Chapters “Dear Vinyl,me awake.
Not that I can sleep well anyway. The bed is so large and empty without you there. I always complained about having less room because you’d hog the bed… But now it’s so empty. Now there’s too much room. It’s cold too. I never really thought about how cold it was when I first got in bed, because you were always there to warm me up instantly. I still hold onto those sweet nights that you’d warm me up the “fun way”. Those were the most wonderful moments of my life… Your arms around me… I always feel safe in your arms. I miss you, my sweet. Please hurry back to me and you be safe as well, because I worry about you too.
And… please don’t forget me. I know I’m clingy and you always call me desperate when you are mad, but still l must say it. I am so afraid that you’ll fall out of love with me. There are so many wonderful mares in Manehattan and I wouldn’t blame you if you did. I hope it doesn’t make you mad when you read this. I hope you understand how much I’ve missed you and how hard it’s been for me. My heart says you’d never stop loving me, but my brain keeps telling me that I’m not good enough for you, and that you’ll find someone so much better.
I’m sorry, Vinyl. I should be supportive. I want to tell you how proud I am, because it’s true. I want to tell you how amazing you’ll be and that you’ll be famous because no one could ever be better than you, and that’s true as well. But I have this gaping hole in me and it hurts every instant that I am not distracting myself. Sometimes in the morning I am hurting so deeply that I’ll just sit on the shower floor, sometimes raising my hooves to wash my mane is too exhausting, and sometimes I’ll see the most mundane thing and think of you, and burst into tears. Yesterday at the market I started crying over a pineapple of all things! Then this old mare started crying next to me because she thought I was going to buy the last pineapple. I won’t lie, that cheered me up somewhat.
Please forgive me. Maybe with time I will be the supportive mare you need. Perhaps with time I will love you properly and not be so selfish, but I had to tell you all of this at least once. I had to let know how I miss you and how every day seems longer than the last. I can’t lie to you. I want to be mean and tell you to come home. I want to be so cruel and keep you to myself… But I can’t do it. I can’t say that. I need you happy. Your happiness is what keeps me going. Without seeing that sweet smile every day, I don’t think I could keep going. I stare at your photograph all the time. That’s my little Vinyl fix for the day. You just moved to a different city, you didn’t die or leave me forever; so why do I feel so shattered? Why is my whole life a raw open wound and everything around me is salt, irritating it more and more?
I’m sorry, love. I told you I’d stop feeling sorry for myself. I said I’d be supportive; and I will. I can always write you. So, this is the last letter I’ll write like this. I just had to say it once. Please don’t hate me. Please don’t let my low spirits bring you down. I’m certain you are on the top of the world and I can’t hurt you by….”
Octavia stopped writing. She crumpled up the paper and threw it in the trash alongside a dozen other failed drafts. Her tears had stained the paper anyway so she couldn’t send that one. She looked at the tear-stained parchment in the bin. Vinyl couldn’t know how she was hurting. What kind of marefriend could do that? She had to be strong for Vinyl. Octavia sniffed a little and dried her eyes one more time. She lifted her pencil in her mouth again and carefully began writing.
“Dear Vinyl….” She paused a moment and sighed, then began again.
