Chapters

First Day Back - Part 1
First Day Back - Part 2
Beehives Are Serious Shit
Vampires These Days (Are pussies) - Part 1

First Day Back - Part 1
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Misadventures of that Babysitter Guy

First Day Back - Part 1

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Misadventures of That Babysitter Guy

Written By: Chuck Baleigh

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So, if you're here reading this, then you might know who I am. If not, I'll jog your memory. I babysat the Cutie Mark Crusaders, learned it was a set-up so a human could go to Equestria, and now I have a portal to that mystical land of ponies. Know me now? If not, I don't care.

Look, what I'm trying to get across is that I go to Equestria frequently, and boy, have I had lots of adventures. Now I bet you're wondering, "Why are you telling me this?" Or maybe you're not wondering. I'm saying this because today, dear reader, I've decided that I should share my exploits with you. I know, you must feel very special. Until now, I've never told another soul about this. So there. Feel special now.

This was the day after that whole babysitting fiasco. It was my first day back to Equestria, and oh boy, did stuff not happen. At all. But go on anyways.

First Day Back

June 28th, 5:05 A.M.

MEEP! MEEP! MEEP!

I awoke to the sound of that damn alarm clock. Again. Groggily, I hit the sleep button to shut it up. 5:05, as always. I changed from my pajamas into a new set of clothes, a red/plaid button up shirt and jeans, and topped it off with my fedora. Ready for the day, I headed towards the door, but stopped when I heard an odd, swirly-sucky sound (Maybe like a toilet behind a door, or something...eh fuck it). Curious, I decided to investigate, nearing the source of the noise, which seemed to be the closet. I opened it up and-

Wait. What the fuck is this? Looks like a rip in the fabric of...oh wait, right. I got my own portal to Equestria! Now I remember everything! And if this is a portal to Equestria, then I'm gonna have to hide it. I moved some clothes on hangers around and stacked some boxes to camouflage what would be a somewhat-literal skeleton in the closet. Satisfied with my work, I left my room to start the day.

As I headed out of my room, I pondered how exactly I'd cover up my disappearance from this house for whenever I'd be in Equestria. I was a major house-cat after all, so me leaving my humble abode would be nothing short of a miracle. All I know is that my excuse has to be low on the bullshit factor, otherwise my mother would see right through the lie. I walked down the stairs and into the kitchen, where I ate a generic breakfast.

Once I sat down at my computer, I began plotting the perfect lie. It was an ingenious lie, one that would also be absolutely believable and impossible to deny.

June 28th, 12:17 P.M.

I approached my mother, ready to spring upon her the greatest lie to ever walk the earth. She would have no idea what hit her, and I would go to Equestria, without anyone suspecting anything.

"Mom," I said, getting her attention.

She was in the process of baking some kind of treats for work, a thing she did on occasion. "Yes, Wyatt?" she asked.

This was it. "I'm gonna go down to Joe's. I'll be back later."

"Alright then," she replied without flinching.

You see? Best lie to exist, ever. Claiming victory, I put on my shoes and walked out the front door. But wait...what was I supposed to do now? I couldn't just walk back in and run back upstairs without someone noticing, could I? ...eh, it was my best bet. Slowly, I opened the door back up, almost crawling back in, trying not to make a sound. Seeing that nobody was paying attention, I bolted up the stairs and went straight into my room. Hopefully, nobody noticed the large stomps banging on the stairs as I made my trek. ...I'll forget I thought that.

I opened up my closet, removed the stuff blocking the portal, and stared at it, taking in its portal-y glory. Welp, here I go. Into the void to a land that shouldn't exist. I stepped into the closet, closed its door behind me, and went through.

As I walked through the white void, several thoughts plagued my mind. Would the ponies be expecting me? Would they know I'm on my way right now? Would they freak out at my sudden appearance if they weren't expecting me? So many questions, so little time. I could see the end portal coming up, and braced for what may come.

I continued walking, and walking, and wa-

*THUD!*

Ow. I fell flat on my face. Again. I really need to learn where that gap is. Moving my face up from the ground, I saw that I was yet again in the library of Twilight Sparkle. In addition to this, I also saw Twilight herself, along with Spike. They were both looking at me, having been interrupted from whatever they were just doing, Spike looking like he was trying not to laugh at what he just saw.

"What?" I asked as I got to my feet. "I just thought I'd drop by. Can I not do that?"

Spike laughed, "Drop by! I get it!" Twilight shot the dragon an annoyed look before speaking.

"We just didn't expect you, and the way you hit the floor scared us a little."

"Well, I'm here now. I am allowed to come by whenever, right?" I asked, finished dusting myself off.

"Did you guys even talk about some plan to let us know when Wyatt's coming?" Spike asked Twilight. The purple mare scratched the back of her head.

"Uhm, no, we didn't. Guess I should've thought of that, huh?"

"Oh well, we can do that later," I said, being the procrastinator that I am. "Have you even prepared what you want to ask me? I remember you saying 'I expect a lesson's worth of humans', or something like that."

Twilight let out an exasperated sigh. "I didn't expect you back so soon. It'd probably take a couple days for me to formulate and write down questions for you to answer." Well, this was a relief. I wasn't really sure how exactly I'd answer random questions about human history to Twilight, and I'd much prefer if that came later rather than sooner. So if Twilight wasn't ready to learn about humans yet, did that mean I could goof off in Ponyville? Only one way to find out.

"Hey Twilight, mind if I step out for a bit?" I asked eagerly. The braniac was busy, getting out paper, quills, and inkwells. I presume it was for writing down some questions to ask.

