Chapters I Once Was Lost, But Now Am Found
Some say, "Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're going to get." and "Sometimes life throws you a curve ball." What they failed to mention is that sometimes life decides that you took a shit in its cereal and decides to royally fuck with you. In my case, as in many, I ended up having to bend over and take it up the tail pipe. By now your probably confused as to why I'm telling this, well let me explain.
My story begins on Monday, June 22nd, 2013 to be precise; A day I'll never forget. I had just turned 17 on the 17th and I'd just finished the first half of my Sophomore year of high school at Sheldon High School in Sacramento, CA. (I got held back a year in elementary school, sue me.) I lived about 30 minutes southeast of there in small town by the name of Sloughhouse, CA. Not a whole lot of note out there, just the Davis Ranch Corn Stand and the Sloughhouse Inn. Lot's of beef cattle, in fact a number of large swaths of land were held by the same families that had owned it since back when it was still Mexican Territory and the Mexican government was still giving out land grants. It was nice place to live: Peaceful, plenty of land, and on clear Spring day, you could see the snow capped peaks of the Sierra Nevada's in all their majesty.
I lived in a nice two story house on about five and half acres with my parents Jon and Laura, 3 cats, 3 dogs, 4 chickens, 2 horses, 30 to 40 goats (and a partridge in a pear tree). I kid, I kid, but seriously it was a nice life. I was doing well in school, A's and B's and all that jazz, and I was studying to be a video game programmer for somebody like id Software or Valve.
Anyway, during the school year, I was talking to an old friend of mine who lived up in Washington state and he invited me to come up and hang with him for the summer. It sounded like an awesome time so I accepted. When the 22nd of June rolled around I was packing up all my stuff, my gaming computer, my console, my guns, a shitload of movies, an equally large shitload of books, and a fuckton of video games.
The time finally came for me to head out and as I went out to my van (a 1996 Plymouth Grand Voyager, a hand me down from my grandparents) my parents came out to say goodbye to me. Gave a kiss to my mom and a hug to my dad. I promised them that I would call them when I crossed the California/Oregon border, when I crossed the Oregon/Washington Border, and when I finally arrived at my friends place. After I started my van, I gave my parents one last wave goodbye and they did the same before I drove down the driveway and onto the road to begin my trip. Little did all of us realize that it would be the last time we would ever see each other again.....
About three hours later, I'm going about 85 MPH on I-5 after I passed through Redding. Now It's about 6:00 in the morning and at this point I'm driving along when weird purple energy field shows up out of nowhere in the middle of the road and before I can react, I've ended up already driving into it.
There's some big white flash and of a sudden I'm speeding through an apple orchard. I'm still fucking freaked out so I don't even think to press the brake and I end up hitting this scarecrow (which looked like a horse for some reason). Due to the fact that I completely freaked out because I've ended up in an apple orchard, I start screaming my head off. The scare-horse? falls away from the car a few seconds later only to reveal that I'm about to run into a barn. I decided to do the smart thing and scream even harder. As you can guess I ended up going through the open door and slammed into a giant pile of straw.
I'm out for a couple a minutes due to the impact. When I come to, my heads banging like a drum so I decided to get out and see what's going on. I get out and the first thing I see is group of three ponies, One really fucking big red guy wearing a yoke, a flannel shirt, and jeans, a smaller orange one wearing a Stetson hat, a different color flannel shirt and a pair of jeans (I'm sensing a pattern here), and one of comparable size that was maybe Puce colored? I don't know, anyway she was wearing, wait for it..........a flannel shirt and jeans. We're all just standing there with 'What the....fuck?' looks on our faces until I realize, "Holy Shit....I'm in the fucking My Little Pony Universe...." I just start laughing, slowly at first but building up speed until I'm laughing really fucking hard and it's not because I think it's funny, It's because I've gone Section 8. I do that for about 5 minutes while they get progressively more creeped out by me until I just stop laughing and fall over flat on my face unconscious.
And that.......is how I ended up in Equestria.....
My name's Paul and this is my story.................
I Once Was Lost, But Now Am Found
Two years later......
A digital alarm clock on the nightstand began to flash 7:30 A.M. and made its usual loud stretched pitch beeping for about 20 seconds before a hand reached over and pressed the alarm shutoff button. Paul made a complaining groan as he lay in his bed before getting up. He stood in his boxers blinking a number of times before he went to his closet to retrieve his clothes for school that day.
There was a big hub bub when he had first arrived, after all he did end up slamming his van into the Apple Family barn. There had been shock at his arrival but not as much as one would have thought. Princess Celestia was already on hand not long after he arrived and revealed to Paul (once he had accepted the fact he was in universe of talking pastel colored ponies) that he was not the first Human to arrive in Equestria; that honor belonged to another human named Joe who had arrived a number of years prior to him. Like Joe, Paul had been given employment at Sweet Apple Acre's so he would have some bits of his own and to pay off the damage done to the barn. Paul had heard that Joe had a relatively easy time adapting to life in Equestria. Paul would have no such luck. This was due to his own personal reasons. He had grieved for a while at the likelihood that he would never see his family or home again but after a while he just bottled up his sadness and put on an aura of aloofness and anger. He was not very friendly with many ponies, but he was civil to most including his employer's: The Apple family. They all treated him well, Big Macintosh, Applejack, Granny Smith, and Apple Bloom. His thoughts shifted when he thought of Apple Bloom. The family had been more than friendly and hospitable to him but Apple Bloom always seemed to go the extra mile. He also could have sworn that he had seen her watching him while he worked with Big Mac, Applejack, and Joe in the apple orchard but he never found any evidence to indicate that she was. She was always eager to help him and to be around him but he never thought anything of it, he just assumed that she was being friendly toward him. He was never friendly per say in return, just civil. He was polite but he never was as warm to her as she was to him. He just didn't feel that he had the capacity to do so.
He had however managed to develop a very close friendship with Joe, Due to him being the only other human in Equestria, he was also the only one that Paul was ever truly friendly with, but he still kept all of his thoughts to himself. He never spoke to anypony about his feelings and that was just the way he liked it. He'd also managed to make enough money to be able to have his own house. In sort of a way of recapturing the life he had lost, he had it made to be a perfect replica of his old home.
Paul opened up his closet and retrieved a grey T-shirt that read: "You read my shirt, that's enough social interaction for one day.", a dark blue collared shirt, and his father's grey corduroy sport coat. 'Just another god damn fucking day at school' he though to himself as he retrieved socks and a pair of blue jeans. After putting on his jeans and socks along with his pair of blue and black Nike's, he put on his T-shirt, then put his collared shirt on but left it completely unbuttoned, and put on the sport coat. He went to the bathroom to continue his morning routine. He looked in the mirror and though 'Jesus Fucking Christ....I look like hammered shit' before he continued by retrieving an electric razor and trimming his beard and mustache back to stubble, before brushing his teeth.
After he had finished he let out a deep sigh as he returned to his bedroom and picked up a black baseball cap which he wore backwards, a pair of Ray-Bans Aviator Sunglasses which he hung on the neck of his t-shirt, his Timex Digital Watch, a pair of fingerless gloves, and pair of military style dog-tags that he'd received as a present for his 14th birthday.
He took another deep sigh and said to no one, "Well, now that I've finished putting on my mask of sanity, I'd say it's time for a damn coffee and a bagel."
He went down stairs and into the kitchen where he made himself a very LARGE cup of coffee and a cream cheese bagel. After he finished his breakfast, he looked at his watch to see it read 8:00 A.M. He grunted and said, "Well...no sense in delaying the inevitable." With this he grabbed a pair of keys from a basket along with a Zippo Lighter with the words "Like A Boss" emblazoned on it, put on his Ray Bans and walked out the door.....
*Okay, kill the music*
Two hours earlier at Sweet Apple Acres....
"Apple Bloom! It's time tah get up!" Big Mac said as he stood in the doorway.
"Alright big brother, I'm up." She said as she slowly removed her covers and sat up on her bed.
Big Mac gave her a small smile before he shut the door to give her privacy while she changed and headed downstairs.
Apple Bloom yawned for a second before getting up to use her shower. Entering her bathroom, she quickly took off her trademark bows, her undershirt and her panties as she got in. As she went about her business, she thought about the possibilities of her day. She thought about meeting up with Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo during lunch and after school and about what assignments might be handed out that day. When she started think about Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo, her mind ventured to how they both had very-special-some-pony's, namely Pipsqueak and Joe respectively. She began to feel a bit sad when she remembered that her relationship with Bane didn't work out. The relationship had ended on amicable terms, but it still felt like a deep wound in her heart. Her mind then wandered to Paul and she started feeling a little bit better.
Apple Bloom had been friendly to Paul ever since he first ended up in Equestria. Her family was polite and kind to him sure, but she put in the extra effort to make him feel welcome and to adapt to Equestrian life because she knew what it was like to not have many friends and to be socially isolated. Her feelings had initially only been friendly, but as time went by she developed strange feelings regarding Paul. This had caused reactions ranging from that warm sunny feeling to the drastic need for some alone time. However, nothing ever happened because of Paul's aloof nature, and while he was polite and nice to her, he never returned her feelings. It was because of that, she decided to move on and ended up starting a relationship with Bane. When that relationship had ended 4 weeks ago, her feelings for Paul had returned....and with a vengeance.
She began to recall seeing Paul without his shirt on, when she had spied on him while he was working the orchards with her brother, sister, and Joe 3 weeks ago. As she recalled all the details of his fine sculpted form that could only come from bucking apple trees she slowly reached her hoof down towards the lower half of her body and she began to....
*You know the drill, Stop Music.*
*We interrupt this fanfic to annoy you, and make things generally irritating. * *GOD DAMN IT ERIC! HOW DO YOU KEEP FINDING ME!? Eric Idle everyone. ERIC, GET THE FUCK OUT HERE! Anyway...*
After she had finished, being thankful she was already in the shower, she shut the water off, dried her self off, and went to the bed room and put on her usual outfit of a striped plaid flannel shirt, blue jeans, and a new pair of underwear. After that she stepped in front of the mirror in her room and began putting in the bows in mane and tail before loosening her shirt a bit. She wanted to make herself look just a little bit extra sexy in the hopes of gaining Paul's attention.
"APPLE BLOOM! Grub's on!" Big Mac called from the kitchen below.
"CAHMING!" She replied, before turning red at the realization of the connection between what she said and what she had been doing in the shower. Quickly, she shook it off and headed down stairs.
As she finished descending the steps and headed towards the dining table, she saw Applejack and Granny Smith sitting while Big Mac was in the kitchen making breakfast.
"Mornin' sleepin' beauty." Applejack said happily to her little sister.
"Mornin' Applejack, Granny." she replied as she took a seat at the table.
Big Mac came back from the kitchen carrying a large plate of pancakes before setting them down and taking his place at the head of the table and dishing out food to everyone before they began eating.
"Yahr looking a little extra nice today Apple Bloom. There somethin' special goin' on?" Big Mac remarked
"Ah bet there's a new colt she's got her eye on." Granny remarked. Apple Bloom blushed profusely, her family was like the Abwher of keeping secrets.
"Well that solves that riddle. Who is he?" Applejack inquired, happy that her sister was starting to get over her past relationship.
"Just someone at school, but ah don't think he notices me. He's polite and all but he never shows if he's interested or naht." Apple Bloom replied.
"Any colt'd be lucky to be with ya Apple Bloom," Big Mac said comfortingly, "Although ah am gonna want tah meet him eventually if you do get together with 'em."
Apple Bloom smiled lovingly at Big Mac before looking up at the clock to see that it read 8:00 A.M. The school carriage would be at the end of her road in a few minutes.
"Dang! Ah got tah get going!" she said as she quickly finished eating. She got up, picked up her backpack, and hugged her brother for his earlier remark, "Thank yah Big Mac." She gave a hug to Applejack and a kiss to Granny before hurrying quickly out the door.
Mac watched his kid sister run out the door and chuckled to himself, "Guess she doesn't want to keep her crush waitin'........"
Author's Note
This is how Apple Bloom looks now:
I Once Was Lost, But Now Am Found
The school carriage had arrived at Sweet Apple Acres at its appointed time on the dot. Apple Bloom quickly collected herself and got on board. She moved towards the back and sat near Sweetie Belle and Pipsqueak. "Hey y'all!" she said happily to the two as she quickly took a seat while the carriage pulled away.
"Hi Apple Bloom, how are you doing this morning?" Sweetie Belle asked as she looked up from Pipsqueak with whom she had been holding hooves.
"Ahm doin' okay! How 'bout yah two?" Apple Bloom replied.
"We're okay, In fact Pipsqueak is going to take me to the movies later tonight!" she happily squeed as Pipsqueak gave a happy smile.
"Oh....Okay...." Apple Bloom paused while her face dropped a bit before returning to a smile, "That's great you two! Ahm real happy for yah." she said before she turned to face out the window.
"Are you okay Apple Bloom? Are you still sad about Bane?" Sweetie Belle inquired noticing the short change in her friends disposition.
"Nah, nah, ahm okay...ahm okay..." she said before looking back out the window.
About 20 minutes had passed as the carriage moved closer to its final destination while Apple Bloom had spent that time staring out the window at the passing scenery. All the while thinking about the object of her affections: Paul. She had sat there thinking about how she could get past the barrier he had put up to keep others from knowing his true thoughts and feelings before letting out a deep sigh.
"It's him, isn't it?" Sweetie Belle asked, "You're thinking about Paul again aren't you?"
"Is it that obvious?" Apple Bloom said dejectedly.
"Why do you keep pining for him? He's never shown any interest in you or anypony else for that matter." Sweetie Belle said. "For Celestia's sake, the only one Paul's ever been truly friendly with is Joe and he doesn't even tell him a whole lot."
"Ah know," Apple Bloom replied sadly, "But ahm the only one of us who don't have a very special somepony. Yah have Pipsqueak here, and Scootaloo has Joe, and who do ah have? Nopony, and ever since Bane and ah broke up ah haven't been able tah get Paul out of my head. Sweetie Belle, ahv never felt this strongly 'bout anypony before. Ah want him, badly. Ah don't know why, but ah just have this feelin' that we're supposed ta be together and ah know we can if ah can just get 'em tah come out of his shell a bit."
"Well, I still think that it's probably an exercise in futility, but if you really feel that strongly about him, then I think you should go for it. Just remember that whatever happens, me and Scootaloo will be there for you if you need it." Sweetie Belle said comfortingly.
"Thank ya, Sweetie Belle." Apple Bloom replied thankfully as she gave her a big hug.
"Whew! Who turned up the emotion in here?" Pipsqueak mentioned playfully which earned him a shove from Sweetie Belle. Pipsqueak just chuckled in reply.
By that point the carriage was nearing the entrance to the school. Apple Bloom looked out the window and saw none other than the one who she longed for.. Paul was walking across the street in his usual getup, hat on backwards, sunglasses on, his hands in his coat pockets, and his ear buds in. She saw that he was walking across the street and gasped when he was on course to walk right in front of the carriage. At that point the carriage screeched to a halt and Paul just kept on walking towards the front of the school. He had seen the carriage coming, he simply just didn't care. Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Pipsqueak watched him as he continued to walk towards school as the carriage continued on to pull into front school lot.
Apple Bloom gave a longing sigh as she watched him continue on his way. "Good luck with him honey. You're in for an uphill battle." Sweetie Belle snarked
"Thanks for the inspiring words of confidence." Apple Bloom replied sarcastically.
"Just because I think you should go for it, doesn't mean I'm going to sugarcoat it for you." Sweetie Belle replied.
Apple Bloom gave snort as she and the students began filing off the carriage and into the school. As she entered the building she spied Paul walking down a hall. Picking up the pace, she quickly began to shadow him as he moved through the hall's. As she followed him, she heard some sound coming from his ear buds. As she listened, she realized he was listening to a song and she began to make out the lyrics....
How can it be permissible?
She's a craze you'd endorse, she's a powerful force
Simply irresistible
Her loving is so powerful, huh!
She's a natural law and she leaves me in awe
Simply irresistible
Simply irresistible she's so fine, there's no tellin' where the money went
She's unavoidable, I'm backed against the wall
Simply irresistible
Her methods are inscrutable
She's a craze you'd endorse, she's a powerful force
Simply irresistible
She's so fine, there's no tellin' where the money went
Simply irresistible
As she listened, she realized that if the she's and her's in the song were changed to he's and his, her feelings for Paul would be described completely. At this thought, her blush response went into effect like clockwork. After another minute, she saw him stop at his locker. It wasn't difficult to figure out which one was his, in fact everyone in school knew which one belonged to him. After all, having a locker with the words, "Fuck with this locker and you die Asshole!" inscribed on it is a very good identifier. As he opened his locker, Apple Bloom tried to work up the courage to go over and ask him out, when all of a sudden a voice dripping with venom cut across Apple Bloom's ears like knife.
"What are you looking at Redneck?" Diamond Tiara snarked as Apple Bloom whipped around to face her. As usual she was flanked by two tall stallions along with Silver Spoon.
"None of yahr business." Apple Bloom shot back. Diamond Tiara looked ahead to see that Apple Bloom had been watching Paul.
"Get this straight you hick, Paul's mine, not yours. Why don't you go and hook up with one of your cousins or something. That's what you rednecks do isn't it?" she said hatefully.
"Yah think that after Sweetie Belle and Ah knocked yah on yahr prissy ass after yah thought yah could use Scootaloo as yahr personal punching bag, yah would've given up on bothering colts." Apple Bloom said with a grin knowing she had scored a hit.
"Why you little cunt...boy's, grab her." Tiara commanded. On cue the two stallions grabbed Apple Bloom and shoved her against the wall. "You're going to pay for that little remark you inbred hick." she said.
"Don't rough her up too much, Miss Tiara. I've never gotten fresh with a farm girl before." One of the stallions said with an evil grin on his face. At this Apple Bloom's eyes grew wide in absolute terror.
"Let her go." a voice commanded. Everybody looked to see that Paul was no longer at his locker and instead standing in front of the group with his hands in his jacket pockets.
"Well look who decided to show his face for a change." Silver Spoon snarked.
"It's better looking than yours bitch." He shot back. Silver Spoon recoiled unable to say in anything in response.
"Paul, what a coincidence, I was just looking for you." Diamond Tiara said in a sultry voice as she walked up to him and put her hooves around him.
"Get your fucking hooves off of me you dumb fucking whore." he said as he shoved her off of him. "Looks to me like you're using muscle to pick on Apple Bloom because you're not tough enough to do it yourself. I mean honestly, Diamond Tiara, This not 'Nam, this high school. There are rules."
"How dare you talk to me that way, do you know just who I actually am!?" She yelled at him.
"Believe me I wish I didn't. You know Tiara, " he said as he removed his sunglasses and hung them on his shirt collar, "Girls like you are just like a game of Perfection....If something can fit in the slot, you just put in there." He said with a evil grin on his face.
"Why you arrogant little...Boys." She commanded. On cue the stallions released Apple Bloom and moved to Diamond Tiaras side.
"That's very good Diamond Tiara. Can Thing 1 and Thing 2 roll over, play dead, and fetch as well?" Paul snarked.
"Boys, put Paul in his place." Tiara commanded. The two teenage stallions began to move towards Paul who quickly pulled his right hand out of his jacket pocket to reveal a switchblade which he opened quickly and aimed at Tiara, Silver Spoon, and the stallions who froze in their tracks with looks of fear on their faces.
"Honey, try and touch me or touch Apple Bloom again and you're entering a world of pain." He said as he moved the blade back and forth as the Tiara and her thugs watched with bated breath. "Touch either of us, and you're entering a world pain. You think I'm fucking around? That's right, you know this switchblade all too well don't you Tiara?" He said venom dripping from his voice. "Now....get the fuck out of here before I put smile on all three of your faces that you won't be able to take off..."
At this the two stallions ran as fast as their legs would take them. Diamond Tiara backed away slowly before saying, "This isn't over! You'll pay for this! You haven't heard the last of me!"
"Maybe, but it will be the last we hear from you for a while!" Paul shot back. He looked over at Silver Spoon who was still frozen in place, "Honey, I suggest you find some new friends." he said. At this Silver Spoon quickly nodded before running off.
Apple Bloom quickly gathered herself and walked over to Paul. "Thank yah.....Paul." she said almost starstruck.
"It's alright kid. I just really hate that scum sucking bitch." He said as he closed the switchblade and put it back in his pocket. "You okay? They didn't get too rough with you, did they?" He said as he looked her over to make sure she wasn't injured.
"No, no, ah'm okay...." she said almost in shock as she felt his hands move across her searching for injuries. As he pulled his hands back she thought to herself in a starstruck state, 'He...touched me...'
"Kid.....You okay?" He said as he saw her staring at him with a small smile on her face.
"Yeah...I'm okay." she said as she shook her head to clear her mind.
"Listen, I think I should walk you to class today, just in case that slut and her dogs try and pull a fast one on you." he said protectively.
"Okay......" Apple Bloom said shyly.
"Alright then kid, let's get moving." He replied
As she walked by his side, Apple Bloom started doing the happy dance inside her mind, 'Oh my Celestia, He's walking me to class! Ah've never felt so happy!' It was then that she thought back to the refrain of the song Paul had been listening to earlier: He had looked good to her before, but now she found him...........Simply Irresistible.
Author's Note
If you want to know what Oxton High School looks like, just think of Shermer High School from the Breakfast Club. Basically the same thing.
I Once Was Lost, But Now Am Found
"Well here we are, first period English. Where your mind comes to rot." Paul snarked as he pushed open the door to the class. Apple Bloom giggled at Paul's sarcasm as she followed him into class. He went and took his usual seat in the very back of the room where he leaned back and tucked his hat over his eyes.
Apple Bloom stood nervously near the door before cautiously weaving her way through the classroom past the other students to where Paul sat. "Uhhh...Paul?" she nervously asked
Paul lifted his hat from his eyes, "Yeah?...." he inquired
"Would it......be alright if...I sat next to yah today?" she said hesitantly.
He paused for a moment, "Sure......knock yourself out Angel Face." He said jokingly before pulling his hat over his eyes again.
Apple Bloom paused for a moment, thanking Celestia that Paul wasn't looking at her extremely red face. 'Angel Face.....he called me Angel Face.....' she thought trying her best not to squee before promptly sitting at the desk to the right of Paul.
There was about 10 minutes before class started so Apple Bloom decided to try making small talk with Paul. "So........what do ya do for fun?"
"Why you ask?" Paul replied lifting his hat from his eyes.
"No...reason. Just curious." She said cautiously.
"Relax kid, I don't bite...I do plenty of stuff. Usually I'm watching movies at my house, playing something on my computer, smoking a bit of weed, reading, and pretty frequently Joe and I go shooting on the outskirts of your ranch, though not always target shooting, sometimes I manage to bag something for my meat locker." he said candidly
"You.....kill animals?" she said frighteningly.
"Angel Face, I'm an omnivore, that means I eat meat and plants. Not to mention I don't just go popping a cap in any animal that crosses my path, I only kill what I can eat. Then I have it sent to some Griffon Butcher here in Oxton. The way I see it, they're getting off easier with me than if some other predator caught them. Some timber wolf catches a deer, they're chasing the poor bastard down before they knock 'em over, and while it's completely terrified, the wolf reaches down and rips the deer's throat out. With me, it's just a shot to the chest just behind the front legs, quick, painless, and he doesn't even know it's coming." He said irritatingly.
"Oh...ah'm sorry Paul, Ah didn't mean tah offend ya. I was just a bit surprised." She replied apologetically.
"It's alright kid," he said before chuckling a bit, "You should have seen when Fluttershy found out, I swear it looked like she was having an epileptic seizure."
Apple Bloom chuckled at the image of Fluttershy's reaction before putting on a serious face to ask her next question. "Paul.......why did yah help me when Diamond Tiara was botherin' me?"
Paul gave her an incredulous look. "Are you shittin' me? I helped you out because I saw someone who needed help and I wasn't just going to stand there and let Diamond Tiara beat you and watch while her thug got fresh with you. Not to mention I hate that fucking cum guzzling slut with a furious passion."
Apple Bloom recoiled at the harshness of his words, she hated Diamond Tiara, but the way Paul spoke telegraphed a latent well of fury and wrath. "Ah noticed yah seem tah hate Diamond Tiara a lot, more than most ponies ah know. Why is that?" she asked.
"You noticed that huh? Well let me answer your question with a question. You remember how she tried to get fresh with Joe?" He asked. Apple Bloom nodded in reply, she had heard the story through Scootaloo. "Well she tried the same thing with me. Apparently she thinks the new guys in school are her own personal fuck toys....anyway, we got paired up on an assignment for history, we're at my house, and basically she pulled a repeat of what she tried at Joe's place with the banana's and the table bit, what was different was that she came this fucking close to ruining my Father's jacket that I'm wearing here." He said motioning to his coat. "It's one the few things of my parents I still have. Not to mention the fact she also somehow managed to ruin my rug. So at that point I just lose it. I grab her slutty ass off the table and throw her to the ground. I'm holding her by her throat and I pull out my switchblade, and I stick it right under her throat and I tell her 'You ever come near my house, or almost ruin something of my parent's I will slit your fucking throat you whore.' Then I quite literally tossed her out of my house......Damn, that rug really tied the room together."
Apple Bloom paused in shock for a moment before asking, "Is....that why you said Diamond Tiara knew that switchblade of yours all too well?"
"Bingo." Paul said while pointing at her. "It's okay kid, you don't have to worry about me going off like that on you or anybody else. Diamond Tiara's the only one who gets that privilege. Not to mention I wasn't actually going to slit her throat, I just wanted to put the fear of God into her. Same thing in the hall earlier"
This bit of information calmed Apple Bloom, who honestly didn't believe that Paul was actually capable of murdering a pony though his anger did give her pause for moment.
At the same time the teacher came into the class room and stood at the head of the class. As she entered, Paul suddenly bellowed out, "HERE SHE COMES TO WRECK THE DAAAAYYYYYYY!" At this Apple Bloom along with a good portion of the class burst out laughing.
"Very funny Paul...." the teacher remarked sarcastically. "Almost as funny as the fact that you decided to actually show up on time for a change."
"Well you know me ma'am, I go where I please, when I please....and I please where I go." He said teasingly while giving a wink to Apple Bloom who immediately blushed to the point she shared her brother's color in the facial region.
"Anyway......" The teacher said in order to change the focus to the lesson plan for the day. She continued to speak but Paul simply tuned most of it out. He'd pick up the important bits.
Apple Bloom ended up tuning out most of the lecture as well, though not on purpose. While Paul was catching a few Z's, she began to fantasize about him again, this time imagining that they were together out under the star's in her family's apple orchards.
She imagined that they were lying beneath a large apple tree on a hill in the orchard, a patchwork quilt underneath their bodies as he laid on top of her while he slowly yet passionately kissed her.
"Please Paul, I want yah inside me.......I need yah inside me...I want yah to be my first." she begged
"You don't have to twist my arm, Angel Face." He said as he kissed her neck, causing her to shiver with pleasure.
She held her breath in anticipation as the both took off their pants and began to "OH FOR CHRIST'S FUCKING OWN SAKE!"
Apple Bloom snapped back to reality to see Paul having an argument with the teacher over an assignment.
"What's the problem Paul?" the teacher said exasperatingly.
"You know I work alone." he replied sounding very irritated.
"I'm sorry Paul but you're going to have to work with a partner on this assignment. If it's any consolation, you get to pick your partner." the teacher replied.
"Yeah, some fucking consolation..." he said to himself as the teacher continued on.
"What was that about?" Apple Bloom inquired.
"We need to write a paper about a book of our choice and.....we need to work with a partner." he replied. At this a smile lit up across Apple Bloom's face as she hoped that he would pick her as his partner. And her hopes would be fulfilled. "Listen....I may not like working with others but I might as well make the best of a bad situation by choosing somebody that I like. So....do you want to be my partner on this assignment?"
Apple Bloom managed to keep a straight face, "Yes....Yes ah would like that Paul." 'He likes me! HE LIKES ME!!' she thought before squeeing with delight internally. With that the bell rang and students began filing out of the classroom. "So...when should we get together tah start working on this?" she asked.
"I'll check my schedule and get back to you on that. The thing's not due for 3 weeks so we've got time. I know where you live so we can keep in contact easily." he replied. The two teenagers walked out into the hall. "Well Angel Face, this is where we part ways for now. Let me know if you have anymore trouble from Diamond Tiara and her muscle. Though after today, I don't think they'll be bothering you for a while."
"Thank ya Paul, for everything." She said before giving him a large hug. He simply stood there in shock as she squeezed him before promptly letting go after realizing what she had done and having her face once again go nuclear.
"Oh mah gosh, Ah'm so sorry, Ah shouldn't have done that, Ah..." she said before he interrupted her.
"It's okay Angel Face, nothing wrong with a little friendly expression of gratitude. You ever have a problem, don't be afraid to give me a call." He said before giving her a piece of paper with his phone number on it.
"Thank ya, ah will...." she said almost in a trance.
He gave her a curious look before saying, "Alright then, you take care Angel Face. See you in third period biology." and with that he walked off towards his math class with Joe.
As Apple Bloom walked to her next class she held the piece of paper close to her chest and thought, 'HE GAVE ME HIS PHONE NUMBER!!' before letting loose a shriek of delight in her head. The rest of that day Apple Bloom had a noticeable spring in her step as she went about her business.
Author's Note
In case your wondering why Paul's first period English class is so fucking boring, It's because its based off of the British Literature class I had to take Senior year of high school. It was boring as that lecture from Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Anybody who's been through their senior year in high school knows what I am talking about. Anybody who hasn't yet, you have been warned.....
I might, MIGHT get enough gumption to actually write sex scenes. I don't know, only time will tell.
Also, two chapters in one night! This took till early morning, you guys better appreciate it. Speaking of which, Holy shit it's almost 5 in the morning, I need to get bed NOW. Later.
I Once Was Lost, But Now Am Found
A week and half had passed since the day when Paul had come to Apple Bloom's aid. That day was still razor sharp in her mind as she couldn't believe that in the course of a single day Paul had become her assignment partner and knight in shining armor, actually more like foul-mouthed knight in shining sport jacket, backwards baseball cap, and fingerless gloves, but a knight nonetheless. During the course of that week and half, Paul was her guardian angel, showing up to school before her and walking her to class everyday. True to his word, Diamond Tiara had not bothered Apple Bloom at all during that time period and Apple Bloom was the happiest filly she'd ever been.
