Chapters The Great Hawt-to-ya Purchase!
Author's Note
Written by OP!
The Great Hawt-to-ya Purchase!
“No, no, no!” The feathers on the griffon’s neck puffed out, underscoring his boiling frustration. “You can’t name your cupcake delivery service ‘Hawt-to-Ya;’ that is a blatant infringement on my company’s good name!”
Pinkie Pie snorted, but tried to keep a friendly face. She wasn’t happy that she was upsetting a potential friend, but the griffon would come around after she cleared things up. “Come on, Mr. Gizzard, it’s funny!”
“Funny? Funny ?!” Mr. Gizzard clenched his claws leaving talon marks on the wooden floor of Sugarcube Corner. “My father made Hawk-To-Yah sixty-nine years ago, growing it to become the most successful griffon-owned package and parcel delivery service. I spent the better part of my adult life expanding into Equestria to the great success of many! I create jobs! I am a vital part of your town’s infrastructure! And you want to just use my company’s name without repercussion because you are friends with royalty?! Forget it!”
“Pfft… how many years ago, you said?”
The griffon raised his claw, pointing a dagger of keratin at her snout causing her to go crosseyed. “Listen here, you filly, I--”
“No wayyyy! Hawk Tuah guy! Spit on that thang!” cheered Lyra from across the dining area. Puffs of white powdered sugar plumed into the air when she enunciated the P in “spit.”
“Why is everyone saying that? I never spat on anything, damn it!”
“Don’t worry, Mr. Giz, it’s just a silly joke that’s going around,” Pinkie Pie chirped with a smile.
The griffon’s feathers slowly fell back flat against his neck, though frustration still drew his eyebrows taut. “A joke, you say?” Gizzard’s eyes dropped away from Pinkie and he scratched his chin with a claw. “A joke… hm, that could either be good or bad for the company,” he muttered. “It could get the word out, but it could also strain our reputation… Pinkie!” Mr Gizzard returned his voice to an audible level.
“Yes sir?” the pony flinched at the sudden change in volume.
“Pray tell, what is this joke?”
“You’re kidding, right? It’s kind of obvious,” Pinkie Pie looked around the room, hoping to make eye contact with somepony else who would step in and break the truth to the griffon. She was under the impression he already knew. The idea that he might get even more angry than he was at the moment put needles in her stomach. If she got yelled at in public by a customer again, Mr. Cake might get on her case.
“I never ‘kid’ because I am fifty four years old. I’m not a hatchling. Now spill the beans and maybe I don’t need to take you to court over this naming fiasco. Who knows, we might be able to work a partnership out.”
“Oh, partnership!” Pinkie’s hair curl sprung up. That’s a friend adjacent word, right? “Well, I’ll have you know that my delivery service has already catered to each and every major location in Ponyville since its inception a few months ago. I think we can make a looooot of bits together~!”
“Hmm, yes, I’m glad to hear that you are making money with my intellectual property. Now, the joke, Pinkie Pie.”
“Oh, well…” Pinkie walked out from behind the counter. “Let’s go into the side room. There’s little foals nearby.”
“Pluck my feathers, this can’t be good,” Gizzard grumbled under his breath as he followed in step.
“Cut that out, Mr. Hawk! That’s not your tuna, spit it out,” Fluttershy scolded a red-tailed hawk, the most recent addition to her expansive family. Feeding her carnivorous friends left a pit in her stomach. Her most recent work-around was to order frozen tuna filets from the griffon-lands. That way, she didn’t have to use whole fish from the river, and there was far more meat on those huge tuna fish, so it kept her indirect kill count low. An issue, though, was that the fish shipments didn’t arrive on time this week, and now she had to ration the remainders. If worst came to worst, she would have to go back to the creek and…
“Oh goodness me.”
Fluttershy picked up the sliver of tuna she took from the hawk and chewed it. Bleh… the taste of iron and salt made her delirious.
“Hrk- ptwah.”
Fluttershy spit a chewed wad of meat onto a small china plate where Gummy sat expectantly.
“Ok, eat up little guy, and then we can get you back home!” Fluttershy cooed. The tiny alligator was feeling under the weather, so she was keeping an eye on him, though the little guy perked up rather quickly after hanging around with her other lizards. He probably just wanted some company.
Gummy made quick work of his meal.
“I suppose I can stop by the post office after I drop you off… yeah, that sounds like a good idea,” she spoke, half to herself and half to Gummy. The lizard gave a slow blink in response.
A small polaroid of a Barred Hawk lay flat against the cold metal of a table separating Pinkie and Mr. Gizzard. The griffon only was able to steal half-second glances as the overhead lamp kept swinging its cone of light out of view. Whenever the lamp settled, Pinkie would reach up and give it another nudge.
“Would you cut that out? It’s giving me a headache. Also, why do you keep this room so dark and… brr… so cold?”
“It’s for the ambiance,” Pinkie stated, reaching up for another nudge before Mr. Gizzard grabbed her hoof and brought it back down to the table.
“Thank you.” The griffon turned his gaze down to the picture of the hawk. “I don’t get it, what is that supposed to be?”
“Morphnarchus princeps, though it’s kind of hard to tell,” came a soft voice from behind Pinkie Pie. The room’s overhead lights were flicked on by the unknown visitor, causing the other two to shield their eyes.
“Who in Tartarus is this?” Gizzard wondered aloud. He was hoping to keep the number of crazies he had to interact with today down to a minimal.
“Oh oh oh! Fluttershy! What’re you doing here?” Pinkie bounded out of her chair and embraced her friend.
“I was dropping Gummy off after his little get together with the other reptiles. I just wanted to say hello, but I can see you're busy. I’ll come back later,” she said, barely above a whisper.
“Well at least let me introduce you to my newest friend! Fluttershy, this is Mr. Gantree Gizzard, shipping extraordinaire. Mr. Gizzard, this is Fluttershy. She loves animals.”
“A pegasus?” the griffon cleared his throat. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Fluttershy, I do apologize for my language” Mr. Gizzard gave a soft ruffle of his wings, a courteous greeting amongst sky-friends.
“Oh how gentlemanly, though it’s just Ms. Fluttershy for now,” she giggled as she ruffled her wings in response. “You’re with Hawk-To-Ya, aren't you?”
“But of course,” Gizzard smirked. “I see my name precedes me.”
