Chapters The Dating Game... in Equestria!
The Dreaded Pilot Episode
"Oh, woe is Trixie!"
A hoof slammed onto a low metal rack, knocking items on it in random directions. Trixie slumped over the shelf, taking deep breaths and trying to prepare herself for twenty-two minutes of ridicule and stupidity.
Princess Celestia had "generously" offered Trixie a job as the hostess of some game show after the fiasco with the Alicorn Amulet, a proposition that the unicorn was quick to accept. Unfortunately, Trixie had neglected to read between the lines, or even what the show was, and as she found out soon after, the contract was concrete and binding. The unicorn was hired for an undisclosed number of episodes for "The Dating Game in Equestria," and there was no way out.
She had tried killing herself, but an entire bottle of Ibuprofen only made her hurl a lot.
Wiping her mouth free of a strain of saliva, Trixie staggered to the door of her dressing room and threw it open, not bothering with being annoyed at the bright studio lights; she was too busy with being annoyed at the cheap, gaudy outfit the production staff had forced her to wear. Trixie pulled at the tight collar, looking at the hot pink bowtie with disgust. Could they have at least let me wear a suit that wasn't bright yellow? At least the show was cheesy enough that she didn't have to worry about her reputation being ruined by wearing the little yellow abhorrence; any lingering self-respect she had was already in shambles anyway.
Shuddering, Trixie walked out onto the studio floor. Immediately the live audience cheered, startling Trixie out of her thoughts. The unicorn scrambled back behind the curtain, and the whoops and catcalls slowly died down to a whisper. Inhaling sharply, Trixie glanced over at the screen hiding three of the contestants.
"Thirty seconds!" one of the crewmembers stage-whispered.
Trixie knew a thing or two about show business, but she also knew that this wasn't going to be like a performance that she would put on. The crowd expected things here, things that made Trixie question the future of ponykind, and no matter how much time she had to herself there was always a tingling, nervous tremble about her body whenever she tried to remain calm.
"And five… four… three… two… one… we're live!"
The audience burst into applause at some generic theme song music playing. Somepony shoved Trixie, whispering, "Get out there, you mule!" Sending a disdainful look over her shoulder, Trixie reentered the filming area, grimacing at the ponies in the audience. Several of them looked drunk, and a few were lolling in their seats, either asleep or passed out. Groaning, Trixie approached center stage while staring straight down at the flimsy wooden floor.
Raising her head with no enthusiasm, Trixie magically pulled up her prompt cards, doing her best to look as uninterested and bored as she could. "Hello, and welcome to the first episode of-"
"Boo!" shouted somepony in the audience. A number of protests rang out at the speaker, and Trixie considered the strange dichotomy of the crowd: some were supportive, while others hated her.
Shrugging, Trixie continued. "Welcome to the first episode of 'The Dating Game in Equestria.' Today, you get to see two different ponies pick somepony from a group of three other contestants to date. These other contestants are unknown to the picker, because they are both shielded by a screen and have their voices altered with our sophisticated voice-changer. This makes the game… exciting, apparently. So, let's meet our unfortunate victim."
Trixie tromped over to the earth pony sitting in a chair, looking around the studio in wonder and waving every so often to the audience. "Today, our mare of the hour is… Pinkie Pie."
"Hi!" Pinkie Pie said, turning to Trixie. "What are you doing here? And by the way, what am I doing here?" The pony giggled.
"You're a contestant for this dumb game show," Trixie replied, keeping her distance from the pony's jubilance. "You're going to have to pick a pony to go on a date with."
"A date?" Pinkie tilted her head. "I don't have a calendar with me, although I'm pretty sure it's the seventh. Ooh, unless you're talking about these!" Pinkie Pie held up several small fruits.
Trixie covered her face with a hoof, trying desperately to keep it from moving to the earth pony's throat. The unicorn hadn't even introduced all of the contestants yet, and already she was feeling a rising urge to murder one of them. "No, you're going to be going out for a night on the town with one of three anonymous ponies. You ask them questions and pick one at the end."
"Oh. In that case, I pick you!"
Trixie snapped her head back up, surprised and disgusted. "What-? No, you can't pick Trixie! It's not that easy!"
"Aww…" Pinkie Pie pouted, crossing her forelegs over her chest.
Shaking her head, Trixie began moving to the screen to introduce the three stallions.
"You forgot to give her the question card!" one of the ponies offstage hissed.
Grumbling, Trixie slapped the card on Pinkie's nose with a flick of her horn before marching over to the screen. Pinkie Pie was plastered all over the advertisements, so it was likely that the screened stallions volunteered because they wanted a date with Pinkie Pie, not some random mare. "Okay, here we are with our three so-called lucky contestants. In chair number one, we have…" Trixie trailed off in disbelief.
"…a Wonderbolt."
Soarin' grinned in his officer's uniform, looking like he was having the time of his life. "You betcha, son!"
"Trixie is not your son," Trixie snapped. "Why are you even on the show?"
"'Cause the last time I was in Ponyville, I took a stop by Sugarcube Corner, and I tell you, those pies were in the sky !" Soarin' punctuated this with a whoop, throwing a hoof in the air and almost hitting the screen in front of him.
Trixie sighed, choosing to simply move on. "And for number two, we have- whoah!"
Snails was perched on the metal folding chair, grinning like a madpony. "Hi there, Great and Powerful Trixie."
"H-How did you even get onstage? They're not supposed to let colts on!" Trixie yelled.
Snails shrank back from Trixie's angry glare. "I-I like Pinkie Pie, she's nice and her cupcakes taste good."
Trixie screamed in frustration before stomping over to the third pony. "And here we have…" Trixie glanced at one of her cards. "Caramel."
"Um, hi," the earth pony said, nervously regarding the crowd. "I'm-"
"Okay, thank you, whatever," Trixie interrupted, "but it's time to get to the game. Pinkie, ask one of these ponies a question already."
"Oh, goody! Okay, um, pony one, do you like waffles?"
"No!" Trixie said. "You have to ask the questions on the card!"
"But why? I don't want to!"
Trixie seethed. "Just. Do it."
Pinkie Pie scrunched up her face. "Fine. Pony number one, if you could pick the romantic music for our date, what would it be?"
"'Loyalty' by my bro Mando!" Soarin' shouted, raising his hooves into the air.
Pinkie Pie waited for a few seconds, before snapping back to the card. "Pony two, what base would you go to for the first time?"
Snails looked up to the ceiling. "Um, well if I just hit the ball, I'd go to… first base, right? And then you have to run around until you get to the big diamond-shaped one. So I'd go to home plate as fast as I could!"
Trixie curled into as dignified a ball as she could as the audience erupted into raucous laughter. Snails just blinked.
"Pony three," Pinkie Pie said, seemingly unfazed by Snails' unintentional innuendo. "Have you lost your 'special something' yet?"
"Well, um, I've lost a few things…" Caramel flushed at the studio's laughter. "N-Not that , though! Just some seeds!" The howls increased in volume. The beet-red earth pony covered his face with his hooves. "Just, leave me alone…"
"Um, okay," Pinkie said. Her eyes scanned the card. "I don't like these questions."
"Well, too bad, because you have to ask them," Trixie answered. The unicorn wished she had a clock so that she knew how long it was going to be before the torture was over for commercial break.
"Well, you're a poopy-pants and I'm going to ask my own questions anyway!" Pinkie tossed the card on the floor, before putting a hoof to her chin. "Pony one, do you like waffles?"
"Well, I like waffles, and pancakes, and French toast, but my favorite dish is a nice, big pie!" Soarin' started doing a little dance in his seat. Trixie felt like she wanted to cry; whether at how bad the show was or how poorly this Wonderbolt member was behaving like a professional, she couldn't tell.
"Ooh, I think I like this pony!" Pinkie Pie said. "Okay, pony two, do you like playing games?"
"I like playing games!" The colt smiled. "I like playing with my friends the most, but when they're busy I just play with myself."
"Where did they find these ponies…" Trixie muttered as the audience broke out in rude guffaws. To be fair, Snails was asking for it by trying to get on the show.
Pinkie scratched her chin. "Hmm… pony three, if I were to bake seven hundred cookies, would you eat them all with me?"
Caramel straightened up. "Uh, I guess so. I mean, um, if I didn't puke first. I mean, not because your cookies are bad! Just, I might get a tummy ache, you know, from eating all of those cookies, and, um, yeah." The earth pony sat there, twiddling his hooves.
"Aw, that's disappointing." Pinkie Pie frowned, before brightening up. "Pony two! Do you like parties?"
"Um… If there's presents, then I like parties." Snails looked at the audience in confusion as they complained about Snails' lack of a clearly dirty answer. One of the audience members shouted, "Hey, do some magic tricks with carrots!" to more crude laughter.