“My Dear Vinyl,
“BUT THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT I’M DOING!!” Octavia screamed and pounded her hooves on the desk. She grabbed the paper and tore it to shreds, throwing her pencil. Veins pulses in her neck and forelegs as every muscle tensed and her fury at herself blinded her. She tore apart the room, throwing the desk over and ripping her sheets off the bed. The fury depleted itself rapidly and was instantly filled torrents of agonizing sorrow. She sank slowly onto the overturned desk, crying into her ripped sheets; sheets Vinyl had bought when they first moved in together. “Oh Celestia… forgive me...” She sobbed the words quietly, but they echoed through the bare apartment. The lonely cello in the corner still reverberated with the sound of Octavia’s scream, causing the low, ominous droning of cello strings to fill the room. Octavia had very little in the apartment. She was a pony of very few needs, and so when Vinyl had moved and taken all her belongings, she left a lonely, empty apartment behind. Most things Octavia had, were now ruined by were nightly rages. Barely anything was left to damage but the desk and the bed. Most of the kitchen appliances hadn't survived the first week of Vinyl's absence. Octavia cried harder into the sheets that suddenly meant so much to her now that she ruined them. Her heart throbbed more with every breath. Every second of her day was spent with the white mare for the past four years. She worshiped the ground the party pony walked on. Vinyl would get angry at her and would be impatient, but that’s just the sort behavior you expect from geniuses and Vinyl was a genius, there was no doubt about that to Octavia. Octavia herself was a great cellist, but Vinyl, in her eyes, could do no wrong. If Vinyl needed a certain level of patience herself that she couldn’t give, that was okay. Octavia was more patient than most and she could take it. After all, she was short tempered, but not abusive. The DJ gave Octavia everything she desired, right when she wished for it. She lived well because of her. Vinyl Scratch knew how desperate the cellist was and she knew the emotional damage that had caused her to be that way. Although she could reach the end of her fuse because she had a lot of baggage to handle, she took care Octavia. She sympathized with the little foal inside Octavia who had been so abused. Even when she snapped, Vinyl knew how to heal those old wounds and make the world seem brighter… Perhaps that was her true special talent.
The needy grey mare was happy with her DJ, and whatever tradeoffs were required of her were well worth it. She thought on how Vinyl would be so hurt, how Vinyl must surely think she had been moved on, and that not writing was a sign that Octavia didn’t truly love her. She imagined how hurt Vinyl would be to know that the mare she held above all else, had become a violent, bitter, alcoholic in just four short weeks. Octavia’s heart began to spasm with each gasp. She thought of Vinyl coming back, famous and wealthy, and blowing Octavia off. She imagined the white unicorn hating her for never writing, never understanding the agony that the Earth pony had felt, never knowing the weight of the depression that had seized her marefriend. Octavia breathed steadily and raised herself up. She slowly flipped the table into its proper orientation and sat on her bed. She wrapped herself in the two halves of the blanket and picked up another sheet of parchment and, after recovering her pencil from the floor, began to slowly write.
“My Dear Vinyl,
She paused and closed her eyes, trying to stay calm.
“I’ve been unable to write you because…”
She smiled through the tears and started writing slowly, deliberately thinking through every word choice.
“I have been offered first chair in a very prestigious string ensemble. So, you are building your career to make our dreams come true and so am I. I have been so excited to tell you but I had to confirm it was definite beforehand, so I wouldn’t get your hopes up.”
Octavia sniffed and smiled, exhausted. She would tell Vinyl she was replaced in a few weeks and all would be well. No doubt to Vinyl it would be because those hacks wouldn’t know talent if it hit them in the face. Sure, Vinyl would be upset at the imaginary ensemble, but this way she wouldn’t think that Octavia was simply not writing to her. She would chalk it up to Octavia wanting to surprise her and although she would think that it was a poor excuse, it did seem like the sort of thoughtlessness that Octavia regularly showed. The cellist’s smile faded again and her little joy at possibly saving her relationship was gone. Even if Vinyl wasn't upset, she would have to live with lying to the mare she loved, the mare she hoped to marry. Octavia breathed deeply and put it out of her mind for now. She had done this several times; fixing an issue and then getting herself worked up in regret for something she had done to fix it. She had to press forward and she could be punished later. This was too important to put off any longer.
“I picture you, happy behind the mixing table every night as I…” She paused, thought a moment, then continued. “as I fall asleep. I hope life is amazing for you right now, my angel. I just know you are already on your way to a great career in what you love. All I’ve ever wanted are your dreams to come true. Just don’t forget….”
Octavia stopped herself, becoming angry again. She punched her back leg with her foreleg hard. The pain helped her regain some self-control. Sighing with relief from the throbbing in her leg, she concluded the letter.
“about all the little ponies back home, cheering for you. Write to me soon, my gorgeous girl. I will be waiting so impatiently. I miss you. I love you so much.
