Chapters 01. Flutterbat Returns ("Bats!")
Bats!
Episode 4/07
Prompt: Not everything went as planned when Twilight undid her spell on Fluttershy.
Word count restriction: 1,000-1,500
“Now Fluttershy. I know how protective you are about nature, but honestly, trees don’t have feelings!” Discord tapped his fingers on the ground, his long, serpentine body curled around a checkered blanket.
Fluttershy’s eyes fell. “I suppose, but… you still shouldn’t go around hurting them…”
“Oh, come now,” Discord said with a smirk. “Surely for a cause as worthy as this you could sacrifice a bit of your Mother Nature complex!”
Fluttershy slumped back, her body leaning against the creature. “Well… you do seem to think it’s important…”
Discord laughed, his paw roughly mussing Fluttershy’s mane. “Precisely! And after your oh-so stressful ordeal at the orchards yesterday, there’s no better time!”
Fluttershy sighed, defeated. “Go ahead.”
With a toothy grin, Discord clapped his mismatched hands together. A nearby tree, stretching far into the sky, began to emit a golden glow. With a loud pop, its trunk transformed into a giant wooden statue: Discord stood, upright and smiling triumphantly, with one hand on his side and the other above his head, supporting a sunlike sphere. Around the wooden draconequus, dozens of ponies stood and watched, their eyes starstruck and their mouths foaming. On the base of the statue was written “MORALE! ”.
As Discord reeled in laughter at his creation, Fluttershy’s eyes were drawn upward. The branches of the tree, with no trunk to support them, were now falling to the ground below, right atop their heads.
Discord recoiled as a mighty crash echoed through the forest clearing. Peeking one eye open, he whistled playfully. Fluttershy hovered above his head, her hooves lifting the massive pile of branches and her demeanor noticeably altered.
“Fluttershy,” Discord said as she lowered the branches to the ground beside them, “is there something you’ve been keeping from me?”
Fluttershy hissed.
Discord put a finger to his mouth. “No, I’m serious, Flutterbutter. Something seems a little different .”
Fluttershy flapped her leathery wings and hissed.
“No, no, I’m certain of it. There is something definitely different with you…”
With a roll of her blood-red eyes, Fluttershy lumbered out of the clearing, toward Ponyville.
“New mane-cut?” Discord stood up and bounded after her, his laughter sending flocks of birds to the sky. “Oh, I know! You got a hooficure!”
~
“Very interesting,” Twilight mused. “Yesterday, you seemed to have no control over your actions while in bat-form.”
Fluttershy rubbed her foreleg nervously and hissed.
“I’m afraid I can’t understand you,” said Twilight. She frowned and looked up to her other guest. “I don’t suppose you speak vampire bat, Discord.”
Discord brought a thoughtful finger to his chin. “Well, I’m fluent in fruit, though I do know a bit of vampire.” He grinned. “I’m also quite good at baseball.”
Twilight gently rubbed her temple. “This isn’t the time for jokes, Discord.”
“Who’s joking? Baseball bats possess some of the most eloquent tales I’ve ever heard, as long as you’re willing to listen.” With a flash of light, a baseball bat appeared in his hands. He brought to his face and rubbed it softly. “There there,” he cooed. “I know they don’t make very good listeners.”
Twilight rolled her eyes and turned back to Fluttershy. “I think I have a theory as to why this has happened, Fluttershy.”
Fluttershy hissed, her eyes hopeful.
“Well, the spell I had intended to cast on the vampire bats yesterday was supposed to remove their desire to feed on apples.”
“Complete hogwash,” Discord muttered, balancing the baseball bat on a finger. “There’s absolutely no reason why that should have worked.”
“Unfortunately , the spell actually affected you, because of the mental influence you held over them with your Stare.”
Fluttershy nodded quickly and hissed, as if to say Yes, I know that part already.
“When I cast the reversal spell on you as a bat later that night, the desire to eat fruit was magically transmitted back into the vampire bats.”
“Utter hogwash.”
“But I suppose the transmission was incomplete,” Twilight continued. “Since you and the bats weren’t mentally connected when I cast the spell, some of their characteristics must have remained within you.”
Fluttershy gasped and hissed, her pleading eyes growing wide.
“But don’t worry,” Twilight said hurriedly. “I’m sure I can figure out some way to remove the bat from you. I’ll just need some time.”
Fluttershy hissed quietly, her eyes downcast.
Twilight bit her lip. “Discord, what was happening immediately before she transformed?”
“We were about to be squashed by a thousand pounds of artistic by-product,” Discord answered, his eyes glued to the bat balancing on his finger. “Is there a record for this? Twilight, tell me there’s a record for this!”
“So the transformation was likely triggered by a sudden rush of adrenaline,” Twilight thought aloud. “Then it’s probably temporary.”
Fluttershy’s furry ears perked as she flashed Twilight a fanged grin.
“Most spells whose effects are tied to emotion are usually temporary,” said Twilight. “So just give it some time, and it should wear off. If you want it to go quicker, try to relax. Maybe you and Rarity could go to that spa she’s always raving about!”
Fluttershy tilted her head, gesturing with a hoof to her decidedly batlike appearance.
“With Rarity around, I doubt the ponies in town will give you much trouble.”
“Plus,” said Discord, now balancing ten bats on his fingers, “I’m quite sure that by now, this sort of thing is routine.”
~
“See, Fluttershy?” Rarity said from her mudbath. “Even Twilight is beginning to understand the value of a quality pampering.”
Fluttershy replied with a tentative hiss. Aloe, the pink, blue-maned beautician, slowly filed away at Fluttershy’s hoof, her eyes nervously darting back and forth from her file to Fluttershy’s batlike face.
“There’s no need to fear, darling,” Rarity giggled. “Under that hideous, furry exterior lies the kindest pony you will ever meet.”
Fluttershy crossed her forehooves and hissed.
Rarity lifted a kiwi off of her eye. “Are you getting better, dear?” she asked, her voice laced with concern.
Fluttershy shook her head and hissed sadly.
Rarity brought her hoof to her chin. “Perhaps there’s something even more relaxing for you to do… Are you still acquainted with Harry?”
Fluttershy slowly nodded and hissed, as if to say I am indeed, but I fail to understand the relevance of such a clarification.
~
Fluttershy drew out a long hiss as Harry the bear gently massaged her back. She turned to look up at him and hissed, as if to confide I appreciate very much the time and effort you are sacrificing in order to aid me, my sapient friend.
Harry grunted, as if to declare ‘Tis simply what mutual friends do for each other as part of their unsaid pact of friendship , paused, and grunted again, as if to request If I may, have you always possessed the ability to transform into a diphyllic-equine hybrid, or has this ability been bestowed upon you only recently?
Fluttershy nodded and hissed, as if to clarify The tale is quite long-winded and unfortunate, but rest assured that this transformation is not an inborn capability.
Harry grunted, looked around, and growled, as if to inquire Pray tell, does the responsibility for this occurrence lie in the hands of the mischievous chimera?
Fluttershy shook her head quickly. She hissed, as if to assert Though I understand the sentiment with which you make such an accusation, I assure you that my companion Discord is not in the least responsible for the events which I have described to you.
For minutes Fluttershy laid sprawled on the grass, feeling her eyes grow heavy as Harry massaged her. She yawned, feeling the last rays of sunlight warm her fur, and drifted to sleep.
Harry removed his paws as Fluttershy’s body began to morph. Her pointed, furry ears flattened and shrunk; her fangs retreated; and her dark coat returned to its shade of bright yellow. As she slept, Harry brought a finger to his chin and grunted, as if to remark What a curious sight! I do believe this, the transformation of a bat-pony hybrid back to the physiology of a regular pony before my very eyes, is, without a doubt, the most novel occurrence which I have witnessed in all of my years of residing around pony society.
His task accomplished, Harry returned to the forest, as bears are wont to do.
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02. The Caw-ling ("Rarity Takes Manehattan")
Rarity Takes Manehattan
Episode 4/08
Prompt: Manehattan leaves its hoofprint on everypony who ventures into it.
Word count restriction: 1,000-7,000
“Twilight,” Spike complained he tugged on her mane, “are you even listening to me?”
She nodded absently. “Yeah, yeah. Uh-huh. Sure.”
Spike slapped his face in frustration. “You don’t even care, do you?”
“Yep. Yeah. Alright.”
“You only get one chance to taste a genuine Manehattan carrot dog, Twilight.”
“Sure.”
“One chance. ”
Twilight flipped a page. “Yeah.”
Spike growled and stomped to the other side of the room. “I know what you’re thinking, Twilight. Spike, dragons live for hundreds of years! Surely you’ll have another opportunity to get a carrot dog! ”
“Sounds about right.”
Spike turned back around. “But you’d be wrong!” he exclaimed, lifting a finger emphatically above his head. “You haven’t even begun to understand how complex this problem really is!”
“Okay.”
He marched back to the podium, where Twilight was engrossed in one of her books (The Hopeless Buffoon’s Guide to Pony Transmogrification , if Spike remembered correctly). “Once you look at all of the intricacies of the situation, you see how unlikely it is!” He looked up at Twilight, eyes pleading. “You understand statistics, right Twilight? Can you make sure this makes sense?”
“Oh, sure, sure.”
Spike grinned. “Thanks Twilight.” He stepped back and brought a claw to his chin. “Now, first we need to understand the likelihood of me ever going to Manehattan again.”
“Yep.” Twilight leaned into her book, her eyes narrowed. Evidently she found what she had been looking for, for she shortly nodded and flipped a few pages.
“And then there’s the likelihood of that same carrot dog vendor being there, too.” Spike nodded to himself, pleased at the coherency of his thoughts. “Because, you know, you can’t just pretend that one carrot dog is like any other.”
“Of course.”
“Now, everyone knows that a carrot dog is only as good as its ingredients are fresh. Don’t you agree?”
“Oh, absolutely.”
“Good! So we need to take into account how fresh the vendor’s ingredients were that day, and how likely it is that they’d be just as fresh the next time I’m in Manehattan. But it goes even deeper! What about the exact conditions of the farms where those ingredients were made? And the roughness of their transport, and the temperature when they were served?”
Twilight looked back and forth between pages and scratched her head. “Right.”
