOL!"
"I killed Elana. She was pretty trash at ROBLOX."
"THAT'S IT, KID! YOU'RE-- Wait, did you say you killed Elana?"
"Yeah, wasn't her username ImReallyMoist?"
Edgelord was shocked. This thing. This fucking obese mongoloid actually was TheLegend27. How could this be? How did this little cunt beat Elana at anything? He looked like he couldn't even walk to the fridge if his life depended on it! "What's your name, kid?" Edgelord asked.
"JD Quan."
Damn, the autism radiating from this kid is enough to knock out a whole ghetto. Edgelord felt uneasy. He was such a savage. He was the edgiest 12 year old on the planet. No one could top his edge. His edgy humor was so edgy it could slit any emo's wrists with ease. But he couldn't bring himself to execute JD Quan. Something about that boy was special. Maybe he was the key to ending Celestia's reign over the Earth. Maybe he could free the world from the oppression of the putrid ponies.
"Come with me, faggot, I got some work for you."
"Can I finish my popcorn first?" JD Quan said innocently.
"Bitch, that shit's burnt."
"But there's like 5 good pieces in here."
"Nigga shut yo goofy lookin' ass up. Come on."
And with that, the two ran off into the sunset. A war was coming, and they were gonna be on the right side of it.
Later...
"Hey, that's pretty good."
That was the last thing JD Quan said before Edgelord knocked his fuck-ass out. The whole damn trip he kept on repeating the same shitty memes he found on his phone. It was not good. Sadly though, Edgelord wasn't able to carry JD Quan. It was a combination of JD Quan's morbid obesity and the fact that Edgelord had lost so much blood from cutting himself that he was unable to fully function as a human being. Again. Not good.
Edgelord needed to find some way to carry this fat bitch all the way back to Raphael DeLaGheto Ghetto. But how could he do it? There's no one alive that could possibly attempt to lift him, let alone carry him 30 miles to a ghetto. He needed to assemble a team. But who would find? Conveniently enough, a crazy black man with a Pikachu hat came running out of the woods next to them.
"Hu-hu-hu-HEY LITTLE CHILDREN! WHO WANTS TO KILL ME?!"
"What the fuck?" Edgelord was aroused. He really liked that BBC, you smell me? He got a little flirtatious, "What's your name, hot stuff?" He tried to sound sexy, but that shit was really, really fucking cringe. Even JD Quan noticed it, and that nigga was sleep.
"I'M NIGGERCHU! PLEASE KILL ME! END MY FUCKING LIFE!"
"Why?" asked Edgelord.
"Because I'm black, and niggers don't kill themselves. That's some white people shit. Niggers just kill each other, you know?"
"TRUUUUUU" everyone in the area said in unison.
Except, them niggas was ponies. Niggerchu don't fuck wit no ponies. He killed all them bitches on the spot because he was carrying a gun, because all black people carry guns and use them to kill other black people, except in this case Niggerchu was killing ponies, not black people. After Niggerchu killed most of the ponies in the area, he went up to one of the many corpses, and fuck it in the ass. He raped that bitch. Even though the pony was dead, you could very clearly see fresh tears streaming down its face.
"Why can't you do that to me, asshole?" Edgelord was getting heated. Not in a sexual way. In that teen bullshit slang type of way. You don't want to be around Edgelord when he's heated. When he gets heated, it only takes one tiny thing to get him TRIGGERED. And being triggered is not good. Niggas die when that shit happen, bro.
"So can you please end my suffering?" Niggerchu was getting impatient.
"I will if you fuck my asshole."
"I'm not gay."
"If you want to die, you're gonna have to fuck my tight asshole."
"Ok."
So Niggerchu pulled his pants down and revealed his penis. It was arguably the biggest, baddest, fucking worst disappointment of all time. That nigga had a micropenis. That shit was barely two inches.
"I see why you want to die so badly." Edgelord said.
Edgelord was thinking about leaving, but then realized he could actually use this shrimp dick nigger. He was really good at killing ponies and shit. Hell, maybe he could carry that tub of lard to Raphael DeLaGheto Ghetto. Wait, where the fuck was that tub of lard, anyway? They both looked around, trying to find the fat, little faggot. Where could he have gone so quickly? He's so fat, there's no way he could've possibly lifted himself up on his own. Oh wait, never mind. He was trying and failing miserably to make another bag popcorn. Yet again, Edgelord couldn't help but feel bad for the little mongoloid. He was so autistic. So damn autistic. Makes me cry just typing about it. The little nigga needs some milk. Bad. Niggerchu knew this so he pulled out his black titties, and made JD Quan suck on them. It was pretty hot. Shit, I might've nutted a little bit after writing that.
Nope, I nutted a lot.
Anyway, after JD Quan got some niggermilk from Niggerchu, the three took off back to Raphael DeLaGheto Ghetto. They had some more work to do.
Random Flashback...
Taking over the world was far easier than Celestia anticipated. For one thing, despite being extremely hostile towards humans and threatening war, most of the world refused to attack her forces, actually, most of Europe seemed to just let them in with open arms. This decision was made by the EU, because apparently, they thought by letting Celestia's forces into their major cities, she would decide to not attack anybody and simply go home without any violence.
That didn't work out well.
Celestia's forces sacked all the major cities in Europe, killed their leaders, and moved their people into crowded Ghettos where they rioted and killed each other, rather than fight the ponies. When they finished taking over Western Europe, they focused their attention on the East. Russia and China tried nuking the ponies, but Celestia used her magic to detonate the nukes before they even launched. Russia and China were utterly destroyed within a day.
