Chapters Bloody Debauchery and Other Gentle Pastimes
Introducing Plum Peach
A young earth pony mare slowly trotted her way into town as the sun was just beginning to rise. Not one other soul to be seen on the lane of dust that you could call a street. She was pulling a small wooden cart built for one behind her. It was clearly homemade, with several nails carelessly poking from their holes as though the craftspony who was hammering them got a lame good halfway through the job and simply moved on to the next. At least two blocks of wood on the side of the cart were cracked, obviously from a pony who thought that pre-drilling holes were just a waste of time. The two pine wheels on the wagon wobbled odiously as the cart moved through the sand, one or two spokes missing on each wheel. It wouldn’t take a genius to figure out that whoever built such a disgrace to wagons everywhere had no clue what he or she was doing. The only part of the cart that didn’t seem to be the inbred offspring of a wheelbarrow and a ramshackle wheelbarrow was the harness attaching the mare to the mobile mess of nails and wood. It had a fine leather cowling that fit snuggly around her waist as she trotted along.
As for the mare herself, she was an average sized plum purple mare, though some would say she was more of a boysenberry color than plum. She had disheveled eggplant hair which hinted at a more coiffured hair style from before, but now her hair simply hung down to her shoulders. She had the cutie mark of plum and a peach in a crystal chalice. A Quietly, she continued to trot into the desolate town, looking from left to right. She passed an empty library, post office, doctor’s office, and a gun store before coming to a halt in front of the saloon in the middle of the one avenue that ran straight through the middle of the town. She could also see a barber’s shop, trading post, police office and Inn in front of her. Every building looked to be made of new wood though there wasn't a tree to be seen for miles around. But that wasn’t the only peculiar thing; Plum Peach hadn’t seen even a hint of life anywhere in the small town. Sure it was early, but for nopony to be up at all was just strange. With a huff and a grunt she wriggled out of her harness and stretched her back. She drew her hoof over her forehead to flick the sweat off before completely shaking her entire body, causing a thin cloud of dust to float into the air.
“Hello!?” Plum called out to any pony within earshot. Her left ear perked up to listen for any reply but dropped after a few seconds. Plum kicked the sand in front of her and walking to the rear of her unique cart. Giving another small grunt she reached down and grabbed a map. Carefully, she unfolded it and laid it across the floor of her cart. She slowly traced her hoof across the map, following a thin red line that she had drawn on it previously.
“This place is on the map.” She mumbled to herself, stopping her hoof over a dot in the middle of a large desert.
“So why isn’t anypony here?” Plum asked herself, looking around the empty town. An eyebrow raised an inch above her eye before she gave a lazy shrug and folded the map back into it's original shape. As Plum was about pull a canteen of water out of her cart, the sound of shattering glass and running water erupted from the saloon next to her. Plum’s head swiveled immediately, her lilac eye scanning the windows to find whatever caused the noise. She stood there in silence for several long moments while the sound of running water continued. With light hoof-steps Plum slowly made her way towards the swinging doors of the saloon. When she reached the wood that made up the porch at the front she carefully pushed one of the doors open. For a split second Plum flinched at what she saw then relaxed and stood up straight. The saloon was empty. A shatter wine glass could be seen on the counter and as for source of the water sound, one of the taps were running, spilling dark brown alcohol onto the floor behind the counter. A large display of fine wines and liqueur were stacked all the way to the ceiling in a large oak cabinet without a door was just as long as half the bar counter. Next to it was a cabinet just a big filled with various different drinking glasses which explained the shattered wine glass. The bar stretched all the way to the back of the building, being stopped only by a staircase that must have to led to a second story. A small door was imbedded in the side of the staircase. Three tables were placed around the rest of the open room with chairs accompanying them. A piano was resting in the far left corner with a page of music resting on the white and black keys. There was a coat hanger just left of the entrance and under Plum’s hooves was a welcome mat that read “Sarsaparilla Soft’s Bloody Mare-y.”
“Anypony here?” Plum asked, looking around the room cautiously. When no reply came, she trotted over to the bar. She stopped in front of the still running tap and eyed the falling brown liquid with wide pupils, unconsciously licking her lips. With one last cautionary glance around the room Plum leaned forward and took a mouthful from the tap. As soon as she did her eyes squeezed shut and she reeled back and fell into the wine cabinet, making the glasses shriek and shudder. She spit it out her drink like it was poison and fell into a coughing fit, her eyes tearing up. A single raised and rubbed the back of her head where she hit the cabinet.
“Ow.” Plum pouted, spitting one extra time to get every drop out of her mouth.
“Who puts vodka on tap?” She asked again in a pathetic tone, still rubbing the back of her head.
“I wish this place had...some…” Plum Peach faded off when she looked up at the bounty of +at least a eighty bottles of wine and liqueur. Her pain was quickly forgotten as her lilac spheres scanned the rack. She picked herself off the floor and continued to scan the rack until her eyes fell upon a particular bottle. Her eyes sparkled as she reared up and grabbed the bottle. It was labeled “southern sweet rump.” It also had a subtitle that declared that this type of alcohol was, “For the mares with sweet rumps.”
Happily, Plum trotted over to the other cabinet with a cute wiggle in her rear. Casually, she nosed a beer stein glass off one of the lower shelves and tossed it up onto her head with practiced ease. With bottle in mouth and glass on head, Plum walked from out behind the counter and over to the table closest to the bar. She hummed a jolly tune and set the bottle down gently. She pulled out a chair, sat down and tossed the stein glass off of the top of her head and onto the table. Still humming, she leaned forward and poured herself a drink. She took a long sip of the drink, licking her lips happily and continuing her sipping.
•••
With a content smile spreading across her face Plum let out a cute little burp. The tap behind the bar counter was still spilling it’s brown liquid onto the floor. Plum hiccupped and laid her head down of the table, eyeing the empty bottle of Southern Sweet Rumps happily. With a full belly of liqueur Plum started to drift off into luna-land, her eyelids going down a little then popping back up before going down even further and further until her eyes were closed. Just as she was about to fall asleep Plum’s ears shot up when a voice came from out of the blue.
“You enjoy’in your drink young lady?” A feminine voice asked with a Trottingham accent and a southern speech pattern.
“Mmm-hmm.” Plum Peach replied with a lackadaisical, gleeful tone, her eyes still closed. What came next was a loud ‘click-clack’ and a heavy thunk. Plum’s eyes shot open in fear, her head turning to see an azure blue mare with silver hair pointing a shotgun directly at her, using the railing as a brace. She wore a light yellow dress with lace seams and had a cold stare locked right on Plum. Plum screamed, jumping out of her seat and ducking behind the table.
“Gimme one real good reason I shan’t pump you full’a led thief.” The blue mare said, slowly making her way down the steps.
“W-w-wait! I-I’m not a thief! I didn't think anypony was here so I just took some of my favorite drink! I-I have bits in my cart. Please don’t kill me!” Plum couldn’t have said her words any faster. Her hooves were high in the air trembling.
“That’s what a thief is!” The blue mare deadpanned.
“Just. Don’t kill me.” Plum pleaded with a wavering voice, pinching her eyes shut.
“Well. You don’t look like a thief.” The mare said, reaching the bottom of the steps. She took her shotgun off of the stair railing and let it hang on her side by it’s sling.
“You said you’ve got money in’a cart?” The blue mare asked, her expression softening to a more quizzical look.
“Uh-huh! I promise, as Celestia as my witness that I’ll pay for whatever I took.” Plum said, opening one eye. The blue mare just looked at her, several quiet, awkward moments going by before she spoke again.
“Nah. You’re an okay lady. First one’s free for you.” The blue mare finally said, giving Plum a reassuring smile.
“So you’re, uh, not going to kill me.” Plum asked, opening both eyes and peering over the table with teary eyes.
“Nah. I won’t kill ya. I paid for this place, stocked it to the brim with every kinda drink in this side of Equestria and haven’t gotten a single customer in two weeks. Shan’t kill me first.” The mare trotted over to Plum and gestured her to come out from behind the table. “An it ain’t like you did anything more than- what in the wet saddles!” The blue shrieked, staring over at the bar.
“What!? What is it!?” Plum yelped, shrinking away from the mare with a shotgun.
“Bloody. Ya went an broke one of my wine glasses. What, and was turning off the tap too much of a struggle for you!?” The blue mare complained, pointing at the bar with scowl.
“T-that wasn’t me! The glass was broken when I came in!” Plum said.
“Oh really? Then who did, a changeling?” The blue mare rolled her eyes in disbelief.
“I swear!” Plum continued, stomping her hoof lightly. The blue mare didn’t respond. She trotted over to the tap and flicked it up, ending the steady stream of alcohol.
“There must be a gallon at least.” She grumbled under breath. She took in one long breath and then let out an even longer exhale before turning to Plum.
“What’s your name?” She asked, waving her over to the bar.
“Um, Plum Peach, but the order is interchangeable.” Plum said, slowly making her way over to the bar.
“Well Ms. Peach-” The blue mare was almost immediately cut off.
“Why do you assume I’m not engaged?” Plum scoffed with an offended raised hoof.
“Cause ya aren't. And cause ya not really in the right predicament to be gettin offended.” The blue mare scolded in a deadpan tone.
Plum lowered her head. “Sorry.” She whispered.
“Anyway. Ms. Plum, could you reach up and get that glass right there, the red one with hearts on it?” The blue mare continued what she was trying to ask earlier, pointing to a particularly big red glass. Plum opened her mouth like she was about to ask why but decided against it. Without another word, Plum reared up on her hind legs and reached up to grab the glass. Her hooves stopped just two rows short of the cup. She tried jumping but still couldn't reach it.
“I can’t reach it. How did you even get it up there?” Plum asked, cocking her head with a confused look.
“A ladder. I just wanted ta see if you were a unicorn or not. I guess you didn’t knock over the glass. I keep the wine glasses at the top.” The blue mare said, chuckling softly. Plum stared at her like she was insane, her mouth agape. Her teeth were immaculately white with nary a stain to be seen.
“Are you retarded!?” Plum growled, blowing air through her mouth accompanied with a heavy stomp of her hoof.
