Chapters Anatomy Lessons 2: Mane Six Edition
“You sure you want to do this, Twilight?”
Twilight Sparkle, immortal alicorn Princess of Friendship, nods solemnly as you walk to the map room, to await the rest of the girls coming
”I have to tell them, Spike. Friends don’t keep secrets this big from each other. It would be…wrong. Even if it is weird and uncomfortable”
“Hah, yeah…”
You avert your eyes for a moment and scratch your head. You don’t think she caught on to what you did, but you still feel super guilty about it. You try to act as casual as you can manage, putting your arms back down to their sides and looking back at Twilight.
“I guess I see what you mean, though. I’d be annoyed if someone had kept the fact that they’re indestructible a secret.”
”Technically speaking I’m not indestructible, Spike.”
“Oh, sure.” You say. Classic Twilight, always so pedantic about words and stuff. You can see that you’ve got her thinking now
“In fact, come to think of it, I’m very destructible. Taking me apart was pretty easy, really. Maybe that’s a trade-off? We should do more research on that.”
You think about that last thing she said.
“Uh, wouldn’t you need to see how easily it is to cut a normal, non-immortal pony apart?”
”Oh, that’s true actually. I’m sure there’s a book about that I can read.”
You think you’ll give that one a miss
“When will they be here then?”
”Should be sometime soon. Unless they all get caught up in something. But I’m sure there will be no problems. We’ll all just have a nice, casual, informal chat about it. Nothing weird. OK?”
You nod your head as you both enter the map room. You’d like to get through this without any other…distractions. You’re sure nothing like that will repeat itself though…
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You are Scootaloo, Cutie Mark Crusader and number one fan of Rainbow Dash. You are currently way, way out in a field out of town, and you’re about to witness the most awesome stunt in Pegasus history. Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie had been working on a “super duper top ultra double-mega secret” project. And now, because you’re her number one fan, Rainbow has revealed it to you
It’s an obstacle course. No, it’s THE obstacle course. Flaming hoops! Spinning blades! Crushers! Spikes! Catapults! If it’s deadly, it’s here. Well, there’s no deadly animals or anything like that. Rainbow told you she wanted a manticore in there somehow, but couldn’t figure out how to get one in it. She’s still pretty sure that this is the most dangerous, most deadly and most coolest stunt course ever devised, and who are you to doubt her? And now she’s going for a test run before she shows it off to everypony tomorrow. Why? Because awesome ponies do awesome things, and this was the very definition of the word.
Rainbow dash stands ready at the start, waiting for you to say when. If it was anypony else-literally anypony-you would be terrified for them, begging them to reconsider and so on. It would be certain death, surely. But this is Rainbow Dash. And she’s convinced she can do it.
”But, you know how Pinkie is. She just kept adding, and adding, and adding...But I don’t back down from anything. Why would I? I’m THE Rainbow Dash! So what if there’s a giant rotating death blade at the end? I…I can take it!”
She’s so brave. Your heart flutters at the memory of her definitely not insecure face as she gave you her word that she would “wreck” the course. You see her look towards you. It’s time. You give her the signal …And she’s off! Rainbow speeds through the flaming loops that comprise the start of the obstacle course, shooting clear like a very colourful arrow. You woop and holler at the sight of the Pegasus ducking and weaving through the moving pendulum blades, which make an audible metallic scream as they move this way and that.
“Go, Rainbow, Go!” you chant, waving your hooves in the air. The blue Pegasus avoids the rocks thrown by the catapults like it’s filly’s play, dancing in the air like ballet. Then she races through a tunnel of spikes and blades. You hold your breath for what seems like an eternity, waiting for her to emerge. You almost burst when she does, looking no worse for wear.
She’s coming up to the end, and the most dangerous obstacle. The rotating blades spinning in a giant circle, held up by a pole. It’s basically a giant fan if it had been designed by a sadist. And Rainbow was zooming towards it full speed. Her timing has to be perfect. Your heart is racing, beating painfully against your tiny chest. You’re not sure if you can watch
…She goes right through it! She’s done it! You holler and whoop, adrenaline coursing through you as she flies towards your seated position to the side. She lands by you, smirking.
”How was that, kid?” she asks
“AWESOME!” you shout
”That’s right! Gimme a hoof!”
She raises her hoof up, and you jump up and slap it with your own
And then she falls apart
One moment shes standing there, hoof raised in triumph. Then in a blink, she’s in pieces. Her severed hoof flops down and rolls towards you. You stare at it, and then at the pile of Rainbow Dash in front of you. She’s basically a series of blue and red cubes now. With the occasionally bone white thrown in, with some other colours. You’re pretty sure the pink bits are her brain, for example. Oh, and you can see a square that seems to have her filly parts on it, right next to an unidentifiable reddy-brown cube. The dark lips are entirely intact, which seems a minor miracle really. Your eyes are drawn to them…
Still in shock, you move a hoof towards it. You flinch a little when you make contact, the feeling of her warm, damp flesh waking you up like a blast of cold water to the face. Rainbow’s been…she’s…you feel your eyes well up for a moment. Then you see one of Rainbow’s eyes lying near the top of the pile. To your amazement, it blinks, then looks up at you. You look down at it. Your peripheral vision notices the other eyecube moving to look at you from the bottom left of the pile. It also blinks. Which means she’s still…ok? Maybe she can still hear you
Stealing yourself for what felt like the umpteenth time today, you take a deep breath and dig through the pile until you find an ear. It's still very warm, and you feel all sorts of weird textures. Some gooey, some spongy, some hard...You try not to think about all of this too much. All your focused on is helping Rainbow out in her time of need. You find an ear, eventually. You turn it this way and that in your hoof, before raising it to your mouth and shouting into it
“HELLO RAINBOW. I AM GOING TO TAKE YOU TO TWILIGHT AFTER I FIND SOMETHING TO PUT YOU ALL IN. DON’T GO ANYWHERE”
You don’t know if she heard you or not, but that’s all you can do for now. You gently set the ear down on top of the pony-pile, and then turn away to go and get your scooter. Time to find a bucket
You are Fido, the Diamond Dog. And you've got an axe to grind
Because you've got an axe, you see. And a very annoying pony to grind it against
"Darling, let's not do anything we may regret in the future..." says Rarity, with a coolness that would be admirable if you didn’t find her so bloody annoying. You're on the edge of the pony village. She was carrying some gems back from somewhere when you found her. The other dogs always said they'd love to get their revenge on her for that time down in the mines. Rover was fuming about it for months, and just having to listen to him rant for hours at a time was enough to drive any dog crazy. Well now you were gonna get that revenge alright. He’d probably just complain that he wasn’t there to see it though.
The white unicorn held her head up high, weighing you up. The look on her face was only making you madder. Even now she was acting all high and mighty.
"Tell you what, I'll give you...a third of the gems I found today, hmm?” she said, almost casually. “Sound good, er...Fluffy?"
Your eye twitches, and you raise the axe high above your head.
"IT'S FIDO!"
You bring the axe down as she's raising her offer to 40%, an offer that soon comes to a sudden halt. The axe cleaves her head clean in two, right down the middle. Both sides flop around when you raise your axe again, her eyes going in loopy circles independent of each other. You keep hacking away until the cut goes down to her chest. Her organs start to spill onto the floor as you continue to cut her in two in a berserker rage, screaming incoherently.
Eventually her two halves fall to the ground. Her left side faces up, and her right side is face down, exposing her innards and bones like it's an anatomy model. Not that you ever studied anatomy. Even you know that ponies weren’t meant to be in two halves, though. You stand over her, panting, with the bloody axe in your hand. Serves her right. Stupid, stuck up, whiny pony. You turn to leave
"Ok, so you...want half then?" said a voice
"Ok, so you want half then?" said another, identical voice at the same time. Wat. You turn around.
"Who's there?" you shout, looking around
"Down here, darling"
"Down here, darling"
You look down.
Rarity's left side looks up at you.
"Pretty please?" it says.
"Pretty please?" mimics her right.
You drop the axe in shock. Oh no. Oh no, no no. There's two of them now. Your worst nightmares have come true. They both start to move, trying to stand up on only two shaky legs. The left side manages it, but the right side slumps down to it’s side again, into a pile of its (not hers, its) own intestines. Both sides look at you in a different eye.
"Don't make us whine at you"
Nope. You are simply not having this. You run off as fast as your bandy legs can take you, throwing up dust under your padded feet as you disappear into the horizon. You promise yourself to never interact with a pony ever again.
You don’t hear Rarity sighing in stereo as you go, wondering how she's going to get back to town like this…
You are now Derpy Hooves. Well, that's what every calls you, because it sounds funny, and everyone says you're funny! Haha! You've got some mail for the Princess's friends. Must be important! You wonder what adventures they're about to get into now. You were sure that it was going to be very exciting and they would all have a great time.
You've delivered letters to the homes of Rarity, Pinkie and your good friend Rainbow Dash
You're on your way to the Apple farm now. You look down from the sky and into the fields, wondering if you would see Applejack or her family nearby. Oh, there they are! They're raising a new barn! You helped them once. It fell down and you cried but she gave you a pie and said she ain't mad, and she never been mad, and that she wanted you to know that.
She was a nice pony.
You spot Applejack on the highest beam, talking to her brother about something. He nods his head and walks back towards the main house. Maybe he forgot something. There was lots of big important building things scattered around. It looked dangerous but Applejack didn't seem scared of being so high up. Oh, you should go say hi and deliver that letter now! You fly down, her letter already in your mouth. She doesn't see you coming. You land behind her and tap her butt with your hoof.
"Hi, Applejack!"
"WHAT THE-"
Oops! She fell off the barn. What a silly pony!..Oh, did you do that? Oh, you did it again. Oh…You hope she isn't mad at you. You look down and see her lying down. Did she spill something? There's red and pink all over the place. Like the pile of wood next to her, where her hat now is. You fly down next to her to, landing softly on the lush grass.
"Sorry, Applejack, are you ok?"
She doesn't respond straight away. First she stands up, slowly, and shakily. Then turns around. Applejack stares blankly at you, drooling. The top of her head is missing, like an egg that's been cracked open. Most of her brain is also gone. The remaining grey matter is sloshing around like bad jelly. She tilts her head, and most of the remaining brain slops out onto the grass.
"App...les..." says Applejack
You take all of this in for a minute or two, your thoughts slowly building momentum like a mudslide. And then it hits you. You gasp in shock. Her eyes... They're like yours! You giggle, and sigh with relief. You thought she was hurt, but if she's just feeling like you do, she must be very happy! Because you're always happy!
"Well, I have a letter for you!" you say cheerfully.
"Apples....Ap...Apples" she says, in a slow monotone.
You offer the letter to her, but Applejack doesn't seem to notice. She just keeps saying “apples” in different ways. Wow, she really loved apples to talk about them like this! Shrugging, you pop the letter into her now empty head.
"Apples..." she says
"Well, I'll leave you to your barn! It looks great!"
"..."
"..."
"...Apples"
"Yeah, see you around too!" you say.
With that, you fly off. You wave to her brother as you go. He has a big ladder with him. He waves to you, then sees Applejack, and sprints toward her at full pelt. Must be eager to build that barn!
One more letter and then your shift is done! Over to Fluttershy's cottage you go. She's a nice pony...
You reach Fluttershy's cottage in due time. Putting the letter in the letterbox, you wonder how she's getting on. She was always such a quiet pony. You knock on the door. There's no reply. Hmm, maybe she's out. You knock again anyway. You can hear animal noises. And other, weirder noises. Like loud chewing .Oh, maybe she's having dinner! With her animals! Or maybe...
You shudder. Maybe they're having Fluttershy for dinner! You spring to the window and look in Yikes! That's actually exactly what's happening. You can see the yellow mare's form sprawled on the floor, with various animals over her. Nothing out of the ordinary from what you usually see at her cottage, but one had her intestines in his mouth. And one was chewing on a limb like a toy, sitting over in the corner away from the carnage.
You can't believe it…For once, your overactive imagination was correct! Who's crazy now, doctor?! At any rate, you had to act. Crying a vicious war cry, you dive through the window, glass shattering. It hurts a little, but you're a brave mare, and now you needed to be brave for a friend.
