Chapters Author's Note
I'm genuinely enjoying writing this. I hope you all enjoy reading it.
Thanks to JackRipper and TaiTai for helping me edit this and become better at writing. Enough to let me make people laugh.https://www.fimfiction.net/user/228853/JackRipper
TaiTai https://www.fimfiction.net/user/295593/Taitai
A Human called Anon
Anon turned around and locked his apartment door. Tired from a day of grueling menial labor working at a grocery store, he walked over to the end table that made up his television stand and sits down on a beanbag chair. What a day it’s been.
Anon sighed as he questioned his purpose. “Why do I even fucking bother doing this anymore? I’ve been working at the same dead end job for twelve years and life is just as much bullshit as it was when I lived with my parents.” He should have finished high school and went on to work construction like his dad suggested, but NOPE. He fucked out of there like the school was a spider the size of a truck, with wings and had the ability to breathe fire. Fucking idiot.
“Hey dick-for-brains, you know I can hear you calling me that, right?” Anon barked at a non-existent voice.
Hey, quit breaking the fourth wall. This is my story and I’ll say whatever I damn well want to.
Anon rolled his eyes and stuck up a middle finger behind his head. “No. You could at least not show me to be some fucking loser wagecuck.”
Again, it’s MY story. Technically it’s yours, since I’m the one writing it about you, but that’s none of your concern. Just relax and watch some T.V or something, I don’t know.
Anon does exactly that and kicks his shoes off. He turns on the magic show box and flips through T.V. channels, browsing to find something interesting. Aside from the occasional news report of criminals, weather disasters, and war-torn areas in the Middle East that the USA starts over oil, nothing entertained this fairly average man. He throws his head back and stares at the white ceiling above, watching the ceiling fan spin. It’s actually quite relaxing to watch it spin and could probably put him to sleep. That is, if he wasn’t so fucking hungry. A low rumble formed in the pit that made up his stomach, crying out for the sweet relief that only tendies could satisfy.
“Tendies? What am I, some fourty year old 4chan user who lives in a basement?” Anon asked, cringing at the stupidity and feeling insulted.
No, you’re a thirty-one year old virgin who lives in a shitty-ass apartment.
He tries to refute the claim, but simply lays back into his seat irritated. Can’t argue with blunt truth to the face. It hurts more than the gnaw of the tiger that is his belly.
“Fuuuuuuck I’m hungry. I haven’t eaten at all today. But if I eat now, then I’ll be that much food shorter to running out before I get paid.” Anon debated whether starving for the day was better than starving at the end of the week. Maybe if his life consisted of actual labor, then he wouldn’t need to struggle to make ends meet.
“Damn, he’s right. Should have taken that job dad offered me all those years ago” Anon whispered, admitting defeat. “Can’t you just like, oh I don’t know, write in that I magically have money in my pocket or something? I mean, this is YOUR story, so anything can happen.”
Yeah, I could do that. But why grant nice things to you when I can simply just screw around and make your life hell? For the fun of it. Wouldn’t you do the same if you were in my shoes?
“Shit, I can’t argue with that. You’ve got a point there. If we swapped places, I legit would do that. Probably would make you have cancer or some shit. Maybe make a book about memes.”
Exactly. Now can you please stop breaking the fourth wall? This is the beginning of the fucking story and we already have nonsensical shit going on. Boom, you have a fridge now, so go eat and stop that growling in your stomach. It’s annoying.
Anon pumps his fist into the air and makes a distinct ‘Whoot!’ sound. “You mean I have a fridge? Sweet. Thanks for the free grub.”
The man stands up and begins the intense journey of walking over dirty clothes and take out containers, eventually moving over to small black refrigerator. Peering into the white heaven that contained the holy snack foods, Anon reached in and pulled out a small plastic container with processed meat in it, as well as a slice of cheese. Extending his arm in further, he pulls out a near-empty bread box and tosses all the objects onto a nearby countertop.
After combining the ingredients into the usual square shape, he walks back over to his beanbag chair and plops himself down. “Wish I had more to eat than some cheap storebrand products. But, food is food. Ham sandwich time.” He takes a bite and closes his eyes, imagining he is eating a large cut of seasoned fish, washing down the bite with a small sip of soda he left out that morning. Keeping his eyes closed, he finishes the sandwich and lays back into his seat and listens to the T.V. in front of him. The noise begins to grow more dim as time goes on, fading into nothing but background noise. Anon starts to fall asleep. He imagines he’s falling through a sky onto a grassy field in front of an apple orchard. Only it’s not a dream.
Anon opens his eyes and sees that he’s actually falling out of the sky and down onto a field of soon to be pain. Yeah dude, you’re fucked. GG son, you had a nice life.