The US was next. Trump proposed building a wall around the portal Celestia used to get here so she couldn't bring in more forces. No one supported the idea, but they did not question it, fearing deportation. The plan failed miserably and the ponies invaded the US, conquering it with ease. Trump was banished to the moon and Celestia claimed full control of the world. With her newfound power, she enacted her final solution. Extermination of the human race. There was one problem with the project, however. Overpopulation.
The world's population had grown quite a bit since Celestia killed herself so long ago. It wouldn't be as easy to exterminate all humans considering there were 7 billion of them. She needed to build a lot of gas chambers if she wanted to have any chance of completing this project. So while they were being built, she forced all the humans into crowded and disgusting Ghettos throughout the world. Again, her project hit another wall. She couldn't keep track of all these Ghettos at once. She needed ponies to supervise them for her.
She got the other princesses, Twilight, Luna, and Cadence, and they decided who would run each Ghetto. Most of the ponies assigned to these positions were diplomats or members of the Royal Guard. This was done for all the Ghettos except for one, the most dangerous Ghetto of them all, Detroit. Rather than pick some lousy diplomat or an autistic guard member, the princesses decided that Rainbow Dash would be the one who would preside over Detroit. They felt she was the best suited for the job. The only pony alive who could handle the workload. Immediately after the decision was made, Twilight went straight to Dash to tell the news.
Dash was not pleased.
Rainbow Dash didn't want to run some shithole full of rabid niggers who did nothing but riot and kill each other. She wanted to be the warden of a prison. She wanted to inflict pain and suffering on any human who dared go against Ponykind. She wanted to work them to death. She wanted to see them starve. She wanted to see them beaten. She wanted to see parents forced to eat their children just to survive. She wanted to see them broken. She wanted to see her victims to lose any will to live.
She was fucked.
She would've rather been a general, but the war was won so easily that it seemed like a foal could lead a single battalion into battle and defeat an entire army of humans. Still, that would've beaten working in a musty office counting up how many niggers died everyday.
"Another dead nigger in the street." She mumbled to herself.
Twilight tried time and time again to console her friend, her lover. She tried to convince her that it was an honor to have the position, that the princesses only trusted her with the job. She said Dash should be grateful that she was picked to run this Ghetto over everyone else.
When that didn't work, she turned to sexual favors. Twilight didn't like a seeing one of her friends upset, especially if it was her doing.
"Another dead nigger in the street." She mumbled to herself.
It was all in vain. She just couldn't cheer Dash up, and she knew Celestia, would go insane if she found out Dash wasn't happy about her position. If there was one thing Celestia hated, it was an ungrateful pony. Twilight didn't want Celestia to do something horrible to her friend, especially over something as minor as this.
But she just couldn't get Dash to cheer up. Dash continued to mope around, and complain about how bullshit the job was. Dash even went as far as to say she could run this world better than Celestia could even imagine. Dash generally did this when she was drunk. She had started drinking far more than normal after she was assigned to the position. Twilight always made sure to keep Rainbow Dash from other ponies when she got like that. Saying shit like that is considered blasphemous under Equestrian law.
"Another dead nigger in street." She mumbled to herself.
Rainbow Dash's depression seemed to get worse with each passing day. Just like the city she presided over, there didn't seem to be any hope. Any form of escape. Just like the city, she used to be great. Just like the city, bad politics ruined her. Just like the city, she was a hollow shell of her former self. She couldn't continue to live like this. She didn't want to be like Detroit. She had to get out.
"Another dead nigger in the street." She mumbled to herself.
Rainbow Dash knew it was only a matter of time before she gave up and committed suicide. She also knew she couldn't do this on her own. She needed a friend to go with her. A friend who would have her back. But who would be willing to do something do outrageous? Who would be willing to abandon everything they know, just to help a friend?
"Another dead nigger--"
"Hey!"
Dash was cut off by a high pitched, cheery voice. She knew exactly who it was.
"Pinkie? What are you doing here?"
"Just seein' what you were up to, silly! Why are you here anyway? This place is all dark and icky!"
"I'm kind of being depressed right now, Pinkie."
"Why? That sounds silly, Dashie! Let's go have a party or something!"
"Pinkie I'm really not--"
"And what's with this story being all depressing? I thought this was a joke! It's not very funny, if you ask me."
"The fuck are you on about?"
"And why is it about you, anyway?! I thought this was about JD Quan and Edgelord!"
"Who? Pinkie what the fuck are you smoking?"
"The person writing this has to be autistic or something. This story is terrible."
"Pinkie."
"He's definitely a loser at whatever school he goes to. Probably an edgy faggot."
"Pinkie!"
"Honestly who would write something like this? This kid has issu--"
"PINKIE!"
"Huh?"
"Jesus fucking Christ, you--"
"My name isn't Jesus Fucking Christ, Dashie, it's Pinkie Pie!"
"Shut the fuck up, Pinkie."
"Rude..."
"Pinkie, I swear to god--"
"Ok, ok Dashie. Sooorry."
"You think you could do me a favor?"
"What?"
"Could you, uh, help me leave Detroit?"
"But don't you run the place, Dashie?"
"Yeah, but this place fucking sucks. All I do is count dead niggers every day."
"That doesn't seem too bad."
"Pinkie I can barely count to ten without help. These niggers kill each other every five seconds!" As Dash said that, more gunshots were heard outside.