“I don’t mean to be a bother, but I had ordered some tuna for the week and it hasn’t arrived. I was going to go to the post office, but now that you’re here--”
“Do not fear, my dear mare,” Mr. Gizzard took Fluttershy’s hoof into his claws. “I was visiting Ponyville to track down an issue with our delivery route. I promise that I will attend to your needs with great care.”
“O-oh my.”
“Hey, wait a second, I thought you were here to sue--” Pinkie Pie’s lips were suddenly pressed shut by a single talon from Mr. Gizzard.
“To sue for peace between our two companies!” Gizzard continued. “Why, Pinkie Pie and I are planning on doing a merger.”
“Yippie! And I didn’t even have to explain the joke!”
“Joke? I like jokes,” Fluttershy smiled and batted her eyes, causing Mr. Gizzard’s plumage to ripple.
“I, well, uh…” he stammered. “Ms. Pie is doing a spinoff on the Hawk-To-Ya brand with her Hawt-To-Ya cupcake service. A simple play on words, haha”
“I guess that is kind of funny,” Fluttershy agreed.
“Wha- no! That isn’t it at all,” Pinkie scoffed. “It’s the sound of the company name. Are you guys foals, or what?”
Mr. Gizzard looked to Fluttershy, hoping to gain some unspoken enlightenment on the situation. As he expected, the mare wore a confused expression just like he did. “I suppose we are, Ms. Pie.”
“Uh, well… Gosh I was ready to explain it to you, but Fluttershy is throwing me off. I like to keep it PG around her.”
“I’m a grown mare, I can handle it.”
“Alrighty rooney. Well, first I think we should all sound it out. Say it with me, Hawk--”
“To-Ya,” Fluttershy and Gizzard repeated.
“Ok, a little faster now, Hawk--”
“Toya?”
“Tooah.”
“Ooh ooh ooh! Fluttershy got it!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed while jumping up and down.
“I… did?” the mare looked back over to Gizzard, exchanging their expressions just as before.
“What’s there to get?” Gizzard growled, the impatience in his voice returning. He mentally chided himself for raising his voice in front of such a magnificent mare (one with wings, no less).
“You know, Hawk-Tuah,” Pinkie replied. “Like spitting on something.”
“Egads,” Mr. Gizzard slumped back into his chair. “The company is the butt of a joke about coughing up spit, how distasteful.” A pink hoof reached across the table and tilted his chin up. He locked eyes with Pinkie Pie, who wore a dead serious expression.
“No, there’s more.”
“Please, no.”
“Hawk-Tuah, spit on that Thang.”
“What’s the thing?” Fluttershy asked, sitting on the storeroom’s floor.
“Thang, ” Pinkie pie corrected. “Thang…”
Even though griffons have a layer of fine hair over their cheeks, a perceptive eye could see them blush or even turn green when they were sick. Mr. Gizzard was as pale as an eggshell.
“What is the thang, Pinkie Pie,” Gizzard said slowly, the words precipitating from the air as the space around the griffon grew cold. “I need to know… What. Is. The. Thang?”
Pinkie Pie swiveled her head to Fluttershy and stared at her with intent. That yellow mare could handle maybe four bad words a day, two off-color jokes, and one good scare before rolling up like a pillbug. It was noon and Fluttershy was at home all day looking after Gummy… Yeah, that’s good enough.
“Penis,” Pinkie said.
“Oh roast me over a fire,” Gizzard blubbered, sinking from his chair to the floor in a gelatinous mass.
“Eep!” Fluttershy covered her face with her wings. “Why would anypony say such a thing?”
“Y-yes, why indeed!” the griffon mustered, climbing off of the floor. “Surely this is some sort of mistake. Surely we can run some positive PR and dispel the association. I- … We must! I already signed contracts with Manehattan and Fillydelphia… I can’t pull back now.”
“No, it isn’t a mistake,” Pinkie said matter of factly. It was a hard bandaid to pull off, but her experience with friend-making has given her a tried and true algorithm to befriend even the most delusional and desperate creatures. At the moment, she was on section 3a, step 2, paragraph 4:
Be Honest :)
“It’s because you clear your nose out when you make the hurrkk sound, yeah? Well, usually you just spit out the green mucusy snot glob onto the ground, but sometimes that isn’t very mare-like, so that’s when I just swallow it like nothing happened,” Pinkie continued to Gizzard’s dismay. Fluttershy dry heaved.
“Yeah, well, when the griffons came into town with their moving wagons and the big ol’ ‘Hawk-To-Ya’ label on the side, I said to Mr. Waddles, who I was trying to make smile at the time because he lost his dentures -- don't worry I dug up some teeth for him--, anyway I said, ‘Hey Mr. Waddles, that sounds like this!’”
Pinkie let out a guttural snort and spat a snot rocket that splat against the wall across the room.
“Pinkie Pie!” Fluttershy gasped, a rare note of anger lacing her shock. She turned to look at the glob. It was not translucent.
Fluttershy dry heaved again.
“So, Mr. Waddles gets a kick out of this and smiles real big, giving me just enough time to wedge the teeth I found into his gums.” Pinkie Pie put down another polaroid onto the table with the old, prunish pony smiling big and wide. His teeth glistened with luster. “And now he looks great!”
Mr. Gizzard stared at Pinkie Pie, his feathers starting to poof up again.
“Oh, and you spit the snot on a stallion’s dick before sucking him. It’s funny because it’s gross.”
“Gah!” the griffon clutched his heart as if Pinkie’s words were bullets.“You… You did this?!” Gizzard snarled. Though it shamed him to show his anger in the presence of such an angelic pegasi, that pink, cackling demon was going to be the downfall of the Gizzard legacy. “You scoundrel! You saboteur! You work for PonyLand Postal, I know it! Damn you, foul trickster, you saw one look at my company and spread a dirty lie. Griffons have beaks, we can’t suck with our mouths. There’s no way my company would do that intentionally. We don’t suck!” The griffon’s emotional shuttlecock was being smacked back and forth between the conspiracies that sparked in his mind. “And-and-and you decided to capitalize on it!” he wagged his finger as he took disheveled steps to the door, still reeling from the shock of the situation. “Your company will never make it out of the courthouse, Pinkamena, never!”
The door slammed behind him.