"Yeah, yeah, sure," she answered with a wave of her hoof, obviously more interested in getting her writing tools ready. If she wasn't paying attention anyways, would it matter if I left? ...eh, who cares? Off I went, out the door, and into the bright streets of Ponyville.

So guess what? Ponyville's kinda boring. There were a couple ponies that I talked to, but it's hard to relate to happy, sunshine-loving ponies when you're a rain-loving, gaming, basement-dweller. After that, I went around to see if I could find any of the other members of the mane 6. All I got was Pinkie Pie, who, as she had challenged yesterday, tried her absolute hardest to make me smile. I'll say it again: mission utterly failed. But what can you expect when all she tried were practical pranks and, dare I say, childish jokes?

"Oh come on Mister Frowny-Pants! Make a smile at least once!" I remember her saying as I parted ways with her.

So what was left? Why, spacing out and letting my thoughts wander, of course! It's what I'm best at. And where better to do it than some random bench in the middle of town? Ponies everywhere totally won't be freaked out by some fat human staring into space.

"Heya Wyatt!"

Like Lyra and Bon-Bon, who were standing right in front of me. Wait, what?

"Oh, hey," I returned the greeting, noticing their presence.

"So Wyatt, you remember how you were gonna share human culture with us?" Lyra spoke, excitement evident in her voice.

"Yesssss..." I replied with a hint of dread.

Lyra sat on the bench next to me (human style, of course), a grin on her face. "Well, do y'think Bon-Bon and I can be the first to hear your crazy human knowledge?" Yep. I knew that was coming. Trying to avoid this, I pointed to Bon-Bon.

"What if she doesn't really wanna hear any of this?"

"Actually, Lyra's told me so much about you, that I just had to come along and listen to you share your...how did you put it Lyra? 'Great wisdom'?" She looked to Lyra, who nodded. Bon-Bon continued, "All I'm saying is that she's piqued my curiosity. So please, do share."

Thanks Bon-Bon, you've crushed my only hope of getting out of this. Sighing heavily, I accepted defeat. "Alright, what do you want to know first?"

Lyra wasted no time with the first question. "Hands. What's it like to have hands?" She asked, eyes big and bright. Believe it or not, this question was actually pretty hard to answer. It took me awhile to think.

"Hmm...to have hands...I'm not sure how to describe it. It's a natural thing to humans, so we don't really think about it. But to answer your question, it's pretty much just like if you were able to grab and hold things with your hooves." (Which I'm pretty sure I've seen the ponies do on occasion. Not that it matters).

"Ooo..." muttered Lyra, intrigued. Bon-Bon, after taking a seat on the grass, only shrugged. I'm right with her on the quality of the answer.

"Alright, next question: why do you guys eat meat? That's just gross," The minty mare asked as she stuck out her tongue in disgust.

"Hey, you guys eat flowers. That's...kinda gross to us. Although some people eat different- ...eh, forget it. I'm getting off track. Look, we just eat meat because it's part of our diet. There's nothing more to it."

"It's still gross," Lyra said.

I gave her an annoyed look, but continued, "What's next?"

"Alright, last one. Is it true humans have fought before?"

I was baffled at the question. "Lyra, please elaborate."

Her eyes darted around nervously. "Y'know...war."

"Why didn't you just say that in the first place?"

Lyra shifted uncomfortably before answering, taking her tone to a loud whisper. "We don't say that word much. It's almost like a curse, like something bad might happen if you say it. Nopony likes to hear it."

Bon-Bon nodded in agreement. She looked equally nervous at the mention of the word.

Well, at this point, my asshole instincts would have kicked in, and I would've teased them by saying the word as often as possible. However, they seemed really serious about this, so I'll refrain from doing it.

"Yeah, we've had quite a few w-a-r's. I'm assuming you guys haven't had that many?"

"To count, only about three, and those were a long time ago. We've been at peace for years," Bon-Bon answered. I gave her an odd look, which she returned. "What? I may not look it, but I'm a bit of a history buff."

"Anyways," I continued, "humans have fought each other for pretty much all of history. There's been fights over land disputes, freedom, religious beliefs, all that stuff."

Lyra's ears perked up at the word "religious". "Uh...what's 'religious' mean?" I was shocked, and it showed.

"You guys have never heard of religion?" Both ponies present cocked their heads. I gave a light chuckle. "No wonder you guys have been so peaceful."

"What's religion?" The cream-colored mare asked, as I expected.

I pondered a way to begin my explanation. "Well..." I began, "religion is a belief that you take to heart about how humans, or if you had religion, ponies, were made. Not only that, but you sometimes believe in a god, gods, or no god at all. Most religions also believe in a concept of some kind of afterlife, or life after death. Others believe in reincarnation, where you are born into a new form after death. Most religions also dictate some kind of way to live, and instruct you to stay holy and faithful for a happy life."

Both ponies seemed impressed by my explanation. It's a shame Twilight isn't here. I just gave out a big chunk of information about human history and beliefs. Before I could feel really proud of myself, however, Bon-Bon spoke again.

"You said humans have fought because of religious beliefs," she stated, "why would they fight over that?"

I sighed. "Humans can get really passionate about these things, Bon-Bon. We've fought over religion because there are still idiots out there who believe that their religion is right, and all others are wrong. Therefore, they try to force it on others, and if they resist...I think you can figure out the rest."

Both ponies looked appalled. To fight over something as silly as a belief? These two wouldn't last a day in the human world. "Humans are silly," Lyra said. "Everypony knows that Princess Celestia and Princess Luna are the almighty. What's a 'god' anyways?"

