Chapters Coolest Cat in the Citadel
Shepard Gets His First Kiss
Hello there, I'm not quite sure how you got in my head, but for now I won't question it. After years of being blown up, only to respawn time and time again, you learn that logic is worthless. I'll just assume BioWare sent you.
Anyway, if you're living under a rock, you might not know me, I'm Bob Shephard, resident superhero, but you can call me Citadel Man. I'm pretty much the greatest marine of all time; I'm even cooler than Halo Man, but he'd never admit it. I've died lots of times too, so I'm also a ghost or a zombie, that's why I fight The Reapers; they're trying to drag us into the afterlife.
None of that is important though, I don't even really fight the Reapers anyway, I'm too busy having sex with my blue girlfriend. Seriously, her name's Cheetara or something stupid like that, but she is smoking hot.
Anyway, I think I'm getting sidetracked, but I'm trying to beat this guy up. I'm surrounded by blue strippers, which is pretty cool. Maybe I'll have sex with one after I kill this guy. Speaking of blue whores, all of these chicks look the same. Is that racist? Maybe I'll ask this guy I'm punching.
"Hey dude," he spits up blood on my suit. This better come off or else I'm going to kill the shit out of him," is it racist that all of these blue chicks look the same?"
He looks around a bit, clearly caught off guard. I'm supposed to be learning how to save the world, but this is way more important.
"Umm...yeah."
Well shit, I guess I'm a racist now. Oh well, now that I've got the information I needed, so I'll just let this guy go. I've gotta get back to the Normandy anyway, even if it's the stupidest ship ever. Naturally I activate my legs and swagger out of the strip club in a way that only a super zombie can; that is with little balance, and rotting limbs.
There's this extremely weird looking hallway with a bottomless pit in the middle, which is really dangerous. Seriously, come on, why would you put that there; someone could get hurt. Of course the only logical thing to do is go to the janitor's closet and cover it up with some ply wood; so naturally I do exactly that.
I'm really easily distracted, I think I might have A.D.D. or something. I've been thinking about this transit for five minutes, and I'm getting some weird loo- hey a Keeper. Being the cool cat that I am, I walk up to it to get a closer look. They're these weird green little insect men, and they're also most likely robots. Everyone says not to touch them, but I don't see why not. Naturally, touching things is too mainstream for me, so I make a fist and punch it in the eye.
Almost instantly it starts spasming and rolling around on the floor. Some alarms sound, and a herd of wild policemen show up. No problem, I'll just play it cool.
"Ah, Commander Shepard," says the cop, everyone knows my name, I'm super famous," what happened here? Did you see?"
Normally I'd lie for no other reason than to laugh and watch someone get arrested. People always listen to me, I'm so great.
Today is different though, after covering that hole and saving potentially millions of lives, I'm on a streak of morality. This, of course, means that I'm going to tell him the truth.
"Why of course I saw it you worthless dreg," I say as I pat him on the head, " I punched that ugly bug-bot in the face."
"C̶͕̺̣͙̭̱͚̿͒ͧ̚͞ḁ̜̲̠̦̱̃̊ͧͯr̵̻̩̮͙̰̳̓͑̎e̡̱̯͐͗ͥ́̕ͅ ͗ͮ҉͢͢ͅtͮ̍̑ͤ͊̑̅҉̷͏̺͙o̶̗̬̹̹͖ͬͥͬͫ̃̍̀̚ ̺̗͇̬̖̯͑ͮs̴̡̺͖̝̺͎̙͉̅ͬ̽̏ͣͤ͂̕h̷̛͖̳̩͉͔̞̋̍ͯ̑̈ͪ͗͆ă̸̛͇̙̣̥̻͖̟̗ͣ̃͂ͦͯ̊̈̕r̵̭͚͔̬̭͐̆́̂͜͞ͅͅẽ̸̛͈͕͓͋ͤ́ ̡̧̝͕͇̤̝̪̿̍͋̾͞w̢̙̬͈͔ͨͭ̕h̴̶̘͔̳̮̺͇ͧ̈́̇̐̚ͅy̡͙̲̗͓̜̭̙͆̓̂ͬͮͨ̀ͅ?̧͈̮̖̲̖͕̌̊ͩ̍̔̿"
"Well, I was kind of bored, and I wanted to see what would happen." Oh yeah, I'm more honest than Abraham Lincoln. Unfortunately, it was then that I noticed how evil the voice of the policeman had gotten, he must've been a former member of the LAPD.
My fears were confirmed once the officers pulled out their nightsticks and charged me like I was Rodney King. Unfortunately for them though, I'm not even black, so their assault was ineffective.
