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Destruction, dysfunctions, damsels, and Discord
Destruction, dysfunctions, damsels, and Discord
Chapter 1
School Fair Report
By Scootaloo
"Aaargh !" Groaned an orange pegasus filly with a ruffled magenta mane." Miss. Cheerilee why do I have to write this report? Nopony else has to!" The filly in question was currently in a elementary school classroom devoid of anypony except herself and another mare.
"Because Scootaloo" calmy replied the mare, presumably Cheerilee. "the only ponies who know fully what happened yesterday is you, Princess Sparkle, and Discord. The princess is too busy fixing damages and Discord is off doing... Discord things and nowhere to be found. That leaves you as the only pony who can write the report."
"dang it" mumbled the still groaning filly. "But I still don't see why I need to fill a report. Can't I just tell you what happened?"
"Hmm... Maybe. If you do a good job describing what happened then the report won't be necessary." Though the real reason she agreed was that she was very curious herself. "What exactly did happen? Last time I saw you you were setting up your little maze. Next thing I know there's a crowd of ponies so thick I couldn't get through, and they were all lined up to enter your maze. How did you manage to attract such a big crowd for a maze that size? I'm pretty sure I even saw some nobleponies in the crowd!" Miss. Cheerilee asked confused.
"Printing error" Scootaloo replied blankly.
The mare tried to make sense of this statement. She failed. Choosing to ignore the blank response she continued. "alright then what about the explosion?"
"Implosion actually." Scootaloo said in the same fashion as before. "Discord closed a door too fast and it imploded."
Cheerilee now completely lost conceded to the fact the short story won't cut it. Instead she decided to compromise. "you know what? Lets just start from the beginning. A week ago we announced the fair and..."
"Woohoo! I can't wait for the fair!" Scootaloo whooped with joy. She was walking home from school along a worn dirt path with her friends and fellow crusaders, Sweetie belle and Apple bloom.
"What 'cha so excited about Scoots? We have the fair every year." Applebloom asked in curiousity at her friend's exuberance to the annual school fair that was announced today. "We have it every year but ya never get this riled up 'bout it ".
"It's because this year's prize is a new scooter." Sweetie Belle explained.
Every year the school that the three fillies attend hosts a fundraiser in the form of a fair. Local businesses participate and students are encouraged to produce their own attractions. The pony who raises the most money in the school gets a prize, this particular year in the form of a scooter.
"It's not just the scooter!" Scootaloo defended. "I mean I really really want it. It's a brand new Superscoot ultra air-time 3000 with top-of-the-line suspension and chrome plating along the-"
"Scoots your going off topic" Sweetie Belle sighed.
"right sorry. But anyways it's not just the scooter! Diamond Tiara wins every year but that's only because her daddy just dumps a bunch of bits on her fake jewelry stall!"
Applebloom considered this. Scootaloo definitely wasn't wrong. Their classmate Diamond Tiara won every year since her father would donate a ridiculous sum of bits on her stall. Giving her an unfair advantage over the other students.
"And plus I really need a scooter! My old one broke."
"yeah, because you broke it" Sweetie Belle said pointedly.
"Hey! How was I supposed to know my chemistry set would explode?"
"because it said right on the front of the box "Warning: some contents contents may explode. Keep away from small fillies."
"Umm guys?" Applebloom interupted. "Y'all mind telling me what happened? Ah was sick that day."
Sweetie Belle thought about the day of the explosion.
This year the school fair was going to be especially large to raise extra bits. This was due to an event that started with Scootaloo. Scootaloo, eager to show off her new "in-depth" chemistry set for show and tell, strapped the set to her scooter with some rope and raced towards the school. Unfortunately her classmate Snails who also brought an item for show and tell brought his impressive marble collection in a not-so impressive pouch. The pouched ripped open and spilled it's contents directly in front of Scootaloo's path. Scootaloo unable to stop decided to bail from her scooter which gave the high speed scooter all the freedom to crash into the school's third grade classroom. And explode. Fortunately nopony was hurt but the third grade classroom was given a extremely large hastily built window.
Shuddering Sweetie simply replied "You don't need to know."
At Sweetie Belle's strange reaction Applebloom decided to change the subject "Well then, Scoots? How are you going to raise more bits than Diamond?"
Scootaloo brightened at this. "Glad you asked! I'm going to build the greatest, best, most awesometacular maze ever !"
Scootaloo's friends just gave her blank stares.
After a period of silence Sweetie Belle was the first to break it. "First of all that's not even word, and second how are you going to build a maze big enough on the school grounds?"
"Oh about that!" Said Scootaloo seeming to remember something. "Apple? Can I use Sweet Apple Acres as the maze grounds? That place is huge and the trees can act as walls. That way building the maze will be a cinch!"
"Huh, that's actually not a bad idea. I'll ask Granny Smith if ya can use th' farm for the fair."
"Great! Now all I need to take care of is advertisement!" Scootaloo thought for a moment before coming up with a solution. "I'm going to go ask Twi if she can help me make posters so bye guys!" With the curt goodbye Scootaloo bolted off in the direction of Twilight's castle.
Sweetie Belle promptly tried to call after her high velocity friend. "Scoots wait! You can't just ask Twilight to help you make posters! Shes' a princess now! She has princess-y stuff to do!"
Applebloom tried calling for her as well but Scootaloo was either beyond earshot or not paying attention. "Ah geez" sighed Applebloom.
*knock knock knock*
Twilight Sparkle was startled by the sudden knocking on her door. Ever since she became a princess nopony would visit her except her closest friends and diplomats. She supposed it was due to the castle being a little on the intimidating side with it's grandiose spires and crystalline structure. However, regardless of which of the two were visiting neither of them knocked.
She hastily removed herself from her studies to answer the door. Upon opening she was further surprised to find Scootaloo waiting at the castle doors barely keeping still from what seemed like excitement.
"Well hello Scootaloo." Twilight greeted.
"Hey Twi! Could you help me make posters for my school fair stall? Could you? Could you? Pleeease~?" Scootaloo pleaded making her eyes grow impossibly wide.
"Oh! Umm... y-yes?" Twilight responded slightly startled by the sudden onslaught of cuteness. After a short recovery she answered in a less fragmented manner "Sorry, I wasn't expecting you to ask that, but I'll be happy to help."
"Awesome!" Scootaloo cheered energetically and trotted inside.
"so what exactly do you need help with?" The newly crowned princess asked.
"The school fair is coming up and I'd appreciate some help creating posters for my stall." explained Scootaloo.
"Well give me the details and I'll see what I can do. In the meantime would you like anything to drink?"
"Large half caff scalded almond milk latte, four pumps vanilla, one pump cinnamon with an extra half shot, sweetened with agave nectar at 167 degrees, with room for cream." Scootaloo answered immediately in an almost robotic way
"What?" said Twilight unable to follow or comprehend what Scootaloo just said.
"Just some orange juice please" reiterated Scootaloo innocently.
"O-okay then?" said Twilight making her way into the kitchen. As she made her way she mumbled to herself. "Large half calf Scottish almond milk latte- no that's not right...
After fetching the orange juice Scootaloo began telling Twilight the details of her project. The two ponies then began to design the poster and a few extra ideas for the maze. The finished product was a poster of Twilight (despite her embarrassed protests against it) inviting everypony to try out Scootaloo's maze at Sweet Apple Acres. Everypony who completes the maze will be given a candy and the first pony to complete it will be given a huge chocolate that they could purchase at the Sugarcube corner.
"The poster looks great! Thanks Twi!" cheerfully thanked the filly.
"No problem Scootaloo, but how are you going to advertise with just one poster?"
Upon Twilight's insight Scootaloo froze up as realization dawned on her. "Uhh" She let out as she noticed the flaw in her plans.
Seeing Scootaloo's lack of forethought Twilight breathed a mental sigh and sought to think of a solution. Fortunately it wasn't very difficult. "Tell you what, the Ponyville post office has a printing press for local papers. Since the morning papers should have been delivered by now so it shouldn't be in use. If you explain to them that it's for the school fair I'm sure they'd let you to use it."
Scootaloo immediately brightened at this. "Really? Okay! bye!" With the abrupt farewell Scootaloo did a repeat performance of after school and dashed out the castle doors.
"Wait!" Twilight tried to call after the young filly but it was in vain. "Hmm... She really is taking after rainbow dash" She thought to herself. She felt as if she was forgetting something. Something along the lines of a certain pony that worked at the office. "Oh well, if I forgot about it it can't be very important." She shrugged.
Oh how wrong she was.
Some close calls and startled passer-by later, Scootaloo successfully arrived at the Ponyville post office (although it's "success" may vary from pony to pony). In her mad dash she had narrowly avoided whacking several pedestrians with the new poster, but thankfully it seemed unscathed. After the quick review of her cargo she looked towards the post office. It wasn't a very impressive building and was relatively small in size, but it definitely had a certain "charm" to it. Scootaloo approached the worn wooden door and proceeded inside. A quaint bell rung to signify her entrance. The interior of the building was slightly cramped and the peculiar smell of stationary wafted throughout the room.
"I wonder why letters smell so different. They're just made out of paper aren't they?" Scootaloo thought absentmindedly. "And why is there special paper for letters in the first place? Paper is paper, nothing special about-"
"Hello!"
Scootaloo was jolted out of her muse by the sudden salutation. She looked up to see a grey pegasus with a tan, yellow mane looking expectantly at her. Or rather looking to the sides of her as the pegasus' eyes were oddly unaligned most of the time.
"Oh hey Derpy"
"Do you have any muffins?" Derpy responded
"Er... No?" said the filly caught off-guard.
Derpy's face fell a little at this by this but more of a return to neutral than actual disappointment. "So what brings you to the post office?"
"Could I use the printing press? I need to make a lot of posters for the school fair and so far I only have one."
Derpy looked a little apologetic at Scootaloo's request. "Sorry Scootaloo. Only staff and ponies with permission are allowed back there and the chief is out right now so you can't get permission."
"Aw ponyfeathers" Scootaloo huffed dejectedly. She was hoping that she could get it done today while she had else nothing to do.
"I know!" Exclaimed Derpy. "I can print the posters for you! In fact, tomorrow I'm on flyer duty so my load will be extra light. I won't mid some extra weight so I'll even put them up for you while I'm on my route!"
"Really? Alright!" Scootaloo was ecstatic about Derpy's offer. Not only would they be printed, but they'll be delivered for her! "Thanks Derpy! I'll be sure to have a muffin for you next time!" Scootaloo put the poster on a nearby counter and started to trot towards the door. Eager to capitalize on her free time.
"Yay muffin!" Derpy all but squealed, clapping her hooves together like an excited school filly. Offering to help the young filly was definitely looking like a win-win in her books. "Where do you want them put up?"
"Oh you know, everywhere!" Scootaloo replied vaguely with an equally vague hoof gesture.
"Everywhere?" Derpy said shocked at the filly's request.
"yeah everywhere!"
After her confirmation Scootaloo exited the building leaving Derpy to her own devices. She picked up the poster and placed a bell on the reception counter in case anypony else came in that day. She then made her way into the printing room, keen on starting the posters immediately. After entering she saw that the usual pony ink blot was giving his beloved press an impromptu check-up.
"That stallion does waaay too many of those" Derpy thought while making her way to him She approached the printer fanatic to talk to him. "Hey Ink blot."
The stallion jumped a little at Derpy's voice and after a quick recovery, turned around. Noticing who she was he gave her a smile. "Well hi Derpy. What can I do for you?"
"I need this poster copied off" She explained.
"Well sure, I can do that. how many copies do you need?"
Derpy thought about Scootaloo's request. "Well she did say everywhere " She reconfirmed. "About three hundred should do."
"E-excuse me? Did you say th-three hundred ?!"