The cellist closed her eyes as she imagined the days when Vinyl would be her only audience; the days when Vinyl would be the only one who would cherish her beautiful music. Now feeling a little lighter, she sealed the letter, leaning it against the candelabra on her shelf which was currently holding the only light source in the room. She looked at the letter a moment and then nodded. Yes, Vinyl would get the note by the weekend and everything would be all right. She blew out the candles and carefully walked to the doorway in the dark. Grabbing her keys and stuffing them roughly in her mane, she opened the apartment door. Then she glanced back at the letter, which glowed white in the sliver of light streaming into the room. She stared at it for a minute, then closed the door. The apartment safely locked up, and her salvation guaranteed, Octavia went to the nearest bar and got blackout drunk.
Vinyl Scratch stood outside Filly Foolin’ Around, the club where she has recently begun work. It was a bitterly cold night as winter had started to set in. She read the letter again and again, a broad smile on her face.
Vinyl sat on the edge of her seat, swaying slighting and causing her drink to stream down the sides of her glass. At this point in the night and on her fourth drink, even unicorn magic began to get shaky. She laughed hoarsely at Neon’s jokes which were barely registering at this point. Her mind was growing fuzzier by the second. Neon said a stream of words that must have been the beginning of a story or maybe just drunken gibberish, but Vinyl caught one word in it; classical. Her mind was working slow at this point, but she could focus on one thing; her mare back home. Slowly, Vinyl’s face fell and she slouched into the corner of the booth.
Vinyl awoke the next morning with a throbbing head and a very sore nose. It wasn’t remotely the worst hangover she’d ever had, but it was enough of an excuse not to open her eyes. She lay silently for a long time, trying to get back to sleep, but then it suddenly hit her; she was in her bed. Her eyes shot open.
“Hey babe,
Vinyl stopped and thought about what Tavi would say. Knowing her, she was probably already scared that Vinyl would become interested in somepony else. She crossed out the word “called” and put a period.
“I’m already saving for us. So, you want me to tell you about the future again ? Geez, you're gonna be sick of it before we even get there. We’re gonna have a big, beautiful house, not just a crappy apartment. Our own house. And we’ll have our own space to play and we'll keep our home filled with music. And we’re gonna blow this world away, babe. We’ll do things with music that Equestria has never seen before.
Babe, listen. I know how out of nowhere this is gonna seem, but... I'm sorry. I wasted so much time of our time together. It’s not your fault that you need a little extra attention sometimes. I used to get so mad at you, for little things…. Nothing, sometimes…. We had so much time together and I feel like I wasted most of it getting mad all the time. Babe, I hope you know how much you mean to me. How much I love you. I thought…” But she couldn’t keep writing.
She wanted to say that she always thought there would be more time to say all the important things, that she thought there would be more time before opportunity called on her, that she had wasted all the precious time they had by arguing about things that were ultimately unimportant. She wanted to beg Octavia’s forgiveness. She wanted to confess all the times she kept arguments going just because she was too proud to admit when she was wrong, she wanted admit that she realized when she was just being an ass but kept hurting Octavia’s feeling just because she was too proud to apologize, and most of all, Vinyl wanted to tell Octavia that she was going to be better. That she would be more patient, that she would never fuss at her again for being jealous, that she would never call her stupid again; Oh that awful day she had called her stupid. Octavia had never acted the same after that. It crushed the little mare. It was then that Vinyl realized how thoughtless she was, it was then that she began to think that she was abusing her little filly. She had held her and apologized so many times since then, but it couldn’t erase it. Octavia had been scared because Vinyl had to stay hours after her gigs were scheduled to end. She didn’t understand that it took a long time to clear up after and pack the equipment. Octavia had been in tears, yelling that if she wasn't enough that Vinyl should just leave her. Then Vinyl impulsively shouted that she was stupid to think something so ridiculous . The argument ended abruptly after that.
What had happened to them? They were so happy at one point. They did romantic, spontaneous things once upon a time and they were close. They cuddled more back then, kissed more, made love more… The two mares were still young, so why did they both feel so old? Why did they argue like this when they were sharing the prime of their lives? Why did Vinyl abuse their time by never giving? Why was it she just took and took and took from the little gray mare? She slowly began to write.
