Chapters Princess Luna Finds a Gun
Chapter 1: The M249 Squad Assault Weapon
Okay, so remember that doofus who lives in the big castle up in Canterlot? You know, the pretty one. Alright, that really limits it down to like, everypony in Canterlot, but you get what I’m saying. I’m trying to say you should start thinking about Princess Luna. Aiight, so now that we’re on the same track, you ought to know something about that moon-dork. She’s super lumping old. Yeah, I wouldn’t guess it either but she’s about one thousand years old at least, but that’s totally okay. You see she’s also some weird mutant that’s a cross between a narwhal, a swan, a horse, and I think she may even have a bit of platypus that doesn’t show but it’s in there just so that her genes will scream “Why was I born?” So that’d explain why she can live for so long. I don’t know where I’m going with this but the point is that she’s been away for a very long time and so she doesn’t know how the world works. She’s the perfect candidate to use a standard US Armed Forces M249 Machine Gun.
But it’s not like a darn thing in that entire paragraph matters. Because our story begins in an unclassified army field base, whatever they call it, where some unclassified army field training is going on, whatever they call it, with an unclassified army field machine gun, whatever they call it. And heading this operation to get these young pups up to speed on the latest armed forces info is none other than Sergeant Cortez.
“Listen up you bunch of fine young gentlemen and Private Skittles. You are all here, some more welcomed than others,” Cortez said whilst glaring daggers straight at Private Skittles, “to learn the overall information necessary to the the new M249 Squad Assault Weapon model” He gestured with his hand over to a table that displayed a functional model of the aforementioned weapon.
The machine was quite imposing, gunmetal grey except for the stock which was clearly of some composite black plastic yet still wicked in design. It was clear just from sight that this beast of a carefully arranged melange of metal was designed for one purpose, and it’s purpose was clear. Its only possible flaw was that of how it is the size of a small child, and even then one must shudder at the thought that this awful construct was formed this way so that it would easily slither and crash amongst the fields of battle. Even the mighty iPod would shrivel in comparison to the fright induced by the mere image of such a vastly superior weapon.
“This design is different than the one you may have seen prior.”
A hand went up from the crowd of soldiers. “Oh oh! Why is that Sarge? It looks just like a regular machine gun!”
Cortez’s face went deadpan. He thought that perhaps while giving the chance to educate these good soldiers, and Private Skittles, a lesson that would perhaps save their lives one day he would find solace despite the presence of one person. He forgot for one brief moment that Private Skittles was among the ranks before him.
So Cortez just pinched his nose so that he could resist breaking a blood vessel in his face from pure frustration and shut his eyes in the vain hopes that perhaps this redundancy to the human race would disappear to the farthest reaches of whatever void that spawned him. He had no such luck. “Private Skittles” He said before he took one deep breath “shut up.”
Cortez then cleared his throat and continued to speak. “Now, as you can see, it doesn’t look vastly different than your typical multi-role automatic weapon, but you will trust me when I say that it is so much more. This specific firearm, which shall be standard issue for support gunner units, has been imbued with mystical powers to give it nigh infinite ammunition.”
“But Sarge, doesn’t magic not exist?” Asked Private Skittles.
“I swear Private Skittles,” Cortez began, holding his hands in frustration and strangling the air in front of him as his imagination desperately desired for them to be clamped around the inquiring private’s neck. “If you don’t stop interrupting I will tie you to a tree and show you exactly why we call it the SAW. Now shut up!”
Private Skittles zipped his pie hole. For now.
“Anyways, aside from that this is your basic model. And tell you all what, I’ll give you a little surprise if you can answer a bit of trivia. Lets start with something simple. A vehicle is heading along a stretch of road from left to right at fifteen miles per hour at a distance from you at five hundred meters. How much should you lead your sights to adjust for this discrepancy?”
Sergeant Cortez looked with disappointment at the blank stares he got from the crowd of soldiers. He couldn’t expect much, they were mostly rookies and so he immediately forgave them. Well, except for the one raising his hand high in the air who was just begging to be court martialed for being a jerk, if that was a prosecutable crime. Still, may be if he is ignored he’ll give up.
“Sarge, you aim one times the length of the vehicle!”
Cortez remembered the mantra that calmed him down. ‘One of these days he will be shipped to open combat. That will be the day the world will be rid of this scumbag.’ He still couldn’t ignore him though.
“That’s it Private Skittles, you’re grounded. Now stay quiet!” Private Skittles put his hand down but still stayed in rank, with that dumb, goofy smile on his face. Cortez continued, despite his boiling frustration. “Alright, that involved a little arithmetic, but you’d do best to remember it soldiers, and Private Skittles. Next question: Say one thing you should do when aiming from a prone position with a bipod supported weapon?”
This time he saw nearly every hand reach to the stars, and he knew that this band of soldiers wouldn’t be coming back in a pine box. “Alright, Private Seung, answer!”
As this young man on duty was about to answer, Private Skittles took this amble opportunity to show just how stupid he was. “You draw an imaginary line from the top of the stock that should go through the shoulder and pass through the heel of the foot.” And he lifted his chin up all proud like he earned a cookie.
Oh, he did earn something alright. Sergeant Cortez reached to his ammo pouch and pulled a strap off of the side that contained one of the standard issue grenades those in the service were known for. One on each side of the ammo pouch, and this one will be used for a glorified purpose. He showed them all the grenade which resembled a ball with a lever. He then unscrewed the top and pulled out a metallic rod with the lever from its explosive housing. Cortez held the two parts of this weapon in both hands and showed that he now held something that looked like a toilet paper holder with a lever, this was the part that he removed, and in the other remained the olive drab ball that had a hole in it where the rod went.