“And don’t even get me started on the chances that every single ingredient will be aged just as long as the ones in the carrot dog that he stole.” Spike literally fumed, his snout unconsciously releasing small puffs of smoke as he simmered.
“Yeah.”
“And even if they are, we also need to account for the chances that Rarity will also be in Manehattan, that we’ll be together, and that she’ll feel like she has to buy me another carrot dog from the exact same vendor !” His fists clenched. “Add all of this up, and it’s impossible!”
Twilight closed her eyes and rubbed her temples. “Spike?”
Spike ground his fist into his other palm. “I swear to Celestia, Twilight: I will get that thief.”
“Spike.”
“I’ll get him if it’s the last thing I do! He’ll regret ever having crossed Spike the dragon!”
“Spike!”
“He won’t even know what hit him,” Spike said with a maniacal chuckle. “I’ll get right up in his face and say ‘Hey, Featherbrain! You made the wrong move messing with--’”
“Spike! ” Twilight’s shout echoed across the library.
“Huh?”
She brought her hoof to her temple once again. “Spike, what are you even talking about?”
“You mean you weren’t even listening?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“But I asked, and you said you were!”
Twilight’s cheeks reddened slightly. “I’m sorry about that, Spike,” she said after a moment. “I was just so engrossed in this textbook.” Both her horn and her book glowed with a rippling purple aura as she levitated the book in front of him. “I’m just about to figure out how to cast a spell that will allow Fluttershy complete control over her transformations.”
Spike’s mouth hung agape. “Her what?”
“Didn’t I tell you?” Twilight replied, replacing the book on the podium. “After the vampire fruit bat incident last month, Fluttershy’s been turning into a bat-pony hybrid whenever she gets excited.”
“I thought you were joking about that.”
“No, I was completely serious. It’s really starting to get her down. But what was it that you were talking about earlier?”
Spike bared his teeth as the thoughts of revenge came flooding back. “The first day we were in Manehattan, Rarity bought me a carrot dog, and a bird stole it!”
Twilight paused, bewildered. “And… that’s it?”
He waved his arms frantically. “What do you mean, ‘And that’s it’?”
She shrugged. “Well, it’s really not that big of a deal, is it?”
“But Rarity bought it for me! That makes it special!”
Twilight sighed. “Oh.”
“And then a selfish bird swoops down like he owns the place and snatches right out of my claw!” Spike waved his left claw emphatically in demonstration.
“Spike…”
“It’s like stealing a birthday present!” Spike brought his hands to his face in exasperation. “Well, I know it wasn’t my birthday, and it wasn’t really a present so much as a little favor, but still!”
“Spike, I really don’t think--”
“And like I explained before, there’s no way Rarity would ever be able to buy me an identical carrot dog!”
“Why does it need to be identical?”
Spike froze. “Uh…”
“See?” Twilight said, smiling. “You’re just overreacting. I’m sure Rarity would be happy to buy you another carrot dog the next time the opportunity arises.”
“I… I guess…”
Twilight leaned in close. “And think,” she whispered playfully, “if you explain what happened with the bird, she might buy you two!”
Spike’s eyes lit up. “You really think so?”
Twilight grinned. “I really do!”
Spike looked to the ground and rocked on his toes. “I guess I might have been overreacting just a little bit.”
She raised an eyebrow and smirked. “A little bit?”
“Okay,” he said, blushing. “A whole lot.”
“Now, no more worrying about it,” she declared, pulling him into a hug. “Alright?”
He took a deep breath. “Alright, Twilight.”
“Good.” The two stood, smiling at each other.
“So,” Spike said, “you think you have a spell that’ll fix Fluttershy?”
“Well, it won’t exactly fix her,” she said, turning back to the book, “but it will allow her to keep herself from transforming at inappropriate times. Remember when you had to go to the bathroom on our second day in Manehattan?”
Spike nodded. “Yeah. I thought I hadat least three more days in me.”
“While you were in there, Fluttershy tried to comfort a crying filly in a stroller.”
Spike couldn’t hinder the smirk forming on his lips. “What happened?”
“The filly sneezed right in her face.”
Spike brought a hand to his forehead. “Oh!” he laughed.
“And then Fluttershy transformed into a bat.”
“Oh…”
“Yeah,” Twilight said with a grimace. “Now, if I’m correct, this spell should enchant a food item so that when Fluttershy eats it, she’ll gain control of her transformations.”
Spike produced a small blue gem. “Think she likes sapphire?”
“That’s generous of you, but I highly doubt it.”
He popped the gem into his mouth. “Her loss.”
Twilight’s horn glowed. From the kitchen hovered a bright red apple. “This should do the trick.” She placed it on a table nearby, stood back, and readied her horn. “Stand back, Spike.” Her horn’s glow intensified, and a thin, pink stream of light shot into the apple. The fruit was covered in a rippling pink coating of magic. The coating rippled faster and faster, before seeping up to the stem. The magical aura lifted off the apple, formed into a batlike shape, and dissipated into the air.
“That should do it. Spike, do you want to go deliver this to Fluttershy? I believe she and Discord are helping Rarity out at her boutique.”
Spike grinned. “She’s at the boutique? I’ll be right over!” He yanked the apple off the table and scurried out the door, receiving a knowing smirk from Twilight as he ran.
~
The door to the boutique opened as Spike stepped inside. “Rarity!” he called out. “Rarity?”
“Is that Spike?” answered the mare’s voice. “I’m upstairs, darling!”
Spike licked his claw and slicked back the spikes on his head before jogging up the stairs. In Rarity’s workroom Spike saw Rarity standing off to the side as Fluttershy and Discord argued.
“I don’t mean to be stubborn,” Fluttershy asserted, “but I must insist that you lend a hoof.”
Discord crossed his arms as all of the hats in the room spontaneously began to hover and rotate in the air. “But what kind of benefit would I reap for this? She wants me to change my shape to model for her, but I highly doubt she’ll be producing any outfits for draconequi.” With a flash, a pair of sunglasses appeared on his face, as well as suit coat on his back and a golden scepter bearing the likeness of a grinning Twilight in his paw. “I guess she doesn’t think that creatures of chaos can be just as fabulous as ponies.”
Fluttershy frowned. “Now Discord, you know that friendship isn’t all about receiving.”
Discord looked back and forth between Fluttershy and Rarity before setting down all of the hats and sighing. “Alright, fine.” He teleported, reappearing curled around Rarity’s shoulder. “But you owe me one.” He stood up and held Rarity in his arms, mussing her mane with his fist.
“Oh, Spike,” Rarity said, grimacing at her ruined mane, “did you need something?”
Spike shook his head. “I just have something to give to Fluttershy.”
“Very well, dear. I shall see you two later!” She gulped. “In one piece, if all goes well…” With a shriek and a cackle, the pair disappeared in a flash of light.
“You have something for me?” Fluttershy asked.
Spike held out the apple. “Twilight said that if you eat this, you’ll be able to control when you change into a bat.”
Fluttershy's eyes lit up, and she quickly grabbed the fruit and shoveled it down voraciously. By the time she had finished, juice was smeared across her face and she was panting. After a moment, she blushed and wiped her face with a wing. “Sorry. I, uh… Lately, I really like apples.”
“Uh, sure,” Spike replied, nonplussed. “No problem.”
Fluttershy smiled. “Oh, but at least I’m not the only one with some food problems. Rarity, Discord and I were just having the most interesting conversation about the carrot dog scandal in Manehattan.” Her smile faded. “I mean, not that I’m trying to rub it in that you weren’t here to talk about it.”
Spike shook his head. “No, it’s fine. What scandal?”
“It turns out that the major carrot dog producers in Manehattan have actually been forcing ponies to work for no pay.” Her eyes grew wide. “For years, they’ve gone undiscovered, forcing poor ponies with no families to labor for them! Isn’t that simply awful?”
Spike gulped. “Yeah, that’s a shame. What did Rarity say?” he asked, his voice strained.
She looked off into space. “She said that she’ll never buy a carrot dog again as long as she lives, because the whole business is…” She tried to recall the words her friend had used. “...manipulative, amoral, and reprehensible.”
He stood unmoving, his eyes wide and his mouth hung agape. “She’ll never… buy… another…?”
She nodded. “She made it very clear: she will never, ever, ever buy a carrot dog again.”
Spike’s eye twitched.
“Ever,” she concluded.
Spike fell to his knees, raised his fists to the sky and unleashed a bloodcurdling “NOOOO! ”
When he had opened his eyes, Fluttershy was a bat. She hissed and tentatively reached out a hoof, as if to inquire My dear dragon compatriot! What ails you to such a degree as to warrant such a dramatic and troubled expression of misfortune?
Spike sniffed and wiped a teary eye. “I can’t understand you, Fluttershy.”
Fluttershy looked down at herself and recoiled. She hissed, as if to declare I am quite certain that this condition that has befallen me has brought forth a very great amount of stress!
Spike sat down on the floor, trying to calm himself. “That apple should have given you control, Fluttershy. Try to change back.
She nodded and hissed, as if to answer Yes; I trust my friend Twilight Sparkle wholeheartedly and, therefore, will promptly attempt to revert back to my natural demeanor under the assumption that such an attempt has the possibility of garnering success. She closed her eyes and furrowed her brows. After several seconds, her body morphed back to normal.
“Wow,” Spike said. “That’s awesome!”
Fluttershy rubbed her forehead. “And strenuous. But why did you scream, Spike?”
“I need to find a bird,” he said, his eyes narrowed and his fists clenched.
“Oh, I can help you with that!” she said, her eyes beaming. “I have plenty of birds down at my cottage.”
“I need to find a certain bird.”
“Like, a certain species? I’m sure I can--”
“A certain bird .”
Fluttershy raised a hoof to her lips. “You need… a specific, individual bird?”
He nodded.
“Whyever do you need to find a specific bird?”
“He stole from me.”
“Goodness! What did he steal?”
“Something valuable. Valuable and irreplaceable.”
“Well, I certainly don’t want you to be without something irreplaceable.”
“Can you help me?”
She thought for a moment, and then nodded. “I believe I can. But there are some rules.”
“Rules?”
“I’m going to take you to see someone, and you can’t say certain things.”
“...Okay. What things?”
“You can’t say that they eat worms.”