“I thought it was best to do it now though. Octavia, you have to leave. You have to find somepony else or I’m going to make you miserable for the rest of your life. Please babe, I just want you happy. I know it’ll hurt for a long time, but eventually you will find somepony so much better. It won’t be hard and it won’t take long. You deserve somepony worthy of you, and I will never be that pony. You’ll always have all my love, my little pony. But this is the best way I know how to love you.
Vinyl’s eyes glistened as she sealed the letter and stood up. Her hooves trembled. Somewhere in her brain she knew she would never send it, but how else was her Tavi ever going to be happy? Vinyl felt that she had ruined the little mare's own self-worth. But the truth is, Tavi never had any. How could she ever fix it when she'd been broke so long? She couldn’t, was the simple answer. It was best to leave, let her recover and then heal. Eventually she would… Find someone else to abuse her. Probably somepony worse. Vinyl suddenly felt trapped, absolutely trapped. If she left with her only relationship experience being one like this, why would she seek out anything better? If she left Octavia, she was condemning her to more abuse; worse abuse. Her horn lit up with magical aura and ignited the letter which burned in her hooves. Vinyl sat down, feeling like a wild animal trapped in a cage. She closed her eyes and sighed. What could she do?
After a moment, Vinyl began to think…. Could I be different? Could I stop being so impatient? Could I just take all the times she freaks out about nothing? Could I take it every time she accuses me of cheating without arguing or just reassure her every time she says that I deserve better? It was easy to say yes to those things, but not so easy to remain committed to doing them when she needed reassurance dozens of times a day. Octavia’s mother had abused her constantly when she was a foal. She never felt good enough, she never felt needed, she never felt like Vinyl was actually there to stay. It always felt like she was fighting Octavia’s mother whenever she would argue with her, and sometimes it caused Vinyl to forget who her anger was affecting. She hated the pain Octavia had went through, and so sometimes the anger at her pain, caused her to hurt Octavia herself. It was complicated though Vinyl didn’t think for a minute that it justified her actions. Octavia's suspicious nature and overly emotional response to basically everything drove Vinyl to distraction at some points. Even so, Vinyl couldn't say either of them truly abused the other. It was too complex to simply say their relationship was abusive or that it was mutually harmful. Vinyl’s heart ached to think that it could indeed be harmful to her cellist. Dealing with somepony like Octavia took so much patience, but then, so did dealing with Vinyl. Could she be that kind of pony? Like the Faustian Order of monks who were unnaturally serene and never raised their voices? There was blame that they had to share, and Vinyl imagined that Octavia knew that too. She thought a long minute.have to be better." Vinyl nodded, resolutely. That was all there was to it. She wasn't good enough to deserve her marefriend, she never could be; but no one else was either. "I guess I'll have to do." She said to herself, determinedly. She had no choice but to be the mare that Octavia needed. Whether or not she could didn't matter, for there was no choice. If it took the rest of her life, that was a good way to spend it. Octavia was worth it. She grabbed her bag and put on her shades, and left to go somewhere that she had rarely ever been before; the library.
Octavia lay in the middle of her apartment, stirring slightly. She had passed out as soon as she got inside. The door was not even shut properly but it couldn’t be opened either, because of the mare that lay blocking it. There was a knock, before letters dropped on top of the pony from the mail slot. Twitching and groaning slightly, she opened her eyes. She reached down, without really looking, and felt for the mail. She pulled the three envelopes up onto her belly and then, turning over a little, she looked at the clock. It was three in the afternoon. Octavia groaned and laid the mail on the ground so she could look through the letters without moving again. Almost immediately however, she jumped a foot in the air as she saw the name Vinyl Scratch. Ripping the letter open, she began hungrily reading it.
“My Tavi,
Octavia stopped reading. The hangover was keeping her from fully processing it. Vinyl Scratch had written her an honest-to-Celestia love letter. Vinyl was never a hopeless romantic. She just didn’t do things like this. That was alright, of course, Octavia loved her just as she was, but this was so unexpected that it made her groggy mind reel.