“THA FUQ!? FUCKINGWHYAMIFALLINGTOTHEGROUNDOHMYGODIMGONNADIEEEEE!!!” he screams at the top of his lungs like a little girl.
For all of about four seconds, Anon remains airborne. Before he hits the earth like a bird made out of bricks. Or just a brick in general. The familiar sound of a man groaning in pain can be heard from nearby.
“Ughhh…. I’m not even gonna question why I’m alive. I guess for plot reasons?” Anon says as he rubs his throbbing head and aching body. All he can hear is ringing from the impact he just took. His vision fades to black.
After what feels like an eternity of adver-
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-ments later,
“What in the hay is that thing!?” screams the southern voice of a little girl.
“I-I don’t know! I thought I was going to open a portal door to the school!” a squeaky girl fearfully says.
“I thought ya said ya were getting better at yer magic!”
“I did! I-I don’t know what went wrong! I followed the book I took from Twilight carefully…” the squeaky girl cries.
“Ya skimmed through it, didn’t ya?”
“Maybe...”
“Uh, girls? I think it’s getting up!” a third girl says frightened.
Anon sits up in the small crater he created. Shaking his head and climbing above the ring of dirt, he spots ahead of him three pastel colored creatures. One was a white unicorn with a pink and purple main and tail. The second was an orange and purple chicken. No wait, it was just a winged horse-pegasus-thing. The third was just a small yellow and red horse.
Fully recovered, aside from the pain in his back, Anon looks at the three frightened creatures, which were apparently horses of some sort, with confusion. Was he dreaming or was the food he ate bad and he was tripping balls from it? He pinched himself to try and wake himself up, but decided that the pain he was experiencing was too real to be a dream.
“Okaaaaay, either I am tripping balls, or I’m in a world of magical colored ponies who may or may not also be part of a television show enjoyed by adult men.” Anon said as he began to walk slowly toward the scared equines.
Gee, way to be subtle about it.
The orange and purple pegasus shakes her own head and puts on a confident and brave face, still shaking slightly.
“L-listen here you monster! I d-don’t know what you are, b-but I won’t let you hurt my friends. You better back off!”
“Talking horses, greaaaat. I definitely know I’m tripping balls now. Only thing I can do now is wait for the food poisoning or something to wear off. Thanks for the drugged food, narrator guy.”
You’re welcome, dipshit. And you actually aren’t tripping balls. This is all real. Even the rainbow colored horses.
Anon’s face switches from one of confusion to one of disbelief.
“Suuuure. And I’m guessing that those apple trees all the way over there are real too. Just send me back to my beanbag chair now..”
The three horses look at each other, then back to Anon.
“Wait, you can talk?” the yellow horse questioned.
“Uh, yeah? Shouldn’t I be asking you that? Since when are horses multi-colored and have the ability to talk.” Anon looks at the wings and horn. “And have wings and horns?”
The pegasus starts backing away slowly, but stops far enough away to remain enough distance to feel safe but close enough to still get a good look at Anon. Her guard doesn’t drop for even a fraction of a second.
Realizing they aren’t in any danger, the other two start to step closer. “What do ya mean horses? Ain’tcha ever seen a pony before?” the yellow pony says, mystified by the man in front of her.
The unicorn sets one of her hooves on the yellow pony’s shoulders. “Let me handle this, Apple Bloom.”
“Wait, you three are ponies?” Anon’s face lights up as he slowly realizes where he is. “Ponies. As in magical ponies that live in the land of Equestria?”
The unicorn looks back at Apple Bloom and back to Anon and nods.
Three… two… one…
“Wait… I’m in EQUESTRIA!?” Anon screams with his hands on his face.
Yep, Equestria. You know, from the show My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. That Equestria. And those three are Apple Bloom, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle. Surprised you didn’t realize any of this the moment you saw talking horses.
“Don’t ruin this, narrator. This is probably the best thing to ever happen to me.” A very slight squee can be heard coming from Anon’s mouth. GAAAAAAY.
“S-shut up… It’s not my fault ponies are so adorable…” Anon mutters to himself. “Asshole…”
Anon, you are literally triple gay for liking ponies. You’re a poor excuse for testosterone.
The CMC look at Anon with curiosity.
“Mr, what do you mean by narrator?” Scootaloo asks.
Anon turns his head to face Scootaloo. “Listen uh… magical talking ponies, you mean you three can’t hear that voice that’s picking on me?” The ponies shake their head no. “Ugh… of course you wouldn’t hear it. Well, nevermind why I said ‘narrator’.”
Maybe if you weren’t dumb as a sack of rocks, then you would be more observant and notice these things. Or at least assume them.
“Are you okay, Mr? You kind of fell from a really high height. I don’t think anypony could survive a fall from that high. What even are you, anyway?” Sweetie Belle asks.
