Chapters Anon's Week in Equestrian Paradise
Day -30 - From Here Till Utopia
Day -30.
"That's going to be sore tomorrow."
Anon stood up from the marble floor, dusting off his coat. Wait, marble? "When did I leave my desk last night? this isn't my caravan." He looked around at what seemed to be a bathroom, if it was made for midgets. Did he grow another foot? Is this a dream? Did he get wasted with Verne Troyer and passed out in his bathroom? Before he could contemplate which of the options was true, which he secretly wished was option 3, he came to his senses as a thud was heard behind him. There 2 unicorns stood, well, only 1 stood and the other passed out. After a brief silent period, a scream echoed the castle and it's bathroom.
"Well this is gonna be a long day." Anon said to himself, before an orange blur knocked him unconscious.
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"So, Anon, your saying you woke up in my bathroom, had no idea why, live in a parallel universe, and have a 'hyoo-man' herd called a "Harem" with 72 virgin 'hyoo-mans' waiting for you at home, which happens to be a seven story Castle?" The white alicorn repeated back to Anon.
"Yep." Anon replied. The princess sighed. She'd never seen a creature like this before, and one with a complete natural immunity to unicorn and alicorn magic all the while, which was a pain since lie detecting spells fizzle out at his words.
Still, one more question remained on her mind. "Anon, What's that metal carriage in my yard? It spooked the animals, and Fluttershy has been calming them down since."
Anon pondered the princess’ question until his memories caught up to him. ”Metal Carriage? oh shit, my caravan, sorry, that might be my stuff." Eyes turn, pinpricks.
"A-Anon!" The purple unicorn, Twilight Sparkle, speaks up. "You don't swear at the princess! H-how? She should be treated with respect! I don't even-"
"Twilight." Celestia interrupts. "I'm sure of how Anon is apparently from a different dimension, maybe it means something different than excrement."
Anon leaned back, tilting the chair slightly and smiled. "Nah princess, it means the same thing. Shit, Poop, evacuating the bowels, takin' the Cosby's out to the public pool, you know." Anon leans back up into his chair as the room are shooting dark glares. "Woah, this staring, I know I'm hot, but I can't fuck the lot of you at once." Even some of the guards are pulling the death stare. "Sheesh, kids can't take a joke."
"Kids!?" Rainbow dash pipes up. "We ain't goats, you moronic chimp!"
Anon was quick to rebuttal. "Chimp? Shut up filthy heretic, you fucking poster pony for abortion!"
gasps fill the room, Rainbow dash looks visibly hurt. One of the guards at the door is failing at hiding his laughter, bursting out, but stopping after being shot death glares by Celestia. "Gray, throne room in an hour. Meanwhile, Anon..." Celestia frowns. "That's some nerve you got, slurring in-front a princess. And that comment, 'Poster child for abortion?' was... creative. But, you come in here, get into my bathroom, freak out my student and her friends, and most of all, you waste my time. I'd admit it, you clearly don't belong here at all. I'll call up a pegasai squadron, air-lift your stuff, and get you down to Ponyville, you are an absolute waste of time. Just take a royal chariot, I want you out of sight."
'Well Shit.' Anon thought to himself, as 2 guards pushed him out of the door. 'This isn't how this was supposed to go.' The door slammed shut as the crowd erupted back into speech.
"ah don't believe, that hyoo-man has some nerves!"
"That guy is so uncool!"
"I agree Rainbow, that trench-coat he was uncouth!"
"Ponies!" Celestia brings order back to the table. "he might be a bit... odd. But, if that one wasn't lying, the hyoo-man race is strong, and even if lying, he has extreme magical resistance. I hope you girls can keep an eye on him. I'm, uh, testing you with him, Twilight, yeah." Twilight beamed, It had been a while since Celestia 'tested' her.
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Anon sighed, He knew this was going to be a long day, not a good first impression on his part. A voice perks from beside him.
"Uh, hey, Anon, was it? You got some balls, having that tone with the princess, Takes some guts." Hey, it's Grey, the guard at the meeting. "We've got your things hooked up. We'll lift them down into Ponyville. I, uh, got business to attend to in the throne room. The Royal Carriage is waiting." He pointed to a golden carriage off to the side, with 2 pegasi strapped in.
Anon sighed. "Today's the first day of the end of my life..." Climbing into the carriage, Anon laid back as the two pegasi flew into the clouds. Anon stared at Ponyville in the distance, his new home, a nice slice of urine stained heaven with a little sodomy on the side. "New beginnings." Anon said, smiling at the shanty town.
Author's Note
This is just an intro, expect longer chapter's later!
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Anon's Week in Equestrian Paradise
Day 1. - Equestria's Free As The Rent We Don't Pay
Day 1.
It's been a month since Anon has been transported to Equestria, and our lovable hero is currently sitting on his ass reading a history book from the local library.
"Oh, fuck off." Anon got off the caravan sofa, closing the book and pulling out a small list from his back pocket. It was his to-do list. "Lets see here; Best moon princess, non-con Diamond Tiara, the narrator's wife for the second time, the reader's mom- shit, this is the wrong to-do list." shoving the parchment back into his pocket, his fished around for a bit before pulling out another list. "Ah, here it is. Cash in that check from Celestia, return this history book to Twiggy, oh, can't forget my afternoon Tea at the local cafe." Sighing, he prepared to finish today's chores.
Anon walked to the front door of the creaking caravan, opening a cabinet next to the it and taking out a Remington XP-100 and a small box of 30 .221 fireball cartridges out next to the bipolar weapon. Grabbing the backpack next to the door and kicking open the dented entrance to the warm summer air, he stepped out, before shutting and locking up his home. “I Fucking love Friday’s.”
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The steel door to Ponyville's bank swung open with Anon's kick. Check in hand, the macho man stepped into the small queue, behind a sweating gryphon who checked the chained watch in his pack every couple of minutes. He seemed to be shooting glances at a small group of gryphons loitering at the other side of the bank, before staring at the teller and whimpering. Stepping up to the teller, he started fishing though the small pack on his side before pulling out a crossbow.
"G-Give me all the bits before I pull this trigger!" The gryphon shouted. Suddenly, the other 4 gryphons loitering at the other side of the bank pulled out their puny little crossbows too, pointing it at the other bank workers and innocent bystanders alike. Watching the manager of the bank carry several bags of bits towards her from the back room, the anxious gryphon kept concentrated on the unicorn behind the desk.
"Yo, Bird-dick, over here." Turning to his left, the gryphon stared down what he’d call ‘the tube of the strange wood and metal contraption’ the local human was holding.
SPLAT!
The unicorn at the front-desk watched as the gryphon's head jerked back, blood and brains painting the canvas behind him. The human, Anonymous, stepped up to the front desk, his voice muffled from the ringing in the unicorns ears.
"Hello?" The unicorn, petrified with fear, refused to react. "Hey, about some service over here?" The unicorn looked up in shock, as the human rolled his eyes when a bolt flew above his head. “Kid’s these days don’t respect their elders time...” Racking the bolt back on his XP-100 and inserting another bullet, cocked it forwards and raised it to the armed group of gryphons. Firing his second shot.
“Fuck.” Well, nobody said Anon was a good shot. His hasty aiming rewarded him with his bullet lodged into the wall behind the gryphon, who was also prepping her aim, talon shaking in fear.