"Whoa, Lyra. If you were in my world, oh man, you would be ripped to shreds," I told her, being brutally honest.

The minty mare slightly shrank back in fear. "Y-you're joking, right?"

My face contorted into a serious stare. "No. If you went around saying that, your worst nightmares would be nothing compared to the troubles that would plague you. Humans are scarier than you think." I flashed an evil grin, for effect, of course. Lyra gulped, taking my words to heart. Ponies seem to get scared too easily.

"Well, lookit the time! I think we'd best get going," Lyra said hastily as she got up from the bench, not wanting to hear anymore of how scary humans could get.

"Really Lyra? I'm starting to get interested in-" Bon-Bon started before she was picked up and dragged off by the scared pony.

Hm. Maybe that wasn't such a good move. Now Lyra is probably afraid of me, or worse, of humans in general. Maybe next time we talk I'll try to move the topic to a brighter area. I got up from the bench, ready to go back to the library. I'm sure Twilight's got a couple questions down, and if possible, I could tell her all the stuff I just told the mare pair. I'm sure she'd be intrigued by that.

First Day Back - Part 2
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Misadventures of that Babysitter Guy

First Day Back - Part 2

*BRRIIING!*

The bell sounded off as colts and fillies dashed out of the Ponyville schoolhouse. "Have a great day everypony! See you tomorrow!" Cherilee called out after the children. While most of the foals exiting the schoolhouse were happy to be free for the day, three little fillies making their way out the door were less than enthusiastic.

To the Cutie Mark Crusaders, a great crusading day was definitely needed to make up for this rotten school day. Today, Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon had come to school with bracelets that had their cutie-marks engraved into them. Of course, the two of them being, well, them, they absolutely had to show off these bracelets to everypony. Of course, this lead the two to verbally attack anypony that lacked a cutie mark, namely, the Crusaders.

The trio walked on the paved path towards the exit of the school, passing the playground and inwardly groaning at the two rich brats still showing off their bracelets.

"...forget about 'em girls," Apple Bloom said as she caught the other Crusaders leering at the bracelet-wielding duo. "We've got crusadin' to do, and we can't let those two distract us!"

Scootaloo sighed. "Yeah, you're right. So, what are we gonna do today?"

"Do something stupid that doesn't get your cutie-marks?" Diamond Tiara offered sarcastically, she and her accomplice approaching the Crusaders.

"Hey, our crusading is not stupid!" Sweetie Belle defended.

"Then why haven't you gotten your cutie-marks yet?" Silver Spoon sneered.

Sweetie Belle was taken aback, unsure as to how she should retaliate. Scootaloo stepped up to the plate. "There's just so many things to try, that's all! We'll get our cutie-marks eventually!"

"And by that time, we'd have a hundred bracelets with our cutie-marks!" Diamond Tiara taunted, the brats laughing. It was Apple Bloom's turn to bat.

"Who cares about some dumb bracelets? They just prove you're a show-off!"

"And they also prove you don't have cutie-marks, and we do!" The tiara-wearing filly shot back, laughing again.

Apple Bloom huffed, but Sweetie Belle managed to stop her from saying any more. "C'mon Apple Bloom, let's just go. Besides, remember what Wyatt said? 'Don't give them a reaction'."

"Oh, you're still going on about that 'human'?" The grey filly asked skeptically.

"We didn't make him up!" Scootaloo defended.

"Oh, sure," Diamond Tiara started. She switched to a tone of voice resembling an idiot's, "Oh hey everypony, we just got back from the world of a thing called a 'human'! They have 'hands for grabbing' and 'walk on two legs'!"

"And that's not all!" said a voice from behind the crowd that gathered around the fight. The Crusaders were the first to turn their heads around and see the source of the voice.

"Wyatt!" all three of them exclaimed.

As I continued my trek to the library, I wondered where exactly I was going. You'd think that a giant tree for a library would be easy to find, but it's actually pretty hard, considering there were plenty of trees that looked like it. I continued to wander, walking by the schoolhouse. I wonder if the crusaders are out of school? Or in it? It was summer, but as far as I had seen in the show, they went there during any season.

That was when I noticed a small crowd of ponies in the school's yard. Well, that answers that question.

"...They just prove you're a show-off!" Who's a show-off?

"And they also prove you don't have cutie-marks, and we do!" Was that...tiara bitch? Curious, I hopped over one of the fences and into the school yard, approaching the crowd.

"Oh, you're still going on about that 'human'?"

As I reached the crowd, I saw who was currently in verbal combat: The Cutie-Mark Crusaders vs. The Rich Bitches. Shocker, I know.

"We didn't make him up!"

So hey, I guess this would be a better time than any to explain something to you. If you remember my first official day in Equestria, then you'd know that I said I was shown off to all the ponies. That was kinda true, but also kinda not. Y'see, I have a tendency to exaggerate, and that was one of those times. I wasn't seen by all the ponies, just a majority. Evidently, The Rich Bitches didn't fall under that majority.

"Oh hey everypony, we just got back from the world of a thing called a 'human'! They have 'hands for grabbing' and 'walk on two legs'!"

Let's shut this bitch up. "And that's not all!" The ponies' attention turned to me. The Crusaders smiled when they saw me.

"Wyatt!" The three exclaimed. Some were awed, others already knew who I was. Nonetheless, a small crowd of school-ponies formed in front of me, taking the attention away from the fight and, more importantly, The Rich Bitches.

Diamond Tiara's mouth was agape. "Bu-but...what!?"

I gave her a smug smirk. "So uh, what was it you were saying about humans? Please, tell me. I'm curious." Apple Bloom flashed a grin as smug as mine.