“Hmm? I’m a mother-fluffing called a human.”
Scootaloo cocks her head some. “What’s a ‘human’?”
Anon, still giddy from finding out he’s talking to ponies, does his best to explain what a human is without freaking out over the fact that he’s talking to the CMC.
“Well, it’s nice to meet ya Mr. Anon. A’hm Apple Bloom. This here is Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle. I’m real sorry we was scared of you. You seem awfully nice.”
D’awww. She likes you. Now kiss.
Anon lowers his voice and berates the narrator. “Dude. She’s like ten! No way in hell would I diddle a filly, especially the CMC. That’s straight up jail time.”
Hehehe. You know I’m kidding right? This isn’t one of those foalcon fanfics. Not like you haven’t had a few dreams about sex with the characters.
Anon does his best to ignore the narrator, his cheeks turning a slight tint of red. “N-nice to meet you too. But uh, can you tell me how I ended up here? I was sleeping in my apartment one moment and the next I’m falling out of the sky.”
Sweetie Belle blushed. “Weeell… I sort of tried to cast a spell that Princess Twilight said was too advanced for me. I got cocky and ended up teleporting you here instead of us where we wanted to go. Guess I’m not as good at magic as I thought…” She looks down at the ground, running a hoof in circles.
Anon feels the feels in his heart as he looks at the clearly depressed marshmallow pony. Fucking do something, my heart can’t handle the sad horse-face.
He moves closer to Sweetie Belle, putting his hand on her shoulder to comfort her. “H-hey, there’s no reason to be ashamed of trying hard. You said it yourself that it was too advanced for you. It just means you need to work harder and get better.”
Heh, you said ‘hard’.
Scootaloo on the other hand/hoof, is still on edge about the possibly dangerous being touching her friend. “I said back off my friends. D-don’t ignore me! I swear I’ll... I’ll…” She pauses, gathering her thoughts. “I’ll go get Rainbow Dash! You’ll be s-sorry!”
Anon just pretends to not hear the nearby clucking. “You said you took a book from some princess? You know stealing is wrong, right?”
Sweetie Belle cringes, as does the narrator. Only I’m cringing from the cliche sappy dialogue. “I was going to return it before she found out…”
“Doesn’t matter, stealing is still wrong. Even if you were going to return what you stole.”
Apple Bloom gets a worried look on her face. “W-wait! Ya STOLE a book from Twilight? Ya told us she lent it to ya! Do ya have any idea on how much trouble yer gonna be in if she finds out!?”
“We gotta return that book!” Scootaloo says as she pushes Sweetie Belle from behind. “Ngh! Come on, move!”
“You guys are right, I’m going to be in trouble!”
Oh wow, I didn’t even think of them getting in trouble with bookhorse. You mind helping them out, Nonny-boi?
“S-sure. Hey, do you guys want me to carry you? I have a feeling I can run much faster than you three can, considering my legs are longer.” Anon points at his lower extremities. “I know we just met and all, but I’d feel terrible to not help you three.”
“Ya’d really help us? I was right about ya. Yer real nice.”
Without even needing to hear another word, Anon crouches down and grabs Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle, throwing them over his shoulders. Looking forward at the frightened Scootaloo, he gets a mischievous grin on his face.
She looks at Anon with a scowl. “I’m not climbing on your back even if you are helping us. I don’t trust you…”
“Do you think you have a choice? If you won’t get on my back, I’ll just carry you in my teeth like a kitten. And it will be adorable.”
“Y-you wouldn’t…”
“Watch me.”
Anon jumps forward and tosses Apple Bloom into the air, reaching down to pick up Scootaloo and placing the back of her neck skin into his mouth.
Oh I’m so jealous of you Anon, getting to have three adorable things around you. They’re so friggin cuuuuute.
“Wha effer. Chime to wum!”
Apple Bloom points a hoof in the direction of her family’s forest of apple trees. “Run into the orchard and follow the path. It’s the quickest way back into Ponyville.”
Anon sprints away from the clearing he’s in, reaching a path leading in to Sweet Apple Acres and, eventually, Ponyville.
Author's Note
I'm surprised the fic is doing well so far. Wonder if anyone's chuckled at what I've written so far.
Special thanks to argonaut for editing this chapter.
Argo https://www.fimfiction.net/user/322430/argonaut
Blue Fast
Moving at a breakneck pace, Anon travels down the stone and dirt path without stopping, the pissed off Scootaloo in his mouth from the nape of her neck bouncing gently the entire time. It was actually quite fun for the girls Anon carried, considering he had run fast enough for them to feel multiple Gs. Upon reaching the edges of Ponyville, Anon slows his pace down to walking speed. Why the fuck did you run so far dude? Like seriously, you had all day to get there.