“I can’t wait to see you, to hold you close and kiss every inch of you. I’m so proud of you for making it into a new ensemble. I’ll come back home just to see you play if you’ll tell me when. You are so talented and so special and you deserve the world. I am working so hard to give you just a little bit of what you deserve. My heart will be aching for you until you write again. I love you and I adore you. And honey, you never have to tell me you’ve been faithful. I know you are as true as can be. Be good for me. :)
Stunned, she looked down to see that inside the envelope was a check, written out in the sum of a hundred bits. Octavia lay back on the floor and stared at the ceiling. Why the change? Why the sudden tenderness? She wanted to cling to the letter and cry with joy, but she couldn’t help it. There was something off about the whole thing. Vinyl was not that type of pony. She would never be that open. She would never be so gentle. Something was wrong. Octavia rolled slowly onto her stomach and with all her strength, she lifted herself onto all fours. As she stood, swaying back and forth, she thought about it as reasonably as her brain would allow through the haze of alcohol. Vinyl was being overly romantic, which must mean she felt guilty. Why would she feel guilty? Could she have found somepony else? Was this her way of letting her down easy? Octavia’s eyes burned but she had cried enough. She shook her head.
“Dear Vinyl,
Her eyes gushed with tears and her head was practically screaming in agony. If her head hadn’t been aching from the worst hangover of her life, perhaps she would have stopped to think about the huge leaps in logic she was making. Perhaps if she didn’t still have so much alcohol clouding her judgement, she would have realized that the kind words were exactly what they seemed, a very genuine love letter. But Octavia’s mind wasn’t thinking logically, and considering this kind of romantic language was not something she'd ever experienced, she couldn't entirely be blamed for assuming them to be antagonistic. Her tears dropped freely on the paper but she didn’t care this time.
“Please, if you've found somepony else, don't let me down easy. Don't sing and dance around it to make it hurt less. Especially don't say things like that and make me feel...” She scratched out the last sentence, not even bothering to erase it. "Please just tell me what's going on and what I'm missing. You've never said you adored me... Please don't hurt me like this, Vinyl. Just leave if you are going to but don't ruin me like this."
She sealed the letter as her heart ached within her tiny body, and she held onto it like a lifeline. She couldn't move; she felt shattered, even more so than when she had been unable to write for a full month. Every muscle in her core was throbbing and forcing her to double over in agony as she cried. After a long hour of fixedly watching the letter, Octavia sat slowly up and stumbled out of bed. Her legs felt weak and stiff, but she didn’t care enough to stretch them. She picked up Vinyl’s envelope, pulled out the check and stared at it. She considered it intently, trying to fool herself for a brief moment. She pondered buying substantive food and new sheets, maybe even coffee. She thought about staying sober and trying to get her life together in case Vinyl did want her back. But after a few minutes, she stopped the charade and admitted that she knew exactly what it would go toward.
After sliding the letter into the mailbox outside the apartment and cashing the check Vinyl had sent her, Octavia made her way to the bar. She sat at the counter and laid her head down.
The next morning, Octavia awoke to find her landlord staring down at her. Despite the judgmental eye she was being given, the drunken mare could not muster up the will to move quickly. She wasn't even sure where she was. Looking around, she realized that she was still in the elevator floor.
"Celestia... kill me..." She thought, desperately, right before throwing up every ounce she had just drank.
Vinyl ran her hoof against the record on the turntable, causing it to screech sharply, warping the sustained note that played over the deep, pounding bass. Her eyes were closed behind her purple shades, and she bobbed her head in rhythm with the beat. The music controlled the mares dancing through the club. They grinded against each other, some of them drinking and others locking lips, some just laughing and having fun with friends. Vinyl's mind wondered as she played; she imagined running her hooves through Octavia’s mane. Each revolution of the records against her hooves was like the gentle brushing of Octavia’s fur when she would stroke her flanks. Vinyl felt great about her current situation. She felt like she had a chance to improve their lives and improve herself. The selfish, only child who couldn’t deal with Octavia’s easily triggered trauma was gone. A new mare had been born from the ashes. She could have flown from the excitement, from the happiness, and even from the welcome nervousness that she could fail. It was all she could think about and though she rocked the house to its knees with her performance, it was probably the first show in her life in which she had been genuinely distracted the entire time.