"See, told ya we didn't make 'im up."

Diamond Tiara was without words. Silver Spoon wasn't.

"You never told us how fat he was!" They laughed again, Diamond Tiara regaining her earlier confidence. Now, I'll admit, I'm fat. But not obese. Just fat. And honestly, I didn't think it was even that noticeable, unless I were to run around without a shirt on. Oh, by the way, you're welcome for that mental image.

I put my hand over my chest and made a grunt of mock pain. "Oh, oh my feels. You just hurt 'em so bad." I lied on the ground in the fetal position, acting as if I was traumatized. "Oh wait," I said, getting up, "no you didn't. Try harder."

The bitch pair looked a little surprised at my reaction, as I would've expected. They were probably used to pushing a pony's buttons and getting them riled up. Sucks for them that I don't care about what people say about me. Still attempting to fight a pointless battle, Diamond Tiara retaliated. "Well...he looks dumb in those glasses!"

Ah, children. Shitty at making insults, as always. "Oh, and the grey one doesn't?" I pointed out, looking at Silver Spoon. She looked a little hurt, but kept her "intimidating" demeanor up. It was at this point that I could tell they were struggling in finding insults.

"Well...I-I bet he doesn't even have a cutie mark! Ha! Beat that!" Silver Spoon was pretty confident in her choice of words. Not for long.

"Humans don't get cutie marks." I took a moment to let the news sink in for them before continuing. "And y'know, if you think your cutie marks are so awesome, what do they mean? Seriously, a tiara and a spoon? Did you get them because of a useful talent? I wouldn't think so. I bet you're so spoiled, even your cutie marks represent how rotten you are. Must suck to be you two."

The duo were at a loss for words. Their mouths moved like they wanted to say something, but nothing came. Their next course of action was turning around, running away to, I assume, formulate better insults to throw at me, and look back at me blowing their tongues out the whole time.

I stood and watched them run away for awhile before turning around and making my way to the exit. "Welp, see ya," I said, departing. As was expected, I was followed by three fillies that I knew well, even before making it to the fences.

"What happened to 'don't give them a reaction'?" Scootaloo asked jokingly as the girls strolled next to me.

I shrugged, "I never said you couldn't tell 'em off. It's more satisfying, but it's also harder to do. Unless the bullies are dumb. Like them."

Sweetie was a bit unsure. "I don't know, don't you think you were a little hard on them?"

I scoffed. "What about them? They seem to be hard on you all the time. If anything, they deserved that." The four of us were oddly silent after my remark, simply walking down the pathway hoping to get to my destination. Eventually, Apple Bloom said something.

"Wyatt, where were you headin' in the first place?"

I sucked air through my teeth. "I...was gonna go to the library, but I have no idea where it is."

It was Apple Bloom's turn to scoff. "Is that all? We know exactly how ta git there! Follow us!"

"Right this way, sir," Sweetie said, trying to imitate an attendant of sorts, giggling a little. Well, it was either this or more wandering. Inwardly groaning due to resigning my fate to children, of all things, I walked behind them as they led the way.

Five minutes. It only took us a total of five fucking minutes to get to the library. I'd been walking around for at least an hour, no doubt going in circles, and we got here in five minutes.

"Easy-peasy," Scootaloo remarked, waving a hoof at the library. I swear she was mocking me.

"At least I know where this place is now. Thanks for your help."

"S'not a problem, Wyatt. We know this place like th' back a' our hooves," Apple Bloom said, chest puffing with pride.

Sweetie Belle beamed. "Oh! Oh! Maybe we could get tour guide cutie-marks!"

I opened the door to the tree-building as I looked at Sweetie skeptically. "Riiiight..." I stepped inside and was greeted with a groan from Twilight.

"Nothing, Spike. I've got nothing! How can I learn about human culture if I can't even think of good questions to ask!?" The purple pony was at a desk, a quill in her magical grip and several papers in front of her.

The baby dragon's voice resonated from another room. "I dunno Twi, I kinda liked the 'what foods do you eat' question."

"That's because you suggested it," the unicorn deadpanned.

Spike laughed. "I did, didn't I?"

"Uh, hi," I interrupted, causing Twilight to look up from her papers and notice me.

"Where did you disappear to?" The pony sounded almost like a mother chastising her child. "It's not exactly easy to think of a set of questions for interviewing a human when said human is gone."

"I went out for a little walk, sheesh." Twilight breathed deeply through her nose, and then out her mouth.

"Well, at least you're here now," she said, having calmed down. "So, maybe you thought of something while you were out?" She smiled, full of faith I had something in mind.

I thought back to the whole day I had to myself. There was meeting up with the Crusaders, fucking around in the market, and talking with Lyra and Bon-Bon. And that's when it hit me.

"Twilight, have you ever heard of something called 'religion'?" The unicorn's eyes lit up.

"No, what is it?" she asked, eager to learn more about humans.

"Yeah, what's religion?" came the voice of Scootaloo. I'd completely forgotten that the Crusaders were still behind me.

"I'll explain everything. Just take a seat." Doing as they were told, the three foals in the room sat on their haunches, ready for a good story. Twilight was over with a quill, an inkwell, and a few pieces of paper wrapped in her magical grip. "The story of religion stretches really far back, and it's a pretty long story-"

"Oh! Does it involve epic adventures and journeys?" Scootaloo excitedly inquired.

I sighed. "You could say that." Those weren't pretty times in history. "But as I was saying, religion's been around longer than anyone can remember, and it's basically shaped the several ways that humans live their lives."

My audience, listening intently, stayed silent as I went on.

