Chapters Day 1
Entry 1
The door shut with a familiar squeal of hinges behind me as I walked into the house. It's a small, squat three room affair, but it suited me. It's hardly the prettiest, but then again, neither was I.
Before me sat my three year old dog. I've had him pretty much since he was weaned, and he'd been my only real friend for years. Gods know he's been more loyal than my coworkers. Of course, they never were all that loyal or kind in the first place. They tried to get me fired by telling the boss I was a brony. He called me into his office to discuss the latest episode, then recommended it to me when I explained I didn't actually watch the show. Since then, I'd watched the first few episodes and a smattering of the others, but it wasn't my cup of tea. Boss understood and didn't care.
Anyway, I reached down to scratch Jitters - that's my dog - Jitters' ears idly while I took my paper and pencils out of my briefcase. The day had been fairly boring; the big project to be unveiled in a month was proceeding as expected. My job as a software engineer didn't really take much thinking, so I had plenty if energy to draw.
I'm not that amazing of an artist, but I like to pretend that I'm getting better. Mostly it was Space Marines -- I'd been obsessed with WH40K for a good fifteen years -- in various situations, sometimes short comics. I pulled out an unfinished sketch of a Blood Angel beheading an orc with his chainsword and started to touch up the helmet, since it looked pretty misshapen. I felt Jitters lean against my leg, and reached down to scratch him, when I realized that I was already scratching him. And he was on the other side of me.
What the hell was leaning on me, then?
I visually confirmed that Jitters was belly-up next to me and that my hand was scratching said exposed belly. I slowly moved my eyes to the other side and saw a little, dark blue... creature. It looked up at me and some of its lighter blue... well, mane, fell back, showing a short, blunt, dark blue horn. The creature was absolutely adorable and seemed to be, somehow, smiling. Jitters sniffed my hand, wondering what made it stop, probably.
I saw movement at its sides and saw a pair of small wings. The feathers were the same color as the little creature's skin. I looked closer and realized that it was actually fur. I reached down and petted it. The fur was incredibly soft and made me want to smush my face in it, which prompted a recollection of an old movie. I pushed back the urge and instead simply picked up the little thing and placed it gently in my lap. She curled up there and promptly fell asleep. Jitters sniffed her, licked her side, then began grooming her coat, accepting her into the family. A term -- from MLP, appropriately enough -- popped into my head: alicorn. Looking closer, she did seen to be like Princess Luna, albeit a... filly? I quickly pulled out my laptop and Googled the term for young female horse. Yup, filly.
Wait, wouldn't that be pony, not horse? I decided to roll with what the show used. Well, speaking normal English, obviously. I gently scratched the little filly when Jitters finished grooming her coat and lay back down. She cooed. My heart stuttered, reminding me to take my afternoon arrhythmia medication. "Thanks," I muttered at her.
My heart nearly stopped again when she snuggled into my chest as I stood up, but she was asleep and easy to carefully remove and place on the cushioned seat. As I downed my daily meds, I wondered what to do next. The first thing I thought of was this journal, so... Here I am. Luna -- I've decided I'm going to call her that -- is beginning to wake up, and I have out a selection of food for her to try out. Including meat, because you never know.
Entry 2
So Luna quite likes bacon. It's not as much of a moral quandary here, since humans -- and, now, ponies -- are the only sentient species. She also ate the lettuce, and, surprisingly, dog food, much to Jitters' horror. I solemnly swore that the dog food would stay his except in case of emergency. He calmed down, probably more from the peanut butter cookie I gave him than my words.
Luna, meanwhile, started flapping her wings. She looked like she was trying to fly. I was surprised that she would start trying so early, but then remembered I didn't know how old she was, so I had no idea if this was early or late.
It was right around then than I began to wonder if other people had had ponies appear in their houses and, if so, how -- and if -- I should go about finding about. I wondered if Luna's magic could find other ponies, but she hasn't even tried using magic yet and... well, I don't even know if it's possible to figure it out on her own. I hope it is, or that horn becomes a bunch of dead weight. It might take decades for her to start working on making spells, and those are unlikely to be as complicated as a spell for finding ponies would be.
Anyway, I can deal with that later. I've put away the sketch for now, and Jitters is playing with Luna. I'll be going to the bookstore tomorrow to buy a few baby books so Luna can learn to speak from hearing that. If I can find other people with ponies, I should arrange get-togethers.
Watching the two play, I'm surprised by how... human Luna is acting. I remember my nephew doing the same things -- poking Jitters in the nose, climbing over him, and Luna was doing the same. I fought back thoughts of my sister. She'd disowned me, so I didn't need to think of her anymore.
Besides, now I had bigger concerns. Like the little pony that is falling asleep. It is nighttime, after all, so I suppose it's bedtime. I'll have her sleep next to me until I can get a crib.
Until tomorrow, journal.
Day 3
Entry 1
Today is Saturday, so I don't need to worry about work or anything like that.
I also remembered to take my meds, so that's good. Ideally no more fluttering.