“No. I ain't! And don’t go using that word! I just wanted to see if you were a unicorn cause some of ‘em will disguise their horns when they come down here. But ya got right to use that word.” The blue mare met Plum’s attitude with equal opposition while scolding her like a foal.
“Oh not you! That word is the clinical defi- did you say unicorns disguise their horns?” Plum started out rolling her eyes with a annoyed and haughty tone before changing to surprise in the split of a second.
“Yeah. I’ve seen two. A mare and a stallion both with invisible horns. Them two said it was to avoid trouble. And your pearly whites there are bright shiny giveaways of posh unicorn life. Where you from anyhow?” The blue mare asked, sweeping the broken glass off of the counter and into a trash can at the end of the bar.
“I’m from Fort Trotterdale, up north.” Plum said, struggling with whether to be proud or nervous.
“Ah, a unicorn city. No wonder you act like that?” The blue mare said with a smirk.
“Act like what?” Plum asked, stomping her hoof again.
“Like that. You’re so prissy. Heck, you nearly jumped outa your fur when you saw me.” The mare said, chuckling.
“Ha. Ha. Sorry I don’t enjoy staring down the barrels of guns.” Plum said sarcastically. She rolled her eyes and turned towards the swinging doors.
“You know what? I’m going to go. It was nice talking with you.” Plum said, beginning to trot to the door.
“Hey, hey! Don’t go! Look, Peach Plum, I’m sorry. You’re obviously not a prissy unicorn-abe. Heck, I’m the one wearing a dress while you're all natural.” The mare called after Plum, reaching out at the plum colored mare before gesturing to her yellow dress. Plum turned and looked at her in perplexment. Several questions were running through her head. Why was this mare trying to keep her here? Why was there no other ponies? How did this mare have a Trottingham accent but a southern twang? Would it really hurt to get shot? All these questions whizzed through Plum’s noggin as she took in the entire scene before her. But one question in particular stood out that she just had to know the answer to.
“What in Equestria is a unicorn-ah-bee?” Plum asked, cocking her head to the left, her ears flopping down.
“Oh? It’s just’a pegasus or earth pony that acts like a unicorn.” The azure mare stated simply.
“Right. I’m going to go.” Plum said, exaggerating her movements as she turned around to leave.
“Wait. I thought you were going to stay?” The mare asked in frustration.
“I’m just going to go get a room at the inn. I’ll be back.” Plum said.
“There’s nopony there. No innkeeper.” the blue mare said, raising a single brow.
“Oh. Um, then I’ll leave some bits on the front desk and find a ro-” Plum couldn't finish.
“There’s no front desk. Or furniture of any kind. The owner hasn’t come to town yet and no furnitures' been delivered.” The mare said, raising a hoof in a shrug.
“Is there anypony here besides you?” Plum asked, looking around absently.
“There’s the sheriff. That’s it.” The mare said, trotting over to a table and sitting down.
“Then who built this place!?” Plum whined, looking at the ceiling in frustration.
“Come’n sit down an I’ll tell ya.” The blue mare said, pointing at the chair Plum had been sitting in previously. Plum blew air out of her nose and trudged over to the chair before plopping down across from the azure mare.
“Okay. I’m sitting. So who built this place? The sheriff?” Plum questioned, glancing at the empty bottle of sweet rumps.
“It was a bunch’a royal soldiers. Celestia thinks that the best way ta get ponies settled in the south is to build up these here towns and sell the buildings to random ponies. I would think a pony from a unicorn city would know.” The blue mare explained, leaning forward and resting her hooves on the table.
“Nope. We don’t really pay much attention to the south.” Plum said in a bored tone, circling the rim of the empty bottle with her hoof.
“You actually like that stuff?” The mare, who was way too intrigued in such small talk, asked cocking her head a tad.
“Huh? Sweet rumps? Oh yeah. It’s sweet and doesn’t burn like that putrid vodka you have on tap over there.” Plum said, closing her eyes in memory of her favorite drink then pointing angrily at the tap that had now been turned off.
“Ms. Peach, my name is Sarsaparilla Soft. I grew up makin and sellin alcoholic drink and can guarantee without a shadow of’a doubt that vodka is not brown.” Sarsaparilla chuckled, face hoofing with laughter.
Plum Peach’s cheeks grew bright red, even through her plum coat. She put her hooves in her lap and looked off to the left in embarrassment.
“Oh.”
Bloody Debauchery and Other Gentle Pastimes
Introducing Lucky Lilia
It was mid morning. The sun was halfway to the center of the sky and the onslaught of it’s heat turned the desert in an oven. The sand burned like magma and was nearly unbearable to naked hooves. Trudging through the vast flat of heat was a white earth pony mare. She had bleach blonde hair that drooped, damp from sweat, yet none of her hair clumped together. She wore a large, black stetson hat with beaded tassels hanging off that shaded her face from the sun. Most of the beads were either ivory, gray, or ebony wood but a few on the tips of the tassels were green. She also had a green handkerchief tied around her neck that blew gently with the hot wind. A black painted whinnychester repeater was slung on her back as well, the few silver parts of it not painted glistening in the light. The mare looked up and squinted her eyes, spotting a dark purple blur moving something inside a building, the heat refraction making it nearly impossible to make out any more detail.
“Curse Celestia and this heat.” The mare grumbled under her breath. She continued her trek through the scorched sand, gaining more and more ground before finally stepping hoof on the main avenue that ran through the town. The mare picked up her pace and jogged to the saloon. The moment she got close she leapt onto the porch and fell onto her side.
“Oooh! That feels so much better!” She exclaimed, laying her head on the wood with a small smile spreading across her muzzle. Her voice was a little more harsh than the average pony from the south and carried no accent. Taking the time to enjoy having her hooves off of the hot sand, the white mare let her eyes close and tip her hat down in front of her eyes. Within seconds, a light snore formed in her throat.
•••
“Should we wake her up?” Plum asked Sarsaparilla, looking at the white mare curiously. The two were both standing over the sleeping mare, looking down at her. Well one was looking down at her while the other pointed the barrel of a shotgun down at her. They kept silent for a few moments before Sarsaparilla spoke.
“Nah. Seein that us talking hasn't woken ’er up, she probably needs it. We can check later.” She said, shrugging and letting her shotgun hang at her side once more. Plum looked at Sarsaparilla in amazement, looking the mare up and down.
“How do you do that?” She asked in genuine curiosity.
“What? Hold’a gun?” Sarsaparilla asked with equal amazement. With a small laugh, she unslung her shotgun.
“It’s easy. Look. All ya gotta do is put the butt of the gun right here, right where your rear leg meets your body. Add a’little pressure to keep it in place. To pull the trigger, just raise your other rear leg and pow, whatever was there ain't there anymore.” Sarsaparilla explained by showing how to do it, all the while looking at Plum like she was the one out of the ordinary.
“Wow.” Plum Peach mouthed out in wonder.
“You ain't see somepony handle a gun without a mount before?” Sarsaparilla asked, slinging her gun once again.
“No. Only unicorns. They just use magic.” Plum said, glancing down at the sleeping white mare. She really was a heavy sleeper.
“Well come on, I’ll teach ya to shoot! We’ll check on snores-a-lot when we get back.” Sarsaparilla Soft exclaimed, waving her hoof for Plum to follow as she trotted down the avenue towards the police station at the end of town.
“Okay!” Plum said in excitement, jogging to catch up to Sarsaparilla. Leaving the white mare alone to sleep on the porch.
Bloody Debauchery and Other Gentle Pastimes
Introducing Backsaw McColt
The sun was blazing at it’s peak, high in the sky. It was high noon. A loud bell rang out through the sweltering air. The origin of the sound came from the police office at the end of town. A large bell was hidden just behind the building out of sight. It made it seem as though the low ringing sound came from the sky itself. The bell rang exactly two times, both with five second gaps in between each ring.
The light jingling of horseshoe spurs grew louder and louder as a baby blue stallion with dark blue hair walked into town. He wore a brown ten gallon hat that just barely fit him and bore the cutie mark of a backsaw. His eyes were gray and his teeth were worse than a donkey’s. A shiny silver revolver was holstered on his foreleg with an ineligible engraving on the barrel. With the confidence of a lone rooster in a hen house, he strolled down the main avenue of town. His spurs jangling all the way before he came to a stop in front of the saloon. He gathered the saliva in his mouth and spat it noisily on the ground. His eyes immediately caught sight of the white mare sleeping on the porch. A sly smirk crossed his face and he trotted over to her with what could described at best as swagger and at worse the walk of a retard.
“Missy, I do believe I am lost. Could you point me in the direction of uh-” the stallion paused his speech and strained his eyes to read what the welcome mat under the swinging doors said. “-ah, could you point me in the direction of Sarsaparilla Soft’s Bloody Mare-y. I am positively parched.” He continued with new found confidence in his words. While he did have a slight midwestern accent, he didn't have any speech impediment whatsoever. What he got in response was the exact opposite of what he expected. A snore erupted out from under the black stetson hat that covered the mare’s face. The blue stallion leaned back with a raised eyebrow.
“Uh, missy? Yoo hoo!” the stallion asked, waving his hoof wildly in front of the sleeping mare.
“WAKE UP!” he screamed at the mare. All she did was mumble some sort of foreign insult, not even opening her eyes. The blue stallion let out a ‘hmph’ before gathering a bunch of saliva in his mouth and spat it into the sand noisily.
“Alright missy, I know how to wake you up.” the stallion said with a devilish smirk. The blue stallion reached down and grabbed his revolver. He trotted a few steps closer to the mare and leaned down beside her ear.
“Wakey-wakey.” He whispered with a wicked grin. He placed his revolver right next to the mare’s white ear and let loose one bullet, the bang resonating through the air for at least a mile. There was half a second of utter silence after the shot before the stallion’s gun was in the white mare’s maw in a swift flash of white. Her eyes were locked on him with fury blazing in them like green hellfire. The stallion’s smug attitude vanished to be replaced with fear and panic battling for dominance in his grey eyes. He held onto his revolver for dear life but that was a huge mistake on his part. The white mare cocked her head and yanked the blue stallion towards her, to his terror. She head butted him with extreme force which got him to let go of the revolver as he fell onto his back in the hot sand. Angrily, the mare spat out the revolver and pulled her whinnychester from her side and pointed it right at the stallions gut. She held her repeater with one hoof and cocked it with a jerk.