"Give or take" Derpy verified.
"B-but Why in Celestia's name do you need so many? He exclaimed bewildered by Derpy's instructions.
"fifty for ponyville, fifty for the neighbouring towns and cities, and a hundred for Canterlot".
"Who in Equestria needs that many posters?" Ink Blot asked Derpy, still confused about the outrageously large order.
"Important client" She answered distracted. Instead of focusing she was daydreaming about muffins. Specifically a fresh muffin. A perfectly baked soft, fluffy, moist, fresh muffin. A fresh muffin with a golden crust that'll give the texture a heavenly crunch to it's already rapturous chew. How it'll steam when the paper covering is removed and spread it's warmth along the entirety of her personal bubble. She was thinking about all the different flavours that the muffin could be. Blueberry muffin, chocolate muffin, maybe even muffin muffin! All these delectable treats swirly around in a delicious orchestra of- (time-out, lets move along)
"Just print the posters off. I need to go arrange them to be delivered to the other post offices"
"Okay just umm... put the master copy at that end of the press and it should do the rest."
Derpy went to said end of the machine to feed it through. Before she did so she did a quick skim of the poster. Curious to what it said. "Huh, first person to finish the race gets a big fat Hershey's kiss." She was about to leave it at that before she noticed by chance that the name "Hershey's" was rubbing off. "Eh, It'll be fine" She thought and fed the poster into the press.
She then went home to finish fantasizing of the muffin Scootaloo was going to give her.
That night all three ponies: Scootaloo, Twilight, and Derpy underwent their daily nightly routines uneventfully. They all went to bed comfortably and peacefully, completely unaware of the chaos that would be unfolding in following week. Completely unaware that it was put in motion on that very day.
The following morning in the postal storage room there lay three hundred copies of posters. All with Princess Twilight clearly visible on the cover offering the first pony to complete the maze a big fat ~~Hershey's~~ kiss.
Author's Note
Hey guys! Hope you enjoyed this story! It's the first one I've written and I really hop it didn't make your eyes bleed or anything. thank you for reading!!
View Online
Propaganda, potations, and post-postal hours
Chapter 2
It was the start of another beautiful day in Ponyville. As Celestia's sun rose over the quaint little town one could notice a general air of positivity to the day. The sun seemed sunnier, the flowers more flowery, and Twilight more...
Never mind Twilight was Twilight. But even so the purple princess was immensely enjoying her morning. She was tucking into a breakfast of pancakes (courtesy of her #1 assistant) while reading the paper. Something she hadn't been able to do very often since she was crowned. Er, tiara-ed
"I wonder how Scootaloo's doing?" She thought to herself. A total of four days had already passed since she and the filly made the poster together, leaving just three more days until the actual event. "Did she get them printed off alright?"
She still had a nagging feeling that she had forgotten to tell Scootaloo something relatively important.
She let out a sigh and reached for her tea, taking a sip of the soothing beverage. "No use in letting it get to me I suppose." She reasoned, and returned to her paper. Eager to make some advancements on her current research topic she had directly skipped to a column on microbes. In her haste she had barely even bothered to look at the front page. It was about some scandal anyways. Something neither likely true, nor relevant to her.
Nonetheless it was front page news so after reading through her article (which, Twilight being Twilight took no time at all) she prompted to view what was considered important this morning.
She took another sip of her rather deliciously brewed tea, turned the paper over, and-
Performed that year's second most stunning spit-take.
The former beverage, now projectile splashed the entirety of the luxuriously spacious table sprawled out in front of her. After all the fluid had settled, Twilight still trying to recover attempted to make sense of what she just saw.
Adding a few more coughs to her already impressive streak, Twilight re-seated herself and pored over the headline that was the cause of her sudden upheaval of liquid.
Shocking News!
New Princess Sparkle already looking for suitors?
"W-what?!"Twilight managed to sputter out indignantly. She was completely sure she had neither said, nor done anything that remotely suggested the statement boldly displayed on the newsprint. Trying to make sense of the news she began to read the full article.
All of us should know about the new princess by now. She used to be Princess Celestia's personal student, but now she's a fully fledged member of royalty. Wings, horn and all!
But what do we really know about this mysterious mare? Well a recent turn of events may show us a closer look at the personality of this overnight royal. Posters were found all over Equestria, including Canterlot, manehatten, and the current residence of the princess herself; Ponyville. These posters contained a most scandalous proposal from the fresh princess herself!
To see the poster in question for yourself, an image of one can be found below or by simply looking outside your window!
Twilight looked further down the page as instructed and was puzzled by what she found. It was the poster she had made with Scootaloo. The first thing she was met with was her picture. Although it was undeniably a very noticeable photo, it certainly did not imply in the least that Twilight was ready for any romantic activities of the sort. Deciding to press on she surveyed the rest of the poster. It wasn't until near the end that she saw any irregularity.
... And the first pony to successfully finish the race will be awarded with a huge ~~Hershey's~~ kiss from Princess Twilight!
She raised an eyebrow at this. Some of the ink had simply smudged, most likely during the print-out. She looked through the poster several more times, but her search came up empty hooved. There was still nothing that suggested that she was looking into courtship, nothing at all-
Oh wait.
After another read through the truth hit her with all the subtlety of Rainbow dash wearing a blood stained lab coat boasting about her 20% increase in coolness crashing into her at a barely sub-sonic speed.
Speaking of Rainbow dashes wearing blood stained lab coats boasting about 20% increases in coolness crashing into her at barely sub-sonic speeds, that's exactly what happened.
Twilight was just about to let loose a blood-curling scream that would have broken several windows, but it was rudely interrupted by a more panicked yell.
"Hey Twilight heads up I'm going to crash into your castle SO WATCH OUT AHHHHHHHHH!
An [at the time] unidentified flying pony pierced cleanly through one of the rib vaults of castle at near mach 1 speeds. Unable to stop, the prismatic pony continued it's deadly trajectory right into the the non-awaiting hooves of the aghast Alicorn.
The initial collision clocked in at 0.2 on the Richart scale. Twilight, who received a hefty percentage of the force was promptly knocked unconscious.
Twilight woke up with a start. Gasping awaking she whirled her head from side to side trying to find her attacker.
"Hey Twi!" The attacker cheerfully greeted. She appeared to had already made herself at home and was helping herself to the leftover pancakes and tea.
"Rainbow! You almost killed me! I thought you got got the hang of not crashing into my Library " She replied sternly, obviously cross with having her lights blown out.
"I did, but then you go a castle and it's a lot bigger than the Library. 'Besides your still alive" Rainbow dash nonchalantly took another bite of Twilight's pancakes.
"Arrgh" Twilight groaned. She was about to launch another mini lecture about flight safety, but immediately stopped once she noticed Rainbow's Apparel. "Uh, Rainbow? Why are you wearing a lab coat?" And upon further inspection "And is that blood? "
"W-what? No! I-it's umm... liquid rainbow?" Was her awkward reply. "Yeah! I was uh... In charge of red today!"
Relieved that the stains were not caused by hemorrhage she continued her inquiry. "Okay then, why are you wearing a lab coat in the first place?"
"C-classified information!" She sputtered out alarmed. "Definitely nothing to do with the true origins of rainbows and the mysterious disappearance of young foals and fillies!" Nearing the verge of hysterics she let out a nervous chuckle that more resembled dry-heaving while her eyes started to drift apart.
"Okay, okay I believe you. Calm down!" After some breathing exercises and a refill of tea, Rainbow dash slowly did so. With the peace back in place the two mares shared a period of companionable silence. However it was soon broken by Rainbow dash.
"Say Twilight, was there anything wrong before I uh- 'landed'...?" She asked obviously trying to avoid the subject of her impromptu entry.
She gave Rainbow dash a questioning look in response
"Well its just that while you were... 'napping' your face was all like this." Rainbow dash gave her a supposed impression of her face. It appeared to be a face of absolute shock. As if she had seen a poster of herself offering to smooch the next pony to traverse a maze created by a grade school filly.
"But that can't be possible." She contemplated. "Although, that was an oddly precise simile on my part. I wonder why I used such a specific-
Oh dear Celestia no"
"Oh dear Celestia no! " Twilight exploded. Showing the exact same hysterics as Rainbow dash was a few minutes ago.
Rainbow dash, unaware of the turmoil occurring inside the mind of Twilight asked her distraught friend. "What? What's wrong?"
The silenced princess, shaking with a virtual concoction of emotions handed the morning paper to the pegasus. Rainbow raised an eyebrow at this but read the paper anyways. Just as it was for Twilight, the problem did not register for her immediately. She took a large sip of tea, intent on finishing the cup when the truth hit her with all the subtlety of herself wearing a blood stained lab coat boasting about her 20% increase in coolness crashing into Twilight a barely sub-sonic speeds.
At that moment Rainbow dash performed that year's fourth best spit take. Emptying the entire contents of her mouth onto the unfortunate mare beside her. Completely drenching her in a way reminiscent to a cartoon. The ejected fluid then became the catalyst to allow Twilight to let out the scream that was previously interrupted.
That morning, all the residents of Ponyville that were still peacefully slumbering were not awakened by a rooster's call, but instead the psychopathic siren's call of their new princess of friendship.
GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA...
...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Applejack was startled out of her apple bucking reverie by a ear-splitting wail. After her ears stopped ringing she let out angrily "Darn it! Who startled the witch?"
"Pills here!" Big McIntosh dressed casualty in dress shirt was going around finding bottles in seemingly random spots "Ee-yup! Peeeeelz."
"Well it ain't him" She tsked disapprovingly. "Horseapples! Gotta' find out what crazy pony is leaving all these dang pills 'round here!"
Since Big Mac was the only pony that was near her vicinity she decided there was nothing more she could about either matters.
Letting out an angry huff she returned to her work. Intent on finishing bucking the row of trees she was on before noon ended. She turned around to give one of the trees a deft kick, but she was halted by another interruption.
"Applejack! Applejack! You gotta see this Twilight's on the paper and- Oomph!
Out of the corner of her eye Applejack saw a red, orange, yellow, green, blue, and purple streak collide with one of her prized apple trees. It wasn't uncommon that this happened, but strangely this time the streak had a few strokes of black and white added to the mix.
"Howdy Rainbow. How's yer morning been?"
"Totally awesome!" The pegasus hopped out of the tree, not in the least fazed by her second crash of the day (fourth if you count clouds). "But that's not important. Here, look at this paper!"
Applejack took the newsprint with a skeptical look. "Dash I know yer fast and all-"
"The fastest!" She confirmed
"Yes, the fastest pony I know but what the hay is so important that ya had to come all the way here ta show me?"
"Just look-
oh wait I take that back, don't! I'll be right back!" She bolted into the Apple family farmhouse. Startling Applebloom who was halfway through sucking down her bowl of Apple Jacks (cereal not the pony), she did a quick search of the pantry and rushed back to Applejack (pony not the cereal). "Here" She said handing Applejack a mug of cider."Drink this"
Applejack wanting to know what in Luna's moon was going on, raised the mug to her lips, flipped the paper over,
And performed that year's third most impressive spit-take. Rainbow Dash narrowly dodged the fountain of cider as her friend had a sudden need to clear her lungs.
"Twilight's lookin' fer suitors? But why? Why now? And why advertise it?" ~~A few~~ a lot more "Why?"s later Applejack hurriedly read the rest of the article. "Anypony? Are ya kidding me? Any old pony can just waltz through this maze and win Twilight? And it's the maze being hosted on ma farm no less?"
"hey Apple? Equestria to Applejack? Helloooo ~
"Wait. It says anypony ... I'm anypony! I still have a chance! I could kiss the mare I like-"
"Apple you know I'm still here right?"
