Chapters Paris, it can be easily described as elegant, historic, sophisticated, stylish, cultural, artistic and memorable for the ones who have ever had the chance to visit the city. It is a beautiful city of lights, parks, world famous buildings and monuments, fashion, cuisine, wonderful language, Haussman architecture lining wide avenues. Truly, it was a paradise on Earth...
Iowa, is one of the shittiest places all in the entirely of Earth...
No one dared to venture forth into the lands that is Iowa, for it literally is the worst place of all of Earth. Sadly, this is where the group all came together, because all the flight plans and motel rooms were cheaper here. They originally planned to go to Paris, but much to Pat’s dismay they became dirt poor from the Christmas shopping done earlier this December, so fuck it; Iowa it is, this is the place where they’ll dress up as Santa, and spread Christmas cheer for all of the kids... despite most of them being shit kids.
The peasants that reside within the lands of Iowa had never known what it felt like to experience joy, whimsy or happiness due to their shitty surroundings, but all of that would soon change, the group of knock off Santa’s thought.
“This place is shit.” Grey Knight angrily stated as he gestured around the group, and continued. “You’re all shit, this world is fucking shit, fuck everything…” Grey Knight complained as the roving horde of basement dwellers wandered aimlessly down the winding, chaotic, war-torn streets of Iowa; his full body of iron plate armour was painted in Christmas colours, although everyone suspects the paint is actually the blood of his enemies, but no one cared or dared to find out if it was true. Although Red was beginning to wonder where Seal disappeared to, as he never returned to the group after he went to get himself some tacos.
“Will you shut up?” Dan Grayson asked, his pale and tired face framed nicely by his black hair and weird black n’ blue sports jacket and jeans combo. He’d look kinda cool if it weren’t for the large cup o’ coffee in his mitten covered hands. “I’m trying to enjoy Christmas.” At this his jovial, dumb eyes were soon greeted by Grey Knight’s metal covered fists as he began to punch Danny Boi for no real reason.
Quite fortunate of him though as the poor boy has been saved by Mel, who managed to convince Grey Knight to stop wailing on him. The success of Dan's 'timely' rescue was done by bribing him with all the forums and meta fics that Mel could find for Grey to hate on.
Grey was pleased.
“Christmas is absolutely heretical you faggots!” Cried Anon the Fucking Faggot who was wearing a black suit with a red tie in the dead of a winter night. His sickly green, radioactively mutated body quivered with hate at the mere mention of the pagan festival. Normally everyone would be beating any sentient being that didn’t resemble a human, but no one seem to notice his quivering, featureless green skinned body.
“Jesus H. Christ this was a bad idea, eh.” Pat mumbled out, her soulless, orange eyes, straight black hair and pale lifeless skin conflicting with the weirdly bright and cheerful tight Santa costume she was wearing. She’d been trudging through snow at the front of the mentally challenged pack for what felt like hours, leading the small band of assholes while her co-conspirator kept slamming back shots of eggnog. Their faggotry was slowly getting on her nerves, tiring her out as she tries to keep her rage from violently exploding.
“I’ve seen, been a part of and suffered worse.” LoosePartyCannon countered, uncaring that he was slowly dying from frostbite and the empty void inside his soul that no amount of Christmas themed fast food crap and gin n’ eggnog shots could fill; his happy, pale and chubby face was the picture of contentedness but his vacant hazel eyes, beer and food stained blue hoodie and Christmas themed pants n’ shirt were a sign of drunken misery. “Atleast we have eachot-”
“We should’ve gone to Paris, they had a Star Trek convention going on there!” Redshirt whined cutting off Loose, his red Enterprise crew member costume stood out like a sore thumb and his nasally voice carried on for miles down the irradiated streets of the fetid hellscape they found themselves in. "William Shatner, Kate Mulgrew and Patrick Stewart was going to make an appearance at a panel!"
“Oh yeah, because Star Trek is something Christmas related; good idea Red, real fucking great idea.” Pipebom sarcastically remarked, clapping slowly and rolling his brown eyes. Despite hating the costume Loose had given him he still wore the large Santa costume and hat to keep his normal, sorta tallish white bread body from suffering frostbite, well, suffering from more frostbite. He lost feeling in toes hours ago.
“Tell me Mr. Pipebom, is it normal to be sarcastic to your friends on Christmas? I’m new to this heretical custom of yours.” Avi who also goes by the name Aviator asked the agitated Aussie, his jew locks, crazy beard, decrepit body and jewish orthodox robes making him look like a stereotypical shekel lovin’ Jew. Around his waist was a black belt gifted to him for mastering Jew Jitsu, pun intended.
“Yes, it’s a great Western tradition my yankee friend!” Mel, the supposed ‘War King’, answered with a large cheesy smile as he patted the scummy guy on the back. Mel was trying not to seem like an introvert, but his attempts to be a socialite was making him look like a creepy loser. He was wearing a large red and white hoodie, a red baseball cap and glasses that were slightly off center; despite this his unkempt black hair and weird half breed face made the Eurasian piece of trash look downright losery. In his Malaysian hand rested a vintage bottle of coke which he’d gotten illegally by selling the group’s only reindeer on the black market. Pat dearly misses her pet.
“God damn it guys, slow down!” Tux cried out as he ran through the snow to keep up; the rest of the gang had gone on ahead of him as he was late to the whole Christmas crusading thing. The ragged looking white boi was wearing a large pimp jacket coloured red with white fur lining it and a pair of black slacks and sandals. Due to the Christmas shopping he was too poor to afford real shoes; Although his rooting, black, bruised feet weren’t from frost bite but from the fact that he was a native Iowan, and like the rest of his forsaken ilk he was falling apart due to the extreme cold.
“Boy, the autism around here is running rampant.” Pipebom commented dryly as he looked at Loose who was eating an entire turkey dinner alone, tears running down his grease stained face. Pat and Danny once again began arguing about which nation is Best Korea, and Grey Knight began insulting everyone's shitty meta fics. Red kept to himself, but everyone was thinking about how he kept neglecting writing his space fic, also Mel was selling people’s property for carbonated beverages while Anon and Avi were jewing out in the corner of the shit stained street.
Pat ended her argument with Dan, her patience was wearing thin as everyone stopped walking, and were letting their autism overtake them once more. “Come on you fuckers, eh! We gotta keep walking! The kids need us, eh!~” Pat shouted with a mighty voice as the assembled mass of retardation marches on into the cold night.
“Forget those little shits, let them fend for themselves!” Grey demanded as he begrudgingly followed Pat’s lead into the blizzard surrounding them, as he nurtured his fiery rage he noticed that LPC was walking alongside Pat once more. Feeling the need to make sure the faggot doesn’t touch his waifu, Grey’s pace significantly increased.
After a few hours of wandering around the desolate streets in the cold in an attempt to spread the spirit of Christmas, which was a folly that almost resulted in all of their deaths, but fortune shined upon them as they came across refuge. The sight of the building caused most of the group to immediately move to get under shelter from the shitty weather.
“Fuck those kids, let the hypothermia set in for them.” Loose mumbled out through clattering teeth as he stole the lead from Pat, and taken the group toward what looks like to be a learning establishment of sorts, everyone else followed him. The group just kinda huddled close together to keep each somewhat warm, Red and Grey fought each other for the right to snuggle up against Pat. The two Jews pissed themselves to momentarily warm up, but soon regrets their decision as the piss starts to freeze onto their persons.
“What the fuck is this shit? This is a school right?” Anon rhetorically asks as he examines the massive, cartoonish looking building in front of him.
“Yes, behold the beauty of a proud, Iowa school!” Tux declared as he pointed at the school; at the same time one of his broken fingers snapped off at the bone and blew away in the breeze like the rest of the detritus littering the streets.
“Looks more like a modern art piece.” Dan replies, taking a sip of his shitty 145$ basic bitch coffee.
The school was weirdly pastel coloured, like the painters were high on acid or thought they were actually good at painting; and the building seemed to be much bigger then it should be and had two equally long sections of the horribly coloured building on either side. They had a massive statue dedicated to a horse god of some kind, and the kids that they could see were multi-coloured and had disturbingly long legs.
Their condition, the cause of this must have been the disease filled, pigment changing, brain ceasing Iowa water they drinked on a daily basis; We dared not touch the drinking fountains for we fear we too would become mutants such as them. Even Dan gave his coffee a look, before shrugging off his worries as he continued to sip out of it.
Pipe looked at the building, and back over to the blizzard behind him. He also noticed that the snow was piling on his shoulders and head. Shaking them off he spoke. “Let’s see, stay out here and die from the cold, or walk in there and interact with those disgusting pieces of crap...Tough choice.” Pipe pondered, being the first to actually voice the group’s intention.
“If I die here I’ll never get to re-watch Star Trek the motion picture!” Red exclaimed as he ran forward, but tripped over from his own nerdiness. In his panic the redshirt yelled out, “Scotty, give me strength to push on!” His desperate cry reached up towards the dark, grey cloudy sky, but his words betray him as in his mind he didn’t see his hero, but instead saw Pat’s sweet gam gams.
“Pat, guide me.” The Star Trek nerd whispered to himself before he began crawling over the knee deep snow towards the school entrance, the memory of Pat’s gigantic boobs drove him forward, the will to survive growing stronger and stronger.
Once again, Pat’s fun bags had saved the day. Everyone else was just kinda shuffling from feet to feet trying not to get aroused. Except for Knight, his hatred prevents him from truly feeling anything other than jealousy. LPC was already aroused so he didn’t really feel any different.
“I guess that punk ass putz decided our fate.” Aviator said with a shrug as he marched on to his destiny, following the trail that Red has started.
“Wait for me senpai!” Loose exclaimed as he charged onward to keep pace with the one he wants to stand beside with. His own desire pushes himself to continue ploughing the snow to the side clearing a trail for the rest of the party who followed the fat ass.
As they kicked open the glass doors to the disturbingly colourful, horse cult school they immediately felt the warmth from the school’s AC flow over us like a warm fart.
“Ah, nothing like that fart feeling.” Mel said to himself as he breathed in deep, the crap smelling air reminding him of his homeland.
“Shut up shitlord.” Grey Knight instructed, the snow melting off his armour from the boiling hate inside him. He grumbled to himself how his armour will begin to rust.
“Sinners, a mass of debauchery and gluttony, they be the ones that stand in our way?” A particularly annoyed individual asked as she kept her eyes locked onto a group of pigs in human skin. “Pathetic.” She uttered an insult as the oddly dressed group entered the ratherly warm building, with a plethora of technicolour kids watching them with interest and some in fear.
“Gee, and I thought the girls looked like a bunch of push overs…” A doltish woman said as she ate her cheap take out food.
“Hmm, if that is all this school can offer to challenge us, then this cloudy night will be done with faster than I previously thought.” The de facto leader of the trio snarkily stated. Once the hungry girl had her fill they slowly stepped out of the shadows. Suddenly the three violently struck a dramatic pose, frightening many of the students near them. They were lucky that they were not their targets.
“STEP”
None has spoken, but the single syllable word instead manifested itself into existence by the sheer will power of the trio. Those red dressed champions were unaware of the danger that lurked from afar.
Although the band of HaM members couldn’t see them, they all felt an unnatural sense of dread roll over them; despite the hideous children, symbols dedicated to heretical horses and the needlessly complex layout of the school, they pushed on deep into the bowels of the highschool/possible cult headquarters.
“Does this school seem… familiar to anyone?” Dan pondered, looking around like the waste of space he was. He was answered by a series of ‘nos’, ‘nope’ ‘eh’, 'ghobe ' and ‘fuck you’.
“As long as this place isn’t going to kill us, I’m fine with staying with these gross, lovecraftian heretics.” Anon mumbled out, glaring at a gaggle of students they walked by.
Then the sound of music is heard further down the hall; Christmas music, or more like Christmas music that has been tampered by shitty remixes. Angered, they pursue this heresy to rectify it.
“The fuck kinda Christmas music is that, eh!?” Pat viciously screamed, she has taken back the lead by being the fastest runner of the group. Everyone lost sight of her as she taken a turn in the hall further down leaving everyone else in her wake. To the surprise of some she also had a crowbar in hand for some reason. No one knew when she had it, or how she hid it from them until now, but to the more perverse members of the group they could take a couple guesses where.
“We gonna fuck them up!” LPC declared, his drunken blood lust getting the better of him.
