Chapters Rainbow Dash is (Not) Gay
Our very favorite gaggle of gal pals sat in a loose circle, giggling giddily. The sleepover was going exceedingly well. Everypony felt that it had been far too long since they'd been able to get together simply for the joy each felt in each other's presence. Applejack had surprised and delighted them all when she presented a fresh barrel of hard cider to liven up the occasion.
As was right and proper in accordance with the dictates of the text on the subject, a game of Truth or Dare was being braved to the hilarity or humiliation of all involved. Rarity had already stood balanced on her horn and had successfully chugged a mug of cider without spilling a single drop. Twilight had very carefully eaten a whole quesadilla, and a very red faced Fluttershy had divulged some very steamy secrets about a certain draconequus.
The time seemed ripe enough and Applejack gave the signal for Pinkie Pie to set in motion the scheme they'd arranged. The party pony leaned forward with a devilish grin, only barely able to repress her excitement. “Okay Dashie, truth, or dare?!” She said with needless emphasis.
All assembled said as one, “Dare!” Everypony rolling their eyes as Rainbow Dash only and ever chose dare.
Pinkie appeared behind the pegasus and stuck a hoof towards the farm pony. “Then I dare you.” She paused for dramatic effect, and stage whispered loud enough to be heard by all. “To kiss Applejack!” The silence was palpable. Each knew that this gambit was risky. It would either make the night, or break it. The uninvolved sat wide eyed, hooves over their mouths, waiting for the other horseshoe to drop. Applejack blushed and averted her gaze, trying not to look too excited at the prospect. Nopony would've guessed what was about to happen.
The tension snapped like a wire as Rainbow merely rolled her eyes and pushed the party pony out of her personal space. “Okay Pinks. Ya got me. Truth then.”
The tense silence that had reigned before was replaced by an even louder stunned silence at the response. Even the involved sat mouth agape. Pinkie had to scramble to think of how to proceed. “Uhm. . . Well. . . Let's see.” She snatched a glance at Applejack, and received no help as the farm pony looked just as surprised as the rest of them. “Well then.” She put her game face back on and tried to salvage the situation. “Well then, tell the truth. Do you liiiIIIIIiiike her?”
Again the wonderbolt rolled her eyes. “No Pinkie. I do not.” She mimicked her interrogator’s tone and used her wings to make air quotes. “LiiiIIIIiiike her. She's just a friend. Nothing more.” She took a swig of her cider, expecting Rarity to take her turn, but looked back to five pairs of eyes staring in shock at her. The pegasus eyes darted back and forth at each in turn, the tension mounting with every proceeding moment of silence. “What?” Was all that came to mind in response to the chorus of stillness coming from what moments ago had been a lively game.
“But, I mean you do. . .” Rarity began, but realized the impropriety of the question and grew silent.
“Do. . . What?” Rainbow said, still not understanding the confusion in the room.
It fell to Pinkie to ask the question that only Rainbow seemed blind to. “Dashie? . . . Do you. . . Not like mares?”
The wonderbolt gawked, completely taken aback by the unexpected question. “What the hay? No!” She looked about the circle and saw that everypony had the same evasive look on their face and her eyes began to widen in shock. “Wait! Do you all think. . .” She snapped to her hooves in outrage. “No! I am not a filly fooler! What would make you think that?” She looked from face to face waiting for an answer.
Finally Fluttershy felt the need to hazard an explanation. “Well. . . Dash. I mean. You're rather assertive.” She said without much conviction.
“And you don't exactly put too much stock by. Ahem. . . Attending to the finer points of tidying oneself up. Per se.” Rarity mumbled, unable to meet the pegasus’ eyes.
“And you're always rather uhmm. . . High contact with us.” Twilight said, still trying to think of a better answer. “You know. Your female friends.”
“Plus you've got that power top dommy mommy energy that ponies love so much.” Pinkie said, trying to put a positive spin on the collective assumption.
“No!” Rainbow shouted, a tone of disgust in her voice. “I'm not gay, I'm just not a girly girl like you two.” She said gesturing at Rarity and Fluttershy. “I'm just high activity! Just like Applejack! Right A.J.?” It was then that she noticed that the farm pony was sitting, head in her hooves, like her whole world had been knocked off kilter by this revelation. “Applejack?” Rainbow said, hoping for some back up.
Applejack raised her head, her expression that of mind blown shock. “Y'all ain't gay?” She said, emphasizing the fact that it was a notion taken as granted.