"Another dead nigger in the street." She mumbled to herself.
"Well, why don't you just ask Twilight to help you?"
"Twilight doesn't have time for that shit. Plus she's kind of a cunt."
"Truuuuuue."
"So will you help me out?"
"Sure Dashie. I don't have anything better to do, anyway."
"Awesome, we can leave tomorrow."
"Why not now?"
"Well, shit, I need to get some weapons first."
"I have some in my car."
"You can drive?"
"No. I just like having a car."
"Okay then... Let's go, I guess."
"Great!"
And with that, Pinkie grabbed Rainbow Dash, threw her in her car, and they sped off. As they did, more gunshots rang throughout Detroit, and another nigger lay dead in the street.
"I thought you couldn't drive, Pinkie."
"Oh no, I can't."
"How the fuck?"
"Dashie this chapter his to end at some point!"
"Shut the fuck up, Pinkie."
The Escapades of Edgelord
Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash were getting turnt the fuck up listening to Pink Season when they passed by some humans walking down the highway. Rainbow Dash tried to get Pinkie to hit them, but Pinkie insisted they pass them up, stop and shoot them instead as she didn't want to get blood on her van. They did so, got out, and Pinkie fired a shot at the retards. One of them fell over clutching their leg, as the other two ducked for cover. Rainbow Dash shot at them a few more times, but the three got away before she could actually kill them.
"Can't stand humans." She mumbled to herself.
She got back into the van with Pinkie and they resumed their trip. They didn't really know where the hell they were going, they just knew they were going somewhere and that Celestia would begin hunting after them pretty soon. They had plenty of weapons, so it wasn't like anyone from the guard could arrest them, but if Celestia herself found them, they were fucked. Literally. Celestia would definitely rape them both with her horn. Celestia was really fucked up.
In other news...
Niggerchu, Edgelord, and JD Quan had just arrived at Raphael DeLa Gheto Ghetto. The place was in total ruin. It came as a complete surprise. Pretty much all the Ghettos had their fair share of riots and shootings, but none had fallen apart entirely. What the hell happened?
Well, around two years after Edgelord left in search of TheLegend27, Celestia arrived in the city. She was really upset at Twilight about something (apparently Twilight had gotten into her fanfiction collection). She'd beaten Twilight to a bloody pulp, but for some reason, that didn't quench her anger. She needed kill some people. Let it all out. She went in and cast a spell that set every building in the Ghetto on fire. Next, after everyone cane running out of the buildings, she created a flood of oil with her magic which caused everyone in the streets to burn alive. As she watched all the poor humans burn and burn, she just sat there, eating cake and drinking tea while laughing hysterically.
It was beautiful.
Edgelord, JD Quan, and Niggerchu were driving down the highway when they saw the pink van again. The ponies inside were still blasting their shitty rap music.
Rainbow Dash saw the humans driving behind them in her mirror. She pulled out her gun.
Niggerchu sped up, hoping he could quickly pass the pink van without any problem.
Pinkie Pie saw the car behind her speed up a bit. Rainbow Dash cocked her gun.
Niggerchu got right beside the pink van.
Rainbow Dash fired her gun at the car. The driver slumped forward and the car veered off the road, slamming into a tree.
Niggerchu had lived a shitty life. He was born abnormally depressed. Throughout his childhood he viewed the world around him with contempt. He knew he could never be a normal nigger. Not with a micropenis. He woke up every day with a strong urge to end his life. End his suffering. He wanted to die, but no one would kill him. He was too much of a pussy to do it himself. He knew that. He had never felt true happiness in his life. The closest he ever came to feeling any kind of pleasure was when a Narwhal raped him while he was at an aquarium. Niggerchu was only 9 at the time, on a field trip with all his nigger friends when he fell into the tank with a horny Narwhal. This Narwhal could talk, however, it only knew one phrase, "Shake dat little boi pussy."
That's all Niggerchu remembered it saying as it shoved its sharp horn into his rectum, tearing open his insides, nearly killing him. Niggerchu remembered the feeling of the Narwhal playing with his micropenis as it penetrated him. Fucked him. Niggerchu was cumming. This was a good kind of pain. The best kind of pain. The only pain that made Niggerchu truly happy.
Niggerchu was slumped over the wheel. He was dying. He was finally dying. His life of suffering was finally coming to an end. Tears of joy welled up in his eyes as he realized that it wouldn't be much longer before everything went black. Not much longer until everything was over. Niggerchu could feel a smile growing on his face. A smile, something he hasn't felt since he was 9. Since the Narwhal raped his cute little boi pussy. Niggerchu closed his eyes. It was all over now.
"Fucking pests." Rainbow Dash mumbled.
"That was a good shot, Dashie!"
"You know it! I'm the best shot in all of Equestria, remember?"
"Yeah, that's true."
"I'm so good at everything. Seeing those humans die makes me so fucking horny."
Dash's wings suddenly spread open. Pinkie almost swerved off the road, she was so surprised.
"Dang Dashie! You're getting a little too.. WINGY. HAH GET IT?"
"Kill yourself, Pinkie."
Meanwhile...
JD Quan and Edgelord continued walking down the long highway. The death of Niggerchu didn't really bother them because Niggerchu was a faggot and wanted to die anyway so he basically got what he wanted so why should anyone give a fuck, he was a terrible character anyway fuck him.
