Chapters Batmare and the foal wonder!
Chapter one: A cold wind blows.
“Muahahahahahaaaaa…” The unusually high voice almost seemed to be giggling. “You’re about to get…. ICED !”
At this terrible pun, the Pegasus burst into fits of uncontrollable laughter, causing puffs of supercooled air to fall out of the fishbowl he had placed on his head.
After unleashing a primal scream, the mare he was threatening stopped for a moment. “That was such an awful joke, please take what you want, just don’t tell another one!”
“Aww, such a cold reception for Mr. Cool! Why not give me a chance, perhaps you’ll warm up to my-“
“Please just shut up!”
“Well, if that’s how you’re going to be, it looks like I have no choice! I’ll give you a blast of my ultra-cold Nitrous-oxide!”
“You’re thinking of liquid Nitrogen, I think…” the mare corrected.
“Don’t you tell me what to breathe! I know what I’m talking about!” He waved a hoof along the hose that led from his ‘helmet’ to a rolling cooler with a large aluminum tank in it. Upon closer inspection, the cooler also contained dry ice.
“Ah,” said the mare “that’s a pretty bad joke, too, you know?”
“We’ll just see about that, my friend…” The self-proclaimed Mr. Cool pulled the hose out of his helmet and pointed it menacingly at his victim. The ominous hissing noise filled the narrow alleyway as Mr. Cool inched closer.
“So, um, now what?” the mare inquired as Mr. Cool proceeded to poke her in the face with the hose.
“You have to breathe it.” Stated Mr. Cool.
“I’d really rather not…”
The two were suddenly interrupted by a crazed screaming comet colliding into Mr. Cool, sending him crashing into the wall. Cracks ran down his helmet in a spiderweb pattern and the hose lay hissing on the ground.
“Well done foal wonder, a better surprise attack I could not have performed!”
“Th-thanks Batmawe,” a dazed Pipsqueak stuttered in appreciation.
“Batmare , I should have known! Only you can bring the heat to Mr. Cool!”
Batmare glanced at the unfortunate victim. “By Celestia’s beard, has he been doing this the whole time?”
“Yes!” the mare cried. “Please make him stop!”
“Your pugnacious puns have pained the populace long enough, Mr. Cool!”
“Sweet Celestia, not you, too!” cried the mare, before fainting from such an onslaught of verbal abuse.
“You know what, Batmare? I think you’re right, it’s about time I chilled out!” At the word ‘out’, Mr. Cool overturned his cooler and a great cloud of steam rose from the rapidly evaporating dry ice.
Quickly leaping into action, Batmare propelled herself forward through the steam cloud, only to find Mr. Cool waiting on the other side with a disquieting grin frozen to his face.
“HA! You didn’t think the great Mr. Cool would get cold hooves just because Batmare showed up, did you?”
Batmare giggled a bit at the pun, it was a little funny, but just a little.
“That dry ice was laced with Nitrous oxide! You’re in hot water now, you’ve fallen straight into my trap!”
Batmare burst out laughing, this Mr. Cool really was an amusing fellow, maybe he wasn’t so bad after all.
“Holy Noble gasses, Batmare is inert!” Proclaimed Pipsqueak, with an apologetic look to the unconscious mare. Careful to avoid the vexing vapor, Pipsqueak climbed up a nearby fire escape and aimed his only weapon.
With a sharp report, the grappling hook fired and latched securely onto Batmares’ horn. Pipsqueak then clamped the gun to a railing and pressed the retracting button.
Batmares’ giggling fit continued in tandem with Mr. Cools as they faced off. Suddenly she raised her head, or rather her head was raised for her.
“Ha,ha…what the… hehehehe, I feel funny…” she said as she lost her hoofing and began to swing like a pendulum, slowly rising.
“Woah, Batmare can fly… BWahahahaha, I already knew that, you have to be…. Cold… to trick…um… Haaaahaahahahahahahaaa!” Between the chemicals and Batmare swinging helplessly by her horn, Mr. Cool couldn’t contain himself, he began to roll on the ground he was laughing so hard.
As her altitude increased, so did her awareness. Batmare surveyed the scene below, watching as Mr. Cool laughed himself into unconsciousness.
“Well played, old chum, well played.”
“Anything for you, Batmare.”
“Say, Pip old chum, would you mind doing me a favor?”
“Sure thing!”
“Be a dear and unhook me.”
“Ah.. oh, yes, of course, right away!” Pip scrambled to free his Idol.
Later that day, as Princess Luna lounged in her favorite bean-bag chair, she read the headlines of the premier newspaper ‘Equestria Daily’. Apparently, a mysterious ‘Batmare’ had rescued a citizen from almost certain death by punning, and put a wanted dental supply thief behind bars. The foal wonder would certainly like to see how they had made the papers in their first outing.
“Pipsqueak, oh Pipsqueak!” Luna called to no avail. “Now where could my old chum have gotten to?”
As she made her way to Pip’s bedchambers (a milk crate with a pillow in it at the foot of her bed) Luna felt a growing sense of unease. It was quiet, too quiet. As she stepped into the room, she noticed a note on Pips bed.
“Dear Luna,
I know Pipsqueak works with the insufferable Batmare, and I know he lives with you. So you tell the Batmare to meet me in the Everfree forest at midnight if he ever wishes to see his ‘old chum’ again!
Candidly yours,
The Great Poison Joke”
Luna sighed with relief, “Whew, it looks like my plan worked, for a second I thought somepony knew I was Batmare!”
Batmare and the foal wonder!
Chapter two: Poisoned heart.
The impatient unicorn mare paced back and forth in the dismal gloom. It was not quite midnight, but she hated even the thought of being kept waiting. Somepony as important as her should be waited on, not the other way around!
“Um… excuse me…” A timid voice squeaked through the narrow slats of its piney prison. “Is there something to eat besides pinecones?”
“And what, pray tell, is wrong with pinecones? The great and poww-oooison joke eats pinecones all the time, they are a delectable treat!”
Meanwhile, in her Trotham mansion, Batmare was suiting up. A menacing pleather cowl donned her regal head, a flowing shadowy cape draped over her shoulders and a black molded pleather armor suit (with 6 pack abs!) covered her body. One final touch and she would be ready to rescue her wayward apprentice!
“You mean you really don’t know who Batmare is?” the tiny prisoner proclaimed.
“The great Poison Joke told you, that is why she kidnapped you in the first place!”
“But… she has wings and a horn!”
“One of them could be fake, or both! That doesn’t narrow it down at all… did you say she ?”
“Her name is Batmare
“We thought that was just artistic license!”
Pipsqueak pondered this for a moment. He didn’t know you needed a license to be artistic, was Batmare legal? He really didn’t want to say something stupid, especially in the face of such obliviousness, so he changed the subject.
“Why do you want to know who Batmare is, anyway?”
“Well, we thought Batmare was a colt… we were going to seduce him and steal all his stuff!”
“That’s a terrible plan!”
“We know that now .”
“No, it’s terrible even if Batmare was a colt.”
“Silence foal! We don’t need advice from a-“
Her retort cut short as a thunderous noise grew in volume. The ground began to shake as the sharp report of cracking trees drew closer. The cacophony exploded as a harsh chugging sound filled the air, acrid smoke seeped into the clearing and a piercing monstrous wail caused flocks of birds to abandon their nests. With a final, shattering bellow, a gargantuan black shape burst from the trees. The heavy metallic beast digging a trench as it slowed to a stop. With a final hiss, the thing halted mere inches from the pine cage holding Batmares protégé, who was now shaking rather badly, and curled into the fetal position.
A heroic figure leapt to the top of the mechanical monstrosity and struck a dashing pose. Poison joke stared open mouthed at the spectacle, totally in awe of such grandstanding. (If this was just her entrance…)
“Wha-“
“BEHOLD THE BAT-TRAIN!!! ” screamed Batmare in her best Canterlot Voice™.
“We… the… that-“
“BAT-TRAIN! ” Batmare insisted, sweeping a hoof as if inviting the audience to behold her creation.
“Yes, it’s very nice, but we-“
“Baaaaaaaaat-traaaaaiiiiiiinnnnn! ” she hissed, casting a glare at the boisterous Poison Joke.
This was just too much for Poison Joke to handle. Batmare was right! What were her illusions compared to such grandeur? Ursa major? Ha! This mechanical contraption could make roadkill of such a beast, and Batmare only used it to make entrances! Batmare… so haughty, so arrogant, so smug! So… perfect …
“Oh you’re right! We’re soooooo pathetic! Please, take us to your personal dungeon, we deserve it!”
“Um,” Batmare deftly replied, “we usually just turn criminals in to the police.”
“No! You can’t take us to the police, we don’t deserve such kind treatment! No, we must be punished for our pitiful attempt at villainy. And who better to administer such punishment than Batmare?”
“Hmmm…” Batmare reasoned.
Poison Joke deftly kicked open the pine fortress she had been keeping her puny prisoner in. “S-see? We’ll even let your sidekick go if you’ll promise to attend to our imprisonment personally!”
“I gueeeeeeesssss.” The dark mare answered hesitantly.
“Yesssss - we mean we humbly accept our fate.” Something not unlike resignation struggled to cover barely restrained glee.
Finally recovering from his near death experience, Pipsqueak managed to speak. “P-poison joke, you’re weird.”
Batmare and Pipsqueak regarded the oddly happy prisoner through the bars of their new ‘personal dungeon’.
“Well, she seems happy, at least.” Pipsqueak still wasn’t sure how to feel about the whole thing.
“Yes, old chum, it looks like this mare has a good sense of humor, even when the joke is on her.”
Poison Joke’s smile faded a bit at the painful remark, but just a bit. She did ask to be tortured, after all.
Batmare and the foal wonder!
Chapter three: Two-parter.
What was left of the dense underbrush of the Everfree barely rustled as the zebra mare made her way through. She had been on an interesting, and rather obvious, trail all morning. Her purple friend had asked her to follow it and see where it lead. Apparently the princess had taken an interest in the disturbance since reading about it in one of her protégés reports. It was not a difficult task, the deep ruts led straight off the end of the Trotham-Ponyville rail line and kept following a mostly straight path. Trees were completely uprooted and even a few boulders had been pushed aside like some pebble in front of a plow.
As the tracker moved on, what had to be her target came into sight. What looked like a train loomed before her, but it was unlike any train she had ever laid eyes on! With a stark black motif and a plethora of batwing accents, the monstrosity towered some 50 hooves tall. Its very presence exuded an aura of menace and arrogance that could be felt, neigh, smelled! The zebra could smell the very superiority that issued forth from whatever orifice trains emanated superiority from. She wasn’t sure what bothered her more, that such an intimidating train existed, or that it traveled so far without tracks.
Rearing back in a blind panic at her unworthiness, the zebra quickly galloped back from whence she came; her barely coherent story to be reported to the princess via purple unicorn (and dragon).
Batmare walked into the lounge, sweat dripping from her brow, and sat next to Pipsqueak on the couch. Pipsqueak set down his ‘Foals Life’ magazine and looked at his princess questioningly.
“Looks like Poison Joke needed an extwa hard beating today.”
“Y-yes, she was particularly contemptuous this time…”
“I’ve been reading a bit… are you sure it’s legal to hold her like this? I’m pretty sure the daily beatings are against the Gezebra convention.”
“What have I told you about reading?”
“That it will make me stupid and books are full of lies.”
“Exactly! Besides, it’s completely consensual!”
“Wha-“
“NEVERYOUMIND GOCLEAN THEKITCHEN!”
“The kitchen is always a mess, if you’d just let me teach you how to use the microwave properly-“
“I can use the microwave just fine, thank you! Besides, I’m using it to conduct experiments. Today I learned that you shouldn’t put batteries in a microwave.”
Pipsqeuak groaned at the thought of cleaning the caked caustic material from every exposed surface in the kitchen. At least the microwave incidents had been reduced to a bi-weekly basis, at first it was a daily debacle.
The snowy mare leisurely trotted up to her mirror; the dark eye shadow contrasting starkly with her white face. An unnatural smile slowly spread slightly too far across that face as she brought up a lipstick container with a trembling hoof. A disturbing giggle slipped from her lips as she smeared the lipstick on haphazardly, giving her the look of a predator that has just finished a feast, or an arthritic clown.