“Yes, let's violently rectify this heresy!” Grey agreed as everyone prepared to crash the school's party to make it better as they smashed open the gym doors.
They were quick to find the source the heresy, and despite everyone inside of the gym looking at them with shock, fear and annoyance from their abruptly loud entrance. oddly enough the gym full of students did not make an attempt to impede them from seeing through their objective, of which is sanctioned by his holiness.
“Out of the way, eh!” Pat yelled at a blue haired girl, who was the DJ of the school dance, and proceeded to violently shove her away from the sound system with her crowbar.
“Hey, what in the world are you doing to my rig?!” The apparent blue haired DJ shrieked, she looked to be pissed, but no one seem to pay her any amount of attention. Thus, she was swiftly and effectively ignored by the vulgar swines of HaM. Pat, not hearing the words of the DJ waved over Red, and told him to switch out the shitty Christmas music remix songs for something traditional.
“Now for some of that good Christmas music…” Red whispered to himself, almost sensually, as he began playing some normal, not retarded Christmas music that everyone starts jammin’ to. Pat gave him a soft punch to the shoulder in thanks.
“Aw yeah, this is my shit right here, eh~” Pat exclaims as she and a few of the guys from HaM start ‘dancing’ to the Xmas themed songs, looking like a bunch of hams flopping around on the dance floor.
“I would dance, but my legs are already rotting away into dust…” Tux said as he sat down next to a bunch of lepers who slowly shuffled away from the doomed man.
“Hey, Loose! Let’s get fuckin’ smashed!” Pipe ordered as he and LPC went off to go spike the punch and make that particular Christmas Eve one to regret.
“These absolutely heretical jackasses are already ruining the night…” Anon muttered as he facepalm loudly, his gross, slimy hand impacted with his face with a bone shattering force.
“Cheer up my fellow Jew! As long as we’re here we’ll make tonight less horrid!” Avi exclaimed loudly as he and his fellow cultist began dancing like a bunch of Jewish dumbasses.
The group had placed their most seasoned, war tested veteran music space man on the set. Many of their ‘honourable’, santa garb wearing members had claimed the dance floor intent on busting out their special moves, like the losers they were; and those who didn’t went over to the punch table to lounge on it coolly… And also spike the punch with some hardcore, Australian whiskey and Eurasian liquid fire. The night quickly devolved into a burning train wreck. The perfect night for the members of HaM.
“And then I said...I said...I said ‘your story is bad and you should feel bad!’ Heh, that pissed off that prick…” Grey Knight boasted loudly, slurring over his words as he continued to drink the tainted punch through his helmet's eye hole.
“Dude, that was my story…” Dan replied as he looked at Grey Knight with a hurt, teary eyed expression. The armoured jackass silently stared at Dan for a few moments before he laughed loudly at Dan’s face, his spiked punch spluttering out of his helmet’s eye holes every so often.
“Well, I’m sure he meant it anyway.” Mel stated as he continued to down his Malaysian swill that reeked of durain and poverty along with some unknown disease.
“Hey, watch this!” LPC ordered from the edge of the gym’s stage, preparing to jump as Pipe cheered him on.
“Don’t do it!” Red begged, fearing he’d break his back or the sound system.
“Don’t fucking tell me what to do Red! Go fuck yourself!” He vulgarly replied as he jumped off the stage and fell onto a snack table, breaking one of his arms on impact.
“Gah fuck! Red, help me!” Loose pathetically requested as he rolled off the table, and cried on the floor while Pipebom laughed his ass off, which he then helped him up.
Through the absent minded mingling with the corrupted, horse worshiping, green skinned, blue haired and long legged masses of prepubescent, hell spawn kids they learnt that these satanic, Iowa natives had been in contact with an dimensional being that fought a demoness intent on enslaving the world and then later fought off three witches through the power of song and dance…
They knew straight away that not Christmas, nor the one true religion could save these heretics…
Only fire could cleanse them off their sins.
“You fuckin’ Chaos loving freaks!” Grey screamed as he smashed a beer bottle on the punch table and moved to glass some yellow skinned, pink haired girl that was shaking like a lil’ bitch. But before they could commence with the ritualistic slaughter of Xeno-god worshippers, three flamboyant, bright haired, weirdly techno coloured skin freaks slithered out of the shadows like a trio of fishes. They were accompined by what they could discern was Islamic and broken English techno.
Ayaehyaeh YAAAIIIYAIIIIIII eEEEEEEEEeeeEEEEE!
NANAnainana
C'mon (yeah!). C'mon. Yeah!
NANaynainainnana
C'mon (yeah!). C'mon.
NAIANAYANAAAH
C'mon, c'mon~
The trio of girls struck a dramatic and terrifying pose; a pose that the Santa's couldn’t help but think these three were fashion models from the 80’s coming back from the dead to seek vengeance on the bastards that killed radio.
“The fuck? Can I troll them?” Grey asked quizzically as he just stopped himself from nearly murdering the yellow woman, who is currently having a panic attack and was being dragged away by her pink skinned friend.
“Huh, I wonder if I could sell more of my friend’s shit for pepsi to these freaks…” Mel mindlessly mumbled.
“This is going to get ugly…” Danny boi said aloud as they began advancing on the assembled freaks, looking like creeps as they do so.
“I wonder if they’re Jewish?” Avi asked the only other spiritually pure person there.
“Nope, they’re too heretical.” Anon the Fuck Face answered, angrily shaking his gross orcish green fist at the girls.
“I can’t afford to lose anymore of my body or face.” Tux stated as pieces of his face, mostly his nose, started to disintegrate.
“I wonder if they too hate Jar Jar Abrams like I do?!” Red nerd-raged at the sight of a pack of people also dressed like 80’s trash.
“No one likes Star Trek you soulless ginger.” Pipebom sneered out as he continued to get drunker.
“Eh, this don’t look good, eh!” Pat exclaimed, her plot sense shot through her mind as her sweater muffins jiggled suggestively much to Grey’s and Red’s pleasure, telling her most of them were probably about to get hurt BADLY.
Loose was passed out over the punch table with his ass in the air, which was twitching, and mumbling something about how fucking stupid the Australian government is and how great animu is.
None of them were prepared for what is to come during the exchange between the two groups...
The story shall continue whenever I get around to it, and it will hopefully be finished before mid January eh!
I also like to thank LoosePartyCannon, as this would never be delivered on time without him helping me out with this, eh. Thanks bruh, eh,
The wannabe santas were wondering why these three, creepily theatrical women were assaulting a cult gathering with their menacing presence. In times such as this, the group should negotiate, needing to be tact and civil to ease the tension between the two parties, and to also make an example how superior and magnificent HaM can be.
Although negotiations need some amount of common sense...
“Hey you shit ass!” Loose screamed before any sensible person of HaM could speak, that is if there is any person in HaM with sensibility. The Aussie had finally woken up from his alcohol induced coma, temporary forgetting he broke an arm. “The fuck are you?” He continued, slurring his words as piss started to trickle down his legs.
“Hm, such vulgarity,” The purple one in the teal jacket sneered venomously at Loose. “about as much as I would’ve expected from disgusting pigs such as you.”
“Wow, what an insult lady; who the heck are you three?” Dan asked after mocking the purple girl, he looked at her then to the other two up and down.
“Who gives a fuck, let's just burn them for their heresy!” Grey yelled as he waved his broken beer bottle at the oddly dressed women, with an equal measure of anger and eagerness in his voice. His threat got a chuckle out of the blue looking one.
“Heh, yeah these guys must be new around here. I wonder if they’re new teachers or something? They’re WAY too old to be teenagers... especially that hideous ogre thing.” The one rocking a very long pigtail said with a laugh, causing Anon to start sputtering with rage.
“Bitch I’ll slap your shit up!” Anon threatened as Avi held him back. While all this was going on the assembled students began to either slowly moving towards the exits, throwing up and passing out from the spiked punch, pulling out their phones or looking for someone to help end this standoff before it goes any further.
“So uncivilized, and you people are all that rally against us? How… quaint.” The big orange one with a huge ass afro said condescendingly as she smirked at the leader of the group.
“What are you talking about, eh? Who even are you losers, eh?” Pat asked nervously as the oranged haired girl gaze landed on her. The South Korean looked between the students, dudes of HaM and the weird 80’s looking freaks.
The smirking girl raised an eyebrow at her question, ignoring the insult. She then have Pat an amused grin. “I see, so you haven’t heard of us. Very well, I shall entertain your query.” The orange haired girl spoke, she then gestured to her friends. “To my left is Aria Blaze, the other is Sonata Dusk and myself; Adagio Dazzle. We’re the Dazzlings,” At this statement almost every student at the gym slowly began to exit the gym. ”and we’ve returned to this pathetic school for two reasons. One, to end Sunset Shimmer and her friends…”
“Don’t know them, don’t care.” Mel interrupted, cutting off the dork's rant much to her annoyance.
“Yeah, you’re pretty boring whatever your name was, can you just get on with it?” Pipe requested as he yawned loudly, quickly losing interest in the three girls.
“Yes, get on with it!” Red cried out.
“Yeah, on with it!” Tux continued, a few flecks of his tongue flying off as he spoke, Grey snickered at the sight of this while Red puked a little in his mouth.
“GET ON WITH IT!” The rest of HaM and the students who remained in the gym screamed all at once, greatly irritating Adagio and confusing everyone else.
“FINE! I was perhaps going to let you abominations live, but now?...Hmph.” The apparent irked leader of the trio said, who regained her composure near the end. “As I was saying, our second goal… is to destroy CHRISTMAS!” The orange menace immediately got back into character just as she deviously declared her goals. At this the pig sows were in a midst of shock, confusion and anger.
“What the what, eh?!” Pat stammered as she backed away, baffled from the declaration Adagio has made.
“DOUBLE HERESY!” Grey screamed, instantly shrugging off his seasonal shit faced moods and replaced it with burning hate and Christmas blood lust.
“Yes! At last!” Anon, the traitorous Jew and Aviator cried out, tears of joy running down their faces as they passionately kissed and hugged each other.
“Damn it, Iowa already has so few traditions worth doing, if we lose Christmas then all we’ll have is the mud pie eating contest!” Tux exclaimed as he feared for his future.
“I have no strong feelings one way or the other.” Pipe plainly stated as he shrugged and walked back to the punch table, pushing a passed out rainbow haired student off the table.
“Can I make a profit if Christmas is cancelled?” Mel asked Dan in a hushed tone.
“W-what? Um, no?” Dan meekly responded, not sure what he meant by profit.
“THOSE BITCHES!” Mel cried as he charged head first at the three bizarre, blasphemous, anti-capitalistic, Christmas hating shitfaces… only to be greeted by the single pig tailed one, and was subsequently stopped in his tracks, and somehow was sent flying back at the group and screaming like a little bitch.
Loose looked on at Mel as he flew over to him, the red dressed boar did what any friend would do for his comrade; he valiantly side stepped and allowed the Euro/Asian trash and blast through Pipe, and continued to crash land in the comically oversized punch bowl.
“Looks like the punch has been...Spik-” Dan started, but was cut off before he could finish.
“NO!” Literally every member of HaM screamed simultaneously as they punched him in the face to stop his horrid puns, the only one who did not indulge in this violent beating was the only pacifist of the group; Red. As this faggotry was going on, a pair of colourful girls stepped between the two groups.
“You!? What do you girls want again?” A woman with hair like mustard and ketchup decked out in a leather jacket investigated as she stood alongside her purple friend.
“Oh, if it isn’t Sunset Shimmer and Twilight Sparkle, our arch enemies; how nice of you to finally show yourselves…” Adagio mocked as HaM stopped beating on Dan within an inch of his life.
“What were their names? Sunshit slinger?” Aviator asked curiously while rubbing his bloody knuckles, disregarding the severity of the situation and dragging everyone else into a state of ignorance.
“No you qoH, he said Sunsuck Steamer, obviously.” Red corrected.
“And what was the purple freak called, eh? Twibright Spankle? What a bunch o’ shitlords, eh.” Pat stated as she shook her head disapprovingly as the two new freaks and the 80’s pop star wannabes monologue about something or other to each other.
“These names are clearly only used by the most barbaric and primitive of Iowa locals and have no place in the civilized, Emperor ruled world; I propose we kill them now with holy fire, it’s the only way to cleanse them of their sins…” Grey proposed seriously as some of the more Emperor worshiping members nodded in approval, Pat would've been shaking with excitement at what is to become of these heretics, but she's a bloody coward.