Trixie wondered how easy it would be to stab herself on her own horn.
"Presents, huh…" Pinkie said. "Pony one! If you could have any one thing, right now, what would it be?"
"Um…" Soarin' bit his hoof, sucking on it. Trixie gagged. "I guess… I'd want a Jacuzzi in my house, because they're awesome."
"Ooh, I want a Jacuzzi too! Except only the spa place has them, and Rarity always insists on trying to style my mane when she talks to me about it, even though she's tried like seventy-three times and all she's managed to do is get the curls to go the opposite way, which is why-"
"Okay, you're done," Trixie interrupted. "Pick a pony now. Please."
"Um, okay," Pinkie said. "I pick… pony one!"
"Oh, thank Celestia," Trixie murmured, having been terrified of what would happen if Pinkie had said two. Taking a composed breath, Trixie magicked her cards back up in front of her. "Let's see who you rejected."
Caramel came out from behind the screen, giving a quick smile to Pinkie Pie. "You rejected Caramel of Ponyville." Caramel shrugged before walking offstage, slipping slightly on the floor. That night, he would wail about how he was destined to be forever alone after his fillyfriend had broken up with him.
After a few seconds of nopony else emerging from the screen, Trixie lost her patience. "Hey, colt! Get out here!" Snails peeked around the screen at the unicorn before darting off the stage up to the studio doors and rushing out.
Trixie raised an eyebrow. "You also rejected Snails of Ponyville."
The screen lifted, while a crackly drumroll played from the studio's speakers. "Which leaves… Soarin', of Cloudsdale." A cymbal crashed and a scant amount of confetti dropped onto the floor.
"Hi, mister Soarin'!" Pinkie greeted, running over and enthusiastically shaking Soarin's hoof. "I'm Pinkie Pie! You like pie, so it's a good match I think!"
Soarin' laughed. "For sure, Pinkie!"
"Now, you have to pick your vacation spot!" Trixie interjected, holding three envelopes up to the ponies' noses.
Pinkie Pie's left back leg thumped the floor, and her right knee wobbled. "Ooh! I know! I know!"
Trixie drew the envelopes back from Pinkie's extending hoof. "Uh, Trixie doesn't think so, freaky-hooves. Soarin' picks."
"Aw," Pinkie mumbled as Soarin' picked the center envelope. "I wanted the left one…"
Trixie opened the pair's chosen envelope. "Looks like you two get to take a trip to… Ponyville, how wonderful for you."
"Oh well, at least we can grab something at Sugarcube Corner," Soarin' said.
"Okay, mister Soarin'!" The two exited the stage, and Trixie turned around at the somewhat displeased-looking audience.
"Well, there you go. Coming up next, is our unlucky stallion picking from three equally unlucky mares. I'll see you in five."
The audience reluctantly clapped as generic theme music emitted from the speakers, and Trixie trotted with as much pride as she could to her dressing room before attacking her suit with scratching hooves and magic. "It itches, it itches !"
"Hello, and welcome back to 'The Dating Game in Equestria,' with The Great and Powerful Trixie as your host," Trixie read off her card. "In the second part of our show, there will be one stallion asking three mares questions, blah blah blah, like it matters. Let's meet our stallion."
Trixie walked over to the chair, now occupied with a brown earth pony with moneybags as his Cutie Mark. "Say hi to the ponies, Filthy."
"I prefer Mr. Rich," the pony answered, giving a curt wave of his hoof.
"Yeah, you're not going to get by with that name here; the audience will call you Filthy no matter what you say," Trixie commented, before moving on to the screens. "And here are our hopefully not-ugly contestants. In chair one we have- P-Princess Luna?!"
The Princess of the Night herself gazed down at Trixie from her chair. "Greetings, subject."
"Wh-What are you doing here?" Trixie asked, dumbfounded.
"I was hoping to familiarize myself with the working pony's recreational activities," the Princess explained. "Hence, I considered it a welcome opportunity to appear to ponies as an equal, rather than as above them."
"Okay, that's a great idea in theory, but this was not the game show to pick for that," Trixie said, exasperated. "It's a dating game; there are questions that are… sexual!"
Luna considered this for a moment. "Then I suppose it would be a welcome opportunity to learn about current word usage in passionate relationships."
Trixie moaned before looking at the second chair. "Our second mare is… okay, who let you in?"
The mayor of Ponyville grinned proudly. "I applied! I was hoping to get a date with Mr. Rich to convince him to donate some of it to the Ponyville Town Hall! We do enjoy keeping our town nice and tidy!"
Trixie felt her temper rising, and a few breaths didn't help. "Okay, just one more… in chair three, we have- oh, you've got to be kidding me."
A maroon earth pony guzzled from a bottle filled with what looked like white wine. "Hey, wazzup."
"That's it, I quit. Trixie has had enough of this." Trixie tore off her suit and bowtie, teleporting out. The crowd began yelling, demanding that the show go on, and the four ponies grew increasingly uncomfortable, bar Berry Punch as she was far too interested in sipping her drink.
Filthy Rich fidgeted in his seat. "Can I ask the questions now?"
"YES!" the crowd roared in response.
"Um, okay," Filthy Rich said, looking at the card he was given. "Pony number one, how old are you?"
Princess Luna's eyes widened, and she lowered her head in thought. Should I reveal my true age? Would anypony be able to use that truth against Celestia or myself? The Princess paused. Perhaps I should be roundabout.
Filthy Rich cleared his throat. "Um, pony one?"
"Hold a moment!" Princess Luna snapped, before thinking hard. What was the life expectancy for ponies nowadays? It was probably safe as long as she kept within double-digits.
"I am over seventy!" the Princess declared.
"O-Oh my!" Filthy Rich exclaimed. Unwanted thoughts filled his head of a random old mare of seventy cuddling him. Blushing furiously, the earth pony coughed and fiddled with his card. "Pony two, which do you value more: time or money?"
"Money!" the mayor squeaked. "Money money, money money money…"
Filthy Rich inched his chair away from the screen. While wealth was fine, this mare seemed obsessed with it. "…Pony two?"
The mayor snapped out of her revelry at Filthy Rich's words. "Yes, money? I mean, honey?"
"Never mind," the stallion said quickly, returning to the questions on the card. "Um, pony three, do you have any embarrassing secrets?"
"Weeeeelllll…" Berry Punch drawled out. "I can't stop myself from drinking from the punch bowl at parties. I'm addicted to fruit juice." The earth pony took another swig of her sparkling white grape peach juice bottle, smacking her lips. "I also get kicked out of places a lot because 'I look drunk.' What's up with that, know what I'm sayin'? You spell fruit juice and alcohol differently, for one thing. I mean, maybe I don't wash my mane every month. What's it to you, and why should I care?"
Filthy Rich suppressed a whimper. None of these ponies were sounding all that great for a night out. "Pony one…" the businesspony picked a question at random. "How might you describe your…" The pony's face scrunched up in confusion. "Tail?"
"Oh, it's shiny, dark blue and very long! See?" With this, Princess Luna flipped around, revealing her tail in all its twinkling, starry beauty. Almost all of the audience members screamed, and several fainted, although it was more due to the fact that she was essentially flashing her hiney. A security guard came onstage, turned the princess around and warned her not to do that again. Luna nodded and bowed her head, pretending to be sorry. These ponies are unaware of the purpose of "mooning," it seems…
Although Filthy Rich could not see the action from his vantage point, a piece of him deep down shuddered. "P-Pony two, if you made breakfast in bed, what would it be?"
"Well," the mayor of Ponyville said, "I'd serve some pancakes with butter, and I suppose orange juice if citrus is in season, and I'd make a side of hash browns."
"R-Really?" Filthy Rich sputtered, incredulous that a pony had answered with a statement that didn't scar him.
"Oh, and for you I'd make some cold cereal!" Mayor Mare wriggled in her seat.
"…Okay…" The stallion's ears drooped as his brief hope got shot down. "Pony three, if the world was ending in ten seconds, what would you say?"
"Um…" Berry Punch put a hoof to her chin. "I guess I'd say, 'well, it was a fun ride while it lasted,' and just have a moment of peace with myself. I mean, there's no real point to freak out if you can't do anything about it." The mare tipped her drink up, but nothing came out. "Aw, shucks. Out of juice."
Filthy Rich smiled a little at the response, but then Berry Punch stood up on her chair and began shouting, "Who's got some juice around here?" Most ponies in the crowd shied away from the mare's yells, and after a few calls Berry finally sighed and walked offstage, heading through the studio's double doors and into the lobby.
Filthy Rich blinked. "Was that supposed to happen?" Nopony answered. "…Okay. Um, pony one, if I became a lunatic, what would you do to help me?"