The bell to signal the end of second period and the beginning of lunch rang at the usual appointed time of 11:30. Paul raised his head to look at the clock and had trouble believing that class was already over. He looked over at Joe to see he was talking to Scootaloo and after he had finished what he had to say, gave her a passionate kiss.
"Those two...." Paul thought to himself with a smile on his face. He quickly got with the program, however, and filed out of the class along with the rest of the students. Paul was halfway down the hall when heard a voice call to him from behind, "HEY BENDER!"
Paul turned around to face the voice but he already knew it belonged to as he cracked a small smile. "HEY YOURSELF, COWBOY!" He returned as Joe ran up to him.
"How's it going man?" Joe asked.
"Okay, things have been a little more interesting around here than usual for me lately." Paul replied.
"Really? Well, I was going to have lunch at Tony's today, want to tag along?" Joe offered
"Sure......Tony's....isn't that the place you played hero in and almost got blown up in a propane explosion?" He said teasingly.
"Ughh...I was not almost blown up in a propane explosion....Tony just likes exaggerating for dramatic effect." Joe replied in an exasperated tone of voice.
"Okay, Okay....You got admit, it does sound a hell of a lot cooler that way though." Paul said
"Yeah, Yeah, anyway you coming?" Joe asked.
"Lead the way cowboy." Paul replied as he followed Joe out the door.
Paul followed Joe out of the school and around the corner to his 1967 Ford Shelby Cobra. "Wow man, you really keep this thing in top of the line condition."
"Well, It's my girl, got to take good care of her." He said as he and Paul got into the car.
"I thought Scootaloo was your girl." Paul said jokingly.
"Well then it's my OTHER girl, if you're gonna split hairs." Joe said in faux sarcastic voice as he started the engine.
Paul chuckled to himself, he always liked messing with Joe, it was just so much fun.
With that Joe threw the car into first gear and pressed down on the accelerator as the car left the front school lot.
10 minutes later they rolling down the main Ponyville-Oxton road at 85 MPH. As they drove along, Paul reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a cigarette and his Zippo lighter. "Hey Joe, it all right if I smoke?"
Joe took a deep sigh, "Yeah, okay man, just roll down the window, would you kindly?"
"Sure thing Fontaine." Paul replied as he rolled down the window before bringing the cigarette to his lips and opening his lighter with a flick of his thumb, lighting it up, and bringing the flame to the end of the cigarette. Paul quickly closed the lid on the lighter and took a long drag on the cigarette before exhaling out the window.
"You know you shouldn't smoke, it's bad for you." Joe stated.
"Yeah, well we shouldn't be in world populated by talking pastel colored ponies, but apparently nobody got that memo." Paul said bitterly before taking another drag. He knew Joe meant well but he just didn't want to hear it.
"Why do you smoke anyway?" Joe inquired.
"Because it helps ease the pain." Paul said curtly. "And that's all we're going to discuss about that matter, clear?"
"Okay, Okay, man sorry." Joe quickly apologized. He may have been Paul's only real friend but he knew when to back off and this was one of those times.
Another 10 minutes had passed as the two teenagers sat in silence while the car traveled down the road. The silence was becoming unnerving so Joe made an attempt to break it with some humor.
"So, that was pretty clever quip you pulled on Mr K. in biology class on Monday." Joe said laughingly.
"What quip? What are you talking abo.....Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh...That quip...." Paul said as mischievous grin spread across his face..............................
Monday, 1:50 P.M.
It had been a particularly boring day in biology for Paul, the fact that he shared the class with Joe and Apple Bloom was of small comfort. Mr K. had been talking about the subject of asexual reproduction and about the animals that reproduced via that method. When Paul heard this he whispered something to Joe, who chuckled to himself before passing it on to Apple Bloom. When Apple Bloom heard it she began loudly giggling uncontrollably. At this Mr. K. turned around from writing on the board and said, "MS. APPLE! What is so amusing?"Apple Bloom continued to giggle uncontrollably as instinctively turned to face Paul who turned away and said "What?"
Mr. K turned to Paul and said, "Alright Paul....." as Paul turned to face him, "Maybe you could tell us who first suggested the idea of reproduction without sex."
At this Paul stated, "Ummmmmmm.....your wife?" At this the entire class erupted into laughter with Apple Bloom now having tears in her eyes from laughing so hard.
Mr. K stood at the front of the class with a very unamused look on his face before saying "Get out, Paul. Get out."
At this Paul put on his sunglasses, hat, and backpack, and stood up before saying to Apple Bloom and Joe, "Well, see guys later....." he said as he walked to door. Before exiting he said, "You know Mr. K. you really should bring in wife seeing as she is an expert in that field of study...."
"OUT!!" Mr. K yelled as the class laughed even harder.
"Thank you everyone you've been a lovely audience, I'm here till Friday, don't forget to tip your waitress." Paul concluded.
"OUT!!!!" Mr. K once again yelled as the class literally fell out of their seats at this point.
"Later." Paul said before zipping out the door.
Both teenagers burst out laughing as they approached the Ponyville city limits. "Don't forget to tip your waitress!!" Joe said almost choking on laughter.
"OUT!!!!" Paul yelled before succumbing to his own uncontrollable laughter.
The two laughed for a few more minutes before Joe pulled up in front of Tony's Place. "Alright funny man, we're here." he said as he got out of the car with Paul doing the same. "Good, I'm hungry enough to eat a horse. Whoops, probably shouldn't say that." He said as he dropped the remains of his cigarette and crushed them under foot before following Joe inside.
As soon as they walked inside they were almost instantly greeted warmly by the owner Mario. "Hey, Joey! How's a my favorite customer?"
"How ya doing Mario?" Joe replied
"Good, good, hey I see you brought a your friend Paul here!" Mario said greeting Paul happily.
"What's up man?" Paul said nonchalantly as he shook Mario's hoof with his fingerless gloved hand. "Hey did you ever burn that spoon?" he said chuckling. "Actually yes, I a did that a while back."
"What you mean 'burn that spoon'?" Joe inquired.
"Just a little a inside a joke." Mario replied "Now let's take you two to your a table."
"Lead the way Marco Polo." Paul said as he followed Joe and Mario to their table.
As two teenagers sat at their table, Mario spoke, "What can I a get you two?"
"I'll have the usual spaghetti." Joe replied.
"I'll have the lasagna, no mushrooms with a J&B straight up." Paul requested.
"Jesus Paul, it's only 12:10. Don't you think it's a little early to be drinking?" Joe asked
"Okay, three things Joe: 1. It's 5:00 somewhere. 2. I'm 18, I'm old enough to drink where and when I good and God damn feel like. And 3. I thought we agreed not to talk about my choice of indulgences?" He said curtly.
"Okay, Okay man I'm sorry." Joe said backing down.
"Good........now Mario....... like I said before: J&B straight up." He said switching back to a pleasant attitude.
"At once." Mario replied heading to the kitchen to prepare their orders and to get Paul his drink.
About 20 minutes had passed before Mario returned with their food and Paul's glass of J&B. 'Please enjoy your meal." Mario said before departing.
The two spent about 10 minutes eating their food before Paul finally spoke.
"Now....." Paul said before taking a swig of his scotch. "Can we talk about something else?....." Paul asked
"Yeah......" Joe replied trying to think of something to once again break up the tension. A smile came to his face when he finally thought of something.
"Scuttlebutt has it that you've been spending a lot of time with Apple Bloom lately...." Joe said with a teasing smile on his face.
"Maybe I have.....What of it?" Paul replied
"Rumor also has it that Diamond Tiara was giving her trouble and you managed to put a stop to it. How'd you do that?" Joe asked.
"Simple.....I pulled out my switchblade and threatened to give her and her goons a Glasgow grin." He said nonchalantly as he took another swig of his J&B.
At this Joe choked a bit on some of his spaghetti before he managed to form a sentence. "Wha, you did what? Are you crazy?"
"Probably......" Paul replied as he took bite from his lasagna. "Besides what are you so flustered about? You kicked ever loving shit out of her muscle a couple of times. But then again that's probably why she doesn't fear you. Me on the other hand..........She looks at me like I'm her own personal fucking grim reaper. But that would have to do with the fact I shoved her ass to the floor and threatened to slit her throat when she pulled that stunt she did with you that one time. Bitch ruined my bananas AND my fucking rug. Damn that rug really tied the room together." Paul said in a calm manner.
Joe choked a lot more after that bit of information. "You should really drink some water man."
"You....you would have slit her throat!?" he said trying to maintain his composure.
"NO! Of course not!" Paul said which calmed Joe down a bit who took a sip of his water. "That would have gotten blood all over my carpet." he said nonchalantly as he took another sip of his J&B.
"PPPPHHHHBBBTTTTT!!!!!" Hearing this bit caused Joe to do a very large spit take which ended up getting water all over Paul's face. He in turn simply blinked before wiping off his face with his napkin. He then started laughing his head off at Joe's reaction. "Jesus Christ man!" he said as he continued to laugh. "I was kidding, I wouldn't have actually done those things, I just wanted to put the fear of God into her!" "Geeez, Apple Bloom took this a hell of a lot easier when I told her."
"Yeah.....let's get back to that." Joe replied still a bit weirded out by what Paul said. "Anyway, like I said before rumor's been going around that you and Apple Bloom are spending a lot time together."
"What are you talking about? I just walk her to class and maybe talk to her sometimes, that's it!" Paul said defensively. "There's nothing going on between us!"
"Aw come on man, you've got have noticed how she always lights up with a smile whenever she see's your face. Not to mention she's always looking for opportunities to get close to you. She likes you man, and I'm pretty sure you like her as well."
"Okay, I've smoked some good stuff but whatever your on right now, I want 50 bits worth." Paul joked.
"I'm serious man, every time I've seen you talk to her, you always loosen up a bit, you feel more comfortable around her, and don't think I haven't caught you sneaking a peak at her flank." He said in playful voice and elbowing Paul in the ribs.
"Fuck you, man. Fuck......You." He said in a dismissive tone. "I honestly don't think you have any room to be talking about how a filly's obviously got the hots for you considering what you and Scootaloo went through. I mean come on, the girl's rubbing one out in your bathroom and you didn't even notice. I may be dense, but I'm not that fucking dense."
"How do you know about that?" Joe said in a hushed voice.
"I have my sources." Paul said with a smug smile.
"Well that maybe, but it doesn't make my point any less valid." Joe shot back.
"Touche." Paul replied.
Paul looked at his digital watch to see that it read: 1:10 P.M. "Awww shit!" He said as he quickly finished the last of his lasagna and J&B. "We got 20 minutes till class starts!"
"Fuck." Joe replied as quickly wolfed down the last of his spaghetti and tossed some money on table with Paul quickly doing the same. "Money's on the table Mario. Gotta go!" Joe yelled as he and Paul ran out the door and hopped into the Shelby Cobra.
"Don't stop for lights, cops, nothing." Paul said as he put on his Ray Bans.
"Wayyyy ahead of you." Joe said as he put on his hat, turned over the engine, threw it into first gear and sped off.
10 Minutes Later......
Apple Bloom was sitting on the front steps of the school waiting for Paul as she had become so used to being his shadow and vice versa. With some time to spare, she began her usual habit of day dreaming about herself and Paul.
For this daydream she took in a more risky fantasy. She imagined that she had been standing at her locker getting her books when all of a sudden Paul showed up behind her.
"AHH! Oh, it's yah Paul. Yah scared me there fer a second." She said as he stood there with a crooked smile on his face. "Is everything alright?" she asked.
"Yeah......Everything's great...." He said before he shoved her against her locker and pushed himself extremely close to her, close enough to where she could easily see the outline of his chest through his shirt. Apple Bloom gave a small squeak as he began to deeply kiss her. After a minute he stopped to say, "You...Me.....that storage closet....now....."
"But, but, but what if someone hears us? What if they mmphf!" she said as he cut her off with a kiss.
"You worry too much." he said as he easily lifted Apple Bloom into his arms and carried her into the closet. He gingerly laid her down before saying, "Now...." he said as he took off his pants and hers as well, "I think it's time to give you what you've been waiting for...." He said as he laid over her while her eyes grew to the size of dinner plates in anticipation. Now it's time to...*SCREEEECHH!!!*
Apple Bloom eyes shot open to see that Joe's Shelby Cobra has screeched to halt around the corner of the school building as she saw both Joe and Paul running towards the entrance. "Hey Apple Bloom, what are you doing sitting out here by yourself?"
Apple Bloom quickly collected herself before answering, "I was.....just waitin' for yah, so we could go to Biology class together, seein' as yah are mah guardian angel."
"Fair enough..." he said as he looked past her to see Joe making kissing motions about him and Apple Bloom.
"Hey Apple Bloom, do you see something over there?" He said as he pointed to the direction of the football field.
"Where?" She asked.
"Over that direction." Now with her properly distracted, Paul took the opportunity to flip Joe the Bird for his teasing, who in turn just chuckled.
"Ah don't see anything." She stated
"Must have been my imagination. Aw well, lets get to class Angel Face." he said as he walked beside her. "YOU TOO COWBOY!" He yelled at Joe who had stopped making kissing gestures when Apple Bloom looked over at him.
Joe chuckled to himself as he caught up to them, but not before finding and bringing along Scootaloo. "Hey scoots." He said before giving her a kiss.
"Hey yourself Joe." she replied. "So where did you go?"
"I went to lunch with Paul, apparently he's been spending a lot of time with Apple Bloom lately."
"Really? It's nice that she managed to find someone else after Bane." Scootaloo said as she walked with Joe behind Paul and Apple Bloom.
"Well from what I've seen, she's head over heels for him." Joe replied, "However, he keeps insisting that there's nothing going on, that he's just being friendly and helping her."
"Really? Sounds like something somepony would say when they're trying to hide something. Like feelings." Scootaloo said.
"Maybe, let's just see how this plays out Joe said with a smile as he walked with his fillyfriend behind his best friend and "the filly he's just helping out" as he chuckled to himself...........
Author's Note
Equestria's drinking laws are like England's. You hit 18, you go nuts. Joe's nickname for Paul is Bender because he looks a bit like John Bender from "The Breakfast Club" In terms of his outfit.
My god, I'm becoming a worse cock tease than Rarity, and that's really saying something!
I Once Was Lost, But Now Am Found
Say Paul......Where is your car?
It had been a day since Paul's lunch and discussion with Joe at Mario's. Despite Joe's poking fun at him and saying that he and Apple Bloom were secret coltfriend and fillyfriend, He honestly did have some thoughts about him and Apple Bloom but he was unsure about these thoughts so he just decided to put them out his mind... by buying about 50 bits worth of weed and about two packs of beer then getting cross faded in his bedroom that evening. Of course he never really needed an excuse to get high or drunk...or in this case both. He just didn't think that anything would work between them and he just wanted to forget.
The alarm clock that morning felt unusually loud, less monotonous beeping and more Nuclear War Air Raid Siren. Paul's bloodshot eyes whipped open and looked upon his digital alarm clock with furious anger has he attempted to shut off the alarm clock but could not. Then he pulled out every expletive in the book, "Motherfucking, cock-sucking, son of bitch, fag, bastard, motherfucker!" before finally ripping the alarm clock out of the socket and standing up. "Fucking piece of shit...." he said before he flung it at the wall, "FUCK YOU!" he yelled before he grabbed a number of beer bottles sitting on the nightstand next to his table, yelling "FUCK YOU!" three times each as he threw three bottles at the wall where he had thrown the alarm clock.
He was about to throw a fourth one when saw it still had some beer in it. Not one to waste alcohol, he downed the liquid before tossing the bottle at the spot on the wall. "Fucker...." he uttered. He walked downstairs with his eyes squinting like Clint Eastwood, into the kitchen where he plugged the sink hole and turned on the faucet. While he let it run, he walked over to the freezer with a couple of glasses which he filled from the ice dispenser and dumped them in the sink which was now full. He shut off the faucet and stood before the sink for 3 minutes before plunging his head into the icy bath. After about 10 seconds of having his head submerged in the icy bath, he pulled his soaking head out and screamed, "GODDAMN FUCKING SHIT ON MY FATHER'S BALLS!!!" He shook his head out before unplugging the sink and walking back up to his room.
After about 30 minutes he came down stairs, wearing his usual outfit with the T-shirt for today reading, "Shit Happens When You Party Naked." He wasn't wearing his hat because he had gotten a haircut before he got fucked up last night. He was rather fond of spiking his hair. He liked having a little punk look to him. Made other ponies less likely to fuck with him. Before he sauntered out the door, he put on his sunglasses. He had the feeling he was going to be wearing those all day today.....
About 20 minutes later Paul was walking through the halls of Oxton High when he looked at his digital watch to see that it read: '10:34'. "Awwww, Christ." He muttered remembering that he was supposed to walk Apple Bloom to class like he always did. "Shit....I'm going to have to make this up to her." He thought as he turned the handle of the door to his math class and walked in. On cue, all the students and Joe looked to the door to see him walk in. The teacher also looked over and said, "Nice of you to join us, Paul."
At this Paul brought his hand to his temple and yelled, "LOUD!!!...You're too loud." As he walked to his desk.
"Might I suggest you lay off your 'late nights' so you can come to class on time..." The teacher scolded.
Paul sat down and leaned his head back saying, "I'll take that under advisement."
Joe chuckled to himself, he knew that "I'll take it under advisement" was Paul's way of saying "Fuck off, asshole." without actually saying it. The teacher, not realizing this, went back to her lesson plan as Joe leaned over and said, "Want to talk about it?"
Not moving, Paul just said "Not really but since your probably just going to annoy the shit out of me until I do, we'll meet after class...let me know what happens with the lecture." He murmured before sleep overtook him.
Joe sighed as he went back to listening to the lecture....
The Lunch bell rang on cue, causing Paul to grimace. His time asleep in class had made him less sensitive to noise so now it was just annoying. "You coming man?" Joe inquired as he stood up from his desk and began to file out of class with the rest of the students.
Paul looked up, "Give me a minute man. I'll be out directly."
"Alright, I'll be getting something from my locker. Meet me there." Joe replied
"Okay..." Paul uttered before laying his head down.
After about 3 minutes, Paul stood up and walked out the classroom. It took a minute to get through the hallway where both his and Joe's lockers’ were located. As he approached, he heard the familiar sound of banging and swear words that became a regular occurrence around this time of day. "Joe must be having trouble with his locker...AGAIN..." he uttered to no one in particular. He rounded the corner to see that he was indeed correct for Joe kicking his locker. "Jesus man, your locker looks like hammered shit." Paul said with a tired smile on his face.
"Funny...the same could be said for you man." Joe replied smiling as well. "Little help?"
"What? Scootaloo's not around to open for you and make awkward conversation?" Paul chuckled as he knew he could always push Joe's buttons about his past cluelessness about Scootaloo's crush on him.
"You gonna help me here, or are you just going to make smart remarks?" Joe said.
"All right. What's the combo?" Paul asked as he grasped the combination lock.
"12, 22, 36" Joe replied. Paul went to work imputing the combination but found himself unable to open the lock.
"Damn you combination lock! Open up! How dare you disobey me!" He scowled upon his failure. He repeated the task 3 times before saying, "Fuck this shit man." Then stepping over to his locker.
"What are you doing man?" Joe asked
"Getting something to help with that lock." He said as he opened his locker to reveal a guillotine blade that dropped down.
"Sweet Jews for Jesus, Paul! Why the fuck do you have a guillotine built into your locker!?" Joe incredulously asked.
"A number of reasons my dear Joe...." Paul said adopting a Sherlock Holmes accent, "First, I'm not for idle threats." he said pointing to the graffiti on his locker door, "And second, I saw it in a movie once and I thought it looked cool.
Joe stood there before saying, "Paul....you're scaring me."
"What can I say?" Paul said as he reached into his locker and pulled out a large hammer while giving Joe a particularly creepy Kubrick Stare. "I'm a scary guy.....You might want to stand aside..." Joe did so, continuing to give Paul a weird look.
"Let's take that hill! AHHHHHHHH!!!!" Paul yelled before charging the locker with hammer. He took one large swing at the lock, before it busted and gave way. Both Paul and Joe stood there dumbfounded for a minute. "Holy shit, it worked." Paul said matter-of-factly. "Well...." he said as he reached into his locker reveal a new combination lock which he tossed to Joe. "Here ya go man, this should be a bit better than that school spec shit."
"Has anyone ever told that you that you're totally and completely fucking insane?" Joe asked as he switched out his books in his now open locker before closing it and locking it with the new lock.
Paul looked up in introspection, "Uhhhhhhhhh......no, not since Tuesday."
"Looney." Joe replied. "Anyway, why did you come into class late and looking like death warmed over?"
"Oh that old chestnut?" Paul said as he leaned against his now closed locker, "Remember how you were teasing about Apple Bloom?"
"Oh yeah..." Joe said as a wicked grin came across his face, "So how was it? Did you do it in the hay?"
"Fuck you man." Paul shot back.
"What? She does have that Farmer's Daughter charm to her." Joe smirked as he elbowed Paul.
"Fuck....you....Keep it up and I'll start cracking jokes about you and Applejack." Paul said with a small smile of his own.
"Really man? I get enough of that from Dandelion and the rest of the guys on the team...." Joe replied in an exasperated voice.
"I can imagine the first time you two did it....You're working out the field, and Applejack was watching you from the window and she couldn't take it any more...She wanted you. So you come in and she's sitting on the couch with her shirt undone a little bit with a 'come hither' look on her face, so you sputter like an idiot about how Big Mac's gonna be back soon. She says he won't and plays dumb to your questions until you say, "Ms. Applejack, you're trying to seduce me.......aren't you?" Paul said in his best Dustin Hoffman voice.
"Okay, here's a change of pace....Fuck you man." Joe scowled. "Anyway......I was in the middle of asking you why you came in late, looking like shit....speaking of which...nice T-shirt, very tasteful." Joe said sarcastically.
"Hey, It's not like it's not true is it?" Paul replied with a smile on his face to the very unamused Joe. "Yeah, yeah....anyway I actually got to thinking about me and Apple Bloom after lunch yesterday. Pretty soon the idea of us kept running through my mind like a coked-up rabbit. And I wanted it to stop. So I got fucked up. That's pretty much the long and short of it." Paul said matter-of-factly.
"Why are you doing this to yourself? She's a nice girl and she likes you, go out with her, I'm sure it would do you both some good." Joe replied
"Because man, it just wouldn't work out....believe me. Speaking of going somewhere, I was planning on taking her to Sugarcube Corner for a coffee as a way to say "Sorry for leaving your ass hanging in the wind." Paul said
"Paul?" They heard a voice say. They both looked to see Apple Bloom running towards them.
"Speak of the devil." Joe chuckled.
"The devil, the devil indeed." Paul replied jokingly.
All of sudden Apple Bloom plowed into Paul enveloping him in a huge hug. "I missed yah!" she laughed.
Paul was a bit taken aback by her reaction and he looked over at Joe to see him giving a smug smile with a raised eyebrow. Paul just mouthed "Ms. Applejack, you're trying to seduce me." which quickly wiped the smile off of Joe's face leaving Paul to smirk at his victory.
Apple Bloom looked up from hugging Paul to say, "Where were yah today?"
"I had long night last night kid. Been feeling like hell all day." He informed her as he rubbed the back of his head. "Listen....let make up for leaving you hanging today. I was going to go Sugarcube Corner for some Coffee. Why don't you come with me?" Paul offered.
"Oh....Ah don't really drink coffee..." Apple Bloom replied while heavily blushing and her heart going a mile a minute.
"Really?.....Big Mac wakes you up at the ass crack of dawn and you don't have a cup of coffee? Well, It's a good thing I'm taking you because Pinkie Pie makes mean cup of coffee." He said.
"Okay...." she said still heavily blushing.
Paul leaned in close to her face as thoughts began racing through her mind, What's he doing? Is he gonna kiss me? she thought as her eyes began to slowly shut.
"You've got red on you." he replied.
Her eyes shot open and she tried getting whatever it was that was on her face when she realized he was talking about her blushing. This caused it to practically get turned up to 11.
"Relax kid, I'm just pulling your chain. Come on." He laughed playfully, signaling for her to follow which she promptly did.
"See ya later Casanova!" Joe yelled.
"See you later Braddock!" Paul replied.
"Braddock?" Apple Bloom inquired as they walked out the front door of the school.
"Just a little inside joke. Listen, wait for a few minutes. I'm going to go get my vehicle." Paul said.
"Yah have a vehicle?" Apple Bloom asked confusedly.
"Well sure, you didn't think Joe was the only one here with a set of wheels did you? How do you think I usually manage to beat the school carriage here?" Paul replied. "Anyway, I'll be right back. I parked down the street a little ways. I don't really like ponies gawking at it." He said before walking down the front steps of the school, across the front lot, and down a connecting street.
As he walked away, Apple Bloom let out a loving sigh. If there was one thing she loved, it was getting to see Paul walk away.
"Well, Well, Well, look who's without her guard dog." Apple Bloom heard. She whipped around to see Diamond Tiara flanked by Silver Spoon and a couple of new colt friends.
"Ah don't think yah have much room talk about that Tiara." She said while motioning to the colts behind Tiara and Silver Spoon.
"So what are you doing out here? His contract up? He only follow you in scheduled shifts?" Diamond Tiara taunted.
"If yah must know, he's taking me tah Sugarcube Corner fer coffee." Apple Bloom said smugly.
"Really? What did you do? Slip him something in a drink like you did with your brother and Cheerilee?" Tiara shot back.
This had struck home on Apple Bloom and Diamond Tiara knew it. "You probably did, didn't you? That's the only way you can get some is by slipping something in colt's drinks." It was at this point that Apple Bloom was about ready cry........
It had taken about 5 minutes to get there, but Paul rounded a nearby street corner to see his truck:......... The 1985 Toyota Hilux Xtra Cab 4X4 SR5, 3.0 Liter, 5 speed, 2 door Pickup. A smile crept across Paul's face as he unlocked the truck and sat in driver's seat.
"You miss me baby?" He asked as he turned the ignition and the engine roared to life. "Yes you did..." He answered with grin.
He shifted in to gear and drove off down the street and turned left on the road that led back to the school. As he pulled up to the intersection near the school, he could see Diamond Tiara giving guff to Apple Bloom and winning. "That...fucking bitch. She just cannot go without stirring the pot..." Then an idea went through his mind and he had a devilish grin. "Well honey, I think we should give them a show. Don't you?" He revved the engine at this and said, "I think so as well." as he put on his Ray Ban Aviators and turned on some music .
Diamond Tiara was hammering away at Apple Bloom when all of a sudden they heard the sound of tires squealing and the sound of loud hard rock music. They looked over and saw a large black truck race around the street corner before swinging into the front school lot and screeching to a halt in front of the school steps. They all watched in awe as Paul stepped out of the driver's side wearing his sunglasses and looked to Apple Bloom. "Yo! Apple Bloom! Babe! Time to Go!" before he got back in and opened the passenger door. Apple Bloom happily ran down the steps and jumped into the truck and shut the door.
Paul looked out the passenger window at Diamond Tiara and said to Apple Bloom loud enough she could hear them, "She wasn't bothering you now was she?" as he gave a threatening look towards Tiara which caused her noticeable discomfort.
Apple Bloom looked over to Tiara and gave smug smile, "No.....they were just leaving..."
Paul leaned over to her and whispered, "This'll really stick in her craw.." He said before giving her a small peck on the cheek. It had its desired effect, Tiara's jaw dropped so low it looked like it was going to detach from the rest of her body and Apple Bloom's face turned extremely red
‘He.......kissed me....’ she thought before the internal squeeing commenced.
‘I'll admit she is pretty cute when she's flustered.’ Paul thought before deciding to throw one last quip at Tiara.
"So long Dracula! Whoop! Whoop!" Paul yelled as he slammed on the accelerator and zipped out of the parking lot and down the street as Apple Bloom giggled in excitement.
As she watched the truck speed away down the road, Tiara finally spoke, "That fucking bitch!" She yelled as inexplicable black bar covered her mouth on the "fucking" bit accompanied by the sound of a dial up modem.
"How are you doing that with your mouth?" Silver Spoon asked.
"Shut the fuck up Silver Spoon." as the black bar and dial up sound returned.......
Author's Note
Here's Paul's truck...It should look familiar to you....
For those of you who don't know what a Kubrick Stare is....look it up on TV Tropes.
I Once Was Lost, But Now Am Found
It had been a couple of days since that day at Sugarcube Corner when Paul decided to give a relationship with Apple Bloom a chance. Even though it had been a week since that day, to Apple Bloom it felt like a year.
She was the happiest she had been since her breakup with Bane. Paul had felt the same about her but he was hesitant to show it for reasons even he could not really describe. He had not left her completely without affection though, he did give her the occasional peck on the cheek when nopony was looking, tossed her a smile her way in hall and she did the same for him.
She had asked him why he was being so hesitant to show his affection but he passed it off as not wanting the news that they were together to get back to Applejack and Big Mac before they told them. The only ones who knew were of course Paul and Apple Bloom, as well as Pinkie Pie but she was sworn to secrecy until the rest of the Apple Family was notified.
Joe and his friends on the football team knew as well but they were also sworn to secrecy, this oath however, was sworn under penalty of severe ass kicking from Joe. He also told them what would happen to them if Paul found out and flipped his shit. Scootaloo knew as well but she already knew to keep her lip buttoned regarding the matter....
* * *
It was 4:05, about an hour after school got out. Paul and Joe to had work in the fields that day, but Paul was driving Joe around lately since his Shelby Cobra busted its trans axle and ended up on the rack at Flim and Flam's, its guts lying all over the shop floor.
He was leaning against his truck, parked out in front of the school wearing his "Hang the DJ!" T-Shirt, puffing on a cigarette and perusing through the Canterlot Times, skimming headlines all the while. "Hmmm.....New Minister of Finance......New Era in the relationship between Equestria and the Gryphon Nation.....yada yada....High Tensions with the Changeling Nation....More like a competition to see whose dick is bigger you ask me..." He muttered while flipping through the pages before pausing to look at his digital watch. "4:05!? He should have been here 10 minutes ago! What is the fucking hold up!?" he said as he tossed the paper into his truck through the window and took another drag on his cigarette before exhaling and placing it back in his mouth.