"I object!" you shout, like in the movies.
The animals all jump, then stare at you hungrily. Uh oh.
"Get back, or I'll do karate at you! Hiya!"
You start doing karate at them, or rather, towards them. Your hooves flail like a stuffed toy caught in a washing machine. It seems to be working-the animals stand perfectly still, watching you. They're too intimated to move, you're sure.
"Umm...what are you doing?"
You look down at Fluttershy, who is sitting up now, entrails still in the jaw of a nearby wolf.
"Did you...break my window? That wasn't very nice..."
"But, you're in danger! You're hurt!" you protest.
She looks down at her wounds.
"Oh, right, well, it's funny, I was cutting some food up for the animals when I cut myself, but it didn't hurt, which was strange, and when they saw the blood, Mr Paws couldn't help myself and...well..."
She gestures with a stump to the wolf with her leg in his jaws. He looks bashful, but chews it anyway.
"Anyway, it still didn't hurt or anything, and well, one thing led to another and..."
She trails off a little, as more of her guts are drawn out of her abdomen.
"...I guess I maybe sort of fed myself to them. But it's ok, I feel fine! I think maybe Twilight would-"
"Oh, you have a letter from Princess Twilight, actually! Hold on a second, I’ll go get it."
You trot out and go to retrieve the letter. Oh you hate these darn letterboxes. You fiddle with it as the animals inside grow louder. There's a commotion and Fluttershy yelps, which you don’t notice. You finally get the thing out and turn around. Fluttershy's head rolls out he open door, coming to a stop at your hoof.
"Oh my, they really do like how I taste. It's very, um...flattering..."
She blushes.. You drop the letter on her face unceremoniously.
"My shift is done!" you announce happily. "I'm away to get food. Bye bye, Fluttershy!"
"Wait, wait a moment!" squeals Fluttershy. "If it's not too much trouble, could you maybe take me to Twilight's castle? I bet she knows what's going on. And if you leave me here, the animals might, well, crack my skull open and eat my brains."
To illustrate her point, some bones fly out of the door, rattling spookily as they land. She looks up at you pleadingly. You agree to help her, and stuff her head in your empty mailbag.. She says something but you can't hear her very well. Well, one last delivery, on the house for a good friend! You fly away as a bear enters the cottage. Twilight was a nice pony. She's always happy to see you
Anatomy Lessons 2: Mane Six Edition
Chapter 2: Getting the Gang Back Together
You are, once again, Spike, and your butt is sore with all this waiting. You take a sip of your lukewarm cup of tea as Pinkie finishes yet another song. She’s been alternating between singing, joke-telling and very long anecdotes for the last hour or so. It’s a tell-tale sign that she was also bored beyond belief. The girls were meant to be here. Where in Equestria could they be? You’re just about approaching the time when you’ll start to be officially worried.
Twilight reached that stage about 20 minutes ago. Her eye is twitching. You remember when it dangled from a nerve out of its socket. Memories of that night still flash back to you when you look at Twi, and you find yourself staring at her again. You’ve seen her in ways no one else has…well, until tonight. Twilight’s going to show everyone those pictures you took of her after you had finished taking her apart, as proof of her immortality. Assuming they ever get here, that is…
“Are you sure you never seen them on your way here, Pinkie?” she asks, too wrapped up in worry to notice you zoning out.
This fails to reassure the purple princess, who gets up from her seat and stats to pace the table.
“This isn’t like them…well ok, it’s a little like Rainbow Dash. But the others should be here. I think we should go and check on them.”
You kind of agree with Twilight. Besides, it beat just sitting around waiting for them. You hop off your chair, arching your back and rubbing your derriere. Those things weren’t as comfy as you’d like, really, you’ll have to remember to tell Twilight. Maybe not now though. She’s got other things on her mind at the moment.
The three of you make your way to the entrance to the castle. It’s quiet outside, for a change. Your eyes scan the horizon, as if the rest of the Elements were just about to appear. Nope, no sign of them. You sigh.
“Well, where should we start looking?” you ask. Twilight rubs her chin with her hoof.
“I say we visit the boutique first. Or maybe-wait, I see Derpy coming in. Maybe she has a letter for me that could explain something?”
You look up to the skies and see the mailmare descending towards you, landing just on the top step in front of the door. She smiles at you all.
“Hey everyone! I have something for you Twilight!” she announces. You and Pinkie both turn to look at Twilight, who looks excitedly at the straw-haired Pegasus.
“Hah! I knew it! Uh, I mean, thank you Derpy. May I see it?”
“Sure! Just hang on a second…”
She turns her head around and begins to fish something out of her mailbag. Whatever it is, it’s quite bulky for a letter. It also appears to be speaking.
“Derpy, I think you need to give this bag a wash. Um, if you don’t mind me saying…” mumbles a small voice. Hang on, it sounds familiar. Was that…?
Derpy pulls out a round, pink and yellow object and turns around, holding it in her mouth by its…mane? The object blinks a few times in the sun, then peers at you and the others with an embarrassed look on its face.
“Oh,hello girls. Uh…oh, this is hard to explain…”
Fluttershy trails off. And it is her, unmistakably so. Or at least, her head. You’re kind of stunned. Yeah sure, Twilight, body parts everywhere and all that, but that doesn’t mean that seeing your friends severed head appear out of nowhere isn’t shocking. At least she doesn’t seem to be in any distress.
As you stand there slack jawed , you notice Twilight pick up Fluttershy with her magic and bring her up to her own face, looking more quizzical than worried.
“Fluttershy! Are you…ok? Relatively speaking?” she asks.
“Yes, I think so. It doesn’t hurt. But…can we go inside? This is,well, kind of embarrassing. What if anypony else sees me?” she asks, her teal eyes looking left and right as if onlookers were about to rush over. Twilight nods.
“Yes, yes, of course. Uh, thank you Derpy…hey, did you deliver my letters earlier?” she asks.
“Oh yes, I did! I even gave Fluttershy and Applejack theirs personally!” answered Derpy in a sing song way, her perpetual cheerfulness contrasting to the rather macabre sight of Fluttershy’s head floating in mid air. Twilight paused.
“Wait, Applejack too? Did you notice anything strange or off? She was meant to be here a while go.”
Derpy scrunched up her face in thought.
“Uuuummm…I remember thinking she seemed…happy? Sorry, you know how I get…”
“It’s ok.” Said Twilight, knowing better than to try and get more info out of this Pegasus. You say your goodbyes and enter the castle again, making a beeline for the map room. As you walk, Fluttershy tells you how she came to be just a head. Twilight is happy just to listen, and Pinkie seems to be taking the news rather well.
“Oooh, you look so cute like this! Like a little baby. But a head!” she says, bouncing around in her usual way. “Right, Spike?”
“Huh? Oh uh. You look…fine?” you say. Well, you can’t say she looks bad, but you feel strange complimenting her on being decapitated.
Fluttershy just looks mortified, trying to throw her bangs over her eyes by moving her head as best as she could, but mostly failing. You can see her windpipe and what must be her spine at the bottom of her neck, which is ragged and frayed. Not at all like Twilight when you sawed off her head, with a nice clean cut.
“This raises so many questions though!” says Twilight.” I don’t think even the Princesses would have predicted this. I need to test…no, I can’t…unless…” She trails off, lost in thought.
As you near the map room, it becomes apparent that there was another pair of hooves walking down the hall than the ones you could see.
“Hey, can you hear that?” you say. Everypony stops and listens to the hoofsteps. The gait seems rather unnatural to your ears. Forced and awkward, like someone learning how to walk. Very badly,at that. You can see Twilight’s brow constantly moving as she tries to make sense of this. She gently puts Fluttershy down so that the sound of her magic is no longer audible. She silently mouths the words “Be…quiet…” to you all
“Hello?” says a voice from down the corridors.
“Pinkie,darling?” says another, very similar voice, almost at the same time. You’d know that voice anywhere.
“Rarity? You ask.
“Oh,my little Spikey Wikey, hold on darling!”
“Oh,he’s yours is he? I thought he was ours.”
“Ah, beg pardon. I don’t mind sharing him with you.”
“My, how positively decadent”
What in Equestria was going on back there? Both voices sounded like Rarity all right, but something seemed..off. You walk over to where the voices appear to be coming from, and you’re aware of Twilight following you. You turn a corner and see her there, wearing a long blue sundress and a straw hat, standing on the left hand side. You also see her leaning against the right side wall, wearing a green and white stripped number and a plumed hat. You rub your eyes, not believing your good fortune.
“I don’t believe it…two Rarities!” you say, throwing your arms in the air in excitement. The Rarity on the left shakes her head.
“Ah, where that it would, Spike.”
“Indeed. The truth is…”
They start to approach you. You notice pretty much straight away that something was wrong with both of them. The way they kept to leaning against their respective walls. The wet, squelching noises you seemed to hear. The way they seemed strangely two dimensional as they slowly made their way towards you. They both stopped at the same time, and stood up straight. It dawns on you that they each only possess two legs-one at the front, and one at the back. As they start to turn, you put the horrible pieces together in your head. You stare at their heads as they turn to face each other.
“…it’s just one Rarity.”
“…but in two halves” they say, finishing their sentence. You can see everything-brain, skull and muscle, all on display. The two brain halves jiggle but stay in place. The rest of her body is obscured by the dresses they’re wearing, but you’re pretty sure you can see a loop of intestine poking out the bottom of the Rarity half in blue.
You hear a yelp behind you as Twilight arrives at the scene.
“Oh my goodness…Rarity?!”
“Yes, we’re here. And we’re…well, alive” say the Rarities, as one.
“But we both would like very much to have a lie down and a cup of something strong, please.”
“And some comfort food.”
“Yes, definitely.”
“Well…I’ll see what I can do.” Said Twilight. “You can tell us what happened in the map room. I think this may be a trend.”
“What do you mean, darling? Oh don’t tell us this happened to everypony else.”
“It’ll be awfully crowded if it is”
“No, no!” reassured the violet alicorn. “Well, it’s complicated. I’ll show you.”
You all walked back to the map room, where Pinkie had taken Fluttershy. The pink party pony was even more entertained by Rarity than she had been with the severed head she had been talking to.
“Hey, are you both Rarity, or are you like, two different Rarara’s? Do you know what the other’s thinking? Oh, oh, do you both have a different taste in fashion? Is that why you’re wearing different dresses? How did you get cut in half? Was it fun? Have you tried-“
“Pinkie, please, give her a chance to answer. Er, or…them, a chance to answer….” Said Twilight. The Rarities chuckled in stereo. They were sat next to each other, reclined and relaxed. In front of them was a plate of oatcakes and two cups of tea. They hadn't touched them yet,despite their request for something to eat and drink. Perhaps they were self-consious of how they would look eating in their current condition.
“Oh, it’s no harm. It’s best to think of this as an amusing and temporary diversion.” Said the blue-clad half, placing a certain emphasis on the word “temporary”.
“So don’t think too hard about it. We won’t, isn’t that right, me?”
“I’m exactly right. Now, as to how this business happened…”
The Rarities gave their side of the story. You make a mental note to get revenge on those diamond dogs at some point. You’re sure Twilight would gladly help out, given her outraged expression as she listens.
“…and after getting my bearings, well, my first thought was “I bet Twilight can fix this.” I did consider going over to the boutique and stitching myself back up, but I thought you might have some sort of explanation for this as well as a fix-you always do.”
“Well, I have my theories, but I’ll need to see the others first.
“Those Dogs better be careful though. I’m going to make sure they pay for this.” You say.
“I’m sure you will my brave defender, you. Oh, but the look on the poor mutt’s face…priceless, darling.” Laughs the right-side of Rarity.”
“I bet he SPLIT real fast, right?” says Pinkie. You all laugh. You all probably need it.
“How did you get here?” asks Fluttershy.
“Well luckily I had some emergency dresses stowed away in my bag-you never know when you might have to change into an airy cyan number, after all-and that helped to keep everything tidy, as it were. After that it was just a matter of willpower, really. As you laugh, though, you hear a knocking on the door.