“Um--”
“And you can’t mention molting. Or cats. Or the Winter migration four years ago.”
Spike stood up. “Fluttershy, are you taking me to see--”
“A bird.” She nodded resolutely. “I’m taking you to see a bird.”
~
Fluttershy and Spike sat on a tree stump in a clearing a short distance into the Everfree Forest. The branch of another tree extended close to the stump, allowing the duo to speak to the branch’s occupants: one squat, red bird with black plumage, one tall, skinny, green bird, and an incredibly bulky blue bird with a beak that looked so sharp, Spike felt he could cut himself even by looking at it. The squat red bird sat in the middle, flanked on either side by his companions.
The squat red bird tweeted. The other two tweeted a more high-pitched note that lasted several seconds.
“What did they say?” asked Spike.
“The one in the middle said, ‘Behold, the ferocious dragon!’” Fluttershy explained.
“And the other two?”
“They said, ‘Hohohohoho.’”
The red bird tweeted, paused, and tweeted again.
“‘Not our usual type of client,’” Fluttershy translated, “‘but I suppose there’s a first time for everything, eh?’”
Spike looked up to the red bird. “Uh, Mr. Bird?”
The bird pointed a wing and emitted a strident tweet.
Fluttershy blushed and covered her mouth. “Um, he prefers ‘Bloodwing,’ if you don’t mind.”
“Alright, Bloodwing,” Spike said, “can you help me find a bird?”
Bloodwing looked to his companions and tweeted. The other two repeated their long, drawn-out tweet.
“He said, ‘Can I find a bird? Boys, the dragon asks if I can find a bird!’.”
“And them?”
“‘Hohohohoho.’”
The skinny green bird tweeted, gesturing with a wing.
“‘Boss once tracked a single carrier pigeon from Canterlot all the way to the Badlands.’”
Spike smiled. “So you can help me!”
Bloodwing made a short, horizontal slice with his wing and tweeted.
“‘Hold your fire breath, lizard. We haven’t even discussed payment.’”
Spike raised an eyebrow. “You want payment before I tell you the job?”
“‘Hey, let’s get one thing straight,’” Fluttershy said after Bloodwing had tweeted. “‘Bloodwing tells you the job, capisce?’”
“Uh, yeah, sorry.”
Bloodwing paused, and tweeted.
“‘We charge a flat rate for our troubles, and another fee if we get it done. We used to let clients wait until the job was done before payment, but we ran into too many trust issues.’”
The skinny green bird tweeted.
“‘They went vamoose.’”
Spike scratched his head. “Well, what do you want?”
Bloodwing thought for a moment, and tweeted.
“‘You know the new princess, right, Shrimp?’”
“You mean Twilight Sparkle? Yeah, I live with her.”
“‘Then you have connections to the princess of the night, correct?’”
“Uh, yeah, I guess.”
Bloodwing tapped the tip of his wings together slowly. Also, he tweeted.
“‘Listen up, and listen good. The princess of the night owes us a personal favor. We need you to remind her that we’re still here, and always watching,’” Fluttershy translated. “‘And that if she don’t pay up soon, there’s gonna be trouble, capisce?’”
Spike nodded. “Alright, I guess I can do that.”
Bloodwing nodded, and, to the surprise of nobody present, tweeted.
“‘Good boy. You make sure that gets done. Now, what can Bloodwing do for ya?’”
Spike sat up straight. “I need you to track down a bird. He stole something precious from me, and I want him to pay.”
“‘And what did this scoundrel take?’”
Spike blushed. “Um… I’d rather not say. He’s probably already eaten-- I mean, disposed of it already.”
Bloodwing looked to his partners incredulously.
“‘Disposed of it?’” Fluttershy translated, given that Bloodwing had, in fact, tweeted. “‘You’re in deep, aren’t ya, Shrimp?’”
Spike raised an eyebrow. “I guess so?”
“‘It ain’t rare for us to handle something like this,’” Fluttershy translated after Bloodwing had nodded. “‘Don’t you worry, little dragon. That bird o’ yours will pay. What’s he look like?’”
Spike put his claw to his chin, wracking his brain. “Uh… he was red, or maroon, I guess, with a yellow belly and some yellow at the base of his wings.”
The three birds on the branch recoiled. Bloodwing tweeted.
“‘Tell me, Shrimp: this bird o’ yours have some spiky feathers on the back of his head?’”
“Yeah!”
Bloodwing exchanged looks with the skinny green bird.
“‘We’ve had our eyes on that flying rat for fifteen years, but we never had any definite reason to take him down.’” Realizing what she had translated, Fluttershy shuddered. “Oh, my.”
The green bird tweeted.
“‘You just leave this to us, Shrimp.’”
“‘And you can forget about the payment afterward,’” Bloodwing added. “‘Takin’ this dirty--’” Fluttershy blushed. “Um, ‘taking this… unpleasant gentlecolt out once and for all is our pleasure. You just make sure the princess gets our message. Tell her Bloodwing says the clock’s tickin’.’”
Spike nodded, grinning. “Okay! And thank you guys! Thank you so much!”
Bloodwing waved a wing.
“‘No thanks necessary, Shrimp. You deliver our message, and that’ll be thank enough.’”
The birds took to the air and hovered in front of Spike.
“‘We’ll make sure you know when the job’s done,’” Fluttershy translated for Bloodwing. “‘Just leave it to us.’” He flew off.
“‘Yeah, just leave it to us,’” repeated the skinny green bird before flying off.
The burly blue bird, who hadn’t spoken to Spike, hovered without a tweet.
Spike raised a claw. “Um--”
The bird abruptly tweeted, and took off to meet the other two.
“What did that one say?” Spike asked, turning to Fluttershy.
She scratched her head. “‘Swag.’”
~
Spike and Twilight descended the marble staircase of the palace courtyard.
“I hope to see you again soon, Twilight,” Celestia called from the top of the stairs.
“And I as well!” Luna waved after the two, a grin plastered on her face. “We shall soon experience great enjoyment and leisure once again, though hopefully not again at the expense of the unfortunate vendor of fried circle bread!”
Celestia smirked. “They’re called ‘donuts,’ Luna.”
“But they are more similar to wheels than they are to nuts, my sister.”
As Spike and Twilight waved goodbye, the loud shriek of an eagle echoed through the street. Spike and Twilight looked upward, only to see the receding bird in the distance, as well as a single maroon feather drifting lazily through the air. After a few seconds, the feather landed perfectly atop Spike’s snout.
“That was odd,” commented Twilight.
“Uh, Twilight? I need to go say something to Princess Luna.”
Twilight looked skeptical. “Alright,” she relented.
Spike jogged back up the staircase, maroon feather in hand.
“Does something ail you, dear Spike?” asked Luna, concerned.
“Uh, Princess Luna?” Spike began. The princess tilted her head. “I have a message for you.”
“A message for me?” Luna asked. “From whom?”
Spike gulped. “Uh, from… Bloodwing? He says the clock is ticking.”
At the mention of the bird’s name, Luna froze, her eyes wide.
“Sister?” Celestia asked. “Luna, is there something wrong?”
Luna remained unmoving. “Dear cosmos,” she whispered.
Spike slowly backed away, wringing his hands behind his back. “Well, now that I got that out of the way I guess I’ll be off then!” Celestia watched with confusion as Spike sprinted down the stairs and back to Twilight’s side. Though she couldn’t hear them, she could tell that Spike was trying to speed up their departure.
She leaned in to her sister’s eye level. “Luna, talk to me. What’s wrong? Who’s Bloodwing?”
Luna slowly met her gaze. “Bloodwing,” she said slowly, “is my demise.”
“What? Is he an assassin?”
Luna nodded. “He dabbles in such business, on occasion. I had no idea he still had his nefarious eyes on me.”
Celestia’s brows furrowed. “We won’t take this threat lying down. I’ll make sure every guard in Equestria is on the lookout. What does he look like?”
“He is a small red bird.”
“...A bird?” Celestia asked, nonplussed.
“Not just a bird,” Luna corrected, her voice wavering. “The avian harbinger of the fall of the Equestrian diarchy.”
Somewhere far away, inside a notch in a nondescript tree, sat a small red bird, rubbing the tips of his wings together maniacally. Nopony that knew of him would ever claim that a bird possessed no patience, and he knew that his patience had rewarded him. Soon he would have to wait no longer. For now, though, he fluttered out of the tree and searched the ground below. Spotting his target and seeing no other birds around to see, he swooped down and gobbled up a worm, as birds are wont to do.
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03. Historical Revelations ("Pinkie Apple Pie")
Pinkie Apple Pie
Episode 4/09
Prompt: While helping Twilight Sparkle with her genealogical research, Pinkie discovers another surprising familial connection. Pinkie heads out to investigate.
Word count restriction: 1,000 - 7,000
Ding-dong.
Princess Luna’s head jerked up from the papers on her desk. She cocked her head.
Ding-dong.
Luna cautiously stood up, staring at the door to her personal office with narrowed eyes. “I don’t… I don’t believe this room is equipped with a doorbell…”
Ding-dong-ding-dong-ding-dong.
She cleared her throat. “Who goes there?”
“It’s me,” rang a high-pitched voice from the other side of the door.
“Who?”
“Me!”
“A name,” Luna said, gritting her teeth. “For the love of the cosmos, a name!”
“Oh, right!” The voice giggled shrilly. “It’s Pinkie Pie!”
Luna sighed in relief. “‘Tis simply Pinkie Pie? Very good. Please enter.”
The door swung open and Pinkie hopped inside, her smile defying gravity as much as her bounces. Luna telekinetically shut the door and smiled. “Hello, my friend. What brings you to the castle this day?”
“I came to ask you a question,” Pinkie responded with a grin. “Oh! But first I have to tell you a story.”
Luna glanced back at the stack of papers and scrolls on her desk. “Is this a matter of importance, Pinkie Pie? I don’t mean to be aloof, but I do have quite a bit of work to complete.”
Pinkie nodded emphatically. “Oh, it’s super-duper important! Even more important than remembering which jar has the salt and which jar has the sugar!”
The princess smiled; it was impossible not to be amused by the enigmatic pink one. “Very well,” she said, lying down. “For a matter of such great significance, I do believe I can spare the time.”