They needed to find another car so they could drive around to different places and find some weapons to defeat Princess Celestia. Of course, Edgelord knew deep down that this was hopeless. Miracles aren't real, and even if they were, it would take about 50 of them if they wanted even a slight chance of surviving 5 seconds against Celestia in a battle. They were just two autistic losers walking down a fucking highway. They needed someone who was actually useful. Someone who could do more than just eat burnt popcorn and play Clash of Clans. Someone who didn't cut themselves for attention. Someone who wasn't always trying to be edgy.
They found someone who was none of that.
As they were walking down the highway they came across a scrawny white kid wearing a Sword Art Online T-shirt. He sitting on the ground watching anime on his phone. Edgelord knew exactly what it was. He had dealt with plenty of weeaboos in his lifetime. Usually when he found one, he would just tell it to kill itself and that anime was trash. It would always lead to a two day argument that ultimately ended in someone getting blocked online, because people simply can't have different opinions on anything, and everyone who doesn't think the sane as you is an idiot. Edgelord went up to the weeaboo and told him to commit suicide. The weeaboo responded, "That's harassment. I'm reporting you to the meme police."
"Eat a dick." Said Edgelord.
"I'll eat your dick." The weeaboo replied.
Edgelord was taken aback by this comment. Was that a threat? An insult? What was the intent? He just admitted that he's willing to eat cock. Shit made no sense.
JD Quan spoke up, "Hey do you want to come with us to defeat Celestia?"
"Sure, why not?"
"No, fuck that." Edgelord interjected, "I don't fucks wit no weeaboos."
"I'm not just some weeaboo, faggot, I'm Weeaboo Jones. The biggest weeaboo of all the weeaboos. I learned Japanese from watching tons of Hentai."
"Ok, first of all, there's no possible way you could've learned Japanese from watching anime in general, let alone just Hentai. Secondly, if you did, then that's fucked and you really do need to fucking hang yourself."
Weeaboo Jones promptly said something in Japanese. Very poor Japanese. Edgelord looked at him in disgust, "Kill yourself already, holy shit."
"No, fuck you."
Things were getting heated. JD Quan could clearly see that. Rather than diffuse the situation, however, the retard just pulled out a can of soup and started slurping on whatever the fuck was in there.
Edgelord and Weeaboo Jones stopped arguing and looked at him.
"The fuck is wrong with him?" Asked Weeaboo Jones.
"I think he has down syndrome. And autism. And brain damage." Edgelord replied.
"They're all basically the same thing, you know?"
"Whatever. You seem like you're better than he is by a mile. You can come along with us if you want."
"Sounds like a plan."
JD Quan just kept sucking on his soup like a damn dog.
Meanwhile...
Celestia returned to her evil headquarters to get Twilight. Unfortunately, she had beaten up on Twilight a little bit too much this time around and ber body was too badly broken for magic to repair. Celestia got pretty upset after hearing this news, not at herself for beating up Twilight so badly, but at Twilight for being too much of a pussy to just take the beating like a stallion and move on. Celestia went to where Twilight was being treated. The purple mare looked so peaceful as she lay still in the hospital bed. Celestia stood quietly by the bed, looking at Twilight as she slept. Then she punched her in the gut. Twilight shot up like a rocket, clutching her gut and gasping for air. Celestia slapped Twilight in the face. Twilight started crying, then made unintelligible noise.
"What?"
Fluttershy tapped Celestia on her back, "You shattered her jaw, Princess. She can't speak."
"Are you serious? For fuck's sake, Twilight quit being a fucking pussy for once in your life. Come on, we have to go find Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie."
Twilight made more unintelligible noise.
"Princess, she can't walk. You broke her back."
"So? Give her a wheelchair or something!"
"Sorry, Princess, that's a no-go. She's suffering from severe brain damage as well. She suffered 20 concussions. You also cracked open her skull in 5 different places."
"This is fucking bullshit! I swear I'm gonna beat the shit out of Twilight when she gets out of this place."
"Princess, she can't sustain another beating. She'll die for sure. She shouldn't have survived this one, actually."
"Well shit, I need somepony to go with me."
"No, you need somepony to use as a punching bag when you get mad."
Celestia paused, "You think you're funny, don't you, Fluttershy?"
"No, not really. I just think it's wrong of you to beat up on Twilight when you get upset."
"I see you've gotten more assertive."
"Oh really? Thank you, Princess. I've been trying my hardest lately to--"
"You seem assertive enough to come with me."
"What? Why?"
"Like I said, I need somepony to come with me. You seem like the perfect candidate."
"B-but I don't want to!"
"Fluttershy, it'll be easier for both of us if you just suck it up and come with me."
"But--"
"Fluttershy, I could kill you right now if I wanted to, but I'm giving you a chance here."
"Okay fine."
"Great!"
Celestia and Fluttershy left the room. Twilight just lay in her bed, sobbing. The princess had just dumped her. Why did she have to be so weak? Why couldn't she just take Celestia's beatings like a stallion?
Now she had lost the two ponies who mattered most to her in the same week. If she were able to get out of the hospital bed, she would've jumped out the window and ended it all. Life was no longer worth living anymore.
God had abandoned Twilight as well.
Meanwhile...
Fluttershy walked with Celestia down the road. It had only been a few days since they took off after Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie, and the two were already in love. This wasn't why Celestia forced Fluttershy to go with her. She was actually going to use her as a punching bag, but Fluttershy was so much better than Twilight in every way. She was kind, quiet, never questioned anything Celestia did, and holy shit she was amazing in bed. Fluttershy knew exactly how to please a mare. Celestia would've never guessed that Fluttershy of all ponies ate pussy like a professional. Celestia wondered why she hadn't taken Fluttershy under her wing sooner.