All of sudden, Joe came out of the school wearing his cowboy hat, duffel bag on one arm and Scootaloo on the other. The two were laughing as they walked down the steps before stopping to kiss passionately. Their make out session was interrupted when Paul let out a high pitched whistle and shouted "HEY! Lover Boy!” Joe and Scootaloo broke their embrace to see Paul standing there with his Ray Bans on, a cigarette in his mouth, and a very impatient look on his face.
"As cute as you two are, we have a job to get to Joe! You two can fuck on your own time! Now toss your shit in the back and get in the truck, otherwise you're going to be walking to Sweet Apple Acres!" He called out as he walked around to the driver's side, got in and started up the truck.
Joe smirked and said to Scootaloo, "I would have thought that getting together with Apple Bloom would have loosened him up a bit."
Scootaloo gave him a small kiss before saying, "It's only been a week and they haven't told Apple Bloom's family yet. He's probably just nervous."
"Maybe… anyway I better be getting along before he takes off without me." He replied, giving her a kiss of his own.
All of a sudden the sound of a horn cut through the air for 3 seconds before Paul yelled out the window, "Last call Joe before I leave you behind!"
"Bye Scoots." He said giving her a peck on the cheek before running over to the truck, tossing his duffel bag in the truck bed, and hopping into the passenger seat before the truck speed out of the parking lot and down the road towards Sweet Apple Acres....
* * *
It had been a quiet but speedy ride from Oxton to Ponyville that day. It wasn't until they were outside of Ponyville heading to Sweet Apple Acres that Paul finally spoke.
"Look man, I'm glad you and Scootaloo are happy. By all means go nuts....but our jobs need to come first, it’s your livelihood, it’s ‘MY’ livelihood. Applejack and Big Mac maybe fair but they're not going to tolerate tardiness. That's why if you're going to be riding with me to work.....you show up WHEN IT'S TIME TO GO!!"
"Jesus man! Okay! I'm sorry!" Joe replied apologetically.
Paul took another drag on his cigarette before exhaling and sighing deeply. "I'm sorry man..... I don't mean to bite your head off..... I'm just really fucking tense lately......"
"Does it have to do with Apple Bloom?" Joe asked curiously.
"What makes you think it has to do with her?" Paul replied defensively
"Well you are two together now, and I'm getting the feeling you haven't told her family." Joe replied.
"How do you fucking know that!?" He shot back.
"I saw you in your truck that day remember?" He replied as Paul recalled that day. "I just wanted to see what was going on and I heard you from the front door of the school."
"What are you talking about? I didn't see you anywhere." Paul said inquisitively
"I was pretending to read the newspaper..." Joe said with shy grin.
"What!? Oh great.... not only do I still have to tell Apple Bloom's family we're dating, my best friend thinks he's Philip Marlowe or Sam Spade. What else did you do Raymond Chandler? Use a pencil to reveal the impression on the notepad? Huh, Dashiell Hammett?" He said sarcastically.
"No..... but Scootaloo and the guys on the team know..." Joe said sheepishly.
"WHAT!? OH FUCK ME SIDEWAYS, FORWARDS, BACKWARDS, AND 3 DIMENSIONALLY!" He said in exasperation.
"It's okay dude, they're not going to saying...... I made sure of that..." He said cryptically.
"You better be sure....." Paul replied just as equally cryptic.
They continued to drive down the road to Sweet Apple Acres for a few minutes before Paul spoke up. "Guess I'll put on some music." He said putting his phone on Random. A second later the stereo started playing...
Good time for a change
See, the luck I've had
Can make a good man
Turn bad
So please please please
Let me, let me, let me
Let me get what I want
This time
Haven't had a dream in a long time
See, the life I've had
Can make a good man bad
So for once in my life
Let me get what I want
Lord knows, it would be the first time
Lord knows, it would be the first time
Joe looked over at Paul for second and he thought he saw a couple tears run down his face behind his sunglasses. "Hey man.....You okay?"
"Yeah...." Paul said quickly as he wiped them away. "Yeah, my eyes are just irritated....Probably a fuckin' eyelash or something..."
"You sure?" Joe asked.
"Yeah...I'm okay." Paul said as regained his composure.
The song ended just as the truck pulled up in front of the Apple House. Paul turned off the engine and took a deep breath and said "SHOWTIME!" with a smile on his face before getting out of the truck with Joe. Applejack came out of the house along with Big Mac and Apple Bloom in tow.
"Howdy Y'all! It's good tah see yah! Ain't it Big Mac?" Applejack said with a happy tone.
"Eeyup" he replied in usual tone.
Paul thought of something quick to maintain his facade of normality.
"Celestia should appoint you as her personal Spokes-stallion, Mac." Paul chuckled as he took a drag and exhaled. He always liked poking fun at the laconic stallion because he knew he could take it. "I can see it now, you at a royal press Conference: 'Is there any credence to rumor that Celestia routinely pigs out on cake?' Nnnope. 'Is there a state of peace between Equestria and the Gryphon Nation?' Eeyup. 'Can you recount what has happened in these past few days?' A lot. 'HE SAID SOMETHING BESIDES YES OR NO!' Then they all run for the telephone booths." He said finishing off by mimicking the action of running.
"Paul! Don't tease him!" Applejack scolded before she saw Apple Bloom giggling heavily. "Apple Bloom! Don't laugh at yahr brother!"
"Awwwww.... come ahn AJ! Yah know it's funny! Look! Ah think even Big Mac's crackin' a grin!" she said pointing to her brother.
Applejack looked to see that she was indeed correct. Big Macintosh was standing with a small grin on his face. "Ah don't mind AJ, kid's actually pretty funny."
"HEY EVERYBODY BIG MAC SAID MORE THAN JUST YES OR NO!!!" Paul yelled at the top of his lungs.
All of a sudden Pinkie Pie popped out from the hood of the truck and said, "Goodie Goodie! Another Tally Mark!" and wrote down something on a notepad as Paul whipped around to see her before she disappeared back into the truck's engine compartment. Paul opened the hood but no trace of Pinkie was to be found.
"That girl is like a teleporting Daffy Duck....." He muttered, regarding Pinkie's mysterious appearance and disappearance before shutting the hood.
Apple Bloom was just plain laughing out loud at this point. Big Mac had joined in with his low rumble of a laugh. Even Applejack managed a chuckle. "Alright, Ah'll admit it was pretty funny." before clearing her throat. "Alright y'all it's time tah get applebuckin'. Paul put out that cigarette and let's get goin."
"Sure thing AJ." He replied, putting out the cigarette in the truck's ashtray before grabbing a couple pieces of spearmint gum to freshen his breath. "Well, let's get to it." He said, following the group out into the orchard......
* * *
"Taste my size 12 and half shoe punk!" Paul said as gave the tree a large kick sending a large number apples falling into the strategically placed baskets around the tree. "Yeah...... That's how I roll!" he said with a dramatic flourish before repeating with another nearby tree.
Applejack gave her tree a kick before saying, "Okay I gotta ask Paul, why does your shirt say 'Hang the DJ'?"
"Huh?.....Oh...It has do with something that happened about 27 years before I came here." Paul replied as he continued his work. "This big disaster with this Nuclear Power Plant in a country called Russia spread a lot of radioactive material...basically really nasty stuff... over this continent in my world called Europe. Anyway, In Great Britain.... Another country.... this lead singer of this band called ‘The Smiths’ heard about it on the radio and all of a sudden the DJ started playing this really poppy song by Wham! and the guy was like 'What the fuck does this got to do with people's lives?' and wrote a song about it called 'Panic'. 'Hang the DJ' was the refrain to the song. The lyrics are actually on the back of the shirt...see?" He replied showing his shirt. "Here I got on my phone here..." He told her as he selected and played the song out loud for Applejack.
Panic on the streets of London
Panic on the streets of Birmingham
I wonder to myself could life ever be sane again?
The Leeds side-streets that you slip down
I wonder to myself
Hopes may rise on the Grasmere
But Honey Pie, you're not safe here
So you run down to the safety of the town
But there's Panic on the streets of Carlisle
Dublin, Dundee, Humberside,
I wonder to myself
Burn down the disco, hang the blessed DJ
Because the music that they constantly play
It says nothing to me about my life
Hang the blessed DJ
Because the music they constantly play
On the Leeds side-streets that you slip down
Provincial towns you jog 'round
Hang the DJ
Hang the DJ
Hang the DJ
.......
"Huh....interestin' song...." Applejack replied before shifting her attention to Apple Bloom who was managing to keep pace with rest of the group.
"So Apple Bloom, how have things been goin' with that colt yah have yer eye on?" She asked giving her sister a playful nudge.
"Oh, it's goin' great! The first day I told yah about him, he saved me from gettin' beat up by Diamond Tiara, then he walked me tah class, and ah got assigned to an English project with him and he gave me his number in case ah ever had trouble!" She said happily while throwing a glance at Paul.
"Well alright! That must have been one heck of a day! He sounds like a nice young colt." Applejack replied.
"Oh he is!" Apple Bloom said throwing an unconscious glance at Paul, "He acts like he's this big aloof tough stallion loner. He acts like he's a punk, but he's actually really nice. I think he just acts that way because he's shy and afraid of being rejected. But he is really nice Applejack, he's been a perfect gentlecolt, he never says anything that's impolite to me and he always helps me out."
"But that's not all that's happened!" She continued excitedly. "He's been walking me to class for the last coupla weeks and coupla days ago he took me out for coffee at Sugarcube Corner!"
"What happened next?" Applejack replied as Big Mac and Joe paused their routines in order to listen.
"Well....ah asked him out.....AND HE SAID YES!" She said hugging Applejack.
"Well alright Sugarcube! Ah'm glad tah see that yer movin' on from yahr last coltfriend. Ain't we Big Mac?"
"Eeyup....." He replied casually before pausing, "Well, ah think it's time we meet him.....Ah'd say over supper tomorrow." Big Mac stated.
"You already have..." Paul muttered under his breath.
"What was that Paul?" Applejack asked.
'Oh shit! Quick you idiot! Redirect the conversation!'
"I said 'OOH! Twice in one day!'' Paul replied quickly.
All of a sudden, Pinkie Pie's head shot out from underneath Applejack's hat. "OOH! That's new record!" She squealed as she wrote down something on her notepad before retreating underneath the hat. Applejack immediately took it off but Pinkie had somehow vanished. Applejack gave a confused shrug before replacing the hat on her head.
"Somewhere....... there's a physicist crying his eyes out...." Paul said with a confused smile. "How does her very existence not drive Twilight Sparkle to drink?"
"Sure thing, brother! Ah'll make sure and tell him." Apple Bloom said in order to get the conversation back on track.
"Hey is that Fluttershy and Soarin' waiting at the front door?" Paul said pointing towards the Apple homestead.
"Well shoot it looks like it....We'll call it a day boys......Ah have.... something Ah need... tah talk about...." She said before hurrying to the house.
"Ah....... what she said." Big Mac replied hurrying towards the house.
"Huh? What's the big emergency?" Paul said as the three watched Big Mac and Applejack run for the house.
"Who knows?" Joe said stretching his arms after a long day of Apple bucking.
"Well, Angel Face it sounded like you were you putting me on pedestal." Paul said with a smirk. Apple Bloom immediately turned red.
"Don't worry about Joe, he already knew."he said knowingly.
"How?" she asked.
"Remember the guy in the hallway that day with the newspaper?" Paul said.
"Yeah?"
"Bingo. Actually I can’t believe I missed him. Only one guy in the entire school is that big… and at the same time, just as dense." Paul said with a sly grin. Joe gave him a half assed frown. "Seriously man, that trick is older than my grandma."
Apple Bloom paused for a moment, "Were yah spying on us Joe?" She asked in an inquisitive tone of voice.
"Spying is such an ugly word....I would think I merely observed you." Joe said in a joking voice.
"Yeah and so did the entire football team, numb nuts." Paul snarked.
"WHAT!?" Apple Bloom gasped, turning as red as the apples they were picking.
"Scootaloo knows to!?" She gasped in a panicked voice.
"It's okay darlin'. We'll tell them tomorrow at dinner." Paul cooed her in a soothing voice.
"Alright...." she replied unsurely.
"Well Joe I feel like having a couple beers. You in?" Paul asked
"I don't know man...." Joe said.
"Don't worry, we're not going to get fucked up, we're just going to nurse a beer or two." he said dismissively
"How am I going to get one then?" Joe asked.
"I'll buy it for you. It's alright, the bartender owes me a favor." Paul said. "Aw shit, do you guys have a first aid kit? I nicked my hand."
"Yeah, Big Mac and Applejack know where it is." Apple Bloom replied.
"Okay, I'll go ask them then..." He said before walking towards the house.
* * *
"Hello!?" Paul said as he stepped inside the house. He scanned the area but couldn’t see Applejack or Big Mac. He walked over to kitchen to look.
Fluttershy shrieked while the two covered themselves. "Okay....I was going to ask you something but.....Never mind I'll just go ask Applejack." He said quickly before shutting the door.
"Okay, that was possibly traumatizing..." He muttered before walking over to Applejacks door and opening it. "Hey Applejack, where's the..... Are you fucking.... kidding me?....." This time he walked in on Applejack in her own compromising position with Soarin'.... this time on top. She shrieked before the two covered their collective shame. "Just my luck… I walk in on two different ponies going at it within the span of 20 seconds....Fuck it, I don't care anymore. Do you know where the first aid kit is?"
"It's.....downstairs in the kitchen... the cabinet above the refrigerator." She replied blushing profusely.
"Okay...Hey man how you doing?' He asked Soarin.
"I'm okay......you?" he nervously replied.
"I'm good..... I do have to admit though keeping the cowboy hat on was kind of a sexy touch...."
"That's what I said!" Soarin replied as Applejack continued to blush.
"Okay, I'm going to take care of my hand and then I'm going to the bar. I already walked in on Big Mac and Fluttershy and then you guys, I don't need anymore... Jesus.... the image of those two going at it...... like a bratwurst through a cheerio.... Okay you don't need to know that.... and neither do I....." He said apprehensively.
"Okay, I'm out of here....Later Applejack, Soarin'."
"Bye Paul..." Applejack stammered with heavy embarrassment in her voice.
"Later dude!" Soarin' said.
Paul shut the door and said in the direction of Big Mac's room. "Later Mac!...... oh, Nice to see you again Fluttershy." Evoking a short "EEP!" from within the room.
Snickering, he walked down to the kitchen to get the first aid kit....
* * *
Apple Bloom and Joe were waiting outside the house when Paul came out. "What was goin' on in there? I heard yelling." She asked.
"Oh nothing much, just went to ask them where the first aid kit was and ended up walking in on your brother and Fluttershy going at it like rabbits and then 10 seconds later I ended up doing the same thing with your sister and Soarin' going at it." He replied as if this was completely routine.
"WHAT!?" Apple Bloom gasped with a look of shock on her face.
Joe just started laughing his head off at the incident. "Laugh up buddy boy... Laugh it up."
"That's rich! Only you would end up walking in on two different pairs of ponies doing it in the same day!" Joe said laughing.
"Har de fuckin har. Come on let's go to the bar..." He said as he and Joe walked towards his truck.
After managing to shake off the shock Apple Bloom said to Paul, "So you'll be here at dinner time tomorrow right?"
"Sure thing...as long as your siblings can keep it in their pants..." He said with wink causing her to blush again.
"Later Angel Face! See ya tomorrow!" Paul said as he and Joe got into the truck and drove away.
As they drove down the dirt path, Joe continued to snicker and laugh. Paul looked over at him and pointed a finger and said, "You ever.... tell anybody about this and I will kill you..." causing Joe to laugh harder. "Ughhhhh...." Paul groaned as he pulled onto the main road and drove to Ponyville.......
Author's Note
The T-Shirt in question:
I didn't choose that first song at random....I chose it specifically because it really describes how Paul's feeling right now. That and it's a beautiful song...
I Once Was Lost, But Now Am Found
The truck pulled to a stop in front of the bar underneath the soft glow of the large neon sign that read 'Lefty's'. "Finally...." Paul muttered as he set the parking break and turned off the truck. "I've been needing a cold one all day."
"Listen man, I'm not sure if I should drink..." Joe started to say before he was cut off.
"Man....we're just going have a couple beers...we're not going on a bender....if we were, don't you think I would have someone on call for a ride?"
"Yeah, but Coach..." Joe began to say.
"No disrespect to your coach, but fuck what he says. A beer or two won't kill you. Live a little why don't you?" Paul said as he got out of the truck.
Joe took a deep sigh before following Paul into the bar...
* * *
As the two stepped into the bar, Paul took a moment to look around.
There were a good number of patrons in the bar that night. A number of the regulars were there including: Berry Punch along with Lyra Heartstrings and Bon Bon. Ditzy "Derpy Hooves" Doo was sitting at the bar with Doctor Whooves along with Cheerlie, Thunderlane, and Caramel.
"Quite the crowd tonight huh?" Paul whispered under his breath as he and Joe made their way through the crowd.
"Yeah....I didn't think so many ponies would be here tonight. Must have been a long week." Joe remarked.
Finally reaching the bar, they sat down as the bartender came over.
"Hey what can I....Joe? Paul? What's up guy's?" Tamer asked.
"Tamer?.....You still work here? I thought you would have gotten shit canned after that bar fight with the guys." Joe asked incredulously.
"You would have thought that but Paul here managed to convince the owner to let me stay on. Even got me promoted to full bartender!" Tamer remarked proudly.
"How'd you pull that off?" Joe asked.
"I'll tell ya in a minute. Tamer, could you get us a couple of beers?" Paul asked the bartender.
"Sure, keep it on the down low though would you?" Tamer said as he placed a mug of ale each in front of the two.
"Wilco.....Anyone asks, I bought all the beers we'll have tonight." Paul said as he pulled out his chain wallet and placed some bits on the counter top.
"Alrighty....Let me know if you guys need anything else." Tamer said before walking to another end of the bar.
The two each picked up their mug of ale before clinking them together. "Cheers." Paul said.
"Ditto." Joe replied before Paul knocked back a gulp of his beer. Joe slowly brought the bottle to his lips and took a smidge. He made a face that said he didn't quite know what to think.
"See? What I tell ya? Feels good don't it?" Paul said, slapping Joe on his back before taking another sip of beer.
"Yeah, I guess so...Tastes a little funny though." Joe said taking another sip.
"You'll get used to it. Beer can be a bit of an acquired taste. Hard liquor like Tequila or Vodka is just plain rough but as long as you have a shitload of limes, you're good. Did six tequila shots in a row with a bunch of limes." Paul said as he took another sip.
"Why'd Tamer say keep it on the down low?" Joe asked.
"Because he didn't want you getting in trouble with your Coach. Just because you're 18 now doesn't mean he wants you drinking while you're on the team."
"Good Point........ So what exactly happened when you walked in on Fluttershy and Big Mac?" Joe asked
"Man.... I gotta tell you..... there are some things that just boggle the mind with how they manage to work. There were things that man was not meant to see....... All I can say is it was like a bratwurst through a Cheerio...." Paul said as he took a very large drink from his mug.
"Well......That's a horrifying image." Joe said taking an equally large drink.
"At least you didn't actually see it...... What has been seen cannot be unseen..." Paul said before shuddering.
"And then you walked in on Applejack and Soarin'?" Joe asked.
"Yeah... at that point I didn't give a shit anymore because I had just seen the worst already. So I just asked her where the first aid kit was and talked with Soarin' for a short bit."
"You walk in on them and start a conversation with Soarin' while he's naked under the covers?" Joe asked before taking another drink.
"Yep....All can say is that I feel very insignificant right now......" he said crossing his legs.
"Dude....they're ponies. They do have home field advantage on that...Besides...You and I aren't exactly lacking in that department either." Joe said finishing off his beer.
"Yeah I guess..." He said drinking the rest of his beer.
"Hey TAMER!" Paul called out.
"Yeah?" Tamer said as walked over from chatting up a lovely mare.
"Two more dude!" Paul said placing some money on the counter top.
"Copy that!" Tamer said, retrieving their mugs, refilling them, and placing them on the counter again.
"Thanks man!" Paul said as Tamer went back to chat up the mare.
"How'd you manage getting Tamer to keep his job anyway?" Joe asked as he took a sip.
"Well, let me answer your question with a question. How do you think I paid for my truck, house, ammunition, and my helicopter?"
"I thought it was working for the Apple fam..wait you have a helicopter?" Joe said.
"Yeah...I never told you that?....Yeah Flim and Flam built me a Huey. Grandfather took me flying a lot when I was kid. Taught me how to fly and even let me have the controls a couple times. You just need to know what you’re doing and it becomes second nature."
"Huh...." Joe muttered, taking a sip from his beer then making a sour face.
"Anyway... yeah, in addition to working for the Apple Family, I work as a fixer. I solve problems that have ponies have." He noticed he was getting a worried look from Joe after that last sentence. "Not like that......ponies have problems, I solve them. Case in point: Tamer. I managed to...... persuade the bar owner to not fire Tamer and in fact give a promotion to full bartender."
"Wow...." Joe said in a surprised tone as he took another drink.
"Plus, I also do some jobs for Flim and Flam directly. I fix problems for them as well, amongst other things." Paul said taking a large drink.
"What consists of 'amongst other things'?" Joe inquired.
"Well I can't say too much... Confidential you know... but there was this one job." Paul said pausing to drink.
"Yeah?" Joe asked with a spike of interest.
"There was this one job that took me all the way to Los Pegasus. What happened was there was scientist driving this carriage around the city with precious cargo in the trunk that he had stolen from the Los Palamos National Laboratory in New Mexicolt." He said before taking another drink.
"Go on..." Joe said, now extremely interested.
"Anyway, long story short... I had to compete with this mare that was assigned to retrieve it by Celestia herself along with these local guys who got in the mix. I came out on top though... Got the carriage and took it to Flim and Flam. That job netted me about 20,000 bits." He said topping his sentence off with a drink.
"Cool! What was in the trunk anyway?" Joe asked before taking another drink.
"Can't tell you, Confidential. I will tell you this though... whatever weird shit was in that trunk...It was glowing..... and that's all I got to say about that." He replie, finishing with another drink.
"Cool story..." Joe said before pausing. "Hey Paul.... why were you crying in the truck on the way to Sweet Apple Acres?"
Paul sighed deeply before taking a large gulp. "Because.....I'm scared man....This thing with Apple Bloom is probably the first thing that's made me truly happy since I was stranded here. I'm scared I'm going to fuck it up..... That and 'Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want' by The Smiths was playing and that's automatic tearjerker because it described how I'm feeling to a T." he said chuckling for a moment before finishing his beer.
"Don't worry man..." Joe said, patting Paul on the back. "You're a good guy, you treat her right and she really likes you, probably even loves you. You'll be fine."
"You… think so?" Paul asked encouragingly
"I do... excuse me for a moment, I need to use the bathroom." Joe said before finishing his beer and walking off to the bathroom.
Paul sat there for a minute before Tamer came back over. "Can I get you anything else Paul?"
"Nah, that'll be all for tonight Tamer." he said
"Quitting early eh? Thou hast lost an eighth!" Tamer laughed jokingly.
"Nah, I'm still the same loveable hard drinking, hard smoking son of a bitch. I just have dinner with my fillyfriend and her family tomorrow." Paul replied, chuckling at Tamer's joke.
"Alright! Who's the lucky filly?" Tamer replied happily
"Apple Bloom. Going to be going over there so we can tell her family we're dating." Paul replied.
"Oof...I don't envy your chances but you have my sympathies....but the Farmer's Daughter....ooohh...that's quite a prize." Tamer stated.
"Yeah, I know it's going to be one hell of an awkward dinner, but she's worth it man."
"I wish you luck.... by the way, is Joe done as well?" Tamer asked.
"Yeah we're both good." Paul said as Tamer picked up the mugs and began whipping them out.
Joe came out of the bathroom just as Tamer picked up the mugs. "Ready to go Joe?... Huh...Poet and I didn't even know it." Paul chuckled to himself.
"Yeah...Let's roll." Joe said when all of a sudden a loud voice that cut through the bar...
"HEY DICKHEAD!!" The voice yelled to Joe as Tamer killed the music for dramatic effect. "You've got a lot nerve showing up here after last time!" As the stallion the voice belonged to began walking towards Joe.
"Somebody you know?" Paul said in a smart-alec voice.
"Yeah...He's the guy who's clock I cleaned after he wouldn't leave Pipsqueak alone the time of that bar fight… the one that trashed the bar." Joe said in a stern voice to size up the stallion.
"Well you're one whose clock is gonna get cleaned this time punk!" The stallion sneered as he moved towards Joe. All of a sudden Paul stuck his foot out and tripped the stallion.
A large collective gasp rang out through the bar as the stallion rose to his feet and sized up Paul. 'Wow...he's almost as big as Joe.' Paul thought as he looked over the stallions shoulder.
"All right Punk... now I'm gonna…" The stallion began to say before he was interrupted.
"Woah, Woah, dude...what's that? Paul said in a cheery tone as pointed over the stallions shoulder.
The stallion looked over shoulder for a moment before looking back a Paul just in time to see his fist land squarely in his face knocking him over onto the table occupied by Thunderlane and Caramel.
"It is amazing how often that trick actually works…" Paul muttered with grin before a hoof connected with his face, busting his lip. He looked over to see one the stallion’s friends standing there with an evil grin. "I'm… I'm sorry. Did you just punch me or did I get bit by a mosquito?" Paul laughed before the stallion punched him again giving him a black eye. "Hey Joe, if you happen to see that guy's friend, can you tell him his grandmother's trying to work me over?"
"Sure..." Joe chuckled as he grabbed the stallion and kneed him in the gut. The stallion let out a wheeze of air as the wind was knocked out of him. Joe swung his elbow down and crashed a powerful blow to the back of the stallion’s head that knocked him clean out.
Paul raised an eyebrow. “Damn… his grandkids are gonna feel that… you know that right?” Paul asked and Joe just chuckled.
The first stallion began to get up before Thunderlane and Caramel punched him out at the same time. "That's for ruining our beer, you jackass!" Thunderlane said with a smirk.
"Tell him Thunderlane!" Caramel remarked.
"Would you stop saying th..." Thunderlane began to say before he was knocked backwards by a punch from one of the stallion’s friends.
Tamer sighed deeply. "Here we go again... And on that note we the cue the music." He chuckled as he turned the radio back on to the classic Rock station before once again leaping over the counter to join the fray. The music began to rumble in the bar and could be head over the yelling and roaring of fighting stallions, and two men.
Are you ready Steve? Uh-huh
Andy? Yeah
Mick? Okay
Alright fellas - let's go!
The entire bar had turned into free-for-all melee.
Doctor Whooves was managing to hold off a stallion that was going after Ditzy. He slammed several punched into the stallion’s face. The stallion shook his head to shake off the daze then plowed Doctor Whooves with a single punch that crashed him through some tables.
Caramel was getting into it with the stallion that had knocked out Thunderlane while all the other ponies were fighting each other.
Paul had picked up a chair and was taking on a large group of stallions. He swung the chair in a sweeping motion, connecting with four of the stallions and knocking them to the floor. "Just call me ‘Chairman of the Board’, Motherfucker! Woo! Woo!"
Joe was holding his own when all of a sudden a large voice cut through and said "REMATCH!" Joe spun around to see Snowflake coming at him before Paul yelled "HEY! ROID RAGE!!"
Snowflake spun around to see Paul standing withe battered chair. He raised it above his head and laughed, "Time to sit in the time out chair!" before hurling the chair at Snowflakes head. The Oak chair shattered over his head and Snowflake turned to Joe wearing a "See You Next Wednesday" look on his face before slowly falling backwads and collapsing in a heap.
"What the hell man? I had a knockdown, drag out brawl with him for 5 minutes and you drop him in 10 seconds!?" Joe asked incredulously.
"You should have used a chair.... You mustn't be afraid to think a little bigger darling." He said in a British accent before returning to the fray as the music hit the chorus:
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah-Yeah-Yeah
And the man in the back said everyone attack
And it turned into a ballroom blitz
And the girl in the corner said boy I want to warn you
It'll turn into a ballroom blitz
Ballroom blitz, ballroom blitz, ballroom blitz, ballroom blitz
Joe looked over to see Whooves still going at it with the one stallion but he was losing ground quickly. Joe quickly rushed over and grabbed the stallion by the back of the neck.
The stallion gasped as he was flung over the bar counter. All of a sudden two more stallions charged at them with pool cues. Joe was about to step back before another stallion snapped a pool cue across the back of his head.
“OW… FUCK!” Joe yelled, giving a slight delay in his swear. The two stallions in front of Joe gulped as he grabbed the third stallion and tossed him into the other two.
Meanwhile, Paul had been thrown onto the counter top and was being held by one stallion while another held a broken bottle menacingly close to his throat. He looked over the bar to see Derpy huddling and shaking in the bartender's area.
He looked over to her and whispered, "Hey...Derpy." The cross-eyed mare looked up at him. Paul motioned to the drink rack and whispered, "Whiskey..." Derpy nodded quickly and retrieved a bottle whiskey before sneaking it into Paul's hand. "Thanks Honey Muffin." He said with a wink before swinging the bottle backwards and breaking over the head of the stallion holding him.
The stallion collapsed and the second stallion stood back in shock with a look of horror on his face as Paul shook himself off and pointed menacingly at the stallion before advancing on him. Paul brought his left thumb across his throat in a slit throat threat that made the stallion gulp.
The stallion attempted to flee but Paul grabbed him by his shirt collar. "Where you think you're going, shit kicker?" He asked before giving him a powerful toss. The stallion tumbled down the countertop, into all the bottles and mugs still on the counter before he landed in a bloody unceremonious heap at the other end.
"HEY PAUL, LITTLE HELP OVER HERE!!" Joe yelled as Paul spun around to see Joe clocked by a stallion with a haymaker punch. Joe returned the swing and knocked the stallion over a table but 2 more took stallions took his place. Paul ran into Tamer on the way over who had just finished his own fight.
"HEY TAMER! You got something like a Bat or a baton?" Paul asked hurriedly.
"Yeah, there's a bat under the counter!" Tamer yelled.
"Thanks! Hey! Don't worry about this! I'll straighten it out with the owner!" Paul assured him before running to the bartender's area. Looking under the counter, he saw that, true to Tamer's word, there was a baseball bat. He quickly grabbed the bat before running over to where Joe and Whooves were trying to protect Ditzy.
