Chapters "Excuse me?" was the choice dumb response to fall from my lips.
I stood in the center of a throne room full of heavily armed guards, a smiling princess authority figure, and some more than inconvenienced looking delegates. I have to add at this point in time that I am one hundred percent homo sapien of earth where as the people in the room were...
Ponies.
Not your run of the mill ponies that eat grass, shit all over the place and smell terrible. Ponies that looked like Bob Ross and Rebecca Sugar both had a LSD party. I focused back on the tallest unicorn pegasus hybrid that approached me with what could only be described as a motherly strut. Her smile warmed even my sarcastic devious heart and giggled softly while covering her mouth with a wing.
"I said we're not going to throw you in prison."
My mind had at the moment reacted with standing in a room full of aliens by conveying the only rational thought I could muster. A life of experiments and a dark cell with whatever ponies ate as my main form of sustenance. Not the most ingenious intrusive thought I've ever had but now wasn't the time to criticize my worst case scenario thoughts. Awe yes, the deity god figure talking to me. Alright mouth don't fail me now.
"I'd throw me into prison."
Oh smooth, smoother than silk on a god damn porcupines back. Well at least judging from her giggle fit I said something funny. I got this, they totally relish humor over all other forms of entertainment. I have to choose my next words very carefully.
"Take me to your leader, I come in peace." I said slowly while waving my hands slowly over my head.
More giggling followed by a laugh. A laugh that entranced me more than any other audience at Olive Garden I had ever experienced. So one I suppose. The white horse god was turning red in the face as she waved a wing at me. I had taken the moment of her giggling and such to look at the other ponies in the room. The entire court was shorter than the princess so much that I assumed they were dwarves that served her like an elven goddess.
Wow Dwarf slavery. Galadriel would be so proud right now.
"I'm afraid I'm as high up the ladder as you will find strange creature. My name is Princess Celestia of Equestria and I welcome you to our lands."
She was so kind I felt my heart melt down my pant sides. No wait, that was the fear urine which is always followed by my nervous erections. Damn you body don't do this now she doesn't even have a rack.
"I'm Kalam Cardin of Seattle Washington, book keeper and bartender of Olive Garden." I proclaimed with a tad more gusto than I had when I peed my pants.
She bowed which surprisingly caused a domino effect among her subjects. Man these horses were very well trained. I wonder if I can purchase one of these dwarf horse slaves? The bow was held a hair longer than I felt comfortable with seeing as how I was defenseless against their stampeding tendencies.
"Well Kalam," She began as she raised herself. "I am very pleased to answer any questions you may have. I'm sure you're very confused."
"Alright." I muttered while keeping an eye out for any hoof dragging or stomping. "I'll make them short and sweet. You just answer quickly and concisely."
She chuckled and shook her head.
"It's frankly good to see you're an eloquent creature."
I took a deep breath and put my hands palms together in front of my face. I was going to treat this as a quick time event interrogation.
"Do you have common plumbing?"
"It flushes clockwise to the sun."
"Ice cream is made from?"
"Milk and ice shavings turned slowly with flavoring and fruit."
"Movies are?"
"Moving pictures displayed on a large fabric canvas." She said with a smirk and a raised eyebrow. I think she was enjoying this.
"You don't seem that surprised to see a talking biped in front of you."
"Not a question I suppose though you're definitely not the first strange creature to appear here." She paused and slowly walked around me. "But certainly the first of your intelligence and appearance."
I sighed deeply, popped my shoulders with that oh so satisfying snap, crackle, and pop. I suppose their were worse places to end up and I was sure I could find a million and one ways that this could have happened.
"May I ask you a question since you do appear to be temporarily stuck here and intelligent?" She asked with a smile and a nod.
"Shoot. I don't have advanced military training or world wide secrets if that's what you're aiming for."
She smiled wider and closed her eyes in deep thought. The entire room was silent and unmoving as if her and I were having an out of time conversation. I suppose if she's the leader she might just have that kind of power.
"Would you like a job?"
One year later
"I'm telling you, using a time skip in her last book was just a lazy bit of writing!" Carmella Cream said as she walked by my side with a notebook in her magical grasp.