Anon stood up to his tallest height. “That was a warning shot! Leave before you shall be forgotten to time!” Racking the bolt back, prepped another shot. The two gryphon’s in his view were shaking in terror. Wait, two? Anon hardly had any time before catching a bolt in the shoulder. Falling back too far, fell over the counter. He heard the one thing no-one would want in his current situation. His gun misfiring.
“B-Buck!” Anon looked over from behind the counter to see lady luck on his side: his misfire resulted in a gryphon falling from the sky, a bullet tore through her leg. Spiraling downwards, she landed on the ground with a thud. She limped forwards towards the door of the bank, in an obvious retreat. Her companions though, went forwards towards the desk.
Reloading his shot, he prepared to fire again. “Cockroaches. Want to fuck with Nonny Montana...” He listened to the gryphons slowly scamper towards the desk, whispering to each-other.
The first gryphon turned to his companion. “I can’t believe Greg is dead, man. It wasn’t supposed to go like this.” The gryphon started whimpering. “C-Can you get his pay to his son Gallus?” Staring into his companion’s eyes, the gryphon smiled at his sympathetic nod, near instantly turn to horror, as he watched his companions head jerk back as Anon’s bullet racked through his skull.
The gryphon’s turned his head. “T-This was supposed to be an easy, no injury job. You...” His look contorted in anger. “YOU! YOU KILLED MY BROTHER, WOUNDED A CHICK AND CREATED AN ORPHAN! WHAT IS EVEN GOING THROUGH YOUR HEAD RIGHT NOW, MONSTER!?” The gryphon growled in fury.
Anon stared back at the gryphon with a grin. “That retarded, cheap villains should stop doing stupid monologues, giving me time to aim and reload.” The gryhon’s face quickly changed to fear, before another shot of Anon’s ‘pistol’ racked a bullet between the gryphon’s eyes. “Seriously, where did these villains come from? Little kid’s TV shows?” Stepping up to the whimpering stallion of a manager, Anon took several bags of bits off his back. “Score!” Anon was overjoyed to find nearly triple his welfare check in one of the bags alone. “Fuckin’ knew she was holding out on me. ”
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Unloading his gun, Anon walked past the platoon of unlucky royal guards heading towards the bank to admire his handiwork. Turning around the corner, headed towards the expansive tree library in the center of town, contemplating what to eat after returning his book. Anon, stepping up to the door and kicking it open forcefully, Spike soon regretted being too close to the other side.
Anon stared at the angry dragon he’d hit with the door. “Dude, don’t just barge in like that!” The dragon whined. He seemed he forgot where he was.
Anon sighed. “This is a public library, Spyro.” Anon gave the nickname to Spike and it stuck for both of them, surprisingly. Anon stares at Spike with a cheeky smile. “How’s life, Broseph Brostar?” Raising his hand, Anon and Spike shared a bro-fist. Anon reminisced on the time he met Spike, sharing common ground on being the only males been though the harsher side of life - After reading into Spike’s birth, Anon realized that if Twilight was a foal when Spike was born, and currently in her late 20’s, then it makes Spike in his teenage years and from that, Anon showed Spike the finer points of adult life.
Also, Spike is a pretty metal name, in Anon’s books. “Hey Anon, you here for pleasure or business?” Spike put aside his broom and caught a small bag Anon tossed towards him, then also catching a book with his offhand; turns out working with a librarian that can make books fly towards you really trains ones reflexes.
Spike stares at the book you gave him. “I’ll put this book in the income pile, despite the fact you just took it off the shelf and walked out with it. Twilight probably didn’t notice, she’s busy spazzing out about how she hasn’t written a friendship report this week, and rushed out earlier with her doll, Smarty Pants, shouting about you, Anon. What’s this?” Spike turned to the bag, his eyes contracting at the sight of the several dozen bits inside. “Dude, these are Sunbits! The conversion rate is 100:1 to normal bits? How’d you get this many?”
Anon contemplated on what spike just said. “Wait… There are different bits now?” Anon’s life flashed before his eyes, focusing on a moment of his past, 2 weeks ago.
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“Hey Rainbow, you got any cider in?” Anon said from his spot near the beach.
Him and Rainbow Dash had managed to come to terms and even hang out sometimes when Anon gave Rainbow the Idea to move her house with her to many of the cool hangout spots in town, and he even gave her an idea to build a giant cock out of clouds near the Ponyville school and blame it on Thunderlane as revenge for ditching this tornado creation thing Twilight was working on, halfway through the project.
Rainbow checked the mini-fridge by her, before noticing the inevitable; “Anon, there’s only one cider left. Dibs.”
Anon stared at rainbow before producing a strange bit he found on the floor of the Cafhay where Anon goes for his afternoon tea. “I’ll give you this bit for it.”
“Deal.”
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Anon’s face turned to pure, unadulterated anger. Spike closed his ears and prepared for the inevitable.
“I PAID FUCKING BLUE FAST 100 BITS FOR A FUCKING BOTTLE OF APPLE CIDER?”
Spike watched as Anon booted the door of the library open again, bolting out of the library down the street. Turning around, Spike noticed some books have fallen off the shelves due to Anon’s mighty foot. “Its one of those days,” he muttered to himself, working on re-shelving.
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“Alright Anon, it was your fault, you should of studied this place’s currency a tad more.” Anon huffed. The stress of today in Ponyland has got him in a twist, and his Tea has been rescheduled to now. The onlookers on the street all saw the look in Anon’s eyes, and most already knew not to fuck with his tea time. Since Pinkie messed with his tea one time people knew not to fuck with Anon’s tea time. Heading to his favorite cafe, the owner was already ready with Anon’s tea. Sitting at the table, the owner walked up to the local Human. “The same tea as the last 28 cups, Mr. Mous, you know drill. 4 bits.”
Anon reached into his pocket with a smile, pulling out 2 Sunbits. “Cups at my leisure, you know how I like em, Hot Coffee. Keep the change.” The owner was Anon’s first friendship in this quaint village- He’d sit at the table, joke and laugh with Anon, and later in the day would ‘accidentally’ slip some Gryphon whiskey into Anon’s tea at his request.
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After some magic basic first aid from Coffee himself, after noticing the arrow still protruding out of his shoulder and a couple drinks with Coffee’s secret Ingredient, Anon was a bit squiffy. “An’ then, all of a sudden, Grey got erect on post! I don’t think he knew me n’ Gideon slipped magic Viagra into ‘is drink!” Anon boasted. Coffee laughed before heading back inside the store with Anon’s dishes, leaving Anon drunk alone. Stumbling off the chair, he started to walk towards the side of town where his caravan resided, weaving on the street, he decided to lie in for the day as soon as he was home.
“Eh, what’s this now?” Anon walked forward, spotting what seemed to be a doll in the middle of the street. “Smharty pants!” It was Twilight’s doll. It tingled in Anon’s fingers. Picking it up, Anon started stumbling back to his caravan.
“Monkey, give me that doll. I want it.” Anon stopped and turned towards the voice. It was Mayor Mare. Anon Stared as hard as he could, knowing about Mayor Mare’s racism first-hand. Or is it first-hoof? “Ahm not a munkey…” Anon bared his teeth. “And this doll isn’t yours.”