In the two hours that had elapsed, I had given what I thought was an unbiased and informative lecture on religion, both the good and bad things that came with it (though I didn't get much into detail with the bad, so as to spare the children's virgin ears), and how it effected society both back then and in modern days. Questions were asked, most were answered, but few were left alone. Needless to say, Twilight had a treasure trove of human information.

I popped a few joints in my neck. "Alright, story time's over. I'm going home."

A collective "awwww...." resonated from the Crusaders.

"You'll be back soon, right?" Sweetie Belle asked, puppy-dog eyed.

"Well, yeah," I answered, "why wouldn't I be?"

"YAY!"

Once the ringing in my ears stopped, I turned to Twilight, who was looking over her papers and re-reading the information she wrote down. "Will that be enough info for you?"

She looked at me and smiled. "It'll definitely hold me over for awhile. I'll look over these notes again, and report my findings to Princess Celestia. This is so exciting!" She stopped for a moment. "...this doesn't mean I'm not gonna want more information."

"Yeah, yeah, I know."

"Maybe you should tell me about your government, or your historical figures, or-"

I covered her mouth with a cupped hand. "You just got a ton of historical back-story. I think you can save the pondering for what's next later." In truth, I just didn't want to have to anticipate what I'd have to explain next. I preferred the "surprise topic" approach.

I removed my hand from Twilight's mouth, then made my way to the portal. With a wave of good-bye to all ponies present, I entered the swirly vortex of doom and made my way back home.

The trip back to my closet was uneventful and short, the most exciting happening being that I actually minded the gap this time and didn't fall on my face. I opened the closet door and made my way out of the room, pondering over what might happen in my next venture into Equestria. The possibility that more human culture would be explained was a prevalent factor. But what else could happen? Equestria was a wild place of magic, happiness, and adventure, so really, anything was possible.

Would I travel across the world for a powerful MacGuffin?

Would I journey into the Everfree Forest to help a pony in need?

Would I be subjected to cheesy songs and lessons in friendship?

Only time could tell.

And tell it did. Seriously, things were slow at this point, but as time progressed, shit got weirder. And fortunately, I was along for the ride.

Beehives Are Serious Shit
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Misadventures of that Babysitter Guy

Beehives Are Serious Shit

Day 2 in Equestria; in reality a couple days after the first visit. This time, a little more stuff happened. Physical pain is involved in some way, too. If that doesn't hook your attention I don't know what will.

Beehives Are Serious Shit

July 1st, 9:23 A.M.

Who could ever hate bacon (besides some asshole vegetarians)? It's like meat candy. I don't know what gets better than that. Although, some bacon is definitely worse then others. And for breakfast, I had the worst of the worst.

I walked into my kitchen, an empty plate in hand. "As always, the eggs were good, ma. Although I can't say the same for the bacon..." For always and eternity, my mom liked to buy microwave bacon. And yes, it's as bad as it sounds.

"It's cheaper, Wyatt," she answered, rolling her eyes like she'd told me that over a thousand times (I'd wager ten thousand).

Always "Oh, it's cheaper!" with her. She clearly hasn't had pan-fried bacon in quite some time, or else her vision would be clouded by the evil microwave. It would explain why she doesn't remember how much better it tastes. Though today I didn't have time to think of bacon-related predicaments. Today was the day I was going back to Equestria the second time. And I thought of the perfect excuse to make sure nobody would wonder where I was.

"I'm gonna go outside and get some fresh air."

"That's the spirit, Wyatt!"

See? Perfect. Being a house-cat really lets some excuses fly. I proceeded to grab my shoes and put them on my feet, and then repeat the same thing I did last time: walk out, walk back in when nobody was looking, and then race upstairs into the portal. Hey, it wasn't the best plan, but nobody caught me last time, so I didn't doubt it.

I walked through the void-dimension place, making sure to mind the gap this time and got to the library.

*DING!*

Who the what?

"Hi Wyatt!" Our favorite purple mare greeted. "Glad to see the notification spell works."

"Notification spell?"

"Well, you remember how we had a problem of knowing when you came here?"

"Uh-huh."

"I cast a notification spell on the portal. It was hard at first, since the spell wouldn't consider the portal a valid target, (the spell's usually used for doors to shops if they don't have bells), but I finally got it to work! Isn't that great?" Maybe she was just bored before I came in, but Twilight really sounded like she was enthusiastic about explaining the spell to me.

"Amazing," I said, uninterested.

The exasperated purple pony let out a sigh. "The least you could do is pretend to be interested."

"Sorry," I began, "but sometimes I can pretend, and sometimes I can't. It just depends on my mood."

She let out another sigh, this one shorter and sounding more irritated. "Alright, fine. Can we just get to your culture?"

I pulled out a seat and sat in it. "Ready when you are."

Twilight sat herself down in the chair across from me, setting a drink of what I would assume to be tea on the table we sat at. She also pulled out a notepad, which had the questions on it.

"Now, can you tell me about human history?" Not a bad question, because like Bon-Bon, I enjoy history (though there are lots of bits I forget). The problem is, however, Twilight didn't specify on what exactly she wanted to hear about.

"What part of my history do you want to know about?" I asked her.

"Oh, um...just start from the beginning if you would, please." Oh, yes, totally. I can recall all of human history back to the fucking beginning of time. The pony across from me could not be serious. Before I could even think of something, though, the door to the library opened and slammed quickly.

"Oh, hey Wyatt," I heard Spike greet before turning his attention to Twilight. "I tried Twilight," he began, his voice slightly trembling, "but I couldn't climb the tree branch, and then I got so frustrated that I threw a rock at it, and then they all chased after me until I came in here."