"-AND I MEAN THAT IN THE MOST FRIENDLIEST, PLATONIC WAY POSSIBLE." Applejack yelled as a blush started to appear, remembering she had company.
"Suuure... Just, do you have any ideas how to fix this? I already talked to Twilight and she said this is all just a misunderstanding."
Hearing this Applejack was greatly relieved that her friend wasn't "putting herself out there" in such a blatant, almost illegal way (as well as a little disappointed at the loss of her opportunity, but she wouldn't admit to that).
Unable to think of ideas she looked back down at the newspaper and noticed something that might be useful
"Hey Dash, it says that this 'here poster was printed at the Ponyville Post office. Maybe y'all could ask fer a recall or somethin'?
"Hey that might work! I'll go tell Twi about your idea!"
"Wait! Whatever ya do... Don't tell Twilight about what I said earlier" The mare looked down nervously
"... About what?"
Applejack groaned, not wanting to repeat her embarrassing confession. "Y-ya know, how I said that I-I... Like Twilight"
"You like Egghead?" She tilted her head. She didn't remember Apple anything like that before
Applejack facehoofed at Rainbow's density "You know what? Forget I said anything."
"Okay. Bye then." The pegasus launched herself into the air and started to fly back to the castle. Before she got too far she turned back to the farmer and hovered in the air. "Oh, and could you tell the other girls about this too?"
"Sure thang sugarcube."
"Thanks AJ!" Rainbow continued her flight to Twilight.
After shaking her head at her friend's lack of perception, Applejack she went to find her brother. It was far from a difficult task as he was still lying on ground mumbling about pills, or rather "peeeelz".
"Mac? I'm goin' ta go run a errand. Could ya finish bucking the rest of these trees?"
Big Mac gave his sister a hazy nod and stood up. He started his bucking again, all the while looking for more bottles of questionable "medicine".
Content, Applejack made her way to Fluttershy. Thinking that of the three that were still uninformed she'd overreact the least.
"Peeelz" mumbled the red colt again.
"Celestia help that boy. He's gone loopier than Pinkie on a sugar high...
On second thought that's a lie. Ain't no Pinkie like a sugar high Pinkie"
Rainbow dash retrieved Twilight from her castle, and this time with considerably less property damage. The two mares then set off for the local post office at first at a near gallop. Rainbow explained Applejack's suggestion along the way. Twilight, greatly relieved by the appearance of such a simple solution slowed the pace to a comfortable trot.
Arriving not long after they went inside the mustard coloured building and were immediately bombarded with the strong odour of ink. Scratch that, the smell was so pungent that it was more appropriate to call it the taste of ink. In fact it was to the point where they could practically feel the fumes brushing up against their coats. It effectively dissolved any comfort they had like it was non-existent in the first place. The only pony who was unaffected by the onslaught of scent was the reception pony, who seemed oddly at ease.
"Hello your Majesty, Rainbow dash! Welcome to the Ponyville postal service department." He greeted in a complete 180 degree mood from the mares. All sunshine and rainbows (Or rather just sunshine while Rainbow dash was rainbows).
The two mares were beyond answering, and instead were undertaking the strenuous task of not coughing up their lungs.
Twilight was appalled by the stench of ink emanating from farther back in the building, and decided to have the conversation where she currently stood. Which was several feet away from the reception desk. Swallowing down her emerging bile she began.
"Hello- cough, cough, cough! H-hello Mister..." She squinted to see his name tag. "Mr. Blot"
"Oh please call me Ink!"
At the comment Rainbow dash excused herself from the premises in search of the nearest bucket and/or trashcan.
"Please, I'd much rather stick with "Mr. Blot" if you may" Twilight managed to hiss out through her teeth.
"Whatever you say your Majesty!"
"Well Mr. Blot I came here to request a recall on some of the posters that were printed here"
"Oh! Uh..." The happy stallion's demeanor dropped ever so slightly. "About that. Due to a recent order, the same one actually, I'm afraid we've ran out of paper." He said apologetically.
Twilight gave a slight twitch at this. "Out of paper?"
"Yeah! So many posters were printed that we've completely exhausted our supply 8.5 in. paper"
"What about paper of any other dimension?"
"Well we could use those, but the branches of some of the bigger cities get really cranky if you don't use legal paper for official requests such as these."
Twilight silently cursed her misfortune at not being able to settle her matters quickly, and thus escape the overpowering miasma of ink.
"We're really sorry about this Princess, but even if we sent the request I'm not sure if it can be done in the first place. Recall orders are usually done on unique items and not mass printed ones."
"How many were printed?" She asked afraid, of the answer. She was guessing around two hundred.
"About two hundred and fifty."
The Alicorn winced at the figure. "At least that isn't too bad" She thought trying to give herself a "glass half full" mindset.
"-And that's just the first print."
"What"
"Whatever was on those posters must've been a big success, because some news firm in Canterlot asked for a second printing. They seemed like nice enough ponies, and since I printed a few short in the first place I agreed."
Twilight steeled herself to ask the question that may seal her fate. "How much paper did you use up in total?" Twilight asked tentatively. She was nearing dangerously close to her wit's end.
"Oh... About a good 1600 lbs. or so."
And with that she was several feet past the point of no return. "Mr. Blot thank you for your time, you have been most helpful. I hope you enjoy the rest of your day." Twilight said in deadly calmness and ambled out the door.
Upon noticing her friend's exit Rainbow Dash, now one full breakfast lighter, flew over to Twilight. "So did it work-"
"No, no it did not" The purple mare finished curtly.
"... Twi you alright?" peered Rainbow cautiously
"Yes I'm quite fine. Why do you ask?"
"Well... It's just that your face is scrunching up all weird. It's starting to look like that Grinch guy from the Dr. Horse sheuss story.
"Rainbow can you move back a bit? I'm going to cast a silencing spell."
The prismatic pegasus obliged and took a few hoofsteps back. Twilight efficiently created a bubble of silence around her form. After a thought she added an opaque quality to the bubble.
Several minutes passed before Twilight stepped back out of the bubble and collapsed it. Without saying anything Rainbow Dash sidled up to the side of Twilight and they both began walking back to their respective homes. Twilight didn't tell Rainbow what she was doing in her bubble, but she didn't need to. When Rainbow reached her cloud home she made sure to close her door tightly. After a short left to right search for good measure,
She proceeded to laugh her flank off.
Author's Note
Yes I'm quite fine. Why do you ask?
Writing about crazy Twilight was fun
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Commutated counterparts, and coalitions with Chaos
Chapter 3
"Nonononono nope nopity nope."
Twilight half-galloped-half-flew as fast as her hooves and wings could carry her. She pounded down the cramped ally she was in, trying to shake her pursuers. So far she hadn't been very successful at this.
It was safe to say Twilight was having a bad day.
"I guess it's safe to say I'm having a bad day." The mare said under her breath while trying to catch it, unknowingly pulling a Deadpool.
"Why oh why oh why does this keep happening to me?" She desperately yelled at nopony in particular. "If the system of karma is correct then in my next life I deserve to be a princess- Oh wait, I already am one !." Twilight seldom used sarcasm, but at the moment she was receiving plenty of practice in her highly livid state.
"What did I do to anger the universe? Did I step on it's marigolds? Did I steal it's seat at the theatre? Come on " Twilight reached a two-way intersection. Choosing to left one she continued her stressful reflection.
"Maybe if I go over what I did today" Although she didn't expect an actual answer, she wanted to block her mind off to her current predicament. Deciding to humour herself she began. "Well first I..."
Ponyville's new morning was just a splendid as the previous. Celestia rose the sun to the sky. It's shining radiance gently waking the residence of the town out of their peaceful slumbers.
Twilight however missed out on this therapeutic experience by a few minutes. Instead she was woken by the not-so therapeutic explosion of fire and brimstone.
A noise that resembled a cross between an earthquake and a popping balloon ripped Twilight from the dream world, and consequently ripped her from her bed and on to the floor. This having happened more times than she'd like to admit she quickly took action through muscle memory.
"What's wrong? Ursas? Tirek?" Pinkie? The last option would be by far the worst case scenario. She whirled her head around trying to find the source of the problem. During her search she noticed that she wasn't alone in the room.
"Nothing's wrong Twilight it's just a letter." A small dragon approached her, thrusting a sealed parchment at her expectantly.
"A letter? Spike how does a letter cause an earthquake?"
The dragonet dawned a sheepish look. "Well... I think the ambers I had last night had a little too much air trapped in them."
"Spike, I told you not to have any gems after dinner. You might, and this time you did get indigestion." Groaning she picked up the letter scroll from his claws and began the task of unfurling it.
Giving a small huff of indignation he made for the door. "I'm going start making breakfast."
Twilight turned her full attention to the now open letter and began reading. Before starting she noted that it was from the Crystal Castle.
Dear Princess Twilight Sparkle,
There has been a disturbance with the portal the previous night. Somepony stepped through the portal, and before the standard guard on post could ask about his/her identity it escaped!
It managed to run out of the castle and took the southern path. This is the most direct path to Ponyville so are assuming it is after you. We do cannot offer any clues to the mysterious pony's business at the moment. We just hope this letter reaches you before it does.
Best of luck.
Twilight narrowed her eyes. "What's all this about? I already have enough on my plate with the accidental hook-up offer." She gave a sigh (something she was doing more often now) and went into the bathroom. She quickly washed and made herself presentable. Picking up a brush with her magic she began working on her mane. Running it's bristles through the knots in her mane. While brushing she mentally prepared herself for the day. It was bound to be a long one.
Four days had passed since the posters were released and given her estimates, many of the contestants should be arriving by today.
She finished her brushing and set down the brush. After quickly washed her face she made her way downstairs.
The pleasant aroma of breakfast wafted throughout the castle's kitchen. Today's meal was bountiful to say the least. Various pastries, fruits, and beverages were lined along the spacious dinning table. Covering every surface of it despite it's impressive size.
"Breakfast looks absolutely wonderful Spike! How did you make all this in time?" Twilight knew that the little dragon was an exceptional cook, but this particular morning he seemed to have pulled out all the stops. In the mere minutes she used for her morning ritual her assistant somehow created a feast singlehoofedly (or in his case singleclawedly).
"What do you mean? I didn't make this." Spike plopped down on his cushion while giving Twilight a confused look.
Not expecting the answer she got, Twilight gave Spike an equally perplexed face. "If you didn't make breakfast then who did?"
"I thought you ordered it from the Sugarcube Corner or something. All of it was just sitting outside beside the mailbox, or at least the over-sized container you call a mailbox."
"I didn't order any food." All of Spikes answers are just making more questions she thought.
"Well no use letting it go to waste I suppose, and besides, you can't complain about free food." Spike started helping himself to a portion of steaming apple tart.
Not wanting to eat the food before knowing her benefactor Twilight continued her questioning. "Spike, when you picked up the food were there any clues to where it came from?"
The dragonet chewed thoughtfully for a moment. He did remember something peculiar about the food delivery. "Well I'm not sure if this helps but all of the food came in separately wrapped baskets, and all of the baskets looked different. I kind of looked like they all came from different sources."
"Huh?"
"Yeah." he continued. "And a lot of them also had letters in them. They're over there." He pointed a clawed finger at a large stack of letters over on his left.
Twilight levitated one of the letters towards her. She took some time looking at it's official looking, but unrecognizable seal.
I should polish up on my seals later . With that thought she broke open the letter and began reading. However no sooner then she began she immediately dropped her head on the table and groaned.
"Ugh already?" She protested.
Giving pause on his bite into his bagel Spike asked "What's wrong Twilight?"
"I'll save the details for later, but basically the poster I made with Scootaloo five days ago misprinted and now all of Equestria thinks I'm looking for a coltfriend."
Spike gave a small snicker at this.
"It's not funny!"
"It is when you react like that." He replied matter-of-factly, and still laughing.