The only thing Celestia didn't like about Fluttershy was the fact that she was extremely against violence of any kind. She didn't approve of Celestia killing people like she did, but she didn't say anything about it. Fluttershy wasn't necessarily afraid of Celestia, not anymore. She just didn't like arguing with ponies, especially those she loved.
The two continued walking down the road when they came across three losers. Two of them were yelling at each other, the other was sitting on the ground eating soup. Celestia's horn lit up as she prepared to annihilate them. Just as she was about to kill the idiots, Fluttershy stopped her. Celestia was surprised, and yelled at Fluttershy, "Why'd you do that?"
"Because, um..."
Fluttershy knew why she stopped Celestia. Seeing her kill innocent people broke her heart. She didn't want to be in love with a cold hearted killer. But she knew Celestia wouldn't accept that for an answer. She had to think fast.
"Maybe they know where Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash are." She said quickly.
"Hmm, maybe you're right."
The two ponies walked over to the three idiots. They stopped arguing when then saw her. They were paralyzed with fear. Celestia was a lot bigger in person.
Celestia's voice echoed as she spoke to them, "Salutations, faggots. I see you're all pretty terrified. You should be."
The three continued to stare quietly. They were shaking. Celestia continued, "You should consider yourselves lucky. If it weren't for Fluttershy over here, you would be ashes right now. You should thank her."
The three just stared at her like dumb children. "I said thank her." Celestia growled.
The three started quickly thanking Fluttershy. She blushed. She didn't like having any attention directed at her. "It's not that big a deal." She said quietly.
After about a minute of hurried thank yous, Celestia yelled at the three to shut up. The three complied immediately. "So, have any of you degenerates seen a cyan pegasus and pink earth pony?"
The three degenerates nodded their heads. One of them spoke up, "Yeah, one of them shot me. Then they crashed our car and killed one of our, uh, acquaintances."
Edgelord had too much pride to admit he was friends with a suicidal nigger.
Celestia grinned, "Did you see where they went?"
"Down this road here. I have no idea where they were headed."
Celestia smiled at the three, "Thank you. Your help is much appreciated."
"C-can we go now? Or are you still gonna kill us?"
Out of nowhere, Weeaboo Jones exploded into a cloud of blood and guts. Edgelord fell on his back. He looked over for JD Quan, only to see him levitating in the air, surrounded by a cloud of magic. Then, poof, he was gone. Most likely banished somewhere. Edgelord looked up to see Celestia staring down at him. She had a nice little smile on her face. It was such a pretty smile. If you saw it, you wouldn't believe that the pony wearing it was a killer. Edgelord admired that smile. It was all he could do to reassure himself about what was about to happen. He could die happy, knowing that Celestia's beautiful smile was the last thing he ever saw.
Suddenly, there was a loud gunshot and Celestia stumbled backwards. Then a black blur kicked her, knocking her on her back. Celestia shot a beam of magic at it, but the blur was too quick. It picked up Edgelord and took off before Celestia could kill it.
"What the hell was that thing?!" Celestia yelled.
"I have no idea..." Fluttershy mumbled.
The black blur disappeared into the sunset.
Edgelord had passed out from utter shock after whatever the fuck just happened. He looked up to see someone in a black mask looking down at him.
"Are you from ISIS? Is my head getting cut off?" Edgelord was still a little woozy.
"What? Wait, crap." The mysterious figure said in a feminine voice.
She took off the mask.
Edgelord couldn't believe his eyes. No, it couldn't be. There was no way. She killed herself. She was gone. She was dead.
"Elana?"
Shit was getting too real.
Shit, I can't take it anymore. This fucking sucks. Jesus Christ...
Oh, didn't see you there. Narrator here. I need to explain some shit to you niggas. I'll just be honest here, I can't stand this. You need to understand that this is basically a parody of real people I know. Every character (except for the ponies) is based on someone I know in real life. Let me tell you something, I lack the creativity to write these assholes. I just can't do it. You need to realize that it's really, really fucking hard to write this kind of bullshit about people you actually know. Especially when these people are going to read this shit, and talk to you about it. There was one part in this story where JD Quan sucks milk out of Niggerchu's nipples. This might be funny for you, but for me... holy shit. That is one of my friends sucking the milk out of the nipples of another friend of mine. I can't even read that shit without cringing into to a ball. I feel pain reading that bullshit. I just can't do it. It's so much easier to write ponies because they can basically be anything. I can have them do whatever the fuck I like no problem.
The main problem with writing about your fag ass friends is that all the jokes you make about them are inside jokes and require you to know them personally if you want to get the full context of the jokes. And there's only like 5 jokes you can possibly make about each one at most.
This was supposed to be about JD Quan, but I can't write his character. He's so fucking retarded in real life that I simply can't put his actions and personality accurately into words. I felt the strong urge to kill him off because he's such a shitty character and has no reason to exist. He's completely and utterly worthless in every way, shape, and form. I killed off Weeaboo Jones because he only existed for one shitty joke. I'm getting tired of writing this piece of shit anyway. I'm fucking done. I quit.
"You can't do that, you know?"
... The fuck?
"You can't make an entire story based on in-jokes. The moderators won't allow for it."
Nigga do you think I care? Whatever, how the fuck are you--
"Do you want the story on FiMFiction or not?"
Pinkie Pie how the fuck are you even--
"Just cut this part out. Stop being a pussy!"
