Chapters The 1000+ Year Old Virgin
Entirely By Choice, He'll Have You Know
There was only one thing to do at the end of yet another successful apple cider season. Break out the special hard apple cider, get together with some friends, and celebrate!
And where there are drunken celebrations, there are of course ridiculous conversations and party games.
Which was why Discord had accepted the invitation to hang out with them, even though he knew the drinks would have no effect on him. But that didn't stop him from trying.
“Are you drinkin' an entire barrel?” Applejack demanded as Discord lifted one of the barrels to his mouth.
He paused, raised a brow at her, and then ripped the spigot off. “Nope.” He tipped his head back and poured the cider down his throat.
Applejack sighed and rubbed her temples.
“So, anypony wanna play Truth or Dare?” Pinkie asked.
The others agreed, gathering around the map table and taking their seats. Starlight conjured one for herself and Discord simply plopped onto the floor, tall enough to easily watch the proceedings from there. He set the empty cider barrel down with a dramatic smack. “Ohoho, I'm so ready, this better be juicy.”
“Who wants to start?” Pinkie said.
“It was your idea, you start,” Twilight replied.
“Okay! Hmm, I pick...” Pinkie rubbed her chin, looking at each of her friends, before settling on one of them. “Applejack!”
Applejack smiled. “Yes?”
“Truth? Or dare?”
Applejack considered, then said, “Dare.”
“Yay! I dare you...” Pinkie poured a shot of whiskey and slid it across the table. “To take this shot without drinking any water afterward!”
“You got it.” Applejack picked up the glass and knocked it back. She winced for a moment, but swallowed. “That all you got?”
“I'm just warming up,” Pinkie said. “But good job. Your turn!”
“Alrighty.” Applejack hummed as the considered her options, and said, “Rarity. Truth or dare?”
“Truth,” Rarity answered.
“Do you have a crush on anypony?”
The others giggled and Rarity gave a haughty cough. “Really? What are we, schoolponies?” She sighed, and blushed a little. “Well, I... can think of a few individuals I fancy.”
“Ooh, do tell,” Pinkie encouraged.
“Haha, well, let's see... I'll admit I'm rather smitten with Capper, every time I see him I just get so flustered!”
The others laughed and gave understanding nods.
“Don't let Spike catch you saying that,” Starlight said.
“Spike's a dear, really, and I'm flattered that he likes me, but... he's just too young for me, I'm interested in fellows more my own age.” Rarity idly swirled her drink around, then said, “Okay, I answered the question. Rainbow Dash!”
Rainbow held up a hoof, busy chugging her cider. Once she finished off the mug, she slammed it down and replied, “Dare!”
“As I expected. I dare you... not to drink any more of the cider for the rest of the night.”
Rainbow let out a scandalized gasp. “What?!”
“It's a dare, you have to!” Pinkie proclaimed.
“But... ugh, fine.” Rainbow groaned and slumped back in her seat. “I won't drink any more of it. It's not like there aren't other drinks. Twilight, pass me that Everfree and the cranberry juice.”
Twilight levitated over the requested items, and Rainbow began making a mixed drink, calling on the next pony as she did. “Fluttershy, you're up! Truth or dare?”
“Oh, um... dare?” Fluttershy said hesitantly. “No, wait, truth!”
“Alright, I'll go easy on you,” Rainbow said. “Hm... okay. So, is it true that you once got sprayed by a skunk?”
“Yes, but those sorts of things happen when you startle a skunk, I don't hold any grudge,” Fluttershy replied. The others laughed and she blushed, nervously playing with her mane. “It was pretty silly of me, though. Took weeks to completely get rid of the smell. Okay, Discord, truth or dare?”
“Ooh! Dare!” Discord grinned, already standing up. “Give me a good one!”
“Alright, I dare you... to go into the kitchen, get a jar of peanut butter, and put it all over your face.” Fluttershy was already giggling as she imagined it, and the others joined in.
“Is peanut butter the best you can come up with? Why not mayonnaise? Or hot sauce?” Discord shook his head. “But very well, I'll be right back.” He teleported away, then flashed back into the room, opening the jar and dipping a butter knife into it.
“No knife, smear it on with your paw,” Fluttershy said.
Discord started to reach in, then paused. “Does it... have to be this hand?” He waved his lion paw. “Can't I use this one?” He gave his eagle talons a wiggle.
Fluttershy shook her head, continuing to laugh. “No, use your paw.”
“Oh, it's going to get stuck in my fur, you are diabolical.” Discord did as told though, sending the others into fits of laughter at the disgusted faces he made.
“I wish I had a camera right now,” Rainbow said.
“I've got you covered,” Pinkie whispered, pulling a camera out of her mane and snapping a picture.
“Why would you make me waste Twilight's peanut butter like this, come on girls,” Discord said, shaking his head.
“Actually, I have plenty,” Twilight replied. “Keep going, use the entire jar if you have to.”
“Yeah, I want full coverage,” Fluttershy said.
Discord gave her a blank look, then scooped out the entire contents of the jar and spread it right down his face, starting from his horns and going across his eyes and down his beard. He dropped the now empty jar and put his hands on his hips. “I hope you're satisfied.”
They roared with laughter, Pinkie taking several photos, and after a few moments even Discord himself had to join in. He licked his paw clean and sat back down. “Okay, okay, that was good. I'm thoroughly entertained. Now, do I have to leave this on?”
“Heh, you can wipe it off,” Fluttershy replied, starting to gather up some napkins for him, but he simply stuck his tongue out and swiped it over his face, somehow managing to glean off all the peanut butter in one go.
“Daamn, Discord, what that tongue do,” Rainbow commented.
“Okay, it's my turn,” Discord said, cracking his knuckles. “Let's see, let's see... ah, my good friend Starlight Glimmer!”
“Oh no,” she said.
“You look pretty drunk!”
“No, not at all, I mean...” She grinned, face flushing. “Maybe a little.”
“Wonderful, which means your inhibitions are naturally lowered. Truth or dare?”
“You know what? Fuck it. Dare.” She rested her elbows on the table, giving a little wiggle as she psyched herself up for whatever he had in store for her.
Discord smirked. “I dare you to give us a sexy striptease.”
Rarity started coughing on her drink and Starlight froze, blinking slowly. “Uh... what?”
“Did I stutter? I'm sorry, peanut butter mouth, hold on.” Discord cleared his throat, then said in a much louder voice, “Give us! A sexy! Striptease!”
“Did you finally manage to get drunk? I don't know if you noticed but...” She stood up on her hind legs, gesturing to her body. “I'm not wearing any clothes! None of us are!”
Discord snapped his fingers, and next thing Starlight knew, she was clad in black skinny jeans, knee-high boots, and a tank top. She yelped and stumbled backward, tripping over the jeans.
“Why are these so tight?” she demanded, struggling with them.
“You have clothes on, now you can strip,” Discord explained.
“Pinkie, this can't be allowed!” Starlight shouted.
“Sorry, but them's the rules,” Pinkie replied. “You said dare so he dared you, you gotta do it! Otherwise you'll be declared a total sore loser and you'll have to sit out the rest of the game!”