The cocky unicorn mare was Prince Bluebloods house carl and an obnoxious one at that. She had encouraged me to read the Daring Do books and much to her chagrin I thoroughly enjoyed the last book in the series which featured a year long time skip in chapter eight while Daring adventured into Tartarus to train with the demon lords in fire magic.
Crazy right?
"Time skips aren't a cop out Cream. It's a great creative medium to advance a story with flashbacks and memories that pop up during times of crisis." I groaned as I raised my hand to pull my own clipboard out with the help of the magical bracelet Starswirl had fashioned for me.
Fun fact, my kind were apparently all but immune to magic but if given a focus crystal we could channel our own. Not in anything wondrous like the unicorn mages but handy enough with some advanced telekinesis. I had managed to manifest seven "bangs" I called them in the shape of my own hands. I had learned rather quickly I needed way more than two hands to do all the work Princess Celestia had piled up for me.
"Well did you at least have any commentary about her budding romance with Chroma Bolt?"
"She's a filly fooler Cream get over it. Just because she didn't end up with Baron Nefarious like in you're shitty fanfiction doesn't mean she would in the books."
Cream ran in front of me and stuck a hoof right into my unsuspecting gut. With a very loud "oof" I found myself stopped by the pony half my size. Center of mass is low with these abominations I swear to god.
"I let you read those in secret." She hissed as she narrowed her orange eyes at me.
"Well stay off my case about the book unless you want Blueblood to hear about your fascination with bald fat stallions."
She hissed again like a serpent and prodded me once more.
"You wouldn't dare."
"Oh I would and let me tell you he would have a royal hay day. Think about it Cream. Hoity-toity Blueballs throwing a conniption over the fact that his model level house carl has a thing for big. Fat. Slovenly stallions." I hissed back while poking the tip of her horn.
She relented with a huff and walked ahead of me while slandering my mother in that oh so high and mighty Manehattan accent. With a sigh of relief I continued behind her looking over the clipboard and three scrolls in front of me. I know in my world you cant look at your phone and walk without hitting someone but this castle was a venerable ghost town.
"So I'm to meet the ambassador of Yakyakistan and tell him to fuck off until next month during the summer celebration so he'll stop asking about the pink ponies snow cakes." I began with a sigh that had long become my butler staple . "Followed by attending to Princess Luna's request for an audience with Vinyl Scratch regarding the new Nightmare Moon mix tape."
"You got it easy Kal. I have to hand pick seven hundred roses for Bluebutt to send off to Coloratura. They all must have no less than fifteen thorns to symbolize the fifteen days he's waited for her letter."
I shuddered and kept my pace while looking over the scrolls.
"Man there is desperate then there is Blueballs desperate."
This earned a chuckle from Cream as she added a spring in her step.
"You don't know the half of it Kal."
I stopped in my tracks as a small earth quake shook the halls. Such loud banging and roaring could only mean one simple thing.
"Prince Rutherford has entered the building." I muttered while adjusting my tie and bracelet.
"Well you have fun with smashy smashy break things. I'm off to smell the roses." Cream added with a smirk while waggling off.
"You're fanfiction is shit and you're husbando is shit!" I called after her while laying the scrolls in my shoulder bag.
Well now that I have a moment to myself time to get ready for the terrorist equivalent of farm animals. I had my emergency escape crystal in case of pounding, some ointment in case of pounding, and of course a butt tube in case of pounding. You never know when I'll be the catcher ya know.
"Prince Rutherford!" I yelled with a grin as I stepped through the doors into the main lobby.
"SERVANT KALAM! IT HAS BEEN MANY MOONS SINCE LAST WE SMASHED!" The over sized Nordic tribal yak bellowed as he and four of his followers began pounding the ground.
I swear to god this mother fucker is going to bring down the whole city.
"Rutherford we've been through this, don't say it like that."
He laughed loud enough for me to cringe before shaking his mighty mop top.
"But friend Kalam, we have not smashed in so long! You smashed so long last time Rutherford was sore for many days."
Oh double entendre, you cheeky little bitch.
"Listen Rutherford I have a lot of appointments to keep so I'll be quick. The princess can't hang out with you until next month at the summer celebration. She's sorry but with the repairs still going on underway after the dragon incident she simply doesnt have the time to... smash with you." I shuddered at the last bit.
