Chapters MLP: Friendship is Exclusive. Humans need not apply.
Chapter 1 - Pony On A Hot Thatched Roof
Hooves pound across the thick thatch laid roof top, creating behind a trail of straw flying into the air behind. A pair of ears pin back along side the whipping hot pink mane.
Below, the roar could be heard, tearing through the streets in close pursuit of him.
None of this was how Twinkle Toes envisioned his arrival in Ponyville was going to end up: Having to run for his life from one of his own kind.
·~ ͽ¤ͼ ~·
From inside his truck, Mal Coltran watched helplessly his four footed neon green bounty leap across the 10 foot gap and land on top of another roof.'Ah'm gitin' too old for this shit.' Mal thought, the leather cover steering wheel creaking as his grip tighten more in anger. 'This was suppose to be uh simple snatch an' grab. Nun thin' fancy. Jes' uh quick slap of the ol' leg irons an' uh nice Sunday drive up to the castle to cash in the award.'
He look back down at the road in time to see the three cape wearing fillies standing in the middle of the street, busily watching the skinny, fluorescent colored pony prance across their town's rooftops.
“SONNA-” Mal nearly sawing his wood tooth pick in half as he gritted his teeth. By the time the fillies notice the oncoming battered old truck, it was too late. They frozen in place like deer caught in a pair of headlights, clinging onto one other screaming as the 3,000 pounds of howling Detroit steel swerve inches from their faces.
Mal nearly dislocated his wrists as he struggle to quickly turn the heavy truck's steering wheel. “GODDAM HORSES! ” He shouted, the steering wheel almost spinning out of his white knuckled grip as the squealing truck tires bit into the cobblestone street. He steered the antiquated truck back into the middle of the road and groaned aloud as he watched the pony back flip over another chimney stack.
'Jes' how the FUCK Ah ever gonna catch him?!' Mal look back at road and smiled at what he saw up ahead. With a shifting of gears, the heavy work truck to leap forward and pass it's quarry with in a thunderous roar. After passing several houses, the motorized behemoth screeched as it came to a shuddering halt.
Mal clambered out of the cab with his beloved Mossberg 590 and patiently waited. He didn't have to wait too long though, as the self titled stallion landed on the house rooftop in front of him.
Twinkle looked down in bewilderment as he heard the sound of the bounty hunter's slow hand clap.
“Hella of uh show ya put up there!” Mal gave the panting pony a big toothy grin, “But it's time for ya to pack it in an' to go on home!”
Twinkle started for the end of the roof but stopped short when he found only empty air and a hard, unforgiving stone paved street far down below. Mal chuckled loudly as his roof bound bounty realized his predicament. “Looks like ya ran outta rooftops there, Slick!”
KA-KUNK! Mal racked a round into the shotgun. “Next one's gonna in ya kiester if ya don't git off that roof right quick.”
Startled, Twinkle looked down at the gaped tooth man with the smoking shotgun. “Y-You-Your threatening to shoot me? Here? In the middle of Ponyville ?! ” The trembling pony cried out in panic and disbelief, his eyes going wide with fear.
“Cool yer tits! These are only bean bag shells! Non-lethals!” Mal shouted back.
The pony's head started to swivel about, searching for even a possible glimmer of getting away from the shotgun toting hill billy below. 'Maybe if I slide down the other side of the roof I could possibly-'
BOOM! Twinkles face was showered with clumps of straw as another round hit the thatched roof.
KA-KUNK! “They won't kill ya, but they certainly do pack one hella of uh wallop! So unless ya up for some lil' target practicin' Ah suggest that ya either git off that roof in uh direction that's towards me an' mah truck." Twinkles look down at the sneering toothpick chewing stranger for moment before his eyes caught sight of his only another escape route away from this crazed redneck.
BOOM! The pony nearly fell backwards off the rooftop as the blur of a beanbag round zipped by, only mere inches away from his face. “Yer hesitatin'!” Mal shout up at Twinkle Toes. “This ain't uh multiple choice, Son. Ya either git off that roof or Ah knock ya off it.”
“Well, excuse me for not eagerly wanting to come down!” Twinkle yell back, his ears flatting against the sides of his head . “I don't know who you are or what your problem is! Like, for all I know, you could be some hillbilly nutjob.”
“Oh, ho! Ah'm the one with the problem?! That's rich! Heh! Have ya taken uh good look at uh mirror lately? Perhaps notice sum major differences...”
“And your point is what?!”
“The point is either of us belong here.”
“Uh, do you even know where you are? Maybe your the one who doesn't belong.”
“Is ain't mah first rodeo, Twinkle Toes. Or should Ah be callin' ya Brad Carter?”
'What?! How does he know my name?' Brad look away from the smirking bounty hunter and back towards the brick chimney.
KA-KUNK!
Brad flinched at the noise, jerking his eyes away and back down to the frowning man. “Nun-uh, Brad." Mal admonish. "If yer thinkin' that the odds are sum how still in ya favor, Ah got uh news flash for ya: They ain't. Ya ain't Richard Kimble no more then Ah'm uh talkin' horse.”
“I don't know about that. I've been doing pretty good so far. Plus, I gotta man...because, like, YOLO.”
Brad's bravado took a sharp nose dive as he watch Mal yank down a velcro flap on his combat vest, reveling a couple of cylinder shape objects. “Ah seen ya eyein' that chimney over there. Ya make off like Santie Claus an' Ah'll guarantee it'll end in tears, vomit and possible 3rd degree burns for ya.”
“No. Fucking. Way. Dude.”
“Way. ”
“Like, seriously? You would do that? Tear gas somepony's house just to get me? For real?”
“Yup. Ah even burn that motherfucker down to the ground and shift through the ashes jes' to get to your skinny lil' hide.”
This, however, was total lie. For while the local authority of this ridiculous town of obnoxious color ponies had learned early on that it was best to stay the fuck out of Mal's way the two almighty asswipes from up candy mountain were another story. If push came to shove, he could smooth things over by offering to payment for damages and a quick mumble word of apologize. But the possibility of (heaven for bide) nicking one of the prancing cuties by accident would land him in some deep shit. And if they were die...
Well, then all bets were off. But what his bounty didn't know, wouldn't hurt him.
“Th-that is some evil shit, man.” Brad said shuddering as images of the house beneath his hooves engulfed in flames while it's occupants screamed in pain and fright.
“Ah suppose it is." Mal said with a shrug, "But ah gotta eat an' pay bills jes' like everybody else around here. So whats it gonna be, Brad?”
“Dude, I-look, uh...” Brad was at a lost. This guy with the shotgun obliviously knew just who he really was and apparently it was his job to...what? Round up others like himself and have them them sent back? Why? What did he do? Then again maybe there was a special black market for special ponies like himself.“...Like, are you for real? Are you legit?”
“Ah'm uh bonafide-stamped-fully-licensed-honest-to-goddess, Bounty Hunter.” Mal said as he tapped the large transparent plastic pouch on his combat vest that promptly displayed both his photo ID and the official seal of Equestria's sun goddess. “Besides, if Ah were such uh bad guy wouldn't Ah jes' shot ya dead back in that alley way? Wouldn't Sparkles an' her gang be here already tryin' to kick mah ass? An' if Ah were to be sum fruity villain, wouldn't Ah be prancin' about down here monologuein' or sum shit?”
Mal could read that pony like a tabloid cover at a checkout counter as he watched Brad's expression continuously with each overwhelming thought: Scared, self doubt, guilt and not in control. And it was just where the bounty hunter wanted him.
“Your a bounty hunter?! ” Was all Brad could think to blurt out. 'Oh, Man. This is fucked up. I'm in some serious shit. Did I do something to piss off Princess Celestia? I am somehow throwing off her Feng shui simply by being here? Shit I-don't even kno-'
“HAY! THAT'S MY ROOF YOUR PUTTING HOLES INTO, YOU IDIOT!” Somepony shouted out angrily. Mal took his eyes off the trembling Brad to see a furious plum colored mare standing out in front of said house.
“Git back inside! Official Canderlot business!” Mal shouted.
“Well, can you at least stop putting holes into my roof! It's scheduled to rain today!” The mare screeched back, waving a fore leg in the general direction of a darkening patch of storm clouds off in the distance.
“Ah uh workin' on it!” Mal bark back as he look up to the mare's roof in time to see a chimney block rushing down at him. He dove into the open truck cab in time as the brick shattered on the area of pavement he was just standing at moments ago.
Quickly, Mal crawled across the truck bench seat towards the open passenger window and let fly a volley of beanbags at the brick chucking stallion above.
BOOM!
KA-KUNK!
BOOM!
KA-KUNK!
BOOM!
KA-KUNK!
Straw and bits of chimney masonry flew about into the air as Brad worked away chunks of chimney with his hooves.
“MY HOUSE!” The plum colored mare screamed. Mal started to laugh but stopped short as a brick smash into windshield of his truck.
“MAH BECKY!” Mal cried out as the aging safety glass shattered and the brick bounce off the dashboard and landed on the cab floor.
“That TEARS IT! ” The bounty hunter screamed with rage.
BOOM! “Ah was gonna go easy on ya!” KA-KUNK!
BOOM! “BUT YA HAD TO BE ALL DIFFICULT AN' BUST UP MY BECKY!” KA-KUNK!
BOOM!
A sharp, glancing blow struck Brad on side of his barrel, causing him to lose his balance. He winced in pain, as he use his forelegs to catch the corner of almost dismantled chimney stack, stopping himself from sliding off and tumbling thirty feet down onto the cobble stone paved street.
Mal climbed out of the truck, his smoking shotgun trained on the quivering, neon coated pony.
“Okay! Okay!” Brad yelled as he grimace in pain. He rubbed at the rising welt where the beanbag hit him. “You won, man! You won! ”
“Damn straight Ah won .” Mal gave the pony a wicked smile as pony's fire orange irises widen.
Brad watched helplessly, as the bounty hunter pulled the trigger of shotgun.
Author's Note
Boy Howdy. That is some intense, action pack stuff goin' on up there.
I hope you all are enjoying this as much I enjoyed writing it. It's my first solid piece of writing since high school. And it probably shows. SO - Please, please, please pointing any errors I've made.
And I will greatly appreciate any thoughts that you may have on this. Good. Bad. Anything at all, really.
Every little bit helps. I need your input like a dying man needs a drink of water.
Coming up next: Justice Comes In Pink
Edited 8/21/2014:
Edited 9/6/2014:
MLP: Friendship is Exclusive. Humans need not apply.
Chapter 2 - Justice Comes In Pink
*CLICK!*
“God Dammit! ” Mal yelled in frustration. He started to peel off extra shells from the sidesaddle attached to the Mossberg and quickly proceeded task of shoving shells into the magazine tube. It wasn't until he just loaded in the last shell when a blur of pink sent the shotgun flying out of the bounty hunter's hands.
“YOU BIG FACE MEANIE!” Pinkie Pie yell into the bounty hunter's face as the gun clatter onto the street. “You were going to shoot that pony after he gave up?! ”
“Horse...” Mal started to growled but the notorious party pony continue on unperturbed.
“Do you know what kind of person that makes you?! That makes YOU THE BIGGEST MEANIE PANTS in EQUESTIRA! I MEAN THE BIGGEST! IN FACT, YOUR PANTS ARE SOOO BIG, I DON'T EVEN THINK A DRAGON COULD FILL THEM! AND I SHOULD KNOW, CAUSE I'VE MET ALOT OF DRAGONS. AND-”
Mal wasn't listening to the mare's nonsensical ramblings. Instead he brushed past the yammering pink pony to retrieve his fallen weapon. A pair of hooves appear on top of the firearm, affectedly pining it to the ground.
“HAY! ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME?!” Pinkie gleefully shout as she invaded his private space and his ear drums.
“Git off mah gun, hoss! ”
“Not until you say the magic word.” The mare said in a sing song voice.
Mal's eye twitched.“Git. Stuffed.” He growled.
“Jeeze, Mal!” Pinkie giggled, “Would it hurt you to be polite for once in your life?”
“Not as bad it's gonna hurt sum dumb horse who doesn't git her stupid hooves off mah shootin' iron!”
“That’s not very nice thing to say to somepony who's standing on top of your whatchamacallit! Plus, is it too hard to ask for you to be nicer to ponies?”
“Goddamit horse! Where do ya git off on tellin' me how to do mah job?! Ah don't come' into ya kitchen an' knock the spatula outta ya mouth now do Ah!?”
“Mal, your so random! Oh! I almost forgot to ask you; Can I throw you a welcome to Ponyville party?”
“Why the fuck would ya wanna? Why are ya botherin' to throwing uh party for sum one who hates ya guts an' has even stated numerous times to ya stupid horse face! Besides, who ya gonna invite? Ah don't have any horse friends an' Ah'm plum fine with keepin' it that way."
“Because your going to be everypony's friend after my super duper, phenomenally spectacular, totally bitchin' first ever official welcome to Ponyville Mal Coltran Party!”
“Ya actually believe that dont ya?”
“Yeppers!”
“So Ah take it that ya'll git ya stupid horse hooves off my shootin' iron if Ah say yes to ya dumb party?”
The pink pony nods her head excitedly.
“Ain't nun' doin', hoss.” And with a violent shoved, Mal sent Pinkie Pie sprawling aside. He scooped up the shotgun and, again, the Mossberg was knocked out of his hands
“Mother Fuc-” He started to cuss as he went after the firearm for the second time today. Only to find it balancing on the tip of pink party mare's nose.
“Stop that will ya! It ain't uh play toy! Ya gonna shoot ya eye out!”
“In your eye with a cream pie!" She tittered back.
Mal took a step towards the pony and swipe at the shotgun, only to succeed in catching empty air as Pinkie took a step back.
“Give me back mah gun, hoss or ya gonna git whats comin' to ya.”
“Oh, Mal! With that attitude, you're gonna miss everything cool and die angry.” She snorts with laughter as she flipped the dangerous weapon harmlessly into air. The eight pound, fully loaded riot gun came down onto the mare's pink poofy hair. Mal watch as the gun sunk into the pony's impossible mane like quicksand until it completely disappear.
But Mal was not disturbed in anyway by what he had just witnessed. Extremely annoyed, yes. Ready for the insane asylum, no. Or at least not yet. He had observed quiet a few of his fair share of the unexplainable Pinkie Pie phenomenons since he his forced arrive here in Equestria. An while he maybe stuck for good in a world run by magical, nonsense talkin' ponies, but he still had a few surprises in store for them. And then some.
“At least Ah die in the comfort of knowin' that Ah never ever once needed to befriend an annoying talkin' horse.”
“Awww ...thats sad.” Her eyes started to well up with tears. “Have you even tried to make any friends with anypony here?”
“Ah ain't got time for horses-”
“I could help you with that!” She shout gleefully while she bounced up and down around the bounty hunter. “I know lots of ponies! Maybe one of them will want-”
“Thanks but no thanks, Pinks. Ah got all the friends Ah'll ever need.”
The pink pony stop mid bounce as she voiced her skepticism. “Really?”
“Yup. Honest injun'.”
“Who are they then? Would I know them? Tell me, tell me, tell me!”
“Well, Ah doubt ya would know of them but their uh household name on back where Ah'm from.”
Mal reached an arm around at the small of his back and pulls out of the battered leather holster a weathered .44 caliber revolver. He pointed it up at the roof. His grin got even wider when he heard the loud gasp Brad let out at seeing the hand cannon.
Mal pulled the hammer back with his thumb.
*CLICK!*
“Pinks, allow me to introduce mah two best friends: Mr. Smith & Mr. Wesson! ” And with a squinted of his eye, Mal aimed and squeezed off a shot.
CRACK!
The bullet zinged by Brad as he duck behind the partially demolished chimney stack.
“Oh wow, that's super-duper LOUD!” Pinkie Pie shouted in excitement. “That's even louder then my party cannon. Your friends are like the superiest, noisiest, party makers EVAR!”
Mal chuckle to himself. “Yup! Their the noisiest alright. An' they are certainty good at gittin' sum one's attention.”
“Aw ...Not cool, man! Not cool!” Brad yelled from behind his masonry cover.
“Daaaw! Did Ah scare the poor lil' baby?”
“You could've kill me!”
“Son, if Ah wanted to kill ya then Ah wouldn't have missed.” Pinkie Pie started to frown at this but Mal wasn't paying any attention to the pink ADD pony as he continued on. “So unless ya hidin' uh engine block inside that chimney, Ah suggest that ya start gittin off the goddamn roof before Ah start inflicting sum flesh wounds on ya neon colored ass.”
“Mal?” The pony asked with concern.
“What?!” Mal said, not bothering to take notice of the bright blue eyes that were drilling holes into him. “Can't ya see Ah'm busy here?!”
Pink Pie plucked the revolver out of Mal's out stretched hand as if it were was covered in pig grease.