This morning I went over to the bakery -- it's called "Sugar and Spice"; try to guess their motto -- and would have ordered a coffee for myself and a donut for Luna, but it was "closed until further notice" according to the sign on the door. I wondered why Jay, the owner, was out. Not much could keep him from running his bakery. I hoped he was okay. I ended up heading to the supermarket and bought one of those dozen-boxes of donuts with powdered sugar. Luna took to them, and I can't wait to show her the good stuff from Sugar and Spice.
I wanted to get a haircut -- I was starting to look pretty shaggy -- and walked to Joey's. The town was full of kids, as usual on a Saturday when school was out and chasing each other through the yards was viable, and one of them bumped into me as he played tag with another. The mom walked up to me and apologized before scolding her kid, but I told her it was okay; gods knew I've been hit harder before.
Joey himself was long dead -- the barbershop was founded in the 1800s, after all -- but his family still ran it. The kid giving me a haircut was pretty clearly new at it, and didn't do a very good job, but I tipped him anyway. Practice was how one improved and I might as well give him some pocket change, too.
I arrived back home to find Luna sleeping on Jitters. The dog looked tolerant enough, so I left her be, but she heard the squeal of hinges and woke up. She ran over to me, jumped on me, and said, muffled by her immaturity and my chest, "I love you, Daddy."
Daddy, huh? Was it wrong that my first thought was "I'm not your father" and my second was "and I can't be one"? And that it took until the third to realize that I'd already pretty much adopted her? I mean, she just kinda appeared, and I didn't even hesitate before treating her like the daughter I'd never known I wanted. Right then, I made a decision that sure as hell is gonna change my life. I decided that I could be a dad. "Love you too, Luna." She smiled and nuzzled me.
Also, she can talk, clearly. I wondered how much of my earlier explanation she understood, but decided that it was time for her to learn more languages. I'd read that kids could learn them until about age four, and hoped the same applied to foals. I've been talking to her in Italian, slowly, and she seems to be learning it. If I'd had someone to talk with, it would have been better. As it was, I just talked to her and translated what I said as I said it. I'll see in a few days if it's working.
There's also the issue of whether I should let the rest of the world see her. They'd probably treat her like a pet -- I mean, I did when she first got here. Maybe if I could find others, we could band together. Maybe "come out" together. I still don't know how to do that. I mean, Jay is trustworthy, for sure, so I could ask him for help, but I can't talk to him because his store is closed. There isn't really anyone else I trust in this town. The paranoia that once served me so we'll makes it really hard, and Jay only did it by not revealing something I'd told him in confidence and completely slammed. I get a feeling that it was so he'd not lose a customer, but I'm always cynical. Call it a character flaw.
I suppose I could talk to my boss, but he might think I'm crazy and I don't want to risk bringing Luna for the commute.
So many things to think about.
Anyway, I gently picked her up and set her down on my lap as I pulled over my sketchpad. "Wanna see what Daddy's working on?" She nodded enthusiastically and sat up as I pulled out a less gory drawing. It was a fairly simple landscape of a city in the distance, and she watched intently as I outlined the skyscrapers and drew in the finer details. It was fun to watch her follow the pencil with her eyes as it lay down new patterns, and I wondered why it was so captivating.
On impulse, I sketched myself and Luna, sitting together, looking at the city. She giggled when I finished and asked if that was her, and I told her it was. She turned around and hugged me again and I hugged her back. Then she asked if I'd drawn the whole thing and I said yes. She asked if she could see me draw one from scratch, so I flipped to a clean sheet and thought for a moment.
Luna had an idea. "Can you draw me?"
I laughed and said of course I could. I picked her up and sat her down on the table in front of me, saying that I needed to see her in the pose she wanted. She promptly rolled over and showed her belly. "Like this!" I laughed again -- gods, it feels good to really laugh -- and I complied. She lay there for a few minutes as I sketched her before her legs started drooping and she yawned. She struggled to keep her legs upright, and I told her we could keep going tomorrow, or later today. I'm actually writing this at about noon. When Luna -- I think I'll start calling her Lu -- wakes up again, I'll continue drawing her. I just took the time to write this down.
Also, I'm gonna not mention times when nothing happens. Once I've got a routine, I'll stop writing about it. He'll, there are bits here that don't really need to be written out. I won't get rid of them though.
She's starting to wake up. I hope that drawing turns out OK. It'd be pretty embarrassing if that offhand sketch of her turned out better than the real drawing.
Entry 2
The drawing came out alright. It's not my best piece, but I don't exactly often draw adorable little ponies asking for belly rubs. After I finished, I did give her some. It felt cruel not to. She loves them.
I can see myself changing over these days. Around Luna, I'm not as worried. I didn't flinch when the mailman announced I had a package at the door. Honestly, I think it's a change for the better. I'm becoming a better person to be a dad.
I let Luna open up the package. Inside was a stack of comic books, from... my boss?
There was a note tied to the front. "Get well soon; everyone else is lazy as hell." Yep, that was Dave, alright, always being pragmatic while showing he did care. It was half the reason I stuck by him instead of taking a higher-paying job somewhere else. That and the boss liked me there; I could pretty much do as I pleased as long as it was legal and I got my work done.