Rutherford looked to his aides, nodded once, then twice.
"Next month sound nice! Tell princess servant is doing a good job!" He said with a hoof raised to symbolically show a thumbs up.
"Wait that's it? No cancellation of meeting smash? " I asked genuinely bewildered.
"Of course not!" He yelled almost directly into my face. "Princess is busy with many things but servant handle them much better than when she did not have one."
Again with the servant. I'm an emissary and scribe for Christs sake.
"Well I guess this is good bye? Yeah definitely, goodbye Prince Rutherford until next month." I said as I began my walk towards my next appointment.
He stopped me and pulled me close to the musky scent of his beard as he held me close.
"Not so fast Servant Kalam!" He leaned closer to whisper rather loudly into my ear. "Yaks say rumors about you and Princess are true. Are they true?"
Awe yes the newest scandal to hit the gossip whores of Equestria. God forbid the Princess go to a gala without someone by her side. Let alone that someone be her emissary.
"No Rutherford the princess has not taken me on as her concubine ." I sighed with a gentle shove on his nose.
The rumor had been around since Celestia had gone public about my title and close proximity to her at all times. Though seen by many as a diplomatic move I knew she did it to keep her wondrous exotic pet on a happy and well fed leash.
A very well fed leash.
"Sorry to disappoint you Rutherford but perhaps you'll throw an application in? I'm sure the princess would love you're riveting tale of the time you killed the avalanche...again."
He laughed and pushed me onto my back as his yak cronies laughed in unison.
"Yak become mate to Princess? Yak has not heard such a funny joke in many moons! But yak not here to laugh, yak here to talk. Talking has stopped WE GO NOW!"
The resulting cloud of dust and other obscuring particles allowed the yaks to disappear in the loudest and most destructive fashion. Like Batman in a bulldozer they vanished leaving only the cracked tile and torn carpet that I'd have to order cleaned up remaining.
One appointment down one to go.
"I see you attended to Prince Rutherford very well." Came a melodious laugh.
"Good to see when you're too preoccupied bumping wings with the rich you leave me to deal with the loud and destructive guests." I bluntly replied while bringing myself to my feet with the help of a large white wing.
"Oh Kalam come now," Celestia interjected with that same old smile. "Prince Rutherford will only speak to you if I'm unavailable. I never intend for you to get caught up in his... smashing." She laughed at the last part and wiped a tear with her wing from her eye.
Sun horse you and I are going to war and your magic ain't gonna stop me. Hell I might just draw a mustache on that smug mug when you sleep.
I just smiled and bowed slightly.
"And what do I owe the pleasure of your company Tia? Have I earned enough good human points for such a thing or am I going to get the bill in the mail?"
She rolled her eyes and cuffed me upside the head gently.
"You keep saying the only reason I keep you around is for your smart mouth but your services to the crown are worth so much more." she cooed as she dusted off my uniform with her wing.
"If by service you mean offending and bad mouthing all of your subjects then yes call me the fucking pope."
Another cuff. At this point I wasn't sure if she was my ruler or my mother. Aside from our talks during dinner and tea Celestia and I hardly had what one would call a "professional" relationship. I consoled her during times of sadness, chased away subjects she didn't want to see, and provided her with an insurmountable amount of sweets during her horse periods .
As much as I antagonized her and joked around Celestia was my friend. I'd do anything for her including getting smashed by the yaks.
"One of these days Kalam you'll realize how much you mean to me as a friend more than as an assistant." She sighed as she encouraged me to walk with her.
The halls of stained glass did more than show off the victories of the ponies as a race but also a slide show of how absolutely boring said victories were. I wasn't a fan of the power of friendship or the wonderful things love and happiness can win. The history that was framed on the walls was honestly boring. The history of the gryphon wars and dragon alliance? That was worth listening to and Celestia regaled me whenever I asked much to her and Luna's delight.
"For over a thousand years I've only had four assistants. The last two were Grimoire Vergales and Starswirl the Bearded." She stopped and showed me the same glass of her and Starswirl looking over the valley that had become a vast bustling network of towns and cities. "Then for hundreds of years I had none. I had no need for a pony to help me in the day to day life of being a princess."
"You're really more of a god. I mean you could bring the sun down and make smores with all those marshmallow ponies." I chuckled with a quick lick of my lips.