Exasperated, Mal turn to see the pink mare sitting on her haunches, wearing an outfit straight out of a spaghetti western. Right down to the wool poncho and cowboy hat. He could ever see that she was smoking a cigarillo.
But what had Mal really worry was the fact that the barrel of the revolver was pointed at him.
'Gotta go 'bout this nice an' easy. Don't wanna spook her an' havin' her dropin it. Knowin' mah luck, it'll go off an' blast off one of mah toes.'
“Uh. That ain't no play toy, Pinky.” Mal said as calmly as he could.
The pink cowpony silently furrow her eyes up at the five foot eight tall human as she chewed on her cigar tip. And despite there being no wind, a tumbleweed rolled between the two of them.
'Okay. This - This is weirdin' me right the fuck out.'
Mal figured himself to be jaded when it came to the pink mare's antics. However, this - This was something entirely new. And then she did something that blew his mind away.
Pinkie spat out her soggy cigar tip as she clicked back the heavy Smith & Wesson hammer.
'What?! How – How is that EVEN GODDAMN POSSIBLE! SHE DOESN'T HAVE FINGERS!'Mal screamed inside his nearly shatter psyche. Ol' Mal nearly lost there and then but his ever growing temper step in to recover the situation.
“Now look here, Hoss-” He started with his gruff Ah-ain't-takin'-nun-of-yer-wacky-bullshit. But the pink cowpony cut him off.
“Don't call me hoss, horse, jaded or nag.” The party pony said in voice dipping with snake venom, soaked in aged whiskey and then shredded by a lifetime supple of cigarettes with asbestos tipped filters.
'Well shit on a shingle! Is that you Mr. Eastwood, Sir ?! If Ah wasn't 'bout to piss mah self, Ah would be thoroughly impressed. Okay. Gotta get grip here. Gotta swing this crazy train back around before anything else happens.'
“Okay that's pretty good, but seriously, Pinks...” Mal said as he broke into a cold sweat. “...Ya could hurt someone with-”
“It's a hell of a thing killin' a man...” She said as she slowly clicked back the revolver's hammer further. “...You take away all he's got and all he's ever gonna have.”
“Ah didn't know ya were such uh big fan of Clint-” Mal said as he slowly step his way forward and reached a hand out towards to the revolver.
CRACK!
Mal nearly swallowed his tooth pick at the sudden explosive noise. He swung up his hands in front him, as if he could somehow ward off the oncoming bullet. But the useless gesture was too late. He screw his eyes tight as he felt the round impact into his face.
'Oh fuck! This is it! Ah'm dead! Ah've been dun in by uh talkin' horse!'
Mal's hands gripped his chest and neck as he was finding it difficult to breath.
'Oh God! Ah can feel mah brains drip down mah face - like lil' bits of confetti paper! Oh lord, Jesus - Wait uh minute – CONFETTI PAPER?!'
Mal opened his eyes to see that his entire body was cover in colorful bits of confetti, glitter and paper streamers. The Pink mare was holding his revolver with a comically huge novelty BANG! flag hanging out of the end of the smoking barrel.
Seething with rage, Mal ripping out the joke flag and snatched the gun out of her pink hoof. He holster the weapon while grabbing the mare's poncho in bunches.
“YA FUCKIN' CRAZY HORSE! YA COULD'VE SHOT SOMEONE!” Mal shouted into Pinkie's face as he angrily shook the party pony, causing her cowboy hat to tumble off her head.
A wide assortment of items tumbled out of her big fluffy mane. Cupcakes, party hats, an anvil, a pogo stick, party invitations, a bag of flour, a rubber duck, a pick ax, a small alligator and finally his Mossberg fell to the ground. Pinkie then ducked out of the poncho in attempt to escape the enraged bounty hunter. But Mal managed to wrapped a fistful of the mares poofy pink hair and heaved her up off the ground.
“Oh no ya don't! Ya do NOT git off that easily, hoss! NOT after uh stunt like that! Do know the amount of SHIT Ah could uh gotten if that gun hit another hor-WHOOF! ” Mal's toothpick flew out his mouth as his breath was stolen by the sudden gut punch.
Mal painfully fell to his knees, wheezing, as his lungs tried to suck back in air.
Two hooves latched onto the sides of his head, forcing him to look directly into the harden pink visage. Mal wasn't even entirely certain that this was the same pony. Her coat was a darker shade of pink and her mane was now long and straight as it hung down about her face.
'Ah jes' pissed off uh three foot tall pink horse. No. That's wrong. Ah'm 'bout to git mah shit ruined by uh fuckin' pink horse who's either possessed or bat-shit insane. Yup. Sounds 'bout right. Terrific. Fuck Mah Life.'
Even as the mare spoke, it was in another tone that he never thought he would ever hear coming from the notorious party pony: Serious. As in this-is-Pinkie-Diane-Pie-the-pony-who-loves-parties-and-cake-and-I-am-being-dead-fucking-serious.
“Ever come across somepony that you shouldn't have messed with? That's me. And this is my hometown, Mal. It's where I live.”
The pony hits him again in the stomach causing him kneel over onto the ground, retching and coughing.
“And this is me. I will not tolerate violence in my hometown against anypony.”
As Mal grimaced in pain he croaked out, “Pinks, Ah'm trying to do mah job...”
“But there's always room for improve, isn't there, Mal. So the next time somepony cries uncle, you play fair and give 'em a chance. No taksies backsies. Got it?!”
“Yeah, Ah got it.”
“You got nonething, Mal. Not until you Pink Promise.”
“What the fuck is this magical heap of horseshit?! Ah ain't got time for one of yer games!”
“Pinkie Promise!”
“Shove it up yer lil' pink ass, ya psycho!”
The two pink hooves started to grind painfully into the sides of his head.
“SWEAR TO ME!” The stony faced mare shouted, her spittle landing on the bounty hunter's face.
“OKAY! Fine! Ah swear!”
“Cross your heart?”
“Cross mah heart.”
“Hope to fly?”
“Um, sure. Whatever.”
The mare narrow her ice cold blue eyes.
“Hope to fly.” Mal said.
“Stick a cupcake in your eye?” The mare covered her right eye with a hoof.
“Stick a cupcake in mah eye – Look, are we dun' here? ”
But the street was empty. The pink pony was no wheres to be seen.
'The fuck...'
Mal snapped up the riot gun and rolled away into a kneeling position. Whipping his shotgun up, he scan around the empty street for the pink hellion.
He peered under his work truck.
Nothing.
He crouch walk over to the vehicle before rising up and scanning the truck cab's interior.
Empty.
“Remember, Mal...”
Mal spun towards the familiar voice, only to see a pink, blue eyed pony staring back him.
From inside his truck side mirror.
“...I'll be watching you. For-EVEEEER!”
The shotgun leaped in Mal's hands as it went off. The beanbag load crashed into the mirror, shattering it.
For a moment, Mal stood there as smoke steamed out the Mossberg's barrel. He could feel his heart pound away inside his chest. With a slightly trembling hand he reached into his vest pocket, pulled out a fresh toothpick and placed it into between his yellowed, nicotine stained teeth.
“Fuck u, ya fuckin' horse.” He said to the broken truck mirror.
KA-KUNK!
“This ain't over.”
Suddenly, the truck body shook. Mal turned to see four hoof shaped indentations appeared from inside the cab's ceiling.
“MOTHER FUCKER!” Mal angry shouted as he back peddle from the side of the truck in time to see a neon green blur leap off the truck's roof.
He drew a bead on the pony's barrel and squeezed the trigger.
*CLICK!*
'Misfire! Shit!'
Mal tried to pumped the shotgun, only to find that he couldn't. And that's when he noticed the thick red wad of a spent shell wedged in the Mossberg's ejection port.
Mal cussed up a storm as he was force to wrestle the thick paper round out. Somewhere behind him, he heard a faint, yet familiar, giggling.
And by the time he torn the paper shell out, his bounty had ahead start in the one direction he could not risk taking the large truck on without hitting somepony.
'Ah hate this place. Ah really do. Why anyone in their right mind would wanna come here, Ah have not uh friggin' clue.'
Author's Note
I now have a new found respect for any writer that can write Pinkie Pie without going off the rails.
Because, Holy Crap.
The temptation misuse her is so bad that writing her character is like trying to feed a small camp fire.
'Cause some mares wanna watch the world burn - and then have a party afterwards.
So thanks to Pinkie Pie, I've rewritten this chapter a dozen times.
Thanks alot, for none thin' you fuckin' party animal.
Coming up next: Hoofin' it
MLP: Friendship is Exclusive. Humans need not apply.
Brad Carter, AKA Twinkle Toes , scramble around the corner and enter the busy market street.
He zip, bop, and leap as his pursuer's boots pound the pavement behind him.
'What was that about back there?! Whats going on?! And why do I have to go back home?! I just, like, GOT HERE!'
“Excuse me!” The day glow stallion yell apologetically as he torn around a group of shoppers. A second later he heard the loud shouts of surprise and anger as his pursuer plowed through the group that the day glow pony had just passed.
“Watch out! Coming through!” Brad yell as he leap over a bewilder shopkeeper and clamber up a nearby stack of wood covered barrels. When he reach the top of the stack, the neon green stallion launched himself into the air just as he heard the angry bellowed of a 12 gauge shotgun. He even felt a bean bag pass harmlessly through his shocking pink, fluffed spiked mane.
Brad land on a store awning and leap off in time as the shotgun roared again, ripping a hole in it's cloth roof. As he fell he manage to nab a pole that jutted out from a street gas lamp with his fore legs. He swung off the pole, flew through the air, rebound off a passing waiter's serving tray and landed on a nearby cafe table, startling the two mare patrons there.
“Pardon me, Ladies.” He gave a wink, causing the two mares to giggle and blush slightly at the strange lanky stallion that had intruded on their late lunch.
The moment was interrupted, however, as an explosion and then a shower of glass, metal and a tall column of flame erupted behind the fluorescent green pony.
“Like, that's my cue! Gotta go!” Brad leap from the table and onto the next cafe furniture as the redneck loudly grunted out curses. His pursuer barrel into another group of onlookers, scattering them like bowling pins. But nothing seem to be slowing down the bounty hunter or stopping him from loading more shells into his weapon.
Brad leap off the last cafe table and gallop back into the crowded street. As he jinx his way through the large crowds of ponies, he spotted an opportunity ahead. He continued on galloping down the street before suddenly faking a left turn into another crowd, then crouching low and leaping over to the far right.
Brad sailed through the shoppers and into the open shop doorway, crashing into a display case of mantelpiece clocks. The neon green stallion righted himself and bolted towards (to what he hoped to be) an exit door. However, it wasn't until he had reached the door when he realize, to his utter horror, that he had no clue as to how to operate the door's ornate brass knob.
'Oh no. Nononononononononononono-' Brad's thoughts screamed in frustrated agony as he stood helplessly in front only means of escape, uselessly hoofing at it's doorknob.
“Come on. Come on! ” Brad moaned as his hoofs jiggled the metal knob. He look over his withers, half expecting to see the glitter and confetti paper covered bounty hunter filling the store door frame. But the shop's entrance was empty.
'Maybe I lost him.' Brad hoped to himself. He held his breath as he watch the ponies who were peacefully milling about outside. He nearly jumped out of his skin when he heard the voice.
“Can I help you?” The slightly tangy voice ask. Brad whipped his head around to see a brown colored stallion with a dark spiky mane looking at him curiously.
Brad's fiery orange irises shrunk down to pinpricks. 'Oh shit. He knows dude. HE KNOWS!'
“Uh...” Brad heard himself started to said as the store walls of ticking wall-clocks started to close it on him.
'What am I doing?! I don't belong here! This was insane! I must, like, the biggest fucking tard to think that this would ever work out. I've be here for like, what? A day and a half? And already I'm in trouble!'
Brad's head started to swivel about, thinking that at any moment he was going to see the bounty hunter hop out from behind the rows of grandfather clocks. The florescent green pony started to hyper ventilate as the room started to spin. But then he caught a glimpse of his cutie-mark on his flank. It was of leaping horse shoe surrounded by five stars. And It was his cutie-mark . He earned that. HIM.
'Dude. CHILLAX! Gotta keep it together. Gotta be cool. Your not Brad Carter, the part time pizza delivery guy and full time loser anymore. Your not that guy anymore. Your a pony now. Your Twinkle-Toes; Parkour Pony Extraordinaire! Remember?! Your a fucking rock star! And while you may have ninety-nine problems, being AWESOME is certainly not one of them!'
“Nah, man. Just resting my hooves.” Brad replied coolly to the worry looking shop keeper.
The unconvinced shopkeeper cocked an eyebrow. “Do you normally rest your hooves by repeatedly smacking them on door handles?”
“Uh ...Okay. Dude. I'm gonna be straight with you. ” Brad gestured to the pony shopkeeper to come closer. He looked at Brad in puzzlement before reluctantly trotting over to him. Brad led in and whisper into the pony's ear, “...I'm, like, agoraphobic.”
The shop keeper looked back at Brad frowning for a sec before his eyebrows when up in shock. “Oh...Oh! So you can't-”
“Yeah. So, Uh...Can't-” He started to fumble about as he briefly saw over the shopkeeper's withers the bounty hunter outside walking back and forth among the crowd of pony shoppers.
“My goodness.” The brown colored stallion said. “Sorry to hear that. It must hard for you to-”
“Yeah, totally tragic.” Brad interrupted the pony whose cutie-mark was an hour glass. “Look - I really need to use your shop's back entrance so I can avoid having another panic attack. Please?”
“Sure, no problem!” The shopkeeper answered enthusiastically. “Just go through there and go past the stair case. You'll find a door to a side alley exit that'll lead you right to Strawberry Field Lane.”
“Awesomesauce. Now, I have, like, another favor to ask of you-” Brad pointed a hoof at the troublesome doorknob.
“Ah. Not a big fan of antique Equestrian door knobs?” The brown stallion shopkeeper said, chuckling.
“Uh, yeah. Just one of my many weaknesses.”
“I really don't want to step away from my register without locking up...But I guess I could as long as I don't dally.” The shopkeeper said as he walked over to the door.
“Your afraid of getting robbed?” Brad ask in concerned. 'Is that even a thing around here?'
“Getting rob? In Equestria? ” The shopkeeper barked out a laugh as he opened the door into the long hallway.
“You've been reading too many fictitious period pulp novels, my friend.” The shopkeeper guffawed as they past a stair case. “Think of risking such a petty, yet tenacious, deed would be asking for the wrath of the goddesses upon themselves.” The shopkeeper gave out a physical shudder at this.
“Yea. Ha-ha. Right. Silly question.” Brad said as he too shudder at the shopkeeper's comment.
“No, it's those darn fillies I have to be on the look out for.”
'He can't be? No way he could be talking those fillies.'
“Your worried about a couple of fillies?” Brad asked. “For realz?”
“You must be from out of town. Lucky you.” The Stallion said with a hint of envy. “However if you stick around, you'll have a run in with the infamous Cutie Mark Crusaders sooner or later.”
“The Cutie Mark Crusaders?” Brad asked in bewilderment “Their local troublemakers-?”
The shopkeeper bellowed with laughter as soon as Brad said the word troublemakers. He even forced Brad come to a halt so he could wipe the tears from his eyes with his hooves. “Oh Cestlia, no. Ho, ho. No, they just get some wild ideas into adorable little heads sometimes as to how to earn their cutie marks. You how it is.”
“Uh, yeah. Been there.” Brad lied through his pony teeth.
The shopkeeper suddenly turned on him in the hallway. “Expect you haven't. ” He said, his face unsmiling.
Brad scooted backwards. 'Oh, shit! Busted!'
“No pony as. Not like these fillies , mister.” The brown stallion said as he turn back to trot down the hallway. Brad let out a breath of relief as he followed the shopkeeper.
“Let tell you," The shopkeeper continued on as they got closer to the exit door. "This whole town will be breathing a whole lot easier once those three get their marks. Did you know that just last month that Bon-Bon awoke up in the middle of night thinking her store downstairs was getting robbed? ”
“Wait! I thought-”
“That's what she thought too until she found out it was the Cutie Mark Crusaders! ”
“What! They were-”
“No, no. They weren't even looking to rob anypony. They were only trying to get their 'safe cracking' cutie-marks by using HER STORE SAFE .”
“Narly.” Brad couldn't help but chuckle to himself as he imagine Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo as three, pint-size harden fillies huddling around a bank vault while wearing 1920's mobsters attire and talking amongst themselves like gangsters straight out of a Bugs Bunny
“Luckily, she just happen to walk in as they were about to apply an dangerous, unstable substance called, um nitro-something.”
“Nitroglycerin?!”
“That's it! Apparently. they 'borrowed' some from the town librarian's laboratory.”
“Uh- ”
“You can say that, again. Both her and twilight sparkle gave those three fillies one stern of a talking to that night.” The shopkeeper said as they came to a stop in front of the side alleyway entrance door.