The comic books were, go figure, the My Little Pony comics. Well, now I had an incentive to read them. They might hold information about Luna that I could use.
Huh. How would I explain that to Luna? That we had a TV show and comics and an entire fandom that loved ponies, but didn't know they existed?
A few might actually worship her. That would be fun. I 'll make sure it doesn't go to her head, of course, but it would be awesome to be privy to the birth of a religion.
I sighed and looked at Luna. She was staring out the window, probably at the cars passing by. I followed her gaze and saw that I was wrong, and looking at a man walking up the path to my house. I jumped up and pulled Luna back. She'd been peering out from under a curtain, so the man probably didn't see her. All I could see was his silhouette, so I couldn't tell.
He knocked on the door and shouted something. I was busy instructing Luna not to make a sound in my closet until I said she could, and apologized for being so rough as I put her inside.
I walked back to the door and opened it slightly and saw the mailman, coming for the second time today. He wore a sheepish grin and held out a tablet. I smacked my forehead; I'd forgotten to sign for the package. I did that and he thanked me, then walked back to his truck. I took Luna out if the closet and she hugged me and asked if the man was bad and if she should hide.
I thought for a moment before saying that she should try not to be seen unless I said it was okay, but that it wasn't that the man was a bad man. She accepted that without questioning and nuzzled me. I'm glad her horn isn't sharp or she'd disembowel me every time she did that.
Actually, her horn is going to get really sharp, if the comics are anything to go by. I read the first one with Luna asleep on my stomach and me not wanting to move the adorable little filly. Thankfully they were in arms reach of the door.
I needed to take my meds, though, so I had to gently put her on the bed. She grumbled but stayed asleep and I took the pills, then smiled and snuggled into my chest when I picked her up again. I pulled out the unfinished Space Marine sketch and kept working on it. I was carefully drawing the Chapter insignia on the marine's armor when Luna poked her head up and asked, very innocently, "What's that, Daddy?"
I flipped it quickly and replied, "It's something you shouldn't be seeing at your age."
She asked why I didn't want her to see it, and if she'd done something wrong, so I spent the better part of ten minutes explaining that no, she'd done nothing wrong, and it was just that Daddy was trying to shelter his little filly from the worse things in the world until she grew up enough to realize that good things existed, too. She thought for a moment as I marveled at my word choice -- "my little filly" -- and suddenly realized that I've changed a lot more than I'd thought.
I'm happy, though. Even if I'm not myself, I'm happy. I guess that's all that matters.
Anyway, by then it was clear Luna wanted to go outside. I told her to stay behind the house and, if she did fly, to stay below the height of the wall at the back. She nodded solemnly before breaking out into a grin, calling for "Doggy", and galloping out into the yard. I dragged a chair and my sketchpad out and kept working on the drawing.
I was so engrossed in that that I didn't notice Luna take flight until she giggled and said, "Daddy, look!" I did and my jaw dropped. She slowly drifted over to me and only made it halfway before she got too tired and fell. I was there to catch her, though, so she didn't land too roughly.
I hugged her tight to my chest as she panted, face flushed with effort, wings sagging. She smiled though and started to laugh. "I did it!" I nodded and nuzzled her and told her how proud I was. We'd been out there longer than I had thought and the sen was maybe an hour from setting. I carried her to bed and she rolled out of my arms onto it. I started to go back to my chair, where I was sleeping last night -- I had decided to let her have the whole bed -- but she called me back over and asked if I would sleep with her.
It took a massive force of will not to cringe at that phrase and remember it was someone who was, at most, three saying it.
I ordered a few of those books for little kids to teach them to read for her. I really hope she can't yet, because that'll be embarrassing and make her feel humiliated. I'll ask her tomorrow.
Tonight I remembered to put a diaper on her. She looks embarrassed when I do but doesn't protest.
Anyway, I should go back to bed. I don't want Luna to wake up and wonder where I've gone.
Again tomorrow.
Day 4
Entry 1
I'll need to buy some more food today and refill my prescription. I explained what I need to do, but she asked if I could stay anyway. I gently told her no, but told her she could look through my drawings and handed her a folder of my more child-friendly pictures. I'm taking this journal with me, because I definitely don't want Luna to get her hands -- well, hooves -- on it yet.
I also want to see if I can get that donut for her, and maybe ask for Jay's help.
Anyway, I've left out some food for Luna if she feels hungry. Yes, I've been feeding Jitters, too. I left a bit of food for him, too.
I really hope that Jay is there.
Entry 2
He wasn't at his bakery. I'm gonna visit him and make sure he's okay.
I'm gonna bring Luna, too, so I can introduce Jay to her and, if he's not sick or anything, maybe ask for help. Luna's already in the car and knows what's going on. It's a waste but I need to keep her hidden. I'll update with what happens.
Entry 3
I think it's best if I just describe what happened. I'm still a little in shock, really. The dialogue probably isn't accurate, but it's close enough.
This is amazing.
