Chapters Dear Perfect Princess Celestia,
Hello. This is Luna. Your dear sister has been imprisoned on the Moon for about 900 years. I think. You are probably wondering how I am sending you this despite the fact I can't leave the moon. Well, to be honest, it started with an experiment. You see, when you banished me, you banished my entire bat pony army. Which, on your part, was just plain mean.
Anyway, I have managed to create a society here. We have homes, a castle, forests, small mountains, and other necessities of life all made from Moondust. Which is surprisingly useful when combined with magic. Now, as a result, a paper was created. I was sitting up on my throne (From a castle that I made myself with a lot of trap doors. I must say I am very proud of it.) and was fiddling with my magic. You see, I can still use magic. I just can't use it outside of the Moon's orbit. And since I have literally nothing else to do because like in Equestria, the bat pony Nobels will complain about next to anything and decided to test if I could send you a letter. So, if you are reading this. I assume it worked. How? No damn clue.
If you do get this, I hope you respond because I would like to know your thoughts on a few tiny issues I have with you.
When I was banished, I did nothing on the moon for about a year. I watched as my army pulled a "Lord of the Flies" situation a bit too quickly for my tastes and started killing one another because there was no government to tell them what to do. Sure, I was there. But I was too preoccupied with cursing your name, shooting my magic with many different types of spells to at least break my imprisonment, and wondering how the FUCK you used the damn elements on me!
When I left, swear words were a new trend. I didn't get it then. I get it now. It is kinds fun to say them and really drives my point home that no matter how I look at it. I just don't understand how a pony with no friends uses the elements. There is no way that you were so fuckin perfect that you had all the elements inside of you! That is not how they work!
I think.
OK, I actually don't know but you probably don't know either! You probably lost them after our little spat like when you lost Starswirl's hat for a week. But seriously though, it was a stupid looking blue hat that made a really annoying noise with the bells. How does anypony possibly lose it? But, it sure made Starswirl never trust you again so there was a bit of a positive from that situation!
By the way, there have only been 9 murders since my society was established here! I have a better crime rate than Equestria did in 100 years! Don't worry, the nine ponies were all elected official Nobels who were complete idiots and either got yeeted out of the public collectively or just stepped on the wrong fouls tail and they went crazy on them. It is more terrifying than it sounds. Watch a foul rip other ponies' faces. Ugh. Really gross.
But, to be fair. They deserved it.
I hope this letter has brightened your day. ("Brightened" get it? Haha.)
-The Best Princess and everypony knows it but were too stupid to figure it out because SOMEPONY was hogging all the spotlight, Luna. Aka: Queen Nightmare Moon of Moonrovia.
Dear Queen Nightmare Moon of...Moonrovia?
Moonrovia? Seriously? Perhaps I am focusing on the wrong part of the letter here but, Moonrovia? That is the best you could come up with?
Also, nice to hear from you Luna. It is a bit concerning that after rereading your letter five times now that only nine murders have occurred in the last 900 years. Murder is bad, of course, but it is also a natural reaction to situations that seem impossible to get out of, uncontrolled anger, and other scenarios that would lead to such a horrible cause.
I just read that over and I take it back. Congratulations. Everypony up there seems so happy. I am happy for you sister. Maybe you should stay up on the Moon because you certainly wouldn't want to be in Equestria right now. I had to run Solar court today. (You remember Solar court, don't you? The time of day when the Nobels come in to "speak for the citizens" and it ends up being a request about moving a foster home so that they can have a better view from their bedroom window?)
Today was an interesting case. You see, I have recently started a school for gifted Unicorns in the new capital city of Canterlot because you destroyed our castle and the funds needed to repair it would have costed more than a whole new city. Believe me. Canterlot is better. I was sitting on my throne and one of the worst Nobels trotted in. Demanding that they become the king as their leading case.
It took all my strength not to burst out laughing as some of the guards did at that moment. This, Nobel's case was that I was too old to be in charge and his son was a better leader than I am! (His son is one of the worst students in my school. REALLY BAD!) Isn't that ridiculous? Better than me? HA! I am an alicorn. I could probably buck his foul across Equestria if I wanted to! And his father has the nerve to tell me to step down? HA! HA! HA!
Oh, and about how I used the elements, just like how you don't know how you sent the letter, I don't know how I used them against you. Magic really is a mystery, isn't it?
Sweet dreams.
-Your sister, Celestia. Princess of Equestria.
Dear, crazy Sunbutt.
Sorry, not sorry that I called you Sunbutt but I needed to get your full attention when you read this. Get a counselor. I know they existed when I was in Equestria and I believe they still exist now because I can see the planet from my window and it doesn't look like Equestria is on fire yet.
Or at least it looks a little more lively than it did 500 years ago.
But really? Bucking a foal across Equestria? Even I think that is harsh and I dream about killing you. So, something is really messed up in your mind.
-A concerned ruler from MOONROVIA.
Dear strange sister,
You are telling me, I need a counselor? Check yourself sister. Because you were the one who literally tried to kill me 900 years ago! But, even so. I gave your advice a try despite the fact that I don't think I need help.
I bet this will really make you happy-
The counselor said I needed a mental break for 1000 years.
Speaking of Elements of Harmony, I know where they are. Don't worry. I KNOW EVERYTHING! If I fly high enough into orbit I can even see a little civilization on the moon! Is that your castle? Why does it look like a triangle?
-Princess Celestia of Equestria.
Dear Celestia.
This will be my last letter because honestly, you have me very concerned. I think you need more than a 1000 years break. And that isn't just because you sent me here for 1000 years. (according to my scientists) it is because, first you tell me that murder is natural, second, you are ready to buck a foul across the country and have been told that you need a break badly. If I wasn't your enemy before, I would be now! Because Equestria is headed downwards based on these letters.
If I return to Equestria and find out that you have a personal student, I might be the one to go insane because no pony needs more of your ideas floating around. Now that I think about it, it is too late for that because you rule the nation. Everypony in Equestria is doomed. Good going sister. You really fucked this one up.
Also, my castle is not a triangle. Some sort of strange group of creatures have landed near us and have built themselves a little society. They have waged war on us and have tried to take over our home multiple times. The catch here is that they have two legs to walk on, two arms, a long body. No wings or magic. Wear stupid clothes and waddle really slowly towards us as if that is threatening while jumping into the air slowly. I didn't even think that was possible.
It isn't even a war really. I could beat them all in a day but I have to be honest they are very entertaining to watch.
See you in 100 years. I hope Equestria still exists for my sanity when I get back.
-Nightmare Moon of Moonrovia