Chapters Hajime calmly and precisely stuck the needle into one of her veins. She injected the orange sunshine into her bloodstream. She had just gotten back from a long day of fighting those Rubix Cube looking aliens. At this point, she needed aid from narcotics to even consider relaxing. Outside her house (which, with its picket fence and bright colour scheme, mimicked the stereotype of suburban houses held by those who either have never been to those places or have become dangerously acquainted with them) was a treehouse made of wood with a rusted fridge door acting as the front door and a metal drum as a chimney.
“Yo, wassup crackers!” said Sugane as he burst through the door “I invested one yen into bitcoin and then 30 seconds later, I was a trillionaire! All our children will be set for life! Trust funds, fuck yeah!”
“Well, dang.” said Hajime “If that’s the case then there’s no need to fight those stupid aliens anymore! Fuck humanity, get money!”
“Well said, homeslice,” said Sugane.
Hajime then noticed a purple dragon running through her garden. She went to chase after it but Sugane stopped her and said “By the way, is that treehouse modelled after the one from that dope-ass film The Book of Henry ?”
To which Hajime replied “Yes. Truly Colin Trevorrow is one of the more underrated directors of the 21st century,”
After that, she ran out and jumped after the purple dragon. The dragon disappeared down a pothole which was allowed to continue existing through the council’s neglect and Hajime jumped down after him.
Hajime woke up next to a white pony with purple hair.
“Oh, shit! How come I never saw this shit before?” she exclaimed with glee.
“Shut up,” said the pony “we brought you here so you would help us take land back from the CoUS. I don’t know why Celestia thought a dimwitted stoner would be a good general but my country right or wrong and all that,”
“What the fuck is the CoUS?” asked Hajime.
“It’s a political party that gained power through non-democratic means that believes that unicorns are superior to all other races. Naturally, this is used to justify turning these other races into slaves,” explained the white pony.
“What am I supposed to do?” asked Hajime, panic and confusion overcoming her as she begins to realise this may not be a hallucination.
“Turn into your robot thing and kill all the members you see on the battlefield,” said the pony bluntly.
Hajime giggled nervously.
“Well, you see, I’m more used to the whole love and friendship approach,” she said.
She was promptly strapped to an operating table. The pony then proceeded to break her right arm. Blood pooled onto the floor. Hajime wept.
“If you think about it, the beliefs of the CoUS are pretty logical. Unicorns can do just as much heavy lifting as earth ponies and pick themselves up using telekinesis which is functionally the same as flying. We possess all of the strengths and none of the weaknesses. We’re just not allowed to admit that due to political correctness. It’s the methods I disagree with,” said Twilight to Rarity as they moved down the hallway at a light canter.
“And what would you rather have?” said Rarity with disgust.
“More unicorn representation in all jobs,” said Twilight.
Rarity snorted.
Hajime was in front of an entire battalion of ex-equestrian soldiers. Some of them were barely old enough to be considered stallions. She entered Gatchaman form and laid waste to the CoUS forces. Then she got hit by a heat-seeking missile fired by one of the stragglers. This blew her back and rallied the men to eliminate those standing. Yogi bear then dragged Hajime’s unconscious body into the woods.
TO BE CONTINUED...
Yogi bear tried to eat Hajime’s leg but she was still that scissor robot thing. Hajime woke up, screamed and then ran away.
“Curse you, Hajime Ichinose!” cried Yogi Bear.
He then committed suicide.
The CoUS forces had been absolutely demolished but someone called in an airstrike that wiped out the entire counter revolutionary squad. Hajime, to be honest, didn’t really care about a bunch of pastel coloured ponies fighting a conflict she wasn’t particularly interested in. She vamoosed the fuck outta there.
Meanwhile, Luna and Celestia were having consensual sex. A guard barged through the door.
“Hajime Ichinose has gone rogue!” he cried.
He then went bug-eyed and vomited because of the incest occurring before him. Because of that, Celestia exploded his head (Scanners style). She tried getting back to her love making but Luna was already back to playing Mario Kart 8 on her Nintendo Switch. Celestia then used her magic to bring herself a FAT ASS Cuban cigar. She then magically lit it and smoked the fuck out of it.