Alright. So I was walking down Jay's driveway to his big -- well, big compared to mine, but pretty average by Welden standards -- blue house. Right before I knocked on the door I heard Jay shout something I couldn't make out and then a massive crash. It made me flinch. I'd left Luna in the car and was glad that the windows were pretty noiseproof.
I knocked on the door and heard Jay gasp. I called his name.
Another crash could be heard inside, followed by a slam of a door and a shrill “Kriiiii!” Jay cracked the door and peeked out. “Hello? Who is it?” I noticed that the chain was on the door.
I coughed and said that it was Aaron.
“Aaron? Hold up…” The door closed again and Jay slid the dead bolts out and opened the door fully. “H-hey there Aaron… Did you need something?”
I told him that I needed his help but didn't say what with. I didn't realize right then, but my hair has gotten somewhat disheveled over the course of these four days. Admittedly, I couldn't care less; not until I have to go back to work.
“Oh? Now? Now isn’t really a good time…” A thump could be heard from inside the house. As if something hard ran into a door.
Thinking back, I should have recognized the sound from when Luna crashed into the back door her next few tries at flying. She'd gotten pretty good at control; I don't think I mentioned that. I just nodded and said that it pretty much needed to be now.
Jay looked really nervous and said, “Well… alright… come on in and we can talk about your problem…”
I nodded and sprinted back down to the car. Luna was wrapped in a bundle of blankets and I carried her up to the door. Jay stepped back and let me enter.
Jay had left the door open and was in the living room, sitting on his fluffy, blue couch. He really likes blue. “So… What is the problem?”
I grinned sheepishly and said, "She's not really a problem, but it's not something that can go on forever. I'm not a good dad." I unwrapped Luna, who sat in my lap calmly for a moment before grinning and hugging me. I wonder why she hugs me so much, actually.
Jay only stared silently at Luna, his expression not changing.
I got kinda worried. "Jay?" I asked.
Jay pointed to Luna. “What is that?”
"She's, from what I can tell, Princess Luna from My Little Pony as a little girl. I'm calling her Luna. She doesn't seem to mind."
A muffled "nope!" came from my chest, where Luna's face was. I scratched her behind her ears and she sighed happily.
Jay blinked slowly. “What is a My Little Pony?”
I stared for a moment, then started to laugh. "Right, you don't TV. It's a show for little kids, but some older people like it too. Google it."
Jay cocked an eyebrow. “Riiiight…” There was silence for a moment before a faint buzzing could be heard above them. Jay looked up. I followed his gaze and saw a little pony, a lot like Luna, but with holes in her legs and bug-like wings standing on the ceiling. She leapt down with a grin on her face and attacked Jay’s face with a "Myaaah!"
It was adorable. I mean, I'm used to Luna, and she's fuzzy and adorable, but the bug pony -- I later realized she was a baby Queen Chrysalis -- was cute too. I recognized her from one of the comics with changelings. Then I realized Jay might have been hurt, since it was a hard shell instead of soft, fuzzy fur.
Jay cried out and wrestled her off his face, holding her out at arm's length. She had a mischievous grin. "Chryssi, I thought I told you to stay in the room..." Alright, clearly unhurt. 'Chryssi' just huffed and crossed her forelegs. "I dun wanna-krii..."
By the elder gods that pouty face was adorable. Yeah, me, hardened veteran, cooing over adorable things. Shut your trap. Anyway, Luna gasped and said, "Playmate!" She tackled Chryssi to the floor, grinning wildly.
Chryssi cried out and shoved Luna away. "Nu!" Jay cleared his throat. "Umm... Okay..." she said, defeated.
Luna's grin grew, somehow. I said, "Luna, don't bother Chryssi." I was seriously worried for both of their healths. Luna pouted, not as adorably as Chryssi, back to my lap. Then she latched onto my neck -- thankfully from the front -- and refused to let go.
Chryssi leapt back into Jay’s lap as well, giving Luna the stink eye. Jay didn't notice as he scratched her head. "So... is she from this pony land of yours too?" Jay asked, pointing to Chrysalis.
I nodded. "Yep." I frowned. "I think. But if you got a pony and I got one, who else did?" I shook my head. "Did anyone else?" I was confused. I hope it isn't just us two. I can think of a few others who deserve a kid.
Jay shrugged and said, “I have no idea. All I know is that this little bug decided my cupboards were a great place to stay. I have no clue beyond that…”
I snorted and replied, "Luna started leaning on my leg as I was drawing. I thought she was my dog at first." I scratched her head again. "She likes being petted about as much." She mumbled something incoherent into my chest. I kept petting her.
Jay chuckled. "I find it strange how they just appeared out of nowhere… You would think that there would be some great, showy event if something like this happened."
I frowned. Jay's more upbeat attitude wasn't leaking over to me. "But there will be a big 'event' if the public learns we -- or at least I --" I glanced at Chryssi and Luna "-- took in aliens as kids." Then I looked up and grinned. "Of course, the fans of the show will go mad for Luna. She's apparently a big character."
"Oh? What about little miss bug here? Is she some big character too?" Jay asked, booping Chryssi on the nose, much to her chagrin. He seemed to be taking a liking to her but it could have been the shopkeeper's attitude of 'be friendly at all costs'. He started scratching her.
