Chapters Ian: The Crawling Kingsnake of Equestria
The shadow of a man trod down icy paths on a winter day. Few cars passed by. Those that did shone bright lights against the foggy air, lighting his face up like it was Christmas Day. There were a couple of instances where he nearly lost his footing, the black ice being a lethal annoyance as it lied in waiting along the innocent street paths, waiting for the right passer-by to slip to an uncomfortable end. Their back end, really, the man had never really heard of anyone slipping and coming out with anything worse than a wet back-end.
A Co-Operative was situated at the end of the street, its manual doors tight shut to keep out the cold. How the man wished they would get some automatic ones, then he wouldn’t need to take his hands out of his pockets to open them and feel them shrivel into party sausages from the cold. Then again, gloves could have been a sensible buy.
The silhouette whistled a bluesy tune as he headed for the shop with his hands deep in the warm pocket of his green winter jacket. It was a short journey to the shop, his house only living around the corner. He felt like having some toast, however he was all out of bread. He decided to out and get some, deeply hoping to find a fresh Warburton’s wholemeal loaf waiting for him on the shelf.
“He’s perfect.” said a female’s voice, watching the man. He didn’t seem to hear the voice, but the narrative talk sounded excited, if not also mischievous.
Then another spoke! This one however sounded a little bit younger and much more concerned. “Are you sure, sister? Something like this hasn’t happened in years.” She warned, her tone much more... Royal and... Well posh, as the man would call it.
The eldest laughed as she recalled the memory her sister spoke of. “And how fun was that, dear sister?” It didn’t sound like she was one to be reasoned with.
“For you, maybe. You never seem to take these things seriously.” Replied the other, slightly agitated.
“I’ve been watching him for three weeks now and he hasn’t failed to impress.” It sounded like the elder sister felt it was time to put across a proper argument. “My judgement stands, my sister of the night, so you shall do nothing but aid me with this. Understood?” But you could also say she felt it was time to put it to rest.
The younger sister was defeated, but not deflated. She did not sound annoyed, only a little bit moany. “Yes.”
“Good. Now on one... two... three!”
The man jumped back in shock as a flash of orange lightening rippled around him, followed by a pallet of blues dancing on the cold floor, finished with some red and green which thundered around the dark figure in the vision.
This time the shadow really did lose his footing and began his fall onto the ice. It was a slow motion descent to an icy depth, the man’s arms were strewn upwards clasping the air for something to hold onto. He had no time to figure out what force ailed him, as before he could land on the freezing concrete pavement he vanished...
Never to claim that freshly baked bread which endlessly called out his name...
Ian: The Crawling Kingsnake of Equestria
My hand rubbed against the cold floor around me, only it wasn’t the type of wet, stingy cold I expected. Instead it was a smooth, marble like ground, the cold being momentary as my toasty hands warmed it up.
I looked up, expecting to see the Co-Op in the distance, and the street corner where I seemed to slip over. Or was I hit by a car? I couldn’t tell, though the flashes of light made me think perhaps the ice was too much for one set of wheels. It was all so quick.
As my eyes adjusted to the now sunny day that had apparently split apart the drab, grey skies I walked under only a moment ago, I saw a huge white creature eyeing me. I blinked a few times and squeezed my eyes shut, hoping they would recover when they open. Well, they recovered, but I still reckoned I was hallucinating because standing infront of me was a massive horse, with bloody winds and a horn!
I laid there on my back, holding myself up with my elbows, staring into the purple eyes of this mutant horse. Thing is, I didn’t feel shock or fear. In fact, this whole place was filled with an aura of… joy? Happiness? Everything good I’d say. I reckoned I’d start with a question.
“Am I dead?” I asked innocently, thinking that somewhere so happy could only be heaven. “I mean, I’m not a Christian or anything, but if you’re God then damn, I apologise for all those on earth portraying you dreadfully wrong.”
Celestia dipped her head down and gave me a soft smile. “Ian? My names Princess Celestia, and this is my sister Princess Luna.” She said, quietly backing away to give me enough space to gather my bearings and see the other horse-thing. The other one was dark blue, an incredibly nice dark blue too.
I didn’t know what to expect. Even if they were Gods, I didn’t expect them to bloody well speak! I’d have guessed there to be some form of messenger or translator nearby. “S... S... Speak? Nahh y... you can’t speak.” I muttered shaking my head dramatically, out of breath and heart pounding.
“Stand.” Luna ordered “Look around and calm yourself.”
I did as I was told and picked myself up off the smooth floor, noticing the spiralling gold mosaic beneath me. The two animals before me were not in fact normal horses, as you may have guessed; they seemed much friendlier and gentle.
After taking a large intake of air, which actually tasted pretty nice -sweet like popcorn- my nerves relaxed and my heart no longer felt like it was about to burst through my chest and fly away. I took a few step back to a pearl coloured balcony and took a look around, then my legs gave why.
“Christ alive!” I said in a panic, my fear of heights kicking in. I was usually ok while on balconies, but by God, the drop beneath that place was extraordinarily long. Once again calming myself down I regained my composure and mustered up the balls to take another look.
The land was beautiful. Green hills as far as the eye can see. This was true nature, like the Shire or something. A dreamland! I even spotted a small town in the distance, coloured like an artist’s pallet.
“Right then.” I muttered quietly to myself, feeling it time to get some answered. “Erm, Shadowfax?” I said with cheek, knowing she probably wouldn’t get the joke.
“Yes? Are you going to whistle me over or am I ok standing here?” She said back with equal cheek, something I couldn’t help fangirl over. She knew about Tolkien! *Squee*
“Ha, um...” Damn, she broke my concentration. “For starters, how do you like The Hobbit movies? I know they haven’t all come out, but... how epic was Smaug!” I clenched my fists in excitement and had to force myself not to jump in joy.
I swear I saw her eyes light up, however she seemed to change her stance into more of a ‘royal’ one, holding up her head and straightening her neck. “While I do prefer the company of real dragons...” Real dragons? Wait, horses with horses and wings, popcorn air and now dragons? I’ll say it again: what a dreamland! “He is indeed epic! Oh that voice! I just died when he toyed with Bilbo! Sherlock and Watson, together again!”
Oh. My. God.
“Oh. My. God. You watch Sherlock too?!” I couldn’t withhold my excitement; I literally jumped and laughed as we spoke. “How’d you think he survived the fall?”
“Well,” She began, an equal amount of joy in her face, “Molly must have had something-” She would have continued but we were interrupted by Luna, who was not amused.
The younger Princess cleared her throat and threw a dirty look at Celestia. “Can we get onto more pressing matters? Dare I call them even that?” She advanced and stood beside her sister, who rolled her eyes and smiled.
“Alright then... Anderson.” I added, gaining a snicker from Celestia. Lucky for me Luna must not get it, otherwise I might have been a turned into a newt. “Well, I suppose I should ask the obvious. Where am I?”
“Canterlot.” Celestia answered proudly. “Our home and yours for the time being.”
I puffed in disbelief “Canterlot?” I placed my hands on my hips and wondered where all the imagination had gone. “Honestly? You’re joking?”
“No we are not.” Luna said quite boldly. I began seeing the connection between her colour and named. She certainly has the colours of the night. “Canterlot, in Equestria. The closest town is Ponyville and we rule over the land as kin.”
“Canterlot in Equestria near Ponyville” I said sarcastically. “You’re taking the mick? Well, Tolkien had is Mount Doom and you have your Ponyville.” I added slyly with a grin.
Celestia frowned and I caught the mood. She obviously thought there was nothing wrong with the name. I suppose if you’ve lived in a place for so long, you get used to everything about it.