“Well, that is quite a story there...” Brad said as he watch in awe as the stallion open the door to the alleyway.'Okay, how is he doing that?! Seriously, how do hooves work?!'
“Oh! How rude of me!” The shopkeeper said with a look of embarrassment. “Here I am bending your ear and I haven't even give you my name! I'm Time Turner. And it case you haven't guess by now with all the clocks in my place, times my game.”
“I'm Twinkle Toes.” Brad said with a flare of panache. “And parkour is my thing.”
“An' Ah'm Seriously pissed off.” A thick accented voice growled behind the two stallions.
A thick, black leather combat boot rushes past Brad Carter and Time Turner faces and slammed the exit door shut. Brad turned his head in time to have the business end of a shotgun shoved into his face.
Even though the hallway they were all in was built with their occupants in mind, somehow, Brad's five-foot-eight tall human pursuer managed to stealthily corner him inside the cramp corridors.
“Ah suggest ya make like uh statue an' freeze” The red faced man said as he towered over him, his nostrils flared. “Cause if ya even think of runnin', ya gonna git uh face load of rock salt.”
Author's Note
Ka-BOOM! Another chapter is done! Oh Yeah! I hope you've thoroughly enjoyed the mayhem and panic attacks. If not, well, feel free to give me some suggestions. I can take it! Raaagh! Lay it on me, brotha!
Up Next : Crouching Bounty Hunter, Flying Pony
Also the moral of this tale is: Always lock your doors. Otherwise, your just askin' for trouble; Whether it be an angry shotgun totin' redneck or the safe bustin' CMC Gang.
MLP: Friendship is Exclusive. Humans need not apply.
Chapter 4 - Crouching Bounty Hunter...
“What? No Bean Bags?” Brad asked half jokingly at the sweating bounty hunter. The back of the human's shoulders brushed up aganst the hallway ceiling forcing him to uncomfortably slouched over the green stallion.
“Thanks to u, Ah'm all out of bean bag loads.” The bounty hunter grumbled as he chewed on his toothpick, his finger tightening on the trigger of the shotgun.
“Okay! Chill man!” Brad said as he stared crossed eyed at the warm metal muzzle of the 12 gauge perched on the tip of his nose. He sat down on his haunches and slowly held up his fore legs. “If you want me be a statue, then, like, I'm Discord.”
The bounty hunter gave the florescent colored stallion an odd look before he burst out into a roar of laughter.
“uh, ha, ha ?” Brad said nervously.
“Whoo-wee ...That's uh good one! Discord. Ha! ” The man said as he used his free hand to wipe away a tear from underneath his sunglasses. “Heh. Ah hadn't had mahself uh gut buster like that for uh long time. If ya only knew. Ah, heh, heheh!”
“Like, thanks?”
The bounty hunter's merriment evaporated into a scowl. “Now, Ah don't wanna kill ya, an' ya don't wanna be dead.” The human said as he yanked loosed a piece of corded rope attached to side of the shotgun's magazine tube.
“So whats it gonna be?” The bounty hunter asked as a large corded noose swung freely from the end of the shotgun. “Are yer gonna come along quietly or are yer goin' to be trouble?”
“There is no way that going to fit, pig.” The neon stallion said coolly as he cross his forelegs across his chest.
Brad watch Time Turner's eye's nearly bugged out of his head at his blatant refusal to cooperate with the redneck. To anypony else, it would look like the day glow stallion had just signed off on the cause of his own death. But to Brad Carter it was golden opportunity to get away from a towering, straw hat wearin' thug.
Before Brad's life changing experience happen, parkour was his life. If he wasn't free running, he was either watching the show My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic or asleep. And even then, he was at least dreaming about it. To say that Brad Carter was an expert on gravity and it's effects on humans was gross understatement. Brad Carter was the proverbial scholar on the very subject.
So when he saw that the hunched over bounty hunter with only one free hand and one leg supporting himself while the other held the exit door shut, he didn't see a fully geared up 275 pound bounty hunter that was ready to rearrange his pony face.
He saw 275 pounds of deadweight that was poorly supported.
Time Turner finally decided to speak up in the hopes of persuading the bounty hunter into not eating his newest friend and customer. “Uh, Mr. Coltran sir? I am so sorry! I didnt' know-” He started to say as he ducked under the leg that the bounty using to keep the door to the alleyway shut.
“Shut up and git outta here before Ah change mah mind an' charge ya with aidin' an' abettin' an wanted fugitive.”
Turner gave Brad a look disappointment mixed with fear as he open his mouth to say something to him. But the bounty hunter didn't give the shopkeeper a chance to speak.
“What are ya standin still around for?! Ah said git the fuck out, horse!” The bounty hunter roared. Turner yelp and bolted out of hallway. The redneck gave brad a toothy grin as he heard the slam of the halldoor.
“Hell's your problem?!” Brad said glaring up at the bounty hunter. “You didn't have do that! He didn't know! Why do you like causing so much trouble for everypony?”
“Ah don't like trouble. Ah um trouble. An' ya startin' to cramp mah style. So shut ya trap an' put on yer necktie.”
“Dude. I already told you, it's not going to fit.”
“If I want your opinion, I'll beat it outta ya twerp! Now, put ya head thru.” The bounty hunter said as he thrust the noose towards to Brad's face.
“Do it yourself, you inbred, shit-suckin' hillbilly!” Brad gave the man his biggest grin.
“U SUNNA WHOR-” The bounty hunter thundered out as his hand came rushing down to grab Brad's mane. And played right into Brad Carter's hooves. As Brad fell over onto his side, the enrage bounty hunter bent even further over to allow his hand to trail after the bright pink mane.
'The bigger they are...' Brad though as he kick out with his hind legs at the bent over bounty hunter's leg. The man let out cried of surprise as his leg slid out from under him causing him to lose his balance and tumble head first into the floorboards.
The neon pony rolled beneath the somersaulting man, like a surf boarder riding inside the hollow curl of a wave, before flipping backwards onto his hooves to safety.
Brad gallop away, glancing over looking over his shoulder to the flaying and cursing pile of bounty hunter on the floor and grinned to himself. '…The harder they fall.'
·~ ͽ¤ͼ ~·
Mal was cussing up a storm as he got to his feet. “Goddamn shit-stain, jap-slappin', peckerhead sum uh-” The bounty hunter's band of his straw hat flipped over his eyes as he hit the back of his head on the low ceiling.
'The fuck um Ah doin'?' Mal questioned as he stood in a hallway build to for ponies, chunks of ceiling plaster raining about his shoulders and down the neck of his collar.
'Ah should be shillin' shitty law enforcement products. Ah should be givin' the bank the run around as they try to foreclose on another one of mah apartment buildin's. Ah should be on the phone screamin' at mah moneygrubbin' ex-wife for not allowin' me to see mah daughter again.
'Yet here Ah um. One year later, livin' in shack with uh trunk full of gold an' still stuck in the land of talkin' horses. Those two bitches must be really yucking up there right now. Jes sittin' pretty up in that fancy castle of theirs, talkin' about jes' what uh sucker ol' Mauler Coltran is – Of how the baddest, ass kickin' bounty hunter in the good ol' US of A is reduced to sum retard custodial cowboy that wrangles up sad sacks of shits.'
“Well fuck that noise!” The Bounty hunter roared as he pounded his fist into the ceiling. “DO YA HEAR ME MOTHERFUCKER! AH AIN'T BEATEN YET! HELLS UH COMMIN' FOR DINNER! AN' HE'S BRIN' UH SIDE DISH OF PAIN FOR YA!”
·~ ͽ¤ͼ ~·
Brad was standing at the top of a staircase. He didn't know for how long. All he knew was entire upstairs of Time Turner's shop was anything short of amazing.
Clocks. Clocks every wheres! The entire second floor was entirely wide open and fill with an assortment of clocks of all shapes and sizes. There were work spaces covered with clocked parts, gears, gems, springs and pull chains. Stack piles of books of all kinds. Chalk boards covered in recorded charts and graphs. Barrows and crates filled with clock hands and levers. The entire massive workshop of chaos looked like a steam punk enthusiast's wet dream.
But it was what sat in the middle of the cluttered room that had Brad Carter forget all about his current troubles momentarily.
The object in question was an beautifully craved chaise longue. The kind that Rarity would always use to faint on in the My Little Pony show. Heck, Brad wouldn't have even known what a chaise longue even was if it weren't for a cartoon show about talking ponies.
But what made this chaise longue stand out from Rarity's was that it was destine for greater things then being used as stage for mellow dramatics.
It had brass banister rails with steam values outlining the ornate piece of french made upholstered furniture. It had huge column that jutted from the corner of the headrest, with numerous brash branches of levelers, each tipped with large color gems. At the top of the column was an huge tree like canopy made entirely of thick pieces of prism glass.
Either Time Turner was either constructing an amazing work of art or he was building himself a time machine straight outta HG Wells. Brad want to examine it closer, but the maze of clutter was preventing him from doing so. He sworn that he saw a carving of sorts in each individual glass prism.
The green stallion was about to attempt to enter into Turner's work space/labyrinthine when he heard sounds of shouts coming from downstairs.
“I don't allow anypony to go upstairs. Not even you!”
·~ ͽ¤ͼ ~·
“Git the hell outta mah way, horse!” The Mal yelled at the pony preventing him from going ascending the stair.
The brown coated stallion tried to bring itself to it's full height as it stood in front of the Bounty hunter.
“I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I can't let you pass!” The shopkeeper said with stern conviction. “You can search every where else but the upstairs is off limits! ”
But the bounty hunter chuckled loudly as he display his yellowed gap teeth. “Oh, really? Well, Ah got uh badge an' this here 12 gauge that says Ah can!”
Mal shoved the pony aside as he moved up the stairs, his heavy boots causing the stair to creak and moan in protest with each step.
“Your only wasting your time! I told you already, your fugitive escaped out the front of my shop!” Mal ignored him as he continued up the staircase. The shopkeeper tugged on Mal's cargo pant's leg. “D-Don't you need a writ or a warrant or something?”
“The hell ya hiding up there, other then sum green freak?!” Mal shout at the pony in exasperated.
“Uh, none thing, really!” The stallion shopkeeper said as he backed down a step. “Honest!”
Suddenly there was loud thump as something fell over upstairs.
“Did ya smell that?” Mal asked in a stage whisper as he sniffed the air.
“Smell what?” The perplex shopkeeper whispered back.
“Smells...” Mal took a big dramatic whiff of the air. “...Like sum horse been caught fibbin' to the Mauler.”
“What?! I don't-WAH!” The surprised shopkeeper cried out as Mal booted the pony down the stairs. He chuckle as he watched the brown stallion fall down flight of stairs before turning and climbed the rest of the stairs.
When Mal reached the top of the staircase he scanned around the huge junk strewn room. Mal wrinkled his nose at the smell. The place smelt like an old abandon barn. 'Ho-lee-Shit. Someone call Horders.' Mal thought as he kick a metal sprocket with the toe of his combat boots.
“Don't worry.” The bounty hunter chortled. “Ah promise to close mah eyes if Ah come across any of yer horsie porn stash.”
“Don't you DARE touch anything!” An angry voice from down below yelled. “Your primitive intellect wouldn't understand alloys and compositions and things with molecular structures!”
'Goddamn horses!' Mal thought tiredly as he flipped a book off a work table with the end of his Mossberg. 'Goddamn horses and their boring, dumb horse secrets. Speaking of horses...'
Author's Note
Will Brad Carter AKA Twinkle-Toes, AKA 360 Parkour Stuntmaster 4 Life get away from ol' meanie pants Mal 'Mauler' Coltran?
Will Mal finally throw in the towel and finally learn that friendship is truly magical?
Will Time Turner be able to stop the interdimensional space vampires from assassinating Princess Celestia?
I have no idea.
Your guess is as good as mine.
Coming up next: ...Flying Pony
MLP: Friendship is Exclusive. Humans need not apply.
Chapter 5 - ...Flying Pony
Mal slowly ripped the velcroed flap down on the pouch that held his tear gas grenades.
“Alright Brad! Despite what yer horse buddy says about ya slippin' yer way back outside, Ah know yer in here. Sum' where. Remember back when ya asked me if Ah would gas sum horse's home just to get to u. Those were sum good times.
"Now Ah'm gonna give you the count of ten to show yerself." Mal said as he was about to pull out one of the grenades. "Hell, Ah might jes' count to five instead. Either way yer goin' to start suckin' tear gas if u-”
Something shifted from behind one of larger work stations. Mal jerk his head over towards the sound. He smirked crookedly and tighten up his grip on the mossberg as he started to silently creep towards the noise in question.
“Please let me talk to him!” The voice behind him pleaded. “Allow me to persuade him to turn himself in! Mr. Coltran, please, I beg of-”
Mal started to chewed the end of his toothpick into splinters as the shopkeeper continued to grate on his nerves. The urgency in the brown color stallion's voice increased in volume as Mal made his way further into the room.
“Please, Mr.Coltran, sir! Everything here is of vital important to me. Please don't touch THAT! I don't know if you can understand me or care to, but I cannot afford to have my life’s work to be ruin by-”
The ever-annoying shopkeeper let out a loud gasp as Mal spun on the pony.
“Ah don't give a good goddamn about what yer storin' here in ya barn! All I care about gittin' mah bounty and gittin' mah award. An' if ya don't stop flappin' those horse lips at me, Ah will start makin' it mah job to start seein' uh certain horse everyday until it dies or moves outta town. Do we have an' understandin'?”
“Just don't touch anything.” The shopkeeper replied in defeat.
Mal turned back to the covered pile that sat beside a drafting table. He started to slowly approaching the suspected canvas covered pile when, suddenly, the cloth cover burst into life.
It took off running towards one of few glass paned windows in the large room. Mal started to unloading onto the moving canvas but after the second blast, a pair of brown hooves shoved the barrel up into the ceiling.
Mal let out a savage snarl as he cuffed the shopkeeper on the side of his head with the butt of his riot gun. He leveled the gun back onto his escapee in time to see his bounty smash through the window, it's canvas cloth flapping out into the warm summer air.
·~ ͽ¤ͼ ~·
Brad land onto a market stall on the street below the store. Immediately, the neon colored stallion threw himself sideways to distribute the impact of the landing. He fell onto the street rolled out of the canvas covering and beneath a pull cart.
When Brad rolled out of the other side of the cart and got to his hooves, he found himself standing right besides a spooked Applejack.
“What in tarnation?!” The stetson wearing mare yelled.
“Love the hat!” Brad shouted back over his withers as he scurried away.
“Uh, thanks?” The perplex apple farmer replied as she watched the strange stallion push his into the crowds of startled ponies and shopkeepers in front of her.
·~ ͽ¤ͼ ~·
Mal stood inside the broken window frame, watching the neon pony drift into the crowded street below. He let out a tired sigh.'Well, if the fall don't kill me, mah heart will.' He spat out his the splintery shreds of his toothpick, took off his hat and leapt out the second story window.
Applejack suddenly found herself hauled off the ground as the cart tipped backwards.
“Waaaah!” the orange freckled face mare shouted with surprised panic as her legs kicking out helplessly, as her cart's hardness held her up in the air.
She turn her head to see Mal Coltran lying on top of her cart load of apples. “Git outta mah cart!” She yelled in anger. The bounty hunter made a weird gesture with his one of his hands towards the apple farmer as he leapt off the cart, causing the mare to come crashing back down into the hard, stone pavement.
·~ ͽ¤ͼ ~·
Brad was trying his best to make some headway through the thick crowd. He spotted a nearby pile of stacked wooded crates and jostled his way over. He started to climbed the pile of crates when suddenly a pair of hands wrapped around his shocking pink tail hairs.
Brad looked back in shock to see his terror stricken face being reflected back from the man's sunglasses. “Gotcha.” The bounty hunter grinned up at the fright bounty before whipping the 175 pound pony off the shipping crates.
The stallion was slammed in the ground with such a force that it knocked the air out of him. The redneck knelt over him, grabbing the pony by the throat. A neon green hoof weakly smacked the giant's face, knocking the bounty hunter's sunglasses off.
“Oh, ya not done are ya?” The bounty hunter said as he lift the pony up by the throat before sending him crashing back down into the street.
SLAM!
“Ya gonna give up now? Huh?”
“ca-can't br-breath.” The pony choked out.
“Wrong answer.”
The bounty hunter smacked the stallion's head with the back of his hand hard enough to rattle the pony's teeth.
Brad coughed and spat blood into the Mauler's face. The bounty hunter narrow his steel blue eyes as he place one of his rough hands on top of the pony's face
“Looks like sum one needs to be taught uh lesson on why messin' wit the Mauler is not such uh good idea. ”
“No! W-Wait! Can't we, like, talk about this?” The stallion ask.
“That offer expired a long time ago, kiddo.”