They were all impressed with this show of dexterity. Especially one infuriatingly annoying private. “Wow Sarge, so that’s how you take apart a grenade?”
‘Sarge’ as he was now known as answered this by smacking Private Skittles between the eyes with the ball which left a great big welt right on his face. Private Skittles went down like a sack of potatoes and went quiet. With him out of the way, perhaps Cortez could finally get to work.
“Alright everyone, now that we can focus I’d like to let you all know you get the chance to try out this model. Courtesy of me, for all your hard work and service.”
Cheering was forbidden, and had they done this Cortez surely would have reprimanded them. But the joy from this revelation shined bright on the faces of these soldiers as they all beamed in gratitude for this opportunity.
Then Private Skittles got up and was all like “That is awesome! Thanks sarge!”
Cortez lost it. He charged right at Private Skittles and grabbed him up by the collar and started shaking him violently. “I hate you so much Private Skittles, I swear that I will obliterate you! You’re a Willie Nelson fan, right?”
Private Skittles’ hair was a mess, his eyes were rolling side to side, and he was totally discombobulated but still managed to nod in agreement.
“I hate Willie Nelson! That’s right, I hate you and the bands you like!” Cortez let go of this bumbling private and went back to the display of the weapon. Or at least, he would had the weapon still been there. It was totally gone.
“Okay, did anyone see where the machine gun went?” He said, without turning to face the crowd. He waved a hand over the table to make sure he wasn’t tripping out, and after concluding that only empty space was there, he was about to go ballistic. “Come on, anyone?” He turned back to face the crowd now, and was extremely livid when he saw only one guy had his hand raised. A guy with a bruised forehead.
He didn’t even care anymore about where the M249 went, he wasn’t about to listen to one more of this jerk’s inane comments. So he reached out to the other side of his ammo pouch, and just stood still groping at air. His other grenade was gone.
“Private Skittles.” Cortez called out.
“Yes sir?”
“I hate you.”
Author's Note
Private Skittles is always responsible. And trust me, you don't want to sympathize with him, there is a very good and justifiable reason why Private Skittles is abused at all times.
Oh, and these guys probably won't appear any time in the story other than this chapter, and yet they necessitate the human tag.
Also, the abuse of Private Skittles is the primary reason why this story is rated Teen, because otherwise this story would be rated Everyone. I mean, I'm sure the guys who pass and deny stories would have been cool about it, but you never know. There may be some nutbar who sympathizes with Private Skittles who'd report the harsh language and overt violence demonstrated at Private Skittles which, in all fairness, would qualify as objectionable content and so the aforementioned broskis would have their hands tied. So in everyone's best interests, this story will have to be rated Teen, sorry kids. Thanks Private Skittles, you jerk.
Princess Luna Finds a Gun
Chapter 2: Luna's Morning Bedtime
Okie dokes, so the thing about the princesses is that they have this weird schedule which comes along with controlling celestial bodies like the sun and the moon. You might think ‘Oh hey, why can’t a pony whose talents including ruling over a monarchy rule instead of these two?’ No. And come morning, guess who’s going to be raising the sun? You know what, stop guessing, you’re wrong. It’s Princess Celestia. Even if you guessed Princess Celestia you’re still wrong.
So Princess Celestia got up just before morning when she was to raise the sun. With one hoof and another she wiped the sleep sand from her eyes, and just sat up too tired to walk. She did not wake up this morning to feel tired. Still, a job’s a job and if she didn’t do it then everypony was going to start criticizing her for being slothful, which means she’ll have to lay off the cakes to do away with that image. And it’ll be a snowball’s chance in the fire plains if she’ll let that happen. So she turned on the lights, lifted her head from under the sheets, and started freaking out because she saw a blue horse’s head with a spike going up through the skull right next to her.
She was about to yell out but this kinda thing happens more than you’d think. But what would you expect when you tangle with the Italians? Anyways, she surveyed the situation. The horse’s head was not bleeding so all she really needed to do was just lift it out of the sheets and toss it out a window no problem. I mean, it’ll still exist but it won’t be her problem. So she lifted up the covers of the bed, but when she did she threw that plan away because the horse’s head belonged to a horse’s body. A body with wings. And upon examination it wasn’t a spike going through the horse’s head, it was just a horn.
Well that’s a relief, it was just Princess Luna. So Celestia began to calm down, but then she got a bit miffed when it finally hit her that her sister was sleeping in her bed, and that was totally not cool.
“Luna, wake up.”
Her sister just kicked her legs a little while she still slept like she was dreaming she was dreaming. But that was the problem, she was still sleeping.
“Wake up!”
Luna groaned but kept her eyes closed. There was no way she was going to get up from the comfiest mattress in the world, even if she was lying in a puddle of her own drool.
Celestia began to shove at Luna with her snout, being only loosely careful not to impale her sister with her horn, but she found this to be radically difficult. This was only exacerbated when she felt a sudden lightness to her form which was backed up when she looked at herself and saw that she was enveloped in a dark blue magic and being levitated off of the bed and dropped onto the floor nearby.
Now free of that, she went over to the other side of the bed and yanked off the covers.
“Luna, get up. This isn’t a sleepover, get to your own bed.”
Luna rolled onto her belly and let her hooves splay across the bed so much that she was pretty much taking up all the prime real estate on the sheets.
“No sister, your bed is too comfy. And now it is mine.”