“Alright then.” I said with a higher voice, trying to convince her I was fine with it as you would agree with a toddler babbling rubbish. “Hmm... ‘Canterlot.” I took a full 360 degree turn to take in everything about this small room. There were some bookcases, a knocked over plant –they should really fix that after all its a place of royalty apparently- and the unbeat nature of everything. “It does seem a bit cartoon-y this place.”
“That’s because your world is much different from ours.” Celestia said, smiling once again.
“I’m in a different world?” I scratched my head. I was half surprised, but then where else could I have been? I don’t recall anywhere quite as colourful as this back on Earth. Maybe hidden away somewhere in New Zealand, but that’s a longshot. “Figures.” I said, rolling my eyes. I then clapped my hands and rubbed them together, hoping to find out the real reason I’m here. “Right, what do you want with me?”
Straight out of the blue Celestia answered with something completely absurd. “I would like your permission to transform you into a pony.”
My eyes widened and I let out a fake laugh. “Exsqueeze me? A baking powder? No, no, no… “ why?”
“Why not party on?” Wow, how’d she get that? Is she really a Princess? You sure as hell wouldn’t find Prince Harry, Prince William, Kate Middleton and the Queen head banging to Bohemian Rhapsody inside an 1976 AMC Pacer with damn flames on the side. But I bet you get Celestia and a few friends together you’d be putting on the next Lunastock. “You’re a man who likes jokes. I’m a Princess who likes jokes. One plus one.”
The reality of the situation hit me like a brick at that point. “You brought me here for a joke?” I couldn’t believe it. Ripped from my life into a fantasy world for the sole purpose of a bloody joke. ‘I am a man with a sense of humour though.’ I thought, rubbing my chin. And to be honest, I’m here now. Chances are the Warburton’s bread is all gone, and my craving’s changed from toast to popcorn.
“Do you guys have popcorn here?” I inquired, narrowing my eyes as I did so.
In the corner of my eye I saw Luna facepalm but Celestia remained with a smile. “Of course.”
I did a long, drawn out nod and practically bowed to the Princesses, as a good man should. “Ms Celestia, Ms Luna.” I announced rather formally.
“Yes?” They said in unison, though Celestia’s excited answer drowned out Luna’s drained voice.
“I accept. Why not? Being the Princess’ royal fool can’t be too bad, especially since you seem to be the best Princess ever.” Before they could respond” I stuck out my arm, pointing one finger into the air. “But wait, don’t turn me into a pony. Yet.”
“Why?” They tilted their heads simultaneously making me chuckle slightly.
“What d’you want me to do exactly?”
I sat myself down while Celestia more so than Luna explained how they were getting bored with the recent happenings in the land. They told me the tale of Discord, Nightmare Moon, King Sombra, as well as the Elements of Harmony and their wielders, and the extra Princess apparently living down in Ponyville. I listened with gracious interest, fascinated by the mixture of mythic gods and their comings to life.
I have a massive interest in ancient mythology, especially the Norse. I hate modern religions, though I won’t be getting into that. While we’re on the subject of me I may as well tell you I can also play the keyboard. Some say I’m amazing, an undiscovered talent. I wish it to remain like that, undiscovered; for I learnt the keyboard for the sole purpose of giving me a bit of relaxation time when home alone. They also tell me I’m pretty humble.
The Doors, oh The Doors, perhaps the greatest band that ever existed in my opinion. I love them. I have learned many of Ray Manzarek’s pieces over the years and have memorized the vast majority of their songs’ lyrics. Jim Morrison, the most open and magical poet. His words were… sorry are a force to be reckoned with.
My looks are not needed to be described in much detail. I have often been remarked to as being a shaggy man, sometimes even a hippie with my long, curled brown hair and the constant anti-war sign I wear around my neck. I have no facial hair whatsoever and I’m twenty six, my birthday being a couple of weeks away. The necklace was given to me by Jim Morrison. Well not by himself, he gave it to my father who worked as a producer. He ran into Jim one night and Jim was off his head in LSD. My dad greeted him and Jim placed the necklace around his neck. My dad, the nobleman he is, handed down the ‘amulet’, as he called it, to me. I was, and still am, a very happy chappy about that, God knows how much it’s worth.
Anyway, the Princess’ shared their tales and then gave me my task. With quick thinking they put my current human form to good use. I had a minute to simply run through Ponyville and see everone’s –sorry everypony’s- reaction. Princess Celestia would be watching somehow and enjoying the spectacle.
I suspected that I was not a common being in this world, and this was Celestia’s first human-related prank. I went along with it anyway, knowing pleasing a Princess was a million times better than denying or even disrespecting them. Besides I reckoned that it’d be a laugh. No harm was involved and I hoped I might even be rewarded for my services.
The Princess spoke one last word before I was teleported to the outskirts of Ponyville. She whispered ‘L’America’ and winked. I picked up the jist of it immediately. A flash of light overcame my senses and then I was gone, somewhere near Ponyville, just on the outskirts. My minute had started, and when the time ran out I would be magically whisked away back to Canterlot.
Ponyville looked to be a peaceful town, full of ponies much smaller than Celestia and Luna. They were also split into different types. Some had horns, some had wings and some had nothing at all, though I saw no Alicorns, which are supposedly what the Princesses are.
I scanned the town for a few seconds, trying to spot the best place to pull the prank. It was a simple joke really. Basically, since none of the ponies had seen a human before they’d all have quite the fright seeing me.
The town square seemed like a good place to perform. Without a second thought I ran straight down the street and into the town square, screaming like a cat in pain and waving my hands in the air. “LOOK AT ME I’M A CHOCOLATE BUSCUIT!” I yelled at the top of my voice. Ponies cried in terror and ran to their small cosy cottages dotted along the streets, each looking newly built.
I wished I could have seen their reactions, but I knew Celestia would have been enjoying herself. I then thought I should take it a bit farther, so I climbed on top of a market stall, and while seeing the peeping eyes of terrified ponies from their windows I shouted “YEEEEAAHHH” and sung.
“C’mon ponies don’t ya look so down
I smiled at my successful translation of a few lyrics into this ‘pony language’ and gracefully jumped off the stall, acting as camp as possible. I skipped circles in the square and clapped my hands high in the air.
“Heeeeeey!” I announced at the doorway of what must have been the town square. “Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead!”
I tried to go on for a little longer but seeing one pony hiding in a barrel with its flank sticking out caused me to burst out into an uncontrollable fit of laughter and fall, quite hard, onto the cobblestone ground. I swear I nearly peed myself. This was truly a once in a lifetime experience, you couldn’t have this type of fun back on Earth.
A small flicker and a few orange sparks formed around me, so I readied myself as best I could to return back, laying myself out straight so I wouldn’t fall again. I didn’t realised the minute had passed, but thinking back over it sixty seconds wasn’t a great amount of time.
Seconds later I was laid directly under Princess Luna, viewing her dark underbelly. “Ah, hello Princess.” I joked, though I really feared for my wellbeing at that moment, imagining Luna honing in on my face and crushing me beneath her hoof. Instead she jumped away in shock while Celestia used her leg to cover her giggles.
I clambered up off the floor and dusted myself off. After letting out a few more laughs and wiping away a tear from my eye and stood up straight and faced Celestia. “I’ve done my part your highnesses. Was it to your standards?”
“Oh yes.” She said, also still giggling. “You should have seen the speed Berry Punch ran into her house, and then that other one who jumped into a barrel!” I spied Luna forming a smirk, though she quickly averted her face and stopped any sign of enjoyment show through her stern stature. “Well? Do you wish to become a pony?” Princess Celestia asked after a moment of laughter, returning to her normal stature.
It was a tough one. “Well-”
Luna interrupted right before I could answer. “Remember that it will be difficult for you to adjust, and you may get homesick. We can change you, however your true identity must remain secret.” Luna warned, and I listened carefully. “You’ll have to change your name, your voice and your looks.”
