Chapters Prolouge
I woke to the sound of my alarm.
"Oh, boy, another day in the rat race," I muttered, as I the shut damn thing up.
After that, it started off like just another average day. I put on my suit, walked out the door, and got in my Cadillac. I began driving to work, catching glances from everypony at the sight of the black convertible. I didn't care anymore, at first it was fun to say, "Hey! Look at me!", but it had lost it's fun. Let's face it, my life had no meaning whatsoever.
I pulled up to the dealer, greeted by the smell of gasoline wafting out from the nearby garage, and began to walk up to the doors, when dad came running up, screaming about something, probably the piece of paper he was holding.
"WE GOT IT, BOY!" he cried with joy, crushing me as he gave me a hug, "WE GOT IT BACK!!"
At first I was wondering, "What the heck is up with him? He NEVER shows affection!", but then he elaborated:
Back in 2008, even in EQUESTRIA, the economy was bad. Everypony had to cut back. The Broughams were no exception, we had to sell the mansion that had been in our family since it was built in 1542. The other day, I was talking to a guy I know well, the king of Equestria HIMSELF, Father Night! I was saying something like, "Yeah, I really miss the old place," and apparently, he actually GOT IT BACK!
"Dad, this is great!" I exclaimed, nearly exploding in joy, "Now we can go back to Canterlot!" I actually had never lived there, but dad had, and so had grampa. I remember visiting it, but that was when I was 5, "Now the entire family can move in again!"
"Not so fast, Hotrod!" he laughed, patting me on the back (Since when has he ever even LOVED me?), "You're gonna be livin' there, not me! You've lived with yer parents long enough! I'm finally RID o' you, boy!"
Well, that's typical Eldorado Brougham for you. He shoved me into some random station wagon from the lot, handed me some suitcases, and gave me a farewell.
After a while of driving on the expressway toward Canterlot, I decided to survey my situation:
This day was going pretty bad. I had just been kicked out, and I was driving a Chevy Kingswood. A KINGSWOOD! This couldn't get any worse!
Oh, I stand corrected.
I was greeted by the sound of a siren, and a moment later, I looked in my rear-view mirror to see a motorcycle cop signalling for me to pull over.
"Sir," he said, walking up next to my car, "Do you know you were doing 90 in a 55 zone?"
It turns out, I had been so caught up in thought, I hadn't noticed how fast I had been going. I tried to think up a joke to make the situation go better.
"Well, thank Celestia you stopped me when you did, if I had gone around a corner, I would've DIED, with this being an American car and all, American cars can't turn-"
He silenced me with a sharp glare. "Do you know how dangerous that is?"
I shrugged. "Sorry."
"Sorry doesn't cut it, buddy, you could've killed somepony! You know why my job's the best job in the world?!"
"Because you get to act like you're better than me?"
"What? NO!" The cop had obviously had enough of my sense of humor. "Because I get to put scumbags like YOU behind bars! Now, I want you to come with me down to the station RIGHT NOW!"
I opened my car door, and trotted up to him. Now that I was standing up, I was quite taller than him, and I decided to play that to my advantage.
"And what if I don't, SCOOTER?" I growled, towering over him. "What if I don't WANT to go to jail? Now, you get back on your little moped, and you go arrest somepony else, I'm having a bad day."
I gave him a shove to tell him I meant buisiness, and he dipped his head, trembling in fear, and let out a shaky, "Y-y-yes, sir."
As I got back in the Kingswood, I looked through the rear-view mirror to see the poor kid scurrying back to his motorcycle, and racing off in the opposite direction. I sure fooled him! I continued on down the highway, following a map, one of the few things Eldorado had given me, to the Brougham Mansion.
I turned left, just where it said to, and soon found myself driving down a heavily-rutted dirt road. After some driving, I came to a fork in the road. One sign read "Dead Hill Cemetary", the other two read "Brougham Mansion", and "Everfree Forest". They both pointed the same way.
Well, this day has just gone from bad to worse....
Pretty soon, the tree cover was extremely thick, and I mean THICK! Hell, I was so far away from civilization, I couldn't even get a signal on the radio!
I passed pairs of evil eyes watching me from under the bushes, old cars that had broken down, went over some disused railroad tracks, and I was there: The gates of the mansion. Beside me lay a rusting Packard hearse. It was something out of the old "Scooby Doo" series! In the distance, I spotted the crumbling chimneys of the old building, and I could hear some sort of pounding noise eminating from it's direction. After I opened the gates, which were somehow unlocked, I got back in the car, and kept on going. The pounding got louder as I got nearer. As soon as I rounded a corner, I saw a familiar red pickup parked at the mansion steps.
"HARLEY!" I called as I recognized the Apache Pickup to be my cousin's, "Harley, where ya at, man?"
"Up here!" I recognized Harley's southern drawl, which was unique to him and Eldorado, and looked up to see Harley on the roof, hammering in new shingles. "Eldorado told me ya were gonna live here, and ah thought ah'd fix the roof for ya!"
"Well thanks, Harley, I appreciate it." Man, I have the best cousin ever, he came all the way out in the Everfree Forest to fix up this old place!
Now that I noticed it, the mansion had changed since I was last there: The windows were cracked, the paint was peeling off, and the entire structure looked like it was falling in! This wasn't the old Brougham Mansion.
"Let's have a looksy inside, shall we?" Harley suggested, climbing down from the roof, "It's old and dusty, but all the furniture's still there!"
We opened the great oak doors to reveal the massive interior of the manor. We were standing in a large room, hallways branching out to the left, right, and a single large one in front of us. Above it was a balcony and two staircases led down from it, one on each side.
"Hey, Fleet, check this out!" I turned to see that Harley had opened a trapdoor in the floor. Great, just what every ancient fortress needs, a secret passageway! "You wan' go check it out?"
"Sure, let's make a stupid decision for once! How bad could it be?"
We both headed down the stairs into a damp old mine of sorts. We followed it for three hours, until Harley ran into a doorway.
"Well, this is it!" he announced, "Should we open it?"
"Is there any way you could convince me not to?"
We both laughed for a second, and opened it.
We were standing in a great hall, the sun shining in through stained-glass windows. There were streamers hanging from the rafters, tables with empty punch bowls on them, and all sorts of other party-related stuff.
"Wait, man!" Harley exclaimed, "We're in the Royal Palace!"
"Oh, SHIT, no way!" This was unbelievable! The tunnels Cadence and Twilight had been trapped in during the wedding were the mansion's catacombs! MY mansion's catacombs! Me and Harley began to dance around in joy, until we got tired, and decided to explore.
"Let's go see Father Night!" I proclaimed, "I bet he'd be happy to see us!"
Harley shrugged, "Beats sittin' here, dancin' around like ah couple of queers!"
We went sprinting out of the hall in excitement. As we rounded the corner, I ran into somepony, and Harley, the stranger, and I all tumbled down to the ground, rolling over and over until we finally stopped.
By then, I recognized the pony as none other than Princess Luna! We all got up, and I was about to say sorry, when she began to yell at us.
"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?! HOW DID YOU TWO BREACH THE CASTLE'S SECURITY?!"
As I sat there, listening to her screaming in anger, I couldn't help feeling a little...Strange on the inside.
"We got in through the caves!" Harley explained, "Fleetwood and ah are real sorry we ran into ya."
"Yes," I added, "We're terribly sorry. We're here to see your father."
"Oh, then. He's out in the gardens." Was that dissapointment in her eyes?
We were led outside to the massive gardens to see Father Night himself, trundling up to us on a golf cart.
"Fleetwood, what are you DOING HERE?" He exclaimed in surprise, "How'd you get past the guards?"
"The tunnels," Harley elaborated, "You see, we were exploring, and-"
My cousin was interrupted by the whooping of sirens. For a second, I thought that 'Scooter' had come back with some friends! We turned to see two dark gray AMC Ambassadors racing toward us, sliding on the grass. As they neared us, they stopped, and some royal guards emerge from them.
"Your Highness," one began, saluting Night quickly, "We've detected a security breach!"
He took one look at us, and immediately determined we were no threat to the all-powerful alicorn, "I see you've got this under control," he concluded, and they got back in their cars, and left.
"So anyway," I continued, watching the two AMC's as they left, "I live down the tunnels from you now! We were exploring a passageway we found, and it lead us to the main hall!"
"Well, you living down the tunnel is a threat," You could tell he was deep in thought, the way he rubbed his chin, "But, hey, just go ahead and take a stroll down the tunnels whenever you wanna see YOU KNOW WHO...."
At first, I didn't know what he meant, but then I remembered how I had felt when I bumped into Luna. It was that day I realized something: I didn't have to be low-down scum. I didn't have to sleep with random mares. I could set a standard. I could pursue a very special somepony, and that pony was LUNA! I had been searching forever, and now, at last, I understood it! I uttered a silent "Thank you" to Eldorado, for sending me on the path I was destined to walk.
Ever since then, I began an intimate relationship with Luna. It was amazing. The Brougham Mansion was fixed up, and the Packard Funeral Coach rotting near the gates was restored. There were some good times, there were some bad times, and here we are now. If you liked this story, you haven't seen anything yet. I'm Fleetwood Eldorado Brougham, and this is Fleetwood Rides again.
"Next time on 'Fleetwood Rides Again'...."
"I just don't think foals should be playing with guns."
"I am in pursuit of a 1972 Chevrolet Kingswood...."
"You're under arrest for Speeding, Obstruction of Justice, and some other crap!"
Fleetwood Rides Again Ending Theme
Fleetwood's Law Trouble, Part One
"Tonight, on 'Fleetwood Rides Again'...."
"A changeling village?"
"Please, help a guy out!"
"That's what you get for callin' me scooter!"
Fleetwood Rides Again Opening Theme
Episode 2: Fleetwood's Law Trouble
The next day, I decided to do some more exploring of the nearby land. Although Harley wasn't with me anymore, I still thought it would be an exciting experience.
I heaved myself out of the massive king-sized canopy bed, and trotted over to the small bathroom connected to the room. I checked my hair, combed it, brushed my teeth, and grabbed a dark red cape I sometimes wore when it rained. With it, I grabbed my stetson hat, and I was ready. I walked down the hall, down the stairs, and out the front doors to the ugly Kingswood Wagon that my father had left me with.
As I turned the key, the old thing started right up. Well, at least it's reliable. I started down the dirt road, out the gates, past the hearse, and over the railroad tracks. I followed the path from which I had came the day earlier, until I got to the fork in the road. This time, I decided to drive toward "Dead Hill Cemetary".
I continued down the path, being jostled out of my seat by potholes, my grip on the steering wheel tightening. At last, I reached the cemetary.
Surprisingly, there was a narrow road branching off the main road. I decided to take it, just for the hell of things. I was about to get moving again, when a battered Ford F-150 came barreling around the corner of the side-path, blowing it's horn at me as it past.
That made a wild thought pop into my head: Did somepony live down there? I HAD to keep going! I idled down the road, looking for signs of wary eyes watching me from the dense brush, because after all, I WAS deep in the Everfree Forest!
To my excitement, I noticed a sign ahead of me. As I got closer, I read it: "Welcome to Everfree". My god, somepony wasn't just living here, there was an entire TOWN!