Paul ran up behind one of the stallions and swung the bat as hard as he could against the stallions skull. The stallion fell to the ground screaming in pain as the other two looked away from Whooves and Joe, allowing them to sucker punch them into unconsciousness.
"Alright! Whooves get Ditzy and get out of here! We'll cover your retreat!"
"Righto! Come on Derpy! Alonns-y!" Whooves announced as he grabbed Derpy and made his way out of the bar with Paul and Joe keeping any oncoming fighters off their back.
"Alright! Now let's get..."
"AARRRRRRG!!!!" Snowflake screamed as he got up and charged the two teenagers.
"SHHHHHHIIIIIIITTTTT!!!!!!" Paul and Joe screamed as They were tackled through the front window.
Paul slowly rose to his feet and noticed part of his jacket was shredded. "You....SON OF A BITCH!! AHHHH!!!" Paul screamed as he tried to tackle Snowflake into the ground. Paul felt like he had just hit a brick wall. “WHAT THE… FUCK!” Paul yelled as he slammed a punch into the stallion’s hulking chest. It to felt like he had punched a brick wall.
Snowflake gave a simple flick of his wrist, which to Paul felt like a hammer to the head. “Fuck… who is he? Mike Tyson… he better not bite off my ear…” Paul regained his anger over his tattered jacket. Just as Paul swiveled around, he saw Joe tackle Snowflake.
“That fucker makes it look easy!” Paul hissed, his anger still flowing freely. The two hulking battering rams went head to head, completely ignoring Paul and giving him just the advantage he needed.
He rushed over to him and kicked his knee sideways. The stallion was hard kept to keep his balance for the only second before Paul began pummeling him with a vicious fury. "YOU FUCKING ROID JUICING BASTARD!!! THIS WAS MY FATHER'S JACKET!! IT'S ONE OF THE LAST THINGS I HAVE FROM HIM, YOU! GOD! DAMN! MOTHER! FUCKING! SON! OF! A! BITCH!" He screamed punctuating each word with a freight train punch.
Joe gasped in shock as he realized that Paul probably intended to beat Snowflake to death.
"PAUL!!" Joe yelled as he reached out to Paul, who was still punching the now black and blue face of Snowflake. "PAUL STOP IT!! YOU'LL KILL HIM!" Joe yelled as he pulled Paul off of the shaking stallion.
Joe looked at his bloodied eyes and saw a look of true terror in the hulking stallion’s bruised and battered face. Joe turned Paul around as he attempted to get free and continue to pummel Snowflake and shook him violently. "SNAP OUT IT MAN! GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF!" He roared as Paul continued to thrash.
“LAST FUCKING CHANCE PAUL…” Joe warned. Paul continued to thrash towards the now painfully withering Snowflake. Joe held Paul back with one hand and remorsefully knocked out Paul with a single punch. “Sorry buddy… shit!” Joe muttered as he heard the sound of incoming sirens.
He looked over to Snowflake who was whimpering as he tried to stand. “Uhm… see you next week… he-he.” Joe chuckled with a heavy tone of uncertainty in his voice as he flopped the unconscious Paul, over his shoulder. Snowflake shook painfully as Joe gently placed one of his forelegs over his shoulder then brought the duo over to Paul’s truck.
* * *
"J...Joe? What happened? I feel like I blacked out for a moment and OH GOD why do my knuckles look and feel like they've punched a brick wall!? And why does my face feel like… fuck." He groaned as he rubbed his aching jaw. He then gently rubbed his bruised and bloodied knuckles.
"You're not far off Paul." Joe said as he pointed to the bloodied Snowflake.
"What?....oh Jesus Christ! I'm so fucking sorry man! I..." he said as he moved to pick up the hulking stallion but Snowflake whimpered away.
He turned back to Joe with a remorseful look on his face, "I.... I..... I didn't mean to....."
"Never mind him, he'll be okay. We should get the hell out of Dodge." Joe replied. Snowflake began to stagger away in pain, not wanting to be near Paul in case he flipped again. As if to support Joe’s point the wail of police sirens drew ever closer.
"IT'S COPS MAN! BAIL! GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!" Paul yelled as he and Joe jumped in the truck and blew the horn to emphasize his point. At this, all the ponies inside began to scatter and flee as the police carriages rolled up to the bar. Paul turned the key but the engine merely spun its wheels.
"START THE FUCKING TRUCK MAN! THE COPS ARE COMING!" Joe yelled.
"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK I'M DOING!? JERKING OFF!? MAYBE MY FUCKING TRUCK DECIDED IT HATES ME!" Paul yelled back as he continued to try and turn over the engine.
"Come on baby. Please turn over for me." He prayed as he kept turning the key.
"HURRY UP! THE COPS ARE ALMOST HERE!" Joe yelled.
"I KNOW THAT! YOU THINK I'M FUCKING DEAF!?" Paul yelled as he continued to fiddle with the key and press the gas pedal.
"Please. Please! Come On!" He pleaded. "AAAHHHH!!" He yelled before slamming his head into the horn. *BEEP!* Suddenly the engine inexplicably roared to life and the radio turned on . Paul and Joe looked at each other in bewilderment as Paul let out a small gasp "I swear to fucking Christ my Stereo has a mind of its own." Before stepping on the gas pedal and pealing out away from bar. Unfortunately a number of the squad carriages did not stop at the bar and commenced chasing the truck.
"I KNOW THE COPS ARE ON OUR TAIL! THANKS FOR THE HEADS UP CAPTAIN FUCKING OBVIOUS!" Paul yelled back as he pressed the accelerator to floor and shifted into 4th gear.
The truck tore down the street as bystanders dove out of the way. "Jesus Paul! This isn't fucking Carmageddon!" Joe yelled.
"I know that! You really think I'm not trying to avoid hitting these guys!?" He yelled before swinging a left onto Everfree Street and tearing it up at 65 MPH. "Shit! They're still managing to keep up with us!" He yelled as swerved around a carriage in the street.
"Go faster! We got to lose the heat!" Joe yelled as he looked out the back window.
"I can't go any faster. There isn't enough road! We need to get Mane Street, it's the longest road in town! We can lose them there!" Paul yelled as he downshifted and swung a right onto Magic Avenue.
"Let's see if can shake 'em off." Paul said as he turned the truck to the left and drove on the empty sidewalk. The police carriages kept their pace with the truck on the road. "GET YOUR HEAD DOWN!" Paul yelled to Joe as he swung the truck to the right and used the PIT maneuver against one of the carriages, sending it spinning into a parked carriage.
"One down...." Paul said as he swung the truck to left and into an alley with one of the squad carriages following while the rest continued down the street to try and cut them off. Paul maneuvered the truck through the alley, avoiding garbage cans and dumpster bins before slamming on the brakes. Paul threw the truck into reverse and slammed into the police carriage, disabling it before speeding off out of the alley. "Good thing I got those magic reinforced bumpers..." He chuckled as he slapped the truck back into gear and sped out of the alleyway.
The truck roared onto 7th street. As they did they saw the police carriages that had moved to cut them off turn left onto 7th and were heading in their direction. "LATER ASSHOLES!" Paul yelled out the window as the passed the carriages. The cops, realizing their mistake, swung the carriages around and continued to give chase.
"Are we almost to Mane Street yet!?" Joe yelled while watching the cops.
"Almost! Just a couple more intersections! I need you to watch the right! I'll watch the left!" He ordered as he came up on an intersection.
"Clear!" Joe informed Paul.
"Clear!" Paul replied as they sped through the intersection and came up on the next one.
"Clear!" Joe informed.
"Clear!" Paul replied.
"Alright, Mane Street is going to be the next right! When we turn I want you to hold onto your hat cowboy!" Paul yelled.
10 seconds later they swung a right on to Mane Street with the cops nipping at their heels.
"To quote a phrase: 'Let's see if you bastards can do 90!'" Paul said as he shifted into 5th and pressed the accelerator right against the floor. The trucks powerful V6 roared with all its fury as it sped down the street. The speedometer slowly began increasing: "65, 75, 85, 95, 105, 115, 125 MPH."
"Holy Shit! This thing's managing to keep pace with my Shelby Cobra!" Joe said as the town quickly sped by.
"You should ask Flim and Flam to put in some upgrades, give it that extra boost." Paul remarked as the cops began to become smaller and smaller before they disappeared over the horizon.
Paul swung the truck to the right onto Luna Parkway and backed into an alley to hide from the cops. "Finally....We lost 'em."
*Music Ends*
"Holy Shit… that was… AWESOME!" Joe said with an excited smile.
"Thanks....heh..You look like shit Joe..." Paul said as he lit a cigarette and took a drag.
Joe looked in the mirror to see the blood from the glass and bruises leaking down his face. "Heh. You're one to talk hamburger meat." Joe remarked as he showed the rear view mirror to Paul. Paul looked in the mirror at his scratched, bloodied, and bruised face.
"Shit, we gotta to get this truck off the road and out of sight. You wouldn't happen to have anybody who could give medical care without reporting us to the cops and that would be able to hide a vehicle would you?" Paul said.
"As a matter of fact I do....." Joe said with a bloodied smile.
* * *
A knock came at the door as Twilight Sparkle rustled in her bed. "Hmpph…Go away..." The knock continued incessantly until Twilight finally got up. "Who could that be at this hour?" She scowled, walking through the hallway upstairs.
"Twilight? What's going on?" Spike asked as he stepped out of his room in nightcap and gown with yawn.
"I don't know, but I'm about to find out." She replied as she descended the staircase and walked over to the front door.
"Hello... OH MY CELESTIA!!! JOE! PAUL! WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU!?" She screamed as she looked at the two bloodied forms standing in her doorway, one of them grinning with a cigarette in his mouth.
"Oh… we went to the bar and Joe ran into one of his old friends. So we decided to have a frank philosophical discussion that everyone inside decided to get in on." Paul informed her as if he didn't look like he was dipped in blood.
"We got in a bar fight with the guy from last time and some his friends…" Joe translated with a smirk.
"TWILIGHT! What's going on, I heard..." Spike gasped as he looked at Paul and Joe. "Oh...I'll get the medical supplies and healing potions...." He said as he walked off.
"Love that kid. Reminds me of me" Paul said with a chuckle before Twilight pulled the two inside.....
I Once Was Lost, But Now Am Found
Paul was walking along the Ponyville streets late that night. He often found it was a good way to think and reflect on things. All of a sudden he heard commotion coming up the street at Lefty's. That place was great but had a problem with fights lately. He rushed up the street to the bar where he saw two people and a pony on the ground. Running over he saw one of the figures laying over the pony and viciously pummeling him. All of a sudden he heard one of them yell to the other.
"PAUL!!" The figure yelled as he ran towards the other person attacking the pony on the ground. It hit Paul that the two figures were none other than Joe and himself. He was seeing the events of the bar fight play out again.
"PAUL STOP IT!! YOU'LL KILL HIM!" Joe yelled as he pulled Paul off of the shaking Stallion. All of a sudden the other Paul grabbed Joe and threw him into the truck. He then grabbed a shard of the broken glass and raised it high above Snowflake's chest, savoring the look of utter terror in his eyes before plunging the shard deep into Snowflake's heart as he died, eyes wide open and starring into the sky blankly.
Paul stopped and watched the spectacle in horror. He hadn't killed Snowflake that night. He'd just run off with the living daylights scared out of him. Paul then realized that this wasn't a simple recall....This was a nightmare...
"PAUL!!! OH MY GOD YOU KILLED HIM!! YOU KILLED HIM!!" Joe yelled as he scrambled to his feet. All of a sudden Paul rose and yanked the bloody shard of glass out of Snowflakes chest and sprinted at Joe. Before Joe could react the other Paul had grabbed him and sunk the shard deep into Joe's chest as he looked in a combination of utter shock and betrayal at the other Paul as Joe's life quickly began to leave his body.
"W...why?" Joe said as he quickly bled out.
"What can I say?" The Other Paul said in a snide tone while giving the dying Joe a horrifying Kubrick Stare, "I'm a scary guy....." He said before he dropped the now lifeless Joe onto the pavement. Joe's dead eyes looked directly at Paul in a condemning stare before the other Paul looked up from Joe directly at Paul who took a few steps back. "Who are you?" Paul asked the other Paul.
"You can call me....Mr. Scratch. I'm you....except I'm better...I'm not afraid of anything. I have no inhibitions, I take what I want when I want and not afraid to kill anybody who fucks with me..." Mr Scratch said as he cleaned the blade of glass on Joe's jacket. "You've got it pretty good here, but there's still one thing left you care about. And I think I'll some fun with it....." He said before the world was enveloped into Blackness.
The next thing he knew he was at Sweet Apple Acres just outside the farmhouse. He looked around and he heard the sound of sad female voice. "Paul?"
"Where are yah Paul? Please...." Apple Bloom's voice begged.
"I'm coming! Where are you?" Paul said as he frantically searched for her.
"Paul Please No! Ah didn't mean to do it, ah'm sorry!" She said begging forgiveness.
"What!? I'm not doing anythi...." All of a sudden Paul remembered his Doppelganger's words, 'You've got it pretty good here, but there's still one thing left you care about. And I think I'll have some fun with it.'
"PAAAULLLLLL!!! NO!! PAULLL!!!!" Apple Bloom screamed before five gun shots rang out and struck her on her body and head, killing her instantly as she fell to the ground, her blood weeping from the earthen floor of the barn.
"NOOOO!!!!!" Paul yelled as he kicked the door down and charged at Mr. Scratch. "MURDERER!!! YOU KILLED HER!!!" He said as he attempted to grapple with Mr. Scratch but he proved to be too adept and quickly over powered Paul and knocked him to the floor next to Apple Bloom.
"Together forever....In Oblivion." Mr. Scratch said as he aimed his pistol directly at Paul's head while he lay on the ground.
"NOO!!!!!" Paul screamed before the gun roared for one last time and his vision cut to black and the nightmare ended......
I Once Was Lost, But Now Am Found
"HAAAAH!" Paul gasped as he shot awake. He quickly felt his forehead and was relieved to not find any bullet holes but his face was wrapped in bandages as were his knuckles and neck.
"Oh thank God....It was just a bad dream." Paul gasped as he breathed heavily and covered his face with his hands for a minute. He then pulled his hands away from his face and looked around the room to see that he was laying on one of Twilight's couches in the main room of her library/house. As he scanned the room he noticed that Joe was sleeping soundly on the couch, once again covered in bandages with Scootaloo sleeping in a chair next to him. "What the fuck happe...Oh yeah." He muttered to himself as he recalled the events after he and Joe showed up at Twilight's.
Twilight had taken the two in and immediately set about treating their wounds. She was particularly surprised by how battered Paul's knuckles were before Joe explained how Paul had blacked out and given Snowflake a savage beating after his jacket got shredded.
She had been shocked by how Paul had the ability to become a berserker when pushed to his limits. Paul explained that they also needed to hide out and keep his truck off the road for the night because the cops were lurking about. Twilight facehoofed at the fact that she was harboring two fugitives and agreed under some duress when Paul asked if she could talk to Celestia about getting them off the hook.
She had put the two under a sleeping spell before giving them the usual 'pull the glass out and cast a healing spell' routine. She then called Scootaloo to let her know what had happened and she showed up in a hot minute.
As he took off the covers he noticed that he was wearing nothing but his boxer shorts, socks, and his dog tags. "Huh, guess I took more punches than I thought I did." He mused to himself. He looked to find that his chest was wrapped in bandages as well as his legs. "Damn....gotta love that adrenaline." He chuckled before standing up.
"Ughhhhh...Jesus Christ…" Paul grunted as he walked over to where his clothes lay, all the while feeling very sore. He looked them over to see that the lower right side of his jacket had shredded by the glass and his shirt and pants were covered in blood.
"Shit...I'll have to take these Rarity. She'll be able to fix 'em up." He assured himself as he reached into the left jacket pocket and pulled out his pack of cigarettes and his Zippo lighter.
"Twilight will give me holy hell if I smoke in here....fuck it I'll just go smoke in the bathroom." He murmured as he walked past Joe and Scootaloo to the bathroom and shut the door.
He looked at himself in the mirror for a moment. "Jesus....they wrapped me up like I got hit by White Phosphorous." He commented as he examined himself. Slowly he undid the bandages on his face and did a slow examination.
"She does good work...even cleared off some acne..." He said with a smirk as he opened his pack of cigarettes and lit one before taking a drag on it. "Better open the window." He said before doing so.
He took off the chest bandages along with the ones on his leg, puffing away on his cigarette the whole time. Finally, he got around to removing the ones on his knuckles, "Wow...She IS good..." He stated. He saw that his knuckles didn't have a single scratch on 'em. He tossed all the bloody bandages in the trash can before leaning against the wall to continue smoking.
All of sudden there was a knock at the bathroom door. "Just a moment!" Paul said before taking another puff. Another knock came at the door a moment later. "I said I'll be out in a minute… God damn it!" Paul yelled through the door. The knock came again yet another moment later. "God damn it, Joe...you're forgetting to say 'Housekeeping!' you dumb son of a...Apple Bloom?" He said as he put out the cigarette and opened the door.
"Nice to see yer up grumpy..." She said with a smirk. All of a sudden he remembered that Twilight had called Apple Bloom as well and that she had been sleeping next to him the whole time without ever realizing it.
To her surprise he suddenly grabbed her and kissed her deeply before enveloping her in a large hug and began rocking back and forth while stroking her mane. Her face turned red at the fact that she had gotten a full view of Paul's chest and that he had kissed her while he was almost naked. "Not that this ain't enjoyable Paul, but what brought this on?" She said.
"A bad dream..." He replied, with his voice cracking. "A very.....very bad dream."
"Well what was...." She began to say before he cut her off.
"Don't say anything...just hold me." He told her as he held her tight.
"Okay…" she replied softly as she brushed his brown hair.
They stood near the doorway for about 5 minutes before Paul heard a voice, "Touching, isn't it Scoots?"
"Yeah....they look so good together..." another voice said.
Paul opened his eyes to see that both Scootaloo and Joe were awake and watching. Joe had already taken off his bandages and was flexing his arm and rolling his wrists to make sure everything was working like it should.
Apple Bloom had whipped around and her face turned an even redder hue when she realized that they were being watched.
"Damn it man! Can't I have a moment without you nosing about?" Paul hissed in an irritated tone of voice.
"What can I say? You're interesting, plus I like seeing your moments." Joe said with a smirk while leaning against Scootaloo. "You're lookin' good man. Not a scratch on you."
"Yeah, I would say the same for you except you've still got something on your head...Oh wait that's your face!" He said in faux-mocking tone.
"Harsh dude." Joe replied as he felt his chin.
“I still think you’re devishly handsome.” Scootaloo commented, making Joe smile and give her a peck on the cheek.
Paul sighed as he let go of Apple Bloom and walked over to pick up his watch from his pile of clothes. "Looks like yours are clean Joe. I'll need to get my spare set out of the truck." He said before walking outside.
He quickly retrieved a pair of jeans, another set of fingerless gloves, and a T-shirt that had the words: "Why Waltz When You Can Rock & Roll" along with a picture of an M-16. He quickly put the clothes on before walking back inside the library/house.
He had walked inside to find that Joe was wearing his clean clothes and talking to Scootaloo and Apple Bloom.
"Hey man, nice T-Shirt!" Joe remarked.
"Thanks man. Say what day is it today?" He asked the group.
"Saturday. Why?" Scootaloo replied curiously.
"It’s just that… I have dinner with Apple Bloom’s family tonight....speaking of which you didn't tell them that I was in a bar fight did you?"
Apple Bloom looked away and said, "Applejack answered the phone...."
"Awwwww...Shit! Like I need any more fucking obstacles!....Shit....Joe you have anything to do today?" He asked
"Nope. Why you ask?" Joe replied.
"You want to fire off some rounds? I need to relieve some stress and aggression." Paul said.
"Sure....I've been needing to get some time in on that anyway." Joe replied.
"Okay...I just need to drop my jacket off at Rarity's to get repaired and get the guns from my house." Paul said as he began to walk out the door with Joe.
"Hey what about us!?" Apple Bloom and Scootaloo said.
"Go hang with Sweetie Belle. You could use some filly time and I could use some more guy time."
"All right....." Apple Bloom said hesitantly
Paul soothed her by giving her a kiss. "Don't worry Angel Face. I'll be there in time for dinner." He said comfortingly before walking out the door and getting into the truck with Joe.
"Oh...By the way.." Paul said as he put on his Ray Ban sunglasses and backed the truck into the street before bitch slapping the back of Joe's head.
"OWW!! Douche!" Joe scowled.
"That's for spying on me....both times..." Paul said with a smirk before speeding off to Carousel Boutique and then to his House before continuing on to Sweet Apple Acres.....
Author's Note
The T-shirt:
I Once Was Lost, But Now Am Found
Sharpshooting
"So this is the spot huh? Pretty far out of the way..." Joe remarked as he examined the area. It was large flat area to the west of the farm, not far from the Everfree Forest.
"Yeah, I come out here because I can fire off my rifles without running the risk of hitting something I don't want to." Paul replied as he retrieved his weapons, ammunition, ear protectors, and protective glasses. "I haven't been shooting in a while so I need give all my guns their exercise." He remarked as he set the weapons and gear down on a large pad placed in the middle of the area.
"So whatta yah got? I've got my M1911A1 but I'm interested to what you have." Joe remarked as Paul began unpacking the weapons.
"Well let’s see..." Paul smiled as he picked up a pistol case. "Here's a Ruger Mark III...Good for plinking and pest control." He said as laid the pistol on the mat. "Heckler & Koch VP70 9mm......good for volume of fire...." He continued, showing the gun to Joe before lying down. "This one is has a good amount of sentimental value to me....the Smith & Wesson Model 15. .38 Special." Paul said as he showed the gun. "This was my uncle's service weapon back when he was in the LAPD."
"I didn't know your uncle was a cop." Joe said as with hint of surprise.
"Yeah....was there from 1982 to 2012, stationed at the North Highland Police Station as a Sergeant. Kept it even when the department switched over to automatics in the 90's. When he retired he gave it to me since he didn't have any kids of his own."
"That's really cool man...What else do you got in that bag?" Joe asked as Paul set down the Model 15
"I got something that you might like Cowboy...." he said as he pulled out a large revolver. “The Smith & Wesson Model 29 with a 6 and 1/2 inch barrel." He suddenly started squinting and using a Clint Eastwood voice, ".44 Magnum.....The most powerful handgun in the world....It just might blow your head clean off...."
"Thanks Callahan...." Joe said with a smirk. "What else?"
"This....ahhhhhhh....this is my personal favorite." Paul said as pulled a Colt Automatic from the bag. "Colt Delta Elite....10mm Auto. With the rounds I use, it’s more powerful than a .357 Magnum. This was a personal gift from my dad. We both loved the 10mm Auto round, especially when it’s loaded hot." He said, looking at the gun for a minute, as if recalling times gone by...
"Hey Paul...You okay?" Joe asked.
"Yeah....anyway....Got a few shotguns...." He said as he pulled one of them out. "My Uncle's police issue Ithaca 37 Deerslayer, Police Special with rifle sights and extended tube." he said before setting down. "Got my own Ithaca 37 here...The Stakeout version...I uhh... personalized it..." He smirked as he revealed that he had carved the words, "No Fate" into the top of the shotgun.
"Nice..." Joe said with a smirk.
"And a Winchester 1897 Trench Gun..." He showed off the intimidating looking shotgun before setting it down.
"Now for rifles.....Got a few bolt actions: a Kar98K 7.92mm Mauser, a Mosin-Nagant 7.62x54R, a Lee-Enfield No.4 .303 British, a Carcano M91/38 6.5×52mm Carcano… and a Type 99 Arisaka 7.7×58mm Arisaka" He said setting the rifles down on the mat.
"Got a few Semi-Autos..... an SKS 7.62x39mm....a Springfield M1A 7.62x51mm NATO......the big daddy....the M1 Garand .30-06 Springfield." He said as held the mighty rifle aloft. "Firing this thing'll put hair on your chest." He said placing it down on the mat.
"Now a few I've altered a little....” He said as he pulled out another weapon. "This is an AR-15 Sporter Carbine and this is a Saiga-12 Semi-Auto Shotgun. I removed that stupid bullet button they had back home." He muttered, placing them down along with the rest of the arsenal. "You know it's weird....back home what I've done with these two is so illegal it's almost unbelievable."
"You're nuts man..." Joe said with a chuckle. "So what'd you want to start with first?"
"I'll start with the Ruger, you can start with your Colt. This baby hasn't seen action since I had to deal with those racoons getting into my trash. You should have seen 'em dude, one second they're messing with my can. Next minute, a flashlights shining on them, they look up like they've been caught with they're hand in the cookie jar. Next they're falling off my can with a .22 shaped hole right between the eyes."
"Holy shit dude...." Joe said with a raised eyebrow.
"Yep.....well get's to it." he said as they took aim at a few paper targets that were already set up. Paul licked his lips before taking a short breath then quickly tapping the trigger. The pistol chattered like an automatic weapon yet, due to the small cartridge, Paul was able to keep a small grouping pattern on the paper target.
5 minutes later…
Paul put down the smoking .22 before picking up his uncle's S&W Model 15 and placing it in his pocket. "Hey Joe, Watch this...." Paul said as he stood before two silhouette targets and started counting down. "3.... 2.....1......" and quickly pulled out the .38 then put two shots in each of the targets’ chest areas, left to right before putting one in each of the targets’ heads right to left. He brought the smoking revolver to his mouth before blowing the smoke away and then twirling it on his finger. "Guess you're not the only cowboy here....Want to try?"
Joe looked at his pistol for a moment then to the revolver. He shrugged. "Sure..." Joe replied as he took the pistol and picked up a speedloader then reloaded the gun. Joe had never fired a revolver before, only his automatic pistol.
He looked at the double action revolver then without warning, quickly snapped it up and fired off every round in quick succession. Each bullet landed within a four inch grouping. Paul raised an eyebrow. “So you really are a cowboy…”
5 minutes later
"You’re on pal." Joe replied with a smirk.
Paul picked up the Delta Elite and popped in a fresh magazine as Joe did the same with his M1911.
"On your mark....get set.....GO!" Paul said as the two raised their pistols. Joe zipped his out in a flash of motion, like he had been training with the pistol and it was some sort of second nature talent.
In a flash of motion Joe fired off five rounds, missing all but one target. His pistol bucked in his hands. Paul began to acquire targets and fire off rounds, though slower only by fractions of a second.
Joe fired a final shot and his last target had a hole placed right through the forehead.
"Ohh...Son of a bitch! Best two out of three?" Paul said as he ejected his magazine and replaced it with a full one. Joe had managed to be a bit quicker on the draw than him.
"Ready for more huh?" Joe asked with snide look on his face. They both reloaded then holstered their pistols. John took an old western stance that looked more like he was about to draw a single action revolver rather than a semi-automatic pistol.
"On your mark....get set.....GO!" Paul said again. Paul was faster on the draw this time but instead of bringing his pistol up to his eye level, Joe simply brought it to chest level and fired off five quick rounds just as Paul was firing his fourth round. All five of Joe’s bullets had smoked their target.
“What the fuck!?” Paul yelled in frustration, not sure how the cowboy was beating him each time.
“Paul… the rounds you’re using are producing too much recoil to be effective against a pistol with less recoil. Do you have something less ‘Hot’?” Joe asked and Paul raised an eyebrow.
“But…” Paul began but Joe just raised a hand. Paul scoffed. “Fine… I don’t know what kind of difference it’ll make.” Paul muttered. Paul pulled out a box labeled "10mm Auto FBI Load" and loaded rounds into the magazine then slapped the magazine into the pistol.
The two men stood in draw stances then quickly snapped up their pistols, Paul drawing just a fraction of a second earlier. They both fired off their pistols and Paul got his shots off just a moment sooner then Joe.
"OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Paul said as he raised his hands in the air. "The king has been dethroned!"
"Alright...I'm man enough to know when I've been beat… see what I tell yah?" Joe chuckled as he moved to shake Paul's hand.
“How’d you know that would help. It wasn’t that much more recoil.” Paul asked and Joe shrugged.
“Even though the miniscule amount of recoil doesn’t seem like much in regular shooting, in a competition, even the slightest fraction of a second makes all the difference.” Joe replied.
“So… you’ve been to competitions?” Paul asked. “You’d have to have been. The way you didn’t even aim your pistol…” Paul stated and Joe smiled.
“Nah, my dad and uncle used to go gunslinging on their spare time. Dad taught me how you just point your gun like pointing a finger, almost as if it’s part of your body… anyway…” Joe informed Paul who raised an eyebrow from the comment.
"Well shit… thanks for the tips… I’ll have to practice." Paul said shaking Joe's hand.
"Well… let’s get on with rest of them..." Paul said.
*4 hours later: 4:00 P.M.*
Paul and Joe had gone through the rest of the pistols as well as the shotguns and the bolt action rifles. At the moment they were lying on the grass taking potshots at long range targets, Paul using the M1 Garand and Joe the M1A Springfield.
"So..... had kind nightmare last night..." Paul said as he squeezed off 3 rounds in a row. The gunshots echoed off into the distance.
"Really? What about?" Joe said as he ejected the magazine from the rifle and inserted a full one.
"Well... It was about what happened last night at the bar…" Paul said squeezing off 3 more rounds. "I dreamt I was walking along the streets of the town when I heard a scuffle near the bar. I ran up to see what was going on and I saw that it was me beating the shit out of Snowflake after he tackled us out the window." He said firing off the last 2 rounds before the Garand made its distinctive ping noise as it ejected the clip.
"Yeah...Then what?" Joe said as he fired off some more rounds.
"Well things happened a bit differently in my dream that time. You pulled me off of him, but then I threw you against the truck and I grabbed a piece of glass then stabbed Snowflake in heart with it." Paul said uneasily as recalled the nightmare.
"Wait...what? Whoa, that’s cold." Joe said as put down the rifle before sitting up to look at his friend.
"Yeah.... thing is... I'm just standing there watching this happen, it was some sort doppelganger me who stabbed Snowflake." Paul said as Joe looked at him with seriousness in his eyes.
"Then....... you started yelling at him that he killed Snowflake. But then before you could do anything he pulled the blade out of Snowflake and stabbed you in the chest with it.... Oh god." Paul said as he held his head in his hands. "I could see the look in your eyes as you died. You asked him why and he said what I I said the day I helped you with your locker, 'What can I say? I'm a scary guy.'"
