Chapters Prologue: Saddest Chapter
Max, or, more widely known, YouTubeMash, was famous, happy, financially secure- oh, and fighting terrorists who want to kill everyone! Don't worry, he's in the military.
If was his first mission, and hopefully not his last.
"So, ya ever killed a man?"
"What? Oh, HECK NO!"
"Woah, turn it down, yer bein' to vulger fer mah likin'!"
"I believe swearing is demeaning and stupid! Most of it's just racist and sexual words!"
"Ah, we jest do it ta let off steam!"
"Honestly, does it LOOK LIKE I GIVE A RAT'S ROTTING CRAP!"
Then they landed.
"Hokay, sixth grade girls, stop talkin' 'n aim your guns, safeties off!"
The rest of the squad laughed at that. Their sergeants insults could shut anyone up.
Private Mendoza was shot dead right as he stepped out.
The rest of the squad fired at the gunshots.
"Willy, get the bomb! Max, protect that kid, get 'im in the safe house!"
Then Max surprised them. Their very own "Private Sissy" was braver than all of them- or more reckless. A grenade landed at his feet and he immediately kicked it, but in his rush, it only went two metres, so he dived behind a rock. Not stupid.
But his eyes showed his terror.
Yep, just brave 'n' bold.
He got the kid on his back and used his rifle with better accuracy than his regular shoots in boot.
He hid him in the safehouse, but was there surrounded.
"Sir, I'm surrounded! Requesting reinforcements ASAP!"
"We got our own problems here, rookie!"
He sighed and got out his SMG.
They were all in the bushes, about twenty-five metres away. Perfect for an automatic.
He let loose into the bushes. He didn't see it, but blood stained and grew in a puddle around the bushes.
If only his squad had seen that.
His squad was under attack, with minimum cover and maximum fire.
He facepalmed. Really? The quick trick to getting through the terrorists doors was to shoot the lock.
Universal.
He quickly shot it and most of the terrorists. Three more of his squad were dead.
He charged through the doors, shooting anything that's not immediately recognizable as not a terrorist.
Suffering two more losses, his squad was down to five.
They got to the missile launch room and got out the bomb.
"Sir, theh remote detonator was shot!"
"Call in fer reinforcements!"
Max spoke.
"Sir, with all due respect, that's impossible right now. I give you all a suggestion and I an order = You get out, and I manually detonate the bomb. In other words, I order myself to die."
"No!"
"You can't change my mind about this."
"... You deserve five medals of honor for this. If I get out of here, I'll make sure it happens."
They all walked out and closed the door behind them. As it shut, he heard gunshots and four bodies hit the ground firing.
"NO!"
But he knew it was too late. This mission was his first and last mission, and no one would survive it.
He put the door under maximum lock and barricaded it.
He thought about how his death would leave more victims than just him. His family, his fans, so many.
He pulled out his phone and started a live video. It would post as it exploded.
He gave his greatest and most inspirational speech.
He recited how he wanted to retire.
"This is YouTubeMash, signing off for the last time, and speaking to all of you for the last time."
He then slapped the donation button, and everything went white.
Max woke up. He hurt all over. He tried to move, but then screamed in pain. His head was looking over at his side. His vision looked like his eyes were smeared with crude petroleum. From what he could tell, he was in a clearing in a forest.
"I heard a scream! I think something's hurt!"
"We all did, Fluttershy!"
"...Sorry..."
Fluttershy? Well, her parents either hated her or were stupid. That name brings a one hundred percent chance of bullying in middle school through high school, best case scenario.
"Help..." He croaked.
"OHMYCELESTIAAPONYYAYNEWFRIENDYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
'All aboard the hyper-girl-who-drank-ten-tons-of-sugary-coffee-to-drink-an-adrenaline-pill-five-minutes-ago train! DWOOT DWOOT!' He thought. 'Wait... who's Celestia? She said celestial, right? Who says "oh my celestial?"'
By this time she was bouncing up and down around him.