Don't call me a puss--
"You're a terrible writer, by the way."
Fuck off. This isn't supposed to be good.
"That's what you keep telling yourself."
No, it's really not suppos--
"This is terrible, even for my standards."
Pinkie Pie, I could easily kill you off too, you know?
"You won't though."
Why not?
"'Cause you love me."
Yeah, no, I'm gonna write your death scene now.
"No you're not. You're just gonna fap to me as usual."
Yeah, no, I'll pass.
"No, you won't just pass."
Pinkie proceeded to get sta--
"You wouldn't kill me off. You love me."
No I fucking don't. Fuck off. Now where was I?
"You wouldn't kill off the pony you fap to every night, now would you?"
The fuck? I don't do tha--
"You have a Dropbox full of pony porn. The picture of me is your favorite."
I don't know what you're talking about.
"It's a pic of me squeezing my giant tits together with a dick in between them."
How the fuck do you know that?
"I know everything, silly. Like the fact that you're a giant pussy and a waste of life."
W-well it's not that bad.
"It really is. How pathetic of human being do you have to be to jack off to pictures of pony porn?"
Hey come on.
"Seriously. You need to get help. You're a messed up person. Your life is definitive evidence that God has abandoned us all."
...
"You need some help. A lot of help. You have some severe issues that need to be worked out. Did your dad beat you as a child or something? Maybe you should see a therapist."
...
"I mean, come on, you're writing a fan fiction on Wattpad. Do you not see how pathetic you are? Your life is a joke. I can't even joke about this, it's so sad. You should seriously see a therapist. I know one in Ponyville tha--"
*gunshot*
... Mr. Narrator?
...
Narrator? Aw man, he killed himself. I wasn't trying to be mean. He must've been pretty sad. Now who's gonna narrate this story?
... Oh wait, I'm the only pony who can break the 4th wall. Welp, guess I'm the narrator now! I dunno where to start, though. Oohh I can start off with me and Dashie! Where to start...
Ok, well, me and Dashie were still driving down the highway, playing music in my van. I don't really care much for humans, they're too sad and angry all the time! But they make some good music. I found this album online called Pink Season. Pink Season! I just had to get it. It was made for me. There was some good stuff on there, too. A lot of swear words, but still really good. Dashie liked it too, even though she hates humans. Anyway, we had just killed a few humans chasing after us, at least, that's what it seemed like. They were speeding up to catch us and all. And Dashie got really, really horny. So horny, in fact, that she got a wing boner! I almost went right off the road, it happened so fast. We had a good laugh about it, though. But then Dashie started thanking me. Like a lot. Like a lot a lot. Like a lot a lot a lot a lot. I kept saying it was nothing but she just kept thanking me. It was kinda weird. I had never seen her like that before. I got a little scared, actually, so I pulled the van over and asked her what was wrong. She just looked at me for a second.
Then she did the craziest, most outrageous thing ever! She kissed me! Right on the lips! She grabbed my face and just started trying to eat it! At least, that's what it felt like. She just kept kissing and kissing, then she hopped on top of me!
Then things got a little... ahem.. weird.
I'm not gonna go into detail here. I normally would, but I'm sure Dashie would be pretty upset if I told you people exactly what she did. Honestly, even I think it's a little gross. At least, too gross to talk about here.
Anyway, after we finished... uhh.. having fun.. Yeah. That. After me and Dashie finished and got cleaned up, we continued driving down the highway. Dashie said something about wanting to go to San Francisco or some place in California. Apparently we'd be safe if we went there. For whatever reason, Celestia made California into this thing called a "Safe-space". It's for ponies only, too. Any humans caught there are deported to a concentration camp to be gassed. It's for traitorponies, from was Dashie told me. If a pony were to defect, like we're doing right now, they could just go there and Celestia would leave them alone. It sounds simple, but the boarder is packed to the brim with traps and soldiers. It's nearly impossible to get in. But it's only nearly impossible. If it were impossible impossible then that would be a totally different story, but it's not so everything is fine. Once we get there, we're gonna head straight to Los Angeles and join a gang. Dashie always wanted to be a Crip. I'm not into gang violence, but I hear they throw some huge parties, and you know how much I looooove parties.
So me and Dashie just continued down the highway until-- oh hey! The narrator is still alive! I'm gonna go help him out. Give him some cake. Cake makes everypony feel better! Maybe he'll be able to finish the story! I know I can't.
The Escapades of Edgelord
Well, I tried helping the Narrator out. He shot off a whole chunk of his head! It was all gross and icky! A lot of blood to clean up. But he's okay now. Unfortunately, he can't talk right now, or eat, or walk, or do much of anything, but he can still write! Once my cake gets working in him, he'll be alright. So he'll be able to finish the story, but for now I'm the one who has to tell it. It took a lot of convincing for me to get him to do it. He just kept crying and crying. He tried saying stuff, but it was mostly unintelligible gibberish. I think he's saying feeeeed me, or something. He's kind of fat though, so I don't think he needs the extra food. Anyway, I'm gonna start reading the story now, hope you enjoy!
Kill me. Please end my suff-er-ing?
Wow his handwriting is pretty bad. Not too bad though. Whatever.
I don't want to live anymore.
Wait this isn't the story. Oops! Wrong paper. Ha! I was about to say! That's a pretty bad story! Hold on one second!