"It's no use!" I exclaimed as I pulled back my fist," Taaake this!" I let my pimp hand fly as it, aided by the will of God(BioWare), sent all three policemen flying over the railing and to their untimely deaths.
"Oh my god! That man just killed three police officers!" Screamed an old lady.
"Well," I replied as I put on my sunglasses,"they shouldn't have tried to cop a feel."
Then I crossed my arms like a champion and ran over to the transport thing. Using my incredible fingers, I pressed an assortment of buttons and activated a loading screen.
Once the loading screen was finished I was at the Normandy, strutting towards it with all the swag in the world. As always, Seth Green was there to let me in. He spouted some whiny words and opened the door for me, and I stepped inside.
This ship always looks bigger on the inside, but that's probably because it's magical; after all, Normandy is Japanese for magic. In fact, my weapons are magical too, I mean come one, how else would they for plasma at the speed of sound?
Whatever, it's not like I really even care all that much, I wouldn't have even bothered coming here if it weren't for the fact that I'm Seth Green's biggest fan. I should go say hi to him, he's always very happy to see me. As always, the best way to reach any destination is to run around screaming angrily at people.
I'm actually very bad at sprinting, it's really the only thing I'm not amazing at. Well, that and the purple magic beams. I can't get them to work despite having chosen the class. I really only chose it cuz' purple is a cool color, but now I'm kinda disappointed. Hey, maybe I'll ask sarge on my way to Seth Green!
Suddenly, the entire ship lurches forward. Unfortunately for me, I happen to be running at twenty miles per hour, and a sudde lurch does some incredible things; namely launching me across the bridge. Of course, the ship is taking off, I really should have seen that coming, now I'm sliding around on my back all over the ship.
The ship is finally out of the atmosphere, so me, along with everyone else not wearing a seatbelt, get up. My glasses are broken. No...I fall to my knees and cry for an hour and a half. Then, after properly displaying my grievances, I open my chest compartment and pull out another pair.
Now that I'm properly accessorized, I can talk to the ship leader guy. I can't really remember his name, but who cares? Not you.
"Hey...pal, I have a question to ask you."
The guy salutes me(it comes with being a super sexy commander) and makes a motion with his hand, indicating that I should proceed with asking my question.
"Sargefag, how can I use my magic and glow purple?"
The sarge just starts flipping around all over the place, fist-pumping and doing the pop n' lock at the same time. At this point I'm strongly considering killing him, but wait! Yes, now I remember, the sarge is a mute who communicates through interpretive dance. Apparently I just have to concentrate really hard. Well shit, I have A.D.D. so I guess I'm fucked.
Well, I'll never glow purple, but at least I have my-wait a minute. Hold on a second, I have somewhere to be.
Alright I'm back, I had to go get purple. If I can't glow purple then by god I can at least pretend. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, I was on my way to tell Seth Green to take off. Now that I think about it, I can just use the intercom. I'm pretty forgetful sometimes.
"Hey Seth Green," I said after pressing the intercom button," what's up mah nigga?"
"For the love of god Shepard, my name isn't Seth Green." Seth Green replies.
"Oh okay then," jokes on him, he's not a very good actor, so I know it's really him," well 'not Seth Green' what time are we supposed to land?"
"We'll be at Planet Moose in a few days, please try not to break anything before we get there."
"Right-o," I say as I kick a vase,"see ya later Seth Green."
"Hey Shepard."
I turn around, gun poised, towards this new voice. In my line of work, you're either cautious or you're dead, which is why I have nerves of steel, and cat-like reflexes.
Oh, it's just Ashley. She's another girl I had sex with. I could've had more sex with her, but I had blue jungle fever.
"Ashley, never sneak up on a tiger," I say as I withdraw my weapon.
"Whatever," she sighs like a bitch(this is why I broke up with her) and flips her hair,"Look, we're going to be passing another planet with a strong gravitational pull, and that's very dangerous for the ship, so would you mind filling me in as to why you want to go to the Moose Planet?"
"Well disgusting ex, I just really like moo-"
"Hold on a second."
"Don't interrupt me or I'll slash your titties."
She looks at me like I'm stupid, jokes on her though, she's the stupid one.
"Why are you covered in fuel?"
"Oh yeah, I wanted to glow purple, so I went to the ship's fuel tank and emptied it all over myself."
For some reason, the ship lurches, then halts, launching me into the ample busom of my ex-girlfriend. Any other day I'd motorboat her, but now is not the time.
We hear the click of the intercom, followed by Seth Green.