Mayor Mare charged him. Anon had hardly any time to react as they both toppled to the ground, fighting over the doll. Twilight came out of the darkness between two houses, Anon screamed for help, he didn’t want to injure her due to repercussions, also Anon thought Twilight would take her doll back and end the fighting.
Imagine Anon’s surprise as Twilight sat down and started spouting friendship bullshit. “And sharing is caring! Also, when you want something from somepony else, what do you say?” Anon watched as a hoof hit the ground right next to him.
Anon’s had enough. “Ack!” Anon watched his fist connect to Mayor Mare’s face, a tooth coming loose with a little blood. Rolling underneath her, Anon picked up the doll with himself onto his legs. Now prepared for the attack, Anon kneed Mayor Mare In the face, connecting with a sickening snap, as he dislocated her jaw.
A shout from his left filled Anon with fear. “Give me that doll!” Turning left he saw 6 Ponies galloping towards him. Quickly turning his heel, bolted at top speed. Knowing he would be outrun, he turned corners to loose them. Looking back, he saw most of the town on his ass. “SHIT, SHIT, SHIT, SHIT!!!” Bolting down an alley, Anon’s fear hit an all time high. It was a Dead end. Turning around, he saw most of the town squeezed into the alley. Scared of his life, Anon drew his rifle, before seeing the strap. “I have an idea...”
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Entering the alley and pushing past the other ponies, Big Mac saw his beloved doll in the hold of that ‘hyoo-man’, by a chord on the end of that weird metal contraption of his. Charging towards the doll, he soon found it in front of him, just out of reach. Every time he went forward, so did the doll. So he did what any-pony would do. Ignoring the new weight on his back, he ran as fast as he can towards it.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHH” Anon screamed, holding the doll on the string in front of Big Mac, riding him as the brain-dead horse charged forward separating the crowds at will. Holding onto the yoke, Anon Narrowed his body, using the doll to turn and weave. Dodging pedestrians and the occasional table, Anon found himself in-front of the princess of the sun. With Celestia casting a spell, Ponies stopped the ruckus and awkward glances were shared between Anon, Celestia and Big Mac.
Hopping off his back, Anon and Big Mac turned to each-other. “Next Week?” Anon spoke out loud, holding eye contact with Big mac.
“Eyup.”
With Big Mac galloping into the distance and with the day coming to a close, Anon shared uneasy glances with Celestia. “I’ll deal with you tomorrow. We have much business to discuss.” Celestia suddenly exclaimed, turning to Twilight Sparkle. “Library. Now.” Following Sunbutt, Anon ‘n’ friends followed her into the library.
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“B-But I’m supposed to send you a letter about friendship every week. I missed the deadline. I’m a bad student, I’m tardy!” Twilight whined. hoofing at the floor. Anon rolled his eyes at the purple ponies sensitivity, until a light-bulb turned on in his head.
Before Celestia spoke up, Anon cleared his throat, drawing attention to himself. “Twilight fucking owes me for this...” Turning to Celestia, began to speak. “Dear Princess Celestia. Today in my adventures, I found that even when cornered, be it in a solution of a problem or a literal alleyway, good friends will always be there to push you beyond your limits and carry you out of trouble, be it figurative or literal.”
Celestia nor Twilight never expected that of Anon. Sure, his wacky antics and bat-shit crazy nature is why Celestia wanted to keep him in check and have the elements nearby just in case, but an honest-to-current pony in the room friendship report? Now that was special.
Of course, this would be a very special moment if Anon didn’t have an erection he didn’t care to notice. “Now, Celestia, can you please explain why the fuck I was chased by half the town?”
Celestia turned to Anon, pointing her head at Twilight. “Wait, Twilight did this?” Anon stared at Twilight, before she nodded.
“MOTHERFUCKER!”
Author's Note
Woo, first day done! Give notes in the comments section; every bit helps me with my technique! Also, here's a picture from Wikipedia for anyone confused about Anon's weapon:
Anon's Week in Equestrian Paradise
Day 2 - (Not) My Idea of Fun.
Author's Note
This Chapter was supposed to be released Monday, which I'm hoping to bring out a new chapter every Monday. This has a LOT more talking than the last; More action and regular debauchery next time on ~~Dragon Ball Z~~ Anon's week in Paradise.
Day 2.
Putting his gun maintenance tools down, Anon got up from his chair, after putting his XP-100 onto the coffee table and turned to his backpack, opening it and unloading the contents onto the floor. Several small bags of golden coins flooded Anon’s floor, about half bearing the mark of the sun, while the other’s marking the symbol of the moon. All but one of the bags into a small safe behind a painted picture of a German Shepard. Pocketing the extra coin purse, placed the dog painting back in it’s rightful spot. Afterwards, Anon stepped into the spare bedroom-now-turned-storeroom, and grabbing a cardboard shoe-box. Lifting it under his arm, he soon found the day starting at the knock on his door.
Knock knock
Turning to the caravan door, Anon walked over and opened the dingy, dented entrance. “Hello?” he called, having a feeling he already knew who was behind it. His assumption was right.
“Anon.” The solar princess called back. Sighing, he opened the door. “Anon, we have much to discuss.” Anon shut the door for a moment, grabbing the now-empty backpack and slinging his pistol around his shoulder. Opening the door again, the princess tried to step inside.
Only to be body-blocked by Anon. “No entry. We’ll talk at my favorite cafe; better mood.” stepping aside, Anon, equipped with his Remington XP-100, opened his mailbox and grabbed the 3 letters inside, then walking towards the local Cafhay, with the Princess soon following behind.
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Sitting down at the outside tables, the whole cafe was in shock; the local human was just becoming normal, but Celestia coming down to the out of the way, dingy establishment was out of the ordinary. Most ponies quickly got off their stools and bowed. Waving them away, Anon stood up, and waved at Hot Coffee, currently in the window, shaking violently and probably pissing himself due to the princess. Manning up, he trotted through the door and, shaking like an epileptic, reached the side of the table. Raising his pen and notepad in his magic, Anon quickly ordered his drink. “A Nice tea with a bit of your ‘super’ secret ingredient, Hot coffee.” Hot Coffee knew Anon was extremely stressed; the ‘super’ secret ingredient was strong vodka from Stalingrad. Turning to the princess, Anon motioned her to order.
Turning to Hot Coffee, Celestia broke tension with a smile. “Whatever Anon is having will do.” Anon quickly preformed a dry spit-take at what he just heard.
Turning to Celestia, Anon spoke up. “Celestia, that isn’t a good idea. Trust me.”
She turned to Anon in confusion. “Why not? Whatever is the problem with it?”
“It’s uhh… Expensive.” Anon stuttered, trying to think of an excuse.
“Well, I won’t buy one if it is.” Anon sighed in relief. That was lucky.
Celestia turned to Hot Coffee, who was shaking even more. “Put it on the Diplomacy allowance of Equestria.”
Anon quickly stared back to Celestia in disbelief. “Celestia, It’s bitter, an acquired taste! It’s not for you.”
Celestia groaned. “We aren’t debating this. Now go, and bring us our drinks, waiter.”
Anon leaned back with only one thing on his mind. ‘Shieeeeeeeeeeeeeeet.’
