Chapters August 24th
I don’t know what’s going on. I got back to school two weeks ago, ready to start the year. The other colts and fillies are acting rather strange around me. It’s like what happens when everypony is planning a surprise party for you. They act shifty and uneasy, constantly trying to get out of conversations, almost as if they’re afraid of saying something they shouldn’t. The only difference is that it’s been two weeks, and only gotten worse. Is it something I did? The conversations I had with most of the colts at the start of the year started with them asking where Rez and Spark are. They all seemed to lose interest once they found out they weren’t here anymore. Am I just not seeing what’s going on here? Did I offend them with something I said? I’ve been around these ponies for five years. I am two years away from graduating school and being ready for the university. What’s going on? I hope things get better. Sure, things have changed, but not that much, right? Rez and Spark are still alive, just a bit farther away. I haven’t heard from them yet, though. It’s been a while, but I assume they’re just busy getting settled into their new houses. Maybe I’ll be the one to send letters first. I hope that my classmates sort out what’s going on, and soon. It’s rather awkward. Until next time,
-Clear Note
September 15th
I found out the reason I haven’t heard from Spark.
‘We regret to inform you that the family of Wide Smile, his wife Diamond Cut, and their children, Golden Spark, Knot Mender, and Tight Turn, have died. Their moving cart was found at the bottom of a mountainside cliff shortly outside of Los Pegasus, with all members of the family dead upon discovery. The official report is that a small landslide swept down the mountain, knocking the family from the cliff trail and onto the rocks below. The funeral service will be held on August the thirtieth, in the Los Pegasus chapel at seven a.m. We offer our condolences for your loss.’
Golden Spark is gone. I just got this letter this morning. It had been “mislabeled”, and lost, then delayed for two weeks because it wasn’t first class. I couldn’t even go to his funeral. I couldn’t say goodbye. Not that I’d have been able to, what with it being a closed-casket funeral. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I feel terrible inside. I’m sad. I’m angry. I’m confused. I don’t know what to do. How am I supposed to react? I’ve already cried for hours.
Does Rez know? I still haven’t heard from him. Is he okay? Is he just like all the other ponies here? Has he already forgotten about me? Was he pretending too? Was I just a bad friend? All I do is hope that there’s been something else keeping him from writing to me. So I continue to send him letters. Maybe he’ll write back eventually. I know Spark won’t.
I hope that Spark is happy, wherever he is. If there’s an afterlife, I know he’d be somewhere great. If there isn’t, I plan on keeping him alive in my memory. That’s all I can do now, I guess. I’ve been told that things always get worse before they get better. Maybe this is my turning point. Maybe things will get better. I hope so.
Thanks for everything, Spark. You were a great pony. Guess I’ll see you around, eventually. Make sure to save me a spot next to you.
-Clear Note
January 6th
Once again, it’s been a long while since I wrote one of these. Since my last entry, a lot has happened. Or less, depending on how you want to look at it. Life has started to slow down, in a way. I’ve got straight A’s, but that’s not hard when it’s one of the only things I spend time on. I have a problem, though. I get all my homework done too fast and understand everything. I hate it. Over the past two months, I’ve been thinking again. I get a lot of time to think. It was really bad at night. I tried playing music when going to sleep; give me something to focus on. It was better than thinking. That only worked for the first few weeks. Then it stopped working. I don’t know why. I started filtering out the music even when I didn’t want to. I gave in. The past seven weeks I’ve gone to sleep thinking. The first few times, I simply felt bad. Then I started feeling sad. I’ve cried myself to sleep for six weeks. I tried to keep it from happening, but I realized that there’s no feeling better. I almost feel better when I cry. I’m afraid of when I’ll stop crying. I started watching the news recently. It makes me feel worse. Ponies are dying every day, many times at the hooves of other ponies. The world is filled with so many bad things. Lies, deception, murder, theft, the list goes on and on. Is this the world I live in? My Hearth’s Warming Eve was special; I didn’t cry myself to sleep that night. My parents are gone more and more at work. They are being run ragged by their jobs, the economy, and trying to support our family. I’ve gone days without ever having seen them. I think things would be much harder for them if they had to constantly come see me. I still haven’t heard from Rez. I stopped writing letters to him. I guess they never went through. Either that, or he doesn’t care about me anymore. Like everyone else. Today was the first day back at school. Nothing has changed. The days have started to blur. It’s always the same thing. My father told me I should look into a mane and tail cut. I don’t know why. No pony cares. Well, he might. Not sure why. Our food bill has gone down, apparently. I’m only eating two meals a day. I haven’t really been that hungry lately. Maybe that’s a good thing. I’m saving us money, so my parents can have more to keep us living in Canterlot. They moved here to start an amazing new life. I want them to have that life, so I’m glad I’m not getting in the way.