“You can’t have my bed, you have your own!”
“Too late. I have already conquered this in the name of my kingdom.” Said Luna, before gloating by burying her face into the super soft, billowy pillow. “And there’s nothing you can do about it!”
Celestia just shook her head. It was way too early for this. “Luna, I’m going to go get breakfast. If you’re not out of my bed and in the dining room by the time I get there then I will tell the chefs you will only be getting oats for this week.” And with this threat, which was by no means empty, Celestia left the room.
Now, Luna didn’t care. After all it is known that ponies, even the mighty Alicorn Princess that she is, eat oats all the time so it was really no big deal. It’s not like she’d be only allowed to eat granola. But come to think of it, what is granola anyways? Luna was up in five seconds when she also realized this, because clearly when Celestia meant ‘oats’ she meant ‘granola,’ and granola is absolute evil. Luna knew she could not let this turn out like that time Celestia stuffed her bedpillows full of granola, so Luna ran right out of the room with the greatest urgency of anything.
Just down the hallway, Luna could see the stairs in sight. She shivered at the mere thought of them as awful memories flashed through her mind. Luckily, this time she wouldn’t have to put up with a whole great ordeal because she could just fly down the stairs instead of spending a whole day trying to descend them normally. And in this absent-mindedness, she ended up tripping over some big clunky metal contraption left so carelessly in the the middle of the hall. You ever see an alicorn princess trip and fall? Well if not then I’m sorry because it’s the most funny thing I have ever seen.
So Luna ended up in, like, a pretzel formation with one leg going one way and another leg going the other way and she had absolutely no clue where her spleen thought it was going. But while she lied on the floor as a big mess she turned her head and out of the corner of her eye she spied what had caused all this: It was a big metal hunk of junk that didn’t look like anything she could put a hoof on. She figured it must’ve been something brought in by one of the cleaning staff, something that has been outlawed ever since the Great Peanut Butter Incident. So after she got herself untangled she went over and took a look at it just for the hay of it.
Now, thinking back on it, I have no idea what really happened so I’m going to make up a bunch of stuff. Luna picked up the thingamajig with her magic and then looked around.
“Hello, does anypony know what this is?”
Worst case scenario: This device was probably going to end up ruining the monarchy, probably through some means involving pudding. Best case scenario, this thing dispenses ribbon candy.
So Luna, being the astute observer with a thousand years of wisdom at her disposal, wisely looked down one end of the machine and stared down a hollow tube. Now, considering there is only one thing with hollow metal tubes she could think of, it’s pretty obvious at this point that this was a part to one of the castle’s water closets. Which probably meant that Celestia ruined yet another bathtub by eating cake in the shower again.
Anyways, before she did in fact return it to the bathroom, it’s probably best she do what the many workers in her castle didn’t do and ensure that the mechanism still operated efficiently. So, careful not to get sprayed in the face with heavens knows what, she pointed the tube away from her and examined the device. From what she could ascertain was the underside of it, she saw that connected as a plastic belt containing a number of brass objects, which were all probably scent-inducers that served to eliminate the need for soap. Moving downwards a little more, she finally saw a ring and inside the ring was a curved lever. So with this lever now found, she pressed it.
What ensued has been cataloged in a number of official reports, magazines, and newspapers across Equestria and has been a moment in Equestrian’ history of great terror and fear happened upon the populace that has never been experienced since the days of Nightmare Moon’s rising. And if you don’t believe me then ask Trey Hamburger, he’ll back me up. He's an earnest guy.
A plume of fire erupted from the tube and havoc was wrecked upon wherever it was pointed. Bullets were flying all over the place, shattering columns and windows wherever they so passed. The force produced kicked the weapon back with such great power that it chipped the marble flooring and the entire machine ran wildly and out of control. And, of course, Luna was startled and dropped the gun onto the floor.
Now, she would’ve wiped the loudest sweatdrops of all off of her forehead, but she couldn’t because the trigger was stuck so the gun was still firing wildly and totally tearing up an entire wall at the end of a wing of the castle. Fun Fact: Castles have wings but yet they often are incapable of flying, and if they are it’s not because of the wings. Anyways, by now she knew that magic alone could not restrain this thing so she made the wise decision to just pick it up with her hooves. And so with the machine gun rattling and rolling and just overall going nutsz on the floor, Luna picked it right up and held it aloft in her hooves. She cradled it against her sternum as it kept knocking her backwards, throwing her totally off balance and making all her efforts seem useless.
Now you might be thinking about what happened to all the staff in the castle? Surely they would respond to such an amazing uproar, especially the guards who’s sole duty it is to protect the princesses. Everyone was on vacation. Or they were on strike. I dunno, it was a wild time in the 80’s. Although this story does not take place in the 80’s. The point is, nopony was around inside the castle except for Celestia and probably a handful of staff who have only one job and they are doing it well. So the whole situation was under control.
So the next course of action Luna took made sure that this entire problem got out of castle grounds.
So Luna was just stumbling and bumbling around like a dork while the gun kept on firing. It seemed like there was nothing she could do at all. But then she remembered how she defeated the most vile foe of all: The stairs. And with this in mind she turned the gun away from the stairs, she got on her belly, and she started sliding like a penguin down the stairs and towards the door. Now, her plan was foalproof, don’t get me wrong, but it had one fatal flaw: This was Equestria.