As the club closed up and she packed her cords and cables neatly into the cases beneath her turntable and locked all of it up, Vinyl was excited to get home and finish reading. It was a first for her, not that she didn’t read at all, but she didn’t usually set aside time for it. She passed Neon who waved her over, but she ignored him, pretending not to notice. Her manager briefly stopped her but Vinyl could not talk long, she had important things to tend to after all. The manager himself was rather surprised by Vinyl’s uncharacteristic purposefulness to leave and by the genuine happiness that radiated off of her. Vinyl could not let anything distract her, not now she had a chance to fix her entire life. She rushed back to her apartment and as soon as the door was shut, she grabbed the book that lay on top a stack of novels, then ran through the small living room and into the bedroom. The DJ slumped into bed and opened the book, entitled "From Self Harm to Self Care; Healing A Trauma Survivor with Love.” Vinyl was reading ferociously and consuming every word. The issue was that Octavia had only said she was abused but never gave any explanation about what specifically had happened to her. That was only a challenge to the unicorn; she would just have to try everything until she could keep Octavia steady and keep herself calm. If the cellist never shared the full experience, then that was okay as far as Vinyl was concerned, as long as they could live with it.
Unhealed trauma can be a major obstacle to achieving intellectual intimacy. It often highly charges emotions, quickly escalates common issues and causes the ‘survivor’ to respond with heightened and sometimes violent behavior. Arguments with the pony are often emotionally fueled, and they can become distant and unresponsive for long periods of time.
Vinyl mumbled, reading aloud. She wrote a few notes in a notebook that lay next to her. “That’s definitely her….” She turned back to the book and continued.
Ponies with trauma will often assume their partner is against them even when this is not the case and will usually maintain a constant, lingering doubt about their partner’s faithfulness. This will usually lead to severe difficulty in accepting love, despite repeated reassurance.
Vinyl sighed and laid her head back. It wasn’t just her. The constant need for attention and reassurance to feel loved was normal for this kind of thing. She rubbed her eyes and smiled a little. She still knew there was work to do, but the previous night’s chapter had only been about reaching out, which she felt she had done okay at in her letter. Tonight’s lesson reassured her. She stretched a little and pulled the book closer.
Having a good support system is the most critical step. Having friends and family that respect you and speak positively of your relationship is very important. Another important step is find a therapist to guide you as a couple or on your own.
Vinyl quickly scribbled, ‘send money for therapy’. Then she quickly added up what she remembered being in her bank account and nodded, deciding it would probably be enough.
Take time to learn self-care and healing. A typical technique is the couple bubble.
Vinyl snorted and giggled at the words. After a second of thinking “you are kidding me….”, she wrote down the ridiculous phrase. She carried on in this way for some time into the night; reading and taking the most detailed of notes, until the mare fell asleep on her book, having written over ten pages herself.
The next day, around four in the evening, a clinking sound awoke Vinyl. She snapped awake in alarm and jumped out of the bed and face-planted. She ran to the living room and looked around frantically. Slowly she realized that she hadn’t brought anyone home and then remembered after a second that she hadn’t even gone out the night before. Her heart calmed and she saw that the clinking sound had been the mail slot closing as a few letters had been dropped in. She picked them up and saw Octavia’s neat handwriting and smiled, broadly. She opened it carefully and read it. The DJ’s smile faded and she sat down on the coffee table.
“My sweet love,
She thought about the exclamation points and considered if Octavia might take it as anger. So, she added a little smiley face, and continued.
“Babe, I want you to feel like you can tell me anything. Please, if anything bad is going on right now, I want to hear it. You don’t have to keep anything from me. And come on, I could never want anyone but you. You are perfect. You are my mare. The mare of my dreams. I’m so sorry I’ve never said it before, babe. That was stupid. I should’ve said it a long time ago. I will never leave. I know it’ll be hard for you to understand it, but I just could never want anyone else. If it takes every day of the rest of my life, I’ll prove it. I’m not going anywhere. I love you, Tavi.