Celestia turned to Anon, clearing her throat. “Now Anon, lets start with the results of my researcher's tests.” Anon turned back to her, now attentive. “Lets start with the internal magic scan. We’ve found how your body has an immunity to magic. You don’t.”
Now Anon was confused. Celestia sighed and continued. “This is going to be confusing, but let me explain to the best of my ability. You don’t have Immunity to magic, you have immunity to assigned magic. You see, when any creature from Equus uses magic, the magic assigns to that being. For example, when Twilight Sparkle casts a spell, she uses the magic in the air and it assigns to her; she then command’s it to do things such as levitate an object. For some odd reason, Assigned magic repels you like two of the same poles of a magnet. The force that it uses is extremely strong, watch yourself around assigned magic. Your body is too unaccustomed to general magic to assign magic to yourself. You actually need accessible internal magic for that; If you were to absorb or a large chunk of powerful magic got under your skin, and it was enough for you to start making your own internal magic, this would mean you could be affected by magic, theoretically. But, in return, you would be able to assign magic to yourself, meaning you might be able to use assigned magic in some way.”
Before Anon let that sink in, his mind pondered a question. “Wait, If Assigned magic repels me, what about unassigned magic?” Anon felt a chill down his spine, as Celestia kept a straight face.
His worries were for naught, as Celestia soon showed a smile. “Anon, this brings me to my next topic. But first, a little information- when a being assigns magic to itself, that a lot of the magical power of the unassigned magic will be lost. Because of this, most magical researcher's have put a lot of time and effort in order to find a way to control unassigned magic like its counterpart. The only being to ever put this in working motion is Starswirl the bearded, however the power it took to control it took too much energy to have an effect on the amount of magical power used in casting- it took a lot of assigned magic to even start casting with unassigned magic. Now Starswirl disappeared over 4 thousand years ago, and researchers have been stumped since. But, there has been what seems to be new information.” Anon sat back staring at Celestia eyes.
She held eye contact. “Anon. According to the magical consumption tests, you can somewhat control unassigned magic at full potential.”
Anon stared at the table in thought. He could use magic. Random images of Anon casting ‘Accio!’ dildo behind Twilight sparkle popped in his head, causing him to giggle inside. But he could use some sort of magic.
He turned back to Celestia. “I have several questions. How much of a power boost is it over assigned magic? How do I even use it? And the most important question; Does Twilight know? If she finds out, it could be bad.”
Celestia was about to answer Anon’s burning questions, before a silver platter, with two mugs were put onto the desk. Pieces of card with Anon’s and Celestia’s name were in front of each cups respectively. “Your tea, your highness.” Hot Coffee bowed before walking away, before winking at Anon. He probably didn’t put vodka in the princess’s coffee. No, he wouldn’t have the guts.
Anon’s tea however, was fair game. Reaching for his mug, Anon was about to pick it up before his mug was switched with Celestia’s via the solar princess’s magic. “What? there’s nothing wrong with a switch if our drinks are the same!” Before Anon could respond, Celestia took a sip.
And another.
And then drank the whole cup.
Celestia’s eyes sparkled. “This is… Perfect! It’s sweet, with a tasty undertone hoof polish remover. I can’t believe me and Luna drank that stuff when we were younger, oh the memories.” Standing at full height, Celestia turned to Hot Coffee. “This is the best tea I have ever drunk! Another 10 Mugs for me and Anon!” Turning to sit back down, Anon noticed all the ponies around Celestia hanging onto her every word. Hot Coffee is going to get a lot more business soon.
Anon buried his hands into his face. With only one thought on his mind. “Shit.”
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“Psh, Anon, Twilight doesn’t knowwww….” Celestia slurred. “Don’t werry, everythin’s fine.” Anon sighed. He has to take care of the drunk princess.
Anon continued slowly walking forward, as Celestia leaned onto him for support. “Come on, we’re going to the library; It’s Spike’s birthday.” Hobbling forward, they reached the door of the library.
Twilight opened the door. “Anon? What are you doing here?” Twilight stared at Anon with a look of confusion, before noticing Celestia perched on his shoulder “P-Princess Celestia? What are you doing here!?” Twilight quickly bowed, oblivious to the princess’s drunken state.
Princess Celestia turned to Twilight. “My student, yer princess need’s a…” Princess raised a hoof, before nearly collapsing to the floor. Rainbow Dash, noticing the smell of alcohol, giggled with Anon. Twilight went gray, and with a speed that made Rainbow Dash shake, Twilight teleported to the princess' side, allowing her majesty to lean on her, and helped the princess up the stairs to Twilight's bed.
Anon, breaking his laughter, turned to the line of ponies at the side of the room. Lining up next to them, took the box under his shoulder into both of his hands.
Spike came from the back of the room. “Whoa, are those presents for me?” Staring at the line each holding their own gift.
Applejack trotted forward, passing him her gift on the way. “You bet they are, birthday boy!” Fluttershy was next, delicately placing her gift on top of Applejack’s. Pinkie rushed after, then Rainbow Dash. Anon, watching Spike struggle hold his gifts up, used on of his hands to lift the dumbbell off of the top of the leaning tower and place it next to Spike. Sighing, Spike placed the gifts on a clear table.
Anon, taking the box and handing it to Spike, held his fist out and bumped, knuckle to claw. “Happy birthday, Dovahkiin.” Spike, putting your gift next to the others, looked over the gifts with a strange expression.
Rainbow perks up. “Don’t you know you get presents on your birthday?”
Spike looks back. “Actually, this Is my first birthday in Ponyville, I usually just get 1 present. From Twilight. A Book.” Twilight, who has just come back from Celestia, backs up the stairs with an embarrassed look, holding a gift which looks like a book.
“Speaking of Spike...” Rarity eyes a gem which Spike is holding which looks like a love heart. “As I have said before, that fire gem looks wonderful, it would be amazing to use in a wonderful dress!” Rarity fluttered her eyes in order to look more appealing. They say Anon’s glare could revive the dead.
Thankfully, Spike has grown mentally from Rarity’s last encounter. “No Rarity.” Spike rolls his eyes. “Like Anon says; sharing is caring, but if you care too much about something else you forget about yourself.” Rarity’s jaw dropped.
Anon, grinning at the display, moved to Pinkie Pie, who was at the punch bowl. Taking a cup, Anon sat back as Rarity whispered something about ‘corruption’ repeatedly, then fainted. Spike, ignoring the display and the 5 wide -eyed ponies staring at him, moved next to Anon. This was one of those parties.
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After a bit of mumbling, the party soon got into full swing, with cake and punch. After a toast and some mingling, Spike found himself opening presents. “Thank you Applejack for a fireproof blanket, I needed a new one after the last one got set on fire and ended up neatly into Celestia’s soup.” Moving onto Anon’s present, Spikes eyes lit up. “Anon! How did you get a mint copy signed first edition of volume one of the power ponies!? And in a flame retardant cover!”
Anon laughed. “Connection’s Spike.” And some regrets.
Anon was gently pulled aside by Rarity. “Mr Anonymous.” she held a stern and angered look.
“Bitch.” Rarity was flabbergasted. “Yeah, my opinion and trust of you is about the same amount of trust and opinion I'd put in Stalin.” Rarity’s face was pure red in anger.