My voice, I wondered why they needed to change that. I asked and Luna said “because if they hear the same voice that’s just been running rabid down the streets of Ponyville how do you think they will respond?” I didn’t think they would have the time to stop and check, but I suppose if some stranger showed up after another had just left, each with the same voice and expressions, you could get suspicious.
“True, very true.” I gave it some thought, weighing the pros and cons, which didn’t really take long. I returned to my previous argument, that I was her now so I may as well. I finally came to my conclusion. “Well it’s worth a try, eh?” I winked and nodded “Go on then. I won’t need to do anymore tasks though, will I?”
Celestia smirked at my constant questions. “No of course not, I just want to see what comes of it.”
“Good.” I realised I hadn’t thought it properly through as I placed my hands in my jean pockets. “And what about my clothes?”
Luna stepped in this time and paced across the room. “They will be hidden, ready for your return to Earth.” She stopped and faced me, her eyes still closed for some reason. “Is there anything you wish to wear?
“Will any of this look good on a pony?” I judged my clothes more than I had ever done in my life. Nothing really would suit a pony, in my opinion. Rightly so too I hope, after all it was all designed for humans. But there was thing I had to keep on me, at all times. “I’m keeping the necklace on me.” I announced. “Wait a minute though, there will my clothes go? Do I have to strip naked?”
Celestia couldn’t help a sly smile. “I’m afraid so.”
Oh, very proficient. Very funny Celestia.” Neither of the Princesses left, and I couldn’t care less about privacy, so for a little joke of my own I tested myself on how fast I could take off my trousers. Luna still stood with her eyes shut, and Celestia simply waited for me to be ready. I rolled my eyes as I took off my socks, then had quite a cruel idea when I was about to take off my boxer shorts. “Hey Luna.” I said, innocently. She opened her eyes and gasped in shock as I motioned myself taking off my boxers. Her wings were thrust infront of her face, blocking all view of me to her.
I let out a chuckle and finished undressing, facing the balcony and holding my hands infront of my privates. “Hurry up then!” I snapped, sick of standing naked infront of two female horses. I examined my body again and remembered the many tattoos of lyrics and song names by The Doors. “I want to keep these too.”
Celestia on the other hand didn’t seem too bothered about my nakedness. In fact, I spotted her checking out my tattoos when I turned to see why she was taking so long. They must have given her an idea as she began casting the spell without giving a heads up. A tingling sensation rushed through my body, my eyes felt like they were bulging and about to burst. I blacked out a few times, each time I woke on my knees or on the floor, numb and powerless. To my surprise it did not hurt, it actually tickled!
I remember being on the floor and looking to Celestia, seeing her sweet reassuring smile and then blackness.
View Online
Ian: The Crawling Kingsnake of Equestria
Mojo Blues, A Shaman From The Hyacinth House
By Jim that wasn’t fun. It felt like I had a hangover as I regained consciousness, a pulsating headache and queasy stomach burdening my ever movement, which were practically squirms. I heard the voice of a familiar Night Princess as I awoke; sensing her beside me and feeling the rush off air come off her every movement. I rolled onto my side, hoping to get a better view of them both.
“Sister! He’s moving!” The younger Princess shouted in relief, though I knew there was excitement in her voice. My nose was practically poking her back leg she was so close.
The light hoofsteps of Celestia echoed as she grew closer and closer. My eyelids were heavier, and sticky. From what I do not know but whatever it was forced me to try and manually open them with my newly gifted hooves.
“Ian? Are you alright?” Celestia inquired in a clearly concerned tone of voice.
“A can’t open my bloody eyes!” I yelled, struggling to scrape away the gluey substance. Then I noticed the first change. My voice was slightly higher. I still had my accent, but it was… weird to say the least, then again it wasn’t me… was it?
“Ah yes, that would be from your eyes watering during the spell. Human tears must act as some sort of glue when left to dry for half a day on us ponies.”
“Twelve hours?!” I was out for twelve hours? Nevermind that though, I couldn’t bloody well see. “Can you ‘elp me please?” I sat up and struggled with my hooves to pry open my eyes. It was no use; the hooves were flat and soft like marshmallows. I gave up and leaned back on the shiny wall behind me, wishing the Princesses would do something. “Please?” I begged.
Before long I felt warm air drift along my face and gather along my eyes. I flinched, but found that I was slowly able to open them, and like I was when I first arrived in Equestria I was adjusting to the light. “Thank you.” I said with a hint of annoyance, knowing that Princess Celestia was doing something to help me but taking her sweet time.
My eyelids rose with the sunlight as I saw that it was dawn, and the first of the sun’s rays beamed down on me harshly, nearly blinding me if I hadn’t placed a hoof infront of my face.
“There you go, now look at me.” My eyes darted to the white Princess. “Good, now stand.”
To both our surprise I pushed myself up to an upright position instantly and with ease. I smiled at my achievement, and then adjusted to my new shell. Never before had I thought I would be forced on four legs. I recall wondering what it would be like, and to be honest it isn’t different in reality than it was in my daydream.
“Alright, now try and walk.” She continued, as if she was suddenly a trainer.
I shook my front legs and put the left out first. Then the right leg. And now I was in a bad position. I looked as though I had slipped on ice. I brought the right one back and lifted my back right leg forward. This resembled the normal walk of an equine to me, so I continued and sooner or later I got the hang of it and was walking like an Olympic champion. In the Paralympics.
“How’s this?” I asked overjoyed with my progress.
“Looks fine” both Luna and Celestia said, watching me intently as I adapted. I wondered if they should really be doing this, and if they had done it before. Did they even know if the spell would work? To their luck it had, and I was asking these questions far too late.
Now that I could walk I took more of a chance to check out my new body. “Can I get a mirror?” A pony dressed in stylish rags pushed an overly sized mirror into the room for me. I was beginning to feel like royalty.
“Wow, I don’t look too shabby now do I?” A dark blue pony, ultramarine blue from what I can remember during those dreadful art classes I took on behalf of my parents, looked back at me. I had a brown mane, much like my original brown hair apart from it was longer and many bits parted from the main lock of hair, but rather than stick outwards they fell downwards.
My tail was the same, but I noticed something around my mouth. A shade of green, like the fields of lush, undisturbed grass surrounding Ponyville, covered my muzzle and my hooves. Green hooves! I dismissed them for being normal as you could probably find some pink, fluffy rainbow pony somewhere in this mad land, but I was still intrigued. My eyes hadn’t changed colour. They were ten times bigger but still a blue-grey and I was glad. I always liked my eyes.
My chest seemed bare, and that’s when I realised I forgot to put on my necklace. I found it where I collapsed and just barely managed to put it over my neck, luckily it was too big for me in the first place. I admit it was weird how short I was. I must have felt like Warwick Davis next to Steven Merchant, begging for a job on ‘Life’s Too Short’.
But dwarf jokes aside I knew that I was here to… well I didn’t know why I was here, however I was. The Princess told me that she was going to send me to Ponyville and keep an eye on me. She wanted to know what the outcome of someb-pony like me would be if I were to go and adapt in a pony community. I agreed, so far this world was much more beautiful, peaceful (apart from my minor disturbance) and happy than back home.
“So, ready to go?” asked Celestia, beckoning the town from the balcony.
“Yeah I guess. Time to roll.” I said back.
“Roll baby roll, let it roll all night long.” Ah, she could sing too. Then I realized something even more wonderful. She likes The Doors too!
“How do you know that? Those lyrics? Do you... Like The Doors” I was in disbelief that she actually knew who The Doors were, I mean they were a forty year old band.
“It’s something me and you have in common, we both love the King of C- The Lizard King.” Nice save the Princess, wouldn’t want your sister hearing that.