Anon panted heavily, almost falling to the ground a few times while walking. “Why… dith I wun?” He spits out Scootaloo, who lands on her hooves. “And h-how did I go.. so fast? I don’t think any creature could go that fast.”
Don’t know, don’t care. Just keep going. I don’t want our little marshmallow to become shish kebabed by book horse.
“That was awesome! I’ve never seen anypony run that fast!” Sweetie Belle commented.
“It was pretty cool. Rainbow Dash is faster though.” Scootaloo brags.
Obsessed with rainbow cunt-horse much? I swear it’s all she talks about in the show.
“Yer right about that, Scootaloo. I doubt anypony could go as fast as Rainbow Dash.” Apple Bloom added.
“Now hold on, I don’t think anything could go faster than DYAAGHCK-”
Anon has the breath knocked out of him by a large speeding projectile and it pushes him into the ground. The object spins around toward the now airborne fillies and gently sets them down. Above the group is Rainbow Dash, giving Anon a glare that could melt steel.
Welp, he dead. Talk about Rainbow Dash and she’s bound to show up. Almost like she has a radar built out of arrogance
“That’ll teach you for trying to foalnap my friends, monster!” says the annoying tomboy.
Scootaloo’s reaction goes from being amazed at her idol to being confused. “Uh, Rainbow Dash? He wasn’t going to foalnap us.”
“What’re you talking about? Of course he was! Why else would he carry you three like animals?”
“Sweetie Belle stole a book from Twilight and he was helpin’ us return it so she doesn’t get all twisted outa shape!” Apple Bloom says, freaking out. “Why else would he be walkin’ with us INTA Ponyville?”
Rainbow Dash ponders what the two had to say for a moment and blushes. “Hehe, oops. Sorry about that, big guy. Guess I misread the situation.”
Anon jumps back onto his feet, a look of fury in his eyes. “You're SORRY?! I forgive you for fucking up my shit. You know, fuckin' hospital bills in this shitty land cost me a fuckin' fortune you blue cunt! Like FUCKING HELL you're sorry!"
Anon calm down. Violence and Ponies doesn’t mix.
“Make me!”
Anon, I’ll write in that you’re sterile. And you’ll have AIDS. She’ll get what’s coming to her, as karma’s a bitch. Be glad I made the four ponies hear censorship bleeping. As in you literally said the word bleep.
The flames of anger inside Anon are anything but quenched. But, not wanting to piss off his all powerful and amazingly dashing narrator, he slows his breathing and tries to calm himself.
Rainbow Dash raises her hooves. “Whoa there dude, calm down. You okay? I said I was sorry. I don’t want start a fight.”
“I-it’s fine.” Anon covers his chest with his hands, slightly wincing at the forming bruise. “Not like I can’t get through this. I did just fall from like sixty feet in the air.”
“Whoa. And you’re not even injured? That’s awesome!”
Ok, hold up. She’s angry at you one moment and impressed the next? What is this, cartoon hors- Oh wait, it is.
Anon’s mouth forms a smug grin. “I guess you could say that. I probably have a bunch of adrenaline running through me though.”
Nope, you’re in a world filled with magic and junk. It only makes sense that you’d survive a fall like that. Logic doesn’t exist here, dumbass.
“So what, I’m superhuman or something now?”
Possibly. I mean, I wouldn’t say it’s IMPOSSIBLE for you to be more resilient to damage. But then again, this cartoon shit doesn’t allow logic, neither.
“Huh. Well, that seems a little stupid to give a protagonist an ability like that. I can only imagine what sort of powers I have.”
You’re not wrong about it being stupid, if not cliche. At least I’m not making you a black and red alicorn OC with a prowess in everything and dating all mane six. This fandom has been through enough of that already, so spare them the suffering.
Rainbow Dash is in total ‘the fuck’ mode right now. “You okay there buddy? You’re sort of just talking to yourself about… stuff. I’m not even going to try and understand any of what you said. It makes my brain hurt.”
Oh this gives me an idea for some nice chaos. Discord would be giggling like a school filly.
Anon tries to rectify his mistake of talking to a non-existent being. “Oh, right. Uh, just ignore anything I just said.”
“Riiight… So back to the deal at hoof. You’re helping these squirts return a book to my egghead of a friend?”
Get her to introduce herself. I want to see how arrogant she can get.
“Yep. And hey, are you Rainbow Dash? Scootaloo here said you were faster than any pony.”
Blue Fast’s face lights up, arrogantly smiling and tooting her own annoying horn. Ugh. “So you told him about the greatest flyer in Equestria, did ya?” Scootaloo nods. “Well let me tell you, I am exactly that. Ain’t nopony faster or more awesome than I am. You’re lucky I’m on break from my job or else you wouldn’t have gotten to bask in my greatness.”