Just on the edge of hearing, her voice murmurs in a mad mumbling monologue. “Need to loosen UP… work too hard… no time to PLAY… time… to… plaaayyyyyyy … time… to play… time to play… yes, yeeeeeeessssss … TIME TO PLAYYYYAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”
The unfortunate zebra was curled up on her bed, the shakes had finally stopped and she was beginning to drift off to sleep.
“Oh, you poor dear; such a rough day! If only everypony didn’t take you for granted.” A sweet, soothing voice crooned from everywhere and nowhere all at once.
The zebra jumped slightly at the disturbance. “I can hear that somepony is there, is it me you are trying to scare?”
“Not at all, my friend! I just wanted to offer support, and perhaps a bit of advice.”
“Your support I do not need, your advice I will not heed!”
“Oh, really? Aren’t you tired of being used? Ponies only come to visit you when they need something, and look where that’s gotten you, you’re worked to the bone!”
“The help I give is not a waste, the same they would do, in my place!”
“Are you sure? When was the last time somepony helped you? Oh, sure, they’re all smiles and rainbows when they need you, but when you come into town, aren’t some of the shops closed? Aren’t some of the welcome mats gone?”
“I… this may be true… but… I will not… let myself be blue.”
“Aren’t you tired of it? Why not do something for yourself for a change? You’re the only one looking out for you, after all. Everypony else acts differently depending on if they want you to do something for them; you don’t have any friends, not really .”
“That’s… that’s not true! I’m not alone! How could anypony be so… two-toned ?”
At her last words, the zebras’ eye twitched and she began to grind her teeth. The voice seemed to be gone, its job done. Truly, now, the zebra was alone with her thoughts.
Out of her costume now, Luna descended the stairs into the dining room. The long oak table sat in the center of the room, with two chairs placed on either end, one an ornately carved masterpiece made from a solid piece of wood, the other Pipsqueaks’ upturned bedchambers.
“Hi Pwincess Luna!”
“Good evening, Pipsqueak, the kitchen is clean, I take it?”
“Yes, princess ” The shining demeanor of the foal diminished slightly, only to perk back up with hope.
“Princess, I was wondering…”
“Yes old chum?”
“Could I maybe see my parents again?”
“Why Pipsqueak, I adopted you, I am your parent!”
“I know, but I meant my real parents!”
Luna’s face fell at the comment; she cast a look of pity at the foal. “I… Pip, you know your parents are dead…”
Pip squinched his face up in anger. “No they aren’t! You just keep saying that ever since I was ‘Forcibly Adopted by Royal Decree’ because I said you were my favorite princess! I just got a letter from them yesterday!”
“A letter, eh? I’d better talk to Habeas Corpus about adding that to the restraining order…”
Without warning the lights of the mansion went dark. Luna and Pipsqueak rushed to the window to see that much of the city was without power. In fact, if one looked closely, it appeared that exactly half the city was without power.
“Egads old chum! Who could be behind this devious development?”
“I don’t know Batmare, but it looks like we need to shed some light on the situation!”
A tortured groan issued from Batmare’s personal dungeon as Pipsqueak donned a pair of sunglasses.
Batmare and the foal wonder!
Chapter four: Revenge of Two-parter.
The purple unicorn mare struggled against her bonds as she went through recent events in her mind. Earlier that day, she had asked her zebra friend to check out a mysterious disturbance in the Everfree forest. A few hours after that, while perusing a particularly interesting tome on the history of books, her friend burst into her library by kicking down the door. The appropriately half-crazed zebra glared at her when she asked what was going on.
"What's going on!" The startled unicorn asked.
The zebras' answer to this was to glare at the purple mare.
"Is... is something wrong?"
"Oh no , everything's fine . I'm just tired of being used."
"I- what are you talking about?"
"Young mare, you've crossed the line! I will no longer abide abuse!"
"But... I've never abused you! How can you say that?"
"I suppose you think you are my friend. I will explain to you your hypocrisy."
"I am your friend, if I've hurt your feelings, I'm sorry!"
"I have noticed something of a trend. You only visit when you need something from me !"
"That's not true! Why, just the other day I... well, last week didn't I bring you a flower?"
"That was an ingredient for a potion. One you only wanted for yourself."
"Oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't realize you were feeling used."
"Now you're starting to get the notion! Of favors to call in, I have a wealth."
"What favor can I do for you?"
"Now you are aware of my pain, I wish to collect on a small loan."
"I think I still have some money left over from that scheme Dash had. I didn't know you had any debt Zec-"
"NO! That is no longer my name! From now on you will call me 'Two-Tone'
"Two-Tone? Okay, I guess. Um, what kind of favor did you have in mind?"
At this Two-Tone grinned a half evil, half maniacal grin and began to slowly walk toward the unicorn. What happened to her next she couldn't recall. Lost in though, she was startled by the sound of a door banging shut above her. 'That must mean I'm in a multiple story building' she thought to herself.
"Astute as always, my apprentice." A voice echoed in the purple mares head.
"P-princess, thank goodness! I'm in trouble, I can't move and I don't know where I am!"
"Calm down, my little pony, you are quite safe. You are in Trotham city."
"H-how do you know where I am? Why do you know where I am? Is this your doing?"
"Once again, my congratulations, you have already figured out I arranged for you to be here."
"Two-tone is working for you?"
"Ha! Bravo, three for three my student, well done!"
"Th-thank you." The unicorn blushed a bit at the praise.
"While Two-Tone may not know it, per se, she is indeed serving my purposes. Now it is your turn, my faithful student. I have a new assignment for you, starting immediately."
"I don't know princess, this isn't going to involve hurting anypony, is it?"
"Of course not, my dear! I promise I will never ask you to hurt anypony for this assignment."
"Still..."
"You wouldn't want to disappoint me, would you?"
"Oh no, of course not!"
"I didn't think the problem with the late report was the start of a trend, but..."
"I... I can handle it, I can! I'm responsible, I'm punctual, really!"
"Of course you are, my favorite student! Well, most of the time..."
"It... it won't happen again! I won't let you down, I'll do anything!!!"
"Anything?"
"YES!
It was almost like the purple unicorn could hear the voice inside her head smile as her eye began to twitch. Her whole body was shaking with nervous energy. She couldn't let the princess down, she wouldn't !
"Good, now here's the plan..." the voice continued as a magical aura enveloped the mare.
As the unicorn levitated off the ground, the bindings around her legs unraveled and her blindfold fell off. The aura disappeared as her hooves touched the ground and a large cheshire grin spread over her face.
To an unseen pony the unicorn muttered enthusiastically "Sure thing Missus J!"
Two-Tone walked up the stairs of the princess suite at the top of Trotham tower. She spared a glance at the room her hostage was in on the second floor but continued on. She was expecting visitors soon, and more than likely they would arrive on the roof. As she exited the building, a wild gust of wind slammed the door shut, but again, she paid no mind to the disturbance. She found an appropriate vantage point where she could wait and pulled out an old Zebrican coin. Both sides of the coin had the head of a famous zebra politician on it, a rare defect, but one side had a long, jagged cut. She began to nonchalantly flip the coin as she waited, humming a song to herself.
A dark figure soared across the gloomy Trotham night sky. Actually, two figures would be more accurate, one much smaller and slightly behind and below the other. In fact, only one figure was dark, the other was decidedly not dark at all, since it was covered in what appeared to be brightly lit neon target symbols.
The first, actually dark figure alighted upon a cloud and shaded her eyes with her hoof, unnecessarily, and began to search the city below for some kind of sign. The second figure swung back and forth directly below the first, the effect of which gave the impression of some kind of strange and gaudy wall clock.
"Warping wires, Batmare, it looks like half the city doesn't have power!"
"Right you are, old chum, if only there was some clue as to how this happened."
"Well, the sections of the city that are lit seem to form three arrows pointing toward Trotham tower..." Pipsqueak petulantly pointed out.
"Sorry, Pip, I can't hear you; but look! The sections of the city that are still lit seem to form arrows that point directly to Trotham Tower!"
"Brilliant deduction as always, Batmare!" Pipsqueak commended almost non-sarcastically.
Batmare dived off the cloud and folded her wings, speeding straight for the roof of Trotham Tower. Pipsqueak compulsorily followed in her wake. As she neared the tower, Batmare dramatically flared her wings at the last second and landed daintily on her perfectly pedicured hooves. Suddenly a zebra jumped out of the shadows and glared at the alicorn.
"AHA, I've bee-"
"aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA !!!!" Pipsqueak rudely interrupted as he made a noisy splat sound next to Batmare.
"Look at the foal I do not dare, is he okay? How did he fare?"
"Oh, he'll be fine in a moment, children are very resilient!"
Pipsqueak responded, in what may or may not have been agreement, with a strange gurgling noise.
"... Well... I've been waiting for you, Batmare. For your doom, you must prepare!"
"Why?"
"Half the cities power, I now hold. Half of its money I want to acquire!"
"Really? All this is about money?"
"Always being used has grown old, for the approval of others I no longer aspire. With money at hoof, I will need no other, I can simply pay ponies to do what I say. Instead of being shoved, I will be the shove-er, and I will force everypony out of my way! "
"So where do I come in, in this plan of yours?"
"They will not think me a great threat, but defeating Batmare will fill them with dread. For your sidekick you should not fret, I only wish for Batmares head!"
At this she lunged at Batmare with a mighty leap. Somersaulting through the air, she landed a solid kick to Batmares shoulder. If Batmare hadn't moved as quickly as she did, it would have been her head. A vicious, action packed fight follows, the audio of which has been transcribed for your entertainment.
"Grrr"
"HyA!"
*crunch*
*grunt*
*shff*
*fwipfwipfwipfwip POING*
"Heeeeeeyaw!"
"oooOOOOoooooOOOOoooo!"
"Hngggg"
"Fu-"
"Ow! That hurt!"
"Rrrrrrrrrrr"
"Mmmmmmmmmmmm"
"RrrrrrrAAAAAAAAAA"
"Hrng! Huf!"
"Who says 'Huf'?"
"Ngyahhhr"
"Whargarble!"
*CRACK!* "EYAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
"Ha! You are defeated!"
Two-Tone lay panting on the ground, with one front hoof pointing in an unnatural direction. Batmare stood over her, triumphant. The zebra glared at Batmare with intense hatred, then swiftly stood and limped with impressive speed, all things considered, to the door leading downstairs.
" I still have one trick up my sleeve, I will never again be a pawn!"
With these words she descended the stairs, with Batmare close behind. Pipsqueak wheezed in encouragement as he tried to stand. Two-tone entered the hallway and opened the third door down, stopping short at the sight before her. Her hostage had disappeared! The rope and blindfold were there on the ground, but there was no other sign of escape. Batmare entered the room as well.
"Is this your trick? It's not very good."
A winded and limping Pipsqueak entered the room. "A... rope trick?.... What.... are you.... a... cowpony?"
Batmare threw a deadpan look at Pipsqueak. "I'm just going to chalk that one up to a concussion, old chum."
"This cannot be, how could she leave? How is it that my hostage is gone?"
Batmare struck a dramatic pose. "Looks like you were a one trick pony after all, Two-Tone!"
Pipsqueak collapsed at the pun and gurgled his approval.
Standing not ten hooves away from the scene, an invisible (formerly purple) unicorn watched.
"Shouldn't we stop them from taking Two-Tone, puddin'?"
"Neigh, my student, Two-Tone has failed me, and deserves to be punished. Besides, I don't want to reveal my presence, just yet."
"But, they'll throw her in jail!"
"Precisely, we'll always know exactly where she is. And do you honestly think that there's any prison we can't break her out of?"
"Ah, now I see! You're so smart, Missus J!"
Batmare and the foal wonder!
Chapter five: Domestic disturbance.
The regal alicorn mare slowly walked down the grandiose hall to her private suite in Canterlot Castle. Things had been quiet in Trotham lately, too quiet. It was time once again to stick her hoof in and stir up the pot a bit. As the door to her room closed she gazed upon her reflection in the mirror. The smeared lipstick and eye shadow gave her already white face the ghastly impression of an insane clown; not too far from the truth, all things considered.
She lay on an over-sized red velvet pillow and began to concentrate. Her consciousness began to flow out from her physical form like the water from her daily bath flowed out onto the heads of whatever unfortunate ponies happened to be passing below. (A daily ritual she rather enjoyed.) She began to search for a certain thought pattern, excited and random, but it was not in its' usual place. Something was wrong, how could it be so close?