When I passed the sign, I came around the corner to see a ramshackle main street of sorts, with older pickups and cars parked on each side. I passed a black pegasus as I rolled slowly past one of the first buildings beside me. It was at that moment when I realized something: That was no pegasus, it was a changeling.
I immediately whipped the car into reverse, turned around, and raced off towards where I had come. This was UNBELIEVABLE! I had actually found their hometown! Now I can call the army, and we can destroy them!
But then, an image of Father Night and Chrysalis flashed through my head. I couldn't do that to my best friend.
Meanwhile, unbeknownst to me, changeling officers Steinmetz and Talloway of the Everfree Forest Patrol were enjoying a breakfast of coffee and oatmeal in their squad car, when I came screaming past their speedtrap.
"Theres one," Steinmetz commented, the Impala police car starting with a thunderous roar.
"He was doing around 70," the other added, dumping her coffee out the window, "Let's get 'em!"
The Impala lept off the embankment that sat overlooking the road, turned on it's droning siren, and took off toward me in hot pursuit. Oh shit, I wasn't just being chased by the cops, I was being chased by CHANGELING COPS! I started to give the Kingswood all she had, but it was no good, the car couldn't get enough traction on the dirt surface, and the Impala began to move up.
Around this time, everyone is probably wondering, "Why not just pull over?" Because I don't want my positive energy to be drained, that's why!
I passed the fork in the road, heading out toward the main highway, and, finally, I reached Equestrian Highway 23, the Impala still in pursuit. As I raced onto the pavement, the changelings stopped short.
"He's Smith County's problem now," one concluded, "Maybe Royal County's. Let's go back into town and get some more coffee!"
"No, Steinmetz," Talloway objected, "We didn't go this far to let 'em get away, let's move this thing!"
I was on the main highway, making great time toward Canterlot, when I got a blast from the past! There was that Impala, chasing me again! I decided to take evasive action.
We were nearing an offramp. At the last possible second, I took it. The police cruiser tried to follow, but couldn't make the sharp turn, flew off the elevated offramp, and snagged it'sself in a nearby tree.
The two Changelings stood dazed and confused in their tree, their overhead lights shattered, and their hopes of getting promoted that day crushed.
"Well," Steinmetz sighed in a defeated manner, "We'd better radio in for help."
"I wouldn't even bother trying," Talloway warned, "We lost our antenna..."
A lot of yelling ensued.
After I had lost the tail, I decided to keep going towards Canterlot, and tell Father Night about the changeling village. As soon as I got to the palace, I sprinted into his throne room, interrupting some sort of buisiness.
"You again?" He didn't seem to be very enthuised that I was there. "Jeez, Fleetwood, at least CALL next time you want to come over!"
"I need to tell you something, and it's really important!"
I told him all about the village, it's distopian state, it's police force, and how we could easily destroy it.
He didn't really seem to believe the far-fetched story I was telling him.
"A Changeling Village?" he inquired, "I'll check into it. By the way, what have you been up to lately?"
"Oh, nothing," I lied, "Just fixing my old place up, exploring the land, stuff like that."
"Shouldn't you be at work?"
Then I remembered: I didn't have a job.
"Actually, I'm in between jobs right now, do you think you could employ me?"
"Well, I don't know-"
"PLEASE, MAN!" I begged, kneeling before him, "Can you help a guy out?"
Night seemed interested in my capabilities as a member of the royal staff. "What are your qualifications?"
"Well," I began, "I've done some racing tournaments, I can lift heavy things sometimes, I have good manners, and I hold the utmost respect for mares!" As I smiled eagerly, I couldn't help but let out a squee of excitement at the thought of working for my best friend.
"Well," he began, rubbing his chin again, "Luna doesn't like to drive that much....Maybe you could be her chauffeur?" He then stopped, and gave me a cold, hard glare through his glasses. "Don't let me see you two doing anything weird in that car, you hear me?"
He definitely knew about my feelings for Luna. I promised, and he handed me a black suit and a black military commander-esque cap. This was going to be great! I was going to get to spend time with the mare I love, for MONEY! I quickly went to a small bathroom near the throneroom to change into the uniform, and emerged, looking like the butler from some Alfred Hitchcock film. I did a little bow to try and look proper.
He snickered at my attempt, and then pointed me toward Luna's room. As I walked up, I noticed that the door was closed. I could hear some rustling inside.
"Excuse me, Miss Luna?" I asked softly, knocking gingerly as I spoke, "Are you ready to go out today?"
"Who's there?" I heard a muffled response, and more rustling.
"It's Fleetwood, I'm your new chauffeur!"
"Oh, I'll be out in a minute!"
` She led me out the front steps to a waiting Ford Thunderbird Landau, probably one of the most beautiful ones I have ever seen, black with gold trim. As we got into the car, Luna briefed me on where I was to drive her.
"Alright," she explained, "We're only going to the laundromat, because, apparently, it's MY turn to do the laundry for the fourth week IN A ROW!" She paused to take some deep breaths, she had gotten herself worked up over the issue. "Alright, let's go."
As we past where I had parked my Kingswood, I noticed a police car was repeatedly RAMMING IT!
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY CAR, YOU LOUSY EXCUSE FOR A PONY?" I roared as we drove past. Inside the police car was a very familiar short pony.
"THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR CALLIN' ME SCOOTER!" he jeered, giving the station wagon a final shove, and activating the alarm.
"Miss Luna?" I asked Luna once I had calmed down, "Can I stop by the police station to report that..." Quick, what's an upscale version of 'asshole'? "....Imbecile?"
"Sure," she replied in a very friendly manner, "It will be no trouble to me at all! And by the way," she added, chuckling at my attempt to be 'proper', "You don't have to call me Miss Luna, you know."
And, we were off! The Landau drove like a dream, the traffic was fine, and Luna was so interesting to talk to! Downtown Canterlot was a sight to see during late morning: Merchants peddled their goods in the market, upper-class citizens strolled up and down the streets, and the sun shone brightly on the hood of the Thunderbird. Finally, we reached the police station.
"Would you like to come with me?" I asked Luna, who was at the moment staring across the street.
"Oh, no thank you, I'll just wait here." I didn't know why, but I thought her mind was somewhere else.
"Alright then, be back in a minute!"
I hurried into the police station, up to a large desk, where a middle-aged mare sat, her grey and brown mane tied up in a bun.
"Excuse me, sir," she greeted in a nasally, whiny, steriotypically-secretariat voice, "May I help you?"
"Uh, yes, I would like to file a complaint. One of your officers rammed my car for no apparent reason!"
"Alright, sir, wait a moment while I process the complaint on the computer."
****
As she began to punch keys on her computer, I grew curious of what the entire station looked like. I went around the corner, and heard muffled voices from behind a door. As I put my ear up to it to try and listen in on the conversation, it turned out the door was completely shut after all. I fell over as it swung in, to reveal a pony in a police dress uniform, a needle in his leg. This was Commisioner Hermann Randolph. Beside him lay the Great and Powerful Trixie, who had been asking for money in exchange for the Heroin.
"GET OUT!" they roared, and I raced off toward the lobby, and out the front door. I sprinted to the Thunderbird, Luna being quite surprised at my hurry, and got in.
"What's wrong?" she asked, concern clouding her aqua gaze.
"I'll tell you about it in a minute!" I hastily replied, starting the car, "First, let's get a little bit down the road!" I shoved the car into drive, and took off.
Randolph sat on the floor, shocked that someone had seen his dirty little secret. Soon, he called brothers and Officers Wilcox and Flegel into his office.
"Hello, you two," he said cooly, "I have a special mission for you." He reached into his desk, and pulled out a picture of me. "Arrest this pony at ALL COSTS."
"Why should we?" Wilcox countered, "I know that pony, he used to be my boss when I worked as a mechanic in Ponyville. Mr. Brougham would NEVER do ANYTHING wrong!"
"Yeah!" Flegel added, "I mean, I've arrested him for small things, like when a barfight got out of hand, but he'd never do something worth the whole police force-"
"Listen, you two," Randolph growled, "I don't have time to play games. If you arrest him, and be good little officers of the law, you'll get a raise. And if you don't catch the son of a bitch, I'll have your badges! Now, GET GOING!"
The two officers scrambled out of the room, and out to their cruiser. As they did this, Trixie re-emerged from her hiding spot, a closet.
"You REALLY think those nimrods can catch him?" she chuckled, "If Trixie were you, she'd call in assassins!"
"Relax, my dear Trixie," Randolph replied, "If we REALLY want him caught, then we'll need exactly what you said: ASSASSINS!" He picked up his desk phone, and began to call a number that he had only used when activists had gotten out of hand in the '70's. "Landau," he said grimly, "I have an assignment for you and your friends."
To Be Continued....
Fleetwood's Law Trouble, Part Two
Fleetwood's Law Trouble, Part Two
After the stop at the police station, we continued to a laundromat, near the racetrack where the Wonderbolts Rally takes place. I walked inside, carrying the hamper myself, and dumped them into the washing machine. When we were finished, we both got back into the car. I was about to put the key in the ignition, but Luna used her magic to stop me.
I was confused. "What's that for?"
Luna gave me a cold stare.
"Something went on in that police station, you promised you'd tell me about it!"
"Alright, alright, I'll tell you later-"
"I can sit here all day, Fleetwood."
"Okay, I'll tell you NOW." I wiped some sweat from my forehead. "I saw the Police Commisioner shooting Heroin."
Luna gasped in shock, I knew she was gonna do that. "Fleetwood, this is BIG! We've gotta go tell my dad, quick!"
"You're right," I agreed, "Let's go."
****
We were near the train station, when I noticed a black Lincoln was following us. I made several turns on purpose, just to see if it would follow. It did every time.
"Luna," I whispered, pointing to the Lincoln, which was now trying to pass, "We've got company."
"Alright Berry, load the Dillinger, it's showtime!"
This was gonna be Landau's biggest payday EVER! As a bounty hunter, he had made big bucks bringing in high-level criminals and plugging leaks for the Commisioner, but this topped them all! He was gonna get $5000 Bits for the sucker, dead or alive! But, just as his assistant Berry Punch was in firing position, the Thunderbird turned!
And the chase began!
Our two cars raced down Arlen Avenue, up Sterling Hill, and around tight corners. Even though I was terrified, I had to admit, it was FUN!
"I've had enough of this!" Landau railed, "Berry Punch, fire away!"
The mare's Thompson MG let out a sloppy burst of fire, not a single bullet landing on the Thunderbird. Landau slapped her for inaccuracy.
"You could've killed somebody! What the hell is WRONG WITH YOU!"
"S-sorry, boss!" she wimpered, "It's hard to shoot when you're plastered!"
As all of this was happening, a damaged black Impala police cruiser, missing it's radio antenna, was speeding toward Canterlot at full speed. Steinmetz and Talloway were intent on catching me, no matter what the cost.
And, as it turned out, Wilcox and Flegel weren't too far away either. As we turned onto Capitol Street, I caught a glimps of a Dodge Monaco barreling down the road toward us.