“I don’t know, I don’t like killing people who haven’t pissed me off yet, aside from having shit-tier names they seem dorky enough to let live.” Loose countered as he backed away from Grey who was giving him a death glare.
“How about we all just shut up and get to the point, what the fucks going on?” Pipe asked as he cut off the imminent fist fight between the co-leader of the group and the man wearing full plate armour.
“Ugh, as I said earlier, we’ve come to destroy Christmas-”
“BOOOO!” HaM and the students simultaneously jeered, cutting of the orange 80’s trash once more.
“-And to destroy those two," Adagio pointed towards Sunset and Twilight. "and the swines.” She finished with a dismissive wave at HaM, ignoring the booing.
“Aw jeez guys, why don’t we just skidaddle on back home?” Red the melvin meekly muttered as he backed away from three mildly intimidating women cracking their knuckles, and the two Iowa natives who were still rambling about friendship and harmony.
“Shut up you dweeb, fuckin’ kill ya self.” Anon threatened as Mel stole Red’s lunch money and Avi broke his glasses.
“Dudes, we’ve got bigger problems to worry about right now then Red being a totes dork.” Tux reminded, one of his big toes falling off mid sentence, as he points with his broken finger towards the approaching trio of assholes.
“... Time to kick some asses?” Loose proposed with a shit eating grin, while giving a glance at raging Grey and a cowardly Pat.
“ONWARD, TO GLORY!” Grey roared in agreement over Pat muttering how shit this night is turning out. He took the lead and shoved to two colourful girls aside, ignoring their annoyed remarks as everyone else followed him.
“Yeah, cool, whatever.” Pipe agreed with a shrug as he tossed his shitty punch at Twibrink's head.
“mazeltov!” Anon and Avi jewed out in celebration, breaking a wine glass wrapped in a white cloth.
“I got 2 years tops, might as well make them fun years.” The Iowa native stated as he purposefully ignored the vultures circling him overhead.
“...No…” Red whimpered out as he went to hug Pat for reassurance who also hugged back, although he was also trying to cop a feel but it didn’t work out with how Grey ripped him out of her motherly embrace. Red whined like a little bitch as he was placed right next to the armoured giant.
“You know, I’m not much of a fan of fighting, but if it stops me from being lynched... I’ll follow with the mob.” Dan smartly agreed as he got back from buying another 2000$ cup o’ jo.
“Gotta do eet!” Loose cried out. “Mel, what do you think?”
“...Sure, if they die I can sell their corpses on the black market, but if they live then all the better for me!” Mel joked... probably.
“Come on, fight me bro, fight me!” Anon cried as he stepped right up in Aria’s face before getting drop kicked all the way back into his fellow jew, his Semitic ass crapped itself midflight.
“I get the feeling most of us will die ingloriously in the coming battle... perfect.” Grey uncaringly remarked as the three vixens in front of them looked between each other, smirked and striked an immaculate pose that sent fear into the hearts of HaM.
“Gah! MY EYES!” Pipe screamed as he was blinded by the sparkles glittering off them, and wallowing in anguish as he fell onto the floor.
“Jesus fuckin’ R. Christ!” Loose quivered as he stumbled back, his head landing in Pat’s comfortably warm, shaking fun bags. Pat in turn shrieked from the sudden invasion of her body.
“Absolutely heretical!” Anon shouted as he rose from the ground, ignoring Red crying from Loose’s defilement of Pat and Grey slowly moving towards Loose planning to pummel him.
“Huh... What’s happening?” Tux asked curiously, his eyes dissolved into puddles of gunk from a moments glance at the pose the Dazzlings are utilizing.
“Hell is real my friend, hell is real.” Mel said with a hollow smile, his vintage coke instantly going flat. "The end is nigh, truly...." He finished with a sparkle of tears emerging from his eyes.
The Dazzlings laughed heartily in amusement from HaM’s antics as they watched them fall apart in front of them. They then took a step forward, and somehow enhanced the power they're radiating by posing even harder!
"AWAKEN!"
No one truly knew how the word manifested itself into existence, but as the Dazzlings flexed their muscles a few more words, this time foreign vocalized itself into the space around them.
Der Mensch ist böse, Der Mensch muss besser und böser werden!~
“EH?! It’s too bizarrely amazing!” Pat exclaimed, nodding her head to the beat of the Siren’s theme song while ignoring Loose, who was still just chilin’.
"DOES NOT COMPUTE!" Red yelled frothing at the mouth, his dork side going nuts from what is essentially defying all sorts of sciency laws only he understands.
“WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE, AREN’T WE?” Dan screeched out over the blaring german lyrics, sipping his boiling hot black liquid.
“Yes we will my impure friend.” Avi calmly said as he placed his greedy, gold stealing hands on Dan’s shoulders as he swiped his wallet from Dan's ass pocket. Avi grinned at this, showing the world his gross Jewish teeth. Knowing that they were totally gonna lose from some magic bullshit, the small yet impressively inept group of Santa wannabes huddled together and began their plan of festive attack.
“Suggestions, anyone?” Mel asked while the Dazzlings continued to pose beautifully towards them, although this time the pain was gone as with the music, for the moment.
“I say we commit a blood sacrifice in offering to Khorne, we can use Red.” Pipe inquired, uncaring to the pain and imminent death he was going to grant unto the nerd.
“WHAT?!” Red screamed in fear.
“I like it!” Loose cheered in agreement, pulling out his large sacrificial knife and rope.
“No, I say we sell the students around us to human traffickers and use the money to skip town.” Mel suggested.
“I like it!” Pat exclaimed, throwing away her crowbar and pulling out her jar of chloroform.
“No you autistic freaks, we need to band together and harness the power of Christmas!” Dan declared to the heavens, literally the only 'sane' one of the bunch.
“...I hate it.” Grey mumbled while everyone gave him a look.
They knew, deep down in their cholesterol clogged hearts that with the power of wool sweaters, hot coco, shameless advertisements, amazing deals, pumpkin in fucking everything and Christmas flowing through them they couldn’t possibly lose… well, they couldn’t lose if they were in a civilized part of the world. So instead they'll have to drop a whole new low by doing what the people of Iowa do; send their champion into the battle. That champion being Grey, because he’s wearing armour, has battle experience from being in the Navy and such, and is more than willing to cut down anyone who stands in his way.
"Grey, remove this heresy with holy fire and steel, eh!" Pat yelled, encouraging Grey to charge forward, as she doesn't want to fight people who can pose them to submission along with summon words and music into the air around them. This heresy was too much for the coward.
“Yes, I shall spill the blood of ours and the Emperor's enemies! For this primitive festival! For Humanity! FOR DA EMPARAR!” Grey cried in zealous rage.
The most impressive looking, fanatical and god forsaken member of the Santa Crusaders stepped forward, tore off the plating on his arms along with his coat dyed into the colour red from Seal blood, then flexed his huge hair arms, gross muscles bulging as he does so and struck a beautiful smile at them while wearing the helmet. Even then the glow of his smile still shown through the helm's eye holes.
"Ha, is that all you got? LAAAAME!" The blue skinned, and easily least intimidating member of the trio mocked, and laughed rambunctiously as she stepped forward and did…something. Whatever she did with her hands, it caused a spotlight to shine down on her and partially blinding the pigs. She then jumped forward while performing a series of flips before landing, kneeling, stretching her arms out, shooting a condescending smirk at the knight and flexed the dainty muscles within her mighty arms.
A crack suddenly appeared at the knight's chest piece, then he felt something piece through his very being. “The fuck?” Grey stated as he stumbled back, confused and pissed off.
"This would be the time for me to say 'surrender, or meet your makers', but I'm not in a very forgiving mood right now." Adagio spoke once more, feeling superior over the rabble that is before her. Unknown to the HaM and main six who are witnessing the odd battle; the Dazzlings has returned to Canterlot High with new powers that no one has heard of until now.
Adagio employed the use of her recently new found powers, THE SUPERIOR BATTLE TENDENCY POSES. The poses are too powerful for Grey to handle as he was not as SUPERIOR as the orange haired girl as she posed.
“GAH?! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?! THE POWER OF THE WARP ITSELF?!” He screamed in defiance, trying his hardest to stay in the fight, but was propelled back into the gym’s wall, and his set of armour was once again dented much to his annoyance. The Santa costumed HaM member was defeated by the orange and purple coloured toned girl, he was overwhelmed by the amount of power that eradiate from the poses.
“Welp, we’re fucked.” Pipe stated as the rest stared, open mouth and wide eyed at the fallen knight, but miraculously he survived with minimum injury due the armour. His ego and pride as a man is also what willed him to stand back up, and continue to push on despite the pain he feels throughout his entire body.
“How the hell are they doing this?" Avi screamed as pushed Tux towards the trio of girls.
"What? What did they do?!" Tux asked, getting nothing.
The most evil and orange of the group sneers at Avi, the same way one would sneer at a grease stain on their shirt, before singling him out and targeting him with her sick, SUPERIOR poses. Even with the power of the Jew alfather, and the spirit of Christmas he was nothing compared to the sinister squats of the fish girl.
“The stench of fish! I-It’s too mighty!” Avi cried out as he fell down and collapsed. He was lucky he survived, although Tux was 'fine'.
“What a loser, eh.” Pat exclaimed, wiping a nervous sweat from her forehead as she looked at her fallen comrades.
“Shit, we’re getting our asses kicked! We gotta fall back to the Cafeteria!” LPC ordered, whipping the blood, mud and various other stains off his war torn hoodie, brandishing an air rifle and trying to rally the fallen ‘heroes’.
“We’re fucked man, we gotta get the hell outa here!” Dan cried as he dragged a bloodied Pipe away from the battle, unable to see the glowing eyes of blue haired bully.
“EH! WARKING, WHERE ARE YOU?!” Pat cried for help as Aria jumped towards, crashed landed, then sat on her back as she posed. It's as though she was trying to break her friends' fighting spirit by belittling their morale officer, Aria watches in amusement at her struggle for help with a sadistic grin.
“I’ll save you my waifu!” Red heroically cried as Grey, LPC and Dan, who was conscripted, charged into the fray to try and save the group’s only worthwhile waifu.
“I don’t wanna be here!” Dan cried as Aria got up, and cracked her knuckles as Sonata took her seat on top of Tux’s torso, unaware that by touching the freak she’s contracted a plague that resided all over him. Within a minute, the remaining combat ready members of HaM were bloodied. Grey was face down ass up on the ground, his pants were torn and everyone could see his tightie whities; Dan was choking on his cup of coffee, Red was covered in red and LPC and Pat were being strangled simultaneously by Aria while Sonata and Adagio were sitting on top of a battered Anon and Avi respectively, their soft, pale jew bodies the perfect pillows.
“Well, my life was shit. ” Mel summed up as his life flashed before his eyes. “Sold a lotta nito shit tho.”
“You shit fuckers!” Pipe cried out, blood flying out of his mouth as he staggered up to try and help what was left of the group.
“So, have you accepted your life as a pillow my friendo?” Avi asked, blushing slightly.
“Meh, her butt’s a bit boney, but I can’t complain.” Anon complained, spitting out a loose tooth, and sniffing the scent Sonata was covered in. “Could smell better tho.” Sonata chose to not reply to the insult, but instead placed more weight onto the boy. "Ah, I think a rib broke!" Anon howled in pain while Avi laughed at his misery.
Warking walked in with a binder in hand full of metafics. “Hey guys, back from the lib-...What the fuck?” The curator of shitfics asked as he examined the warzone in front of him, not long after he arrive that suddenly a wild Chrome was summoned through the power of Hanukkah and thrown straight at the war.
“What the what?!” Chrome stammered out. One moment he’d been slumming it up in his house in a doctor’s coat and a pair of black slacks, ignoring his family as he drank shitty beer, and now he was lying on top of WarKing in a gym full of freakish looking teens, his friends all in different stages of dying or enslavement and three girls giving him an evil Ccheshire grin.
“Oooooh, he looks cute, I was getting bored with nothing to do, but watch Aria have all the fun! YAY!” Sonata cheered as she rushed forward, about to either beat Chrome into submission or snuggle him. Before she could, a large, condiment coloured fist stopped her.
“In the name of Harmony, we will stop you!” Sunset Shimmer stated as Twilight and her striked a pair of poses while their band of side character friends stood behind them.