“Give me one good reason I shouldn't bury a bullet in your stomach like the dog you are!?” The mare threatened in rage.
“Whoa, whoa! Don't shoot me!” The stallion screamed, putting his hooves in the air frantically.
“Why not!? You were gonna rape me, just like every other stallion who finds a mare all alone!” The mare snapped accusingly.
“W-what!? Look missy, I was not going to rape you, I promise.” The stallion pleaded, scootching away from the mare.
“Uh-huh, that’s why you had a gun to my head and was leaned over me?” The mare asked sarcastically, her brow raised high.
“N-n-no. I was just trying to wake you up! Honest!” The stallion pleaded, fear welling up inside him.
“Just like a stallion! You lie! Well you can tell that to your maker mister.” The mare growled, aiming down her sights and squeezing the trigger.
“Please!” The stallion pleaded before a huge bang split the air, silencing him. His eyes were pinched shut for a few seconds but then they relaxed and slowly drew open with teary eyes.
“Put. The gun. Down!” A female's voice called from several yards away. The blue stallion looked to his left to see an azure mare with a light yellow dress. A plum purple mare stumbled and fumbled with a shotgun before falling on her butt while clutching the gun desperately with the barrel beside her ear. The shotgun let off another bang, making the purple pony stiffen in pain, her eyes tightening and shrinking.
“She’s crazy! She shot me!” The blue stallion shrieked, reaching out at the two mares.
“No she didn’t ya nit.” Sarsaparilla Soft said in deadpan, rolling her eyes. The blue stallion gave her a confused look before patting himself down. Luckily, there were no holes in his body.
“I thought you’d be trouble. White mares are always problematic.” Sarsaparilla said, nodding to herself.
“ME!? This stallion nearly blew my ear off!” The mare yelled back at Soft.
“Hey! Let’s just put the guns down, and we can all explain what happened like regular, adult ponies.” The blue stallion said to Sarsaparilla, seeing as she acted more rational. There was an awkward silence between the group before the white mare lowered her whinnychester and slung it onto her back.
“Alright mister. But you make one move, look one bit suspicious and I’ll shoot you dead faster than a breezie in a hurricane. You understand?” The mare spoke like a school teacher to a filly, glaring all the while.
“I understand.” The blue stallion said, gulping. Hesitantly, he picked himself out of the sand and settled into a sitting position.
“What’s your names?” Sarsaparilla Soft asked, trotted up to the two ponies in question, Plum following closely behind. Her ears had stopped ringing now and she had slung the gun on her side, barrel facing the opposite way.
“Lilia, Lucky Lilia.” The white mare said, lowering herself into a sitting position on the porch.
“Backsaw McColt.” The blue stallion said, wiping sweat from his face. Plum’s ears perked when the stallion said ‘McColt.’
“I’m Sarsparilla Soft and this here is Plum Peach interchangeable. Now, what exactly happened in front of my saloon?” Soft asked, looking back and forth between the two ponies. Backsaw spoke up first.
“I walked into town to try and find the local saloon and I saw miss Lilia sleeping on the porch. So I tried to wake her up.” Backsaw explained his side of the story with a little nervousness climbing it’s way up his throat.
“He forgot to mention that his way of so called ‘waking me’ was putting that stupid revolver beside my ear and pulling the trigger! Stupid dog!” Lilia spat at Backsaw like the pure epitome of spite itself was guiding her words. Sarsparilla looked at Backsaw in her classic deadpan look with the new addition of one raised brow.
“Really? Ya had ta wake her up that way?” Sarsaparilla asked sarcastically.
“That is the most heaviest sleeping pony I ever have met!” Backsaw cried in defense. Plum visibly cringed at the way he worded his sentence.
“Agreed. You were out like a light a little while ago.” Soft shrugged and looked to Lilia for her plea.
“Doesn’t mean this male mutt gets to bust my ear drum!” Lucky Lilia complained, kicking the ground a little bit. Plum stepped up past Sarsparilla after Lilia’s statement.
“Um, do you have something against stallions?” Plum asked, cocking her head in confusion.
“Of course. If it’s not raping mares it’s stealing from them when it comes to stallions. No good dreck of the world is what they are!” Lillia retorted, pointing at Backsaw as if he had personally committed every crime mentioned.
“What!?” Both Plum and Backsaw exclaimed in unison.
“Lucky here’s right. Stallions ain’t good for nothin. Bunch of rubbish is what they are.” Sarsparilla said with eerie simplicity in her voice.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa. What!? Just because some stallions do that don'ts mean we all do.” Backsaw said, jumping to his hooves. Plum cringed once again at his sentence structure but nodded her head in agreement.
“Yeah! What’s wrong with you two?” Plum said in astonishment.
“It’s true. Statistics show that nearly 92% of the entire stallion population of Equestria has either committed or has thought about committing rape or theft.” Sarsparilla countered, adopting a very forced educated tone of voice. Plum’s eyes shrunk into annoyed expression with a hint of deadpan.
“Are you serious?” Plum Peach asked with her mouth agape. Lilia and Sarsparilla nodded their heads rapidly.
“I am not a rapist, or a thief, or any other random criminal you crazy mares could think of. I’m just gonna go get a room at the inn.” Backsaw said, obviously done with the conversation, his eyes rolling as he turned away from Lilia and Soft.
“Inn’s empty.” Plum and Sarsparilla said in unison.
“Then I’ll leave some bits on the-” Backsaw stopped abruptly when Plum started shaking her head in a ‘no’ fashion.
“There’s no furniture. It’s an empty building.” The purple mare said.
“Well I gotta stay somewhere. The next town isn’t for miles.” Backsaw said in an exasperated manner, moving his eyes from Plum to Sarsparilla.
“Y’all can stay in my saloon, I got’a few extra blankets. Just make sure ya buy somethin.” Sarsparilla said, waving her hoof dismissively. Lillia showed obvious discomfort of staying in the same place as Backsaw but not a peep came from her muzzle. A silence grew between them, a welcomed one. It meant nopony was trying to kill another. Each pony hesitantly made their way into the Bloody Mare-y and after a few minutes were settled down. Plum and Backsaw were chatting about life up north, the subject of Plum’s favorite alcohol bringing a chuckle to Backsaw. Lillia sat at the bar as far away from those two and Sarsparilla Soft trotted around the saloon with a bored look on her face. Minutes turned to half an hour, half an hour turned to an hour and so on and so forth. After about two hours the room grew silent and Lillia had fallen asleep again. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a grey stallion burst through the saloon doors in dramatic fashion with a shiny silver star pinned to the side of his gray wool bowler hat that sat snuggly atop his head.
“I heard shooting!” The stallion exclaimed, looking around the room with searching eyes.
“You’re about two hours late sheriff!” Sarsparilla Soft snapped in annoyance, face hoofing at the spectacle.
“Oh.”
Bloody Debauchery and Other Gentle Pastimes
Introducing Avalon Sky
The sun was floating just over the horizon, a few streaks of orange and gold beginning to form in the sky. The heat of the day was beginning to die down now and the sand was once again fit for walking on without pain. But that was no issue for the orange pegasus flying in from the east. It was a stallion with an orange coat that made him blend in with the evening sunset. His cutiemark was a yellow star with blue streaks behind it. He had blue hair and light green eyes that scanned the desert floor, spotting the tiny wooden buildings of the town. He circled the small town several times before stretching his wings as wide as he could and glided down with ease. His hooves touched the sand with a gentle crunch and immediately he started trotting towards the saloon. He had a one sided saddle bag that was near to bursting with apples and oranges. His feathers were glossy and perfectly preened, shaking as he walked. He wore a confident smirk on his muzzle which his eyes complimented with their own glint of confidence. He gathered the spit in his mouth and spat it out on the wooden porch of the saloon before pushing the swinging doors open dramatically.
“It is I, Avalon Sky! World famous globetrotter and the best flyer this side of Equestria!” The orange stallion announced, striking a pose with his nose up. Apparently, when he wasn’t greeted with applause and praise from his fans he lowered his nose and gulped at the unamused, angry, and deadpanned expressions littered throughout the saloon.
“Congratulations! Now shud’up.” Sarsaparilla Soft said sarcastically with half-lidded eyes. Avalon physically recoiled at her reaction, gasping as the blue mare turned back to her game of cards with a plum colored mare.
“W-what!? Don’t you know who I am?” Avalon asked in astonishment.
“No son, we don’t.” A grey stallion said from the steps of the saloon, cleaning his revolver. He had a silver star pinned to a holster on his rear left leg that read, “Sheriff.” Avalon turned to his left to see a white mare lounging in a seat, her rear legs up on the table while her hat covered her face.
“What about you? Do you know who I am?” He asked, leaning forward in Lilia’s direction. There was a long pause before snickering started to echo around the room, all three ponies looking at him with scrunched noses and tight lips.
“She’s asleep. But go on, ask again, I’m sure we’ll know who ya are the third time?” Sarsaparilla said over her shoulder before slamming down her cards with a loud clop. “Ha Ha! Knight me!” She declared, jumping out of her seat with a huge grin.
“Over here. In Equestria. We say. king. Me...and we’re playing go fish not checkers.” Plum Peach said very slowly as one would talk to a foal, a smirk creeping on the edge of her muzzle.
“Oh hush, ah knew that.” Sarsaparilla said, sitting down heavily in her chair with pink cheeks. All the while Avalon gave them a dumbfounded look.
“Come on! At least one of you must know me!” The pegasus whined, stamping his hoof against the floor.
“Oh yeah! I know you.” Plum said simply, more focused on her intense game of go fish.
“You do?”
“Uh-huh. Except-” The mare cocked her head to the side, “I thought you were pink with a blue mane...and a mare.” She said, looking Avalon up and down. The orange pegasus ground his teeth together, shooting a glare at Plum.