“Luna, be a dear and open up the airstrike app once again. It appears we need to bomb more civilians. You know what, I’m feeling generous so you can download the white phosphorous and agent orange DLC with my money,” said Celestia.
Hajime was walking through the grassland surrounding Ponyville when she started reminiscing about all the times she smoked weed and listened to Lustra’s Scotty Doesn’t Know with her friend Sugane. They had intercourse at one point and it was cool. Suddenly, Minecraft Steve showed up and started attacking Hajime. Hajime dabbed so hard that Steve was blown back.
“Do you even watch Richard Kelly, bro?” she asked.
“No,” said Minecraft Steve with shame, “I only watch Tarantino,”
Hajime then continued on her journey to a place not inhabited by sociopaths.
A whooshing sound was heard from behind her. A missile was making its way to her! Suddenly, Rian Johnson piloting the EVA 1 mech suit punched that missile so hard it split in two and EXPLODED! Rian picked up Hajime and asked her if she wanted to join him in New Texas. She nodded and Rian apologised for making The Last Jedi so mediocre and bland.
Twilight had now defected to the side of the CoUS. There had been no logical arguments from Rarity. This was because pony society had censored its own history and thus the anti-fascist side of the pony political aisle had rested on its laurels. They were not vigilant about whether such an uprising could happen again. The con artists at the heart of the unicorn supremacy movement took full advantage of this to dupe the gullible and weak-minded. Twilight had received her blue unitard and flat cap.
Colin Trevorrow was now a pony living in New Texas. Colin explained that the atmosphere turned humans into ponies and that it was painful due to the changes in skeleton structure. New Texas was a neutral state where the national dish was KFC chicken fillets and Arizona Iced Tea.
“None of that American crap that makes you fat, mind. Only the European version. Government regulation when it comes to food is what allows Europeans to not be obese as people are too dumb to make healthy choices on their own,” said Colin.
TO BE CONTINUED...
"Can pre-emptive violence against fascists be justified?" asked Trevorrow.
Just then, Rian's jaw stretched forward, his eyes moved to the side of his face and his hands fattened into hooves. He could not scream but blood poured from his mouth.
Colin tried to comfort Rian after the transformation occurred but Rian was inconsolable. Hajime wondered when this would occur to her. She stared at her hands.
"We tried to pre-emptively stop fascists through violent means before. It didn't work. It only gave them more ammo," said Hajime.
"Does that mean I have to wait until my friends and colleagues are either dead or under fascist rule to act? Because make no mistake, violence is the only thing fascists listen to," said Colin.
"We don't need to convince fascists Colin. We need to convince the man -- sorry, pony on the street," said Hajime.
"You're going to go, aren't you?" asked Colin.
"If the fascists win, New Texas may be under threat," stated Hajime.
"Don't be too trusting of the counter revolutionaries either," said Colin.
Hajime remembered her torture at the hands of the white pony.
"I won't," she said.
She ran toward Ponyville with some popcorn chicken given to her by Colin in her pocket. Delicious sweet KFC popcorn chicken. She noticed an old couple having dinner in the garden. They had a capillary parked in the driveway. Hajime jumped into the cadillac and drove it away as the trusting elderly ponies had left the key in the ignition. As she drove along, Hajime popped some of the delicious popcorn chicken into her mouth.
Suddenly, Yogi Bear stood in her path except he looked like some furry artist tried to emulate Rob Liefeld. The bulging muscles, the numerous unnecessary chains and abundance of purposeless pouches scattered across Yogi's threadbare outfit caused Hajime to howl with unrestrained laughter. Yogi growled.
"No more!" he cried "I will end your puny life as if--"
Hajime then ran him over with the cadillac, splattering his brains across the road to ponyville. It appeared that Yogi's suicide was actually a contract with the devil and now he was in hell, where he belonged.
Hajime smashed through the border patrol station, killing the guard instantly. She stomped on the gas and used her gatchaman form to leap to the office of the CoUS' leader. She was then instantly caught in an unbreakable magic bind by lieutenant Twilight Sparkle.