“Hey, y’all in here?” says a muffled young voice. The door opens, and in walks Applebloom, holding a length of rope in her mouth as if she was towing something behind her. She was carrying a bag around her hip as well.
“Is Twilight here? I need-oh no, you all got messed up too!” she says. “Well, except for you, Pinkie.”
“Thanks!” chirped the older earth pony.
“Wait, what do you mean, “you too”? Is Applejack ok?” asks Twilight.
“See for yourselves”
“Apples…”
A shambling form enters the room, the rest of the rope that Applebloom was carrying around its neck like a leash. She might be without her trademark Stetson, but you could tell it was Applejack that was standing there, drooling and slightly cross-eyed. It wasn’t just her hat she was missing-the entire top of her head was missing, brain and all. She stood there, swaying from side to side, and muttering the same word periodically.
“Apples..”
“Oh dear.” Said the Rarities. “That’s really not a good look for her.”
“She’s an airhead!”
“Pinkie, that’s not very nice.”
“Sorry, couldn’t resist.”
Twilight walks over to the brainless earth pony, examining her. She sticks her hoof into the skull cavity, scrapes it around in there, then takes it out again, inspecting it, before frowning.
“Not even a hint of brain matter's left! What happened?”
“She fell off the barn we were building. Poor Big Mac’s laid up on the couch with fright-he found her like this. She’s all spaced out, but at least she ain’t…”
“You’ve been very brave, Applebloom. Did you manage to find her brain?”
“Oh, yeah, I made sure to gather up all the pieces into this”
Applebloom produces a clear jar from the bag. She holds it up and looks at it. “Oh, hey, look everypony!”
Everypony looks. It’s a brain, alright, just as she said. It looks remarkably intact, considering what she described.
“It’s reformed!”
Twilight slaps her own forehead and tuts to herself.
“Oh, how did I not realise that would work! If two pieces get placed back together, they’ll heal like nothing happened!”
“And you were going to tell us this when, exactly?” asked Left Rarity. Twilight grimaced.
“Sorry, sorry! I just got caught up in what was happening, I forgot!”
“Well…in any case, at least we know we can get back to normal whenever we want” said one half to the other.”
“Indeed. Let’s just see this out for now though.”
“Agreed”.
“Um, Twilight, what do you mean that you “forgot”?” says Fluttershy, who has up until now been content to quietly observe. “Did you know about this?”
“Well…I’ll get to that soon. Right now we’re still missing one other pony-“
“Oh thank Celestia you’re all here! Something terrible’s happened!”
As if on cue, Scootaloo busts into the room, holding a large grey bucket filled with…well, you have a pretty good idea what it’s filled with. And judging by the deadpan look on Twilight’s face, so does she.
“Let me guess: Rainbow Dash got hurt?”
“How did you know?” asks the orange filly, amazed. Then she looks around the room.” Oh. Is this something you’re all into now?”
“No, it’s-oh, forget it. Just put that bucket down and I’ll see what I can do.” Scootaloo placed the bucket down at the princess’s hooves. You curiously strain your neck and try to peek at the contents, but there’s a lid on the top of it that blocks the contents from view. You’re a little disappointed.
“S-She was trying out an obstacle course she had built…” said Scootaloo. She looked oddly nervous about something.
“Oh, you mean the super-mega-awesome deathcourse?” asked Pinkie,perking up. “Haha, I didn’t think she’d actualy go through with it, I was just joking! So that’s why she can fit into that little thing now?” she said, pointing her hood at the bucket.
“Uh, yeah…I put the pieces in there…”
“You’re sure you got her all?” asks Twilight.
“Y-Yes! Absolutely sure!” replies Scootaloo, wings extending a little. “Every last piece. Uh, listen, now that she’s here, can I go home now? I’m…kinda beat, is all” she says suddenly, rubbing one forelag against the other. If Twilight finds any of this odd, she doesn’t show it.
“Well…alright, if you say so.” Says Applebloom, staring at her big sister with concern. “I trust ya. Come on scoots, let’s go tell Sweetie Belle.”
“Yeah, right away. Bye everyone!”
“Give my regards to Sweetie, darlings?” say the Rarities, waving.
“Hey, don’t go spread this around!” implores Twilight as the two fillies make their exits. You kinda hope this doesn’t become a big news story. Something like this seems like it should be a private matter, to your mind at least. Twilight picks up the bucket with her magic, pries the lid off, and looks inside. Then she does something unexpected: She snorts with laughter. You wonder why she finds her friends state so funny…then a familiar, scratchy voice rings out:
“Yeah yeah, laugh it up. Just get me outta here.”
Twilight takes the bucket over to the central table and flips it over. Out slides a sky blue, bucket shaped mass of flesh, with an angry looking face looking up at the ceiling. It takes a few seconds for this to process before the rest of the room starts to giggle. Even Applejack manages a small chuckle, although you think she’s just reacting to the sound of laughter without understanding it. The bucket-shaped pony on the table is lifted up by magic so she can see everypony else. She starts to vibrate as she speaks.
“Oh stop laughing, you all look ridiculous as well!” she says, her face going red.
“You look like a jelly, Dash!” says Pinkie, between fits of giggles.
“Well, I’m not!” responds Dash, as a laughing Twilight sets her back down in the centre of the table. “And how come you got here ok?”
“..you’re right, Rainbow Dash” she says, standing . You all get to have fun going to pieces like this, and I’ve not even tried it!”
“What? Pinkie, this isn’t a game, don’t-“
Pinkie suddenly shoved an entire hoof down her own throat before Twilight or anyone else could stop her. She rummaged about for a few moments, as if searching for something. Then she pulled. What happens next goes past in a blur. For a moment it looks as if her body is physically deflating. Then something emerges from her throat. In a flash, Pinkie Pie launches her entire skeleton out of her body, sending it flying across the room. It lands with a thud against the far wall, and promptly falls to pieces, bones scattering like bowling pins. Her skin and organs deflate into a squishy ball on her chair.
You take this moment to survey the room. You look at the decapitated head of Fluttershy, staring at the mess of bones that lay around the floor. You see both of Rarities halves do a perfectly synchronized facehoof, sending a few inches of brain out of their skulls. Across from her stands Applejack, who doesn’t really react to this at all, other than cocking her head and staring at where the rest of Pinkie still was. You can see Rainbow looking around as she asks what the hell just happened, her vision limited to what’s directly above her.
And you look at Twilight, who is standing there with a look of exasperation on her face. She turns to you and shrugs, before addressing the rest of the room.
“Right. Well,uh…now that we’re all present, how about I explain what’s going on?”
There is a moment of silence before Rarity’s dead-pan voices echoes around the room.
“Do go on.”
“Can Pinkie hear us?” asks Fluttershy.
“Well if she can’t, then she has only herself to blame” says Twilight, simply. “Now, there’s something you all need to know about Alicorns. We are basically immortal. In every way.”
“Really? How come you’re in one piece then?” asks Rainbow.
“Well, that’s a good point Rainbow, and I did think that you may be skeptical. As such, I have taken the precaution of preparing a-“
As she was speaking, something blurred across Twilight’s throat. She gasped, and then her head tumbled off her neck and onto the floor, rolling to a stop at your feet. You stare at her as she takes in what happened, eyes looking up at you. Then you look across and see one of the Rarities levitating Pinkie’s spine in the air.
“Sorry, I just thought it was only fair.” She says, not sounding very sorry at all.
“She can still talk,right?” asks the other half. You pick up Twilight and set her on the table. You consider setting her on your lap, but that might set off some…unwanted reactions from your own body. Speaking of bodies, Twilight’s is still standing up somehow, even as a small stream of blood starts to leak out of her stump. It’s kind of impressive actually. You think about the photos you took. Guess you won’t be needing to show them after all…
“Urgh, yes, I can still speak” says Twilight,rolling her eyes. “But maybe warn me next time? Immortal or not, you can’t just cut my head off whenever you want.”
“Duly noted. Teehee.”
“Oh don’t be so mad, Twilight. No need to lose your head over it!” you say. The head on the table audibly suppresses a laugh before continuing.
“Pretty big coincidence” you say.
“Well, maybe. It’s kind of spooky how luck turned out. Maybe it’s destiny?” suggests Twilight.
“I don’t think I like this destiny.” Mutters Fluttershy.
“Either way, we should all be fine, as long as our bodies aren’t complete destroyed. Think of it as a blessing.”
“Yeah, I sure feel blessed” says the bucket-shaped Rainbow Dash.
“Apples” adds Applejack, insight-fully.
“Hmm…good to know, I suppose. It will make our next adventure seem much safer” say the Rarities. They stand up as one, throwing their dresses off, and keeping their insides in with magic. The left one takes the right one’s hoof. “Well, it’s been fun. Shall we?”
“Let’s”
They realign themselves carefully. In a matter of moments, you see the split between the two disappear. Rarity closes her eyes for a moment, and then opens them again.
“Well, that was fun. I must try that again for when I need a second opinion that I can trust. Still, it’s good to be back in one piece.”
“I would also like to be back in one piece, actually.” Says Fluttershy.
“Yeah, me too!” adds Dash
“But you are in one piece” you say. She wiggles in your direction like an angry, sentient flan.
“You know what I mean! Twilight, fix me already!”
Twilight strokes her chin thoughtfully.
“Well…it might be tricky. I think I can get you back to normal eventually, if my theories right. Pinkie’s just a matter of patience…”
“Apples” suggests Applejack,hopefully.
“And yes, somepony put her brain back in her head when you get a chance, she’s probably going stir crazy in that jar.” Says Twilight. “Fluttershy, you said your body was eaten by your animals?”
“That’s right. Is that a problem?”
“Well…I might have to research a spell for that. If the matter has been destroyed, that’s tricky…oh, I know! I’ll ask the princesses! I bet they know! Spike, come with me and prepare a letter. And Rarity, can you put Pinkie and AJ together again?”
“Of course, dear. After that I may go back to check up on Sweetie, if you don’t mind.”
“Of course, Rarity. Spike, can you put me back on my body!”
“Sure thing!” you say. You pick her head up and place it back on her body, the wound healing up in a matter of seconds. Twilight goes to take a step, then almost falls over. You look at her, then gulp.
“Oh.Uh, woops.”
Twilight stares back at you, annoyed, as the rest of her body faces in the opposite direction. You probably should have paid more attention when you were sticking her back on her neck.
“Sorry, Twilight, hehe…”
“Should I cut it off again?” offers Rarity.
“No, no more decapitations! Come on Spike, we have a letter to write. “
With that, she slowly walks out of the room, bumping into the door before she leaves. You follow her, sharing one last embarrassed look with everypony else before following her out. As you leave, you hear one final, inevitable word:
"Apples"
Author's Note
Writing the Rarities was extremely fun
Anatomy Lessons 2: Mane Six Edition
Chapter 3: Fixing things up
“Well?” asks Rarity, as you and Twilight walk back into the room after only about ten minutes. Twilight’s carrying the reply from Celestia with her, holding it with her magic in front of her. Well, behind her. She still had her head on backwards, so was technically walking in reverse. Spike had offered to fix it, but it seems that Twilight had reached her threshold for decapitation for now, and was stubbornly insisting that she was fine the way she was. You let her get on with it-it was too weird a point for you to argue on, really.
“Well, the short version is: We can fix Fluttershy.”
“Oh, thank goodness” says Fluttershy, visibly relieved. “I was worried I would just be a head for the rest of my life. I mean, it’s not the worst thing in the world, but taking after my animals would have been a teensy bit difficult.”
“Well, worry no more!” says Twilight, cheerfully. “It turns out that situations involving the destruction of body matter have happened with the Princesses before. I’ll spare you the EXACT details that Princess Celestia sent me, but-“
“Awww, you can’t not tell us! I bet they’ve gotten up to all kinds of stuff!” says Pinkie. You and Twilight stare at the pink pony.
“Oh, hi Pinkie. You seem to have recovered quickly.” Says Twilight, which was exactly what you were thinking.