“Great! Where should I start?”
“From the beginning, perhaps?”
“Right! I know how everything began! Discord told me Equestria existed and then it got blown to smithereens by accident and then he tried to make a better Equestria and--”
“Pinkie Pie,” said Luna gently, “as much as I would enjoy your… apocryphal perspective on the origins of our country, perhaps you should begin at the beginning of the events of which you came to inform me?”
Pinkie nodded again. “Right! So there I was, minding my own business, haggling with a shopkeeper in Ponyville because he was trying to charge twenty bits for a pound of cherries! Can you believe that? Twenty bits should get you five pounds at least , and I told him that, and he just kind of grunted at me, but eventually I managed to convince to trade with me, so I gave him a bushel of ripe apples that I borrowed from Fluttershy. I’ll have to make sure to get her another one soon; she’s been really into apples lately. Did you know she’s a bat now?”
“Excuse me?”
“So anyway, as I was walking back home with my cherries, my right ear started flapping and my back-left knee started twitching, so I knew I was being watched, so I looked all around and I saw that somepony was watching me from a tree.”
“A pony was watching you from a tree?”
“Except it wasn’t a pony; it was a bird!”
Luna started. “A… a bird, Pinkie? Are you certain?”
Pinkie nodded. “Abso-positively-lutely! It was a little fat red bird with black feathers on its head and I knew it was watching me because whenever I walked away it would fly to another tree and watch me again!”
Luna gulped. “And did you approach this bird?”
“Posi-absolutely-tively! I marched right up to that bird, and I said, ‘Now lookee here, bird! I don’t know what you want, but if you’re going to stare at me, the least you could do is get yourself a pair of binoculars and do it the right way!’ Then I reached into a gnarl in the tree and pulled out a pair of binoculars that I kept for binocular emergencies and offered to give them to him. He said no, but they were a little too big for a bird. Maybe I should start hiding little tiny binoculars around town for binocular emergencies involving whittle tiny pony-people!”
“Tiny pony-what ?”
“The bird just kind of sat there, and then it tweeted, and then it tweeted some more, and then it reached over and pulled a scroll out of nowhere! It was like he just put his wings where I couldn’t see and then a scroll just poof! Appeared out of nowhere!”
“Surely you missed something, my friend. That is impossible.”
“I know! I thought I was the only one who could do that.”
“You can do tha--”
“So he just dropped the scroll down in front of my hooves and sat there, like he wanted me to read it, so I read it.”
“Pinkie, I don’t mean to interrupt, but can we perhaps clarify what you said before about pulling objects out of nowhe--”
“Do you know what the scroll said?”
“How could I know what the scroll said?” Luna said, tapping her hoof against the floor.
“I just thought that since the bird could do something I thought only I could do before, maybe you’re able to predict exactly what it is ponies are about to say before they even say it, like I did when Twilight came out of the magic mirror exactly seven months, three weeks, and five days ago.”
Luna brought a hoof to her head. “Pinkie, are you telling me you’re capable of telepathy?”
“So do you know what the scroll said?”
“I really think we should slow this down a bit--”
“The scroll looked like it was from some official pony, because the letters were all super neat, and there was an official-looking stamp at the bottom! The letters all stuck together and formed words, and the words made sentences, and do you know what those sentences said?”
“I really would like to know more about this telepa--”
“It said that you don’t actually have a sister!”
Silence pervaded the room. Luna froze, her eyes wide and pupils small. Pinkie sat before her, her default smile plastered on her face despite the confusion in her eyes.
Luna gulped once more. “It said I have no sister?”
“Yepper-deppers!” Pinkie reached into her mane, pulled out a monocle, and set it on her face. “Dear Prince Blue Dream ,” she recited, punctuating her speech with a majestic wave of her forehoof. “I do hope your voyage to the newly-established nation in the South has gone as expected. The wrath of the Windigos still ravages this land, though things have gotten more peaceful as more and more ponies immigrate away. I must admit that I find myself occasionally longing for a fantastic journey, just like the good old days. Except this time, I’d be tempted to stay down there! As much as I’ve grown attached to this castle, the warmth and peace of the land in which you now reside seems more tempting every day. ”
“You have an impressive memory, Pinkie Pie,” said Luna. “But I’m afraid your outfit is quite anachronistic. The monocle was not invented until several centuries after the founding of Equestria.”
“Nevertheless, ” Pinie continued, “I’m afraid my place is here. One does not simply relocate an entire castle’s worth of research and equipment, no matter how many times Clover tries to convince me. The girl is brilliant, I tell you, but she lacks worldliness.
“I did not write you, your highness, for this reason. Clover’s been insisting that I make my reports more ‘personal’. Sometimes that mare can be daft, to be sure. I wrote you because I have made a startling discovery regarding the famous unicorn sisters. As I’m sure you are aware, two unicorns who recently immigrated to the new nation have been transformed, through unknown means, into pegasus-unicorn hybrids. This is perhaps the most astounding magical discovery our species has ever made! Have you heard the stories of their magical prowess? The two, from the reports I have read, are apparently able to telekinetically move objects of astonishing weight and mass.
“And there I go, off on another rambling. My point, your highness, is that the two mares, who have been popularly dubbed ‘the hybrid sisters,’ appear to not be sisters at all. I have collaborated with ponies with connections to their family and friends, and it would seem that the two, while having been raised together since birth, are not biologically related. Specifically, the parents of the elder are not the parents of the younger, and nopony seems to know where the younger’s parents are. The two themselves are apparently unaware of this. ”
Luna chuckled. “I remember, Pinkie Pie, the day that I found out.”
Pinkie gasped. “So it’s true? You and Princess Celestia aren’t actually sisters?”
Luna nodded. “We are sisters, surely; just not by blood.” She smiled. “A family is forged through experience, Pinkie Pie, not blood.”
Pinkie cocked her head. “But why has it been kept a secret? Do you not want anypony to know?”
“Should the news leak to the populace, we certainly will not deny it. However, we have done our best to keep it under wraps.”
“But why?”
Luna chuckled. “Consider the implications, Pinkie Pie, of a nation ruled by two biological sisters of indescribable magical ability. Two sisters in possession of virtually divine levels of power who ascended to the throne and rule in absolute harmony.”
Pinkie brought a hoof to her chin. “You… throw great parties?”
Luna laughed heartily. “I would hope so! But more to the point, Celestia and I have worked very hard to perpetuate the world’s perception that we are, for lack of a better phrase, of a higher form of existence than any other creature.”
“Why would you do that?”
“Would you choose to invade a nation ruled by gods, Pinkie?”
“I guess not, but you and Princess Celestia aren’t gods, right?”
“Not gods, but simply beings of extraordinary power. ‘Twas easy enough to keep up the charade once we were given the responsibility of moving the sun and the moon. After that, the entire world began to look upon us not as powerful ponies, but physical deities. Our almost mythological status is remarkably effective at keeping the peace, both because our little ponies fear no foreign danger and because no foreign entity dares to challenge us.”
“But why does it matter that you’re not sisters? Would it make family Hearth’s Warmings too complicated?”
“Not quite,” Lua giggled. “The answer is really quite simple. There is something appealing about believing your nation is ruled by two sister-gods as opposed to two powerful ponies who are otherwise unremarkable.”
“Won’t other countries still be afraid of attacking even if they know you’re not sisters, though?”
“Perhaps, but perhaps not. If we are no longer deified, and are seen just as regular ponies who have accomplished a great feat, there is little to stop anypony from believing that they can accomplish such a feat themselves. Or, for the more war-hungry nations, that they can achieve worldwide recognition by bringing Equestria to its knees.”
Pinkie sat and said nothing, for once too lost in thought to comment.
“And as long as ponies like Mi Amore Cadenza and Twilight Sparkle are given no responsibility as grand as moving an astronomical body, we can keep the charade up as long as we please.” Luna’s face grew serious. “Therefore, Pinkie Pie, I would ask that you refrain from telling anypony about this.”
“Even my friends?”
“With the exception of Twilight Sparkle, I do believe it would be best if they were to remain unaware.”
Pinkie’s face fell. Luna bit her lip.
“That letter, Pinkie; how did it end?”
The mare’s eyes lit up. “Oh! I know exactly how it ended!” She cleared her throat. “I do believe, your highness, that the rapidly growing perceptions of these two ponies could prove advantageous to your country in its infant years. I will write to you more on the subject in the future, but it appears that for now I am running dangerously low on ink. With all of the ponies immigrating, there are few to run the shops and manufacture tools. Perhaps the thing that drives me South will be necessity instead of unbridled adventurousness. Either way, I’m certain Clover will be ecstatic.
“Oh, yes; and as I promised you, I will continue to look into how meteorological phenomena affect the area’s entropic gradient. This goes against my better judgement, delving so deep into the forces of chaos, but I have been proven wrong in the past. More than likely, nothing harmful will result, as you have assured me.
“Your faithful mage,
“Starswirl
Pinkie Pie closed her eyes and beamed at having remembered the letter’s every word. “Well, I would love to stay and throw you guys a ‘we-love-you-even-if-you’re-not-sisters’ party, but I have to foalsit Pumpkin and Pound tonight. The Cakes are going down to Appleloosa to enter a baking competition. I just know they’re going to win!”
Luna stood up and grinned. “Very well, my friend. Do enjoy your evening.” She turned to walk back to her desk, but shortly looked back. “And Pinkie?”
“Yeeeeees?”
“If any birds contact you in the future, alert me immediately.”
“Okee-dokee-lokee! See ya, Princess!” A pink blur shot from the room, leaving Princess Luna alone. She trudged back to her desk, eyed the stacks of formal documents to be skimmed and signed, and sighed, as she was wont to do.
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04. Friendship Gives You Wings ("Rainbow Falls")
Rainbow Falls
Episode 4/10
Prompt: What’s it like to fly?
Word count restriction: 1,000 - 5,000
“What’s it like to fly, Twilight?”
Twilight Sparkle’s eyes bugged from her head as she struggled to avoid choking on her water. Gasping, she roughly set the glass back on the table and looked at the filly who had so suddenly approached her.
“Well, Scootaloo, I… Why do you ask?”
“You’re a pony who didn’t use to be able to fly, but now you can,” Scootaloo answered, undaunted. “I want to know what it’s like to fly for the first time.”