The baby dragon sounded freaked out about something, but what?

Twilight got up from her seat and went over to hug Spike. "I was worried, Spike. You didn't get stung, did you?"

"Nah, I'm alright. I probably shouldn't have insisted on getting rid of them."

Wait. I'm gonna put this conversation on (||) pause and piece together the information they've just given me. They're talking about something on a branch, something that can sting you, and something that...chases...you...oh shit. Okay, hit the play (|>) button.

"Sorry for the interruption, Wyatt. Spike and I were trying to remove that beehive outside on the library. Surely you've seen it?"

(||). KNEWITKNEWITKNEWITKNEWITKNEWITKNEWITKNEWIT. I was right! And no, that's not a good thing. How do I put this lightly?

I. FUCKING. HATE. BEES.

Lightly enough for you? I don't care. Those little shits have been one of the things I hate most about having to exist on Earth. I've never been stung, mind you (lucky me), but I am absolutely terrified of them. If one even lands in my general vicinity I will be out of there in a heart-beat.

Okay. (|>) Play.

"Yeah, I've seen it," I answered, trying my best not to freak out at the mere mention of the hated insects.

The dragon sighed. "Man, that thing's been out there forever. You sure we can't just call someone in to take care of it?" he asked the purple pony.

"Sorry, Spike. You know we're a little tight on bits right now."

"Because you just had to pay for everypony's spa treatment last week," the dragon muttered under his breath.

"We may just have to wait a little longer before we can get rid of it, Spike."

"But Twilight, haven't you noticed, they're actually getting inside the library."

"WAIT, WHAT!?"

Both cartoons looked at me, having recoiled from my outburst. My eyes were darting around the room, looking for any sign of the little fuckers.

"Wyatt," the lavender mare began, "are you okay?"

I looked at the pony and regained my composure. "Yeah, yeah, I'm fine." I still searched the room.

Twilight continued her conversation with Spike. "No, I didn't know that."

"I found a couple in the kitchen this morning. Took awhile to shoo them out, but I'm sure there's more where they came from."

"This is more serious than I thought, then." the bookworm put a hoof to her chin in thought.

Y'know, I can't stand being around bees. I've established this. What I haven't established, however, is that I doubly so can't stay in a house infested with bees (probably wouldn't have been that hard to figure out, though). That being said, what words I selected to say shocked even myself.

"I'll take care of it."

The duo looked at me again, relief in their eyes. "You mean it?" Twilight asked.

"I'll try my best. I make no guarantees, though." And by 'no guarantees', I mean that I'll probably give up after two tries.

"Oh, thank you. I guess that's one less thing to worry about today."

"So does this mean you're still gonna have the get-together today?" Spike asked Twilight.

"Yep. As long as there's no bees to worry about, the girls' invites still stand."

Spike rushed for the stairs, "In that case, I gotta get ready for Rarity!"

I grunted at Spike, and headed outside to face my doom. It wasn't a bad day in Ponyville (at least to everyone else's standards). Sky was clear, sun was bright, and all that. Didn't seem like the perfect setting for what I was about to do. I took a left and then turned to face the library, and there it was.

The hive.

I couldn't believe I was actually doing this. The thing I feared most, and I was going up against a whole colony of them. Might as well get started. Now, I've learned that when bees sense smoke, they go into a calm mode and don't attack. So if I start up a fire (a controlled one, mind you), and get the smoke to move towards the hive, maybe I can do this.

To start a fire, I was gonna need something flammable, so I went to another tree, yanked off a bit of loose bark and grabbed some twigs, and then arranged it into a neat pile below the hive. Now came the lighter.

Promptly, I went back into the library and walked up the stairs. Spike was in the bathroom, gussying himself up, cologne being sprayed all over his body. He was exactly who I needed at the moment.

The baby dragon was admiring himself in the mirror. "Oh yeah, Spike. You look gooood. Rarity is all-GAH!" Took him long enough to notice me. "W-Wyatt! Learn to knock or something!" he yelled, a small blush forming on his face.

"Yeah, sorry. Look, I'm gonna need you for a moment."

Spike hopped off of the stool he was using to look in the mirror. "What is it?" he asked, still recovering from his shock.

"Come on outside," I said as I began to lead him down the stairs. We went out the door , and I took him to the pile of wood. "Light this on fire."

He looked to the pile, and then me, an eyebrow raised. "Why?"

"Just do it."

With little convincing, Spike obeyed. He breathed in, aimed at the pile, then let out a small puff of green fire. It was just enough to get some of the wood lit, and before long, the whole pile was a heap of green fire. The heat could be felt from a couple feet away, so I knew it was a good fire.

"Alright, you're done," I told the baby dragon.

He scampered inside, hoping he wouldn't have to re-apply his cologne.

As the fire burned, the smoke began to billow, making it's course up to the hive. I decided I'd give it a good few minutes before I tried going up and removing it.

Scootaloo moaned, annoyed. "What haven't we done?"

Sweetie Belle conveniently pulled out a checklist. She gave it a hard look, then crumpled it up and tossed it. "Nothing. We've done everything on the list."

"But that thing had over a-hundred skills n' talents!" Apple Bloom moped.

"And we did them all," Sweetie sadly informed her friends.

All three of them sighed and continued on their path, drooping their heads and letting their hooves take them wherever. It was after a minute or so that Apple Bloom decided to look up. What she saw confused her.

"Girls," she began, pointing in the direction she was looking in. "Is that...Wyatt?" She had been looking at the Golden Oaks Library, and in fact, saw a bipedal creature.