Joe listened silently with a worried look on his face.
"Then you fell to the ground....Oh Jesus Christ, the look in your eyes when you fell....You weren't looking at him...You were looking at me as you lay dead. Silently accusing me with your cold eyes...." He said as he stood up and started pacing.
"He looked right at me with this evil smile on his face. God, I'll never forget it. I asked him who he was and he said his name was....'Mr. Scratch'." Paul said as he tried to make Joe comprehend.
"Mr. Scratch?" Joe asked confusedly as he listened to Paul's recounting of his nightmare.
"Yeah, he said he was me...except that he was better because he wasn't afraid of anything, he didn't have any inhibitions. That he took whatever he wanted and didn't have any hesitation about killing anyone who got in his way."
"Holy shit..." Joe said as he listened in horror.
"That's not all..." Paul said as he shuddered before continuing. "Then he said that there was still one thing left that I cared about and that he was going to have some fun with it before I was suddenly teleported to Sweet Apple Acres. There I heard Apple Bloom calling for me. I started looking for her before I heard her start begging me for mercy...."
"What?" Joe asked incredulously
"Yeah.... she was begging me for mercy.... I heard it coming from the barn. I looked through the window and I saw Mr. Scratch get up from over her.... her clothes were torn man....." Paul said as his voice cracked.
"No....." Joe said as his jaw dropped.
"Yeah...then he pulled a pistol on her as she screamed my name, begging me not to do it, just before he killed her.... He shot her down man.... I burst into the barn to attack him but he just knocked me to the ground and said 'Together forever....in oblivion.' before shooting me in the head. That's when I woke up." Paul said as he finished recounting the horrible tale.
"Jesus..... man I..... I don't what to say..." Joe said as he stood up.
"Does it make any sense!? I mean what the fuck does it mean!?" Paul said as he grabbed Joe.
"Calm down man!" Joe said as he brushed him off. "You’re..... You’re probably reacting to the fact that you beat shit out of Snowflake and it scared you....You're afraid that you're gonna hurt others....like me or Apple Bloom." Joe said with an understanding look on his face.
"I don't want to do that man..... I mean... Jesus, the look on Snowflake’s face after I beat the shit out of him....... I've never seen anybody that scared before. I still can't come to terms with fact that I probably would have beaten him to death if you hadn't intervened.....My God, what the fuck is wrong with me?" Paul asked as he sat down and covered his face with his hands.
"You need to learn to control your anger man...." Joe said as he put a comforting hand on Paul's shoulder. "You still miss home.... you miss your family. I understand man...God knows I miss mine." Joe said as he sat next to him.
"God I miss them so much." Paul said as he looked to sky, a single tear shedding from his eye. "They're still there man. Wondering where the hell I've gone with no way of ever finding me." He said, now trying difficulty to hold back the wave of tears.
"Hey... Hey… Hey... It's okay." Joe said as he hugged him. "You've still got me pal. You've also got Apple Bloom and she loves you to death....That's something isn't it?" Joe said comfortingly.
"Yeah...I guess it is." Paul said, taking a deep breath.
"There yah go.... focus on the positives and you'll be fine." Joe said, patting Paul on the back.
"Thanks man...really." Paul replied thankfully. "Now...what do you say we finish shooting?" He said in a more upbeat tone.
"Sure thing..." Joe replied.
*1 Hour later* 5:00 P.M.
Paul and Joe had just finished packing up the weapons and ammunition when all of a sudden Paul spotted a rabbit out of the corner of his eye to the left. He picked up his Uncle's Police Issue Ithaca 37. Joe looked up at him, "Paul what are you doing?" He asked as he tried to follow his gaze.
"Sssh...." Paul replied as he moved slowly towards the forest before he spotted the rabbit. He slowly took aim at the rabbit. As he did he slowly inhaled and exhaled half way before slowly beginning to squeeze the trigger. Joe realized what he was doing and quickly moved to intervene. Joe grabbed the shotgun barrel just as it went off. The shotgun let off a mighty roar as the buckshot whizzed wildly towards its target and met its mark. The 12 gauge shot tore through the rabbit like it was tissue paper.
Paul looked up at him. “Hey man, you might have went vegetarian since you've come here... but I still eat meat."
Joe just shook his hand and motioned for Paul to watch the rabbit. As they did, three baby rabbits came out from the brush and began to nuzzle their dead mother.
Paul just stood silently before saying, "I... I couldn’t have… how'd you know?" He gasped.
"I didn't..." Joe sighed. "Sometimes it's better to just watch nature's beauties... rather than always destroy it." He commented as he walked back to shooting range.
Paul just stood dumbfounded as he watched the babies attempt to get their mother to move. "Shhhhhhhhhhhit..." he exhaled.
After a minute he slowly gathered up the babies and placed them in a small container he had. He then put the mother in a plastic bag and placed that in an ice chest he had in the back of the truck. He cradled the container of saddened bunnies.
"We need to make quick stop by Fluttershy's on the way back..... I need to do right by these babies." He said to Joe as they got into the truck and drove off in the direction of Fluttershy's treehouse.
* * *
"I'll be just a minute..." Paul said to Joe as he got out of the truck and picked up the container with babies, before walking up to the door. Steeling his resolve, he gave his usual "shave and haircut, two bits" knock.
"Just a minute..." a soft voice said from inside the structure. The door opened and Fluttershy stood in the doorway. "Oh...Hello... um Paul..." she whispered softly before noticing the container with the baby rabbits in them. "Oh my...what's wrong with them?" She asked, somehow noticing their sadness without actually examining them.
"I found 'em by the Everfree forest. They were alone, the mother was dead." he said succinctly, leaving out the part about blasting the mother apart with his shotgun for obvious reasons.
"Oh dear... the poor things..." She whispered as she took the container in her hooves and set it inside. "What happened to her?" She asked.
Paul looked into her sad eyes but he knew he could not tell her the truth. "Timber Wolf got her." He lied convincingly. "It was a real mess, they were lucky it didn't notice them otherwise they'd have ended up just like her. I figured that if anyone could take care of them… it would be you."
"Oh... um... well thank you for thinking of me.... I'll make sure they get taken care of...." She replied.
"Alright, I got to get going, I have dinner with Apple Bloom and her family. I'll make sure to tell Mac you said hi." He said with a soft smile before starting to walk back to his truck.
"Oh...Okay...." She said, before walking back inside.
Paul promptly got inside the truck and started the engine before driving off towards Joe's house.
"So....what did you tell her?" Joe asked. Paul simply sighed in regret.
"....I told her that their mother was killed by a timber wolf..." He replied guiltily.
"Okay...." Joe replied. "That's plausible......"
They drove along for about 10 minutes before they arrived at Joe's house.
Before Joe got out, Paul asked "Are you still mad?"
“I'm not mad at you Paul. You just need to think before you act." Joe replied as he smiled then stepped out. "Actions have consequences...."
"Yeah....I know that too well...." Paul replied as Joe got out of the truck.
"I'll see you later man. Good luck with the dinner." Joe said before he walked away towards his house.
Paul sighed and drove off towards Carousel Boutique.........
Author's Note
The Guns:
The Colt Delta Elite:
Joe's M1911A1:
The Heckler & Koch VP70:
The Ruger Mark III:
The S&W Model 15:
The Smith & Wesson Model 29:
The Ithaca 37 Stakeout:
The Ithaca 37 DS Police Special:
The Winchester 1897 Trench Gun:
The M1 Garand:
The Colt AR-15 Sporter Carbine:
The Saiga-12:
The Springfield M1A:
The Simonov SKS:
The Lee-Enfield No. 4:
The Mosin-Nagant:
The Kar98K:
The Carcano M91/38:
The Arisaka Type 99 Short Rifle:
I Once Was Lost, But Now Am Found
The Human Who Came to Supper
Paul drove the truck down the country road at a steady 55 MPH. He was nervous as all hell, slightly sweating as he drove along. All of a sudden he slammed on the brakes and pulled over to the right side of the road. He whipped off his sunglasses and pulled down the visor mirror and looked at himself in the mirror.
"YOU! YES YOU! STOP BEING SUCH A FUCKING PUSSY! This the first time in a long time that you have actually been happy. When was the last time you were actually happy? I mean really actually happy? Two years ago. Two fucking years ago before you came to this place. The place where don't even know if you’re halfway on the other side of the galaxy or in another fucking dimension! It has been two years since the Summer of 2013! That was the last time you were happy! You don't even know what fucking year it is in this place! Why don't you stop being a whiny little pussy bitch, man up and grow a pair of fucking balls! Now, you are going to drive over to Sweet Apple Acres, you are going to get out of this truck, you will walk up to the front door, knock, have dinner with Apple Bloom and her family, and you are going to tell them you are dating their little sister, that you are two are happy, and that if they don't like it, they can kiss your ass, and tell 'em to pucker up! Now...Who's the man!? You're the man! YOU! ARE! THE! MAN! You're cool, you're ice! You're fuckin' B.J. Blazkowicz! Now.....GET PSYCHED!" He said, putting on some music. He shook his head for a moment as he thought he saw himself make the Death Incarnate face....
"Look out Apple Family.....Paul's comin' to dinner..." He said putting his Ray-Bans back on. With that he slammed on the accelerator and peeled out before speeding down the road at 85 MPH.
listen all you muthafuckers (x2)
that's the name of the game (x4)
Yo
Top of the crown
Rape the queen
The fatal mistake in your cradle
Can't shake the dreams of
Fire inside of your phonograph
Battered with gas
And give you room to breathe
Through an adequate mask
Everybody in front
Let me see ya pumpin' ya fists
If you up in the back room
When you rockin' with this
Come on
Keepin' ya speaker knockin'
Jumpin' bangin' bumpin' blazin' Hot
Callin' all freaks
Callin' all freaks now
Yo yo
Callin' all freaks
Callin' all freaks now
that's right
that's the name of the game (x4)
callin' all freaks
callin' all freaks
callin' all
callin' all
callin
that's right
Get em up in the back room
Get em up in the back room
I said get em up in the back room
mutha-fucka
callin' all (x8)
thats the name of the game
calling all freaks
that's the name of the game
calling all freaks now
that's the name of the game
yo yo calling all freaks now
that's the name of the game
calling all freaks now
As the song finished, Paul looked up ahead and saw the farm come into view. "Point of no return ol buddy ol boy! Do or die! Sink or swim! Nut up or shut up! And any other turn phrase to illustrate that point!"
* * *
"Gol’ darnit Apple Bloom, ain't ya gonna tell me who this colt is?" Applejack said as she carried a plate of food from the kitchen to the table.
"Yahr just gonna have to wait and see when he gets here..." Apple Bloom said in a coy tone of voice as she went to help Mac carry food to the table.
"Can't we at least get a little hint?" Big Mac asked with a grin as he set the plates and silverware at their proper locations on the table.
"Fine...... you've seen him before already.... that's all I'm saying." She said as she walked to window to watch for him.
"Well yah certainly are lookin' tah impress him...." Mac said with chuckle as he pointed out how Apple Bloom was wearing a large amount of blush and she had her shirt unbuttoned at the top.
"Hey! There's nothing wrong with wanting to look good for yer coltfriend is there?" she replied defensively.
"I suppose not..." Mac said with smile recalling what Fluttershy had worn during their last encounter.....
Apple Bloom continued to look out the window until she saw Paul's truck coming up the road. 'He's here!' she thought happily.
* * *
Paul pulled the truck to a stop beside the barn as he got out and once again steeled his resolve. 'Go in there and have dinner with her family. Remember! You're not a coward!' he thought as he knocked on the door.
"He's Here!" Apple Bloom said as she quickly ran to the door and opened it. At the door stood Apple Bloom, Applejack, Big Mac and Granny Smith. Paul's mind quickly did a 180 on its resolve, 'Correction, I am coward! A frightened, craven little coward!' he thought, thanking God that his eyes were concealed by his sunglasses.
Big Mac stood with an unsurprised look on his face, Granny and Apple Bloom were about to smile their faces off, and Applejack still hadn't registered that Paul was her sisters coltfriend.
"Oh, hey Paul. What are you doing here?" She asked.
"She hasn't picked up....?" Apple Bloom inquired to her older brother.
"Give her a minute...." Big Mac said as they watched Applejack's face with anticipation.
She stood there for a minute before a gauge inside her head quickly went from 'NO CLUE' to 'GET'S IT'. Her face quickly changed to an uncomfortable look. "Oh....... soooooooo yahr Apple Bloom's coltfriend?" She asked hesitantly.
"Yeah.........." He replied, equally uncomfortable. "So.....can I come in?" he asked with an uncertain face.
"Sure......." She replied as she stepped aside and allowed him passage.
"Thanks......." He said as walked inside. Paul sniffed the air. "Mmm… Smells good....." He said as they all sat down at the table.
"Thank yah...” Applejack replied as they began dish up food.
The meal went on for about 20 minutes before anybody said anything. Big Mac was the first to speak. "So, yah've taken a likin tah Apple Bloom?" He asked as took a bite from his meal.
"Yeah...she kind of grew on me after walking her to class for a few weeks, although she was the one who was making most of the moves. Sort of throwing signals, like she always smiled when I showed up and she was always looking for an excuse to be around me. That sort of thing." He replied as he ate.
"She certainly has an...... unusual taste in colts..." Applejack replied in passively-aggressive tone.
"What is that supposed tah mean!?" Apple Bloom exclaimed angrily.
"It means Ah think yah may not have the best judgement when it comes to choosing coltfriends." Applejack said as she gave her little sister a stern gaze.
"How dare yah! Yah have no right to judge me or him! Just because he's not a pony doesn't give yah the right tah write him off!" She said as she angrily stood up from the table.
"That's not the only reason why yah shouldn't be courting with him! He smokes heavily and drinks just as much!" She countered just as angrily as she stood up as well.
"He already told me all that himself! The day we went out for coffee and ah asked him out! He told me that ah should probably look for someone else!" She yelled.
"Well maybe yah should've listened tah him!" Applejack yelled back.
"Don't say something yahr gonna regret, AJ." Apple Bloom replied with a tranquil fury.
Paul stood up at that moment, "Could I say something please?"
"NO!!" They both yelled at him.
"Okay..... I'll.... be out on the front porch then...." He said meekly looking back and forth before slowly backing out the door.
"Well this has gone as well as Larry Craig trying to proposition someone in an airport bathroom...." He muttered to himself as he sat in a chair on the front porch and lit up a cigarette.
"I'll be fucked....." Paul said while taking a drag on his cigarette.
"Ah wouldn't bet against it..." a low voice chuckled. Paul whipped around to see Mac standing next to him on the porch.
"I see you've decide to flee the insanity as well?" Paul laughed.
"Well, when yahr the only male in yahr family, yah know when it's time to take cover...." He said, chuckling as he took a seat in a chair next to Paul.
"Funny, It was the exact opposite in my house. My mom was the only female, rest was guys: Me, My older brother Kyle, and my dad Jon. A friend of my brother's asked him, 'how did your Mom survive dealing with you three?'" Paul said laughing.
"Yeah...." Mac said chuckling. "Hey, can Ah have one those?"
"Sure." Paul said as he pulled out his pack of Lucky Strikes and gave one to Mac. "Would you believe this brand actually exists back home on planet Earth?"
"Really? That's a heckuva coincidence." He said as he put the cigarette in his mouth.
Paul pulled out his Zippo, lit it, and said in his best Firebat voice, "Need a light?"
Mac nodded as he leaned forward in his chair far enough to light the cigarette. "Fire it up." Paul said with a chuckle.
As Mac took a drag on his cigarette, Paul gave him a surprised look and said "I didn't know you smoked Mac. I thought the Apple family were 100% straight shooters." Paul said as he took a drag on his own cigarette.
"Well... Ah wasn't always the responsible stallion Ah am now. Ah actually used to be a lot like you, I smoked, I drank, and I smoked." He said motioning to his mouth. Only difference was that I was a lot more sexually active..." He said with a chuckle.
"I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess that that's reason you're always chewing on a sprig of wheat?" Paul asked.
"Eeyup." Mac replied
"Huh. So you used to be punk like me huh? I'll admit the idea of you dressed up as a punk and listening to The Circle Jerks while stoned out of your mind is an interesting image." Paul chuckled.
"Ah'll bet...I cleaned my act about the time Applejack left to go to Manehatten and Apple Bloom was still a baby. My act was mostly because ah was a combination of angry and sad about the death of mah parents and it was a way of venting."
"I heard about that, sorry dude." Paul replied.
"That's all right, water under the bridge." Mac replied
"I'm guessing that’s why you didn't 'jump on your high horse' so to speak?" He asked
Mac gave him an arched eyebrow before saying, "Eeyup, it’s also because ah think yahr a good kid despite how you act. Ah've actually figured it out a while ago. Ah noticed all the looks she was givin' yah, and how she seem to light up whenever yah came around. Ah just didn't let on because ah thought it would be better if yah two got comfortable enough to tell us."
"Yeah and that's gone swimmingly so far." He said sarcastically while motioning to the house where Applejack and Apple Bloom were still going at it.
"Applejack means well she's just..." Mac began to say before Paul spoke up.
"Hard-headed, stubborn, and can tend to have a stick so far up her ass you could use her as a puppet?" Paul threw in.
"Well yes, but Ah was goin' to say that she doesn't want to see Apple Bloom get hurt." Mac replied.
"Well she managed to do that in the most ass way possible." He said before noticing a displeased look on Mac's face. "Sorry..." He replied sheepishly.
"Ah understand where yer comin' from though. Just......be careful would you? Ah don't want tah see either of yah hurt. And now here's where ah'm supposed to insert obligatory, 'break her heart and ah break yahr face' routine. " Mac chuckled.
"Noted.......Thanks man." Paul said to Mac.
They sat there smoking for about another 10 minutes before Paul spoke. "Are they still going at it?"
"Sounds to be that way." Mac replied.
"Okay, there's only one way to stop this." He said as he put out his cigarette. "Cover me Mac, I'm goin' in." He said as he got up and walked inside. Mac quickly put out his cigarette and walked in with him.
Paul stood in front of the table where Applejack and Apple Bloom were still going at each other. Paul cleared his throat and yelled, "I WAS FRO-ZEN TODAY!!!"
The two stopped yelling at each other and gave the biggest, 'What the fuck?' look they could.
Paul looked at Mac for a moment and said, "Never fails to kill an argument. Plus you get to enjoy the weird looks."
“WHAT THE HAY DO YAH WANT… YAH SLITHERY SNAKE YAH?!” Applejack yelled.
“He ain’t no slithery snake!” Applebloom yelled back.
“Is to. We give him shelter, a way of livin' and how does he return the favor? By gettin' with our sister!” Applejack yelled. Paul groaned to himself.
“Somehow I thought this would’ve gone better.” He muttered to himself. Applejack heard his comment.
“Why in tarnation would this have gone well yah delinquent!?” She screamed. Paul shrugged.
“I don’t know… maybe because I think we’re in love.” Paul replied.
“Yah ain’t in love, yah just want in her pants!” Applejack yelled a reply.
“NOW WAIT A MINUTE!” Paul and Apple Bloom both yelled. "My parents raised me better than that! They taught me how a treat a girl right, granted when they taught me that they weren't thinking about the possibility of their son ending up in world of talking ponies and falling for one of them, but my point remains valid! And as far my smoking, drinking, and drug use, at least I'm honest about my faults!"
"And Just what do yah mean by that!?" Applejack yelled
"It means at least smart enough to know my faults and not bite off more than I can chew, unlike you that one Applebuck Season...." he yelled back causing Applejack to recoil. "Oh yeah. I have my sources. I heard all about how you ran your dumbass ragged trying to do everything yourself and you had to hit rock bottom before you up and realized you fucked up and needed help. Not even Joe's that hardheaded. BOOM! Take that to bank and cash it sister!" He said with a flourish and smug grin on his face.
Big Mac tapped Paul on the shoulder. “Yer on yer own… Ah’m out. Applejack’s getting the twitch.” Big Mac said before cautiously trotting away.
“What’s the twitch?” Paul asked before realizing that Applejack was twitching worse than Pinkie when she got her Pinkie sense.
Big Mac trotted out of the house just as Applejack started throwing dishes. They would smash off the wall as Paul ducked them. “JESUS CHRIST, WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM!” Paul yelled as Applejack rushed him, tackling him to the ground like a snarling bull.
Outside, Mac simply sighed before a blue Shelby Cobra pulled up. Joe stepped out and took off his hat, fanning it in front of his face to cool off. Joe started walking towards the door.
“Wish it was so.” Mac muttered to himself. Joe raised an eyebrow as he placed the cowboy hat back on his head.
“Wish what was so?” He asked curiously.
“That you were Apple Bloom’s new coltfriend.” He replied and Joe chuckled faintly.
“Why would I be Apple Bloom’s coltfriend?” He asked, dumbfounded by the comment. Mac sighed as he rolled his eyes.
“Cause Apple Bloom brought her coltfriend to dinner an… it isn’t going so well. Was just thinkin' it mighta gone differently if you hadda showed up first.” Mac replied. Joe chuckled at the thought of being Apple Bloom’s coltfriend. He knew she belonged to Pau…
“Oh shit.” Joe muttered as he realized what Applejack would act like when she realized Paul was Apple Bloom’s new special somepony. “She didn’t know beforehand huh?” Joe asked then a chair smashed out the window, making Joe duck to avoid flying glass. "THAT'S IT! YOU'RE GOING TO BE WEARING YOUR ASS FOR HAT INSTEAD THAT STETSON APPLEBITCH! COME ON! SQUARE GO!" He heard Paul yell as he saw him tackle Applejack into the kitchen.
“Guess that’s yer answer.” Mac replied. Joe sighed deeply and Mac looked up to him. “So why are yah here?” He asked and Joe shrugged.
“I forgot my gun in the house.” Joe said as he went to open the door. Mac grabbed him by the arm.
“Don’t go in there.” He warned and Joe sighed.
“I need my gun…” He stated as he walked in. He heard Apple Bloom screaming at both Applejack and Paul. ‘If only Paul were dating Applejack…’ He mused to himself as he slid up beside the wall and tried to sneak past the quarreling family members.
Not even seconds after Joe had started sneaking past, Applejack spotted him. “Joe! What the hay are yah…” Her eyes went wide as she lept off from atop Paul and rushed Joe with a fury in her eyes.
“Whoa, shit!” Joe yelled as the mare collided with him, knocking both their bodies into a small desk in the hallway. Joe’s massive frame busted the desk apart and sent splinters through his shirt and into his back.
“Ow!” He winced in mild pain as Applejack began to pummel his chest. “Uhm… Applejack… what’s up?” Joe asked, not really feeling the beating she was trying to give the large man.
“APPLE BLOOM AH SWEAR TAH CELESTIA… IF THIS IS SOME SORTA THREE WAY!” Applejack yelled. Apple Bloom gasped in insult.
“Why in tarnation… why would yah think I’m some sorta whore?!” Apple Bloom yelled, almost in tears that her sister would think so poorly of her.
Applejack continued to pound away at Joe who simply shrugged off the beating and pulled the furious mare off his body then began to stand up. “Ahh… shit.” He muttered as pain surged through his back. He twisted his body and spotted blood staining his white t-shirt.
“Dammit AJ… You ruined my good shirt.” He muttered casually, as if nothing was wrong. Everyone seemed to drop their jaws in shock of how dense Joe was.
“Joe… yah…” Applejack hissed. Joe raised an eyebrow. “What the hay are yah doin here?” Applejack asked, now curious to why Joe was here. Paul stood up and went to trot beside the angry mare but she kicked him in the groin sending him to floor.
“AHHHH… You..don't..kick..people..in the balls you ASSHOLE!” Paul hissed as he grimaced in pain and reached over and punched Applejack in the ovaries sending her reeling in pain to the floor. Apple Bloom rushed to her friend and helped him stand.
“The hell’d you do that for?!” Joe gasped and Applejack’s eyes went wide in shock before she rolled her eyes.
She and Paul both spoke simultaneously. “Joe… only you can be so dense.” The both said as they lay writhing on the floor. Joe looked to the roof and scratched his head.
“Right… I’m here for my gun…” Joe replied. Paul groaned as he stepped forwards.
“Way tah go, Cupid.” He commented and Joe raised an eyebrow. “Never mind.” He muttered, finally able to stand without Apple Bloom’s help.
“Uhm… righto, anyways… After Paul left to get his jacket fixed… I came back to the house, went to take a shower… got out, and got a call from Flim and Flam… they had my car done. So I left and had forgotten my pistol so I came back to get it… Cupid?” Joe asked.
“Calmed the crazy mare that was going to kill me.” He laughed and Joe scratched his head.
“Oh yeah… you two are dating… forgot about that for a moment when AJ was… beating me for… why were you hitting me again?” He asked but Applejack was still dumbstruck about how dense he was.
Finally she managed to sputter a reply. “I thought… you were having a threesome with Paul an muh sister.” Applejack replied. Joe chuckled.
“Why would I do that? I’m with Scoots.” Joe replied and Apple Bloom piped up.
“Yeah, see. Apple Bloom is dating a man, so why can’t ah?” Apple Bloom yelled, immediately the two began quarrelling again. Joe just shrugged and began making his way to the washroom.
“Scootaloo has every right to date Joe. He’s a million times better than Paul!” Applejack yelled.
“Maybe for her, but Paul is a million times better fer me!” Apple Bloom yelled back.
“Maybe you should’ve started dating Joe before getting involved with Bane!” Applejack yelled back.
Paul tried to speak but couldn’t find an entrance point into the argument. “How can yah even say that! Scootaloo an Joe are happy together, you’d want to change that?!” Apple Bloom cried out, tears now flowing from her eyes.
Applejack went to yell back but was interrupted by Joe. “Well, thank you folks for you… hospitality… I’ll be taking my leave now… cheerio dears.” He said, the last bit in a very squeaky voice.
“What gave yah the right tah date Soarin?!” Apple Bloom yelled, getting into Applejack’s affairs.
“What… what does this have tah…” Applejack began but Apple Bloom cut her off as she grabbed Joe, who was still bleeding somewhat.
“The only reason yah two got together was cause Joe an' Soarin were hangin out in the fields after he was teaching him… why do yah have the right to date him but ah can’t date Paul!?” Apple Bloom yelled.
“Can I leave?” Joe asked but Apple Bloom gave him a cold glare.
“No, ah need yah for a moment tah make a point.” Apple Bloom replied.
“In case you all haven’t noticed… I’m bleeding.” Joe replied. Paul snickered.
“You ain’t got time to bleed.” He laughed, in a perfect Ventura voice. Joe laughed then turned around.
“Like I was saying… I’m bleeding and in case you haven’t noticed… I can’t even touch my own shoulders so forget about even touching my back to pull out those splinters.” Joe said as he tried to touch his shoulders. His bicep was too big to even allow him to get close to touching his shoulder.
“Roid Monkey.” Paul chuckled and Joe rolled his eyes.
“You wish… anyway, I’m off to the doctor… toodles.” Joe chuckled. The whole ‘Dense Joe’ thing had really killed the mood, but that was a good thing, for the time being.
Paul walked over. “I’ll drive you.” He said but Joe shook his hand.
“Nah, it’s cool. Got my car back.” Joe stated. Suddenly Applejack grabbed Joe and placed him over the table.
“Don’t even think for a minute yer off the hook.” AJ said to Paul with a cold glare. She then began to pluck splinters out of Joe’s back. Every so often he’d flinch but for the most part he just lay there and let her pull out every splinter.
Paul sat down in front of Joe and displayed his tattered t-shirt, which let through beams of light through the holes. “Doesn’t it hurt?” Paul asked as he watched Applejack pull a rather large splinter from his back.
Joe smiled then shrugged before putting on a blunt face. “The base data can be called ‘Pain’.” He replied in a terminator voice. Paul chuckled then face palmed.
“Thanks Arnie… needed that one.” Paul chuckled as Apple Bloom sat beside him. As Applejack pulled splinters from Joe’s back, she realized how far over the edge she had gone. Joe was just an innocent bystander who got hurt in her fit of rage.
She pulled another splinter from his back. “Yah… yah look like a porcupine.” Applejack said through a sniffle. “Ah’m sorry… tah all of yah… ah didn’t mean tah…” She trailed off as a tear came to her eye.
Paul nodded. “Well at least I didn’t get hurt as badly as Joe… hey guess what, it’s the best part… sterilization.” He commented. Joe looked up.
“Wait, what?” He asked before Paul poured a bottle of liquor cider on Joe’s bloodied back. The alcoholic beverage quickly sterilized the wound but Joe flinched a bit and gasped.
“GAHHHH, hey!” He yelled and Paul smirked.
“No pain no gain, right Arnie?” He laughed smugly. Joe just groaned as he let his head flop down and bang off the hardwood table.
“I hate you…” He muttered and Paul smirked.
“And I love you.” He said. Joe looked up to his with a raised eyebrow but realized he was taking to Apple Bloom. The two shared a passionate kiss and Joe felt Applejack’s body tense. He rolled his eyes as he grabbed the already twitching mare and dragged her away.
Granny Smith sat in her chair. Though she looked asleep, she had stayed awake through the entire ordeal and smiled faintly. “Those two are something else…” She muttered silently to herself.
Author's Note
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I Once Was Lost, But Now Am Found
I Was Thinking Of The Immortal Words of Socrates, Who Said, "... I Drank What?"
Paul slept peacefully on the bed with his face pushed into his pillow, his right arm over his back, and his left arm underneath his waist as the alarm clock began to ring. His eyes shot open as he looked evilly at the blasted clock as it rang. He deftly grabbed it, walked over to the window and threw it as hard as he could outside, its collision marked by the sound of a cat screeching and some guy yelling "MY LEG!".
Paul paused a minute and looked out the window. He looked left and right but didn't see anything. "Huh.....Well that was cliché." He muttered before he closed the window.
It was then that he noticed that he had slept in his clothes: A pair of plaid shorts, a pair of dark blue Chuck Taylor High Tops, and a grey T-Shirt with a picture of an M41A Pulse Rifle from Aliens on it with the caption: "PEACE THROUGH SUPERIOR FIREPOWER." He also looked up to notice that he was not in his bedroom, it was much too pink for that.