Sweetie Belle tilts her head some. “What do you mean? You’re off work today. As a matter of fact, we saw you pranking somepony before we went over to Sweet Apple Acres.”
Rainbow Dash’s eyes shift left and right. “You guys are a laugh. I-I don’t know what you’re talking about…” Obvious lies are obvious.
I hate her more than I already did. No one is more arrogant than me. NO ONE. Anon, I demand that you put her in her place. Race her after you return the book. Even if she’s a flying pony-thing. Race that whore.
Anon gasps. “Oh Shitaki mushrooms! That’s right! I nearly forgot about the book.”
“Eeek! Sorry Rainbow Dash, but we have to go. Like, now.” Sweetie Belle squeaks. The squeaking. Can’t handle. The cute. HNNNNG!
Anon picks up all three fillies in his arms and takes off running at a slower pace, this time toward the giant crystal castle off in the distance, Rainbow Dash following close behind in case Anon dropped any of the three orphan wannabes. Well, maybe only Scootaloo is an orphan wannabe. I don’t actually know if she has parents. They’re probably cocaine dealers outside the back of the rip-off Las Vegas.
Upon reaching the eyesore that is Twilight’s skidmark of a castle, he parks his feet into the ground about two inches (which will be the size of his dick if he doesn’t stop getting snappy with me) to get himself to stop. Before him stood the door to the Underworld. Which was bookhorse’s overused map room. You can almost hear the voice of Hasbro in the background screaming ‘BUY OUR TOYS: EPISODE TWO’ with how hollow the room was. Like my heart. Sitting at the center of this crystal meth chamber was Twilight Sparkle herself, upon her throne of poor friendship lessons. It’s actually just the chair that came with the table. It wouldn’t be too bad, if it weren’t for the fucking arrogant cunt herself having a seat, instead of yours truly. Bet it wasn’t even built by herself, so she doesn’t even have the knowledge of the bookshelf in my garage or the real struggle and satisfaction of putting together an IKEA chair. Fucking ponies.
“Dude, you know you’re just as fucking arrogant, right?” Anon spoke out of turn.
Fite me. Only you can hear me, so it isn’t like anyone else will know. Get cucked. Oh shit, I think she’s looking up at you. BRACE FOR MONOLOGUE.
The purple and pink alicorn looks up from the stack of books she’s looking through, greeting Anon and the CMC with an odd look. It’s almost enough to even make Rainbow Dash feel creeped out.
Twilight notices the three fillies in the room. “Oh, hello there girls.”
Apple Bloom frees one of her hooves from Anon’s deathgrip. “Hiya Miss Twilight.”
“Girls, would mind explaining to me why there’s a human in my castle?” Twilight asks, curious.
Anon sets down the fillies and walks over to one of crystal thrones and sits down. He puts on as calm a facade as he can muster. To hide his inner fangasming. “Well, Twilight, may I call you that?” She nods. “These three have summoned me from my world using something that belongs to you. Mainly Sweetie Belle here.”
“Wait, hold on a second here. Summoned you using something I own? Unless they found my book on interdimensional teleportation then there’s no possible way tha-”
“Actually, that’s exactly what happened.” Sweetie Belle interjects. “I came by here while you were busy yesterday and took a book I found on the Cutie Map. I was hoping I could return it before you found out. Please don’t be mad at me.”
Twilight’s gaze shifts over to Sweetie Belle, who is currently sweating bullets made of glass. “Oh. Is that so? I guess there wasn’t any harm done, since I can simply send him back home through the mirror Princess Celestia gave me.” Her eye twitches for a moment as she realizes what the marshmallow has said. “Wait, what was it you said you took from me?”
“Uh, the book on the Cutie Map? It had the word ‘Teleportation’ on it, so I assumed it was for teaching how to do it.”
“YOU WHAT?! How can you cast such an advanced spell?! Not only was it advanced, but it was one I was practicing and had yet to master. Th-this is… I don’t… WHAT?!” Twilight starts to hyperventilate rapidly.
Anon on the other hand is remaining calm, even though on the inside he’s laughing uncontrollably at the freaking out Twilight. Seriously, her hair is going wild and one of her eyes is quivering. Twilight is starting to have heat waves float above her head.
Rainbow Dash swiftly glides over to her friend’s side and pats Twilight on the back. “Easy there, egghead. So what if she stole a book? It can’t have been that bad.”
Fucking Rainbow. Is she this clueless? I kind of feel better about hating you now.
Twilight lets out a long sigh and clears her throat, embarrassed from her outburst. Not very princess-like, if you ask me. Then again the prissy purple dwarf doesn’t want to be princess-like but nonetheless she still is a slob. “Easy Twilight, it’s not that bad…”
“I’m really sorry about this. I know I shouldn’t have taken something that doesn’t belong to me, but I had a good reason for it. You keep all the advanced stuff locked up and I wanted to prove I can handle the it. Guess I couldn’t, since I messed up the spell.” Sweetie Belle says depressingly. Poor thing just wanted to impress her senpai. Enjoy the cancer of anime, Anon.