"HimynameisPinkiePiewhat'syoursdoyoulikecupcakeswhataboutpartiesofcoursewhoamIkiddingeveryonelikesboth-"
"Pinkie Pie, give him some space, he's hurt really bad by the sound of his voice."
She faltered at this and her cotton candy hair went straight.
"Okay..." she said as she trotted away.
Wait... trotted? And he should have noticed this by now, but, did they call him a pony?
And why was he alive?
'Hospital first, then answers.'
"We need to get him to the hospital."
'JUST CALL 911!'
"I'll take him."
"Rainbow Dash, he can't hang on, and he'd just fall off your back and maybe die. No, I'll just teleport him and I."
'Okay, their parents were stupid with all of their names and everything else. It was in their genes.'
"What's your name?"
He tried to tell her, but soot just fell down his throat.
"What could have done this? Nothing on Equis even can do this yet."
'First of all, Equis? Second of all, maybe an EXPLOSION, I don't know, could be anything, DURR-HUR.'
"Does it matter? Just teleport him and you."
'Okay, I don't know what fantasy world you live in, but ain't nobody got teleportation.'
POP
'...Whaddafrick just happened?'
"Nurse Redheart! Something hurt this pony severely and I have absolutely no idea what! Please get him top medical attention and send for Spike!"
'Finally a kind of normal name!'
"Why Spike?"
"To send a message to Celestia, she may know what did this!"
'...IS ANYTHING NORMAL IN THIS WORLD!?!?!?!? And again, with the "celestial!"'
In teh meedeecahl r00m...
"Okay, clean the black dust off of him!"
'Soot, lady, it's called soot.'
"Wish I knew what it is really called..."
'#facepalmoverninethousand.'
After they cleaned him up, they doused him with water. When they saw his clean, no-soot face, they gasped. Max knew this all too well, especially in middle through high school. Every year, he was voted most attractive, most athletic, most likely to succeed, etc.
MEANWHILE, IN HIS BRAINS OPERATION ROOM-
[Screaming]
"Calm down, people, they'll just help him and let him out! This is code red, not code black!"
People returned to they work stations, still scared and excited.
MEANWHILE, IN REAL LIFE-
"Oh, I wish he was my mate... he's so beautiful... I just want to kiss him forever..."
MEANWHILE, IN HIS BRAINS OPERATION ROOM-
[Loudest alarms you've ever heard and ever will hear are blaring]
"Code jet black, I repeat, we have a code jet black!"
"HIT THE EMERGENCY FAINT BUTTON!!!!!!"
MEANWHILE, IN REAL LIFE-
"...I think he fainted."
Chapter 2: GOTTA GO FAST - Part 1
A little bit o' Twi's POV (still 3rd person)
Once Twilight was allowed in, she saw his face.
It was so perfect. So unnaturally perfect.
His pearl-white teeth. His dirty blonde mane. His mane looked like it would be beautiful no matter what style. His muzzle, his lips, his ears, it was all so perfect she could feel heat in her nether regions.
'Come on, Twilight, you're smarter than this! He's probably a manipulative, jerky, snobby moron! Like Blueblood, but more attractive! Much more OH SHUT UP ALREADY AND LOOK AWAY FROM HIM YOU STUPID IDIOTIC MORON HE'S DRIVING YOU INTO HEAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'
"Hey, Twilight, I got a message from Celestia, there's been a 'disturbance' in the Everfree- who is that?"
Spike had just arrived.
"We found him in the forest covered in black dust. Apparently he's got third and second degree burns all over his body, except for his face, none there..."
It was then Twilight knew: she was screwing up so badly right now you could smell the rusty metal screw.
"Twilight, your blushing."
"Sorry! It's just... just lemme send a message to Celestia."
"Ooooooookaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay... well, here's some parchment."
Here it read:
Dear Celestia,
The others and I already found your disturbance. It was a stallion, covered in black dust and major burns. I honestly have no idea what could have done this. I was hoping that maybe you could know what hurt this stallion so badly. What kind of a monster would hurt a stallion this beautiful this bad WHY AM I WRITING ANY OF THIS!!!!!!!!! Do you think I have issues?