"A lunatic?" The princess tilted her head. "I am unfamiliar with this word. Might you define it?"
"Uh, lunatic? Madpony? Insane? Crazy?"
Princess Luna's jaw dropped. "You-You ponies have taken my name and… CORRUPTED IT TO 'INSANITY'?" The enraged princess smashed the screen down, showing the terrified earth pony her glowing eyes and fully unfurled wings. "THOU SHALT PAY THE PRICE FOR YOUR WORDS!" Luna's horn charged with a midnight radiance, darkening the surrounding area in a blanket of light-draining murk.
Filthy Rich gulped, sinking as low in his seat as he could. "P-Please don't hurt me…"
The princess of the night's expression showed no mercy.
"IT WILL COST YOU… SEVEN MILLION BITS!"
Trixie regarded the tale with an air of indifference. "Yes, it went just about as well as Trixie expected it to."
The alicorn's subsequent assault on Filthy Rich had somehow been erased from both the cameras' recording banks and the spectators' minds, but the experience had left Filthy Rich gibbering so incoherently about the price of his repentance that he had to be committed to Canterlot's Institution for the Mentally Ill. Princess Celestia was consoling her sister on the other side of the break room. The Princess of the Night was taking deep, controlled breaths while being patted on the back.
Berry Punch had missed all the drama while arguing with a manager over the lack of a concession stand, and left the studio somewhat disappointed, although she had reduced her vocal complaints to irritated grumbling once she received the cash sum paid out to all of the participants. Mayor Mare left afterwards, dragging her mane in the dirt as she walked to the train station to return to Ponyville, muttering about how "such a waste of money it was, such a waste…"
"Meaning Trixie made the right choice when Trixie walked off the stage," Trixie said.
"No, you did not," Princess Celestia interrupted, joining Trixie and the tech crewmember speaking to her. "I believe you need to read this."
Trixie's contract was shoved under her nose. As she perused the scroll, Princess Celestia glared at her. "Your contract involves hosting the show, without leaving in the middle of it. I am going to have to give you a penalty for this, Beatrice Lulamoon."
Trixie gulped. "I-Is it a harsh penalty?"
Then Princess Celestia stomped on her right foreleg.
Trixie crumpled to the ground screaming. "OW! That wasn't a penalty! You just broke my leg!"
"Yeah, but you learned your lesson, didn't you?" Celestia walked back over to her sister, and the two princesses left the studio, leaving the unicorn hostess sobbing on the floor, cradling her hoof in pain.
The Dating Game... in Equestria!
Trixie bounded onto the stage as the generic theme music boomed out of the speakers, signaling the third episode of "The Dating Game in Equestria." A bright, honest smile was on Trixie's face as she proudly flourished herself before the crowd.
"Why, hello everypony!" Trixie said, calm and confident. "Welcome to the third episode of 'The Dating Game in Equestria,' hosted by me, the Great and Apologetic Trixie! Now, you might be asking yourself, 'Why is Trixie so giddy today?' Well, it is simply because Trixie has received the very good news that this show's ratings are falling faster than a banana on the moon!"
"Actually, the moon's gravity-" one pony in the audience started.
"Shut up!" Trixie interrupted. "You know what I meant anyway, don't split hairs! Anyway, it is very likely that this terrible excuse for entertainment will be cancelled, and no show means no binding contract, which makes Trixie very, very happy!"
"Does this mean you'll actually be nice to contestants for once?" asked one of the audience members.
"Don't be picky, you're lucky enough that Trixie is in a good mood today!" Trixie snapped. "Anyway, let's get on to our game. Our mare of the hour is-"
As Trixie turned and locked eyes with the twinkling purple eyes of the pony in the seat, she froze stiff. Only her jaw moved, falling wide open before Trixie slowly closed it again. She raised her hoof, pupils shrunk to pinpricks, and lamely poked at the air, mumbling random gibberish.
"Oh gosh, this is so exciting!" Twilight Sparkle said, looking around the room eagerly and flapping her wings slightly. "I've never had a date with anypony before, but Pinkie Pie said she had a fantastic time with Soarin', so I decided to try my hoof at it!"
Trixie shut her eyes, bracing her legs against the cheap wooden floor and taking a few deep breaths. "No. Not even Twilight Sparkle is going to ruin today for you, Trixie. This is just another test for Trixie before the day when karma rewards Trixie for all that she's suffered through." Opening her eyes again, Trixie forced down the desire to hit Twilight with the steel folding chair that the alicorn was perched on and instead forced a smile. "Well, Twilight Sparkle, I hope you find your stallion quickly!"
"Oh, thank you!" Twilight Sparkle replied.
"Just so that the game's over quicker," Trixie mumbled under her breath, haphazardly tossing the questions card in Twilight's direction. "Alright, let's meet our three contestants. In spot number one, we have... ugh, Prince Blueblood."
Prince Blueblood wiggled his eyebrows, standing next to his chair.
"Why are you not sitting on your chair?" Trixie demanded.
Blueblood scoffed. "Oh please, that chair is absolutely nasty! Why, I'll bet there are germs and diseases on that chair from all sorts of places, seeing how this so-called 'studio' is such a dump! I'm even uncomfortable standing on this very floor!"
Trixie rolled her eyes. "Whatever."
"How can you just say 'whatever'?! This is a living nightmare for me!"
"Aaaaand moving on," Trixie said, pointedly turning away from Blueblood to the next seat. "In seat number two, we have the co-ruler of the Crystal Empire and captainoftheRoyalGuardShiningArmor?! "
Shining Armor snorted, hooves folded over his chest as he sat on his folding chair. "Cadance decided to appear on this show, so I figured I'd repay the favor! See how she likes it when her love is on a game show scouting out the mares!
"Um..." Trixie said. "You... do know that your sister is going to be the one asking you questions, right?"
Shining Armor's confidence quickly vanished, to be just as quickly replaced with horror. "Wait, what?! "
"And contestant number three," Trixie announced, smirking at Shining Armor's rapidly growing panic, "is Davenport, from Ponyville, he sells quills and sofas in a shop, he's weird, yes yes yes. Let's applaud at these three contestants, or whatever."
A few solitary claps and one cough echoed through the auditorium, quickly making way for the awkward silence to rush back in.
"Anyway," Trixie continued, marching back over to Twilight, "Trixie is going to be over here. If any of you need something, ask somepony else, because Trixie is sure as hay not going to help you." Pulling out a picture of Twilight Sparkle from her hat, Trixie carefully hung it on the back wall before beginning to lazily throw darts at it.
"Um, okay!" Twilight said, looking slightly confused yet very eager to begin. "All right, pony number one-" Twilight paused to let out a giggle. "Sorry, I'm nervous."
A snort of irritance was heard from behind Twilight Sparkle, as Trixie flung a dart a bit harder at Twilight's face.
Twilight cleared her throat, composing herself. "Pony one, are you an outdoors pony, or do you prefer staying inside?"
"Well," Prince Blueblood began, slicking back his mane with a flawless hoof, "I really have no preference, provided I may bring some sort of assistance with me. You know, just a few dozen servants, nothing much."
The crowd booed loudly, louder than they had ever cheered in the history of the show, but security guards around the studio managed to keep anything more than loud voices of disapproval from occurring.
Twilight, confused with the audience's disapproval and pony one's answer, shook her head and glanced back at the questions card. "Pony two, what would be your song of choice for a serenade?"
By this point, Shining Armor was going through a complete nervous breakdown; of all ponies it could have been, it was his sister. Shining Armor was terrified of what might happen if Twilight picked him, then labeled him as incestuous. As a result, he had taken to rocking himself back and forth on the ground, sucking his hoof and trying to comfort himself by singing the happiest songs he could think of. "Giggle at the ghostie... "
Twilight leaned as far back as she could without tipping her chair over, unsure whether she misheard or pony number two was simply insane. "Uh, o-kaaaaaaay... Um, pony three, do you love books?"
Davenport snapped to attention, having been very transfixed on Shining Armor's sudden reversal from angry yet collected to a blubbering mess on the floor. "Oh! Um, well actually, yes I do! One of the reasons why I run my shop is to have something to write with while you're reclining on a comfy couch!"
Twilight's eyes lit up. "Oh, that's fantastic!" Looking back at the card, Twilight scrunched her eyes up to read off the next question. "Pony one, are you one for love and tolerance?"
"Why, of course!" Prince Blueblood said, cleanly lying through his teeth. "I am a very loving and tolerant pony. So much so, that I'm very popular and have many friends!"
The audience broke into pandemonium as members immediately began screaming at Blueblood and frothing at the mouth, only barely held back by various security members from rushing the stage.
