The Drunken Escapades of Pixel

"Wake up!" Yelled someone, followed by a splash of cold water over my face.

Now most people would probably snap awake, spit and sputter for a bit, then freak out a bit. Now, being who I am, and going through most of the shit I have up too this point, my reaction is the following.

"Fuck you, I'm asleep."  I mumbled out, and rolled over, down onto the floor. If you think you can get me to do anything after a night of drinking, you're a fucking nut.

"I said get up!" This time she lightly kicked me. I also now know that its a female.

"And I said fuck you!"

"You arrogant piece of... Fine. We'll do this the hard way."

I felt something grab a hold of my tail, then let go, followed by a whole bunch of spitting and cussing. I giggled.

"Dear Celestia, when was the last time you bathed?"

"What day is it?" I mumbled.

"Friday."

"Monday.... two weeks ago."

"That's disgusting!"

"I spend most of my time underground, alone, It's not a priority." I mumble while bringing myself to a sitting position. I can tell this girl isn't going away any time soon, and I just ain't in the mood for games. "So why in the hell are you... Da fuck? Where am I?"

Looking around, I see that I sure as hell ain't inside my house. I mean, its clean for one. Also my house is made out of brick, not marble. I'm not gonna bore you with the small details, but it is a nice room. Bringing my attention away from the room, I focus on the pony in front of me. Golden armor, white fur, blue eyes, looks permanently pissed off. Yep. Royal guard. Sexy female royal guard, but still. Is it weird if I wouldn't mind that she shoved a night stick up my ass? Probably, but not the main issue here.

"You, are in Canterlot Castle, as a guest of the princesses. Why, I don't know. From what I've heard, you beat up an entire detachment of guards, while drunk." Fuck me with a cactus covered in ghost peppers. "In fact, you were so drunk, when you arrived you were suffering from alcohol poisoning. Rumor is, your blood alcohol level was so high, the princesses had to do the removal spell to rid your system of the alcohol." She finished with a smile.

Well, at least someone is happy about my situation.

"I need a drink..."

"Maybe later, right now, the princesses would like a word with you."

"That sounds like fun with a capital 'F'." I comment dryly.

I stood up and started to stretch. I stuck out my front hooves then started to stretch out my wingsFUCKINGHELLTHAT HURTS! I held back my scream, and turned it into a loud grunt. I turned my head, blinking back tears, to see one of my wings in a cast. My next sentence conveys my thoughts.

"WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO MY WING!?"

"Oh, you came in with it broken. One of the guards you fought broke it."

"I'LL MURDER HIM!"

"I think the beat down you gave them will have to suffice. Now come on, the princesses are waiting."

I grumbled a bit, but followed non the less. The guard lead me out of the luxurious room, and into a luxurious hallway. I'm sensing a theme already. We walked down the hall for a bit, then took a left down some random ass stairs. Seriously, the way these stairs just popped out when you turned the corner, that's an accident waiting to happen. I had to resist the urge to try and open my wings and glide down. I'm gonna punch the bastard who broke my wing, once I find him. At the bottom of the stairs, we turned right and entered, I never would have guessed, another luxurious hallway. Fucking Christ, did they just build this place with gold and shiny shit? I mean, who the fuck builds an entire castle that looks this shiny? Apparently, my displeasure at the place was showing. The guardsmare slowed down to where we were walking side by side.

"Something wrong?"

"The way this place is built isn't practical. One explosion, and the entire floor above us would fall down."

"Well," She chuckled. "Seeing as Equestria hasn't been to war, or had an extended conflict for over a thousand years, I think the castles' fine."

"I guess..." I was then hit by a sudden, very important detail that I'd over looked. "I'm an idiot."

"Hmm?"

"I've been a down right ass to you, and I haven't even asked your name."

"Oh! Ha! I grew up in a house with three brothers. I'm used to that. So no worries. As for my name..."

She paused and looked to the ceiling in thought.

"You alright?" I asked concerned.

"Hmm... You know what?" She asked, looking over at me. "I'm going to make you earn learning my name."

"What?"

"I'm going to make you earn my name! Seeing as you kind of beat up my coworkers."

Mares... I think they should send out an all female memo that I don't play these games. I guess the good thing is, I know she's interested at least.

"If you don't tell me I'm gonna name you Thunder Cunt."

She tripped and face planted. I held in my laughter out of decency. I walk ahead a few paces and half turned to look back at her. She had righted herself, her helmet had fallen off and... and... damn. She's good lookin'. Her mane is a chestnut-ish color done up in a bun, so as to keep it under her helmet, I guess. Her coat is a dark blue, and her eyes are a nice magenta. Her expression and blush is just adorable. I'd look to see what her cutie mark was, seeing as I'm checking her out anyway, but her ass is covered by the armor.

Wait... wasn't her coat and eyes a different color a second ago?

...

Meh.

"A-are you serious!?"

"As a heart attack," I nod.

She 'eeped' at that.

"You are a horrible pony!"

"And?" I laugh out.

"You... UGH! Let's... just get to the throne room." She stood and grabbed her helmet.

She put it on her helmet, and her color changed back to that of a guard. Some might get confused, or ask questions, I just don't care enough to do either. She huffs past me.

"Come on."

"Sure thing, Thunder cunt."

She stumbles, but doesn't fall this time. Good for her. She looks back at me with the most pissed off look I have ever seen on a female, it makes me giggle to be honest. She growls, then stomps off down the hall. I follow her with the biggest shit eating grin I have ever worn.