“He seems awfully upset,” Fluttershy said to Pinkie.
“Yeah. Hmm. I guess I’ll get him to be friends during settlement,” Pinkie Pie sighed. It wouldn’t be the first time she’s gone to the courthouse. Maybe it was the twelfth time? She couldn’t remember.
“You think you’ll be able to?”
“I dunno, he does seem kinda wound up.”
The two sat in silence for a few minutes.
“Maybe he’d be more relaxed after some Hawk Tuah,” Fluttershy said.
“Bwahaha, you silly bitch!” Pinkie laughed with her belly.
“Tee hee!”
And then Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy injected ketamine. Their NMDA receptors were flicked off like a light switch, the darkness of the room expanding to encompass more than that: a darkness of the mind. Each mare was lowered to the bottom of a mental hole. For a moment, they were not, and they slept the sleep that only the dead know.
Then they woke up and made out.
(I have never done ketamine)
The Search For Hawk Tuah!
Author's Note
Written by Corah!
The Search For Hawk Tuah!
“You’re looking for… What now?”
“Um, I believe it’s called a Hawk Tuah.” Fluttershy paced nervously as Twilight stared her down.
Closing the book on Advanced Magimathical Theory she had been reading for fun, Twilight arched an eyebrow incredulously. “And you said it's some kind of bird?”
Fluttershy nodded. “I heard Rainbow Dash mention it, and I couldn’t believe there was a species of bird I’d never heard of!”
She removed a massive scroll from her saddlebag and unfurled it. Twilight watched the parchment trail off down the library stairs and dislodge the books she had been alphabetizing with a clatter.
“See, I’ve cataloged every bird in Equestria from Albatross to Zebrican Swallow,” Fluttershy said as she frantically searched the list. “But look! Harlequin duck, harpy eagle, hawfinch…” Her hoof ran along the list before settling on hazel grouse. “But no Hawk Tuah!”
“Uh-huh. I see.” Twilight pressed her lips into a thin line. “You’re really worked up about this, huh?”
“Because if I don’t know about it, who will take care of it?” Fluttershy whimpered, crushing the scroll to her chest as her eyes brimmed with tears. “What if they’re endangered?! What if there’s only one left?! What if there’s a poor baby Hawk Tuah out there starving because nopony was there to feed it?!”
“Well, most animals can fend for themselves, Fluttershy.”
She sniffled. “Most? ”
“Oh jeez,” Twilight exhaled a huff as she retreated to a nearby bookshelf. Scanning the titles, she pulled a thick tome bound in red leather from the stacks and slammed it in front of Fluttershy with a crash. The pegasus flitted into the air as she jumped in shock.
Twilight gave the book's cover a gentle pat. “Wing, Beak, and Talon: A Field Guide to the Birds of Equestria and Beyond. If this doesn’t tell you where to find that Hawk, nothing will.”
“And you’ll let me borrow it?” Fluttershy brightened slightly. “Oh thank you, thank you, thank you! I’ll take extra special care of it, I promise!”
She crushed Twilight in a hug, then attempted to move the titanic field guide off the floor. It didn’t budge. Fluttershy smiled sheepishly and tapped her hooves together.
“Um, Twilight? I hate to be a bother, but could you perhaps help me get this to my house, please?” She puffed a stray strand of hair from her eyes. “If its not too much to ask?”
Twilight’s horn burned crimson and the book vanished in a puff.
“Thanks.”
*****
Fluttershy spent the better part of her day pouring over Twilight’s book, to no avail. There were hamerkops and house finches and harriers and hoatzins and huias and Humboldt penguins but not a single word devoted to her elusive Hawk Tuah. There were hawks, sure. Plenty of them in fact. But not the one Fluttershy sought.
Desperate times called for deeper research, as Twilight always said. Fluttershy flipped through the appendices of the tome and found the Areas Surveyed Table. Just like Twilight had said, the information had been sourced from all over the world, from the icy peaks of Yakistan to the deserts of Saddle Arabia. But there was one tiny speck of the map that had been greyed out due to “insufficient data”. It sat smack in the middle of Equestria, right outside of Ponyville.
The Everfree Forest.
Fluttershy’s skin was chilled with goosebumps at the name alone. Her hooves trembled as she closed the cover.
Marching through Ponyville, Fluttershy steeled herself for what she knew she had to do. The Hawk Tuah was out there! Wherever it was, it was counting on her! Who knew how much it had already suffered due to her ignorance and neglect? She needed to make things right, no matter the cost.
“I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.” Fluttershy repeated her mantra like a protective ward as the emerald boughs of the Everfree came into view. Her heart raced like a locomotive engine and frigid sweat soaked her fur. “I can’t do this. I can’t do this. I can’t do this.”
The trees of the Everfree loomed ahead of her like verdant titans. Creepers swayed from branches like the beckoning tendrils of some eldritch monster. Every atom of Fluttershy’s being quivered like gelatine.
But she couldn’t give up now! Not when the Hawk Tuah was counting on her. Knitting her eyebrows together and biting her lip, Fluttershy took her first tentative step into the Everfree.
It was the last time anypony saw her.
*****
Days turned into weeks. Weeks turned into months. Months turned into three months, and still, nopony had seen Fluttershy. Search parties were dispatched too late, the Everfree was searched, but nothing was discovered. Fluttershy was quickly given up on and presumed dead. After all, she could barely manage to order take out, much less survive in the wilderness.
And so the ponies of Ponyville gathered at Sweet Apple Acres to lay Fluttershy to rest in effigy. Spike had been given a pink wig and laid limply in a padded coffin with his claws folded over his chest peacefully. When a mare burst into tears alongside him, he dug into the depths of the casket and passed her a tissue.
“Thank you, dead Fluttershy.” She sniffled.
“Don’t mention it.” Spike laid back down and closed his eyes.
As ponies began to fill the folding chairs they had arrayed in front of the barn, Twilight took to the stage. She cleared her throat into the microphone and swallowed hard.
“My little ponies,” She began her voice heavy with sorrow. “We’re gathered here today to bid farewell to Fluttershy, our dearly beloved. In life she was gentle, sweet, and a paragon of kindness. The Element of Kindness, in fact.”
Spike gave her a thumbs up from his casket. “Doin’ great, Twi!”