Anyways, Luna started spinning around, like a penguin, and she was trying oh so desperately to keep the gun remaining at her side and pointed away from her face-head. Now, this only compounded the problem because at first she remembers heading face first towards the bottom floor of the castle and towards the front doors. Now she seems to be sliding away from some destroyed architecture that shone light through. Oh wait, that was the top of the stairs, oops. Anyways, the gun was firing behind her so that when she finally reached the first floor she ended up blowing away the giant two heavy wooden doors built specifically to resist a siege. Turns out they went down like it was nothing.
Yeah, this morning is turning out to be pretty lumping awesome.
Author's Note
If you don't know who Trey Hamburger is he's the author of Ghosts/Aliens, and I've never met him before in my life but I'm pretty sure he'd back me up on this.
Princess Luna Finds a Gun
Chapter 3: Luna Hits the Big City
Did I mention Princess Luna’s a racist?
Anyways, Luna continued to slide past the entrance to the castle and was still spinning wildly out of control. Now, this wouldn’t be a problem, except for that she was totally wrecking up the castle grounds. Walls were being torn down like they were made of construction paper. I mean, they were, but now everypony will know that the perimeter walls to the royal castle are made of construction paper. And if that weren’t bad enough, all the various statues across the decorative measures, even the cute little water fountains, just got totally decimated and left into a pile of rubble. Luckily this isn’t so bad, because that same rubble could probably be used to replace the now totally destroyed cobblestone path.
Eventually she managed to get control of the situation, and by that I mean she just flipped onto her back and clutched the continually firing machine to her soft belly with the barrel pointed behind her so that she was being propelled forward. This would’ve been so awesome had the gun have enough power to lift her off the ground, but all it did was bust up the steps to the castle and shoot her towards Canterlot. So really, this entire problem resolved itself. Well, except for Canterlot, that city is going down.
Alright, so at first everything was totally hunky-dory in the middle of Canterlot, everypony was attending to their own business and enjoying the day as mandated by Equestrian code 7-16, when Luna shows up with a machinegun and totally destroys a nearby fruit stand! And really, everybody was way too shocked by this to even run away because of two things: One, it’s Princess Luna so you’d have to expect she’d do something pretty loony, on account that she hasn’t the knowledge of how modern things work nowadays. And the second thing is that when you see a princess sliding on her back while holding an M249 Squad Assault Weapon who ends up blasting apart a fruit stand you want to stay and watch what happens.
But then the barrel of the gun where the bullets were firing out of tilted to the side a bit and Luna started spinning around like some wicked hip-hop star. Good for if you wanted to open up a music video, bad if you were in the middle of the Canterlot city square where you could get shot. So everypony panicked and started running this way and that and ducking behind streetlights and into stores as bullets went all over the place.
One of the loyal citizens ducked beneath the ruined fruit cart which was stationed in front of a storefront with a large glass window. And only one emotion plagued this one pony: Absolute terror. It’s like you can’t go out these days without that one lousy storefront window just bursting apart and showering all the nearby ponies with glass, and this day was little different. Well, except for that the entire store was also being totally blown away because of the ratatat from Luna’s machinegun. And what’s worse was that he was the only pony left out in the open, and Luna saw this.
So Luna got up on her hind legs, wrapped her forelegs cautiously around the weapon, as careful as one would be when holding in their hooves a constantly firing automatic rifle, and she started walking over to this poor guy. This could either end super well or super awful. So Luna just stood right in front of him while he was cowering beneath the ruins of the storefront, taking careful wild aim at the sky whilst shell casings rained upon the pony. She knew he was frightened and thus leaned down and spoke in the royal canterlot way, which was at the top of her lungs.
“Hello there dear citizen of Equestria. I’m sorry for the inconvenience, I’m having quite a difficult time you see. As such, I would like to make a formal request for your assistance.”
She said over the sound of the gun while it continued to produce the explosive sounds that resulted in a ferocious roar from its metallic form.
“Could you be of the most help and do me such a huge favor? Could you have a nice day?”
Now, he probably answered, but there was no chance that she was going to hear it over the sound of gunfire. This was starting to become a bit of a huge problem, so it’s probably best she finds some consulting on the matter. So using magic to assist herself as she held the gun with one of her hooves, she started running three-legged and took off with her wings and just flew right out of the city. Well, what’s left of the city. Anyways, where she was going was to find the biggest nerdicorn ever to exist in the history of ever. She should know what to do!
Author's Note
There's a bunch of facts about Luna I wanted to include in this story. Like, I once saw Luna eat her family alive. That's why everypony was afraid she'd gobble them up when she came back at Nightmare Night.
. . . They got better.
I might be lying, I dunno, I forget huge portions of life when I'm not on coffee.
Princess Luna Finds a Gun
Chapter 5: Luna Gets Schooled!
Oh those fond memories of the days when Luna was but a wee filly and how she would cuddle up with her pet kitten. They would scamper about the castle grounds and sleep together, and when Luna felt sad that same little kitten was always there. I’m not sure what happened to that kitten, but I’m pretty sure Luna ate it up.
So where our story left off, Luna was heading down the road from Twilight’s house towards the local schoolyard. Because after all, everypony armed with something that visits Twilight always goes to the schoolyard on their next stop, it’s just the way life is sometimes. And while Luna was tearing up the town on her way there, literally, she happened to past the line of sight of the three schoolfillies Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle, and Applebloom. When Applebloom caught sight of Luna waving the machinegun around in all directions, she started wigging out.
“Girls, we gotta get outta here!”
“Why?” Inquired Sweetie Belle.
“Sweetie, Applebloom is right.” Scootaloo said. “We have to bail, Luna’s in Ponyville again. We’re all banned from being near Luna, remember?”