Scootaloo squinted. "Yeah, I think it is."

Sweetie noticed something else. "What's he doing with that ladder?"

"Looks like he's climbin' the library," the yellow filly thought out loud.

The girls glanced to the right, then gasped.

"There's a fire, too!" Scootaloo shouted.

Sweetie turned to the other two fillies. "Girls, are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

The three shared a look of realization, then all at once, shouted, "CUTIE-MARK CRUSADERS FIRE-FIGHTERS!"

I was doing good so far. I got up the tree and onto the branch, and now all I had to do was shimmy towards the hive and hopefully knock it into the fire. The smoke wasn't too thick, and I could see the hive pretty well through it. I inched forward bit by bit, the horrible collective home of the bees getting closer and closer. It was here that I could hear their buzzing. It sounded as though the whole colony was calm, and that the smoke was keeping them that way.

*SPLASH!*

What was that?

"Don't worry, Wyatt! The fire's out! You can come down now!"

Scootaloo? Wait, the fire WHAT!?

"Did we get anythang?" Apple Bloom asked as she turned to look at her flank. The other two followed suit, and the three heaved a collective sigh at their bare flanks.

I, on the other hand, was scared shitless now that the smoke had fully dissipated.

"Girls," I asked in a calm tone, my anger not well-hidden, "do you even realize what you've done?"

"We put out a fire and didn't get our cutie-marks!" Sweetie Belle moaned.

I began to slowly shimmy backwards, hoping to not disturb the bees. As I did so, I pointed to the hive to get their attention. "No, you just got rid of my safeguard against these bees. They could attack at any. Moment."

"Fire makes bees not attack?" Apple Bloom scratched her head at the thought.

"No. It's the smoke. And since you put that fire out, there's no smoke." I continued to make my way backwards, still hoping to God I didn't anger the bees.

"Ohhhh," the three harmoniously rang out.

Then, I did it. I got to the end of the branch, onto the ladder, and began my descent. Unfortunately, however, my moving down the ladder was a bit too shaky, and shook the branch it leaned on.

*Bzzzzz!*

"Shitshitshitshitshitshitshit," came the words from my mouth at a machine-gun pace.

Having no time to climb down the ladder completely, I jumped off of it and, miraculously, sustained no injuries. The bees began to materialize out of their hive, becoming a dark cloud.

"GIRLS, GET INSIDE, NOW!" I yelled to the crusaders, who ran into the library screaming at the sight of the bees.

I bolted from the ground and right to the door, getting into the library and slamming the door shut at a pace so fast I didn't even realize what I was doing. My heart was pounding too fast, and sweat trickled off my face. I was breathing heavily, so much so that I ran out of breath from exhaling each time.

"I take it things didn't go too well?"

Twilight came from around the corner, wearing a sorry look on her face. However, she looked a little surprised at 2 things. 1. I was un-stung. 2. The Cutie-Mark Crusaders were now in here.

"Oh girls," the purple one asked the three fillies, "did you somehow get mixed into this?"

"As a matter of fact," I began, "they did. They put out my fire. Now I have to re-light it."

"Fire?" The librarian asked, confused.

"Yes." I was irritated that I'd have to explain this countless times. "Smoke makes bees calm. You're telling me you don't know this?"

Twilight took a notepad and quill and wrote something down. "I do now," she added. Honestly, with all her reading, you'd think she'd have figured that out.

Outside, it took about five minutes before the bees dissipated and went back into their hive, now on "caution" mode, or some shit like that.

"Hey Twilight, you have any matches?" It'd be better than bothering Spike, I supposed.

She looked around a bit, before finding some in a cabinet and responding, "Here's some, but don't use the whole pack, please." She used her magic to float them over to me, and I took them eagerly. It was then that two mares entered the building: Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie. The moment Pinkie saw me, she went into "hardcore joker" mode (as if normal joker wasn't bad enough).

"PEEKABOO!" She yelled as she dashed right into my face.

"Fuck!" I stumbled back a bit. "Pinkie, why would you think that'd make me laugh?"

"Becaaaause sometimes when people get scared over silly things, they usually laugh afterwards! Well, did it work?"

I put my hand to my chin in mock thought before answering, "Nope."

"Awww," Pinkie pouted, "come on Mr. Grumpy! There's gotta be something that'll make you smile! Anything! Just tell me, pleeeease!"

My stern expression stood, leaving her question unanswered. I, in turn, asked her a question.

"You really aren't gonna let this go, are you?"

"Nope!" She replied, in a sort of mockery of my answer.

"You should see how far she takes these things," Rainbow Dash commented, "Cranky Doodle Donkey is a good example of that."

"Yeah, I'd know," I muttered, moving towards the door for round 2. Once I got out and walked outside, I repeated the whole process of getting wood and piling it together. I struck a couple matches, and I had myself a fire in no time. "Let's hope someone doesn't put it out again," I thought out loud.

"And we'll be here to make sure nopony does!"

Guess the Crusaders can teleport or something.

"You promise?" I asked them, not even flinching from their sudden presence.

"Yeah!" They all shouted at once.

After our little exchange, I made sure the smoke was billowing up into the hive again, and climbed up with the ladder. I shimmied on the branch again, getting closer and closer to the hive. This time these assholes would be beaten. I just knew it.

The trio stared intently at the fire, only taking their eyes off of it to check their surroundings. They were determined to make up for the mistake they made earlier, however possible.

"How's the fire look on yer end, Scoots?" Apple Bloom asked.

"Not bad. Sweetie Belle?"

"Bright as ever."