Out of the stage left section of the audience, a brick came flying directly at Prince Blueblood's head. It contacted with his skull directly below his horn, shattering his cranium with a loud thunk . His body flopped over, slamming into the folding chair and knocking it to the floor with a loud crash .
The crowd quieted to dead air almost immediately. All watched Blueblood as a bloodstain slowly grew around his immobile figure. Trixie, mouth agape, dropped the forty-seventh dart she owned and tentatively approached the figure, grimacing at the red liquid his body was lying in. The entire audience made not a sound as Trixie slowly bent down, flipped around Prince Blueblood's hoof, and checked for a pulse.
"...He's... dead..." Trixie announced, after a few tense seconds.
Nopony said a word.
Then, an uproarious cheer rose, even louder than when they had booed at the unpleasant unicorn, and compartments on the ceiling opened up to let confetti and balloons shower down on the crowd. Amongst the festive party elements, security guards lifted up a tan pegasus with a cleanly cut brown mane from the crowd, to even louder shouts of joy. The pegasus in question, a mare named Wild Fire, was grinning ear to ear like she had just won a prize. And indeed, with the way that everypony, even the guards, were heaping praise upon her, one might assume at a glance that she had been awarded a gold trophy for being the Best Young Flier Who Killed Blueblood. Gifts and hugs were lavished upon her in earnest as she exited the studio in triumph, head held high.
"Huh," Trixie mused, unheard over the deafening screams of unbridled elation. "Trixie would have put every bit she owns on Trixie being the one to kill someone onstage first, but it appears that she has been beaten to the punch. Much respect, pegasus. Much respect."
The partying could not be contained for an entire ten minutes, the entire duration of which Trixie threw darts at Twilight's poster. She eventually ran out of darts, and began scavenging spare nails and other sharp things to use as ammo against her archenemy's paper face. Once the celebratory shouts had lost their luster and the noise died down to relatively tame whispers of uncontrollable excitement, Trixie's conversation-volume voice finally managed to carry to everypony's ears.
"Well, since we're due for a commercial in two minutes, you'll have to pick your pony now, Twilight," Trixie droned on, not looking over from where she was delicately aiming a dull pencil at the poster. Twilight's face was unrecognizable from beneath the hundreds of sharp objects obscuring it.
"Oh, okay I guess," Twilight said, frowning. "I sort of wanted to ask a few more questions, but I suppose I'll just have to go with what I have. So, I pick pony three!"
"Sweet Celestia yes thank you I promise I will give you hooficures for a month for this! " Shining Armor shouted, forelegs raised in gratitude. Clicking his hooves together, the unicorn pranced out the studio doors, shouting "life is grand! "
"I'll make sure to hold him to that promise," Princess Celestia commented from her front row seat.
"Great, great," Trixie said, squinting as she fired a pair of scissors into one of the few open spaces on her Twilight poster. "You rejected your bro, and a corpse. Good job."
Twilight had never felt such a strange urge to cheer and retch at the same time before.
"Anyway, Davenport, get your flank out here and pick a vacation spot," Trixie yelled irritably. Whimpering, the quill and sofa salesman cautiously approached the three envelopes being held up by magic. His hoof noticeably shook as he slowly reached for one.
"Come on, Trixie doesn't have all day!" The hostess screeched.
Flinching, Davenport cowered away from the envelopes, terrified. However, as he glanced toward Twilight, and her bright smile, he gulped hard before forcing down his apprehension and quickly swiping the left envelope from Trixie's magical grasp.
"All right, great," Trixie said, ripping the paper out of the envelope so harshly it tore into two pieces. Placing them lazily back together, Trixie muttered briefly before reorienting one part so that the location was actually readable. "You two are taking an all-paid trip to Baltimare. Congratulations, somewhere that doesn't outright suck."
Twilight beamed at Davenport, to get a nervous grin as a reply. The two walked offstage, Davenport decidedly stiffer than Twilight.
"'Kay," Trixie said, addressing the audience, "Trixie's gonna go and crash for a couple of minutes. With any luck, the rest of this show will go by really quickly so that Trixie can be free for the rest of the day." As a janitor came out and began cleaning up the mess that was once Blueblood, Trixie dragged her hooves to the edge of the stage as the generic theme music once again played out of the speakers.
Trixie dragged her hooves to the edge of the stage as the generic theme music once again played out of the speakers, eliciting déjà vu from many audience members and saving the author from writing something to restate the previous sentence, but in different words.
After the technicians quickly patched up the fourth wall from where it had been breached with wads of bubblegum collected from the audience and a spare piece of lint, Trixie walked to center stage, cleared her throat and began speaking. "Fillies and gentlecolts, we are now going to watch a poor sap choose from three bland ponies of the opposite sex to have a date with. The only difference here is that now it's an unlucky male picking from three equally unlucky females. Why yes, this show is the most unoriginal ever, everypony else has thought that before you."
Turning to the stallion in the seat, Trixie was unable to get out a word before needing to hold down bile in her throat. "Who-... no, what are you?!"
The incredibly old and disgusting-looking unicorn was splayed out like a cadaver, yellowed eyes rolling up into the back of his head and tongue lolling out of his mouth. Letting out a crackly grunt, the stallion moved slightly. "I am... Star Swirl... the Bearded..."
"What?! Lemme see, lemme see!" Twilight Sparkle rushed up to the stage only to be caught and held back by two unicorn security guards. "No! Star Swirl! My greatest love!"
"How old... are you?" Trixie asked, backing away from the ancient pony.
"Rumors of my death... were greatly exaggerated," Star Swirl croaked out.
Trixie's eye twitched, and she had to look away before she vomited on the floor. "Okay, well, I guess our three mares are even unluckier than usual. So, for pony one, we have- okay, you are not a pony."
Queen Chrysalis huffed on her seat. "Oh what, you think that just because I'm a changeling, I can't date? Is dat it?" the changeling queen smacked her lips loudly, crossing her hooves and blowing a stray hair from her mane out of her face.
Trixie facehoofed. "No, I just-"
"Then what, huh?" Chrysalis interrupted. "Y'all ponies just think that all changelings look the same , and that we can't even get some without changing. I see how it is. We're all about the 'hearts and hooves,' all dat shit, to you ponies. I get it."
"Ugh. Fine. I don't even care." Trixie moved over to pony two's location, snorting. "Sheesh, next thing you know Princess Celestia will be in one of these seats... all right, pony two is..."
Princess Celestia smiled down at Trixie. "Hello Trixie! I love the gaudy yellow vest you're wearing, it matches very well!"
Trixie looked directly in Celestia's eyes with a straight face. "Trixie is going to stop tempting fate so often."
"That would be wise," the princess agreed.
"Pony three," Trixie said, screwing up her eyes and holding her head defensively from the coming migraine, "is multimillionaire music producer and party mare, Vinyl Scratch, also known as DJ PON-3."
The crowd erupted into cheers and catcalls, as Vinyl Scratch smiled, adjusted her signature purple shades, and leaned back casually on her folding chair.
"Well," Trixie said, doing her best to ignore Twilight's pleas to get past security and cuddle with Star Swirl, "here's your question card, Star Swill or whatever. Ask your questions." Trixie immediately went back to throwing things at her Twilight poster, picking up a plastic fork.
"This is a question... to all three of you..." Star Swirl rasped. "How... old are you?"
Chrysalis crossed her hooves, reclining deep into her folding chair. "Oh, what, you gonna criticize me on my age now? Ponies, typical. Well, I'm over a thousand years old, live with it."
"I'm older than Chryssy, here," Celestia replied. Chrysalis snorted, angrily pushing farther back into her seat as Celestia smiled triumphantly at her.
"Twenty seven, baby!" Vinyl Scratch said, garnering several cheers and whoops.
"I choose... pony three!" Star Swirl choked out.
Trixie jerked, whipping her head around in disbelief as she dropped the kitten she was preparing to throw. "Wait, you can't just pick the youngest pony!"
"Forget it," Chrysalis said, bashing down the screen with a punch of her hoof. "No pony wants this, then no pony's gonna get this." Buzzing her wings, the changeling queen flew over the audience and threw open the doors, leaving the studio. Celestia teleported out right afterwards, leaving nothing to protect Vinyl Scratch from the raging hormones of a certain desiccated magician.
With the screen down, Star Swirl was in a clear line of sight with a very perplexed Vinyl Scratch. "Ahh, there you are, my pretty!" With a surprising amount of strength in a body several hundred years old, the wizened unicorn leaped out of his chair and ran towards Vinyl Scratch, hearts in his eyes.
"Ewww, get away from me you freak!" Vinyl yelled, pivoting around and bucking Star Swirl right in the face.
Despite the energy he could display once he had a sufficient boner, Star Swirl was still extremely old, and his delicate and brittle bones were unable to stand up to wet tissue paper, let alone a mare's hind legs. Body parts were flung everywhere as Star Swirl exploded, coating part of the stage with random entrails and isopropyl alcohol being used as a substitute for blood for the old unicorn.