"Oh, what the fresh hell is this?" He groggily asked himself as he examined his surroundings. "Is this Pinkie Pie's room? And why fuck was I sleeping in her bed? What the fuck am I doing in Sugarcube Corner?" He muttered to himself before he suddenly felt nauseous.
His world felt like it was spinning out of control. "Oh shit…" He whispered as he dashed for the door and into the bathroom across the hall. Just as he reached the toilet and threw open the lid, he immediately vomited.
He continued to puke out his stomach’s vile contents for a few minutes before he pulled his head up and looked in the mirror. "What the fuck are you lookin' at you old bastard?" He asked the mirror image of himself.
He promptly rinsed out his mouth before speaking. "Okay that's step one." He began. "Step two: Get some coffee, Step Three: Figure out what the fuck happened, and Step Four: There is no Step Four." He said to himself sarcastically as he pressed the lever on the toilet before walking downstairs.
He came downstairs and out of the kitchen into the main area of the building to see quite the sight. The place looked like a hand grenade full of drunken debauchery had gone off. He looked to see a few tables over turned, food everywhere, punch glasses spilled, although most interesting where the ponies and the positions they were in.
Pinkie Pie was snoring with her face planted in a huge pile of cake with words "Pac Man Fever" written on her back. Joe was sleeping on the floor with Scootaloo passed out on top of him in a 69 position and the words "Ball Vac" written on his face with two large black arrows pointing to his mouth, Scootaloo had the words "Chicken $2.99/lb" written on her face as well.
Sweetie Belle and Pipsqueak were entwined with each other on the counter top covered in gravy flour.
The football team was spread out in various positions all over the restaurant: Revy was sleeping soundly with a large of amount of furniture piled on top of him. Thunder Shot was sleeping on a couch that had been balanced between two book cases. Tanner was sleeping on a mattress on the floor and he happened to be wrapped to it in a large amount of saran wrap, and in the case of Dandelion, he was stuffed into a large pet carrier.
"What the hell happened last night....Oh yeah that's right....It was ‘Pinkie's’ party." He said, putting emphasis on ‘Pinkie’ and remembering how had pranked everybody after they passed out.
Paul looked at everybody and gave a small chuckle before he looked over to see Apple Bloom sleeping soundly on a large red beanbag chair, untouched by any of Paul's pranks. He looked at her and admired her beauty as she slept. "She’s just too damn cute." He thought aloud as he leaned over and gave her a small kiss on the lips before standing up as she continued to sleep.
He walked over to the coffee machine and poured himself a cup before taking a sip. "That was quite a party." He said as he recalled the events of the previous night......
* * *
The party had been somewhat large considering that Pinkie invited a good portion of the students from Oxton High including: Twist, Ditzy's daughter Dinky, Snips and Snails, Bee Bop, and Berry Pinch.
Everypony danced to the music that Vinyl played with her overly large amplifiers. Paul lightly bobbed his head to the beat as he walked through the crowds of ponies. “Yeah… yeah this is the shit…” He muttered sneakily as he looked to the small canteen of 100% pure cider. This particular cider was AJ’s special cider that she kept in the cellar… out in the woods… with ‘KEEP OUT’ signs posted on barbwire fences. "Only thing's she's missing are land mines." he thought to himself before chuckling. "Hmmmm....I wonder.....huh, the things that some guys do for a buck."
He paced up to the beverage table where several ponies conversed. As Paul pointed in a random direction he yelled out “LOOK, AN OBVIOUS DISTRACTION!”. To his statement, everypony looked and Paul hastily poured small portions of cider into each jug, all the while thinking ‘They always fall for that one.’
Just as he finished some ponies looked back to where Paul had recently been, only to see that he was no longer there.
“HEY PAUL!” Thorn yelled. Paul looked over just in time to see the water balloon that smacked him in the face. The balloon burst and quickly covered his body. Paul looked to his own body and then to Thorn.
“What are we? Five?!” Paul asked in an irritated voice but then suddenly a hoof tapped his shoulder. He turned only to find his lips connected to those of Apple Bloom’s. She pulled back from the kiss and gave him a wink.
“He ain’t all there…” She told him and he smiled as he gave her a hug.
A low rumbling could be heard as a Shelby Cobra pulled up in front of Sugar Cube Corner. “JOE’S HERE!” Thunder Shot yelled out. Paul pushed his way through the crowd and to the door.
Just as he reached the door, it swung open and the theme song to ‘The Good, The Bad and The Ugly’ echoed through the party. Joe stood in the doorway with a dark brown duster, black Stetson cowboy boots on, and Scootaloo standing next to him but with more casual clothes on. The music quickly faded as he gave everypony a wave.
‘That guy always knows how to make an entrance…’ Paul thought to himself as he extended his still wet right hand to shake Joe’s. “HEY JOE!” Paul said in a bubbly voice. Joe went to shake his hand, but just as their hands connected, 25,000 volts traveled through Joe’s body and made his eyes go wide as his body shook.
Paul pulled away his hand and waved his zapper for Joe to see. “Like it? Flam made it for me, it’s basically a stun gun in a hand zapper…” Paul began and Joe smirked.
“Yeah that’s really… SOMETHING!” He laughed as he grabbed Paul’s hand and jabbed it into his neck. Due to his soaked body, the electrical current felt like it had doubled and sent Paul careening backwards and crashing onto the dance floor, knocking several ponies aside.
Smoke rose from his now dry shirt as he whispered to himself, “Holy shit…”. Joe walked over with a smirk and Paul looked up to his lumbering friend. “Okay… okay, you got me… hey help me up would you?” Paul asked as he extended his left hand.
Joe reached down and went to help him up, only to realize that Paul had a second zapper on his other hand. He twitched as the second zapper sent an incredible shock through him. Joe reached down and grabbed Paul by the neck, grounding him out and giving him a taste of his own medicine.
Seconds later, both men were sent in opposite direction with a bolt of lightning connecting both of their bodies. Simultaneously they held their own heads and muttered, “The fuck was that…” and looked to where they had recently been, only to see Dinky bouncing on a small thunder cloud, dancing to the music and sending non-lethal yet painful bolts of electricity shooting about wildly. "Not even a pegasus and it still ends up being case of 'Like Mother, like Daughter." Paul chuckled.
Paul and Joe stood up and walked over to each other. Paul removed the fried hand zapper’s and extended his hand. “Funny seeing you here…” He chuckled and they grabbed each other and pulled themselves in for a man hug.
“Good to see yah Joe, didn’t think you’d make it for a…FUCK!” Paul hissed.
Joe pulled back from the hug as he chuckled, “Wouldn’t make it for a fuck? That’s a new one…” He trailed off as he turned to see a few ‘additional’ guests at the doorway. "I don't recall you being on the guest list Tiara." Joe muttered coldly. "Why don't you and your thugs fuck off? And when you get to where you fucked off to, fuck off from there."
"Hey, you don't talk to Ms. Tiara like that!" One of her bodyguards shouted.
"I believe he can talk to her however he wants." Scootaloo said while taking a stand next to Joe.
"Shut your mouth Featherbrain, or I'll knock your block off again!" Tiara shouted at her.
"An then ah'll have tah knock yah on yahr prissy ass again!" Apple Bloom shot back as she took a stand next to Scootaloo.
"You'll have to add me in as well." Sweetie Belle pitched in as she stood next to Apple Bloom. "That's it! You skanks are gonna get it now!" One of the thugs boomed as he moved toward the group.
"HEY!!!" Paul yelled as he stood beside Sweetie Belle. “Actually let me stand… here” He said as he scrunched in beside Apple Bloom.
Tiara gave him a cold glare but then he made his next move. Everybody looked at him as he walked right up to Tiara and looked her dead in the face. "Let me get this straight, you think you can walk in here like you own the fucking joint, and screw up MY party!? The party that Pinkie Pie worked her ass off to set up!?
"Actually my flank did come off earlier today, but I got it back on with some tape." Pinkie spoke up. Everybody paused and gave her a weird look.
"Disturbing images aside, you really think you can do this Tiara? Huh? Is that it!? IS THAT WHAT YOU THINK YOU CAN FUCKING DO!?" He roared as he got right in her face.
"Get away from Ms. Tiara you runt!" One of the thugs snarled as he moved closer.
"Let me ask you a serious question pal....." He said as he looked up from Tiara to look at him. "What's the difference between your mom and a washing machine?" Paul asked in a smug tone of voice.
"What!?" The thug angrily replied.
"When I dump a load in the washing machine, it doesn't follow me around for three weeks." Paul said with a grin.
"WHY YOU LITTLE!" The thug growled as he moved in to strike Paul.
"No." Tiara spoke up. "Don't hit him. I like him when he gets this way." Tiara ordered in a sultry voice as she sauntered up to Paul and stood on her hind legs to be on par with him. "I like it when colts get angry." She said before she immediately gave him a lustful kiss on the lips causing him to stand still in shock as the rest of the crowd gasped.
"GET YAHR DIRTY LIPS OFF MUH MAN!" Apple Bloom screamed as she lept forward and swung around, before bucking Tiara off of Paul and into a wall.
"GET THEM!" Tiara yelled to her thugs. One of the thugs slammed Apple Bloom with a furious punch, sending her crashing into Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle.
Paul immediately grabbed the thug and looked him dead eyes before saying, "You just fucked Celestia’s lap dog, you son of a bitch!"
"You're damn right." Joe boomed as he came up on the thug.
"Ditto." Pipsqueak replied as he and Joe reared back and slammed a punch into the stallion at the same time Paul did. The triple punch sent the stallion flying into a table, his momentum and weight shattering it into several pieces and the splinters painfully stabbing into his back.
The rest of Diamond Tiara's thugs converged on the three before the rest of the football team jumped in to assist. Immediately the groups converged on each other.
Two thugs jumped towards Paul who looked frantically for an improvised weapon. “HEY LOOK! AN OBVIOUS DISTRACTION!” He yelled. Both stallions looked back then to each other, but as they looked back to Paul, their minds went black as he smacked both of them over the head with a frying pan, echoing the room with a distinct ‘DONG’ sound.
He smiled briefly but his moment of triumph was interrupted when he was slammed in the back of the head by a rolling pin, wielded by one of Tiara’s larger thugs. “Ow… okay that one fucking hurt…” He began but just before he could stand, the thug stepped on his back and began relentlessly beating the back of Paul’s head.
Suddenly two hands grabbed the thug and a voice whispered into his ear. “Do you think you can fly? I think you can fly!” Joe hissed before he hurled the thug through the front window, his body crashing into the windshield of Joe’s muscle car.
“MY FUCKING CAR!” Joe yelled, only to be cut off as a bat struck the back of his head, knocking him to the floor as stars blurred his vision. “Oh mama rock me…” He muttered in a dazed voice.
The thug raised the bat to finish the job but as he did a feminine voice called out. “Hey thug!” The thug looked over just as two hind hooves bucked him in the groin, sending him tumbling back and gasping for air. “Grow those back!” Sweetie Belle laughed.
She reached down to help Joe up, but as she bent over, one of Tiara’s posse spun her around and clocked her in the face, busting her lip. He went to cock back for a second hit but as he did, a hand shot out and broke his arm in several places. “Stallions don’t hit mares…” Joe hissed as he began to charge their bodies towards the wall.
But rather than stop, he simply plummeted their bodies’ right through the wall, shattering it to pieces and slamming the thug’s body into the ground before looking to his car. It was going to need a serious makeover before the night was done.
Two thugs cornered Paul and he pointed while he yelled out, “LOOK! AN OBVIOUS DISTRACTION!” But this time it didn’t work. “Shit…” He muttered as he grabbed a glass bottle and waved it at the duo.
“That’s right bitches, I… fight… DIRTY!” Paul yelled as he rose the bottle above his head and smashed it off the corner of a counter. The bottle however, simply smashed apart into millions of glass shards, leaving only the neck of the bottle in Paul’s grasp.
He looked to the bottle and swore to himself. “Shit… well that didn’t work as planned.” Just as he finished his statement, the duo charged him and Paul slashed the jagged bottle neck into one of the thugs’ face.
The thug screeched in pain as he fell to his knees and Paul drove a furious kick into his face, sending him crashing into the glass display counter. The second thug looked to Paul who grabbed another bottle. “I got bottles to spare bitch!” He laughed and the second thug raced out of the building.
Paul chased after him and as he reached the doorway, he witnessed Joe plowing two thugs through the windshield of his Toyota Hilux. “HEY! THAT’S MY FUCKING TRUCK YOU ASSHOLE!” Paul yelled.
Joe looked to him and shrugged. “What? My car’s done.” Joe replied. Paul glanced to Joe’s car to see it smeared with blood and fur, along with every window knocked out.
Paul sighed as his head drooped. “I was talking to the thugs…” He muttered just before he was nearly knocked off his feet by a mob sized crowd. “HEY WATCH WHERE YOU’RE FUCKING GOING…...OH FUCK A DOODLE DOO!” He trailed off as he realized it was just about every thug Tiara had brought.
Paul and Joe stood up and watched as the football team charged the rest of the thugs. The two teens looked to each other than shrugged before joining the charge just before the two groups collided and......
(Music Ends)
"AND STAY OUT SCUM!" Paul yelled as he, Joe, and the football team finished throwing out the last of the beaten and bruised thugs before slamming the door.
"Hey....Where the hell did Tiara go?" Paul inquired only to see Pinkie Pie finish shoving Tiara into a small box and slamming the lid shut. "Okay.....did Pinkie just shove Diamond Tiara into a box the size of a printer?" he said to nobody in particular.
"Yeah you're not imagining that dude, we all saw that as well....." Joe said in surprise with the other guests nodding in agreement..
Pinkie stood there grinning like the Cheshire Cat as Paul walked over and opened the lid of the box only to find that it was completely empty. He looked at Pinkie who still had a silly grin on her face as the result of a combination of intoxication and just being Pinkie Pie. He turned around to face Joe and the rest of the guests before saying, "And like that......" before bringing his hand close to his face and blowing into it, moving his fingers apart, "She's gone....."
Joe chuckled at Paul's joke while everybody stood not knowing what he was referencing. "Well that was an interesting turn of events." he said.
"Hey! Hey! Hey! I thought this was a party!" Paul said as he ran over to where Vinyl and the sound system were set up and turned up the music. "LET'S DANCE!!!" He yelled as he pulled a cord that Pinkie had set up releasing confetti on the crowd as they cheered.
And with that, the night truly began. Moments later Paul pulled Joe over to where the drinks were located. "Hey Joe! C'mon let's do some shots!" He said as he poured some vodka into a couple of shot glasses.
"I don't know man...." He said as he picked up the glass.
"Wow! The guys are right! You're a bigger chicken than your fillyfriend!" He said laughing.
"HEY!" Scootaloo interjected.
"Yeah, need to adjust the stick there Joey!?" Dandelion shouted as he downed a shot.
Paul and the rest of the football team started making clucking sounds much to Scootaloo's consternation until Joe finally rolled his eyes and downed the shot in one gulp.
"YEAHHHHH!!!" They all shouted as Paul downed a shot himself before passing them around to the girls and handing another one to Joe.
"All together now!" Paul said as the girls shrugged and drank at the same time as everybody else.
Apple Bloom coughed after downing her shot for a few moments before Paul slapped her on the back and said, "This ain't your family's hard cider Angel Face. This has bit more kick to it."
The night continued on from there as everybody continued to drink and dance to the music. The football team managed to get pretty friendly with a few of the fillies. Dandelion managed to pair up with Dinky Doo, Revy with Twist, Thunder Shot with Bee Bop, and Tanner with Berry Pinch while Joe danced with Scootaloo, and Paul with Apple Bloom. They all continued to dance and make out while Snips and Snails were getting up to their usual antics while managing to bust a move quite well.
(Music Ends)
* * *
Paul sighed deeply as he took another sip of his coffee and looked everybody over again. "They all look so peaceful, so serene.......I should fix that." he said cheerily as he walked over to where the sound system was. Picking up a small key he inserted it into a slot and turned it enabling the power switch. He promptly flipped it to the 'ON' position before doing the same with a number of other switches and turning a dial labelled "Master" all the way to max before doing so with two other dials labelled "Primary Driver" and "Overdrive" causing all the measurement readers to flick to the far right off the scale. He plugged in an electric guitar that had been laying around into the AUX slot. As he picked it up Joe started to stir from the sound of the overloaded amplifier. . He looked up just in time to see Paul give a wicked smile before yelling, "HELLO CLEVELAND!" and brought a guitar pick down on the strings.
The resulting sound blast blew Paul forward and caused everyone to nearly leap out of their skin as they awoke. Joe immediately lept up causing Scootaloo to go flying into the pile of cake that Pinkie Pie had just pulled her face out of. Sweetie Belle and Pipsqueak ended up falling off of the counter. Apple Bloom shot straight up from the beanbag and embedded her hooves in the ceiling and chattered her teeth. Revy shot straight up sending the large pile of furniture flying. Thunder Shot fell off of the couch he was on, Tanner shot straight up and rolled off of the mattress taking the saran wrap with him, and Dandelion ended up accidentally knocking over the pet carrier he was in. Paul landed in a chair in front a set of shelves causing the shelves to tip forward and dump their contents on him. Everybody looked as well as they could in the direction of where Paul had been blown into as he groaned and rose out of the pile in the chair before dusting himself off. "Woah." he said as he looked at the blown out amplifier. A moment later a piece of the amplifier dropped down to the floor. "Rock and roll." he said before noticing that everyone was looking at him. "Good Morningggggg." He said in a sing song voice.
"Paul? What the hell was that abo.." Joe said before noticing that Scootaloo was loudly saying something muffled and attempting to free herself from the large pile of cake.
"Nice going Joe! We were almost the first Americans to put a Pegasus into orbit." He said with a smile.
"Shut up and help me pull her out of there!" He yelled as he grabbed one of Scootaloo's hind legs.
"Comin'!" Paul said as he struggled to get out of the chair and tripping over the spilt items. He quickly made his way over to Joe and grabbed Scootaloo's other hind leg.
"One, Two, Three, Go!" They said in unison before they tugged hard on Scootaloo's hind legs free here from the pile, but sending speeding into Pinkie Pie, making contact with the pot on her head and causing a large ringing sound.
"Two in the pot, ready to go! We be fast and they be slow!" Paul joked as Joe shot him an irritated look before going to check on Scootaloo.
"Scoot's, you okay?" he said as kneeled down and picked her up. He paused and looked at her vandalized face to read what it said. "Scoot, why does face have the words "Chicken $2.99\lb" written on it?"
"Wha? Why does your face say ‘Ball Vac’ on it?" she asked him
"Why am I wrapped up in plastic wrap like a mummy?" Tanner asked as he freed himself from the plastic chrysalis.
"Was I sleeping on that couch there?" Thunder Shot asked.
"Was there a giant pile of furniture on top of me a moment ago?" Revy asked.
Pipsqueak and Sweetie Belle noticed their position and quickly stood up heavily blushing. "Why are we are covered in flour?" Sweetie Belle asked.
"Yeah, I look like a phantom or something." Pipsqueak added.
"Ughhhhh....stop the ringing......what happened?" Pinkie groggily asked as she removed the pot from her head. "Pac Man Fever? What's that supposed to mean?" She said as she looked at the vandalism on her body.
Everybody turned and looked at Paul who was barely containing a fit of laughter at everything that had happened.
"Paul........What did you do?" Joe asked.
"Oh.....I may have decide to commit a little deviltry last night.....I got a tell you, you guys are really funny when you're loaded." he said laughing.
"You did what!? Oh......Paul....." Joe said as he facepalmed. "And I'm guessing your responsible for all the shenanigans out here as well?"
"Maybe......." Paul replied with a smirk. "Hey where's Apple Bloom?" he said looking around.
"Uu-u-up he-he-here." She stuttered.
Paul looked up at the ceiling to see Apple Bloom with her hooves dug into the ceiling so tight it looked like cracks were starting to form around her, her teeth chattering at full bore.
At this Paul lost it. "BWAAAAA HA HA HA!" he laughed as he fell on his back. "OH HO HO HO! YOU’RE KILLING ME! MURDER! OH HO! MUR-DUR! Is it Apple Bloom or Claude Cat!?" He said before getting to his feet.
"Very funny Paul, now help mah down from here!" she shouted in an irritated tone of voice.
"All right, all right, don't get your panties in a knot. Just relax your hooves and I'll catch you." he said as he took a position underneath her and held out his arms.
At this Apple Bloom did as he said and relaxed her hooves. She immediately dropped into Paul's arms. He looked at her and said, "Looks like today's forecast is cloudy with a chance of falling apples." with a smirk before giving her a kiss and setting her down.
Apple Bloom gave him a half-hearted shove while he just chuckled about the situation. "So, you guys remember much from the party?" Paul said to the rest of the ponies and Joe.
"I remember Snips and Snails breakdancing and swinging from the light fixtures." Scootaloo stated.
"I remember Pipsqueak saying that his eyes were puzzle pieces." Sweetie Belle added.
"I think you got up on the stage and sang Sussudio." Joe said.
"Uhhhhh......I did what now?" Paul asked in a surprised tone before pinching the bridge of his nose. "Oh.....yeah....now I remember......"
* * *
"Hey, hey, hey, I've....I've got a good idea." Joe said in a slurred voice as he downed a bottle of beer. "Have Paul sing a song."
"Yeah, that...sounds cool. Pipsqueak said as he wobbled around.
"No, no, no, I'm only singing two things: Jack and Shit, and Jack left town." Paul said.
"Awww....come on Paul. I'm sure Apple Bloom would like you to sing something for her." Joe said as he pushed an intoxicated Apple Bloom up to him. "You guys want Paul to sing something?" Joe shouted to the rest of the guests. "YEAH!!!" the rest of the guests shouted in reply. "
"Please Paul?" Apple Bloom said in a sultry voice as she got on her hind legs and wrapped her fore hooves around his neck as she looked into his eyes.
He had wanted to say no but he found himself unable to do anything that could possibly upset the filly standing before him. "All right fine, I'll sing." he said. She responded by giving him a kiss on the lips causing the rest of the guests to cheer.
Paul made his way up to where the sound system had been set up and picked up a microphone. Speaking into it, he said "Okay everybody this is a song called 'Sussudio', from where I come from. Hope you enjoy it." he said as he plugged his phone into the system and started the music . Before he started, He took a quick nip of a voice altering potion to sound like Phil Collins and thought 'Here goes nothing.....' before he began to sing.....
There's this girl that's been on my mind
All the time, Sussudio oh oh
Now she don't even know my name
But I think she likes me just the same
Sussudio oh oh
Oh if she called me I'd be there
I'd come running anywhere
She's all I need, all my life
I feel so good if I just say the word
Sussudio, just say the word
Oh Sussudio
Now I know that I'm too young
My love has just begun
Sussudio oh oh
Ooh give me a chance, give me a sign
I'll show her anytime
Sussudio oh oh
Ah, I've just got to have her, have her now
I've got to get closer but I don't know how
She makes me nervous and makes me scared
But I feel so good if I just say the word
Sussudio just say the word
Oh Sussudio, oh
Ah, she's all I need all of my life
I feel so good if I just say the word
Sussudio I just say the word
Oh Sussudio I just say the word
Oh Sussudio I'll say the word
Sussudio oh oh oh
Just say the word
As the music finished everybody stood in awe for a moment before erupting in a huge wave of applause. Apple Bloom jumped up and kissed him deeply causing the cheering to increase. Joe ran up and said, "Dude, that was awesome! You sounded exactly like Phil Collins!"
"Thanks Joe. And thank you Apple Bloom." He said in Phil Collins voice.
"Wait....why do you still sound like him?" Joe asked.
"Oh I took a nip of this voice altering potion Twilight gave me. I frequently use them when on jobs to keep my identity muddled." He said in his continued accent. Joe frowned.
“We’re the only humans in Equestria… and you call me dense…” Joe chuckled.
Paul raised his hand with his index finger as if to give a lesson. “Joe my friend, when you become as famous as me, you’ll need to disguise your voice…” Paul muttered, not even thinking before he spoke.
Joe smirked, “Why? So your fans don’t realize that you sound like a prissier version of Justin *hiccup*… Bieber?” Joe teased drunkenly. Paul cocked back for a friendly punch but ended up losing balance and crashing to the floor.
Joe staggered back while he laughed but ended up toppling over and crashing down on the beverage table. Scootaloo became a little frisky as she staggered over to her very special somebody and collapsed on top of him.
“Do you know what I’m thinking?” Scootaloo asked with arousal in her voice. Joe shook his head. “I’m thinking… we should fuck…” Scootaloo laughed in a squeaky and drunk voice.
“But Scoots… ponies are here…” Joe interjected.
“Fuck em… let em watch you fuck… me…” Scootaloo mumbled as she gave Joe a sloppy kiss, but partly way through the kiss she simply began snoring and passed out. Joe quickly followed.
Paul had been watching with great interest but then chuckled as he realized that they were both passed out. Without looking to Apple Bloom he began, “Damn… now that’s got me in the… what the fu…” He began as a damp wetness touched his face.
He looked to see that Apple Bloom had also passed out and was drooling on his face. He groaned to himself as he stood up and walked her over to a beanbag chair and set her down.
As he looked around he saw that everybody else minus the football team, Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo, Joe, Apple Bloom, and Pinkie Pie had gone home by now. He looked at the remaining ponies and Joe as the slept. As he did he got a devilish grin that splayed from ear to ear. “Indeed… oh, yes indeed…” He said with a devilishly evil grin.
* * *
"Well............that was gratuitous." Paul said as he sighed at his recollection. Although it was cool remembering how I got all of you." Paul said before everybody started snickering. "What? What's so funny?" He said.
"Your lower back!" Thunder Shot laughed.
Paul looked in a mirror to see that some had written "Maximum Occupancy: 1" on the small of his back. "Okay! Who's the wise ass who did this?" He looked over to see Pinkie Pie giggling. "Alright, I'll give you that one Pinks." he said as he went over to clean off the graffiti on his body.
"HEY!" Dandelion yelled from inside the pet carrier causing everyone to look at him before he began speaking in calm tone. "I know you guys have been through a lot since last night, but when you find the time, I'd rather not spend the rest of this day STUCK IN THIS FUCKING PET CARRIER!!! Dandelion yelled angrily.
"Oh shit! Sorry dude!" Joe yelled as he ran over and opened the pet carrier allowing Dandelion to free himself from his confined prison.
"What time is it?" Paul said as he looked at his watch which read, "9:00 A.M." "C'mon Joe. We need to get some new windshields and take the girls back so we can get to work." Paul said as he started escorting Apple Bloom out the door.
"What about the mess?" Joe said as he and everybody else minus Pinkie Pie filed out the front door.
"What mess?" Paul said
Joe looked back to see that everything had been cleaned up and put away. "Damn Pinkie works fast!" Joe exclaimed.
"She's an institution alright. C'mon, let's get going." Paul said.
Everybody said goodbye to each other before going their separate ways. The football team went to their homes while Sweetie Belle went home with Pipsqueak. Joe, Scootaloo, Apple Bloom, and Paul got in their respective vehicles and drove to Flim and Flam's to get their windshields changed out before dropping off Scootaloo and driving off to work at Sweet Apple Acres.......
Author's Note
I have returned!
The T-Shirt:
I Once Was Lost, But Now Am Found
"Goddamn those windshields cost a pretty penny." Paul muttered regretfully as the truck rolled along the road to Sweet Apple Acres, Joe following close behind in his car.
"Ah don't even understand why yah ever worked fer them." Apple Bloom said in reply. "Ah mean they tried tah swindle mah family out a our home and livelihood."
"Yeah, I saw that episode." Paul replied
"What?" she asked while giving him an odd look.
"Nothing." He said quickly. "I see what you're saying. They have learned to mellow out lately and cut Lex Luthor a check."
"What's that supposed tah mean?"
"It means they learned that they could have made killing if they'd just offered you guys a fair deal instead of low balling you and then trying to steal the farm out from underneath you guys."
"How'd they learn that?" Applebloom asked with a raised eyebrow.
"Me. They've made a killing off of creating stuff from my world. Something to do with using magic to recreate things I've seen and know about, I don't know the specifics and I don't really care. Long and short of it, I'm the biggest gold mine they've ever had. They could have done the same thing with Joe but he wasn't really interested. Their biggest killing is in arm sales, especially to the Griffon Nation Military. Hell, they practically are the military over there. Now they've got R&D making a trigger that doesn't require fingers, so they can start selling to Equestria. Anyway, that was some party, wasn't it?"
"Yeah, except when yah woke me up with that guitar." She said giving him a slight shove.
"Oh come on! That was funny! You should have seen how you looked, in fact you can! Here." He said, pulling out his phone and showing her the picture of her clinging to the ceiling, teeth chattering.
"Yahr such a pain in the plot!" She scowled playfully, weakly slapping at his arm.
"Thank you." He replied, giggling as he pulled in front of the house with Joe parking up right behind him.
Joe stepped out of his car at this point and walked over to the two. "Morning Apple Bloom. You're looking good this morning.....all things considered." He said furrowing his brow at Paul.
"I regret nothing!" Paul exclaimed in response.
Joe shook his head at his friends silliness before he looked down at the license plate and noticed that is was a 1980's
"You put your name on your license plate?" Joe asked.
"Yeah, you just now notice that?" Paul replied.
"Huh, my mom used to do the same thing with my underwear." Joe replied recalling a near forgotten memory.
"Your mother put license plates in your underwear? How did you sit?" Paul said with a serious expression on his face before laughing at his joke. At this Joe started laughing himself and Apple Bloom soon joined in, not because she understood the joke but because of the simple fact that laughter is infectious.
At that point the front door to the house opened and Applejack stepped out on to the front porch.
"Mornin' Y'all!" Applejack called out to the group.
"Morning Applejack!" Joe called to her.
At this Paul made a loud whinny sound.
Applejack's gaze turned to Paul and soured slightly before speaking to him, "Paul, could yah come in here? Ah need to talk to yah." Applejack said in a tense tone of voice before walking back inside the house.
"That doesn't sound ominous at all." Paul said sarcastically. "Be right back guys." He said giving Apple Bloom a peck on the cheek before starting to walk inside.
"Famous last words!" Joe yelled at him.
"Thanks for the vote of confidence Chuckles! By the way, if I do die, don't touch my stuff!" He yelled back to his friend before walking inside. He quickly opened the door again to yell out to him, "It's booby trapped!"
Joe gave smirk before Apple Bloom gave him a shove and an unamused look. "What?" Joe asked before getting another shove.