"Shepard! What the hell did you do?"
"I didn't do any-"
"He emptied the ship's fuel all over himself."
"What the fu-"
"Hold on Seth Green," I turned to Ashley,"bitch, did you just interrupt me?" I pull out my knife and hold it up to her tit.
"Shepard, that's not-" another lurch from the ship forces my knife into her booby.
"Oops, I accidentally stabbed Ashley's titties."
"What?"
"Sorry Seth, the ship lurched again."
"No it didn't."
Coolest Cat in the Citadel
Ugh, my head. I feel like I just did my favorite dance in the Citadel about four hundred times. If that makes no sense I'll just blame it on the concussion.
Oh man, look at all this wreckage, I must've danced way too hard. Maybe Ashley has my Tylenol.
"Ashley!" I call out to no avail.
I get up and stumble through the destroyed remains of the ship. My god, all of these people, strewn out across the floor of the ship. Oh hey, it's Ashley.
I walk up to her; the others had no chance, but her armor should've protected her. I turn her over, and start sobbing.
There's a huge gash on her chest, and a sharp piece of metal sticking out. I feel for a pulse...nothing. I'm bawling now.
Ashley is the only one who knows where the Tylenol is. My life is basically over now.
Wait a second; maybe we crashed on Moose Planet! That place is full of Tylenol! I rush through the ship, dodging various girders and hull fragments until I reach the exit. I kick the door open like a boss and walk out, only to fall to the ground. I feel heavy; they weren't kidding when they said this place had lots of delicious gravity. Why it's so thick you could cut it with that knife in Ashley's chest. I quickly pull out my conveniently placed arm pad and press a few buttons on my suit. Well, my stabilizers are broken, so I'll just have to get used to this and hope none of my vital organs fill up with fluids.
With all that out of the way, I slowly get up and survey my surroundings. Well...this is awkward: the Normandy seems to have crash-landed on a few houses, and I'm surrounded by...ponies. Eh, I don't see any blood under it, so they probably weren't home.
What the fuck? Are you serious? Fucking ponies?
Why couldn't it be Moose Planet? Fuck!
Well, they appear to have forgotten that staring is rude. Either that or these ponies are stupid and uncivilized.
"Listen guys," I say as clearly as possible,"I know I'm dead sexy with my football texture armor, but you are all disgusting brutes, and if you don't stop staring I'll have your families burned."
Rather than heed my impressive warning, the ponies murmur amongst themselves, saying stupid shit like: "it can talk" and "I wonder what his flesh tastes like." God these things are annoying. I pull out my incredible plasma gun and fire off a few shots into the air.
"Alright you Primitive Screwheads, listen up! You see this? This... is my boomstick!" They all recoil, clearly impressed by my reference,"I am Commander Shepard: Master of the Citadel, and you're all going to either get me some Tylenol, or help me fix my ship!"
The ship explodes behind me, launching me into the crowd of ponies. Well, I guess I'm not going to be leaving for awhile. That's a ether hefty loss; remind me to cry once I find a place to stay.
Almost immediately the ponies close in, arms outstretched. No doubt they intend to kill me. Well, they won't be peeing on MY butt if I have anything to say about it(FYI the only way to kill a zombie is to pee on its butt). I grab my plasma gun and point it at the nearest pony, a gray Pegasus with crossed eyes. I pull the trigger.
The gun clicks, indicating that it's out of succulent plasma pods. Well shit, I guess I'm going to die.
The ponies smother me, squeezing the life out of me.
"Aw, it's so cute," says another horse as she strangles me.
There's only one thing I can do now, I start throwing punches left and right, clobbering the adorable death machines as they try and choke me to death. Finally, I burst out of the crowd, towering over the small herd of equines.
"Hey, a human!" Screams a voice from behind. I turn to see a green unicorn, and a cream colored...normal horse...
Suddenly the cream one jumps me, viciously humping my leg.
"Hi there, I'm Bon-Bon; and I'm utterly obsessed with humans. So, tell me about yourself, do you really pee on girls' butts to impregnate them?" The look in her eyes tells me she's psychotic, so I'd probably better answer.
"Well yeah, we usually do it behind a middle school."
"That's incredibly fascinating, new best friend." She begins to hump faster.
A golden glow begins to emanate from her body as she lifts off of my leg, and floats towards the green unicorn.
"Sorry, mister," she says as she turns to me,"she's a little crazy about humans. Bonny, humans don't exist, I already told you that."
Something about this new unicorn really makes me want to pee on her butt behind a middle school. Maybe it's her delicious buns.