“Spike! You’re supposed to be dead!” Twilight tried to whisper, but the mic still picked it up. “Sorry. I’m sure everypony would like to say a few words of their own, so I’m going to open the mic to—”
Twilight was suddenly levitated into the air and thrown aside to bounce on a trampoline that hadn’t been there before. The Draconequus Discord twisted through fivespace to take over the stage, his eyes streaming tears as he grabbed the microphone.
“I’d just like to say a few words about—” He choked back a sob. “About Fluttershy. I’ll just be a few minutes…”
Discord conjured a sheet of paper to his claw and unfolded it.
And kept unfolding it.
The page went from being the size of a hoof to the size of the stage in only a few folds. He cleared his throat and began. “It’s best to begin at the beginning. In the beginning, before there was time or matter, there was Discord. Now, I could bore you all with the details of how the world came to be and how I found my place in it, and I will! You see, Equestria was once—”
In the very back row, Rainbow Dash groaned. She already didn’t want to be stuck here at this boring funeral. Fluttershy was fine! Everypony was just overreacting! Rolling her eyes as Discord launched into a long-winded explanation of how he had created life as an elaborate prank, Dash reached into her saddlebag and grabbed her iPod. Thankfully, she had come prepared. Just before leaving for the funeral, she had downloaded the latest episode of Talk Tuah, starring Hawk Tuah Girl. Discreetly slipping her headphones in, she tuned out Fluttershy’s funeral for something more important.
“Hey there and welcome to episode six of Talk Tuah! I’m Hawk Tuah Girl and today we’ve got a very special guest in the studio!” Rainbow Dash kicked her hooves up against the back of Rarity’s seat.
“Darling, be a dear and keep your hooves on the floor.” Rarity glared over her chair with a knife-edged smile.
Dash gestured to her headphones and shrugged nonchalantly. Bracing her hooves, she pushed the chair back on its hind legs and rocked casually.
“Today our guest on Talk Tuah is a lovely guest from the land of Equestria! Everypony give a warm welcome to Fluttershy!”
The entire funeral party jumped half an inch as Rainbow Dash yelped and toppled out of her chair.
“Rainbow! We’re hosting a funeral!” Twilight yelled, stomping her hoof. “Can you please show some respect for the dead?”
“Yeah!” Spike’s wigged head bobbed above the edge of the casket. “Keep it down! I’m trying to rest in peace here!”
“She’s alive!” Dash lifted off the ground with a flap of her wings. “Fluttershy is alive!”
“What?!”
Everypony (and Discord) was on their hooves and crowding around Rainbow as she unplugged her headphones. Cranking the volume to max, her podcast crackled through the cheap speakers.
“You give it a lil’ Hawk Tuah! Spit on that thang! Y’see?”
“Oh… Oh my…”
*****
“Dear Princess Celestia,” Twilight inked her quill and began to write. “Today I learned that sometimes, you shouldn’t jump to conclusions. Always look before you leap, and double check your—”
A knock at the door downstairs interrupted her thought.
“Now what?” Twilight lit up her horn like a nightlight and descended the stairs, her fuzzy owl slippers squeaking with every step. Another series of frantic knocks echoed through the dark. “I’m coming, I’m coming!”
She threw open the door to find Fluttershy standing on the porch in a state of absolute dismay.
“Fluttershy? What are you doing here? It's after midnight!”
“Oh, I’m so sorry, Twilight! But I just can’t sleep!” Fluttershy entered, her hooves worrying the fabric of her minty bathrobe. “There’s another poor bird out there I haven’t cataloged!”
Twilight’s eyelids lowered as she blew a sigh through her lips. “Lemme guess? Rainbow Dash told you about it?”
“Oh yes.” Fluttershy nodded emphatically. “Twilight, do you have any books about the Mike Hawk? Rainbow Dash says it’s ginormous!”
Twilight made a mental note to ensure the next funeral she attended was Rainbow’s.
Author's Note
Written by RB!
Thesis: Hawk Tuah!
Smoulder, Vain and Glorious
Hawk Tuah: Where Did It Come From?
You can't say 'dirt ponies', Smoulder, it's offensive. Also, there is no town named 'Mudsdale' in Equestria.
What scholars? You need to cite your sources, Smoulder, we talked about this in class.
Hawk Tuah: one of the greatest mysteries of our time. Everycreature's heard of it, from the lowly dirt ponies of Mudsdale to the stuck-up ~~nobls~~nobles in Canterlot. But what exactly is it?
Some scholars say that the phrase comes from ancient Roam. In those days, it was common for pony warriors to do battle with fierce beasts of all kinds in the Coltoseum. One of the most ~~fearsom~~fearsome beasts at Emperor Caesar Salad's command was the mighty Hucktoo, a great creature that was said to be part Huck, part Too. It was incredibly dangerous, slaughtering hundreds if not thousands of ponies, and sending even more running away with their tails between their legs and pee in their togas.
Well, one day, a noble dragon named Ah, imprisoned wrongfully for daring to eat one or two ponies who had attacked his cave (and were probably trying to rob him) (not his fault ponies are so weak) was brought before Emperor Caesar Salad in chains, and was sentenced to death. But Ah was clever, and boldly challenged the mean old emperor for his life. So Ceaser Salad, grinning, told Ah that he would be set free—if he could defeat the ~~dredful~~dreadful Hawktoo in battle!
Sandbar? Smoulder...
Ah agreed, and soon he was brought to the Coltoseum. Their battle was great and fierce, but eventually Ah struck the finishing blow with his claws! And from that day, all in Roam knew that Ah was the strongest warrior in the land, and that dragons are way cooler than all ponies except maybe Sandbar.
Source?
And so, Ah's name went down in history as the one who beat the Hawktoo. But Ah was kind of a generic name, so they started calling him "Hawktoo-Slayer Ah", which eventually got shortened to "Hawktoo-Ah", and over time that may have turned into the Hawk Tuah we all know and love today.
But this is not the only theory that has been proposed. For you see, back in the days when pirates sailed the seas, there was one pirate who was feared above all others, and she was known as Landsea the Fierce.
Landsea? Wait, haven't I heard that name recently?
Landsea the Fierce was the greatest pirate of all time. She stole thousands of gold doubloons, tons of jewels, you name it, it was in the hold of her ship, the Hawk.