“Oh, we just shoved all those bones back inside and gave her a few shakes” says Rarity, who was sitting down in her chair again in a relaxed manner. “It seemed to work out well, didn’t it, Applejack?”
“Yup. In fact, she’s in better shape than you, Twi” drawls Applejack, who had finally had her brain put back in her head. The farmer pony is still missing the top of her head, leaving said brain on full display, but it’s still an improvement on her precious condition. “You turn around too fast or something?” she asks, a hint of amusement in her voice.
“No,” says Twilight, glaring at Rarity, “but we’re getting off topic. She gave me instructions for a spell she created when she…uh, had to. It’s pretty simple really, I just have to-“
“Hey, hold on a minute” you say, scanning the room. “Where did Rainbow go? She wasn’t exactly in a state to fly off”. Rarity shifts a little in her seat, and seems to bite her lip momentarily.
“Rainbow? I…I have no idea.”
“Oh, was Dash here too?” asks Applejack. “I don’t remember much of the past hour or so, truth be told.”
“Oh yeah, she was here alright. She looked like a jelly!” says Pinkie to her fellow earth pony, who looked back blankly. “It’s been one of those days for weird stuff happening. It’s great!”
“Spike’s right though, she can’t have just flown off…” says Twilight, who was now also looking around. “At least I hope she can’t, it’d scare the life out of some poor filly if she saw that coming at her. Wait, did you hear that?” she says, pausing. You all listen intently. At first there’s nothing. Then, very faintly, as though muffled by a layer of pillows…
“Mmmph!”
“Hey, I hear a voice!” you say.
“Yes, I heard it too” says Fluttershy.
“Really? How positively strange. I think it’s just the wind, darling” says Rarity, shifting in her seat again. You see a blue pillow underneath her, which you don’t remember from before. Then it clicks.
“Hey, is that…” you begin, as Rarity’s stoic manner dissolves into giggles.
“Oh, yes, you’ve rumbled me!” she says, as she stands up. Underneath her is what seems at first glance to simply be a cyan pillow like a flattened circle. There is, however, a very angry face on it, which takes a deep breath.
“Finally!” gasps Rainbow Dash. “Rarity, when I get back in shape, I’m gonna-“
Before she can finish, Rainbow pops back into her “original” flan-like shape, vibrating madly and causing her to go cross eyed with dizzies as it subsides. Pinkie nudges Applejack in the side with her elbow.
“See, told you!” she says, as Applejack snorts with laughter at the sight of her friend. Rarity, for her part, looks a little embarrassed, looking over at you and Twilight with a sort of “Aren’t I a rotter” sort of look. You can’t help but laugh at it. Twilight just rolls her eyes, her tail swatting from side to side in irritation in front of her.
“O-kay! If we’re done fooling around then, and Rarity you’re maybe having a bit too much fun with this…”
“Ahaha…ha. Guilty as charged.”
“...I’d like to just quickly try this out. I think I have a handle on it…”
You watch as Twi focuses, eyes narrowed as she mentally wrestles with this new spell. Her horn glows briefly before a soft magical aura flows out of it and towards Fluttershy. The pegasus’s head is surrounded in sparking magic for a few seconds before there is a flash. When you open your eyes again, Fluttershy is whole once more. She moves around unsteadily on her hooves, wings fluttering and tail waging, before she grins.
“Yay!”
“Phew!” says Twi. She goes to wipe her brow with her hoof before realising that she’s just wiping the back of her head and giving up. “Glad that worked. I knew I could count on the Princesses!”
“So…” says Pinkie, “Are we ever gonna hear what they did to invent this spell, ooooor…”
“Never mind that, fix me already!” insists Rainbow, rocking back and forth. Twilight nods and casts the same spell, engulfing the bucket-shaped pegasus in the same magic and producing a similar flash. You open your eyes.
“…It didn’t work! She’s still Rainbow Flan!” you say. It’s true-Dash looks exactly the same. Her eyes go wide in sudden panic.
“W-what?! Am I…stuck like this? Noooo!” she cries, tears forming.” The wonderbolts will never take a recruit shaped like a dessert!”
“Now, now, calm down dear” says Rarity, picking Rainbow up and hugging her against her cheek. “Twilight will fix it. And even if she doesn’t, at least you can take comfort in the fact that you look adorable.”
Twilight looks over the letter while Rainbow wails into Rarity’s comforting cheeks, then gasps.
“Of course!” she says, attempting to smack her forehead in amazement and again failing. “Dash, this spell recreates matter that’s been destroyed. All of your parts are technically still there!” That’s a good point actually, she’s not actually lost anything. You scratch your chin as you think.
“So…how do we fix her?” you ask Twilight.
“Well…I guess I just have to do it the hard way. I’ll need to sort all of her parts out and put her back together manually.”
“What? That sucks!” says Dash.
“Oh, quit your whining Dash” says Applejack, “At least you got all your parts. Mah brain’s sticking out like an eyesore. Don’t suppose that spell’ll work on me, Twi?”
“Well…Celestia says the spell only works on matter that no longer exists, like with Fluttershy’s body being eaten. Your skull was shattered, but the pieces are still around, right?”
“This spell of yours is awfully picky on what it fixes.” Says Applejack, eyebrow rising so high it’s in danger of going into her exposed brain.
“Well, as a matter of fact, I was just going to suggest that I go with Applejack to talk to Sweetie and her friends about all of this.” Offers Rarity. “They ought to know that we’re all ok, after all. Well, maybe not Rainbow just yet” she adds. Rainbow doesn’t even muster the energy to reply, sagging sadly in her jelly-like form.
“Oh, well, if we’re allowed to go now, I think I’ll go back and check on my animals. The poor dears might be worried.”
“Or hungry.” You deadpan.
“Yeah, are you sure it’s wise to go alone, Fluttershy?” asks Twilight.
“I’ll go with her!” says Pinkie Pie. “If anything goes wrong, I’ll bring what’s left right back to you, Twi!...just kidding, Flutters” she says to a rather spooked-looking Fluttershy.
“Well, as long as she’s got somepony with her” says Twilight. She walks over to Rainbow and picks her up with her magic, before turning to you. “Well, number one assistant, ready to put those anatomy lessons to the test?”
=============================================================================================
You are now Sweetie Belle. You and your best friends and fellow Crusaders, Applebloom and Scootaloo, are currently in your home, looking half scared to death. The two of them had just shown up out of the blue, and while normally this would have been a good thing, they were both wild-eyed and jittery. Initial attempts at understanding what had happened had only resulted in the two of them rambling and spluttering what seemed to you like random non-sequiturs. So you had invited them in while Rarity was out-she would be due back soon, but you were sure she wouldn’t object if she saw how distressed they looked.
“So, start from the beginning. Bloom, you first.” You say. Scootaloo looked particularly on edge for some reason. Applebloom took a sip of the cocoa you had made them and then speaks.
“So Applejack was fixing up a new barn earlier today. Then she kinda fell of the side and hit her head. Hard.”
“Oh, no!” you say, genuinely concerned. “Is she ok?” Applebloom thinks a little before answering.
“I…think so. Which is the thing. Her brains were all splattered across the ground. I had to pick ‘em up and put ‘em in a jar. She was kinda spaced out but she weren’t dead or nothing. You gotta believe me, Sweetie, cause ah swear it’s true.”
“Oh, I believe you.” You say, deadpan. Both Bloom and Scootaloo look at you with surprise.
“You…do?” says Scootaloo.
“Oh yeah, sure.” You say.
“Oh. Well…ok.” Says Scootaloo. “Thought you mighta thought we were just being hysterical or something…” You simply shrug.
“Nah, I’ve known for a while that our sisters and kinda unkillable.”
“…What?!” your friends say, as you calmly sip your own mug of hot, steaming cocoa, before sighing.
“Yeah, one time while Rarity was sleeping, Opal was sleeping on her tummy. I came into the room and it must have spooked her, cause she stood up and raked her claws down Rarity and, uh, her insides kind of fell out?”
“Ewww” say your friends, in unison.
“Yeeeeah, I was pretty freaked out. But Rarity just slept through the whole thing like a baby. When I pushed them back in, it all just healed up like it didn’t even happen.”
“So how come you’ve not told anyone?” asked Scootaloo. I’d have told, like, everyone!”
“Well how do you tell somepony that their insides fell out while they were sleeping?” you say, shrugging once again. “She was fine when she woke up and I guess I just pretended it never happened. Made sure to get Opal’s claws trimmed though…” Your friends look around, as if the cat was lying in wait to do some sort of deadly harm. Luckily she was asleep in Rarities room, as far as you know. “So, has she found out, then?”
“Oh yeah. She got cut in half down the middle” said Applebloom, indicating the cut with her hoof. “So now there’s two of her, kinda.”
“Cool!”
“…Is it?”
“What about Rainbow, Scootaloo?” you ask, ignoring Applebloom’s unsure question. “Did something gross happen to her?” The pegasus looks around again, before grinning devilishly. She reached around and produced a small, blueish cube. You and Applebloom lean in and stare at it.
“…Hey, is that her-“
“Yup! Rainbow got diced up like an onion. I seen this on the pile and, well, couldn’t resist!” You frown a little.
“That’s not very nice.” You say. “Are you going to return it? I think she'd miss that part of her."
"I sure would!" chimes in Applebloom. Scootaloo nods slowly in agreement.
“Yeah, Rainbow’ll probably be mad at me. I was gonna return it at the castle, but I kinda choked and just kept it.” She turns the cube over in her hood, showing off the reddish flesh on the other side. “Still, it’s pretty cool. I wonder if she can feel it when I-“
“Sweetie Belle, darling? I’m home!”
The three of you gaps and spin around. Rarity and Applejack make their way into the room. Rarity is in one piece, which is at once both hugely relieving and slightly disappointing-you had been imagining in your head what it would be like having two Rarities around. Or, two half Rarities to be more accurate. Applejack is also in one piece…mostly.
“Howdy y’all. Uh, don’t mind this, it’s just a flesh wound” says Applejack, pointing at her head. “Looks worse than it is.” You stare at what is very obviously her brain, which seems to gently wobble as her head moves around. You glance at Scootaloo, who had quickly managed to stow her little “trophy” away-you’re not sure where she’s keeping it, but you hope for her sake it stays hidden. Your sister would consider it most unlady-like.
“Sweetie, dear, sorry if I’ve worried you” Rarity says, walking up to you and nuzzling you affectionately. “Have your friends…informed you of the situation?”
“Yeah, I know.” You say. You decide to keep your prior knowledge a secret for now. It would just complicate things further you feel, and you didn’t want to start explaining how you knew and why you didn’t tell her. “I’m glad your ok.”
“Yes, well, it was all a bit odd, and I can’t promise that similar events won’t happen in future. I will do my best to remain in as few pieces as possible” she says, smiling. You both hug, and you see out of the corner of your eye that Applejack is doing the same to her own sister, who is trying her best to ignore her sister’s brain being so close to her face.
“Is Rainbow ok?” asks Scootaloo, nervously.
“Well…she should be.” Says Rarity. “It’s all a bit complicated, but Twilight has every confidence that she can restore Rainbow to her former glory. Why, I’m sure that she’s just about back together as we speak!”
“Next!”
You are Spike again, and you’re very bored. It turned out that individually going through all of Rainbow’s compressed parts, fishing them out, then reassembling them is rather tedious. You had cut her in half like she was a blue meat pie, and had been pulling out whatever you could see one at a time so that Twilight could record it and place it in some sort of order. Rainbow’s insides in her current format were a confusing, formless mesh of bones and organs, and it seemed to you that she was somewhat bigger on the inside than the outside. The novelty had worn away after the first hour though. Now it was like a very gory jigsaw puzzle.
“How much longer?” whine Rainbow Dash, as you yank out what you assume are some ribs.
“Uh…I think we’re about two thirds done?”you guess. “Honestly, it’s hard to tell. Twilight?” You turn to the alicorn for help. She’s lying down with her legs neatly tucked in, head still facing entirely the wrong way but a big grin plastered on her face, clearly engrossed in her work.