Love,
Immediately, she stood to mail it. Vinyl was still feeling good but then remembered something. She quickly wrote another check to Octavia, this one wasn’t just to keep her going though. She pulled her pen back out and quickly wrote,
“P.S. this is so important to me, babe. Please, take this cash and find a therapist and get them to help you with all the crap you went through as a child. I can afford to help you get passed it now and it would mean so much to me. Please babe? I love you so much.”
The unicorn sealed the check inside the letter and skipped out the door and down to the apartment mailboxes. She deposited the letter and stood there, motionless, but grinning like an idiot. She felt so good right now, like she could run laps or climb a mountain. In fact… Vinyl rubbed her stomach. She must’ve gained like ten pounds since moving to Manehattan and furthermore, she was definitely heavier than when she first met Octavia. What if Octavia stopped finding her attractive? Vinyl shook her head and stretched a little.
Over the next few days, Vinyl began to wake up at nine, early for her considering that she usually got home at two in the morning. She began walking for an hour every morning and cut out beer altogether. Vinyl was happy. For the first time in two years, she was truly happy. In the back of her mind as she walked a mile each day, she considered the idea that she was only happy because she wasn’t with Octavia. But she shut the idea out. Of course, that wasn’t it. She was happy because she was ready to try again and felt she could succeed. Her marefriend’s absence was just a tool to achieve it, an unavoidable difficulty that could bring a greater good into their life. After nearly a week, on the first day she had begun to inject a few minutes of jogging into her walk, Vinyl was growing worried that Octavia hadn’t received her letter. Once she exhausted herself, she decided that it was a good time to go home and check the mail again. Sweaty and well-stretched out, Vinyl walked into her apartment. There was the mail, laying in the floor. Her stomach lurched uneasily and she felt sickened somewhat. Suddenly nerves had gripped the unicorn for seemingly no reason. It could wait. She levitated the letters with her magic up onto the kitchen counter. Vinyl did need a shower first and there was no rush. So, she sat in the floor of the shower for over an hour, letting the water run over her mane and horn. Vinyl was nervous. She didn’t know why but she felt sick, like something was dreadfully off. She sat there until the water ran cold. Then she dried off and walked back into the living room. The letters, one of which was sealed with tape, seemed threatening. Vinyl picked up the letters and turned them over. One was a notice from her landlord about some new policy, but the other was her own letter. She was confused for a moment but then saw, in Octavia’s neat hoofwriting, “return to sender”. She gawked at it and turned the letter over. It was the one that had been re-sealed with tape. Realizing that Octavia had read it, Vinyl ripped it open. The check that had been inside was gone, and the letter was stained with tears. Beneath her post script, which was circled, Octavia had written something else. The simple phrase, “I understand.” Vinyl read the circled portion again. It was the pleas for Octavia to seek therapy.
Octavia lay on the roof of her apartment, her forehooves dangling over the edge. It was ten stories up and the ponies below looked like fleas. She drained another bottle and dropped it off the rooftop and into the empty alley at the foot of the building. She was slow moving from the several bottles she had consumed, but despite this, she was angrier and more bitter than she had ever been.
Vinyl Scratch sat at home, gnawing on the edge of her hoof, and thinking to herself.
“Dear Vinyl.
Vinyl fell into the doorway, sliding to the ground as her heart stopped. She was very dizzy. Breathing heavily, she continued, feeling weaker with every line she read.
“I have been drinking myself to death, Vinyl. There has not been a day since you left that I haven’t been fully or partially drunk. They say I’ve already damaged my liver, almost irreparably. Eventually I will need some intensive magical therapy but they said that since you were a unicorn, you could do the therapy with me at home. That is, if you still want me after I tell you everything. But I must be fully honest. The drinking isn’t why I am here, Vinyl. I have broken both of my back legs and fractured most of my ribs. Granted, that is really, quite lucky given the circumstances… My love, please don’t hate me. I was drunk… and I’ve been so alone. And I tried to commit suicide.”