"WATCH IT!" Flegel shouted, grabbing the steering wheel from Wilcox at the last moment. The Monaco swerved, barely avoiding hitting our car, and rolled, over, and over, and over, until it landed, right-side up, radiator steaming.
"Aw, shit!" he sighed, pounding the dashboard with one hoof, "Why does this always happen to us?"
"Because you always take the wheel from me when I'm driving!" Wilcox replied angrily, giving his brother a slap, "You're lucky they built these Monaco's like tanks, if we were in an import, we'd be DEAD!" Amazingly, after rolling five times, the cruiser started right up, and continued the pursuit, the temperature guage through the roof.
Landau was about to PIT maneuver me, when he got a phone call. It was Randolph.
"Oh, uh, HI, Commisioner Randolph!" he stammered, trying to drive with one hoof while clutching the car phone, "Why are you calling?"
"DID YOU GET THAT CAR YET?!"
"Uh, no, sir, we're still in pursuit, but don't worry! They're in the most confusing part of town, and we have police assistance, it won't be long now!"
"We're running in circles, Fleetwood!" Luna cried, "We have to lose them SOMEHOW!"
"Hold on," I reassured her, "I have an idea!"
Randolph was still on the phone with Landau, but heard nothing, except for the squeal of tires and the rattling of gunshots.
"WHAT'S HAPPENING NOW, LANDAU?"
"We're following awful close, OH, there he goes! Into-Safecolt Field?!"
Randolph laughed giddily, "Safecolt Field...." He passed out in shock, landing with a thud, and concerning his secratery.
"Are you alright in there, Commisioner?"
It was the bottom of the ninth, the Fillydelphia Fillies were tied with the Canterlot Colts. "Flawless" Ray Fuller was about to make a pitch, when he heard the blaring of a car horn come from the far end of the stadium.
****
I raced onto the field, blowing a warning to the players as they scrambled out of my way. "Oh, look, Wilcox!" Flegel gasped, "There's a baseball game!"
"You're right!" Wilcox agreed, "Let's stop and watch them play!"
Landau was horrified! First, the maniac he was chasing had led him into Safecolt Field, second, the Monaco in front of him, without warning, had begun to stop! He tried to swerve away, but his balding tires were no use on the turf, and he rear-ended the police cruiser, causing his bumper and hood to come off.
As we neared the middle of the playing field, Luna realized a key factor I had forgotten:
"YOU FOOL, THERE'S NO OTHER EXIT!"
"Then, let's make one!"
I raced up, into the stands, game-goers barely dodging our car, and through a skybox. I charged blindly onto a walkway overlooking the vast expanse of the fancy restaraunt that took up part of the stadium. The car sped off the walkway, and landed safely on top of a table, crushing it.
"Excuse me, sir!" a waiter called from across the room, "Will that be a table for two?"
I nodded, "Take our order when you have the time!"
Luna looked at me, disgusted. "After all you and I drestroyed, after all we've been through, we're just going to sit here and EAT LUNCH?!"
I dipped my head innocently. "Well, didn't all of that make you hungry?"
"Good point!" she chuckled, cheering right up. After that, we talked some more, and we ordered two Club Sandwiches with a Para-SPRITE! and a Coca-Cola. It was a nice 'date', but after a while ,we really had to get going, and I drove the Thunderbird right out the front door. You should've seen the look on everypony's face!
As we stopped at a four-way intersection near the palace, I thought we were in the clear.
How much more wrong could I be?
From one street came Landau, from another came Wilcox and Flegel, and on the third, lay Streinmetz and Talloway, all with engines running, and ready to go.
"Well," I muttered, "We're fucked...."
I took off toward the palace as fast as I could, the three cars in hot pursuit. They each had different strateges: Landau and Berry would shoot, Steinmetz and Talloway would try to spin us out, and Wilcox and Flegel would just blither about, and get in their way. Eventually, we reached the gates to the Royal Gardens, which made matters even more difficult: We had to dodge statues, avoid losing traction on the grass, and worry about the three cars chasing us.
Landau, who's car weighed more thean Celestia herself, was having the most trouble. He clipped bushes, slid all over the soil, and even ran over a statue of Discord! His reign of terror was ended by Steinmetz and Talloway shooting ahead, but losing control, and causing all three cars to wreck.
We reached the palace, and ran into the throneroom.
"HERMANN RANDOLPH IS NOT WHO YOU THINK HE IS!" I shouted, only to come face-to-face with Randolph himself.
"I thought you'd come here," he chuckled, "I thought you'd try to ruin my image! But NOW you're gonna get it!" He then drew his Revolver, and pointed straight at us.
"Luna," I said grimly, "If we don't make it, i just wanted to say the most cleche' movie line ever before we go: I've always lov-"
"WHAT IS GOING ON IN HERE?!" My love message was interrupted by Father Night's booming voice. "I turn my back for 2 hours, and HALF THE GARDEN'S BEEN DESTROYED! And as for YOU, Hermann, why are you pointing that little gun of your's at my daughter and my friend for?"
Randolph immediately dropped his pistol, and walked over to Father Night. "Fleetwood wants to take my place, so he made up a bogus rumour about me shooting heroin! Can you believe that?"
"THAT'S NOT TRUE!" I thundered over him, "You actually ARE doing Heroin, and I can prove it!"
"LIES, OUTRIGHT LIES, YOUR MAJESTY!"
"Enough!"
As soon as Father Night ordered them to settle down, they all did as told. Father Night gave Randolph a hard look.
"Hermann," he said slowly, "Are you sure your telling the truth?"
"Oh, absolutely!"
"Then you wouldn't mind if I....Looked you in the eye?"
"Sure, whatever that means...."
Clearly, Randolph didn't know Father Night's greatest power. If he took off his glasses, he could manipulate ANYPONY by staring at them. He took off his glasses, and gave Randolph the coldest, most penetrating glare I have ever seen. After a few seconds, Randolph's eyes turned from their usual dusty green to a goldenrod color.
"Now, Hermann," Night continued calmly, "Do you shoot heroin?"
"Yes," he replied in an almost robotic tone, "I take a shot in the morning, a shot at lunch, and a shot in the middle of the night."
"Are you aware that this will cost you your job as Police Commisioner?"
"Yes, sir."
"Then, by the power of Harmony, I strip you of your badge. Get your things from the police station, and leave."
"Yes, sir."
Randolph marched out of the room, and out of the palace.
Then, Night turned to me.
"Thanks for exposing him, Fleet."
"Oh, it's nothing, man!"
"No, it's not," he countered, "And as a reward, I'm giving you a raise!"
"YES!"
"A 50 cent raise."
"Oh, come on!"
"Well, I've had enough fun for today," Luna yawned, trotting away, "I'm gonna go take a nap!"
I waved goodbye, and said goobye to Father Night, but when I reached my beaten-up Kingswood, it's alarm still blaring, it wouldn't start.
"Hey, Night!" I shouted to the black alicorn, "My car off died, can you help me out?"
"Sure!"
In a flash of light, next to me stood my old Coupe Deville, a battered, beaten 1977 model with a shredded vinyl top.
"What is this?" I asked him as he walked up.
"It's your car!" he replied cheerfully, grinning in a troll-like manner, "Don't you like it?"
"Why couldn't you have fixed it?"
"Fleetwood," he sighed, "You need to learn how to take care of your cars, instead of wrecking them." He handed me the keys. "Enjoy!"
As I drove home that night, I noticed several design flaws: The cigarette lighter didn't work, the cruise control didn't work, there was straw in the interior, and the sunroof wouldn't go up! But, as I remembered the fun times I had with this car in some of my past adventures, It still felt great to be driving the old girl again, like revisiting an old friend, and I couldn't help but wonder what NEW adventures I'd have while driving her....
"Next time, on, 'Fleetwood Rides Again'...."
"I STRUCK IT RICH, MAN!"
"All that wealth goes to a pony's head."
"If I were you, I'd quit flashin' your wallet around, if you keep doin' that kinda stuff, you're gonna get mugged, kid."
'Fleetwood Rides Again' Ending Theme
"Tonight, on 'Fleetwood Rides Again'...."
"I STRUCK IT RICH, MAN!"
"All that wealth goes to a pony's head."
"If you keep flashing your wallet around like that, you're going to get mugged."
'Fleetwood Rides Again' Opening Theme
I was driving to work the very next day, when my Cadillac began to act very strange. The steering became increasingly hard, I couldn't get the automatic to shift out of 3rd, and the entire car began to rattle and shake.
The steering wheel came off, and the next thing I knew, I was laying upside-down in a roadside creek, and my car was split in half. This was AWFUL! I had done the exact opposite of what Night had told me to do with the car, and I wasn't even trying. I began to gather up all the little bits and gears that had come off the drivetrain, when I noticed an old wooden trunk through the muddy haze of the water.
I noticed it had some writing on it, but it was in French. I tried to read it anyway:
"Propriété de Calais Brougham, 1549? Oh screw it, I can't speak French..."
I flung open the chest, and, to my surprise, THE FRICKEN THING WAS FULL OF GOLD! I HAD TO GET THIS STUFF BACK TO MY HOUSE! I was about to hitch a ride, but then I remembered, I was an alicorn, duh! I grabbed the heavy chest, and did my best to fly back to the mansion, but I hadn't flown in a long time, and this was one heavy sucker of a trunk.
On the way back, I had nearly fallen out of the sky, been hit by a car, and nearly dropped the gold, but I had MADE IT! I flung open the box, and took a long look at the gold. This was my ticket to a better life! But my first question was, what the buck was I going to spend this on?
Father Night was beginning to get angry by the time I arrived at the Canterlot Palace. It had taken me a long time to get all the parts of the Cadillac up the hill, and assembled on the roadside, and the heap barely got me here. After carrying the gold for a while, the rear suspension had begun to sag, the radiator hose had failed, and I think I had a flat tire, but that didn't dampen my enthusiasm one bit.
"He's richer than us?" he began to speak to himself, he did that sometimes. "Relax, noone's richer than us, and besides, it's Fleetwood, he'll just blow it on something." He then turned to me as I trotted up to him, holding the chest in my hand.
"Wow, Fleetwood," he gasped, trying to sound impressed, "What are you gonna spend it on?"
"Well," I explained, "I wanna buy a 1959 Cadillac Eldorado Biarritz Convertible!"
"So....That's a car, right?"
"Only the BEST CAR EVER MADE!" I sighed at his ignorance when it came to automobiles. "They should've named it the Like A Biarritz!" Then, a thought struck me: "Wait, is there anything Luna would like? I AM her husband, after all..."
"Dunno," the king shrugged, "Why don't you go ask her?"
I came running into Luna's bedroom, chest still in hooves. When I entered, she was getting ready for the day, and let out a gasp of surprise as I dropped the chest, flew through the air, and landed next to her on the canopy bed.
"Fleetwood!" she gasped, trying to catch her breath, "You startled me!"
"Look at this, Luna." I flung open the chest, and lifted the gold onto the bed with my magic. "This is more money than Equestria's ever seen. I could give you anything you want, just name it. We're on top of the world."
A few hours later, I had showered Luna with many luxuries. New dresses, membership of many exclusive clubs, and countless other things. Now, it was time to spend some for ME.