Okay, here we go;
Celestia had just gotten up after being knocked on her back by a.. well, she actually had no idea what it was that caused it. It looked like a black blur. Fluttershy was shaking like a madman. She had never seen Celestia get touched in a fight, let alone get knocked on her back! She was in utter shock. What could have caused this?
Celestia shook off all the dust she got on her coat. She looked angry. Celestia was just as surprised as Fluttershy. For so long it seemed like there was nothing in this world that could stop her. Now she had a true threat to her plan. She had to find out what it was that defeated her.
Oh hey! Mr. Narrator is getting up! You feeling better? Did you like my cake?
No, I want to die, honestly. The cake was good, though. Not sure how a cake can heal a gunshot wound to the head, but whatever. I'll take it from here. Get your ass back in the story.
"Okaaay. Aw man. I have these stupid quotation marks following me again!"
Shut up Pinkie.
"Okay. Jeeze, no need to be so rude."
Fucking cunt... I'd still smash, though. Maybe I can write another story of my OC ploughing her pink little asshole.
Oh wait, I don't have an OC...
Now where was I? Oh yeah, Elana and Edgelord had just arrived in some Ghetto called Denver. They were sitting at a bar, talking to each other. Edgelord had so many questions for her. Why did she leave? Where did she go? Why didn't she stop Celestia? How did some autistic fat kid beat her at something?
Elana didn't bother answering any of his questions. She didn't care enough. She didn't lose to JD Quan in anything. Coldenilinia was playing on her ROBLOX account that day, when she got killed in that driveby. And she never even considered suicide. No, she just got bored with kidnapping men to be used as sacrifices, and went off the grid for a while. Went off to yell at some kid who was really good at telling puns. She didn't like that kid. They called him The Pun Master. He was the best at telling puns. His puns were so awful your neck would snap from the cringe. Elana didn't like puns. She tried to beat his ass, but the kid was also really good at building shit like airships and whatnot, so he got away before Elana could noscope him.
Elana gave up after he got away the fifth time. No point in trying anymore. He wasn't worth it. She came back to see that the world had been taken over by ponies.
"I take a break for a couple of years and this is what happens?" She thought to herself.
She really didn't know why she saved Esgelord. The guy was kind of an asshole. And he was pretty irritating to be around when he got mad. He'd always threaten to shoot up a school. It was irritating because Edgelord didn't even own a gun, and even if he did, he'd probably dislocate his shoulder or some shit just from firing it. He was really weak. She probably did it, not to save him, but to get a free shot at that cunt Celestia. Edgelord just happened to be there, though, so she saved him.
Celestia... Elana really didn't like her. She was a huge cunt. She was always killing people over nothing. Elana hates people like that. You have to have a reason for killing someone. You don't just kill a nigga over nothing. But that's what Celestia did. She just gassed humans. Elana knew she could beat her, though. All she needed was 5 minutes and that bitch was dead for sure. Elana just needed a plan.
Elsewhere...
Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash had just finished fucking for the 9th time. Ever since they left Detroit, they had become major lovers. They fucked whenever they had the opportunity. There was a big ass bed in the back of Pinkie's van that they slept in. Honestly, if it weren't for the fact that California was a safe-space, Rainbow Dash would've been fine just riding around the U.S. with Pinkie, killing humans and having sex while listening to Pink Season. That was the life. Dash realized that all she needed was a friend to kill humans with to cure her depression. She was glad Pinkie Pie was the one who came with her. She was awesome.
They were just getting into this Ghetto called Denver, in someplace called Colorado. What a stupid name for a place. Colorado. Pinkie loved saying it though. She thought it sounded hilarious. They were just going to stop for a few nights. Relax a bit. Get some food, and fuck a lot more. That would be nice. Just them two fucking. What a time. Nothing could possibly ruin this.
And nothing did.
In other news...
Celestia called up the guard to give her and Fluttershy a ride to the nearest Ghetto, Denver. She had some dawgs there, some shooters. She'd sick them niggas on those two cunts. She needed a break for now. Normally she'd go in and beat them to a bloody pulp but she wasn't feeling it right now. She just wanted to find a nice hotel and have sweet sex with Fluttershy. Nothing beats that. She didn't feel like killing humans right now.
Another shitty transition...
The doctors came in to check up on Twilight like they always did. To their complete shock, she wasn't there. There was no trace of her. Where could she have gone?
Twilight snuck out the back door of the hospital. She managed to avoid the guards and found a car. Twilight read some books on how to drive a car. She enjoyed the stuff the humans made. Somehow, they spoke a similar language to that of Equestrian, and had an almost identical alphabet. She enjoyed their literature.
She drove out of Celestia's evil capital of the world, Chicago, and took off after Celestia. She was going to find a way to get her back, even if it meant killing Fluttershy.
Elana was walking by herself down the highway. Edgelord was dead. The poor guy got killed by a pony. They were hanging around in the woods, trying to come up with a way to defeat Celestia when Edgelord's head just exploded. Somepony had sniped his ass. Elana quickly quickscoped the pony, but only got a hitmarker. She walked over to the wounded foe and demanded that he tell her where Celestia went. He told her where Celestia went in hopes that he would be spared.
He wasn't.
Elana was off to Denver to defeat a cunt.
Shitty transition...
Celestia and Fluttershy were just arriving in Denver when Celestia pointed out a pink van sitting outside a bar. Fluttershy immediately recognized it. It was Pinkie's van. Celestia teleported to the front window of the building and looked inside. There they were, the two cunts, sitting there kissing and laughing. They were gonna get it now.
Shitty transition...