-Clear
March 8th
Today I didn’t go to school. I finally realized that there wasn’t much point. I already have straight A’s. Not that anypony cares. I’m doing fine at school, why should I go? No pony is going to notice, except the teachers, who will mark it on a paper and forget. Watched the news again. Fourteen robberies, twenty-three murders, six corporate frauds, and twelve suicides. Each one was given less than a minute of air-time. That’s the world I live in. One where we push aside all the bad things we don’t want to think about, and focus on other things. I don’t. I think about it a lot. I have no idea what I’m doing anymore. I’m stuck in a world that I can’t change, living a life that’s dissolved into a rut where I’m barely a pony. Maybe if I wasn’t a pony, it would be different. Maybe I’d be noticed. Even hate would be better than what I’m getting. I came to realize that my writing isn’t great. I could make it nice, but there’s no point. Rez was always interested in writing and grammar. He loved proofreading and story making. Maybe when I’m older, I’ll write into my will that he can have everything I’ve written. I know he’d have a hayday with all the grammar in this notebook. Then again, I don’t even know if he still does this type of thing. Still haven’t heard from him. Maybe I’ll see what kind of writing I’d be good at. If anypony would ever read it, of course.
March 31st
Every morning I just lay in bed, trying to find a reason to get up and keep going on. I fail every time. I still do it, though. I don’t know why. I’ve been thinking some more, lately. What if I died? Obviously, no pony would care, let alone notice. I don’t really want to die. Not sure why. It’s not like it would change anything. Wouldn’t even make an impact or statement about the world. I could kill myself in any number of ways. I could make it painless and fast. I won’t though. It’s too much of a bother. I’ve only left my room in the past three days to get food once a day and use the restroom. I’d might as well. Nothing else I do matters. Not even this. I started asking myself more questions. I am rather confused, though. Four days ago, right before I stopped going to school, I got attention. A filly approached me and asked me why I looked sad. I couldn’t answer her. What was I supposed to do? Make her sad by telling her my problems? I don’t think she’d be different from anypony else. Nopony has been any different from the others; they only care on the outside for a brief minute. Why would she be different? She transferred in from Ponyville a while ago. I think. I haven’t really paid attention. No pony would care if I knew when they got here. I’m just confused as to why she saw me. I’ve been invisible for a long time. I don’t think I’ll keep trying to figure it out. It won’t matter. No pony would ask me. I’ve been feeling a lot more tired lately. I’m sleeping more and more. It doesn’t bother me. I won’t spend that time doing anything meaningful, anyways. I’ll probably stop writing these entries. I don’t need the outlet anymore. The emotions are gone, so there’s no need for somewhere to put them. I’ll just keep going on. Maybe things will change eventually. Maybe the world will be a better place soon. It’s hurt me for a long time, and now I’m broken. I still can’t bring myself to care. Because this is my last entry, I’ll end it with a goodbye to myself. I’m closing this chapter of my life, and maybe a new one will start soon. I hope so.
-Clear Note
February 14th
Today is Hearts and Hooves Day. It’s supposed to be special. It used to be, for me. Not anymore. Makes me sadder than I already am. Rez used to have a marefriend here in Canterlot, and he’d always spend the day with her. Five days ago she died. I don’t know if Rez knows. I can’t tell him. Gold used to talk all about today. It was his birthday. Used to be, anyways. All I saw today was red and pink everywhere. The hearts strung everywhere to express love. All of them were perfectly cut and decorated, showing the beauty of love. A real heart doesn’t look like that. It’s a fleshy lump of muscle that pumps the blood around the body to keep us alive. A real heart isn’t a pretty thing. I’ve started to question if I have one. I’m pretty sure I do. Blood comes out when I get cut. I don’t do that, of course. I saw once about a filly who cut her hooves because she felt really sad. I thought about it. I chose not to. I don’t like pain. I’ve felt it enough to know it isn’t something I can find comfort in. I don’t even own any shirts to cover it up. But I still question if I have a heart. Isn’t that where I’m supposed to feel emotions? Happiness. Anger. Joy. Hate. Love. I haven’t felt those in a long time. I haven’t felt anything other than sadness for months. It doesn’t even sit where my heart should be. It happens all over me. Other times I’ve just felt nothing. Like the past few nights. I hit what I was afraid of. I don’t cry myself to sleep anymore. I’m supposed to be scared, but I can’t even feel that. What am I supposed to do now? I just keep going, like a robot. I like that analogy. I’d might as well be a robot. I’ve got a core, I don’t feel, I have four hooves and an ability to think. I’ve been thinking a lot recently. Then again, I don’t think I could be a robot. I can still feel sad. Sometimes. I decided to take off my mask today, in order to let out the emotions I’ve been bottling up. Nothing came out. There were no emotions to come out. Here’s to the Hearts and Hooves Day where I became the mask I wore.