"It's not a problem miss, names Bob by the way; Bob Shepard."
She turns, her flanks swaying as she walks.
"I'm Lyra, seeya 'round Shepard."
Man, that pony is a fox.
"Halt!" Comes another voice from behind.
I turn to see an adorable new pony in just the cutest fucking armor I've ever seen.
"Aw, you're so cute," I say while making kissy faces.
"Uh...be that as it may, you need to come with me. You're under arrest for vehicular manslaughter."
I don't like being arrested, so I run up to the guard and punch him in the face.
"Lol nope."
Coolest Cat in the Citadel
So, if you remember, I punched a guard in the face earlier.Now I'm usually pretty confident in my intelligence, but that may have been a terrible idea because I'm being dragged by my legs by what I assume is a lynch mob. Racism is rampant on my planet, so I know all about lynch mobs. They're probably going to cover me with tar and feathers. Jokes on them, I'll just restart at the last checkpoint and have all my ammo back.
While I scheme, the stupid guards say dumb things like: "what is it?" and "how does its blood taste?"
They're so stupid, you'd think they'd never seen a zombie with space armor before. And what is this about eating my flesh? Pfft, I'd like to see them try it. I'm so fresh, they call me strawberry. Actually that's not true; if anyone were to call me strawberry I'd be very upset. Speaking of strawberries, these ponies are probably delicious. Maybe I'll eat a few once I slaughter them all.
All of these adorable(yet so annoying) guard ponies pull me into a big castle, and my god is is stupid. Everything is pink, and covered in flowers. The king here must be a total queer...not that there's anything wrong with that. It's okay to be gay, let's rejoice with the boys.
Anyway, they're dragging me across the floor, and I'm getting a serious rug burn on my neck. Once these stupid hoof-rats kill me I'm going to slaughter them. That not withstanding, they've pulled me to what I assume is the thrown room, and too send me towards a bird in a chair.
"Rise for the princess you criminal." States the guard I'm going to kill first.
I stand up and look around for a princess. The pidgeon in front of me coos.
"Yes Celestia, I shall leave you with the prisoner."
The guards exit, leaving me in the same room as this retarded pidgeon creature, which by the way will not stop cooing.
Naturally the only way to deal with this bird is with a strong slap in the beak, so I do exactly that; sending the stupid thing hurtling towards the far wall. It quickly flaps its wings, stopping in midair. This is no normal pidgeon if it can survive the slap of justice. It must be a hypno-pidgeon.
I dash forward, kicking the bird in the face. It reclgroups quickly, dive-bombing my face. I pluck it out of midair, squeezing its throat. It caws loudly, so I snap its birdy neck.
Almost instantaneously, the guards rush in, spears in hand, only to see me stomping on a dead pidgeon.
"What are you doing, whelp? Where the hell is our princess?"
Now I don't know what a whelp is, but I take no shit from anybody! I run up to the guard and punch his lights out.
"Please stop punching our guards!"
"Lol nope."
"That's it! Forget the damn trial; we're going to punish you right now!"
"Yeah? What are you gonna do, k-k-kill me?" I say in mock fear. If you remember, I'm Commander Shepard, so I'll just restart with all my ammo. Besides, I'm not a scared of any big, bad ponies.
"No, we're gonna eat your skin."
"Not by the hair on my chinny chin chin." I reply. I normally wouldn't be so cockey, but these things barely go above my knees. At...perfect...skin-eating height.
This sudden realization startles me as the guards bare their sharp teeth. I should've known; ponies. Are the deadliest predators in all of the universe. They charge, their diamond-esque teeth ripping my armor to shreds. Soon they are upon me, rending my flesh with their powerful jaws.
Once all of my skin is gone, the ponies back off and stand on their front hooves. To my horror, their legs detatch, squirming around me and into my eyes.
Slowly the pony legs crawl through my eyes and into my brain, eating away the brain matter, greatly reducing my intelligence.
it herts rely bad but-
______________________________
The guard ponies sprout new legs and return to their current duty of dancing in the street.
Callin' out around the world
They're dancin' in Horsecago
All we need is music, sweet music
Oh, it doesn't matter what you wear
There'll be dancin'
This is an invitation across the nation
Fillydelphia
All we need is music, sweet music
Oh, it doesn't matter what you wear
There'll be dancin'
Fillydelphia, PA
All the way down in LA, Calfifornia
Author's Note
Join us next time when Shepard respawns with weapons.
I fully admit to having been too lazy to change the lyrics.
Coolest Cat in the Citadel
Ugh, my head. It's killing me, not literally of course. I'm already dead, so I'd like to see this headache try and kill me.