"HIYA! " A bubbly voice that could only be described as menacingly pink buffeted the white mares' eardrums.
"How did you get in here?"
"Silly Jokemare, didn't you want me here? I thought this was the part where you talk a lot until I go all crazy and do what you say but I already think what you have in mind is a super great idea so you don't have to convince me okay?"
"Why is there an alligator biting my flank?" Jokemare growled as she glared at the guilty gator.
"Oh that's just Hypno-gator, he's gonna help because it's no fun playing evil villain on your own and he wanted to help so I said yes and I'm gonna go now buh-byeeeeeeee!"
As the pink mare jumped out of the window she grabbed the gator with one hoof and pulled an over-sized green hat out of nowhere with the other. She somehow waved goodbye with her rear hoof as she disappeared. The disturbance had rattled Jokemare, though she didn't show it outwardly. Surely that silly pink maniac didn't have plans of conquest, and even if she did, she could not stand up to the might of Jokemare... right ?
"There, how's that?" The light blue unicorn that fluffed the pillow under Pipsqueaks' head asked in an almost matronly way.
"Much bettew, thanks Poison Joke."
"No no, Poison Joke is being punished in Batmares' prison. We're not Poison Joke unless we're in costume."
"You mean the green one with dark green vines patterned on and Poison joke flowers growing out of it that nopony bothered to describe before?"
"Yes, that's the one."
"So who are you now?"
"We are now to be known as Alfalfa Red!"
"That's a bit of a stretch..."
"No, see? We've got a red bow-tie on!" Sure enough, along with a classic butler suit, Alfalfa had donned a bright red bowtie, which for some reason was crusted with jewels.
"Why are you doing this again?"
"Well, you see, Batmare still has to go out and scream at criminals. So she asked us to watch you while she was gone. At first we were reluctant, but she promised an extended sentence."
"Don't criminals usually want shorter sentences?"
"We believe that Batmare was too lenient in her original sentencing of us. Now how would master Pip like some soup?"
"... Actually, that does sound good."
A shadowy figure, tall building etc., etc. This time, however, all was not right. The night was quiet, too quiet. There was hardly any screaming at all, and certainly no crime related screaming. (The other types didn't concern The Batmare .) As she gazed into the heart of the city, she could sense it, feel it, the rhythmic beating, the flowing pulse. Yes, the city was alive , alive and well; the veins of the city were in no need of a white blood cell to battle the bacteria of evil, not tonight.
Batmare spread her wings, the pleather six-pack abs of her armor flexing with the motion. As she made one final pass for the night, she found her gaze drawn to the rooftop of a nearby structure. A party? Hadn't there been a party there last night, as well? Ah, well, no matter, there were no laws about how many parties you could throw in Trotham, at least not yet .
One soft landing (with no accompanying 'thud') later, Batmare arrived at the secret entrance to her bat-cave. She eyed the petunias and decorative vines that now adorned the portal to her lair. This was new, had somepony found her out? She stepped into her secret space of solitude and shouted "Show yourself, villain, what treachery hast thou wrought?"
"Our apologies, master Luna, what flowers would you prefer decorate the entrance to the Bat-cave?"
"It is a secret entrance to a secret cave, Alfalfa, and I prefer it remain that way. A path lined with flowers is not very secretive."
"Of course, local flora it is, then."
"Thank you, is there any news?"
"The only thing of interest in the Trotham Globe was a passing mention of a party that has lasted two full days."
"Ah, I noticed that on the way home, it was the same party from yesterday, then?"
"Apparently so, sir, something new called a 'Mare-a-thon' party."
"How droll."
"Indeed."
"Quite."
"Naturally."
"Verily."
"But of course."
"Wait, who's talking?"
"We believe you are, sir."
"Ah, certainly."
"Precisely."
"Enough of that, how's my old chum Pip doing?"
"Quite well, we served him some soup earlier and he went straight to sleep."
"Did you put something in the soup?"
"Quite a few things, sir."
"Alfalfa , you're supposed to be on our side!"
"Nothing untoward, we assure you. Just carrots and the like."
"Hmmmm...." Batmare narrowed her eyes suspiciously at the newly reformed butler, but no whiff of malice escaped her pores. "Very well, I shall have to look into this so called Mare-a-thon party, it sounds suspicious."
"It would seem they have sent you an invitation, sir, by personal courier. For some reason she would only accept muffins as payment."
"What? They invited Batmare to their party?"
"Of course not, sir, it is addressed to Princess Luna."
"Ah, well I guess I'd better start warming up..."
"Your sunglasses, sir."
"'Cause I'm about to run this Mare-a-thon!"
Batmare and the foal wonder!
Chapter six: Baby don't hurt me.
As Princess Luna approached her destination, she heard the soft thump of heavy bass. This was rather impressive, considering the rooftop party was some twelve stories up. The building in question was made of aged brick, in a construction style not used in decades. It was one of many in this part of town, and would have gone unnoticed if not for the lasers and spotlights streaming out like the spokes of a demented wheel attached to an even more demented form of locomotion. (Some kind of train, perhaps.)
Drawing closer, Luna realized the buildings adjacent to the party seemed to be empty. Something was going on here, where were all the residents? Walking up the steps of the front entrance she noticed a gruff looking stallion wearing a police uniform standing guard. Had they contacted the police already?
"Let me guess, you got called out for a noise complaint?" Luna asked.
"Noise? Lady, you're crazy, this beat is sicker than grimdark clopfic!"
Taken aback more by the reference that the attitude, Luna tried again. "Ah, yes, it is quite... invigorating. So nopony has filed a complaint?"
"At first we got a bunch of calls, but then everypony who complained got invited to the party, including us! Haven't heard any negativity in fourteen hours or so."
"I see, um... I think I have an invitation, too. One moment...."
"No need, lady, come on in! This here is an open party, all are welcome!"
"Oh, well thank you..."
"Name's Sprinkles, Captain Sprinkles!"
"Thank you Captain."
"Sure thing, Princess!"
Luna paused and looked back at the guard inquisitively, perhaps he knew more than he was letting on. The mysterious policepony had disappeared, however, and was nowhere to be seen. Shrugging, Luna proceeded up the stairwell, she was going to get to the bottom of this, even if she had to climb to the top of the building! As she made her way to the roof, Luna noticed some of the partiers were mingling and dancing on the lower floors, the number steadily increasing as she ascended. This made sense, upon reflection, nine buildings worth of ponies can't all fit on one roof. Finally she made it to a steel door marked 'Roof Access'. She pushed with a hoof and the door squeaked open, but the sound was lost. Instead, her vision and hearing were crushed with a cacophony of curious clamoring and clinquant lights. Momentarily stunned, she stumbled forward into the makeshift party, or had she been pushed?
A pink form finally materialized in front of Luna and raised her hooves above her head in celebration.
"Woo-hoo! Look, everypony, the guest of honor is here!"
The guests all cheered and whistled as the pink pony performed a 'grinding' maneuver on the princess.
Taken aback by the assault to her person and senses, Luna became indignant.
"Now wait just a moment, what do you think you're doing?"
"Aww," the pink pony answered. " I was just tryin' to dance with ya' Princess."
"You were just rubbing your flank all over me!"
"Yeppers! We call that 'grinding'!"
"Well I prefer not to be 'ground', thank you very much."
"mvmbmbgddcupcakesvmbmbntmntmbg... "
"What was that?"
"Nothing! Sorry about that Princess, why don't you grab some punch? It's delicious, my own recipe!"
"Um... I'm suddenly not very thirsty, what is this whole party about, anyway?"
"Like it? It's my own invention, I call it a Mare-a-thon party!"
"So I've heard, how does it work?"
"Simple, it's a party that never ends! Everypony's invited to attend, and there's no cover charge, isn't it great?"
"That does sound pretty great, so do you have the DJ's and other staff set on rotation or what?"
"Or what! Nopony ever has to leave, that's the best part!"
Luna finally began to really look around at the details of this 'party', all the guests had bags under their eyes, at least the ones that weren't passed out. The DJ had an electric blue mane that would have been stunning if it weren't sagging and straggly from days of neglect. Glancing up, Luna noted more than a few strategically positioned police pegasai patrolling the nearby airspace.
"Ah, so this is a trap..."
"No way! Everypony is here because they want to be! Watch... Hey, anypony want to leave the party? "
A chorus of voices answered in the negative.
"No way!"
"Yeah, this party rocks!"
"It's only been three days!"
Luna looked around in disbelief, how could all these clearly miserable ponies want to stay?
"Hey Princess, why don't you stick around too?"
"I'd love to, but I really should be on my-"
"Hypno-Gator! "
Ah, that was why nopony wanted to leave, Luna thought to herself as she felt the last of her free will drain away. Where did that giant green hat come from, anyway? Oh, there's an alligator on top, what interesting eyes.... swirling, fluctuating, evolving... paaaarrrrrttttttyyyyyyyyyy...
"But Alfalfa! Batmawe hasn't been back in thwee days!"
"And you're still in a body cast my puny pony pal."
"But it's been two weeks, I'm fully healed!"
"Just because some fancy doctor pony says you're fine doesn't mean it's true."
"You just like restraining me, you're weird! I'm going to tell Batmare on you!"
"N-now let's not be too hasty, we think we have the cast cutters here somewhere!"
"That's better." Pipsqueak grumbled.
Alfalfa grabbed the cutting tool and swiftly freed the foal wonder from his bandage bondage. She was more worried about Batmare not punishing her if she ever found out Alfalfa had tried to be dominant. (The horror!) Finally free the fearless foal focused on his goal.
"To the Bat cave, Alfalfa!"
"Of course, master Pip."
Batmare and the foal wonder!
Chapter seven: Noise violation.
Pipsqueaks' eyes slowly grew in wonder and shone with the light of a thousand suns, much like they would have if he had been given free reign of a toy store, or got his parents back. The Bat cave, with all its' wonder and glory, beckoned to the foal. Gadgets and weapons and vehicles of all kinds called out his name. The sheer enormity of it all boggled his little mind, what to use? Why not all of it?
A light blue unicorn mare, sharply dressed in a butler suit, trotted up next to the foal. "Is there a problem, master Pip?"
"It's all just so... so... beautiful ! I just don't know where to stawt."
"Well, the first thing you should try and do is find out where Batmare is."
"Right! The Bat-puter will be able to tell us her location using the Bat-tracker."
"Right you are, sir, then you could use the Bat-cameras located throughout the city to try and get a visual."
"Great idea Alfalfa! Then I'll use the Bat-GPS to plot the fastest route to Batmares' location."
"Don't forget to wear a Bat-helmet when you take the Bat-cycle."
"But I wanted to take the Bat-car!"
"Don't be silly, you don't even have a driver's license."
"But Alfallllllffaaaaaaaaaa !"
"Don't you start with us, young colt! Do you want to go save Batmare or not?"
*sigh* "Yes ..."
The rooftop party was in full swing. Of course, it had been in full swing for almost a week now. The building had slowly filled up with more and more ponies, and now the party had spilled out onto the streets. Some of the more adventurous partiers were starting to nose their way into the adjacent buildings that had previously been abandoned. It was clear that this would soon become a multi-rooftop party. A primarily pink pony poked her head over the precipice of the building to perceive the proceedings.
"Woo-hoo! Look Princess Luna, we've got a block party now!"
"How wonderful Happy Hatter, soon the fun will exponentially increase!"
"Um... Yeah! That's a good thing, right?"
"Of course my bestest friend, it's the best thing ever !"
"Oh, in that case YAY!"
The two mares seemed to take no notice of the police cordon further down the street. In fact, the Mare of Trotham had called in the Equestrian Guard. Pumpkin catapults mixed with policeponies in a three block radius of the parties epicenter. (In fact if one were so inclined they might call it Pinkies' policepony party perimeter.) If the two mares failed to notice that, they certainly didn't notice a small figure approaching the blockade on a bike with rubber bats randomly duct-taped to it. A tiny bell rang out from the bike as the figure neared.
"Make way, make way, I'm here to save the day! "
"Kid, you must be crazy, that party's dangerous!"