"Two dead bodies," Trixie mentioned off-handedly, having returned to her sharp-object-throwing game after Star Swirl blew up. "Neither of which I liked. Yet, I didn't need to touch a hair on their mane. Trixie is on a roll."
"Schmoopy-doo! " With enough force to destroy an entire kitchen, Twilight Sparkle blew the two guards holding her into the wall with a magic blast, before leaping onstage and desperately sifting through Star Swirl's dismembered body parts. "No, please, Star Swirl, come back!" Tears leaking down her face, Twilight flopped to the ground and began rolling around in what was left of the ancient wizard.
Upon the urging of the security guards, everypony in the audience reluctantly agreed the show was over, and that what Twilight Sparkle was doing was very uncomfortable to watch, and so began filing out as Trixie lazily packed up her Twilight poster and left.
Twilight stayed there, slathering Star Swirl the Bearded's organs on herself and crying her eyes out, until a few hours later when her brother, having gone back to bring her home, finally agreed to place what remained of Star Swirl in Ziploc bags and donate them to the Canterlot Museum of History.
The Dating Game... in Equestria!
A different theme song composed by a musician that was actually half-decent boomed out of the new secondhand speakers as Trixie morosely dragged herself onstage. The audience, in a different studio with much larger seating capacity, cheered wildly, several throwing the bricks they were holding up high and trying to catch them after they came down. More than a few conked other audience members on the head, and paramedic teams with the game show's logo on their little hats quickly darted through the aisles to place the unconscious bodies on stretchers and run them out the studio doors.
Trixie, her garish yellow vest replaced with a similar-looking outfit that was decked in far more bells and whistles yet still retained all of the old costume's itchiness, seemed to pay no attention to the roaring crowd, hanging her head dejectedly as the audience slowly quieted to a dull murmur. Trixie raised her head, showing the tears forming in her eyes.
"The staff have informed me over the past week, that, due to... certain events that occurred in the last taping..." Trixie stopped and put a hoof to her chest, small sobs wracking her frame as she composed herself. "The ratings of... 'The Dating Game in Equestria'... have gone through the roof."
The crowd cheered, a few more bricks were thrown into the air in celebration, and another couple of audience members were carted out the doors before Trixie again had enough silence to speak audibly.
"They have informed me... that, due to these ratings... 'The Dating Game in Equestria' will not be cancelled in the foreseeable future."
The crowd again cheered in approval as Trixie's hooves gave out from under her and she slumped into a heap onstage.
After the crowd calmed and Trixie remained motionless where she lay for half a minute, one of the show's technicians came from backstage and began prodding at Trixie with the tip of the boom mike he was holding. Trixie waved him away after a couple of pokes, and slowly got back on her hooves.
"Now, to follow up with more terrible news... Due to this newfound attention, certain groups have been pressuring 'The Dating Game in Equestria.'" A hint of snide irritation was worming its way back into Trixie's voice, although she was still fighting through a thick curtain of deep breaths and small sobs. "These... groups... have derided the show as being 'unfair to equal marriage' and 'narrow-minded in scope.' Thus, the game's producers have seen fit to hold a special episode of 'The Dating Game in Equestria,' featuring..." Trixie sighed. "Same-sex couples."
The audience erupted into wild conversations as they discussed the matter among themselves. Some ponies voiced concerns that throwing bricks at gay ponies, even if those ponies were jerks, would be seen as discrimination toward marginalized groups. If, say, Sombra turned out to be gay, the resulting guilt after beaning him with a brick would be unbearable, even if he did enslave an entire population for his own greedy and megalomaniacal purposes! A couple of the more savvy members hoped dearly that none of the future threats to Equestria were ever gay. Should it come to that, it would be a tough, nation-changing decision of either defending their homeland and children or harming a gay villain. The few that whooped and threw their bricks up in celebration at the opportunity to throw bricks at gay ponies were promptly assaulted with the bricks from other audience members before they could get the first syllable out of "Celestia hates fillyfoolers," and more paramedics carted them out of the studio.
Celestia herself didn't even seem to notice what was going on around her, thoroughly engrossed in the game of four-dimensional tic-tac-toe she was playing with Discord in the front row.
Despite having freshly wet lines running down her face, Trixie still only had patience for perhaps thirteen seconds of nonsense a day, and her quota had long been filled before she'd even finished breakfast. Trixie activated her magic to sound out a whip's crack, and the audience immediately quieted. "Despite this terrible loss to political correctness which we all feel, Trixie must tell you that we have a sophisticated voice system and screen in place to ensure that the pony asking the questions does not know whom he or she is talking to. Let's just get this farce over with so I can return to wallowing in my own pain."
Trixie walked over to a struggling Rainbow Dash bound by ropes to a chair. "Rainbow Dash, are you ready?"
"Hey, let me outta here!" The pegasus replied, rocking the chair back and forth. "Why do I have to be the one here, anyway?"
"Polls indicated you were most popularly regarded as a homosexual out of all the mane six, so you get the privilege of being the pony to ask the questions," Trixie said, her tone now containing more of its typical smug streak. "And Trixie will have you know that your friends also encouraged the studio to put you on today. Trixie believes they said something about not being afraid to come out of the closet?"
Rainbow Dash's eyes widened, and she yanked at her bindings with newfound vigor. Trixie normally didn't enjoy lying in situations where she knew she'd get found out eventually, but she needed every little consolation she could get in the face of her hopes of the show's cancellation being crushed. "And here in chair one, we have… yet another kid." An orange filly stared eagerly up at Trixie, grinning madly. "Trixie needs to talk to a few ponies, she thinks."
The filly giggled. Trixie sighed, and moved on. "In the second chair, we have a Ms. Pinkie Pie. …Again."
"Hi, Trixie! I had so much fun with Soarin' the first time, that I really wanted to come back, but they said I couldn't be on the show twice, so I asked them really nicely and they said that I could be a pony answering the questions and so I said 'YES' and they were all like-"
"Aaaaaand in the third chair," Trixie interrupted, turning to the final seat, "we have some pony named 'Moondancer.'" As the crowd gave its usual applause, Trixie leaned in to the unicorn and whispered, "Who are you again...?"
"I'm doing my best to learn what friendship really is," Moondancer replied. "Some... recent experiences have taught me that the world is quite a lot bigger than what I've experienced, so I'm doing research to find the truth."
Trixie facehoofed. "So you came on a dating show?"
Moondancer shuffled in her seat. "Okay, I'll admit that 90% of it is to score. Reading through sexual anatomy textbooks with prospective dates doesn't work out too well as subject matter for some reason, so it's been a while. But the other ten percent is nothing but science. I swear!"
Trixie shook her head before walking back over to Rainbow Dash, who at the moment was trying to bite through the ropes holding her. "Here's your question card. Ask only questions that are on this card, in any order. If you're confused about anything, please don't ask me." With that, Trixie pulled over a stand, propped up the question card on it, stalked over to the side of the stage, and plopped down with a furrowed brow as she started massaging the sides of her head with her hooves.
Unable to free herself, the trussed-up pegasus groaned and looked at the card. "Fine, whatever gets me out of here the fastest. Pony one, what song would you pick to serenade me with?"
"Ooh, ooh!" The filly jumped down, buzzing her tiny wings. She began singing the lyrics to a power ballad a cappella, forcing everypony in the room to cover his or her ears in pain. Rainbow Dash, tied up as she was, could not plug her ears, and so had to sit through the torture.
After several seconds of unbearable sour notes, Trixie, using a silence spell, placed a soundproof bubble around the pegasus filly. A few of the paramedics who were fast enough to put in earplugs combed the aisles and picked up a few ponies enduring seizures and frothing at the mouth, escorting them outside for fresh air.
Rainbow Dash wheezed, sweat pouring down her face as she recovered from the impromptu song. "Okay… pony two… what would you write in a love letter?"
"Oh!" Pinkie Pie said. "Well, I'd first write your name, then how you make me feel real happy, and then I'd compare you to all the nice things in life, like ice cream and cake and friendship and early morning cartoons and baking and parties and turnips and chocolate and balloons and banana-flavored candy but not actual bananas and-"
"Alright already!" Trixie shouted. "We get it!"
Rainbow Dash strongly suspected that Pinkie Pie was in chair number two, and reserved that spot for an option to pick if none of the other choices were more interesting. "Pony three, are you easily offended?"
"Well, aside from perfectly justified anger, I'm not that quick to fly off the handle," Moondancer said. "That said, I do take immediate issue with those who act like CDO is trivial."
"What's CDO?" Rainbow Dash asked.