Speaking of seeing, I should probably open my eyes. It's a little known fact, but eyes help you see. Using my nnngINCREDIBLE eyelids, I remove the curtains from my oculars and observe my surroundings. I should just be in purgatory, so there's no real hurry. I'll just show the grim reaper my video game character certificate, and he'll send me on my way. Being immortal has its benefits.
Well...this place I'm in appears to be made of onions. Yup, onions, as far as my eyes can see. Clearly the Grimm Reaper TM has been redecorating. Can't really say I care for the whole onion theme, but hey, I don't live here; besides, grimmy probably got sick of existential nothingness.
Speaking of the Grimm Reaper, where is that little shithead? He usually appears, stamps my card, and sends me on my way. Don't tell me this asshole is gonna make me find him in these eternal onions.
"Calling reaperfag!"I yell aloud,"Please come and get me out of this onion soaked hellhole!"
"And what's wrong with onions?" comes a deep voice from behind.
I turn to see a beautiful green ogre, easily three times my size, staring angrily at me. His massive fists are clutching a bunch of onions, and his voluptuous ogre-boobs sway with every angry pant. Wait, ogre-boobs? Oh...
"Tell me small man, be you Faarquad or Brogre?"
I disregard the green vixen's question. It's time to be smooth.
"So baby,"I say as I slick back my hair,"I've banged every color girl but green, wanna change that?"
The ogre babe stares at me.
"So you're a Faarquad then." the sexy babe says as she lifts a club, baring her razor-sharp ogre-teeth."I guess that means I'll be eating your skin then."
"Excuse me?" I say bewildered."I've already had my skin eaten once, I'm not gonna have it eaten again."
A donkey comes out from behind her, his fangs dripping with venom.
"That's too bad,"she replies.
What am I going to do now you ask? Simple, I'm going to run away like a little girl. What? She's three times my size, and she has a venomous attack-donkey, not to mention I have no weapons. Donkeys are the deadliest creatures in the universe.
As I run through the town, I can hear the thundering of the ogre behind me. Thank god ogres have spindly legs, or I'd be done for. What I'm really scared of is the donkey, its acidic drool is flying all over the place as it nips at me with its second mouth.
I hate donkeys, even when they're voiced by Eddie Murphy. It's a little known fact, but donkeys have no eyes, and they see with heat sensors. I'm smoking hot, so you know I'm in trouble.
I turn my head, only to see that the ogre and donkey have disappeared. I've lost them for now.
I lie down, catching my breath. I'm going to have to find a way out of here, there's no way I'll survive. Man I'm hungry, good thing this entire world is made of onions. I grab one and chomp down with my jaws, crushing the delicious plant with over a hundred pounds of pressure. My majestic mouth chews slowly, as I savor the flavor of this incredible food.
It's rotten.
I spit it out, holy shit that was THE most disgusting thing I've ever tasted. I mean what the fuck? Why would you make a house out of onions? That's disgusting, not to mention unstable.
Oh well, I'll eat once I get out of this horrible place.
Suddenly, the ground around me begins to rumble, and several onions around me dislodge from the house, as well as the road. I can hear a faint murmuring in the distance, as though thousands of children were having their throats stepped on from really far away.
Seemingly out of nowhere, a flood of ogres, each bearing a donkey, emerges from the houses, and alleyways, hell, a few of them even burst up from the ground.
All of the ogres are drooling, chanting "eat the Faarquad," as they close in a tight circle around me.
"Hold up guys," I say frantically," I'm no Faarquad, I'm a zombie."
The ogre babe steps forward and the chants stop, she opens her gorgeous mouth to speak.
"A zombie? Be that a fairy-tale creature."
I nod,"in a way."
She narrows her eyes at me," prove it then, beat us in the ogre games."
"What?"
"Defeat us in a rap battle."
Pfft, no problem, I was raised on the mean streets of Wadiya, these fools can't handle my swag.
"Sure sexy," I say, once again being smoother than satin.
A negrogre steps forward, and a background ogre starts beatboxing.
"Step back motherfuckers, bow to the onion king,
I'll slap you with an onion,
I'll dickslap your lips cause I'm renegade as heck,
I'm a stone cold gunner, who'll slaughter all the haters,
MC Layers drops his mic, adding insult to...insult. The ogres around him cheer, not knowing that I'm about to smother their jiblets with my testicular fortitude. I step up to the mic, as long as I swear a bunch it should be fine.
"I'm Commander Bob Shepard so y'all best simmer down,
The ogres all gasp at my utterance of the forbidden word, but it had to be done.