“Oh, yeah, that sounds about right. It should get easier the emptier she gets.” Says Twilight, not looking up from her work. Beside her is a mostly skeletal form, lying on its side, with some muscles and organs placed here and there. There is a big beating heart right where the ribcage will shortly be when you’ve fished out all of the parts for it. Twilight finishes attaching some muscles to the legs, and looks over. “Oh, this is so educational! It’s one thing doing this to yourself, but it’s so interesting to put somepony else back together!” she says, cheerfully.
“Well, next time, ask Pinkie to do this.” Says Rainbow, clearly fed up. Her form had deflated somewhat as more parts where taken out of her, so she now looked like a very out of date dessert. “Speaking off, you think her and Fluttershy will be ok?”
“Oh, they’ll be fine” says Twilight. “Fluttershy has total control over her animals. They only ate her cause she let them.”
“Yeah, I know, I just think that Pppppfffff….”
Before Rainbow can finish her sentence, her shape deflates even more as you yank something round and hard out of her. You raise it to your face and see her skull staring at you, unblinkingly, her eyes nevertheless betraying her annoyance.
“Oh, woops. Well, might as well connect her up. Here ya go, Twilight!”
You lob the skull over to Twilight, who almost drops it in shock.
“Spike, be more careful with that!” she admonishes.
“What, in case she gets hurt?” you say, nodding at her partially assembled skeleton. Twilight looks at it and then back to you.
“Yeah, sure. She wouldn’t want to spend the night like this….”
===========================================================================================
You are now Angel Bunny, and you feel bad. This doesn’t happen very often-you are a fairly self-confident young bunny, after all. So when you do feel bad about something, it tends to be over something big. You think that watching Fluttershy get devoured counts. You didn’t take part in the feast, of course, not being one for meat, but you still feel like you could have done more than “exactly nothing”. You did see Fluttershy talking normally to some mail pony even when she was reduced to merely a head, so you hope that she’s ok, and that she’s not too mad when she comes back.
You’re currently sitting on a very high shelf, safely out of reach of the various larger animals that have moved in since the events earlier on. They weren’t acting aggressively or anything, but you certainly weren’t going to be taking any chances after seeing them tear into your owners body just hours ago. You were just going to wait here until all of this blew over. Which you were sure would be any time now…
“…so please don’t do anything before I do, ok?”
“Okey dokey! Do anything before you do it!”
“P-Pinkie, that’s not what I said…” says the first voice, which you recognize at once as Fluttershy’s. She’s coming back! She’ll save you! Er, you mean, sort out the mess. All of her body had been eaten at least, so she wouldn’t have that to worry about. You hear the clopping of their hoofs as the two ponies approach the door.
“Ok, I’m going to just open the door and say hi. Let me do the talking, they were rather grumpy this morning.”
“Sure thing!”
The door opens, and in jumped a pony who was absolutely not Fluttershy. You recognize her as one of her friends though. She stands on her two hindlegs in the middle of a room full of startled carnivores, as though she was at a kids party.
“Heya gang!” she cries. It’s all she manages before being enveloped in a furry swarm. You avert your tiny eyes and hold your paws to your ears, trying to blot out the sound. You slowly count to ten, take some deep breaths, and look back down. Fluttershy is in the centre of the room, and-oh, she’s using the Stare. Every animal there-from the wolves to the raccoons and everything else currently helping themselves to some fresh meat-stand like statues, helpless under her gaze.
“I’m not mad.” She states, her voice soft but the words heavier than stone, as she starts walking forwards towards the remains of her friend. “But I’m very disappointed in you all.” The words hit like a cannon. Some of the poor things visibly flinch, and they all immediately drop whatever body-part they had snagged and grovel at Fluttershy’s feet, mewling and whimpering. She keeps Staring, with a capital S.
“I expect you all to help tidy up the mess you’ve made.” She says. “After that we’ll all say sorry, ok?” All present enthusiastically nod before getting to work, picking up the litter lying around, dusting the floors and the walls, and so on. As they work, Fluttershy spots you and flies up to your shelf, picking you up and hugging you.
“Oh, I’m glad you’re safe Angel Bunny, I don’t know what I would have done if you got hurt.” She whispers. You shudder to think what a genuinely angry Fluttershy would have done, as you wordlessly hug her right back. She sets you down on a chair.
“Wow-ee, that felt…really weird.” Said Pinkie Pie. She was currently armless and legless, with her ribcage broken open to expose her heart and lungs.
“Why did you do that?” says Fluttershy, as she gathers up the various pieces of Pinkie lying around.
“I couldn’t just let you be the first to walk in to the lions den! Even if there were no lions…”
“Oh, it’s ok Pinkie” said Fluttershy, as she rolled a loose leg towards her friend. “They wouldn’t have hurt me. Well, not if I said not to.”
“Well it’s ok, they didn’t hurt me either. No harm done!” said the limbless pony. “They must really like pony meat!” she added. Then her face lit up like a lightbulb. “Oh. My. Gosh. I’ve just had the greatest idea ever!”
You look up at Fluttershy, who’s face has fallen.
“Oh, no…”
Anatomy Lessons 2: Mane Six Edition
The good news is that you and Twilight were able to put Rainbow Dash back together with nearly no complications. The bad news is that the “nearly” part of that sentence was something of a stickler for Rainbow, as it turns out that no matter how hard you looked, there was a certain part of her that was missing. She is not happy about this.
“That no good little squirt!” she yells, shaking her hoofs at the heavens. “She’s bagged my vag!”
“Rainbow, calm down!” said a visibly blushing Twilight. “Let’s just double check the castle, it must be lying around here somewhere. Spike, you’ve not…um…seen anything?” she asks. You sigh.
“No, Twilight. Pretty sure I would have mentioned if I had seen something like that lying around.”
“That’s true.” Says Twilight, who then makes the mistake of giggling, earning her a furious stare from the irate pegasus. “Oh, sorry Rainbow, this is obviously very distressing for you-“
“Darn right it is! Looks at me!” says Rainbow, turning around and raising her tail. Where there would have normally been a pair of dark-blue lips was now featureless skin. She shakes her rumps to emphasis its alien nature.
“Look at me, I’m like a doll! Ponies shouldn’t be blank down there, it’s just weird!” she said, wiggling her butt at you and Twilight with aggravated vigour. “I can’t even feel anything, cause some pervert pegasus stole my hole!”
“Rainbow, not in front of Spike! He’s still young!”
“Uh, yeah, just an…innocent teenage dragon, hehe…” you mutter. “I can’t believe somepony would do something like this, right?”
“Dash, can you please stop using rude synonyms for your-“
“I know, I know, sorry Twi. I just feel so let down.” Says Rainbow, with an air of wounded dignity. “I treat that kid good, let her come to my death-trap runs, and in return she goes and hunts my c-“
“Rainbow!” shouts Twilight, stopping the ranting Dash mid-sentence. “You’ve clearly made your point. We’ll get it back, don’t worry. Just chill out here for a while, ok?”
“Stay here?! No way, I’m going to go find that snatch-catching filly and…and…oh just wait till I get my hooves on her!”
“I’m not letting you out of the castle until you calm down, you’re liable to do something crazy, or start shouting about how Scootaloo stole your genitals because you got sliced up into itty-bitty pieces.”
“Well SOMEPONY’s gotta go get it back! Are you gonna go ask her?”
“Well…”
At that moment, the door to Twilight’s room opens up. In walk the rest of Twilight’s friends, sans Pinkie Pie. Fluttershy is carrying some sort of white bag, and judging by the rather awkward expression on her face, and the way that the bag is moving around like a sack of weasels, you feel like you can make an intelligent guess as to its contents. Sure enough, Fluttershy opens up the bag and out rolls a hyperactive pink ball.
“Heya everypony!” says Pinkie’s head, cheerfully. “So I’ve just had the best idea ever!”
“Pinkie, oh my gosh, are you ok?!” says Twilight, before pausing. “Oh…well, I know you’re immortal and everything, but what I mean is, are you…what happened?”
“Oh, just a little misunderstanding with my animals” says Fluttershy. “It’s ok though, they were awfully sorry and we’re all friends again. Right, Pinkie Pie?”
“Yup!” says Pinkie’s head, smiling a toothy smile. “So, anyway, as they were eating my intestines, I thought to myself…oh hey Spike!” she says, noticing you. “Did you and Twi manage to put Rainbow back together then?”
“Yes.”
“No!” says Rainbow. “They didn’t have the most important part, because Scootalo swiped my…uh…clipe?” she said, her eyes crossing as she tried to think. “Hang on a minute, I had some more good ones…”
“What the hay is she talking about?” asked Applejack, as Twilight shook her head.
“We think Scootaloo may have, um, borrow her…mareparts.” She says, quietly. Rarity and Applejack immediately snort with laughter, as Rainbow starts to glow a rather impressive shade of furious blood red. “I was thinking I should go round and get them back-“
“Oooh, you should send Spike!” says Pinkie pie, her head practically bouncing up and down. You look at her, confused by her suggestion.
“Becaaaaaause…you just should!” says Pinkie Pie. “It might be super cool if you, you know, left us alone for an hour or so?” She looks up at you in a pleading way. You look across to Twilight, who shrugs, none the wiser as to what Pinkie is planning. “Besides, Twilight would look pretty still walking around like that?”
“Like what?” asked Twilight, before looking down at her own back, apparently forgetting that her head was still on back to front. “Ah, good point. Well, if you cut my head off again I can fix it! Oh that sounds so weird to say, still…”
“Don’t worry Twi, it’s ok.” You say. “I’ll go find her and get your…parts back, Rainbow.” You say, looking at the still mortified pegasus. “I’m gonna borrow this bag though. I don’t exactly want to walk through town carrying your bits in my claws.”
“You make sure to tell Scootaloo that I’m extremely upset, ok!” shouts Dash as you exit the room. You hear Pinkie begin to whisper excitedly in a hushed tone, but you can’t quite make out what she’s saying. Well, whatever it is, you’re sure that you’ll hear all about it when you get back to the castle. It’s probably just some silly minor thing. Or it could be something completely crazy. It was Pinkie Pie, after all…
====================================================================================================
It’s getting a little dark as you ask about town for any sighting of a certain orange pegasus. You hear that she had been seen with the rest of the crusaders coming out of the boutique just a little while ago, but that they had all went off by herself somewhere, probably to wherever it is that she actually lives. Good thing, too. This task was embarrassing enough just having to ask Scootaloo, so you’d rather do it alone if at all possible.
As you walk through town, feeling the cold wind on your scales, you You walk around town for a little bit before, by complete luck, finding her walking down a quiet part of town that you don’t remember visiting all that much, filled with small, sleepy houses. You call her name, and she turns around, alarmed, before she recognises you.
“Spike? What are you doing out here?” she asks. She’s got a little felt bag around her neck. You don’t have to be a detective to figure out the contents. She even holds a hoof to it, perhaps subconsciously protecting it. Too little, too late. You come close to her before dropping your voice to a whisper.
“Hey, Scoots…uh…” you begin, wondering how to word this particular request. “So…I was talking to Rainbow earlier-“
“You did?!” she says, clear as a whistle, before you indicate for her to be quiet. “Uh, I mean…you did, huh?” she continues, now also whispering. You nod your head slowly, looking into her eyes with what you hope was a certain amount of authority. She fidgets with the bag around her neck, embarrassed. Scootaloo nods her head towards a nearby alleyway. The street’s deserted but you follow her down there anyway. When you’re tucked away from view, she quietly fishes her prize out of the bag and shows it to you wordlessly, holding her hooves up at you.
You can’t help but stare at the little chunk of dark blue flesh in her hooves. You can see a hint of pink lying just behind the lips. It looks surprisingly moist for a detached piece of flesh. You hear a small chuckle, and look down at Scootaloo, who’s studying your face with an amused look. You shake your head and start to open the bag that you brought with you.
“I bet she’s pretty mad at me, huh. Rainbow Dash, that is.” She says, smiling ruefully. You pause mid transaction and nod your head.