Twilight gave a low huff, choosing to ignore Spike's comment. She started to eat her long awaited breakfast, but didn't
get very far.
"That explains today's headline then."
Oh how she tried to ignore that. She planned on asking after she enjoyed her much deserved food. Unable to restrain her curiosity she eventually dropped her fork.
*sigh* "What was in the paper?" She asked defeated by the undoubtedly Pandora's box statement.
"Oh nothing." he teased "Just that apparently ponies from all over Equestria, and beyond have taken temporary residence in Ponyville."
The air Twilight was breathing had a sudden urge to vacate her lungs.
"Furthermore, every pony seems to be here for the same reason; Princess Twilight's proposal." The young dragon said with a grin.
Now the food that Twilight consumed was starting to show signs of follow her breath.
"So far the growing count of stallions and quite a few mares number around sixty-"
Twilight visibly relaxed. She could handle sixty.
" -But is expected to reach well over a hundred by the end of today."
Twilight simply sat there on her cushion. Blank faced and blinking periodically. Spike finished his plate and waddled to kitchen to find relief for his pent-up laughter. A while passed before the Alicorn broke her statue-like trance
"By Celestia, by Discord, By William Shackler, I don't care who! But I swear on them that I'm going to absolutely savour my breakfast even if it outright kills me ." Twilight picked up her fork and ate her meal as if nothing was out of the ordinary. The only individual who did notice her rage was her unfortunate hash browns that was forced to bare the brunt of her passive aggression.
Twilight marched up the stairs and into her study, stomping her hooves irritated. Although she specifically arranged the large room to be as welcoming as possible by resembling her old library, it's usual reminiscent soothing was ineffective. Her problem with the posters was bad enough. Now she had to deal with a runaway pony from the human world. Not to mention that the whoever it was, they seemed to be after her .
"Maybe I could ask Sunset for her opinion. She might have some clues to who it is." She made to reach for some stationary but decided against it. "No the letter said that "anonymous pony" would be arriving today. She won't be able to respond in time."
Putting the matter aside she instead turned her focus towards solving the elephant in the room. The suitor situation. It starting to get out of hoof, and needed to be dealt with as top priority.
"I already tried recalling the posters and that didn't go well." She gave her mane a discrete sniff that to her dismay, still held an ink smell that made her stomach want to swap places her esophagus. "Also there's too many ponies too just tell them to leave. I won't exactly be "best pony" if I tell all the countless visitors, and in part representatives of the world to travel all the way to some small town and then shoo them away. That'll be extremely rude at best."
Twilight fiddling with her quills (or as Spike liked to call it "nervous tick #12"). " Maybe I can just alter the maze so that it has no exits...
Nah that wouldn't work. There's bound to be somepony who cheats."
Twilight got up from her broad stool and started pacing back and forth in her study (nervous tick #25). "Come on Twilight, all you need is imagination" An image of a sentient sponge with the power to manipulate rainbows popped into her head at the statement. "Now that's a little too much imagination."
She continued her mechanical pacing. On the odd chances that Spike catches her doing this he would usually point out that the motion was helpful as neither inspiration, nor exercise. Well today was the day she proved him wrong. A figurative candle lit on top of Twilight's horn, enlightening her thoughts. To solve the problem of cheaters all she had to do was simply post a few guards within the maze. As a princess requesting guards can be easily done. Solving the dilemma of cheaters.
Twilight was about to indulge herself in a small hoof-pump for her figurative candle but her parade was rained on by a literal candle. A fortunately unlit candle dropped on her forehead. Effectively sending her celebratory mood up in smoke.
"Ow..." She rubbed her head with her hoof and looked up to spot her candelabra swaying dangerously. "Huh. did something hit the roof? Better not be Rainbow again or I'm going to give her a stern, well composed lecture." (for future reference Rainbow Dash found this hilarious)
The purple mare went over to a window right of the room's door. Since the room's height gave her a vantage point over the castle she threw open the tinted glass to inspect for damages. However, instead of the high-rise view she was expecting she got a unicorn stallion face.
"Hello Princess Sparkle!"
"Aaah! Twilight stumbled away from the pony that was latched onto her windowsill. He casually climbed in, all the while giving her a ear-to-ear grin, and if it were biologically possible, a full 360 wrap-around. "What in Luna's moon are you doing outside my window you crazy pony!"
"Your Majesty! You truly wound me. Do you not remember, or have you forgotten so soon?" The still beaming pony feigned hurt.
Twilight squinted at the new figure. Indeed his appraisal seemed familiar. Pale yellow coat, candy striped mane, boater hat, bow tie, the fog was clearing from her memory but something was missing.
"*sigh* perhaps were really are two halves, brother." Another stallion climbed in through the window. He was identical to the first. Wait... This one had a mustache.
The appearance of the second pony finally jogged her memory clear. "Flim, Flam? What are you doing here? And why did you climb through my window?"
Flim (or is that Flam?) approached Twilight and hoofed her a pamphlet. "Well we just so happen to be a teeny-weeny itsy-bitsy little bit..."
"Bankrupt." His brother finished.
"Yes, and so we thought if we win you could swap our winning smooch with sponsorship for our new product. A backing from a big figure such as a princess would be great for our business. Plus you already did one for that young filly."
Twilight looked down at the product. It looked like a decent enough product. A quick and easy way to clean your coat, but knowing the brothers it was almost certainly a scam. She read to bottom of the pamphlet where she found the expected twist.
... And you can have this wonderful product for only 6 bits*!
*ten easy payments of 6 bits plus tax
She frowned in disappointment. "No"
"Excuse me?" Flam's grin lost it's shiny luster at her reply.
"I said no, I am not sponsoring you. Now get out."
"B-but it's fun to play with your Schtickey!"
"Out."
"Oh I know!" Flim pitched in. "Are you hungry? You're gonna love my nuts!"
"Look, I've had a rough morning, and I don't have time to deal with you two. So I'd really appreciate it if you would see yourselves out." Twilight started to well up magic in her horn causing it to glow a faint purple.
'If you don't have time then want a quick-"
The barbershop pony was cut off as Twilight fired her spell and teleported the two ponies outside the castle gate. She went over to the open door and sealed it tightly, vowing on the pink streak in her mane to never opening it again. "I. Regret. Everything ."
"Twilight, you got another letter." Spike entered the study holding a coiled up parchment.
Twilight mentally cringed. All the letters she had received in the past five days have all carried bad news. Since it wasn't adressed from the Mongols it wasn't likely to be an exception. Preparing for the worst she cautiously opened the letter. The letter, if you could call it that, wasn't really a letter at all. Just some short, simple commands.
Dear [Princess] Sparkle,
The first thing she took notice of was that "Princess was written sloppily. As if it was squeezed in as an afterthought.
Make sure that middle the room in the farthest right big tower thingy is empty. That is all.
"Uh, okay? Thanks Spike for the letter Spike... I guess."
The dragon gave a grunt of recognition and left the room to continue doing whatever dragons do, leaving Twilight to her own devices.
Curious to why she was told to clear the space of her study she dragged her desk back a few hooflengths and waited. She didn't have to wait long as the middle of the room started glowing in an ethereal light.
"Starswirl's beard, what now? She groaned.
The light started to converge near the ceiling into an jagged opaque line. The rip in reality gradually expanded and at it's peak it started to draw in the surrounding air. The vacuum effect grew increasingly stronger, as well as louder in volume. Twilight's eardrums began to pop painfully from the sudden change in air pressure. The heavy quality of the air almost became unbearable until the whole ordeal brusquely ended. The tear, now gone was replaced with an aqua mare.
Twilight blinked a few times. Firstly to make sure her eyes were still in their sockets and not stolen by essentially a giant vacuum cleaner. Secondly to confirm that a pony materialized out of thin air and is currently floating well above her own height.
Said mare turned her head to the right, then to the left, even doing a twirl for good measure. All the while remaining off ground.
"What is with this room? There's nothing in here and the ceiling is so low! The great and powerful Trixie is not amused."
Trixie? Twilight could only stare with her mouth open. A million and one questions were racing around her head. She wondered what the best way to break the silence was when your companion was displaying the ultimate insult to gravity. Worried that the laws of physics were starting to get ticked off she started with a safe question.
"H-hello?"
Trixie jumped at her voice. She whirled her head around trying to find the source of the question.
"Sparkle is that you? Show yourself to Trixie."
"Um... Down here."
Trixie looked down as directed and widened her eyes in surprise.
"What is Sparkle doing down there? Are you trying to hide from Trixie's great and powerful splendor?" Smirking she flipped the turquoise mane residing under her signature hat.
Twilight tried to think of a way to break the news to her unexpected guest. She decided to go for a blunt approach.
"Trixie you're floating in mid air."
The magician gave her a disbelieving laugh. "Twilight that's impossible, the great and powerful Trixie does not subconsciously activate levitation spellssssoh ."
An awkward silence ensued as Trixie froze in place. Not wanting to, or knowing when gravity would reactivate.
Twilight kept staring expectantly. "So are you just going to stay up there or-"
"Book reader, catch!" Trixie took the initiative and leaped into Twilight, hoping that she'd break her fall.
Her hopes were misplaced as Twilight fell under her new weight. She attempted to stand back up, but the mare on top of her had a similar idea at the same time. Neither mares were successful and both mares collapsed into a tangle of limbs.
"Hey Twilight you got a visitor-" Spike entered the room without knocking (since Twilight never hears it anyways when she's concentrating), He soon regretted his choice to abandon courtesy. His pupils shrank and his purple scales blazed into a bright red blush at the scene. He took the scene as a cue to leave. "Sorry for interrupting!" He squeaked. He ran out and shut the door behind him.
"Wait! *Mmph* It's not what it looks like!" Twilight managed to untangle herself from Trixie and contemplated going after Spike, but decided against it. She facehoofed (something else she was doing more often as of late) and returned her focus on her self-invited company.
Trixie got up and gave back a cross glare. "What part of "catch" is so difficult to understand Sparkle?" Pausing her complaining she raised a hoof to her head. "Why is Trixie wearing a tiara? And where is Trixie's cape?!" Trixie started to panic. Losing her cape was her biggest fear behind losing her hat.
At Trixie's anxious question Twilight noticed an unusual weight across her back. She craned her neck too see what it was and saw that she was somehow wearing the missing cape.
"Hey, give back Trixie's cape!"
Twilight obliged, unclasping the article of clothing (she noted the clasp held a dove insignia) and returned it to Trixie. Upon it's return her rival immediately grabbed it and held in a protective stance. Assessing that there were no more threats to the cape's safety she began caressing the cloth while whispering to never let it go again.
Twilight simply rolled her eyes at the display "So Trixie, why did you come back to Ponyville.?"
The mare looked away as her cheeks began to tint "The great and powerful Trixie has decided bestowed her priceless time on you because of a certain poster-"
"Oh, look at the time! I'm pretty busy with uh... Princess-y stuff so I'll be going now." Twilight by now learned that nothing good can come from the words "poster". She dashed out the room as fast as she could and ran down the hallway, planning to lock herself in the safety of her bedroom.
In the words of my future self: "Nonononono nope nopity nope"
Author's Note
Vince Offers can't sue me because I added an extra "E" to Schticky
Hope you like this chapter, it was going to be way longer but I've kept you waiting long enough so I just cut it in half. The next chapter is going to start off immediately after this one because of that.
If you want an extra challenge try to guess every reference. I put in a few
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Stubbing second scenes and starting staring shows
Stubbing second scenes and starting staring shows
Chapter 4
Wanna try a thought experiment? 'Course you do!
Picture this: A horse.