Mal sent Brad's head bouncing off the pavement.
The stallion felt the searing white hot pain flare across his vision. When the pain faded, his fluorescent eyes focused and then widened as he saw the Mauler cocking back a huge knuckle duster clad fist, the dull brass gleaming in the sun light.
“Say goodnight Gracy!”
But before the bounty hunter could lay down the punishing blow, a pair of neon hind legs slammed into the crouching bounty hunter's cojones.
The man's eyes rolled up into the back of his head and hiss out in pain as he fell over onto his side.
Brad shakily got to his hooves and started to wobbly trot his way from the groaning human. But he didn't get far as a hand nabbed the pony's right hoof.
“Ah ain't finished wit ya yet!” Mauler snarled.
The stallion bucked back with his left back leg, hitting the bounty hunter squared on face.
There was a loud snap and the man cried out in pain as he released the fluorescent pony.
'Does this asshole ever quit?' Brad thought as he started to make his way past the surrounding circle of onlookers.
The stallion only made it about a dozen or so strides before hearing the sudden roar of the bounty hunter behind him.
Brad pour on the speed as he took off down the street.
The sound of his pursuers heavy boots drew closer and closer. Brad Carter juked his way through the crowed throngs of shoppers.
The massive shadow of bounty hunter seem to be growing larger by the second as it loomed over the day-glow pony. The Mauler was gaining on the him and the stallion started to panic as he felt the man's finger tips whip through the edges of his mane.
In a last ditch effort to lose the hulking Mauler, Brad swerved to the left and then jumped over an elderly mare's walker.
CRASH!
ARRRRRGH!!
The obnoxious colored pony whipped his head back at the noise in time to see his pursuer legs tangle up in the pony's walker.
Brad spun around on his hooves and drifted backwards a few feet as he watch the Mauler tumble head over heels in a collision course with some background pony's market stand.
He brayed out a triumph “Ha-ha!” as the bounty hunter impacted with the blue pony's stand, sending pineapples and coconuts flying into the air.
And then the stallion started dancing a little jig in the middle of the street while singing a horrendously off key, Pinkie's 'Giggle at the Ghostly,' to celebrate his foe's unfortunate shopping trip.
Author's Note
So is Brad Carter gonna get his flanked sued off by Pinkie Pie?
Coming up next: Givin' it the ol' College try
MLP: Friendship is Exclusive. Humans need not apply.
Chapter 6 - Givin' it the ol' College try
While the market's bystanders were torn between staring at Minuette's crushed stand and the day glow pony's poor rendition of a local resident's song and dance routine, the large bipedal groan aloud.
Mal groaned as he lift himself out of the pile of crushed pineapples and cracked coconuts shells.
“Ah'm git'n too old for this shit.” He grumbled as he brush off the bits of broken wood, coconut hairs and glitter.
“Are you okay Mr. Coltran?” A wide-eyed blue color pony asked worriedly, her hoof to her mouth. “Your not hurt, are you?”
“Only mah pride, Ma'am.” Mal managed to wheezed out as he scooped up his sunglasses and straw hat out the debris of tropical produce.
While the dancing pony was busy murdering the famous pink pony's song, Mal was busy trying to reintroduce oxygen to his burning lungs. He scowled at the pony who was busy busting a groove out on the market street.
'Time to take down this sumabitch before he does sum thin' really dumb.'
“HEY!” Mal roared causing the neon pony to stop mid-jig. “Fun an' games are over. Ya had ya fun. Now time for ya to git ya pony ass on over here before ya do sum thin' ya'll be regrettin' later!”
They stood there in the quiet market street, just staring down at one another for several seconds before Mal got his answer.
“PLUUUUUUUUUR-PT!!” The self-named “Twinkle-Toes” replied with a one-two combo of the Bronx cheer and fore hooves jerk gesture.
'Come on! Really?! After every thing that's happen?' Mal's entire body ached with pain. He didn't know what was going burst out his chest first; his lungs or his heart. 'What the hell did this kid have for breakfast today?! Three bowls of Wheaties with uh case of Red Bull?!'
Mal inwardly groaned as he watch the day glow stallion do the moonwalk in the middle of the street. The pony didn't stick around for the encore though when he saw the mossberg being unslung. The brightly colored pony turn tail and bolt down the market street
Mal squinted down the barrel's sight, his finger gently tightening on the trigger. But he found himself unable to committed to the action. Rocksalt loads weren't exactly made with precision in mind. And if Queen Glitter-Puss found out that he blasted off a load of rocksalt into a crowd of her ponies, having his ass kicked to the moon would be the least of his worries.
'Balls!' Mal thought as he re-slung the shotgun. Despite what his aching body was telling him, he was determine to nab his quarry. He had to get back to Becky. Catching the neon pony by boot leather alone was out of the question.
But there was to be a scheduled storm in less then an hour and Parkour Brony shattered Becky's windshield. And by the time he got to the truck, it be pouring buckets. His bounty would likely be able to sucker some local into letting him spent the night at their resident and Mal would end up mucking about in the rain searching house to house.
“Dammit.” He grumbled to himself as he watched the pony scrambled down the street. 'What now? Ah can't be usin' Heartstrings again. No way he'll be goin' to her again for help. So close, yet so far. Ah could probably nail that fucker with uh brick or uh loose cobble stone. Or maybe...'
Mal kicked one of the street stand's uncracked coconuts up off the ground. He caught it with the palm of his hand and before could he put his plan into motion, he felt a tugging on his pants leg.
*Ahem!*
Mal look down to see a blue upraised hoof.
“Ah...How much for this here coconut, Ma'am?” He asked the blue pony.
“200 bits” The blue and white maned mare said, straight faced.
“WHAT?!” Mal thundered, “For uh lousy coconut?! that's highway robbery!”
“No. 200 bits for all of the lousy coconuts, pineapples and the stand you destroyed.”
“Awww...come ON! Can't ya see Ah'm try'n to work here?”
“Guess that makes two of us then!” She raise her upturned hoof higher.
“uh, uh...um look...” He watch as his gaudy colored bounty getting nearing to the end of the street.
'Shoot! What is her name. Blueberry Pie? Sea Breeze? No, Mal, that one's white, this one's blue. Fuck! whats her name...ah-HAH! Got it!'
Mal gave the blue pony a pleading smile as watch as his four legged paycheck getting further and further away from him.
“...Look Miss Pineapple Surprise, Ah'm sorry 'bout ya stand. It's been uh long day an' -”
The mare's brow furrowed. “It's Minuette. ” She said coldly.
'Shit. Stupid dumb horse names.' Mal thought
“Look, could ya jes gimme ah break? Ah promise to make it up to ya, Ah swear.”
“And I already gave you a 'break' last month when that unicorn tossed you into my stand. 200 bits"
“Ah can only spare ya 125 bits. It's all Ah've got on me right now.”
“175” She said.
He glared at the pony before looking back at the his escaping prey.
“Ah ain't got time for ya grievances, hoss.” Mal snorted and spat out a bloody wad of phlegm onto the broken debris of Minuette's stand. “Put it on mah tab or sum'in.” He said as he started to crank back his ol' college pitching arm. The blue pony's horn glow. The coconut levitated right out of his grip and floated back down towards the blue mare.
“Whoa! Hold ya horses!” Mal cried out in panic as he tried to snatch the floating nut out of the air. “Give it back! Ah was only funn' wit ya! 150 bits!”
“Sold.” Minuette said as she levitated the coconut back into Mal's reach. He snatched the coconut out of the air, cranked back his arm for the ol' college football 'Mauler Special' and snapped off his deadly payload.
Meanwhile, Brad Carter just couldn't believe his luck. He was nearly at the end of the street and the dumb lug was just standing back there as he made off his escape.
'Once I ditch this loser, I'm going to chillax on over at Sweet Apple Acres, sleep outside under Princess Luna's Stars and help myself to a some of applejack cider! And then I'm going to – wait - what is that low pitch whistling noise?'
The crowded market street of bystanders let out a loud “OOOOOO!” as the softball size coconut beamed off the back of the four legged twerp's head.
Some even winced in pain or sucked wind past their teeth as they watch Mal's neon target glided a few feet in the air before smacking back down into the cobble stone street in an unconscious heap.
“YA JES' GOT DE-MAUL-ISH, BITCH!” Mal whoop as he fisted pumped the air.
“YEAAAAAAAH!” One of the onlookers shouted
Mal could only grinned at loud approved of his epic awesome maneuver. He piled the little gold bits onto the blue mares open hooves. “...120...140...150! An' since Ah'm feelin' the element of generosity today - Here's an extra 10 bits.”
Mal picked up one of the few whole pieces of pineapples off the ground, tucking it into his cargo pants pocket as he made his way down the street.
'So lets see...800 bits plus another 200 for the cutie-mark. Ah jes' bagged me uh 1000 gold bounty. Not bad for uh days work. Or workout, heh.' Mal grinned to himself as he swagger through the crowds of market onlookers.
'Still, Ah have to deduct out of it Strings 'finders fee,' uh replacement for the shattered windshield an' the crush fruit stand. So maybe Ah have 640 in mah pocket. Maybe even 700 bits if Ah go 'Mad Max' on the replacement windshield, which would look pretty freakin' swee- '
Mal's thoughts were interrupt by an all-too-familiar-voice.
“Mr. Coltran! Was that really necessary?”
'Ya've gotta be kidding me. Fuck mah life.'
Author's Note
Looks like ol' Mal Coltran's day isn't over yet.
I hope you folks all been enjoying the ride so far. And if not, let me know. I know that I ain't no Hooves Like Jagger , Imploding Colon , shortskirtsandexplosions or Aegis Shield . But I'm ready and willing to improve in anyway I can. So if you don't like what you read, feel free to tell me why. Don't hesitant or beat around the bush either. Just tell it like it is and I'll be sure to listen to ya.
Coming up next: Forced Lessons in Friendship
MLP: Friendship is Exclusive. Humans need not apply.
Chapter 7 - Forced Lessons in Friendship
Refusing to break his stride, he replied over his shoulder to his purple inquisitor and her talking assistant dragon.
“Abso-fuckin'-lutely! Ah nearly blew uh gasket chasin' this jackass all over town. As far as Ah'm consider, he had it comin'.”
'Ugh.' Twilight thought as she trailed after the glitter covered human. Already the bounty hunter's loud, raspy thick accent was giving Twilight Sparkle a headache. 'Pinkie, you owe me. Big Time.'
This was not the first time the librarian had to confront the unpleasant human. He was almost always causing trouble for either one of her friends or for the entire town. And it always came down to her to straight things out with Mal. Or at least try to.
“Did you even try talking to him, Mal?” Twilight asked in annoyance.
“No, Ah sign us up for uh foot race, Sparkles.” Mal said as he move in on the groaning pony form of Brad Carter. “Of course Ah tried talkin' to him! He jes' didn't wanna listen.”
“So that justifies hitting him in the head with a coconut?”
“Oh mah blessed stars an' stripes, why couldn't ya jes' stay inside ya lil' treehouse today.” Mal said as he took the leg irons off his belt.
“I would have, except a certain little pink birdy told me about how some cowpony was running around shooting up the town like it was O.K. Coltrral.”
“Sparkles, first off, it's cowboy . Ah ain't uh horse.” Mal said as he knelt down, “An' second, Ah don't tell ya how to do ya job. So jes' back off an' let me do mine.”
He placed a knee on the pony's back causing the stallion to squirm. “MAL! Stop IT!” The librarian yelled. “DUDE! Your hurting him!” The librarian’s assistant dragon screeched
Mal tuned out their voices as he worked the irons shackles around the pony's back legs. However, a few seconds later he was shoved off the squirming neon pony onto his ass.
“HEY! YA FUCKIN' BITCH!” Mal shouted out as his arm instinctively reached for the holster containing the pepper spray. Which was empty. He had used it over a year ago on their horse goddess. And while it did take that smug look off it's face (a memory which he will always cherished) it was still not worth the price he had to pay (a moment of which will haunt him forever).
Mal wished he still had his pepper spray. Then again, maybe it was good thing he DIDN'T have it, seeing how the purple mare's horn was glowing so bright that it was making Mals eyes water. But it didn't mean Mal was about to sit there and take little miss humanitarian's hippie bullshit on the nose. No sir.
“Sparkles, where Ah come from, assaulting uh civil servant earns ya free beatings an' ten years in prison.”
“Dude, not cool.” The purple pain in the ass's assistant lizard said as he puff out his little scaly chest. “You have no right to be threatening her. Your going to have to go THROUGH ME before you even touch a hair on -”
The lavender mare pushed the little dragon back behind her. “Spike! Settle down! I've got this!”
“Okay, Twilight. Although, I'm right here if you need back up.” The small dragon said as he fold his arms and scrunch up his face into scowl towards Mal. Which only made the 5'8" tall and 250 pound human chuckled at the sight of the scaly midget trying to intimate him. 'Heh. It looks Godzilla sucking on some lemons!'
Rolling her eyes at the baby dragon's bravado, Twilight Sparkle turned her attention back to the human who was already squatting back down and continuing with the task shackling the ponyifed human.
“Ah don't git as to what yer so worked up 'bout, Sparkles.” Mal said as he tested each of the shackles' pins with a painful yank. “It's not like he's one of ya own kind.”
“Mr. Coltran, we don't HURT other ponies.” She stomped a hoof on the ground. “And just because you're stuck here doesn't give you the excuse to take it out on others.”
Mal guffawed. “Oh, that's real cute , Sparkles. Ya jes' got me all figured out, don't ya...”
Just then the brightly colored pony came to. His eyes fluttered and then slowly blinked as his fiery orange eyes started to focus in on famous purple unicorn.
“Is - Is that Twilight Sparkle ?” He ask aloud in awe.
'Damn it. He couldn't just stay unconscious could he now? Nope. He just had to wake up in time to make things awkward in front of this place's resident hero.'
“Yup. An' now say yer goodbyes, fan boy.”
“OMG! Twilight! You gotta help me.”
But there was nothing Twilight could do to help the human turned pony from his fate. She was even told by both Princesses that their subjects were forbidden to interact with the curious creatures known as 'humans'. Especially the ones that referred to them selves as 'bronies'. However, this wasn't the first time Twilight had a ponyified human talk to her. And no matter how brief her interactions were, they still were just as unnerving as her first time.
It was overwhelming to meet these forbidden creatures who could read her and her friends like open books. Who knew all of their personal achievements and failures. And, at the same time, it was oddly liberating.
It was almost as if they truly knew the real Twilight Sparkle.
Twilight could only look down at the cobble stone paving as she answered. “I-I can't. Mister Coltran is Princess Celestia's official court appointed human bounty hunter.”
“I've heard. Why? Whats going on?!”
“Well Bucko...” Mal started in as he slapped the rusty iron neck collar around Brad's neck. “Ya bronies and bronettes are better at creatin' chaos an' mass-panic then creatin' harmony an' friendships. An' since her horsey highness has better things to do then to go outside of her fancy castle everyday an' catch all ya freaks - that's where Ah come in.”
“Wh-what?”
Mal's toothy grin widen. This was the part that he loved almost as much as the getting paid part. When he curbed stomped their little dreams & hopes and then ground them down into powered dust.
“Let me spell it out for ya, sport. Queen Glitter-Puss -”
“Princess Celestia!” Twilight and Spike yelled at the bounty hunter.
“- doesn't want ya here. No pony wants ya here. Ya've worn out ya welcomes. Ya git the picture, freak.”
“Ah...” The ponyified human shocked look dissolved into picture perfect sadness.
'Now that's what Ah call ah Kodiak moment! What Ah would give for an' instant camera jes' so Ah could stuff photo albums full of their adorable lil' pony faces when they finally learned the hard truth.'
“I'm sorry you had to find out this way...” Twilight said, her adorable eyes starting to mist up at the human's misery. It wasn't fair. Nopony, no matter what form they took, should be mistreated so cruelly. There was no call for it. And it didn't matter how many letters she wrote in objection to Mr. Coltran's abuse to the Princess, she always received the same warning to stay away from the bounty hunter and his bounties.
Mal wanted to gag. He was about to tell the brony to man the fuck up when Brad's fiery orange pony eyes looked up at the bounty hunter with anger.
“Wait a second...if we're not wanted, then why are you even here?!”
Mal chuckled sadly. “Well slick, it ain't for my love of hugs an' friendship bracelets.”
“Huh?” The ponyified brony was taken aback by the unexpected response. He was ready for an insult, a threat or a fist as his answer.
“He can't leave.” Twilight answered. “The Princess's magic is unable to return him back.”
“What?! Why?”
“Nopony knows why.”
“So I have to leave while this - this - this jerk gets to run around and mistreat ponies?” The neon pony said as he point his hoof up at Mal in outrage.
“Yup!” Mal said. “Ain't life ah bitch.”
Brad was shocked. “ That's...that's terrible.”