“What about the name of Christmas you shitlord!?” Loose yelled from his ever growing pool of blood, but was ignored by Sunset and co.
“Well, well, well, the cowards finally bring themselves onto the field of battle... Tell me, was it worth letting these subhumans suffer while you seven cowered in fear?” Adagio questioned as she shook her head condescendingly.
Our battle bruvas lay on the floor battered from the battle, others were being re-purposed as furniture and the others stood on the sidelines trying not to be killed; but soon they too cannot withstand the power of poses. Although with the magic of friendship, and the anger at the Dazzlings for injuring the defenders of Christmas Cheer, both Twilight and Sunset found it within themselves to continue the fight for the fallen champions.
“Their pain will power our vengeance!” Twilight cried, animu-style, as they both stepped close together and stood strong and tall as they too used a very intensive pose similar to what the Dazzlings had used. Their poses blinding all in its majesty, a surge of positive energy flew towards the Dazzlings..
“W-What?! HOW?!” Aria cried in alarm and ire.
“Totally not cool!” Sonata stated as she fell of her human chair.
“Impossible!” Adagio continued as she stood tall, refusing to cower.
From the magic of Harmony flowing through her along with her own magical capabilities; Twilight had gained a more muscular physique as she further intensifies her pose. Her puny, noodle arms now gleamed with sweat as she furiously flexed her beefy arms. Just about every HaM member now feels inadequate as men.
“Anyone else feel really ashamed of themselves?” Dan asked as he coughed up his cup, Warking didn't reply, but he could care less about the beefy women.
“Absolutely heretical!” Anon quivered out in between tears.
“Yes.” Avi declared happily.
“Kind of.” Mel said as he shied away.
“Nope!” LPC cried, confident in the size of his shlong.
“No, only mutants can be that unnaturally beefy.” Grey tried to say, his concussion and nearly broken jaw still affecting his speech.
“I don’t have to worry aboot that kinda gay stuff, eh.” Pat stated as she compared her boobs to Twi’s and smiled confidently. At this Red blushed profusely, hiding his treky stiffy and Tux’s body shuffled slightly.
“WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?!” Chrome questioned, being ignored by everyone.
The duel between Twilight and the Dazzlings is about to commence.
But while this is happening a certain blue haired teenage boy watched from afar with a manic smirk growing on his face. "They will never know, until it's too late." The boy maniacally said to himself as he walked away from the battle, and down the hallway.
I did what I can to edit this, but I think it'll be a enjoyable read even if you do come across a few fuck ups, eh. Loose helped a lot, like seriously, a shit ton kind of a lot, eh.
I can't believe I actually got this out... expect quite a number of mistakes, eh.
An epic battle of poses has begun between Twilight and the Dazzlings. The members of HaM watch in awe as they out manly us all with their SUPERIOR poses. Some of us even cry from this.
“Man...It’s so beautiful…” Red said, crying through the blood running from his eyes.
“It’s fuckin’ heretical is what it is.” Grey retorted, refusing to admit he was out done by some purple chick with creepy long ass legs.
“I can’t see, what’s happening?” Anon asked, his body and head still being crushed by Sonata’s ass.
“We’re either going to die even more horribly or live to shitpost another day.” Loosey goosey informed as he coughed up a large, organ shaped thing that totally wasn’t vital to his survival and got ready to watch some cool shit. Suddenly, Adagio struck an immaculate pose so stunning it knocked everyone who wasn’t already on their ass down; yet somehow Twilight seemed unfazed, and annoyed by her own inferior posing. Tux’s rotting corpse sparkled majestically.
“It’ll take more than that to defeat the powers of FRIENDSHIP!” Twi cried, the word ‘friendship’ appearing behind her in large, stylish japanese characters with smaller white subtitles for the non-weebs.
“Hmph, I’ll deal with this muscle bound pig in clothes…” Aria threatened as she stood up and stepped on Avi, breaking one of his shins, and charge forward with a burning hatred.
“SWIRLING VORTEX PPPPPUUUUUUNNNNNCCCCHHHHHH!” She cried out, telegraphing one of her signature attacks. A volley of punches and poses assaulted Twilight, yet none connected as the lavender girl dodged them by jumping back. As Aria moved forward with the flashy display, Twi grabbed her by the arms and threw the girl over her back and onto the ground before jumping onto her, causing a small crater to appear in the grimy as fuck gym's floor.
“Fucking ten outta ten! Ten outta ten, hundred otta hundred, best game, BESTGAYME!” Mel screamed autistically, quoting some shitty person or some shit. The only response he got was Dan smacking him in the back of the head.
“Not bad old friend, not bad.” Sunset congratulated with a smirk.
Not to be outdone by her friend, after regaining her bearings Sunset got her ass off the floor, and looked over to Twilight. She was quick to follow Twilight’s lead in this battle, and somehow through the power of Christmas attacks the assumed weakest member of the Dazzlings; Sonata, with a mighty stance. A badass glare in her eyes instantly appear on her face, her stance blinds us all from its majesty. Sonata was quick to jump off of Anon in an attempt to defend herself.
“I don’t wanna die!” Sonata babbled like a punk bitch as she scrambled away from the heroic onslaught.
“Please let her die, the fish woman’s a putz.” Avi stated as he slowly stood up and walked over to where Pat, Loose, Grey, Red and Dan sat and nursed their severe wounds.
The moment the stance’s power should’ve hit her Sonata barely felt anything, as she was protected by her much more capable Adagio. Said Dazzling only protected the girl so she can have the numerical advantage in the battle, and not have to deal with an injured subordinate.
“You’ll have to try harder then that, you weaklings.” Adagio jeered with a massive, toothy grin.
The orange afro haired girl used her unique SUPERIOR pose, and deflected the power that shot to her from Sunset’s stance. Not knowing how this kind of magic works, but having little to no choice the other red head continued to put more pressure onto Adagio, enhancing her own strength by pointing her finger at the twin tail haired girl as if to focus fire onto the Dazzling.
“So, is this a normal day for you freaks or is this just something new?” Chrome asked as he tried to help fix the broken arms and open wounds that the non-shit tier HaM members had.
“Nah, without the magic this is just a normal day in ‘Straya ya cunt.” Loose informed, his boganism slipping in.
“Eh!” Pat stated, no one really knew what it meant but they assumed it was something similiar to her dumbfuck, Australian redneck ‘friend’.
“I can’t articulate how much I regret coming here.” Dan said, sipping his coffee that was embedded in his arm. “Really, there’s no words. I’ll have to make up new words to describe my regret.”
“Hunting heresy and spreading the Emperor’s will naturally draws sycophants like these deamon harlots!” Grey cried like a preachy bitch.
“We could be in Paris right now, blowing the guy who played Scotty but nnnnoooooo we had to go help some retarded kids instead!” Red muttered angrily, crying that he can’t suck the 4 inch dick of a Scotsman.
“I came here to be attacked and sell kids on the black market, so all in all it’s been a good night.” Mel, the Asian import, reminded as he eyed up the few kids brave enough to keep watching this fuckfest of violence and reasoned they’d be perfect for ‘working’ in Warking’s and Pat’s salt mines…. as in as editors for their shitty stories.
“Someone help me up...My other leg is over there somewhere.” Pipe requested as he was dragged over to the small group by Avi, Anon, Chrome dome and for some reason Tux’s sparkling torso came along.
After picking up their teeth and setting their bones back in place, the pig sows slowly stood back up with the support of one another. Half of the men were barely holding together. Pat’s dream to bring christmas joy; the one she and Loose had shared back at their shit posting on the threads were in ruins thanks to the Dazzlings.
“Fucking Dazzlings, none of this would’ve happened if we’d just stayed home and shitpost like ‘normal’ people!” Dan bitterly reminded while the agitated and butthurt group watched the amazeballs fight that was taking place five feet from them.
"Aight you fuckbois, listen up, eh!” Pat screamed as the HaM members looked at her… and quickly looked back at the fight. Aside from Red, Grey and Loose no one wanted to hear her shit.
“Fuckin’ listen to me, EH!” She yelled as she rose her crowbar and began ‘raising morale’ amongst the weaker members. With some convincing with her other crowbar, she manage to cobble together a fighting unit and form a plan that was only in the oven for a couple seconds before getting taken out, and thrown onto the counter; the plan was simple.
“This plan is fucking retarded, like you you bloody putz.” Avi insulted as Anon the treacherous jew wholeheartedly agreed.
“Unless you got something better, let’s do what my waif-I mean, valued friend over here says.” Red stuttered, spilling his spaghetti in front of everyone.
“Well, I didn’t think I’d live past tonight so the plan’s good enough for me.” Loose agreed as he popped his shoulder back in place, nabbed Pipe and Grey and took positions.
They were weak, so an all out attack was not going to work, so instead they planned to strike Adagio at once. You know, cut down the leader and the rest of the enemy forces fall apart? Sun Tzu said something like that, right? He’s the purveyor of war, so his advice on war is totes legit. Dan thought the plan was asinine, but was swiftly reminded by Mel that everything on HaM is asinine.
But before they could do so, the Dazzlings had finally unlocked their full potential!
“Those girls, something freaky is going on with them!” Chrome announced in shock and horror, causing Mel and Red to scream like little bitches.
“HAHAHA! COWER IN FEAR YOU SUBHUMANS!” Adagio instructed as she radiated with sinister energy, practically glowing as she posed gracefully like a Greek Goddess.
The pigs felt that the time of joy and laughter was destroyed, and replaced by negative energy. They began to pose even harder as they supercharged themselves, the members of HaM not knowing what’s going on, but the girls looked to be somehow absorbing all of the now visible negative energy around them.
“I think the mexican food I ate is coming back up…” Dan quietly warned as he keeled over and collapsed.
“Oh no… all those repressed memories are coming back up again!” Pat said to herself, suddenly remembering that one time at her cousin’s house with the dark bedroom, ropes and chair, her cousin and his friends were mostly naked, and they were standing around her with lecherous grins plastered on their faces.
“Those fuckin’ heretics are doing something again!” Anon the coward reminded everyone as they watched the fishy freaks of nature TRANSFORM!
Within moments their clothes bulged and teared in various places as they grew in size and powerful. Their arms grew muscles, their legs grew muscles, their eyes grew muscles; even their muscles grew muscles; their everything grew muscles. They’re waaaay more natty and fabulous than Twilight, who’s arms no longer looked as glamorous now compared to their enemies’.
“Wow... we’re fucked... Like, I knew we had a slim ass chance before but this... This is god-tier shit man… Fuck me man…” Chrome said, getting real for a second as he stood there and stared off into the distance, the non-existent wind blowing through his anime hair as he accepted his fate.
Shit turns grimdark as Tux was finally given the Emperor’s peace by getting killed off AGAIN from the sheer manliness the newly transformed girls excrete, and they haven’t even begun to attack us yet. We didn’t even have time to mourn Tux before his scattered body turned to dust, and became one with our breathing air.
“Oh god, Tux is inside me!” Warking cried in alarm, the gayness of his sentence shocking him to his core and nether regions. It was at this point Twilight had enough of this battle, and used what strength she has left to stand and strike a tired pose, though this too was powerful enough to have subtitle less kanji's appear out of nowhere.
ジョジョ立ち
“With the power of Equestria and my friends, I cannot lose to you!” She declared and so the Kanji's intensified as they enlarge themselves accompanied with an explosive sound effect.
“By the God Emperor, this display of warp powers is absolutely heretical!” Grey too declared; he would have beaten the heroine into dust if it weren’t for Tux’s ashes causing him to cough up his lungs.
Twilight ignored the man donned in dented armor. With her now radiating positive emotions, the friendship of magic through the use powerful poses it has sent magic to her close friends. Not going into detail, but they like the Dazzlings also became super buff with flashy lgith show and accompanied theme music typically heard in Japanese anime.
“Pat... I think I may be bisexual now, they’re just too manly for me not to be turned on~” Loose said, trying to hold back the shudder in his voice and boner in his shorts.
And as usual the Main Six in unison took a step forward in a righteous effort to save the day. instinctively they get into a loose defensive formation. A VERY loose formation, so as though they could quickly rearrange themselves into a more offensive formation.
“Ya’ll ain’t shit!” JappleAack shouted angrily, crackin’ her gross knuckles.
“FUCKIN’ YEAH BITCH!” RD violently screeched - the adrenaline running through within her veins filling her with rage, and making her vagina dick super small and veiny.
“DERLIN’” Rarity said like a fake basic bitch.