The wonderbolt stamped a hoof. “You ALL think I'm gay don't you?!” She groaned and turned her back on her friends, unable to look at them in that moment.
Twilight rose to try and defuse the situation. “Now Rainbow, just calm down. There's nothing wrong with.”
Rainbow spoke over her as if she hadn't heard. “I mean, I know I haven't dated in a while, but that's just cause I was focusing on my career!” She snapped still with a realization, and a panic began to grow in her mind. Her head turned slowly, her scarlet eyes blazing accusingly. “Is that why I haven't had a single coltfriend since I moved to Ponyville?! DOES EVERYPONY THINK I'M GAY?!” The answer to her question, though not spoken aloud, was written on every silent face in the room. “Oh my Luna!” She dashed out of the room, ignoring the cries of her friends behind her to stop.
Twilight rose to pursue her friend, but knew even as she saw the rainbow blur begin to fade that she was too late. She paused when she noticed Applejack slowly walking out of the room in a daze. “Applejack?. . .” She whispered in concern.
The farm pony stopped, but didn't look back. “Rainbow Dash. . . Ain't. Gay. . .” She said as in a daze, putting extra emphasis on each word, as if physically unable to comprehend the notion. She walked off without another word. Rainbow for her part was dashing all about the area, and causing one of Ponyville’s biweekly panics. She grabbed the head of a background pony, whom some Brony somewhere has more than likely named, given an entire history and genealogy, but here will remain indistinct, and shouted, “Do you think I'm gay?!”
The nondescript pony looked about in surprise for a moment before stammering, “A-aren’t you?”
Rainbow threw her head back in frustration and screamed, her hooves on her head. She snatched Scootaloo off of her scooter mid jump and shouted, “Do you think I'm gay?!” Again the same reaction. The pony that admired her most in Equestria looked about in shock and confusion before scratchily saying, “Aren't you?” Rainbow threw her behind her without looking where she would land, and it was only by cartoon logic that she just so happened to snatch her abandoned scooter mid air and execute a flawless landing. Rainbow zoomed straight upwards to where the Wonderbolts were forming up for evening exercises. She dashed into the control tower and screamed into the intercom microphone, “Do you think I'm gay?!”
As one, all of her comrades responded in the same voice, “Aren't you?” The humiliated pegasus bolted straight home and slammed the door behind her.
Rainbow Dash is (Not) Gay
Our poor misunderstood pony lay curled up on her bed, cuddling her beloved pet tortoise, still sniffling at her humiliating ordeal. She held Tank out at leg's length to look him in his adorably wrinkly face as she asked, “You don't think I'm gay, do you boy?” The tortoise slowly, awkwardly retracted into his shell to avoid the uncomfortable situation. Rainbow groaned and rolled over petulantly. She had determined to simply call it a day and go to sleep, but a knock on the door interrupted her. The miserable pony, being in no mood for company, at first decided to simply ignore the unwanted visitor. After several repeated knocks however, Rainbow reluctantly rose and shuffled grumpily towards the door. She flung it open, ready to give whoever it was on the other side a piece of her mind. Her spite was halted however, upon seeing a rather nervous looking pegasus stallion, holding two tickets under his wing.
“Oh Uhm, hey there. Ahem Dash. I'm Tale Spin.” Rainbow stood, an unamused grown on her face. The stallion cleared his throat and resumed. “Ahem. I'm a wing pony in the records depo. . .” He grinned nervously, hoping for any sort of response from the glaring mare. The mare in question only made a sign with her wing that meant, “Yes, and?. . .” Thankfully this modicum of input gave the nervous pony his opening to state what he had bothered her about. “Oh, right. Uhmm.” He showed the two tickets in his wing. “The new Daring Do movie is still showing. You wanna. . . You wanna go see it with me.” He resumed his overly wide grin.
The stallion having finally spat out what the hay he wanted, Rainbow stood in the doorway nonplussed. It took several seconds for her to be able to form a response. “Okay, so, one, I've already seen it three times, and it's not as good as the rest of the series. The new director they got is. . . Ugh. Don't get me started. Look, I'm just not in the mood right now. There's this whole thing with. Who is this now? . . .” She was interrupted in turning the poor stallion down by another stallion flying up and landing a few steps away from the conversation already at hoof.
Only upon landing did he notice the conversation already in progress, and grew embarrassed, like one not expecting to see somepony else. “Oh, hey sorry! Am I interrupting something?”