"Your level is one to which I never hope to stoop,
I drop the mic and fart like a champion, these ogres can't handle my swag.
Suddenly they burst into tears, applauding my magnificence as they throw flowers and panties. One of the ogres places a crown on my head, verbally declaring me the winner.. I feel like a princess, a single tear falls from my eye.
"Let's kill him anyway."
Coolest Cat in the Citadel
So, remember how I'm a super soldier designed to crush the enemy at all costs? Apparently that doesn't include ogres because the fight I'm putting up is abysmal at best. Seriously though, if I had my weapons, this would be going way differently. They'd be lying on the ground in a broken heap, and I'd be humping them into submission. Why must I cry?
I throw yet another punch at the ogre nearest to me. As per the usual, my flying fists only bounce off of his thick ogre-hide. I quickly step back as his donkey snaps at me, its acidic drool flying all over the place. Welp, there's only one thing to do now.
I use my wrist mp3 player to play "I need a hero," by Bonnie Tyler and start running. The horde of ogres and donkeys follows close behind, shooting onion bullets at me. I run in a serpentine pattern to confuse them, cuz' I'm so chill that bitches call me ice. It makes sense.
Suddenly an onion flies over my head, landing in my direct path. I speed up as much as possible, the ogres follow. Soon I pass the onion, as it explodes behind me; utterly obliterating all of the assaulting ogres, who by now are directly on top of the onion of doom.
I gaze on in awe as the assorted viscera flies all over the place, being sure to hide behind an onion shack to shield myself from the acidic donkeys.
Once the dust(and body parts) settles I get out from behind the shack and start teabagging the pieces of ogre. Heh, I wasn't even scared during that whole time.
"Yeah bitch," I say as I kick an ogre-lung,"next time think before you try to eat the skin of Commander Bob Shepard."
"What be a Shepard? Be it a fairy-tale creature?" comes a new, Scottish voice from behind.
I slowly turn to see the mangled bits of ogre flesh reassembling themselves into a much larger ogre voiced by Michael Meyers. He turns to me, his onion breath nearly knocking me into unconsciousness.
I try to get up, but he uses his ogrekinesis to pin me to the floor, almost crushing me with his deadly Scottish accent.
"Who are you,?" I ask, voice laced with fear.
"I am Shrek, and I'm wondering why you felt the need to kill all of my loyal ogre-subjects."
"I didn't kill them, they were chasing me, and I used my awesome army man powers to dodge their grenade. I'm so swerve that bitches call me skid."
"That makes no sense," he replies,"and as Shrek, I am able to comprehend all things but that of the Faarquads." he puts an onion-gun in my face," ye be a Faarquad."
I gulp, I don't know what a Faarquad is, but these ogres really seem to hate them.
"I'm not a Faarquad!" I scream as loud as I can. Shrek pulls back his onion-gun and looks at me through squinted eyes.
"Prove it," he replies," find the sacred onion."
"Excuse me?"
"One of the onions in this village is sacred; if you can find it, I'll let ye be free."
"Okay...um," I look around at the literally billions of onions,"how the hell am I supposed to pick out the most important onion, there's billions!"
Shrek laughs.
"You're correct, one could not possibly pick out which of these many onions is the most important. This is because all onions are sacred to me. You have passed my test, fairy-tale creature."
Shrek waves his hands, and all of the dead ogres reappear. Upon seeing Shrek they all bow, some of them with tears of adoration in their eyes.
"I'm disappointed in you," Shrek says to his followers,"you attacked this poor fairy-tale creature without administering the test to see if he was truly a Faarquad."
One of the ogres, the one who first threatened to eat my wonderful skin, gets up.
"I'm sorry," she cries,"this is all my fault, I was so sure that he was of the Faarquad clan that I completely disregarded the test."
Shrek smiled down at his sobbing subject.
"It's okay my child, next time be more careful."
"Oh praise be to the benevolent ogrelord!"
The ogres all cheer, pulling earwax out of their cylindrical ears and throwing it at their beloved.
I for one am shocked, as well as disgusted, but this ogre is clearly very powerful. Maybe he can get me back to Equestria so I can slaughter those ponies.
"As for you," says Shrek as he turns to me,"I'm going to send you back to Equestria to kill those ponies, but be weary, you may only die once more until the grim reaper returns from his vacation in Sandals, Jamaica. If you die again, I'll eat your skin and send you to Hell."
With that admittedly somber note, he places his massive thumb on my forehead.
"Wingardium levio-SAHHHHHHH," he says, and suddenly I'm covered in green lightning.