She sighed and calmed down. Soon after, Spike left for sugar-cube corner, and the duo was joined with 5 other girls. Anon noticed what was going on, with seats all in a circle and the gang on one each. “This is an intervention?” The gang looked at each-other in surprise in the fact that Anon guessed it on the first try. Anon whipped out his Remington XP-100. “WHERE’S THE GOD-DAMN FIRE? IS THIS A ROAST? I’VE ALWAYS WANTED TO BE ROASTED! Oh wait, let me shift gears here, shit I don’t have a spliff.” The others were confused. “Uncultured ponies don’t get the reference...” With Anon sitting down on the only open chair, Twilight cleared her throat.
Twilight looked serious. “Anon, we’re here today to talk about your problems. Though it may not seem like it in hindsight, but Anonymous, your problems are starting to affect the rest of us. Some more than others. Now we’re going to pass around this pillow, and whoever has it is allowed to speak. Are there any question’s beforehand you would like to ask?” Anon shook his head. “Alright.” Twilight levitates the pillow over to Rainbow Dash.
Rainbow dash leaves the pillow in front of her, turning to speak with Anon. “Anon, I don’t really have much issues with you to sort out…” Twilight shot a death glare. “Okay, maybe 1. How can you drink so much? Your kidney’s must be failing by now; I’ve seen you openly drink scotch directly out the bottle in public, just ripping the label off isn’t making it invisible. Why?” Rainbow waits for Anon’s reply.
Rolling his eyes, Anon leaned back. “Something crazy happens every other fucking day here. Where’s my peace and quiet? Rainbow, I bet you 100 bits right here right now somebody’s going to cause major destruction by the end of this week- and today’s Saturday! I just want to walk down the street without being gawked at for once. I mean, come on. If I have to dull my senses to do it so be it.”
“Deal.” Rainbow shot back.
“Wait, what?” Anon replied, confused.
“you get 100 bits if it does, but if the town isn’t under a major crisis by the end of this week, I’m helping you quit drinking.” Shit, Anon meant that as a joke. Before Anon could reply, Rainbow threw the pillow over to Rarity.
Rarity, catching the pillow with her magic, sat up. “Anon, why do you hate me?”
Anon rolled his eyes. “Why would I like you?” Rarity was taken aback by this. Deciding to expand on his point, Anon stood up. “No, seriously, what makes you, Rarity a good pony? You, despite your element, are not generous. You take advantage of a baby dragon, lead him into an area full of diamond dogs, dig up a LOT of gems, and I mean enough to buy a house in my country, and give him a SINGLE, fucking gem? at least make it fair trade! Oh, and lets not get into the real meat of the issue here; you are taking advantage of his crush. Tell me Rarity, in honesty, In full, blooded truth: When you took advantage of his love, were you ever going to give him a chance?” Anon waited for a reply.
Rarity’s eyes dart around for a second, before replying. “Of course! I’ll give Spike a chance, he’s wonderful, sweet, caring and all around a great dragon!” Anon was taken aback by the answer. Before forging a reply, a voice comes from the other side of the circle.
“Your lyin’.” All heads turn to the speaker. It was Applejack. “Your not bein’ honest.” Gasps flooded in the circle. For the element of honesty to doubt your claims seems to be a big influence on everybody, it seems.
Anon turned back to Rarity. “Pass the pillow.” Rarity did what she was told. Levitating it into the air, the next one to grab it was a purple hoof. “Lets all calm down. Just, can we focus on Anon’s intervention now, and deal with this after?” Everyone nodded, Apple-jack reluctantly, and Anon sat back down. “Alright. Anon.” turning to the human, gave a look of sympathy... and a bit of guilt? “Anon, what's with your disrespect to authority? Is there any reason behind that?” Twilight asked, with Anon noticing a couple of notepads floating in her magic.
Sighing, Anon decided to be clean. “Twilight, it’s about human governments.” An additional 2 notepads flew up behind her. “Settle in folks, let Papa Anonymous tell you a story. Oh, and try to keep this between you six.” Anon cleared his throat, preparing his story.
==============================================================================================
Anon continued his story with gun sign to his head. “So, the big bad Hitler blew his brains out in his bunker, and not long after, Germany surrendered. But Japan were sticking to their guns, so we created these big bombs that could take out Canterlot, Cloudsdale, Ponyville, and Appleloosa, as well as give those in Detrot, Fillydelphia and Manehatten nuclear fallout and give all their foals cancer, and fired 2 of them in their major towns. ”
Anon snapped out of his storytelling, observing the ponies around him; Fluttershy was shaking in the corner, Rarity fainted pretty early on, Rainbow Dash froze wide-eyed, Applejack left, and Twilight was still writing while suppressing the urge to hurl. Pinkie was pinkie, and was already planning her holocaust themed cake in her head.
Suddenly, a pony barged through the door. “Twilight, come quick! there’s a dragon attack!” The pony’s perked up at the message. Pushing the horrid tale to the back of their minds, Anon and company barged out of the door to see a giant, purple dragon attacking the town, which had no wings and shared an uncanny resemblance to Spike.
Of course, Anon turned to Rainbow Dash, with the biggest, most noticeable, shit-eating grin. Reaching into his bag, pulled out a bottle of whiskey and downed it. Rainbow dash, with a look of pure hatred, flew forward when she felt a necklace snap around her neck. Twilight Sparkle, arming everyone with the elements of harmony, prepared a shot to the dragon. Anon walked closer to the dragon as Twilight’s ranged attack of the dragon with her Deus Ex machina necklace’s blasted the dragon easily, watching as it shrunk down to size of a baby dragon…
Anon realized it was Spike. “Fuck. Well, your screwed if I don’t do anything about it.” Running forward, Anon quickly hid the knocked out Spike under his coat, as 6 certain technicolor horses rushed around the corner.
The purple one quickly turned to Anon. “What happened to the dragon?!” Twilight panted, looking to Anon for answers.
Anon quickly made up bullshit. “It spoke to me before leaving… he uh… Yeah, he was being hunted by poachers! He snapped like a twig, and thought this was a village in ‘nam! And then he went that way!” Pointing down a random road, the girls listened to Anon’s words and left. “Suckers.”
Taking the coat off of the dragon, Anon noticed Spike was glowing and growing. “Shit.” Stepping back, Anon watched Spike grow around the size of Anon. Purple, large leathery wings grew onto Spike’s back. Spike still lay unconscious. Anon, sighing in relief, hoisted the now heavy dragon onto his back, heading back towards the tree-house. “Fuck my shitty life.” Anon said to himself, drinking from the bottle in his offhand.
Anon entered library and lay Spike onto the couch. Sitting next to them, Anon leaned back and passed out.
Anon's Week in Equestrian Paradise
Day 3. - Bells and Whistles.
Author's Note
Give me hard criticism please lads, it makes me hard.
Also, I said there will be no explicit item X into slot Y in the description, but, spoiler alert, Anon uses his dick as a safecracker.
Day 3.
“Oh my, are they...”
“Is that Anon?”
“That explains why he was so protective, ah think...”