"It's OCD, except the letters are in alphabetical order. As they should be." Moondancer sniffed, pushing her glasses up her nose.
Against her better judgment, Trixie couldn't help but ask, "Doesn't that defeat the point of calling it 'OCD' if the rearranged letters don't even stand for anything?"
"Shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up!" Moondancer yelled, clamping her hooves over her ears. "Can't hear you over the sound of you being wrong! Caaaan't heeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaar yooooooooouuuuuuuuuuu! You're meeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaan! "
Moondancer proceeded to throw a tantrum, followed by crying into her chair until she was brought a glass of warm milk and cookies by a tech pony. She eventually calmed down, but she had to take a couple of minutes to stop her hiccups. Rainbow quite nearly sarcastically asked her if she was done yet, but decided not to risk a second meltdown. "Pony one, tell me about yourself in three words."
The filly tried to answer, but the soundproof bubble around her was still active. Trixie sighed, and several audience members clutched their ears in a precautionary measure as the shield dissolved.
"What was that?" Rainbow Dash asked.
"Rainbow Dash fan!" The orange pegasus leapt into the air, her wings buzzing furiously as she floated slowly down. "I'm gonna grow up to be just like you one day!"
The object of her reverence smiled at the filly's words. "Well, I am pretty awesome." Looking at the card again, Rainbow's face contorted in disgust. "Pony two, top or bottom?"
The audience gasped. Pinkie adopted an unreadable expression. Rainbow Dash bit her lip, afraid that she'd asked the wrong question.
"I'd pick the middle, because that's where all the fun is!"
Rainbow didn't quite know how to interpret that. "Okay… Pony three, do you rise with the sun, or are you awake with the moon?"
"Easy," Moondancer said, "I'm a night pony. See, for some reason there are these outmoded social taboos against reading about advanced cultural sex positions in public even if it's purely for academic and scholastic interests, so there's really little choice when I'm at the library."
Rainbow Dash cocked an eyebrow. "Cultural sex positions. Really?"
"Hey," Moondancer replied, "when you're trapped by a jealous Griffon in the Scissorwing Sex Position and screaming for help, what other fillyfriend would know how to extricate you without your head being decapitated? I challenge you to find anypony else as knowledgeable as I!"
The audience laughed as Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. "Okay then, if I ever make plans to cross jealous griffons that want to sexually decapitate me, I'll keep you in mind. Pony one, what do you value most in your romantic relationships?"
The pegasus filly flinched, eyes darting around. "Umm... Well, I-I guess I could do kissing, if, you know, you thought it was cool..."
Rainbow Dash scoffed. "Well, considering this is apparently same-sex couple edition, then yeah, kissing is kind of part of the package here."
"But that's gay!" Scootaloo blurted out. The crowd exploded into laughter and several "duh!"s as Scootaloo looked around for what was so funny and Rainbow Dash groaned, the ropes tying her down preventing her from facehoofing.
"Okay, okay," Rainbow Dash said, irritated. "Pony two, what are your favorite foods?"
Pinkie Pie inhaled in a squeaky gasp. "OH, EM, GEE! I eat ice cream and cake and toaster strudels and caramel apples and Skrillex and cupcakes and chocolate milk and regular old chocolate and grilled cheeses and banana-flavored candy but not actual bananas and sugar, sugar, so much sugar! " Pinkie Pie squealed in delight, hugging herself and slurping up air with her tongue.
Rainbow Dash grimaced. Definitely Pinkie Pie. "Okay, pony three, uh, 'get revenge on Twilight Sparkle for-' wait, this isn't a question!"
Trixie zipped over to Rainbow, snatching the card away from her sight and laughing nervously. "Oh, that's nothing!" Trixie levitated over a marker, scratching frantically over the card. "Nothing at all! Okay, Rainbow Dash! Time to pick your pony!"
The cyan pegasus looked at Trixie with a mixed degree of suspicion. "I pick pony two."
"Okay!" Trixie responded, levitating the card behind her to where she was also magically holding a burning match. "Let's see who you rejected!" Scootaloo trudged out from behind the screen, head drooping. "You rejected Scootaloo Hopkins of Ponyville!"
"Rainbow Dash…" the filly mumbled, before looking up at her idol with tears in her eyes. "I thought you liked me."
"I-I do, Scoots!" Rainbow stuttered. "It's just that-"
Scootaloo had already gone tearing out of the studio, bawling all the way.
"And on that uplifting note," Trixie said, "you also rejected Moondancer of Canterlot."
Moondancer came around, nodding to Rainbow and giving a farewell of, "Could have experienced the thestral moon harvest mating rituals..." before she cantered out the doors.
"And so, Rainbow Dash, you picked-"
"Pinkie Pie, I know," Rainbow Dash completed. "Can you not be so dramatic about it?"
Trixie huffed. "Fine, you see what it's like having to do this for money."
Rainbow opened her mouth to reply, but got a cupcake shoved into her face instead. "Here, Dashie!" Pinkie said, removing her hoof from Rainbow's face with a loud pop. We're going to have so much fun together!"
"Yeah," Rainbow mumbled through creamy frosting and sprinkles. "Tho musch fun."
"Okay you two," Trixie said, holding up three envelopes, "pick your vacation spot. And the earth pony can't choose."
Pinkie whined, making a sad face, but Trixie grunted and shoved the envelopes towards Rainbow Dash. The pegasus looked at Pinkie Pie and extended a hoof towards the leftmost envelope. Pinkie Pie shook her head. Rainbow Dash moved her hoof to the rightmost envelope. Pinkie Pie nodded so fast her head became a blur.
"I think I'll choose this one," Rainbow Dash said, indicating the rightmost envelope. Trixie scowled at Pinkie Pie, before giving them the one that they asked for.
"Looks like you've won a trip to Canterlot," Trixie said in a voice dripping with indifference. "I'm sure absolutely nopony expected this."
"Yay, Canterlot!" Pinkie Pie shouted.
The two friends walked offstage, and Trixie addressed the audience. "That's all for this half of 'The Dating Game in Equestria.' Tune in after the break for the male round."
The new-but-still-generic theme music played again to the crowd's applause, and Trixie rushed offstage to get plenty of alcohol into her system before the next half. Aspirin just wouldn't cut it any more.
"Welcome back to 'The Dating Game in Equestria," Trixie slurred, rocking back and forth on unsteady hooves. "Now we're going to get the males to do some stuff or other… let's see… oh yeah, there's a male picking from three other males… Whatever. Let's go see what's… um…" Trixie teetered on the brink of falling over. A splash of drool fell out of her mouth.
Languidly shaking her head, Trixie stumbled towards the stallion sitting in the chair, an eager grin on his face. "And for our pony of the hour, it's… Braeburn."
"Howdy, everypony!" the earth pony shouted. "Welcome to A-pple-loosa!"
At his voice, the entire audience squeed, and several rushed from their seats to tackle the irresistible stallion, more following suit moments later. The screen crashed down as the three males behind it leapt into the action. All of the ponies soon buried Braeburn in what could only be described as a spoon-hugging, cuddling, screaming, massive, witless orgy, males and females alike grabbing at the pony in the middle of it all and senselessly beating at each other to hold him alone.
Trixie, being as hammered as she was, simply fell down on her behind and watched the pile of pushy, promiscuous ponies grow bigger and bigger before shrugging and walking offstage. "Not my problem, now I can take a little nap."
With even the crewmembers having darted out to join the herd, Trixie was unopposed as she slammed open her dressing room door and flopped onto the small bed inside. Before passing out, the depressed drunken unicorn made one final declaration:
"Political correctness can shove it."
The Dating Game... in Equestria!
Smiley Faces and Expressions of Disgust
As the generic theme music came to life within the speakers' innards and the studio audience applauded, Trixie limped to the front of the stage, a too-wide smile on her face.
"Hi, everypony!" Trixie squeaked through her teeth. "Welcome to 'The Dating Game in Equestria'! I'm your host, Trixie! I'm very happy today, because our Princess Celestia wants me to be happy! Don't you want to be happy, too?" Trixie took the opportunity to thump her right foreleg on the floor, drawing attention to the cast it was in. "That's right! Be happy!" Hopefully that'll get the fillies scared tonight. At least I can give the audience a little doubt about their do-no-wrong princess with this cast on my leg.
Trixie shuffled over to the folding chair holding a nervous-looking mare. "And here we have our pony of the hour, Ms. Cloudchaser of Ponyville! Say hi, Cloudchaser!"
The pegasus recoiled away from Trixie's forced grin, almost toppling her chair. "U-Um, h-hi."
"Be happy! " Trixie screamed at her.
Cloudchaser revealed her teeth as she smiled fearfully back.