Twilight proceeded to torture the living daylights out of the scum that attempted an assassination attempt on dear leader Scootaloo. Twilight wondered what race this treacherous human would turn into. If it was a unicorn, the state may consider simply executing her. She may even receive a funeral. Humans were bad news. She knew that. Either they were crazy enough to attempt to nuke pony territory or they were moralistic enough to interfere with the government's affairs. Warmongers or busybodies. There was no in-between. Hajime cried as her last toenail was teased with a set of pliers. She prayed for death. Due to Lieutenant Twilight Sparkle's irrational anger, her prayers were soon answered.
TO BE CONTINUED...
Adam Wingard burst into the compound while Applejack was busy mining ores with a wooden pickaxe.
“I’m here to kick ass and produce good but generally misunderstood reimaginings of beloved properties! And I’m all outta money from Netflix!” he said while cocking his shotgun.
He then blew the fuck out of a unicorn supremacist.
“Wait!” screamed one of the unicorn supremacists “What about freedom of speech?”
Adam laughed.
“You can still criticise someone under freedom of speech. It isn’t freedom from criticism. You’re free to speak to my shotgun, BITCH!” he screamed.
The unicorn supremacist’s head was reduced to a red mist. Adam was then immediately subdued. While Minecraft Steve was looking away, Applejack bucked him into a chasm and ran off.
Rian Johnson then ran up and passionately kissed Applejack. They then had consensual intercourse. Adam Wingard (who was now a pony) shot Applejack’s legs off.
“I... always loved you, Adam.” she said “I just never thought you would accept me,”
“So wait, hold on, I’m just second place? You chose me not because you loved me but simply to validate yourself and boost your flimsy self-worth?” asked a shocked Rian.
“Pretty much, yeah,” said Applejack.
Adam and Rian then applied pressure to her gaping wounds.
“Help! Help!” cried Rian into a burner phone “Applejack is mortally wounded!”
Luna then bombarded the CoUS settlement with white phosphorous. Everyone died horribly and their insides inverted.
“Brilliant job, Luna!” cried Celestia.
Luna chewed on a Mars Bar and stared blankly at the destruction unfolding on her Nintendo Switch. It was far away and in black and white so it was hard to really care. Celestia then put her arm around Luna.
Luna emitted a weak “No,”
THE END
The Elephants Were Boiled in Their Tanks
Applejack P.I was investigating the case of a missing transvestite pony. She was drinking a few vodka shots in the most popular bar in Alabama Twix (The counter-revolutionary settlement).
A gruff stallion approached her and said “Блин, у тебя сексуальные гениталии,”
“Velvet Buzzsaw был недооцененным фильмом,” was her response.
The stallion then pinned her to the ground and penetrated her in a non-consensual manner. Applejack picked up a bottle of Jack Daniels and smashed it over his head. Applejack laughed as the blood sprayed from a crack in his forehead. She then cried.
The stallion was kept alive using advanced medical technology and magic so he could be publicly hung the next day. Truly, the voter base was creaming themselves for the opportunity to see which politician would suggest the most appropriate fate for such a beast. A competition based on brutality. The stallion was justly hung. And that was the end of that.
Applejack P.I received a strange phone call. It was from Lieutenant Twilight Sparkle (clearly using some kind of burner phone).
“The elephants were boiled in their tanks,” was the message.
Applejack was indignant and screamed questions but Twilight hung up quickly. Applejack tried to put what occurred to her behind her as just another thing that happened, an occupational hazard, but she could not.
“Fuck the transvestite!” she said.
As she ran from Alabama Twix into the great woods beyond, she looked behind her to see a small mushroom cloud in the distance. She tried to feel guilty or sad but she could not. She ran faster and eventually tripped over the corpse of the transvestite she was assigned to find.
“Guess that answers that question,” she said, before slinging the corpse over her back so she could eventually give them a Christian funeral.
Suddenly, CoUS forces helicoptered in from above. Minecraft Steve yelled from a loudhailer that Applejack should stop in the name of the Confederacy of Unicorn Supremacy.
Applejack P.I was now imprisoned in a slave camp. Minecraft Steve knocked on the wooden door.
“We back in the mine. Swinging our pickaxes from side to side. Side, side to side,” he croaked.
TO BE CONTINUED...