“This game is so juvenile... okay, fine, but don't expect this to be very sexy.” Starlight got back up, sighing. She balanced back on her hind legs and spun to put her back to the others, shrugging the straps of her tank top down and using magic to lift it off. She gave it a swirl and tossed it, then spun back around, lowering her eyelids and ever so slightly nibbling on her lower lip as she began unbuttoning her pants by hoof.
“Oh. My Celestia,” Twilight whispered, staring at her with a quickly deepening blush.
Rainbow gave her a knowing grin, nudging her. “Like what you see?”
“Um, maybe a little.” Twilight fumbled for her mug of cider and downed it.
“Ooh, Twilight's got a thing for Starlight!” Pinkie chanted.
“No I don't!” Twilight protested.
“C'mon, Twi,” Starlight said, giving her a suggestive smile. She slammed a back hoof onto the table right in front of her, slowly undoing the buckles of her boot. “You know how much you adore hot unicorn mares.”
“No, no, ssh!”
“Whoa now!” Discord exclaimed. “What's this about Twilight and hot unicorn mares?”
“Oh, she's all about us,” Starlight replied, drawing her boot off and tossing it. She set her leg down and swung the other up onto the table. “Me, Sunset Shimmer, hell even Trixie...”
“Shut up!” Twilight hissed, ears flattening and hooves covering her face.
“Now, now, there's no need to be ashamed,” Discord said. “You have a type and that's perfectly valid!”
“Hey Twilight, how do ya feel about Tempest Shadow?” Applejack called.
“She's really pretty,” Twilight said, looking up with a dreamy expression. “And so talented... I mean, uh, she's a good friend!”
“I'm going to have so many good questions for you,” Rainbow said.
“Not if I say dare all night!”
“You're no fun.”
Starlight finished taking off her other boot and backed away from the table, swaying her hips as she finally slid her pants down. And then she lost some of her confidence. “What the- Discord, did you put me in panties ?!”
Discord chuckled, twirling his beard. “I don't know, did I?”
“Why are they frilly pink ones ?!”
“Because I knew how much you'd hate them! Keep going!”
“Ugh.” Starlight took a breath, and levitated over a bottle of rum, gulping down a mouthful. She set it down and closed her eyes, sliding her pants down further. “You guys are so lucky I'm a sexy drunk.”
“Very lucky,” Twilight agreed.
“I feel like this dare was a little inappropriate,” Fluttershy whispered to Discord, eyes widening as Starlight got her pants off and swished her tail aside to show off just how well her flanks filled out the panties. “Oh my. Very inappropriate.”
“Come on, we're all friends here,” Discord replied, borrowing Pinkie's camera so he could take a picture of Twilight's wings flaring open. “What's a party without some drunken shenanigans?”
Starlight finished stripping to enthusiastic applause from her friends, ending off with sitting on the table and spinning the underwear around on a back hoof before dropping it. She spread her forelegs and did a curtsy. “Tada!”
“And that's going right in the spank bank,” Rainbow said.
“Rainbow!” Rarity shouted.
“What? You know I have no filter when I get drunk!”
Twilight held out a hoof to help Starlight down from the table. “That was, um... very nice.”
“Thanks. But I'd just like to say... fuck you, Discord,” Starlight announced.
“No thanks,” Discord said immediately.
Starlight flopped back into her chair. “Okay, now that that's over, my turn. I pick Twilight. Truth or dare?”
Twilight debated with herself, took a steadying swig of cider, and replied, “Truth.”
“Since we're getting raunchy... who's the last creature you had sex with?”
That got some oohing and interested looks, and Twilight nervously giggled. “Oh? Well, um...”
“You gotta answer,” Pinkie reminded her.
“I know, it's just... you probably won't find it very interesting. I haven't slept with anypony. I'm a virgin.”
“Yeah, I was gonna say,” Rainbow said. “I've tried to hook her up but she has really high standards. I thought with her being into both stallions and mares it'd be easy, but it's really hard! She wants them smart, like as smart as her! And then when I find somepony that she might like, she still comes up with a reason not to go out with them! What am I supposed to do?!”
Twilight scowled at her. “Leave me alone, maybe?”
“Oh. Alright then.” Starlight shrugged. “Guess it's your turn then, Twilight.”
“Okay. I think I'm gonna go with Pinkie. Truth or-”
“DARE!” Pinkie yelled without even waiting for her to finish.
“Heh, you've been waiting for that, huh?” Twilight debated on a few different options, then said, “I dare you to take all that ice out of your cup and put it in your mouth, and just hold it there for a minute.”
“Ohh, that sounds like fun!” Pinkie did so, but it wasn't long before her ears laid flat and her cheeks puffed out, eyes squinting.
“Is it cold?” Twilight asked. “You feel like spitting it out?”
Pinkie shook her head, and even smiled, but it was clear she was having to fight not to just bite through the ice or spit it out.
“This really goes to show how different we all are,” Applejack said. “I thought askin' Rarity about her crushes was personal, and Discord straight up makes one of us strip. And now we're back to silly dares. How 'bout that.”
“That's what makes it so fun,” Rarity pointed out.
“You have twenty seconds to go,” Twilight informed Pinkie, who gave her a pained grin. They all started counting down, and as soon as they hit zero, Pinkie grabbed an empty cup and spit the ice out. It was mostly water, and she took several deep breaths.
“Ah, beautiful, warm air,” she sighed.
They continued going back and forth, giving each other all manner of dares and asking invasive questions, and as they grew more and more inebriated, the requests became bolder. They were luckily all quite comfortable with each other, and the alcohol fueled their confidence. Even Fluttershy let loose, jumping up on the table and dancing when dared to by Pinkie.
Sprawled partway across the table and so drunk she could barely keep her eyes open, it came time for Rainbow to call on yet another of her friends. “Okay, okay, who haven't I messed with... oh, Discord, buddy!”
Discord was, unfortunately, still not drunk in the slightest. But he had accepted that equine alcohol simply wasn't strong enough. “Yes, Dashie, my pal?”
“I think I know what you're gonna pick, but um... truth or dare?”
He beamed. “Truth.”
“Oh! Changing things up!” Rainbow sat up slightly, as did everyone else. Discord's picked dare the entire night and was willing to do anything, much to their amusement. Which meant he was likely to answer anything as well. “Okay, okay, what should I ask you... uhh...” She stared at him, then it hit her and she grinned. “So, you big, handsome stud! When was the last time you got laid?”
“I should have known you'd ask that, practically everypony here has been asked to lay out their sex life or lack thereof,” Discord replied with a weary sigh. He lounged back, taking a long and ultimately ineffectual drink from the bottle of Everfree he had claimed for himself. He made sure all eyes were on him and full of burning curiosity, before saying, “To answer your question, RD, I never have gotten laid.”
“What?!” several simultaneous voices demanded.
Discord raised his brow and sat forward, slamming the bottle down. “What do you mean, what? I've never had sex. It's not like I'm the only one here who hasn't.”
“Yeah, but you're like a thousand years old!” Rainbow shouted.
“I'm older than that actually-”
“And you've never even tried?” she yelled over him.