“That’s not why, look at what she has!” Applebloom then pointed out the obvious bullet hose Luna was using to spray lead all over the place.
Sweetie squinted her eyes a bit and then held a hoof to her chin as she fell into a fond nostalgia. “Wow, that looks kinda like a bigger version of that water gun I had last summer.”
“Wait what?”
Sweetie would’ve elaborated on this, but something else was requiring her attention. “Girls look! She’s heading to the schoolyard!”
"We gotta stop her!" Exclaimed Applebloom
And in unison, the three proclaimed “Cutie Mark Crusaders, Go!”
But before they could go on ahead, Scootaloo stopped the girls and pointed something else out “Wait up, look!” She gestured a hoof at one particular schoolfilly in the yard, one who happened to be wearing a tiara.
“Well, we’re supposed to focus on trying to get our cutie marks for skipping school anyways, right? Let’s just keep doing that.” Said Scootaloo to the nodding heads of her compatriots. And with that they did not go to the school.
Meanwhile, in the schoolyard, Diamond Tiara was having quite the discussion with a portly colt by the name of Snips.
“Anyways, that’s why Megas XLR is the worst thing ever.”
“But it’s so cool!”
“You’re wrong, and you should feel wrong. But what can be expected from such an uncouth ruffian as yourself.”
Snails cocked his head to the side. “Huh?”
And as Diamond Tiara held her head high in victory in an argument that would last ages, Cheerilee appeared next to them.
“Good morning children, are you two playing nicely?”
“Oh, but of course Miss Cheerilee.” Stated Diamond Tiara with a wave of her hoof. “We were simply having a little talk about some of the finer points of civility.”
“Miss Cheerilee, what’s an expected?”
Cheerilee smiled delicately at the inquisitive colt. “Snips, remember how I said there aren’t any stupid questions, only stupid ponies?”
“Uh huh?”
“This is one of those situations.”
Snips was glad that Cheerilee kinda accepted that she was pretty dumb after all. Seriously, what teacher issues math and P.E. on the same day? He would’ve probably enjoyed this a lot more if a hail of bullets hadn’t soared inches over his mane and struck against the wall of the schoolhouse.
Cheerilee quickly turned her head to look at the dread that was Luna with a machinegun. Luna was bad enough, she remembers hearing rumors around the schoolhouse that Luna once ate some foreign kid’s backside, and now that she’s armed this can not end well.
“Kids, inside!” She shouted, quickly gathering up all the kids and shuffling them inside the school, which was only arguably more safe than the outside where a mad alicorn princess was waving a machinegun. With the kids all inside, she forced them all against the floor so that they’d probably get shot less and she went over to her desk, which was a lot more secure, and she hid under it. She heard that schools were prone to incidents like this ever since that blind pony brought a cane that shot bullets to class, but she never thought that it would happen to such a peaceful place as Ponyville!
Next thing she knows, Luna bursts into the classroom and blows out the ceiling of the class, causing it to collapse on everypony. Luckily they’re kids so there was less of them to hit with the ceiling, so they’ll be fine. Anyways, while the firearm in Luna’s hands continued to fire off and buck against her, she aimed it skywards and spoke in the royal canterlot voice.
“ATTENTION YOUNG CITIZENS OF PONYVILLE, I HAVE COME TO WARN YOU TO STAY AWAY FROM ME FOR THE NEXT FEW DAYS AS I AM IN A COMPROMISED STATE OF SECURITY. I AM SURE YOU HAVE NOTICED THAT I AM UNFORTUNATELY BURDENED BY HAVING TO CARRY THIS AWFUL CONTRAPTION AROUND WITH ME, AND IT IS THIS CONTRAPTION THAT MEANS YOU MUST BEWARE OF MY PRESENCE UNTIL THIS SITUATION IS RESOLVED! THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME!”
And she left the ruins that were once a classroom and continued down the road to the public square. If she had stayed, she would have seen the bodies erupting from the wreckage and debris, intact though certainly frightened. All except for one inquisitive pony who trotted up to Miss Cheerilee who came from behind her desk.
“Miss Cheerilee, does this mean class is over?”
Author's Note
Megas XLR is factually probably the best thing ever. Diamond Tiara, upon her first statement, probably attracted the most heat any creature in existence could have possibly attracted. It was basically like she made a heel turn from an already heel position to a heel level beyond that. She is a super villain. What I'm saying is that the opinion of Diamond Tiara is not shared by the author, or any other living being on this planet.
Princess Luna Finds a Gun
Chapter 6: Machineguns Versus Wub Wubs
Fun Fact: Okapis originated on the moon during the time that Nightmare Moon was banished to the moon. Coincidence or evidence that Luna is involved in sinister animal cruelty?
So Vinyl Scratch, hip hoppin’ DJ that just so happened to be in Ponyville at the time, was speaking with some random civilian about a new invention she created that appeared to be two speakers separated by a hollow box.
“And so I call this the ghetto blaster.”
“I don’t know about this vinyl, boomboxes are pretty heavy-”
“Yeah they are! That just means they can drop heavy beats!”
Lyra Heartstrings, a musician in her own right, shook her head at this interruption. “No, I mean that this could probably kill a pony with the force you say it’ll hurl them out at.”
“Dang right it’s got force! It’ll force everypony to dance!”
“No, I mean if you fire this at somepony then the shockwave from it should probably knock everypony around them down.”
“You’re totally right. Everypony’s gonna get down when this thing starts popping off!”