Anon woke peacefully to the muttering of voices around him. Still a bit tired from the events of yesterday, and not used to waking up this early, his closed his eyes to rest and pushed deeper into what he assumed to be the warm, hard yet surprisingly comfortable backboard of Twilight’s sofa. The backboard hugged back. It was at this moment, Anon knew, that this was not Twilight's sofa. He rolled over slowly, in order to not disturb the other presence with him. Opening his eyes, he saw hard purple and green scales. Anon realized that he was little spoon with Spike on the sofa. Turning back around, he noticed Twilight, Fluttershy and Applejack’s stares and prominent blushes.
Anon sat up. “This is not what it looks like.” Looking down, he realized he was shirtless and that his belt was slightly undone. “I don’t even know what this is.” Anon monologued to himself out loud. Spike, behind him, hugged harder. After a bumpy feeling on his back, It was apparent to Anon and the other 3 ponies in the room a big detail. Silence ensued.
Anon spoke to Twilight. “Is that what I think it is?”
Twilight, coughed into her hoof. “if you’re thinking nocturnal penile tumescence, then yes.”
Anon, standing at full height, put on his shirt, jacket and fastened his belt before shaking Spike. “Wake up, Spike.” Yawning, Spike opened his eyes.
Sitting up, he stared around the room. “Hey Anon.” Standing at full height, Spike’s newfound growth put his thigh’s at the same level of a pony’s head. Looking down, Spike realized he had also had a ‘newfound growth’ last night. Bolting into the bathroom, Anon was left with the 3 awkward ponies.
Anon, grabbing his stuff and heading to the door, turned to the 3 ponies in the room. “Don’t tell Rarity. Or anyone else for that matter.”
===========================================================================================
Walking into the dry, sunny skies, Anon walked down the street. Now awake fully, he decided to get a start on chores early. Going to his favorite cafe, he ordered his usual, pulled a pen out of his jacket and took a napkin to make his to do list for today. After 2 cups of tea and thinking for a couple minutes, Anon finally wrote down what he needed to do today.
~~-Have Tea~~
-Get ‘Groceries’
-Look for the being known as Zecora in the woods for herbs.
Happy with his simple list, Anon diverted from his usual path out towards barnyard bargains, instead opting for the new store in town he had yet to check out. Walking forward, he took the detour to pick up his groceries for the afternoon. Stepping out of his chair, he headed down the city streets, to the outer town limit.
===========================================================================================
Heading through the door, Anon quickly grabbed a basket and headed down the aisle. Grabbing his usual shopping of food and other basic supplies, Anon headed to the front counter. The pony there spun on his stool and turned to Anon. Loading the cart of Anon’s shopping into plastic bags, Anon piped up. “Hey, give me a bottle of Grandpa Gruff’s Hard knock Whiskey, And a bottle of Stalliongrad vodka.”
The cashier looked intently at the knife on Anon’s hip and the dark coat on his back. Looking Anon in the eyes, asked Anon a question. “What is the color of night?”
Anon, hit with a wave of nostalgia, instinctively answered. “Sanguine, my brother.”
The cashier laughed heartily. “Ah! You must be the one that Filly-of-mother Shine Moon was talking about! From Manhattan was talking about! Come, craftsman, we have the largest chemistry set and storage between all the other hideouts!” Walking to the backdoor, Anon quickly grabbed his shopping basket and put it under the desk. Heading forward, he followed the cashier to the backroom. It was dusty, however Anon quickly noticed that the cabinet at the side was clean; walking past the cashier, he swung it open to find a corridor. The cashier, trotting down the corridor, waved Anon to follow. They soon came to a door. Following the cashier inside, Anon soon came into a clean, warm, dim-lit workshop, hustling with activity. Though dim-lit however, Anon could clearly notice the dark-blue pedestal, holding large armor with several gems taped to it and giant portrait of Nightmare Moon on the wall. Suddenly, activity stopped as most workers moved to the middle. Suddenly, the gems on the armor filled with a dark blue color, before expanding outwards into a large head.
It opened it’s eyes. “My loyal subjects. The reckoning will come soon, the night of our RETRIBUTION!” Cheers echo the room. Anon kept out of sight in the middle of the crowd. “We shall obtain revenge on the horrid sun devil! But first, tell me your plans of recent.” Staring at the crowd, the dark shadow pointed towards a young filly in the crowd. “Tell me filly, what are group B working on?”
The admiration in the filly’s eyes sparkled. Speaking up, it was true that this filly looked up to this shadow. “We are creating propaganda! We’re obtaining more surface members!” the shadow nodded In admiration.
Moving it’s appendage, the shadow pointed at Anon. “And you… minotaur? What do your group have planned?” Sweating as all eyes turned to the newcomer, Anon’s quick thinking and wit worked on a response.
Stepping up, Anon showed his plan. “We shall bomb the mosque of the false moon!” All faces contorted into confusion.
The now angered shadow shouted. “WHY!? Take out the other anti-sun, one that could be our allies, why don’t we just blow up our workshop while we’re at it?!” The shadow waited for a response.
Anon didn’t stand down. “Bomb the mosque, radicalize the moderates, bring it all on!” A single sweat showed on Anon’s brow.
The shadow moved back. “That. Is. BRILLIANT! Do this! Then we will obtain the element’s of harmony with our numbers, and recreate my true body at full power!” Anon sighed. That was totally not a terrible, flawed plan.
“Fuck mini-babybel’s...” Anon heard across the room.
After this encounter, the spirit flowed back into its armor. After some shifting, everyone quickly moved back to work, with the cashier standing next to Anon. “So, lets show you to your workshop...”
===========================================================================================
Anon entered the cramped workspace, following the cashier, Anon quickly sat on the stool and tilted to his workspace. Pulling out his notebook, flipped to the recipe section and started grabbing vials. “Sulfuric acid, check. Nitric acid, check. Water? Check. Two beakers, yeah, wait.” Looking over his desk, he sighed. “Where the fucks the Ice bath and Centigrade thermometer?” He talked to the pony working on timers out of watches.
He stopped tinkering with the pocket watch. “Why do we need them?” the pony tilted his head in confusion. “We have the grace of the nightmare to work our minds to estimate temperature!” Anon hit his head on the desk.
Stepping out of the workshop, Anon found the cashier observing the several other workshops. “Hey, where’s the largest Chemistry set that you pride yourself off?” The cashier nodded, and lead Anon into an industrial-sized chemistry lab; by that, a high school chemistry lab scaled up for the size of giants. “The fuck?” Anon told himself, wondering why this stuff could even be made.
The cashier walked into the room ahead. “Its for dragons.”
Anon looked up in confusion. “Dragons need chemistry equipment now?”
“It’s the current year, anypony can be anypony now.” The cashier walked forward, Clapping his hooves, attending to the crowds of several dozen ponies. “Alright, this is the head chemist from the Manehatten division. He is the smartest chemist here. Please assist our brother with what he needs.” The cashier stepped out.
Anon, turning to the crowd. “Alright, who’s the head here?” A unicorn put his hand up. Anon walked over to the unicorn. “Alright, take this.” writing on a piece of paper, Anon handed the unicorn a set of instructions. “Make as much of this as you can. Follow the instructions to the T, and you’ll be fine.” Checking his pocket-watch, Anon noted the time of 10:45
Looking over the instructions, the unicorn tilted his head. “We can use magic to speed the creation of acid-phenol solution. I don’t even know what were making here. And this last instruction confuses me, Add metal after you make as much as possible? Okay, but I guess you’re the head chemist. We’ll have it done in 2 hours minimum.” Okay, Anon was shocked about how fast they’d make it.