“No. I am not Firefly.” Avalon growled. He let out a sigh and looked down at the floor in defeat. The doors behind him swung open as a blue stallion walked in.
"Oh! I know her! She's that sexy mare-ma-jama that led the royal forces. Ah saw pictures of'er." Sarsaparilla said, nodding at Plum.
"Oh what I wouldn't give to be her. Stallions flaunting for you, royal maids, and she even gets to marry a royal stallion if she wants!" Plum gushed, looking into the forever distance behind Soft in fantasy. All the while Avalon stared at them, mouth open in amazement. How could none of them know him yet they knew Firefly.
“Who’s this fella?” Backsaw asked, pointing a hoof at Avalon as he came in through the swinging doors.
“That there, is the world famous Avalon Sky.” The sheriff said in mockery.
“You mean THE Avalon Sky!?” Backsaw yipped like a schoolgirl, going wide eyed at the pegasus.
“Yes! You know me!?” Avalon exclaimed, whipping around and looking at the stallion with happy hopeful eyes.
“Ha! Nope.” Backsaw said, his excitement vanishing as he trotted over to the table where Sarsaparilla and Plum were playing. Avalon deflated and grumbled something under his breath with frown.
“Boo hoo. Buy’a drink an’ relax flyboy.” Sarsaparilla said, pointing to the stocked bar.
“I don’t have any bits.” Avalon grumbled, slumping down into a chair. As soon as he did, it broke, sending him and all his food to the floor. The room was silent for several long moments until Plum burst out laughing. The sheriff followed suit soon after, slapping his knee with a hoof. Sarsaparilla Soft looked at the two with a raised eyebrow.
“What’s funny ‘bout that? Now ah gotta fix a chair!” She said, waving her leg at the mess of wood and orange fur beside the table. Plum kept on laughing.
“It’s not...the table.-” Plum grabbed Soft’s chin and made her look at the floor. “- our famous globetrotter carries a stuffed animal with him!” Plum exclaimed, pointing at a tiny stuffed toy sitting among the fruit and laughing. The pegasus in question grew red cheeked and hurriedly picked himself off the floor and rapidly began to put all his stuff back in his bag.
“Uh. Plum. That ain’t a stuffed animal, that’s a sex doll..” Soft said in a neutral tone. Plum and the Sheriff both stopped laughing in unison.
“Oh.”
Bloody Debauchery and Other Gentle Pastimes
Velvet Hedera and Moonstone Locket
Introducing Velvet Hedera and Moonstone Locket
A lone wolf howled in the close of day, it’s voice floating on the gentle wind of the night. With the sun gone the sand had cooled and the air turned crisp. In an hour or two it would actually grow cold but for now it was the perfect weather for any wary travelers who had endured the sauna that was midday. Two figures were silhouetted against the horizon, each coming from the opposite direction, one from the north and the other from the south. The wind faded when the two of them reached the edge of the town, allowing them to hear each other’s dragging hooves in the sand, the soft sound of the moving specs tickling their ears. Both silhouettes looked up from the ground and halted in their trudging. The one coming from the south waved first, the one from the north hesitated before returning the wave. As they got closer and closer to one another the moonlight revealed more features. They both shared a trail of hoof prints tailing behind them in the sand as well as a slouched and tired gait. The similarities ended there as the one from the north was a mare and the one from the south was a stallion.
The northern mare was a red earth pony. But her appearance fit that more of a unicorn. Her coat was glossy and shined gently under the moonlight like sequin. Her mane and tail were green and so were her eyes. She wore a large brown leather hat that had a flat bill on one side and curved upwards on the other side, a dark purple feather tied to it with clear silk that wouldn’t have been noticeable if the moonlight didn’t reflect off of it every now and again. Her right rear leg had a shorn hoof that was painted green while her other hooves were covered in red fur. She had dazzling black eyelashes that made her eyes pop. The green of her eyes were almost neon and clashed with her hair nicely, seeming to glow in the shadow that her large hat cast on her face. Over her was a dark brown leather cape that looked black in the night. Under her cape was a brown holster with two silver revolvers that shined in the night.
The southern stallion was a white unicorn. His mane and tail was a royal blue that buffeted with the breeze. His hat was slung on his side on top of a dark navy double barrel shotgun with a black encrusted barrel. The butt of the gun had a crescent moon engraved in it that wasn’t any more noticeable than a pimple on a fly. His hat was a simple black cowboy hat, one you could get almost anywhere in the south. Under the black holster that held his shotgun was a navy cloth trench coat that covered half of his cutiemark. Under his coat was an almost black navy vest with a pocket and thin white pinstripes. A white shirt was under the vest with a slightly loose collar. A red tie hung from said collar and was tucked under the vest. There was a pistol holster on his right foreleg with a perfectly shined silver and navy revolver that was a tad bit bigger than normal. Lastly, the hilt of a sword poked out from the left side of his coat, a red jewel crafted into the bevel. From what could be seen from his cutiemark it was a sword in its sheath. His eyes were blue as well and had bags under them from the long walk out here. Though he was tired, he didn’t look rough or unkempt and had the slight aura of a gentlecolt. His clothes, holsters, and sheath were all fitted and didn’t jangle or make much sound as he walked. He wore a stoic, unreadable expression.
The two strangers stopped in front of the saloon about ten feet apart from each other. The light from inside the building leaking out into the street. Silently, they both looked at each other and then to the saloon, their ears perking when voices erupted from within.
“Why in Equestria do you have a sex doll!? And why is it so small!?”
“I can assure you I don’t have a foal fetish!” Two voices came from inside the saloon, their shadows cast on the porch moving as they yelled.
The two strangers both raised a hoof, reeled back and tilted their heads in surprise and confusion. They both stole a glance at each other and relaxed a little bit. The stallion from the south walked over to the mare and gave her a warm smile, reaching his hoof out to her.
“Locket. Moonstone Locket.” He said in a friendly manner. The mare smiled and shook his hoof firmly.
“Velvet Hedera. Do you have any idea what’s going on in there?” The mare asked, her voice soft and gentle like a princess, her pronunciation was nearly perfect.
“Uh, no. No clue. Shall we find out?” Locket asked, nodding towards the swinging doors. He made note of the mare’s revolvers while she in return made note of his armament. Velvet nodded and trotted up to the door. Daintily she pushed the doors open and was met with a strange scene. A blue mare was staring owlishly at a purple mare and orange stallion playing tug-o-war with a stuffed animal, said stuffed animal had a large pink hole in it’s bum and a pink bow on it’s ear. A white mare was asleep in a chair, an older stallion had managed to fall asleep sitting up and a blue stallion was looking at a pile of playing cards a table. The tug-o-war stopped when Velvet walked into the room. Locket followed soon after standing beside the red mare with raised eyebrows.
“What a, um, fine establishment you all have here.” Velvet said awkwardly, glancing around the room in case of any more nonsense. It was then that Plum decided to let go of the sex doll, sending Avalon flying backwards into Velvet who in turn hit Locket who braced himself and caught Velvet.
“What’s this business about a sex doll?” Locket asked, pushing Velvet onto her hooves and brushing himself off. He trotted further into the room and stopped beside the bar.
“It’s just a stuffed animal!” Avalon exclaimed, shoving the doll quickly into his bag.
“Uh-huh. She’s reeeal stuffed.” Plum said, laughing. Avalon stuck his tongue out at her and rolled his eyes. Sarsaparilla shook her head to clear it then stood up out of her chair.
“Heh heh, excuse the foals, they’re just teasin. So can ah get ya somethin?” She asked, smiling at the newcomers. Locket’s face twisted in confusion at her.
“Are you from Trottingham?” He asked. Soft nodded, rolling her eyes. “How do you have both a Trottingham accent and a southern twang?” He asked in pure curiosity, raising a brow.
“Ah get that alot. Long story.” Soft said, waving dismissively. “So what brings ya here? You a couple?” Sarsaparilla Soft asked, trotting behind the bar counter. Locket and Velvet’s eyes shrank and they both shook their heads rapidly.
“No, no, no. We-” They both said in unison. “We just arrived in town at the same time.” Velvet finished.
Sarsaparilla, Plum, Backsaw and Avalon all smirked at this.
“You sure do finish each other’s sentences like a jen-you-wine couple.” Backsaw said from his table of cards.
“And talk in unison.” Plum added, going back to sit down. Locket and Velvet both grew flustered and if they weren’t already feet apart they probably would have moved.
“No. We’re just-”
“All I know is that if’in you two are mates, missy, you better be hiding a horn under that there hat of yours.” Backsaw cut Locket off, pointing at Velvet with a hoof. The red mare gave him a confused look while Locket’s expression turned more steel and stoic. The air in the room froze and everyone went quiet at the sudden statement. Locket leaned against the counter and raised both his front hooves.
“Wait, wait, wait. What’s so bad about a unicorn and an earth pony being a couple?” Locket asked, titling his head ever so slightly with furrowed brows. Plum looked over at Backseat, curious for his answer while Avalon and Sarsaparilla seemed indifferent.
“I did not never say that a unicorn and an earth pony couple was bad. I sa-” Locket cut Backsaw off.
“You’re right. You did ‘not never say’ it-” He said in mockery, “-but you implied it. I’m not stupid!” Locket fell back onto all fours with a stomp. Backsaw grew a cowpatty eating grin at this.
“Alrighty detective. Yeah! I don’t think unicorns should be mates with earth ponies. You all take our food, live easy lives with your magics, and lord over us like we’re inferior. You don’t deserve our mares!” Backsaw said, shrinking the distance between him and Locket.
“I don’t think that’s fair Backsaw. He hasn’t done anything.” Plum Peach said, putting her hoof on his shoulder.
“Yeah. And wait, we’re YOUR mares now? We don’t get a say in who we want to be with?” Velvet asked butting into the conversation.
“Of course not.” Both Backsaw and Avalon said in unison as if the answer was so simple it was blowin’ in the wind.
“WHAT!?” Everyone flinched when a loud scream filled the room. Everyone looked to the source of the scream to see the white sleeping beauty had awoken. Her hat wasn’t covering her face anymore and her eyes boiled with anger.