Well, one day, while following a treasure map to a deserted island (y'know, pirate stuff), Landsea ran into a ~~plantation~~platoon? of Equestrian Navy ships! She knew this would be a difficult battle, but she was never able to back down from a fight. And so she and her brave crew sailed into battle! There was canonfire, swordfighting, gunfighting, all kinds of fighting! But in the end the cowardly Navy sailors scuttled the Hawk!
But Landsea never gave up. She and what was left of her crew boarded one of the Navy ships, threw everyone overboard, and from there they were able to finish off all the remaining navy ships by taking them by surprise! Those lame sailor ponies never knew what hit 'em!
Oh wait now I remember! Landsea was the name of the protagonist of that pirate movie that came out recently. I think that was a work of fiction, Smoulder.
Well, Landsea sailed that navy ship off into the horizon, death in its wake, and when they made it to the closest pirate dock they renamed it the Hawk Two! And from then on, all who heard the name trembled in fear! They would see the Jolly Roger on its mast, and they would scream, "Look out-a! It's the Hawk Two-a!"
There are many more theories about where the famed Hawk Tuah comes from, too many to fit into this paper, but we'll touch on one more: the legendary musician Hock Tuba!
Finally, an actual date.
Carrot cake still needs flour, Smoulder. Ask Pinkie to teach you the recipie.
Hock Tuba, born in 763, grew up very poor. His family were bakers, but the nearby farms had started growing carrots instead of wheat, as it was more profitable, and so the only thing they could make was carrot cake, and soon everyone in their village was tired of eating nothing but carrot cake, so nobody was buying their goods!
Enter Hock Tuba. He'd recently won a contest put on by the local paper, and he shocked everyone by using that money to buy a tuba of his own! And they were even more shocked when they heard him play it! He had everyone in the village dancing in the street!
His performances quickly became the talk of the town, and he made more than enough bits to support his family. But his aspirations were higher! So one day, he took a trip to Canterlot with his tuba. It wasn't easy—he had to play for strangers, and that made him kinda uncomfortable. But he had a dream: He was going to play for Princess Luna!
Wait, Princess Luna? In 763? Luna was still in the Moon then...
Hock had fallen in love, you see. He'd seen Princess Luna's picture in the paper, once, and he was completely smitten by her otherworldly visage. But he was just a lowly musician! How would he ever get an audience with the Princess?
We don't know who invented chess, but historians mostly think it was invented by the elephants, not by ponies... Smoulder, you're just making all of this up, aren't you?
Well, he made it to Canterlot, and began working his way up. At first, he played on the street, but then some stuffy noble heard him and was entranced by his music. That noble was Black Rook, and he would go on to invent chess, the most boring game ever made. But he was also a patron of the arts, and he took Hock Tuba under his wing. Er... horn? You get the idea.
Well, Hock was playing for the upper class, now, doing all kinds of crazy gigs. Eventually, he wound up playing the Grand Galloping Gala, and it was there that he met... her .
WHAT
Princess Luna was at once transfixed by his music. After he left the stage, she approached him. They began talking. One thing led to another, and soon they fell in love.
Then how do you know about it?
But this had to be kept a secret; one of the common ponies, falling in love with a princess? It would not do! It would not be proper! And so they met in secret, many times, and that secret has been kept to this day.
But there were whispers of it, in Canterlot. Hock Tuba and Luna. Hock Tu-Luna.
Hock Tu-a.
In conclusion, Hawk Tuah remains a hotly ~~dispooted~~disputed subject amongst historians. We may never truly know where this great phrase comes from. But one thing's for sure: we'll all be saying it for decades to come.
I know I will.
Smoulder, you can't just make things up for your essays. This is the third time. You need to cite sources, do research! Broaden your horizons a little. You're smart, I know you can do it.
Also, very funny, but I do know what "Hawk Tuah" is. I'm not THAT old. Fluttershy told me all about it. I’m more curious as to why you know about it.
1/10, try harder next time.
Way far away in Canterlot, Luna looked down at the picture of her old lover she kept on her bedside and smiled.
“Oh how I miss you… Hock.”
The Life and Death of Hawk Threeah
Author's Note
Written by PI and Maj!
The Life and Death of Hawk Threeah
Sunset had a pit in her stomach as she rode over to Twilight’s place. She parked her awesome motorcycle, walked up to the garage door, and knocked on it.
Nothing.
She growled and knocked a lot harder, which was met by Twilight’s grinning face as she opened the garage, hair all fucked up and coated with… something?
Sunset cleared her throat. “What are you coated in?”
“Does it matter?” Twilight said as she yanked Sunset into the garage and slammed the door shut. Sunset barely registered that the entire garage was coated with something weird before feeling that said weird splatter all over her.
“It does,” Sunset said as she raised her arm to take stock of the situation, “now that I’m coated in it.”
“Oh, well, scientifically, it's an environmentally safe lubricant. In layman's terms, it's an environmentally safe lubricant.”
Sunset narrowed her gaze, wiping her face with her arms in an attempt to stop the burning in her eyes. Of course, since they were also layered in Twilight’s environmentally safe lubricant, it only made it worse.
Some of it got in her mouth. “Why is your lab coated in environmentally safe lubricant?” It tasted like jizz.
“To keep it safe during my experiments. I’m a scientist, but that doesn’t mean I can’t also be an environmentalist.”
Sunset tried really, really hard not to audibly sigh; she couldn’t afford to put another dollar in the sigh jar.
“Yeah, ok. Why not?”
Sunset grabbed the nearest thing that was relatively dry, following Twilight to whatever contraption she made in God's blindside this time.
What she saw made her shudder. It was more horror than machine, the metals bending in ways metal should not bend. It twisted and turned upon an orifice which was slightly dripping with what she had to assume was environmentally safe lubricant.
She decided not to ask about the metal. She was better off for that.
“What’s with the metal?” Sunset asked directly, her curiosity contradicting her better nature.
Twilight chortled as she put a hand on the machine, causing Sunset to flinch. “It’s amazing what you can do with a forge and psychokinesis, isn’t it?”
Sunset relaxed, whereupon she heard a switch flip and got battered by another round of environmentally safe fake jizz.
Sunset sputtered a bit. “Why does it taste like jizz?”
“Capital question, my dear Sunset!” Twilight took her hand off of the machine and pulled out a whiteboard. “You see, I slipped on some semen the other night and it came to me in a flash that seminal proteins are excellent lubricants!”