Fluttershy said nothing while Pinkie said some stupid meme about gay shit.
“Oi, what the fuck is this shit?” Grey questioned, he had taken a minute in an attempt to shove his teeth back in place, and had miss the entire display of raw power and magic.
“Come on guys... no wait, girls? Guys?... We gotta kick these fishes’ asses!” Twilight ordered as they all formed a V shaped formation and striked a pose.
Although the group has found new found energy and strength to fuel their SUPERIOR bodies, their minds are still exhausted from taking the brunt of the shock waves the prolonged battle had sent outwards, the same shock waves that have killed off Tux. Thus they were having a hard time paying attention to their surroundings, tired minds they have.
Silently someone approaches the battlefield. Someone everyone equally hated…
“Huh, anyone else feel like an asshole just entered the-” Loose’s pondering was interrupted as an unforeseen pose struck him from the shadows, causing him to fall onto Pat’s marshmallow breasts, kick Red in the phaser, piss in Dan’s watered down coffee, curse Grey’s religion, make Mel lose his money, Pip to get madder, Warking to recheck the metafic list, Chrome to question his existence, Tux to be even more dead and Anon to fuck Avi with his jew fro. This all happened in the space of three seconds.
The mysterious stranger slowly, yet somehow quickly slipped out of the shadows as he quickly made his way to the undefended rear of the Main Six. A few members of HaM has taken notice of the man, but didn’t think to call him out for looking like a weirdo with his blue hair.
“Nice guitar fagget, kill yourself.” Grey ordered, causing the unknown teen to chuckle like a dumb, dark, emo anime character.
Ignored by HaM, the blue haired teen raised his steel bat, and swings the well manufactured and expensive bat to AppleSack’s head. With a loud crack the buff girl drops to the cold floor without uttering a gasp. The blue haired boy grins maniacally at this, he had soundly defeated what should’ve been a powerful opponent. He had cheesed it by waiting until he saw them wavering, weakened. He had struck down a member of the main six in the most dishonorable fashion, by physically striking them with a baseball bat while she was unaware.
What a fuckin’ prick, not even using poses to fight. “I got so much respect for him right now.” Mel shuddered out, amazed by his K.Oing skills.
Caught off guard, Rainbow Dash turned around with a jump, and attempted to retaliate, but with her back now exposed she was knocked down to the floor by the Dazzlings who took advantage of her dire distraction. Although the girl was lucky for not being taken fully out of the fight as she still had consciousness, thanks to Pinkie Pie jumping directly where the Dazzlings poses were directed at, but before she could make a pose to defend herself she took the attack originally flexed at colorful haired girl.
“I did it... for the lols brah.” Pinkie gasped as she slipped into unconsciousness, and was now slowly losing her buff gender bending powers. Even then, the two downed girls were having trouble getting back up, the blue haired boy cackled as he swung the bat to crack open Rainbow’s skull.
“WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!” Huge Twilight screamed, shocked to see her quasi boyfriend/friend zoned melvin assaulting her friends. The boy had stopped just as the bat was about the hit Pinkie right in the face, he didn’t knew why hearing Twilight's screamed had caused him to halt his sure to be killing blow. But he felt the need to say something before he goes back to being a murderous psychopath or an edgy tween.
“You thought it would be Adagio to take your friends’ lives… but it would actually be I, Flash Sentry!“ He referenced with a shit eating grin and a victorious thumb’s up to himself.
“...WOW, what an asshole!” Pipe jeered from the sidelines.
“BOOO!” Dan cried, throwing a few coffee cups at him.
“Your hair is bad and you should feel bad!” Mel taunted, making it rain with Taiwanese money and coke cans.
“Would you people-” An irked Flash Sentry was cut off by more shitty insults.
“Go back to Washington you fascist, EH!” Patty suggested, completely disregarding the Iowain origins of this would-be murderer.
“Fuckin’ feg, can’t even kill people the right way!” Loosey laughed, falling asleep in between Pat’s warm pillows, while also popping a little half chub much to Pat’s surprise.
“You wouldn’t be so tough if Picard was here!” Red nerded out, forgetting that Picard is basically a fuckin’ skeleton; and skeletons aren’t real. Everyone knows that, except for Red. Poor him and his silly theories.
“The God Emperor turns his gaze from you!” Grey declared, pointing dramatically at Sentry and almost attackin’ him with said pose. THAT IS HOW MUCH HE BELIEVES IN DA GOD EMPRAH!
“I still don’t know what’s going on, but you’re a fucker!” Chrome stated, still mostly confused and disorientated.
“Eat shit!” Warking demanded as he threw Faustin’s discarded metafics at him.
“You fuckin’ amoretz, go home and grow some balls you prepubescent kid!” Avi the Avid Jew shouted in Yiddish.
“Meh, he seems kinda cool I guess.” Anon stated, causing Grey to sucker punch him in the back of the head.
Tux said nothing, as deadmen quote no memes.
“I was going to ask you ignorant, basement dwelling, insignificant whelps to be quiet. Now it seems I’ll have to deal with you people after them …” Flash, not the savior of the Universe, said emotionlessly as he turned away from them, foreshadowing them of their imminent demise...
Burning Colosseum, Avalon
“Once I’m done with these insignificant insects I’ll deal with you basement dwellers…” Flash tells us, not caring that we were still booing him. “...And then, the Sirens and I will RUIN CHRISTMAS! HAHAHAHAHAHA!” He laughed like a madman, uncaring that we and most of the kids still standing around were booing intensely.
“Fuckin’ pleb, bet ya can’t even-” Red’s shitty threats were interrupted as the blue haired freak threw his bat at him, knocking Red to the floor and causing his spaghetti to fall out of his pockets. Never forgetti.
After the world’s worst OC fucked up Red’s face he turned around, and stared maliciously at the girls stuck between himself and Adagio who were closing in swiftly.
“This is bad…” Twilight mumbled as she went back to back with Sunset Shimmer, and the other less injured girls were slowly positioning themselves in unison to flank Flash Sentry.
“Heeeey, uh Pat, what should we do?” Dan asked the now de facto leader seeing how LPC was unable to boost morale. Said leader was still just sitting on the ground with LPC still between her sweater muffins.
“I dun know, fukin’ kick some ass, eh.” She replied tiredly as Grey nodded his head at her words as if they were wise, while the others were shaking their heads at their leader. The boys except for Grey came to an agreement, they were not going to be able to fight with their current conditions. Although two heroes were about to rise to the challenge.
“If we let the Christian heathens die, then Judaism will reign supreme!” Anon screeched like the shekel stealing cunt he was.
“Wrong once more feg, the Emperor will destroy you and your false religion!” Grey yelled like an autistic freak who was bearing down on the sickly green freak and his jew fro'd friendo.
But, just as Sentry Flash was about to end the lives of the muscle bound superhuman girls(?), they were saved by a couple of master fighters/posers with creepy, super long legs.
“Enough! This battle of fates goes against school rules!” Vice principal Luna, the OG motherfucker, reminded as she and her 9’5 tall sister posed dramatically together.
“We’ll have to beat you into a pulp… or take you to detention, either way the PTA’s gonna complain.” Principal ‘big dick’ Celestia told them, cracking her knuckles and tearing her shirt slightly from her rippling muscles that were modest compared to the freaks duking it out with poses.
“Hah! You think you two can harm us?!” Flash taunted, tilting his head back and roaring with laughter.
Celestia glared at her misbegotten student before yelling as she posed. "Stand proud with me sister!" Luna replied by posing once more but this time it sent him flying back and landing just past Adagio, who just barely manage to avoid the flying teen.
"Do you even pose?" Luna insulted her fallen adversary as flexed her lean muscular body.
“Damn, the freak ladies are good.” Avi commented, spinning his dreidel.
“Wonder if they’re single…” Dan mumbled to himself, his secret leg fetish getting the better of him as he ‘mired their freakishly long mutant legs; he was getting a stiffy already.
The HaM’s stared in awe at their powerful fighting style and freakish, mutant legs that are bigger than the rest of their body. While Celestia and Luna battle the she hulks and betrayer more lyrics along with Jazz instruments were heard throughout the gym, though thankfully they couldn't be seen.
Shijima no soko kara
mezameru sono hashiratachi
toki wo koe
Shinku no chishio ga
tachiagaru yuuki wo
hikiawaseru~
But despite their experience and use of music to boost their performance they are slowly losing. Clearly, they haven’t been keeping practice in the art of the SUPERIOR poses, but past experience has allowed them to withstand the overwhelming might that is the four adversaries.
“Sister! We must not lose!” Luna cried out as she side stepped a flying kick from Flash, but then grabs onto him and threw him back at his ally. All the while Celestia kept battling Adagio with her poses and use of bling.
“Come on! Fuckin’ do it!” Loose inspirationally said with determination in his eyes.
“If you lose we die, don’t let us die please!” Red begged like the pacifistic pussy he is.
“I still got people to sell for coke and pepsi, don’t let my crime empire crumble here!” Mel ordered, accidentally providing more verbal evidence for the CIA.
“Don’t believe in yourself, believe in me who believes in you!” Pipe dramatically requested, somehow still alive as he profusely bleeds out on the floor.
“If I die here, I won’t be able to convert more heretics to Jewish beliefs!” Anon and Avi simultaneously cursed in alarm, they shake from the possibility of death. Their diseased ridden skin flakes into the air mixing with Tux’s remains.
“If I die here, I won’t be able to kill said heretics for being brainwashed by those heathens!” Grey yelled in anger as he pointed at his two least favourite fags.
“Don’t let the perfect waifu die, eh!” Pat vainly yelled as she tried to make herself seem more innocent and kind then she was, for in reality she was a monstar who is slowly enslaving people within and out of HaM.
“Random 4th wall joke!” Pinkie Pie yelled out for no fuckin’ reason.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Rainbow out of nowhere belted out in pure anger; the red rage has consumed her.
“Y’all fuckers need Jesus.” AJ said as she slowly regained consciousness, only to get knocked out again by her one true love; an apple.
“Celestia! I believe in you with all my heart! Don’t fall here!” Twilight and pleaded as posed and flexed - radiating with power and faith.
“If I wasn’t powerful enough to take over, then these two aren’t either! Your power can topple these loathsome pests!” Sunshit Slinger reminded, skipping over the part where her plan was asinine from the start.
“Okay, now what’s going on?!” Chrome demanded, yet people still ignored him.
Warking said nothing, he was tits deep in erotic JoJo fanfiction.
The HaM’s and Mane 6 starring Sunset cheer them on, crying inspirational/reference lines, but not Grey Knight... He hated them all, hate is all he knows. He was born into the hate, moulded by it, he hasn’t felt anything other than hate until he met Pat. By then it was nothing but blinding!
As the seasoned posers duke it out, the fighting and posing getting progressively more impressive, the HaM’s begin to realize they’ll need more than just encouragement to win.
“Okay Loose, I think we should do something about this.” Dan told the superior male who merely looked at him.
“Nah, I think they’ve got it handled.” He disagreed with a monotone'd voice.
Sure, the two adults are capable of holding off the younger posers, but they lack the Greek God physique that the Dazzlings posses, and will tire before they could be able to defeat the three girls.
“You know this is merely a battle of attrition, one you can’t win with your inferior form!” Adagio taunted as she seamlessly avoided the oncoming blows.
“You...You won’t win you heartless monster!” Celestia ‘the puss crusher’ shouted in anger and refusal.
After twenty or so minutes of epic poses, gay dialogue from the walking hams, extreme anal sex between Grey and Red, Jewing out, Aussie talkin’ between Pipe and LPC, drinkin’ shit tons of coffee, Pinkie’s ‘hilarious’ antics and Tux’s spirit powering Chrome and giving him the knowledge to know what the fuck is going on. The teachers look completely exhausted, but unharmed although sooner or later their muscles will begin to slowly tear themselves apart if they continue.
“Seriously, we should probably do something now.” Chrome said as LPC and Pat did nothing but dick around.
“Na, eh.” Best waifu said as she stared off into the distance thinking about the salt mines.
Flash Sentry has noticed that the Mane Six have taken their eyes off of him for the moment, and focused to strike the fish woman together/ Taking his chance he moves to flank the two adults. With lightening speed he ran around the outer edge of the gym. With his bat was about to make his move to strike once more, but then he freezes in mid step.
“What’s his problem now?” Warking asked as he finished jacking off to the JoJo erotica, fondly remembering how hawt Lisa Lisa is.