“What do you mean, ‘of course not’!?” She asked, glaring at Backsaw and Avalon. The two stallions were chastised, Avalon looking to Backsaw to answer her question.
“Well. Um. Mares are weaker and need to be taken care of. Beggars can’t be choosers and in return for protec...” Backsaw stopped talking when Lilia stormed towards him with heavy, slow steps. Avalon, Velvet, and Locket all scooted away from him as she neared. Swiftly, she pulled her whinnychester out with a single hoof and placed the end of the barrel on his muzzle.
“I look like I’m begging? You’re the one who’s gonna want protection in a sec, mister” Lilia said cooly, cocking her gun.
“Uh. Sheriff?” Backsaw asked, his voice cracking slightly. He looked over to see the older stallion still snoozing away. “Sheriff!” Backsaw yelled.
“Huh? I’m up.” The sheriff snapped awake, blinking rapidly as he took in the scene.
“Are you going to do something here?” Backsaw squawked, gesturing to the room. The sheriff squinted and then hopped up onto his hooves.
“Ma’am. You shoot him and I’ll be sure to make you a prime example to what happens to murders here.” He threatened, taking a step forward. Lilia glanced over at the older stallion before rolling her eyes and holstering her rifle. Backsaw and Plum Peach both gave a sigh of relief as Lilia went back to her chair. The blonde sat down in her chair and and put her rear legs back up. She gestured to the room, who all still had her very alert attention.
“Who are you all? I fall asleep for only a few hours and wake up in full room. I know who y’all are.” Lilia said, pointing to Sarsaparilla Soft, Backsaw, and Plum Peach. Her hoof moved over to Avalon and the newcomers. “Who is y'all?” She asked, giving him the stink eye.
“I-I’m Avalon Sky. Famous worldwide globetrotter.” He said, starting to strike a pose and then decided against it.
“Famous worldwide baby bucker you mean.” Plum said, snickering with a hoof over her mouth. Lilia ignored her and moved her hoof over to Velvet.
“I’m Velvet Hedera.” The red mare said, nodding to Lilia.
“I’m a sailor on leave.” Velvet said with shrug. Lilia nodded. For Locket, Lilia stood up and walked over to him only stopping when she was muzzle to muzzle with him. Casually she place her hoof on the hilt of his sword.
“And what do you do that would require so many weapons? Mister.” She asked, attempting to pull his blade out but was stopped by Locket.
“Locket. I hunt monsters.” He said, sliding his sword back into the sheath. “And you are?” He asked unphased. Lilia removed her hoof from and the sword and walked back to her chair, swaying her hips as she did so.
“I’m Lucky Lilia. I’ma mercenary, not’a bandit so I’d appreciate less suspicious looks.” She said, stopping beside her chair to give them each a look.
“You have to admit. Lucky Lilia is something you’d expect to see on a wanted poster.” The sheriff said with a shrug.
“Yeah, I know.” Lilia said, rolling her eyes. With a huff she sat down heavily in her chair. The crack of wood splitting sprung into the air as her chair broke and she crashed to the floor on her back.
“Anymore of ya want to break mah chairs?” Sarsaparilla asked sarcastically with the stamp of her hoof. The saloon fell silent aside from the groaning of Lilia on the floor.
...
Avalon was walking towards the door with an annoyed look on his face. His bag was tied closed with his stuffed animal shoved to the bottom of the bag. His wings were flapping slowly as they warmed up for flight.
“I’m leaving. I can’t sleep here. I’ll just fly somewhere with an actual inn.” He grumbled, looking back over his shoulder to see a saloon of ponies who couldn’t care less. Lilia was even waving goodbye with a grin before wincing and rubbing her tush in pain.
“Ahhh don’t think so son. Got word from canterlot that a huge sandstorm is coming through.” The sheriff said, polishing his revolver from his spot on the steps.
“What?” Avalon yelped, rushing out of the saloon. He vanished outside of the saloon for a minute before peeking back inside. “Guys. It’s huge!” Avalon exclaimed, vanishing outside once again. Curiosity getting the better of them, everyone made their way outside and stared to the north at the huge wall of sand headed towards them, Lilia sucking in air in pain while she walked. Locket squinted and focused in on the storm.
“I can fly over that old timer.” Avalon said with a dismissive hoof. He jumped and took off but came crashing back down when Locket grabbed his tail in his magic.
“Whoa now. Don’t break the surly bonds of equus just yet. That’s not a normal dust storm.” He said, pointing to the top of the dust cloud while the glow of his horn faded. “That’s a changeling dust storm, see the tiny black dots throughout it? It’s much bigger than it looks from this distance. They won’t let you just fly over them either....we’ve got about an hour before they get here.” Locket explained in dread. Everyone squinted to see the itty bitty black dots, the sheriff rubbing his eyes. They all gasped as they saw the black dots.
“Did you know? You’re a monster hunter!” Sarsaparilla asked, sending him a deadly glare. Locket returned the glare but relaxed soon after, raising a hoof in a 'stop' gestu
“I knew there was a changeling swarm in search of a new home but I didn’t think they’d be coming through here or anywhere close. I wouldn’t put myself in danger.” Locket said, rubbing his head in slight confusion. Plum pried her eyes away from the approaching storm to look at Locket with worry.
“Danger? What do you mean by danger?” She asked, glancing over her shoulder at the storm. Locket looked at her, chewing the inside of his cheek.
“...Nothing. If we just go inside and stay quiet, they’ll pass over us.” Locket said, turning and trotting back inside. They all shared a look, Backsaw spit on the ground, and Plum blanched at him for it.
“...Well, I don’t know about you all but I’m going to heed the warning of the only pony who hasn’t acted like a hissy filly tonight and bunker down.” Velvet Hedera said softly, turning and trotting back inside. Backsaw and Lilia sneered at the back of Velvet’s head. The sheriff and Sarsaparilla both shook their heads and walked back inside. Eventually Backsaw, Avalon, and Lilia moseyed back to the saloon leaving Plum Peach all by her lonesome outside. The cool night air buffeted her coat as she gazed out at the storm, her eyes glazed and unfocused. The moon tinted the sand a deep blue, turning the once hot sauna into calm ocean, contrasting the hulking mass of sand storming towards them. Plum sighted loudly and looked down at the ground with a tiny whimper of regret.
“Oh…….buck.”
Author's Note
Who's your favorite?
Bloody Debauchery and Other Gentle Pastimes
Lucky Lilia yawned loudly, putting her hoof up to her mouth. She smacked her lips a couple of times and rubbed the crud out of her eyes. She scanned the room and found every in the same spot they had fallen asleep in. Plum was curled up under the table with cards on it, a knit blanket wrapped tightly around her form, she snored softly with a whistle escaping her lips every now and again. Avalon was sprawled out on the floor behind the bar, the only sign of him being there was his tail sticking out. Backsaw was laying on his side next to the piano mumbling incoherent words in his sleep. Locket was leaning against the stairwell door in a sitting position with his hat covering his eyes. Velvet was asleep on top of one of the clear tables in a sphinx position with her head resting on her hooves and a content smile on her muzzle. The sheriff had gone to sleep at the police station, saying something about how the prison cots were more comfortable than the floor. Lastly, Sarsaparilla had retired to her own bed upstairs before the storm hit.
Sunlight shined in through the windows illuminating the saloon in brilliant yellow light. They had all slept in a little. There was a dust pile beside the entrance and other than that the saloon was unharmed, the changelings must have just flown over them Lilia guessed. She pulled herself off the floor and stretched, throwing her butt into air with a soft grunt before rocking forward and stretching her forelegs. She looked around cautiously to see if anyone had peeked her little show but nopony had moved from their positions. She was a little disappointed at the lack of peeping toms and let of an annoyed ‘hmph.’ She adjusted her hat and took a step toward her cape and gun before being stopped in her tracks when a sharp pain shot up her back leg.
“Yee-ow!” Lilia yowled, throwing her head up in pain and stiffened, pinching her eyes shut. When the pain didn’t ebb away she dropped her head and whimpered, twining her forelegs. She looked around the room desperately for someone to help her. She looked at Backsaw, Plum, Velvet, and Avalon to no avail, none of them had even moved when she screamed. With him being her last hope Lilia looked over to Locket to luckily see his blue eyes looking right back at her.
“Mister. Come help...please.” Lilia begged, pinching her eyes shut when pain shot through her body again. Locket got to his hooves and walked over to Lilia, furrowing his brows in confusion.
“What’s going on?” He asked drowsily, blinking his eyes.
“My rear leg hurts! Mister.” Lilia said, looking back at her rump with large pupils, her veins bright red. Locket followed her gaze and trotted around to her rear.
“Oh, here’s the problem.” He said in surprise. “Raise your hind legs.” He instructed, reaching toward the hock of her leg. Lilia did as told and straightened her legs.
“Now, what’s the prob-ah!” She was cut off when Locket leaned forward and pulled a woodchip out of her leg. “Ahhh! Oh that feels so much better.” Lilia said, lowering her rump.
“Oh you like that?” She asked with a giggle, wiggling her butt. Her tail swished over Locket’s nose and knocked him out of his trance. He blinked in shock as he realized what he had done.
“I’m so sor-” Locket tried to apologize and took a step back but Lilia took a step back as well.
“No. Don’t run mister.” Lilia said, giggling and shaking her rump. Locket took another step back and Lilia pursued him, shoving herself onto his muzzle. “You like that? You like it?” She teased, rubbing herself on Locket’s muzzle with a gleeful giggle. She bit her lip and shoved herself backwards, knocking Locket onto his butt. Lilia looked under her legs and grinned at him sitting there. He had a shocked expression with confusion swirling in his eyes.
“That’s a cute look on you mister.” Lilia said, still giggling.
“Wait. You like getting woodchips pulled out?” Locket asked, looking around in bewilderment. No one else had moved and the only thing that hadn’t changed was that Plum stopped whistling in her sleep.
“I like when you do it. The pain feels good.” Lilia said, her eyes flashing with thrill. Locket smiled and pulled another chip out of her rump. Lilia yelped and sat down in his lap with lidded eyes.