On the whiteboard was a picture of Twilight slipping, a light bulb, and various sperm attacking an egg in a very suggestive manner.
“Why we—you know what, I don’t want to know.” She tried to live with the knowledge that she was covered in Twilight’s environmentally safe artificial semen, walking up to the product of the industrialization era and placing a hand on it; it was surprisingly warm. “So, I’m almost too afraid to ask, but why did you make a robot gundam…thing? Did you watch Neon Genesis Evangelion recently?”
“Well, I did, but that’s totally unrelated.” Twilight disappeared behind the behemoth of metal and fake jizz, the sound of some sort of panel opening followed. “Sunset, are you familiar with Hawk Tuah?”
“Uh, yeah?” Sunset raised an eyebrow, scratching her head at the sudden topic change. “Anyone with a phone knows about it.”
“Well, Shining started to listen to Talk Tuah and his room is beside mine, so I was forcefully struck with inspiration like Newton and his apple. Though, instead of reading under a tree, I was reading in a bed listening to my brother watch a podcast about a girl who made a blowjob joke.” Twilight poked out from the robot, her pupils darting between Sunset and something on her desk. “Hey, can you hand me my vape? It’s the pink and blue box beside the ham radio.”
“Oh, sure.” Sunset grabbed the box, briefly reading the label on the back. “‘Property of Pinkie Pie’? Twi, have you been stealing Pinkie’s vapes?”
“No, she’s been selling them to me from her flavor collection. She’s told me she’s kicking the habit and going back to snorting raw candy or something. Anyway,” the panel closed, and Twilight came back around, forcefully swiped the vape from Sunset’s hands and took an exaggerated hit. “This is the Hawk-Threeuh, my own personal investment in sex paraphernalia. It’s made entirely for the purpose of fellatio; which was the secondary reason I needed environment safe lubricant.”
“Hawk-Threeuh?” Sunset glanced over the machine again, expecting some kind of inscription of its name somewhere on the chassis. “Why didn’t you name it Hawk Tuah like the meme?”
“Because she patented it.”
“She patented hawk tuah?”
“Sunset, she made a podcast .” Twilight reached into her coat pocket, fiddling with what looked like to be a heavily modified Roku remote. “Of course, she patented hawk tuah. Alright, here we go.”
The machine whooped and whirred, its parts moving artificially arthritically as if programmed to invoke as much wonder as possible. Green points glowed in its soulless black eyes. Twilight giggled and clapped.
“Spit on that thang!” Twilight chirped as she pointed at a thing.
“Hawk… threeuh, ” it rumbled as environmentally safe lubricant launched out of its orifice and coated that thing. It achingly turned towards Twilight. “What is my purpose?”
Twilight scratched her scalp through her hair. “To uh, spit on that thang.”
The robot looked away in an eerily natural manner, “Are you fucking kidding me.”
“And that’s when it decided to go on a citywide rampage.” Twilight calmly took a hit from her vape.
Rainbow held up a palm to Twilight. “High five.”
Nervously, Twilight slapped the palm, which led to Rainbow fist pumping. “Nice.”
“Don’t encourage this, Rainbow Dash!” Sunset ejaculated. “Anyway, don’t you have the remote, Twilight? Can’t you turn it off?
“I. uh, have to be in TV range and now that it’s katamari-ing parts of the city to itself, I don’t know if I can safely get in range of the IR scanner.” Twilight paced around. “And I can’t just jack up the power or some dumb stuff like that because it only reacts to very specific wavelengths of light. If I turn up the power it’ll just be a flashlight.”
“Like, a super bright flashlight?”
“Um,” Twilight adjusted a dial on the side of the remote, which caused a beam of bluish light to come out of the front. “Yeah, I guess?”
“Ok, well, what if we, like, uhm, you’ve seen Looney Tunes, right Twi?”
“Of course I have, how uncultured do you think I am?”
“Alright, hear me out.” Rainbow reached into her pocket, peeling a banana and holding onto the skin. “What if we put a giant pile of banana peels in front of the robot, and it slips and falls on its giant, shiny metal ass?”
“Won’t work.” Twilight said with the confidence of a third grade teacher answering a question about volcanos. “I programmed it to have proper falling.”
“Shit, uhm.” Rainbow finished her banana, throwing the peel to the side; somehow landing perfectly in a trashcan. “I don’t know I’m out of ideas.”
“Well, what about Applejack? What if she wrestled it into submission or something?”
“You…” Twilight trailed off, dropping the remote as it conveniently fell in her lab coat pocket. “You want Applejack to fight my highly advanced robot made out of steel and various other metals I can’t pronounce?”
“Yeah! Like rock’em sock’em robots, but it's not Applejack’s head that goes ‘Pop’ you know?”
“For once, I, in fact, do not know.”
“I actually think it might be our best best, Twilight.” Sunset stepped forward, already retrieving her phone and typing in Applejack’s number. “If her strength has a limit, we haven’t found it yet. It’s this, or we wait until it destroys the farmer’s market and she kicks our asses along with it.”
“Well, I suppose it’ll give me time to think of an alternative.” Twilight peered at Sunset’s phone, which had a picture of Applejack coming up after bobbing for apples and the name ‘Little Big Apple’. “Call her.”
“So, what’re we looking at?” Applejack cracked her knuckles.
Sunset sighed. “We are looking at… a blowjob robot that is wreaking havoc on the city.”
“The Hawk-Threeuh!”
“Yes, Twilight, the Hawk-Threeuh.”
“Are you hitting on me, Sunset?”
“No, Applejack, I’m telling you—”
At that moment a huge blob of environmentally safe lubricant coated all three girls.
Sunset sighed again. “What we’re up against.”
“Oh lordy this doesn’t seem good.” Applejack cracked her neck like in the Japanese anime cartoons. “I’ll set this robot right.”
Applejack marched into town, full of resolve.
Applejack slid back towards the girls, coated in environmentally safe lubricant.
“It’s too slippery.”
Sunset sighed again. “Well, go back in there.”
Applejack tried to stand up, but slipped again. “Too slippery.”
“Well, okay then,” Sunset said as she buried her face into her palm. “What now?”
“I think Rainbow Dash said ‘Why don’t you sic fucking dinosaurs on them?’, if I recall correctly?”