"The life of a princess." She continued without even acknowledging my cute quip about eating ponies. "Is a hard one. I have many duties and some of them go right under my wing. I'm thankful that you're help has brought a time of peace for me but that means nothing in comparison to our time reading together, teaching each other about our worlds, and that horrible card game you play with my sister and I."
"Card against humanity. Classic."
"Horse cock monolith I recall was your last winning card." She mused while continuing down the hall.
"Gets Luna every time." I sneered back.
She stopped dead in her tracks and I could tell something was on that adorable princess mind. I hadn't seen her this deep or talkative since Sparkle made her cry. Gods above it took a long time for me to calm down and not grab that purple smart ass by the horn and use her as a bat for ball practice.
"Tia." I whispered with a hand on her neck.
That name always made her focus on me. As far as I knew I was the only other soul alive to call her that besides her sister.
"I'm sorry Kalam. I've had a lot on my mind in regards to next weeks summit."
Awe yes. The summit. I had received countless scrolls requesting for the location to be moved somewhere less strategic as Canterlot. Within the next week the gryphon war party was going to meet with the princesses to talk about the forfeiture of Silver Glade, a prime piece of contested river land that just touched the gryphon border.
"Tia I'll be right by your side. If those uncooked chickens have anything to say against you they can go through me." I reassured her with a stroke along her neck.
If any one else had seen me do that I'd be pinned under a dozen spears but in this moment it was just me and Tia. Two adults talking out lives little problems like a warring country looking to take your land.
Damn cannibalistic chickens.
"I appreciate that Kalam I truly do. I hope the negotiations go well or it could mean a fissure in the peace treaty."
Another reassuring pat and some scritches below the chin made her smile softly.
"I'll find a way to simulate the feeling of you doing that I swear to Faust." She cooed as she shook her head.
"Great, we'll sell it to lonely old mares and make millions."
The cuff that followed that was the roughest and funniest I had ever received.
Being in the presence of Princess Luna was always... interesting. The boring love, enrichment, and social networking story detailed six little ponies that appeared with magic and rainbows and BLESSED THE FUCK out of Luna till Jesus ripped Nightmare Moon from her quivering saliva laden jaw. Kind of metal, I know, but the story of pre-banishment Luna?
That shit was written like a 1980's glam rock band metal movie. Luna was to war as buxom chain mail sporting hussies were to Heavy Metal. She tore through battlefields and used a spear like a midnight black shish-kebab wearing what I assumed to be pornographic material fetish pony armor.
Whew got to catch my breath there.
"Kalam are you ill, friend? Luna inquired as she stared at me over her half moon cat glasses surely stolen from Professor Mc'gonigal. I was staring at a literal pony librarian as she sipped her latte while reading the Equestrian Times.
Too bad hipsterism ruined another world.
"Not at all princess, just admiring your morning/evening attire." I lied while waving a hand at her.
I used my super awesome wizard hand bracelet to pull a few of the scrolls out detailing her mail sent and received from Vinyl Scratch. I might be flaunting my own magical capabilities but Twilight herself said Fourth Year unicorns at the magic academy could only use three projections of will. Ergo, I'm smarter than a fourth grader so fuck you Jeff Foxworthy!
"Vinyl has agreed to meet you for the recording of the Nightmare Night Scratch Megamix." I explained attempting to say that whole thing in one determined breath.
Luna raised a dexterous eyebrow as I took an exaggerated breath inwards.
"However she wants you to come to her recording studio in the city rather than make a trip through customs to get into the palace."
Luna lowered her eyebrow and raised the other as a loud and very surprising op came from my left side. Sure as the moon was beautiful a white unicorn with hot topic blue hair looked to me with a toothbrush still in her dripping mouth.
"Uh... Sup?" She said with a shake of her hoof.
Now in the year I had been in pony-fuck-all land I had seen some crazy shit. I had seen the sky rain chocolate milk, I've seen cockatrices have stare downs, I've even seen Rainbow Dash's snatch and lemme tell you Kalam does NOT wanna smash that like button.
Still somehow I was struck dumb again as vinyl swished in her mouth, walked to the ice sculpture basin, spit in said basin and then dried her snout on Celestia hand knitted place-mats. With a nod of her head and a slight shake of her mane she sat next to Luna and merely said...