“Can say that again! This certainly wasn't what Ah had in mind for retirement.”
“Shut up!” Brad yelled in fury at the bounty hunter. “I wasn't talking to you, you troll!” The brony turn his head towards an uncomfortable Twilight Sparkle as he pleaded.
“Twilight... I understand that others have spoiled it for the rest of us humans. I'm disappointed, but I can understand the Princess's reluctance in having us running amuck, spooking her subjects and creating problems for her kingdom.
“But Twilight, I'm different from the others. Don't judge me by the past actions of some bad ponies! All that I'm asking is a the chance to prove it and I swear I'll-”
“What's your name?” Twilight interrupted.
“It's Twinkle Toes.”
Mal smacked Brad right on back on his head, right on spot where the coconut hit him, causing him to slump to the ground moaning agony.
“Don't be givin' her ya stupid OC name, Boy! She wants to know ya real name.”
“Brad.” Brad groan, wrapped his forelegs around the back of his throbbing head.
“Come on! What was that?! SPEAK UP!”
“Mal, Stop it!” Twilight yelled as she stepped in between the bounty hunter and struck pony.
“What, Sparkles? Ah honestly didn't hear it.” Mal shrugged as he smirked down at the adorably angry unicorn. “Ah could barely hear that under that pile of failure.”
“My names Brad Carter.”
Twilight faced the shaking ponyified human. “Brad, I wish I could do something. I really do. But I can't go against the Princess's decreed. And much as I disliked the Princess's Human Appointed Bounty Hunter...” She glanced back up at Mal. “I understand that he has a role to play here in Equestria.”
“Whelp!” Mal beamed as he yanked on ponifed Brad Carter's collar chain. “As much Ah cherished these little chats, Sparkles, Ah've got places to go an' uh paycheck to cash in.”
Mal pulled on the chain, forcing Brad to try to keep up with his brisk pace back to his truck, Becky. But before Mal had made it a dozen steps, the lavender librarian trotted in front of him, forcing him to come to sudden halt.
Twilight scowled upward at the imposing giant. “...However, it does not give Celestia's Court Appointed Bounty Hunter the right to beat up Mr. Carter. Mr. Coltran, I know that you don't like it here and that you don't like us...”
“Ain't that the truth.” Mal gave Twilight a thin smile.
“But-” The purple mare continued, “that doesn't give you the right to take it out on your own kind...even if they are changed into ponies.”
Mal stared at the purple unicorn for a moment before he took off his sunglasses and tucked them into the neckline of his vest. The bounty hunter crouched down until he was at eye level.
It was close enough that Twilight could see the scars, the glitter covered wrinkles and pores on the man's face. Every detail of the strange pattern skin markings that surrounded the bounty hunter's left eye. Blood and sweat drip off the tip of his crooked, redden nose.
Cold, tired, harden dead eyes that drilled themselves into hers that scared her the most. It wasn't a look of malice, or anger. It was look of something that has given up.
“Git out of my way, Sparkles.” The human slowly rasped out. “It's be uh looong day for me. Ah got icepacks an' cold cider callin' out mah name back home. Time for ya to be movin' along. Go stick ya nose in sum books. Go do horse things an' live yer life.”
Twilight would prefer facing off a herd of dragons alone then to be even this close to the bounty hunter. But she continue to stand her ground against the bullying human
“No.”
“Ah goin' to pretend that Ah didn't hear that.”
“I said no Mr. Coltran. This unnecessary abuse going to stop. Today.”
“Sparkles. Git it through ya thick skull.” He jabbed a calloused finger roughly into the mares forehead causing the librarian to wince. “He. Aint. My. Kind. Where Ah come from, adults don't pine to live in uh world of happy rainbows an' colorful horsies-”
“Ponies!” Twilight, Spike and Mal's quarry shouted.
Mal stood back up. “Whatever. Point bein', it's unnatural for grown ass adults to wanna be talkin' ponies or to even have anythin' to do with said ponies. Do ya git me?”
Twilight's horn glowed, ripping the chained leash out the humans hand. It clatter as it hit the pavement.
“No.” She said as she bang a hoof down on the street.
Mal let out a sigh of frustration. “It's gonna be like that, huh Hoss?” He said as he snapped loose the night stick out of it's holster.
“Pick up that chain, hoss...” The bounty hunter flicked his wrist, causing the baton to extend outwards with a loud metallic click. “...Before ya force me to use this on Brad here, for attemptin' to escape.”
“W-wh-what?” Brad whimpered, his ears flatting as he try to scoot backwards away from the bounty hunter.
Twilight steeled her eyes. “Not until you apologize to Mr Carter.”
“Ain't nun' thin' doin', Sparkles. Not after what he put me through this afternoon.”
“He was probably just scared of you.”
“Totally, man. Scared shitless. Like, right now.” Brad interjected and then cowered as the huge man nudged the tip of the metal baton into his nose.
“Ya threw fucking bricks at mah Becky an' destroyed her windshield! An' then ya dented in her roof! Ya broke mah fuckin' NOSE! And on top of all that, ya were DANCIN' an' uh SINGIN' in the goddamn street after ya made me trip an' destroy uh market stand!!”
“I was, like, caught up in the moment?” Brad said. Mal step in towards the day glow pony with a raised baton causing the stallion to stumble backwards over his own hooves.
“How about if you both apologize to each other.” Twilight suggested.
“Oh, he's most definitely gonna apologize to me.” Mal reached over and grabbed a hunk of the fluorescence colored mane and dragged Brad back over to his side. The brony cried out in pain. “Ow ow ow ow ow ow!”
“Like he even had ah choice in the matter.”
“And so are you.” The purple mare smirked.
“Like hell Ah will.”
“Fine - Spike! ”
“Yes?” The dragon awoke and snap to attention.
“Take a letter!”
“Right!” The dragon dug out a paper roll and ink quill out the librarian's saddle bag.
Mal arched a brow in confusion at the sight. “What are ya doin'?”
“Writing a letter to Princess Celestia.” Twilight said nonchalantly.
“Oh...dude.” Brad said as he clopped his two front hooves together. “Your in Trouble now. With a capital T .”
“Shut up.” Mal said as he twisted the pony's ear, causing Brad to whimper in pain. “Like she even gives two hoots of an' mares ass to how Ah do mah work around here. So what if Ah rough up sum' trouble makin' wannabe pony? Yer not one of her subjects.”
“Dear Princess Celestia,” Twilight start to dictate to her dragon assistant. “I happen to be in the market today when your appointed bounty hunter, Mal Coltran, called your esteem student a 'fuckin' bitch'...”
Mal was not expecting his from the purple pony librarian.
Usually these confrontations end with it going back to it's little tree house after failing to persuade him to their hippy dippy horse ways. He was kind of hoping that it would, for once, try some of that kung-fu horse magic on him and therefore giving him an excuse to lay the self righteous mare out in 'self defense'.
But today was not Mal's day.
“Sparkles...” Mal growled.
Twilight didn't give any indication of hearing the bounty hunter as she continue on with her letter. “...I don't know what 'fuckin' bitch' means. Maybe it's a term of endearment or a warm greeting. Perhaps you should ask him for yourself. Also what are the laws pertaining to the discharging of unregistered Equestrian weapons in the middle of Ponyville...”
Mal swung the metal baton at the reptile's unfurled parchment paper in an attempt to tear it out it's claws. But he only succeed in hitting the lavender mare's magical invisible force field causing a stinging pain to vibrate up his arms.
“...Perhaps he wasn't being entirely honest as we once thought. Also the damages to Berry-Punches home and Market Street...”
“Ya send that letter off an' AH WILL END YOU!” Mal screamed in fury. “WE'RE TALKIN' BEARTRAPS AN' NAPLAM!”
“...possible set speed limits for mechanized self propelled vehicle in populated areas of Equestria.
Your faithful student...”
“SCORCHED EARTH MOTHERFUCKER! THE WHOLE NINE YARDS! ”
“Twilight Sparkle.”
She grin as she watched the five foot eight, 275 pound cussing human tremble helplessly before her magical field. Even the assistant was enjoying the human's anguished cries as he purse his lips and blew a tiny green flame that licked the edges of the paper.
'Ah can't believe this. Ah bein' black mailed by uh GODDAMN TALKIN' HORSE!'
Mal slammed a fist on top of the translucent purple field.
“OKAY! OKAY!” The bounty hunter cried out. “Ya made yer point! Don't send the letter! Ah'll do whatever ya want!”
“Apologize. Now.” Twilight pointed a hoof at the fluorescence colored pony.
Mal walked over to Brad. “Sorry.”
“Come Mr. Coltran. Like you mean it.”
Mal grimaced and then did as he was instructed. “Ah apologize for way Ah've mistreated ya.”
Brad Carter on the other hand didn't need any prompting from Twilight. “I apologize for ruining your truck, tripping you, causing you to fall into that market stand, kicking you in the junk and breaking your nose.”
“Now...Hug.” The unicorn commanded.
Mal look at Twilight like she just order him to jump in a viper pit. “No fuckin' way! Ah ain't 'bout to hug no horse.” Mal said as he pointed a finger down at Brad, who was waving his fore legs in protest. “Woah, Twilight! Like, a simple brohoof would be enou-”
“I don't care if he's a duck , Mal.” Twilight snapped back.
Mal folded his arms in defiance. “Ah ain't huggin' no fuckin' brony either, Sparkles. That's gay.”
“HUG! NOW!” Twilight command as she her horn glowed.
The huge man was enveloped by a purple glow as he was forced down onto his knees. Against his will Mal wrapped his big arms around the neon pony's neck.
Brad responded by draping a foreleg over the man's shoulder and patted him on the back with his hoof.
Mal, however, responded by gripping a little tighter around Brads neck and through clenched teeth whispered:
“If Ah ever git outta here an' Ah find out that ya written one them fan stores 'bout us havin' romantic relationships an' stuff, Ah will find u. An' Ah will destroy everythin' ya ever loved or even cared 'bout. Ya git me?”
“No Homo. Got it loud and clear, dude” Brad choked out.
Author's Note
Boo-ya! Another chapter completed. Also if you think Mal's a big meanie pants so far – Ya ain't seen nun' thin' yet. Sorry folks, if this puts you off any. I like my characters rough and difficult. But I promise to lighten things up.
Coming up next: Accidents Happen to the Nicest of Ponies
Okay, maybe not yet.
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MLP: Friendship is Exclusive. Humans need not apply.
Chapter 8 - Accidents Happen to the Nicest of Ponies
“Mal, I said to give him a hug, not make out with him.” Twilight said as she release her magic hold over the bounty hunter.
Mal and Brad exited out their bro hugs fast enough to break Equestrian land speed records. Brad cough loudly into his hoof as Mal collapsed the nightstick and place it back into it's holster.
“So, we done here, Sparkles?” Mal said as he put back on his shades.
“Yeah, Mal we're done.”
'Are we now?' Mal thought. 'Exactly when is it ever gonna be over? When is it ever gonna be over for me? Where's mah big break? Huh? Ever since Ah ever got here, all these stupid horses can ever do is question me, lecture me an' try to correct me like some filthy, half breed mutt.'
Mal gritted his teeth as he watched the letter disappear into the purple mare's saddlebags.
'Look at that smug bitch. Her an' her fuckin' talkin' handbag are goin' to be all over town, gloatin' over their lil' victory. An' by suppertime every single horse is gonna be talkin about of how Princess Sun Hole's pride and joy put one over on the dumb human today.
'Screw that noise. How about instead Ah give them sum' thin' to really talk about.'
“Great! So seeing how me an' Brad here are best buds now,” Mal spoke aloud as he held out his hand. “Ya gonna give me that letter.”
“Actually, I'm thinking of holding on to it, for now.” Twilight said as she patted a fore hoof on her saddle bag. “You know. Just in case you need a reminder .”
“Ya know, that sounds like such an awful, silly idea , Sparkles.” Mal said. “Seein' how flammable an' such that tree house of yours is. Why don't ya hand that over. No point in letting uh trivial little thing be the judge of our friendship with mah pal Brad here.”
Twilight, Brad and Spike all stared up at the bounty hunter in disbelief. It took a few moments for the librarian to respond to the request. “Mal?”
“Yes?”
“Did you just threaten to burn down my home?”
“Now, Ah honestly jes' don't know what to say to that!” Mal said in mock disappoval. “Here Ah um, expressing mah undue concern for ya an' ya lil' lizard's safety, an' ya go off uh accuse me of arson. Ah'm offend, Sparkles. Can't ah fella worry 'bout uh horse who lives in tree jes' filled with lots dry, dusty, ol' paper.”
Mal took out his zippo lighter and flicked it open. It's flame shined brightly in the reflection of the purple unicorns large eyes as Mal slowly waved it about in front of her face.
“It would jes' break mah little heart see all those books uh burnin' . All those books that some pony could be readin' .”
Twilight flinched at the loud metallic snap as Mal flipped the lighter's chromed lid closed.
“Whooosh! Gone! Jes' like that! Can ya image such uh terrible thing, Sparkles?”
“Uh...” Was all Twilight Sparkle could say as her body started to quake with fear.
“All that literature.” Mal said with a raspy stage whisper. “All that knowledge. All those answers to life's naggin' questions...Jes' turnin' to ash an' blowing off into the wind.”
Twilight felt herself break out in a cold sweat. Her mind was locked in battle within itself to stave off the raw animal panic from consuming her wits.
“Twilight, are you okay?” Spiked ask as he looked at his caretaker in concern.
But the librarian didn't give any indication of having heard her scaly assistant. She was busily reining in her terror. She had to assess the situation. Process it. Analysis it. She had to -
Mal snapped his fingers in front of Twilight's face.
“Whats it gonna be horse?” Mal asked sharply. The startled librarian looked up at the bounty hunter towering over her. She open her mouth to say something. And then close it again. Twilight lowered her head in defeat as her horn lit up.
“I-I'll just let you h-hold onto this.” the frighten mare said as the letter floated out from her saddle bag. She levitate the parchment over towards Mal's open palm.
“Wha-Twilight! No!” Spike tried to stop the letter from floating away. But the magical shield that had earlier stopped the bounty hunter from getting to the letter was now being used to prevented the dragon from doing the same. Mal grin as the letter made it's way over to him.
Suddenly, a orange hoof nabbed the floating letter out of the air.
“Ah'll hold on to that letter for ya, sugar cube!” Applejack said as she tucked the letter away into her own saddlebags.
“Don't be troublin' ya self with that letter either, horse.” Mal snarled as he turn on the meddling interloper. “Ya gots uh farm to run, Ya can't support no family on nun' thin' but burnt ashes.”
“Ah know where ya happen live too. Mal.” The freckled face mare gave the bounty hunter a soft smile as if to say 'See? Two can play at this game.'
'So those were yer hoof prints Ah found last month.' If the apple farmer was looking for Mal to blink then she was sorely disappointed.
“That's sum bold talk for an apple farmer.” Mal said coolly. “Ya think ya got what it takes?”
“Ah suppose Ah do.”
“Really? Ya ever beaten uh man within the inch of his life?” Mal said as he took a step towards the orange colored mare. “Don't bother answerin', horse. Its uh trick question. But ya know who as? This fella. Right here.”
“There's are always a first time.”
“Well lookee at what we have here! Ah do believe that we have ourselves uh badass here!” Mal squatted down in front of Applejack and pinched the apple farmer's cheeks. “Aren't ya jes an' adorable lil' horse.”
The mare turned her head out of the humans grasp. “Ah'm serious Mal. Ya try messin' with me or any of my friends and...”
“An' what? Ya'll bake me into uh apple pie?”
“Ah don't scare easily, Mal. Ah've deal with timber wolves with louder barks then you.”
“Horse, it's gonna take a lot more then just bangin' pots and pans to scare me off.”
“Applejack,” A deep rumbling voice spoke out from behind the bounty hunter. “Ah understand that this fella cause ya trouble earlier?”
“Ah gots this Big Mac.” Applejack said, looking up over the crouched bounty hunter's shoulder. “So don't be troubling ya self any. Jes' run along.”
Mal looked behind his shoulder. Directly behind him stood a five foot tall, crimson red muscular stallion. The look of fury that was coming from the freckled faced pony was hot enough to make tungsten break into a sweat. A look that Mal Coltran was more then used to receiving with his entire life. Although, usually not from talking ponies.
“Ya heard ya sister, tough guy.” Mal said nonchalantly. “Back off.”
“Eenope.” Big Mac said, as he flicked a wheat sprig from one side of his mouth to the other.
“Big Mac,” Applejack said sternly. “Give the man some room.”
“Not until he apologizes for what he did.” The stallion rumble. "Roughs up mah sister an' gets away with it! An while he's at it, he can apologize to Miss Sparkle too.”
Mal slowly stood up and turned to face the work pony .
“What ya gonna do, hoss?" Mal said with a chuckle "Step on my toes?”