"Yeah. More like a villain, but -- listen, you have internet. Google Chrysalis." I smiled. "I think you'll like her. Even if you get fed up every now and then. She is a toddler, they do that."
"A villain huh? I can see that…" Jay chuckled, roughly poking Chryssi on the back of her head. She growled at him and he returned to the scratching.
I blinked as a thought popped into my head. "Wait, is she why you weren't at the bakery?"
Jay nodded. "Yeah. I was having a hard enough time trying to get her to behave, let alone leaving her alone for hours on end… Who knows what she would do if she is bored…"
I laughed. "Luna's been behaved enough. Maybe you could bring Chrysalis to the bakery?"
"And let her into the shop full of sugar?! I think not!" Jay exclaimed, his eyes wide. "Though it doesn’t look like I have much of a choice right now…"
"I would take her," I said, "but I've already missed a day at work, and I'm bringing Luna tomorrow. I don't think I can manage Chrysalis, too."
Jay sighed. "I don’t think anyone can handle her…" He paused. "Wait… You are taking Luna to work with you? Aren’t you afraid of the government spooks or something like that?"
I grinned. It was my special 'I have no conscience' grin. I'd used it when, ah, questioning prisoners. "Not really. There aren't cameras in my office and it's easy enough to smuggle Luna-sized lumped around. Besides, they have very little reason to be spying on me. It's been more than two decades."
Jay coughed. "Yes, because a little horse alien is not reason enough to spy on you…"
"But they don't know about her yet. Once they do, of course they'll spy on me, but they won't spot her unless they look for her, and they won't be." My smile dropped out of 'intimidate' mode and into 'friendly' mode. "Besides, if they do come, I still have my concealed carry license and practice every weekend but this." Luna was looking up at me, wondering what those words meant. I petted her wings and she calmed down.
Jay stood up, laying Chryssi along his arm. "Well, this has been entertaining, but I still have a lot to do. Like checking up on the bakery to get ready for tomorrow."
I smirked. "Going back, then? Maybe I can get Luna a donut tomorrow." I picked her up and wrapped the blanket around her again, the stood up and stretched my hand out to Jay. He took my hand and opened the door for us. I nodded and walked out and back to the car, Luna under one arm.
"Heh, only the best for my customers," he said. "Especially if they are as adorable as her…" He waved and Chrysalis stuck her tongue out at us. I waved back as I stepped into the car, and then drove back here.
Luna was pretty tired, so I'm letting her nap. We need to talk when she wakes up, though. I'll draw in the meantime. I was hoping to finish the Space Marine sketch done by now, but... well, things came up.
Oh, I forgot to ask for help. Dammit.
Entry 4
I've just talked with Luna. She knows that she has to be quiet and not do too much at the office, but she's glad that she'll get to come with me. I'm glad that we work two to a room and the other side of mine hasn't been filled. It means that Luna will be able to at least be out, even if she has to be cautious. Her ears are sensitive enough that she'll be able to hear people coming before they enter the room. She also knows that I'll be working and so I won't be able to play with her so much. We'll still be able to talk, though. She's content with that.
She also won't stop talking about Chryssi. I'm glad she has a friend, but I suddenly understand why the guys at work complain about their wives gossiping. I let her talk anyway, because I won't begrudge her a friendship. Even if it is with a mischievous bug queen. Besides, she was comfortable enough sitting between me and my sketchpad.
After that, we played a bit, I finished that sketch, Jitters learned a new trick: play dead. I'm... not sure how Luna taught him that, but it's cool.
Her horn is also starting to glow a little as it sparks, flickering on and off. I think that's a sign of progress, since when the ponies in the show do magic their horns glow. I saw the episode about them getting cutie marks, which wasn't something I noticed before. Luna has that dark splotch on her flank, but not the moon. I'm slightly worried about how she'll get that.
I've started earnestly watching the show, if only so I can learn more about the ponies. I still don't like it all that much, but it did make me laugh, cringe, etc. here and there. Luna was outside playing. I feel kind of bad about hiding it from her, but I'll show her when she's older.
No. Down that path lies annoying, rebellious, idiotic teenagers like I was, who demand to see things now that they're "older". I'll show her next weekend and hope for the best.
She's still sleeping with me. The crib is still on its way, but I think that's a bad idea now. I think it had remove able sides, though, so it should be alright. I don't want her getting too used to sleeping with me, since I've got a business trip coming up next month.
Actually, I don't know where we'll be in a month. We may still be trying to hide her, but if the public knows about Luna -- and doesn't riot -- then I can definitely bring her. If not, then I want her to be able to take care of herself.
In that vein, I'll be teaching her how to use the microwave. Her hooves should be enough to press the buttons, and I've seen her lift things somehow with them. It's like they attach to her hoof or something. I not sure.
I'll need to buy more diapers as well. Luna's definitely getting better -- she didn't wet the bed last night and she used the toilet instead of just letting her diaper handle it -- but I think it embarrasses her that she needs them. They also chafe her. I've tried a few things, but none of them work. Until we get diapers especially for ponies I don't think that problem will have a solution.