Twilight bit her lip. She had heard from Rainbow Dash how sensitive this subject had gotten while Scootaloo and her friends practiced for the flag-carrying performance. Twilight had been there herself when the three young fillies were announced the winners, but she had no idea how much trouble they had gone through to put everything into place. Rainbow had later told her to tread lightly around the subject of flight; “That filly’s tough as nails,” she had said, “but I don’t want anypony to upset her.”
And not only that; how does one discuss something so significant with a filly one hardly knows? Twilight could imagine few conversations more awkward. For this, more than for the sake of Scootaloo’s feelings, she had attempted to avoid the subject altogether. This proved quite easy, as she rarely encountered Scootaloo anyway. In fact, it had been a piece of cake.
That is, until Scootaloo herself brought it up. Avoiding the issue had grown particularly difficult after that.
Twilight rubbed the back of her neck, and avoided the filly’s eyes. “Well, the first time I flew was at my coronation in Canterlot. Princess Luna cast a spell that allowed me to fly even though I had gotten no practice.”
“Was it fun?”
“Er… yes?”
Scootaloo’s upward gaze never faltered as she sat there, silently encouraging Twilight to continue. Sidestepping the issue now would have been quite the test of quick-thinking, wit, and verbal dexterity.
Fortunately, Twilight adored taking tests.
“The weather has been nice this week, don’t you think?”
Scootaloo narrowed her eyes. “The weather?”
“Oh, of course!” affirmed Twilight, nodding madly. “It’s just been so warm and pleasant, with just the right amount of breeze and--”
“Twilight, I want to know what it’s like to fly!”
“Oh, I do so love drinking water,” Twilight said as she levitated the glass to her lips. “It's just about the greatest thing a pony can drink!”
“Twilight…”
“I can't think of anything more enjoyable than a fresh glass of water on a nice, sunny day! What about you, Scootaloo?”
Scootaloo’s eyebrows furrowed. “What are you talking about?”
Twilight plastered a wide grin onto her face and gestured all around. “Oh, just how much I love love love Ponyville, and nice weather, and water!”
“Can’t you just--”
Twilight’s hooves slammed loudly onto the table. “Sweet Celestia , am I thirsty for some more water!”
“Fine!” shouted Scootaloo. “Never mind. Forget I asked.” She turned around and began trotting away, her ears curled back and her head hung low.
Twilight sighed in relief. With that out of the way, maybe she could enjoy the rest of her afternoon. She didn't need to worry about Scootaloo anyway. Surely, she’d forget about the whole thing soon enough and…
And…
She groaned, stood up, and cantered off after the filly. She rounded a bend and crossed over a small hill, and there Scootaloo sat, alone, under a tree.
“Hey, Scootaloo,” Twilight said.
Scootaloo didn't turn to meet her gaze. “What do you want?”
“I’m sorry about that earlier. I was just…” She faltered. “I’m sorry, and I’ll answer any questions you have about flying.”
Scootaloo finally turned. “You will?” she asked, her eyes shining.
Twilight grimaced. “Yes.”
“What’s it like?”
“Well, it’s… I guess it’s a little… fun?”
“Fun?”
“Yes. It’s fun.”
“How is it fun?”
“You like taking jogs?”
“I guess so.”
“It’s like that, only in the air.”
Scootaloo stared off, nodding her head silently. Twilight rubbed her foreleg. “Is that it?”
“I thought it would have been more special,” Scootaloo said.
“More special?”
“Yeah. Like…” She grappled for words. “Like a pony’s first kiss, or graduating from school, or something.”
At the mention of the glorious institution, Twilight automatically thought back to her graduation from Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns and smiled fondly. Now that she thought of it, flying was kind of special…
She sat down beside Scootaloo. “Well, when you put it that way, I guess it is kind of special.”
“What kind of special?”
“Like…” Twilight brought a hoof to her chin. “Do you have anything at home that reminds you of an accomplishment?”
“Like what?”
“Like a picture, or a trophy, or--”
“I have a necklace of flowers from winning the flag-carrying competition.”
“That’s it! Now, when you look at it, what does that necklace make you feel?”
Scootaloo blushed. She hadn’t anticipated this conversation centering around what she felt. “Well, I guess it makes me feel… uh, proud?”
“Yes, and?”
“And good inside. Like when Mom bakes cookies and the smell goes all through the house, except this time the cookie-smell is inside me.”
Twilight stared, and then giggled. “You have quite a way with analogies, Scootaloo.”
“Yeah, I guess so,” she replied, blushing more deeply.
“But that’s what I’m talking about. Flying is like that for me.”
“Flying makes you feel proud?”
“It sure does.”
“Why?”
“Well, I had to go through quite a lot to get this pair of wings.”
“Like what?”
Twilight was taken aback. Like what ? Why did it seem like nopony else ever remembered? “Well, my friends and I defeated Nightmare Moon and freed Princess Luna.”
“Oh, yeah. I forgot about that.”
“And after that, we saved Equestria from Discord. I’m sure you remember how he turned Ponyville into the chaos capital of the world.”
“I forgot about that too.”
“Then there was that wedding in Canterlot. We saved the city from an army of magical monsters that feed on love. I’m pretty sure you and your friends were there for that too, although Cadance never told me how you three got recruited to be flower fillies on such short notice…”
“Come to think of it, I do remember that!”
“And just last year, my friends’ cutie marks got switched, and as a result, Ponyville almost fell apart at the seams!”
Scootaloo slapped her face. “I just don’t know how I forgot all of those things!”
“It’s alright,” Twilight said with a smile. “You’ve been so caught up in your crusading for a cutie mark; nopony can blame you for forgetting that our town’s been in mortal peril numerous times in the past four years.”
Scootaloo grinned up at her. “I like crusading, Twilight.”
“I know you do, Scootaloo. I know you do.”
“So your wings remind of you all of those things?”
“They really do. All of those were challenges that I never could have faced alone. My friends have been with me every step of the way, and these wings remind me that no matter what, they’ll always be a part of me.”
“But wait,” Scootaloo said. “When you solved that switched cutie mark problem, your friends were all loopy, doing the things they weren’t supposed to do.”
“So?”
“So didn’t you solve that problem alone? Didn’t you have to do that all by yourself?”
Twilight pursed her lips. “Well, I had Spike.”
The two looked each other in the eyes, and, after a moment, erupted into a fit of giggles.
Elsewhere, in the basement of the Golden Oak Library, Spike stopped dusting. He scratched his head; there, again, was that inexplicable feeling that somewhere, somepony was laughing at him. He shrugged. “Don’t worry about it, Spike,” he told himself. “This happens, like, a hundred times every day. It’s nothing.” He turned and strolled up the stairs, humming a tune to himself and pushing aside the creeping doubt, as he was wont to do.
05. Infirmity is Magic ("Three's a Crowd")
Three’s a Crowd
Episode 4/11
Prompt: I looked through Couch’s prompts this week. All of them were terrible. I threw them out as a favor to you. Go nuts, but just make sure I’m the star, yes? -D.
Word count restriction: 1,000 - 7,000
“Stupid, stinking Tatzlwurm ,” Discord fumed. “May the cosmos rain down fiery justice upon its stupid, stinking soul!”
“Oh, come now,” said Fluttershy, rubbing his neck gently through the pink bubble barrier Twilight had set up to isolate him. “It was just trying to defend its territory. It didn’t mean to get you sick.”
“You have no idea what the beast was meaning to do,” he replied, crossing his arms. “For all you know, it could have woken up that morning with the specific intention of laying waste to my immune system.”
“Don’t you think that’s a little unrealistic?”
He looked at her deadpan. “I don’t know the meaning of the word ‘unrealistic,’ my dear. In case you haven’t noticed, I do the ‘unrealistic’ each and every da...da… ACHOO !”
Fluttershy shook her head and smiled. “Everyone has limitations, Discord.”
“Perhaps, but why should an ancient spirit fall to worm snot just as easily as to the Elements of Harmony?” he grumbled. “I didn’t even know I could get sick.”
She grimaced. “Let’s not talk about that, please.”
He coughed and perked his ears up. “What’s that?”
She brought her forehoof out of the bubble. “I said, let’s not talk about… that… if you wouldn’t mind.”
His confusion morphed into amusement. “The Elements of Harmony, you mean?”
She nodded. “Yes; that.”
“Why, whatever do you mean? They’re simply the instruments that you and your friends used to imprison me in that cold, desolate, stone statue.”
“I know what they are,” she said quickly, “but if it’s all the same to you, I’d rather not discuss them.” She stuck her hoof back into the bubble and resumed rubbing his neck. “Besides, I’m… sure you have more pleasant things you’d like to talk about.”
“Oh, not really,” he said with a stretch. “Any contact with you, Fluttershy, is more than enough for me, regardless of what we discuss.”
The two sat in silence, Fluttershy gently massaging his neck amidst his labored, wheezy breathing. “Tell me about your home,” she said after a while. “I mean, if you don’t mind. It occurred to me that since I only send my letters to the nearest post office, I don’t even know where you live.”
“Oh, it’s quite the homey place,” he replied. “After I left Ponyville for the first time, I wandered to the Southern tip of Equestria to see if I could find a place to call my own. On the way I encountered a little town by the name of Appleloosa.”
“I’ve been there with my friends. Applejack’s cousin lives there.”
“Unfortunately, it seems Princess Twilight had forgotten to send a memo to the rest of Equestria, because the entire town went into a frenzy the moment I walked in.” He crossed his arms, but chuckled despite himself. “It would have been some satisfying chaos had they not been afraid of me.”
“They wouldn’t let you stay there?”
“They practically ran me out of town! Did you know that buffalo live there, as well?”
“I had an idea.”
“Let me tell you, Fluttershy; buffalo and ponies should not have foals together.” He shivered. “Grotesque creatures, those offspring.”
She giggled. “It’s not nice to judge ponies based on appearance, Discord.”
“How does one pick out a book, if not for an eye-catching cover?” he returned with a smirk.
Fluttershy removed her forehoof, rubbed it tenderly, and replaced it with the other. “So what did you do then?”
“I could have made those ponies and buffalo and… pony-buffalo pay for their impudence, but fortunately for them, I had more important things to worry about.”