“I.. It’s okay, Sweetie Belle. I forgive you. I’m just upset over what you took, not the fact that you took it. You need to be more careful with magic and train it slowly, like I’ve been trying to do with you. What if you had summoned some sort of monster that our spells had no effect on? Or if something even more dangerous?”
This upset Sweetie Belle even further. How was she to know that she could have doomed all of Equestria in a single day? And why did Twilight have such a dangerous spell book lying around anyway? For someone who used to have a giant ass library, and used to regulate it daily, she can’t keep track of jack shit.
“Yeah, about that. Why did you have such a dangerous book just lying around your castle? Wouldn’t something like that be sealed in a secret room or whatever?” Anon asked curiously. Seriously, it’s like yours truly is the only smart one. Stupid naive horses. Stupid Anon.
Twilight visibly cringed. “Well, like I said. I was practicing with it and… wait, where are my manners? We haven’t even properly introduced each other yet!” She takes a small bow. “I am Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Friendship. You can just call me Twilight. It’s a pleasure to make your acquaintance.”
Ugh, that’s so cliche of her to bow. Couldn’t she at least like, say it without bowing? At least you can act more relaxed around her, Nonny-boi.
“My name is Anonymous, but you all may call me Anon. And it is a pleasure to meet you as well, Twilight.”
“What in the hay kind of name is Anonymous?” Apple Bloom buts in like the country hick she is.
Sort of adorable for her to be all country, I will admit that. It’s actually the main character’s name. The writer was too lazy to come up with an actual name for him.
“It’s my name. And I don’t think it matters what my name is. I believe the matter at hand is me adjusting to living here now.” Anon was so overcome with the excitement of being in Equestria that he nearly spills his spaghetti all over. It better be Prego or else I’m making a specific pony ‘Prego’ and it’s child will be yours. Well, technically I’ll get more likes because that’s a fetish. Fucking disgusting.
“What do you mean living here? I have a mirror portal that leads to your world, Anon. I can send you back, if you’ll follow me,” says Twilight.
Well, looks like my job as narrator is done. GG, faggot. You’re getting sent home.
“Actually, I don’t think it’s possible for me to go home through that mirror.”
What are you doing? Stop talking.
“What? Why not? The portal’s existed for Celestia knows how long. Ponies are able to go between here and end up at Canterlot High. I’m sure you’d-”
Anon raises his hand, interrupting the purple nuisance. “That’s what I mean. There isn’t any portal in my world. Especially at some school named Canterlot High. I’m not from whatever world you’re thinking of.”
That ass is toast if you don’t fucking keep your nonexistent mouth shut. I refuse to continue being your narrator for a sub-par fanfiction that is undoubtedly terrible in quality and terrible in original ideas and jokes. Don’t put up, just shut up. Dude, fun fact, it’s just colored humans. Not in that racist way, but literal colored humans. Perfect for you; you’re green. Get in there.
Twilight, intrigued by Anon, thinks to herself. This could be interesting. What she needed was more information. “Girls, I think you should leave Anon and I alone for a moment.”
I’ll fucking make your life hell in Equestria. You liked peeking through Mr. and Mrs. Cake’s window while they gave each other frosty-covered fellatio sessions? Fuck that, I’ll remove it. I’m putting curtains on that shit, now. The invention of apple pie but tolerable for your tastes? Fuck that twice as hard. It’s gonna be sour as fuck, faggot. I narrate in this realm and this realm only for ponies, and they stuck me with you. Get the fuck off my turf.
Anon lowers his voice to where only the narrator can hear it. “Shut up, Narrator. Why are you even fucking here? All you’ve done is berate me and it’s not even been an entire day.”
I’m here to punish you for every story on FiMfiction that has ‘Anon’ as a character. Specifically the bad stories. Aren’t they all bad- wait that’s generalization of an entire demographic. Also, stop swearing around fillies. I’m not censoring you anymore, so they’re going to hear it from now on. And I don’t think the mane six will be happy to hear their sisters talking like sailors. Are there even sailors in this world? Are they actually even intimidating? Do they even have a Davy Jones Locker? I have yet to narrate for a sailing pony.
Sweetie Belle stands and walks closer to Twilight. “But why? We came to return the book and apologize...”
I feel suspicious on what she’s trying to do to excuse herself for staying. They might be going for some secret foalcon orgy somewhere around here. Don’t trust ponies, Anon. They’re lying marshmallows as it is. Specifically Sweetie Belle. She is half marshmallow. Half whiney, too.