I also need to get her vaccinated, but there's nowhere I can take her to get her shots without revealing her existence. Oh, the irony; I've always been incredibly pro-vaccine, but now here I was, not getting my daughter a vaccination.
My daughter. My daughter . I like that. I think I'll go play with my adorable, playful little alicorn filly -- my amazing daughter -- some more.
Tomorrow, journal.
Day 5
Entry 1
We're about to leave. I've rebriefed Luna on what we need to do, and she knows. Her part is really just 'look inconspicuous'. I packed her in the box that the comics came in and poked breathing holes on the bottom so she can breathe and see a bit. Then I made a false top and put a few of the comics in it so that if anyone saw the top open they wouldn't see Luna. Then the whole thing goes into the passenger seat and myself in the driver's seat.
I'll see you at work.
Entry 2
Well, that was uneventful. No one even glanced at me and Luna stayed perfectly silent inside. We got to my desk and I put the comics behind my monitor, double checked that the door was closed, and pulled Luna out.
She was content to sit in my lap for the first few minutes, but then she got bored and started wandering around. I just noticed that she uses her nose a lot. She sniffed around the room, just like Jitters in a new place, and found ways to entertain herself. I did most of my work for the day in the first couple of hours, so I shot off an email to my boss, asking if he had anything else that needed doing. He replied that there was and gave me a few more tasks. Before I started on them I played with Luna a bit, and lowered the easel in the corner to the floor so she could use it. She's been doing that since.
Right now I'm debating showing my boss Luna. I don't want many people to know, but it feels mean to have a character from a show he loves right there and keep her from him. I'm certain that've wouldn't tell, but... Well, paranoia' swerved me well before.
Someone's coming. I need to go back to work.
Entry 3
That was Dana the intern asking where we kept the printer paper. How anticlimactic.
Anyway, I think I'll tell my boss eventually, but not now. Maybe I should stop by his place and ask what he'd do if he met one of the characters from the show. I can deal with that later. For now, there is work to be done.
Luna drew a cute picture of her curled into a ball. I'm not sure how she can draw so well, but there's a lot I don't know about her. Hopefully I'll find out eventually.
Aw, she's fallen asleep. I'll keep her in my lap.
I've gotten another task done, too. At this rate I should be able to leave a few hours early. I'm oddly excited to play with Luna more.
I think I'll take a nap first, when I get home, though. I'm pretty tired. I'll write more when I wake up.
Entry 4
So the boss called me in to ask why I brought in a box this morning. I talked myself out of it; I don't remember what I said, but I will if I need to. I always do.
See, it's things like that which make me certain that I'm not a good dad. I literally built my career in the military off of extracting information, and that meant a good deal of lies so I wouldn't give anything away by accident, and I don't feel bad about lying. I feel nothing when someone dies if I don't know them. I care a lot about Luna, but I don't know if it's because I love her or that I have no one else to love.
I don't need to write about this. It's my own problem to deal with.
Entry 5
And I slept through the rest of the day and woke up just now, at sunset. Luna's looking out at the moon as it rises. It's... oddly beautiful. I don't think I've ever really looked at the moon; just stood there and watched it rise. I'm gonna go sit by my little Luna. By my daughter.
I think I know why she's looking at the moon.
Entry 6
She's already developed the ability to see into dreams, she said, but she can't control it very well. She... She's seen my dreams. My nightmares, I'd say, but I'm excited during them. And she's terrified. It keeps her up. Gods, I feel terrible. It-- I don't-- Even when I don't try I still hurt her. Fucking hell. What made me think I was good to be a dad? What madness inspired that idea? I'm a fucking interrogator. I torture people and backstab them and lie and cheat and hurt and kill and I do it all with a big fucking genuine smile.
I think I'll go cry for a little. I'm not sure if I can bring myself to ever sleep again. I...
Fuck.
I just...
I'm going to sleep. Or at least I'm gonna try.
Day 11
Entry 1
I didn't.
Luna... She found me. Right before I stepped off the edge, she pushed me back by tackling me. I just lay there stunned as she started sobbing into my chest and I cried into her fur. She told me never to do-- to do that--
I was... Fucking hell. I was about to leave Luna fatherless. Somewhere in there she told me what that dream was that got her so upset. The gist of it is that she left. She... Fuck, everything makes sense now. I'm such a dumbass.
She's asleep in my arms now. She... After everything, she's forgiven me. After what she's seen me do, she trusts me. She still loves me after all the shit I've put her through. She-- She's a better person than me, and she isn't even human. And--
There's no way I'm nice enough to have taught her that. I don't deserve her. There's no doubt about that in my mind. But now... Now I'm gonna try to change that fact instead of accepting it. I'm gonna become the best fucking dad you can imagine.
Better than my own, at least.
I'll show the smug fucker who sired me that it's possible to raise an amazing kid without beating the shit out of him for daring to get sick from a disease he fucking carried.
And if it comes to it, I'll die for Luna. I won't let her down again.