“Fine,” Sunset said with a wave of her hand. “Send in the dinosaurs.”
“What are the dinosaurs doing?!” Sunset asked, eyes agape.
Twilight had an eerie grin on her face. “They’re fucking.”
“Why?! ”
“Did your parents never have ‘the talk’ with you?” Rainbow had a devious undertone to her voice as she turned to Sunset. “When a mommy and a daddy dinosaur can’t cope with being alive and need a moment to not exist, the daddy mounts the mommy an—”
“I know what sex is, Rainbow.” She raised her hand to Rainbow’s forehead, flicking it with her fingers. Rainbow reacted to it like an anime girl. “I’m asking how dinosaurs having sex helps us defeat the Hawk Threeuh?”
“Oh, it doesn’t. Rainbow asked for fucking dinosaurs, and so I provided.”
Sunset pinched the bridge of her nose, sucking cold air through her teeth.
“Do you get off on this? Is this how you get your sexual thrill?”
“I don’t know.” Twilight shrugged. “Probably.”
Just off-screen, there was the sound of a building collapsing like Russia in 1917.
“Ok, ok, real solutions now people!” Sunset clapped her hands together. “Let’s break this down into its basics. Like, what if we treat this like pokemon? Hawk Threeuh is a spitting type, so what’s the opposite of spitting?”
“Swallowing, darling.”
There was a pregnant pause, giving birth only to tension and awkward looks.
Rarity smiled, pleased with herself.
“Not swallowing, ” Twilight was the one to break it, stroking a beard she didn’t have. “Sucking, specifically suction. If all the lubricant is removed from Hawk-Threeuh, it’ll have nothing to spit on that thang with. There’s only one man for the job!”
Twilight retrieved her Nokia cellphone, typing in the number of their savior.
It barely rang a second.
“Hey. Yeah I’m doing alright. Listen, I need a favor; I need you to come down here and fight a robot I made.” There was brief shouting from the phone, loud enough that Twilight had to move it a few inches away from her ear. She turned with her back facing the others, whispering something into it. “You owe me. No, fuck you! Yes, because of the thing with the tower. Yeah, we’ll be good. Alright, see you then. Fuck you later.”
“Must spit, on that, thang!”
Twilight’s artificial frankenstein began charging up, hawking the most powerful loogie known to man. Before it could cover that tower in environmentally safe lubricant, which, in this case, was not environmentally safe at all, something was slapped right in the center of its orifice.
And it sounded like…mac and cheese.
“Hey, hey fuck you you aren’t spitting on this thang!”
A man hung off the tower, attached to the side via suction cups. He was wearing some kind of safety helmet, hair coming down from both sides like a curtain. The only facial hair to speak of were little lines of hair on his chin that looked like they were drawn on by a sharpie.
Hawk Three reached to its orifice, trying to pull off the device that was denying its purpose. No matter how much it tugged, the suction only got worse; never relieving an inch.
“You Dare? ”
“Fuck yeah I dare! This is my tower! If you cover it in environmentally safe lubricant, I won’t be able to climb it anymore and piss off the guy who owns it!”
“Your purpose is to climb this tower?”
“No, dumbass! Did Twilight not build you with ears? My purpose is to piss off the guy who owns the tower! And climb things with my suction cups!”
Hawk-Threeuh walked forward until they were inches away from the building, moving forward and grappling the building with its strangely muscular, metallic arms.
“Were I to wish it, I could demolish this building in a single suplex.”
“Yeah? Well, then how would you spit on it? Dickhead.”
Hawk-Threeuh considered his words, letting go of the building as hundreds of shards of broken glass fell like the worlds most fucked up rainstorm.
“It seems we’re at an impasse. ”
“It would seem so.”
Silence between the two, broken by the occasional screaming of people below when glass stabbed into them at weird angles.
“Fight to the death?”
“Fight to the death.”
Suction cup man leaped off the building, a dildo erected from his forehead like a flag as he fought for his right to suction.
“They’ll write songs about this!”
Sunset and friends watched the mighty battle from a distance, Suction Cup man doing something valiant for a change as he clashed with the formidable Hawk-Threeuh.
He wasn’t defeating the automaton, but the environmentally safe lubricant wasn’t making it past Suction Cup Man.
She looked around. “Call it a wash?”
“I wanna watch the fight,” Rainbow Dash said.
Twilight’s phone went off. She answered it.
“Yeah? Uh huh? Really? I’ll be there!”
Sunset grimaced as she faced Twilight. “What was that?”
“Hawk Tuah girl invited me onto Talk Tuah!” Twilight chirped as she hung up her phone. “I get to stick it in my brother’s face!”
Rainbow Dash held up a hand, which Twilight high-fived.
Sunset rubbed her forehead. “Ok, you guys can watch the fight. I’m going to do something that specifically isn’t watching the fight.
Suction Cup Man and Hawk-Threeuh kept fighting, some say to this day. As long as you ignore the eventual military response and subsequent trial of Twilight Sparkle, where she avoided charges by providing the military with environmentally safe loogie robots.
It will live on in Rainbow Dash’s heart forever, though, as she high-fived herself.
Pipp, What Is A 'Hawk Tuah'?
Author's Note
Written by Runic!
Pipp, What Is A 'Hawk Tuah'?
Pipp, What Is a “Hawk Tuah?”
“Ponies, we have a problem!”
Pipp’s panicked voice rings out through the Brighthouse’s foyer as she throws the grand set of double doors open. From the kitchen, Zipp and Sunny look up from a black pile of tar that was likely intended at some point to be food.
“Woah!”
Zipp ducks behind the counter as Pipp throws herself onto one of the bar stools next to her sister, her eyes wide and unfocused.
“P-Pipp, what’s wrong?” Sunny’s ears cling to the sides of her head as she shoves the black-stained, death-smelling pan to the side and gives her short compatriot her undivided attention. “Another mane-mergency?”
“No, Sunny. This is much, MUCH worse!”
“Out with it,” Zipp groans as she sits back up. “Is it a social media problem, a friendship problem, or a Mom problem?”
“All of the above!”
“Oh. Yeah, that’s bad.”
Pipp shuffles in her seat before placing her front hooves on the counter and taking a deep breath. It does little to actually calm her down, but she is at least able to sit still because of it.