I walked into an auction at Canterlot that was raising money for the Grand Galloping Gala, and there it was. A red 1959 Cadillac Eldorado Biarritz Convertible with gold rims was being spinning gracefully on a turntable used for displaying cars, many ponies standing around it, snapping pictures. There were many, but one I recognized as Delray, a rock 'n' roll dj from Ponyville. He was standing in front of them, microphone in hoof. I guessed he was the auctioneer.
"..And, now up for bidding, we have a lovely '59 Cadillac Eldorado. Biarritz model, top-of-the-line, yessiree, it's got a convertible ragtop, A/C, cruise control, power seats, and air suspension. Bidding starts at 80,000 Bits."
Immediately, a small pink hoof was raised in the front row. This was Diamond Tiara, one of the most hated rich entities in all of Equestria. I knew I couldn't let her have this car, it'd never be driven! It'd just sit in her room, under a pile of countless other cars, video gaming systems, toys, cell phones, and countless other trinkets.
I responded quickly, running into the croud, and thrusting my front hooves up.
"And now the car is at 120,000 bits, folks...."
For a while, our hooves went up and down, the bets making the price higher, until nopony else but her and me could afford it.
"Wow," Delray exclaimed, qwhiping the sweat from his forehead with a hankerchief, "This is one hot item! The price is now 400,000 bits!"
"Going once...."
I looked over to Diamond, who was eyeing me nervously.
"Going twice..."
I raised my hand, and screamed, "500,000 BITS!", waving my arms frantically. Diamond threw her auction number paddle down in frustration, told me to fuck off, and stormed out the door.
"SOLD! to Mr. Fleetwood Eldorado Brougham of the Everfree Forest!"
Many rich ponies began applauding my victory over one of the most stuck-up fillies in Equestria, when two approached me, one whom I recognized as Fancy Pants.
"Congratulations, Mr. Brougham!" He said, shaking my hand, "You have a car to match your wealth now!" He handed me a small business card with the outline of a sailboat on it. "Here's an invitation to the Canterlot Yacht Club, if you're interested."
"Thank you very much," I replied, trying to keep my excitement contained, "I'll see you at the next event."
As they walked away, I let my happiness loose, and charged toward the Caddy, still on the stage, and landed in it. I started the engine, put it in drive, raced off the turntable, smashed through the glass doors, and onto the streets of Canterlot. This was the best day EVER, second only to my wedding day. I levitated the chest into my lap, and opened it to see how much gold I had left.
When I opened it, a purple whiff of smoke drifted up into my nose. It smelled similar to Luna, but also smelled of somewhere cold and damp. Eh, no big deal. I still had a large amount of gold left, it looked as if I had never taken any out! This was SO amazing.
As I drove off, I thought about what to do next, and had a strange urge to paint an epic portrait of Luna. I was about to turn onto the freeway, I began to lose my grip on reality. Everything began to fade in and out. I got tunnel vision, and suddenly, I blacked out completely, hearing the honk of car and truck horns fading away, as I was sucked into a dream.
TO BE CONTINUED.....
Ending Theme
"Tonight, on 'Fleetwood Rides Again'....."
"I'M in control now!"
"It bet it has to do with that gold!"
"Mr. Brougham....Please....STOP....YOU'RE SCARING ME!"
Fleetwood Rides Again Theme
****
I awoke in a terrible, vast, empty void. Nopony else but me was there. The only thing I could see through a swirling mist was a pair of ominous amber eyes. This all seemed so similar: The purple mist, the smell similar to Luna's....But Nightmare Moon had been turned into a little filly at the hooves of Father Night....
"Who are you?" I called out into the mist, "Where am I?"
"I've been trying to find you for a long time," came a reply. The voice boomed all around me, echoing off nothing, "A Brougham powerful enough to carry me, and now, I've found one!"
I must've just dozed off with my hoof on the accellerator, because when I awoke, I was doing 90, with a police car behind me.
"Oh, crap." I moaned. I wasn't planning on a police chase today. I began to pull over, when a force took hold of me. I couldn't steer. Something was controlling me.
I looked in my side mirror to find that the tips of my mane had begun to turn a midnight blue color, and my eyes were a deep amber, just like the ones that were stalking me in my dream.
"Alright, buddy." I growled, as the car began to pull away from the cop, "I'll ask you right now, WHO ARE YOU?!"
"I am your kin," the voice replied, "I am your ancestor, your future, your MASTER! I am Calais Brougham, follower of Nightmare Moon, and now, you will TAKE me to her!"
I slammed on the gas, although it wasn't really me controlling my actions, and the Cadillac responded with the rumble of the engine, soon turning into a roar as we rocketed down the freeway.
"Attention, all available units!" the patrolpony reported over the radio, "In pursuit of a red Cadillac convertible, license plates are "KNGCDDY", heading northbound on the freeway towards the royal palace!"
"Oh, Hermann, it was so nice of you to take me out for frozen yogurt!"
"Well, I guess that's what retired ponies do...."
Randolph groaned. He was stuck in a car with his wife, and even worse, had his badge taken away. His old Pontiac was chugging along a small Canterlot sidestreet when he heard the radio transmission, for he had always kept a police radio and portable police Mars light in his car, even after his retirement. He took out the Mars, and planted it firmly on the roof.
"Hermann, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" his wife nagged him, "You're not a cop anymore!"
Randolph just rolled his eyes. "Well, if I catch this guy, I might be one AGAIN! That's the description of a Cadillac Luna's husband bought this morning! This guy is probably a carjacker!" He paused, and thought up an idea that he saw on a comedy movie once. "Honey, can you check the right, rear tire? It feels low."
His wife just rolled her eyes, "Okay, sure, I guess I have to do ALL the work around here!"
As soon as she put her face and hooves near the tire, Randolph slammed on the gas, and sped away, siren blaring.
"HERMANN PROMETHEUS RANDOLPH!" she screamed, "YOU GET BACK HE- THAT'S IT, WE'RE THROUGH! I COULD ONLY TAKE 30 YEARS OF THIS HORSESHIT!"
"Good riddance," he muttered as he turned the corner and she dissapeared from his sight.
After a couple of minutes, the highway was swarming with Dodge Diplomats! These little police cruisers were also accompanied by two or three Royal Guard AMC Ambassadors, because it WAS their job to keep royalty in check.
I kept trying to reason with the spirit.
"Come on, knock this off! I can take her to you and do the speed limit at THE SAME TIME, you know!"
"I will never cease my control!" Calais laughed evilly, "I'M in control now!"
Two Ford LTD II's attempted to stop us by boxing us in, and forcing us over, but Calais had other plans.
The officer of the car on the right was shocked to see a pair of amber eyes glaring at him maliciously through his instrument panel.
"DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!" the spirit roared.
The cop was so scared, he let go of the steering wheel, and his LTD swerved into the right road barrier, hit it, flipped over it, and exploded. Without the other, the remaining LTD was easily pushed away.
"Okay, I like the fact that you can drive like a badass," I admitted, "But, PLEASE! Let me do this! I have more experience than you in motorcars!"
"I think it's about time you shut your mouth, young alicorn...."
All of a sudden, I had no control over my mouth.
The police cars kept coming, and soon, I caught sight of a Dodge Monaco from Ponyville Police, numbered "55". This was Wilcox and Flegel's car!
I wondered how they were enjoying the chase.
"THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!" Wilcox giggled, firing off his police shotgun vainly at me, even though Calais had constructed a forcefield around the car, "Wait a second, that's Mr. Brougham in that car!" He began waving his hoof rapidly, in a sort of spazzy wave. "HELLO, MR. BROUGHAM!"
I would've waved back, but I couldn't.
"Hm," he muttered, his excitement fading, "He didn't wave back..."
"What a JERK!" Flegel added, "LET'S TAKE HIM DOWN!"
I was surprised to see Wilcox and Flegel's Monaco swerve right toward me, but it just bounced off the shield, lost control, and, sliding sideways, obstructed a lot of the other police cars pursuing me.
I thought for a moment that it was all over, but NO, one always has to get through! A silver Pontiac Catalina sporting a portable Mars light came screaming up behind me, it's lights flashing, and came alongside.
The driver drew his gun, and I recognized him as Hermann Randolph, the police commissioner I had convicted of substance abuse the day before! He immediately recognized me as well, and drew his pistol.
He mouthed the words, "Pull over,", and I knew he meant buisiness. Believe me, I would've, but NO, Calais just had to have other plans!
We were then locked in a struggle of two big cars, one sedan, one convertible. Randolph threw his Pontiac at us, and we were shoved into the guardrail, but we came back swinging, and did the same to him. Calais pushed on the gas as hard as he could, but we couldn't outrun a 455 V8, we had too much weight.
Randolph soon set to work shooting at us, but the forcefield adequately shielded us from the barrage of bullets. When he ran out of bullets, he began to fall back. We wondered why.
"What?" Calais taunted, "You're going to give up THAT easily?! BE A STALLION, COME AT ME, MORTAL!"
As soon as he fell back, four Chevrolet Caprices took his place.
"THAT'S more like it!" He kept mocking them, until they actually rocketed right past us. A long way ahead, I spotted them stop and park sideways across the road.
"Just what we need," I groaned, I had regained control of my mouth by now, "A ROADBLOCK!"
"HA!" he reassured me, "Your worries are quite unnecessary. This cannot stop me, I am a GOD!"
Yeah, a god in a mortal automobile.
We hit the roadblock at full speed, the front end crumpling with the impact, actually journeyed OVER the roof of a Caprice, knocking off it's emergency lights, flipped, and landed upside-down, radiator steaming.
"How could this have happened?!" Calais exclaimed in shock, "We were UNSTOPPABLE!"
"Well, I just want to let you know, Pinkie Pie may be able to defy the laws of physics, but WE can't!" I then turned my attention to the Cadillac, which had been ruined by Calais. "And look at what you've done to my CADILLAC! Do you know how much money I had to pay for that thing?!"
"Relax, young one." He used my magic to make the chest appear in front of me. "The chest is enchanted, it never runs out of gold!" All of a sudden, a plume of purple magic shot out of my horn, and we were standing in front of the Royal Palace. "Did I mention I could do that too?"
Oh no, as walked in, the world began to go black again. I struggled to stay awake, but I was tired, and lapsed into another trance.
I heard the faintest traces of voices as I drifted aimlessly in my own mind.
"Hello, Mr. Brougham....What happened to your mane? Accident with a blue pen- Wait, your eyes...."
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!...."
Wait a second, this was Nighty's voice.
"Mr. Brougham," she weeped, "please, STOP, YOU'RE SCARING ME!"
I fought and wrestled with the mist all around me, attempting to regain control, and soon, I began to see her, huddled in a corner of her room, shivering in fear. What was Calais DOING to her?!
Finally, I had full control again.
"Help me," I whispered, "There's an evil spirit inside me who wants you! Call Father Night, NOW!"
Every bedroom in the Canterlot Palace complex had a panic button, in case a deranged maniac got into the palace. This time, I was that maniac. Nighty shoved her hoof onto the panic button, and 4 guards ran in, M16's drawn.
"Mr. Brougham," one said calmly, "I'd advise you to put your hooves up."