“Anymore?” She asked, hoping there were. She deflated a little when Locket shook his head. With a satisfied grin, she leaned back on him and put her head next to his and closed her eyes. He looked at her with eyes bigger than the moon.
“I could have swore you’d shoot me. I thought you hated stallions.” He said in amazement.
“I do. But you’re a mustang. I like mustangs.” Lilia said without opening her eyes.
“Ain’t they the same thing?” A familiar trottingham voice said from the steps. Lilia and Locket froze, whipping around to see Sarsaparilla looking at them from the top of the steps. She had an amused smirk on her muzzle and was no longer wearing her yellow dress. She laughed at their reaction and started her way down the stairs.
“You two have a nice morning? Makes sense the merc like pain.” She asked rhetorically. Lilia and Locket jumped to their hooves and backed away from each other in a flash, both of them with a pink hue on their cheeks. Locket rubbed his hooves while Lilia refused to make eye contact. Sarsaparilla laughed even louder.
“Secret’s safe with me loverboy.” She said, looking around the room at the other sleeping ponies. Silence fell upon the room while Locket and Lilia stole glances at each other like two school foals. Sarsaparilla rolled her eyes and walked over to the door imbedded in the side of the staircase. She opened it and vanished into the cellar, leaving the two alone once again.
…
Everyone else woke up about a half hour later. Lilia and Locket were chatting at the bar counter while yawns erupted throughout the saloon. Velvet was stretching and rubbing her eyes when her mouth dropped open in a gasp and stayed open.
“Oh my celestia. I guess they didn’t just pass over us.” She said barely louder than a whisper. Her eyes were locked on the window, her hooves trembling slightly. Locket looked back at her with a twisted expression.
“What do you mean?” He asked, walking over to her and following her gaze out the window. It looked perfectly fine until you looked past the city limits. A few hundred yards away was a huge wall of dust. A glance out a different window would confirm that the wall extended all the way around the town.
“What the...” Locket faded off, rushing out the swinging door and skidding to a stop in the sand, tossing some into the air. He spun in a circle twice as he looked around at the wall of dust surrounding the town. Velvet and Lilia both ran out and stopped beside him.
“What’s that mean?” Velvet asked, pointing at the dust wall. Locket looked over at her, thought, and then shrugged.
“I...I don’t know. Changelings are attracted large bodies of emotion, there’s no reason for them to stop here. None at all. No smart or dumb queen would park their hive here out in the open for what, eight ponies? Not when the two sisters are hunting for them.” Locket said, stomping his hoof in frustration. Velvet looked at him with dread until he got to his last sentece.
“The two sisters? They’re hunting changelings, as in, royal guards will come?” She asked, a sparkle of hope glimmering in her eye.
“Yeah, but it’ll be more than a week before any get here, and that’s IF a scout sees this and he probably won’t because this makes no sense.” Locket said, rubbing the back of his head. Velvet looked away in thought, her spark of hope extinguished.
“What if this really is the stupidest queen ever?” Lilia suggested with a shrug.
“A changeling queen is never stupid. It’s an occupational prerequisite to be smart.” Locket said, still thinking of any reason they’d be surrounded, Velvet nodded but Lilia furrowed her brows, the words he used outside of her vocabulary. Yet again, he came up blank.
“They can’t be tired, can’t be feeding, there’s no love here at all. Heck, there’s no sadness either. Those are the two main emotions hives feed off of, hives haven’t fed off anything else for decades!” Locket ranted to himself. He literally pulled from his thoughts when Velvet tugged on him.
“Yeah, Lock, that’s great and all but umm...they’re coming.” Velvet said, pointing out towards the group of black pony-like silhouettes walking towards them. Locket, Velvet, and Lilia shared a look of fear before running back to saloon, kicking up sand in their wakes. They stormed through the swinging doors and ran right into Sarsaparilla.
"What's wrong with y'all! Come in'er like y'all's tails on fire!" Sarsaparilla growled angrily, dusting herself off and standing up with an expectant look on her face. "Gone spit it out!"
"Changelings!" All three of them yelled in unison.
"Changelings?" Avalon asked, his pupils shrinking to pin pricks.
"Yes, changelings! Headed this way! Right. Now." Lilia exclaimed, running over to her rifle and slipping into her holster. This spurred everyone into action. Velvet reached down and checked to make sure her revolvers were filled. Sarsaparilla rushed up the stairs and came back down with her shotgun slung over her back. Locket opened his shotgun and made sure it was loaded. Plum and Avalon just looked around at the ponies with guns, kneading the ground and looking around awkwardly.
"Oh great. I forgot you two don't have any guns." Sarsaparilla groaned, looking at Plum and Avalon in annoyance.
"Well sorry. I always thought I could just, ya know, fly away." Avalon defended with the shrug of his wings.
"And I never knew how to shoot." Plum said in her own defense.
"Ah don't care why!... Plum, here!" Sarsaparilla said, tossing her shotgun over to Plum. She managed to catch it and hastily slung it over her shoulder.
"Sarsaparilla. Can you shoot a pistol?" Locket asked, pulling his revolver from it's holster on his leg.
"Ha. Can a tumbleweed fly?" She said confidently. Her statement drew confused looks from everyone in the room. Locket searched her body language for a hint at whatever she said meant.
"I-I-I don't know. Can it?" He asked, showing her pistol. Sarsaparilla rolled her eyes and took the pistol from him.
"Yes. a tumbleweed can fly." She said, spinning the ammo cartridge, her ear flicking at the satisfying spinning sound it gave out.
"Wait! I don't have a gun! Why does plum and Sarsaparilla get a gun?" Avalon whined, pointing to Plum who in particular was struggling to pump the shotgun.
"Is it cause she's a mare?" Velvet challenged, giving Avalon a cold stare.
"N-no. I just-" Avalon stopped talking when Velvet shoved a revolver his way.
"Quit your whining! And don't you dare waste my shots, they're expensive." She said, holding her stare for a few more seconds before turning away and looking to everyone in the room.
"O-kay! Is a gun in everyone's possession?" Backsaw asked, looking around the room. Locket, Velvet, Sarsaparilla, and Avalon all nodded, but Plum cocked her head and raised her hoof in a 'why' gesture.
"You do know that just because you word something differently doesn't make you sound smart right?" She asked in deadpan.
"Shut-up!" Backsaw yelled back at her.
"Both of you shut-up! Now let's go!" Lilia screamed angrily, rushing out the doors of the saloon. Everyone exchanged a look of surprise before running out after her. Sand flew into the air as all seven of them came to a grinding halt in the sand. The changelings that were once hundreds of yards away were now stepping onto the sandy avenue of the town. At first they were looking around curiously, one of them poking the other and pointing at the inn before noticing the group of ponies now had guns. It was a perfect seven on seven battle. Lilia and Locket both threw themselves onto the ground , using it as a rest for their guns. Plum looked down at them and jumped in realization. Quickly, she threw herself into the sand and pointed the barrel of her shotgun towards the black creatures, moving around to get comfortable in her prone position . Avalon started to do the same but was pulled back up by Backsaw.
"Pistols, stay on their hooves." Backsaw instructed, pulling the hammer of his pistol back with is mouth. Avalon, Velvet, and Sarsaparilla all copied him and pointed their guns downrange at the changelings. Said changelings were all in ready position, primed to charge at them.
"Listen up! We don't want to spill any blood today! Turn around right now and no one will get hurt!" Locket called out to the creatures. There was a long silence between the two of them that dragged on for what felt like an eternity. Just before the silence became unbearable, one changeling yelled a single order and they all charged towards them, fangs bared. Sand kicked up behind them as the stormed towards the band of ponies but none of them fired. Plum looked over at Lilia nervously, but the white mare just looked down the sights of her gun. Avalon, Velvet, and Plum all grew more nervous as time dragged on, waiting for the other four to fire. The changelings sprinted closer and closer yet not a single bullet flew.
"L-lilia? You know what you're doing, r-right?" Plum asked the mare beside her, her eyes consumed with fear. Lilia smirked, but didn't look away from her gun.
"Oh please. This, is what I do." She said, her words absolutely dripping with confidence. Plum nodded shakily and looked back down her sights. Time slowed and her eyes dilated and she prepared to pull the trigger. The changelings feet thrummed against the ground like a violent drum beat as the distance between them shrunk faster and faster. First fifty feet, then thirty, then forty, then thirty. Plum's heart banged in her chest until finally Lilia screamed,
"NOW!"
Bloody Debauchery and Other Gentle Pastimes
NOW!” Lilia screamed. A changeling lunged at Plum with outstretched hooves. Plum and it locked eyes for a second, her pupils were small and scared whilst it lacked any pupil at all but it was clear in that one second that it wanted to kill plum. It wanted to do everything bad imaginable to her, or at least that’s what she thought as she pulled back the trigger on her shotgun. Several balls of lead came flying out the end of the barrel with fire trailing behind like some sort of twisted meteor shower, a beautiful sight to see if it wasn’t heading towards you. The butt of the gun slammed back into Plum’s shoulder, making her yelp in pain. But it’s what she saw afterwards that made it worth it. The changeling she shot at was frozen in time as Plum took in every last detail of her first kill. The changeling’s mouth was wide open in a silent scream of pain, spit flying out of it’s maw with a few drops of blood and a fang ‘leaving the nest’ as well. It’s eyes, once scowling were now wide in a mix of both shock and confusion as if it hadn’t yet processed exactly what was going on and why it was in pain. The power of the shot had stopped all the forward momentum in it’s torso while his legs and wings were flung forward, the combination of it’s expression and it’s pose making it looks as though it was asking for help. It’s hard outer shell was broken on it’s chest, dozens of tiny small fragments of it’s skin were tossed into the air like victory confetti. Dark, vomit green blood was ejected into the air, splattering onto Plum’s face. The mare stuttered while she gasped when the blood hit her, her eyes defocusing. She shook her head to re-focus herself and just like that time returned to it’s normal speed and Plum was thrown back into the chaotic firefight just as her changeling slammed onto the ground with a thump. The sound of gun shots were deafening as Plum struggled to cock the shotgun. She looked down to see if it jammed and when she looked back up, another changeling was no less than a foot away from her, maybe trying to avenge it’s friend. She let out a shrill ‘eek’ and looked away expecting to feel fangs digging into her neck but the sensation took longer to come than she thought and when she looked back all she saw was that sam vomit green blood blocking her vision as more of it crashed against her face, some of it getting in her mouth. Plum recoiled at this, pinching her eyes closed and covered them with her hooves as she began to sob. It was loud, it was scary, it was fast paced, and it was something Plum didn’t want to be in anymore. She curled up with her ear pinned against her head and waited for it all to be over. She didn’t know how many more bullets flew but she shivered in relief when the last one did. She hadn’t realized how loud she was crying until the loud bangs of gun ceased, leaving her crying voice to echo through the town. She peeked one eyes open to see the last changeling come to a hoof burning, horseshoe grinding stop right in front of Lilia before turned and hauling tail away with fear in it’s eyes. Lilia aimed down her sights and just before her hoof clenched down on the trigger, Locket’s horn glowed blue and moved the barrel of her whinnychester down a centimeter. A bullet exploded out the end of the rifle and flew perfectly straight on some invisible string right the changeling’s ass. It let out a whine of pain and tumbled into the sand. At first it just lied there but when it looked back at the group of ponies all still pointing guns at it, it started crawling, pulling itself across the desert floor toward the dust wall. Towards safety.