Rainbow shook her head in confusion for a moment. “Wait, I know you. You're.” She had to snap her wing a few times to jog her memory.
The stallion cleared his throat, “Ahem, Sky Splitter. Ma'am.”
“Yes! You're one of Spitfire’s aides. That one. What are you doing here?” Rainbow asked.
Sky Splitter smiled to see the mare remembered him. “Oh, well, hate to bother you, just wanted to see if it wanted to have dinner on Saturday night?” Before Rainbow could fully express surprise at the unexpected invitation, yet another stallion flew up, and again, seemed embarrassed that anypony but himself was at Rainbow’s door. And then another flew up. And then another. And then another and another and another until a small herd began to form on Dash’s cloud lawn. Several were holding flowers, chocolates, or other small gifts.
Rainbow gawked at the sight until finally it clicked in her mind. She sighed, “You AAAAALL JUST found out I'm straight didn't you?” Nopony could look her in the eye. She saw the same embarrassed evasive expression on every face. She rolled her eyes and turned to slam the door on these presumptive stallions, but all at once a thought occurred to her. A large part of her dismay had been that very few stallions ever flirted with her or asked her out, causing her to question her desirability. Well, here was an entire herd of stallions all demonstrating she was desirable. She turned and a small smirk crept onto her face. She didn't want ponies to think she was gay, and here was an entire herd willing to prove it. She shouted in her Wonderbolt command voice, “Alright everypony! Line up! Single file! Let's go! I haven't had a stallion since I was in school. Time to make up for lost time!”
Rainbow Dash is (Not) Gay
Three days had passed since Rainbow had dashed out of the sleepover, and Applejack had shuffled out in a daze. The rest had been unable to do anything but sit and worry, hoping their friends would be okay. After the third day of radio silence they knew it was their duty to resolve this uncomfortable dilemma. They had tacitly agreed that they should talk to Applejack first, before going up to apologize to Rainbow. When they arrived at Sweet Apple Acres, Big Mac knew what they were there for and silently pointed a hoof to where he knew her sister would be. All were stopped dead in their tracks when they found their usually indomitable friend alone on a knoll that overlooked the orchard.
Applejack had spent every waking moment for the last three days on that spot, staring out into the distance. She sat under a tree, the wind in her long blonde mane, her big green eyes searching the horizon for an answer that would not come. The assembled looked at each other uncertainly, and Twilight finally sighed and approached the pondering farm pony. She silently slipped beside her on the grass and the two sat quietly together for a long moment, Twilight giving Applejack all the time she needed to gather her thoughts. Just as the princess was about to hazard a statement, Applejack whispered something that she couldn't quite catch. “What was that AJ?” She shrank back as she saw tears begin to form in the earth pony's eyes.
“Am Ah the asshole Twahlaght?” Applejack hissed with a voice that had been mostly silent for three days.
Twilight balked for a moment at her friend's use of profanity, and couldn't process an answer. “Um. . . I don't?. . .” She was startled when her friend snapped to her hooves. The ponderous stillness exploded into a flood of verbal diarrhea.
“It's not just me raght?! We all thought it! And whah wouldn’t Ah? I mean her freakin name is RAINBOW DASH Twahlaght! RAINBOW! DASH! She's literally got a gay pride flag stickin out uh her ASS! I feel lahke Ah'm goin crazy here! I git that not everypony does everythang lahke everypony else, but COME ON! You're tellin me that THAT MARE don't lahke gals!”
Applejack finally had to stop for breath and Twilight took the opportunity to get a word in edgewise. “Wait? . . . You're. . . Aren't you heartbroken that Rainbow turned you down?”
The earth pony waved a hoof dismissively. “Naw, naw, taint nothin lahke that. Heck, Ah ain't even gay neither. Ah just got a little bit of a crush on R.D. n thought Ah maght as well see iffn there was anythin to it. No, what I don't git is how somepony can show ALL THE SAGHNS of bein a filly fooler, n not have the slahghtest inclination in that durection!”
The princess grew mildly offended at her friend's reaction. “Well AJ, I seem to remember a certain Trenderhoof showed a romantic interest in you, yet he exhibited several traits associated with homosexuals.”
“Yes Twah! That's one of the thangs that Ah didn't lahke about ‘im! He was kahnd of a pansy!” Applejack said, her face strained.