I was thrown into a dungeon underneath the palace, and a guard began questioning me. Every time I gave him an answer he didn't like, he would bayonet me in the stomach. The pain was unbearable. Eventually, Celestia came down to check on progress.
"I told you," I pleaded, "I've been POSSESSED!"
"Wait a second....Calais, is that you?!" She came over, and gave me a hug.
"Yeah, he stole my body. How do you know this guy, anyway?"
"Calais used to be the royal advisor," she explained, "but he went crazy after I told him about Nightmare Moon. He killed himself to try and give her a body, and assumed the form of an enchanted chess to lure in a pony to manifest himself through. I guess that pony was you."
"Celestia..." Calais whimpered, "Is that you?"
"Yes," she soothed, carassing MY HEAD?! Now I know why they call her Molestia...."It's all going to be alright, my colleague, we'll get you out of there."
There was a great flash of light, and an alicorn, similar to me, although smaller, scrawnier, sporting a fleur-de-lis as his cutie mark, with amber eyes gazing over to Celestia through thick circular-framed glasses, full of sorrow. He ran over to her, and they locked in a long embrace. I just sat there, not knowing what to say, as they kissed passionately, and made up.
"By the way," the sun princess added, pulling out a purple baret, which was the symbol of the royal artist, "You might need this."
"Oh, Celestia, I'm so sorry I ever left! I-I can't hear those horrible voices anymore, I feel SAFE with you!"
She silenced him with a hoof to his mouth.
"Talk is cheap and meaningless," she growled seductively as she pulled him closer, "SHOW me your TRUE INTENTIONS."
As they ran into the "Unusually-Intense Lust" sex-tion of the reunion, I decided to just walk upstairs, and explain myself to Nighty.
"Hey, buddy!" the guard who had been torturing me called, pointing to the unseen, but not unknown source of the passionate moaning, "Where you goin'? The fic's only BEGINNING!"
"I would stay if I could," I laughed, "But I wanna keep this fic outta the 'mature' section!"
"Meh," he shrugged, "Suits yourself..."
I was at the top of the stairs, when a force, quick as lightning, threw me down the stairs. I slid on the bone-ridden floor of the dungeon, and ran into Mole-I MEAN CELESTIA and Calais, separating them from god knows what.
I was pretty banged up after the fall, but was mentally "there" enough to recognize Randolph's shape, pistol in hand, as he trotted up to me.
"Fleetwood Eldorado Deville Seville Calais Brougham," he announced, drawing his gun, "I'm now placing you under the arrest of a reckless vigilante for no real good reason, except to get my badge back."
"Oh, NO, you aren't!"
He turned around, his smug look turning to fear, as he recognized sleek outline of Father Night blocking the exit to the dungeon.
"Hermann," the jet-black alicorn sighed, "What's the matter with you? Even without your badge, as long as you live in Equestria, you'll want to fight crime, when the truth is, you can't ."
"So, your point is....?"
"Hermann, I'm banishing you to the Everfree Forest."
"WHAT?!"
Father Night pointed to the guard, and then to Randolph again. "Take him away," he ordered.
Celestia, Calais and I began to dust ourselves off, when Father Night came up to us.
"Don't think YOU three are out of hot water yet."
First, he turned to Celestia.
"I'm ashamed of you, 'Tia! This pony just appears out of nowhere after 500 years of being a wandering spirit, and you just WILLINGLY sell your body to him?"
Then, he turned to Calais.
"And, YOU!"
Calais flinched under his burning goldenrod glare.
"I'm gonna let you off easy on Celestia, I know she's hard to stop when she's feeling...Er, adventurous, but I'm wondering...Nighty up there seemed awful traumatized at whatever you did. What exactly happened in that room?"
Shit just got real. Both of them took off their glasses, and Calais's eyes turned the same golden color as Night's.
"I came in, and bowed down to her." he confessed, "She must've been scared that I appeared so passionately devoted to following her, and took it the wrong way. I'm sorry for any emotional damage I've done to your beautiful, young daughter."
"Well, that's all I wanted to know." he then stepped aside, so we could exit the dungeon. "But, next time, cool your hormones, she's only a filly."
As I walked past, he barred the way.
"Fleetwood, I'm equally ashamed with you as well. You willingly let an ancient perverse spirit go on a RAMPAGE down Equestria's newest stretch of four-lane freeway! I'm taking away your license for a week."
I was outraged.
"But, I couldn't do anything!" I protested, pointing to Calais, who was disappearing up the long stairway, "He forced himself into my mind, I couldn't move!"
"Well," he countered, making the second trollface in three days, "You could've mentally fought him harder. STERIOTYPICALLY-PARENTAL LECTURE OVER!"
I got up the stairs, and after a few minutes of attempting to find my way out of the unfamiliar area of the palace, I walked out the doors to see the final results of the episode: I had wrecked two perfectly good Cadillacs. The Eldorado that I had wrecked on the freeway had been towed by a good sumeritan to the front lawn of the palace.
I inspected the two cars, and estimated that it would take over TEN THOUSAND BITS to get them roadworthy again. I was about to give up my hopes on the two boats, and buy a Honda Civic, or something, when I remembered the gold chest! Now that Calais was alive again, the enchanted chest posed no threat to hurting me!
"Hey!" I yelled to two guards, who were chatting about work near their Ambassador, "You think you can tow these two cars to a bodyshop?"
"Yes, your majesty!"
"THEN, GET GOING!"
As I watched the roadtrain of what seemed to be irrepairable junk leave the complex, I stared off out toward the sunset, wondering what kind of wacky, semi-perverted adventure me and Luna would have tomorrow. As the stars came out, Luna walked out to join me, and we sat there for a while, watching the stars, killing time.
She had to leave to take night watch, but I stayed. After a while longer, I couldn't sit out in the cold anymore. As I walked back up the steps of the great castle, I felt something in my suit jacket. I pulled out a folded piece of paper, unfolded it, and remembered; THE CANTERLOT YACHT CLUB!
"Next Sunday," it read, "Bring your family. Carribean Yacht meet up. Entry requires 500 bits in pocket."
Well, I guess I found my next adventure....
Ending Theme
Wait a second, I don't HAVE a yacht....
"Tonight, on "Fleetwood Rides Again"...."
"There's something down there, Fleetwood, and I don't like it..."
"Luna, I found us a boat!"
"Here they come...."
"Everypony, RUN!"
Fleetwood Rides Again Theme by Enzo Aprile
In a few days, the yacht club would be having their meetup at Lake Wanahoova. Beautiful cabin cruisers would be there, and the even more beautiful marefriends of the owners would be there as well. I was invited, but didn't own a boat. How was I supposed to look respectable without a BOAT?!
"LUNA!" I hollered from the miniature kitchen in the living quarters of the palace, "WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL OF THE MILK?!"
"I don't know!" came a reply from her bedroom, "I think Calais took it all!"
"Why does Calais need an entire carton of milk?"
I imagined her shrug, because I wasn't she was in the room. "Dunno, maybe he wants to get his calcium up?"
"Who knows?" I chuckled, "That guy's crazy.... By the way, you find any boats we could buy?"
"Not yet!"
"Then let's go find one!" I suggested, even though it was 4 AM. . I like to get an early start, and she was on night guard. "There are plently of yacht builders in town!"
She protested a little about leaving during her night guard, but I eventually convinced her otherwise.
We trotted down the stairs quietly, tiptoed through the main hall, out the big, brass doors to her Thunderbird. My two Cadillacs were still in the shop after wrecking them both in the Calais Incident, so we had to use HER car.
"Well," I began as we shut the car doors, climbing inside, "I don't think your Ford's got enough torque to haul a boat trailer, Luna, so I think we should go borrow my cousin Harley's truck. Would that be okay with you?"
"Fleetwood..." she sighed, dipping her head in frustration, "First, you convince me to speak in this occursed newfangled, "new english", then you drag me away from night guard duty, and now, you want me to visit your hillbilly brother?"
"Yeah, that's about right."
"Don't you remember what happened LAST time we were around him and that TRAILER TRASH wife of his? I bet she only married him because he looks like YOU, only dirtier, lazier, and he ISN'T royalty."
The last time him and Luna had met, it had been our wedding. Although not meaning to, Harley had gotten drunk, thrown up all over the hood of Mayor Mare, Wilcox's mother's car, and interrupted the entire celebration. It had left marks on her perfectly maintained Chrysler Cordoba's hood, where paint had dissolved away because of the corrosive nature of stomach acid. It was the most embarassing event of Luna's life.
"RELAX." I soothed, trying to reassure her, "He won't be drunk this time. He only gets drunk on Fridays!"
We both had a quick laugh before setting off on the long drive toward Harley's father's ranch.
****
We got off Equestrian Highway 22 about 70 miles North of Ponyville. If you went farther North, you'd find yourself in the ghost town of West End, which had been populated by the humans when Equestria was a part of the state of Utah, which we were inside, in the middle of the Salt Lake Desert. A few of the buildings at West End that had been in good shape were taken apart and reassembled at Apploosa, where shelter had been desperately needed, but most of the old wooden structures still stood in place, slowly rotting, wasting away.
After driving through the fields of corn for 40 more miles, an old farmhouse came into sight. By now, it was 7 AM, and Harley would be milking his cows.
Our Ford Thunderbird bottomed out as we turned off the main highway, and continued down a gravel road, toward Harley's shop. We passed the shop, and continued down a sloppily-constructed dirt road, that hadn't been used in a long time (Harley had only moved in a couple of weeks ago, the owner of his trailer park didn't like him), and we stopped at the gates of the barn.
Luna was a little nervous to go inside, but I convinced her that Harley didn't have any neighbors, let alone one's like the hillbillies from "Deliverance". We swung open the doors to find Harley's Chevy Apache pickup. We walked around it, toward Harley, who was sitting on a stool, milking the cow.
"FLEET!" he cried with joy, jumping up to hug me, "AND LUNA! It's right nice to see ya!" He then turned back to Luna. "Ah'd hug ya, but ah figured we ain't on good terms after....I messed up you two's weddin' an' all. So, what're ya here for?"
"Harley," I began, putting my arm around him, attempting to use the false, "special buddy" charm I had used on Spike when I was evil, "You know you've been like a brother to me, right?"
"Yeah..."
"And you know that brothers do each other favors, right?"
"Where're ya goin' with this?"
"If you let me borrow your truck, I'll give you 1,000 Bits."
"1000 BITS?!" Harley was overjoyed, "WHERE'D YA GET DAT KINDA MONEY, CUZ?!"
"He came in possession of an enchanted chest," Luna explained, "It was harboring an ancient spirit, but we separated it from the chest, and it just so happens that the spirit's name was CALAIS BROUGHAM."
"You're talkin' 'bout, MY GREAT-GREAT-GREAT GRAMPA CALAIS? FOUNDER of the Brougham Family?!"
"Correct."
"You know what?" Harley seemed like he was about to explode with excitement. "Forget the 1,000 Bits, just take me to 'em sometime!"
"Whatever you say!" I replied as me and Luna got into the old truck, "And keep Luna's Ford outta trouble, okay?"
"SURE THING!"
