Just got done saving the Mojave, time to hang out with ponies
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Just got done saving the Mojave, time to hang out with ponies
“OOOOOOHHH GOOOOOOD!” The Courier made a hole half a foot deep and the shape of his body when he impacted the ground. He lifted himself up out of the hole with his arms. “I’m really starting to regret having the Auto Doc put my spine back in, a robot spine would be pretty cool right about now.”
The Courier put a hand to his helmet. “Also the tesla coil brain replacement would be useful right now, Brain, if you ever get taken outta me again, this is an apology for right now in advance.”
He looked around for his things, most of which were weapons. With him was his favorite pistol, Lucky, a black and gold .357 Magnum revolver, his Multiplas rifle, a unique, rare, one of a kind model of a plasma rifle, an Anti-materiel rifle hand crafted by the Gun Runners, a Fat Man capable of firing all different types of mini nukes, also crafted by the Gun Runners, a Bowie knife for close encounters of the dangerous kind, though he was such a good shot the enemy rarely got close enough to the point where he would actually need to use it, 3 Holy Frag Grenades, and quite most importantly the Elite riot gear armor and helmet he was wearing, a life time supply of Rad-X, RadAway, stimpaks and other essential medical supplies, and the Transportalponder, which had been crushed when the Courier landed on it.
The Courier brought up the world map on his Pip-Boy 3000. “Map unavailable? What go you mean ‘map unavailable’? YOU CONNECT TO PRE-WAR NAV SATTELITES, HOW CAN THE MAP BE UNAVAILABLE?”
He switched to the data section and selected radio; he had no idea why, but he switched it to Radio New Vegas. “And then there suddenly appeared before me, the only one my arms will ever hold, I heard somebody whisper please adore me, and when I looked the moon had turned to gold! Blue moon now I’m no longer alone, without a dream in my heart, without a love of my own!” The Courier just stood there, questioning how this was possible. “I love this song, but you’ve gotta be kidding me.”
He looked around and saw he was in a forest. “Well, I have been in weirder and creepier places, I’d take anything over the Sierra Madre.” He shivered as he recalled those events. Being trapped in a 200 year-old casino, with 50% of it being covered in a cloud of toxic gas, the other 50% being inhabited by the Ghost People and security holograms, and having to escape the place while wearing a bomb collar that he and 3 other people were wearing, all while following some crazy ass plan thought up by some crazy ass old guy was not a pleasant thing to recall.
He picked a direction and decided to walk in it. “ALLONS-Y!”
“Why did we think we could get a cutie mark in hydra wrangling?” Scootaloo asked Apple Bloom as they ran away from the hydra, a creature with a dragon body and five snake heads.
“It seemed lika good idea at the time!” Apple Bloom replied. “Can you two stop arguing and concentrate on the hydra?” Sweetie Belle said with a hint of agitation in her voice.
“AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!” The three fillies screamed as the hydra slammed one of its heads into the ground in front of them.
“Well this is it girls. Ahm sorry Ah got y’all into this mess, now we’re all gonna die without even gettin’ our cutie marks!” Apple Bloom’s eyes started to tear up as the three Cutie Mark Crusaders cuddled up in a small ball of adorableness.
“It’s okay Apple Bloom,” Sweetie Belle said “We’ve had fun haven’t we?” “Yeah Bloom, we had a good time.” Scootaloo said, sadness in her voice.
The Courier walked through the forest singing along to the songs on the radio, which some how still worked wherever he was. “I got spurs that jingle jangle jingle, as I go ridin’ merrily along, and they sing 'Oh ain't ya glad you're single'
and that song ain't so very far from wrong.”
“AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!” The Courier heard off in the distance. “Wait, that was screaming, where there’s screaming there’s people, where there’s screaming people there’s danger, and where there’s people in danger there’s the Courier to shoot, disintegrate, and blow the danger into tiny bits!”
The Courier followed the sound of the scream, which brought him to a clearing in a bog, what he see saw confuzzled him greatly, there, in the clearing, were three miniature horses, a pale yellow one with a red mane and tail and a pink tie in its mane, an orange one with wings and a purple mane and tale, and a white one with a horn and a light purple and pink mane and tale, all huddled up in a ball in front of a big, five headed… thing. The Courier, not one to sit idly by while crime and injustice were going unpunished, thought up the stupidest plan of his twenty five year long existence.