“Yyyyyup.” You say. She laughs again, but you can tell she’s not feeling great about this. She opens her mouth a few times, as if trying to explain herself, but all that she manages are a few half-formed, abandoned words before giving up and falling silent. You feel bad for her. It’s a bad thing to do, but hey, it’s not like you can throw any stones from your spot inside your own glass house. You seriously consider telling her about your own little mishaps, before deciding against it. No point stoking that fire. And at the end of the day, your fear of Twilight ever finding out what you got up to with her own parts outweighs your desire to tell Scootaloo that you know how she feels. Still, you try to assuage her fears a little.
“She’ll get over it. She’s mad, but she gets mad at a lot of things, then calms down about it later. I’ll tell her you’re really sorry and she’ll be fine come the morning, trust me.” You say. She looks up and smiles at you weakly, nodding.
“Thanks, Spike. I wish I’d never done it now. Uh…you don’t think I’m weird, do you?”
“Of course not.” You say, shifting on your feet a little as you speak. “I mean, you know, these things happen. Well, obviously not this EXACT thing, I mean…you know, you get curious, I get that.”
“But you must get curious too, right?” she says, getting a little closer to you. “I mean, you’ve lived with Twilight all this time. Haven’t you ever…you know…” Oh man, it must be a warm night or something, because you’re sweating up a storm all of a sudden. You decide to simply ignore this line of questioning and get down to business, taking the hunk of flesh from Scootaloo and bagging it in one swift motion, trying not to focus on how impossibly soft it felt, or the slight wetness that now lingered on your claws.
“Thanks, Scootaloo” you say. The orange pegasus nods. She seems…disappointed, somehow, no doubt hoping that you would have given her more of an answer. Sorry kid, no such luck. You bid her goodbye and start to make your way back to the castle, stepping lightly through the darkening streets.
The castle is quiet when you get back. You assume that the other girls all went home, although you thought that Rainbow would have stuck around at the very least. You call out for Twilight as you head towards her room, and she has soon teleported in front of you, albiet facing the “wrong” way. She turns herself around so that she can actually look at you face first, and you can’t help but notice that the purple alicorn is looking rather flustered.
“Spike, you’re back!” she says. “That was quick!”
“Yeah, I found her walking around town. And I got the goods!” you say, indicating your bag.
“Great job, Spike. I’ll make sure to give it to Rainbow first thing tomorrow.”
“Why did she leave before getting it back?” you ask. “She seemed pretty torn up about it. Heh. No pun intended.”
“Oh, you know Rainbow.” says Twilight. “She’s always just flying off on a moment’s notice, haha!” She smiles at you before taking the bag off you. She can’t resist taking a little peak inside, opening it up and putting her eye to the entrance. “Yup, there it is alright. Looks in good condition, too! Uh, as in, it’s not damaged.” Twilight quickly closes the bag and clears her throat. “Anyway, boy am I tired after today. How about we hit the hay?”
“Already?” you say. “Actually I was gonna go down to the kitchen and fix up something to eat-“
“No, don’t!” says Twilight, tensing up in front of you. You give her a curious look, and she awkwardly loosens up again. “Well, I mean, you’ve been working so hard today, how about you just go upstairs and I’ll make you something!”
“Uh…sure, whatever. See you there.” You say, not really getting why Twilight is acting so weird. You were just gonna get a sandwich or something, what was the big deal? But it is kinda late, and you are kinda tired, so you’re not going to protest too much. You make your way upstairs as Twi teleports away. As you go, you swear that you can smell something in the air, but you’ve no idea what it is. It’s not an unpleasant smell, by any means. Just unusual.
It’s a little while before Twilight appears in the bedroom with a sandwich on a plate, which looks pretty appetising to your eyes. You take the plate off her and thank her.
“Are you ever gonna get that fixed?” you ask, pointing at her head as you go to pick up your meal.
“Tomorrow. It’s not that bad when you get used to it.” Answers Twilight, flexing her neck left and right as she talks. “Well, not bad enough that I feel like cutting my head off to fix it at any rate. And besides, sometimes it’s good to approach life from a different perspective!”
“I don’t think that’s quite what they meant when they coined that phrase” you say, before taking a bite out of your meal. Your eyes light up as you taste the contents. “Wow, this tastes amazing!” you say, savouring your mouthful.
“Don’t talk with your mouth full, Spike.”
“Sorry, sorry. But this is…I’ve not tasted anything quite like this before! What’s in it!”
“Well, Pinkie said that-uh, I mean, I picked a new…sauce!” says Twilight, smiling nervously at you. If you hadn’t been busy eating the tastiest sandwhich ever you might have picked up on something unusual there. As it is you happily accept the alicorn’s explanation and continue to munch away until it’s finished.
“Whatever that was, I hope there’s more!” you say when you’re done. Twilight giggles.
“Oh, I’m sure there is. Now, quick reading session to let your meal digest and then it’s bedtime, ok? I have a feeling we might have a big day tomorrow…”
===========================================================================================
“Don’t come in yet!” said a voice. Looks like you were right
“Pinkie? What are you doing here so early? What’s going on?”
“Juuuuust a minute Spike! Rarity, stop fussing about that and just-there, perfect. Okey-dokey Spike, come oooooon iiiiiin!”
You open the door. The first thing to hit you is the smell. It’s same scent from last night, but this time amplified to about a hundred. Whatever it is, it’s mixed in with some other, more delicate scents, but this one smell rises above them all in a way that seems almost overpowering. You strain to place or describe it. Then you take a look at the table before you and it hits you like a speeding train.
“Surprise!” say five voices. Every one of Twilight’s friends are present, bar Twilight herself. Well, you say they’re present. Five severed heads smile up at you on the table. Each one is lying next to a silver plate containing some sort of meal. You can barely focus on their contents, between the aroma of cooked meat and the general unexpected weirdness that you’ve just wandered in to. Pinkie seems to notice that you’re just kind of staring blankly, and offers an explanation.
“So I had this a-MAZING idea when I got eaten the other day! Now that we’re all super duper immortal, and Twilight can regrow the bits that get eaten, how about I FINALLY get to try out my big book of Griffon cuisine and make our favourite omnivore Spike a feast! Ta-daaaa!” She says, breathlessly. You’re not really sure what to say.
“Uh…thanks?” you eventually manage. “I mean, I’ve never really eaten meat, and…well, this seems kinda a lot of effort.”
“It’s certainly not how I envisaged spending the morning.” Says Rarity. “But you’ve been such a dear over the last day or so, and it’s not quite the commitment that it is for, well, normal ponies.”
“Pinkie seemed so eager to try it, it was hard to say no.” admits Fluttershy. “And Twilight said it would be good both for you and for her, if it helps her practice her new spell…”
“Where is Twilight anyway?” you ask.
“Later, later! Your foods getting cold, you haven’t even looked at it yet!” says Pinkie. She’s right-you’ve barely registered what’s in front of you. “Rarity’s the starter, try her first!” You look across at Rarity. There’s a bowl of what looks rather like soup in front of you. In fact that’s exactly what it is. It’s a smooth, browny red colour, littered with chunks of what you presume is Rarity’s meat and some assorted vegetables, with a small plate of buttered bread to the side of it. You walk over and pick up a spoon before hesitating, look down at Rarity’s head. She rocks a little back and forward, and you realise that it’s her attempt at an encouraging nod. You dip your spoon in and try it.
“Well? How am I?” she asks, giggling slightly. “Isn’t it just wonderfuly elegant, like moi? I’m not a culinary expert, but I can’t imagine a classier starter.”
“It’s…good” you say, slowly. “Weird, but definitely good.” You try another spoonful. It seems oddly familiar, actually. But you’ve never eaten anything like this, right? Then your eyes light up. “Hey, I tasted this last night!”
“Yup!” Says Pinkie Pie. “Twilight asked me to make something for you, so I snuck in a little pony meat with special sauce! Like it?” she asks, grinning. You do. Spike like. You dunk some bread in and take some more spoonfuls before moving on to some other courses, mindful of how much food there was to get through.
Fluttershy is next. She looks rather more embarrassed about all of this than Rarity does. On her plate is a small brown package filled with some sort of stuffing, surrounded by mashed potatoes and some other vegetables. You poke it with a fork and the stuffing falls out, but your none the wiser to what it actually is. It looks like a mixture of what must be meat and other, more traditional pony food like oatmeal and some other stuff. You take a curious bite. It’s actually pretty good! A little spicy, actually.
“I-Is it good?” asks Fluttershy, as you help yourself to some more.
“You’re great, Fluttershy!” you say, earning a relived smile. “What is this, anyway?”
“Oh, I don’t know, Pinkie made it after she…um, cut my head off. She said it’s called a…haggis?”
“A haggis?” you say, laughing. “Heh, what the heck is a haggis?”
“It’s her heart, lungs and liver minced up and cooked inside her stomach!” Pinkie say, cheerfully, as you go to take another mouthful. You pause, eyeing the contents of the plate warily, as Fluttershy’s face goes rather pale.
“Oh. Um…neat. Well, I think I’ve had enough for now…” you say, quickly moving on to the next dish.
“You won’t need to worry about anything weird with me, partner!” says Applejack. “Uh, no offense, Fluttershy.” She adds. Her plate looks simple enough. It’s just big hunks of meat, basically. A fairly large, brown slice of her sits in the middle of the plate, flanked by two portions of what looked like her ribs. It was coated with a barbeque sauce, and smelled pretty appetizing to your inexperienced nose. At her encouragement, you pick up a rack of her ribs with your claws and take some bites.
“Woah, now THIS is good! You say, enthusiastically, leaving Applejack smiling smugly as you dig in to the rich, savoury goodness of her meat. “Now I get why meat’s so popular with griffons. And dragons, actually. Thanks, Applejack!”
“Aww shucks, ain’t nothing.” Said the blonde-maned head in front of you. “Thank Pinkie for being such a good cook.” You take a few bites out of the steak before you feel yourself getting a little full. You decide to move on, hoping that whatever’s next is as good as that was.
“You think THAT was good? Hah!” says Rainbow Dash. “This is REAL food.” You walk over and inspect her plate. She’s been made into little tubes of meat, shoved into buns and covered in a mixture of sauces and toppings. Some have ground meat and cheese on them. She looks awfully proud of herself. “Gilda told me about these in flight school, told me they were her favourite when she was little. Go on, try ‘em out!”
“Spike, what are you doing? That’s my…you know! My thing!” she says, in a loud stage whisper.
“So being ground up into little meat tubes is fine, but bringing you back the parts you were missing isn’t?” you say, smiling. “Besides, no one can see it if I place it here, they’re all turned in the other direction.”
“I can see it!” says Pinkie Pie. “It’s super cute! I wouldn’t put it so close to those hot dogs though, looks kinda…”
“Pinkie!”
Everyone laughs, including you, as Rainbow sits there fuming. You take a bun and bite into it. It’s actually pretty decent, and you quickly wolf down a couple before moving on to Pinkie, hoping that you don’t go on to regret eating so much so early in the day. When you see what lies on Pinkie’s plate, you can’t help but laugh again.
“Let me guess: Pinkie Pie?”
“Yup!” she says. You really shouldn’t have expected anything else. You slice into it with a knife and fork. The idea of meat in a pie kind of weirds you out, but you play along and take a few bites. It’s filled with some sort of rich gravy as well as her meat. Tasty, but extremely filling. You only manage a another few bites before signalling that you’re finally full.
"Awww, am I not tasty?" asked Pinkie.
"Oh no, you're uh, great, Pinkie!" you say, reassuring her. “But if I eat another bite then I think Twi will have to cast that reforming spell on me as well” . You sit down heavily on a chair and rub your somewhat bloated stomach with your claws.
“Are you sure about that, Spike?” says Pinkie. “Because you’re forgetting something. Or rather…somepony.” You look up and, sure enough, you notice a sixth platter in the middle of the table that has somehow escaped your attention until now. It’s covered with a large silver lid. Rarity’s horn lights up and pushes it towards you with her magic. You grab the lid, feeling nervous for some bizarre reason (or perhaps just really full) and pull the lid up.
“Hi Spike!” says Twilight’s head. The top of her skull has been removed, exposing her brain, which has been doused with what looks like strawberry sauce, sprinkles and covered some slices of banana. “I’m your dessert, haha!”