“Jesus bloody well Christ! The Princess is a fan of Jim!” I shouted in joy, proclaiming her as the greatest leader ever! Then I remembered. “A name! I forgot to name myself! I don’t reckon ‘Ian’ would go down to well.”
“No it wouldn’t.” She tapped her chin a few times in thought. “What would you like to be called?”
A couple of ideas came to mind but none were good enough. They were either too cheesy or sounded plain stupid.
“Can’t you give me some ideas?”
Celestia now rested her chin on her hoof and stood in thought. “Moonlight Mojo?”
I liked it but it did sound a bit puffy. “How about Mojo Blues?” I proposed. “Blues was the name of the game after all.” I added with a smile.
Celestia liked it, so it stuck. “Mojo Blues, Mojo for short.” And now her little test began. She wanted to make sure I wouldn’t slip up and reveal my true self, or arise any suspicion of my past. “Where are you from Mojo?”
This was actually a much easier question, as I had thought up the answer before thinking of a name.
“I’m The Changeling from The Hyacinth House.” I said smiling, and Celestia was buzzing too. “Hang on...” I sighed “You said Changelings ‘round here are bad, yeah?” She then frowned, failing to remember an event that nearly destroyed her land amidst all the excitement. “What about a Shaman? Yeah, a Shaman from The Hyacinth House?”
“Very good Mojo. But one last thing, how did you get here?”
I’ve done all this before, joking on forums and the lark. “The Crystal Ship? Then I travelled on the Spanish Caravan.”
Celestia gave a cheeky wink. We laughed together knowing our little secret is working far too well. A sudden jolt of electricity, or what felt like one, stung my flank. I turned my head to see what had happened, and rather than the plain coat I had earlier I found some sort of mark like the Princesses had. I took a closer inspection and saw that it was Jim Morrison’s head on my back end, but it wasn’t his actual face that decorated my ass, it was made up of various lyrics and song names, just like my tattoos!
I jumped with glee and thanked Celestia, speaking highly of my new, um... “What is it?
“Cutie mark? A bit…” she gave me the evils “Nevermind! I love it! I guess that’s all then, shall I be off?”
“First, where do you wish to go? I give you three choices: Whitetail wood, Everfree forest or Ponyville, the town where I sent you for your task.”
I didn’t expect to make this kind of choice. Whitetail and Everfree sounded like the sensible choices, as I guessed that the town might still be in a state of uproar, and if a new pony just happened to walk the same steps a hairless monster did, it wouldn’t mix too well.
“Everfree doesn’t sound too bad. Send me there. Oh and thank you your grace” I said confidently giving a bow, then closing my eyes for the teleportation spell.
“OK then, ready? 3… 2… 1…”
And zap, I was gone, teleported into a dark, murky run down forest with swamps and monsters around every corner and the sound of goddamn blood thirsty wolves, howling the night away.
“You absolute nonce.”
Ian: The Crawling Kingsnake of Equestria
A bubbling mix of fear and rage grew inside me. I stupidly decided to take my anger out on a nearby tree. First I punched it, sending a sharp pain through my front leg. But doing more damage to myself that the tree wasn't enough, so I span round and kicked it with both my hind legs. The tree shook in a frenzy, the crisp black leaves dropping like flies. It turned out to be quite the foolish idea as a dozen bat creatures emerged from the branches and fluttered about in chaos.
They screeched and darted like bullets towards me, their yellow fangs sharp and ready for the taste of pony blood. I got out of there fast, galloping through the dank forest and trying to find some form of exit, but all I found was more swamps and black, lifeless trees. At that moment I regretted not asking to be a Pegasus or Unicorn. At that moment I realised I never actually got a say in the matter.
I ran for what felt like hours, the time dragged out by the repetitive but hostile nature of the forest. By the time I had gone all Indiana Jones on the forest’s arse I had dodged a few pits of quicksand and ducked beneath one or two razor sharp branches that could easily take off a ponies head. With a quick glance back I was enthused to know the bats no longer cared to pursue my trail, a massive relief. Nevertheless, my surroundings were not something to be taken lightly; Everfree forest seemed to go on and on and on without an end.
I wasn't sad, I was mad.
This whole shebang must be another of Celestia's jokes. My life was at risk while she sat on her high horse… all big and mighty, laughing her fat arse off at my misfortune. Why the hell was this place called ‘Everfree’, anyway? Goddamn, whoever took care of this place must be dozing off to one hell of an extent to let it get so out of control.
Eventually, after trekking through the twisted twin of Mirkwood my ears picked up a young, high pitched voice that could had been that of a child's. Upon inspection, which was literally me pushing apart a thorn bush that blocked my view, leading to a nasty little cut on my left front leg, I found it belonged to a light purple reptile of sorts, with green blunt spikes decorating his scaled back.
He was very short, half the size of me at least, and to my surprise he walked on two legs. He carried very little with him, only a wooden pole with a red sack dotted with white spots ties onto the end. It was like something out of a cartoon, when one of the characters had had enough and for some stupid reason decided to run away. I didn't reveal my presence to him immediately; rather I just followed him for a while.
I was growing more and more nervous by the minute as I followed him. Chances were, if he was running away, we were going deeper into the forest. On the other hand what was he? Could he be dangerous? I mean, sure he was small, but reptiles generally are and that doesn’t mean they aren’t deadly. Just watch an episode of ‘Deadly 60’ and you’ll know.
Eventually he stopped in his tracks, presumably looking for the right path to take. I took it as my chance. "Hey, mate!" I shouted after him, as if I had spotted him from a distance. The poor guy flinched and froze still, but as soon as he caught a sight of me he calmed down.
"Who are you?” He said in bewilderment, no doubt not expecting to see anything familiar in this forest. “And why are you all the way out here by yourself? Are you from Ponyville?" The small purple lizard asked in rapid bursts. I could ask the exact same thing, especially since I actually looked like I could handle myself. An image of Spyro the Dragon crossed my mind as he spoke. They did look similar.
I thought at this point I should reveal as little as possible. I wasn’t sure if he was trustworthy, though I reckoned he would have attacked me by now if he meant too."Name's Mojo Blues.” I said with a friendly smile, holding out a hoof. Seemingly he wasn’t satisfied. “I’m a Traveller.” I said with my eyebrows raised, and took the role of Christopher Columbus greeting the Native Americans.
Only my findings wouldn’t lead to genocide. Off topic stuff, besides it was the Vikings that discovered America. Good old Norse.
“I just arrived in this forsaken forest from afar.” I said rather grandly, as if I was on my way to Mordor. I was tempted to say I came from The Shire. “I was wondering if you know where Ponyville is." The little guy sighed. He must have known, and not wanted anything to do with it. “Also,” I added out of courtesy, “if you could tell me who you are?”
He turned away from me, his purple head dropping and his little feet scratching the moist forest floor. “Listen man I just got outta Ponyville, and I don't wanna go back right now.”
I started moving closer so I could hear him better, though as I did so he backed away.
I shook my head. “I’m not gonna hurt you.” I reassured, stopping in my tracks. He may have the appearance of a kid but from what I gathered he was a fairly independent chap. “Where are you off to?” This forest was definitely a poor getaway haven.
“An old castle.” In this place? I scanned the forest for any signs of a castle, even a bit of stone, but all I found was sick vines and crumpled dreams. “It shouldn’t be too far ahead, although I’m not exactly sure which path to take.” Now this one did not sound too confident.
“Alrighty then.” I said, unconvinced anypony with enough power would call this place home. “What’s your name then, and what are you?” I asked again.
“I’m a dragon, and Spike’s my name.” I disagreed. Dragons are meant to be big, fierce, fire breathing monsters that collected gems and defeated sheep on stilts. I tutted. “What?” He said with a frown. In truth I was hoping for a better name for a dragon. Something grandiose.