Exasperated, Lyra applied pressure to the bridge of her nose and attempted to be patient. “Vinyl, I respect you as a musician but you can’t use this. Somepony can get seriously hurt.”
“Oh come on, it’s not like I’m Princess Luna. See?” And Vinyl reached over the surface of her machine to point out the moon princess who was in the town center, shooting up the place.
Lyra ducked under a bench. “Vinyl, get down! She’s going crazy again!”
“It’s alright, I got this.” And Vinyl slammed her hoof on a button behind the machine. It started to rattle like a washing machine that’s been overloaded, something ponies never have to deal with because they are all pretty much naked. And after a little bit of adjustments, Vinyl tilted the hollow end upwards and pointed it straight at Princess Luna. From forth it burst out a gigantic boombox that was playing some sick beats that sounded like a robot was getting a root canal. Hooves down, it was probably one of Vinyl’s best tracks playing.
At this point in time Luna happened to be in the center of town making a grand announcement.
“AND SO THAT IS WHY YOU SHOULD STAY AWAY UNTIL THE SITUATION IS RESOLVED! KEEP IN MIND THAT NIGHTMARE NIGHT IS STILL GOING TO HAPPEN, SO LOOK FORWARD TO THE FESTIVITIES.”
And with her announcement concluded. Luna could pay attention to the odd noise that seemed to be clouding the sound of gunshots. Had she not been an alicorn, she was sure that her ears may have been bleeding, as what she seemed to be hearing was the new music that ponies seemed to be listening to nowadays. She turned her body to face the source of this awful sound and subsequently had her gut crushed with a wild flying boombox playing dubstep. The dubstep made it all the more painful.
Now, normally Luna is totally down for tummy wubs, because tummy wubs are some of the best wubs ever next to head massages or when a pony scratches behind her ears, it’s just super awesome. But this is the worst tummy wub in the world. Sure, there were wubs, and there was her tummy, but it hurt pretty bad. She doubled over, clutching her belly and almost passed out.
With the tyrant pretty much dead, Vinyl lifted her noteworthy violet tinted shades in surprise that she just took out a princess and she decided to bail. Her her speed she left the ghetto blaster and its ammunition behind.
Several hours later a zebra colt in Detrot was waiting at home for his father to return. It was getting around lunchtime, or at least lunchtime for all the other ponies. Little Ice Pac knew that he would be lucky if he would manage to get a slice of bread from some generous pony, but life was much too hard for him to even have this token of kindness. Life never seemed to treat this poor colt with any favor, he had to grow up on the streets with his dad for a couple of years until they finally managed to live in some rinky dink apartment, and even then it wasn’t much different except for the four walls and the decrease in rat nests. But still, he was able to count his one blessing and that was that he had a dedicated and hard working father who he knew was doing his best to raise him. And the least he could do was wait for Ice Cube to return.
And after a while, while staring at the door, he saw the knob turn. This could’ve meant anything, they lived in the kinda place where strangers could walk into your home and if they did then it’s probably best just to ignore them and let them take what they want, nopony wants to make waves after all. But this time the sun seemed to be shining on him, because who stood in the doorway after the door creaked open was none other than his father, Ice Cube.
“Hey Dad!” Ice Pac galloped up to his dad and wrapped his arms around him. “Where’d you go?”
“S’alright son, I just went out to get you something.” Ice Cube said as he embraced his son. When this engagement was over he closed the door went over to the paltry box that served as the sole furnishings of their quaint room and set down a brown paper bag. “Here son, it’s all yours.”
Ice Pac approached the opposite side of the box and looked inside the bag. Inside was a rather small sandwich that was so very delicately made and full of the nutrients he has been denied over his life. Its mere presence was more than simply nourishment for the self but an act of familial love, a demonstration of the bond between father and son.
“Thanks dad! But it’s so small, I don’t know how to split it.”
“Son, it’s all yours.”
“But dad, I haven’t seen you eat in a while. You need it more than me.”
“S’alright son, I can handle myself. You gotta eat and grow strong, you gotta be strong for yourself and for me. You gotta be strong so that we can get out of this, so that you don’t gotta to keep living like this.” Ice Pac saw the weak smile on his dad’s face. “Come on son, it’s getting cold. Eat up.”
Ice Pac took one bite and faught back tears. It was the best sandwich he ever had, and the best thing he might ever eat.
After this moment a knock came at the door. That was something nopony ever did in this forsaken neighborhood. But Ice Cube had been around long enough to know what a knock at the door meant. Cautiously, he got up and cracked the door open just a smidge, and saw the armored forms of several guards.
“What you want?”
“Ice Cube, citizen of Detrot?”
“Yeah, what’s it to you?”
The guards pushed open the door and forced the exasperated father inside, nearly knocking him to his haunches.
“You are under arrest for assaulting the princess with a musical device.”
Ice Cube steadied himself. “Yo, get outta my home. I ain’t ever hit nobody with nothing.”
“Well the only other zebra near the vicinity of Ponyville, Zecora, has an alibi, and you no doubt have a boombox.”
“Yo, what makes you think I got the money for a boombox?”
“Well you just seem the type.”
“And I ain’t even been to Ponyville, son. I been in Detrot forever.”
“Well you’re the only pony who fits the profile, so you’re the culprit.”
“A'ight, and what is the profile?”
“You’re the type of pony who’d own a boombox.”
“And what’s the type of pony who’d own a boombox?”
“A pony of your attributes, clearly.”
“Yo man, this is whack!”