“Maybe he’s got extreme diarrhea?” Red suggested as he tried to push Grey off him after the rough pounding he just received.
“Or perhaps he has realized he can’t win and will prob get his shit kicked in like most B-grade side villains.” Pipe suggested as he imagined Flash getting royally fucked over.
Everything within Flash was in shock, not knowing what’s going on he gurgles out a cry of despair as he begins to lose consciousness. "Ōbādoraibu!" Someone yelled out behind the blue haired teen. In the next moment he is suddenly, and violently taken down by a new challenger.
“Who dat?!” Mel asked everyone as people filled their shit over the new comer who was wearing a lab coat while was casually posing with hands in the pants pocket, and slightly leaning back a bit.
“Hmph, by my calculations this mess will be sorted out within the hour…” She calmly said as she adjusted her glasses and dramatically threw her coat off. As the coat soared through the air, if looked closely sparkles and little bits of electricity were running through the coat.
“Ah, good to see you again; how’s the Academy?” Twilight asked as she smirked and shook the hand of her multiverse counterpart.
The newest challenger is Twilight, or to be more precise the Human/Other Twilight.
“Recovering, thanks for asking.” She replied with a smile before frowning at the antagonists. “We’ve work to do, and thankfully I’m not the magical flying monster this time around.” She continued as she rolled up her purple shirt sleeves and flexed her smaller, but still nicely toned, lean muscles.
“You foolish girl, you should’ve stayed out of this!” Aria cried as she striked from the shadows! her wounds had healed and rage tempered. It seemed like Other Twilight was out before she’d begun; instead Other Twilight merely smirked and went on the offensive! After many months of studying the magic at Canterlot, researching ancient Tibetan martial techniques and it's relation to the Sun, and spending many hours at the Karate Club at Crystal Prep: she has unlocked the ability to use a form of attack using Wave Energy. Other Twilight was quick to strike down Aria with her recently mastered ability; the Sendō Ripple Overdrive, a ripple technique.
“H-hey, what’d I mi-” As Sonata awoke, she stumbled upwards and was affected by the attack’s blast wave, but came out somewhat unscathed, though is now barely standing as she lost a lot of magic from other Twilight’s attacks.
It is a shame that Other Twilight was a bit too slow to turn the tide of the battle. While everyone was paying attention at the new comer, Adagio a significant amount of her magical powers to swiftly take down Celestia and in doing so losing some of her wonderful muscles in the process. Now leaving Luna the only one standing other than the Twilights.
“SHIZAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!” Luna cried, causing some of the younger students to gasp, and a spectating Applebloom to cry from the sheer, unfiltered sorrow and hate in her voice.
Luna was currently in shock to see her far more skilled, and powerful sister defeated on the cold floor. Adagio merely chuckles at Luna, and proceeds to mock the remaining fighters by lifting up both of Celestia's legs, and began playing with them as though they were a guitar. "She is on the verge of death. I have her at my mercy, what will you do?" At this Luna roars in anger as the enemy toys with her sister. Blinded by rage and despair Luna ran up to Adagio to physically strike with all of her might.
"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Adagio was laughing like a mad woman as Luna ran up to her, out of focus and full of anger. She was quick to drop the legs, and proceeded to defend continue toying with the Crusaders. Even with her losing some of her power, Adagio was able to redirect Luna’s punches and kicks. “My, my, you’ve clearly lost your edge if that set you off!” Adagio ridiculed as she countered every attack Luna set her way. Being more younger and nimble she was able to take out the tired adult with a fatal pose, a pose that literally blew Luna away and causing her to hit a brick wall effectively knocking her out.
Adagio gave off a aura of raw power and arrogance as she had defeated two of the most power enemy posers within the school. She stood tall as she posed as if she already won.
"No!" An outcry came from Rainbow Dash, her body shaking as she looked at the fallen warriors.
"Adagio is-" Apple Jack started, but was cut off by Rarity.
"She is radiating light that rivals the brightness of the sun!" The diva pointed dramatically at the orange afro haired girl.
"Nonono! Oh god! This is bad!" Pinkie Pie yelled in devastation as she felt something within her telling everything is all over for them now.
Adagio gave off a laugh, one sounding as though she accomplished a long life goal. "The Ultimate Being embodies the negative energy of each and every living human." The Dazzling explained as she slowly moved herself into a pose, one that left her exposed to all attacks, but none attacked knowing that anything they could do was futile. "All lives gathered as one, ascending me on a higher form!" Adagio laughed once more as she slowly too a step forward. "And, how beautiful it shines! Truly the most wonderful thing I have ever beheld..." She says as she inspected her body as it glows with a white light, and grinned when it didn't cause her to go blind from its majesty. "I have finally tamed Humanity!"
"This is terrible!" Fluttershy declared while taking a few uneven steps back. "Look, even Twilight is afraid!"
"She's... she's invincible! She has no weakness! I fear not even the Other Twilight's ripple will work!" The expression on Twilight's face is one on the edge of defeat, as though she was slowly accepting Adagio had won. "She's immortal! Unkillable! Unmatched!" She explained as she shakily pointed a finger at the being filled of negative energy. "This is the birth of the perfect lifeform, the Ultimate Being, ADAGIO!"
“NOW should we do something?!” Warking asked, shocked and appalled that the group of weebs, losers and melvins were still doing nothing after hearing Twilight's declarations.
Despite being exhausted and just lost most of her morale as she watched Adagio defeat the school's faculty, and then continued to pose smugly it has caused Other Twilight to give her a smouldering look as she breathes in, using the oxygen to fuel her hamon. Other Twilight, although she is not as exhausted as her friends and the other shit lords, despite her time spent in the Karate Club; she knows that isn’t exactly the most fit person ever, seeing how she spends most of her time in her room doing nerdy shit and thinking about her horse self. She has begun to see she’s a bit in a rut so to speak, but she still has a chance as long as she controls her breathing.
“Focus Twilight... now is your time to shine, your friends need you, the school needs you... The world needs you…” She said to herself, motivating herself to fight the orange menace. The only way she can survive the night is to push herself forward, and continue to fight. There’s simply no other option-
“We the people of HaM, will now enact our secret technique that has secured victory for us time and time again over the past few years we’ve known each other…. RUN AWAY!” Pat, being the total coward she is not known as then proceeded to leave everyone behind, and every Pig who still stands began to drag away casualties with them.
“Come on you fuckwit!” LPC ordered as he dragged Pipe away, causing him to get pissed off about blood getting out of his stump leg.
“Every Jew for himself!” Avi yelled as he ran like his parents ran from the Camp Leaders…
“Fuck all of y’all!” Anon scretched like a bat out of hell.
“I’m too young to die!” Dan weeped, spilling his coffee on his dick.
“I’m too angry to die.” Grey mumbled as he slowly trudged along, carrying his new gay lover Red on his armoured shoulders.
“We’re doomed aren’t we?” Red whispered to himself.
“Yes my white as bread friendo, yes…” Mel stammered as he downed his emergency glass of coke to calm his nerves.
“I wish I’d stayed out of this shit…” Pip said to himself and Loose as he held onto his hacked off leg.
“If I die, please write a romantic fan fic about me!” WarKing requested as he dragged a large jar containing Tux’s magical ashes, and sexual fluids.
“EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” Further up the hallway Pat cried out like a call to retreat as she ran, arms flailing like a babbie. The HaM group are not really the tactical geniuses we like to think we are, but shit, we gotta run and hide for a bit to recover and think things over. How does one go about killing a god?
“Fuckin’ leg it!” Pipebom yelled as he whacked LPC with his dismembered leg, egging him on to keep running towards the exit of the gym. Loose was getting tired super fast from carrying the fat piece of shit.
“Eh, keep movin’!” Pat, the waffling loser, screeched like a banshee to the people waaay behind her as Red weeped, a stream of snot and blood running out of his nose. A battered, and angry Grey knight carried him on his muscular shoulders.
“Oh man, oh man oh lordy lord!” Danny wailed out like a woman from the 50’s while he injected a cappuccino into his bloodstream, though he has no blood, only coffee.
“Anon, my love, I don’t want to die!” Avi the cock sucker stated as he stumbled over his skinny Jew legs while Anon bitterly ran with him.
“All this shit’s absolutely heretical.” Anon declared as he caught up with da group.
“So many regrets, so many hand cramps…” Loose, the loosest cannon, whispered as he flash backed to all the sad, self lovin’ sessions he performed alone in the shower with a bottle of rum in one hand and his shlong in the other, and his mother on the mind… so many regrets...
Grey, being one of the few ‘sane’ people of the group saw a perfect hideout for him to hide; the bathroom. Without a word he charged towards the shitroom, and with a wrrry he slammed it open and ran inside. His loud actions have caught the attention of the people behind him including the colourful ladies who chose to remain silent as they ran. All except for Pat who ran waaay ahead of everyone else.
“My arrogant, Emprah hating brothers! Sanctuary!” Poking his armoured head out, Grey announced as the pack of sweaty man children swarmed him like the Tyranids he dreamed of one day fighting, and will continue to be a dream.
“All for one!” Mel shouted above the rest as he pushed past Chrome, LPC/Pip, Warkin and Danny boi.
“You lousy cunt!” L to the P to the motherfuckin’ C and PippyBom boi the third exclaimed in unison, their innate Australian senses syncing up their minds.
“Guys! We’re almost… Eh?...” Pat mumbled as she slowly stopped running, turned around and saw the shit heads storming into the toilets. In a mad dash she tried to catch up, but noticed the room they were entering. “SUNNADA BEEETCH!”
THE MEN’S ROOM~!
Surely, no girl, not even the very manly, possibly futa, Adagio would enter the men’s bathroom…. well, that’s totally a real thing and not a theory Red came up with on the spot.
Pat was left outside of the safe room with a very dangerous Adagio; she’s so screwed. Leaving women and children behind to die is a HaM tradition. Perfect, just as planned.
“Ah shitstorm… eh.” Pat said in defeat as she saw a monstar’s shadow slowly appear onto the wall, and door in front of her.
“Well...Well...Well… Seems your cowardly friends have abandoned you...How fun.” Adagio whispered with malice and glee in equal measures. Pat started to cry, memories of her husbando and babby in mind. She turned around to take one last look at the Kars ripoff, if only to tick off her murderer.
“Wow… It smells like shit in here…” Chrome proclaimed as Anon picked up a rotten turd and hucked it at the silver haired dweeb.
“You smell like shit!” Avi howled in laughter as the green crap slid down the back of Chrom’s head.
“Guardsmen! The enemy is at our door!” Grey said as he tried to rally the demoralized and waifu lacking crew.
“Yeah, no shit big g-” Warking was interrupted however, when Grey used Red as a club and beated him up severely.
“As I was quoting badly...The enemy is at our door! We know our duty and we will do it!”
“No...No we won’t…” Dan mumbled before Grey gave him a fuckin’ evil look.
“We fight for our honour! As HaM members, as shitposters and we fight in the name of the Emperor!” Grey declared as he raised an iron plated fist into the air… After a few moments Red clapped supportively, all the while the rest of HaM went back to groveling on the shit stained floor. “We are SPESS MEHREENS!”
“...No, we’re a bunch of basement dwellers and a disturbingly muscular man in armour cowering in a loo; we should probably do more than just sit here while waiting for natural decay to take effect…” Pip said aloud, drawing the ire of Grey, the ass master. With those words, the rest room became eerily silent as everyone began planning about how to win the day.
Although the beaten Main Six doesn’t seem to mind the men’s bathroom as much as most other women, probably because they’re more concerned about the painful headache they have rather than the smell of shit, the scent of sweet and sour semen, and aroma of salty piss lingering in the air… and it could also be the fact that the Main Six and Sunset were part man now.
Not after two minutes of the guys sitting around; Pat screams of pain and agony was suddenly heard just outside of the bathroom, most of the men tried to ignore it, ashamed for forgetting their mascot.
“M-Mah waifu…” Red whispered, ashamed of himself while Grey shook slightly.
“Fuckin’ hell…” Chrome swore, unable to block out the sounds of one of his frie… acquaintances in pain.
“God damn it, this is triggering my ‘Nam flashbacks…” LPC said to himself as he began looking off into the distance, Pat’s screams reminding him of that Vietnam village… so many women and children… so many assholes were laid in ruins that day.