The pain is excruciating, but my surroundings warp around me, and I can vaguely see the exploded remains of my ship through the green lightning.
All at once the pain stops and I'm back in...ponetown.
I look in my inventory to see that all of my weapons are fully loaded and ready to party. Hey, Shrek even gave me unlimited ammo.
I pull out my pistol and point it at a nearby security guard. I fire, capping his cracker ass with the one-two boop.
And so it begins.
Author's Note
The chapter titles are the least clever thing I've ever done.
Coolest Cat in the Citadel
So in case you forgot, I'm back in Equestria with all of my weapons after Shrek gave me some h4x0rz on my guns. Now I'm busting a cap in the ass of every single pony I see. It's really quite fun. So far I've killed a blue one, a purple one, and a red and black one. The red and black one was screaming something about being super original, and it was pissing me off.
I've currently got one with crossed eyes and a grey coat in my ~~nefarious~~ vengeful clutches.
"Please sir, I have two kids, and no husband. Without me they're all alone." says the cross-eyed pony.
I smack her in the face and yell nonsense words to illustrate just how pissed off and insane I am.
"What's your name?" I ask.
"My name is Derpy Shanequa, I'm a loose-cannon cop who doesn't play by the rules."
"Well miss Shanequa, I'm in a bit of a rage-induced killing spree right now, but I'm willing to make a deal with you. If you accept it, I'll let you live."
She lets out a few sobs before accepting the deal.
"Alright, tell me about your youngest child. What's her name? What does she look like? What does she...unnn...smell...like." I sniff her ear as I say this.
"My little girl's name is Dinky. She's five years old, and she's just about the most adorable thing you could ever imagine."
"And the smell."
"She smells like...PB&J, it's her favorite."
I sniff the air,"mmmm, sounds delish."
Then I put the barrel of my gun right up against Derpy's head.
"I can't wait to pay her a visit, we're gonna have so much...fun...together."
"Wait," she whimpers,"You said you'd let me live if I took the deal!"
"I lied."
I pull the trigger, only to hear another click. Dammit, Shrek gave me unlimited ammo, but not bottomless clip? That jerk! Suddenly I feel a sharp pain in my loins. Derpy kicked me in the balls. I huddle over in pain as the pony I'm going to kill soon runs away.
A cold feeling rushes over me, and suddenly I'm pinned up against the wall. A cloud of blue smoke materializes in front of me, taking the shape of a pone, but bigger; with both wings and a horn.
"HOW DARE YOU HURT OUR LOYAL SUBJECTS?" she screams, getting all up in my grill.
"Okay lady, it's called deodorant, it's not expensive."
She pulls me away from the wall, only to slam me back into it.
"WE'RE GOING TO MELT YOUR BONES, AND USE THEM AS RANCH DRESSING!"
"Wow, are you sure you want ranch? It's very fattening, something that wouldn't benefit YOU at all."
"ART THOU CALLING US FAT?"
"I'm not calling you anything. I'm just implying that you could stand to lose a few pounds."
She tightens her magical grip, nearly crushing my rib cage before getting even closer to me.
"Listen here mysterious creature, you have one chance to make this right. Our sister Celestia has the power to revive the ponies you so viciously assaulted. Otherwise, we will kill you."
"Whatever bitch, I'll just respaw-" wait a second," I'll do whatever you need me to, retard pone."
She drops me, but holds up a magical spear. I shoot the bitch in the kneecaps. She immediately falls over.
"Ah! WE'LL FLAY YOU ALIVE!"
"K then, Imma save your sister now."
"What? Why did you shoot us then?"
I get close to her, and whisper in her ear.
"Because, I needed to teach you not to fuck with me. Anyway, I gotta go."
"But we haven't told you where they are."
"Well, what are you waiting for, bitch? Make with the exposition, our audience is bored."
She looks at me like I'm stupid before beginning.
"We believe she is being held in King Sombra's fortress near the Crystal Kingdom."
"And who the tampon is King Sombra?"
"He's a supervillain the likes of which we've never seen. We thought we had killed him after we blew him up, and scattered his pieces all over the world, but alas we were wrong. King Sombra is actually forty-six percent starfish, so when we blew him into a million pieces, we actually made an army of Sombra starfish."
I nod, telling her how stupid she is for not automatically assuming her opponent is a starfish.
"Well ugly pone, I'm gonna go rescue your sister."
"But we haven't told you where the Crystal Empire is."
"What are you, an idiot? I'll just google it,"
I hold down a button on my wrist pad, which was fixed when I respawned.