And the little amount of time he had to run.
===========================================================================================
Anon, followed by 74 fillies and colts (He did a headcount) speed-walked and speed-trotted through the tunnel. Checking his watch again, he noted the time. 11:35. He had grabbed the younglings before leaving; Anon still had some heart left, nobody kills a kid.
“Mister Anon, where are we going?” The orange pegasi filly said at the front of the big group. Anon had seen her around Applejack’s farm before this, hanging out with Applebloom.
“Don’t worry, we’re just going on a little trip, and play some games. Lets talk. You got a name?” Anon decided to stall for time until it was too late for the fillies to come back.
“It’s Scootaloo.” The filly replied, as Anon opened the door from the musty rock passageway. Grabbing the basket from behind the desk and walking to the front door, he the door had a sign that read ‘closed for renovations.’ Anon scoffed.
“Well Scootaloo, do you have any good games to play?” Anon Sighed, walking out the door and towards town, with the fillies and colts behind them.
Scootaloo turned to Anon. “With other fillies or adults?” Scootaloo looked a bit worried and tense waiting for Anon’s answer.
Anon noted this. His curiosity flared. “With Adults? What games do you play with adults?” Scootaloo looked extremely worried.
“Well, the orphanage caretaker, Priest-of-the-moon Steel Anvil, made me play this game with him where he’d blindfold me, turned me around and then make me feel funny.” Scootaloo answered. The answer shook Anon to the core. “And then he made me stick something in my behind, it was weird. He said if I tell anypony he’d take away my meal and outside privileges. He played the game with a couple of other of the fillies, too.” Realizing what she is saying, Scootaloo put her hooves to her mouth. “Please don’t tell him I said this! I have a crusader’s meeting tomorrow!”
Anon held a grim smile. “Don’t worry, I promise not to get you in trouble, even though I have plans with him the next time I see him.”
Scootaloo turned to Anon with confusion. “What are you going to do with Mister Anvil?”
Anon chuckled grimly, moving into the view of the park. “Well, I do have have a rusty spoon around, have you ever heard of the process of gelding?”
===========================================================================================
Anon, after confirming and triple checking the headcount with Scootaloo, Anon bought 2 balls from the vendor’s in the market and watched with a giggle as he acted as referee of the brand new sport he introduced to the kids called “Football slash Soccer, depending where your from.”
He didn’t have to do much; the fillies and colts split into 4 equal teams and, using some bins Anon moved over as goals, quickly assigned positions as a team, having a lot of fun bucking for other goals and such. Having 2 pitches and one referee, Anon feared of having to watch them closely at the start, but Anon could actually say, in truth, these were angels compared to kids back on earth.
In the hour he’d been Refereeing he realized it was 25 minutes until the point of no return. Sighing, Anon walked over to the two collective games and whistled with his fingers, causing both games to stop. Colts and fillies lined up in front of Anon collectively. “Alright, we’ll have to cut here for the day.” A collective sigh filled the crowd. “Who says we’re going back? We’d miss the fireworks if we don’t head to sugar-cube corner now!” A collective cheer filled the crowd. Checking his pouch and calculating some prices in his head, he had just enough for ice cream for everyone.
===========================================================================================
After some walking, the 74 younglings crowded the outside of sugar-cube corner. Customer’s didn’t know what to believe; a being like Anon, somehow appealing to kids, having so many fillies around him laughing was extraordinary. Walking into sugar cube corner while the fillies waited outside, Anon pulled the order for ice cream, using his list for Pinkie to make everything as it should. Walking outside, Anon found 2 fillies outside; one wearing a tiara, exerting an aura of wealth around them.
Getting closer, Anon’s blood boiled at their words. “Poor orphan blank flank!” Anon got closer quietly, standing behind them menacingly, while they didn’t notice. “I Bet your parents left you because you’re a blankie!” they shouted at Scootaloo. Scootaloo looked about to cry.
The fillies froze at Anon’s voice. “Yare yare daze-” Anon stopped himself. “I mean, good grief.” The fillies turned around to the human. “Ponies like you are just the worst. You remind me of human children and teenagers. So, if you dislike orphans so much, I hope you don’t hate yourself after I'm finished. If you don’t leave my sight within the next 10 seconds, you’ll know the true meaning of pain.”
The fillies flashed a look of fear, then tried to keep their composure as the pink one spoke up. “You dare threaten me? Do you know who I am? I’m the daughter of Filthy Rich! He owns barnyard bargains! He could crush your life easily! He could-”
Anon cut her off. “4 seconds have passed.”
The pink ponies sweated profusely. “I-I could have him destroy you at a moments notice! Faster than you can blink!”
Anon Sighed again. His face threw true fear into the filly. “6 seconds have passed.”
The pony started shivering. She then did what Anon would expect; Bolt. Scootaloo looked at Anon’s display in amazement. Anon lifted her onto his shoulders and walked back to the crowd. Sitting down in the group and coughing, the children all looked at him as he pointed at the mountain with one word. “Watch.” All the group turned to the mountain in wonder.
-*-
The Unicorn stared in amazement. The amount of this special chemical for Anon easily passed 200 kilograms, no, 400 kilograms. It nearly filled the entire storeroom!
With pride, he opened a small bag containing a solid Iron bar. Walking towards the row big glass beakers, he dropped in the chunk of iron.
-*-
Anon’s eyes lit up as the mountain released a tremor though the town, and then started to crumble. Worry filled the streets until the mountain started to fall in on itself slightly, as the explosion was easily visible. The younglings stared in awe.
Anon Just laughed. “THAT WAS AMAZING!” The group followed Anon’s example, all cheering and pointing. Ponies in the street were all confused at Anon’s antics.
Twilight, coming to the center of town, quickly ran towards Anon. “What the tartarus was that?” Anon, still laughing hysterically, turned to Twilight, calming down.
Clearing his throat, he whistled, causing the kids to stand at attention. “Alright, follow! To the library!” Anon noted the mixed reactions. Following along with a sigh, Twilight stuck close behind Anon. “I’ll explain when we get there, Twilight.” He said following the road.
One of the fillies walked forward next to Anon “Mister Anon, why are we going with one of the unholy spawns of the sun?” Twilight blanked at that. Looking over at Anon, her eyes showed pure anger.
Anon bent over and rustled Twilight’s mane. “I’ll tell you later.” Anon turned to the filly, then squatted. “And you, don’t worry; it ends with ice cream.” The answer seemed to ease the filly. She walked back to the crowd, as they carried their trek towards the library.
===========================================================================================
Twilight took a drink of coffee. “Lets talk Anon.” She held a fiery stare. “Can we start from the beginning. Why did that mountain blow up?”
Anon replied with full integrity. “I blew it up.”
Twilight did a spit-take. “That isn’t funny!”
Anon didn’t laugh. “I’m not joking.” Sighing, Anon got comfortable.”Let me start from the beginning.”
One Convoluted explanation and a cup of tea later.
“And then we ate ice cream and watched the mountain explode.” Twilight was gobsmacked.