“Wow! You’re good.” Locket commented to Lilia with an impressed look. She looked back at him in utter annoyance that melted into minor frustration.
“You messed up my shot.” Lilia complained, half playfully hitting him.
“I want to talk to that one.” Locket said, pushing up into a sitting position.
“So you made me shoot it in the butt?” Lilia asked humorously.
“I thought you were aiming for it’s butt in the first place, I wanted you to shoot it’s leg.” Locket said with a quick snort.
“Nope, I was aiming for the head mister.” Lilia said, standing and sitting down beside Locket.
“Well you would have got it too. That bullet didn’t move an inch, beautiful shot... and you don’t shoot worse than you look.” Locket said, giving Lilia a wink. Avalon and Velvet looked at the two of them and exchanged confused looks.
“When did you two get so chummy?” Avalon asked with a suspicious look. Lilia and Locket both hopped to their hooves and stepped away from each other. Avalon nodded as his suspicion was confirmed he gave Locket a hard look then pointed behind them.
“Your catch is getting away.” Avalon said indifferently. Locket looked behind himself and cursed under his breath, taking off after the changeling who had made some considerable progress. Avalon glared after Locket, staring daggers into the back of his head. He was taken out of his glaring when Velvet’s hoof touched his shoulder.
“It’s probably something between ponies who shoot a lot. What’s your problem?” She asked carefully with a curious look.
“That stallion. He’s hiding something.” Avalon grumbled.
“What makes you say that?” Velvet cocked her head.
“Because he hides simple things. I could care less if he and the merc rutted each other’s brains out last night. What I care is the fact that both of them hid it like two foals in a cookie jar. If they hide that, imagine what else they’re hiding.” Avalon said, watching as Locket levitated the changeling onto his back. It must have been tired because it didn’t even put up a struggle, just lied there.
“Oh ho ho. Look at you. And here I thought you were just a dumb filly fondler. Are you a psychiatrist?” Velvet asked, giving Avalon an impressed glance.
“No, it’s ju-” Avalon stopped when a sound hit his ears, making them twitch. He looked down and saw Plum sobbing quietly on the ground. “Oh buck, Plum are you okay?” He and Velvet asked, kneeling down to the purple mare. She didn’t say anything and just kept on sobbing. Avalon looked over at Velvet with worried eyes.
“Every pony i’ve met who hides little things has an ursa major skeleton in their closet.” Avalon said, finishing his statement.
“How big do you think his skeleton is?” Velvet asked.
“Big enough that he won’t be able to hide it very long.” Avalon said, spitting in the sand. Velvet recoiled with a raised hoof at that.
“That’s disgusting.” She said, staring at the glob of spit on the ground, her face twisted in disgust.
…
Locket trotted back into town with the changeling lying on his back asleep. Without a word to anypony else, he sat the changeling down on the porch of the saloon and used the string from his hat to tie it to one of the post, looping the string through the holes in it’s legs before tying two tight knots. With a satisfied nod he stepped back. The changeling’s forelegs were tied behind it’s back and while it was an uncomfortable position, it wouldn’t hurt it.
“Locket. Come here.” Avalon called out from inside the saloon.
“Yes? What’s-oh.” Locket said, walking through the swinging doors. Just to the left of the doorway, Plum was slumped against the wall with tear trails staining her fur. Her eyes were red and puffy. Her lip quivered and she choked out a sob every now and then.
“Locket. Plum’s scared.” Avalon whispered. He was sitting beside her running his hoof through her mane. Locket slowly walked over to the and sat down beside Avalon.
“Plum. It’s alright.” Locket cooed, trying to comfort the mare.
“See! I done told you all. Mares need to be protected by sta-”
“SHUT-UP! We don’t need your ignorant hillbilly gospel right now!” Avalon yelled as Backsaw started to rant. If he wasn’t rubbing Plum he probably would have thrown something at the stallion. Lilia and Sarsaparilla yelled something along the same line as well. Backsaw sneered at everyone and went back to his spot beside the piano. Plum tensed up at the yelling and shivered.
“Hey now. It’s alright.” Avalon cooed soothingly to Plum, stilling running his hoof through her mane.
“T-t-then promise.” She croaked out, looking up at Avalon with teary eyes.
“What?” Avalon asked softly, smiling down at her
“Pr-promise you’ll protect me.” Plum said, looking at Avalon with hope and worry in her eyes. Avalon looked down at her and smiled warmly.
“Plum. Me AND Locket promise that no force on Equus will hurt you while we’re still breathing.” Avalon said confidently. Plum’s eyes sparkled, she looked at Avalon and then Locket and smiled her eyes giving him a ‘really?’ look. Locket nodded ‘yes’ and so did Avalon. Plum wiped a tear from her cheek and crawled over them so that her head was in between Locket’s forelegs and back legs while her rear was in between Avalon’s forelegs and back legs, the two stallions making a little cave for her to rest in. Avalon and Locket exchanged a pleasantly surprised glance and rubbed Plum’s back.
“The proper way to say that would Locket and I.” Plum corrected them softly, smiling with her eyes closed. Ever so slowly her breathing steadied and slowed until she had fallen asleep, a sweet whistle ringing the air with every exhale.
…
Locket was asleep against the wall with Avalon slowly dozing off with Plum still under the both of them. Just as Avalon had drifted off to sleep he was jabbed in the muzzle by a hoof. Locket got the same treatment and the two blinked awake. Lilia, Velvet, Sarsaparilla, and Backsaw were all standing in front of them. Locket yawned and rubbed his eyes.
“What’s going on?” He asked, lowering his voice to a whisper when he felt somepony shift beneath him.
“That changeling you tied up?” Sarsaparilla said, hinting at something.
“Yeah, what about’er.” Locket slurred his words as he yawned again.
“...it’s awake.” Sarsaparilla said neutrally.
Locket’s drowsiness vanished, his brows shooting up. He thought for a moment then smirked.
“Oh……..you wouldn’t happen to have some potato chips, would you?”
Bloody Debauchery and Other Gentle Pastimes
“Why in the world do you need potato chips?” Sarsaparilla asked as she dragged a huge sack through the swinging doors of her saloon. She gave one final grunt and dropped the bag on the porch.
“Why in the world do you have an industrial sized sack of chips?” Locket counter-asked, looking down at the bag which had “Potato chips. Not for individual sale.” printed on it in brown lettering.
“I was gonna sell’em in tiny little bags an make ah killing.” Sarsaparilla said, tearing the top of the bag open. There were at least 500 chips in it, most of them surprisingly intact.`
“Ooo a risk taker. So what did you need potato chips for exactly?” Velvet asked, turning to look at Locket.
“I need them so that I can get answers out of that changeling.” Locket said, levitating a bunch of chips out of the bag in a blue aura.
“I say we cut his cock off and feed it to him.” Backsaw added in his opinion with a mischievous hint to his voice. All the while he was glaring at the changeling who in turn flinched back with a grossed out grimace.
“Backsaw my friend, that is an outstanding idea were it not for that fact that, she , is a girl.” Locket said, coming to stop in front of the black bug pony. She sat up straight and gave him a firm, confident look.
“Does she got an oval-positioner?” Backsaw asked, looking at the changeling in disappointment. His word choice made Velvet flinch in repulsion and got a few chuckles out of Locket.
“Ah-a a what? Ha! You mean an ovipositor? No, she’s got a vagina.” Locket said humorously, looking over at Backsaw with a bewildered grin. He shook his head and laughed a few more times before levitating a chip over to the changeling’s mouth.
“Hey! I’m not a changeling expert okay? And what, you’re just gonna feed it?” Backsaw complained, throwing a leg up at Locket and letting it fall back down limply. Locket simply continued to push the chip at the changeling who was now looking at him suspiciously.
“Come on. Eat the chip. It’s not going to hurt you.” Locket cooed, giving the changeling a gentle, unintimidating look. She looked at the chip, looked to him, and then back to the chip before biting into it. Immediately she let out a satisfied ‘mmm’, closing her eyes and chewing. Locket levitated another chip to her and she graciously accepted it, a soft crunching sound escaping her lips. Locket continued to feed her chips but turned around and faced the others.
“That you are not, so could you leave the changeling to me?” He asked Backsaw specifically, the changeling continuing to eat behind him.
“Does she at least have like antennae or two tongues?” Backsaw persisted, looking for anything sticking out on the changeling.
“No.” Locket deadpanned, turning back to the bug pony. She hadn’t stopped eating the chips and he had to levitate more out of the bag to satiate her.
“Well if we’re not cutting anything off then how are the chips going to help you get information out of her!?” Backsaw complained, kicking the sand in frustration.