And not just any horse, a purple horse. A talking purple horse. A talking purple horse with wings and a horn. A talking purple horse with wings and a horn, filled with more magic than an entire book series about a boy with a lightning scar on his head, with an abnormal fear of suitors, inside a castle completely surrounded by suitors, and a universe run by a deity with Michael Bay syndrome.
Now you may be asking, "Why the hell did you just tell me imagine that?" If you are then don't worry, I have a perfectly good explanation. A scientific experiment is something that can be conducted right? Well then, let's do it.
Twilight Sparkle was galloping faster than a black Friday shopper to anywhere except her study. Yesterday the mare became the first pony in recorded history to get "posterphobia", and unfortunately for her, the pony in her study wanted to talk to her about well, posters.
She pounded down the spiraling staircase, leaping over the entirety of the last landing of steps. She raced across the long smooth stone hallway in a matter of seconds before sharply turning into the left corridor.
Where was she going? I have absolutely no idea, and neither did she.
"Runrunrunrunrun. Don't think. Just run." With that that single-minded mindset she flew down the flight of stairs at the end of the corridor and burst into the foyer of the castle's south entrance. Without a second thought she crossed the foyer for the connection to the dinning hall. A few moments later the mare trotted back into the foyer and turned her attention on the painting adorning the back wall.
The painting was a choice piece of some foreign characters in the shape of a gate with a simplistic skull on top. "Is it just me or is the frame tilted half a degree to the right? Wait no! Not the time for this. Keep running!"
Re-entering the dinning hall she ran past (and through) the numerous chairs, which were by pure coincidence scattered within the room rather than lined up at the table.
"This is it. All I have to do is get through here, go up the grand staircase, lock myself in my bedroom and I'm home free!" Twilight's plan was flawless, or so she thought for seven seconds. As soon she reached the end of the dinning room she spectacularly crashed into a green and purple mass.
"Oww... Twilight, why are you running like your Arnold Schwarzeneighger for a chopper?"
"Sorry Spike I don't have time to talk!" Ignoring the pain she stood up and exited the room.
"Wait I came to tell you that-!" Was all Twilight heard before she zoned out again. She accelerated back into her reckless galloping pace and charged up the colossal staircase that connected the ground floor to more residential parts of the castle.
The climb up was a blur for her. She placed her hoof on the first step, then the next thing she knew she was turning the lock to her bedroom door.
Flopping to the floor she finally allowed herself to relax. Her bedroom was her sanctuary. As long as the door in front of her was locked nopony could bother her about anything. Including posters, partners, or even princess duties.
She closed her eyes and let out a content sigh. The actual maze event wasn't due for another two days. So today she was going to experience procrastination for the first time, and shirk her duties until dinner.
Eyes still closed, she ambled towards her bed by memory. She climbed on top of the mattress and made her way to the middle of the spacious bedding. Once reaching her destination she unceremoniously let go of herself and dropped into the bed's fluffy expanse. Too tired to bother with blankets she settled for a pillow instead. Blindly reaching around for one. On her third try she felt something soft, not wanting to use her muscles she lazily rolled over on top of it and enveloped it in her hooves.
"This is Heaven~" Twilight kept her eyes firmly shut. At the moment she wanted nothing more than to just sleep through the day. No suitors, no Flim and Flam, no Trixie, just her and her pillow. Her soft, warm, leather jacket wearing pillow. She was half way down the road to dreamland when it hit her. Pillows don't wear leather jackets
The Alicorn ripped her eyes open to find herself face-to-face with Sunset in her human form blushing as bright her namesake.
"H-hey Twi..."
Springing back, Twilight landed on the very edge of the bed and teetered off. She re-emerging from the bed's end with a blush of her own. "Sunset! Wha -what are you doing here? "
"I came to talk to you... Why were you trying to mount me?"
"I uh- thought you were a pillow?" Twilight tried hopefully
"That doesn't really explain much."
"I know! Sorry, I had really tough day and so as soon as I entered my room I shut my eyes closed, and I was reaching around for a pillow I felt something soft-"
"Which was my boob."
"Anyways I'm really really sorry for ... Mounted you." Cringing from the awkwardness the situation was she tried her best attempt at a diffusing smile. Apparently didn't try hard enough.
Sunset winced at the sincere, but painfully misshapen smile. "Well I'm pretty sure you didn't do that on purpose. Besides I have more important things to talk about."
"... Like what?"
"Like a certain poster about a certain pony."
"Oh come on ! How do you know about that? You're in the human world!"
"It was posted on 4chan."
"Who is this "4chan?"
"N-nothing. You don't need to know." Sunset looked away, blushing once more.
Note to self, research "4chan" "So you were saying?"
"Huh? Oh yeah, is that poster real? Are you actually holding a contest for your coltfriend-to-be?"
"Actually depending on who wins it may be a marefriend..."
Anyways no, poster isn't real. There was an error during printing, but unfortunately I can't cancel the contest. Too many of the contestants have already arrived to call it off."
Sunset took the information in. So the poster is fake, but the prize was still up for grabs.
"Do you have any other business in Ponyville Sunset?"
"Um, no. Why do you ask?"
"I know that you care about me and all, but did you really have to come all the way here to talk to me? You could have just sent a message."
"Well about that... I was planning on competing."
Twilight who was caught off-guard by the answer. She stared blankly at the girl in front of her. "What."
"Yeah, I'm going to compete in the maze. Can't be that hard right?"
Twilight made a mental checklist. So the pool of ponies I potentially have to kiss is: two frauds, a magician, and now; someone who isn't even a pony." "Why in Equestria do you want to compete?"
Sunset Didn't answer. She looked like she was trying to making a difficult choice. After a few moments she came to a decision. She took a deep breath and spoke. "Twilight your my friend right?"
"Yes." She replied without hesitation.
"What if I wanted to be more than that?"
"... Come again?"
Sunset steeled her nerves and prepared to go through one of the most important moments in her life. "Twilight I-"
Sparkle!
In an act of perfect timing, Trixie barreled through the door the previously locked door. Destroying both the lock, and the mood.
"Trixie?" Twilight exclaimed in surprise.
"Sparkle!"
"Trixie?" Sunset said shocked.
"Not Sparkle?"
"Trixie!" Sunset spat.
"Shimmer?" Trixie was not expecting company. "Twilight!"
"Y-yes?"
"Why is bacon girl here?"
"Uhh... "
"Twilight!" Sunset regained her attention.
"Yes sunset?"
"What is she doing here?"
"Hey, Trixie asked first!" The magician impatiently demanded
"Like Tartarus you did!"
"How dare you speak to the great and powerful Trixie like that!"
Sunset scoffed "More like the cheap and egotistical."
"You. Did. Not." Trixie's voice lowered dangerously
"Deal with it!"
"Come at me b- where is Sparkle?"
Sunset snapped out of her raged tunnel vision and looked around her. Indeed there was a distinct lack of Alicorn in the room.
The two stopped arguing and looked around. Although the bedroom was fairly large, there was no obvious places a full-sized pony could hide in. Sunset opened the door to the bathroom but that too was empty. She searched the bed, the drawers, at the end she gave up and instead opted to enjoy the view the room's window provided. Afternoon was starting to give way to evening placing a dim orange tint on the town. She realized that it had been more than several years since the last time she was in Ponyville. Much had changed since then. The most obvious change being an entirely new castle. It practically screamed "notice me senpai" to the royal Canterlot castle that was visible in the distance. For Sunset though, the biggest difference was Twilight. More specifically how she felt about her.
Trixie spotted Sunset staring out the window and went over to the reminiscing girl. They shared companionable silence, as if their heated argument never happened. Trixie looked at Sunset's unfocused eyes. It didn't take a genius to know what was going on in her head.
"You like Twilight."
"Huh?" how did she..?
"How does Trixie know?" Sunset could only nod, dumbfounded by the mare's mind reading. "You have this look in your eyes, the same one I had."
"So you like-"
"Yes, Trixie also likes Twilight Sparkle. That's why I'm here. To compete."
Right, duh Sunset mentally smacked herself at the obvious answer. "So that makes us rivals, huh?"
Trixie gave a wry smile. "Yes, yes it does." She turned her gaze back to the beautiful panorama. The view was fantastic from the bedroom. Any pony (or person she added looking at Sunset) with the privilege to have this vantage point could see all of Ponyville. Every house, every street, every mob of well dressed ponies, the Everfree forest-
Wait what?
Trixie doubled taked and looked back at the mob. A herd of ponies, dressed to impress were all galloping down the same street. Spearheading the charge was a purple pony who was a little ways in front of the group. On closer inspection the pony was not leading, but seemed to be running away. Which probably meant...
"Found her!" Trixie and Sunset said simultaneously. In perfect synchronization they took off, eager to find Twilight again.
"Well I can't think of a single reason I deserve this, but that's not stopping it from happening now is it?"
Twilight cleared another alleyway and came to a four-way intersection. More gift bearing suitors prevented the use of the front and left paths, so logically she turned into the open right. Right, left, left again, straight, Twilight's mind was devoted solely to these commands as she tried to lose her chasers.
"This is starting to look like one of those "Agent Sweetie Drops" movies that Rainbow likes. Only difference, I'm not cringing at it's cliche character, I am the cliche."
Forward, forward, back, back, left, right, left, right- no straight. Twilight narrowly avoided a head-on collision with one of her potential bride-to-be's. After she put some distance from the mare she realized the mare was none other than Zecora
"Seriously Zecora?" She yelled at the zebra behind her.
"Alas, 'tis true. I am in love with you! She giggled back
Twilight groaned. Zecora was a dear friend to her but she was a friend .
Ponyville's Alley system sprawled throughout the town. During the construction of the residential district the pony in charge of operations made a grievous error. The specialist was called up from Las Pegasus and read the blueprints in the Imperiallion system when he should have been using Maretric. His mistake caused the houses to be smaller and in turn, the spaces between them larger creating an expansive backstreet.
Twilight recalled this history lesson from one of her books on Ponyville history. She never thought that such an accident made before her, and even her parent's birth could benefit her. "Thank you unnamed construction worker. You have unintentionally saved me from death by embarrassment. The ruination of your career was not in vain" She muttered her gratuity and sped onward.
She took in her surroundings to try and get a sense of direction. Specifically she looked for a telltale landmark she could use. Passing by one of the alley's entrances she spotted a god-sent street sign. "Coltleview drive... That's near the Apple farm. I can hide there!" She quickened her pace with renewed enthusiasm. Her prize lying just beyond the intersection. "Come on, come, on. Almost there..."
"Ah, there you are princess!" At the ally's intersection a white stallion stepped forward. "I finally have a chance to talk to you. Might I say you absolutely ravishing tonight, almost as much as me!"
"Sorry Prince Blueblood! I'm afraid I need to go and do uh... Princess-y stuff!" She quickly fired off a teleportation spell and effectively bypassed the egotistical blockade without missing a beat. However she was left not without chills from the Princes' comment. "Ravishing? No, just no."
Twilight broke free of the backstreets and emerged out into the setting sunlight. The sudden change in lighting made her squint a little, but stoically she pressed onward. The only thing separating her, and the safety of the apple farm's barn was a small field and a picket fence. Small potatoes compared to her Alleyway venture.
As the barn approached the last of her worries fading away was the thought "Surely Applejack is fine, right?"
Funny how she keeps assuming this
Applejack was in the barn forking hay to be dried out. The task was tedious and labour intensive, but with her lifestyle she was more than use to it. She simply opted to lose herself in her work which made things considerably easier. Being able to zone out proved useful on many occasions, especially when she was less than eager to conduct the repetitive action of pitching the oversived fork. However, this time around her useful skill was nearly fatal.
Like an old western movie the barn doors slammed open, causing the farmer to leap into the air and flush whiter than the picket fence she whitewashed that afternoon.