“Like finding a home?”
Discord’s expression suddenly grew hard. “It gets cold at night in the desert,” he said, averting his eyes.
“How long did it take until you found your home?”
“It took a few days, but eventually I stumbled upon a cave that would suit me well enough.”
“Wait,” Fluttershy said, bringing the hoof she wasn’t using to massage him to her chin. “Couldn’t you have just built a house with your magic?”
“I suppose, but for some reason I preferred more natural accommodations. I think it’s the dragon in me,” he said, bending over to stroke his scaly red tail.
“So, you live in a cave?”
“I made some beautifications, but the structure remains the same from the outside. All the better, if it means no ponies will stumble over and want to pay me a visit.”
“I thought you liked ponies now.”
“I like some ponies now. Seven, to be precise.”
“Seven?”
“I met a traveling magician on my way South. She complained that she wasn’t getting much business, so I informed her that magic isn’t very impressive when a third of the ponies in the world can do it anyway.”
“Did the pony have a blue coat?”
He nodded. “She had a blue coat and a purple coat.”
“A blue and purple coat?”
“No; a blue coat, and a purple coat.”
“A coat of blue and purple?” she asked, cocking her head.
“No; a blue…” He rubbed his face in exasperation. “A blue coat, and a purple coat.”
“Oh! That was probably Trixie, then. My friends and I have met her before.”
“She asked about you; wanted to know Princess Twilight and her friends were doing.”
She grinned. “I’m glad she remembers us.”
He sneezed. "Yes, well, I informed her that I believed you were well, but that I wouldn't know, because I was sent away."
She frowned. “Sent away?”
“Sent away,” he repeated, folding his arms again. “Like a stunningly handsome bag of garbage.”
“Discord, what are you talking about?”
“Don’t think I didn’t notice how eager you ponies were to have me out of Ponyville after my ‘reformation,’” he said, using his fingers as quotation marks. “There was no time to settle in and nary a word of goodbye before my fate was decided for me. The pink one didn’t even throw me a farewell party. The pink one! The one that hosts a grand celebration whenever she uses the toilet correctly!”
Fluttershy withdrew her hoof, her face full of concern. “We talked about this, Discord. We didn’t think the other ponies in town would be comfortable if--”
“If I decided to stay?” Discord finished. “Is that how you ponies treat a friend? Sending them away to the farthest reaches of Equestria because you can’t be bothered to make some accommodations?”
“What do you think we should have done? The ponies around here are… excitable.”
“I don’t care what you should have done! What you shouldn’t have done is put the frivolous concerns of your pathetic townsfolk over the feelings of somepony you call a friend!” He huffed, a bit of smoke escaping his nostrils. “Or, some draconequus, anyhow,” he said, after sneezing.
“Princess Celestia just wanted to be sure that--”
“That I wouldn’t conquer the world again? I thought friendship was about trust . In fact,” he said, a smirk threatening to overtake his frown, “I’m quite certain your precious pony princess said as much herself.”
“She did?”
Discord snapped, and with a flash, a scroll appeared in his hands. He cleared his throat, hacking loudly, and read:
“Dear Princess Celestia,
I am writing to you from the most delightful party. I’m not only having a great time with my friends, but also was given the opportunity to learn a valuable lesson about friendship. Always expect the best from your friends, and never assume the worst. Rest assured that a good friend always has your best interests at heart.
Your faithful student ,” he said as the scroll vanished, “Twilight Sparkle . ”
Fluttershy blushed and looked to the ground.
“It would appear,” Discord continued, “that that particular friendship lesson didn’t quite stick. Your friends have done nothing but assume the worst of me since I was reformed, and I haven’t done anything to deserve it.”
Fluttershy raised her tearful eyes to meet his gaze. “You’re right, Discord. I’m so sorry.”
He bit his lip. “No… no, you have nothing to apologize for. It’s your friends that do. You, however, have done nothing.” He tapped his forefingers together. “Nothing, that is, besides make a new friend.”
She wiped her eyes and offered him a small smile. “And you’re right about that too. I’ll never assume the worst from you.”
“If only your other friends could be as considerate,” he returned with a smile of his own.
“I’ll talk to them,” she said. “I swear. I’ll tell them that it’s not okay for them to think so badly of you. I’ll tell them that part of being friends means trusting you.”
He shook his head, sneezed, and smirked. “You can try all you want, but I doubt they’ll be as receptive as you’d hope.”
“There is something you can do, though,” she said, putting her arm back into the bubble.
“And what’s that?”
“You could apologize.”
“You mean, apologize for--”
“Yes.”
He leaned back and stroked his beard. “I see… so they’re still upset about that…”
“Twilight especially. I think an apology would work wonders to smooth things over,” she said as she began to stroke him again.
“Unfortunately, I think you may be right.”
Minutes passed. “Fluttershy, out of all you, you’re the only one to have forgiven me.” Discord grimaced. “I mean, you have … forgiven me, haven’t you?”
Fluttershy closed her eyes and nodded. “Of course.”
“Why?”
She chuckled. “That’s what friends are for.” For the rest of the afternoon the two sat together in silence, as they were wont to do.
06. This Just In ("Pinkie Pride")
Pinkie Pride
Episode 4/12
Prompt: Author, Equestria is in peril! Assemble a team of one Mane Cast member and their foil with attitude!
Word count restriction: 1,000 - 7,000
February 3, XXXX
The Las Pegasus Informant
BREAKING: ANONYMOUS AVIAN REVEALS STARTLING CELESTIAL SECRET!
Equestria has long been ruled by the two royal “sisters”, but breaking news from the city of Manehattan has revealed that Equestria’s princesses may not be sisters at all!
The news comes courtesy of an anonymous bird of “stout demeanor and vibrant coloring, with impressive connections all over Equestria and within the royal sisters’ network of employees”. According to the source, the royal “sisters” have been covering up their true origins for centuries.
“In hindsight, it really should have been obvious,” a pundit of the Las Pegasus Informant team says. “When you consider the evidence, it’s shocking that we didn’t pick up on it sooner.”
Such evidence comes primarily out of the Equestrian Society of Truth, an organization based in the Crystal Empire. The Society has long been claiming that the sisters were keeping secrets from Equestria, and now the Las Pegasus Informant has had a chance to talk with one of its foremost leaders.
The evidence, Society vice president Tin Foil says, has been “under our muzzles the whole time! Just look at the sisters side-by-side. Princess Luna is blue, and Celestia is white. The ‘i’ in ‘white’ sounds like the ‘i’ in ‘lie’. Coincidence?”
Foil continues: “Consider also the height difference. If the sisters were related, they would be the same height! Siblings don’t grow to be different heights, and I can prove it! My fourteen brothers and twenty-seven sisters never had more than an inch of difference in height; and one of my brothers is old enough to be my sisters’ father!”
When asked about the future of Equestrian politics, Foil had this to say: “It’s game over, man. We’re finished. Now that the truth is out, the rains are coming. Save yourselves! Build a boat! Hide yourselves from the Canterlot mind beams! Hide your kids; hide your wife! Some serious stuff is about to go down, man!”
~
February 1, XXXX
Manehattan News Network
Avian Informant Gives Credence to Royal Conspiracy
This morning, the Manehattan News Network was contacted by a Manehattan-native bird (who wishes to remain anonymous) regarding Equestria’s royal sisters. According to the informant, the two sisters are not sisters, but unrelated ponies posing as family in order to retain the throne.
A Manehattan News Network reporter had a chance to correspond with the informant.
Manehattan News Network: Would you please tell us again what you have to say on the matter of the royal sisters?
Informant: Of course. Simply put, the royal sisters are not actually sisters at all.
MNN: Do the two have any familial relation?
I: The two are completely unrelated. There are no ties between them at all.
MNN: This will be a hard theory for Equestrians to swallow. What evidence have you on the matter?
I: I have many connections throughout the country; many of them are connected closely to the royal sisters themselves.
MNN: You have informants within the government?
I: I do. Their hard work and determination has surfaced these letters and other official papers, the ones I sent you.
MNN: These letters… some of them are written by the princesses themselves. Are these real?
I: The royal stamp is present on each of them. I have connections, as well, to ponies in the forensics department of each of the major cities in Equestria; all of them have analyzed the documents and determined them to be legitimate.
MNN: Do you have any connection to the Equestrian Society of Truth?
I: *Laughs* I do not. The members of the Society of Truth are nothing more than baseless conspirators. While it is true that they have long been making the claim that the royal sisters are not related, they have never presented any noteworthy evidence of such.
MNN: Finally, why have you decided to make this knowledge public?
I: The citizens of Equestria deserve to know the truth of the matter. They deserve the complete transparency of the royal diarchy, and my informants and I are determined to continue to present the truth.
~
Arrest Warrant
From the desk of Princess Celestia
CC: Iron Shackles, Canterlot police chief; Heavy Sentence, Manehattan police chief; Lethal Injection, Las Pegasus police chief; Probable Cause, Trottingham police chief; Hugh Genics, Tall Tale police chief; Pepper Spray, Vanhoover police chief; Search N. Seizure, Cloudsdale police chief; Double Standard, Baltimare police chief; Cuddles Fluffshorts, Fillydelphia police chief; Twilight Sparkle, Golden Oak Library, Ponyville; desk of Princess Luna; desk of Princess Cadance, Crystal Empire; desk of Shining Armor, Crystal Empire; Fluttershy, Ponyville
Subject: Bloodwing
Species: Avian
Subspecies: Red-capped Robin
Sex: Male
Subject priority: Beta
Last known location: Manehattan (1/31/XXXX)
Use of force authorized. Take extreme caution; subject is armed and dangerous. Strategies for evasion of arrest include surrounding himself with other birds, flanking himself with backup, and tweeting nonchalantly under the guise of a non-criminal bird.
Arrest of identical innocents “strictly” prohibited.
‘Wanted’ posters to be spread throughout all major Equestrian cities and towns. Reward for arrest by civilian: 15,000 bits. Arrest reward taxation: 14,995 bits.
~
February 11, XXXX
Trottingham Tattler
Royal Sisters Revelation Causing Shockwaves Throughout Kingdom
Upon the news earlier this month that Equestria’s royal sisters are not biologically related, and the publication of royal documents that seem to prove it, ponies throughout Equestria are beginning to succumb to hysteria.