Vinyl was openly crying, and retching hard, straining her back in the process. The DJ’s heart was in agonizing pain with a grief she had never experienced. Every muscle in her body ached and her horn and neck throbbed from the severe tension that seized her. Deep in her core, it felt like every organ in her body was being crushed flat. Her baby girl, the love of her life, had tried to kill herself… And Vinyl hadn’t been there. The letter crumpled in her magical grasp and she howled in anguish, sobbing loud and hard. She was a failure. The poor, broken unicorn had tried too late. Her worst nightmare had come true… Tavi was suicidal. The tears grew more uncontrollable as she finished the now soaked, wrinkled letter.
“I know you are busy and I want you to put your career first. But when you get the day off, please come see me. If only for a few hours. I’m so sorry for everything, my angel. I hope to see you soon. I love you so much.
Vinyl was still in hysterics when she stood and grabbed her suitcase. Hyperventilating for few minutes, she tried desperately calm down but to no avail. Then, defeated and still shaking with tears that had not ceased, she made her way down the hall. There was no point in hurrying, no point in trying… She had failed.
Octavia lay in her hospital bed, with both of her hind legs elevated above her in full casts. Her torso was also heavily bandaged. She was tired and looked it. The past week had been spent in agony and an extremely difficult detoxing process. She was finally adjusting however, and the pain killers had finally allowed her to begin healing with relative peace. The hospital room was sterile and empty, but the knowledge of doctors being nearby made the small room more inviting than her own apartment. She shifted slightly, trying make herself more comfortable, but to no avail. Laying her head back, Octavia stared at the ceiling, thinking of her mare. She wondered if Vinyl would ever respond, if she would even care about her injuries now that she realized how desperate and disturbed she was. The sad, broken little cellist sighed, sadly. Just then, there was a knock at the door. Octavia didn’t move, assuming it was the nurse, coming to check on her and take her vital readings for the fifteenth time that day. As expected, the little pink mare poked her head inside.
Octavia fully healed after two months of potions and various herbs prescribed by the best unicorn physicians in Canterlot. During the recovery, Vinyl only left her side at night to perform. Though the work wasn’t as glamorous, she saw the opportunity to advance in other ways and build a career in Canterlot among smaller club circuits, and of course, it allowed her to pay for Octavia’s therapy, which she attended bi-weekly, for two years. At first, Vinyl was as good as her word, and until Octavia left therapy, she remained patient and kind through the worst of the struggle. As with everything that requires daily work to maintain, Vinyl’s good mood and patience dwindled, but always reignited. She finally became the pony she had the potential to be, and Octavia finally felt truly, completely alive for the first time. The two mares grew successful. Vinyl was invited back for gigs in Manehattan in larger events as a result of her short time there, but this time Octavia went with her everywhere and they always returned home together each night. It took longer and more travel expenses, but they weren't willing to part again. Octavia regained the strength in her legs and eventually began playing her cello once more. The cellist also gained great popularity and in decidedly less time than it took her partner. The first time Octavia was offered the chance to play The Grand Galloping Gala was perhaps the proudest Vinyl had ever been, and she let her marefriend know it. Eventually they became two of the most famous and successful musicians in Equestria and started playing shows together, which caused a greater spike in their popularity. After all the trials, physical and mental, they had pulled through and made the life they wanted; the life they deserved.
Vinyl sat at her turntable, looking over the old, wrinkled letters that Octavia had sent her so many years ago. Every day Vinyl would look at them and remember the strife they had overcome, and every day it reminded her to keep working to be all she could be. She looked up from the letters at the beautiful, sunlit cottage where the couple now lived. They had divided it down the middle, one side as Vinyl’s practice space and the other as Octavia’s. The two sides matched their personalities, down to the color scheme, and allowed the maximum amount of comfortable, creative space to work in for both. Vinyl stood, stowing the letters inside an empty record sleeve and dusted off the white suit she was wearing, which made her look rather dapper and adjusted her usual purple sunglasses. She looked at the clock and then to the bedroom door.