She shook her head. “Let me make this clear. You infiltrated a terrorist group successfully, tricked them into making high power explosives AND triggering them, took the kids in the building out, and created over 50 new orphans, all in the process of getting bucking groceries?” Anon Nodded. Twilight rubbed her temples with her temples. “Leave them here, I’ll explain the situation with Luna, she’ll coax them to the orphanage and educate the orphans under Celestia’s watch.”
Anon sighed. Entering the main part of the library, Holding his groceries, watched Spike light the message away. Stepping out the door, He fished a napkin out of his back pocket, crossing a line through the finished task.
~~-Have Tea~~
~~-Get ‘Groceries’~~
-Look for the being known as Zecora in the woods for herbs.
After telling the orphans to stay here and listen to Twilight, a quick detour to his caravan was in order. Stepping though the door, Anon proceeded to load his groceries into his kitchen. Glancing at an opened book from Twilight’s library on the counter, he looked though the list of mythical monsters of the Everfree forest. He had also wanted to pick up a book on it’s flora as well, however it had been taken out by Rarity a week ago for inspiration for a new piece.
Looking at the creatures worried Anon. He knew that just the XP-100 wouldn’t cut it- It’s scope was made for longer ranges. He had enough magically-duped ammo curtsy of Twilight for other guns. Walking into his storeroom, Thinking of which to bring from his strange gun collection, his eyes drew towards a bag hanging from a sling.
“Holy shit, I nearly forgot about you.” he said to nobody out loud.
Anon picked up the bag off the sling, moving to his front room and zipping it open. Inside was Anon’s uncles prized Rhuzi. His crazy rich uncle gave it to Anon after smuggling it into the country. Anon had taken care of it; his uncle loved the gun, even though it was apparently for women. His uncle had obtained 4 40 round mags somehow, and him and Anon would shoot it on his estate. With enough rounds to kill a hydra, he set off with both his XP-100 and Rhuzi. Turning down the path, Anon stood towards the fabled Everfree forest. Arming both his guns, headed down the path. “There is no way this can go wrong.” Anon said to himself.
===========================================================================================
“THIS WENT WRONG! AHHH!” Anon bolted through the woods. Anon, early on his adventures, took the wrong turn and came face to face with a hydra. Turns out hydra scale is very bulletproof, the only accomplishment was getting clawed across the chest. “FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUUUUUUCK!!!!!!” Anon, despite his injuries, dashed between trees while the hydra stomped through them. Taking a turn, he slowed down, coming to the edge of a cliff. Turning around, he saw the hydra ready to charge. Anon, taking a deep breath, raised both arms and flipped the hydra the bird.
Before falling backwards.
Salt water ran across his wounds, filling him with a burning sensation. Crawling out of the river, guns and bag in hand, he hefted himself onto a patch of light-blue luminescent flowers. After Anon obtained his bearings, on a hunch, he wandered. It felt like hours. Anon felt his wounds sting. This wasn’t just some crossbow bolt, as he walked, he swore he could feel his broken ribs move as he moved. He didn’t even know how he kept walking, he just did. Stepping through the bristles, Anon couldn’t believe his eyes; “Why the fuck… Is there a castle out here...” he sputtered.
He entered through the door, grasping his chest and leaning on the wall. After a deep breath, Anon kept walking at a steady pace. Through the corridors, he walked into what seemed to be a wizards chamber. Stepping though the door, he stopped. He felt... something. A feeling he could not describe. To put it into words, imagine a feeling light, but no warmth. Something was bugging him about the room.
Settling down on a dusty chair, Anon surveyed the room. Glancing at the desk beside him, he saw a couple books and a small pouch. “Score.” Inside the pouch was lunch money, however coins from Pre-nightmare era, Anon knowing this after researching coins with a late night book after being horribly scammed by Rainbow dash over a cider. These coins were easily 14x their value. Stuffing the pouch into his bag, Anon turned to the book, reaching out before his injuries flared. “Fuck!” He screamed, as the pain caught up with him.
Settling down and grabbing the book gently, inside were what seemed to be magical incantations, and the book next to him being a primer on basic magic theory. A glow fizzled from the books, most likely a preservation spell, considering the conditions of both books. Carefully placing them into his bag for later reading, Anon pulled out a basic first aid kit, containing supplies that should tide him over until medical attention was a possibility. Standing with newfound vigor, Anon took a closer look around the room, until the wall caught his eye. Stepping towards it, bag in hand, Anon fell forwards. Fear took hold as he prepared to hit the wall and have a concussion.
Only to fall straight through it.
Catching himself, he looked around the poorly lit room in wonder; the wall had been an illusion. Putting his hand against the wall, he could easily walk though it with ease. He noted this, before he realized that now isn’t a good idea to explore. “Fuck it.” Anon said to himself, checking out the room. His eyes drew to a book on a pedestal. “Yoink.” Anon said to himself, swiping the book. Grabbing books willy-nilly, Anon accidentally knocked a mirror off the wall, revealing a safe.
“Jackpot.” squatting down, Anon saw the label scratched into the safe. “Magilock 7; Uncrackable.” He whistled to himself. The key hole was slightly large, about the size of a unicorn horn. Anon looked into his pack for anything that fit. “Something larger than my finger, thick, and has magical properties. I don’t think anything matches that criteria. Except my penis. Heh.” Anon laughing to himself at his inside joke, came to a sudden realization.
“Wait. Magic lock right? So if I shove my dick in...” Unzipping his fly, Anon stuck it into the safe. A whirring sound filled the room, followed by a click. “Fucking all that is holy, my dick is a safe-cracker.” Following the safe opening slowly, Anon took a peek inside. A glowing orb filled his vision. Grabbing it around his fingers, felt the warmth radiating from it, until the glow increased to a shine.
“H-Hello?”
Anon Immediately jumped at the voice. Swirling around, the room was still empty. “Who’s there?” Anon responded, ready for an attack.
The voice responded. “Mommy? Is that you?” Anon picked up the voices tone. Gentle and high pitched, like a child. It was coming from the orb.
Anon held It closer to his face. “I’m not your mother. Hi, I’m Anon, what’s your name?” Taking a gentle tone in order to keep the child calm, Anon curiosity was the only thing on his mind.
“I-I can’t remember.” Anon winced at the sobbing.
He attempted to console the child. “Don’t cry, if you don’t have a name, why don’t we make one, okay?” Holding the orb close to his chest, he felt sorry for her. Stepping out of the hidden room, he sat on the decrepit chair.
“C-Can you let me out first?” The voiced meekly answered.
Staring out of the window, Anon watched the hydra run north through the forest in anger. With it’s leave, Anon decided now would be a good time to run through the woods. “Not yet. But soon.” clinging to his wounds and sliding the orb into his bag, Anon bolted through the woods, Running down rivers and dashing between trees. Suddenly, he felt his stomach lock up. He felt his elbows bend unnaturally, his knees contort, yet felt no extra pain. His back contorted, and, with everything catching up to him at once, he blacked out.
Anon's Week in Equestrian Paradise
Day 4 - We Didn't Come Here To Rock...
Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter. Anon's Week in Equestrian Paradise
Day 5 - ...We Only Came To Disappoint You.
Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter. Anon's Week in Equestrian Paradise
Day 6 - Ghost Mice (Down The Shit Pipe.)
Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter. Anon's Week in Equestrian Paradise
Day 7 - Chrysalis' World (Part 1)
Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter. 