Entry 2
I should mention, by the way... Dave... Well, he found out about Luna. It'd be kinda hard for him not to. He told me that he'd followed me up because he didn't like the look in my eyes and he found me with Luna sobbing into my shirt. He wasn't mad once I explained but when I did he was pinning me to the wall by my throat and demanding to know what had possessed me to try death. Then he saw Luna, terrified, in my arms, and dropped me. That was... Well, I didn't lie at least. For once. I probably gave away classified information at some point, but I can't care less.
So out of all that I got a paid week off and a raise so I can support Luna. One of the others handed in his two week notice, so boss could increase everyone's pay, but he quietly gave me a bit extra. I'm touched, really. I mean, I could easily support the both of us, and I told Dave as much, but he told me that he wanted Luna to grow up well. Eventually I relented -- admittedly not after very long -- and so... Well, raise! Yay!
Over these three days I've been mostly talking to Luna. She... She's learning how to control dreams when she enters them. She needs a test subject though. Gods know I'm not letting her muck around in my head; she might see something no one should ever have to.
Oh! Speaking of magic, Luna successfully levitated a ball just today! I would have written about it then, but...
It's shameful. I-- I reread what I was thinking and I--
Fucking hell. Anyway.
Luna levitated a ball. She was really excited and so was I. I haven't had a chance to tell Jay, though. I've been making up to Luna. And covertly working even though Dave told me he'd fire me if I worked during this week off.
Hold on, is what he did even legal? I'm not complaining, but... Man. I don't want to get him in trouble for being nice.
Oh, I also published my sketches online. People seem to like them. Hell, someone offered to pay me to draw something. I... I mean, I'm not a great artist. I just draw for fun. I told the guy as much, but I liked his idea and he said it's okay if I draw it. It is flattering, though.
Huh. Anything I'm forgetting?
I'll write it later.
For now, my daughter wants to play. Until next time, journal.
Entry 3
Oh, right! The books to teach reading arrived. Luna can already read a little, but those should help.
The crib is also here, but Luna refuses to use it. She just flies out and I wake up with her next to or on top of me. When I asked her about it she just said it made her feel better. Hopefully I'm not still dreaming about... I don't want to traumatize her. She tells me I'm not, but I don't know if she's just telling me that to make me feel better. I'm not remembering any of my dreams, so I can't tell for sure
I need to show Luna the show, too. I'll do that later, after we've read a bit. Hopefully she won't freak out.
Hopefully.
And hopefully all this will lighten up soon and we can go back to the carefree daughter and dad we were before. Even if that innocence of hers is lost. Even if she always has that slight terror in her eyes, no matter what.
Tomorrow, journal.
Day 12
Entry 1
Luna seems a bit happier now. It might be that Jay's coming over again. Well, he said he would if he could, and what with the recent spat of days off work I don't know.
Speaking of Jay, he was pissed when he heard.
I remember it really well. Might have had something to do with the surge of epinephrine right after he punched me in the stomach.
I was about to return the favor when I realized who it was and froze from shock that Jay -- who can't bring himself to kill a fly -- had just punched me. Then he hauled me up and... I can remember exactly what he said.
"You goddamn son of a bitch! What the bloody hell were you thinking? Suicide is never the answer! What about Luna? Were you even thinking about what she wanted? Did you want her to grow up without a father? She has no one else but you! Did you want her to go through the same thing I did? Watching your own parents be put into the ground?" Jay had tears pouring down his face. "The only thing different would have been that she would have been alone..." Jay went quiet, his arms quivering with either sadness or rage. It was hard to tell. Then he turned around and walked away. He...
Holy shit am I glad Luna wasn't there to hear that. I... Well, suffice it to say the mixture of shock and awe drilled the message into my head. I...
I don't know why I wrote that here. It'll serve as a reminder, I guess. One I won't need. Luna's eyes do the trick well enough. I don't fucking know how to make it up to her.
More cuddles? That'd be a start, at least.
I'm sorry, Lulu. I'm sorry and won't do something so damned stupid ever again.
And I'm glad you saved me. It damn near broke a few ribs but gave me so much more.
Can you forgive me?
Entry 2
She can.
I'm happier than I thought I would have been, and that's really saying something. I...
On the downside, I need to work even harder to prove I'm deserving of her. And not just by bribing her with cookies. Yeah, Luna's got a bit of a sweet tooth. I... don't. Moving on.
She's gotten very good at drawing by hoof, actually. Just in time for her to figure out the whole 'magic' thing. I don't think she'll give it up, though. I'm glad that I taught her to love drawing, and not...
Well, my job is programming, but she can't use a computer very well. Once she learns I'm gonna have to either his this or let her read it. Probably the former. "Oh, look! Daddy's journal, where he talks about killing himself..." Yeah, I'm not too fond of the idea of traumatizing my daughter more, thanks.
Jay ended up not being able to come over. Something about "spending too much time off work". I don't blame him. I'll not begrudge him a thriving business, nor a friendship.
Anything else? Oh, right!