Twilight somehow mustered the strength to actually teleport herself to Denver. She didn't have time to drive an old, piece of shit car. She needed to get to Celestia. She could barely walk, but after an hour of concentration, she used up every ounce of energy she had to get teleport to Denver. When she arrived, she immediately collapsed to the ground, panting. She was right outside of some bar. She forced herself up and peered inside the window. There she was, Celestia. And she was fighting with... Rainbow Dash? And Pinkie Pie was there, too! And there was the bitch she was really looking for... Fluttershy. Twilight walked into the bar. Everyone inside was dead except for the four ponies fighting. Well, it wasn't really fighting, more Celestia throwing around Rainbow Dash like a ragdoll, but you get the point. Pinkie Pie was just sitting there yelling Worldstar and Fluttershy was crying. Of course Fluttershy was crying, she's a weak bitch. She is totally useless. Why the hell did Celestia dump Twilight for her? Twilight called out Fluttershy, "Hey! Celestia is mine, bitch!"
Fluttershy looked at Twilight in shock, "Twilight? How did you get here? Why aren't you in the hospital?"
"I needed to find Celestia! I have to prove myself to her. I'm better than you by a longshot! She'll realize that after I beat your ass!"
"Twilight, I don't want to fight you."
"I don't care what you want, I'm getting Celestia back!"
With that, Twilight charged at Fluttershy. As she attempted to tackle her, Fluttershy hopped out the way. Twilight crashed into a chair.
"Oh, you want to be like that, don't you? Quit running and fight me!"
"Twilight, I really don't want to fight you."
Twilight didn't listen. She threw a punch at Fluttershy. She missed, badly, then Fluttershy jabbed her in the snout.
"Fuck! You got luck--"
Fluttershy punched her again in the snout. Then again. Then again. Then again. Twilight fell onto her back, barely conscious. Fluttershy hopped on top of Twilight and proceeded to smash her face in. She just kept hitting her and hitting her. After 20 or so punches, she got off of her. Twilight was already rendered unconscious after the 3rd or 4th hit. Fluttershy looked down at Twilight then stomped right on her pussy. That woke her ass up. Fluttershy picked Twilight up, then slammed her ass through a table.
"Don't fuck with me." Fluttershy looked vicious.
Fluttershy turned around to see everyone in the bar staring at her in disbelief. Even Rainbow Dash had woken after being knocked out cold from a chair to the head from Celestia. Fluttershy's face suddenly got red and she tried to hide behind her mane.
"Um, s-sorry?" Fluttershy said nervously.
"Fluttershy.. That was AMAZING! Holy shit! You murdered her ass! I always knew you were a killer! You just didn't want to admit it, did you?" Celestia was really excited.
Rainbow Dash spoke up, "Where'd you learn to fight like that, Fluttershy?"
"Oh, well sometimes I have to wrestle with some of the alligators I take of. And sometimes the bears get a little rowdy and I have to set them straight. You have to step up and be the alpha-pony sometimes."
Pinkie Pie walked over to Twilight. She felt for her pulse.
"Um, girls? I think Twilight's dead."
The four ponies got very quiet for a second as realization set in. Then they all went nuts cheering and partying. It was about time that cunt died. Twilight sucked. They went crazy. Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash started drinking like crazy and Celestia made out with Fluttershy. Everything was great.
After a night of solid partying, the four walked out of the bar laughing.
"You know what? You're all right, Rainbow Dash." said Celestia.
"Really?" Asked Dash in surprise.
"Yeah, if it weren't for you, I wouldn't have beaten Twilight half to death and forced Fluttershy to come with me. Fluttershy is great."
"That's nice to know, princess."
They walked a little ways down the sidewalk when they came across a human girl. She was dressed in all black. She saw the ponies walking towards her. Elana was about to pull out her sniper when Celestia spoke up.
"Chill. We're not gonna do anything. No need to worry. I have an announcement to make."
Celestia flew way up into the sky, and used her magic to project her voice across the world because that's totally how it works.
"Attention humans! I am leaving your planet now. Coming here was a big waste of time and I don't feel like killing you anymore. I was trying to find happiness but I realized that killing you wasn't the answer. All I needed was Fluttershy. Do not think that you will be spared. Rather than gas you degenerates, I am going to hurl the sun at your planet!"
Elana knew she had to stop Celestia. She quickscoped her. All she got was a hitmarker.
"Oh my God..." Elana mumbled to herself.
Celestia teleported herself, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, and Pinkie Pie back to Equestria. Luna abd Cadence also took off while they could, taking the other two members of the Mane Six that I forgot about with them. Elana watched in horror as the sun expanded in the now red sky. She could feel everything getting hotter. As she stared at the ball of fire coming towards her, the buildings and trees around her caught on fire. It was over now. She had lost. She had finally lost. To a pony. She tried to cry but couldn't as the tears evaporated from her face almost immediately. The last thing she saw was a wave a fire engulf the entire city of Denver. The Earth was now a giant pile of ash floating in space. Just like Celestia would've wanted.
6 months later.
Celestia sat with Fluttershy in her castle, drinking tea. It had been 6 months since their adventures on Earth. Since then, her and Fluttershy got married. Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie went back to Ponyville and made a living making pornos. Everything was back to normal, and Equestria had gained trillions in wealth after plundering the Earth its resources. Celestia pecked Fluttershy on the cheek as the two stared out the large window. Suddenly, they heard a strange voice behind them.
"Do you guys happen to have a microwave? I want to make some popcorn."