Riots have formed in all major Equestrian cities, and crowds are already beginning marches in protest outside their local municipal government buildings. A record number of arrests and detainments are being made as Equestrian authorities struggle to maintain order.
“We’ve never seen anything like this,” said Pepper Spray, the police chief of Vanhoover. “I knew our citizens are prone to mass hysteria, but I never expected chaos of this magnitude.”
Ponies present in riots and marches all over the nation have reported sightings of Discord, the magical monster responsible for the Chaos Crisis of XXXX; reports unanimously include the creature hovering high above the action, pointing and laughing. These reports have yet to be substantiated, although they do suggest a connection to other, unrelated reports of batons and other blunt objects spontaneously appearing whenever a conflict arises between civilians and police forces.
No official response has been made by the princesses with regard to the conspiracy, although they have spoken out against the hysteria:
“This behavior is absolutely unacceptable,” Princess Celestia told the Tattler . “I am greatly disappointed in my little ponies. This kind of disrespect toward civil authorities will not be tolerated.”
Princess Luna agreed to speak to a reporter of the Tattler , although the reporter’s record of the meeting only includes “interminable bouts of unintelligible screaming.” Princess Luna’s public relations office has apologized for the incident: “When agitated, her highness tends to lapse into usage of the Royal Canterlot Voice,” it explained, “a custom common for Equestrian royalty prior to her imprisonment on the moon one thousand years ago.”
The reporter present during Princess Luna’s “lapsing” remains catatonic, and has been admitted to the Canterlot General Hospital for intensive physical and psychological evaluation.
New branches of the infamous Equestrian Society of Truth are being established in every major city throughout the kingdom. Society vice president Tin Foil has issued a formal statement: “We told you so. Game over. Mind beams.”
Rallies have been made in Canterlot for the impeachment of the royal sisters, and the elevation of Tin Foil to the throne.
In other news, reports of mass griffin immigration into the country has some Equestrians concerned. The Equestrian princesses, including Princess Cadance of the Crystal Empire and Princess Twilight Sparkle of Ponyville, have declined to comment.
~
Dear Princess Celestia,
This is crazy! Have you ever seen anything like this? I sure haven’t! The only thing that comes close is that one sale on week-old muffins the Cakes put on last year, and even that doesn't compare to this! But I guess it must, because I just compared it!
Anyway, Spike is telling me that I need to hurry up, and Twilight has that look on her face again, so I’ll get to the point. I have an idea that could help solve all of your problems. You know, the problems about you not being related to Princess Luna? I knew that already, but I guess everypony else knows now too. Now Twilight has a different look on her face. I’ve never seen her mouth open so wide! I bet ya I could fit twenty cupcakes in there!
Anyway, Spike is telling me that I need to hurry up again. You know what solves all of my problems? Parties! But you know what else? Pranking! There’s nothing like a good prank war with Rainbow Dash to get me smiling if even a party doesn’t get me out of the dumps. That’s what you and Princess Luna need to do: pretend that this is all a prank! Say that you two are trying to get closer to the ponies of Equestria, and that this was all a test to see how fast important news could be spread to everypony! You haven’t made any official thingies yet, so it won’t go against anything you’ve already said.
I know you’re busy with everything; Twilight tells me that you two have been getting a lot of hate-mail recently. That’s just not nice. Ponies can be so rude! So I’m going to help you get the word out! But to do it, I’ll need help from another pony. Another pony so fun and super-exciting at partying that he just has to be great at pranking too! I mean, he carries around a rubber chicken. That’s comedy gold! What kind of pony would seriously talk to an animal that couldn’t even react to them, and just sat there with a blank look on its face? A crazy pony! And Cheese Sandwich is definitely not a crazy pony!
But I don’t know where he went, so can you help me? Twilight says it would be easy for you to find him, so just make sure he knows to come back to Ponyville as soon as he can. I’ll even throw him a Welcome-back-to-Ponyville party, but that might have to wait until everypony in Equestria stops punching each other because they’re upset.
Pinkie Pie
~
February 15, XXXX
Manehattan News Network
Royal Sisters Conspiracy a Hoax?
Following the startling reveal of the truth behind the royal diarchs’ familial relationship earlier this month, two ponies close to the princesses have told the Manehattan News Network that the conspiracy has been a hoax all along.
One of the ponies, Pinkie Pie of Ponyville, has already reached national fame for taking part in the salvation of Equestria from numerous threats in the past several years. Her achievements include freeing Princess Luna during the Second Nightmare Moon Invasion four years ago, thwarting Discord during the Chaos Crisis three years ago, and stopping an invasion of Changelings in Canterlot at the royal wedding two years ago of Princess Cadance and Canterlot royal guard captain Shining Armor. Pinkie Pie has intimate connections with all four princesses of Equestria, including the kingdom’s newest royal pony, Princess Twilight Sparkle.
The other informant, one Cheese Sandwich, is a well-known party planner by trade.
A Manehattan News Network reporter had a chance to speak with the two ponies.
Manehattan News Network: It is a pleasure to meet with you both.
Pinkie Pie: Ooh, what’s this thing?
MNN: That’s the camera. Please don’t touch it.
PP: Are we going to be on TV?
Cheese Sandwich: I think we are!
PP: *Screams excitedly*
MNN: Pinkie Pie and Cheese Sandwich. You--
PP / CS: Yes?
MNN: ...You have said that the conspiracy regarding the princesses’ sisterhood is actually an elaborate hoax?
CS: That it is. Princess Celestia personally put us in charge of making up a prank, so she could see how efficient communication is in Equestria. I was simply honored! Weren’t you honored, Pinkie?
PP: I was! I was honored!
CS: We were honored!
PP: Super honored!
PP / CS: *Screams excitedly*
MNN: Why did Celestia choose you, Cheese Sandwich? As far as we are aware, you have no personal connection to the princesses.
CS: I don’t, but Pinkie Pie does, and she personally vouched for me!
PP: Were you honored, Cheese?
CS: I was! I was honored!
PP: Princess Celestia knew that I was Ponyville’s permanent premiere pranking pony, and so she knew that if I thought Cheese Sandwich was a good pranker, then by Celestia, he’s a good pranker!
CS: So Pinkie Pie and I thought long and hard, and we decided that it would be fun to pretend that Princess Celestia and Princess Luna aren’t actually sisters!
PP: As if anypony would believe that !
MNN: It does sound outlandish, but many ponies in the country have believed it.
CS: Silly ponies are silly.
PP: We decided to step in when it seemed like nopony else got the joke.
MNN: What do you say about the leaked official documents?
PP: You can’t leak documents, silly. You can only leak liquid things, like water and vegetable oil.
CS: I think she means that the documents were made public, Pinkie.
PP: Oh! We made those.
MNN: You made those?
PP: Yep!
MNN: But what about the references within the documents to other leaked royal news?
CS: Such as?
MNN: Such as the reference in one letter from Princess Luna about an incident regarding the unlawful arrest of two traveling salesponies, an incident that both princesses have denied took place?
PP: Oh, uh, would you look at the time!
MNN: Is something the matter?
PP: There sure is! We have a, uh… a meeting! Right now! With… Twilight!
MNN: With Twilight Sparkle?
PP: Yep!
MNN: For official royal business, we take it?
PP: Yep! You know how it goes, her being a princess and all.
CS: Twilight Sparkle’s a princess?
MNN: Well, thank you for your time, you two.
PP / CS: No, thank you !
~
February 20, XXXX
Manehattan News Network
Royal Sisters Hoax Fallout Dying Down
When prominent Ponyville pony Pinkie Pie pronounced particularly promising pieces of news regarding the conspiracy that the two royal sisters are not actually related, claiming that the whole conspiracy had, in fact, been engineered by the princesses in order to test the efficiency of mass communication in Equestria, many remained skeptical.
Now, however, following the official statement of Princess Celestia insisting that such is the truth, most of Equestria has settled back down after the chaos this incident has caused.
Numerous ponies who had been arrested during protests and riots have been released from prison and compensated for the trouble.
Princess Cadance of the Crystal Empire has expressed satisfaction at the effectiveness of the Equestrian news outlets: “Despite the horrible and completely unexpected consequences of this little hoax, the speed at which this apparently-important piece of news spread bodes well for Equestrian communication.”
Even still, however, as Equestrian society works to clean up, there are a number of ponies still clinging to the conspiracy.
“It’s all a hoax, man!” said Tin Foil, vice president of the Equestrian Society of Truth and former presidential candidate. “I mean, this hoax that the hoax was a hoax! It’s not a hoax; the sisters aren’t sisters!” (Attempts by official Canterlot codebreakers to ascertain the meaning of this statement have proven fruitless, said Canterlot royal guard captain Shining Armor.)
Princess Twilight Sparkle wrote to the Manehattan News Network: “I just want Equestria to put all of this chaos behind us.”
Indeed, as major Equestrian cities have proven, the thing first and foremost on the minds of ponies the nation over is recovery.
~
Pinkie Pie put down the paper and sighed in contentment; another job well done. She smiled and hopped out of her room, determination in her eyes: she was planning a party, as she was wont to do.
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07. Three Hundred Micrograms, or Why Twilight Can't Have Nice Things ("Simple Ways")
Simple Ways
Episode 4/13
Prompt: It’s opposite day in Equestria! Write about someone swapping roles for a time.
Word count restriction: 1,000 - 7,000
Spike wrung his claws. “Aw, come on, Twilight. It’s not that bad…”
“Not that bad? Not that bad? ” Twilight swept her hoof to the pile of mangled books before them. “Spike, look at these! The spines are all bent, and some of the pages are ripped!”
He waddled over to the books and picked one up. “Well, at least none of them are burnt,” he said, flipping through the pages with a hesitant smile.
She sighed and sat on her haunches. “Yes, well, I guess there’s that. None of them are burnt.”
Spike felt a familiar pressure in his chest. His cheeks puffed, and before he could react, a large tongue of green fire burst from his mouth, incinerating the book and leaving a scroll in its stead. He blushed and tapped the ashes with his foot. “Um… almost none of them are burnt?”