Fluttershy covered Discord's paw with a hoof, giving Rainbow a reproachful look. “If he doesn't want to do it, that's his business, and you shouldn't pry.”
“It's okay, my dear, no question is too personal for me,” Discord assured her. “And I did pick truth. I just simply haven’t had an interest in sex. I’m sure I’m very desirable, haha, not to brag but I consider myself a very handsome fellow! But I’ve never desired intimate company with another creature. So I never bothered trying. It’s not a big deal, I doubt I’m missing out on much.”
“Oh my Celestia!” Rainbow exclaimed. “Guys, we’ve got a thousand year old virgin here!”
“Thousand plus year old virgin,” Discord corrected her. “And entirely by choice, might I add! How great can sex be anyway?”
“Are you kidding me?” Pinkie asked. “It's like a party in your bed!”
“You're missing out on so much!” Rainbow agreed.
“Yeah, like I respect that you aren't interested but it really is pretty great,” Starlight said.
“Please,” Discord said, rolling his eyes. “It's just your natural urges to reproduce being encouraged with physical pleasure and the release of addictive and rewarding hormones. All chemicals!”
“Well they're super good chemicals,” Pinkie replied. “Mm, they make you feel all warm and light like a balloon full of helium!”
“What kind of balloons are warm?”
“And seriously, when you're laying there all worn out with your partner, it's awesome,” Rainbow continued. “It's like when you get done working out, it's a natural high.”
“Hmph.”
“Honestly, it just feels good,” Starlight said. “You like pleasure, right? I mean, you are a hedonistic bastard.”
Discord chuckled. “You're so flattering when you're drunk.”
“I have to admit, I'm surprised,” Rarity said. “When you gave Starlight that dare, I thought it was out of attraction to her.”
“Nope, I'm just very aware of how much you ponies enjoy that sort of thing so I thought it'd be fun. And from an aesthetic standpoint, she did look very nice.”
Starlight clicked her tongue and winked at him.
“Perhaps I could try getting laid,” Discord mused. “As for with who, I have no idea.”
Rainbow turned to Twilight. “Hey, you want somepony who's smart, so here you go! Tall, smart, and very handsome! And with powerful magic, bonus!”
Twilight's face heated up. “I'm not sleeping with Discord!”
“You wound me, Twilight,” Discord teased. “What, am I ugly or something?”
“No! You're not ugly at all, it's just... I'm not uh, into you like that.”
Rainbow groaned. “Oh come on, you refuse everypony! Listen, after tonight you at least need to ask Starlight out, you were so into her!”
“Stop trying to get me laid!”
“Fine, then from now on my mission is to get Discord laid!” Rainbow got up and stumbled her way around the table, going to hold on to Discord's arm. “Don't worry buddy, you have my word, I'm gonna get you some hot flank. The hottest...” She hiccuped, and managed, “The hottest flank I can find...” Her head tipped forward and then she passed out, falling onto his lap and snoozing.
Discord huffed. “This means game over, right?”
“Yeahh, I think we should stop,” Pinkie said. “Which is too bad, I was just about to implement a new rule. That anypony who wants to refuse a truth or dare... can instead take a shot of my famous cinnamon vodka!” She gave the untouched bottle a wave. “Buut, I guess we can do that some other time.”
Discord got up, slinging Rainbow carelessly onto his shoulder. “Well girls, I had a lot of fun, thank you so much for inviting me. Sorry for drinking all your booze.”
“That's alright,” Twilight replied. “Sorry I didn't have anything that actually worked on you.”
“Oh it's no problem, I had fun anyway watching all you get plastered! I'm going to take Rainbow home, I hope you have a pleasant night.”
“Thanks, you too.” Twilight's horn lit up and she started gathering up the drinks and various dishes, her friends joining her. As much as Discord wanted to watch them struggle to even walk, he couldn't stick around. He checked that he had a good hold on Rainbow and teleported to her house.
He carefully hovered into her bedroom, laying her down on the bed. He examined her prone form for a moment, then rolled her onto her side. After more consideration, he created a bucket and set it down next to the bed. “Just in case.” He turned to go.
“Discord?” a sleepy voice asked.
He looked over his shoulder and saw that Rainbow had opened her eyes, though the look she was giving him was distant and her loopy grin made it clear that she wasn't all there. “Ya know, you can... you can spend the night with me if you want- hrk!” She quickly covered her mouth, and Discord grabbed the bucket and gave it to her. She hunched over it and threw up, and he quickly backed away.
“Haha, no thanks, I'd love to stay but I have to go home and iron my cat!”
“Well, okay but- wait, what?”
“Drink plenty of water, make sure you shower tomorrow morning, gotta go!” Discord was gone in a flash, disappearing and then reappearing in the safety of his home back in his personal dimension.
He sighed and went over to throw himself onto his couch, shaking his head. Ponies sure could get hung up on the weirdest things. Who needed sex when Ogres & Oubliettes existed? He'll never understand that biological hangup.
He stretched and decided to retire to his room for the night. Rainbow got so drunk she passed out, he reasoned. She probably won't even remember the last few dares. Which meant, hopefully, she won't harass him about getting laid. With that comforting thought in mind, he turned out the lights and went to bed.
The 1000+ Year Old Virgin
Rainbow Harasses Him About Getting Laid
Much to Discord’s chagrin, Rainbow remembered the entire game of Truth or Dare. At least, she remembered swearing to get Discord laid. She apparently didn’t remember passing out on top of him and being carried home. When he told her about her throwing up, she was somewhat embarrassed, but quickly moved past it.
“Seriously though, I meant what I said,” she told him. “I’m your wingpony, I’m here for you!”
“I appreciate the offer, I can tell it comes from a place of sincerity, but it isn’t necessary,” Discord replied. “I am quite happily single. I know how much romance and intimacy means to ponies, but I don't need it.”
“You said that about friendship too, you know.”
He grimaced but was unable to argue with that. “Okay, let's say I humor you. Who would you even attempt to pair me up with?”
“I'm not sure yet, I need to know what kind of standards you have.”
“Standards.” Discord sank onto his couch. Rainbow was so committed to this that she had actually come to visit him in his dimension, which was such a thoughtful gesture that he was reluctant to actually make her leave. “So, like what traits I would look for in a potential partner?”
“Yeah, exactly! Heights? Mane colors? Intelligence? If you were to date someone, or even just sleep with them, what would they be like?”
“Hmm, let me think.” Discord stroked his beard and Rainbow waited patiently on the other end of the couch. After several moments, he said, “Understanding, trustworthy, a good listener, kind, intelligent, adventurous, optimistic, and funny!”
“You just described... a lot of ponies I know. We might need to narrow things down. Would you consider any of that to be, I don't know... more important? Like, is there anything that's a complete necessity?”
“Definitely understanding, you know what I was like in my past and I would want to be with somepony who won't hold a grudge against me for that. Who has taken the time to understand why I did what I did and sympathize. Obviously I don't expect total forgiveness if they don't want to give it, but it'd be nice to have some sympathy. That's all.”
“Ooh, yeah, I totally getcha.” Rainbow nodded. “Well, there's plenty of ponies out there who like you and know that you've changed for the better. Got anything else that's a must?”