“Wow…you really went all out for this.” You say, picking up a fresh spoon.
“Well, you deserve it. You’ve been wonderfully mature and helpful considering all the…well, crazy stuff that’s been happening. I think giving you a little treat like this is the least we can do."
"Thanks, Twi." you say, rubbing the back of your head bashfully. A little part of you feels a little ashamed. If she knew what you had gotten up to, maybe she wouldn't have been so willing to try this...
"And this will give me a good opportunity to try a new version of that spell I learned from the Princess!”
“Really?” you say, taking a spoonful of brain and chowing down on it. It’s the weirdest tasting think you’ve eaten so far, but in a way, just the idea of what you’re eating makes it worthwhile. You’re literally devouring Twilight’s consciousness. Her eyes twitch a little as you continue, and she attempts to explain her magical theory.
“Well, the previous spell works by creating new…uh…what’s the word…” she says, eyes rolling around either in thought or just as a result of your eating.
“Matter?” you suggest, taking another helping and chewing it up.
“Yeah, something like that, hehe! I make it new again with magic!” she says. “Hahaha. But if you eat my…brains? I can’t do it well…”
“Yessee! I make magic good better” says Twilight, going gradually more cross-eyed. “Uh…me not think it good now. Hahaha.” She added. Then she blew a raspberry with her tongue. From that point on her conversational skills only went further south as you finished off the rest of her brain, somehow finding room for the entire thing despite the literally feast you had went through beforehand. When you’re finished she’s staring blankly ahead, lolling her tongue and making random sounds.
“Ok, now I’m definitely done.” you say, belching. You pick up Twilight’s head, which now feels very light in your claws, and study her vacant but happy face. “So, now what? I didn’t really catch what she was saying.”
“Oh, Twilight explained it to us before, darling.” says Rarity, calmly. “She said that she had put her spell on a timer of sorts, so that it would go off at a certain time. In fact if my calculations are correct, it should be any moment now!”
“Really? That’s convenient.”
“Well you know Twilight, she’s good at planning.”
You wait a little while for the spell to kick in. After a few minutes of silence, punctuated by the brainless Twilight’s babbling, you look across uneasily at the others.
“You…sure this will work?” you ask.
“Just hold on a minute, Spike, she’ll be back in action in a jiffy.” Assures Applejack.
After another five minutes, you start to tap your foot and exchange worried glances with the others.
“Uh….so….”
“Aaaaany second now!” says Pinkie.
About ten minutes later, Twilight’s friends start to panic.
“We’re doomed! I’m gonna be hot dogs for the rest of my life!” wails Rainbow, as the other heads start chattering hysterically. She looks sadly at her detached genitals lying near her. “I hope we can still be friends…”
“Everyone calm down, don’t panic!” you say, raising your voice above the din. You try to get their attention by waving your arms for silence, forgetting that you were holding Twilight’s head in your claw, but luckly she doesn't seem to mind that.You gingerly put her back down on the table before continuing. “It’s ok, remember that Twilight’s not the only one that knows this spell.” Rarity gasps.
“You don’t mean…”
“Yup.” you say, nodding and folding your arms across your chest. “Looks like I have a letter to write..."
Anatomy Lessons 2: Mane Six Edition
Luckily, it’s a fairly quick wait before Princess Celestia arrived. You spend the minutes pacing up and down, trying to reassure the others-and possibly yourself- that everything was going to be fine. The girls, reduced to head and leftover meat, seem rather anxious at how their little treat for Spike had met with an unexpected complication. The only one that seems calm about any of this was Twilight, and that was only because she no longer has a brain. You had moved her to the head of the table (such was your distress that you couldn’t even take the time to appreciate that quality pun), so that she was facing the girls and the dining room doors. The alicorn head just smiles lazily, giggling and drooling. It doesn’t really help with the tense atmosphere, if you’re being honest.
The door to the dining room suddenly opens after only about five or so minutes, bathing the room with a golden light, and in steps the graceful, looming figure of Princess Celestia herself. She walks forward, her face betraying no emotion as she takes in the room. First her eyes go to the leftover meals, then the severed heads, and you hastily try to turn around so that they were facing the princess. And finally there’s the babbling, empty head of her fellow princess and most cherished student, Twilight Sparkle. You watch her face, butterflies in your stomach. You’re unsure what sort of mood the ruler of Equestria will be in now that she’s seen what’s happened. You may have left out the exact details of what had went on. You quickly run your tongue along you teeth, hoping that there isn’t any brain stuck to them.
“P-princess Celestia!” you say, waving and putting on a big smile for the alicorn. “Haha, thanks for coming! So, about that little problem I mentioned-“ you stop as the princess’s stern face dissolves into a gentle laugh. The heads of the Elements exchange confused, if relieved looks with each other, or at least the ones they can actually see from their positon on the table, not being able to turn their heads.
“Ah, Twilight. A beginner’s error if I ever saw it.” Says Celestia, shaking her head and smiling. “Yes, this shouldn’t be too hard to fix. We had to develop a spell of our own to fix this.”
“You mean you and Princess Luna?” you ask. Celestia nods, walking up to Twilight, who sees her approaching and blows a raspberry in response.
“Hehehe, hello pretty white!” says Twilight, as Celestia stares at the hollowed out head of her former student. You bite your lip. Celestia had seen the funny side, but felt the need to clarify a few things.
“It wasn’t my idea!” you blurt out. “They made me do it!”
“Huh? Hey, don’t rat us out, Spike!” scowled Rainbow, although they were all now facing in the opposite direction, so all you see is the back of her head. “You said she was tasty!” Celestia looks at you as you wipe some sweat from your scales.
“Ummm, well, you see, haha, so funny story-“
“Spike, it’s quite alright. I imagine her brains really were very tasty” says Celestia, staring down into the purple princess’s skull. “I can tell you that Luna’s brain is quite a delicious treat, although it’s been a rather long time since I’ve had the chance to try them.” Behind them, hearing this, Pinkie Pie’s head begins to vibrate with excitement.
“Eeeeee, alicorn brains confirmed for being delicious!” she says, still vibrating in a way that makes you (and presumably Rainbow, who’s sitting next to her) a little worried. You think about the implications of what Celestia just told you.
“So you’ve eaten your own sister’s brain?” you ask. This provokes another one of her famous gentle chuckles.
“Ahhh, Spike. The stories I could tell you. We used to get up to all sorts of mischief. Let me tell you, a prank war between two immortal beings is quite an event.” Her horn starts to glow in golden hue, as she begins the process of reconstructing Twilight’s brain. “In fact, given that this might take a little while, how about I tell you all? I can remember some wonderfully amusing ones, but for some reason most ponies find those stories rather morbid.” She levitates the heads around with her magic. “Oh, would you like me to restore you all to your full selves?”
You eye the leftovers on the plate. They do still look pretty tasty, and if she were to restore the girls, it’d all disappear. Of course, you could always ask them to offer their meat again, right? Before you get to offer your opinion on this, Fluttershy speaks up, surprising you.
“We’re doing this as a favour for Spike, Princess. We don’t want all the remaining food to go to waste after we all worked so hard on our meals, right?”
“Yes, well said, Fluttershy” says Rarity. “I’m sure my soup will be fine reheated, after all.” The rest of the girls all agree unanimously on this, and you feel so happy and grateful to have such great friends.
“Aww, thanks, girls” you say, scratching the back of your head bashfully.
“Very well then.” Says Celestia, as her magic continues to slowly rebuild Twilight’s brain. “Hmm, let me think. Ah yes, I remember a particularly amusing one…”
===========================================================================
“Celestia? Sister? Are you in there?” came a voice from the hallway. Celestia had to suppress a giggle as she crouched to the side of the door, a hoof pressed against her mouth.
“I am, dear sister. Please, enter.” She said, a great big smile hidden behind her gold-plated hoof. The door to her quarters was slightly ajar, and perched on top of it was a metal bucket that seemed to be making a quiet sizzling sound. If it hadn’t have been for the enchantment Celestia had placed on the bucket to stop it from being dissolved, this entire prank would have been much harder to pull off. It was almost as essential as the reliable naivety of her younger sister.
Luna walked through the door and immediately saw Celestia crouched down on all fours, giggling like a filly.
“Sister, what on earth are-“
That was as far as she got before the bucket above the door lost its balance, and spilled its contents all over the Princess of the Night. Celestia immediately burst into laughter at the sight of her now positively drenched sister, who was wide eyed and startled.
“Gotcha! Hahahaha!” laughed Celestia, standing up and taking a few steps back from Luna. “Oh, I will cherish the look on your face for a long time. Which is just as well, because you shortly will not have one.” Luna frowned and went to enquire as to what this meant, only to find that it was getting very hard to hear on account of that sizzling noise that seemed to be going on all around her. And what was that odd feeling? She wiped her face with a hoof and examined it. It took a few seconds for her to realise she had just wiped most of said face off by accident, and that by this point her head was little more than a rapidly dissolving skull. Her brain was able to conjure up one strong thought before the acid reached it:
“This means war”
Celestia watched as her sister’s head was melted into a pile of sludge by the acid, leaving nothing but a raggedy stump and a greeny-red pool by the alicorn’s hooves. The now headless body attempted to come towards her, staggering left and right as much as it managed forwards, before eventually slumping over, rear raised up into the air, one leg twitching randomly. Celestia couldn’t stop giggling as she levitated the slush that used to be her sister’s head into the bucket, wondering if the alicorn was still conscious.
“I know you probably can’t hear me, but for the record-that was for the whoopee cushion prank. That was uncalled for, and this is your just desserts. I think I’ll let you stew in there until you’ve learned your lesson…” the princess gave the bucket a little rattle, smiling into the murky depths…
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You and the girls sit in rapt silence as she finishes her tale, with the exception of Twilight Sparke who was trying every vowel one at a time and laughing at them all in turn. Her sense of humour is a lot more morbid than you’d been led to believe, but given the circumstances, you’re not sure anypony else here is in a position to judge. Pinkie is the first to speak.
“Wow, I need to remember that one!” she says, installing a primal fear of doors in you that you think will never quite leave. You turn and look at Rainbow, who is looking similarly inspired. Perhaps letting Celestia tell these stories was a bad idea…
“Haha, that’s pretty crazy!” you tell Celestia, who smiles and waves a hoof bashfully, although you suspect she’s actually quite enjoying telling ponies about her pranking days.
“Oh, that was just a little thing. I restored her the next day. Her body was just getting in the way, really.”
“Riiight.”
“Um, what was that about a whoopie cushion prank?” asked Fluttershy. “That sounds like a funny one.” Now Celestia genuinely does look a little embarrassed.
“Ah. Yes, well, as I said, it was Luna who started the war really. I was just dispensing justice.”
“By dumping a bucket of acid on her head? Over a whoopie cushion?” says Applejack, skeptically. “Sounds like a kinda over the top response, if you ask me.” You nod your head at this, although already you’re thinking that this probably wasn’t the classic “sit on a cushion, make a fart noise” kind of prank.
“Ah, then let me fill you in on what exactly what happened” says Celestia. “I feel like you’ll understand then…”
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Today was an important day in Canterlot, as Celestia was set to announce the start of a brand new festival. The locals were in fits of excitement trying to work out what it was going to be. A celebration of the nation? A historical recreation of some sort? An excuse for her to eat cakes all day? Any of these options would be roundly applauded. Celestia really could do no wrong in their eyes. She was the ruler who would considered a 99% approval rating to be a deep, personal failure. Luckily such a thing was unthinkable, and an eager crowd assembled outside the castle, ready for her announcement.
“Pppppfffffffff” she said. Then she frowned, and tried again. “Ppffft pffft…..prp.”
Ponies in the crowd below looked at each other, not being entirely sure how to react to this. Celestia continued to open her mouth, her face visible straining as she tried to speak, but all that came out was a series of what sounded like…well, farts. The guards who stood just behind her moved their eyes towards each other by a tiny fraction, a move which betrayed their deep unease at this turn of events.