"I'm not just any 'kid', I'm Pipsqueak the Foal Wonder! "
The Equestrian guard looked the foal over, taking in the bright outfit, mirrored sunglasses and the rubber bats on the bike. "Ah, so Batmare has a plan, then? Finally!"
"Er... yeah, all part of Batmares' plan. So can I go in now? "
"I dunno kid, rumor has it the pink party pony has some kind of mind control reptile."
"I know, that's why I have the helmet. " Pipsqueak proudly raised his bike helmet, (also adorned with rubber bats) showing off the tin foil cover it now included. "It's Batmares own mind-control proof coating! "
"Uhh... If you say so kid." With this the guard raised his hoof, signalling the others to allow the boisterous foal through. As Pipsqueak neared the precarious party, the guard shook his head. "Poor foal, always being used as bait... Still, it's a good strategy, let Batmare save the day while the bad pony's distracted."
As Pipsqueak drew closer to the party, the crowd of ponies grew thicker. Eventually, he had to dismount the Bat-cycle and chain it to a bike rack with a bat-lock. (Just a standard Mastercolt lock with rubber bat wings glued to it. In fact, almost everything with a Bat prefix was just a standard item with rubber bat wings affixed in some manner. With the exception of the Bat-Train, of course, they had tried to glue rubber bat wings to the Bat-Train, but they had just melted. The result was that it looked like the Bat-Train was shedding black tears of rage from nonexistent eye sockets. They never tried that again.) Pipsqueak shuddered a bit at the memory as he pushed his way through the crowd.
Soon Pipsqueak made it to the top of the staircase, the muffled sound of heavy bass filtered through the closed door to the roof. He took a deep breath, this was it, his moment to shine! He reared back and bucked the door open with all his might. Exposed before him was a scene of devastating debauchery the likes he had never before witnessed! Piles of passed-out ponies littered the dance floor, a plethora of others were straining to stay awake, barely able to moonwalk; and in the center of it all, his prized princess, accompanying what had to be the madpony behind all this mayhem.
"You! " Shouted Pipsqueak, pointing a trembling, accusing hoof at the offending pony.
"Me!" Answered the pink mare, smiling broadly and pointing to herself.
"You stole my favorite pwincess! "
"I didn't steal her silly, I invited her. She came here on her own!"
"You tricked her somehow, I know you did! "
"I don't know what you'reHYPNO-GATOR !!!"
"A-ha! So that's how you did it! "
"Bu-but, I hypno-gatored you..."
"I think this party has lasted long enough, it's definitely the longest running party in Trotham. "
A change came over the pink pony, it was almost as if she had entered some kind of daze. The Happy Hatter vaguely waved a hoof, almost instantly the music stopped. The DJ issued a sigh of relief before collapsing from exhaustion. "Yeah, longest running is a new record... I always throw the best parties..."
Pipsqueak removed the earplugs from his ears. "That's right, besides, you have to stop this party before you start planning for the next one."
"The next party... of course..." The pink pony absentmindedly stroked her pet alligator as the sheen slowly faded from its' eyes.
The foal wonder removed his mind-control proof helmet as he continued. "Yes the next party, I bet it'll be even better than this one!"
The haze seemed to lift from the pink mares' countenance, but her mind was already somewhere else. "Omigosh, you're right ! This party was great, but it could be soooooooooooooooooooooooooo much better! First I'll need some oatmeal, then some maracas and then I'll put the..."
The Happy Hatter continued to talk as she adopted a thousand mile stare. A suddenly alert Luna gazed at the scene around her as she shook off the exhaustion of the past few days. She saw a smiling foal staring at her admiringly, she returned the smile as she got up and trotted over.
"It would seem thou has bested my opponent for me, old chum."
"Aw shucks, Princess..." An embarrassed Pipsqueak traced some lines on the floor with his hoof.
Looking at the prattling pink pony Luna raised an eyebrow. "She sure does talk a lot."
Taking his cue, Pipsqueak smirked. "In fact, you might say..." finally the mirrored glasses came off, "she's a rambler!"
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTT!" The pink pony burst out. "Oatmeal? Am I crazy ?"
Batmare and the foal wonder!
Chapter eight: Polar express.
A pale yellow pegasus carefully made her way through the narrow, winding path. A small white rabbit hopped in front of her, leading the way. The Everfree forest was unusually calm in this area, which was normally bustling with life. After a few minutes, the rabbit came to an abrupt stop and began to shake.
"What's wrong Angel?" The yellow pony asked.
Covering his eyes with one paw, he pointed the other in the direction of a clearing. As she watched the bunny quiver with fear, it became clear he would go no further.
"Well... okay, I guess I'll have to see for myself."
The shy pegasus stepped forward with what she hoped was a brave face. As she entered the clearing however, her expression swiftly changed to one of anguished horror. Before her lurked what should have been a rusting hulk of decrepit machinery; but Nature dared not touch this particular demonic construct. Slowly the color drained from the poor mare as she stared, unable to blink or cry. In the presence of this depraved metal golem, natural laws seemed irrelevant, even obscene. The very existence of such a thing spat in the face of reality, which distorted itself to accommodate its inconceivable representation. The tiny mare finally averted her eyes, unable to gaze upon the horrendous countenance of what had to be the corrupted form of a train any longer.
A soothing voice entered the yellow mares' head. "Such a horrid thing, isn't it?"
"H-how can it exist? The trees... why are they melting ?"
"Whoa... you... that really got to you, huh?"
"It, it must be destroyed, but I know it cannot be unmade. I will unmake its' creator instead."
"Wow, you just... went right off the deep end, there."
"Such an unnatural thing is a mockery to all of Nature, this sin cannot go unpunished."
"I'm actually a little scared now. You just go on ahead and do your thing, sister."
"After witnessing this profane machine, I no longer have kin."
But the voice was already gone, leaving an engulfing emptiness in its' place. Engulfing emptiness... there were but two places in Equestria that fit that description... the little yellow mare couldn't decide which to use.
The blinking light flashed a few more times, then stopped. Pipsqueak, his tongue sticking out in concentration, wrote out the last few letters of the message.
"E... r... y...m...u...c...h...s...t...o...p"
Smiling at the completed message, Pip grabbed the handle of the small spotlight he had pointed out the window and began to open and close its' shutters in reply.
"What in Equestria is all that racket?" A dark alicorn mare questioned as she entered the room. Pip let out a guilty gasp as he tried to hide the spotlight behind his diminutive back.
"N-nothing pwincess!"
"Nothing my flank! What is this?" Somehow missing the spotlight, Luna had instead noticed the note that had fallen to the floor. "... 'both love you very much. Stop'... Why this is a message written in Horse code! Those crafty buggers!"
"I don't know what you're talking abowt." Pipsqueak managed his best straight face.
"Hmm... I think visible light communication falls under the F.C.Cs' jurisdiction. I'll have Habeas Corpus write something up."
Pips' lip began to quiver. "B-but pwincess.... Hearths' Warming Eve is coming up, and I only want one thing!"
"As long as it's not 'seeing your parents' (who are dead, by the way), you can have any reasonably priced request you want!"
Pip slowly hung his head in defeat as silent tears ran down his cheeks. Just then a smartly dressed butler unicorn entered the room.
"Ah, Alfalfa, you look pensive; do you bring news?"
"We do, sir, apparently there has been a sudden blizzard on Mount Trotmore."
The foal wonders' ears perked up. "Mount Trotmore? But that's where my pawents were just... er... I mean..."
Giving the foal a quizzical look, Luna continued. "Since when does a blizzard concern Batmare?"
"Since non-native species began pouring from it and making their way here, sir."
"What kind of species?"
"Penguins, sir."
"Penguins?"
"Among other things..."
Thousands of bouncing penguins sped toward Moon Manor, the famous mansion and surrounding estate belonging to the esteemed Princess Luna. One may make note that penguins tend to waddle when on land, not bounce; and one would be correct in that observation. In fact, upon closer inspection, as the waddle of penguins approached, it could be determined that it was not so much a waddle as a combination of a celebration and a waddle. The giant snow cloud that this large group of animals kicked up was the 'blizzard' that had been reported earlier. Pipsqueaks' jaw dropped at the unusual sight.
"Are those penguins riding... polar bears ?"
"Ah, penguins and polar bears, natural enemies forced to cooperate. Who would do such a thing?"
"I'm pwetty sure they aren't natural enemies, Batmare, they live on opposite sides of the planet."
Suddenly a deviously cute giggle erupted from within the animal amalgamation. Within a few dozen hooves of our heroes the group finally came to a stop. "You're little friend is right, Batmare, these two species don't normally interact."
"Did you really go to all this trouble to teach me a biology lesson?" Batmare asked, perturbed, as a white haze settled around her.
"Oh, no," the soothing voice continued, "I've come here to correct something that is completely unnatural, much like the pairing of my animal friends, here."
"Who are you? Show yourself!"
Floating down from above the waddlebration, a small white pegasus landed softly in front of Batmare. Her pure white coat and mane blending perfectly with the snowy terrain. "I used to be a yellow pony with a pretty pink mane, but after witnessing your abomination... well... just look at me! um... if that's okay."
"Abomination, what you mean the Bat-Train? That old thing?"
"Do not utter its name! I have to unmake you before you create another profane construct that destroys the natural order! Behold the wrath of the Polar Mare !" At this utterance, the polar bears reared up on their hind legs and let out a mighty roar. Then the penguins began to dive into their waiting paws, soon a barrage of thrown penguin projectiles darkened the sky as Batmare and the foal wonder made a 'tactical retreat'.
Pipsqueak spared a sidelong glance at Batmare. "More like Bi-polar mare!"
Batmare and the foal wonder!
Chapter nine: Third degree burns.
Batmare and Pipsqueak ducked and dodged as best they could while penguins rained down among them like fat, well dressed lawn darts. The foal wonder somersaulted nimbly through the air as Batmare performed a series of graceful hoofstand back flips. Pip proceeded to execute a zig-zag maneuver as the dark mare leapt to one side to avoid a particularly precise penguin.
"Great pointy penguins Batmare, this is a prickly situation!"
"Take heart, old chum; I have an idea, follow me!"
Spurred by her words of encouragement, the duo dashed to the relative safety of the bat cave via a secret entrance (with newly planted local foliage) and disappeared. With their targets gone, the polar bears and penguins looked around in confusion. Finding nothing better to do, the animals began to wander around.
"What's going on, why did you stop?" The pure white pegasus demanded. "Where is the Batmare?"
The wandering creatures payed her no heed, however. The pegasus growled in frustration and stamped her front hooves. Seeing that the tantrum was getting her nowhere, Polar Mare decided some aerial reconnaissance was in order. Fortunately, the cloud of snow had settled and visibility had returned, so finding weak points in the mansions' defenses should prove easy.
As she flew high above Moon Manor, the white mare noticed some of the penguins had found the pool, and one of the polar bears was lounging in the hot tub with a brand-name soft drink. A little ways away, some more polar bears and a group of sporting penguins had taken up an actual game of lawn darts, with the penguins as the darts.
Shaking her head to clear it of those strange images, Polar Mare resumed scanning for an entrance of some kind. Finally, some flashing lights caught her attention. What appeared to be a series of neon arrows all pointed to a door on the side of the mansion, a billboard above the door read 'This door is unlocked at all times, and cannot be monitored due to technical issues. Please do not use to sneak in!'. A smile slowly spread across the gullible pegasus' face, she had finally found her way in.
The small foal looked around the room nervously. "I don't know Batmare, I'm pwetty sure that's not how microwaves work."
"Are you saying all my experiments have been for nothing, old chum?"
"Oh, no , Batmare, I'm just saying you might have drawn some diffewent conclusions."
"It's simple, normal sized microwaves can't harm ants, therefore, a super-sized microwave won't harm normal sized animals! The tin foil is just there to scare them." As she spoke she used her magic to finish crinkling up the last of the giant tin foil balls that lay scattered throughout the room.
"I really, really hope you're right."
After patiently waiting for the lawn dart game to finish, Polar Mare rounded up her army. Pacing in front of them, she began to speak.
"All right my friends, I have finally found a weak point in Batmares' defenses. Today, we eliminate the source of that evil object in the Everfree, today we fight for nature!"
In her mind, the creatures all cheered and roared their approval; In reality, they exchanged dubious glances, unsure about the future prospects of following their obviously unhinged leader. Nevertheless, at her shout of 'Charge!' they obeyed, rushing toward and through the indicated door, despite the sign posted above it politely requesting otherwise.