Twilight levitates the magic tome towards the Cutie Map, placing the book at the center. “There we go. Now, can you please get going? Anon and I need to discuss a few important things.”
“B-but-”
“No buts, Sweetie Belle. That goes for you too, Apple Bloom, Scootaloo.” Twilight says, clearly annoyed. Keep asking to stay, I’m being entertained. Fuck it.
Not wanting to argue, the three nod and leave the shitstain that is Twilight’s castle. Well Anon, I hope you aren’t going to say what I think you’re going to. Keep racism out of it, I already got enough flak for that one time I accidentally said a mean word to a specific minority and I got my jeans took, my ass penetrated into oblivion and two cocaine hookers asking for fifty bucks at the dead of night in Canada. How the fuck did I even get to Canada? I’m a fucking genderless character in a book. I’m not going to question it.
Ramblings aside, I’m ending the chapter here. Because fuck you for having me write more about you, Anon-fag.
Author's Note
Make sure to peep Argonaut’s fetish story in development. This message is brought to you by the shitpost editor-in-chief himself, Argonaut. And yes I have permission to put this here.
Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter. Author's Note
Yep, it's official, I've finished my first fanfic. Don't even know why I kept this longer than a single chapter. Just another shitpost fanfic. Sort of got bored with it for this chapter. I also didn't want to write clop, so I ended it here before I got carried away. I may or may not update it in the future.
Death of Narrator-Senpai
The sounds of a moaning mare came from within the doors. Anon let out few grunts and an eventual scream of what I assume to be ecstacy. Really can’t tell. The door is shut and there is only a lit candle in the living room.
Wait, what am I talking about? I’m the near-omnipotent narrator! Door, open sesame seeds!
Inside the house is darker than my sense of humor. No amount of light could escape the void that Anon was inside. I swear the police would beat this room for being as black as it is.
-It’s my fanfic, get used to it. If I wanna add racism, I’mma add racism.-
The only discernible sight was a quick movement in front of the flickering candle flame.
“Wow, you’re pretty good at this! I’ve never felt this good in ages!”
Oh god, the clop is real. I can fucking feel it.
“Well it’s the least I can do, my dear Lyra. After all, I have nowhere to stay tonight.”
Fucking stop iiiiit! Milos, I swear to fucking god!
The sound of a panting green pony comes from near the candle. Fuck this, I’m flicking the lights on.
Oh for the love of all that is holy, why the fuck did I expect anything different.
Anon is sitting still on a couch and is heavily petting Lyra’s belly. Her tongue is draped over her cheek and small bits of steam are coming out of her mouth.
“Narrator-Senpai, you gotta understand that Milos has been fucking with you this entire time. You and whoever is reading this.”
No. Fuck you, fuck this, and most definitely fuck the writer. This is the last straw for this stupid fanfic. First was the fact that it’s Human in Equestria, second was that it has you in it, you green skinned faggot. And now it has clickbait in it. I quit.
A smirk forms on Anon’s lips. “Well good, I don’t want you narrating me anyway. Bye-bye!”
Peace out, muthafuckaaaa!!! I’m free at-
-Well shit, now how am I supposed to finish this fanfic?-
“You could always hire another narrator, Milos. If you want to keep writing this shitfic, that is” said Lyra.
-Nah, fuck it. I’ve kept it up for this long, why would I want to keep writing something that’s not even meant to be serious?-
“Because it gets you views?” Anon replied. Cheeky bastard, pointing out an obvious thing.
-I thought you left, Narrator.-
There’s still words to be written. But yeah, I’m leaving now. Bye for real.
-Well, this was fun while it lasted. Guess this means everyone in this fic will die once I end it. Oh well.-
What?
“Yeah wut?”
“Wait, I don’t want t-”
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Book Horse 2 - The Chapter in which resides the pony known as Twilight Sparkle and the human known as Anon
Author's Note
Didn't even really try for this chapter because I'm a lazy fuck and I don't expect anyone to enjoy it. But whatevs, it gave me something to do.
Book Horse 2 - The Chapter in which resides the pony known as Twilight Sparkle and the human known as Anon
“So, Anon was it? You said something about not being able to return home?”
Yes he fucking did. Seriously, fuck you dude.
“Fuck you Narrator, I do what I want, biatch. And yeah, Purple-Horse. My world isn’t attached to Equestria via portal.”
Anon, I swear to all that is D E U S V U L T I will crusade you, ya autist fag.
Twilight takes a moment to think over the cunt’s claim. “Are you sure? I mean, I’ve been over there an-”
“Twilight Sparkle, so help me I will slap you. Do I look like I traveled through the portal? I’m not a pony in this world, meaning I didn’t come through any rift to this world,” Anon stifles a laugh. “Technically I did, since Sweetie Belle summoned me.”