“Ah don't step on toes – Ah step on necks ” Big Mac said as he eyed the human. Mal returned the glare as he spat out his thoroughly chewed up toothpick.
“Is that so?” Mal said as he placed a fresh tooth pick in this gap tooth jaw. “An' how ya gonna do that with ya horse shoe comin' loose?”
The Big Mac looked down and was greeted with hundred thousand volts of electricity right on the chin.
“BIG MAC!” Applejack cried out as she saw the three hundred pound pony fall bonelessly down onto the street, his body spasming and twitching.
The freckled faced mare attempted get to her fallen older brother's side. But when a pair of sharp metal prongs were placed just mere inches from her nose, she stopped. Her snout wrinkled at the stench of frying ozone and burnt hairs. Small electrical arcs shot between the two metal spikes, snapping and popping loudly.
Not moving, Applejack stare up at the man. He was not smiling his trademark easy going grin. There was no emotion to the human's face. None, When Mal spoke it wasn't in his usual joking mannerism.
“Ya see that? That is mah cattle prod. It was made back during the 1950's in Edge Water, Minnesota. This piece of Americana classic retailed for about 35 bucks an' was use by mah uncle to re-educate trouble sum' draft dodgin' hippies. It's got uh two an' half foot carved oak stock, tipped with twin solid brass spikes an' Ah've upgraded it with uh rechargeable battery so it can hand out a 100, 000 volt ass whoopins til the cows come home. An' it has uh hair trigger.”
The Apple Farmer continued to stand her ground as Mal pointed the crackling cattle prod at her face.
“An' if case yer tiny horse brain weren't able process all that, let me dumb down for ya: It means Back Off .”
“What the fuck, man!” The loud color pony known as Brad exclaimed. Mal cuffed Brad sharply behind the ear. “Quit ya whining! He'll be needing uh few minutes but he'll be fine.”
Mal nudged large crimson red stallion in the ribs with the toe of his boot, causing the still smoking pony to groan loudly. “See? He's fine. These horses are tougher then old boots.”
“He better be more then just 'fine' , Mal.” Applejack said. She tried to put up a strong front in front of the bounty hunter but her misting eyes were betraying her. “ 'Cause if he dies, you best hope that the Princesses gets to ya first before Ah do, ya hear?”
Mal pushed the apple farmer's stetson hat off her head with end of his cattle prod. The freckled face farmer didn't even so much as blink as she continued to stared down the bounty hunter.
“Ah'm startin' to get sick an' tired of talkin' with ya'll tough talkin' horses.” Mal says as he holsters the cattle prod and scoop up the fallen hat. “An' Ah really don't kindly to threats from amateurs. Especially when it's comin' from uh horse. An' all day for me it's been nun' thin' but takin' uh lotta guff from uh lotta tiny horses.” He twirled the hat in between his hands in front of the orange mare.
Applejack held up a hoof. “Well, maybe if ya were nicer to us ponies, things wouldn't be so rough for ya. Now, if ya could kindly hand me back mah hat an' step aside, please, Ah need to see mah bro-” But before anypony could response, Mal mashes the hat over the freckle faced mare's head, jamming it past the mare's eyes and ripping it's brim competently off. The bounty hunter then snatch the letter out of the blinded apple farmer's saddlebags and spun around on Twilight.
Twilight opened her mouth to let out a word of protest but the bounty hunter cut her off by jamming the letter into her mouth.
“Ya keep your stinking letter, ya shut in!”
The purple unicorn spat out the letter. “I-I don't understand! Why are you giving back my letter?”
“Because Ah finally came to mah senses, Sparkles. Ah realize ain't got nun' thin' to lose anymore. Ah've been trap here, tryin' to deal with the strangeness day after day. An' ya know what? Ah'm through playin' these silly horse games. It's time for ya all to git uh clue!”
“Mr. Coltran, I don't understand what this as to do with treating ponies with respect.”
“Because Ah don't belong here! Why should Ah be the one forced to be complacent in uh world that makes zero fucking sense to me. Huh? Tell me Sparkles – Explain to uh 55 year old man, who's lived longer then most of ya dumb horses. Who's seen an' done shit that would cripple all ya fragile horsie minds for life. Explain to me why ya really wanted me to be yer friend? Why ya wanna shoot the shit with me everyday? Why ya wanna listen to me talk about things - things ain't no fuckin' talkin' horse ever gonna understand? Why?”
“Um, uh I-”
“ 'Cause ya wouldn't, that's why! Ah'm unnatural! Ah'm uh monster an' freak livin' here in this place full of colorful talkin' horses that wanna tell me how life's suppose to be! Ya all need to control me! Ah need to be tamed an' trained. To take away mah humanity!
“ 'Cause in all honestly Ah scare the shit outta all of ya.” Mal said as he pointed a finger out at the crowds of ponies that were standing a dozen yards up the street.
“Well, all of ya an' stick that all that right up where Princess Candy Ass's sun don't shine!” Mal picked the letter up off the ground and shoved inside the unicorn's saddle bag. “Ah ain't lookin' to be liked by no fuckin' horse. Do you understand me?! Ya'll don't like the way Ah make mah livin'? Well, ya'll can kiss mah pink rosy ass! Ya don't like the way Ah git sumin' done? Tough titties! Ah play by mah rules an' mah rules only.”
Mal stepped back towards his chained bounty as he continue to berated the librarian. “Ya can threaten me as many of these forced barnyard life lessons on me as ya can. Ya can wish me off into the corn fields, turn me in to uh garden gnome or lock me up an' throw away the key. But there ain't nun thin ya can do that's ever gonna make me start carin' 'bout this fuckin' ridiculous place.
Brad let out a loud squeak in surprised as Mal hauls up his bounty and heaves the neon pony over his shoulder like sack of potatoes.
“So go ahead, Sparkles! Send ya complaints off to Queen Glitter-Puss! Ah hope she gits so pissed, that she gits an aneurysm over it! Now, git outta my way. Ah'm gonna take my bounty an' Ah'm gonna go home. Any slow learnin' horses stupid enough to git in mah way is gonna git the shock treatment.”
The bounty hunter brushed pass Twilight and Spike as he thudded up the street. The librarian watched the small crowds of ponies scattered like leafs in the wind as the bounty hunter made his way up the market street.
A voice call out. “Uh, Twilight? A little help over here, please!”
Once Twilight and her assistant freed the Applejack from the tattered remains of her stetson, the farmer ran over to her fallen brother's side.
“Gosh, darn it! Ah told ya Ah was handling it, didn't I?”
“An' what kind of brother would Ah be to leave mah sister's side to fend for herself?” The stallion gave his sister a lopsided grin as he tried to get back to his hoofs.
Applejack tried to stopped him. “Ah don't think it would be such a good idea to be getting back up right now. Not after gittin' laid out like that.”
“But the farm-”
“I'm afraid that Applejack's right.” Twilight said. “You need to rest and keep off your hooves. Maybe for the rest of the day.”
“Ah, nonsense!” Big Mac said as he stood back up. “See? Besides-”
The large stallion legs wavered and then fold out from underneath him. “Big Mac!” Applejack cried out in alarm. A soft purple colored aura stopped the stallion in time from hitting the cobblestone for a second time as it wrapped it self around the pony.
“Thanks Twilight.” The levitating stallion grumbled in defeat. “Ah hate to admit to it... But Ah guess that feller really did a number on me.”
·~ ͽ¤ͼ ~·
Applejack grumbled as Twilight had paid a hansom cab to take her brother back up to Sweet Apple Acres. Spike even volunteered (after a few convincing words from Twilight) to go along with her brother and assisted with some the farm chores. Meanwhile, all that Applejack wanted to do was take off after the bounty hunter and stomp a mud hole into his chest. Especially after Spike had blurted out of how the bounty hunter had nearly ran down her kid sister, Apple Bloom, with that rusty horseless carrige of his.
“He has some nerve!” Applejack said as she watched the Hansom cab disappear around the corner. “Twi, somethin' as got to be done! Ah swear everyday he's gitin' meaner then a half starved ursa minor. Ah think we need-”
Twilight cut off her friend. “No.”
Applejack gave the librarian a mixed look of worry and anger.
“What do ya mean 'no'? Can't ya see he's outta control?! Look at what he did to my brother, not to mention mah hat! Forget mah hat, what about what he nearly did to Applebloom?! We need to-”
“No.” The unicorn said again. “We leave him alone for-”
“LEAVE HIM ALONE?!” Objected Applejack with disgust. “Ah'm sorry Twilight, but ARE YOU CRAZY?! ”
Applejack immediately regretted her choice words as her friend narrowed her eyes at her.
“We are all going to leave Mr.Coltran alone.” The librarian said with restraint as her right eye gave a tiny twitch. “Just for today.”
Applejack frowned for a moment before it dawn on her. “Oh, Ah get it! Yer gonna let the Princess handle it! That's some smooth thinkin' ther-”
Applejack's jaw nearly hit the ground as she watched her friend shredded the letter. It's little papery bits disappear as they scattered into winds of the approaching storm.
“Wha-”
“Need to handle this on our own, Applejack. We gonna get the rest of the girls and we're going to carefully plan out just how to take care of Mr. Coltran.”
“An' what if he does something else before then? What if he hurts somepony? Or worst, what if he ki-”
“The only thing Mr. Coltran wants right now is to be left alone. And neither of us is going to do anypony any good if we take off after him, alone. No, the best thing for us to do is for you take care of your brother and sister while I get hold of the others for tonight's strategy meeting at the library.”
“Well, Ah suppose yer right and all.” Applejack looked off in the direction that the bounty hunter had walked off in. “It's just that fella...is, well....”
“Intense.” Twilight said.
“Yeah. Intense. An' indifferent.” Applejack was quiet for a moment before she spoke again. “That fella wasn't bluffing ya know. When he said he was going to burn down your home...he meant every word. An' that scares me Twi.”
“You heard all that?”
“Not only did Ah hear it, but Ah saw how ya were shaking like a fright filly after hearing her first ghost story.”
Twilight let out a shaky sigh in frustration. “I-I can't believe Celestia would just let something like Mal Coltran just run around Ponyville without being properly researched first.”
“Are ya sayin' she's made a mistake with letting...” Applejack couldn't find it within herself to first her question. It was a stupid question anyways.
“No...” Twilight answered.
“Ah guess yer right. It wouldn't be fair of us to go about questioning her. After all-”
“...She's scared of him.”
“What! Horse apples!” Applejack stared at her friend in shock at the statement. For Twilight to admit to believing that her mentor to have a weakness was not like the librarian at all. “What she got to be scared of? She's an immortal goddess who helped created Equestria. For her to be afraid of Mal Coltran -”
“Because there's more to Mr. Coltran then what everypony believes.” Twilight said in near whisper.
Applejack rolled her eyes. “Aw, don't tell me ya pay those rumors any mind.”
“But what if he is?”
“He's not a god, sugarcube. The man gits hurt just like anypony else. Although I'll admit he gets busted up even more then RD.”
“Maybe it's just an act.”
“Twilight! Of all the ponies in Equestria, Ah figure ya to be the last one to ever to give into notion that Mal Coltran is a God from another universe.”
“He stopped Discord. By himself. And without using magic.”
“I know. I was there. We were all there when it happen. Ah was not impressed. And Ah still don't understand what ya fussing about. So he doesn't use magic. Big whoop. Ah don't use magic either.”
“What if Mr.Coltran possessed a skill that was similar to magic but on an different, more complex scale. What if he operates on an whole another level, maybe even an entirely different plane. Is he really working for the Princesses or are they allowing him free rein to do whatever because he can create and do things without magic aiding him?”
“If he's so darn powerful then why can't he mosey along back to where he came from, since he hates it here so much?”
“Maybe he can't. Maybe that's why Celestia can't sent him back. Because he was casted out.”
“So what yer sayin' is that Mal is possibly a god who is reject by his own subjects an' banished here to Equestira. An' that might be more powerful then the goddess's themselves since he's proven capable of putting folks like Discord out of action.”
“Yes, that's what I've been trying to tell you!”
“And Ah say that your pulling my leg.” Applejack laughed hearty and lightly smacked the librarian's side. “Mal Coltran. Ha! Disgruntle out cast god for hire! I've heard some tall ones told before. But that – that one takes the cake!”
“But – But how can you say that! You saw that small metal box of fire he used to threaten to use on the library!”
“What about it?”
“I didn't detect any magic coming from it! None!”
“So what? Ah use matches to light lanterns everyday.”
“He didn't use matches, Applejack! He just open a lid and fire came out!”
“So he invented a better match.”
“Okay. Well, you know that carriage he rides around in? No magic!”
“Well that ain't none thing to be all worked up about. We have steam trains. Besides, have you seen him run on those two legs of his? Speak of which, you gotta see RD's the impression of Mal runnin'. It's a hoot Ah tell ya! Had me in fits. Why just last week-”
Twilight furrowed her eyes at her friend in anger. “Fits , huh? Just like how your brother was in fits when that wooded branch touched him?”
“Hay now!” Applejack said, offended. “That's uncalled for-”
“Because if you though that was magic, it wasn't. Zero magic involved.”
“Twilight, enough!” Applejack slammed a hoof down on the cobblestone street hard enough to visibly crack one of the paving stones in half. “Mal ain't no other worldly god and, as far as Ah considered, he's just like any other pony who's gotta too big for their britches. The sooner he takes a timeout as a statue for the royal gardens, the better.”
“You think it's going be that simple?! Applejack, we can't even sent him back to where he came from. And if the princesses can't do anything, what makes you think that imprisoning him is even going to work?!”
“I don't know, Twi.” Applejack sighed irritably. “Maybe we could-”
“ -kill him, Applejack! It's the only solution!” Twilight said as she looked into her friends eyes with a crazed intensity.
“No, we're not-”
“If we can't imprison him, then what are are going to do?" The librarian scream in frustration. "He can't keep on running around about Equestria! He has to go, now! He's challenging Celestia and our Equestrian society everyday! He's crossed so many lines, I've lost count! He's going to ruin everything! We have to get rid of him before he does something truly damaging!”
Twilight pupils dilated as she drew near to the apple farmer's freckle face. “Even if means goes against everything everypony believes in! It's going to come down to us or him. Tell me Applejack, are you willing to choose? Are you willing to help us make the sacrifice for all ponies everywhere? I need to know so that-”
“Hold on.” Applejack said slowly as she took a step back from Twilight. “Before Ah go answering any of that, Ah suggest that ya answer this one first: If we kill other living being, what does that make us in the end? Ah don't like the man any more then ya do. But Ah ain't ready to become the villain neither. How about ya self? Are ya willing to take a life an' let it haunt ya til the end of ya days.”
Applejack watch as Twilight's body stiffed, her entire body trembling from the boiling rage inside her. And for a moment the farmer thought that her best friend was going to physically hit her. Or worst.
But the anger in the unicorns eyes subsided and her body sagged down in defeat.
They stood there in the street for awhile, neither one saying anything as they listen to the breeze of the wind and the soft cracks of approaching thunder as the pegasuses weather team worked to move the large rain clouds closer to town.
“I'm sorry Applejack.” Twilight weary spoke as she avoided looking at her friend.
“Twi, look at me.”
Twilight turned to face her freind.
“How long have ya had this fool idea of yours in ya head?” Applejack asked.
“For the of a couple weeks.”
Applejack gave the unicorn a look.
“A month.”
Applejack raise her eyebrow questioningly.
“Okay. Okay. Two months.”
“And how are ya sleepin?”
“Not so well.”
“Shoot, Twi. Ah know it must be tough on ya, being the Princess's protege an' all. But ya gotta remember that ya got friends that are willing to share that burden with ya.”
“I should be better then this.” Twilight croaked out. “I need to be. Others are counting on me to be. Everypony is depending on me to be -”
“Aw, hayseeds Twi.” Applejack threw a foreleg over the Twilight's withers. “Don't blame yourself for bein' so tightly wounded up. Ah don't. Not after what Mal did to ya. Ah almost flew off my handle myself. An' if ya weren't here, Ah probably would be off, doing something that Ah would be regrettin' later.”
Twilight burst into tears. “I'm scared Applejack. I tried to be the pony that everypony needs me to be and I can't do it. I can't. I can't stand to watch that ogre run amuck, terrorizing other ponies and my friends. But I'm too much of a coward to do anything about it.”
“Twilight, yer not a coward. Ya stood up to him, like ya always do.”
“Then why do I feel like one?!” Twilight choked between heaving sobs. “Why I can I save the town from a Ursa Minor but hid in my room whenever that bipedal brute comes into town. Why do I write these stupid useless letters of protest to Princess Celestia when I could be actually doing something about it!”
“Well, forget all that junk! Go home Twilight. Go home and treat ya self to some tea. Draw ya self a warm bath an' take a much need nap. Because tonight, girl. We're all going to come over to your place an' draw up a plan to finally put Mal in his place.”