“Come along peacefully sir.” They didn’t much give him a choice. They ushered him off towards the door, but before he left Ice Cube looked over his shoulder and said only one last thing to his son before he left.
“Buck the royal guard!”
Author's Note
I'd like to think Ghetto Blaster is also a good name for a musically themed pony.
Princess Luna Finds a Gun
Chapter 8: Machinegun Mare!
So after all is said and done, everything went back to normal and all hunky dory. The castle, canterlot, and Ponyville began to rebuild now with the threat of Luna’s presence away, and only seven ponies were injured, each caused by some jerk pegasus who also wrecked up Ponyville town hall once. But aside from this, life went on as per the usual, and Luna never seemed to raise that much of a ruckus ever again.
And perhaps it was too soon for Luna to relinquish her duties as the beholder of the heavy ordinance, for now crime was rampant throughout the city of Canterlot with a new rising band of jewel thieves who used all manner of nefarious devices to aid their plots. From feathers to pillows, these bandits made off with all the jewellery they could manage and not even the royal guard was capable of capturing these foes. Is there nopony who could stop them?
The ringleader of this operation led his two cohorts to an alleyway enveloped in darkness. The nighttime hue only aided them in their escape, and they managed to escape yet another battalion of guards with greater ease than should be permissible. With the law on the slip, they emptied out the bag on the stone paved ground beneath them and counted out their winnings.
“Ay, it seems somepony won’t be getting their fair share tonight.”
“Well it ain’t gonna be me, see? Cus I was left out last time ya’ big palooka!”
“And I shan’t be denied either. It seems the coffers run a bit thin back at the shop, and I must compensate.”
“Ay, I took more of a risk than any of yous so I’m gonna be getting the bigger cut. So frenchy, shaddup and be happy wit’ what you got.”
“I am not French and if you dare accuse me of such an attribute I shall lay you one across the chops, this I assure you!”
“Simmer down frenchy, he’s got a point. You gotta take the hit on this one.”
“I told you not to call me French!”
And so our dear French pal gave a tussle with his smart mouthed compatriot. And yet it was not long before they were interrupted by the sound of stern hooves upon cobblestone and metal clinking dully against metal. And it was not long before the source of this interruption manifested itself and cast a sinister shadow that painted over these evil-doers.
It was Princess Lu- I mean Machinegun Mare holding a machinegun.
“Ay boys, settle downs here. We gots a princess in our midst.” Stated the leader plainly.
The Prince- er, Machinegun Mare was not amused and took her stance with the large firearm pointed at this band of ruffians. One burst would be all that would be needed to just disappear them from Equestria. “Halt villains! You have violated the law. Surrender at once or face consequences most dire!”
They all looked at each other in a silent discussion. It was quite evident that there was not much of an escape possibility, as they knew by now what the hay she was holding given that it was plastered all over the news a while back. So they all laid down on the ground.
“A’ight lady, we don’t want any rough stuff. We don’t gots no weapons so let’s all not get crazy up in heyuh.” The leader spoke for the three of them, albeit it was hardly spoken given that his accent was too thick to accurately interpret. I mean, I’m just typing what I think he said, he coulda been going on about ‘chowdah’ and ‘chandaliers’ and other bullcorn.
~~Luna~~ Machinegun Mare understood him well. “Weapons? So you are armed! Have at thee!” And she toggled a switch on the side of the gun and let loose a flurry of lead and copper.
She did not miss her mark. Given if you have a very loose definition of mark to mainly meant the surrounding area. If that’s the case then she sure didn’t miss anything at all. All the buildings around the thieves were reduced to dust as Machinegun Mare fired in pretty much all directions, given that she was only controlling the gun with her magic. After the saturated the area with enough gunfire, she turned the safety back on and the gun came to a stop.
When the winds picked up it carried with them the cloud of airborne rubble. Without the fog of destruction in the way, she saw that her three foes were not only intact but they found a pair of boots and took to quivering in them. Although it seems they at least didn’t steal these non-existent boots, because the jewels were all gone except for a few shards that were indecipherable of the original product.
“Well then. Shall you comply with my original request?”
Now, being accustomed to surrendering, the very obviously French pony replied. “Dear madam, I doth believe we are quite compliant. We shall attend our stay in as orderly a manner as possible, so long as we have the opportunity. But might I make a request on all our behalves that you do not attempt to lay waste upon us yet again?”
“I shall see to that this is so, but I promise nothing my dear French citizen.”
Now, normally he would disagree. But when somepony with a gun says something, it’s a little hard to argue with them. “Thank you madam. Cheese and baguettes for all! And has anypony seen my beret around lately?”
The End.
The moral of the story, kids? More people die or are injured by gun violence every year than cancer victims. The majority of these individuals who are victims of gun violence become such due to the improper treatment and handling of firearms. Firearms are not toys to be played with, they are dangerous and require proper supervision and dexterous manipulation. So please, keep your Princess Luna at home.
Author's Note
Machinegun Mare and Princess Luna are not the same pony, that's just a ridiculously lousy concept. After all, Luna is Dark Blue while Machinegun Mare is Navy Blue. They are TOTALLY different.
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Princess Luna Finds a Gun
Chapter 4: Back to Blat Blat Twilight's House!
“Did you just say that? Did you honestly just say that?”
“I don’t understand the problem, you and your friends say that all the time.”
“Oh no, Flash. That’s our word, you are not allowed to say that! Get out of my tree!”
“But, but, but!”