The alicorn frowned, “Well! I'm certain that several ponies would assume you're a lesbian because of your deep voice, and rural ways!”
“EXACTLY!” The earth pony shouted. “That's mah point! I know I seem lahke Ah’d lahke nuthin better than a good old fashioned clam bake! AH! GIT! THAT! But Ah at least make SOME SORT UH EFFORT to show the fellers Ah’m available! But with Rainbow it’s every single thing, every single tahme! If it looks lahke a duck, walks lahke a duck, and quaks lahke a duck, then it's probably a duck Twahlaght!” She plopped down on the ground and held her head in her hooves. “It's messin with mah head Twah! I mean, iffn RD can be the gayest gal in Equestria, and still be straight, then how in the hay are ponies supposed to be able to fahnd somethin they lahke?! Am Ah just dumb? Did the rules of how to find a guy or a gal switch when Ah weren't payin attention?”
Twilight joined her friend on the ground and wrapped a wing around her comfortingly. “I know AJ. It is out of the ordinary, but this is the exception, not the rule. You weren't wrong in thinking Rainbow is gay, heck we all did! But we need to recognize that behavior and sexual preference don't always go together. And right now our friend is waiting on us to tell her we've realized that.”
Applejack sighed hard with resignation and looked out into the distance. “Ah know Twah. Just a liddle. . . Surprahsed is all.”
The princess rose and turned to leave. “Well then let's go, the balloon is waiting on us.” She made to step away, but she was stopped by an orange hoof on her shoulder.
“Twah. . . Y'all'r . . . Some sort of Bi. Raght?” Applejack asked timidly.
The alicorn blushed to the ears, but decided it would help her friend get the rest of the way over her confusion. “Uhm. . . Applejack. I'm a very, VERY specific case. . . Me and Celestia. . . Ahem . . . Have a very specific relationship. With school girl outfits, and yard sticks. . . Ahem.” She couldn't bring herself to continue.
Applejack blinked. “Kay, so Ah was close at least. And the rest er straight?”
Twilight rolled her eyes. “I think the whole point of this conversation was that it doesn't matter. But yes, Rarity and Fluttershy are both straight, and Pinkie is only “gay in a threeway.”
The earth pony nodded. “Just wanted to see how close Ah was to bein raght.”
Rainbow Dash is (Not) Gay
The balloon gently floated our friends up to Rainbow's cloud and the cloud walking spell was applied. Despite the knowledge that it was safe to proceed, it took a concerted effort on the part of all to exit the basket. Applejack most of all dreaded the interview. She knew it was still weird that Rainbow was heterosexual despite her personality and aesthetic, but as she walked towards the cloud home it really dawned on her just how lonely Rainbow must have been. To simply have NOPONY of the opposite sex approach her in a romantic capacity, and the entire time not knowing why. When she reached the door she had to breathe deeply to prepare her soul for the interview. She looked behind her for moral support and all nodded, signaling it was time.
Applejack sighed hard and firmly knocked on the door. All held their breaths listening for a response. The knock was repeated and again the same obstinate silence from inside. The earth pony looked back to the princess of friendship and Twilight stepped forward to attempt to bridge the gap. “Rainbow? Are you home? It's us. . . We just wanted to say how sorry we are that we hurt your feelings.”
Rarity stepped up to the door. “Yes dahling, it was terribly unladylike to make assumptions the way we did.”
“Your personality has nothing to do with your sexual preferences, and we should've known better.” Fluttershy called out in her turn.
“And even though literally everythang about you screams ‘I LUV PUSS’ OWW!” Applejack rubbed the sting out of the back of her head that Twilight had smacked. She sighed and continued, “But that still don't make it raght, we're sorry.”
“Even though we've known each other for like fifteen years. You think we would’ve known something like this sooner.” Pinkie said thoughtfully. Everypony went still at this observation and felt dramatically worse about the situation. They were pulled from their reflections when the door finally opened to reveal a very tired, very disheveled looking Rainbow Dash. All moved towards the open door in anticipation but immediately threw themselves back when the smell hit them. The house positively reeked of sex! Everypony had to put a hoof over their muzzles just to avoid vomiting.