"Sup Lulu?"
You know when shitty anime creators put in filler episodes where the characts see something so stupid and unbelievable they fall backwards with their feet high in the air? Yeah me either. needless to say I did what any functional non weaboo adult would do and merely rolled my eyes with an audible "tsk".
"Well I suppose you doing this completely negates the reason to summon me so I'll just be..." I never did get to finish that remark before I reflexively grabbed a spoon being thrown at my face with one of my "big bangs."
"So... you have only summoned me for training have you?" I muttered while fousing more power into the bracelet hung on my wrist.
Luna sprung on top of the table knocking over the ice basin (now swish and spit bowl) with a devilish grin and a sinister glow of her horn.
"You've grown soft Kalam. We only wish to see if you can best us! There have been many warriors who have charged us within the last epoch but you... you..." She paused to grind her teeth with those nostrils flaring. "You are the only creature to ever... FUCKING CHEAT! HOW DARE YOU PUT A MEMORY FOAM PILLOW INTO A PILLOW FIGHT THAT'S SIMPLY BARBARIC!" She screamed as several pillows flew from under the table straight towards me.
Fun little bit of exposition but Princess Luna is crowned, belted, and titled as Equesrias greatest pillow fighter. She has taken down the stone sack wielding Yaks seven times. It's a damn shame though that in her greatest moment of triumph it was I, Kalam, who gave her a quick and brutal Pony Cunt Punt ™ A memory foam fupa grenade right under the tail hole. It was I in that summer of just a little under a year ago where I stood victorious in the gayest game of battle royale... ever.
"I didn't cheat it was you, oh high and mighty flat butt, that said heavy ordinance was acceptable!" I yelled back as I grabbed my leather satchel like a pillow.
"Memory foam is classified as a war ready payload and has been for years!" She screamed back as a pillow rocketed tail first towards my face.
I deftly dodged with a smirk and got low to launch my counter attack. An attack, which sadly was over budget for this story, that never came. You see, when anything high speed goes towards Celestias face it generally burns in the atmosphere of her solar rage. Or it would if Celestia had any idea what was coming for her at the speed of sound when she opened the dining hall door.
Some cartoon enthusiasts from my world theorized in cartoons and fantasy worlds pillows going at high speed suddenly and inexplicably lose momentum mere micro seconds before impact. This sudden decrease of momentum allows the pillow to hit the subject and fall off with a cute and satisfying "Squeak." However Equestria was very real and so was Newtons first law of motion.
Celestia received that pillow with enough force to end her life momentarily and experience all of her most embarassing moments before slinging back to the present. Also hard enough to make her do a half barrel roll.
"The war has begun! Long live the Night!" I screamed while laying a series of successive blows on Celestia as she laid on her back like a dazed child.
War. War never changes.™
The resounding war lasted a lifetime of about seven seconds before the giggling and bantering started.
"I come to check on you before you go to bed and I find you assaulting our precious emissary." Celestia cooed woefully as her hoof rubbed the top of my head.
Another fun flashback fact about pegasus. Their wings are swole as fuck bro. She had me in the most tickling inducing cage of my life. Horse wings are made by Satan and I now had irrefutable proof.
"We only wished to test him. All know of his cheating ways." Luna jeered as she poked my exposed nose with the corner of her pillow.
Of course I at that moment noticed the time on the clock and realized I had a serious "date" with a friend very soon. This was to be a major moment in my life in this strange new world.
No this was something much more important than all of those.
I needed to chase clouds.
"Hey Tia remember that conversation we had yesterday about this time on this day?" I asked as quietly as I could earning yet another giggle from her as the nuzzling on my head only grew in force.
"Hm? Was it about getting featured in Equestria Times for another riveting article on human history?"
I rolled my eyes and sunk into the chest behind me.
"No everything I published gets featured so this time I wrote some non comprehensive comedy skit." I chuckled with a waggling eyebrow to Luna.
"What is it then?" Luna asked with that cold inquisitor glare.
"If you must know, I'm meeting a new friend from Ponyville and the northern section of Canterlot."
Luna snorted and shook her head.
"Meeting. With friends? You?" She laughed with a knicker.