“They need to have a sense of humor! I'm a very funny guy and I simply don't think I could handle being with somepony I can't get to laugh! There's nothing wrong with being a stoic of course but I wouldn't want to be with one.”
“Sense of humor, hm... oh, you know who's got a great sense of humor? Pinkie!”
Discord smirked. “Oh yes, I took a liking to her the moment I met her, I simply adore her optimism and jokes.”
“Soo, what do you say?” Rainbow sidled over closer to him, nudging his side. “Why not ask out Pinkie?”
“I don't know, I've never thought about her that way, would she even be interested?”
“She might. Who knows, she's unpredictable. But I think you and her could have a good time together, and who knows, it might even turn into something more!”
“And you'd be fine with us, er... dating? I've heard how awkward friend groups can get when two of them start dating.”
Rainbow shrugged. “Come on, we wouldn't let something like that ruin our friendship. If you and Pinkie hit it off I'll be happy for you, and I'm sure the others will be too! So, you're interested in hooking up with Pinkie?”
Discord sighed and got up, starting to pace. “I don't know. I still don't have much interest in this whole... sex thing. I've never had any desire to try it. Then again, like you said I wasn't interested in friendship either at first but then I found out how wonderful it was and now I wouldn't want to go without it. Do you...” He fiddled with his claws and gave Rainbow a curious look. “Do you think Pinkie would even be attracted to me?”
“Hah, probably! She likes funny guys like you, I'm sure if you asked her to mess around she'd be happy to! Pinkie is very sex positive and she'd probably sleep with anyone who asks. You have a good chance, don't worry.”
“You seem... rather familiar with Pinkie's sex life,” Discord replied with a suspicious look.
Rainbow chuckled, blushing slightly and pawing at the couch cushion with a hoof. “We've been friends for a long time, we can talk to each other about anything. And the topic has simply... come up a few times, that's all.”
“Have you slept with her?”
“Hey, this isn't about me, we're talking about you. Hooking up with Pinkie, yay or nay?”
Discord sat back down as he thought about it, then said, “You know what? Why not. If she's up for it, I'm willing to give it a try.”
“Alright! Think you can handle asking her by yourself, or do you want me there for emotional support?”
Discord snorted. “I think I can handle propositioning her on my own. Though, um... how does one go about asking, exactly? I get the feeling outright saying, 'Can we have sex?' would be rude.”
“Yeah, at the very least you wouldn't want to ask somepony that in public. No, a better way to ask would be to get her by herself, bring up the Truth or Dare game, and how the topic of your virginity came up. Kinda test the water, see what she thinks about that. Maybe you could make fun of me a little bit for trying to get you laid, but don't be too mean, okay?”
“Pft. Got it.”
“Then just casually say it got you curious about things and you want to try sleeping with somepony, and would she possibly be interested?”
“And that's not too forward?”
“Don't worry, she'll be fine with it. After that, if she says yes, then there you go! Have fun!”
“Sounds simple enough. Very well, I'll go talk to Pinkie.” Discord stood, and Rainbow hopped up too.
“Alright, but before you go, one little tip. She's really kinky so ya know, be prepared for that.”
“Kinky? Hm. Kinky Pinkie. Kinky Pie!”
Rainbow groaned. “Yeah, she hasn't made that joke a million times...” She flew behind him and began pushing him, wings going full speed yet only managing to move him like an inch. But that didn't stop her from trying. “Okay, let's not waste any time, I want you to have a good time and then I want a full report on how good it was!”
Discord snapped his fingers, teleporting them to Sugarcube Corner. Then he took a step to the side and watched her fly past him. She shouted with alarm and quickly flapped backward, managing to stop just before she hit the wall.
“Good morning, Rainbow!” Pinkie called from the counter. “And good morning, Discord!”
“Good morning, my lovely pink friend!” Discord said cheerfully, going over to greet her. “How are you doing?”
“Great! That was some party last night, huh?”
“Indeed, I'm surprised you didn't take today off.”
“I thought about it, but I just love selling my treats so much, I couldn't stay away. Things are kinda slow today, though.” Pinkie gestured to the empty store.
“Ah, that's too bad.”
Rainbow hovered over to Discord and whispered in his ear, “I'm gonna head out. But good luck!”
He nodded and she left, and Pinkie tilted her head curiously. “So, what's up with you?”
“Nothing much. I was just hanging out with Rainbow, making sure she's okay after yesterday, haha. But she's right as rain, as you can see.”
“That's good! Yeah, she drinks way too much, I think she's picking up some bad habits from the Wonderbolts. Something about the military being full of alcoholics? Anyway.” Pinkie twirled around some of the lollipops in a nearby jar. “I'm not even hungover, the secret is to stay hydrated and make sure you eat something, you shouldn't drink on an empty stomach!”
“You're so right. Speaking of the party, remember that little conversation that came up toward the end of Truth or Dare?”
“About you being a thousand plus year old virgin?”
“Yes, that's the one.”
“Sure do! I wonder why Rainbow fixated on that so much, it's nopony's business if you are or aren't a virgin, it doesn't really matter.”
“Right? Rainbow can be so pushy, she actually came to my house this morning to keep talking to me about it, can you believe that?”
“Haha, yeah, she's pretty stubborn.”
“But I have to admit, it kind of got me thinking that maybe I should try sleeping with somepony.”
“If that's what you wanna do, then go for it! It really is fun!”
“Oh, I am going for it.” Discord rested his hands on the counter and leaned forward, swaying his hips slightly. “Would you be interested in showing me the ropes?”
“Would I... oh!” She blushed, pressing a hoof to her chest. “Why, Discord, you want to mess around with me?”
“Well, sure! Who better for my first time than a sweet, fun-loving mare like yourself?”
“Aw, you big flirt.” She waved her hoof, grinning. “Well I'm always up for helping out my friends, so yeah! I'll sleep with you! Aw, this is just so cute, that out of anypony you could have come to, you come to me.”
“Well, if I'm being honest, Rainbow put me up to it. I said I would want somepony with a sense of humor and you were the first person she thought of. And I've always liked you, I mean even back when I first met you and wasn't exactly a good guy, well...” Discord chuckled and ruffled his mane. “I admired your personality, how you were always smiling, and... yes.”
Pinkie beamed. “I'm happy to hear that! I gotta finish up my shift, but how about you meet me back here at 3 PM and we can get to it?”
“Sounds good, I'll see you then.” Discord headed out, sighing with relief. That went well. Now he just had to wait until 3 PM and-
“Discord!” Rainbow tackled him from the sky, and taken by surprise, it sent him sprawling.
“I didn't order this rainbow-colored missile,” he said indignantly, pushing his face out of the dirt and spitting.
“Oops, sorry, I didn't think that'd actually knock you over.” Rainbow helped him up and grasped his paw. “So, how'd it go?”
“She said yes, so I guess it went well,” Discord replied, pulling his paw back and making a show of wiping himself off.
“Okay, I get it, sorry.” She awkwardly helped brush blades of grass off him. “But that's great! Am I a great wingpony or what?”
“Define great.” Discord walked past her. “Can you leave me alone about my sexual status now?”