Tonight's the night. I'm gonna show Luna the show from whence she came. I've equal parts excitement like a virgin getting laid and dread like a parent who hopes those noises aren't what she thinks they are. Excited because I get to spend time with her doing a stereotypical dad thing -- watching TV (i.e. Netflix). Dread, because... Well, I really don't see a good reaction coming from this. I hate not knowing big things. Hell, that's one reason I like Welden so much. Nothing big ever happens.
Well, until Luna. That was... just a little bit fucking massive. Couldn't have asked for a nicer life-flipping change, though. Nor a cuter one. 'Specially when she asks for cookies and I say no, because she's torn through four packs of Oreos in half as many days.
What? I can resist tortured screams of pain, begging for mercy as a knife carefully find sensitive spots, but I can't resist Luna's sadness.
Holy shit. I am fucked up in more ways than forty.
I... Wow. I don't think I really realized the depth and breadth of my fucked-upedness until just now. Bloody hell.
Oh, she's coming back inside. Less tired, good sign. Probably won't fall asleep while watching.
Tomorrow, journal.
Day 2
Entry 1
Today I was woken up to a really, really unpleasant smell and the feeling of warm liquid trickling across my chest.
I forgot to get diapers.
In a thankfully non-literal sense, shit .
I called in sick to work today, then showered, changed, and rushed out to get diapers. When I got back, Luna looked sheepish, like she knew she'd done something wrong. I quickly strapped a diaper onto her, thanking the gods it fit, and moved her to my chair. She still looked sheepish, so I hugged her and explained that she had just made a mistake and that everyone messes up sometimes. I doubted she could understand what I was saying, but she seemed to like hearing me talk, so I started repeating what I'd said in Italian, French, what broken Arabic I could remember; really, just giving her nice noises to listen to. She hugged me after a little while and started bouncing happily.
You know, it just occurred to me that I haven't shown her the outside yet. I don't know how Luna got here, but I don't think it involved the doors. It'll be a great experience for her. I've got a little yard; so long as I keep her between the brick wall at the back and the back of the house it should be alright. If I can find others with ponies, Luna would get to explore more. Judging by how she's wandering around the two rooms, she'd like that.
Entry 2
Alright, Luna definitely enjoyed that. She ran around, tried to climb a fence, and her horn started sparking, which I think means that she was using magic. Well, trying to. She would stop, concentrate really hard, her horn would spark, and... nothing happened. I suppose it will take practice before she can do it effectively. I should look up what they can do with it. I know Luna should be able to raise the moon, but I don't have any idea what else ponies in general can do. I'll do that tonight, after her dinner. For today, I just want to talk to her, since that's supposed to help kids learn to speak.
Anyway, Luna also found a ball that the kid across the wall had lost a month or two ago. I scratched Luna and hugged her, told her good job, and lobbed the ball back over the wall. She grinned and hugged me back, then surprised me by kissing my cheek. My heart fluttered again and I realized I missed my morning meds, so I took them.
Man, Luna's taking up so much of my attention. I barely remembered to call in sick today.
I think that's all I'll write for today, unless something else happens. I'm gonna see if she can eat other foods.
Entry 3
She can! And really likes corn.
So long, journal.
Fucking hell.
It's been a week. No, less.
It took less than one fucking week for all this to come crumbling down. Ten bucks says Jay is doing better with Chryssi. Mischievous as she is, her dad doesn't dream about his victims. Doesn't dream about torturing them more, about getting that last bit of data from them before they died of their wounds because I barely nicked an organ and it slowly bled them to death or poisoned their blood.
And here I am, trying to raise the Night Princess. Y'know, the one who can see dreams. And enter them.
On top of all that, I need to go to work and I have a job to do. I--
Goddammit.
I don't know what to do. I'm lost and alone and trying to raise a daughter who deserves so much more than I can ever give and it hurts.
It just hurts.
I'm leaving Luna at home. I don't deserve to be near her. But when I told her that she just gave me this look like I'd told her I was leaving her for good.
This little filly has caused so much hurt and I can't even hate her because it's not her fault, it's mine.
It's always my fault.
I might just kill myself and be done with it. Or maybe I'll get lucky and get into a car crash so I don't need to risk chickening out. I'm already leaving everything I own to Jay and my boss to split up, since my family isn't my family anymore except in the same way a trans guy is a woman and there's no one else who gives two shits about me.
Well, Luna does, but no one but Jay knows she exists. I just hope Jay can manage two fillies.
Luna, if you find this, I love you. More than you could ever imagine. More than I deserve. I'm sorry. I pray to the gods you never go through this yourself.
Off to work. Probably never coming back home.
Entry 2
Alright. I've left a copy of my will on the desk and got a note typed up on the computer.
Time for a 'smoke break'.
I think jumping from the top of this building should work. It's thirty stories and each is plenty tall.
Again, Luna, I love you.
I always will. Right up until my face hits the concrete I'll always love you and if I can I'll still love you after and I'm sorry.
Thanks for everything. It's a shame I don't deserve any of it.
So long, Luna. I love you. I--
No more stalling. No matter how often I say "I love you" it won't be enough.
Goodbye, my daughter. Goodbye, Luna.