Twilight hurriedly entered the barn and shut the doors behind her. She waited a few moments, the last few days of experience had taught her to never assume she was safe. Ten seconds past... Twenty... Thirty... Convinced she slumped in relief. Safety at last. She turned to face the barn's interior to see two things. 1: a rather dangerous looking pitchfork, and 2: a ghost holding said pitchfork.
Twilight's mind broke down. In front of her stood a sheet white earth pony mare. Except she wasn't standing, she was floating.
The first thing that Twilight thought was "Huh, that disproves the "Granny Smith immortality" theory." Then she noticed the ghost's features. They were definitely not Granny Smith's, but instead resembled Applejack. However, something was missing from the look, something like...
Twilight looked above spirit jacks' head to find her signature stetson floating higher yet. The ghost is Applejack confirmed.
"Umm... Apple? Are you alright?
"... Error. Applejack.exe is not responding."
"Okay I found out that my friend runs on windows, that's not weird at all." She said in utter confusion. "Oh well at least she's not blue screening."
At that very moment Applejack rippled from ghastly white to a uniform LED blue.
"I spoke too soon." sighing she got on the task of fixing her friend. "Lets see if I remember that programming book. C\ (run) > .exe?"
The command "Choose directory" projected on Applejack's sides.
"(C:)/windows/system/Applejack.exe"
"Applejack.exe is not found"
dang it Strapped for ideas she returned to her memory. Shuffling through the figurative files of her mind. A worn document here, a dusty cabinet there, when finally-
"I know! Ctrl+Alt+Del!"
"Gah! Applejack fell to the ground and returned to her standard orange coat.
"Glad to see your back to normal Apple Jackson " She chuckled.
"Ugh, Twi, y'all did not just make that joke."
"I didn't, the writer did."
Still groaning Applejack got to her hooves. "Twi who in the tarnation is this writer fellow?"
"Well you see Applejack, this barn has four walls right?"
"Yeah, yeah it does."
"Well I just broke the fourth one."
"... Hun are ya feelin' alright? That ain't make a lick o' sense"
"I know! But with the day I've been having so far I don't care!" Twilight gleefully started giggling. Apparently finding the conversation to be hilarious. Her laughter grew in volume until it rung throughout the barn.
While the princess laughed uncontrollably Applejack took the opportunity to check her surroundings. She was still in the barn. The only difference being now the room contained a maniacal mare.
"She has the cutest crazy laugh " sprung into Applejack's head. "Wait no! Bad Applejack! Now ain't the time tah be thinkin' 'bout that kinda stuff! "
"Why not? Interjected her subconscious. "Y'all are here all by yer lonesomes'. Y'could have yer way with her while she's still nuttier than cousin Lunar Harvest." Applejack's pervy side ended off with a wink
Sh-shut up! And don't ya wink at me, ya'll ain't even have a face!"
"Oh, but ya didn't deny that ya want tah mess around with Twilight~"
"No! Yer just mah imagination. Ah wouldn't do anything like that tah Twi! Ah most definitely ain't in love with Twilight!
"Ee-yup. Sure ah believe ya"
"I ain't-"
"Applejack, you know you're monologuing right?"
Applejack froze. A blushing Twilight stood in front of her. Applejack realized that she was voicing her thoughts. "Ah, Uh- 'Course ah do!"
"And what was that part near the middle? Did you say that you want to..."
"Horseapples she heard! Celestia help me, ah just told mah crush I want tah do her. Please let something happen to end this conversation, anything!"
It seemed that Applejack was far more luckier than Twilight, because her prayers were immediately answered. The barn doors burst open and the suitor swarm started flooding in. They almost resembled an angry mob if you replace the torches and pitchforks with candy and flowers. Either way, an angry mob is always an effective conversation killer.
"What the- how did they find me?" Twilight stared in disbelief as her safe haven of the Sweet Apple Acres barn was destroyed before her eyes. A remote location such as itself shouldn't have been so easily found, but it was. How...
She chanced a look down at the ground and saw a trail of white hoofprints leading to her. The picket fence she had climbed over must have had wet paint on it.
"[Swears and profanities that'll change the story rating if I actually wrote it]" She swore as the tsunami of ponies reached her. The last thing she saw before she blacked out was a explosion of light, and what looked like a horribly disfigured goat.
Author's Note
Sorry for late update
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Inter-dimensional Iliads for insane inquiries
Inter-dimensional Iliads for insane inquiries
Chapter 5
It was a dark and stormy night...
Though I'm quite not sure how that's possible in a world without time, or weather. Never mind let me start over.
~~It was a dark and stormy night~~ Twilight woke up groggily. Her eyelids felt like lead and her limbs felt like dead weights. Whatever she was doing the day before she was definitely not doing it again. She couldn't quite put her hoof on what it was though.
Mentally shrugging she closed her eyes again and shifted to a more comfortable position, determined to not be not determined. Settling in once more she drifted back in her peaceful slumber. Today Twilight was going to sleep in no matter what happened. Come Parasprites, Nightmare, or even the britallions, she was not getting out of bed.
That is, if she had a bed to begin with.
Twilight leaped to her hooves and looked around her in panic. She wasn't in her bedroom, or her castle, hay she wasn't even indoors! She was instead on floating chunk of flat rock. There wasn't much to say about her rock, it was only a few ponylengths in both length and width, and felt sturdy, but it was most definitely floating. She looked for an exit but the only other landmasses were other rocks floating in the distance, and the only difference they had to her's was the type of flooring they had. The entire ensemble of stone existed in a strange purple space, she wasn't in Ponyville anymore that was for sure. Regardless that her name wasn't Dorthy.
Turning around she spotted a... House? A building that looked like it was constructed out of salvaged parts from previously demolished ones hovered in the distance. From the bits and pieces she could see it seemed residential in purpose, but then again nothing was making sense since she woke up.
"I wonder if this place has street signs?." Wishful thinking on Twilight's part, but when she looked to her right such a street sign was slowly drifting towards her. "Huh, that was easy." She said to herself while remembering a commercial for "Stable's business center".
The words on the sign were faded and hard to make out. Twilight had to wait until it drifted closer to her before reading it's directory. "D... I... S... C... Oh dear Celestia please let that say "disco". However when the sign came close enough to read clearly, it displayed the one thing she didn't need at the moment. Face-hoofing she sighed out "urgh, Discord."
"Yes your highness?" Came a voice behind her.
"Gah!" Whipping around she was confronted by the Draconequus of subject giving her the most infuriating grin in existence. "Discord what are you doing here?"
"Why, I could ask you the same question your majesty. After all I do live here!" He throatily chuckled.
"Please drop the formalities Discord, I know that you only use that title sarcastically. Also what? You live-" She gestured to the miss-matched house. "There?"
"Yes, welcome to my humble abode Princess!" He snapped his avian fingers and procured a tray of glasses. "Would you like an eyeballtini?"
"N-no thank you." Twilight replied, barley keeping a straight face. She crossed the line on touching corpses at dissection, let alone consumption.
With a dismissive wave of his paw he replaced the tray with a stack of paper. "Well than formalities aside lets get on to business shall we?" He put on a pair of reading glasses and cleared his throat. "*Ahem*. The representative from the party of the chaos realm; Mr. Discord, proposes a deal to her majesty Twilight Sparkle, princess of friendship. He broke his reading to flash her a wolfish grin.
"hoo boy, this is not going to be good."
"The party of Discord shall provide a solution to the so named "poster dilemma". Under the terms of full creative control over it's execution. All concerns that arises during which will be claimed fully responsible by the second party. Information on said solution will disclosed simultaneously with it's release to the general public. All attempts to be informed prior to this will be considered as corporate espionage. Finally, any breach in contract by direct intervention or otherwise will result in it's immediate disbanding." Pawing the physical copy of the terms to Twilight he waited for her response.
Twilight stared at the form, reading and re-reading it for any scams or tricks. Not an easy task if the entire composition was a scam in the first place. She could either give Discord free reign to do whatever he wants, or she could hope and pray that whoever won had remembered to brush their teeth before the race. She was stuck between a rock and a hard place, and what the hard place would be is going to decided by Chaos with a capital C.
"Oh, and another thing." Discord interrupted Twilight's thoughts. "If you need help with your decision I'd like to point out that the maze built by that young filly- Scootaloo was it? Yes, Scootaloo, is only about 1200 square yards for about 200 ponies. Would you like that in Maretric?"
Twilight gawked at the figure. 200 ponies that she potentially needs to smooch, and worst yet among them was prince Blueblood.
"... Do I really have a choice?"
"Why of course you do! Every pony has the right to make his or her own decision. Whether or not you accept my proposal is completely up to you....
Though if I were to break character then no, not really." He ended off with another Cheshire smile.
Twilight sighed defeatedly "Let me stay here for the night and it's a deal." she groaned. In disbelief with herself that she was making a deal with Discord, something she promised not to do.
"Great! Sign here, and here, and here..."
It was a bright and cloudless mid-day, and the school fair was a huge success. Stalls of all kinds were sprawled out on the school grounds containing food, games, prizes, everything a fair should have. Parents of the children that attended the school, as well as the children themselves enjoyed the festivities. Adding to the fun was a sense of pride that the event was put on by none other than themselves. A pleasant ambiance of laughter and music gave entire fair had an upbeat atmosphere. Well, almost the entire fair.
The fair was fairly small (no pun intended), but that was one of it's highlights. It being a very local event, lines for an attraction were usually nonexistent. All of the stalls required no waiting, all except one.
At first glance it looked as if a crowd of crazies were lining up for a stall that wasn't there, but on closer inspection the stall was there, just not here. The line started near the schoolhouse and extended outside school grounds. It snaked along the path to town, brushed against the residential district, up the path to Sweet Apple Acres, and stopped at a small stall run by an orange filly.
Well, more like a stall that used to be ran by an orange filly. Scootaloo was currently hiding behind the stall's wooden counter, and doing an impressive job at it considering the size of the home-made booth.
"Hey!" a gruff voice sounded from behind the plywood she was crouching against. "When is this thing starting?"
"H-half past twelve? I don't really know." she replied sheepishly.
"You don't know?" the stallion (or at least she thought he was, she had yet to actually look at him) said, stomped his hooves in impatience. "don't you have a schedule or something?"
"I do but how in Equestria do you use this thing?" She sprung out from the table and held out what looked to be a grossly over-sized pocket watch that was dropped one too many times. "I just learned how to read analogue, let alone this!" She tried fiddling with one of it's many dials, only to have it start melting in her hooves.
The stallion gave an irritated huffed and walked away muttering "kids"
Scootaloo ducked back into safety to work on deciphering the timepiece again. Re-twisting the dial and banging a couple of times stopped the melting, but in it's stead "Don't Panic" displayed on it's clock face in large friendly letters.
"Don't panic? Don't panic? How the hay do you expect me to do that?"
At the filly's question a mechanism at the bottom began spitting out an endless stream of receipt paper with "42" written on loop.
She hurled the device to the floor. "I am so Done!" Banging her head against the counter for crude stress relief she groaned out "Where- *thud* is- *thud* DISCORD?"
"Now, now, didn't anypony tell you that quitters never win? An amused laugh rang out from behind Scootaloo before she could complete another head slam.
"Speak of the Nightmare" She spun around to face the expected draconequus. "Discord. Where were you." she asked, voice completely flat.
"Preparing the maze of course!" He chuckled "You really must work on your memorization skills."
"You said that you would be done on time."
"And I was. I came back by the time I set on the watch I gave you. Frankly I am a bit confused by your questions young filly." wagging his avian finger he tsked.
"You didn't tell me how to read this thing!" She exasperatedly threw her hooves in the air to emphasize her point.
"What is there to know?" he replied nonchalantly. Picking up the watch from the ground and dusted it off. Then, holding it at arm's length he cleared his throat "What time is it Mr. Wolf?"