"Good!" Trixie said. The unicorn had to suppress a chuckle at Cloudchaser's terrified countenance, or it would have ruined the effect. Cantering over to the screen—an action that looked more like a shuffle with her cast on—Trixie stopped and faced the audience. "Now, there is a sophisticated voice-changer and a not-so-sophisticated wall in place, so that Ms. Cloudchaser here doesn't know which ponies are which! Let's play, because we're good ponies who do what we're told! Isn't that right?!" Satisfied with the crowd's silent horror, Trixie whirled around, making sure to twitch her eye before doing so. "And in our first chair, we have…" Trixie's grin quickly fell. "…A sheriff. Yeah, figures."
Sheriff Silverstar snorted. "Now, missy, you go apologize to everypony, especially that fine young mare over there right now. I know you're havin' your fun, but it ain't right to scare somepony doin' it like that."
Trixie backed up, surprised that this pony knew that she was just trying to scare everypony. "And how do you know Trixie was just pretending?"
The sheriff regarded her with a stern look. "That just about tells me right there, don't it?"
Trixie sighed. "Fine. Trixie is sorry, everypony."
"Sorry for what?" Silverstar egged on.
"Sorry that you're such a mule," Trixie said, expecting some sort of laughter. Hearing none, the hostess turned around to see that the entire audience was glaring at her.
Trixie sighed. "Fine, Trixie's sorry for scaring everypony by trying to make it sound like Celestia is a tyrant who breaks dissenters by painting smiley faces on their souls." Trixie gave a wide grin to Sheriff Silverstar. "Happy?"
The stallion grunted.
Trixie rolled her eyes before walking over to the second chair, stumbling a few times in the process. "And in chair number two, we have… yeah, we have a Thunderlane from Ponyville. Say hi, or whatever."
"Hi, everypony." The black-coated pegasus waved. "I'm here because-"
"Yeah, you know what, nopony cares," Trixie interrupted.
Thunderlane swiveled his head to look at Trixie indignantly. "Hey, I'm trying to convince my fillyfriend over there that we really are supposed to be together!"
"And in chair number three," Trixie continued, ignoring him, "we have what looks to be a very muscular pegasus."
"YEEEEEAAAAH! " Big McLargehooves shouted.
"Now then, Cloudchaser," Trixie said, limping back over, "here's your question card. Ask only questions that are on that card. After several questions to each pony, Trixie will stop you, and you'll have to pick one of them. Sound fair? Sounds fair. Go." Trixie stomped over to the corner of the stage, where she plopped down and waited for the shenanigans to ensue.
"Okay, pony one," Cloudchaser began, scanning the questions with a distasteful expression. "I don't like most of these… whatever, pony one, how fast are you in a relationship?"
"Doin' such a thing too fast is a disgrace to my profession," Sheriff Silverstar asserted. "I'll be havin' no such thoughts before we know each other real well."
"Oh," Cloudchaser replied. Okay, so you're an uptight guy. Not likely to throw around "sex" all the time, at least, unlike my coltfriend. "Pony two, if I was angry at you, what kind of gifts would you give me?"
"I'd give you everything I could," Thunderlane said, thinking of the kinds of presents that mares like. "Chocolates, flowers, stuffed animals, heart-shaped balloons, um, you know, fancy rings…"
Cloudchaser gagged. "Yuck. That sounds like the tacky stuff my coltfriend gives me."
Thunderlane blushed as the audience laughed.
"Pony three," the pegasus mare said, sticking her tongue out at the question card in front of her. "Do you like bondage, roleplay, or other such bedtime activities?"
The huge white stallion looked like he didn't want to say anything, but nonetheless still blurted out a "YEEEEEAAAAH! "
"Ew!" Many audience members shared Cloudchaser's sentiment. "That's gross!"
"YEEEEEAAAAH! " the stallion shouted out again, only to receive more offended outcries.
"Ugh, I know I'm not picking you," Cloudchaser muttered. "Pony one, what kind of dances would you take me to?"
"Well, I can have fun with either Wild West or Mild West," Silverstar said, "but to be honest I'd dance to whatever you have in mind. If you're the one I'm takin' out, it's only fair that you pick the dance, right?"
Cloudchaser smiled. "Yeah, that sounds about right." Her smile quickly faded after she glanced back down at the card, making an expression of disgust. "Pony two, what's your best pickup line?"
Thunderlane quivered before taking a deep breath and slicking back his mane with a hoof. "Well baby," the pegasus said, making his voice deep, "if I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?"
"Yes, I would," Cloudchaser replied. A few chuckles escaped from the audience. "That's so cliché."
Thunderlane whimpered. "I just want to be loved… is that so wrong?"
"Pony three," Cloudchaser said. "What song best describes your attitude towards females?"
Now the gigantic stallion really looked like he didn't want to answer, but nonetheless he still belted out a "YEEEEEAAAAH! "
Cloudchaser recoiled away. "You mean that song by Usher?! Disgusting! "
Boos filled the air as crowd members heckled Big McLargehooves's choice. The pegasus hunkered down, looking like a massive, fleshy blob of white as he scrunched into the chair in shame.
"Ugh, whatever," Cloudchaser said, her mouth hanging slightly open from her false choking. "Pony one, what would you describe as a 'perfect date'?"
"Well," the sheriff said, "it'd have to be somethin' we could both agree to; other than that, I'd let you take things from there. I mean, I'm a gentlecolt. The point is for you to have fun, and as long as you're happy, I reckon I'd be happy too."
Cloudchaser's face lit up. "Aw, that's so sweet!"
Sheriff Silverstar took his hat off and hid his face from the audience. "Aw, shucks… you're makin' me blush."
Cloudchaser giggled, before looking back at the card. "Pony two, um, who do you think should pay the bill for our first dinner date?"
Thunderlane snapped to attention. "Obviously, the bill should be split! That's only fair, after all."
Cloudchaser scoffed. "Obviously, the stallion always pays on the first date. Don't you know anything about dating etiquette?"
Thunderlane's ears drooped as the audience began laughing. "Well, um, I try…"
"You're not trying hard enough, then," Cloudchaser lectured. "Come back when you actually know these things." The mare shook her head. "Pony three, which do you think is most important: having a great sense of humor, having an intelligent conversation, being active and staying healthy, or being passionate about life?"
Another "YEEEEEAAAAH! " echoed through the room.
"Say something other than 'yeah,'" Cloudchaser said, a look of annoyance on her face.
Sweat began running down Big McLargehooves's face as he began huffing. Grunting noises issued from the stallion's throat as his chest heaved. "Y…y…yyyyyyyyyyyy…"
"Pony three? Hurry up!"
Big's eyes darted around wildly. His buzz cut mane began fraying, and the sweat pouring down his body got even more intense. "Yyyyyyyyyyy… Y-Y…"
"Okay," Trixie interrupted, "Trixie thinks that you need to pick a pony before one of our contestants explodes." A sigh of relief came from the buff pegasus.
"Can you really do that?" Cloudchaser asked with a raised eyebrow. "Just, explode? For no reason?"
"You'd be surprised," Trixie deadpanned. "Now come on, pick already, you're wasting Trixie's time."
Cloudchaser mumbled mocking words under her breath, before shouting out "Pony one!"
"Okay, great, fantastic. Woohoo." Trixie thumped over to the screen. "Let's see who you rejected. First off, we have Thunderlane from Ponyville."
The pegasus came out from behind the screen with tears in his eyes. "I thought that we were going to be together forever, Cloudchaser! But you… you…" Thunderlane didn't finish, running out of the studio with teardrops trailing behind him.
Trixie snorted at him. "Anyway, you also rejected Big McLargehooves, also of Ponyville."
The bulky pegasus carried himself with a surprising amount of dignity as he stepped out from behind the screen. He began to walk off, only to be stopped by a hoof.
"Hey," Cloudchaser said, fluttering next to him. "No hard feelings, Big."
"Yeah," the stallion said, before exiting the studio.
"And that just leaves…" Trixie waited for the snare drumroll for a few seconds. After only hearing a cough from somepony in the first few rows, Trixie sighed. "Speakers must be broken… whatever, you chose Sheriff Silverstar of Appleloosa. Whee."
The screen rose, and the sheriff stepped out. "Howdy, miss."
Cloudchaser landed next to him. "Hi!"
"Now you've got to pick your trip location, so pick one," Trixie said.
At a bow from the sheriff, Cloudchaser motioned towards the rightmost envelope. Levitating it up, Trixie opened it with all the finesse of a trained magician who was far too bored with the whole deal to bother with any grace whatsoever. Reading from the half-crumpled card, Trixie smirked; the pair had gotten the booby prize. "Looks like you two will be having your vacation in the San Palomino desert. Lucky you."
Cloudchaser and Silverstar's faces fell. The two looked at each other with a mixture of disbelief and resignation.