Twilight was having none of this intolerant bullcorn, she just levitated Flash Sentry and tossed him out of her treehouse. Like, right through the window. She could’ve let him use the door, but that wouldn’t have been fast enough. Then she decided to pour salt on the wounds, so to speak.
Meanwhile below, while Flash Sentry was wiping off bits of window and grass off of himself, he heard a loud crashing noise coming from inside the treehouse.
“Ah jeez, not my precious antique bottles! My father gave me those!”
Now, he didn’t expect a response, just some pity, but he got a response instead because Twilight was all outta pity. “Yeah, well Spike’s calling them dinner now!”
And there was a sound of crunching that emanated from inside the treehouse. Flash knew this was just a tactic to elicit a reaction, so he just bailed before she discovered his secret stash of corndogs.
Anyways, back in the treehouse Twilight was feeling pretty satisfied with herself as she watched her baby dragon assistant, Spike, picking up shards of bottles and snacking on them happily.
“Gee Twilight, I appreciate this but did you really have to break his bottles? I mean, that seems kinda mean.”
Twilight shook her head at this. “Spike, he said something that nopony should ever say. Take a lesson from him, that there are some words you should never say in company, especially me.”
“All he did was call you an egghead.”
“Exactly, Spike! It’s that kind of language that has set unicorns back a thousand years.”
“But haven’t unicorns always been pretty well off?”
“Yes, well.” Twilight was at a loss for words at this comment. It seems she has taught her assistant well. Too well. She made a mental note on one of her many mental lists to be mentally afraid of Spike in the near future. Of course, he was staring at her as she was thinking to herself so she knew it’d be best to reply. “I’m not wrong.”
Spike would’ve opened his glass filled mouth to reply to this, but they were both interrupted by the sudden crash of thunder, followed in not even a second by another, and another. Basically it was thundering like crazy, so Twilight looked out the window.
“Huh, it sounds like we’re going to get rain, but I don’t see any storm clouds.”
And then Luna crashed through the other side of the treehouse with the machinegun in tow firing behind her and just blowing apart, like, half of Twilight’s bedroom. Needless to say, Twilight probably had a heart attack.
“Twilight Sparkle, I require your assistance!”
So Twilight didn’t even bother to look behind her, she just knew that whenever somepony needed her help it always meant that something was going tremendously wrong and it’d be best not to acknowledge it right away. Plus it’s Luna, the last time Luna called on her and the other elements of harmony they ended up ruining the entire foire of Celestia’s castle.
“Princess Luna, please turn off that machine. Then tell me what your problem is.”
“That’s just it, my problem is the machine! It won’t stop destroying things!”
Twilight slowly, and without moving her body, turned her head like an owl and just looked behind herself and saw that the entire west side of her house was obliterated. The rest of her body snapped to join the way she was now facing as she turned from her usual lavender color to red.
“Luna, you’re ruining my house!”
Twilight ran over to the broken firearm and held it down, but it could not be quelled by any machination of pony or magic. Luna joined in and Spike, who was just standing around, just stayed away to get the best view because he’s of rational mind. And as we all know, anyone in their right mind would just stare at the sight of two princesses cuddling a machinegun into submission because no mind can process what else to do when looking at this.
So with a little bit of effort, they managed to situate the gun so that it was firing safely into the air and not destroying anything else.
“I apologize Princess Sparkle, but I believe you can see the problem.”
“Luna, this is crazy. Why did you bring this thing here? What even is that?”
“I thought you’d be able to assist me with this. I believe this device is broken and it won’t stop firing off.”
“Alright, let me consult my books and I’ll get back to you with this. In the meantime, you and your machine can’t stay here, I can’t handle my house getting destroyed like this.”
“I understand.”
“And for goodness sake, please stay away from the schoolhouse!”
Luna nodded and took her gun and jumped through an intact wall of Twilight’s treehouse. She then proceeded directly towards the schoolhouse.
Princess Luna Finds a Gun
Chapter 7: Luna Stops Capping Fools
So when Luna finally picked herself up it was getting pretty late so she headed on back to Twilight’s house which was starting to look like a giant hunk of Swiss cheese, what with all the holes in it. Of course, this didn’t detract from the fact that Luna burst in through the Northside wall of the first floor anyways. After all, she is a princess, she shouldn’t have to bother opening doors herself.
Twilight just accepted this little fact and made yet another mental note to call on some local carpenter to help fix her treehouse. Then again, she’d probably need to also hire an arborist of some sort given that her house was inside a tree. Regardless, she set down a book she just so happened to be studying at the time and went over to Luna who was busy making another entrance from the first floor to the second with a constant spray of bullets.
“Salutations Princess Sparkle, as you can see not much has changed on my end though I believe I have successfully warned all other ponies to beware of this contraption. Have you come to a solution?”
Twilight’s horn sparked with purple energy and manipulated some mechanism on the side of the firearm and all of a sudden it went quiet and all parts of it seemed to stop immediately.
“Goodness, it seems you have. I thank you very much. What did you do?”
“The safety was off.”
“There’s a safe way to operate this?”
“The safety makes it stop firing.”
“Oh.” Luna now took the time to more closely inspect the weapon in her hands. Without a doubt it its something that is not for the land of Equestria, at least in this time of relative harmony. “Twilight, could you help me with one other thing?”
“Luna, get out of my house. And this time use the door.”
“Very well Twilight.”
A few awkward moments passed as Luna just stood there, still carrying the gun with her magic.
“Well?”
“What’s a door?”
Author's Note
Guns, stairs, doors. Luna's been outta the game for a while now. I don't blame her. Did you know Luna was born with a tail? What a dork!