Your faithful student in heat because of him OH COME ON!!!!!!!!!!
Twilight
When Spike burned it, the stallion started to stir.
"Oh, he's so cute randomly moving like that WHY AM I SAYING ANY OF THIS!!!!!!!!"
By then Celestia was there. But these words feel on deaf ears.
The princess was just driven into heat looking at this stallion.
His voice was beautiful as well.
"NINE-ELEVEN ALL OVER AGAIN RUN FOR YOUR PITIFUL LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVES!"
Chapter 2: GOTTA GO FAST - Part 2
And back to the MC's POV
"Hi, I'm Spike! What's your name?"
But the word fell on deaf ears, as his focus was on the looks the two hybrid Pegasus-unicorns were giving him.
'OHCRAPOHCRAPOHCRAPOHCRAPI'MFRIGGINSCREWED!!!!!!!! OH CRAP, THEY'RE BLUSHING AND THEIR EYES LOOK HUNGRY!!!!!!! So, basically, fangirls at Comic-Con. And all the other -cons I ever went to. Some of them even had the nerve to ask me out on a date, two right in front of my wife! And then there's that one that- I kid you not- PROPOSED to me. Yeah, they got banned for life. And got restricting orders from me in ten countries, except for the one that proposed to me. She got them in every country, punishable by death. So, what do YOU think happened to her?'
The first two sentences constantly repeated after that.
"I... have no name. No, I don't have amnesia. But, compared to YOUR names, mine is weird."
"Ah, just tell us it!"
"Max."
Then the rest of the mane six came in. Their thoughts are presented here.
Applejack's first. 'Cause logic.
'He looks sweeter than grannies Apple Pie. 'Nuff said. OH AH WANT 'IM!'
Now, Rainbow Dash's.
'I'd give up every Daring Doo book in the world for him. Or would I?.. Yeah, I probably would.'
Now, Rarity's.
'GET HIM IN MY BEST SUIT!!!!!!! (Arnold Schwarzenegger voice) NOW!!!!!!!!! (Back to Rarity's voice) Wait, who was that in my head? (Arnold Schwarzenegger again) GET TO THE CHOPPA!!!!! I am the terminator. Asta la vista, baby. Come with me if you want to live. (Real fact incoming) I HAVE A BEETLE NAMED AFTER ME!!!!!'
Now, Fluttershy's.
'Oh... my... His blue eyes are so beautiful- OH THE HORRORS HE'S SEEN!'
Now, Pinkie Pie's.
'YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECUPCAKESCUPCAKESCUPCAKES YAAAAAAAAAY NEW FRIEND PAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRTEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!'
The rest was completely unintelligible.
And back to the MC.
'OH GOSH THEY'RE ALL BLUSHING AND HUNGRY EYED!!!!! Except for the hyper pink one.'
And suddenly, Dashie screwed up. She forcefully kissed him.
"MMMMMMMMMMMMMFFFFFFF!"
"Deploying Spook. Spook deployed, ready for action. IT'S CLOAKER TIME!!!!"
Dash suddenly sprang off him.
"Nu, security, security nuuuuuuuuuuu!"
And then he beat her with a stick.
Now, how 'bout the princesses thoughts?
First Twilight, because mane six.
'Okay, be strong, you're not attracted to him. OH WHO AM I KIDDING JUST LET IT ALL OUT I LOVE HIM!!!!!!'
And now, Celestia's.
'I need him to myself, but the burns will ruin that. Ooh! Healing magic from me will fix that! He's going to (Royal Canterlot voice) LOVE ME!!!!!!!!!!!'
"Here, I'll fix you up, we- I need to get some answers out of him. Alone. I can heal his burns in a second, so please leave."
Until now, Max was still recovering from the Dash. Until now.
A collective "Fine," with a sigh left the group. Except for Dash and Pinkie.
Pinkie be like "Okey Dokey Lokey!" and Dash was being thrown out the window, every single bone broken.