“This is going from bad to shit-tier quick, we gotta do something you idiots!” Dan shouted as he wiped the urine off his coffee cup lid.
“I’m all ears.” Pip sarcastically said, not expecting anything good.
“Okai, here me out… What if… We hire a bunch of Japanese assassins-” Mel started seriously.
“No, those fashion models are too strong for assassins, even the chink versions.” Anon racistly countered as Mel went quiet.
Although the Main Six are slowly starting to get worried about her well being out there, but chose not to comment on it. They realise they don’t overly care for these subhumans anywhore. As the assorted members of the Main six laid on the horribly stained tile floor- the honourable and kind hearted male members of HaM sat on the crusty ass toilets or, if they were desperate, they’d sit in the syringe filled urinals. They rather not sit on the ice cold floor, they rather keep their asses warm on recently sat on toilet seats and pissed in urinals.
With nothing better to do, other members began brainstorming ways they could save themselves and not have everyone die horribly. LPC, looking up from the toilet bowl he was sitting on, suggested they should just make a mad dash for the exit and hope it goes well.
“-And then we make a break for Rio and met up in a year’s time with new faces and names!” He finished, huffing loudly as people either nodded in approval or raised their left eyebrows.
“I mean, it’s not a bad idea… But we’ll all die aside from you, Grey, Red and Pipbom…” Avi argued reasonably.
“I’m willing to risk it, sorry guys but I gotta live for the next ST movie.” Red said with a half hearted shrug.
“If you die tonight then it’s because the Emperor wills it…” Grey stated as he hid his gross anime-esque blush from Red. Secretly, Grey just wanted to leave with Red riding on his shoulders into the sunset.
“As long as me and Loose make it out, I’m peachy.” PipBom said uncaringly.
“No...It’s my destiny to defeat the evil plaguing this school…” Some random 14 year old with edgy white hair, red eyes, 30 belts weighing him down and a large black trench coat and fedora adorned announced dramatically. One of the guys suffering from special snowflake, a serious disease affecting billions of bad OCs, believes he can somehow save the day and screams something generic/pretentious about morality and destiny and runs out of the shit stained, dimly lit room… And immediately dies as Adagio breaks his neck the second he took a step outside.
“Boy, that was cringey... Anyway...No. I’m not dying tonight. Here’s my idea!” John Hood, the corporate, industrial and revolutionary monster - then suggests as he stepped out of a tiolet stall. His suggestion was quite simple; and that they wait it out in the safety of the bathroom, and almost everyone kinda wants to, but do they want to stay in the bathroom for the rest of their lives?
No, they had their cool shit back home waiting for them to return to them.
“Man, I left all my food at home! And my autoblow! Soon we’ll have to resort to cannibalism to sate our needs...” Iron, the other member of HaM - then starts to freak out about how hungry he is, and how they’ll have to eat each other to survive. Soon the other members namely; Sheogorath, Eagle, The Boss began to join in his madness. Surprisingly, some of the rest of the more prominent members of HaM who did not come on the Christmas Crusading are also in the bathroom, for some reason.
“Ew... Are we in the men’s room?” Apple Jack questioned aloud as she slowly woke up; FlutterStutter tried to say yes but she merely cried and mumbled.
As the Main six started to finally recover, with Pinkie Pie and AppleYak along with Rainbow Dash slowly turning back to normal.
“DUDES, STOP LOOKING AT MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!” RD the roid taking mutant demanded angrily as she broke a stall door in half, revealing Dropbear who was takin’ a wicked shit inside. The girls tried to ignore the cannibalistic stares they were getting from the creepy losers. They started asking why the fuck they were hiding in a crap, piss and less mensional fluids stained hell-esque room instead of doing something. The answer is that they’re scared losers, and they don’t want to die.
“Seriously, this is about as bad as my Brother’s room after a bad night of smoking weed and playing CoD.” Other Twilight announced as she remembered her disgrace of a brother.
“WE JUST DON’T WANNA DIE OKAI?!” Howled Dan the coffee addict.
Slowly, Sunset gets up and walks over to one of them. She puts her battle ready fists on his shoulders(almost dislocating his babby bones), looks the quivering manchild dead in the eyes and says with a confident voice…
“Stand up and walk like an a Egyptian.”
That one guy, who we all know as Terran, now has regained his fortitude and was about to start a real speech that would’ve inspired everyone to kick that manly girl’s ass outside of the room, but is quickly cut off by Pat's screams turning into silence, then the sounds of bones snapping were heard… Terran is once again scared like a little babby…
“No... not our cheerleader!” Chrome wailed in disbelief.
“Now who will write her metafic; School Days?!” Red questioned, but only God knew.
Finally mentally snapping, LPC became the man he once was during ‘Nam; A monster.
“GGGGGAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! GUNNERY SERGEANT LOOSE CANNON REPORTING FOR DUTY! WE’RE GONNA FUCKIN’ KILL AND RAPE THOSE VIETGONG BASTARDS AND THEIR MANLY WOMEN! AAAHHHHHH!” He roared furiously, smearing his face in camo then ripped off his tear stained shirt and ran into battle blindly, holding a rifle he got from…somewhere and depositing Pipbomb onto Anon’s broken back.
The assorted bunch of chuckle fucks can hear the sounds of a very one sided battle rage on outside. Bullets were fired, punches were announced and racist Cold War era insults were said... Silence reigned supreme within the bathroom as the door is kicked open, Adagio gave a shit eating grin at the shitlords and others, and threw Pat’s and LPC’s head onto the shitty floor; mentally scarring Redshirt, Grey Knight, The Boss and Iron Galley as they see their waifu super dead/dying in front of them.
“I think I’m gonna die, Eh…” Pat sputtered out faintly, smiling at her friends as the light in her heretical eyes slowly fades away. “my time is now, you can't see me for my time is now…” She muttered, quoting the hero of our time. “Don’t do it for me you shit lords, do it for...AMERICA…” She says quoting another hero despite being from South Korea and is French Canadian trash. With her last breath, Pat’s decapitated head whispers its final words through the magic of plot convenience.
Greatly angered, and saddened, after gently placing Pat's head onto the floor they all stood up at the same time, and in unison they fortified their minds as they tried to make themselves want to take righteous vengeance for Pat against the Ultimate Being... but they’re still super scared like little babbies. Iron already shat himself, and Red is close to killing himself at that point.
“T-This is it Smoothy, this is my time to die...” Loose, the dying cannon said to his best friend/guy to bug with shit stories. “Just know that our time together... was amazing... Please, honour my memory…” He requested with a smile as Pip held onto his decapitated head like that shitty clone kid did at the end of Star Wars 2: The Cloneaning. LPC’s last words slowly became a string of memes and Australian slang that mean nothing to anyone other than Pip. The snowman lover nods solemnly in understanding.
Breaking, Iron eyes LPC’s head with a hungry glint in his beady little eyes. His little gaggle of cannibals soon look over Pat’s head too, but Redshirt being the dumb shitlord he is, protects the decapitated head from their predatory eyes.
“N-No you bakas! You can’t have her! I’m gonna preserve her head in a jar and clone her!” Red nasally whines as Grey nods his head, and raises a thumb in agreement.
Nodding to each other, the band of man eaters descend upon Red, after quickly kicking his stomach and punching his face as they stole Pat’s head into nearest toilet booth they could find and locked the door. Grey made no effort to prevent this, as he's still recovering from the battle just minutes ago. Iron gasped and groaned as he felt that Pat’s mouth was still warm, and thus it was turned into a stress relief toy. Meanwhile, as per his wishes, Pip is carving off LPC’s face and turning it into a mask so he can honour his memories wastelander style.
“Wow, what a fuckin’ powerful display of bullshit…” Chrome said with sheer reverence.
“We’re all gonna die, aren’t we?” Avi rhetorically asked.
“Yes my enemy, yes…” Warking the anti-semitic said as he patted him on the shoulder.
Finally tired of the rampant autistic displays around her, Sunset and her gang of Stardust Crusaders and now ‘normal’ mutant girls stood, they were not prepared to face Adagio, but they vowed to avenge the deaths of their teachers and ‘friends/canon fodder/borderline criminals.
“Alright you losers, listen up!” Sunset tries to get their attention, but all she received was Grey’s hate, LPC’s creepy smiling face and Pip’s soulless eyes behind them, a squirt of something from the locked stall, a gust of wind filled with Tux’s remains, a blast of coffee and a few of her coins being stolen by the Jews and Mel. Chrome was the only one who tried to pay attention.
With the santas falling into madness, Rarity then suggested to the girls that they use them as cover or as distraction as they exit the room.
“It’s the only way, the sacrifice must be made…” Pinkie darkly mumbled as she prepared to honor her god: Corn .
The rest of the girls coldly agree to sacrificing the band of Santa rejects/proto-humans/mutants for the good of the human race.
OG Twilight poses super good as she speaks to the proto-humans. “Warriors of Christmas, if we are to gain victory against the Pillar Men rip offs, then we need you to assist us in the coming battle.”
“Who the fuck said that dumb shit?!” Warking screamed from the booth as the door creaked open slightly and all turned to look.
The remaining santas being super dumb, look over to the one who makes everyone feel inadequate as men, and actually begin to regain their sanity as she continues, “I’m not gonna lie, some of you may die… well, most of you.” She says as she looks over to Pat’s ravaged mouth, and LPC’s half eaten head and missing face.
“But, you are needed once more, to battle the demons and Monstars that threaten to destroy what you swore to defend; Christmas!” Although her choice of words are not exactly worded very well or inspiring or is true for every HaM member, she’s starting to feel mentally exhausted.
For some dumb reason the men of HaM are regaining their morale from this… this commissar. “I don’t have much of a plan for you, but if all goes well then we’ll become victorious tonight and forever!” The santas cheer, despite them clearly going back to fight that monstar, the one they ran away from to avoid death.
“FOR DA EMPERAH N’ PAT!” Grey yelled triumphantly, raising Pat's crowbar into the air.
“We can do it bois! With the power of Christmas behind us, we can’t lose!” One of the least mentally challenged member of HaM, Chrome, declared as he stood up and began clapping off beat to Twilight’s terrible rally cry.
The Main Six and Sunset are super relieved to have some help/canon fodder; Other Twilight then positions the Santas in a single group near the door.
The girls, although they should feel like shit after what they went through, are now feeling up to the coming battle or escape, it all really depends how things go outside. Even the muscleless Rainbow Dash seems pretty hyped to get a chance to kick some ass again, whilst her fellow ‘normals’ Applejack and Pinkie Pie were busy recovering. Hoping that the spirit of Christmas and the magic of Friendship will grant them their glorious bodies, so that they can again fight the Dazzlings without the fear of getting killed off.
Despite the meat shields in front of them, Flutters was busy being super scurred.
Surprisingly Sunset seems to be a bit happy knowing that the Santas will get killed as she finds the whole Santa concept too creepy to fuck.
“My god what have I signed up for…” Red quietly asked himself as he snapped back to reality, of there goes gravity.
Ein edler Mensch im Wege steht
“Remember guys; break formation, lose hope, leave friends behind, get backed into corners and don’t check your surroundings! That’s how we’ll win! And ALWAYS never reload unless your in battle!” cried a particularly gung ho member of HaM, named Dopebear, who had somehow sneaked an assault rifle filled with brass, and a bandoleer full of grenades into the cult school.
“Sounds like a plan the God Emperor himself would have devised.” Grey Knight said encouragingly. Despite being in the military he’s totally cool with the battle plan as he breaks a mirror, and takes a shard as a makeshift knife, a shiv if you will, and shields his gay lover Red with his burly, sweaty body.
“This is so bloody stupid! Why?!” Dan yelled as took his position while he shakes furiously; whether the shaking was from fear or the coffee no one could tell. No one could ever tell.
Twilight, being the unofficial Commissar of the group, performs a Jotaro pose as she points towards the exit of the bathroom, instinctively sparking the Warhammer 40K nerds to fall in line. “Onwards to victory! Glory to the first man to die- I mean to victory, yeah!” At this, all the santas had ran towards the exit as some of them were bumping into each other, pushing one another, punching and kicking to make way, swearing and shit as they all try to get out of bathroom at once.
“Last Jew standing gets the shekels!” Avi joyously decreeded as he and Anon went to face the end.
Iron is the first to take a step out into the battlefield, and throws LPC’s head at Adagio, a few flakes of dyed hair and muscle flying off. “This is for Pat!” he goes to yell, but he stops himself, shocked to see that the Ultimate Being now has her fellow Pillar Man rip off; Aria, with her now.