Twilight wiped the tears and snot from her face as she look at the grinning farmer. The librarian's frowned increased as Applejack's wicked grin only grew wider.
The unicorn let out a gasp.Oh! Oh! Youknowwherehelives!YouknowwhereMr.Coltranlives!Ohmygoodness,Applejack!Howdidya doit?Nevermindhowwhereishere- ”
The apple farmer let out a laughed. “It wasn't easy Ah tell ya. It took couple of weeks of both me and RD searching the Everfree Forest, but we managed to finally find his lair.”
“He lives in a cave ?” Twilight asked as she imagine the bounty hunter, deep inside a heart of mountain, sitting a throne made of gems and gold bits, cackling wildly as he plan's out his next dastardly misdeeds.
“He lives in a shack, Sugarcube. A simple, tiny, one room, ramshackle shack.”
“Uh.” Twilight was speechless.
'Mal 'AKA The Mauler' Coltran, Court Appointed Bounty Hunter and full-time meanie pants (Pinkie's words, not hers). lived in a shack. Not a giant stone castle or a spooky abandon mansion. Nor in a skull shaped ancient temple straight out of that one Daring Doo adventure novel. No. The most feared and unpleasant creature in Ponyville, and maybe all of Equestria, lives in a wooded shack.'
“Kinda sad, when ya think about it." Applejack said, interrupting Twilight's thoughts. "RD was disappoint when we found it. She had her hopes up for something exciting like an ancient temple or something.”
Twilight gave Applejack a rib crushing hug. “Thankyou!Thankyou!Thankyou! ” Twilight shout with glee as she spun her friend around.
“Um, no problem, sugarcube.” Applejack managed to replied with a wheeze. “Glad that RD and me could help out. Nowcanyapleaseletmegocantbreath-”
Twilight let go of her friend as a roll of parchment paper and a quill pen flew out from her saddlebags. “I better update the list!” The librarian said as she looked over the unrolled paper list. “There is just so many things that are going to have to be done in preparation for tonight's planning session!”
Twilight frowned. “Have to see somepony about purchasing some fire extinguishers. ” Applejack heard the unicorn mumbled as the glowing, floating quill pen scribble about on the levitating paper.
“Ya don't think that-” Applejack started to ask worriedly.
“I don't know, Applejack.” The lavender colored mare said as she look up from her list. “But I'm not taking any chances. None thing to going to stop us. Because tomorrow, Mal Coltran is going to get the surprise of his life.”
Author's Note
So is Twilight Sparkle going to be the first pony in recorded Equestrian history to murder a human?
Is there even a book on that? Maybe Pinkie Pie can loan her a personal copy of 'Cupcakes'.
Thank you! You've been great! I'll be here all week...try the veal!
Coming up next: Keep on Truckin'
MLP: Friendship is Exclusive. Humans need not apply.
Chapter 9 - Keep on Truckin'
“Oh man! She looked back! She looked back!” Brad's leg chains rattled as his forehooves clopped together.
“She's probly lookin' for ah spot in mah back to stick that pig sticker of her's.” Mal grumbled as a few fat droplets of rain started to fall from the incoming scheduled afternoon rain shower.
“Dude, what is your problem?”
“Everythin'.”
“Like, seriously?”
“As uh heart attack.”
Mal lashed out at a pony spectator that didn't move out of his way fast enough for his liking. “Git the hell outta mah way, ya dum' horse!”
“Ahhh! Don't eat me!” The stallion screamed in terror as it scrambled away from the lumbering human.
Mal let out a sighed. 'With all of these four legged gawkers an' hauling this dum ass, it's gonna take forever to git back mah Becky.'
The fluorescence potato sack interrupted Mal's thoughts. “Like, is everypony here afraid of you? And what did Twilight ever do to you?”
“Whats it to ya?”
“Dude, I just want to understand, like, how someone could ever be so angry, living in place full of cute, adorable, ponies.”
Mal didn't say anything.
“Like, seriously, tell me. What's the deal. I wanna know. For realz.”
“Try livin' here with no steak, no smokes, no hard liquor, no porn, no women , no rock music, no cable, no Michael Connelly novels, no Nascar and no huntin' or fishin!” Mal answered angrily as he slowly plodded through the crowed street. “An' with talkin' ponies gittin' up in ya face jes 'cause ya forgit to say 'please' an' 'thank u'!”
“I take it that your not a big fan of the show, either.”
“Ah didn't even know it was ah kids show until Ah interrogated mah first brony.”
“No way! You never ever heard of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic?”
“This may come as uh surpise to ya, but grown ass men like mah self don't have time to sit around watchin' kiddie cartoons. Ya see, out in the real world, Ah worked for uh livin'. Ah ran mah own business, several vehicles, uh boat an' uh dozen rental properties. Ah payed mah taxes, voted an' made payment's to mah ex-wife's daughter’s collage fund. So unlike u, Ah was livin' in the real world until this happy horse shit came along.”
“Man, Pinkie is like so right about you. You're gonna die angry and miss out on everything cool.”
“Says the yolo motherfucker who's gonna to be pickin' up all the broken glass out of mah Becky with his bare hoofs.”
Brad's chains rattled as he held up his upturned fingerless hooves to his face. “shit.”
Mal shook with laughter so hard that he nearly lost his toothpick. “Sucks to be without opposable thumbs, don't it.”
Mal's mirth disappear as he saw ponies were running pass him instead of away from him. Merchants were quickly shoving stalls, rolling up awnings and pushing goods aside as the rumbling, backfiring monstrosity of Mal's truck drove slowly down the street. Mal let out a gruff sigh of disapproval when saw sitting behind the steering wheel was his number one informative and brony bait in Equestria.
“Goddamn it, Strings!” Mal shouted as he winced at the sound of grinding and shifting gears.
“That's no way to greet your partner, Mal.” Heartstrings yelled through the missing windshield. Truck shuddered to a halt just as Mal slapped a palm down on the hood.
“It ain't yer ass Mayor Horse Face is gonna be chewin' out when she finds out bout mah Becky bein' in the only part in town she ain't allow in.” Mal said, pointing finger at the teal unicorn. “An' how many times do Ah have to tell ya - ya ain't mah partner, Strings!”
Heartstrings waved a hoof at the bounty hunter in disconcern. “Aw, don't worry about Mare Mayor. I'll take care of her.”
“Jes' get out of mah truck, before ya break sum thin' with ya dum hooves.” Mal grumbled as the aquamarine pony jumped out the drive side window.
“Oh, come on, Mal!” Heartstring said as she hoofed the bounty hunter's side. “It's not gonna kill you for to say 'thanks' . Besides, how many mare's do you know that would stick around to clean up all the broken glass and bricks out of your truck.”
“Dammit, Strings!” Mal said in disappointment as he remove Brad Carter, AKA Twinkle Toes , off his aching shoulder. “Ah was gonna have Brad here do that!”
The neon green stallion, on the other hand, let out a sigh of relief in hearing this bit of good news. “Not that I don't appreciate it, Lyria- ow!” Brad's head reel back as he experienced his first telekinetic slap on the cheek.
“The name's Heartstrings!” The teal unicorn said sharply with a snort, her horn glowing brightly.
“Wha-I-I don't- understand-” Brad looked up at the Bounty Hunter, in confusion.
“What are ya lookin' at me for?” Mal grinned as he lean back up against the truck. “Ah ain't 'bout stop uh show when it's jes startin' to git good.”
Brad started to open his mouth to speak when he was shoved into the side of old truck with a bang. “So, you like to play with ponies, huh?” Heartstring said menacingly her horn a blaze with magic.
“Whoa - wait a minute -” Brad sputtered out as he waved a fore hoof up in defense.
“You must think we're all a bunch of simple-minded animals here.” Heartstrings said as she took a slow step towards the chained stallion. “Just drop in, show off your 'human' skills and impress all us silly ponies. Who do you think you are, swaggering into town as if your one of us, huh? ”
“Please.” Brad pleaded. “Like, I didn't mean nothing by it! Honest! ”
“Oh, so I'm nothing now. Just following little ol' Heartstrings down the alleyway for a little bit of nothin'?”
Mal was nearly bent over with laughter, his hand slapping his leg as he watched Brad's eyes nearly bugged out of his pony head.
“Uh- what?! No! I-”
“Well, you picked the wrong player! ” The aquamarine mare screamed has she reared up on her hind legs.
'Oh shit!' Was all Mal could think as he moved in to head off the hurricane of fury and rage. But his reaction was too late. One of Heartstrings's hooves smacked the side of Brad's face, slamming the neon green pony's head right into the truck door panel.
“Alright, Strings! That's enough! ” Mal barked out as he rested a heavy hand on the mare unicorn's withers. “Ya bruise the fruitcake an' Ah'll take it out of ya fee!”
But Heartstrings ignored the human as she drew the point of her glowing horn in towards Brads terror stricken face. “When you go back to your brony pals, you tell them that Heartstrings is not some easy lay!” The aquamarine mare snarled. “She's nopony to be messin' with.”
“Goddammit Strings!” Mal shouted as he wrapped his thick arms around the pony's neck and chest. Her hooves scrabbled and scraped, fighting for purchase on the smooth cobble stone street as the bounty hunter dragged her away. “Ah said lay off of him! What are ya trying to do? Git me uh weekend vacation on the freakin' moon!?”
Heartstrings's head whipped around to face the man. “No, I'm sending him and the rest of his kind a message.”
“Well, ya know damn well that Ah can't have ya be tattooin' it onto his forehead.” Mal said growled out.
“Why not?!” She snapped back.
“ 'Cause it ain't your place, horse!”
Heartstrings blinked out of his grasp and reappeared suddenly in front of him, glaring daggers up at the human.
“Don't you dare call me that!” She roared.
“Well, yer certainly actin' like one!” Mal yelled back, throwing his arms up.
“You take that back right now, Mal!” She glared intensively up at the bounty hunter.
They stood there a moment, the two poised and ready to bring it onto the next level. Brad started to climb inside the wheel well of the huge truck, in case the sparks really started to fly between the two.
But Mal back down. “Shiiiiit , Strings.” Mal said with a nervous chuckle. “Ya don't all got be all like that.”
The teal pony let out an angry snort. “I'm not some easily, scared pony that you can verbally kick around.”
“No, Ah suppose yer not. Yer much too clever for that. Maybe even cleverer then Sparkles.”
“Ponyfeathers.” Heartstrings grump as she turned sulkily away from the human.
“Ah mean it Strings. If things were different, Ah would be more then happy to call ya partner. Hell, Ah make ya uh deputy. Give ya tin badge an' uh twenty gun salute if Ah could.”
Heartstrings whirled around on her hooves. “Really?!” She beamed back wide eyed.
“...But ya know Ah can't.” Mal smiled thinly “Princess won't bide it.”
“I don't give a flying feather what she thinks! It's not like it happen to her!”
“Heartstrings. We been through this already. If ya were seen working with me full time, Ah git it in the neck faster then ya say royal lawn ornament. As it is, Ah'm already bendin' the rules with ya being mah 'informant' .”
“It's not fair.”
“Life ain't fair. Life's uh mean sum uh bitch that don't play by any ones rules but her own. Ya just gotta learn to roll with the punches. An' to git right back up when she lays uh good one out on ya.”
“And what about yourself. Are you rolling with the punches?”
“Not lately, Ah'm afraid.” Mal stared at the empty space where his truck windshield use to be and sighed.
“Man, I am really sorry about the tru-” Brad started to say as he climbed back out of wheel well cover.
“Brad.”
“Yes?”
“Ah would greatly appreciate if ya were to shut up right now. Otherwise, Ah might start educatin' Strings here on how to properly beat the shit outta somebody.”
“Right. Shutting up.” Brad mime a zipped lips action which almost made Mal throw a punch into the smart ass's face if it weren't for Heartstrings's brilliant interruption.
“I could set you up with a temporary windshield.”
Mal raised an eyebrow. “Uh, temporary windshield? ”
Heartstrings horn glowed and Mal watch as a light green tinted form glowed as it took place of the missing windshield.
“Hot Damn!” Mal cried out as he whipped off his sunglasses. He ran over to the truck for a closer look at the ghostly transparent glowing windshield. “Ya doin' that?!” Mal ask as he rapped his knuckles against the glowing field.
“Oh, it's none thing really. Just been doing a little bit of research on the side to improve my magic skills. So I can be, you know, a better 'informant' .”
“Well, it's really sum thin' Strings.” Mal said as he slid his hand across the smooth magical substitute.
“One problem though...I can't project this type of magic from afar.”
“Meaning Ah gotta take ya with me.”
Mal sighed.
“Alright!” Mal said as he threw opened the driver side door. “An' stop looking so damn happy! Ah don't need any these horses gittin' any ideas .”
“Oh Mal!” Heartstrings said as she leapt up onto the worned down truck bench seat. “You're so silly!”
“Yeah.” Mal rolled his eyes as he slammed shut the heavy truck door. “That's me to uh T. Silly .”
Mal looking down at his bounty.
“Uh, hi.” Brad said as he gave the bounty a nervous grin. “Can I ask you something?”
“No. Ya can shut up while Ah'm stickin' ya inside this here cage.”
He walked back to the large lion cage that sat on the back of the old work duty truck. Brad watch as the bounty hunter took out a large jailer style key ring, picked out a large key and unlocked the cage door.
“Now, here's the deal.” Mal said as he swung the iron cage door open. “We all gonna take uh nice Sunday drive up to Canterlot. We gonna meet the Princess-”
Brad let out a girlish squeal and slapped this hooves to his cheeks. “Princess Celistia?! SO AWESOME !”
Mal narrow is eyes as he let out a disproving sigh of disgust. “If that's the one who can control the sun, then yes, that one.”
“Not a big Luna fan?”
“She ain't exactly uh big fan of the Mauler.”
“Shocker.”
“Ya ain't understandin' me, sport. She uh scary sum of uh bitch to be around. If Ah don't drink mah self into uh stupor every night, Ah won't be able to sleep with the nightmares that witch personally tortures me with.”
“Holy crud.” Brad said in shock. “That's rough, man.”
“Yeah, well, welcome to mah world.” The bounty hunter grimaced slightly. “Where horses with grudges can fuck with ya head.”
“So many questions.”
“Well ya can stuff it with the questions, 'cause Ah ain't finished.” The man said gruffly. “Now, after we meet the Princess, she's gonna ask ya, politely, on agreein' to never tellin' anyone about yer visit here. Ya even try lyin' to her an' she's gonna zap yer brain with sum forgetting voodoo magic crapola. Do Ah ever need to bother wastin' mah time explainin' why tryin' to fool sum gazillion, year old sun goddess is uh waste of everyone's time?”
“Um, no.”
“Good. Then she's gonna give ya sum big, grand ol' royal speech an' shoot ya ass off back home. The End.”
Brad's leg chains rattle as he raised up a hoof. “Uh, unless she's going to, like, bring me back as a zombie, no can do. Last thing I remembered is drowning in the Gulf of Mexico after falling off my friends dad's yacht.”
“Well, today's ya luckily day, sport. Ya gonna git uh third chance at life back on good ol' planet earth.”
“Soooo, do I get my old body back or do I have to start all over? Or do I get to choose as to what I come back as?”
“Don't worry kid.” Mal said as he rolled his eyes. “It'll be like none thing ever happen.”
“That's cool...I guess.” Brad said quietly.
“Look, ya really don't wanna be here. Sure, it'll be all cupcakes and sun shines at first. But in the end, ya'll find out the hard way that this place beats to uh entirely different kind of drum. This is not uh place ya want to be stuck in. Trust me on this. ”
Brad Carter rolled his eyes. “Yeah. Sure. Whatever, grandpa.”
Mal angrily yanked the ignorant ponified human stallion up off the ground by his shocking pink tail and mane hair and threw him up into the lion cage.
“Ah'm doing ya uh favor ya fuckin' moron!” Mal yelled as he swung the cell door shut with loud clang. “This place is ain't yer personal playground! Once it's colorful fuckin' hooves find yer nuts, it'll never stop standin' on 'em! Ya saw what happen between me an' Pinks.”
“Well, duh.” Brad snapped back as he got back up to his hooves. “And if you just gone along with it, instead of fighting with her, none of that would have happen.”
“Gone along with it? Is that mah problem, now?!” Mal said through gritted teeth as he narrowed his eyes at his day glow bounty.
“Man, if you weren't, like, resisting every pony you meet, you wouldn't have deal with all this stress and tension you've created for yourself.”
“Goodness gracious! Ya right! What was Ah uh thinkin? Ah shoulda let da pretty pink pony throw me uh birthday party! An then Ah have mah self uh pony that Ah'll love 'em an' squeeze 'em an' pet 'em an' hug 'em an' we'll be bestest friends forever!” Mal said in mocking sarcasm.
“Come on, man. Do yourself a favor and go with the flow instead of putting out these negative vibes onto everypony.”