They kept staring.

And staring.

And-

Sweetie Belle let out a big yawn. This caused a chain reaction between the three, who kept yawning, feeling drowsier with each inhale.

"Girls," Apple Bloom addressed the other two, her eyes heavy.

"Yeah?" Sweetie and Scootaloo asked simultaneously, eyes just as heavy.

"Watchin' fire's kinda-" she was interrupted by another yawn escaping, "-borin'..."

The others nodded (off) in agreement.

Soon enough, everything went black.

Three ponies were making their way to Golden Oaks, ready to have a get together with Twilight. These ponies were Applejack, Rarity, and Fluttershy. The three walked side by side, having decided to go as a group when they met each other while doing errands.

"I wonder if Twilight ever picked up that tea I recommended..." Rarity thought out loud as they trotted along, attempting to make conversation between the trio. As they made the turn towards the library, the three noticed something terribly wrong next to the tree.

Fire.

"Oh goodness! What happened!?" Fluttershy panicked.

"I dunno, but we gotta get over there and put it out fast!" Applejack commanded as the three rushed towards the giant tree. As they arrived, they saw something else that gave them quite a shock.

The Cutie-Mark Crusaders were unconscious around the fire.

"Rarity! Fluttershy! Take the fillies in! Ah'll put this out!"

Applejack turned away from the fire and used her hind legs to kick dirt onto the fire. Meanwhile, Fluttershy and Rarity set the fillies on their backs and rushed inside the library. After a solid five seconds, the fire was deeply buried, thanks to Bucky McGiligiddy and Kicks McGee.

Applejack took a few short breaths as the smoke cleared. "Ya done good Applejack, whew, ya done good." She proceeded to enter the library, hoping the little fillies were alright.

My hand was inches away from the hive, ready to grab it by its stalk. Sweet victory would be mine! That's when I heard hooves hitting the ground.

"Rarity! Fluttershy! Take the fillies in! Ah'll put this out!"

Oh shit. Before I could speak up, however, the fire was out. Soon enough, the smoke was gone too.

"Ya done good Applejack, whew, ya done good."

The door shut, and I was alone with the bugs. Again. Not giving a fuck about if this would hurt or how shaky I was, I moved around on the branch a bit, climbed down the ladder halfway, and jumped off. This, unsurprisingly, angered the bees. Once again, I darted to the door and slammed right through it, and then shut it with great force. Once again, I was breathing heavily, with a pounding heart and sweat to boot.

Fluttershy and Rarity set the three fillies down and checked them for any burns. The other three mares in the room gathered around to see what the commotion was about.

"So they were unconscious around the fire?" Twilight asked.

"Yes, although they don't look hurt in any way," answered Fluttershy.

They stirred a bit, and then woke up.

"Is...is the fire out?" asked a drowsy Sweetie Belle.

Rarity gave Sweetie a worried hug.

"Oh yes, Sweetie! Don't worry, Applejack's putting it out right now!"

"But that's exactly the opposite of what we want!"

"What?"

Applejack entered the library and rushed over to the fillies.

"Are they alright?" asked Applejack to Fluttershy.

"No visible burns anywhere," the animal-lover answered.

"Are we alright!? What about Wyatt!?" Scootaloo questioned.

"Wyatt?" The three mares who just arrived wondered.

They heard the door open, then slam shut immediately after. The ponies in the room looked up and saw Wyatt, breathing heavily. His face was a mixture of absolute terror and anger.

I looked around the room, and then saw her. The farmer.

"You," I pointed to Applejack. "You just had to be a hero, didn't you?"

"Ah'm sorry," she replied, "it was a misunderstandin'."

I ignored her. "Because of you, I could've been stung badly! Do you even know how disastrous that would've been for me!?"

"Yer're not allergic, are ya?"

"No. But it would've meant I've been stung in my lifetime!"

All ponies face-hoofed, (except Pinkie, who didn't really care). But hey, I expected those reactions. Nobody understands it, and frankly, I don't much either. I'll put it this way: I've never been stung, and I'd like to keep it that way.

"Y'know, you don't have to do this, Wyatt," Twilight said.

"No. I'm gonna do it. Twice they've almost got me. I need revenge!" I yelled as I burst out of the library, its exterior clear of bees yet again.

The human ran out of the library, still determined to take down the bees. Several of the ponies questioned his sanity, and considered scheduling an appointment with the local psychiatrist to get his head checked. They could've sworn they heard maniacal laughter outside.

Spike, having been upstairs most of the time, came down. His scales were shining, and he smelled strongly of cheap cologne.

"Hey guys. What'd I miss?" He asked as he walked down the stairs.

"Oh, not much. Wyatt's just gone mad is all," Pinkie said casually as she went into the kitchen and raided Twilight's fridge.

"What exactly is Wyatt doing, anyways?" asked Fluttershy.

"Oh, that beehive out there is causing problems and he's trying to get rid of it. That's all." Twilight answered.

"Twilight, you could've asked me to get rid of them. I'm also good with bugs, you know."

This was it. The grand fire. Nobody would put it out this time. The smoke would hit the hive, I'd knock it down, and it would fall into the fire. It would burn. All the insects inside would burn to death. It. Was. PERFECT!

"You're dead this time, you little shits," I told the bees, who were comfortably nestled in their hive. I repeated the process of grabbing the ladder, climbing the tree, and getting on the branch. I shimmied once again, ready to end this conflict. That's when Fluttershy just came out of nowhere.

"Wyatt, um, could you stop, please? Twilight said you don't have to do this anymore. I'm taking over."

I turned to face her.

"Ha, no."