"Come on, you two, off the stage," Trixie urged, shoving them off with a push of magic. "Trixie needs some alone time." Turning back around, Trixie shook her head back and forth while staring at the audience and saying, "come back after the break to have some more fun with us here at 'The Dating Game in Equestria'!" Trixie dashed offstage as the lights dimmed. No music played from the speakers, and after a few seconds a technician pony came out and started fiddling with the equipment.
The stage lights clicked on as Trixie sauntered onstage, an action hindered considerably with the cast on her foreleg. The crowd began awkwardly clapping to silence before the generic theme music boomed out of the speakers, deafening almost everypony in assembly. Screams shot out from amongst the ponies for a few mind-numbingly loud seconds before the music's volume lowered to a more reasonable level, and Trixie cautiously raised herself off from where she was cowering on the floor.
The unicorn hostess muttered to herself about getting better speakers for the show, and maybe less generic theme music as well, before speaking up, addressing the audience: "Hello, and welcome back to the second half of 'The Dating Game in Equestria.' This time, we have a stallion asking three mares questions. Let's get this over with."
Trixie walked over to the apple-red stallion sitting in the stallion's seat. "Okay then, introduce yourself. And by 'introduce yourself,' I don't mean a life's story."
The stallion shrugged. "Name's Big Macintosh."
After a few seconds, Trixie stopped blinking in shock. "Wow, you actually listened to me. Nopony ever does that."
Another shrug.
"Well, let's meet the female contestants this time around. First we have… a zebra. Yeah, because that makes sense."
"What?" Zecora asked. "Are you saying a zebra can't date? Unlike you, at least I'm actually straight."
"Ooh"s and "burn"s came from the audience as Trixie snarled in anger. "Trixie is perfectly heterosexual, thank you very much."
"Tell yourself whatever you want to believe," Zecora scoffed, "but you should lose the getup if you are trying to deceive."
Trixie flushed as she looked down at her hideous yellow jacket. "It's not mine, it's the producers' stupid idea. And I'm not a lesbian!"
"Of course you're not gay, and this is a toupee." Zecora slung her Mohawk around, to the audience's cheers and laughs.
Trixie could feel steam coming out of her nostrils, but she took the moral highroad and decided that she'd get back at the zebra after she taught Twilight Sparkle a lesson. "For pony two, we have- wait, aren't you his sister?!"
Applejack huffed, crossing her forelegs as she sat on the chair. "You're durn right I am!"
"Wh-what the hay? What the hay? " Trixie spluttered.
"Well, what if some creep got here instead of me?" Applejack argued. "I ain't gonna let some weirdo go on a date with my brother!"
Trixie facehoofed so hard she nearly knocked herself over. "Okay then, Apple-whatever-your-name-is. Moving on, we have Princess Cadance." Trixie looked up at the princess, a bored expression on her face. "Sorry if I'm not really reacting to this, it's just that honestly, I've dealt with enough of this that I'm not going to even bother any more."
Princess Cadance regarded the unicorn with a degree of curiosity. "You're not asking me why I'm here when I'm married to Shining Armor already?"
"Go ahead, be Trixie's guest," Trixie said, walking back over to Big Macintosh.
"Well," the princess began, "after our honeymoon, I got to thinking, since I'm immortal, then what's going to happen after Shining Armor is dead? So I decided that I'd try to get used to shopping around for males; you know, browse the selection, and learn how to get all the good ones? I just want to keep my options open."
"Disgusting," Trixie commented. "Anyway, here are your questions, Big, or Mac, or whatever, just ask them and I'll tell you when you can shut your trap." Trixie parked her hiney off in the background, and pulled out a small videogame system. A series of beeps and clicks sounded as Trixie began playing Killer Instinct.
"Pony one," Big Macintosh said, his voice gruff from its relative lack of use. "If you could hear what somepony's thinkin' for the day, who and why?"
"That's something I don't need to experiment for," Zecora answered. "You see, I've done it once before. A friend of mine was feeling sick way back when, and she asked me to make her well again. I used an herbal batch to read her tired mind, and you would not believe the stuff that I did find." Zecora shook her head. "Oh, bricks were shat, you can believe that."
Big Macintosh did not react physically, but his eyes betrayed his wish to un-hear those words. "Pony two, if you could commit any crime and get away with it, what would it be?"
Applejack gulped, not only wanting to avoid telling her brother of any crimes she might actually want to commit, but also wanting to avoid lying. "Well, I reckon I'd… um…" She glanced around, panicking. A cheesy-looking bobsled drawing was hanging up on the wall, as a part of the shoddy "holiday-season decorations" that really only meant lost-and-found items that were festive by the smallest measure glued to the walls. "Sleigh…" Applejack caught sight of one of the audience members wearing a rosy-colored cardigan. "Pink…" A unicorn was punching away at a typewriter in the front row, disdain clear on his face. The unicorn muttered under his breath as a key got stuck. "Key…" Another audience member, terribly bored of the show, was finishing a packed lunch, devouring the last bit of a cherry pie. "Pie. Yeah, slay Pinkie Pie!" Applejack's hooves clapped to her mouth too late, as she had already blurted out her poorly constructed statement.
"An understandable thirst," Zecora added, looking over at the earth pony, "but I wanted to do it first."
Applejack grabbed the underside of her chair and began hopping away from Zecora as quietly as possible.
"Pony three," Big Macintosh said, licking his lips. "If you could be a Princess for a day, what would you do?"
"Oh, but being a princess is awful! " Cadance screeched. "You're constantly the subject of endless bows, you have to deal with all of the responsibilities that come with having an entire country to look after, not to mention juggling Shining around all that, and on top of it all there is constant demand to attend parties and fashion shows and auctions for charity and it's just endless! " Princess Cadance gasped a few breaths before composing herself. "Although I suppose I do enjoy being able to go to the royal kitchen and eat all of the chocolate ice cream out of the Neapolitan, leaving only the vanilla and strawberry."
"You monster!" somepony from the crowd shouted.
"Hey," the princess yelled back, "it's executive privilege!"
"Pony one," Big Macintosh interrupted. "What languages do you speak?"
Zecora smiled, and said: "Haijalishi wewe ni nani, pundamilia ni bora kuliko wewe."
"Ooh, that sounds so mystical!" Princess Cadance gushed.
Big Macintosh didn't know what the zebra had said, but felt that he agreed with the foreign statement. "Pony two, what's your biggest regret?"
"Well, there's always the times when I forget myself for a while," Applejack said, "but I suppose my biggest regret was eatin' a pear. I'll never forgive myself for that."
"Pony three," Big Macintosh said, blinking, "what's your favorite season?"
"Oh, I like the summer," Princess Cadance answered. "'Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?' It's just so romantic. Did you know that June is the most popular month for marriages? Being able to smell the sweet, crisp summer nights while sitting on a porch of some kind, gazing at all the fireflies twinkling in the air…"
Applejack glanced at Princess Cadance, then back at Big Macintosh. The stallion was smiling, staring wide-eyed at the screen shielding the princess from view.
"…and then we could enjoy a cup of piping hot cocoa while we stargaze, or maybe tell each other what we did that day. It's not really much, but I like to think that not much makes the best of things."
"Eeyup," Big Macintosh agreed. Before he could look back down at his card, however, a crash sounded as Applejack kicked down the screen.
"How could you, Big Mac?! Fallin' for such a sappy scheme as that!"
Big Macintosh stiffened at the sight of his sister. "Uh, nope, sorry, I don't know what you're talkin' about…"
"You know right well what I'm talkin' 'bout!" Applejack shouted, burying her forehead into Big Macintosh's skull. Her eyes tore at Big Mac's in a frenzied blaze of green. "You're not gonna get with somepony just 'cause she's sayin' sweet nothin's! No brother of mine is gonna be easy, not with me here!"
Princess Cadance gulped, and quickly teleported outside to protect herself from possible Apple family retribution.
Big Macintosh was never one to argue, so instead he just jumped out of his seat, galloping for the exit.
Applejack whipped around. "Oh no you don't!" Her flying tackle brought the stallion to the ground, where the siblings began exchanging blows.
Trixie bothered to look up from her video game to notice the brawl. "Well, it looks like Trixie's done here." The unicorn got up and walked over to the melee, smirking as the two fell offstage and into the audience, where several ponies were pulled into the fight.
"I would say it's Applejack's time of the month…" Zecora began, crossing over to where Trixie was standing, "…except that there is no word that rhymes with month."
Trixie turned to face Zecora with a scowl. "Get-Get out of here!" A few swats and smacks later, and the zebra left the studio, although not without giving a flick of her hoof under her chin to the hostess.
Grumbling, Trixie sulked offstage, while security guards desperately worked to pull the fighting ponies apart.