“Like I said, i’m using them to help." Locket said, changing his attention to the changeling. "Now. You, tell me why your swarm is here?” Locket demanded, holding a chip just in front of the changeling. She began to buzz at him before giving him a sad look and looking down at herself.
“Ohh. Can’t speak Equestrian huh?” Locket asked, pursing his lips. She nodded. He sighed and slowly turned around.
“I thought changelings feed off of love mister. Why’s she eating chips?” Lilia asked, reaching into the bag and eating a hoof-full of chips herself.
“Changelings can only get nourishment from love but they can enjoy other foods. Spices like salts, sugar, and garlic are especially their favorites since it tickles their taste buds and marshmallows are for some reason really really calming to them. The effect is almost like cannabis…. uh weed.” Locket explained, giving the bug pony another chip.
“Ah, I get it. You were trying to make her feel comfortable?” Velvet asked, looking slightly impressed.
“Heh. Yea-no.” Locket said, placing a chip on the changeling’s tongue. Before she could chomp down onto it he whipped around and punched her right in the cheek, the changeling letting out a loud buzz and a resounding ‘crunch’ reported as he hit her. Velvet gasped, her jaw falling to the floor.
“I did it because when ponies have chips in their mouth they make a crunch sound every time I punch them.” Locket said innocently, shaking his hoof out from the impact. The changeling’s eyes shivered at how hard she had them pinched closed, recoiling from the hit.
“Now, I know you can talk so talk!” Locket yelled, shoving another chip into her mouth. A second later, another resounding crunch. Lilia giggled at this one.
“So ya just wanted my chips to make a crunch sound!? Oh c’mon!” Sarsaparilla whined, stomping her hoof on the porch. Locket continued to put chips into the changelings mouth and punching her. Lilia continued to giggle every time the 'crunch' sounded. Crunch, giggle, crunch, giggle.
“It’s fun. Wanna try?” He asked, gesturing for Soft to step forward.
“Well o’course I wanna try! Why didn’tcha ask earlier?” She said, grabbing a chip and punching the changeling right in the eye. She withdrew her hoof, shook it a bit and then put the chip into the changeling’s mouth.
“You know you’re supposed to put the chip in first, right?” Locket asked with a smirk. He looked back at the changeling, her eye already swelling up like a tomato.
“Lady, you wanna talk now?” Locket asked, looking at the changeling’s bad eye. All he got in response was some desperate buzzing. Locket shrugged and put another chip into her mouth.
“Wait!” Lilia called out, stopping Locket just before he punched the bug again. Everyone turned and looked at her with mixed expressions. The changeling took advantage of her reprieve from getting punched and quickly chewed the chip, swallowing with a loud gulp.
“I’ll get her to talk.” Lilia said, narrowing her eyes on the changeling mischievously. The bug pony drew back at her glare, trying to push herself through the post she was tied to. Lucky Lilia reached into the bag and grabbed a chip and started to trot toward the changeling, all the while the bug was shaking her head ‘no’ for dear life. With a grin, Lilia pushed the chip into her mouth and drew a hoof back.
“Okay I’ll tal-” The changeling yelled but was cut off when Lilia’s hoof landed smack dab on her jaw, forcing the chip in her mouth out onto the sand in a mix of salted potato peelings and blood. The changeling reeled from the punch, her head lolling back and forth dizzily. The birds flying around her head were almost visible at how much she lolled.
“I-I said I’d talk.” The changeling sniffled pitifully, not really sure where she was at the moment.
“Aww. Sorry ‘bout that, I was in the zone. Oops.” Lilia apologized with a shit-eating grin and a shrug.
“Lady, lady! Snap out of it! Why is your swarm here?” Locket asked, patting the changeling on the head a few times making he reel back in pain.
“We... We are migrating. Your town was here so we changed course in hopes of some food.” The changeling whimpered out, looking down at the floor.
“Yeah, but you didn’t expect your food to all have guns now did’cha?” Backsaw teased.
“Ignore him. So, what swarm are you? Persephone, Fillica, what?” Locket asked, sitting down in front of the changeling.
“I can’t tell you that. You’ll have to kill me.” The changeling said defiantly, looking away from Locket.
“I bet. Looks like we will have to kill you.” Locket replied without missing a beat. His horn glowed and he pulled his shotgun up to the changeling’s head, pressing the barrel into her ear.
“You sure you don’t want talk?” Velvet asked the changeling, already raising her hoof to block her eyes from the sight. The changeling remained defiant, closing her eyes and lifting her nose up.
“Well mad’am I do respect your loyalty. Tell your maker I said hi.” Locket said, taking his hat off his head and holding it on his chest.
“3...2…”
“Wait! Okay! I’ll talk....……..can I have some more chips?” The changeling yelped frantically, her calm demeanor vanishing to be replaced with fear and desperation.
“Are you sure? I can still pull on this thing here.” Locket asked, looking at the trigger of his gun quizzically.
“Yes, yes I’m sure!” The changeling cried, nodding her head rapidly.
“I read a book once that said most ponies don’t really know what they want. You might want to die?” Locket continued in a professional tone, one you’d expect to hear from a scholar.
“Yes!” The changeling screamed, trying to wriggle the gun barrel out of her ear.
“Oh? So you do want to die? Well it’s not like a gentlecolt to keep a mare wai-”
“No! Please! I swear to Gwynneth I don’t! Want! To die!” The changeling yelled, staring at Locket in a mix of fear and anger. His ears as well as Velvet’s ears perked up at that.
“Gwynneth? So you’re from the western coast? You’re a looong way from home lady.” Locket said with raised brows, making an ‘O’ shape with his mouth.
“Yes, yes I am can you please take the gun out of my ear?” The changeling pleaded, her voice trembling slightly.
“Sure.” Locket answered, slinging his shotgun onto his side once again. He put his hat back on and gave the changeling another chip. She accepted it, though she wasn’t as open about her enjoyment of the snack anymore.
“So...where exactly are you from? Gwynneth is a western saying, that is a lot of regions.” Velvet stepped up to changeling, taking over the chip feeding. She had a curious glint in her eye.
“I’m not telling you. I told him what he wanted.” The changeling retorted sourly.
“Oh you won’t?...okay.” Velvet said, nodding her head contemptibly. She took a step away from the changeling before turning and sending her hoof crashing into the bug pony’s mouth, an audible crack sounding while Velvet growled.
“We’re from an island….sorry.” The changeling croaked out, green blood beginning to drip from her nose. Velvet nodded her head at the changeling in a 'you better be sorry' way.
“Hold up...I’m confused? So we’re not going to shoot her?” Avalon broke in, cocking his head with a raised brow. Lilia, Locket, Sarsaparilla, and Backsaw all looked at him and shook their head.
“No. We’re not.” Locket confirmed.
“Aww damnit!” Avalon whined, kicking the dirt like a filly having a fit. Backsaw snorted, facehoofing.
“Colt you’re a few udders short from being a cow, you know that?” He said to Avalon from behind his hoof.
“Yeah but at least I don’t fuck them.” Avalon spat back.
“Oh yeah, like I haven’t not heard that one.” Backsaw rolled his eyes. Velvet grimaced at the stallion's choice of words yet again.
“Both of you shut up!” Velvet yelled, glaring at the two bickering stallions. “What does a few udders short of a cow even mean!? And what was the “not” for after haven’t!? It’s like you don’t even listen to yourselves….I’m going back inside.” Velvet ranted angrily before huffing and storming back into the saloon. Everyone fell silent, watching as the red mare went back inside.
“Heh…..mares, a’mright?” Backsaw said, awkwardly rubbing his neck. Mumbles of disagreement arose from the others as they all adopted their own awkward stances and glances.
“Most of us are mares you numbskull.” Lilia said, smacking him on the back of the head as she walked back into the saloon. Sarsaparilla followed after her, clicking her tongue once. Backsaw looked around at Locket, Avalon, and the changeling in confusion. Slowly a look of realization grew on his face and he started to count out loud how many ponies of each gender there were, using his hoof to keep track. After two complete minutes, with both Locket, Avalon, and the bug pony staring at him it finally dawned on the pony.
“W-wai-Hey! There’s the same amount of stallions and mares!” He cried out, stomping his hoof frustratedly. Locket and Avalon both busted out laughing, Avalon even pointing at Backsaw.
“You’re a real thoroughbred. A true mathematical genius.” Avalon joked, still laughing. Backsaw just looked at them blankly, not sure what it was he did was that funny. Avalon and Locket turned and trotted back into the saloon, both of them cracking up with laughs. Backsaw watched them go with a blank expression, turning to changeling quizzically.
“What’d I say?” He asked her. She just shook her head in disappointment.
“Oh hush.” He said, waving her off with a hoof. Backsaw took a step towards the saloon before seeing a small plume of sand in the distance. While the changelings still had a wall of sand surrounding the town there was a tiny carriage roaring across the desert headed right towards them. Nothing could be made out from the carriage other than that it was packed to the brim with suitcases, some even hanging off the side.
“What in tarnation?” Backsaw whispered to himself, squinting at the carriage. It continued to roll towards the town at a lightning fast pace, one could mistake it for a small train car if they were far enough. As the carriage neared closer, a small sign on the front of it grew legible. The sign read, ‘Canterlot Royal Stagecoach’
Bloody Debauchery and Other Gentle Pastimes
`Our story unfolds during a somewhat...uncivilized, time in Equestrian history. It has been only thirty-one years since the two princesses began their reign of the infant nation. Race relations are poorer than a beggar and with the new idea of gender equality gingerly poking at the backs of everypony’s minds, it is an understatement to say that the southern reaches of Equestria have been having some, how do you say, scuffles among the population. With the new invention of the semi automatic gun now being mass produced and sold in every corner of Equestria, the job of law keeping has recently lost its gleam and these scuffles quickly turn into battlefields. Hate is the newly elected top emotion among ponies with a unanimous vote of every single pony that still has a hoof to stand on and a heart to beat.
Now, the stage has been set and the pieces are in place. It is time to meet the players of this little ol’ tale of ours.
Author's Note
Like or dislike, but please tell me what you did or didn't like. It is greatly appreciated.