Loki was outside, thinking 'HOW THE $@#% DID THAT PINK HORSE KNOW I WAS OUT HERE?'
But Thor had heard this and Loki was struck by lightning.
Pinkie saw this and said; "Hi Loki!" but when he said he hated cupcakes and parties, Pinkie used her hyper-physics-denying powers and turned him into a cupcake.
Celestia was still staring at Max like he was a cake and she hadn't eaten since breakfast yesterday.
"Out. Now."
The others walked out the door but Pinkie denied physics again, teleported without magic to the ground and ate what used to be Loki whole.
After she healed him, she started to pull off the blanket, but he kicked her out the window like this was Sparta and ran faster than Pinkie for a cupcake party.
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Chapter 4: Was that an Alien Scene or something?
'Okay, did I just get stabbed by xenomorph?'
When the hospital put him on a stretcher, all the girls who had saved him tried to kiss him and started fighting over him.
He required 24/7 top-notch security, and Celestia couldn't be allowed in the hospital. They even had to put up a magic nullifying field. He had a cloak brought to him before he left. No one else should see his face. But Celestia ruined any chance of that.
"You are MINE !!!!!!!"
Then his cloak literally caught fire.
Welp, there's only one thing to say. RUN #$@%* RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!
Because every unmarried mare was after him.
He got to the barber's shop, grabbed some scissors, completely cut off his hair, and burned it. He kept his head down so they wouldn't notice it was him. But his mane grew in half a second, because logic.
And so, the chase spanned across Equestria, with little rest. Until, finally, he got to the Crystal Empire.
As the mares cornered him, he awaited his fate.
BUT W8
A pink mare fell out of the sky and landed in front of him.
"What are you DOING?"
"WE LOVE HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Love? This is not love. This is lust. I apologize, I do not know wh- (gasp)... now I DO! C'mere, you!"
"Honey, what are you DOING?"
"HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Right then and there was the fight of the century.
Mostly, mare fought mare, but the few royal guards fought too. Max? Max just ran.
And it seemed like he would never stop running.
And then Dash came. No, he would stop and hide.
He created an illusion to elude her- heh, elusion, geddit?
But she was actually running from security.
But then AJ got there.
Forced passionate kissing confirmed!
Fortunately for him, the public didn't want this, so he #@$%*-slapped her to the next dimension and back. And, because nobody gives a crap about logic in this story, she only had bruises and he ran faster than sonic on ten adrenaline pills.
Yeah. I went there.
Unfortunately for the mares that were after him, in Chapter 3: Wut Wut Wut Wut what Randy Orton said was a warning.
What happened will not be described here.
But, basically, ponykind had its first meme, and it's last.
Unfortunately, the security got vaporized in his awesomeness, and Dash was now free to chase him.
But, then, the author got bored of writing this crap for now, went 'screw it' and ended this chapter.
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Chapter 5: Logic? Ain't Nobody Got Time For That.
And so, we now return to this crap, the story that makes you want to beat up the author for his defiance of any form of logic.
And so, because this author has decided to treat you like morons, Max has just escaped Applejack and is now running from Rainbow Dash.
But suddenly, two fifties era blue police boxes appear out of nowhere. Out of one comes a pony. Out of the other comes a human. He goes into the humans box.
"GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!!!"
"GIVE HIM TO ME!!!!!!!"
"NO, ME!!!!!!!"
Celestia had broken free of the fight.
The Doctor quickly understand what is going on here, and gets out of there like they're running from Daleks.
"Next stop, I have no idea!"
As it teleports, Celestia grabs Doctor Hooves and throws him out. Rainbow Dash goes in to help her get him, thus forming a team up without words.
As they go across the funnels of space, Max uses some very fancy maneuvering to knock them out of the stream. He is completely confident in what he's doing.
"What are you DOING?"
"I have NO IDEA!!!!!!!"
They all land on some random planet, and the C.R. team infiltrates the regular TARDIS. They run into the infinite rooms of the TARDIS, trying to get away. They get to the place which can grant you any object you wish.
"Do you have anything that can turn me human?"