Luckily, we didn't run into his wife as we drove back up the dirt road. The Great and Powerful Prostitute could be a Great and Powerful PAIN if anything happened without her approval.
We spent all day driving around Canterlot, looking for a yacht builder I liked. All of their boats were beautiful, but they lacked a certain kind of character....Something I couldn't put my finger on..
When we got back to the palace, Calais came running up to us.
"Your majesty....." he panted, wiping sweat off his forehead, "I have urgent news."
"Well?" I prompted, "What is it?"
"Father Night....Wants to see you two, it's important."
We parked the old Apache pickup in the Royal Guard garage, next to an AMC Matador, and headed toward the throne room.
We came in to see Night siting on his throne. I thought for sure this had to do with dinging a royal guard cruiser backing out of a parking lot, but apparently, he hadn't found out yet.
"Fleetwood," he told me, "I haven't told you or Luna yet, but I've been investigating a mysterious entity that's been draining the citizens of Ponyville of their emotions. After a while of investigating, I have determined that it is the work of changelings. I've also noticed that the PV River, a concrete canal nearby has been drained."
"What's your point?" Luna asked him, tipping her head questioningly.
"I want to send your husband down a culvurt to eliminate the clog, which I believe to be the changeling nest."
"You've gotta be kidding?" I chuckled nervously, "You're going to risk your own son in-law down in some CULVERT, to eliminate a nest that might not even be THERE?"
"Yep," Night replied, donning another trollface, "Ain't I fun? By the way, take one of the Royal Guard cars. If you die down there, I might be able to sell your car to a museum."
I was really frustrated that Father Night was making me do his errands. As I walked over to the nearest Matador, (Which I could easily start with my magic) Luna came running up to me, and gave me a hug.
"Fleetwood," she fretted, hugging me even tighter, "I'm worried. If my sister, Celestia couldn't defeat the changelings, then how could YOU?"
I was surprised at how much she was letting her worries get the best of her.
"Luna, that was their QUEEN, and she only beat Celestia because she had gotten energy from Shining Armor. Also, I might have a better chance of winning if I had someone to help me fight her. Would you like to come?"
She agreed, stating that, "Two alicorns is better than one to accomplish the task", and we were off.
****
When we began the journey, I decided to take Mustang Canyon Road. A year before, my car had gone over the railing here, at the hands of Spike the dragon. I couldn't blame him, it was in self defence, for I wasn't in my right mind, and wanted him dead. Miraculously, I had survived, and hitchhiked my way back to Ponyville, after another adventure chasing my ex-wife Derpy through Apploosa country.
"Sweet CELESTIA," Luna groaned, leaning her head out the passenger window, "Art thou attempting to travel as slow as PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE?" I noticed that she was beginning to slip back into the habit of the royal "we", but I said nothing. "The Matador wields a siren and lights, correct? Then USE THEM!"
She had a great point.
I slammed on the gas, flicking the switches to the lights and siren, and began flying down the road. The 401 V-8 roared monstrously as we sped along, echoing off the walls of the canyon, the shrill wail of the siren accompanying it nicely. We rocketed down the familiar road as I pictured Spike and Twilight in their Volvo beside me, racing with me again. Sometimes I still think of those days, working on cars with dad, going out to the Royal Celestian Casino, flirting with who I pleased, but I know I can't relive them, and even if I could, I wouldn't. I was the bad guy, but I changed for the better, and look where it got me! A beautiful, caring wife, unlimited money, a room in the Royal Palace, and maybe some day, a son.
After a few minutes, I slammed on the brakes in shock as we passed a hole in the railing. There were traffic cones around it, but it was there. I stopped the car, Luna staring at me in confusion, walked over to it, and looked down. That's when I realized it:
This is where I came off.
There, down in the bottom of the canyon, lodged between the tall branches of pine trees, was the rusty, but visible shape of a car. A 1951 General Motors LeSabre concept. MY car.
"Fleetwood!" Luna called from the car, waving her hoof to get my attention, "We really must be departing! We have an assignment!"
I hurried back to the Matador, and continued down the road, siren blaring again.
After the long drive to the Bueller Interchange, where we got back on Equestrian Highway 22, still running in the ghost of "Le Trajet de'Lamour", we passed the exit near Plywood Mill Number 2, near where the race had began, passed through the redwoods of Camp Wanahoova, and took an exit in the farmland around Sweet Apple Acres. I took Orchard Road in to Ponyville, and continued down main street, until I turned onto Allen Avenue, and came to the roundabout where Carousel Boutique was located. I passed Ponyville Cadillac-Buick-Chevrolet, which was on 54th street, and whooped the siren at Mel, the head mechanic and a good friend of mine, to greet him. Immediately, when Mel realized it was me, he called Wilcox to come see, for Wilcox had been my OTHER protege',besides Spike, but when he finally got outside, I was long gone. Boy, Wilcox would've never believed it: Fleetwood in an AMC?! WITCHCRAFT!
Luna had fallen asleep by the time we reached the concrete banks of the once-mighty PV River, now reduced to a tiny trickle in the middle of it's hard, cold, paved riverbed.
"Hey, Lulu," I whispered, shaking her gently to wake her, "It's go-time."
I had always wanted to drag race in the PV River, so this was my chance! I slammed on the gas, and the Matador soared over the banks, landing hard on the pavement below, making all four hubcaps bust off as we hit the ground. Luna was woken right up by my recklessness, as I drove at around 100 Miles an hour down the slippery surface. She screamed at me in her Royal Canterlot voice to slow down, but I ignored her, I was having the TIME OF MY LIFE! The Matador handled more crisply than most of the land-yachts I commonly drove, and was great fun to drive as I drifted, import-style around the slight corners of the river. Eventually, my fun had to come to an end, as I spotted a drainage tunnel roughly the size of a two-track railroad tunnel.
"Well," I concluded, slowing down drastically as I neared the opening, "This is it."
As I pulled the little Matador inside, I flicked on the headlights, which only showed about 50 feet ahead of me. The tunnel stretched on and on, but I could barely make out something shining in the light of my car's beams.
"Is that....Chrome shining back there?"
While Luna and I stared at the mysterious reflection, the two changelings Steinmetz and Talloway, known by their colleages as Razorback and Silverwing, glared back in malice. They sat in a 1972 Dodge Polara police interceptor, instead of their usual '71 Impala, which they had totaled pursuing ME. Now, they wanted revenge.
"The spy in Canterlot Palace was quite efficient," Talloway hissed, looking at the dashboard clock, "They arrived EXACTLY as predicted."
"Everypony knows Fleetwood loves to take the backroads," Steinmetz added, wiping the steering wheel clean with her handkerchief, "That gave the queen plenty of time to dispatch US to defend the nest!"
I jumped in surprise as a jet black Dodge Polara with an emerald green police flasher raced out of the shadows. I quickly threw the Matador in reverse, and began rapidly reversing out of the tunnel. The Polara snapped at my heels, slamming heavily into my grille, and shattering both car's headlights on impact. The only light I could make out then was from the tunnel behind me, and the flasher of my changeling pursuer. As the light flashed and bounced off the tunnel walls, I could make out the light blue eyes of Steimetz and Talloway glittering in anticipation of their next feeding. Luna screamed in horror, and hugged me tight, awaiting her doom, when we raced out of the giant arch of the sewer, and onto the riverbed again.
****
I slammed on the gas again, racing down the length of the river, with the Polara right behind me. When it became clear that it would take a while to shake them, I decided to call on the the guard car's C/B for help.
"Hello?" I yelled into the microphone frantically, "HELLO?! Any Ponyville Police, PLEASE HELP! My name is Fleetwood Brougham, and I'm being chased by a black....1972...DODGE, ER, POLARA! I have royalty in the car, Princess Luna herself, PLEASE ASSIST, A.S.A.P.!!!!"
Two officers on coffee break in the break room at Ponyville Police Station heard me: Officer Quince Fruit and officer Flegel Horn went rushing to their police cruisers, a '75 Dodge Coronet and a standard-issue '77 Dodge Monaco, and took off in different directions. Quince headed straight for the river, while Flegel took off toward Ponyville Cadillac-Buick-Chevrolet.
Wilcox, Snips, Snails, Mel and my dad were playing a game of cards in the back shop, when they heard the whooping of a police cruiser rapidly approaching. A Dodge Monaco burst through the shut garage door, and out lept Flegel, Wilcox's Highway Patrol brother, who had deputized him, so he may take Wilcox out on patrol anytime he wanted.
"WILL!" he exclaimed, running straight up to the tan earth pony, "There's trouble! Fleetwood Brougham, you know, that scumbag who used to be your boss, is being attacked by CHANGELINGS in the canal!"
"MR. BROUGHAM?!" Wilcox knew he had to save me, I was his hero. He grabbed a shotgun hanging in Dad's office, for warding off the countless environmentalists who hated our products, and hopped right into his brother's car, carelessly smashing the window as he entered.
"I'll blow each and every on of those changelings FULL OF HOLES!" he roared, loading the double-barrel, "Come on, brother, LET'S ROLL!"
"Go get 'em, Wilcox!" Eldorado rallied, as the two jumped into the squad car, "GO GET MAH SON!"
While Wilcox, Flegel and Quince all raced to meet me, I had begun to consider giving up. Steinmetz and Talloway had been TRAINED to drive on tough surfaces, and I was yet again losing ground to them. I was sure we were done for, when I saw Luna open her door, lean out, and turn around to face them.
"You once took my niece's husband's heart," she growled, "You then took the my niece altogether. YOU EVEN TOOK MY FATHER'S HEART ONCE! BUT NOW, THOU SHALT FEEL THE WRATH OF THE PRINCESS OF THE NIGHT! BEHOLD, CHANGELINGS, MY ALMIGHTY POWER!"
A beam of midnight blue magic shot from her horn, and flew straight into the changeling Polara, smashing it's windows, destroying the siren, puncturing all four tires, and causing the entire car to explode into flame. It flew high into the air, and landed with a crash, causing all four quarter panels and all four doors to fly off into the walls of the concrete riverbank. I heard the siren of the black car warp lower and slower, until it was inaudible. The two cop cars arrived just in time to see the spectacular fireworks display, and were quite relieved that we were both okay, especially Wilcox.
"Is there anything you need, Mr. Brougham?" He pestered me, "Is there any job I can do?!"
"Well," I confessed, "We might need some help from you, your brother, and that mare over there with destroying a changeling nest."
"Then why are you standing around?!" Flegel snorted impatiently, "Let's go kick some ass!"
"Wait." I paused, and trotted over to Luna. "Luna, thank you SO MUCH for saving my life. I love you."
"I love you too, Fleetwood."
We embraced for a moment, and then started toward the tunnel, fearing the critical response to bad shipping.
As we passed the wreck of the burning Dodge, on our way back to the tunnel, I spotted the two occupants pulling themselves from the car, themselves ablaze as well. I decided not to worry about them anymore, and turned my attention to the main focus of the mission: The nest.
Steinmetz winced in pain as the fire began to overtake her. Withstanding the pain, she reached back into the car, and removed the C/B radio. She clutched the microphone, and began to send a transmission back to the Queen.