"Siri, give me directions to the Crystal Empire."
A map appears on my wrist screen, so I use my sexy legs to run in that direction. It's only three hundred miles, and luckily I'm not bringing anyone with me, so absolutely no hi-jinks will ensue. I'm all set for my journey alone.
"You know you could just take the train..."
I stop and turn to see Lyra looking at me with a smirk. She tells me that she's in love with me, and that she wants to come with me on my journey to defeat Sombra.
I kick her in the jaw and run towards the train station.
"Lol nope."
Author's Note
Things are gonna happen eventually, I'm sure.
Why can't Luna save Celestia? Well, as the Canterlot Wedding proved, Luna is a background pony.
Will, Shepard ever kill Derpy?
Probably.
Someday this story will be featured.
lol jk
Coolest Cat in the Citadel
Trains are horrifyingly boring, like, unnervingly so. I feel like they're a conspiracy fronted by the illuminati to make us more lethargic. Naturally my lord and savior, the incomparable Shrek can provide entertainment, but the portable DVD player in my suit is dead, and these ponies have apparently never heard of mobile power outlets.
Well, with my DVD player currently in a state of abeyance, I suppose I should get ready for that whole "fighting an army" thing I'm gonna do. I don't get it though, this world has to have some main characters, but all of the pones I've met thus far have been background pones; Luna especially.
Well, anyway, it's time to start working out. I open a compartment in my leg and pull out a training bra, then I put it on. I start doing pilates in front of the other ponies. I shake my moneymaker all over the place, rocking it like never before.
I make my way through the carts and into the cockpit(trains have those right?). I proceed the twerk it in front of the captain.
"Excuse me sir," says the conductor as he tries desperately not to look at my marvelous butt,"but you're twerking too hard, and it's throwing the train off-route."
"Does your route include the attitude store? Because you clearly need a new attitude!" I smack him in the face, knocking his cracker ass out.
Suddenly the train lurches, and starts shaking. A loud screech can be heard coming from outside. I look out the windshield to see that we've derailed, and are currently hurtling towards a cliff. I stick my head out the window.
"Hey fuckfaces, why aren't you keeping your well-toned asses on the track?"
They turn their heads to me.
"I don't know, the conductor keeps us in check, where'd he go?"
"I twerked in front of him, and he fainted."
Suddenly the ponies start screaming, flailing their legs wildly as they run.
"Without the conductor, our lives have no meaning! Suicide is the only option!"
They speed up, running full force to the edge of the cliff. They leap off, taking a train full of ponies with them. Looking out the window, I can see a large grey and black mass of ponies. We land directly in the middle of it.
Instantaneously the train explodes as it crushes hundreds of the grey and black evil-pones. A burst of bright orange flame juts out at every angle, setting hundreds more of the ponies ablaze. All the while I've been running through the train to the back exit, passing charred and broken bodies without a care in the world.
Just before it hits, I leap from the train, catapaulted skyward by the giant fireball that pursues me. Thankfully though I'm ~~the main character~~ a total badass, so I survive the initial shockwave.
Naturally when I land, I strike a badass battle pose. Then I turn to see various clouds of smoke and steam rising up from the rubble. The snowy landscape has become a giant, flaming crater, filled to the brim with twisted, red-hot metal, melted skin, and broken bones.
I turn to the innocent crowd of evil looking ponies, half of which are either dead or about to be killed by me. They all look exactly the same, though some of them, true to the starfish name, have weird legs that are either too short or too long. I don't especially care though, I'm on a mission; a mission to not have my bones melted by a stupid background princess.
By the way, if you're wondering how I know Luna's name even though she never told me, its because of the chapter title. They're usually a retarded attempt at a "clever" play on words. Even so, it's still a pretty big plot hole. Maybe the author is just stupid.
Technically though, I'm telling the story, so that makes me the author. So, I called myself an idiot.
As usual, I look to my enemies for assistance.
"Hey samefags, am I an idiot?"
They all look at each other.
"Yeah," says one of them.
I don't like being called an idiot, so I pull out my machine gun and blast their cracker asses. They all charge me, launching black crystals at me. I pistol whip one of the closer ones.
It's party time.
Shepard reeled back as hundreds of King Sombra starfish charged him, enveloping him in shadows. They used their creepy starfish parts to suck out his bones and muscle, leavening only his skin. They used his skin as a cape for their leader, who killed Celestia in celebration.
Eventually the army of Sombras took over the world, killing everyone, except Derpy who they enslaved.
And Shepard died forever.
The end.
Author's Note
I wrote this while giving blood.