"Yes and you two aren't invited."
The silence that fell on the room was palpable. I almost felt a little guilty when mom horse let me go from her feathery clutches. The two of them were looking at me with the biggest puppy dog eyes I had ever seen in my life. If I had to be honest, which I don't, I'd have to say Luna looked far more sad-adorable.
"Come on guys I can't just bring the princesses to meet with the common folk. You guys would steal the show." I began to whine back. So much for being a responsible late twenties adult.
"Besides" I added with a sigh. "We're doing something you guys might not like being... regal and all."
Luna and her sister raised the left most curious eyebrow. I was in the middle of some sick sitcom wasn't I? Was I Erkel?
"We're doing... Gryphon Twist Root. You know... hookah?" I added almost sheepishly. If there was a man card checker I was fucked.
Both sisters took a moment to stare at me before laughing uproariously.
"You think gryphon hookah parties are extreme for Luna and I?" Celestia managed to choke out between sobbing laughter.
"Well you know... I still don't know what Equestrian drug laws are like." I sheepishly added.
"Come on please? Pretty please with a ruby on top?" Luna asked while pleading with her hooves.
Equine arms shouldn't bend that way.
"No."
"Please?" Celestia sang quietly.
"Not gonna say yes." I finally commanded.
A short walk later
"I can't believe I allowed this." I muttered while a familiar white slender unicorn and a even more familiar midnight blue pegasus hummed next to me.
Yes. Princess gods can turn into smaller and totally recognizable single race versions of themselves.
Now if only I could turn into Tyler Perry. That would be frickin sweet.
"Now remember Kalam." Celestia-not-Celestia began with a hushed whisper. "I'm now called Celina Sunmane. Got that?"
Her voice totally didn't change. Luna however?
"Right on ye feckin gob cobbler. Me names Lunar Eclipse ye got that? I'll conk yer feckin gob swear on me mum." She drawled with a lower lip corner clearly overlapping her upper.
Cunt Luna. Got it.
"You guys are going to ruin the only non obligated friendships I have." I groaned while ponies seemed to watch us walking down the street.
Truth be told ponies seemed utterly oblivious that I was standing next to smaller single race variations of the royal princesses. I slowly began to suspect that all the ponies were inbred which explained the random singing and dancing. Either that or they were fucking Fraggles in horse form.
Didn't get that? That's okay most millenials don't.
"We are merely hoping to see what friendships you have fostered. That and it has been many moons since we have conquered smoke tower." Not Luna said with a shake of her hoof.
Was everything a competition for her? Jock Luna was scary.
"Well we're here. Please don't make me wish I was banished when I popped into your world." I whispered as I knocked on the metal door of a small ornate shack at the end of the market block.
"Hey Kalam my dude what's good brother?" A white coated unicorn dude addressed me as the door opened. The guy had some weird beads on his neck and a questionable cutie mark subsisting of a strange beaker and smoke.
"Bubbler good to see you again. Did you get to watch that Power Pony episode I lent ya?" I asked with a chuckle.
"Dude crossovers are so weird. Why would Bat Pony ever team up with the Power Ponies? It's two totally different stories!" He exclaimed as a strange dread-locked pony ducked back into his room behind him.
"Amen to that man. Piss poor writing and blatant self service to the writers." I said with a nod.
Somewhere out there a cringy smut writer died. I could feel it run up my spine.
"I brought two others with. This is Celina Sunmane and..." I paused to cringe at a twitchy and smiling Luna.
"Names Lunar Eclipse ye wank. Call meh Eclipse or I'll clock your gobber!"
Fucking lord Luna dial it back from 15 to a 9.
"Hell yeah you brought the mares and I brought the goods. Let's party, Kylia is here waiting."
I walked into the adorned shack with a deep breath. Awe yes totally legal and not green leafed drugs. I missed that borderline skunk smell. A small auburn gryphon perched on the sofa adding red hot coals to the top of the hookah with a wide grin. Her cyan eyes fell on me and a hearty laugh echoed from her beak.
"Back again already tiny cloud Kalam? I thought you'd leave after the last tiny unsatisfying cloud you blew?"
The more I listened the more I realized we were a trio of douche canoes. God damn what's next? Va-
"HOOKAH NATION!" Bubbler and Kylia both yelled while waving their hooves/talons in the air.