"Wolf" whirred and with a click it answered back in a smooth voice. "It is quarter to one, and bluechip stocks are through the roof! Can I interest you in some?"
Scootaloo couldn't hear the last portion over the sound of her jaw slamming on the ground. "That thing can talk...?"
"Well duh, You just heard it talking after all" Discord rolled his eyes in false ignorance.
"The only thing standing between you and your goal is the fake story you keep telling yourself as to why you can't achieve it.” Wolf the talking watch confirmed.
"Yes, yes that's enough from you Wolf."
"Okay I'll stop talking... If you sell me this pen!"
"Hmm, how about..." In the blink of an eye Discord materialized an enormous hammer and slammed it down on the back-talking clock. Where Wolf once was, was now replaced by a hammer larger than all three cutie mark crusaders (or roughly the size of one particular MC's parachute pants) and a sizable indent in the ground. He pulled the hammer's head out to check his handiwork and was me with the satisfaction of a plate of sheet metal. Dusting off his paws/talons he muttered "Hmph. Just because you're a glorified alarm clock doesn't change the fact that you're an alarm clock."
Scootaloo was still lost at "Crappy not-so-pocket watch can talk" and was trying (unsuccessfully) to catch up to "Discord is the whack-a-mole equivalent to Tirek wearing glasses with Scorpan stickers pasted on the lenses.
"Hello? Equestria to Scootaloo, can you hear me?"
The pegasus filly snapped back into reality to see Discord's expectant face. "Er, yeah. So are you done with the modifications to the maze?"
"As a matter of fact I am! Ooh this is going to be so much fun! It's been a while since I was able to do this." He was visibly brimming with glee.
"Do what, Build mazes?" Scootaloo asked curiously. "Well he's awfully excited."
"Not just build mazes, build mazes the way I what! Usually I can't do anything without Celestia butting in and saying: "Nooo Discord, you can't instate yourself as president" , or "Nooo Discord, you can't make "Discord care" mandatory" But you know what? Yes we can! Yes we can! Yes we can!"
Scootaloo backed away from the increasingly unstable ranter. "Discord are you okay?"
"THANKS OBAMARE- Yes I am quite fine thank you."
"I think I understand why Twilight gave those supplementary lessons on "Not talking to the embodiment of chaos 101". I'm starting to regret my choice on not taking an advanced course... So anyways I can let everypony in now right?
"Yes, you can start the race whenever your ready."
Scootaloo chanced a glance at the massive crowd of impatient ponies. "I think I'm ready now, or at least I'll feel better with less daggers being glared at me." Trotting to the "sorry we're closed" sign she borrowed from Pinkie she flipped it so that it read "welcome we're open" Spinning around she announced "Hey everypony the maze is now open-"
And that's as far as she got before she was swamped by the wave of ponies barreling through the maze entrance and the filly blocking the path. Scootaloo had a very strong sense of self preservation and so quickly turned tail and ran from the virtual wall of prospectors.
Looks like the contest just got one more contestant She thought before booking it down the path.
The first thing she noticed that was different was that the maze was a breeze, literally . All the slats and barriers put in were gone. Only the outer ones were still in place so that the maze was closed off from outside. Even the apple trees were gone, leaving nothing but a bare field. The only thing that filled the empty courtyard was a dark swirling mass of magic that blocked the maze's exit. The magical blot rippled like a fabric and produced a faint breeze, thus the literal part. Other than that the maze was nothing.
Scootaloo wasn't the only pony confused about the turn of events. Looking around her all the other ponies also slowed their pace or flat out stopped to gape at the fluctuating behemoth. There was no clear way around the barrier, and although the magic energy looked like a fabric it didn't seem likely that it would give away to force. The stalemate continued until a pony- no wait scratch that, person sprinted towards the ominous shroud.
"Bacon head where are you going? The great and powerful demands to know!" an aqua unicorn ran after her two-legged companion.
"That thing is a portal. The maze must continue on from the other side!" Without slowing down she ran full speed into the portal and merged into it with a ripple.
That seemed to be incentive enough for rest of the contestants. The pony wall began to gained momentum again, following in suit into the inky depths of transpositioning magic.
All who entered was not without their had their own speculations of what awaited them on the other side. Hint, all of them guessed wrong.
What was on the other side was not religious in any fashion, but as soon as the first person stepped through all hell broke loose.
Author's Note
I can finally write about the ~~deathtraps~~ obstacles I thought up! This is going to be fun
I had a little trouble with this chapter, hopefully it came out good. There will be about 3 more chapters left and maybe an epilogue. To anyone reading THANK YOU again this is my first story and I have no clue in hell what I'm doing
Flying toaster out!
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Far-fetched footraces and fathomless photons
Chapter 6
Have you ever heard the saying "History is doomed to repeat itself by those who don't learn it?" Well, nobody said anything about alternate history.
As soon as Scootaloo reoriented herself from the roller coaster of brain explosions called a "portal" she saw...
Well first she saw a bunch of ponies ah, misplacing their meals. By far one of the grossest things she'd ever seen behind what a night full of hard cider does to Rarity.
The next thing she noticed was the expansive field the portal took her to, and a bit surprising that she noticed it second. A circle of colossal stone walls ribbed with archways enclosed the grounds and opened up above to reveal a murky purple sky. The space was so large that it made her original maze look like a newspaper extra in comparison. Above her hung a cloth banner that proclaimed in chiseled letters "A marathon away from Marathon". Other than the sheer size, the arena had no defining features. Perfectly circular and coloured an off white, nothing else struck out of the ordinary. The unbroken monotony of the area gave almost a claustrophobic effect. The stagnant air seemingly pressing against Scootaloo's sides, squeezing her.
She violently shook her head to clear her thoughts. Starting a race by going insane was never a good idea, especially one made by the physical manifestation of chaos. She looked around the crowd of fellow telepoters for the human girl. "She looked like she knew what she was doing."
Said girl was found stumbling around in a dizzy haze. "Okay maybe not so much, but still a step up from retching so I'll give her that."
Careful to avoid the puddles of gastronomic lost-and-found she trotted to the brightly maned- no haired girl (Another one of Twilight's supplementary lessons. "Objectifying non-ponies, for foals/kids/!"), who was currently had her hands on her knees and repeating "never again" over and over.
"hello?" The filly asked tentatively.
The girl simply held out a finger in response, not looking up. After a ten count she finally looked up at her speaker and widened her eyes.
"Ar-" she began before getting cut off by another stomach lurch. Stumbling a bit she righted herself and tried again. "Aren't you a little young to be here? I mean no offence but at your age I was dreaming of being a magical princesses, not kissing one."
"What? Ew, no. Kisses are gross" Scootaloo scrunched up her muzzle. Hadn't this girl ever heard of cooties?
"Then why are you here?"
"I'm the pony who runs this maze. Hiya I'm Scootaloo!" She shot off a winning smile along with her statement.
"And I'm Sunset Shimmer." She replied the greeting "But wait, you're saying that you built-" The she gestured to the coliseum-like grounds "All this?" Skepticism was obviously present in her tone.
"Nope. I run the maze, but the maze was built by-"
"HELLO EVERYPONY!" A booming voice thundered from out of the ~~blue~~ purple (right the sky's a different colour now). All contestants simultaneously jumped in surprise, with the exception of Scootaloo who was completely unfazed.
"Yeah him. It was built by him. speak of the Nightmare. Again. "
"Who the hell was that!" Sunset sputtered.
"STABLE CLAUS OF COURSE! OR DISCORD, WHATEVER YOU PREFER" the voice cheerfully replied. "AND MIGHT I SUGGEST MORE CONSERVATIVE LANGUAGE. AFTER ALL, WE DO HAVE A GUEST"
Everypony waited for the mentioned guest to speak, but was only met with silence. Very faintly she could hear Discord trying to persuade another distant voice to speak up. Though she couldn't hear what the voice was saying whoever it was sounded extremely embarrassed.
"H-HELLO-" an electronic screech filled the air, earning a many hoofs over the ears and a few curses among the contestants. "S-SORRY!"
The voice quickly added after the screeching died. The voice could now be recognized as Twilight's. "UH... YEAH THIS IS TWILIGHT- PRINCESS TWILIGHT AND UH... GOOD LUCK?"
"Wow that's kind sad." Sunset mentally cringed at Twilight's attempt at public speaking. Silently she added "Is it weird that her awkwardness is turning me on?"
"THANK YOU PRINCESS FOR THAT... HEARTFELT GOOD WISHES. ANYWAYS THE RACE WILL OFFICIALLY START IN JUST A FEW MOMENTS AFTER I EXPLAIN HOW THIS IS GOING TO WORK."
Suddenly the coliseum started vibrating under Sunset's feet. It was barely noticeable at first, but steadily increased in magnitude until she spent almost as much time airborne as she did grounded. With a loud slam of stone against stone the middle of the arena dropped away to leave only a thin outer ring to stand on. From the vantage point Sunset had, so far it didn't look like the newly formed pit had a bottom. Instead it continued deeper down where light couldn't reach any farther, giving the impression that it was endless.
"SO TO CONTINUE ON WITH THE RACE ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS GET TO THE OTHER SIDE AND ANSWER A SIMPLE QUESTIONAIRE. NOT TOO BAD RIGHT?"
"What happens if you fall down the hole?" An orange stallion beside Sunset asked.
"NOTHING, NOTHING AT ALL!"
"Nothing?" He repeated confused.
"YES NOTHING. YOU JUST KEEP FALLING, AND FALLING, AND FALLING, AND FALLING, AND-
I THINK YOU GET THE POINT."
The stallion swallowed thickly.
"IF THERE ARE NO FURTHER QUESTIONS THEN... BEGIN!"
A horn sounded to signal the start. Slowly the crowd began to trudge forwards, when they reached the narrow path the mass split to take either the left or right path. Sunset and Scootaloo was about to take the left path when Sunset spotted Trixie. She tapped the filly's shoulder to draw her attention, then she directed her finger to the magician. "I think we should go with her."
When the filly saw who she was pointing at she widened her eyes. "I'm guessing you don't know who that is? Trust me you do not want to be near her."
"I do know her. That's Trixie."
Scootaloo's pupils turned to pinpricks. "You know her and you willingly want to talk to her?" As subtly as she could the filly took a backstep away from the girl.
"Yeah I know, if anypony else said that I would've called Elizabeth Arkhoof Asylum. You don't have to come with me but I am a little worried for you. If there isn't some catch to this then I'll jump in the pit myself."
"Counter-proposal." Scootaloo said thoughtfully. "You treat me to ice cream if Trixie says "great and powerful" more than 20 times before the race is over."
"Bring that up to 30"
"25"
"Deal. Also where did you learn "counter-proposal". I don't think I had that on my spelling tests when I was your age."
"Eh, Twilight used to come in from time-to-time and gives special lessons- *ahem* supplementary advanced education before she got wings and a pointier horn." The orange filly's face broke into a smile at the memory. "Most of the time when she did them something would go wrong, like the projector would catch on fire, or the chalkboard would catch on fire, or the fishbowl would catch on fire. One time during sex-ed her face got all red and her mane caught on fire right before she was going to tell us where foals come from...
Where do they come from anyways?"
"Nope. Not important. Tell you later. Let's go find Trixie!" Sunset whipped around and stiffly walked away from the converstaion as fast as she could.
"Why does everypony I ask do that?" Scootaloo huffed exasperated while chasing after the fleeing girl.
"Trixie!" Sunset called out to the blue mare. After a while without an answer she tried again. "Trixie!" She still did not turn around. Sunset gave out a sigh and tried a different approach. "O great and powerful Trixe, please grace us with you're presence."
Trixie immediately turned around baring a grin. "The great and powerful Trixie shall listen to your pleas!"