"A dragon?" I said flatly, not believing him on bit. He nodded, and to that I shook my head. “O’ Spike the unassessably wealthy? How many towns have you burned?” I asked sarcastically, taking a few steps back and pretending to fear the mighty dragon.
"Dude, I'm a baby dragon." Well then, that makes more sense. And perhaps I shouldn’t have made so much fun of him.
"Fair enough.” I said, unable to conjure up an argument of my own. You never saw baby dragons in the movies. “So, what’re you going to do in this old castle?”
Spike went on to tell me about a recent event that had him sucked into a comic book. As much as I thought it all to be an absolute load of rubbish, he sounded confident that it was all true. The barebones of his story was that he felt left out, and wanted to get some alone time in the castle to read up and another of these ‘enchanted comics’ that are available to anyone.
But after what he had said about his comic incident, him saving the day from some evil pun-spewing nutter, I couldn’t see why he felt the need to bugger off into a dark and dangerous wood. The best thing that came from his story was that I found out he came from Ponyville, so I decided it was time for my persuasive charm to turn him around and show me the way back.
"You got any friends back at Ponyville, then?" I said with interest, though knowing the question was sure to hit a soft spot. I knew he had at least six, that or his story was complete rubbish.
"Well, duh.” He said like I was born yesterday, so apparently he was telling the truth as far as I could tell. “Some of the best friends anyone could hope for!" He barked in defence.
"If you’ve just scuttled off into this forest without a word of warning to your friends, imagine what they’re feeling right now.” Ooh, this must have what it was like to be a father. Not that being one was on my agenda, though I could be positive none of my kids would be running off into some forest full of massive bloody bats!
Spike's eyes fell to the muddy floor. "Yeah, but... It’s not like I can’t take care of myself!" I begged to differ, though I kept quiet about that. I shrugged and walked away, taking the path that turned left. “Where are you going?” He called after me.
“We can go left or right!” I shouted back. “And since the West is the best, I’m going left!” Solid argument there I thought. It was solid enough for Spike anyway, who jogged over too keep up with me. I didn’t blame him, even when following a path it seemed easy to lose track of your way.
After a while longer of trying to find this castle I gave up. There was no way we were going to find it in this mess. Every direction was blocked by some poison berry filled bush or spider web thick enough for me to start believing we’d entered Shelob’s back garden.
“This isn’t working.” I groaned in frustration, stepping around wildly in search for some indication where to go. I spied a cave not too far away, and in a last ditch attempt to preserve my sanity I pointed towards it. “Come on, there’s a cave over there and I’m not wandering around aimlessly anymore.” Before Spike could respond I was away, galloping to the cave and entering its shadow.
The cave’s entrance was huge, large enough to fit Spike into whenever he actually grew into a proper dragon. I didn't delve too deeply while I explored the beginning of the cave. If blood sucking bats swung from trees outside, God knows what horrors might have lurked within a place like that.
Not soon after Spike joined my, though he held his tail to his chest. As he came over his eyes darted to every crevice and corner of the cavern until the darkness revealed no more. “What’s wrong?”
“N..nothing.” He stuttered, unconvincingly. “Caves just bring back memories.” I wondered what kind. Not very happy ones telling from the way he shivered and shook.
I sat myself down against the wall and picked up a few stones. I rolled each one as far as I could while we talked. “We are lost, aren’t we?” I frowned when Spike didn’t answer. “What are we going to do? Oh I know!” He jumped when I raised my voice, and rightly so. He got me into the mess. “Let’s turn back and return to Ponyville!”
Spike sighed and rolled his eyes, joining me against the wall. “I don’t know...” The cave was surprisingly dry, but a rancid smell emanated from deep within. I did not want to know. “What is that?” He said placing his hand against his nose, changing the subject.
“Probably Gollum...” I muttered, trying to adjust my eyes to the darkness.
Spike barely heard what I said, an innocent “What?” sounding from him as I continued to stare.
For a while I ignored the smell and focused on getting somewhere safe. “Please can you take me to Ponyville, Spike.” I pleaded, stretching my arms more in boredom than anything. “You’re going to be in some deep shite if you don’t get back soon. Plus, I bet they need you like you need them, so don’t go about moaning about being useless.”
“What do you know about friends?” He asked rather cruelly.
“A pony once said friend is someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself.” I lectured, even if it was Jim Morrison who said that. But then again, who was Jim Morrison in Equestria?
"Yeah, I suppose you’re right, dude.” Spike twiddled with his sharp claws for a few seconds, then announced “We better get back."
A crack of lightning whipped the ground outside, followed by a downpour of black rain.
I gulped. "Fantastic... Let’s stay a while longer."
The rain fell and fell and fell, crashing down onto the forest relentlessly, never seeming to calm down. Puddles of thick mud formed around the cave, so foul I don’t event think pigs would enjoy them. We shared stories to kill the time. I learned that Spike’s six friends were actually these ‘Elements of Harmony’ the princess was talking about, and he was the assistant of a powerful Alicorn called Twilight Sparkle.
"Wait a second," I said, picking up on yet another Alicorn in this land, "There’s another Princess other than Luna and Celestia?" Apparently she was recently coranated, and bid the task of finding six keys to open some magic box. Again, I thought he was talking rubbish even if we were in a land of magic talking horses and ponies. And dragons for that matter.
"We’ll see your Princess again sometime soon." I said to reassure him, nudging him on the shoulder.
"What about you?" He said shifting his weight onto my shoulders to relax a bit, spreading his legs outwards. “What’s your story?”
"Well, apart from being a portable sofa, I'm what you call a Shaman.” This sparked some interest in his eyes, and I couldn’t wait to completely lie. “Back in my land we had this psychological thing that went around, called ‘Shaman Blues’.”
“And what’s that?” Damn. What was that indeed? I cycled through the lyrics, spending a little time singing them in my head. This probably made it seem more severe to Spike, as it looked like I was recollecting sad memoires.
“A love sickness.” I lied, remembering the song to be much more of a love song than anything. Something i hadn’t actually caught onto until that moment. I really needed to pay more attention to that album; it had some class songs on it. “Sort of like depression, but caused from one true love.”
“Wow, sounds serious.” Spike bought it wonderfully, enough so that I help back a giddy smile.
“Yep. As for my family; I was born into the Hyacinth House. We live way, way West of here, over seas and deserts. One day I decided it was time to leave, give the position of Shaman to another pony. I took the Crystal Ship to get this graceful nation. You know the best part of that ship?” He shook his head. “A thousand mares accompanied us on it.” I winked and he giggled. "After that it was a day's trip on the Spanish Caravan to get to the edge of this blasted forest."
"Why'd you come here?" This young dragon was seriously interested in my life. I was flattered. Not that we had much else to chat about.
"Wanderlust. You could call me a poet, or more likely a lyricist. Back home it was boring, none of that was permitted often enough, only on stupid special occasions which were too few and far between. One day I was about to head out to buy some bread, and then it hit me; “It’s time for an adventure.” Something new, y’know? So, with my skill of playing the keyboard and a smidgeon of skill strumming an electric guitar, I set out to see new sights, meet new ponies and drink new ales. I’m a tit for drinking.” I added one last wink before taking a breath.
Spike snickered once more. He seemed to be taking a liking to me. I was glad that I’d made a friend in such a short amount of time. Then out of the blue he asked an unexpected question: "Can you sing?"
Celestia had said she would give me a new voice, but she never told me if there were any perks along with it. "I'm not sure.” I answered truthfully. “I know a hell of a lot of songs, but I haven't tried singing them with this new voice."
Spike eyed me suspiciously. "New voice?"
Ooh, rookie mistake. I cleared my throat. "It's something we say back home." Spike bought it and I relaxed. "Let's see if I can."