“No way, dude, not yet! I can't just let you go in blind! Pinkie's got loads of experience and you've got none, I need to give you some advice.”
Discord sighed, rubbing his face. “I can't imagine it's that complicated.”
“Not really, but still. Come on, let the Dash teach you everything you need to know.”
Discord scowled, but he supposed he had nothing better to do. So he let the overenthusiastic pegasus drag him off, already planning out how he was going to get her back for all this.
“Okay, so what do you actually know about having sex?” Rainbow asked.
Across the table from her, Discord rolled his eyes and took a sip of tea. Eh, not as good as Fluttershy's but it'll do. “Honestly, you're acting as if I'm a foal. I completely understand how sex works, it's pretty simple. Sexual reproduction in ponies involves the male penetrating the female and moving inside her until the stimulation causes ejaculation, at which point his sperm is able to potentially fertilize one of her eggs, and in the case of fertilization, after around eleven months she will give birth to a foal, though in rare cases twins are born. Though of course any gender can have sex with each other and how that happens depends on the respective genitals involved. Now would you like me to go into detail on cellular meiosis and the step by step process of a zygote turning into a foal or you satisfied with my knowledge?”
Rainbow's face turned red. “Uh, well, you clearly know a lot about it from a... biology standpoint.”
“Yes, I've read several biology books and learned about the reproductive systems of countless different creatures. I could also tell you about the circulatory system, respiratory system, nervous system-”
“Okay, I get it, you're an egghead. But while knowing the physical stuff is good, there's more to it. You gotta listen to what your partner wants, move with a good rhythm, really pay attention to their body. Don't be afraid to nibble their ears, dirty talk to them, stroke their thighs... let them know you're enjoying it and that'll make it even better for them.”
Discord summoned a notebook with a snap of his fingers and started writing in it. “Mhm, nibbling, talk dirty, thighs...”
“Pinkie likes kisses,” Rainbow mused. “So if you're comfortable doing it, you should kiss her.”
“Kisses... okay, admit it, you've fucked Pinkie haven't you?”
Rainbow stared, then laughed and looked away. “Haha, no, what makes you think that?”
“I can tell you're lying, every time you lie your second to last primary feathers twitch.”
She sighed and looked back at him. “Okay, fine, I have slept with Pinkie.”
“See, was that so hard? Also, your feathers don't twitch, I just said that to get you to confess.”
“You're a dick.”
“Thank you. What else do I need to know, oh guru of lovemaking?”
“Really you should just kinda go with your instincts, but don't forget about foreplay! Spend some time really getting to know your partner, find out what makes them tick, get them turned on and desperate for you. Try going down on her, she'll love that.”
“Going down on her?”
“Oral.”
“Ah.” Just how many sexual euphemisms did ponies have? Discord felt like he needed a dictionary to keep track of all these terms.
Rainbow smirked. “With that tongue of yours I'm sure she'll love it. Just try not to bite her, that fang probably wouldn't feel too good.”
Discord idly rubbed his fang. “Hmph. Noted.” He finished off his tea and gestured between them. “Is this normal? Like. Do pony friends usually talk about how to get each other off?”
“You'd be surprised. Alcohol helps, true, but when you're comfortable enough with somepony you can talk sex completely sober!”
“I see. Okay, well, I appreciate your advice and I'll certainly let you know how things go.”
“Cool.” Rainbow stood. “Well, I guess I should get ready for my drill practice with the Wonderbolts.”
“Oh, I should leave you to it.” Discord passed his cup over to her and stood too. “Have fun, and make sure you do your warm up and cool down stretches!”
“Haha, of course. See ya later.”
Discord teleported from her house. A few hours of relaxation and then he can go meet up with Pinkie. He really hoped it lived up to the hype, otherwise he was going to have some serious words for a certain pushy blue pegasus.
The 1000+ Year Old Virgin
Discord Gets a Piece of Pie
When 3 PM rolled around, Discord sauntered into Sugarcube Corner and greeted Pinkie, who was being relieved from her position by Mrs. Cake. “Good afternoon, Pinkie.”
“Hi!” She bounded over to him, doing a quick circle around him. “So, wanna go to your place or mine?”
“Well, considering you live here, we should go to my place. I don't want to bother the customers,” Discord replied.
“Ah, the upstairs is pretty soundproof, trust me.”
“Nonetheless, it may be best to just go to my house.”
“Okie-dokie-loki!” Pinkie turned to call to Mrs. Cake, “I'm gonna go hang out with Discord for a while, ya need anything?”
“No dear, I'm good. You go have fun now,” Mrs. Cake replied, giving a little wave.
“Yay! Alright, let's go!” Pinkie brushed against Discord's leg and skipped out of the bakery. Discord chuckled as he followed her. She was certainly enthusiastic. Once they were outside, he rested his hand on her back and transported them both to his dimension with a snap of the fingers. She grinned and immediately jumped up, letting herself float upside-down. “Woo! No gravity!”
“Indeed!” Discord jumped with her, drifting through the air. “Or at least, the gravity is optional. So, shall we go inside?” He gestured to his nearby house.
“Uh-huh!” She ran in midair over to the door and pushed it open, the hinges squeaking like a rubber duck. She giggled and went inside, letting Discord through before closing it. “Okay, lead the way.”
He took her up to the bedroom, and she took a lap around the room, nodding in approval. “Ooh, so intimate! Is this a king-sized?” Pinkie asked, running a hoof along the bed.
“Calihornia king-sized, in fact,” Discord confirmed.
“Awesome!” She beamed at him, resting her forelegs across the bed and giving her hips a little wiggle. “So, how do you wanna get started?”
“You're the expert, you tell me.”
“Haha, I don't know if I'd say expert... but okay! First, get on the bed!” She hopped up onto it, grinning as she bounced a few times. “Whoa, this is the springiest bed I've ever seen!”
“Not going to be a problem, is it?” he asked, laughing as he jumped up next to her. He had to use his magic to catch her before she hit the roof.
“Not at all!” She gave him a thankful nod and he set her down, and she instead laid down on her side and patted the covers in front of her. “C'mere, get comfy.”
He stretched out in front of her, and her eyes roamed down his body and back up. She hummed thoughtfully.
“Now what?” he asked.
“Just thinking about how tall you are, this is gonna be interesting.”
“I can shrink if you need me to,” he said.
“No, it'll be fine. You're flexible, right?”
“Very.”
“Then stay just like you are!” She booped his nose with a hoof, and taken by surprise, he chuckled.
“Very well then. Shall we continue?”
“Sure!” She shifted, rolling slightly onto her back and resting her head on a pillow, one hoof running along her side and over a thigh as she ever so slightly parted her hind legs. “So, what do you think?”
His face heated up as he checked her out, and when he got back to her face, he saw her lower her eyelids and nibble her lip. “Well, you're certainly very... alluring.” He's never thought about another creature that way before, but with the way she was presenting herself, he certainly couldn't help but find it pleasing.
She blushed. “Thank you.” She lifted her front hoof and gestured for his hand, and when he held it out, she pulled him closer. “Come on, big guy, get a little closer. You don't have to be nervous.”