Paul walked into the main hall and looked around but saw nobody in the room. "Honey...I'm Home." Paul muttered quietly to himself. "Weird. Feels like I just walked into the Spencer Mansion or the Raccoon Police Department.” He mused to nobody in particular. "Hello!? Applejack? If you're trying to pull a jump scare on me.........it'll probably work, I'm sensitive to that stuff." He called out as he continued to search.
All of a sudden, a swivel office chair that he had failed a spot check on, swung around to reveal Applejack sitting in it with her fore hooves pressed together. "Hello Paul......." She said in an icy tone.
Paul jumped for a moment before quickly regaining his composure. He didn't want to look weak in front of anybody, least of all Applejack. "Nice trick with the chair there Blofeld. All you need now is puffy white cat for you to stroke. Why don't you ask Rarity? I'm sure she'll lend you Opal." He told her, before chuckling at his own cleverness.
"Ah'm not even gonna pretend tah understand what yer talking bout, but ah'll write it off as one a yer human jokes." She huffed with little change in her expression.
"Funny, my mom said something similar to that." Paul replied as he grabbed an Apple out of the fruit bowl that was lying on the dining table. He took a bite before taking a seat on the couch near Applejack then took another bite of the apple. "So, what's swingin' Jackson?"
"From now on ah want start seeing more of yah here on the farm." Applejack said as she sat down at the table.
"Okay, I'll gain weight." Paul said with a smirk before taking another bite and swallowing.
"You're very funny Paul." She replied in a sarcastic tone.
"Thanks Applejack. I try to be." He snickered as he took yet another bite of the apple.
"Ah've come to accept Apple Bloom's choice on her very special somepony… even though ah still think she's making a big mistake. She still has her heart set on you." She continued.
"And I her." Paul replied.
"But...if YOU are going to be in a relationship with my kin, then yahr going to start pulling more weight around here." She said with a small ghost of a devilish grin forming on her face.
"Such as?" Paul inquired.
"Ah want you working here every single day of the week." She reiterated.
Paul laughed a few times before speaking again, "Uh....Applejack, don't you think you're being just a little bit obsessive about this now? I pull plenty weight around here, pretty much on par with Joe. So what exactly do you want?"
"Ah want you working here every single day of the week. Joe doesn’t have tah work around here as much as he does. He ain’t datin muh sister." She replied.
"I think you're forgetting something AJ, I don't just have this job as my source of income. I work as a fixer and I do some for Flim and Flam." Paul said.
At the mention of their names, Applejack tensed up before speaking, "Ah am well aware of your....OTHER sources of employment....but if yah want tah be in a relationship with Apple Bloom, yah need my approval. So it seems ah have something to say about what you do and where you go with her."
"Applejack......" Paul said as he got up and paced about before turning to look at her. “If you think that by threatening me you can get me to be your slave... Well, that's where you're right." Applejack smirked slightly at this. "But… I am only saying this because I care. There are a lot of decaffeinated brands on the market today that are just as tasty as the real thing."
"I'm not kidding, Paul." She said in a serious tone.
"Neither am I, Applejack." Paul replied in a matching tone.
The two looked at each other for a short period before Applejack spoke up again, "Well then, yahr assignment for today is to take down a couple of diseased trees out in the orchard. Big Mac's out there right now trying to get them down and he hasn't had much luck. I want you to take care of it." She said with a small grin.
"Yes mam." He said before starting to walk outside.
"Oh Paul.....Before you do that, could you send Apple Bloom in here? Granny needs her help." Applejack stated.
As the door shut behind him, Applejack chuckled to herself slightly. "That'll keep that bag of ponyfeathers busy all day." She said before giving another evil chuckle.........
"Wow. You managed to have a conversation with Applejack without having things broken or shots fired. Let's give him a big hand!" Joe called to him with a few claps of his hands.
"Bite me muscle head." Paul said with playful smirk.
"So what did muh sis want with yah?" Apple Bloom inquired.
"Well she can't get me out of your life so she's taken to passive aggressive tactics." Paul replied while walking over to the passenger side of his truck, reaching through the window and grabbing a carton of cigarettes from the glove box. He brought one up to his lips before opening his zippo lighter and pushing down on the wheel.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Joe inquired.
"It means..." He paused to light his cigarette before flicking the lid of the lighter closed and placing it in his pocket. "That Applejack is going to have me working here every single day of the week from now on." Paul replied matter-of-factly.
"What!? She can't do that!" Apple Bloom cried.
"Yes she can, AB. She is my boss......and apparently....now the bane of my existence." he said before chuckling and inhaling and exhaling.
"That does it! Ah'm going in there and givin' her a piece of mah mind!" Apple Bloom scowled she stormed towards the house.
Paul grabbed her and spun her around to face him. "Don't." He said in a commanding voice.
"But she can't get away with this! She..." She said before being interrupted
"Will be dealt with at a later time. For now you need to go inside and help Granny Smith with something. Okay?......" He replied.
"But..."
"OKAY?........." He said again.
"Shoot. All right then, but only because you can sway me easily." She said with a loving grin.
"Atta girl." He said, giving her a peck on the forehead. "Now go on, don't keep your Granny waitin'!" he said before she walked inside the house.
Paul sighed before looking over to his hulking friend. "Hey Joe, could help me for a moment?" Paul said as he began walking over the trees that Applejack had assigned him to cut down.
"Sure, what's up?" Joe replied.
"Applejack wants me to cut down these diseased trees that have been giving Mac a peck of trouble." He said as he continued to walk.
"Yikes! That sounds like an uphill battle." Joe said.
"Tell me about it." Paul replied as he puffed on his cigarette, "Probably phase one of her plan to get back at me for being with Apple Bloom. Hell hath no fury like a pissed off Applejack." He said with an exhale.
"I don't get it man. It's like this whole thing has just set her off." Joe said with a shake of his head.
"Ehhhhh...It's nothing. If I can handle seeing Cthulhu and not completely losing my sanity, I think I can deal with
"Cthulhu? What the hell are you talking about Paul?" Joe asked.
"I'm talking about getting an unwanted eyeful of Mac's package." Paul replied
"Why the hell are you calling his junk, Cthulhu?" Joe asked.
"Three reasons: One, It's shockingly huge. Two, The mere sight of it drives men to insanity, and Three, it probably has some weird doomsday cult worshiping it." Paul said as they started to approach the tree that Big Mac was unsuccessfully attempting to knock over.
"Really?" Joe said in a deadpan tone.
"Hey, it gives a whole new meaning to the phrase: 'In his house at r'lyeh dead cthulhu waits dreaming' because when I saw it, that fucker was awake." Paul said seriously.
"Wow.........I don't know what's more disturbing, the fact that you saw his dick or that fact that you put this much effort into coming up with this." Joe replied
"What are y'all talkin' about?" Mac inquired.
"NOTHING!" Paul and Joe yelled simultaneously.
"Okay then........." Mac said, taken aback by their sudden response.
"So........Mac, ol' buddy ol' pal, what's up with these trees?" Paul replied motioning to the two dead and diseased trees, in an attempt to change the subject.
"Some sort a… magical diseasel has taken hold of these trees and ah can't get them tah drop over nah matter how hard ah buck 'em or whack at 'em." He replied whipping the sweat from his brow.
"Hmmm......" Paul rubbed his chin before examining the trees. After about 45 seconds, he looked up at Mac and Joe. "I think I have something that might be able to bring this down. Joe grab an axe and help Mac make a nice dent in these two. I'll be right back."
"Okay. What are you getting?" Joe asked.
"It's a surprise." Paul said cryptically before puffing on his cigarette some more and walking off.
At this Mac and Joe gave each other a worried look and a shudder before going about their business.
Paul walked back to his truck to get his mystery implement. As he did he began to whistle and then flat sing to himself one of his favorite songs from his childhood:
It's time for Animaniacs
He reached his truck just as he finished singing. He opened the tailgate and hopped in the bed before walking over to the locked container mounted to the front of the bed near the cab. He grabbed his set of keys from his pocket and picked one out before inserting it into the lock and turning it.
5 Minutes Later........
"Here. Let me try mine." They heard Paul say. Mac and Joe turned around to see Paul standing about 100 meters back away from them with a tube in his hands.
"What do yah got there Paul?" Mac inquired to him.
"Why don't you guys come here and take a look!?" Paul called back to the two.
The two shrugged at each other before starting to walk over to him. As they did the tube began to become clearer in detail. "What do you have there Paul?" Joe said in a worried tone.
"This Joe, is Blooper. You might know him by his more common name: The M79 Grenade Launcher." Paul said as he pulled an M406 40x46 mm HE round from his pocket and pressed the locking latch causing the breech to drop down and he inserted the round into the breach before closing it up again with *CLICK!* sound.
"What? Where the hell did you get that? You don't expect me to believe you had that when you first showed up here do you!?" Joe replied incredulously.
"You'd be right about that Joe. Flim and Flam made this beauty for me. Comin' to a military near you!" He said with a chuckle.
"So what exactly does that thing do?" Mac said.
"Well Mac, I think it would be better if I showed you." Paul said as he took a couple steps in front of the two. He flipped up and adjusted the leaf sights then pushed the safety on 'Blooper' forward to the 'FIRE' position. He took aim and muttered to the duo, "You might want to cover your ears guys." Joe did so quickly while Mac did so in a matter that showed he had no idea what was about to happen.
At that Paul pulled back on the trigger and the launcher made a loud 'BLOOP!' sound before the round sped out of the chamber, making contact with the first tree just moments later.
The round exploded against the trunk of the tree with a loud 'BOOM!' Blowing a huge hole section out of the trunk. Both Joe and Mac stood in awe of what just happened. Mac especially considering he had never seen something like this before. Paul pressed on breech release button and ejected the spent casing before inserting a second round. He closed the breech and took aim at the second tree before pulling the trigger and sending the second round screaming toward the tree with another loud 'BLOOP!' The second round blew a large section out of the tree and the combined explosive shock caused both trees to start to fall over.
"TIMBERRRRRRR!!!" He yelled as the trees fell to the ground with a mighty 'CRASH!!!'
Applejack and Apple Bloom came racing outside at this point to see the smoke clearing from the fallen trees. "What in tarnation was that noise!?" Applejack yelled.
"That, was the sound of victory!" Paul exclaimed proudly as he ejected the spent casing and closed up 'Blooper' again.
Dust and debris started settling as Mac took his hooves away from his ears. Joe got a half assed smile that crossed his face while Applebloom stood with a shocked look on her face.
“Time for a smo…” Paul reached for a cigarette but was cut short when Applejack swung him around with a furious look.
“WHAT IN EQUESTRIA WERE YAH TRYIN TAH DO?!” She boomed and Paul looked both ways as if he had no idea what she was talking about. “WELL?!” She boomed again. An piece of burning debris fell beside them and Paul leaned over, pressing his cigarette tip to the burning embers and igniting his smoke.
“Want one?” Paul asked snidely as he waved the toxic fumes in front of her nostrils. Applejack reefed back to strike Paul, who cringed playfully, knowing full well how much it would hurt.
Applejack swung forward as hard as she could just as Paul snickered and closed his eyes. “HEY!” Yelled a voice. Paul stood there, cringing and waiting for the strike to be over with.
After a moment’s time, he slowly opened his left eye, to see Joe grasping Applejack’s wrist. “Just… oh for the love of god…” Joe hissed as he pushed Applejack back. “Paul, one of these days she’s gonna kill you.” Joe muttered before pointing to Applejack.
“You go…” He started as he pointed to Applejack, “Just… go and do whatever it was you were doing. Paul, stop being a fucking smartass for once.”
Paul rolled his eyes, “Okay Mr. Serious… jeez party pooper.” Paul muttered the last part to himself as he began to walk away, Blooper still in his hands.
Joe scowled as he pulled Blooper out of Paul’s hands. “HEY!” Paul scowled.
“Give me this thing… before you take someponies’ eye out.” Joe snarled then looked to Applejack. “Can we please just… no more fighting, for like five minutes.” Joe murmured.
Applejack began walking away, making a comment that Joe should ‘Keep his dog on a leash.’ Joe let out an irritated sigh before tossing the M79 back at Paul.
“What?!” Paul gasped, wondering why his friend was acting so weird all of a sudden.
“I think I have a hangover.” Joe muttered in a depressed tone.
Before Applejack went back inside she yelled back to Paul, "Ah want that field out yonder cleared! It's got the same problem those two trees had! And you aren't using that contraption of yours!" before going back inside and slamming the door.
"Honestly Paul, Ah think yahr delibarately tryin' to piss mah sister off." Apple Bloom added before going back inside.
Paul shrugged it off and walked over to look at the field in the distance that he was supposed to clear. "I've still got a few tricks up my sleeve AJ." He said to himself before pulling out his phone and dialing a number.
"Hey guys, I got a favor I need to ask of you............"
*4 hours later*
Paul came walking back up over the hill to the Apple Homestead where Big Mac, Applejack, Apple Bloom, and Joe were finishing up maintenance on the house. Apple Bloom looked up and saw Paul sauntering up with a smug look of self-satisfaction on his face.
"Hey Paul!" She called out happily as she set down the hammer she was using.
"Yahr done awful fast. Ah'm havin' an awful hard time believing yah managed tah clear that entire field that quickly." Applejack said interrogatively.
"Oh I'm not done yet. In fact they're all still there....but they won't be in about a few minutes..." He said cryptically.
"What do yah mean by that?" Mac asked.
"Yeah, Paul.....what are you up to?" Joe pitched in.
Suddenly something crackled, "Variable, this is Easy Rhino, do you copy? Over."
Paul reached into his back pocket and pulled up a hand held radio. "Just a moment..." He said, holding up his index
"That's a rog!" A different voice said into the radio.
"Brother of mine, I believe I was using the radio." The original voice crackled.. "Flim you always get to use the radio!" The other voice snapped back.
"Wait a minute......Is that those no-good Flim-Flam Brothers!?" Applejack said angrily.
Ignoring her, Paul spoke into the radio, "Easy Rhino maintain proper radio protocol. I say again, maintain proper radio protocol. Now I suggest you get clear of the danger zone. How copy? Over."
"Copy! Everything's good to go! Moving clear of danger zone now! Over." The radio crackled
"Roger that. Notify me when you are clear. Over." Paul said before lowering the radio.
"What are those no good swindlers doing in our field!?" Applejack said as she angrily got in Paul's face.
"They're helping me get ready to take that field of dead trees." He replied calmly with a smile on his face.
"But you've been doing that for 4 hours now. Why are they still there?" Joe asked.
"I'm glad you asked Joe. It's because for the past 4 hours. Flim and Flam have been helping me lay the field with about 400 pounds of 'shit your pants.'" He informed his friend, a grin splaying across his face.
"What exactly do you mean by that?" Mac asked.
Just then the radio crackled, "Variable, this is Easy Rhino. We are clear of the danger zone. Start the music. Over."
"Copy. Keep your heads down boys and enjoy the fireworks! Should be quite a show! They'll be able to see this one in Canterlot! Out!" He said releasing the 'Talk' button on the radio.
"Roger! Smoke 'em! Out!" The radio crackled before falling silent.
Paul reached into his pocket and pulled out a small handheld device. "What meant by that Mac, is that we just finished laying that dead field with about 400 pounds of military grade, magically enhanced Plastic Explosive." He said, grinning all the while. "Actually, it's more like a combination of plastic explosive and napalm, both magically enhanced for that extra oomph. Speaking of which you might want to keep you head down and watch the field." He said, pointing to field he had labored in.
"WHAT!? WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THAT STUFF!!?" Joe yelled incredulously.
"You'd be surprised what Flim and Flam can make!" Paul said as he flicked the arm switch on the detonator.
"What exactly is 'Plastic Explosive' and what's 'Napalm'?" Applebloom asked.
"Let's just say you should take Paul's advice and keep your head down." Joe said as he crouched and pulled Apple Bloom down with him.
Big Mac and Applejack looked worriedly as they complied and ducked down before looking at Paul who was once again wearing his daredevil grin. "BIG ASS TITIES!!" He yelled before pressing the lever on the detonator. *CLICK!*
As the group watched the field, it suddenly lighting up in a huge series of fiery explosions as the charges detonated. A huge shock wave rippled throughout the farm, nearly knocking everybody on their asses as the fireballs grew and combined, almost creating a single mushroom cloud explosion.
"YEAH! THAT'S! MY! SHIT!" Paul yelled as he cackled like a madman at the sight of the explosions. The final charges detonated sending the fireball high into the sky as another shock wave swept across the area. The group could feel the force and heat in their face as the fireball peaked.
"MOTHER NATURE JUST PISSED HER PANTSUIT!" Paul yelled as he continued to laugh and dance around, the explosion finally starting to die down.
At that point everybody else had begun standing up and it was at that time a small piece of wood from the dead field flew through the air and sped through Applejack's hat and pinned it to the barn with a *SPRONGGGG!* Applejack immediately looked back and saw what had happened before turning to look at Paul with a rage filled look in her eye.
"Oh shit." Joe and Mac said at the same time.
Paul quickly looked back and forth nervously before speaking, "And now for my next impersonation......Jesse Owens!" he said before quickly sprinting away, Applejack quickly chasing after him.
Mac looked to Joe who simply sighed. “Aren’t yah gonna help yer friend?” Mac asked, worried for Paul’s well-being.
Joe shook his head, “I told him to stop being a smartass… and besides, I think I feel a migraine coming on.” He muttered.
Author's Note
The M79:
The License Plate Style:
Yes, you've heard right. The Flim Flam brothers have gone from being shady cider salesmen to basically being the guy from Lord of War except they're legitimate.
Find the Young Frankenstein reference!
I Once Was Lost, But Now Am Found
A nasty storm had come in since the events on the farm about 4 hours earlier. At that point Apple Bloom was running as fast as she could through the streets of Ponyville with tears streaming down her face that mixed with the rain water.
She sped down a residential lane before seeing her destination in front of her: A two story white house at the end of the street. She took a deep breath before sprinting with all of her remaining strength to get there………..
Paul was sitting peacefully inside his home, enjoying a bowl of popcorn while he watched an old Wile E. Coyote and Road Runner cartoon. He laughed at how the coyote’s continued efforts to capture the Road Runner were met with implausible failure and plummeting off a cliff.
All of a sudden he heard a loud banging noise on the front door. He immediately looked over at the door and spoke aloud, “Who the hell could that be at this hour?” He muttered as he picked the bowl of popcorn up off of his lap and set it to the side. He grumbled to himself before getting up off the couch and walking over to a nearby closet.
He opened the closet door and reached in for a box with a combination pad lock on it and spun the lock wheels until the read “665” and the lock gave way. ‘Neighbor of the beast’ Paul thought to himself as he opened the box and pulled out a Heckler & Koch VP70. He pressed the mag release button on it, causing the magazine to pop out in order to check the ammunition level.
‘18 rounds, full mag’ He thought before slapping the mag back into the pistol. He racked the slide chambered a round. He walked to the door making sure to keep his gun just out of sight. He quickly grabbed the doorknob and opened the door to be greeted to the sight of Apple Bloom, soaked to the bone with eyes red from crying.
“Jesus Christ! Apple Bloom what the hell happened?” He gasped as he quickly tucked his gun into the back of his pants and led her inside. “What are you doing running around in this weather? You’re gonna catch your death of pneumonia.” He expressed fear for her well-being as he went to the bathroom and brought back a towel to start drying her off with.
“Ah...Ah got into it with Applejack.” She informed him tearfully just as he finished drying her off.
“Shit.” Paul mumbled to himself before he saw Apple Bloom getting worked up some more.
“Hey, hey, hey, it’s alright. I’m here.” He cooed her softly, hugging her while slowly rocking her back and forth, causing her sobbing to settle. “Everything’s going to be fine. Listen, I’m going to make some coffee to warm you up? That sound good?” He asked comfortingly to her. She silently and slowly nodded at his suggestion.
“Alright, I’ll be right back.” He told her with a smile as he got up and went to the kitchen. He pulled out can of coffee grounds and put some in his coffee maker before adding the water and turning on the machine.
About 5 minutes past before he came back to the living room with two mugs of hot coffee and handed one to Apple Bloom.
“No problem. Just call me Jaun Valdez.” He said with a smirk. “Now what exactly happened?” he asked sitting down next to her.
“After yah left the farm, after that explosion….”
“Explosions.” He smiled, correcting her.
“Yeah. Applejack and ah started arguing about what yah were doin’. She said that yah were a bad influence on me. Ah told her she had no right tah be making you do five times the work that everypony else does on the farm and it went back and forth from there. Ah don’t remember specifically but at some point ah ran out of there and towards town. Until ah got here that is.” She informed him.
Paul sighed deeply, “I told you not to confront her about that. This is exactly why.” He said to her.
“Ah know, but the way she was going on about you just got muh blood boilin’.” She replied as tears started to return to her eyes.
“I know Applejack is being unreasonable about all this, and as much as I would like to paint her with broad strokes, I know she’s doing this because she cares about you and doesn't want you to get hurt.” He replied, patting her back.
“The only one who’s hurting me is her.” She wept.
“Look…...This’ll work itself out at some point. I’ll admit I haven’t been helping the situation.”
“That’s puttin’ it mildly.” She said with small smile coming to her face.
“ANYWAY……” he said redirecting the conversation. “This is gonna sort itself out. Now….Fight or no fight, your family’s probably worried sick about you. I’m going to give ‘em a call and let them know you’re alright.” He told her, getting off of the couch and starting to walk to the kitchen.
“What if Applejack answers?” She said worriedly.
“Then I’ll handle it….PROPERLY.” He said, making sure to emphasize the last word.
He walked over to the phone in the kitchen and picked up the receiver. He promptly dialed the number for Sweet Apple Acres. The phone rang for a few moments before the other side picked up.
“Apple Residence.” A masculine voice answered.
‘Thank god, it’s Mac.’ Paul thought before speaking. “Hey Mac? It’s me, Paul. Listen, Apple Bloom just showed up on doorstep about 10 minutes ago. Said she had a fight with Applejack not too long after I left.”
“Eeyup. It was quite an argument. Applejack’s been worried sick since Apple Bloom took off. Looks like she’s really regretting what she said.” The red stallion on the line said.
“Yeah, well I know I’m the source of the problem in this case. I told Apple Bloom not to confront AJ about making me work every day of the week and then I go and blow up half of the orchard in attempt to subconsciously get back at her. I really need to learn to pick my battles.” Paul replied.
“Eeyup.” Mac replied.
“By the way, sorry about all that. Though you gotta admit it was kind of cool.” Paul said.
“Eeyup.” Mac replied.
“Listen…….I think AJ and Apple Bloom could stand to spend the night apart. Let them cool down a bit before they see each other again. She can stay over here for the night and I’ll take her to school in the morning.”
“Ah was thinkin’ the same thing.” Mac replied. “Make sure you take care of her, yah hear?”
“Aye aye, skipper.” Paul replied.
“Well ah gotta tend to AJ. Ah suppose ah’ll be seein’ yah tomorrow.” Mac replied with a chuckle.
“Yeah, and everyday afterwards.” Paul replied in the same manner. “Night Mac.” Paul said.
“Night Paul.” Mac replied before he hung up.
Paul put the receiver back on the phone before walking back over to where Apple Bloom was sitting.
"So who was it?" She asked after taking a sip of her coffee.
"Your brother. Apparently Applejack's been feeling real bad about whatever was said between you two."
"Yeah. Well, Ah'm not feelin' too good about what ah said to her as well." She said remorsefully.
"Well I talked to Mac. He and I agreed that you should stay over here tonight. That sound good?" He asked.
"Yeah......yeah Ah'd like that." She said with a small smile.
"Good. Well… you hungry? I have some macaroni and cheese I made up yesterday?" He offered.
"Yes, please." She replied with a smile.
"I guess we can get that book report done while we eat." He added in, going into the kitchen to get the food.
"Aw shoot! Ah totally forgot about that! How we gonna get it done in time!?" She said.
"It's alright. I've read the book I've chosen already. It'll be fun to read it with you. Won't be a problem to get done."
"What's the book?" She asked.
One of my favorite: Neuromancer. It'll have a lot of unfamiliar stuff in it but I'll guide you through it." He replied going to his bookshelf and retrieving the copy. “Which is good because it has a lot of tech-speak in it.”
“Tech-speak?” Apple Bloom inquired.
“Terminology about human technology. Not to mention the references to the Cold War.”
“What’s that?” She asked
“I’ll tell you when we get to it. Don’t forget we still need to write a summary paper on this.” He said with a grin
“Alright….” She replied, accepting his reasoning.
“Well let’s get reading and writing.” He said with a smile, sitting down next to her with the book as the two began to read………
2 and a half hours later……..
“Well…...that was certainly an interesting book.” Apple Bloom expressed her thoughts of the book as they put the finishing touches on the report.
“Now you can see why it’s one of my all-time favorites.” Paul said with a grin.
“Is your world anything like the book?” Apple Bloom asked.
“Not to the degree presented. I mean my world is highly interconnected through cyberspace via the internet but you can’t actually go inside cyberspace like in the book and you can’t save your mind onto a hard disk….at least not yet. Science Fiction has the funny habit of turning into reality in some form or another back home.” Paul said.
“Wow. Your world sounds really interesting.” Apple Bloom said with a sense of awe.
“Yeah, it is. I wish you could see it…...I wish I could see it again.” He said with pause as a look of slight sadness spread over his face for a moment.
“Paul? You okay?” Apple Bloom asked.
“Hmmm?” He broke from his thoughts for a moment then nodded. “Oh yeah, I’m fine...just a little reflection.” He replied before deeply inhaling. “So! Now that’s done with, how ‘bout a movie?” Paul said masking his previous feelings with a wide smile.
"Sure....that's sounds fun." She replied.
"Alrighty then." He said as he got up and walked over to the entertainment center. He promptly opened a cabinet and brought out a Blu-Ray container labelled "Pulp Fiction".
"What's the movie?" She inquired.
"Pulp Fiction." He replied. "It's an anthology of stories surrounding a group of people over the course of a couple of days." He said as he turned on the TV and inserted the disc into his player.
"Sounds interesting." She replied
"You don't know the half of it. You're in for quite a ride." He said as he sat down next to her as the movie began to play.
"Marvin..What do you make of all this?"
"Man I don't even have an opinion."
"Well you gotta have an opinion! I mean do you think that God came down from heaven and stopped..." *BANG!*
At that moment Apple Bloom's eyes were wide with horror while Paul was laughing his head off at Marvin's unfortunate fate.
"OHH! What the fuck's happening!? Oh shit!"
"Oh man I shot Marvin in the face."
"Why the fuck did you do that!?"
"How can you find this funny!?" Apple Bloom yelled as she shook. "Ah mean some pony just had their head blown off!"
"I'm guessing Equestria isn't big on dark comedy." Paul said as he continued to laugh.
"What's that?" She asked.
"It means you find humor in situations that normally would not be considered funny. Like this." He said
"Ah don't get it." She said
"Just keep watching, it'll come to you." He said as they settled back down and continued watching.
"Oh you ready to blow?"
"Yeah I'm ready to blow."
"Well I'm a mushroom cloud laying motherfucka, Motherfucka! Every time my fingers touch brain, I'm superfly TNT! I'm the Guns of the Navarone! In fact! What the fuck am I doing back here!? You the motherfucka that should be on brain detail! We fucking switchin'! I'm washing the windows and you pickin' up this nigga's skull!"
At that Apple Bloom gave a stifled laugh.
"Was that a chuckle I heard?" Paul said playfully while nudging her.
Apple Bloom blushed bright red at this. "N..No!" She stuttered.
"God you Apples are terrible liars." He said with a grin before nuzzling her cheek and giving her little kisses.
“Ah am not!...Stop that!" She giggled as she got more flustered from his teasing.
"Admit it. You found it funny." He said playfully as he continued to tease her.
"No! Ah.......don't...hmm.." Her voice fell to a whisper.
"Say it.....you like dark humor don't you?" He said with a low voice.
"N.....yes. Yes!" She said with a squeak.
"Told you." He said his voice going back to his normal tone as he backed away from here with a smile on his face.
"Wh...wha?" It was like she was coming out of a trance.
"Knew I'd weasel it out of you. I always make 'em talk." He said with a smirk.
"Yah're such a tease!" She suddenly yelled while beginning to push him.
'Uh oh. Looks like I pissed her off. Gotta pull damage control.' He thought before coming to a snap decision.
The two felt the electricity flow between them as their tongues intertwined. Apple Bloom quietly moaned into the kiss as they continued their waltz of the tongues.
Paul slowly pulled his lips away as their eyes slowly opened. "Better?” He asked with a smile.
"Yeah.....never better." She whispered, her irritation completely vanished along with her worries about herself and Applejack. "Never better."
"Good..." Paul said softly with a smile. "Well, we should finish the movie." He said with an awkward chuckle.
"Yeah..." She responded with the same awkward chuckle.
"Now Yolanda! Yolanda! He ain't gonna do a goddamn motherfucking thing! Vince, SHUT THE FUCK UP!" "So.....what do you think?" Paul asked as he shut off the TV.
"Ah'll admit....it was… kind of funny." She replied with a small smirk.
"There we go.” Paul said with a smile before he looked at his watch. “11:28 P.M.” the digital watch read. “Whelp…” he said as he stood up with a yawn. “Time to hit the sack. Got to get up for school tomorrow.”
“Oh…..where should ah sleep?” she said
“I have a guest room down that short hallway. In my old house it was my older brother’s room until he moved away.” He said as he led her towards it. He opened the door and turned on the light. The room looked just like it did the day he left his home, the bed in the middle, dresser to the left, bookshelf in the back with all his old books that he left behind, and rack of CDs filled with old games and music long forgotten by Kyle.
“We didn't really get along much when we were kids. Of course what can you expect when you’re both six years apart from each other, you know?” He said with a weak chuckle. “He moved to San Francisco when I was 12. He always loved that place, so it figures that’s where he would want to go to college.”
Apple Bloom continued to listen as Paul spoke. As he did she noticed that the look of sadness from earlier was coming back.
“Been a long time…..very long time….” he said trailing off and sniffing. “Anyway!” He said aloud, going back to his old mood. “It’s all made up and ready to go. So I guess this is good night Angel Face.” He told her with a smile, slightly blushing.