The first song that came to mind with all this rain and strange places was called 'People Are Strange', so I had a go.
"Ponies are strange, when you're a stranger,
When you're strange, faces come out of the rain,
Spike looked at me with what I hoped was awe, as I impressed my voice with this voice. I loved it! "That was pretty good. What's it called?"
"Ponies Are Strange." Hey, if you change the lyrics, change the song name.
"You write it?"
Now what could I say to this? I didn't write it, no, but neither did anybody else in this world. I'm the only one who knows the lyrics and songs too. Thing was, if I was already posing as a fraud I may as well take it another step further."Yeah. Thought of it in a weird town on a day like this." I pointed to the downpour outside.
"It’s good. Spooky, and...”
“Strange?” I added with a wink. Oh how cheesy. Simmer down.
“Ha, yeah! I bet my friend Pinkie Pie would love to sing with you." She was the ‘party pony’ as both Spike and Celestia had described. From the rest of her personality she sounded a little too much for me.
"It's a possibility..." I honestly had my doubts about that. “Hey look!” I said with excitement, jumping up and walking to the entrance. The rain was dimming down, and a warm breeze ran through the trees. “Right then, time to get you home.” I threw the last rock in my hoof deep into the cave which was a poor idea, to say the least.
I took one step out of the cave and what felt like an earthquake shook both me and Spike off our feet. The whole cave shook. Small pieces of rock fell from new cracks in the cave roof, and a cloud of dust sprung out from deep in the cave, that same rancid smell as strong as ever.
"What in God's name is that?" I said in fear, getting set for a swift escape.
"I dunno but it doesn't sound good!" Spike yelled, darting off in a sprint. I could do nothing but stand and wait as the beast came into view, frozen still with fright.
A beast the likes I had never imagined to see up close emerged from the darkness. Its face was moist with sweat, while thin strands of withered hair sprouted from its wrinkly head. Soaked, torn rags dangled from its hip, barely dressing it. It wielded what I could only describe as a mouldy tree trunk in its hands, using it as its form of attack and defence.
My first thought was actually wondering what it was. I guessed it to be a forest troll, like the ones in Norse mythology that living in deep caves near underground springs, hibernating until disturbed. I didn't hang around; as soon as the troll swung for me I snapped out of my trance and galloped after Spike.
"Spike!" I exclaimed as I ran, having no sight of the small dragon. "Where've you gone?!"
I knew the troll was close, its shadow loomed over me as I failed to gain much distance. I dodged trees and jumped over bushes while the troll simply barged them out of the way.
To my luck a speck of purple caught my eye as I raced. I looked to identify it and thankfully it was Spike rushing through the trees and bushes, unharmed but scared out of his mind. I quickly shifted lest, dodging trolls club smashing against the ground, creating a huge crater that quickly filled with muddy water.
I soon joined Spikes side and scooped him onto my back, using my head as leverage. He wasn't a fast runner at all due to his small legs.
"That way!" he ordered, leaning forward pointing slightly to the left.
I was barely out of range of the troll as Spike rode me throughout the forest, directing me the right way and warning me when the troll was about to swing. I knew now what it was like to be a regular pony back on earth, being ridden and all, bit I'm sure they didn't have to run from trolls.
________________________________________
Spike’s claws dug into my back in fear as we began to think the forest had trapped us inside, never to escape. However as the troll gained some distance a ray of sunshine broke through the trees, and slowly the forest became thinner. I finally saw the sunlight once again, being devoid of any light at all being scarce in the last hour or so, ever since Celestia played her cruel joke. It was in very poor taste indeed.
Spike assured me we were almost there by patting me hard on the back, but we still had the problem of a troll on our tails. Even though I was an Earth pony who were said to have increased stamina, I was incredibly fatigued. It was the second time I had to run for my life that day.
"Ho… How f… far? I don’t... wanna be... squashed into... jelly!" I said, just managing to puff out the words between my gasps of air.
"Not long at all!" He said back with confidence, patting me once again.
I used up every remaining ounce of energy on that last stretch. I was caked in sweat, belonging to both me and the trolls, along with a kind amount of slobber that flew from his watering mouth, and my legs wobbled as I ran, burning in pain.
I shut my eyes in relief as the forest cleared into a large field of lush grass. When I opened them the town was bustling with activity. They must have seen the troll crushing the trees in Everfree. In the sky a cyan Pegasus yelled back to the town, and the sound of a bell ringing echoed throughout. Ponies rushed into the streets to see what disturbance we had arrived with, and many screamed when they saw the abomination pursuing us.
I took one glance back and saw the troll practically grazing my flank. He raised his tree trunk high, preparing for a blow. There was no chance I was dodging this one. 'This is it.’ I thought. For the sake of Spike I bucked him off my back as hard as I could, flinging him quite the distance through the air. As he landed on the soft grass I prepared for the trolls strike, tensing every muscle and squeezing my eye shut.
“Gahh.” Was all I could grunt. The impact sent me flying sideways, knocking all the wind out of my lungs. About a hundred feet across the field I landed with a crack, somewhat luckily on soft grass that slightly cushioned my fall. The damage was done though.
I wasn’t finished though. If someone hits me and I’m still standing, you bet I’ll come back for revenge.
I picked myself back up and spat out the blood dripping from the corner of my mouth. The beast had thought me down and out of the fight, so he continued towards the town. In a painful and fatigued limp I dragged myself towards the troll.
Some Pegasi from the town fought with the abomination, kicking it in the head and arms to try and force it back into the forest. The beast resisted their strikes for now and swung its weapon in every direction, trying to swat them out of the sky. Through doing this he lost his balance, stretching higher and higher in an effort to beat away the Pegasi.
I took the chance and snuck up behind its thick skinned legs and with all the brute force and energy I could gather I released a thundering kick behind its knee. The troll tumbled over in a roar of pain, however to my misfortune I couldn’t retreat fast enough and it landed on my leg, trapping me underneath its weighty arm.
As I squirmed and probably damaged my leg even more the troll gained a second wind. In a final struggle he brought his other hand up and raised it over me, preparing to crush me.
The pain in my leg was too excruciating for me to handle. I tried calling for help but nothing more than a puff of air exited my crushed body. That strange rainbow mane flew closer to me, but I couldn’t stay awake to greet her. I passed out, the song 'The End’ playing softly as my vision faded to blackness.
Ian: The Crawling Kingsnake of Equestria
It seemed I was getting a knack for waking up at dawn, it being the only time I regained consciousness after my two knockouts. Oh the misery I was in. It felt as if the moon had punched me in the stomach and kicked me in the balls for a laugh as it dipped down between the distant hills that I saw so beautifully through the window.
In all my trips to the hospital I had someone with me. If I was to have blood taken from me I would usually pass out; not because of fear but... Well actually I could never tell why. I was fine being injected with whatever they decided to put in me, but when they were taking life out of me I became slightly queasy and fainted on the chair. I deeply hoped blood tests wouldn’t be require during my stay.
Without thinking I budged ever so slightly, allowing my eyes to properly focus, and to my disappointment I found that nobody watched over me. Then again, my introduction to the town would be written down as ‘a stranger who led a troll into a peaceful town’, or so it seemed when I ran through it earlier, so I guess I couldn’t be surprised that my welcome was not one of happiness or of anything at all.
A clean, white bandage constricted my movement significantly. It had been tightly wrapped around my chest, creating a crease along my soar coat. Another two bandages covered my two right-hoof legs. I cringed as I felt the back one soaked with sweat, now could as my sweat had calmed down. The front one was much more comfortable in the non-watery sense, though the extra layer. A cast as it turned out to be, a cast as it turned out to be, gave me the impression I had fractured it, or perhaps it was even broken.