“I'm not nervous,” he scoffed. Even so, his tail gave an uncertain lash as he climbed over her. She seemed so small under him, but she didn't mind in the slightest, just resting her forelegs around his neck and smiling.
“Hi,” she said.
Discord smiled. “Hi.”
She stroked his neck, and he bent it so that he could hold his face close to hers. Her hooves moved to his shoulders. “So, can I kiss you? It's okay if you don't wanna but I like kisses.”
“Ah, yes. Feel free,” he replied, and as she leaned up, he continued, “I've never kissed anypony either, never really saw what the big deal is, I mean what's so pleasant about touching your mouth to someo-”
He was cut off by Pinkie sliding her lips against his, and his eyes widened, a very pleasant shock going down his spine. Her skin was so soft and warm, and he closed his eyes and responded without thinking about it. It felt good, sending unfamiliar tingles of bliss through his body, but all too soon it was over and Pinkie leaned back. She stroked his cheek. “That's what the big deal is.”
He blinked his eyes open, blushing as he felt his lips. “I... I didn't realize they were so sensitive.” He shook his head, rolling his eyes. “I still think it's gross to push your mouth up against somepony else's mouth, I mean I don't know what they could have eaten, if they've brushed recently... seems like a recipe for infection to me.”
She giggled. “You're so weird. I like that about you.”
His heart fluttered and for a moment he just stared at her. Then he smiled and smoothly said, “So, what else do you like about me?”
She pulled him in close, nuzzling his nose and pressing little kisses to his lips. “Well, you're funny. You always make me laugh and laughter is the most important thing for friends to share! You know a lotta stuff and you're super helpful! Well, when you decide to help, anyway.”
“It'd be too easy if I solved all your problems,” he teased, tilting his head to give her a deeper kiss. He was starting to get into this. Heat spread all the way down his body when she slid her tongue across his lip, and when he used his own tongue in return, she quietly moaned for him. That made his ears perk, his breath hitching.
Pinkie leaned back, smirking at him. “That's fair. So, handsome, you wanna get this party started?”
He smirked back. “I sure do.” Remembering what Rainbow had said about learning his partner's body, he moved back slightly, running his palms along Pinkie's sides and dipping his head to nuzzle under her chin.
“Mm, that's it... do whatever you want,” she sighed, her hoof on his neck encouraging him down lower.
He lapped down her neck, hands traveling to her thighs and gently rubbing them. He felt her shiver and a small tremble ran down his own back. The appeal of this was growing more and more clear. He wasn't crazy about it, but it felt wonderful and the novelty of a brand new experience definitely got him excited.
Pinkie was quite vocal, telling him with moans and quiet whimpers exactly what she liked, and she had no qualms about tugging on his mane with her hooves and inviting him even further down her body. He knew what she wanted, but he took his time. He may not have done this before, but he's read enough literature to have a pretty good idea of what was attractive and even Rainbow had told him to take it slow. Now he was going to put it to the test. He nuzzled her round belly, sighing against her soft, almost plush fur. He swirled his tongue against her ribs, making her laugh and lightly kick her hind hooves, before moving downward.
He splayed her hind legs further apart, wanting to take a closer look at her.
“There you go, like what you see?” she giggled.
“You're lovely,” he said honestly. There was something quite exciting looking at her from between her legs like this, seeing her looking back at him with lustful eyes and a deep blush. He focused his attention back down, admiring the plump lips that were already slick and ready for him. Go down on her, Rainbow had said. He decided to give it a try, leaning in to run his snout between her legs.
Pinkie sighed out, back lifting slightly. He watched her face, and she held his gaze, pupils dilating and blush darkening. He looked back down and decided to experiment. He pressed his lips to her labia, feeling over them gently. She moaned, legs shuddering. Encouraged, he gathered her hips in his hands and pulled her closer, now kissing her. She felt even softer down here, fur making way for smooth skin, and as he nuzzled, he felt her open up for him.
“Ohh, Discord,” she murmured, and when he looked up again, he saw that she had closed her eyes, brows furrowing as she started to pant. “That's it... keep going.”
He listened, continuing to tease her, feeling her grow more wet. Her scent filled his nostrils, and he found that she was... strangely sweet. He used his lips to carefully ease her folds open, and then used his tongue, wanting to taste her.
She bucked, forehooves pulling hard on his mane. “A-aah, you move fast!”
“Need me to slow down?” he asked.
“Mm, no, I like it! You've seriously never done this before?”
“I haven't,” he replied, unable to help feeling a bit smug. “I'm just improvising like always!”
“Really? Oh, wow, you have a natural talent then. Give me more.”
Discord adjusted his posture and slid his tongue further out, lapping straight up her entrance. She moaned, thighs clenching against his face, and he moaned too at her taste. It was unlike anything else, weird and mildly salty, yet... sweet at the same time. As he kept going, the taste started to grow on him, until all he was focused on was that sweetness. He used long, slow strokes of the tongue, going up and down, and she jerked when he found a particular spot. After examining her, he realized it was her clit, and he focused on it, making sure he rubbed the fork of his tongue right along it with each lick.
“Nngh, your tongue is magical... aah, please, keep going,” Pinkie begged.
His ears perked forward as he listened to her soft moans and cries, thrilled that she had resorted to pleading. He felt fluid run down his chin and ran his tongue more firmly against her, speeding up. “You're really getting this wet, mm... all for me, huh?”
“Y-yeah, you just feel so good!”
“Hm, I've very glad to hear that.” It was with surprise that he realized this was turning him on. It wasn't a sensation he was familiar with, but he still recognized it and allowed himself to give in to it. He let his cock out of its sheath, dropping a hand to stroke it as he pleasured Pinkie. He groaned, far more into it than he usually was. He usually felt no desire to touch himself, but now the sensation was deep and electric, coursing down his spine all the way to the tip of his tail.
“Y-you're getting hard, aren't you?” Pinkie suddenly asked.
He drew his tongue back into his mouth and stared, hand slowing. “How did you-”
“My Pinkie sense! My right back foot just twitched three times! That happens when my partner is getting all heated!” She smiled at him, and he chuckled.
“You're very odd and I love that about you.” He lifted his head and climbed back over her, planting his knees apart and showing himself off to her. She swallowed, staring up at him.
“Whoa, you're really turned on,” she commented. “I didn't think I'd ever get to see you like this.”
“Have you thought about this?” he asked, reaching down to rub between her legs with his lion paw.
She bit her lip, moaning as she trembled. Then she said, “Heh, well... yeah, I actually have, I think about a lot of my friends this way. And once you started hanging around with us, I thought about you too. Especially after we talked about you being a virgin during Truth or Dare and I wondered what you'd be like... I always imagined you as being dominating. That'd be really hot, to just get plowed by a big stallion like you. Er, well...” Her eyes flicked up and down his body. “Not exactly a stallion, I suppose, but...”
“Close enough,” Discord replied. “Well, do you want me to dominate you?”
Her eyes grew large. “Yes, please!” she squeaked.
He rolled his shoulders. Time for the main event. He was so ready for this, his uncertainty had made way for utter confidence and he was eager to fully experience her. He slid a finger into her, making sure she was ready. She was nice and relaxed already, following his motions with gentle rolls of her hips, and he saw her lips form silent pleas. How could he say no? He only teased for a few moments before pulling his paw away and sliding his hips between her legs, prodding at her with the tip of his cock.