"Thi-This is...Razorback and Silverwing..." she reported shakily, "My Queen, hostiles....Inbound. Send help, unit down, UNIT DOWN!" She had a spasm of movement, and, eyes closing, collapsed on the riverbed. Her partner, Talloway helped her into a puddle of water in the center, and began to work to keep her alive.
When we got to the tunnel, Quince and Flegel parked their cruisers in front of the entrance, forming a roadblock. Guns drawed, and alicorn magic readied, all five of us began slowly advancing into the tunnel, ready for anything.
As we journeyed farther in, we passed garbage strewn about, such as stripped cars, newspapers, cans, rappers, etc. . Soon, a neon green began from up ahead, and I found myself in the wake of a huge, paddle-wheel steamer.
"Oh, my NIGHT!" I exclaimed, hopping up on the bow, "This is the USS Greenbrier! Do you have any IDEA how long I've been trying to find this thing?! Oh, my dad even rented SCUBA-DIVING EQUIPMENT, and scoured the riverbed for it!"
I began to calm down, nostalgia being replaced by the fact only half of the ponies I was with cared. Wilcox was the more excited of the two, eager to hear the story, with Luna just being in confusion.
I sighed. "I guess I'd better tell the story....
"In July of 1865, 2 months after the American Civil War, Equestria was discovered by Federal soldiers. The US agreed to send gold to Canterlot, to help with rebuilding, because we were occupied by the South during the war. On the leg of the trip from Dodge Junction to Ponyville, a side-wheel paddle steamer named the Greenbrier was chosen. It was lost, while attempting to dock upstream from here, and the intense current before the river was dammed shoved it down here. They must've accidentally made the drainage tunnels OVER it!"
Toward the end of the long ramble, even WILCOX had lost interest in my story. "Alright, story's over, let's go." I pointed to the hole in the hull, where the glow was eminating from.
"S-so, we have to go in THERE?" Quince stammered, "The entire thing could collapse on top of us! We could get drained of our EMOTIONS! There's something in their, Fleetwood, and I don't like it."
"Oh, don't be such a coward," Luna told her, leading the way, "You coming, Fleetwood? I would hate to leave thee alone in the sewer..."
"Yeah, I'm coming."
I stepped inside, to see the entire ship was still in good shape. We were currently standing in the boiler room,in front of us lay the massive boiler, and some metal stair up to the deck level. I decided to head up onto deck-level, horn still charging, as I anticipated encountering a huge swarm of changelings, but I found the deck empty. The green glow was still eminating from one of the cabins, it was clear where we had to go now.
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Since we hadn't encountered any changelings besides Steinmetz and Talloway, Quince was starting to believe there WERE no changelings.
"This is bullshit," she muttered, casually opening the door to the ballroom of the ship, "They probably flew the coop once they heard that Dodge explode!"
We were all too petrified in fear to tell her what was inside, as she was looking back at us in confusion.
"What? What the heck's the matter with you all?"
Finally, Luna and Wilcox raised their hooves, and pointed toward the doorway. Quince turned around, and found herself face-to-face with hundreds of changelings, all with the same malevolent grin.
"What do I do now...?" she whispered.
"I dunno, YOU'RE THE ONE WITH THE REVOLVER, SHERLOCK!"
The deck EXPLODED into fighting, as we tried to gun down the endless supply of changelings. After a few seconds, they were able to overwhelm us, and we were cut off from each other, condemned to hoof-on-hoof combat with the beasts. Me and Luna were able to lift ourselves out of a pile of them that had pinned us down, quite unsuccessfully, and ran to help the others, although, on the way, we were intercepted by MORE CHANGELINGS.
Eventually, with intermittent blasts of magic between the punches we threw, we were able to get the three earth ponies back on their feet.
As most of the changelings ran away, I found an increasing number with badges, armed with shotguns. These were officers of the Everfree Forest Highway Patrol, much like Steinmetz and Talloway. As I felt a spray of buckshot whistle past, I decided we couldn't withstand their fire on the wide open deck.
Using all of my magical strength, I managed to construct a magical barrier around us, and, taking shots at them, we managed to push the officers back up the deck, and send them fleeing into the bowels of the ship.
*Music stops*
"Oh, man...." I panted, Luna and will running to my side to support me, "That HURT...."
"Come on, Fleet," Luna encouraged, "We gotta take out that nest, let's keep moving..."
As we trotted down the deck, we found the ship began to disappear, taken hold by a huge changeling nest connected to the stern.
"It's pretty strong," I mused, "Hell, Luna, if we could patch up the hole in the hull, and plant charges on that nest, we might be able to make it shoot outta here like a torpedo, and have it as a yacht, like we were talking about!"
"I don't know..." she countered, "The entire thing's made of wood, and it's been rotting for over 100 years. Shouldn't we be the least bit concerned?"
"Trust me," I replied, staring into her eyes, "It will be safe."
Soon, I had magically generated some C-4 charges, and Flegel, having served in the Ponyville Bomb Squad at a time, strategically positioned them in the green slimy mesh, so that the ship would suffer minimal damage to the stern.
Me and Luna were in the bridge, where the captain would usually sit and pilot the ship, when Wilcox, Quince and Flegel finally returned.
"It's done," Flegel reported, "We're all set."
"Then, HIT IT, MAN!"
We all found something to hold onto: Wilcox took the ship's wheel, Flegel took the doorframe, Quince took the other doorframe, and me and Luna....Took eachother.
"Alright". Flegel began the countdown.
"FIVE!"
"FOUR!"
"THREE!"
"TWO!"
"ONE!"
"Wait," Wilcox muttered, "If all our squad cars are blocking the entrance, won't they be destroyed by the sh-"
BOOM!
I felt the rush of acceleration meet me as the ship soared free with the rush of the water, eager to escape the prison of the nest that had been blocking it's flow. I could hear the entire ship creaking with the stress of the force, and I was worried it would come apart, and leave us all to drown, but the end of the tunnel was nearing. I could see the light of day, and the flashing lights of the parked cruisers getting closer, and closer, and CLOSER, until...I couldn't see ANYTHING!
As I wiped my eyes from the intense light, I found we were outside. The PV River was slowly refilling, the two Chryslers and the Matador were floating alongside the ship, and the sky was blue. The clouds had burned off while we were inside the tunnel, and it seemed Celestia's sun was welcoming us back to the surface, congratulating us on our victory over the changelings.
"Alright, guys," I chuckled, pointing to the banks of the river, "How are we gonna get this thing TO SHORE? We don't have any steam!"
"We'll figure that out later." Luna then gestured to the three cops, still holding their guns. "You three, find those changeling officers that ran earlier." They nodded, and ran off, out of the bridge to find the two cowards.
She then turned her attention to me, and then looked around the mess that used to be the Greenbrier. Paint had chipped over it's time at the bottom, furniture was overturned; the ship was a wreck. "You really think we can clean this old thing up, Fleet?"
"I know I can," I told her, "I cleaned myself up, didn't I?" I took a moment to remember how I used to be: Greedy, arrogant, deceiving. After the revelation I had received from above, I strove to become a better pony, and it sure paid off. This ship was a metaphor for me: It was in bad shape, but it could change. "Luna, I think we just found our new boat...."
Chrysalis sat in her throne room, reading the local paper, "The Everfree Tribune". The headline read, "Hundreds Injured in Greenbrier Incident, Sheriff Killed". This wouldn't work, Steinmetz and Talloway couldn't run the department by themselves. Sure, they were wonderful in combat, but, without proper instruction, they were BLITHERING IDIOTS! She thought about the situation a little bit more, and then came to a definite conclusion.
Picking up the telephone that sat by the sofa on which she lounged, and dialed for the operator.
"Get me the Everfree City Police," she ordered, and was soon patched through to her girls in blue, Officers Steinmetz and Talloway.
"Listen, you two," she instructed, "Go to Ponyville. Find a retired lawman. Bring him to ME, GOT THAT?"
Hanging up, she began to think of a suitable one, and then remembered a Unicorn she saw guarding the magical shield during the Canterlot Royal Wedding, a few months before. He was a thin one, with tan fur, a gray mane, the silhouette of a badge for his cutie mark, and the greenest eyes she had ever seen.
Come to think of it, his eyes had more of a blue-green much like her's.
WAIT A MINUTE!
That was the color of a changeling's eyes while IN DISGUISE! But, she had none of her minions positioned there, and this middle-aged officer had been INSIDE the forcefield!
Could that mean that there was a lawman who DESCENDED FROM CHANGELINGS?
To Be Continued in ANOTHER EXCITING EPISODE of, "Fleetwood Rides Again"!
Ending theme:
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The sound of the T.V. woke him up.
"...Some critics are calling this move, a 'Step Backwards on the Road to Democracy'."
Fleetwood rubbed his eyes, everything still blurry. He had some faint memories of sex with Luna, and some crusty French ancestor of his, but he could not remember the whole dream. He sat up straight, and was immediately struck with a headache that made him want to groan. His vision was blurry, and the entire bed smelled of whiskey.
"Darn.." he mumbled, stretching, "Must've been out...drinkin' with th'guys....I smell like a Motel Six..."
And, with that, he moved toward the shower on the other end of the little room, grabbing a towel from the linen closet. From what he gathered, he was in his crappy little apartment, above the dealership.
The T.V. droned on, tuned to some sort of news report.
"In a move that proved highly unpopular among Equestrian citizens, Princess Celestia has declared a sizable portion of the Everfree Forest- Approximately one hundred and eighty miles- the sovereign land of the Brougham Family."
He froze, ears pricking in interest. The brown, middle-aged pegasus JET across the room, wings flapping fruitlessly, only to crash into a large pile of whiskey bottles at the foot of his bed. He winced in pain, as glass cut into him in certain areas, but listened keenly to the broadcast.
" The nobles which have not possessed the land since they were abdicated in 1984, were originally French explorers, who later conscripted to the Equestrian forces. This is just the latest in a series of decrees issued by the Two Sisters, which have provoked negative responses from the working class, such as the appointment of Princess Twilight Sparkle, the recently-rediscovered American steam gunboat, USS Grenbrier's entry into service with the Equestrian Navy, and the cutting of taxes for the wealthy."
"Holy SHIT!"
And with that, the drunken pony hurled himself down the stairs, down to the showroom floor. He raced across to the back office, toward his father, Eldorado. Several ponies grimaced at the sight of him in a stained t-shirt and boxer shorts.
"Ah, yer up," Eldorado grumbled, eyeing him, "Can't you see we got-"
"Dad," he breathed, blue eyes glittering like sapphire, "They gave us the land back...All of it...I heard on the-"
Suddenly, a hoof was in his mouth.
"Yeah, yeah, I know," his dear father rasped, "You've been out fer, like, ferever."
"...Really?"
"Yeah. Came home one night, just collapsed in bed, real drunk an' angry."
Fleetwood was in shock. How could his father have left him in that state?! "Why didn't you take me to a HOSPITAL?"
"We ain't got no health insurance. Now, get yer ass in th'shower, get dressed, and GET UP T'CANTERLOT, T'CLAIM OUR LAND!"