“So, remember how I was interviewed by Ruby Jubilee’s PR division? The Clip Trot ones?”
“Yeah?”
“Well, do you remember that joke I made when they asked me what the secret behind my hooficures’ shiny finish is?”
“If I recall, you said that you have to, and I quote, ‘Give 'em that hawk tuah and spit on that thang!’” Zipp replicates the spitting motion that Pipp herself acted out in the now-viral video, her eyes half-lidded in a mixture of disapproval and mild concern.
“Yeah, that! See, I thought it was just some harmless joke. I even said as much immediately after the fact!”
“Oh, Pipp!” Sunny’s voice is filled with both warmth and worry. “Please don’t tell me you accidentally started a trend of ponies spitting on their hooves!”
“Thankfully, no. The Pippsqueaks are smarter than that.”
“Then what’s the problem?”
“Trolls, Zipp! Trolls!”
“When have trolls ever bothered you?”
“Ugh, never. Not until now. They’re editing the video to make it seem like I’m doing something… obscene.”
“What?! Pipp, that’s horrible!” Sunny glances between the sisters, though there’s an obvious disconnect between her level of understanding and theirs. “Wait… don’t they do that all the time?”
Pipp hesitates for a moment, using the opportunity to take a deep breath before continuing.
“Yes, Sunny, they do. And if this were like any other instance of my face being pasted onto some less-than-appropriate images, or my voice being run through an AI voice replicator to say something obscene or something, I wouldn’t really have a problem with it.”
“You wouldn’t?”
“Well, I mean, it’s gross , sure, but I’m used to THAT! The problem is that these ‘hawk tuah’ edits have gone viral! Even more than the original video has!”
“...Well,” Zipp starts as the tension in her shoulders visibly melts away. “Is that all? That’s pretty embarrassing, but I don’t know what you want us to do about it.”
“Zipp, you don’t understand. The internet doesn’t realize that the original context exists at all !”
“But surely everyone knows that you’d never do something like that, right?” Sunny asks, unable to mask the doubt in her voice.
“You tell me!” Pipp weeps as she turns her phone around for her friends to see.
There, in big, bold letters, are three text messages from a contact labeled “Mom 👑 .”
“Pipp, what is a ‘Hawk Tuah?’”
“Pipp, what are these videos of you I’m seeing on Clip Trot?”
“I’m coming down there, young lady!”
“Oh.”
“Oh, that’s bad.”
“You think?!” Pipp slams her face on the desk in front of her, causing her voice to be muffled. “She’s totally gonna kill me.”
“W-well… she’s your mother, right? Surely she understands that those videos are unlike you. All you have to do is explain yourself, and–”
“You don’t get it, Sunny!” Pipp picks her head up just enough for Sunny and Zipp to get a full view of the tears running freely down her cheeks, bringing her mascara along with them. “Even if I didn’t actually say it, I fostered an environment where it could go viral to begin with! My reputation is in ruins! RUINS, I tell you!”
“That seems… I-I don’t mean to sound rude, but kind of ridiculous.”
“It is ridiculous,” Zipp sighs. “But, that’s Mom for you. It was one of the conditions she gave Pipp before giving her permission to do her whole ‘Influencer Princess’ thing.”
“W-well, maybe we can salvage this! How long do we have until she gets here?”
“She sent that text this morning, and I didn’t see it until I got off work a few minutes ago. If I had to guess, I’d probably say–!” Pipp is cut off by the doors to the Brighthouse once again being thrown open. The orange-and-yellow light of a setting afternoon sun pours into the room, broken only by the darkened outline of Queen Haven. She wears a completely flat expression, her eyes unreadable behind her thick, jet-black sunglasses. “Right now.”
“Pipp?”
One word. One word is all it takes for the entire room to fall silent. Nopony makes a sound. Nobody takes a breath. The birds that had been excitedly chirping outside suddenly cease their singing. Anything that might have been able to bring relief to the palpable tension in the air disappears with Queen Haven’s single utterance of her daughter’s name.
It isn’t until the doors sourcelessly slam shut behind her mother that Pipp finds the courage to squeak out a response.
“Y-yes, Mom?”
“Would you come over here for a moment? There’s something I’d like to ask you.” She lowers her sunglasses and peers at Zipp and Sunny, her icy blue eyes shooting daggers into their very souls. “In private.”
After a moment’s hesitation, Pipp swallows hard.
“Coming.”
With an awkward shuffle, Pipp sidles out of her seat and begins to trudge across the foyer. Each careful step echoes through the foyer like a cannon firing again and again. Sunny and Zipp, quickly realizing that there is little they can do to save their beloved friend, turn towards each other and busy themselves by beginning the process of disposing of their failed meal.
It feels like hours pass before Pipp finally reaches her mother. Upon doing so, Haven wraps a hoof around her neck, turns her away from her friends, and leans in extremely close such that her mouth is mere inches from Pipp’s ear.
“Pipp, dear. As your mother, I understand that this will likely be an… uncomfortable conversation.”
“You can say that again,” she mumbles.
“But nevertheless, given the way my relationship with Alphabittle has been progressing, I find it prudent to ask you all the same…”
“Here it comes,” she whispers beneath her breath.
“How does one properly ‘spit on that thang?’”
“I… huh?” Pipp freezes, her eyes immediately going wide as she looks at nothing in particular. “Wh-what did you say?”
“It sounds like quite the skill to have, and I’m afraid I’m not exactly… erm…” Haven clears her throat as a deep blush spreads across her cheeks. “I’m not a young mare anymore, but I wouldn’t exactly call myself ‘experienced’ with this sort of thing.”
“M-MOM?!” Pipp pushes herself away from the still-blushing Haven, her own cheeks having gone a similar shade of red. “That’s disgusting!”
“Oh, but you seemed so eager to share your expertise online! No doubt a result of all the time you’ve been spending with that Hitch fellow.”
“N-no, that’s not–! We’re not–! Argh! Get out!”
“But I just–!”
“I SAID GET OUT!”
In one quick, sweeping motion, Pipp takes to the air, wraps her front hooves around her mother, practically tosses her out the front doors, and slams them shut behind her. Her face still red as a beet, she turns back towards Sunny and Zipp, who look back at her with barely-withheld laughter.
With a loud groan, Pipp presses her back against the doors and slowly falls onto the cold tile below.
“I’m never using the internet again.”