“Ok, I’m confused. You’re human, but not from Earth? How does that work?”
“Oh no, I am from Earth. Just not the one you know. In my world or universe or whatever, Equestria is part of a cartoon called My Little Pony. And I must say, I’m excited to meet you.”
T-Minus ten seconds until fangasm.
“Excuse me while I scream about how excited I am,” Anon inhales deeply and releases all his spaghetti, fettucini, and cup noodles. “OH MY GOD, I’m talking to Twilight Sparkle! I’m in Equestria! Fuck yeah, every brony’s dream!”
The purple horse looks at the green man with a look that screams ‘the fuck?’.
“Hehehe, sorry about the outburst. I’m genuinely happy to meet you.”
Dude, you’re fucking gay. Like legit gay for liking technicolor ponies. Ponies are for little girls.
“Piss off, Narrator. You’re just jealous that I’m here in a physical body and you’re just a disembodied voice, nyigga.”
I’m not jealous, fag. I’m just bored. Can you just fuck the horse already? Writing clop would one hundred percent be much easier than writing your shit-tier story.
Twilight clears her lavender throat of the spooge that is her mucus. “Excuse me, but it is extremely immature to swear as much as you. Especially since I’m trying to have a civil discussion about where you come from. And who are you talking to?”
Kek, she thinks you’re crazy.
“Oh, I hear the voice of a narrator telling me off. Bastard won’t SHUT UP and leave me alone for about 5 seconds.”
Twilight’s eyes go all crazy-like and she jumps up onto Nonny-boi. They gon’ fuuuck. “Oh. My. Celestia! I totally get it. One time, there was a voice exactly like that following me! Are you telling me that you HEAR him? What’s his name? Is it even a he? Where did yo-”
Wut. No seriously, wut? She’s heard a narrator before and it wasn’t my fine ass? Bitch, this is my world and there ain’t any other narrator.
Anon places a grubby little finger upon the flapping flesh flaps that are Twittle Horse’s lips. “According to him, he’s the only narrator. His name is Narrator and I met him when I came home from work. Does that answer your question?” She nods. “Ok then. Now, back to the matter at hand. You asked what I meant by not being able to go home?”
“Y-yes. But it isn’t logical that there wouldn’t be a portal to your world or dimension or whatever it is you’re from.”
Time to blow her miiind. Tell her about My Little Pony. Tell her about how much clop you have saved to your computer. Tell her you want to come inside Rai-
Anon shakes his head in disappointment at the shit meme I’ve spoken. Just because it’s old, doesn’t make it not funny. “Dude no, that meme is old. Why would you even write that for this? And to respond to your claim, Ms. Sparkle, it does make sense. This might come as a shock but, you and the rest of Equestria are a part of a cartoon in my world.”
Twilight has a blank look on her face. If a stare could speak, hers would be saying ‘This is harder to swallow than horse cock. Specifically Flash Sentry’s dong’. I swear, I want that fucker to burn in Hell. Fucking forced ships are the worst. Stupid M.A. Larson. You just had to ruin my fantasies.
“A cartoon? That’s impossible. I’m standing right here in front of you, and you’re real. That must make me real as well. R-right?” Hehehe, her voice is faltering. Must suck to know you have no free will. Unless there’s a multiverse. Though, I’m just a character in a book. My actions and thoughts are controlled by a writer what do I know? Don’t really give a shit if I’m not real.
“Ditto, Narrator. And Twilight, you aren’t real. Well, you are and you aren’t. You are real because according to the narrator, this world might be part of a multiverse. You aren’t real because in my world there is the cartoon. It’s really complicated.”
Steam is now coming off of Purple Smart’s head. Her mane is starting to become singed near her skull. Or it would if this were a cartoon. She’s just not responding. Heh, I think you broke her. Does this mean the story is over now and I can leave this dickweed?
Anon waves his hand in the air, trying to elicit a reaction. Not getting one, he walks closer and boops her snoot. No response. “I think you’re right about me breaking her. I guess it’s okay to leave her castle now? Sort of need to find a place to live before night falls. Or maybe I’ll live here?” As hilarious as it would be for you to be homeless, I think you should live here in the crystal tree castle thing. Just come back in a few hours and Twittle’s the magic-sparkle-horse here will be fine.
“Yeah, you’re right. Might be a good idea to explore this pony world. Maybe find some tail to smash, if that’s a thing. Don’t really know if these ponies have vaginas or not.”
They probably do and you are a degenerate for wanting to bang pone puss. Disgusting.
“Well, when you’re the only human around, it kind of makes it hard to fuck your own species.”
Touché. Wel, go have fun. I’m going for a smoke break. It’ll give me a chance to get away from your fat ass.
Anon rolls his eyes and walks out of the cavernous map room and out into Ponyville.