Celestia turned around, red in the face both from her efforts to speak and sheer embarrassment. And there, standing out of sight of the crowd in the doorway to the balcony, was her sister. She was holding something up in her magic. It was a pair of lungs. Luna shook them about and winked. “Missing something?” she mouthed silently. Celestia launched an angry fart noise in her direction, and Luna slunk off giggling.
Turning back round to the patiently waiting crowd, who were beginning to question whether or not they liked this new idea for a festival, Celestia gestured to the crowd to wait before rushing off back into the castle. The first thing she was going to do was remove her new “lungs”, which she suspected had been traded for whoopie cushions during her sleep. The second thing she would do is shove them down Luna’s throat.
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“Wow, and I thought putting a whoopie cushion under Fluttershy’s seat that one time was bad” says Rainbow Dash.
“Could we all just stop saying the word “whoopie” now, please?” requests Rarity. “You’ve all said it so many times in the last ten minutes that it’s lost all meaning, and it’s just a meaningless syllabic couplet now. Whoopie. Whoo-pie…” she trails off, still mouthing the word out.
You take a peek into Twilight’s head. Slowly but surely the brain inside was growing back! Twilight has stopped muttering and babbling, instead seeming as though she’s having a nice sleep, snoring gently with her eyes closed. Celestia notices you staring.
“We’ll still be a little while, Spike.” She says. “It’s been a while since I’ve had to do this actually.”
“Tell us more stories!” says Pinkie, with great enthusiasm. “What was the next prank! Did Luna get you back for the bucket prank?”
“Yes, she did. I thought the matter was settled after melting her skull, you see, and was not on my guard. This proved rather costly…”
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Celestia was, obviously, a morning person-she had never missed a sunrise after all-but that did not always mean that she was 100% on her game when she was still waking up. After pulling herself from her bed, she quickly put on her regalia and brushed her hair, staring into mirror without really taking a good look at herself-she was just going through the motions of getting ready to raise the sun. After that she’d feel like the day had officially begun, but until then it was still technically the time of her sister, Luna, and that meant Celestia was still a tiny bit asleep.
As she moved, a tiny part of her brain seemed to register that something was not quite right. Was it in the way she was moving? A certain wrongness in how her joints seemed so stiff? But then again, it was the morning, and that wasn’t uncommon. It was just her imagination, she told herself, before leaving to get on with the day.
Luna was waiting in the usual place. Normally she would also look very tired for the opposite reason, i.e that she was ready for bed. Today there was a subtle sparkle in her eye, a certain spring in the way that she eagerly greeted her sister. All of this went way over Celestia’s head.
“Good morning, dear sister” said Celestia, smiling at the dark-blue alicorn. “A pleasant night for you, I hope.”
“Oh, yes, most pleasant” replied Luna, grinning broadly as Celestia approached. “I must admit, though, that I will be glad when you raise the sun and relieve me of my duties.”
“Of course, Luna.”
“So, if you could just…get on with that, that would be most grand” she continued. Celestia nodded understandingly. It was a long shift, she was sure. Celestia herself was always happy at the chance to go and rest after a long day serving the kingdom. So she thought nothing of her sister’s eagerness to have the sun raised. Concentrating, Celestia’s horn lit up, and she started the process she had been doing for countless years now.
As light began to flood the land of Equestria once more, Celestia felt a strange feeling in her joints again. But it was different from before. It wasn’t the usual morning stiffness. In fact it felt like the opposite, like her joints were loose. Far too loose, actually. Raising one of her hooves, Celestia noticed a thin red line going right through it. This was followed by a snort from Luna, who was now holding up a very sharp looking knife and a half-empty pot of glue with her magic.
“Did you think I had forgotten the acid, dear sister?” she said, a vindictive glint in her eye. “Oh my, that sun is awfuly hot this morning. Do be careful the glue holding you together doesn’t melt”
“What-“
Echoing what had happened to her sister after being doused with acid, Celestia had no time to react before the effects of the prank took hold. One by one, parts of her body began to fall off as her own sun, which he had raised herself, proved to be her own undoing as it melted the glue that was indeed holding her together. Luna had sliced through her knees, shoulders, tail, her neck,horn, even her skullcap, and everything collapsed into a pile of princess. Celestia’s rolled to a stop by the hooves of her triumphant sister, who picked them up without magic and grinned into her face.
“You are making this far too easy, sister.” She said, smugly. Celestia frowned.
“This is very, very petty, Luna. You will regret this when I am restored.” Luna just laughed at this.
“Oh, is that so? I think not. You are simply not in my league. Pray reflect on your failures until I am finished eating your breakfast, dear sister.”
With that, Luna popped Celestia’s head down on the ground. Celestia continued to protest, at least she did until Luna decided to stick her severed horn right into her brain, causing the beloved princess’ face to go cross eyed and start drooling. Satisfied, Luna walked off. She had a meal to enjoy now…”
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“Many good soldiers were lost as a result of my sisters unprovoked attack” says Celestia, shaking her head sadly.
“Really?” you ask.
“Well, toast soldiers. And I probably would have eaten anyway” admits the princess. “But what you need to understand is that you do not get between me and my breakfast .”
“Oh man, this is gonna be awesome.” Says Rainbow Dash, her head somehow rocking slightly in anticipation. “I bet she like, inflated her up like a balloon or something.”
“Hehehe, or baked her into a Moon Pie!” offers Pinkie, getting everyone else in a guessing mood.
“Did ya put a parasprite in her ear or somethin’?”
“Turn her inside out?”
“Or like, shoot her into outer space so she landed on the moon-“
Your claws fly to your hands as you realise that that last one probably hit a little too close to home. There’s an awkward silence that lasts uncomfortable long as everyone looks away, not wanting to say anything. Finally, Celestia clears her throat and continues, mercifully breezing past your faux-pas and carrying on as if it had never happened. “Unfortunately, things rather came to a head a week after it, when afterwhen after lulling her into a false sense of security, I hatched a devious plan. I now realise, looking back at it with wiser eyes, I had not thought out my cunning plan as well as I could have. And there were complications..."
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Celestia sat at the dining table, feeling at once very tired and fully awake. Luna was to join her shortly, having finished her shift, and no doubt wanting to both enjoy a snack before bed and do some light, friendly gloating over her apparent victory in the great prank wars. The ivory alicorn chuckled evilly to herself as she eyes the bananas lying invitingly in the table. Oh, what a surprise her sister would get when she went to peel one, and found a stick of dynamite waiting for her instead, which Celestia would promptly detonate with her magic. Celestia had even taken the precaution of replacing every single banana there with dynamite to ensure Luna’s downfall. And also because she had been hungry at the time. But mostly for revenge.
She heard heavy footsteps approaching, and put on her invincible poker face as Luna entered, looking particularly tired.
“How fared the night, Luna?” asked Celestia. Luna merely grunted in response. It must have been a particularly hard shift as her sibling wasted little time in seating herself, reaching for a banana with her magic. Celestia had to use all her willpower not to snicker right there on the spot. She had to be patient, and then victory would be hers.
“Banana.” Said Luna, simply. In the first day or so after the glue incident, Luna had ferverantly checked any and all foodstuffs, offered items, beds, chairs and occasionally ponies (to mixed reactions from the staff) for any lurking trap. After a couple of days she had stopped trying, and even stopped mentioning her pranks entirely. Truly, Celestia had been wise indeed to wait until now, when her guard had been sufficiently lowered. She leaned forward ever so slightly as the banana inched closer to her face…and then disappeared inside her mouth, peel and all. “Yum.” Muttered the princess of the night, having apparently not even bothered to chew. She did, at this point, notice Celestia staring at her. “Mmm?”
“You…that is a disgusting habit, sister. And not healthy.” Scolded Celestia, who was now unable to detonate the dynamite.Luna just shrugged.
“We’re immortal, sister. It’s fine.”
“I am well aware, given what happened last week.”
“Indeed. And I’d like to apologise for that.” Said Luna, catching Celestia by surprise. “I was being very immature. Replacing your sisters lungs with whoopie cushions is hardly the behaviour of a princess.” Luna sighed, rubbing her tired face-but her contrition was clear. Celestia could see that her tiredness had been more than just physical malaise, now-guilt had been weighing her down. “I hope you can forgive me for my foalish actions. If you wish to prank me in return, I will raise no objection-“
Luna was interrupted mid-sentence as Celestia embraced her sister in a tight hug. “Oh, Luna, of course I forgive you! I know you meant no harm. Consider the matter settled.” The alicorns wrapped each in their hooves for a few seconds, before Celestia spoke again. “I should tell you though; I might have put a stick of dynamite in that banana you just ate.”
“A…a what?!”
“Oh, don’t worry, it wasn’t lit. I find it very unlikely that it would detonate now-“
*BOOM*
A few servants immediately rushed into the room to find it was now decorated with princess parts. Limbs, organs and blood were sprayed randomly across the room, with an area in the middle scorched black. By the doorway was Luna’s head, minus everything below her eyes, staring furiously across the room at Celestia’s own head, which was missing the back part. The elder sister looked at the servants as, with a certain degree of weary experience, they began picking up stray parts. They lifted up Luna, only to stop as her brain fell out of her head with a wet schlurping sound and fell to the floor.
“Ah, yes, my apologies for this.” Said Celestia, as a piece of entrail detatched itself from the ceiling and fell on her head. “The good news is that we have put our differences aside now, and there will be no more pranks of this nature.”
“That is wonderful to hear, Princess.”
“The bad news is that there’s 5 more sticks of dynamite over there on the table. Do be a dear and get rid of them.”
“Of course, princess.”
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“What would have happened if those other banana bombs had went off?” you ask.
“Well, we would have grown back eventually , but my that would have been a pretty boring century or so” answers Celestia. She looks over at Twilight. “Oh, look, we’re almost finished!” You look over and see that Twilight seems to have her brain back entirely, although it still look as though she’s sleeping. The glow of Celestia’s horn intensifies as she concentrates, until there’s a flash, and standing before you is a whole-again Princess Twilight Sparkle, wings extended majestically. She looks upon you and the rest of the girls, as well as the beaming countenance of her mentor.
“Potatooooooes” says Twilight, before sticking her tongue out and waving it around, giggling. Celestia slaps her head with her hood.
“Oh, drat, I forgot. This happens when the brain gets destroyed, hold on…” the princess concentrates again, her horn lighting up once more before a golden aura surrounds Twilights head. She stops giggling, and her eyes go haywire for a few seconds, before blinking a few times. Then she gasps.
“Princess Celestia! When did you get here?! Oh, my head…what happened again?” she says, rubbing her brain with her hood before stopping at the touch. It seems to click for her. “Oooh…right..” she said, blushing furiously as her memories returned. “Um, well, you see, uh…” Celestia interrupts the blustering Twilight with a gentle shake of her head.
“It’s OK, Twilight, I’ve told you my little stories before-you know what happens when immortal creatures get bored.” Says Celestia. “But really, you need to be more careful when destroying your brain. That’s not quite so simple to fix.” Twilight’s ears droop and she bows her head.
“I was sure I had it figured out. I had my regeneration spell on a timer, but I didn’t take into account the fact that total brain destruction effectively cancels out any spellcasting, even prepared ones like that. I really messed up. What if you’d been unavailable?”
“Aw, chin up Twi! No harm no foul, right?” says Applejack.
“Yes, indeed” agrees Rarity. “I’m sure Princess Luna would have been more than happy to assist us.”
“Even if it would mean waiting until nightfall…” adds Fluttershy. “I mean, I wouldn’t mind. We’ve got plenty of food…” That reminds you actually, now that the immediate problem of Twilight has been fixed. You need to save all this delicious pony-meat before it goes to waste!
“I need to get some Tupperware or something before all your food goes to waste. Thanks so much, Princess Celestia!” you say, quickly bowing before going off to fetch some containers. You still had some ribs, soup, Flutter-haggis, Pinkie Pie Pie, Dash-Dogs…you pause by her part of the table. Oh, yeah. Her marebits were still right there on the table. Hmm…well, she did say she wanted you to enjoy her meat. Guess you’ll hold her too that. You wonder what would work best-grilled, or fried?
“Hey, you OK Spike?”
“Uh, yeah hehe, just thinking. Be right back!”