Now, on Earth the majority of horses and ponies with a broken leg would be shot, as it would be incapable of being ridden, worked or sold. I had the sad experience of seeing it in person twice while at the races, one during the Grand National. The screen may have blocked out the sight but it never stopped the action. Thing is, whether or not it was different here never crossed my mind, so l tried to escape. I was an absolute fool for trying, but to my defence I panicked. What would anyone else have done with the thought of being finished off?
In an attempt to flee I lifted my casted leg off its dangling, stiff supports and threw myself onto the checked floor. When in pain or panic sometimes strange thoughts cross your mind, the first of mine being how spotless the floor was. Just like an Earth hospital they were polished and even smelled like lemon. Looking back on it I haven’t the slightest clue why I thought I would land unscathed and on four feet like an agile cat. Instead I rolled off the side of the bed and hit the floor with a large thump, followed by my ear piercing screech of agony.
Two official looking ponies, a mare and stallion each wearing doctor jackets with stethoscopes around their necks, burst through the grey doors. They immediately saw me, my legs splayed out in every direction with my tongue hanging from my mouth.
“Dear Celestia!” The nurse yelled in surprise, though I caught her agitated tone. I wondered if ponies escaping hospitals was a commonplace. Every other movie I had seen where the character ended up in hospital there was always a scene where he broke free from the chains of free, or not so free if you’re in America, healthcare.
“Get him up quickly!” The other doctor instructed as he came and wrapped his hooves around my belly.
A quick ‘one two three’ saw me back onto the bumpy mattress. With a puff of breath the stallion shook his head like a disappointed parent or teacher. They then began questioning me.
“What were you thinking?” The doctor asked with a stern look, though always keeping his professional tone, speaking slow and clear. “You might have made your condition a whole lot worse.”
Obviously I couldn’t tell them the truth of what I was thinking. I don’t think anyone one would believe me if I were to say I reigned from a different world where shooting injured ponies was an everyday task. “Where am I?” I only just managed to say before feeling a cough brewing.
“You’re in Ponyville hospital, where in Celestia do you think?” He said back sharply, hurrying me to ask useful questions and give decent answers. If I could spare the breath I would blame her for my current position.
I continued with dry lips. “I’m not... I’m not from around here. I’m…” A rough cough interrupted me. “I’m from back West.”
“What’s your name?” The mare asked, her voice much softer and forgiving. She must have been the pony-person.
“Mojo.” I said quickly, not bothering with the full name until she pulled a frown. I looked like she wanted it full, probably for the records. “Mojo Blues.”
Suddenly the stallion continued, pacing around to the left side of my bed. “Alright then Mr Blues, you have sustained only light wounds com… what you co… broken… lucky…”
Fatigue had not finished with me as I crept into a deep slumber. The doctor’s line of sight was blocked by the wooden clipboard that magically floated infront of his face, so he never caught me drifting off. My eyelids gained more and more weight and my mind was shrouded and I was in a state of anguish I could only have described there and then. I tried to dream of what made me happy.
A shanty well was dug deep a few metres infront of me, the water hole surrounded by a brutal desert. I couldn’t move closer but from it rose as snake. It was an old snake and it kept on coming, impossibly judging from the depth of the stone well. I watched as the snake grew seven miles in length. Some hidden urge forced me to crawl on and ride the snake. I looked down as its moist skin soaked my coat and I realised I was a pony; a purple coloured pony.
I rode the snake onto the motorway, simply holding on and letting it roam freely. An abnormal amount of cars, hundreds and hundreds of them, zoomed by without a care. Every car I managed to catch a look inside revealed there to be nobody behind the wheel. Without contemplating it much we suddenly skidded to a halt. The snake had taken me to a bus. It was blue. A blue bus. A smooth face appeared on the front, calling me to get in.
The snake stopped and my body lowered. The snake dissipated, leaving me sitting on the warm sand, staring at the bus. I looked back at the highway for a second. An old Shelby Mustang drove by, but this time somebody was behind the wheel. A bearded man cruised by, our eyes meeting for a split second sending shivers down my spine. I thought I recognised him...
When I turned my head back to the bus I noticed it had moved closer and sand had built up against its dragged wheels. In a blink it changed its position, turning sideways so the door faced me. I took the chance to enter and stumbled inside; following a high pitched sound that emanated from the back. It was a voice, a hyper voice at that, and I quite liked it. I stepped into the dark shadow covering the back of the bus and lost myself.
One last time that same voice rang in my ears.
“What the hell...” I moaned as my eyes creeped open and I woke. Saliva slid down onto my covers from my dribbling. I wiped away the wet and felt the sunlight hit me, blinding me momentarily. It was midday and the sun was high, though the windows were tall allowing most of the light to invade. When I properly came too I saw that where usually there would be nothing more than an empty space filled with beeping machines and wires a pink pony stood with glee watching over me.
“Who’re you then?” I mumbled with a half-arsed smile, added to be polite.
The mare gasped at me for no reason whatsoever. I reasoned that it was because I didn’t know her name. Thing was, I couldn’t really see properly so I wouldn’t know if I recognised her. Then again, who would I know in this town? “Are you from around here?” She asked with, from what I could make out, a worried look.
“Calm down.” I said, trying to lift my hoofs. One was still attached and risen up while the other just hurt to move. “Ow...” I winced for a quite a long time, leaving the pony worried.
“Are you okay?!” She said quickly, leaning forward to inspect what hurt. I was surprised at her sudden concern.
“Yeah, yeah.” I still had my eyes closed but after another second I peeled them open, finally able to see clearly. “Ah, hello. I’ve actually just got into town.”
Like a bell in a boxing ring my answer sparked another round of happiness upon her face as she returned to her large grin. Placing a hoof on her chest she introduced herself.
“My names Pinkie Pie and I work at Sugarcube Corner! I also throw some of the best parties in town! Or so my friends say, but I hope that’s true. What about you?”
“One second, Pinkie Pie. How come you’re watching over me if you have no idea who I am?”
I contemplated over it briefly, but surely you would only visit the hospital to see a friend or relative? Yet I have some crazy party pony coming to see me, who turns out is also one of the Elements of Harmony!
She edged a little closer, so now she was beside me rather than infront. “Because I know how boring it can be staying in the hospital. Trust me, my friend Rainbow Dash was stuck in here for days and she was nearly climbing the walls!” Ah, another wielder of the Elements. I’ve got in with the right crowd, then.
Somehow Pinkie Pie re-enacted what Rainbow Dash could have done and climbed halfway up the rouge wall. I was going to ask how but seeing how this is a land of talking ponies, who cares!
“Well then, thank you.” I said sincerely, quite touched that she went out of her way. “My names Mojo Blues.”
And after that she was practically on top of me. “Blues? Oh do you play in a blues band? Or are you always down? Or is your favourite colour blue? Or do you ha-” While actually mustering up a good reason to explain why my name was indeed ‘Mojo Blues’ I faked a moan of pain to shut her up for a second. “Are you alright?” She inquired after immediately stopping.
“My name is Mojo Blues because...” I felt the easier route was the best one to take “Because I can play the blues. The err... Keyboard? And a bit of guitar. You have them... right?”
“Of course.” She said, adding a “Duh.” As if I was stupid to ask.
“Alright.” I answered back, defending my lack of knowledge of Equestria and its habits. “I recently found out I could sing, too.” Not that Spike was the greatest back up to that claim, he was a dragon –and a baby one at that- and I couldn’t be sure they had the ear for talent like Simon Cowell did. At least Spike wouldn’t put through the same rubbish time after time. “The ‘Mojo’ bit is because I was named after a very special poet: Mr Mojo Risin he was called.”
“I don’t think I’ve ever heard of him.” She tapped her chin with her hoof.