“Ohh wow, is that all you?” she asked.
“It's all me,” he purred. “You like?”
“I definitely like.” She wiggled herself against him. “Come on, show me what you got!”
He eased his way inside, knowing he was much bigger than a pony stallion, not wanting to hurt her. But she took him easily enough, closing her eyes and arching as he filled her.
“Mm, that is so good, please... more!”
He held onto her waist, rocking as he went in deeper and deeper. Her warmth surrounded him and he closed his eyes, letting out a throaty growl.
“Ohh my goodness, Discord, you feel so good... we should have done this ages ago!”
“I know, I've been missing out,” he grunted. “I think I see... what you ponies see in this now. Mm, may need to try this again.”
“Don't get addicted,” Pinkie warned.
“Hah, I don't have an addictive personality,” Discord replied flippantly. He thrust in further and Pinkie keened. “There's still plenty to go, think you can take all of me?”
“Y-yes, of course! I like a challenge! Give me everything you got!”
He settled into a rhythm, sliding in even further. The friction sent shocks up his back, and he felt up Pinkie's sides before finally reaching her head, where he just gripped her mane.
“Mm, go ahead and pull on it,” she whispered.
He tightened his grip and she whimpered his name. Her hind legs shifted and he suddenly wanted them around his waist. So he lifted a hand and sharply pulled them into position. Pinkie cried out and lifted herself to ride him more firmly, using her legs for leverage.
“Fuck, aah, that's so good...” he swore.
“A-ah, please, harder!”
“Are you sure? I don't want to hurt-”
“Harder!” she yelled.
Discord dropped his hands back to her hips and pulled her roughly to meet him, and she called out loudly, thighs squeezing tight around him. He felt her body clenching around his cock, as if trying to draw him even further in, and he nearly cried out as he sank in to the hilt, surprised and impressed that she could even take all of him. She really was experienced.
“Nngh, I'm so close...” she managed, easily meeting each of his thrusts, though he could feel her start to waver. “Please, Discord... just a little more, I'm gonna come...”
His stomach twisted. “Very good...” He ran his fingers through her mane. He was nearly to his edge too, she was so excited and it was so attractive, he was going to finish any second now. “Come for me, my sweet...”
Pinkie almost seemed to squirm, all her muscles tensing, before she finally gave in and finished. Discord moaned in pleasure as her body fluttered around him, and he kept pressing into her heat, and she screamed, “Aah, come in me, please!”
He didn't think about it, just sheathing himself completely inside her as he finished, everything seeming to blank out except for the pure ecstasy that overtook his body. He cried out with pleasure, shaking and instinctively rolling his hips into her as he tried to keep that high, but eventually it faded and he slowed, opening his eyes. She opened hers too, breathing deeply and looking dazed.
Discord rested on an elbow, panting as he reflected on what just happened. “Wow. So... I see what you were all talking about now.”
“Yeah,” Pinkie replied, setting her hooves on his sides and giving him a small nudge. “That was awesome!”
He pulled out and moved to lay next to her, and she flopped into his arms, smiling as she snuggled up against him. He idly stroked her mane, occasionally giving her small scratches behind the ears. “That was way better than I was expecting. I mean, up until now I'd barely even touched myself, I just wasn't interested and us draconequus aren't very lustful creatures, but... wow. That was marvelous. Thank you for having me.”
“And thank you for asking! You were so passionate.” She ran her hoof against his chest fur, sighing happily. “Such a stud...”
He chuckled, resting his head against her. “Are you alright? I didn't hurt you, did I?”
“Nah, that was amazing! I mean, yeah, there was a little bit of pain but I got used to it, it just made it more intense!”
“Haha, sounds like somepony's a little kinky.”
“You have no idea.” She looked up at him, raising her hoof to play with his beard. “I usually am pretty kinky in bed, but since it was your first time, I decided to take it easy on you.”
He snorted. “Well, thank you but I think I can handle anything you could throw at me.”
“That's good! Because I see sex like a cupcake. Vanilla is delicious, and totally fine to have... but every so often I love spicing things up with different toppings and... flavors.” She lowered her voice to a suggestive whisper. “If you ever wanna try something new... play with some of my toys... you're more than welcome to.”
His body tingled with intrigue. “I may have to take you up on that offer. Not now, and probably not tomorrow, but... one day soon.”
“Mm, just hit me up whenever...” She yawned loudly, “Whenever you want... Mm.” And then she dozed off, flopping against him and snoring.
He knew she was worn out but hadn't expected her to fall asleep. He didn't know what to do. Should he teleport her back into her bed, or just let her stay here? As he was considering it, he watched her face. She looked peaceful, cheeks slowly losing their blush but contentment remaining on her face nonetheless. Warmth glowed in his chest and he decided to let her stay. At least until she woke up. He started to move, but then she groaned and pawed at his chest, and he stilled. She mumbled something and stopped moving again, and he smiled, patting her back. “Alright, little Pie. I'll stay with you.”
Soon growing cozy with the small earth pony in his arms, Discord drifted off to sleep as well.
The 1000+ Year Old Virgin
Morning- I mean, Evening After
Discord was awake long before Pinkie was. His kind didn't need much rest and he was naturally very active anyway. It was only a few hours after falling asleep that his eyes opened again, and for a few moments he was confused to feel a ball of warmth against his chest, pinning one of his arms. Then his thoughts cleared and his eyes adjusted to the dark, and he remembered he had slept with Pinkie.
Right. He had allowed Rainbow to talk him into having sex with someone. Just to try it, see what the fuss was about. It was fun, there was no denying that. And he wouldn't mind doing it again just for the sheer physical pleasure of the act. But now that the hormones had faded, he could admit he didn't feel driven to do it again. Not in the way ponies described the urge to mate. Ultimately, it was interesting but not particularly concerning or urgent. He carefully slid Pinkie out of his arms and rested her on the bed, pulling the covers over her to keep her warm. Then he moved to the side and sat up, stretching. He popped a few of his joints and hummed, then glanced at his clock. It was almost dinnertime. He hopped up, turning to look at his partner. He started to wake her, then paused. She was still deep asleep, and he was struck by how cute she was all bundled up under his blankets, her curly mane flowing across the pillow and her front hooves slowly feeling in front of her before finding a second pillow and pulling it in to hug.
He decided to leave her to her nap. “Take your time,” he whispered, before flapping his wings and levitating up, going downstairs.
By the time Pinkie was lifting her own head, Discord had already disorganized his house, taken an hour long shower while singing his favorite opera tunes, and finally gone to the kitchen to make dinner.
“Discord?” Pinkie asked sleepily, rubbing her eyes as she pushed herself up.
The bedroom door opened and Discord swept in holding a tray. “Good morning! And by good morning, I mean good evening! I brought you breakfast in bed! And by breakfast in bed, I mean dinner!” He sat down next to her and offered her a plate.
“Ooh, waffles for dinner?” She accepted it. “Got any syrup?”