Batmare and the foal wonder watched from the observation window as the giant room filled with perturbed penguins and polar bears. Batmare raised her hoof and slowly brought it toward a giant red button.
"I'd say that should be most of them, eh Pip?"
"I, I don't like this idea, anymore." Pip replied, wavering. "Please don't do this, Batmare!"
"Don't worry, Pip old chum." Batmare foreshadowed with a gleam in her eye. "This will all be over soon."
With a barely audible chuckle, the dark mare brought her hoof down with unflinching finality. A deep, reverberating whirring noise began as an unseen motor kicked on. The lights in the city momentarily dimmed as the power demand tripled in less than a second. Startled squawks and pained bellows could be heard in the room below. Blinding lightning danced around the enclosure, jumping to and from the foil balls.
The panicked animals turned and fled as one. Watching in frozen horror from the doorway, Polar Mare was unable to get out of the way as the entirety of her Bi-polar army stampeded over her.
"See?" gloated Batmare, "they were bear-ly singed!"
"But- but that doesn't make any sense! Microwaves don't change size just because the room does..."
"The answer is simple, old chum, science !"
"That's not how science wor-"
"SCIENCE !"
"But you don't even-"
"SSSCCCIIIIEEEEEENNNNCCEE!!! "
Sighing, Pip gave up, he knew it was useless to argue once the Royal Canterlot Voice(tm) was used. Together the dynamic duo stepped outside and made their way over to the unconscious mare. A white rabbit stood by her side, looking concerned.
"Well, Pip old boy, I suppose somepony should inform princess Luna of this development so she can notify the police. Why don't you keep an eye on our fine feathered friend?"
"Sure thing, Batmare!"
Pipsqueak waited until Batmare was out of sight. Looking at the rabbit, a thought occurred to him.
"Say, you're this pegasus' friend, right?"
The snow white rabbit nodded his head.
"You know she needs help, and putting her in custody is the best thing for her... right?"
Again a nod in the affirmative.
"If I leave for a minute, do you promise not to take her anywhere?"
A third nod.
"Great! I'll be riiiiight back!"
Pip took off toward Mount Trotmore as fast as his little legs would carry him.
Panting heavily, Pip finally crested the ridge his parents had most likely been on. Looking around anxiously, he finally found two sets of hoofprints leading down a narrow path. Following these, he made his way to a ledge where, sure enough, a shuttered spotlight much like his own was set up. Rather than be relieved, however, our tiny trotter was full of trepidation. If they had left on their own, they certainly would have taken their equipment with them.
Looking more closely at the marks on the ground, it became clear there was some kind of trouble. There were definitely more than two sets of hoofprints. Scanning the nearby areas, Pip found three more set of hoofprints leading to where his parents had been. The problem now was, there were none leading away from the location. It was like everypony had just disappeared! A quick glance over the ledge confirmed that the worst had not happened, so what had?
Distant flashing lights brought Pip back to reality. The police were getting close to the Manor, if he was missing, Luna would ask questions. The puny pony made his way down the mountain, but he wasn't finished here, he reassured himself... not by a long shot!
Batmare and the foal wonder!
Luna paced in front of the fireplace, the flames within burning almost as hot as the anger in her eyes.
"How could you just run off like that? What did I specifically ask you to do?"
Pipsqueak shrank even more, trying to dissolve into the carpet in shame. "To watch Polar Mare."
"And you took that as permission to just take off on a whim? Where exactly did you run off to?"
"N-nowhere, um, the garden! I-I made the rabbit promise not to take her anywhere while I was gone!"
Luna stopped her pacing to stare at her cohort in disbelief. "You didn't even make him promise to keep her there if she woke up? What if somepony else came and took her away? You realize that the police think I'm crazy now, right? Not to mention the unregistered wildlife fines and animal abuse charges!"
Pipsqueak pouted as his eyes began to water. "I'm... I'm sowwy, pwincess Luna."
"Don't you 'I'm sowwy' me buster! Now I'm going to go try and track down Polar Mare, and until I'm back you're grounded ."
"Yes, pwincess."
Finally done with her tirade, princess Luna turned and stomped out of the room. Sighing glumly, Pip made his way down the hall to his bedchambers. As he settled in the milk crate, he gazed out the window in time to see Batmare take off into the night. Laying his head down, he slowly drifted off into a troubled sleep.
Alfalfa was panting as she bucked the door to Lunas' bedchamber open. She carried in her mouth the morning edition of the 'Trotham Globe'.
"Mithtreth Una, tewwible new-... mathter Fif, where ith Una?"
Quickly recovering from the shock caused by the sudden intrusion, Pip looked at the princess' bed. "I don't know, she never came back last night. What's going on?"
*P-tew* "We have a bad feeling about this." Alfalfa spoke ominously as she hooved the paper over to Pip. "Here, read this."
"Two-Tone escaped from prison?"
"That's not all, apparently, the Happy Hatter was never officially taken into custody! There's a record of her arrest, but she never showed up at the jail."
"That is bad, she's psycho!"
"There's more!"
"More!?"
"Mr. Cool escaped from his minimum security cell, as well! It's on page four."
"Oh, is that all? That's not so bad."
"Yeah, we guess not, but it does mean that every villain you and Batmare put behind bars is missing. This can't be a coincidence."
"Batmare... she might be in trouble, we have to warn her! But how?"
"We have just the thing! We installed a tracking device in Batmares' suit for just such an occasion, it records her location every ten minutes."
"I'm going to ignore for the moment the implications of why you would do that and accept this as a convenient plot device."
"Hee hee, you said 'plot'."
Deep in the bowels of Canterlot Mountain, a gathering of vile villains the likes of which had never before been seen was underway. Through labyrinthine passages and ancient doors they walked, slowly making their way to a secret meeting room. So enchanted with anti-spy spells no scrying could detect it, no listening spell could infiltrate it, the room had remained undetected for millenia. Even mundane technologies could not penetrate the miles of rock and passages.
One by one the evil ponies entered the room, familiar faces all. Two-Tone, Polar Mare, the Happy Hatter, even Mr. Cool was somehow in attendance. They took their seats in the cramped confines, and collectively gasped in shock as the Jokemare herself strode in, grinning maniacally.
"Hello, my little ponies," she snickered sardonically as she slid the door shut. "I'm so glad you could all make it."
The zebra was the first to speak. "Your assistant broke me out of jail, she bade me come here with a stern voice. Of course I came, and without fail. It's not as if I had a choice."
"I- I couldn't do it on my own. I want to end Batmare so much, but... oh my poor babies, she microwaved them, right in front of me! Do you know how that feels?" The pure white pegasus broke down into sobs.
"Nopey dopey, I've never been microwaved before, I bet it's not very fun though! Hee-hee." The pink mare began to giggle.
"Mr. Cool thinks this meeting is a, heh , chill idea."
Trying to look serious, Jokmare spoke. "If you, ha-ha, make another joke like, hehehehe, that I'm gonna.... heh, to... haha, th' MOOOOOONNNN waaahaahahahahahahahaaaa!"
At this everypony burst out laughing, falling to the floor in fits of giggles, pounding the table in pure riotous mirth. Nopony had thought anything of the cooler Mr. Cool had brought in with him. It would seem confined spaces were at once his greatest strength and weakness. Slowly the ponies passed out as the room filled with dental grade nitrous oxide.
"Spike? Spiiiiiike!" The purple unicorn called.
The skittering of claws on hardwood floors could be heard as a small purple dragon scampered toward the voice. "T-Twilight? Oh my gosh, it is you! I was so worried, where have you been?" The baby dragon leapt to his charge, embracing her in a tight hug. "And why are you dressed like the court jester?" He pulled back and pointed at the costume.
"That's because I stole his clothes."
"Ah, I see- wait what?"
"And I'm not Twilight anymore, from now on call me Horseplay !"
"Hubawha? But Twi- er Horseplay, why the name change, and since when did you start stealing clothes?"
"Since princess Cele- I mean the Jokemare requested it. And I don't just steal clothes, I steal lots of things!"
"But stealing is wrong!"
"Not if its' by royal decree! Now pack your things, I need your help with something."
"Gee, I don't know Twilight."
"It's Horseplay, and aren't you supposed to be my number one assistant?"
"Well sure! But this just doesn't feel right."
"Aw c-mon, spikey wikey, who's my number one assistant, who's my brave little guy?"
"I- I am." Spike answered, blushing.
"I just can't do this on my own, Spike, won't you please help me? Pretty pleeeease ?"
"I guess I can tag along..."
"Oh, thank you Spike! I couldn't do this without my big, strong, number one assistant helping, after all."
"Of course not! That's why you came to me after all. Um, what am I helping you with, again?"
"I'll explain on the way!"
Batmare and the foal wonder!
Chapter eleven: Bugging out.
Pipsqueak tapped the keys on the Bat-Computer in rapid succession. His little brow furrowed in concentration. As he typed a window opened, revealing a map of Equestria with a line of blue dots leading away from Moon Manor.
"Got it! Here, Alfalfa, take a look."
"Hmm... this has Batmare heading straight for... Canterlot! Zoom in a bit, if you please, master Pip."
"Okay, let's see... hey, the dots just stop here."
"That's odd, the last one is over an hour ago. We wonder what happened?"
"I think I can access the city's camera network from here. Let's see if we can get a visual." Tiny hooves typed triple time trying to find a match. "Ah, here we go, this camera covers the area we're interested in."
"Start the recording from an hour before she arrived, there may be some clue."
"Good idea Alfalfa, starting... now."
A grainy video came to life on the Bat-Computers' screen, it covered a curve in a road near Canterlot Mountain. Playing at four times normal speed, the hour seemed to zoom by. Suddenly, a flash of ponies appeared for a moment. Pip reset the video to just before the action and replayed the scene at normal speed. What he saw made his jaw drop. Walking into the side of the mountain were a white stallion and a brown mare, both earth ponies. They were led by what appeared to be a court jester, and flanked on either side by none other than the Happy Hatter and Two-Tone.
"Bu-buh, my- ma.... my pawents!"
"What would Jokmare want with your parents?"
"I don't know." Grim determination set on Pips' face. "But I'm going to do anything it takes to get them back."
"Let's see if the Jokmare has Batmare, as well."
The video continued, finally revealing a pony with a fishbowl on his head leading a limping white pegasus mare and an equally white rabbit into the same entrance. A few minutes later, a stealthy Batmare slowly crept her way inside, as well.
"Well," Alfalfa sighed with relief, "at least Batmare wasn't captured."
"I'm going." Pip stood up and declared with finality.
"We can't let you go, master Pip, you'd never rescue your parents by yourself."
"Twy and stop me."
"Oh we're not going to stop you, master Pip, we intend to go with you."
"Y-you, you will?" Gratitude bloomed in Pipsqueaks eyes.
"Of course! Just let us make a little costume change, first."
The assembled villains groaned in pain. The headache that they all felt replaced whatever sense of humor they once had. Mr. Cools' rolling cooler now stood out in the hallway, with the valve on the gas tank tightly shut. Mr. Cool himself sat duct-taped to a chair, his snout received similar treatment. Without the constant supply of cold gas, the fishbowl on his head had fogged up from his breathing.
"Mmmmm, mmMMMmmmm!" Mr. Cool argued.
"Just be glad your little oversight ended up knocking Batmare unconscious, too." Jokemare gave a stern look in Mr. Cools' direction. "Otherwise you'd be in the parasprite pit right now. How she managed to sneak in here I'll never know."
Just then, a purple unicorn and her dragon assistant walked into the room.
"Ah, Horseplay, I take it our guests are, comfortable ?"
"Cozy as a clam, missus J!"
"Excellent, and the preparations for our... other guests?"
"Everything is ready to go, once everypony here knows their parts. And I've got our 'insurance' right here with me." Horseplay indicated Spike with a hoof.
"You truly are my most faithful student!" Adjusting the ice pack on her head, Jokemare continued. "Allright, everypony, lets' get down to business."
A pale blue unicorn stepped out into the hallway. Rather than her usual butler suit, however, she was now adorned with a light green skintight suit with dark green vines curling around it in ways that accentuated the mares' body. Here and there, stark, blue flowers bloomed from the vines as if by magic. Because it was by magic.