Rainbow squinted at the bright sunlight as she stretched and yawned in the doorway. She blinked several times before her tired brain could register who was at the door. Finally, after blinking the sleep out of her eyes she grinned widely. “Girrrllllsssszzzz” She slurred as she wrapped her front legs around the two ponies unlucky enough to be closest. The pegasus had the overpowering stench of leftover ejaculate and sweat from clearly more than one pony. “Come in! Come in! My coltfriends making cloud cakes!” She turned to enter the house, but all hesitated to follow. Finally each took a big gulp of the outside air and timidly trudged inside. When their eyes adjusted to the lower light each regretted accepting the invitation. The whole room looked even worse than it smelled.
On every surface, there were standing puddles of various fluids. Everypony had to very carefully pick their steps around the cloud floor just to avoid cross contamination. Rainbow spoke in a scratchy tired slur that all but literally dripped with satisfaction. “You know I really owe you girls an apology. Turns out that every other dick in Equestria wanted a piece of me, but didn't know I wanted them. So letting them all know in the way I did had. . . ” She gave an uncharacteristically girlish giggle as she snuggled up to the rather attractive stallion working at the stove. “Veeery pleasant results.” The stallion smirked and swatted the giggling mare with a wing on the ass. She had another giggle fit and had to fight to be able to resume her explanation. “This big handsome stallion is. . .” She had to stop and snap her wing several times to jog her memory.
“Sky Splitter.” Both said as one.
“I knew that!” Rainbow said defensively, clinging to the foreleg of the smirking stallion. “Babe, seriously I knew that. Don't be mad at me! I love you.”
The stallion rolled his eyes and gave the clinging mare a quick peck on the lips. “I know Thunder Butt, you're just tired. Go sit down, food's almost done.” He gave her another peck on the forehead. She smiled like a drunken pony and all but collapsed into her seat at the table.
Rainbow had to sigh lovingly to herself before continuing. “Anyway, so it got out that I swung the way I do, and stallions LITERALLY were lined up at my door!” She had to chuckle to herself. “So I decided, ‘screw it, haven't had a good lay in a while, cum on in.’ I've laid more pipe in the last two days than Canterlot Water and Power have in the last year!” She cackled to herself and everypony sat frozen in shock and disgust. Twilight had it worst of all knowing exactly, down to the millimeter, how much pipe was used in the last calendar year. Cross reference that with the biological average length of ponies, and the number was horrifying. Sky Splitter brought over two tall stacks of food, and the satisfied pegasus wrapped her forelegs and wings around him. “And this one here beat aaaall the rest. I had to keep telling him to get back in line and come back when he's closer to finishing.” The stallion munched on a cloud cake and tried not to look too smug as he shrugged his shoulders.
Twilight cleared her throat, hoping to end the uncomfortable interview and exit the den of expelled fluids. “Well. . . Dash. Ahem. Congratulations you two. Uhmm. We just wanted to stop by and say how sorry we were for hurting your feelings with our assumptions, but clearly the matters been resolved so. . .”
The pegasus blew a dismissive raspberry and laid her head against her stallion’s shoulder. “Pbbt! Nah don't worry about it. I mean, I get it. Tomboy, super rough and tumble. Rainbow.” She held up her tail to emphasize her point.
All jumped as Applejack blurted out, “EXAC!!!. . . Sorry.”
The stallion pushed away his empty plate and whispered something in his mare’s ear. Rainbow’s eyes went wide and she gawked at her coltfriend, “Again?! Already!”
Sky Splitter shrugged his shoulders. “I mean we don't have to. Just, if you're ready to go again, I am.” He flicked his eyes down to something concealed by his side of the table and Dash bit her lip. She would've completely disregarded her guests had the princess not cleared her throat and popped up quickly from the table.
“Well Rainbow, glad you're feeling better. We’ll just leave you two alone. Right now! Let's go girls!” All began a general hustle towards the door, but Rainbow called out for Applejack to wait. The farmer didn't want to, but as she turned she was taken by surprise as she was pressed firmly against the wall. Before she could stop her, Rainbow had slipped her tongue into the earth pony's mouth and felt around. Applejack's face lit up red as her brother at the unexpected kiss. Rainbow pulled away and smacked her lips, thinking about the sensations she was feeling.
“Yeah, thought not.” She said, shrugging her shoulders. She leaned in and whispered. “But Splitter’s cool with three ways, so if you ever wanna hit that, hit me up.” Before she could blink, the pegasus was back inside and Applejack could hear muffled moans through the door.
The farmer smacked her lips and processed her thoughts on the contact. “Well. Glad we got that squared away. Not that into it. Hrmm. Oh well.” She turned to rejoin her friend's, oddly satisfied at having that question answered finally.