July 11th
Not sure how I’m supposed to start this. This isn’t a diary, so I’m not writing ‘dear diary’ at the top. Then again, I don’t really care. I’m just writing this because it seems a good outlet, now that my others are all gone.
I haven’t been feeling too great lately. About a week ago, my two best friends left. Found out two months ago that they both had to move away. Resonant Quill’s parents got a new job in Fillydelphia, and he had to move with them. Golden Spark was removed from the school by his parents. Something about ‘not being what he needs’, and had to move to Los Pegasus. I guess I kinda knew this might happen, but I don’t think I was prepared for this. I just feel . . . empty. We’ve been planning on keeping in touch, so it won’t be too bad. Sure, Rez and Spark were the first two friends I’ve ever had, but I’ve made others. The others here in Canterlot aren’t as close, but they’re still friends. I hope I can get back into the swing of things once school starts back up. I could really use a pick-me-up. My parents have tried telling me the same old things, like ‘there’s plenty of other fillies and colts’, but I know that they won’t be anything like Spark and Rez. Until then, I’ll just keep practicing with my clarinet. Maybe I can secure a spot in the Canterlot Orchestra for when I graduate. I suppose I’ll just write in here again when something else happens. Until then,
-Clear Note
September 3rd
The other ponies got it sorted out. I’m not a friend anymore, I guess. They’ve stopped talking to me entirely. I’m starting to feel invisible here. The teachers just see me as another student. The administration sees me as just another reason to get money. The other fillies and colts don’t even see me at all. I found a new sort of satisfaction in playing my clarinet. I don’t have to worry about anypony else, or what goes on around me. It calms me down. I’m still the first chair clarinet player in the band, of course, but that doesn’t really mean much. I would be happy without it because I don’t think one’s position should dictate how good they can do in the real world. I used to get jealousy and contempt from some of the other ponies who wanted my spot. I don’t even get a sideways glance anymore. What happened? Life was good, and then Resonant and Golden left. Once that happened, I became a nobody. Did I even have any friends other than Rez and Spark? Were the other colts and fillies just tolerating me because I was close to Rez and Spark? Am I that bad? Is there something about me that I’m doing wrong? I don’t know. I’ll see if I can fix things. Talk to ponies. Maybe I can figure out what the problem is. I don’t want to change who I am. Then again, I’m invisible, so changing myself wouldn’t mean anything. No pony would notice it.
-Clear Note
October 21st
It’s been over a month since I’ve written one of these. Things at school have gotten worse. I think. My grades are a bit lower than usual, but that’s not really a problem. After over two months of being ignored, I’m starting to get some attention. Sort of. No pony has talked to me directly (except for the teachers) for over a month, but now they’re talking about me. Some of them, anyways. To most, I’m still not worth the time. ‘Look at him. He’s a bit thinner than usual,’ they’ll say. ‘What’s up with his hooves? Did something happen? He’s sort-of wobbly when he walks,’ or ‘Why doesn’t he talk to anypony?’ I don’t know what they’re talking about. Not that I’d care. Why would I care what they’re saying? None of them care enough to give me the time of day, so how would they know what I usually look like? Well, they’re right about the talking. It’s almost funny how hypocritical that statement is. Of course I don’t talk. Nopony wants to answer. I just spend my time playing my clarinet or doing schoolwork. I need things to do. If I don’t have something to do, I just think. I don’t like doing that. Last time I did, it went down some places I’d rather not go. The kind of things that get ponies talked to by others who ‘care’. I discovered that writing this works nicely to keep me occupied. I get to express my feelings. I tried talking to my parents once a couple months ago. It didn’t go well. I was brushed off as having ‘conflicted feelings due to being a teenage colt’ and told that things would be better. I figured from then on that it would be better to keep my thoughts and feelings inside. Make myself a mask to hold everything back. Nopony would notice, of course. It’s a mask that looks and sounds like me. Even if somepony noticed, I doubt they’d care. No pony has so far. I take it off to write these journal entries, of course. Let some of the feelings out. I don’t want the mask to back up too much. If that happened, I’m afraid it’d burst and hurt other ponies. Not that there’d be anypony close enough to hurt. Why go near something you don’t care about? I should probably keep working on my school work. The mares and stallions running the school said there’d be scholarships for students with high enough grades.
-Clear