Twilight simply sighed and levitated the scroll before her face. “This had better be good news…”
Dear Twilight Sparkle,
This letter is to congratulate you on your fantastic accomplishment! You have been picked among all the librarians in Equestria to receive the Equestrian Literary Society’s coveted Most Responsible Librarian Award, for your perfect and uncompromised reputation of keeping your books protected and free from damage. Your trophy, celebratory sash, and autographed photo of the Society’s members congratulating you and expressing their utmost trust that your care of books will continue unimpeded are to be delivered to your residence within the next few business days.
Keep up the good work!
Reasonable Doubt, Equestrian Literary Society chairman
“So what does it say?” asked Spike.
“It says I need to get a new assistant,” she replied bitterly.
From his perch near the window, Owlowiscious ruffled his feathers. “Hoo.”
“Yeah, Featherbrain has a point,” Spike said. “Who could possibly do a better job than us?”
Twilight gestured to the pile of ashes on the floor. “Maybe somepony that doesn’t have lighter fluid for saliva.”
He crossed his arms. “Look, Twilight. I’m sorry. I made a mistake. Can we move on, please?”
“I don’t think you have the proper respect for my work here, Spike.”
“Respect!” he repeated, throwing his arms into the air. “One mistake, and now I don’t have respect?”
“What about that time you spilled syrup all over my copy of How to Safely Store Liquids for the Incompetent ?”
He frowned. “Two mistakes, then.”
“Or that time you dropped a box full of new deliveries into a mud puddle outside?” she continued, a smirk growing on her face.
“Three… three mistakes.”
“Or that time you turned into a giant dragon and destroyed dozens of books because you couldn’t control your greed?”
“That wasn’t my fault!”
“Even so, it seems like you don’t show the amount of respect for these books that I expect of you.”
He set his claws on his hips. “And yet you leave me to run the place alone when you’re off saving the world from something or another.”
“Not quite,” she said, shaking her head. “I make sure to tell Owlowiscious to keep an eye on you.”
Spike turned to the bird and narrowed his eyes “Not one word, rat-eater.”
“Hoo.”
“You!”
“Hoo.”
“Are you deaf or something? You!”
“Hoo.”
Spike clutched his temples and stomped his feet. “I don’t believe this! I can do a perfectly fine job of running this place without anypony’s help!”
Owlowiscious took to the air and landed on Twilight’s back. “Hoo.”
“Don’t make me come over there,” Spike seethed.
Twilight brought a hoof to her chin. “No, Spike, I think he has a point.”
“What point is he making, besides how much he wants me to hurt him?”
“I think he’s saying that until I let you give running the library a try, we can’t know who is responsible enough.” She turned to her passenger. “Does that sound about right?”
“Hoo.”
Spike scratched the spine atop his head. “So, you’re gonna let me run the library?”
“I don’t see why not, as long as I’m around to make sure nothing goes wrong.”
“But how is that going to show that I’m responsible?”
“Hoo,” said Owlowiscious.
Twilight laughed. “Of course! I’ll just be your assistant! That way, you’ll get to experience the responsibility without me having to leave!”
“How are you getting all of this from him?” asked Spike.
“He’s very eloquent if you’d just give him a chance. Isn’t that right, Owlowiscious?”
“Hoo.”
Twilight blushed. “Oh, not in front of Spike, you naughty bird!” she giggled.
Spike shook his head. “So, when do we start?”
“Why not now?”
“Now?”
“Now.”
“Hoo.”
“Alright, then,” Spike said, stroking his chin. “Twilight, my assistant, I order you pick up these books.”
Twilight simply turned and began to trot up the stairs. “Sorry, but as your assistant, I have some chores to do.”
“Like what?”
“Like dusting the bedroom, which would be done already if you had done it when I asked you to.”
“Well, fine,” he said as she disappeared onto the upper floor. “It’s not like anything’s gonna happen while you’re gone.”
The door suddenly burst open to reveal absolutely nopony.
Spike cocked his head. “The heck?” He hesitantly approached the doorway and looked outside, first to the right, and then to the left. “Is… is anypony there?”
He received no answer, because there was, in fact, nopony there.
He stepped back inside and shut the door. “Twilight,” he called, “does our door ever just… open, by itself?”
“Stop playing with the door, Spike.”
“Of course,” he grumbled. “It’s always me, isn’t it?” He turned to the pile of damaged books and sighed. “Well, I guess these do have to be put away.” He picked one up at random and looked at the cover. “The Importance of Being Robert . This goes in fiction, I think.” So he waddled to the proper bookcase, set the book in its place, and returned to the stack. “How to Win Friends and Influence Ponies . Nonfiction.” There the book went, and to the pile Spike returned. “The Importance of Being Robert .”
He paused. “Huh. We must have gotten two copies.” He walked to where he had placed the first, and his jaw dropped. “Where did the first one go? It was right here!” He put the book in its place and returned to the pile. “Calm down, Spike,” he told himself, “it’s nothing. Let’s see, now. How to Win Friends and… ” He ran to where he had placed it the first time, and was greeted by an empty space. “What in Equestria is going on here?”
He returned to the pile once more, and placed prominently on the top of the pile were the two books he had just shelved. He swatted them away. “Maybe all of these are just… just copies of the same two books?” He picked up another, whose cover read You’re Crazy, Spike.
He dropped the book and gasped. “What? What is this?” He began to sift through the pile. “You’re Insane, Spike … You’re Delusional, Spike… You’re Two Bits Short of a Barrel, Spike… Spike, You Lack the Mental Faculties Necessary to Achieve the Threshold Required to Function Independently… ” He backed away from the pile and shouted: “Twilight! ”
She came galloping down the stairs. “What in Celestia’s name is it, Spike? Are you alright?”
He pointed to the pile. “L-l-look at the books,” he said. “R-read the titles.”
She shot him a curious look and approached the pile. “I don’t see anything unusual here, Spike,” she said, sifting through the books. “Besides the broken spines and dirty pages, there’s nothing wrong with these books.”
“Nothing wrong? Look at this!” He ran to her and picked up a book. “Explain why the cover says…” He gulped. “Defecation is for Everypony ?”
She levitated it and flipped through the pages. “It’s a book for foals about using the bathroom, Spike. I believe I had you read it when you were younger. You were a slow learner, remember?”
He clenched his fists and felt his cheeks burn. “All of these books were about me a minute ago!”
“About you?”
“They were all called stuff like You’re Crazy, Spike !”
She blinked, and then frowned. “Oh, I get it. I said you couldn’t handle the responsibility, and now you’re pretending that you have no idea what you’re doing.”
“What?”
She began to trot back up the stairway. “Instead of mocking me, Spike, why don’t you try to prove me wrong?” She paused to smirk at him. “If you can.”
He huffed and turned back to the pile.
“Spike,” Twilight said as she gestured to the pile, “why haven’t you picked these up?”
Spike gasped and swung his head to the staircase. “But… but you were…”
“But I was what, Spike?” She glared at him, disapproval showing in her eyes.
“But you just went upstairs!”
“If I just went upstairs, how could I be down here?” She shook her head. “Stop playing games and pick these up.”
“B-but what about our bet? What about you being the assistant?”
She trotted past him and began to ascend the stairs. “Don’t be silly, Spike. Please, just do what I’ve asked.”
“But… but I…” He groaned. “Yes, Twilight.” He turned back to the pile.
“Spike,” Twilight said as she gestured to the pile, “why haven’t you picked these up?”
He sputtered and fell onto his back. “But I… You were… You just…”
“But I was what, Spike?” She glared at him, disapproval showing in her eyes.
“How did you get from upstairs to here so fast?”
“What are you talking about?”
“I just saw you go upstairs twice!”
Twilight’s glare disappeared. Her head turned mechanically back to the pile, and her face became adorned with an expression of frustration. “Spike,” she said as she gestured to the pile, “why haven’t you picked these up?”
Spike simply stared.
“Spike,” she said as she gestured to the pile, “why haven’t you picked these up?”
“Twilight…”
“Spike,” she said as she gestured to the pile, “Spike, why haven’t… why haven’t you picked these up?”
“Twilight, are you… are you alright?”
“Spike,” she said as she gestured to the pile, “why haven’t… Spike, why… why… Spike… picked these up?”
“Twilight, you’re scaring me.”
Twilight’s pupils dilated to enormous size, and her mouth hung open, letting loose a blue smoke.
Spike screamed and crawled away. “Twilight! Twilight, what’s happening?”
The smoke coalesced into the form of Zecora. “Your mind has shattered, youthful one,” it said. “Your entry into the darkness has begun!”
“My what?”
The blue smoke exploded outward, and Spike found himself sitting in a plane composed entirely of the hazy gas. “What’s going on?”
Spike appeared in front of Spike. “Dragon,” Spike said. “Dragon dragon dragon pony pony dragon.”
“What?”
“Pony dragon dragon pony pony pony dragon.”
“Who are you?”
Spike fell backward and Spike fell forward and Spike met Spike and Spike began to convulse and the smoke turned into a giant rainbow and dollops of chocolate began to rain from the rainbow and Spike used his hoof to scoop up some chocolate and then he was afraid because King Sombra had stolen his diamond but then he felt happy because Rarity and Fluttershy were dancing so beautifully and the colors all melted together and Spike melted and the world melted and everything felt blank and everything was dark because Spike was now unconscious.
~
“Sister!” Luna said, her eyes shining with excitement. “I have taken your wise advice and have improved my pranking prowess!”
Celestia set the papers she had been looking at onto her desktop. “Oh? How so, Luna?”
“The princess of the night hath deposited hallucinogenic drugs into the food of the librarian’s draconic inferior!” she squealed, practically shaking with mirth.
Celestia blinked before bringing her forehooves to her temples. “Luna, in the name of the Cosmos, please tell me you’re joking.”
“Who is most deserving of the title of ‘best pranker’?” Luna cheered. “Certainly not Celestia, or the wicked, motley fiend!”
“Luna,” Celestia continued slowly, “you cannot drug our little ponies.”
Luna waved a hoof. “Oh, certainly! But I did not drug a pony! The prank was received by a dragon!”
Celestia’s stern frown wavered before she burst into laughter. “Oh, Luna. Whatever will I do with you?”
Back in Ponyville, Spike stacked cheese wheels with his tentacles, as he was wont to do.