“Hey! You’re so fat that when you broke your arm gravy came ou-OHHH SHIIIIIIIIT” The Courier was smacked to the ground by one of the heads on the five-headed thing.
“Tis but a scratch.” He pulled out the Anti-materiel rifle and loaded it with explosive rounds; he had to stop this thing from killing the three little embodiments of adorableness.
“AAAAAAHHHH!!!” The three little fillies screamed as one of the heads of the hydra exploded in gory meaty chunks.
“What just happened?” Scootaloo asked in shock and horror.
“Ah don’t know!” Apple Bloom said, as confused as she was frightened.
“WHO CARES? JUST RUN!” The two other fillies heeded Sweetie Belle’s words of wisdom.
The Courier stepped out of the bushes, well it was more like a poorly maintained shrubbery, and stood in the most badass pose ever.
The three adorable, little… things stopped dead in their tracks.
The three fillies stared in awe at the weird thing that stood on its hind legs before them. It had glowing red eyes held a long metal tube in its right claw and a metal cylinder on its left, it looked down upon them with its bright red glowing eyes.
“What are you?” The Courier asked, not being able to think of anything better to say.
The orange one with wings was the first one to speak. “By Celestia that was awesome! You just came outta nowhere and saved us! That’s just so cool and awesome and cool and,” The white one with the horn put a hoof over the orange ones mouth. “Scootaloo! Be quiet! It blew up the hydra, what makes you think it wont do the same to us?!”
The yellow one spoke next. “Ah think if it wanted to blow us all up it woulda done it by now.” The Courier laughed at the yellow ones southern accent, thinking it was the most adorably hilarious thing he had ever heard.
“What makes you think I would do that?” The three cutest things in the universe stopped arguing and looked up at him.
“You can talk?” The white horned one looked up at him with its mouth agape.
“I was just about to ask you the same thing.”
“Are ya gonna blow us all up?” The yellow southern one asked.
“Why would I go through the trouble of saving you all just to kill you later?”
The orange one spoke up. “Because you’re an alien that’s been sent here to steal our brains and invade the planet?” She looked at him as if it was the most obvious thing in the universe.
“Not an alien, besides, if I was, why would I want your brains?” The Courier crossed his arms.
“Fine then, you’re not an alien.” She said in defeat
“So, uh, what are your names?”
“Ah’m Apple Bloom!” The southern yellow one said.
“Scootaloo!” The orange one buzzed her tiny adorable wings, lifting herself a foot into the air.
“And I’m Sweetie Belle.” Said the white horned one.
“AND TOGETHER WE’RE THE CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS!” The three said in unison.
The Courier grinned inside his helmet at the sheer adorableness.
“So we told ya our names, now you tell us yours.” Apple Bloom demanded.
“They call me the Courier of the Mojave Wasteland.” He said with a hint of pride and badassery in his voice.
“What’s a mohayve wasteland?” Scootaloo asked.
“It’s where I’m from, it used to be called the Mojave Desert, but now it’s called the Mojave Wasteland.”
“It’s pronounced moe ha vay Scoots.” Sweetie belle corrected.
“Yeah, whatever.”
“So why’s it not called the Mojave Desert anymore?” Sweetie asked.
“If I’m gonna tell you we better start heading to wherever it is you’re going.”
“We live in Ponyviille, it’s north of here.”
“War. War never changes. When atomic fire consumed the earth, those who survived did so in great, underground vaults. When they opened, the newfags set out across ruins of the old world to build new societies, establish new villages, form new tribes.
As decades passed, what had been the American southwest united beneath the flag of the New California Republic, dedicated to old-world values of democracy and the rule of law, and screwing people over by taking their land and money. As the Republic grew, so did its needs. Scouts spread east, seeking territory and wealth, in the dry and merciless expanse of the Mojave Desert. They returned with tales of a city untouched by the warheads that had butt raped the rest of the world, and a huge ass wall spanning the Colorado River.
The NCR mobilized its army of poorly trained and poorly payed soldiers and sent it east to occupy the Hoover Dam, and restore it to working condition. But across the Colorado, another society had arisen under a different flag. A vast army of slaves, rapists, murderers, and other different types of not nice douchebags, forged in the conquest of 86 tribes: Caesar's Legion.
Four years have passed since the Republic held that huge ass Dam - just barely - against the Legion's onslaught. The Legion did not retreat. Across the river, they gathered strength. Campfires burned, training drums beat, like the campers they are.