As he stepped out, into the noon sunlight, Fleetwood found himself in a much-different world. Colorful banners hung from the little cottages of Carousel Square, the smoke from the Plywood Mill was now billowing, clean white steam, and Allen Avenue had been cleaned up. Instead of the lines of heavy traffic, ponies trotted along the street, seeming content with life, the occasional Ponyville P.D. Dodge Monaco drifting by on patrol.
Nonetheless, he didn't have time to lose. Excitement still welling up in him like steam in a boiler, he tore out of the gravel back lot, in a white Chevy Caprice, nearly sideswiping a gas street light, right-side wheels hopping the curb. He had chosen the car out of the used autos he was allowed to drive, as it looked the most 'official'. It sported turtle-shell hubcaps, a velvet red interior, and a genuinely restrained fashion that Fleetwood rarely practiced. But today was different. He wanted to look 'official', so to speak. Classy, but not extravagant.
To his side was a briefcase. He really didn't know what to do with it, but decided it would look better if he came prepared. Perhaps they were to give him some important documents? As for his clothes, he wore a white dress-shirt, black slacks, and a red tie. The tie had a martini-glass pattern, but that was all he could find in his haste.
Suddenly, a mare loomed out from behind a building. Swerving to avoid, the Chevy smashed a mailbox, leaving letters and bills flying everywhere. "HEY, WATCH WHERE YOU'RE WALKING!" he howled out the window, shaking his clenched hoof in rage.
The streets had become dangerous. In the time he had been asleep, a lot had changed in Ponyville. It had become a lot less accessible by automobile. So, with that, he turned onto the freeway, and burned rubber toward Canterlot.
He finally found the address Eldorado had written down on the piece of paper shoved in his coat pocket. It was a big, Neoclassical stone building, with a huge dome, supported by stone pillars all around. It gave off a somewhat human-European feeling, a byproduct of Lord Canterlot V's infatuation with humanity during the 1890's. The building, known as the Hall of Nobility, was where the nobles of Equestria's counties, much like Canterlot V himself, met, and discussed borders, budgets, and other important, boring matters. Fleetwood had once, as a colt, watched a fierce debate between his father and Lord Dunwich III, which resulted in a brawl on the Forum Floor. Somewhere in his room, back in the Brougham Manor in the Everfree Forest, he had kept Dunwich's gold tooth, which had been dislodged in the fighting.
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Bracing himself, he entered through the thick, oak doors, and found that it was exactly how he remembered. The floor was cold and smoothed, waxed by some mule earlier in the day, the air hung with cigarette smoke, and somewhere far-off, an Equestrian royal march drifted from some massive speaker, set high in the dome. Important-looking stallions, donning monocles, expensive clothes, and trophy wives, strutted to and fro. Some loitered and chatted in the lobby. Others stood in queue, waiting for paperwork regarding their lands. Despite this number of ponies, most were probably in the forum.
Starting toward the queue, a peculiar thought struck Fleetwood. He had never seen a mare of Nobility before. All he had ever seen were the stuffy lords, their pelts often a white or a brown, and those painfully-thin, achingly-beautiful wives of theirs. Perhaps they were incestuous, like his cousins, Harley and Fleur once were? Looking around the room briefly, he chuckled, noticing that most of the men and their escorts bore a resemblance to one another!
The laughter rose beyond control. Soon, he was doubling over, rolling on the floor. His hoofs pounded the marble floor, echoing around, louder than the music. Sighing, he froze in shock, noticing everyone was watching him, including Fancy Pants of Trottingham...And Fleur.
Nodding slightly, he simply picked himself up, and walked to the front of the line, which had dispersed. In front of him sat an old mare, aged probably around a hundred and five. She wore thick spectacles, that magnified her tiny, beady blue eyes.
"May I help you sir?" She breathed, barely audible.
"Why, yes, I'm Lord Brougham of Everfree."
"Hm? Weren't they thrown out for fighting?"
His face went a little red. "Why, yes," he corrected, attempting to keep his cool after the ridiculous incident, "But that was my father. Princess Celestia brought us back."
"Oh," she replied, now brightening up a bit. A light had went on in her head. "I remember that. Please, forgive me.." A large folder that smelled of age and dust was dropped upon the desk. "Here. Just fill this all out, come back, and the land will be yours once more."
"Thank you."
As Fleetwood collected the folder file, he nearly fell forward. It must weight eighty pounds! Struggling, he returned to the car, placing in the backseat, and made his way through the streets, back towards home.
Well, shit, he marked to himself silently, absently tapping his hoof on the steering wheel, This is gonna suck. How long is this gonna take anyway? Celestia only knows..'cause she's the one who cursed me with this garbage.
After the paperwork had been taken care of and submitted, The Broughams of Ponyville began the task of moving their possessions to the old manor in Everfree Forest. Most of the furniture was relatively small, but the real trouble came with moving a large, mahogany desk.
“Lift HARDER,” strained Eldorado, his legs trembling.
“I’m, trying, I’m trying!”
“Tryin’ AIN’T ENOUGH!” the skinny old stallion snapped back. “I’m ‘bout t’break m’god-dang back here, so TOUGHEN UP, or-”
As if on queue, Eldorado’s back made a crunching noise. He howled in pain, falling forward, and hitting his head on the desk he had dropped.
“Oh, dear CELESTIA, DAD!” Fleetwood rushed over to his father, laying him down on the couch. His heart fluttered with panic. How bad was he hurt? Was he going to be alright?
He imagined what his life would be like without Eldorado… HE would run the dealership.. HE would be the patriarch of the family. Perhaps this would be the big break he’d always-
“Yep,” Eldorado grunted, rubbing his back.
“Ah’ll be fine.”
“Son of a bitch.”
“What was that?”
“Erm… erm..” Fleetwood stammered, trying to think of an excuse. “Erm, uh.. How can I help?”
“Look, it’s apparent we can’t move this truck by ourselves. You go get a Unicorn t’lift it. I don’t want no God-dang filthy mule in here. ‘s’ bad fer business.”
“..Yeah, sure thing.” Fleetwood started towards the door, looking back at his father one more time. “Don’t worry, dad, I’ll be quick!”
“You BETTER BE, y’little wuss!”
As the brown stallion trotted down the road, he wondered where he could find a Unicorn. It wasn’t too long before he found himself at Carousel Boutique.
A wild thought hit him.
“...No, no, buck that,” he chuckled, shaking his head. She wouldn’t possibly do that for him! Not in a million years! After what had happened with Spike and her years ago, they probably still hated him. But, another thought struck his mind. He had, in a sick way, brought her and the little bugger together. Perhaps they would show him SOME gratitude?
Sighing, he approached the doorstep, and rapped on it, marching in place nervously.
“Spikey, get the door!”
“Yes, love.”
Lo and behold, who would open the door but Spike himself? The little dragon was utterly speechless when he came face to face with his former mentor. In fact, he looked like his eyes were about to bulge right out of his head, from the look of pure shock and disbelief. But, before Fleetwood could say a thing, the door was slammed in his face.
Summoning up more courage, he knocked again, this time louder. Spike answered yet again, now looking more bemused than surprised.
“What do you want?”
“H-hey, Spike!” the pegasus laughed, scratching the back of his head, “Can you do me a favor?”
“It depends,” the little fellow countered, giving him another sidelong glance, “what do you need, and what’s in it for me?”
“Well, I’d like to see your old lady.”
“....” Spike was less than thrilled.
“After all you’ve caused us, after all the emotional CRAZY STUFF you put us through..You want our HELP?!”
And, then it got worse. Rarity approached, taking in everything going on.
“Spikey-Wikey, I just finished the new R.J. Coltfield Spring line! Would you like to-” She stopped mid-sentence, and brandished a firepoker with her telekinesis. “WE DON’T ALLOW STRAYS IN THE HOUSE!” she started wailing, swiping at Fleetwood wildly. He began to back up, now trying the best he could to calm this mad mare down.
“N-now, hold on a minute, Ms. Rarity, I-I have a proposition!”
“A PROPOSITION?!” She began to swing more wildly now, Spike doing absolutely nothing to stop her. “The last time we listened to one of YOUR PROPOSITIONS, I woke up VIOLATED, WITH A NASTY HANGOVER!”
“NO!” He began to plead, down on his knees. “All I want to do is move out! My father strained his back, and we can’t move our furniture! If you use your telekinesis to move it FOR US, I will be out of here, and NEVER BOTHER EITHER OF YOU AGAIN!”
“Hm..” Rarity had now calmed down a bit, and was smirking. “You are a pathetic little colt, Mr. Brougham. To think, you would ask for a MARE’S help? Pah! It’s simply unthinkable.” She dropped the fire poker all together, now looking quite pleased with herself. “Very well. I will help you. But I want you gone. Forever BANISHED from my realm. Do you understand?”
“Y-yes, ma’am!”
“Good.”
The moving then proceeded without much incident. Rarity was particularly rough with some of the older, more ornate furniture. She seemed to take satisfaction in it, simply tossing it into the moving truck, and purposely bumping his nightstand on the metal door frames of the dealership. But, after a while, the job was done, and they were ready to set off.
Wilcox was particularly emotional, and even started to tear up.
“Don’t LEAVE, MR. BROUGHAM!” He begged, hanging on Fleetwood’s coattails, “THINK OF ALL THE FUN TIMES!”
“Wilcox,” he explained, gently pushing away from the tan colt’s grasp, “We’re only moving. My dad’s still running Ponyville Cadillac-Buick-Chevrolet, and I’ll still be around. But, I have important things to take care of. I’m not a colt anymore. And, if I’m gonna keep my family name of Brougham, I ought to do something remarkable.”
“Which would be?” Mel replied gruffly, wiping his oily hooves on his overalls, “All yer doin’ is movin’ into a decrepit-ass manor house, with some land infested with changelings. Completely inhospitable. All of it.”
“That’s just it!” The brown stallion aged forty exclaimed, “I will MAKE it hospitable. I will make Everfree County a place worth LIVING! A valuable part of Equestria!”
Mel and some of the small crowd that had gathered to watch the drama erupted in laughter. The plan seemed dubious. Fleetwood’s heart sunk for a moment, until he saw Wilcox, upright and rigid. He looked like a General, he thought, almost like his politician mother. The young apprentice mechanic extended his hoof to shake.
Fleetwood took it instantly.
“Godspeed, Mr. Brougham,” Wilcox sighed hopefully, “May our paths cross in the f-”
“Aw, C’MON!” Eldorado wailed, laying on the U-Lug’s horn, “Can we get this OVER WITH? I ain’t been in th’ancestral home’a mah family fer THIRTY YEARS, an’ we have a chance t’GO BACK! Cut the emotional crap, and LET’S HIT THE ROAD.”
“Coming dad!” He started toward the truck’s passenger side, shutting the rear doors, but turned back to Wilcox. “Godspeed to you too, buddy,” he responded softly, a slight smile creeping across his face, “Godspeed.”
And, with that, the truck was gone, bouncing along the rutted, dirt roads of Ponyville. With every mile, they were farther away from their old life. The old life filled with one-night stands, booze and reckless gambling. Filled with broken promises, and disgusting habits. Greater things lay ahead, and a destiny was to be fulfilled.
Fleetwood threw a rock, hitting the Sweet Apple Acres mailbox as it passed. Just as he did on race day, for the last twenty years.