Yep. I'm a douche bag.
Another step over the threshold and the calmness overtook me. The smell of desserts that didn't exist. coals and moist shreds of totally not marijuana sitting in a lightly smoking bowl affixed to a tower built for gods. This was not about taste, or physical high, or even watching Luna suck on a hose like a whore. This was about one thing and one thing only...
Blowing better clouds than a fucking gryphon.
Blowing clouds is a very guilty and totally non sexual past time of mine. I had been a compulsive smoker in my world since I was old enough to be a yellow toothed bad boy. Truth be told it wasn't the proudest time in my life but boy oh boy did it go down hill after a friend of mine showed me...
"You gonna day dream Kalam or are you gonna blow some sick clouds?" The gryphon challenged me before taking a long drawn out suck of the hookah.
How gryphon have any suction without lips I will never know but then again flying horses with laser head penises ruled the world and were currently sitting next to me shooting the breeze with Bubbler Green. I wasn't about to lose a cloud blowing contest to a hussy chicken with a mouth as foul as Betty White.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah feather tits. Lemme show you how humans smoke the hookah." I began as I went to grab the tube from her claws.
"Not so fast boy. Bubbler here has something special for this special occasion." She whistled while taking the oh so sweet tube from my stubby monkey knuckles.
Bubbler took the cue and trotted (Walked? I can never tell the proper terminology when these finger-less assholes can manage to grab things with nothing more than a cloven hoof) towards the bar and grabbed a wooden box with a golden lock. As if lost in a state of trance he walked slowly back and presented it to me.
"One year ago you came to us and asked if our kind smoked anything. You sought the clouds and through your journey you have come here to the eighth gate."
"Ok man what the fuck have you been smoking? It's not like you guys have pot in this backwards world I'd know about it." I sarcastically remarked only to be met with the stares of not only my gryphon dyke friend but also not-Luna and not-Celestia.
"You mean maney jane?" Tia asked with a chuckle.
"Wonder leaf?" Bubbler interjected.
"Horse glue?"
The room went eerily silent as Luna looked with shock.
"What? It's what I smoked before the war." She muttered before taking a hit from the hookah.
"Anyway... Kalam you've grown from a coughing wreck to a cloud blowing wizard. I would be honored to share this with you. It's been passed down from Green family since we first started smoking different things to see what kind of clouds we could chase. I humbly offer you the last of my Golden Carrot Chariot ." He reminisced as he opened the box revealing an expertly rolled blunt with the insignia of Canterlot stamped in wax along the filter.
Gotta admit this was starting to sound hella gay. Harold and Kumar weren't as gay with their stoner humor as this tan faced pigeon fucker. I had flashbacks to my first time. The smoldering end bit, the feeling of euphoria, the never ending stream of snacks, the shitty comedy skits you HAD to be high to enjoy. Part of me wanted to turn away, to show Celestia and Luna I had a shred of humanity.
The other part of me was rock hard and wanted the joint being presented to me. My mouth watered, my lungs growing in strength as if borrowing the lung power of every creature on this planet. It was time to summon the smoky spirit bomb. I was gonna take the whole thing in one shot and never choke.
Yup. Hella gay. Really fucking gay dammit I need to stop. I couldn't, I can't, I have to...
"Row...row." I muttered.
The quizzical looks that surrounded me became ones of shock and horror as I snatched the blunt and raised it to my lips. A fire in my fingers in the form of a splintered wooden match. A fire in my very soul...
Forgive me /a/
"FIGHT THE POWER!" I roared with a foot upon the coffee table that was hand crafted by Bubbler himself.
I sucked the shining mass deep into my lungs, into the lungs of every human and equestrian. Children would be born coughing with red eyes and thumbs raised for the sheer force I displayed. The tip went white with the heat and burned down faster, faster still until only the literal flaming end remained. Impossible and invisible; invigorating yet intoxicating.
"By Faust he's doing it. He's doing it!" Bubbler cried with tears in his eyes.
The room brightened with my glory, my chest and pants filled with pride. I was going to blow a cloud so large it would blow the face off of that self centered feather slut.
"Fight it Kalam!" Celestia cheered with her hoof in the air.