“I’m not surprised.” All these glorious lies. Remember kids, if you enter a magical land with no backstory, always lie! It’ll never come back to haunt you! “I come from way west. Beyond the Everfree forest.” I explained to Pinkie what I had too Spike about my ‘house’ and how I came here. I then told her about the troll mishap, which she already knew a great deal about.
“Yeah I was there! It charged at you like raaawwwggggg...” Pinkie mimicked the roaring beast “And swung his tree like,” once again she performed the moves of a troll, “then you saved the day by kicking its leg!”
“Hang on, how did I save the day? I led a raging monster into town and nearly got a baby dragon killed.” Pinkie giggled at this but I kept a straight face.
“Don’t be silly! You saved Spike and then helped defeat the monster!” Pinkie was serious. Ponyville might have generally believed that I saved them. I can’t say I wasn’t the attention whore type. I enjoyed it to a point, but after that I couldn’t be doing the all the praise if they were to thank me. A simple thank you would suffice. Anything more would be a nuisance.
“Alright.” I smiled, barley agreeing. “How is Spike anyway?”
“Oh he’s fine. Just a bit rustled up.” Pinkie’s whole body shivered.
“Good.” I narrowed my eyes as I couldn’t work out how long I had been in the hospital. Loads of wires and things were attached to me. “How long have I been here?” I hoped she knew.
“Well...” Her eyes pointed up as she thought. “The troll was about...” the pink mare counted with her hooves, “five days ago.”
“What!?” My ears shot up, at least they didn’t hurt. “Five days!” And I had only been awake twice in that time. “Jesus... Could you get a doctor in please?”
“My name’s Pinkie...”
“What? Oh, ha. A doctor, please?”
She trotted out of the room with a smile, even though she still wasn’t sure why she thought I called her the wrong name. Not soon after she returned with the same doctor I had met prior.
“Ah, good afternoon Mr Blues.” He said on entering the room. “I see you’re comfortable.” No doubt he was referencing my earlier attempt at escape. I was no Michael Scofield, I’ll give him that.
“Sorry about that earlier... moment, doc. I panicked is all.”
“Yes I’m sure.” He didn’t sound sure though, but he was kind of monotone so I ignored the lack of trust. “You actually also fell asleep while I was explaining your injuries. You could say it’s a good thing, because now you’ve recovered much better. You’re fractured leg is nearly healed thanks to quick thinking by our experts and the wounds on your chest and back leg have almost disappeared, but they will still hurt if you don’t get some rest when we release you, which will be…” The doctor scanned his clipboard, then the machines, then his clipboard again, and announced with both surprise and a hint of joy, “In the next hour!”
“Yay!” Pinkie shouted for me, as I hardly shared the same excitement. I wasn’t sure what was better; staying in the hospital or being thrown out on the streets with no money or food?
“Good” I muttered quietly.
The doctor felt his use was up, so he exited the room saying, but not before calling back. “We’ll inform you when you can go.”
“Well I guess you’re all set Mojo, maybe I’ll see you later!” Pinkie said, following the doctor out with a skip.
“Wait!” I shouted after her, afraid of being left completely alone when I get out. “Maybe you could stay? I wouldn’t mind a friend alongside me when I leave.” I honestly wouldn’t. I don’t think I would lie to manipulate someone. I don’t think I would...
Her pink face lit up and she cheered with joy, jumping up and then somehow gliding back into the room. Once she landed from her impossible fear she ran back to my side, placed her hooves up on the bed and leaned in until our muzzles met. “You mean it? We’re friends?!”
“Yes” I answered with a nod to force her to push herself back. I glad to be this kind hearted mare’s friend though, don’t get me wrong.
“Yes! Yes! Yes!” She cried as I laughed heartily.
Much like I did with Spike Pinkie stayed at my side and we shared many stories, most of them originating from Pinkie Pie. She shared some tales that Celestia had, though her versions went into much greater detail. Although eventually, much like with Spike, she too asked me to sing. It looked as if this was going to be my signature introduction.
“Go on! Sing!” She begged, bending her legs up and down in excitement. For what seemed like ten minutes I said “No!” firmly; however her persistent badgering soon managed to sway me.
“Alright.” I said, giving in with a long breath.
As we had talked for the majority of the past hour I noticed many Pegasi drifted by the large window in my room every now and again. They looked to be large in population, making me wish I had been turned into a Pegasus, or still be a human so I could ride one! As I laid there, wondering what song I could plagiarise by The Doors and turn the lyrics into pony-versions, I reckoned that the suns light shone through the window like a car headlight during dark nights back home.
I grinned to myself. “Pegasi Hiss By My Window.” I mumbled quietly to see how it sounded when spoken.
“What’s it called?” Pinkie asked ecstatically after barely hearing what I said.
“Pegasi Fly By My Window.” I repeated a little louder, much to the interest of a now silent Pinkie Pie.
I thought up the imaginary beat to help me along, barely able to contain myself from bobbing my head to it. The song had a slow, bluesy beat, which relaxed you.
“The Pegasi fly by my window, like the waves down on the beach. The Pegasi fly by my window, like the waves down on the beach. I got this mare beside me, but she's... out of reach. Sunight through my window, shinin' on the wall. Sunlight through my window, shinin' on the wall. Can't hear my foal, though I called and called.”
Pinkie looked to be enjoying the song, her head too swaying to the non-existent beat.
“Windows started tremblin', with a sonic boom. Windows started tremblin', with a sonic boom, boom. A cold mare'll get you, in a darkened room.”
I decided to end the song there, feeling that the guitar sounding noises the singer makes to finish the song would be a bit too tedious to perform while lying in a hospital room.
“That was awesome!” She said jumping up, seemingly satisfied and cooled by the song. “So you’ve heard of my friends Sonic Rainboom?”
“Your friend’s what?” Then it hit me. “Oh of course.” A lyric was ‘sonic boom, wasn’t it? That Rainbow Dash had apparently performed whatever one of those was. “Yeah, the Pri- uh…” Better not reveal I have a sweet ass relationship with the Princess. “Spike told me about it.”
“I sing too!”
“Go one then.” I hoped she didn’t just come up with a load of rubbish about ghosts or peace; there’s been enough about that these days.
“My name is Pinkie Pie~” Just as she started singing a couple of nurses interrupted, popping their head’s around the door.
“Shhh! Not in here!” They barked, before one entered the room. “You’re free to go, Mr Blues.” She told me. I was wondering if she also meant I was free from Pinkie, judging by the look she gave the pink mare. It hadn’t been an hour yet, so maybe they were just trying to stop Pinkie from singing. I dunno.
Pinkie didn’t continue with her tune. Instead she walked me out of the hospital. It was a much brighter place than the ones on Earth, everyone was kinder and in better moods. Though one thing was similar; the old ‘hospital smell’.
I thanked every familiar staff face as I left, which really was only two ponies in particular, both of whom were rushing about so I couldn’t tell if they acknowledged my thanks. As we neared the entrance to the hospital I noticed the low amount of ponies waiting at the reception. Either accident rates were at an all time low or the health care was supreme in Equestria.
So take note, America. Even ponies have free health care!
Pinkie Pie pushed open the front doors and blazing sunlight covered my body, the heat soaking into my coat. Birds fluttered alongside Pegasi in the beautiful, crystal sky, where not a single cloud burdened the blue. Scattered down every street were market stalls that bore well-dressed sales-ponies trying to sell on their goods, or what looked like common farmers advertising their crop. Each path lead to the main square which you could probably see from any street since they were so straight. Plus a huge building which I recognised to be the Town Hall stood in the city centre.
It was a haven. Ponyville was like a dream come true, only with ponies. Pinkie put her arm around my shoulder, waved the other across the town until it reached the square and said:
“Welcome to Ponyville!”