Through it all, the New Vegas Strip has stayed open for business under the control of its mysterious overseer, Mr House, and his army of rehabilitated Tribals and police robots, because hey, even when the world has gone to shit, theyre's still gonna be some rich dickhead trying to scam poor people out of their money.
I was a courier, hired by the Mojave Express, to deliver a package to the New Vegas Strip. What seemed like a simple delivery job had taken a turn… for the seriously deep pile of shit.”
The three fillies walked next to him with their adorable little mouths open.
“What happened?” Scootaloo asked.
“What happened? I was shot in the head and buried in a shallow grave, I woulda been dead if it wasn’t for Victor.”
Apple Bloom butted in. “Hang on there jus’ a minute, Ah don’t know what ya got shot in yer head with, but Ah’m 95% sure you’d be dead.”
“So was I, can I finish my story now? Good. So as I was saying,” The Courier was cut off one again, this time by Sweetie Belle.
“Who’s Victor?”
“A cowboy robot, now can I plea,”
This time Scootaloo interrupted. “What’s a cowboy?”
The Courier had the sound of agitation in his voice. “A person who rides horses and has a lasso, now can I please finish my story?”
High above on a cloud, Rainbow Dash, the fastest flyer in Equestria, was snoozing on a cloud when she was awoken to the sound of laughing fillies. She poked her head over the side of the cloud. She saw the CMC walking out of the Everfree Forest, now Rainbow Dash, being the responsible mare she is flew down towards them.
“Hey! What do you kids think your doing in the Everfree Forest? Don’t you know how dangerous it is in there?”
Scootaloo being Rainbow Dash’s number one fan was the first one of the three to speak up. “Uh, we’re not doing anything, why would you think we’re doing anything?”
The Courier came walking out of the forest. “Is that a cyan coated pegasus with a rainbow mane and tail?”
Rainbow Dash flew as fast as she could into the Courier, knocking him down.
The Courier pulled out his bowie knife in self-defense of course, he didn’t actually want to hurt the most awesomest pony in all of Equestria. He dodged her hooves as they tried to punch his perfectly chiseled lady magnet of a face, which was protected by his super awesome helmet of badassery, when suddenly a loud roar came out of the forest. Both the Courier and Rainbow Dash stopped their battle of the ages and turned to face the new threat. It was a manticore, a creature with the head of a lion, the body of a dragon, and the tail of a scorpion.
“ATTACK!!!” The Courier yelled as he fired off bullets in the direction of the manticore. It roared tried to stab the Courier with its tail.
“RUN AWAY!!!”
The Courier and the four ponies hid behind a large rock. The manticore was only a few dozen metres behind them.
"Okay, we're being chased by the retarded offspring of five radscoprions that had butt sex with a deathclaw". The Courier said.
"Well do you have a plan, whatever you are?" Rainbow Dash asked.
"No, not yet, I haven't finished talking."
"Well hurry up."
"Okay, yes, right. You, rainbow haired thing, protect these three, if anything bad happens to them I'll hold you personally responsible twice."
"Fine,what are you going to do?!" Rainbow Dash yelled.
"I dunno, I'll do a thing."
"What thing?"
"It's a thing in progress, respect the thing."
"Ah yes of course! I have the Holy Frag Grenade!" The Courier pulled out one of his three Holy Frag Grenades from a pocket in the coat of his Elite Riot gear.
The manticore burst through the bushes roaring in pain from the bullet wounds the Courier had given it.
The manticore roared again. The Courier ran out from behind the rock.
"Hey look at me I'm a target!" He yelled as he waved his arms around. The manticore roared in the Courier's general direction.
"First take out the pin, then count to five, no, wait, three."
The manticore ran towards the Courier with great speed.
"One. Two. Five! No wait, three!" The Courier lobbed the Holy Frag Grenade at the manticore, which then proceeded to be blown into tiny bits.
"And that's how we get shit done in the Mojave!" The Courier flipped off the tiny bits of exploded manticore.
Rainbow Dash and the Cutie Mark Crusaders poked their heads up from behind the rock.
"You killed it?" Rainbow Dash asked.
"Yeah." The Courier replied like it was no big deal.
"How could you do that?" She was pissed.
"Well I pulled the pin, then I threw it at the retarded offspring of five radscorpions that had butt sex with a deathclaw."
"How many other things have you killed?" She asked with anger in her voice.
"Including other people?"
"People?"