Mal heard thousands of variants of these type of arguments before out of the pastel colored mouths of his ponified bounties in the past. Normally, he would have good laughed before shoved 'em through the magic space portal back to earth. He didn't waste a moment of his time to think about them or this place and it's freak show occupants. What mattered to him was raking in the all the gold he could get his mitts on and hoping on the first multidimensional metaphorical train that'll take him back to his world, his reality.
And yet, here he was. A year later and still mucking about in this Wizard-of-Oz-on-acid fairyland. And with a dozen new scars - both physical and mental, a fuck ton of gold, a possible PTSD related twitch and with the Princesses' promise that they had their brightest and best working out a solution.
Any day now he was going to be free of this place.
Any day now.
Any day now.
“Dude?”
Mal eye lids fluttered as an obnoxious color hoof waved about in front of his face.
“Hey! Old guy! Like, you alright, man?” Brad asked with concerned in his voice as he poked a fore leg out from between the metal cage bars. “Please, like, say yes.”
Mal snaked an arm into the cage, grab the back of the neon pony's head. Brad let out a cried of pain as his face smacked into the iron bars.
“Let me tell ya sum thin boy,” Mal snarled. “Ah knew ya were uh dip shit the moment Ah saw ya. An ah like ya better then, then ah do now. 'Cause ya this close to bein' uh dead dip shit.”
“Shit. Chillout man! You were just standing there, zoned out. Your face was all pale and sweaty, like you were having a stroke or something.”
“Do ya self uh favor an' stow the Dr Phil crap before ya start findin' out how hard it is to breath with uh fist rammed down yer throat.”
Mal let go of Brad's mane and made his way to the driver side door.
“An' another thing,” Mal said before he slammed the truck shut with a bang. “Ah ain't about to be rollin' over for no fucking horse. Not in mah lifetime, fucko.”
Author's Note
That's right. I'm fuckin' back!
Sorry that this took it's sweet time getting here. Been busy re-tiling the kitchen, being sick with the flu, taking cat naps and building the robots.
You know, fun stuff.
Anyways, the next chapter will be here over the weekend, so prepare yourselves...For stuff.
Just in case.
'Cause you never know whats gonna happen.
Coming up next: No Strings Attached
MLP: Friendship is Exclusive. Humans need not apply.
Chapter 10 - No Strings Attached
Mal was almost out of Ponyville when the fluorescence green bounty started to kick up a fuss.
“Ain't nun' thin' doin'!” Mal yelled out the truck window. “This is still horse county an' Becky ain't makin' no pit stops, hippie!”
“Stop! ” Brad called out in a cried of panic. “Dude! I need you to stop and turn around!”
Mal stuck an arm out the window and demonstrated just how much he cared.
“No seriously!” Brad yelled. “I need to pick up my saddle bags!”
The heavy work truck picked up even more speed as Mal push further down on the gas pedal.
“Come on, man! It has my laptop! ”
The stallion found himself skidded across the cage's rough wooden floorboards as the vehicle came to a skidding halt.
“Don't yew make me come in there an' hit yew!” The bounty hunter voice boom from out of the open truck window. “Ya said-”
“It was a yacht party. Everyone was either drunk, seasick, passed out or making out. And, like, I was bored and thought it would be an super awesome to record myself walking across the top of the boat's boom. I was using my laptop's built in webcam at the time to record myself when the ship, like, hit a wave. And that's when, yours truly, fell overboard with laptop in hand.”
The rusty truck door open with a loud creak as Mal step out.
“Ya best not be fuckin' with me, boy. 'Cause Ah will reconsider lettin' Strings finish what she started.”
“Man, settle down. Its on the level. Whats the big deal. It's only a laptop.”
“Makin' it thee only laptop in all of Equestria.” Mal said as he step in front of the cage door
“Oh.”
“Oh yeah. So if ya tell me where it is Ah'll make it worth yer while.”
“Let me go and I'll tell you.”
“Ha-ha.” The bounty hunter said sarcastically. “Not gonna happen, sport. Now this here laptop, it works right? Even after havin' uh swim in the ocean?”
“It was this morning. But you can forget about it. My mom bought that laptop for me for college. No way I'm going to just hand it over to a-”
“Hold on. Jes' uh second ago ya were usin' that laptop to buy yer freedom. Now yer concern with yer mother findin' out that ya lost uh laptop? Yer mother's would be thrilled seein' her son alive sans laptop then never again.”
“Well, I was kinda of hoping that you could...Maybe let me hang here. Like, a few weeks - that’s all!”
“An' what if Ah were to do just that an' pack of timber wolves ate ya neon colored ass up? What then? They can do lot of ridiculous, absurd things around these parts but revving dead idiots is not one of them.”
“I'm not just going to let you just steal my laptop, man.”
“Ha! Ah maybe uh man of many things, Brad. But being uh thief is not one of them.”
Brad arched an eyebrow as the hefty, rectangular solid gold bar slid across the cage's timber floor boards.
“Dude, my laptop was worth almost 2,000 dollars.” The neon pony said as he tried to lift the gold bar with his hooves. “There is no way that this hunk of metal is going to cover-”
“This ain't sum rapper bling, son. That's 100% solid pure gold there. Thru an' thru. An' the last time Ah was on earth, uh pound of solid gold was worth nearly 18,000 thousand bucks.”
“Oh, when was that granddad? Like, during the gold rush?”
“Try 2011, butt head." The bounty hunter said with a slight frowned creasing his forehead.
"Which would make, today, mah first year anniversary of bein' in this fucked up place.” The man mumbled more to himself then to his ponified bounty.
Brad frowned himself at this. “Um, no way, man. That can't be right. It's 20-”
Mal cut the stallion off with a impatient wave of the hand. “Time moves differently here, son. Now are ya going to take mah offer or what?”
“I'll take it...but on one condition.” Brad said with a raised hoof
Mal shook his head. “Na-hah, Kid. Ah already told ya. Ah ain't lettin ya-”
“Let me ride up front with you and heartstrings.”
“Really?” Mal said in surprise. “Ya wanna to sit with me an' the mare who hates ya guts?”
“It's either that or no laptop.” As Brad said as he sild the gold bar back towards the bounty hunter.
Mal picked up the bar, dropping it to his vest pocket before staring at the caged stallion. A hard, rocky, hundred mile glare that said, 'Son, Ah um disappointed in u.'
But Brad stare back defiantly at the bounty hunter. A look of tense, youthful eyes that shouted out rebelliously, 'Fuck you! You're not my Dad!'
Mal threw up his arms into the air in defeat.
“Fine! Fuck it!” The bounty hunter cried out as he unlatch the keyring from his belt. “Strings, move ya teal colored keister over! We got company!”
Heartstrings poke her head out the driver side window. “Somepony hitching a ride with us?! Who is-” The words died on her lips as she watched the human unlock the cage door.
“Mal, what are you doing?” Heartstrings ask in deep concern as the bounty hunter hefted the day glow pony out of the cage.
“Never mind what Ah'm doin,” Mal said as he carried Brad over towards the driver side door. “Just scoot over.”
“Mal, he is not riding up here.” Heartstrings said with a icy tone. Her horn glowed and Mal heard the loud clunk of the door lock.
“Now, Strings don't be kickin' up uh hissy fit now.” Mal said sternly. “He's mah bounty an' this here is mah truck. Ah can do what Ah want, when Ah want an' right now Ah need yew stop bein' so goddamn difficult an' -”
“Then I'm taking my windshield and I'm going home .” The Aquamarine unicorn said before suddenly disappearing in front of them. A second later the magical windshield replacement winked out of existence.
“Strings! Stop over reactin an' git back here! ” Mal yelled out.
“No! I'm not riding with him!” The mare's angry voice drift out from down the road.
“Come on! Don't be doin' this!” Mal said as he shoved Brad through the open truck window. “Ya won't be gittin' yer pay!”
“Fine, you keep it! ” The teal unicorn yelled back as she continued on trotting down the dirt road back towards town
Mal let out a growl of frustration as he hopped up onto the running board and reached an arm inside the driver side door. “Hrrm. Whats up with these pissy fuckin' horses today?”
“Dude, go after her.” Brad said as the bounty hunter unlocked the door and climbed inside the cab.
Mal gave the truck door a hard slam shut and turned to glared at him. “Ah thought Ah told ya to-”
“She's your friend, man.” Brad said. “And she's the only one you got here.”
The bounty hunter narrow his eyes at the pony before looking back at the road. “Ah don't need her. An' it's not like Ah needed that windshield. Hurt mah eyes lookin through it anyways. ”
Brad rolled his eyes at the bounty hunter's macho statement. “You've been here, like, a year now, right?”
“There better be uh point to this all this yappin' or-”
Brad continued, unperturbed. “And just, like, how many ponies are willing to put up with you.”
The bounty hunter said nothing.
“She's the only one , isn't she.”
The man's stony glared soften slightly. He looked way from the ponified human and out the window. Mal watched as the tall fields of rye gently swayed on the wide seemingly endless expanse of the open range.
“She needs you too, man. Why else would she be wanting to hang out with you so much."
"She needs the money." Mal said.
"And you pay her well enough to pick the glass from out of your truck and to teach herself magic on her own time?"
Mal said nothing.
"You what I think? I think that you need her as much as she needs-”
The bounty hunter's rough hand clamped Brad's snout shut.
“Let's get sum thin' straight here, college boy.” Mal said, the bench seat's aging springs creaking as the bounty hunter leaning in towards the pony. “She's uh paid informant. Nun thin' more, Nun thin' less. Got that? She's not mah marefreind. An' she certainly not mah special sum pony. Ah ain't no horse fucker.”
Brad let out a muffled agreement as he nodded his head. Mal let go of the stallion and turned the ignition key.
The heavy work truck roared to life. In one fluid motion he put the truck into reserve, spun the steering wheel around and turned the old truck back around. He threw the truck's gear into first and head back down the dirt roadway towards Ponyville.
“Ya breath uh word about this an' -” The bounty hunter started.
“You'll rip off my head and shit down my neck.”
Mal gave the pony an irritated glance. Brad return it with a wide grin.
Mal let out a grunt. As he looked back at the road ahead, a small smile to creep onto his weathered face .
“Aw, shit. Who um Ah kiddin'.” Mal said as gave the stallion a friendly tap on the side that nearly knock the pony off his hooves.
·~ ͽ¤ͼ ~·
It didn't take long for them to catch up with the slowly trudging unicorn. Heartstrings let out an sigh of irritation as her ear's picked up the sound of crunching gravel and the familiar mechanical rumble of the truck's engine as Mal Coltran pulled up along side her.
“Hey. Wanna lift back into town?” Mal called out.
“Thanks, but no thanks.” The teal mare said. “Kinda had my fill of jerks today.”
“Wanna talk about it?”
“Nope.” The unicorn blinked out and reappeared again further up the road.
Mal grumbled as he shifted gears on the aging truck. A few seconds later, he pulled up along side Heartstrings again.
“How about if Ah let ya punch mah jerkface face in?” Mal said as he lead out of the truck window. “It's on the house an' Ah'm payin'.”
“Leave me alone.” The mare answered coldly.
Mal pull the truck over to aside and got hoped out.
“When Ah come back, ya better be still here.” Mal said to Brad as he shut the door. “Got that?”
“uh, what if I'm not?”
“Then yer gonna find yer self chained to uh tree out in the Everfree Forest for the timber wolves to find.”
“Okay chill! Like, I was only asking!”
“Ah'll be right back! Don't talk to the locals or touchin' anythin' in mah truck!” Mal yelled over his shoulder as he ran after Heartstrings.
Mal's boots kick up clouds of dirt as he caught up to the pony. “Goddamnit, Strings. Slow down.” Mal rasped out in between breaths “Yer goin' to give an ol' man uh heart attack.”
“Fuck you, Mal.”
“Whoa, nelly!” Mal guffawed. “Cussing at me an' ya don't even know what it means. Ya keep that up an yer gonna have to change yer name to Lil' Miss Tough as Nails!”
“You didn't even ask me, Mal!” Heartstrings said as she spun around on her hooves to faced the human bounty hunter. “You traded my comfort in for a lousy whatchamacallit!”
“Hey, now, that is not what happen, Strings. Ah would never do such a thing an' ya know it.”
“So am I just suppose to just sit there while he just leers at me?”
“Now, Ah don't think he's one of those-”
“He was looking me, Mal. He was staring at my-” Heartstrings started to trembled.
“Strings-” Mal said as he got down on one knee. There was a loud boom as droplets of rain started to splashed about them. He looked up to see small colored specks zip about the sky as they moved the dark storm clouds about. The human looked back down at the aquamarine unicorn when she shoved a hoof in his combat vest.
“I'm not that kind of pony.” Heartstrings said angrily, her eyes a raging blaze of revulsion and hatred. “I'm not .”
“Ah know yer not.” Mal answered quietly. “An' he knows it too. Or at least he does now .”
“Then why does he want to ride with us?” Heartstrings asked in frustration.
“Because he's curious that's why. Because he's uh weirdo of not jes for yew, but of everythin' here. An', unfortunately, has uh fuck ton of stupid questions to ask the both of us.”
“But he - he was looking at my flank! ”
“Strings, He's ain't from around here. He's not even uh pony for fuck sakes! He doesn't know proper hor-” Mal caught himself. “Ah mean proper pony manners . He doesn't know that it's impolite to stare at uh somepony's cutie-mark. He's not uh pony. An' he's certainly not uh stalker. He jes' a harmless, overly enthusiastic fan boy, Strings.”
“Whatever. Fuck you. You know better. You knew and you didn't even think to ask. You didn't ask me has to how I would feel having a-a-" The mare started to quaked in anger. "A human sitting next to me, violating my private space!”
“Uh, Ah'm uh human an' ya don't-.”
“You know what I meant , Mal! Don't beat around the bush!"
"Yer right."
"What?!"
"Ah said yer right. Ah should've asked. Ah should've known better then pigeon hole ya into sum thin' that sets ya teeth on edge.”
Heartstrings shook her head angrily. "I'm just another dumb animal to you! That's all I am! No need to ask the horse how she feels having-”
“Hey! Now, stop that! Don't be saying crap like that. Ah'm the dumb one here. Ah wasn't thinkin'. Ah got uh little excited an', well - shit. Ah was tryin' to have mah cake an' eat too. Ah fucked up. Yew did uh fine job today, girl. Hell. Ya did more then just fine - Ya were great. An' that's more then Ah have ever asked of ya.”
Mal pulled out the small pouch that contained Heartstrings's payment. He then roughly grabbed the mare's hoof and press the small bag into it.
“There. Ya free to go. Ya no longer need to tag along with sum grouchy, old sourface greezer. Ah'll even chuck the idiot back into the cage if ya want an' give yew a ride back into town so ya can git on with the rest of yer day too.”
Heartstrings nearly bowled the bounty hunter over when she launched into him. Mal gritted his teeth as the aquamarine pony's hooves banged painfully into the back of his head as she tightly hugged him. His hands hovered in the empty air above the ponies withers as the side of his neck damped with the teal pony's warm tears.
Mal could only manage to say, “Um, uh-” as he tried to find the appropriate words of comfort for such an awkward and bizarre situation.
“I forgive you.” She sniffled. “Even if your being a grouchy, old sourface geezer.”
This made the bounty hunter feel even more uncomfortable and wasn't because they were both getting soaked from the downpour.Mal struggled as fought the urge to return the hug. He want to comfort her somehow but he didn't want to frighten the pony by sending mixed signals either. Or giving possible flying bystanders something to talk about.
'Can't get attached Mal. It's only uh talkin pony. Remember that. Yer only passing through. Last thing ya need is a reason to-'
Mal curb stomped the rising, mixed raging torrent of confused emotions within himself as he patted the pony's withers with one hand while using the other to broadcast a big, fuck you up into the air for any watching weather pegasuses to see.
'Fuck it. It's only a hug. That's all it is.' Mal thought to himself. 'It ain't the gateway to freaky harlequin novel romance. Though all this goddamn rain certainly ain't helpin'!'
Heartstrings broke out of the embrace, moving aside her soaking wet ,two-toned colored mane from out in front of her face. “Just promise me if he does or says anything-”
“Don't yew worry.” Mal said, giving the unicorn a lopsided grin as the rain pour heavily about them. “If he messes with ya, he'll find himself spendin' the rest of the trip chained to Becky's bumper.”
“Geez mal.” She sniffled. “You certainly know how to cheer a mare up.”
Author's Note
And then they kissed.
Whoa! Hey, now! Where the fuck did that just come from!
Git outta here, sentimental moment!
Had to off set the sudden lacking of two-fisted, white knuckled, manly action going on there.
You can forgit about seein' any of that mushy stuff happen in the next chapter, 'cause Mal Coltran's gonna be doing what he does best: Laying down the Law
Coming up next: For Want of a Nail