“Of course, what flavor?” he asked, hand hovering over a bottle.
“Um... cotton candy?”
He smiled and snapped his fingers, then handed her the bottle. When she poured the syrup out, it was bright pink and smelled exactly like cotton candy. She drowned her waffles in it and dug in.
“Sleep well?” Discord asked, picking up an orange from the tray and peeling it. Then eating the peels.
“Oh yeah, super!” Pinkie replied, muffled by all the food in her cheeks. She loudly swallowed. “These are so good.”
“Thank you, I made them myself!”
“Sorry I kinda just fell asleep on your bed, I don't usually do that but you wore me out, big guy.” She patted his arm.
He blushed. “It's no problem. I'm glad I was able to satisfy you.”
“Mhm. You were probably the best I've ever had!”
Discord found that rather flattering. “Really? Moi? Out of everypony you've ever slept with, and despite it being my first time?”
“Uh-huh! You were so passionate and you just felt soo good.”
“Well then. Your candor is appreciated.” Finishing the peels, Discord tossed the orange itself into his mouth, seeds and all. “Maybe now Rainbow will finally leave me alone.”
“Hopefully! It must have been really annoying having her bug you about that. It's your choice whether you remain a virgin or not, she shouldn't have pressured you into finding a partner.”
“It's no big deal. In fact, I'm glad she did. If not, I wouldn't have had such a wonderful time with you.” Discord stroked Pinkie's cheek, and her ears went up, before she blushed and averted her gaze, shoveling food into her mouth.
Amused, he went back to eating his own meal. They talked lightly while eating, Pinkie mostly trying to figure out what she wanted to do once she went back home, since she was wide awake after the nap. Discord suggested she rearrange Sugarcube Corner, and she laughed and said Mrs. Cake was very upset last time she did that since she left absolutely nothing unmoved and Mrs. Cake could no longer find anything. Discord laughed too and said that was a good reason to do it.
“Everypony needs a little casual chaos in their lives,” he said, summoning himself a glass of water and passing a second to Pinkie. She took a drink and gasped at the flavor.
“Hey, this water tastes like cranberries!”
“Yep.” He winked at her, and she giggled. “Unexpect the expected, my dear pink friend.”
“Around you, I'm gonna have to.”
He wrapped a wing around her and teleported their empty plates away. She glanced at his side and then up at his face, slowly sidling closer to him. He smiled and pulled her in so they could lean together, resting an arm around her as well. “I've had so much fun with you today.”
“Me too! Had fun with you, I mean. Though I had fun with myself as well, haha!”
Discord just adored the way her blue eyes lit up when she laughed, how her cheeks flushed and her smile seemed to reach from ear to ear. On many ponies such smiles would be unsettling, but they were perfect on Pinkie's face. “I ought to let you get going, though. I need to tell Rainbow she no longer has to concern herself with my virginity, and you have a bakery to throw into turmoil.”
“I told you, I can't upset Mrs. Cake again,” Pinkie said.
He tapped her nose. “And I told you, she's grown too content with the state of her shop. You know you wanna fuck shit up.”
“Discord,” she gasped. When he just gave her an innocent grin, she chuckled and said, “I prefer to call it, 'going fucking feral'.”
He whooped and clapped at that. “Alright, yes! That's what I like to hear!”
She gave him a hug and then climbed out of bed. She took a few moments to stretch each of her legs, then bowed her back as she tried to pop it. Discord rested his head on his hand, admiring her rump. Then he got up and went over to stand behind her, bringing his hands down in the small of her back and popping her spine.
Her legs all quivered. “Ooh, there we go.” She straightened, hopping a few times. “Thanks!”
“No problem. Here, let me escort you home.” He clawed open a portal out of his dimension and back into hers, leading straight to her bedroom. He held out his paw and she beamed, taking it and walking with him through the portal. “And here we are!”
“Such a gentlecolt,” she cooed playfully. She let go of his paw and went over to her bed. “I'll see ya around. And hey, just so you know...” She knelt down and rummaged underneath the bed, before grabbing something with her mouth and turning around. “I mean what I said. Come back and play with me some time.” She smirked at him around a set of reins, and his heart skipped a beat when her back hoof slid a bridle and what was clearly a riding crop out from under the bed.
“Oh, absolutely, Kinky Pie,” he replied. He blew her a kiss, and she caught it and blew one back as she swept her toys back out of view. He returned to his home, closing the portal behind him. Once alone, he laughed and allowed himself to entertain thoughts of Pinkie wearing that stuff. Okay, his confusion about his own sexual desires aside... he was gonna have to sleep with her again.
The 1000+ Year Old Virgin
It was with pride the next day that Discord told Rainbow that she no longer needed to harass him about getting laid, because everything had worked out great with Pinkie. He declined to go into detail about the experience, simply telling her that he had fun but didn't see it as something he had absolutely needed to do.
“Either way, you did it!” Rainbow said happily. “Your v-card is hereby taken! Congrats!”
“You say that as if I've lost something,” he scoffed. “I didn't lose anything, I've gained a valuable experience and gotten to bond more closely with one of my friends. This whole virginity construct is a sham anyway.”
“If you say so. Congrats on the sex anyway! Now, could you please get out of my bedroom so I can get ready for Wonderbolts practice?”
“Oh, what's the matter, am I bothering you? I would hate to think that I'm being annoying. Being harassed while you're trying to go about your day really is upsetting!”
“I get it, I was too pushy about the virgin thing, I'm sorry. Now stop sitting on my uniform.”
Discord stood and tossed the uniform at her. “So long, my stubborn chromatic friend! Have fun at practice!” He waved until she waved back, then teleported away before she could say anything. He reappeared in Ponyville, where he hovered around to see if anything interesting was happening, before finally peeking in through the windows at Sugarcube Corner.
The main room looked completely different aside from the sales counter still being in front of the staircase. But all the desserts and pastries were rearranged, tables were in different places, the products on the shelves were reordered and he had no idea what the reasoning for the new arrangement was, if there even was logic to it. Even the decorations on the walls were moved around.
And in the middle of it all was Pinkie, laughing as she explained things to a frustrated Mrs. Cake and a bemused Mr. Cake, while the young foals Pumpkin and Pound Cake ran around exploring the new layout.
Discord laughed and kept flying. He and Pinkie really were kindred spirits. He had a feeling their relationship would only grow stronger from here on out. He alighted on the tallest building in town so he could pony watch, but his thoughts drifted off to yesterday. The physical intimacy was nice, yes, but he found himself thinking more on the before and after. Joking around with Pinkie. Laughing with her, cuddling and sharing food, just being together. It made his body grow warm and his heart do those odd flips. He wanted her again. Not merely as a sexual partner, but as a companion.
His gaze was drawn toward Sugarcube Corner, watching the ponies entering and leaving. So this was desire. What an inconvenience. It was no problem for him, but he could see how a weaker-willed creature could be driven to pursue such a desire against all common sense. He spent several minutes watching over the town before finally standing and going to see if Fluttershy was free. If anypony could help him figure out how he felt about Pinkie Pie, his longtime best friend could. But however things went in the future, whatever revelations he had, he knew he would always cherish that pleasurable evening.