"It looks like this time Jokemare picked the wrong poison!"
"Um, yeah! Thanks for helping, by the way, with Poison Joke I'm sure to get my pawents back!"
"We don't think it's going to be that simple, our enthusiastic little adventurer."
"What do you mean?"
"We think we're going to need a little help if we want to ride this rail all the way."
"I still don't follow, who else is there?"
"We need something to get our engines going, if you follow our train of thought."
"Um, an energy dwink?"
"Ugh, just follow us!"
View Online
Batmare and the foal wonder!
Chapter twelve: The ultimate showdown! (of ultimate destiny!)
Still. Inert. Unmoving. Stagnant. Deathlike. These all described the state of the Bat-Train. But not lifeless, no, there was something there, some entity that could be felt more than seen. An indescribable presence infused the train, gave it powers, gave it a purpose . It sat in its' resting place, as it had for months, defying nature to do it's worst.
Its' attention suddenly focused as it sensed a being, no two beings approaching. Were these the chosen ones? Those who would take it to its' final destination? It stared with a thousand non-existent eyes as two ponies approached. Ah, the blue unicorn mare and the brown and white foal! This is it! These were they who would allow it to fulfill its' ultimate purpose, the very act it was created to commit! The entire existence of the Bat-Train boiled down to today, it had no other uses but to delay one pony.
"Th- the Bat-Twain?" Pipsqueak stuttered.
"Indeed, Pip, this machine-soul will take us to Batmare, and your parents."
"But, I don't know how to dwive it, do you?"
"One does not drive the Bat-Train, it goes where it is needed of its' own volition."
"How do you know these things, they're kind of scary!"
"You have no idea what true horror is my friend, it's better that way. We, unfortunately, have gazed too long into the abyss that is the Bat-Train, and have by our error discerned its' true nature."
"Okay, now I'm reawwy scared!"
"Do you want to help save your parents?"
Straightening up, Pip steeled his nerves as best he could and marched right up to the Bat-Train. As he climbed the ladder into the conductors' booth, Poison Joke smiled and shook her head in pity. If only he knew what it meant to enter the cabin of such a thing, he would run screaming. Steeling her own nerves, Poison Joke followed suit.
"Okay, Train , we're both on board, you know what to do."
The stifling silence was broken by a distant rumble as deep in the coal pit an unearthly heat source began to glow.
Jokmare entered the cavernous chamber with her faithful student, Horseplay, at her side. Following behind were the other villains, Mr. Cool being pushed by Two-Tone, as he was still restrained. Slowly they made their way toward two giant cages hanging from the ceiling. The long chains allowed the cages to hang mere hooves off the ground, translating any movement by the prisoner into an hours long swinging session. The brown mare in the cage with her husband had already succumbed to motion sickness. Passing that one by, Jokmare instead made her way to the cage her sister currently occupied.
"Well, it beats the moon, does it not, sister?"
"I have no sister, it's Batmare to you!"
"Oh my, so angry! Perhaps you had a little too much time up there after all." Jokemare tapped her hoof on her chin, pretending to be apologetic.
"You think you're so funny, but this isn't over yet. I've still got a trick or two up my sleeve."
"Oh, your little friends? We thought they might try something. In fact," a wicked grin split Jokemares' face, "we're counting on it!"
"What are you going to do? Leave them out of it, you already have me!"
"You're right, I do have you, but I'm not done with you... I want you to watch what happens. Then, when you're broken, I'll simply let you go." Laughing the most classic evil villain laugh she could muster, Jokemare began to walk away.
"No, noooooooooooo-" Batmares' protestations were cut short by a tremor. "Did anypony else feel that?"
The answer was not long in coming, for the tremor repeated, stronger this time, and when it failed to subside a gleam appeared in Batmares' eyes. The rumbling earth began to shake violently, small rocks cascaded from the ceiling. Soon it was all the villains could do to keep to their hooves, the convulsions had become so powerful. With a final, concussive explosion, a metallic behemoth burst forth from the floor, launching itself into the air before crashing down directly in front of the assembled evildoers.
The grill glowed like the embers of the fires used to torture damned souls, the eight headlights slanted at such an angle they gave the impression of an angry arachnoid elder god glaring from the darkest recesses of space. The remaining metal batwing accents had melted into unrecognizable formless limbs, yet still they seemed to be reaching, grasping...
With a soul-shattering shriek, Polar Mare turned and fled from the room, sobbing. Mr. Cool, still affixed to his chair, attempted to scream through his duct-taped mouth. Despite the limitation, his horrified holler shattered the fishbowl, causing glass shards to explode outward from his head. Finally he slumped in his confinement, unconscious. The Bat-Train, unmoving, somehow managed to smile; 'Two down'.
"Behold," The Great and Powerful Poison Joke posed atop the demonic thing, "the Bat-Train! "
The others proved to be of sterner stuff, however, it appeared they would have to be dispatched manually. Jumping from the train, Poison Joke landed in front of Two-Tone. Pipsqueak clamored down the ladder as best he could. Right as Two-Tone landed her first blow, however, the door to Batmares' cage sprang open. The zebra jumped in surprise as the mare she had hit sublimed into vapor. In its' place, a poison joke flower floated, right where Two-Tone had hit.
"No....Noooooooo!" Two-Tone screamed as she turned completely grey. Staring at her hooves in horror, she curled into the fetal position on the ground. "I cannot be just.... monotone!"
The Happy Hatter ignored all this as she stood apart from the rest, her considerable attention was entirely focused on one point. Before her was the Bat-Train in all its' unholy grandeur. This, truly, was a more colossal conflict than even the alicorn sisters might represent. Two beings not entirely of this world, who laughed at the so called 'laws' they contained. Two depraved forms of what they tried to represent, two entities not really defined or even fully understood. The perverted pony glared at the tainted train, and the train glared back. This was it, this was its' purpose.
Ignoring the two currently inanimate objects, Horseplay cast a magical beam at Poison Joke as she jumped away from the cage. The two mares faced off.
"Hm, just like old times, eh, joke ?"
"Not quite, we've learned a few new tricks since then, horse ."
"You sure talk the same. Why don't you show me what you've got?"
"With pleasure ."
Poison Joke gathered her energy and sent a lance of magical light speeding toward Horseplay. Nonchalantly, the purple mare yawned and cast a simple shield spell.
"Your magic is as weak as ever." Horseplay scoffed as the beam deflected harmlessly away.
As she lowered her shield, however, it imploded, shocking the purple unicorn and singing her fur.
"It would seem you underestimated us," it was the blue unicorns' turn to scoff, "even a novice can detect a simple feedback spell, even one ponybacked onto a light beam!"
The two unicorns once again squared off, slowly circling each other, looking for a weakness.
As soon as the cage door opened, Batmare leapt at her white counterpart, but to no avail. The two powerful alicorns were evenly matched in strength and speed. For one to best the other would be no simple matter.
"This ends now." Batmare declared.
Jokemare narrowed her eyes. "I couldn't agree more."
Suddenly a flower appeared and squirted water in Batmares' face. By the time she cleared her eyes, Jokemare was prancing away from her, laughing hysterically. Growling with anger, the dark mare pursued her nemesis.
The small dragon carefully climbed into the conductors' booth of the 'Train'. Horseplay had given him very specific instructions, and he intended to follow them through. After all, there was a meal in it for him! Walking slowly, since he had to steady himself every few seconds, he made his way to the coal pit.
The jarring interruptions were caused by a pink pony repeatedly bouncing on, biting and bucking the train. Although her attacks did no damage, she persisted, with an enthusiasm born of sheer joy.
"I'm gonna getcha train, if it's the last thing I do! Wheeeeeeee!" the Happy Hatter cried as she slid down the cattle guard.
For its' part, the Bat-Train stood its' ground, just as planned all those years ago. More importantly, it refused to be damaged, keeping the pink pony perpetually occupied. But wait, what was that? Another presence, in the coal pit? No, it couldn't be... a dragon!
Lifting the glowing ember jewel from its' resting place, the dragon lustfully licked his lips, this one looked delicious . With a quick motion he ate the stone in a single bite. Groans of protest emanated from the locomotive, but there was no otherworldly source to the sound, unless you counted a certain pink mare. The mighty belch Spike unleashed was the death knell, the Bat-Train was no more.
The situation was going just about as well for Batmare, the 'water' her sister has squirted in her eyes turned out to be some kind of pepper spray. With her eyes swollen shut, she could do nothing to fend off Jokmares' attacks. Finally, with a mighty blow, the alicorn of the sun knocked the dark mare to the ground. Smiling in the way that a tiger does, as it approaches a prey it knows is defeated, Jokemare stood over her enemy, triumphant.
"And now, my dear Batmare, you will witness your ultimate undoing."
"Do your worst, villainous scum!"
"Where is that sidekick of yours..." Scanning the room, Jokemare finally noticed Pipsqueak, who had made his way to his parents' cage and was currently hugging them as best he could through the bars. "Ah, there he is!"
"Don't you dare hurt him, I will have your head!"
"Tut-tut, Batmare, so violent, I do hope you haven't rubbed off on little Pip too much." Now looking at Pip, she continued. "My dear Pip, do you love your parents?"
Turning away from the cage, a fierce Pipsqueak faced the devious mare. "Of course I do."
"Well, if you say that I am your favorite princess, I'll let them go, unharmed!"
A flabbergasted Batmare gasped in disbelief, slowly her vision was returning. "That's what this is all about? That's why you created all these villains and kidnapped Pips' parents? You didn't want me to have even one pony who liked me better than you?"
"All except that fishbowl one, apparently he's just addicted to nitrous oxide somehow. And dear sister, of course I did all that, I can't have you getting ideas above your station, now, can I?"
Sighing in resignation, Batmare whimpered. "It's okay Pip old chum, you can say it, I understand."
"NO! " Pipsqueak shouted as he stamped his hoof. "You are not my favorite pwincess, you're mean! I'm going to beat you and save my pawents!"
Sighing in mock disappointment, Jokmare turned back to her rival. "Oh well, I can always use his parents to make some glue. What do y-" BLAM!!!
The thundering echo reverberated through the cavern. Everypony within the space paused and stared in shock, even Horseplay stopped biting Poison Jokes' horn. Instantly Jokemares' pupils constricted to pinpoints, then disappeared as they rolled up inside her head. Batmares' vision finally returned in time to see her sister fall to the ground, unmoving. Pipsqueak stood behind the fallen white alicorn, his right hoof extended, trembling. He stared with horror at the grappling gun, his only weapon, a damning cord leading from it to the back of Jokemares' head.
"My son... what- what have you done?" The white stallion in the cage stood, shocked.
The brown mare sobbed, "My baby, oh my poor baby..... he's a good boy, really he is!"
Pip slowly turned his head to look at his parents. "Papa.... Mama.................Mama............."
(To be concluded...)
Batmare and the foal wonder!
Season 2, Chapter one: Batmare returns.
"But Tiaaaaaaaaaaaa , I'm boooorrrrrreeeeddddd !!!" Luna waggled her hooves in the air as her head hung over the edge of her sister's bed. "Can't we play Batmare and Jokemare again? Didn't you like playing with me?"
Celestia sighed and rolled her eyes as she continued brushing her mane in front of an ornate mirror. "Of course I like playing with you LuLu, but I told you, I'm meeting some important diplomats today, I just don't have time! What about that Trixie friend of yours, can't you play with her?"
"What do you think I was doing these past three days? I've run out of ideas and her body needs a break... stupid mortals."
"What about that little colt? Technically he isn't even supposed to be in jail, you know. I'm sure he'd be delighted to play with you."
"Oh my gosh! I totally forgot about Pipsqueak! ... Meh, I'll let him out later. Can't you play... pleeeeeaaaaasssseee ?"
"I suppose I could cut your year off short and you could resume your Royal Duties now ."
"Oh! No... that won't be necessary. I'm still adjusting to modern Equestria! I'm sure I'll find something to do. Have fun with your dumb -plomats, sister."
"I thought you might see reason, have fun!"
Luna stuck her tongue out at her sister as she walked out of the bedroom. Quietly seething, she stalked to the gardens to calm down. How dare her sister just leave her like that? She had spent a thousand years holed up in the moon, she needed help re-integrating into society. Ugh! Tia just didn't understand... but then, nopony understands what it feels like to be alone for a thousand years. Well... almost nopony... Luna stopped and looked up at the statue of Discord, god of Chaos. Hmm...