"Suck it down till none doth remain!" Came the second jubilant cry of Luna.
Only that final condensed nug of power to get through. This was the boss battle and I was mother fucking Cloud Strife! It was time for my secret move which was mastered from vapes and blunts and even that one time I went down on my ex. Wait maybe not that.
"He can't handle the heat. How the hell is he gonna finish the wall?" Kylia mused with a cocky smirk.
I opened only the outer edges of my mouth to mix the ash and fire with fresh air. only true humans could control their lips this way. My trump card, my last stand against Kylia fucking Razorclaw.
"You got this Kalam, finish the hit!" Came the trio of my closest comrades.
The lungs had reached their capacity. My body ached with the strength of Equestrian pot. I was going to blow the biggest fucking cloud that ever existed. Those damn pegasus weather freaks were in for a storm and I was going to be at its head.
The moment of truth.
White light blinded me as my lungs expelled the world of smoke that resided in my very soul. So powerful was my burst of air that a cloud enveloped the table, the floor, a giggling luna, a star struck and crying Bubbler, even Kylia sat wide eyed as a wall of spittle and smoke came down on her like the supreme court came down on Bill Cosby. I was going to throw the proverbial hot dog bun at her and envelop the world in my cloud of righteous justice. If I was a dick then the smoke was my love and Kylia was an unsuspecting college co-ed fresh from Tinder.
"I..." Came my own raspy voice as the smoke covered the room in sweet skunky love. "I will never be able to do that again."
I collapsed on the couch with a smile of pure joy plastered on my red face. Kylia was staring in awe not even aware or caring of the spittle covering her.
"Faust's crotch tits Kalam that was... Adequate." She whispered as I draped my arms around the hyped up royal sisters.
"Right? So... Anyone got some hay fries?"
A few hours and many munchies later
"So your movies feature people that smoke and get into crazy adventures?" Celestia giggled as she bumped my hip with hers.
"Bro Harold and Kumar are totally fucking funny. You know they got a baby high on cocaine?" I giggled while stuffing my face with an insurmountable pile of brownies.
We had eaten Kylia and Bubbler out of house and home and opted to go to the castle for more food. I had to give the sisters credit they had some bomb fucking food in their home. Anything a middle aged woman on her period would ever need was only a short jump away from me. Through some weird horse fuckery the princesses had managed to convert the fridge in the chefs kitchen to have as much space as a god damn Tardis.
"Well I'm afraid that is one thing our world is lacking." Luna said through a mouth full of salad and fudge cookies. She tilted her head back and poured a cup of ranch for good measure before going back to the said with chocolate garnish.
"Come on we could totally make our own." I joked with a grin.
But damn. With the power of the princesses and my knowledge of all the best things humans had made to get high I could start a drug ring throughout the entire kingdom. I'd be Tony Montana and the girls would be my lavish drugged out secretaries.
"Would we be wearing only the most professional and sexy tailored suits?" Celestia giggled as she manifested her mane into a tight bun and fabricated some black glasses on her face.
"Oh fuck did my thoughts come out of my mouth?" I managed to ask.
"Along with some cake my dear."
I found my face growing hot. Sure I had been in Equestria for a year but I wasn't some degenerate from tumblr. I wasn't anywhere near ready to "go native" but the idea of Celestia and Luna in secretary garb was an alluring thought.
"You did it again Kalam." Luna jeered with a poke to my chin.
"Seriously?" Are my words just written above my head for all to read?"
"No but if they were I'm sure they would be filled with atrocious grammar and spelling errors."
Silence fell over the room as somewhere another cringy smut writer died of a heart attack. Poor asshole.
"Well ladies. I think I'm going to drag my sorry ass to bed. Thanks for another night filled with exposition filled story building and generally giving my lifes story no real direction."
Celestia stuck her tongue out and waved her horn to clear the mess we had made in the name of full stomachs and even fuller toilets on the morrow.
"With pleasure Kalam. It's too bad our night ended so shortly. we only spent some sixteen hundred minutes together." Celestia whined as she nudged my head.
"That's twenty six hours Tia. This entire time we've been away from court and our subjects." Luna mused with another spoonful of rocky road. "What are we gonna blame for our disappearance?"
Celestia snorted and rolled her eyes.
"Bad writing probably."