"I'll take that as a yes. At least five hundred of everything, excluding the two things I've killed since I got here."
"Wait you've killed other things here?" She sounded even more pissed.
"Yeah, the five headed lizard thing, how do you think I met those three?" He said casually.
"He did save our lives." Scootaloo said.
"Wait, you saved them? From a hydra?" Her level of pissed off was slowly decreasing.
"Well of course I did. Haven't you seen how adoreable they are?"
A smile crept up Rainbow's face. "Ya know what alien? You're alright."
"Please, call me Courier."
"You deliver mail?" Rainbow asked.
"Not exactly, it's a long storty."
"C'mon Courier, I think you should meet my friend Twilight." She pointed in the direction of ponyville.
"Is Twilight a homosexual vampire that sparkles and is in love with some emo bitch?"
"Umm, no?"
"Good. That's the worst kind of Twilight."
The Courier and his pony companions walked to the edge of the forest.
"Scoots, Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle will come with me to Twilight's place, I'll bring her back here. Nopony knows what'll happen if anypony sees you in Ponyvile."
"Whatever you think is best." The Courier shrugged.
Lyra was taking a walk by the edge of the forest. It was her favourite place to sit and play her lyre while she daydreamed about meeting humans. She was headed towards the place where she normally did this when the she laid her eyes on the greatest thing she had ever seen in her entire life. There, sitting on a rock, was a human. A living. Breathing. Just sitting ther holding something that vaguely resembled a human face in it's beatiful hands Human. Lyra squeed and ran towards the human as fast as she could.
"A HUMAN! A HUMAN A HUMAN A HUMAN!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!!! I'VE FINALLY FOUND ONE!!! YOU HAVE TO COME WITH ME TO TOWN!!! NOW EVERYPONY WILL BELIEVE ME!!! I KNEW I WAS RIGHT!!! OH BON BON'S NOT GONNA BELIEVE THIS!!!" She grabbed one of the Courier's hands with her mouth, causing him to drop his helmet.
"No! Wait! You don't understand! I have to stay here! It's important!"
"What are you doing? Let go of me! If you don't let go of me I'll scream rape in the most feminine voice your ears ever heard!" The mint green unicorn kept pulling him along by his fingers.
"Your gnna haf a gret tym!"
"Well could you atleast stop biting me you bitey mad pony!" He tried to shake his finger out of the pony's mouth.
"Furnnn." the pony let go of the Courier's hand.
"Well that's much better, so, uhh, what do I call you?"
"I'm Lyra," Lyra looked back at the Courier with a suggestive look. "but you can call me Sexy."
"Only when we're alone!"
"We are alone."
"Well then, where are we going Sexy?"
"C'mon Twi! It's over here!" Rainbow called called out to Twilight.
"I seriously doubt there's an alien courier hiding in the forest Dash." Rainbow Dash had had a hard time convincing Twilight to come with her at all.
"Believe me it's right over there, by the edge of the forest!" She pointed a hoof at where the Courier had been waiting.
"... There's nothing there Dash." Twilight said with a voice of boredom.
"What are you talkin' about it's right th- Hey were'd it go!"
"So, where are we going exactly?" The Courier had accepted that there was no way he was going to get out of his current predicament.
"To my friend Bon Bon's house."
"Where's that?"
"The centre of town."
"Do you really think that a 6 foot tall, dashingly handsom, chick magnet such as myself would go unoticed in a town full of multicoloured ponies?"
"No, which is why I'm taking you to Bon Bon's house which just happens to be right next to the centre of town!"
"You're not completely sane, are you?"
"The doctors at the hospital said my beliefs in humans were borderline obsessions, but if I bring a human to the centre of town they'll believe that I'm not crazy!"
"OR they could chase me outta town with flaming torches and pitchforks!"
"Don't be ridiculous!"
As they neared the town they could hear the sound of merchants in the marketplace advertising their many goods and services.
"C'mon get yer sweet, freshly picked, Sweet Apple Acres apples right here everypony!"
"Overpriced tomatoes! Get your overpriced tomatoes!"
"Today only! All flaming torches and pitchforks 75% off!"
Lyra and the Courier stopped walking.
"Come with me to Bon Bon's house she said! There won't be any flaming torches or pitchforks she said!"
"Aww c'mon! You can't back out now!"
"If there's one thing I learned in New Reno it's that you should always back out! Especially when it involves shooting a porno with an ugly girl."