Sixty two marks lined the wall in Pipsqueak's jail cell. He wasn't sure why, but every hour, a guard would come by and scratch a new mark with a screwdriver. Something about 'dramatic effect'. He sighed, it wasn't a bad place, not really. Good food, the other inmates kind of adopted him as a mascot so he never got beat up, and best of all was visitation. He finally got to see his parents! Every day for a whole hour! Yep, life in the slammer wasn't too bad... but he knew it wouldn't last, he'd have to get out eventually. This was no place for a foal to grow up. According to the warden, if Luna didn't come to claim him in seventy-two hours, the adoption would be declared void by 'Royal Boredom' and Pip would be released to his parents! He felt a little sad that the Princess was bored with him, but the feeling soon passed.
Finally making up her mind, Luna began to focus on the statue. Slowly at first, cracks began to appear, releasing only the head from it's stone imprisonment. Discord blinked for a moment, as if awakening from a deep sleep.
"Wha-? Oh, my , why good morning, LuLu!"
"Only my sister can call me that any more, Discord!"
"Aww, so impersonal! I guess that means I'm not 'Dizzy' anymore, then?"
"No!"
"Okay, okay. So why did you free me then?"
"I haven't freed you yet, Dizzy- IMEANDISCORD!"
"Bwa ha ha , looks like I've still got it! Yes, I see my body still seems a bit stiff, so what is it you want?"
"I'm bored, and Tia won't play with me, so I've got a proposition."
An evil smile spread across Discord's face, and if he could have, he would have leaned forward in interest. "I'm ALL ears!"
"I want to play Batmare some more, but my sister is too busy to play with me. So if you agree to follow the rules, I'll let you out of your prison for a while. You'll get to play around and have fun, and so will I. The number one rule is you have to go back to your prison if I tell-"
"Rules? What fun are rules , my dear LuLu? I think I will accept your invitation to play... with one amendment... No rules!
With that, a magical burst blinded Luna, when she could see again, the head of Discord's statue was gone. "...oops."
As the scene freezes, a red unicorn stallion with yellow mane and tail walks on-screen and clears his throat. In a classic anouncer-pony voice he proceeds...
"What's this? The King of Chaos let out by our very own caped crusader? With Discord out, all the rules really are out the window this time. And what of the foal wonder? Will he be released to his prospective, and proper, parents? Or will Batmare summon her old chum back to her side? Will Batmare defeat the dizzying destructiveness of Discord?
Find out next time, same Bat-time! Same Mare-Channel! "
Batmare and the foal wonder!
Season 2, Chapter two: Breaking out.
Princess Luna frantically shaped a rock to match the statue's missing head. If her sister ever found out she set Discord free, even just a part of him, she'd likely send Luna to the sun. She would be toast... literally!
"Princess? Um... what are you doing?" The head froze in place inches above the statue. So close!
"Ah, Twilight, good to see you! I'm just putting this statue's head back on; it seems I knocked it off. Clumsy me!"
"Wait, that's the statue of Discord... it's a magically created prison! You couldn't knock a peice of it off with a wrecking ball!"
"Are you calling me fat ?"
"What? No! Stop changing the subject... you released Discord, didn't you?"
"Just his head... it was an accident."
"How can you accidentally release the God of Chaos's head? Actually, how can he survive without a body?"
"Maybe he's like a salamander."
"What?"
"You know, you cut their head off and the body grows back?"
"Princess, I am absolutely positive that is not how salamanders work."
"...Oh... so that's why Slimy died!"
"You... you cut off your pet salamander's head?"
"It was an experiment. Slimy died in the name of science."
"That's not science! That's animal cruelty!"
"You say 'potato' I say 'potatoe'."
"Animal cruelty is not science, and you just said 'potato' twice."
"I like potatoes. This is getting us nowhere, look you have to promise not to tell Celestia."
"But... I'm her most faithful student! I can't lie to her!"
"You don't have to, just don't tell her. I'll handle Discord's head."
"What, by yourself?"
"No... I'm going to need backup for this one... and I know just the pony for the job!"
"Pipsqueak?"
"Who? Oh, yeah... him too. Where is he, anyway?"
"He was sent to prison as part of the finale. You were supposed to give him a ride home."
"Oh, right. Well it looks like..." Sunglasses magically appear over Luna's eyes. "...this sentence is over!"
"Oh not this manure again."
Pipsqueak watched in excitement as the guard scratched the sixty-eighth mark on the cell wall. Only a few more hours and he would be free! Finally back with his parents, too! But the guard didn't leave. Instead he turned and smiled at the small colt.
"Well, looks like that's it."
"What's it?"
"You're being released early, you're free to go!"
"Really? That's gweat!"
"Yep, your parent's here to pick you up."
He was finally going to be reunited with his parents, too! Could this day get any better? Pip was literally skipping as the guard escorted him out of the prison. The skipping ceased suddenly, however, as they rounded the final bend. There was Princess Luna, in all her radiant glory, waiting for him. The tiny foal slowed to a walk, visibly shaken by this unexpected turn. Hadn't the princess forgotten about him?
"Ah! Pip old chum, am I glad to see you!"
"I thought you forgot about me, just left me hewe to rot."
"What? Of course not! I had to cut through all kinds of red tape just to get you released. You did attempt to assassinate Celestia after all."
"Well... okay. It's good to see you too, pwincess." Pip managed a smile despite his dissapointment. He was glad she hadn't simply forgotten about him, at least.
"There's danger ahoof, old friend, and I need your help right away!"
"Danger? Is Jokmare back?"
"Not yet, Pip, this is something else... something far more dangerous. Discord has escaped!"
"What? How?"
"I may have accidentally let his head out."
Pipsqueak tried to make sense of the sentence, but ultimately decided he didn't want to. "Oh."
"Don't worry old boy, I've learned from my mistakes! I have a few new 'toys' for you to play with back at the Bat-cave." Luna gave Pip a conspirational wink.
The foal wonder shuddered. "They aren't anything like the toys you gave Alfalfared, are they?"
The alicorn actually blushed. "What? No! How do you know about those? Never mind, we must make haste old chum, to the Bat-cave!"
With that, Luna heroically dashed away from the embarassing scene. Pipsqueak just shook his head and followed at a steady trot. Discord? Wasn't he a god? Well, he had faced a god before... and actually kind of won! If he could get rid of the draconequus, maybe Luna would finally get bored and let him see his parents. That settled it:
"One god of chaos... coming up!"
Discord's invisible head floated by the prison's exit, watching the foal trot away. He imagined he was bridging his fingers. "Oh really? How interesting ..."
What's this? It seems like the dynamic duo is back in action. But will the world's greatest mare-tective and her trusty chum be able to stop Discord while he's still ahead? Will Twilight keep quiet about her little tete a tete with Luna? Or will Jokemare come out of hiatus to put her little sister in the slammer next to Pip?
The only way to find out is to stay tuned! Same Bat-time, same mare-channel!
Batmare and the foal wonder!
Season 2, Chapter three: Lending a hoof.
Discord's disembodied head drifted, directionless. There wasn't much else it could do. This was a situation that needed rectifying. If he was going to have any fun, Discord needed a body, but not just any body. That little Pipsqueak fellow would be worthless, too small! It might be fun to take over Celestia, but she had a nasty habit of kicking him out when he wasn't paying attention, which was quite often. No, he needed somepony big, strong and stupid; at least to start.
Looking around, Discord's head realized he was in an apple orchard. He stretched out his senses to try and find a candidate. A small filly, too flighty to be of any real use at the moment. Oooh- the element of honesty! What a coincidence! She was quite strong, if he remembered correctly, well physically strong, anyway. As he neared his target, however, he noticed another presence; large, quiet, slow... perfect!
He raced to his new target, a large red stallion with an orange mane and tail. The pony was in the process of pulling a plow through rich soil. Observing his victim closely, Discord realized he wouldn't have to do much. This particular earth pony was very susceptible to mind-control magic, all he had to do was make contact! The draconequus thought for a moment... fingers? Nope. Tail? Nada. Toes? Negatory. What was he going to touch the darn pony with ? Sighing in resignation, Discord stuck out his tongue and licked the earth pony behind his ear. Blegh!
The stallions coat and mane turned a sickly pale hue, their former color a faded memory. His muscles bulged with unnatural might, augmented by arcane energies. His eyes became unfocused as his mind was no longer his own. Big Macintosh? No, that name would no longer do... for too long the royal sisters had been the bane of his existence, he needed something more menacing. Wait, that's it! This stallion would become a source of misery to Discord's imprisoners! From now on, he would be known as Bane !
"Ah, Master Pip, so good to see you again!" Alfalfared cheerfully greeted. "And Mistress Luna, we trust your visit with your sister went well?"
"Not quite as well as I had hoped, Alfalfared. It seems sister is too busy to participate in our simulations."
"A shame, what then shall we do?"
"I've found a new participant. Our nemesis will now be the head of one 'Discord'."
"Are you out of your little pony mind !?" Alfalfared blurted before jamming a hoof in her mouth.
Luna raised an eyebrow. "I find your lack of faith disturbing. I think we can handle just the head. How hard could it be?"
"O-of course. Our apologies mistress. Shall we abscond to the Bat-Cave, then?"
"Naturally, I have a few things to show Pipsqueak."
"Oh but mistress, I thought we were to wait until Master Pip was of age?"
Luna smacked her head with a hoof. "Not that , you ninny! The new prototypes!"
And so the trio made their way into Luna's private office. Pulling a book on the bookshelf on the far wall, Alfalfared activated a secret switch and three firemare poles revealed themselves. Sliding down, the three emerged, now fully dressed in their respective superhero outfits.
"Oh, that's new!" Pipsqueak spoke up for the first time.
"Do you like it? It's a little spell we came up with ourselves." Alfalfared, now Poison Joke, answered.
"Yeah, what else you got?"
"Come with me, old chum, and find out!" Batmare called as she walked down the Bat-Hallway.
"Poison Joke?"
"Yes, Pipsqueak?"
"Why does Batmare's rubber suit have nipples now?"
"Aesthetics, Pip, aesthetics."
Twilight paced frantically back and forth, her mane was starting to show signs of frazzling. Already a path was worn into the wood floor of the library.
"No no no no no no no... this is bad!" Stopping suddenly, she posed heroically. "I must tell Celestia!" Then drooped once more. "But I promised Luna I wouldn't. Oh what to do, what to do?"
A purple dragon walked in. "Jeeze Twilight, what are you getting all worked up about?"
"Spike! I need your help! Princess Luna set Discord's head free but I promised not to tell Celestia but I want to because I'm scared and-"
"Woah! Slow down there! You're starting to sound like Pinkie Pie. Did you say Discord has been set free? We really should tell the princess."
"Just his head. And there are two princesses now, Spike."
"Just his head? How does he survive? He must be like a worm..."
"I- what?"
"You know, if you cut a worm in half it turns into two worms!"
"That's not true, it just dies. Oh, Spike, don't tell me you've been running around cutting worms in half."
"What, me? No way! I have way too much important stuff to do!" Twilight glared at her assistant. "Okay, maybe a few..."
"Ugh... never mind. Spike, I can't just go tell Celestia! She'll ask why I didn't tell her right away, I'll be evicted from the academy! We have to take care of this ourselves."
"We?"
Twilight's hair finally gave up and went all out crazy, matching the gleam in her eyes. She began to giggle. "That's right Spike. We . We can't let puddin' know we let her down, but we can't stop Discord on our own. So we round up some help from the gang!"
"Th- the gang?"
"Sure, darlin'! Jokemare's old gang, back together again! Only angel won't know about it, 'cause if she did, we'd be fish food!"
Spike swallowed nervously. "I don't know about this, Twilight."
The purple mare grinned confidently, maniacally. "Call me... Horseplay ."
Uh oh, this doesn't look too good for our heroes. Will Horseplay and Jokemare's old allies bring down our heroes high? Will Batmare and Pipsqueak be able to face Discord's power house puppet, Bane? Will Big Mac be able to break out of Discord's control? Will Discord ever get the taste of Big Macintosh's ear wax out of his mouth?