“Yeah…..” Apple Bloom said, blushing as well. “Goodnight.” She said as he began to walk out of the room. “Paul.” She called to him, causing him to halt for a moment before looking back at her. “Are yah sure yer okay?” She asked.
“Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine. Just probably got something in my eye. That’s all. I’m good.” He said with a small smile.
“Okay…Night.” She said apprehensively
“Night AB.” He muttered before shutting off the light and walking out of the room.
Apple Bloom sighed for a moment before taking off her shirt and pants which she set on the nightstand. She then got under the blankets on the bed and lay there for a few minutes.
She thought about the sadness that Paul had tried to conceal from her. She still worried about him even though it had been 2 years since he had arrived in Equestria. At the same time she listened to the rain fall outside the window door leading to the deck. The continuous sound of raindrops colliding with the deck and the house slowly but surely caused to fall into slumber……..
Hours Later……….
Apple Bloom flew awake as a flash of lightning tore across the sky followed by a loud ‘CRACK! BOOM!’ of thunder. She looked around for a few moments as she calmed herself down.
Her breathing slowed but she thought she had heard something else beside the thunder and lightning. It almost sounded like… crying?
Apple Bloom got out of bed wearing only her undershirt and panties. She kept quiet as she walked out of the room, down the short hallway and into the entryway where the stairs were. As she listened, the crying she heard was coming from upstairs. ‘Is that...Paul?’ She thought.
Slowly she climbed the stairs and entered the door on her right leading to a bedroom. Within, she walked past a computer desk and a bathroom to see a large bed on which Paul lay, softly sobbing.
“Paul?” She almost whispered.
At that moment Paul quickly looked up and saw her standing at the foot of his bed. “Apple Bloom!” He gasped, trying to quickly compose himself. “What..uhh...what are you doing up here?”
“The bad weather woke me up. Are yah alright?” she asked with concern in her voice.
“Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine.” He lied.
“Paul, ah’m an Apple. Ah can spot when someone ain’t tellin’ me the truth.” She said with a hint of reprimand before going back to a soft voice. “What’s the matter?” She asked softly as she walked over next to him and sat down.
He quickly dropped the act at that point. “I…..I miss them Apple Bloom. I miss my family. I miss my mom, my dad, my brother, my cousins, my grandparents, my friends. Everybody.” He said, nearly in a whisper, as tears began to roll down his face once again.
“I just wish I could see them again. Everyday feels like a dream that I’m just going to wake up from and be back home in my bed.” He said, sniffing all the while. “But I never do wake up.”
Apple Bloom reached over and pulled him into a hug as she gently rocked him back and forth. “It’s alright Paul.” She said softly. “Ah’m sure the Princesses are gonna find a way tah let yah see yer folks again.” She comforted him before thinking of something. “Yer not alone here. Yah got Joe, yah got muh friends, Big Mac, and the rest of the ponies in town as well.” She said before pausing. “Yah also got me. That’s somethin’ ain’t it?” She asked as she looked into his eyes.
Paul sniffed a bit before a small smile came over his face. “Yeah…….yeah that is something.” He said as he began to feel a bit better.
Apple Bloom smiled at him as she continued to hold him.
“Could you stay here with me tonight?” He asked softly
“Of course sugarcube.” She replied, giving him a small kiss before she climbed into the bed and underneath the blankets.
A tired smile came over Paul’s face as he replied. “I love you too Angel Face.” Before the two fell asleep in each other’s embrace.........
View Online
I Once Was Lost, But Now Am Found
I Know What You're Thinking........Is It A Cup Of Coffee?.....Or Is It Speed?
The truck had been speeding down the Ponyville-Oxton Road for 20 minutes, with Paul and Apple Bloom still laughing Diamond Tiara's expression when Paul gave her a peck on the cheek.
Paul couldn't help but think 'She looked just like Patrick from the Spongebob movie.' as he laughed out loud. He pulled his phone again and pulled up the picture he had taken. "Look...Look at it..." he said as he showed her the picture before they began laughing anew. "Oh god.....I gotta stop laughing, I need to drive." he said as he slowly inhaled and exhaled to calm himself.
"That was funny." Apple Bloom said as she slowly stopped laughing. ".....that kiss...." she said as she looked at Paul. The awkwardness of that event had finally reared its ugly head.
At this Paul became uneasy and looked away from her towards the road. "Oh.....yeah....." he paused with Apple Bloom noticing his change in demeanor. "That was a just to push Diamond Tiara's buttons, Apple Bloom. I didn't mean anything by it....." he said.
"Oh......." Apple Bloom said as her demeanor changed to meet Paul's. They sat in silence for about five minutes, the awkwardness being so thick you could cut it with a knife. After the five minutes, Paul spoke up and said in an effort to break the tension, "How about some music?" as he scrolled through his smart phone. "Ooh, The Call. That's good." He said as he selected the song and it began to play over the trucks stereo ....
Well
Well they blew the horns
And the walls came down
They'd all been warned
And the walls came down
They just stood there laughing
They're not laughing anymore
The walls came down
Sanctuary fades, Congregation splits
Nightly military raids, The congregation splits
It's a song of assassins, Ringin' in your ears
We got terrorist thinking, Playing on fears
Oh
Well they blew the horns
And the walls came down
They'd all been warned
But the walls came down
I don't think there are any Russians
And there ain't no Yanks
Just corporate criminals
Playin' with tanks
Die, die, die, die
Yes, come on
Die, Die
Come on, come on, come on
Die, die, wake up
Wake up
Die, die
Go, yeah
Die, die, die, die, die, die
Come on, come on, come on, come on
Die, die
The song ended just as they reached the Ponyville city limits. As the truck pulled into the town, Apple Bloom spoke up, "So....that was interesting music....What is it?"
Paul was glad that topic had shifted, "Oh, it’s called New Wave. It was really popular about 3 decades before I came here. It's sort of like the Punk music that Scootaloo likes to listen to but with a more pop like sound. The bands that were similar to this but had less of a pop sound were called Post-Punk. I was always interested in stuff from the years prior to my birth. You know, music, movies, TV, pop culture in general is something that I really enjoy. I even started calling myself 'Mr. Pop Culture' a few years back."
"That's really interesting. Ah never knew that about yah." She replied.
"Yeah kid.....There's a lot you don't know about me...." he replied rather cryptically which Apple Bloom noticed. "Ahhhh..we're here." he said in a more upbeat tone as he slowed the truck to a stop in front of Sugarcube Corner.
"Thank God Almighty. I really need that coffee." Paul muttered as he got out of the truck with Apple Bloom. "Come on kid, I'll show you what you're missing." As he held the door open for her. "Ladies first..." he said as she walked inside.
The store wasn't too busy, there were only a few customers sitting at tables enjoying their coffee and sweets but no one in line so Paul walked right up to counter where Pinkie Pie was 'manning' her post. "Hi Paul!" she said in usual tone of unrestrained glee.
"Hey Pinks. How's it goin'?" he replied
"I'm fine! Thanks for asking!" She replied
He looked to see that the Cake twins, Pound and Pumpkin standing near Pinkie. "What are the two rugrats doing here? Shouldn't they be in school?"
"Oh, they got into a little mischief at school today. Something involving 20 feet of copper wire, a duck, a can of shortening, a sack of potatoes, a melon, a mannequin hoof, an electric shaver taped to a golf club, a large piece of wet paper, an electric elk called Simon, and several butcher's aprons." she finished with a toothy smile.
Paul and Apple Bloom just stood there with looks of utter shock and confusement on their faces as they looked at Pumpkin and Pound Cake who were both wearing large shit eating grins. "WHAT IN GOD'S HOLY NAME DID YOU TWO DO WITH ALL THAT SHIT!?"
"Language, Paul! They're only ten!" Pinkie told in a semi-scolding tone.
"Dammit, I'm sorry...I mean shit. I mean fuck! I mean cock! I mean balls! I mean shoot!" he cursed as he verbally tripped over his own feet.
Apple Bloom and the Cake twins giggled at how flustered Paul managed to get himself.
"Sorry Pinkie.....Jesus, you two are like Dennis the Menace!" He muttered as Pumpkin and Pound sat with smiles on their faces that said 'we know what happened and we ain't telling.'
"Anyway.....What can I get you two?" she said with her trademark toothy grin.
"Two coffee's, lots of cream, lots of sugar......and an espresso shot." Paul replied.
"Okie Dokie Lokie! Let me just get..." She started before Paul interrupted her.
"Pinkie.....the strong one...." he said ominously.
At this Pinkie froze and her pupils dilated to the point her eyes were almost solid black.
"You mean......*Gulp* THE strong one?" She asked hesitantly.
"The one and only.....I had loooooonnnnggg night last night, Pink. I need the strong one."
Pinkie gulped before zipping away and coming back wearing thick hoof gloves and welder's mask. She began making Paul's espresso shot by pulling out coffee beans and various industrial chemicals. After about 5 minutes, Pinkie brought them their coffees and placed the espresso shot on the counter using a pair of metal grips. Apple Bloom was in shock when she saw a drop of the espresso shot hit the counter and eat its way through the wood.
"Might as well get this out of the way now....." He chuckled as he picked up the espresso shot and downed in one gulp.
"Apple Bloom you might want to step back a bit...." Pinkie told the adolescent mare.
"Why?" she asked before Pinkie grabbed her and pulled her behind the counter. The two watched as Paul stood for a minute before his eyes shot fully open and his face began to twitch.
"What's happenin'?" Apple Bloom asked
"Watch..." Pinkie replied pulling a bag of popcorn out of the hammerspace.
Paul's face shook back and forth before he placed his hands on his face and pushed it down and began speaking in sort a silly high pitched whine. "Mary had a widdle wamb! His fleece was white a snnnow! And evvewywhere that Mawy went the wamb was sure to go!"
His face turned a pale green before he began to start walking in stiff motion similar to a clockwork toy soldier. At this point the other customers in store paused to watch the strange spectacle.
He continued before stopped and screamed at the top of his lungs, "YOU BETRAYED SHIVA!!!! AAAAAAHHHH!!!" before charging at the wall and slamming his head into it, forming a large dent.
Apple Bloom continued to watch in utter shock while Pinkie watched with a look that said that she had seen this scene play out in one form or another many times over. The Cake twins just sat and laughed their little heads off.
Paul pulled his head out of the wall and began walking awkwardly around, and for some reason he began reciting a poem. "Under the spreading chestnut tree, the village smithy stands The smith, a mighty man is he with large and sinewy..." he said before walking into another wall. "hAaAnDs" he said before falling flat on his face.
Everybody in the store just looked at Paul lying on the ground, trying to comprehend what exactly just happened. Apple Bloom looked first at the very large hole in the wall and then to Paul who was still lying still. "Is he okay?" She asked Pinkie.
"Stand back...He's not quite done yet." Pinkie replied.
All of a sudden Paul shot up and screamed at the top of his lungs before hopping over the counter, running into the kitchen and dunking his head in a sink full of water. Pinkie, Apple Bloom, and the Cake twins ran into the kitchen after him. They saw Mr. and Mrs. Cake standing next to Paul as they pulled his head out of the water and dried him off. "What was that!?" Apple Bloom yelled as she tried to understand Paul's unusual behavior.
"That was just a reflex action Apple Bloom, his head will clear up in a moment." Mr. Cake replied as he carried Paul on his shoulder over to an empty table and sat him down.
"Does he always do that whenever he gets 'the strong one'?" Apple Bloom inquired as she sat down at the table with Paul.
"Unfortunately yes dearie, but he's always courteous enough to pay for any damage he causes and he always helps out with the repairs." Mrs. Cake replied as she walked back into the kitchen with Mr. Cake in tow.
Pinkie brought their regular coffee's over to the table and set them down in front of the two. "He'll be okay Apple Bloom!" She said happily. "In fact he should be waking up right....about......now!"
At the same instance Paul shot straight at attention and said, "Damn good coffee!" before sitting back in his seat. "Thanks Pink! You always do make the best coffee!" He said as picked up his cup and took a sip. "Hmmm....Oh looks like I didn't do too much this time. Just a head in the wall. Well, here's the money for the coffee's..." he said as he pulled out his chain wallet and pulled out some bits. "....and....here's for the wall." he said pulling out some more bits.
"Okie Dokie Lokie!" Pinkie said collecting the bits, "See ya tomorrow?"
"You know it, party girl!" he said as he raised his cup to her before taking another sip as Pinkie walked back to her post.
Paul stopped drinking his coffee to see Apple Bloom still staring in awe at him.
"Stopping by during Lunch tomorrow to patch that hole." He told her as he took another sip.
"Are yah okay?" she asked unsurely
"Oh yeah, I'm fine, why do you ask?" He replied
"Well yah did a bunch of weird stuff and put yahr head through the wall. Are yah sure yahr okay?" she asked again
"I'm fine, Angel Face. Trust me. Pinkie and the Cakes made me go to the hospital the first time. Doctor's ran a bunch of tests but they never found any problems or a concussion. Must be getting my daily dose of iron." He chuckled. "Well go on kid, try it! See what you’re missing!" He told her while pushing her cup of coffee towards her.
Apple Bloom hesitantly brought the cup to her mouth before taking a sip. She made face that suggested that she didn't know quite what to think about the drink.
"Ehhhh, it's all right kid. You just got to get used to that taste. Just keep drinking it and you'll be in like Flynn." he said with a smile on his face.
Apple Bloom smiled and took another sip. She never really understood those human turn of phrases he was always using, but then again, Joe was the only one who did and there was an obvious reason for that.
They sat there for about 10 minutes drinking their coffee before Apple Bloom paused to speak. "Paul......about that kiss..." She began before he cut her off.
"Listen kid....... I'm not Joe... I'm not completely clueless as to someone’s...or somepony’s feelings for me. Of course I have the advantage on him because I came here at 17, not 12, but that's beside the point." He said as he took another sip while Apple Bloom sat there hoping that Paul would return her feelings.
He sighed deeply, which caused the small smile on her face to disappear. "Kid........I'm not someone who you want to be with. I'm damn sure your family wouldn't want you with someone like me either. I mean look at me," He said while motioning to himself, "I'm 18, soon to be 19, and already I have a serious drinking problem and I smoke like it’s going out of style." He continued, opening his jacket to reveal a large container of cigarettes in his inside jacket pocket. "I was late for class this morning because I got ridiculously drunk and high last night. I mean for Christ's sake, this morning I threw my Alarm clock at the wall because I couldn't turn it off and then I threw four beer bottles at the same spot." He told her as he looked into Apple Bloom's eyes which were starting to get a little moist.
"Don't get me wrong Angel Face." He said as he wiped away a tear from her face. "It ain't that I don't like you, in fact I think I might even feel the same way about you. But it would never work between us. I'm bad news, I'm no good, I'm 4F, I'm damaged goods.....All I would do is end up hurting you....and I don't want to do that....That's why I got so drunk last night." He said as he looked into her eyes, trying to make her understand. "You're better off finding someone's who good for you and makes you happy…" he said before Apple Bloom quickly grabbed his right hand and held it in her hoof.
"But yah are good for me....and yah do make me happy." She said as tears slowly slid down her cheeks. "I've loved yah ever since yah came here. Seeing yah always managed to make my day feel a little bit nicer." she said.
"Well then why did you hook up with Bane for a while?" He asked
"That was because I didn't think yah noticed and Ah thought I should move on.....but ah can't...Not since ah broke up with Bane and yah saved me in the hallway. Ever since then ah feel safe around yah...." she said as she gently squeezed his hand. "Please....." she said as the tears began to increase. "Don't leave me..."
Paul sighed deeply. If there was one thing that always got to him......It was girls crying. "Alright! Alright! Turn off the waterworks.............We'll give it a try." Apple Bloom responded by quickly jumping across the table and giving him a big hug and kiss on the lips. "Me and my big mouth....... alright kid... now what?"
"Well.... I..... I haven't told Big Mac or Applejack that yah were the one Ah've been pinin' for. And.... they said they wanted to meet whoever it was over dinner." she said in a hesitant tone of voice.
"So they have no idea that their little sister has fallen for the hard drinking, heavy smoking, punk who works in their fields, is that right? Is that what you're telling me?" he said in a sort of sarcastic deadpan.
"Eeyup." she said mimicking her brother.
"Oh....holy Christ wagons. That's going to be one awkward dinner...." He muttered as he sighed. "What am I going to do?"
"PARTY!!!" Pinkie Pie yelled as confetti inexplicably shot everywhere. "Oooh, I'm so excited! We'll call it the 'Paul and Apple Bloom are getting together' party!" she screamed as banner came out of nowhere displaying that text.
"Okay Pinkie, first of all....Where did you get that banner and confetti?.... No wait scratch that, logic and the laws of physics have no meaning around you. Second, No, we don't need the exposure right now." Paul replied
"But..." Pinkie began to say before she was cut-off.
"NO Pinkie." he replied
At this a large popping sound was heard as Pinkie's hair deflated to a flattened state and she began tearing up.
"Oh no, no, no, no. We're not doing that routine again." He said as she continued to whimper. "I don't care. Nothing you say or do is going to make me change my mind." He said as turned away from her and closed his eyes.
He stood there for about five minutes before he spoke to Apple Bloom, ".......She's still making that face and she's about 10 seconds from flooding the place with her tears isn't she?" He said in a deadpan tone.
"Eeyup." she said smiling while once again using her brother's catchphrase and mimicking his voice.
"God fucking damn it...ALRIGHT, Pinkie you can throw a party." he yelled, giving in.
Pinkie's hair shot back to hit natural curliness and her face went back to its perpetual happy look as she began to jump and yell "Yay!!!"
"BUT!" He said suddenly which caused Pinkie to freeze frame in the air. "It can only be after we tell the rest the of the Apple family. Better they hear it from the horse's mouth...oh yeah right." He said pausing. "Well you know what I mean."
"Okie Dokie Lokie!" she squealed as she happily zipped into the kitchen to begin her preparations.
"That girl......is a god damn looney tune." He said as pointed to the door that Pinkie had exited through.
Apple Bloom just giggled at Paul's expression before he looked at his watch. "Oh...Fuck!" He swore "We have 15 minutes to get to class. Why do we have to always cut these things so damn close?"
"Fuck!" They heard a small voice say. They looked over to see Pumpkin and Pound Cake beginning to repeat the new word they learned over and over again. "Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck."
"WHAT IS THAT!?" they heard Mrs. Cake yell from in the kitchen.
"That...." He said while grabbing Apple Bloom's hoof, "Is our cue to leave." He ended his statement just before he zipped out of the store with Apple Bloom.
The two teenagers jumped in the truck and zipped away with Apple Bloom laughing her head off. "Well on the plus side...They did learn probably the most versatile word in the entire English language." He chuckled.
They were about 5 minutes away from school as they drove on the Oxton-Ponyville Road. "We got a little bit of time, let’s take a different route. Let me show you what this thing can do." he said as slowed to a stop and moved a small stick that read "2WH, 2WL, 4W" and shifted into "4W".
"What are yah doin' Paul?" she asked as he wore a determined look.
"Check your seat belt and grab hold of somethin'." was all he said as he put on some music and pressed down on the accelerator.
The truck roared down the rough dirt path at 65 MPH as the truck's suspension bounced up and down as the truck drove through the rough road. "Woah!" Apple Bloom yelled as the truck squealed around a sharp turn in the path "Slow down Paul!" She yelled as she gripped her seat.
"Nuh uh! This is fun! Test Drive: Off Road has nothing on this!" He yelled with a smile on his face as the track splashed through a creek bed before he roared around another turn. A small hill came into view as Paul increased his speed.
Apple Bloom looked at the daredevil grin he wore on his face as he looked at the rapidly approaching hill and her eyes grew wide when she realized what was going on.
"No....." she said
"Yes...... he replied.
"Oh no!"
"Oh yes!"
As they came to base of the hill Paul looked at her and said, "Can you fly Apple Bloom?" with his mischievous grin.
"Paul don't! PAAAUUULLL!" She yelled as the truck crested the hill and flew into the air.
"YEEEEEEEHAWWWW!!!!" He screamed as he gunned the engine in the air.
"AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!" Apple Bloom screamed at the same time.
*Freeze Frame*
*Look's like Paul and Apple Bloom are out to get themselves a little fresh air.*
2 minutes earlier
"Yeah, it sounds like there's something coming from that hill. Something loud..." Joe replied.
Pipsqueak came over and stood next to Joe as he looked at the hill as well. "Whadaya hear?"
"I think.....It sounds like an engine........and is that music?" Joe asked.
"Yeah man, sounds like Industrial Rock..." Dandelion commented.
All of a sudden they all saw a truck crest over the hill and leap into the air.
"HOOOLYYY SHIT!" they collectively said as the Truck seemed to go through the air in slow motion for about 20 feet before landing and tearing on down the path and turned to pass by the football field.
They looked to see the truck speed towards them as Paul stuck his head out the window, make the sign of the horns, and yell, "WASSSUP BITCHES!?" before speeding past the stunned football team towards the front parking lot.
"Wasn't that your friend Paul, Joe?" Thunder Shot inqured.
"Yeah......he seemed happy about something..." he said contemplating what was going on.
"Wasn't that Apple Bloom on the other side?" Pipsqueak asked.
"Yeah, he took her for coffee at Sugarcube Corner as a way to make up for not walking her to class today."
"Well there's your answer..." Dandelion said as he raised an eyebrow. "He's shacked up with Apple Bloom."
"Now don't go jumping to conclusions, Dandelion." Joe scolded. "I'll go see what's going down." he said as he started to walk towards the front parking lot.
"TAKE PICTURES! WE WANT DETAILS!" Dandelion yelled as Joe walked away.
Joe walked into the main building and headed for the front doors before stopping to listen out the window....
"WOOO! Yeah!" Paul yelled as he pulled the truck into the front lot and parked.
"Was that awesome or what!?" Paul yelled as he turned off the engine and got out of the truck.
*Stop Music*
"Let me rephrase what ah said earlier: SOMETIMES ah feel safe around you." She snarked as she got out of the truck.
"Got to learn to take a ride on the wild side Angel Face." he said as he messed up her bow.
"Ughhh! Don't mess with mah bow!" She said as she readjusted it.
"Oh, you're no fun anymore. Come on, lets get to class." He said as they walked towards the front of the school
"Ummm...Paul?" She asked
"Yeah?" He replied.
"Could you.....could yah hold my hoof please?" She asked softly.
"All right Angel Face. Mah lady..." He said as he smiled and took her hoof in his hand before kissing it softly. Apple Bloom's face lit up like the 4th of July.
Joe looked around for someplace to hide as the two started to walk in. He found a bench with a copy of the Canterlot Times and decided to pull that old trick from many a Private Eye story. He stood with the paper covering his face as Paul and Apple Bloom walked in the front door and headed to class without even noticing Joe.
Joe slowly lowered the paper to see Paul and Apple Bloom walking down the hall.....hand in hoof. "Huh, that was fast." He said with a smile on his face. "Told it would do you some good, dude." He said before setting down the paper.
"COOL!" he heard a group of voices yell. He whipped around to see the entire football team sticking their heads around the corner Scooby Doo style.
"How long have you butt knockers been there!?" Joe yelled as the group snickered.
"The entire time. Now....questions." Tanner stated.
"After school....Come on we need to get to class." Joe said.
"All right.....but you owe us answers..." Thunder Shot playfully prodded.
"Yeah, yeah...." Joe said brushing him off.
As the group walked down the hall, Revy spoke up, "Looks like your friend isn't as much of hard ass as he makes himself out to be.."
"The stone speaks!" Pipsqueak said playfully.
"Shut up Pip. Anyway Revy, he is a hard ass.....but he's a good guy and he's got a heart just like the rest of us." Joe said as he walked down the hall with a smile on his face......
I Once Was Lost, But Now Am Found
A Stop at Rarity's and a Quick Shower.
The truck rolled up in front Carousel Boutique before coming to a halt as Paul turned off the engine and stepped outside. 'I hope Rarity gets it taken care of quickly.' He thought as he shut the door to the truck and walked over to the purple front door of the Boutique. Before he knocked, a devilish idea passed through his mind as an evil grin broke across his face. 'This'll get her.' He thought he rapped on the door loudly.
"Who is it?" A sing-song voice asked from within.
"Police, Madam!" He replied in stereotypical Irish Cop voice. "We have reason to believe that there are illegal substances being housed at this location! We have a warrant to search premises! Open the door please!"
"What!? Officer there are no such substances being housed here. You must be mistaken..." Rarity replied now becoming slightly worried.
"Madam, either you open this door now or we are coming in by force!" He said, continuing in his accent.
"What!? Now Officer I assure there are no illegal substances here. There is no need to resort to force!' She replied in a worried tone as she approached the door.
"Alright Madame you leave us no choice!" Paul announced before saying "Clancy, get the battering ram." Quickly as he mimicked the sound of a stallion leaving and returning with a battering ram.
'They're coming in! They're going to ram down my door!' Rarity thought. 'Of all things to happen now, this is the WORST! POSSIBLE! THING!'
"Alright colts! One!...Two!....." He said with a large grin on his face.
"NO! WAIT I'll open up!" She yelled as she flung the door open. "Please officer I....Paul?" She gasped
"Hey Rares what's up?" He asked casually as he walked past her into the Boutique.
"But...But I...Where are the police?" She asked as she looked left and right outside.
"Police?.....Oh I was just fuckin' with ya. I'm just here to get my coat and the rest of my clothes." He replied, wearing a shit eating grin before doing his best impression of the Joker's laugh. "Ahhh.... Let the good times roll!" he replied with a grin.
"Hmmph! Well in all my years, I've never met such an impudent stallion with no respect for a lady or his elders! Why I have a good enough mind to..." She said before she was cut off.
"I like how you did your mane today...." He said with a smile.
"To...what?" she asked confusedly.
"Your mane... I like that style... Looks good on you..." He said with a sincere look on his face.
"Well I... decided to put in some extra curlers today... but flattery will get you nowhere young stallion...I...!" she said before he interrupted again.
"I also like that dress your wearing. White really is your color. Does a nice job accentuating your figure." He said in a charming manner.
"I..I...I...well thank you. That's very kind of to say..." she said blushing heavily. Paul just smirked, 'A little flattery and she falls like a house of cards.'
"Well.... Let's get your jacket and clothes shall we?" She said, leading him to where they were located ,fanning her face all the way. Paul confused her, at one point he could be a foalish, immature cretin and at another he could be a perfect gentlecolt. She picked up the coat and showed it to him. "I think you'll find it to be in peak condition as of now." she said with an element of pride in her voice.
"Wow Rare. You managed to do a flawless patch job. That corner was shredded like an Iran-Contra document." He comented.
Rarity just stared at him with a confused expression on her face. "Just referencing prior Human events, it means it was shredded really badly." He informed her.
"Oh...." She replied, trying comprehending him. "And here is your shirt and pants, completely blood free." She stated proudly.
"No one gets blood stains out quite like you Rarity! You should contract out to organized crime." He laughed smugly.
"Speaking of blood... how did you damage your coat and bloody your clothing?" she asked curiously.
"You heard about that bar fight at Lefty's last night?" He replied
"Yes?...."
"That was me and Joe......" He said matter-of-factly. "Joe ran into an old friend of his..... it escalated quickly.... I mean it really got out of hand... I'm not sure but I think Lucky stabbed a guy with a trident... speaking of which I need to call him and tell him he might want to find a safe house or stay with relatives because he's probably wanted for murder.... and then Snowflake, the obviously steroid juicing stallion, tackled us out the window. I nearly beat him to death, Joe clocked me to stop me from doing that, had a high speed chase with the cops, lost 'em and.... went to Twilight's for medical treatment. And that's the true meaning of Christmas. With Onions. Yes." he said with a creepy smile on his face.
"Yes.....well......anyway your clothes are ready. Come back anytime you need anything." she replied
"That's why I love you Rare!" He said giving her a peck on the cheek.
"Oh ho....... I bet you say that to all the mares...." She replied blushing heavily.
"No.... just to ones I really like.... and especially Apple Bloom.... speaking of which I have to go home. I need to take a shower before dinner with her and her family. Have to tell them that we're dating. I'll let you know if shots are fired..." He said grinning as headed to the door with his jacket and clothes.
"Good luck...." She said hesitating to say something, "Paul..."
"Yeah?" he said.
"If things don't work out.... maybe… you could pay me a visit?" She asked, batting her eyelashes.
Paul just chuckled and said "Keep dreaming Mrs. Robinson... but I will give this... me... walking out your door." He said with a wink as he did so.
Rarity stood there awe struck before quickly running upstairs. She had........ business to attend to.
* * *
Paul stood in the shower as he bathed, contemplating what was about to happen. After all, he was going to dinner with his fillyfriend's family to reveal that he was dating their little sister.
'Times like this make me wish I could ask my Mom and Dad for help....' He thought sadly as he looked down at his dog tags. In all the time he had been in Equestria he had never once removed them, not even to take a shower. He looked at the gift from his father as he silently read the stamped print details of who he was:
LINFOR
PAUL R
06-17-1996
B NEGATIVE
LUTHERAN
He sighed deeply before letting them go as they fell against his chest. He finished bathing and got out before drying off and going to put on his clothes. He chose a nice outfit for the evening: Plain white T-shirt, with a buttoned up collared shirt, his father's now-repaired jacket, Khaki's, and his usual Nikes.
He went back to the bathroom to finish prepping himself: Deodorant, Cologne, brushing his teeth, and finished by combing his hair.
Before he left he took a look at the family picture he had hanging on the wall near the door to the garage. In it stood himself, his older brother Kyle, his mom Laura and Father Jon, his maternal grandparents Gary and Marilyn, and his cousins. Two cousins: the older one Preston and the younger one Lee along with their mother and his aunt Julie. 'Well at least they still have Kyle, and Lee and Preston....Wish Uncle Mike was still alive for them...' He thought. "Wish me luck everybody.... I'm gonna need it." He said kissing the picture before walking out the door to his truck. He got in and started the engine and before he drove off he thought, 'Well, into the breach'............
I Once Was Lost, But Now Am Found
This fic has been dead for a while now and its something I tried my hand at, and at least I can say I did it. I'm not a good writer, but its something I did back when I was in a really hard time in my life. And I did make a good friend out of the process of writing it, but its time to just make it official, this fic is dead as Dillinger. Thanks to everyone who put up with all my writing which revolved around mostly incorporating lines from movies I like. Now, go read all the other good fics on this site. There's a hell of a lot better writers than me. Cheers mate.