"Well, depends, I don't think you died and got turned into a pony, so no."
"I did."
"Oh."
He gets an automatic shotgun, clothes, armor, and a bunch of other random stuff for the sake of likes, which he then discards because logic. They return to Equestria after some fancy Chuck Norris karate, and is greeted by a bunch of mares. There was only one thing he could do. Make a reference.
"Say hello to my little friend."
Chaos ensues.
But because this author likes to disappoint and make Max suffer, only tranquilizer darts hit them.
"FOR CUPCAKES!!!" He yelled, charging in like a bull.
Unfortunately, he destroyed all of the cupcakes, and left all the muffins standing.
"Cheese cakes, I have failed you!"
It was the end for Max. He waited for then to get him. And waited... and waited... and waited... until he finally decided to open his eyes. Pinkie had somehow knocked them all out, so that this story could continue. When he asked what story she was talking about, the fabric of the universe had a little hole, as someone other than Pinkie might have discovered that this world is controlled by the god known as "The Author."
Oh, yeah. I went there.
So, he ran.
Chapter 3: Wut Wut Wut Wut
A message from Randy Orton.
"JOHN CENA!!!!!!"
And now, to AJ's POV. Actually first person!
Ah knew what th' princess was gunna do. But what was ah supposed ta do?
And then ah imagined snappin' 'er neck. Ah just had ta get outta there, no matter how scrumptious he looked. He was so cute when he was nervous and scared fer his virginity!
He ran out, but ah couldn't grab 'im. Ah DID manage ta lick 'im, though- hey, that's my log, Dash!
Well, YOU didn't kiss him.
I'll do better than that!
Sure you will!
Will too!
Will not!
Will too!
Will not!
[Crash]
I'm not an Apple tree!
He's MAHN.
DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUN!
Chapter Actually 3: To Run From The Mun
Luna was flying around, feeling lonely. She wished she had a special somepony at times like this. If only it weren't for Nightmare Moon...
She saw a stallion running from her sister.
'Wat,' she thought.
Her sister was telling in her Royal Canterlot voice.
"I'm going to RAAAAAAAPE YOOOOOOOUUUUUUUU!!!!!"
So she was either in heat, or she was pissed.
Probably the latter.
She dived down at her sister.
"Okay, this escalated way too quickly!"
Luna was nearly mesmerized by this voice, it was so, so, beautiful. However, her sister was still yelling.
"RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPE YOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU wut am I saying."
Then, she heard the weirdest nose ever.
"Tactical nuke, INCOMING!!!!!!!!"
After a bit of alarm blaring, she looked up and saw her sister charging at her from the sky.
"Don't worry, strange stallion, we hath saved thee from our sister!"
But he was still running.
Into the Everfree.
She had to stop him.
She tackled him with lightning speed, pinning him to the ground.
Then, she saw his face.
'Special... somepony...'
She started to lean in for a kiss, but then she caught herself.
What was she doing ?
"We-we apologize, we do not know what happened."
"And, so I meet the seventh insane mare today."
Then she just couldn't take it anymore.
(Royal Canterlot voice) "YOU WILL BE OUR SPECIAL SOMEPONY!"
He then threw dirt in her eyes. She cried, thinking he would feel remorse and trick him, but he just ran into the forest. Then she REALLY cried. But he just kept on running.
"I AM MARRIED!"
A white lie.
He was married, but then he died. Still, he used it to his advantage.
He then heard screams.
There was a little pegasus, unicorn, and regular pony.
They were being attacked by another mythical creature.
A manticore.
He went to instinct from his training, and while the tail was coming down, he grabbed it in midair. It was pro time.
"RUN!" he yelled. They complied, and he used the tail to push back the thing and flip it over.
He then, too, ran from it.
As they excited the tree line, they looked back he was running, and got to the edge of the forest, only to get picked up by something. The barb then shot out of his chest and was retracted. He ripped off it's tail as the girls screamed, and used the barb to stab it. It rotated and fell over. The last thing he saw before passing out was the girls crowding over his face and yelling for help.