"I think I'm going to be sick" Scootaloo made a gagging motion.
"oh it's you, uh... Triplet #3: Rainbow Dash edition."
"Scootaloo." She correct angrily.
"Yes, that's what I said."
"Trixie I know that even you aren't this... Trixie-ish. Tone it down." Sunset interrupted before the poor filly became the youngest victem of stress stroke.
"Hmph, and you're the one who told Trixie to loosen up."
"When did I say that?"
"While the author wasn't looking."
Author's note: I'm not a lazy writer I swear
Giggling she turned back towards the intersection. "Which way are we going then, left or right?"
"I dunno does it matter?"
"How about we follow the confetti trail?" Scootaloo suggested.
Both mares gave the pegasus questioning looks "Confetti trail?"
Scootaloo pointed her hoof at the left path. Upon closer scrutiny underneath the hooves of en massed ponies there was indeed a continuous line of the scattered paper decor.
"Trixie swears that that wasn't there before." She said frowning.
"You must have just missed it or something." Shrugging Sunset followed Scootaloo's advice, and by that quite literally followed as she walk onto the left pathway. "I missed it as well, but it couldn't be important could it?"
A good 15 minutes had passed before the trio reached the other side of the roundabout. Drawing near it the crowd of ponies thickened to the point where their progress was halted by the equine blockade.
Trixie was trying in vain to peer through the many heads of the ponies in front of her. Having no luck she turned to her taller companion. "Shimmer can you see anything?"
"Everypony's converged at something at the front, but I can't see what it is over some deer's antlers. Say, since when did you have deer in Equestria?"
"Ever since Zakhoov International Pegasusport opened up in Stalliongrad."
"You have airports here? Or at least I'm assuming that's what it is in my world's equivalent. If so I'm curious to seeing how it looks."
"You probably shouldn't. Apparently they're having problems with Rushian insurgents, so you might as well skip it.
"Ugh, I already get enough of this when we do current events at school. Can we get back to the problem at hoof?" Scootaloo complained.
"Right, sorry." Sunset chuckled apologetically. "I think I can lift you up so that you can see over Mr. Stag-osaurus." Sunset gently picked up the filly and her on her shoulders. "Can you see anything?"
"Yeah... Everypony's gathered around something that looks kinda like an arcade machine. A couple of smart-looking ponies are having a discussion- wait. Looks like they're done talking. Now a mare with glasses is pressing one of machine's buttons... Now she's shaking her head. I wonder if something went wrong?"
"Trixie will go up to see for herself." The magician swept her cape and cleared a berth around her.
"How are you going to do that? Crowd isn't moving." Sunset said pointedly.
"Ha! A mere crowd is nothing compared to Trixie's great and powerful power. Prepare to be amazed!" Trixie's horn started to glow in a pulsing pale blue magic. With each pulse it slowly grew until the ethereal light fully encompassed the mare. Then...
Then it didn't do anything. She just stood there.
Several seconds passed, then a minute, two minutes. "Wow I'm so amazed. That's the largest nightlight I've ever seen-"
*POP*
And she was gone.
*POP*
When Trixie reappeared she was surrounded by three ponies, two of jumped back in alarm. The third however held the face of her old babysitter; done, just done.
Scootaloo had not been wrong in her description of the group. One of them, a unicorn mare had pale yellow fur and her mane's colour scheme was identical to Twilight's only inverted and tied up, and to top it all off a pair of nerdy glasses. The still recovering beige earth-pony stallion straitened the deerstalker cap covering his cropped black mane and shifted the wooden pipe in his mouth. The unsurprised stallion wore a bow tie and had brown fur and a swept-back mane in a darker brown. All three ponies looked like they belonged in a intellectual talk show and not... Wherever this place was.
While the other two regained their composure the stallion mumbled under his breath. Trixie couldn't hear him properly, but she caught the words "These ponies", "Space-time continuum", and "broken as a goat simulation."
The mare of the three adjusted her thick framed glasses spoke up. "W-who are you?"
"I am the great and powerful Trixie, and you are holding up the line."
"Trixie?"
The magician turned to the source of her name to find a ticked Applejack. "Oh it's you, the uh... Cereal pony! Yes."
"Mah name's Applejack." She stomped her hoof in irritation. For how powerful the mare claimed to be her power of recollection left something to be desired.
"Yes, that's what Trixie said." That earned her a very venomous glare from the farmer, which Trixie took no notice of. "If you're done, I was asking these nice ponies what the problem is."
Applejack opened her mouth to protest further, but thought different of it. "Fair 'nough. What is the hold up anyways?" All eyes were back on the trio gathered around the arcade machine.
"We're trying to solve the questions on that machine. Apparently an exit portal will appear if we answer all of them." The mare with glasses explained informatively.
"So why don't you answer them?" Trixie said raising an eyebrow.
"We did, but everytime we answer a question there's another one after it. We're already at question 90 or so."
"Maybe it's out a 'hundred?" Applejack said hopefully. She stepped up to the machine to view the question on screen. "What colour 're apples? What'n the hay?"
"Red" The stallion with the pipe supplied
"Well Great deduction Surelock!"
"Hey, how do you know who I am?"
"Are you really not going to tell me anything about the maze?" Twilight protested at Discord's grinning silence.
"I told you you'll just have to wait and see for yourself. Besides, surely somepony of your caliber can make do without my help."
Twilight returned her attention to the enchanted mirror in front of her. The glass pane, rather than showing her reflection it broadcasted the events of the Chaos realm. To either side of the mirror were two like mirrors that instead projected the oh-so fascinating image of purple static. The framing of each mirror were drastically different from each other and followed from left to right: Images of cute cartoon-ish ponies with drastically unproportionate eyes on a backdrop of cheery pastel hues, the current frame constructed completely of fused bronze weaponry and armour that were darkened from weathering, and the last a flashy green and black tiger striped frame holding various, but unfamiliar corporate logos.
"I think it's safe to assume that each mirror will a different area?"
"Can't say you're wrong."
"How are they supposed to prevent anypony from winning?"
"Again, that's for me to know and you to find out." Discord tsked teasingly.
"Do I really have to wait for everything ? I mean it's one thing if Applejack, Trixie, Sunset, or even Moondancer wins-
Which for the record, I still can't she's competing! I mean do all of my friends have secret crushes on me? Anyways if any of them or any of the other decent ponies competing win I'd be okay with it, but what about all of the not-so decent ponies like Blueblood? I'd rather recreate Princess Luna's banishment with myself portraying Luna than do anything remotely intimate with him!"
"Don't worry." Discord said nonchalantly. "judging by how frustrated that gentlecolt with the funny hat is getting I'd say you don't have to wait much longer."
What is another word for Potato?
?
"Spud" answered Surelock with all the enthusiasm of one
What colour is the sky?
"Blue" he replied in the same monotone as before.
How many hooves does a pony have?
"Oh I don't know, maybe eight ?" Every single question thus far had been similarly simple and meaningless. All 207 of them. "I swear I could just say random words from a kindergartner's vocabulary and I'd still make good time on this."
What is the answer to life, the universe, and everything?
"oh, or maybe not."
"42?" Applejack guessed. The machine's screen flickered and went to the next question.
The Stallion looked incredulously at her. "How in Celestia's good name did you know that?"
"It's what mah cousin Arthur used t' say 'fore he went crazy. Kept babbling on 'bout aliens n' how ther' gonna destroy Equestria fer a interstellar highway."
"... Right-o next question."
To which wind does a wendigo go if a wendigo could go wind?
"To the moon with this I am so done!" The beige earth pony lost his self-control and threw his pipe at the screen. The transparent material proved more durable than it looked as it harmlessly ricocheted off.
"Calm down Surelock. We need to be reasonable with this." Applejack tried to calm the ticked stallion with a steady hoof.
"But, but... This is madness!"
"NO!" The deep voice of a stallion roared from the purple Aether. The resounding voice caused tremors to ripple throughout the coliseum.
"THIS. IS. SPARTAAAAAAAAAAAA"
In a flash all the archways along the coliseum's wall fell away to reveal giant leather sandals. No sooner then they were revealed every third hoofwear rocketed forward on pistons and hit several unfortunate ponies, launching them into the black abyss of the center. Meanwhile on the direct other side of the coliseum where they had first come through a second portal opened up.
"Ah horseapples. Really Discord, really ?"
"Calm down everypony, I'm sure if we stay together it should be fine" Moondancer said while making disarming gestures with her hoof. The crowd of ponies murmured agreements as they slowly settled down "See? That wasn't so bad-" Moondancer's efforts were cut short when a size 67 sandal slammed into her. Before she realized it she was plummeting down the endless void she was previously on top of.
The bow tie wearing pony cleared his throat and took the space where Moondancer once was. "New plan: everypony run as fast as they can to the exit. Allons-y!" The prospect of being kicked by a giant mechanical foot seemed to be all the insentive needed as panicked dash began for the other side. The number of ejected ponies growing by each salvo of Spartan kicks.
Trixie was running small distance behind Applejack when she noticed that the archway beside the farmer release steam.
"Applejack watch out!"
Applejack turned her head to the hissing sandal just in time to twist too the side and deliver a powerful buck that connected with the pistonwork with an audible crack
Trixie winced at the sound of breaking bone. She approached the mare to try and help with her obviously broken legs, but upon getting closer she spotted a winding crack running through the length of the rod connecting to the sandal. With a start she realized it was the piston that broke, not Applejack.
Applejack picked up her stetson that had fallen to the ground from the kick's countershock. "Thanks fer the heads up Trixie."
Trixie couldn't help but stare wide-eyed and slack jawed at the apple farmer, and neither could several other ponies that stopped to do the same.
When the farmer finally took notice of all the stares she getting she frowned. "What? Did ah do somethin' wrong?"
"...Nope nothing's wrong. Say, wanna stick together?"
"Sure, but why're y'all here anyways? can't y'all just use yer fancy-shmancy teleportaion spell tah get t' the exit?"
"... "
"Ya do know you cn' do that right?" Applejack asked blank faced."
"Hey! Trixie only learned that spell a few days ago so don't judge!" Trixie grumpily welled up her magic around her and Applejack. When the spell was ready she discharged her magic and blinked them both out of existance. They emerged near the exit portal and took a moment to adjust from the vertigo caused by teleportaion, luckily small-scale one caused only minor effects. Trixie looked around her and saw mostly pegasi, understandable since they had the advantage of simply flying over the obstacles. "not fair." She thought ticked. She glanced back at Applejack to see if she was ready to step through the exit portal, the mare prompted for a silent nod and together they walked toward the portal. Trixie had her hoof halfway through when she heard a familiar voice, turning around and was greeted by the sight of Sunset and Scootaloo panting and wheezing.
"I. Am never . Doing that. Ever again." Sunset sputtered out between pants. She looked up and was surprised to see the pony counterpart of Applejack and Trixie.
"Ah, yes. Applejack I'd like you meet bacon head and you should already be familiar with your sister."
"Scootaloo ain't mah sister, if anythin' she's Rainbow's sister."
"Seriously? We just met like, 20 minutes ago. How can you forget us already?" Scootaloo groaned annoyed. "No, wait. When did you two pass us? Tell me that first."
"Trixie teleported."
Scootaloo twitched slightly. Speaking in a dangerous voice she questioned "You mean to tell me that I just sprinted for the better part of ten minutes while you two just magicked here in an instant?"
"Uh, well you see..." Applejack tried to stall for a more delicate way to answer the filly. "Well you see Scootaloo, I'm sure that teleportation spells are very tiring in themselves and-"
"Yep." Trixie put bluntly
Scootaloo closed her eyes and dawned a smile. After a moment's silence she opened them again, murder in her eyes.
Author's Note
In case you haven't noticed already I spell my colours with a u
Please leave a comment! They encourage me to write