There's only one way to find out! Keep tuning in, same Bat-time, same Mare-channel!
Batmare and the foal wonder!
Season 2, Chapter four: Suiting up.
As our heroic trio entered the Bat-Cave proper, they passed the trophies of their conquests. A shattered fishbowl placed in a rolling cooler, one of princess Celestia's hoofboots, and in a place of honor, the shattered and twisted wreckage of the Bat-Train; now a cold and lifeless shell. The deeper recesses of the cave held the promise of better things, so onward they marched. Eventually, the three entered a large laboratory, with gadgets and gizmos strewn about in various stages of assembly.
"In our previous engagement with the Jokemare, I realized Pip here needs a few more options in weaponry. I've been spending the past few days ordering Equestria's best scientist to come up with some ideas for me. This , filly and gentlefoal..." Sweeping a hoof in an all encompassing arc, Luna proclaimed," is the Bat-Lab!"
Pip stared in wide eye wonder. "Wow, Batmare, you've been busy !"
"Indeed. Let's see what he's got for us. Dr. Ryder! Hello?"
Out of the darkness an abomination crept forth. Green, melted skin and a lab coat covered an upright body. Supported by four squat legs, it almost appeared as if it still had hooves, but all were deformed amalgamations of their former selves. The thing's face was frozen in a rictus of horror, hollow eyes stared unblinking. Yet, somehow, this revolting beast still had a familiar horn, which now glowed as it lifted some items and set them on a table in front of Batmare.
"D-Dr. Jack Ryder everypony... I think."
"Jack Ryder? You mean the talk show pony? He's not a doctor or
"He's reawwy quiet, it's kind of cweepy."
"Yes Pip old boy, I agree! Sorry Jack, but from now on you'll be Dr. Creeper !"
The good doctor hissed his assent.
Looking at the table, Batmare levitated one of the items toward the trio.
"That looks neat... what is it?" Pip had to put his forehooves on the table to see.
"That's easy old chum! It's a... that is... it... um...."
Hissing in impatience, Dr. Creeper took the item out of Batmare's magical grip and into his own. Carefully taking aim, he sprayed a solution onto the ground at Poison Joke's feet.
"Hey! Why are you spraying us? Stop tha- wooooah!" Unable to keep her hooving, the mare fell to the ground with a 'thump'.
"Sliding snakes, Batmare, that's some slippery stuff!"
Rubbing her hoof on her chin, Batmare looked at the spray gun thoughtfully. "Yes... yes it is... An appropriate target, doctor, I shall conduct my own experiments later..." The princess took the gun back. "in my chambers..."
Putting the gun into her belt, the Dark Nightmare levitated the next item.
"We don't suppose that item cleans this mess up?" Poison Joke asked hopefully.
"Quiet, you, or I shall spray you a second time-a!"
Once again, Luna turned the object around. Once again, Dr. Creeper grew impatient and demonstrated the product himself. He levitated the backpack onto Pipsqueak and pulled a cord on the top. Two bat-like wings popped out, ready for flight. A bit sprang out from the pack, as well, positioning itself in front of Pip's mouth. Tentatively biting down, Pip found he could control the wings. No more crash landings for him!
"Oh, now that's useful Master Pip!" Poison Joke remembered the sad state Pip had been in after his last 'high impact' landing.
Deciding to cut out the middle mare, Dr. creeper simply demonstrated the last device himself. It was a simple remote control with a single, red button. Still, the doctor doubted Batmare's ability to handle even this cognitive puzzle. Pressing the button, Dr. Creeper set the device down and waited. After a few seconds, the entire Bat-Cave began to tremble as the far wall of the lab began to separate. Slowly, the wall slid open with a rumbling protest, revealing a large, shadowy object, emanating a familiar red glow from the bottom.
A feeling of malevolence and dread instantly flooded the lab as the entirety of the construct became visible.
"But... but we thought it was dead! Didn't Spike..." Poison Joke was unable to finish. It couldn't be, this horrible essence...
"Ah, yes, they had to pump the poor dear's stomach. Gave him quite the bit of indigestion and food poisoning." Batmare stated matter-of-factly.
Poison shuddered at the very thought of something giving a dragon food poisoning.
Before them was the same menacing glow. The execration of existence, the jewel that should not be! Bonded now to a mechanical monstrosity that dwarfed even the mighty Bat-Train!
Horseplay smiled as she neared the cottage, the only other house-tree in Ponyville. Her first ally needed to be somewhat predictable, that ruled out Pinkie, for the time being. The unicorn knocked softly, so as not to disturb the occupants.
"Coming!" A soft voice called, barely audible through the thick wooden door. "Oh, hello... Twilight?" Fluttershy asked, as she opened the door.
"Nope, it's Horseplay this time."
"Oh, how nice. Um... hello Horseplay."
"Hiya! Mind if I come in? Thanks!" Without waiting for an answer, the purple pony pushed past her pusillanimous pal.
"Um... actually, if you don't mind. I... oh, okay."
"So Discord's back, but Celestia can't know or she'll send me to the moon. I need you to be Polar Mare again, okay?"
"Oh, that's terrible! But I can't be Polar Mare, I don't ever want to be that mean again. I'm sorry Twilight... oh, um, Horseplay."
"Well, okay, thought I'd ask. Just don't come running to me when Discord starts causing chaos with the climate! Think of all those poor Polar Bears and Penguins, suffering from heat exhaustion! Oh well, nothing you can do!" Horseplay began to happily prance out of the house when Fluttershy stopped her.
"No !" Already her fur, mane and tail were beginning to turn a pure, snowy white. "There is something I can do! And you're going to help me!"
"Woah there, missy. I'm the boss of this here operation, see?" Horseplay raised an eyebrow as she pointed a hoof to her chest.
"Not anymore, not when there are cute, polar-based creatures to protect! I've got a plan, and I'm going to carry it out my way, with or without you."
"Sorry Polar Mare , but if that's how it's gonna be, you're on your own."
**That * didn't turn out as planned.* Horseplay thought to herself as she trotted angrily away from Polar Mare's lair. I just * know** Zecora will see things my way.*
The door to the Carousel Boutique shattered under Bane's powerful kick.
"Oh my goodness! What is the meaning of this?" Rarity demanded, slightly fearful. "B-Big Macintosh?"
With a mixture of Discord's voice and his own, Bane spoke. "I am now Bane. Answer my riddle and I'll leave you be." Apparently, Big Macintosh was fond of riddles... Discord found this intriguing, as he had written up the stallion as an oaf. Spending some time in the brute's brain had given him the idea to start using them himself. It would be so much fun!
"What do you mean? Why did you break my door?"
Ignoring the question, Bane spoke. "I have come for neither dress nor jewel, yet what I wish to claim has great value."
"I... my sewing equipment?"
"Wrong... Rarity, I have come for you ."
"Oh, my... this is all so sudden!" Rarity blushed as Bane closed the gap between them. Her heart raced, he was so forceful, so daring! "Oh, but darling, I'm so sorry! I'm simply not that way! There is another...oh !"
Bane pushed Rarity to the floor and stood over her. The unicorn's eyes widened as she realized this wasn't a situation where she could say no. She began to tremble, "B- Bane, please , not like this..." She squeezed her eyes shut as Bane leaned closer.
Discord rolled his eyes, the poor thing really was scared. Deciding to get this over with, he licked her horn. "Bane, no! Oh... that does feel good." The vibrant purple of Rarity's mane and tail were now muted. She opened her eyes and stood, pushing Bane to one side. "Very good..." Discord raised an eyebrow, his corrupting influence unerringly worked to sway ponies in the direction he wanted, but the effect was always different. It kept things interesting. The unicorn mare sauntered over to a table and folded some black cloth, which she placed on her head. The effect was not unlike giving her a pair of cat ears. "In fact... it makes me want to purr ."
Uh oh, looks like our heroes are going to have their hooves full! Will Horseplay be able to get back up from any of the old Rouges? What is Polar Mare's chilling plan? Will Discord, Bane, and this strangely catty Rarity take over Ponyville? Why don't any of you ever answer my questions?
To mine out this mystery, you'll have to stay tuned. Same Bat-time, same Mare-channel!
Batmare and the foal wonder!
Prologue: It was a dark and stormy night!
A dark figure melted into being on top of the tallest building in Trotham. Rain soaked the dreary city night like the tears of a scorned lover. As the figure gazed out upon the dismal scene a lone, barely audible scream pierced the hiss of the shower.
“The city screams for me…” a dark feminine voice enunciated, “and I must scream back.”
A small, brightly clad (in a target motif), and even more brightly lit figure trotted up to the side of the dark mare.
“Gee, pwincess, I don’t see how screamin’s gonna help anypony.”
Luna stared at her oblivious, and festively lit, companion in contempt.
“It’s ‘Batmare’. I have to protect my identity, Pipsqueak, there are all kinds of bad ponies out there!”
“But what about my identity, Pri- Batmare?”
“Everypony knows screaming scares villains, especially when it’s not coming from their victims. That old chum, is why I should, neigh, must scream to the night!”
“But if the bad ponies know who I am they’ll-“
“AWWAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!” Batmare screamed as she launched herself from the rooftop, quickly flying in the general direction of the suspect noise.
Pipsqueak sighed as he lifted his right hoof and took careful aim at his favorite princess.
‘BLAM ’; A grappling hook shot out and latched on to Batmares’ rear hoof. The line suddenly went taut and yanked the diminutive sidekick into the night sky. He really didn’t mind being dragged along everywhere, she really was his favorite, he just wished she wouldn’t forget he was there, especially during the landings.
Coming soon to a fanfic near you…
BATMARE! (And Pipsqueak the foal wonder!)
Batmare and the foal wonder!
Epilogue: Nothing really matters.
Edit: Play the song 'Bohemian Rhapsody' by Queen while reading for best results.
Link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KsZb99ITkvI
Lines written together happen simultaneously.
Lines written together happen simultaneously.
Lines written apart
happen in sequence.
Black text is narration.
Brown text is Pipsqueak.
Blue text is Batmare, Poison Joke and Horseplay. And later Jokemare.
Purple text is Batmare.
Pink text is Jokemare.
Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?
Caught in a landslide, No escape from reality
Open your eyes, Look up to the skies and see,
I'm just a poor boy, I need no sympathy,
ooooooooooooooo, poooor booooy
Because I'm easy come, easy go, Little high, little low,
Any way the wind blows doesn't really matter to me, to me
oooooo the wind blows
Mama, I just killed a mare, Put a gun against her head, pulled my trigger now she's dead
Mama... life had just begun, But now I've gone and thrown it all away
Mamaaaaa oooh, Didn't mean to make you cry,
If I'm not back again this time tomorrow, Carry on, carry on as if nothing really matters
Two guards walk into the room, and slowly approach Pipsqueak, as if to arrest him.
Too late, my time has come, Sends shivers down my spine, body's aching all the time
Goodbye, everypony, I've got to go, Got to leave you all behind and face the truth
Mamaaaaa oooh, I don't want to die, I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all
Any way the wind blows
During the guitar solo, everypony raises a hoof and starts to headbang vigorously. Unseen by Pip, Jokemare gets up and joins the back up singers.
I see a little silhouetto of a foal, Scaramouche! Scaramouche! will you do the Fandango?!
Thunderbolt and lightning, very, very frightening me!
Galileo, Galileo
Galileo, Galileo
Galileo, Figaro - magnifico
Galileo, Figaro
I'm just a poor boy, nobody loves me
He's just a poor boy from a poor family, Spare him his life from this monstrosity!
Easy come, easy go, will you let me go Bismilah! No, we will not let you go
(Let him go!) Bismilah! We will not let you go (Let him go!) Bismilah! We will not let you go
(Let me go) Will not let you go (Let me go)(Never) Never let you go
(Let me go) Never let you go (Let me go) Ah No, no, no, no, no, no, no
Oh mama mia, mama mia, mama mia, let me go
Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me, for me, for meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
So you think you can stop me and spit in my eye?!?! So you think you can love me and leave me to die?!?!
Oh, baby, can't do this to me, baby, Just gotta get out, just gotta get right outta here!
During the guitar solo, the guard ponies slowly start to escort Pipsqueak out of the room, the rest follow.
Nothing really matters, anypony can see, nothing really matters, nothing really matters
to meee...
Any way the wind blows...
fin.