“Oh fuckin’ damnit!” Mel and Pipebom cried simultaneously as they realized how screwed they were. Dropbear is quick to join them. “Good, more enemies to kill!“ The Australian yells as he shoots blanks out of his machine gun at the two Dazzlings, and is immediately killed by Adagio as she strikes a new pose directed at him. Like Tux, be turns into a large, bloody pile but does not transcend to a higher state of being.
“I vote we switch sides or run for the hills like the babbies we are!” Declares Alex as he craps himself on the spot, and instantly loses his morale as he spots Sunset and the other colorful girls running further down the hall, away from the battle.
“NO! FOR THE EMPERAH DAMMIT!” Grey Knight cries as he charges the two Sirens, but was bitched slapped by Adagio, flies and crashes into a wall of lockers.
“M-My love, are you alright?” Red asks as he cradles his taller, bulker boyfriend.
“I’m more than alright babe…” Grey replied as he placed a hand on Red's cheek.
“Run for your lives!” Volk screams as he runs away, but is struck down by the irritated Aria as she simply threw a locker door at the back of his head; killing him instantly. He will not be missed.
“Well, we’re boned.” Paddle states as he slowly retreats back into the bathroom, leaving all of his ‘friends’ behind as he cowers with The Boss who is currently fucking Pat’s mouth, which is still warm. He then proceeds to whip out his phone, and watches Octavia porn.
“MEH LEGS!” Mel, the duck fucker, cried as he cradles his legs.
“Welcome to the club shithead!” Pip yelled angrily, LPC’s face leading him to victory as he hopped onward to war using his other leg as a baton and improvised cane.
“My Jew Jitsu is doing nothing!” Anon said, scared for once in his life as Adagio grabbed his left leg and bent it backwards at an unnatural angle.
Then out of nowhere a man bursted from the ceiling, a cloud of dust and dry semen filled the air, obscuring the man. Red was the closest to the man, squinting his shit eyes he could make out a man who looks to be wearing what looks to be a Stahlhelm helmet, used by the Germans during world war 2! “Who is this mysterious figure!?” Said the redshirt as he stumbled to his feet, and looked at awe as the man slowly stood tall, as he did so he could swear he heard the man was emitting what sounds to be German propaganda.
“Anyone else hear some cool, bomb ass German music?” Mel asked everyone assembled, though they mostly ignored him.
Der Mensch ist böse
Der Mensch muss besser und böser werden
So lehre ich
Auch den Guten steht ein Edler im Weg~
“ADAGIO!” The man yelled out, as he gave out a sick pose directly at the monster of a woman. “I’m going to be your last opponent!”
“What the hell is going on now? Aren’t there already too many OP things in this room?” Dan the gruel destroyer questioned as he devoured his empty cup of coffee.
“Mah fuckin’ legs mang...Mah legs…” Anon muttered, bloody oozing from his stump leg; the blood loss made him hallucinate and for a moment he believed he wasn’t a faggot.
The orange haired shehulk sharply glared at the new comer, ignoring the idiocy of the others around her. “Hmph, no man is a match for me!” She says as she took a step back just before the man who was blotted out by dust could land a kick on her.
“Oh really?” The man wearing the German helmet said amusement, then he yelled out. “Ffffffffool!” He stood at attention and giving out a Nazi salute. As the dust began to settle everyone could see faint outlines of a manic grin plastered on his face. “HaM science is the best in the world! I was rebuilt to surpass you, and Kars- I mean Adagio.”
“This feels contrived as all fuck... Who even is that?” Avi asked, breaking character by swearing.
The man continued to speak as he calmly took off his helmet, holding it out in his right hand. “I have calculated that shredding your body may be enough to stop you!” He then effortlessly crushed the helmet in his hand. “I’ll tear you to pieces like I would pluck a chicken! OI RED!” He then spun around and whipped the broken helmet at the star trek nurd, whilst still keeping up posing like badass.
“Ow!” Said nurd was unprepared as he was hit by broken steel.
“My Husbando!...I mean, get up!” Grey ordered as he stopped himself from showing weakness to the others.
“T-this doesn't fit into any of my metafics!” Warking shouted out is surprise as he frantically checked his lifelines for any reasons or sense.
“Don’t pity me for my new body!” The mysterious man then pulled out a lengthy ammo belt out of the back his German trench coat. “My body is the peak, the pride of Aryan- I mean HaM’s science!” He then began to do an epic spin as he placed the end of the ammo belt under the coat of his torso, said ammo belt whipping all around him. “A true ubermensch!” He then froze as he posed; pointing his chest towards Adagio, placing both hands behind his head, and widening the width between his legs with his knees bent slightly.
“I’m not even gonna fucking comment son…” Chrome said as he shook his head at the ludicrous display of WW2 era cybernetics.
Suddenly, a golden barrel popped out of his chest, ripping his clothing. “This heavy machine gun can fire 600 rounds per minute through a 30mm armor plate! Each bullet will tear off a piece of you body!” The mysterious Nazi yelled out psychotically, just then a ridiculous looking scope popped out of the gun up to his face. “Feel the wrath of the Fatherland!” Just then a shit ton of bullets started to shoot out of the golden torso cannon towards Adagio, who then proceeded to pose which somehow deflected the bullets away from her, and back towards some of the members of HaM. "Take this, KARS!"
Everyone can now see that the Nazi, was actually Tux! Their fallen comrade!
“Jesus Fuck!” Danny boi cursed loudly as he jumped out of the way of a few large, rapid bullets that almost tore straight through his arms.
“Come at me!” Grey ordered as he used his massive armour and moved to protect his geeky boy toi, but suddenly the man then fell over dead from getting shot through the chest.
“WHY, HOW DO YOU HAVE A MACHINE GUN IN YOUR TORSO!?” Red yelled out, finally getting a visual on the man’s face as the blast wave from the chest cannon blew remaining dust clouds away from the machine man. Red was frothing at the mouth at the sight of something he doesn’t understand, like how did Tux come back from death.
“I don’t wanna die!” Red pleaded as he cowered in fear, praying to Picard, but then his head explodes as a bullet shot through it.
“H-heh...W-well I’ll b...Be damned...You...You fucking putz managed to outlive me?...Tell the Nazis in wherever they are I said hi…” Anon joked as he coughed up a large, sticky pool of blood. Despite his athletic form the broken legs, bullets and blood loss were too much…
“No! Not you my friend!” Avi wailed in despair as he held onto the bloodied form of his friend and glared at the nazi. “Tux, your kind took my father, my mother, my second daughter twice removed, my house, my respect and admiration for German food and now my lov-friend?!” He yelled, unleashing the inner Jewish beast. “I’ll fuckin’ kill you!” He screamed as he grabbed a hold of a loose brick that had fallen from the ceiling and charged at the mechanical man. Almost reluctantly with a hint of regret, Tux turned around with a twirl and did another sick pose, he then opened fire on his old friend. The Nazi reborn shed a manly GERMAN tear as he watched Avi fall to the ground next to Anon.
“You were a good man...Shame you were a Jew.” He said simply as he turned back to the real enemy.
“So not only did you die, but you came back as a Nazi and killed our two Jewish… Friends? Allies? Bankers? Scapegoats? Bulletsponges?...Our two disposable shields? That’s low…” Mel said as he crossed his arms and scanned the ubermensch.
“Now is not the time to be angry at me… it’s time to be very afraid.” He said darkly with a smile as he sized up Adagio and reloaded, ignoring the multiple friends he’s injured and killed. He then fired the gun once more, but it then jammed up. Tux lost his confidence as he scrambled to get the shitty surplus bullets out of the chamber. He should’ve switched to his Military Grade Rounds rather than use 70 year old ammunition.
Adagio smirked at this,
it was all over for the pig sows.
“I am SO out of-” But before Dan could finish his sentence, Adagio narrowed her eyes and bared down on him. A series of punches, kicks, poses and theme songs assaulted him from every angle. In the end he was nothing more than a broken, discarded husk bleeding black coffee.
“You’ll pay for that Fotze!” Tux warned, mad that one of the few people he could tolerant was dead. Now with his shinny, expensive bullets loaded he took aim once more and fired. A few shots nicked her but due to her overwhelming speed and virosity he mostly damaged the building, bystanders and his own allies.
“Gah fuck my kidney!” Pipebom yelled in pain and anger as he keeled over from the sheer pain. Remarkably a bullet bounced off a large piece of rubber, a brick, Adagio’s fat ass, LPC’s head and hit home in a light fixture causing the massive light to disconnect from the ceiling and crash onto Pipbom, killing him and the memories of Loose instantly.
“Hah, is that all you’ve got?!” Adagio taunted as Tux smouldered intensely with pure malice as he began reloading his chest gun.
“You... You think you can beat me?! I was created to destroy you! I am the harbinger of your destruction! I am a machine GOD! I am…” Mid rant, Tux stopped talking, went dead eyed, shut his eyes, hunched over and made a faint whirring noise as his gears and muscles stopped moving. He was hastily built by the Nazis and they’d forgotten to make him power efficient, he’d run outta juice mid reload and now he was clinically brain dead and no more threatening than PipeBom. Shrugging, Adagio turned away from the toppled over pile of scrap and tried to find where the girls had run off to.
“Should we, I don’t know, do something?” Big buff Rarity ponders as she looked back at the carnage, the rest of the girls heard her, but continued to slink away - leaving the man children behind to their doom.
“No…Let them fight…” Twilight sagely advised, ignoring the rapidly failing offensive. Although it goes against everything they believed, the rest of the girls couldn’t find it within themselves to save a bunch of mutants from certain doom.
“I’m glad those disgusting Santa freaks for getting what they deserve…” Bacon hair stated as she kicked Kelly away from her feet, he flew back towards the bathroom entrance. She watched Aria drag him into the Male bathroom kicking and screaming with an evil grin on her face.
They continued to run in silence, and quickly came across a battle between Sonata and Other Twilight, and it looks as though they’re in a stalemate with Sonata being exhausted from using most of her magic for her SUPERIOR poses, and Other Twilight not quite in shape to keep up with a she hulk. Knowing that they had no time to lose as the santas could only stall the other two Dazzlings, they all simultaneously attacked Sonata. Outnumbered, the lone dazzling was quick to succumb to the overwhelming might that is friendship.
With no time to get a reprieve, suddenly a body flew over to the girls, surprisingly the santa dude is still alive as he bleeds out on the floor.
“Master Librarian, I have failed you... and Christmas…” Warking murmured out as he tried to stop the blood from flowing out of his left stump with the papers from HaM's metafics. None of the girls made a move to help the mutant, and instead prepared themselves for the coming battle.
“Honestly, these sub-humans may be kind of fun to kill but you could have at least tried.” Aria criticized as she crushed Handy’s head between her powerful thighs.
“Hey, it’s not our fault these basement dwelling monsters had a death wish!” AppleJack countered, kicking Waking’s hand away from her, not wishing to contract autism from the HaM mutant.
“Kind of heartless to just leave a bunch of babbies to just die, wouldn’t you agree?” Adagio questioned with a comically large smirk as she wiped Kabar's blood off her weird 80’s clothes.
“They were working for the monster in disguised that is worshiped by all in this world; Santa, nothing was lost.” Sunset replies as she strikes a defensive pose, but is prepared to strike an attack pose at any moment.
“Not that it matters anymore I suppose, they are super dead now.” Sonata slurs out as she tries to stop the blood flowing from the open wound on her forehead. Other Twilight then proceeds to strike her with a hamon attack, knocking Sonata out.
“HEY! That was my favorite punching bag you just K.O’ed!” Aria screamed out in anger. Suddenly and without warning, launches herself at the nearest individual to her that is not her leader: Fluttershy, and roundhouse kicks her. Fluttershy was too slow to defend herself, and is sent flying. A few flecks of blood spraying all about in the air as she flew.
Immediately, AJ and RD dash forward in tandem. They strike a powerful pose that dazzles the Dazzlings before they step back, and propel themselves forward and let loose a volley of punches. Aria may have been fast, but she couldn’t block the blindingly fast athlete’s and brawny farmer’s blows at the same time, and was soon losing all her strength to the duo’s blows.
“We got her no-” Rainbow’s bragging was cut short however as Adagio crept up on them, turned Dash around and elbowed her in the throat before kneeing her in the stomach and pushing her away from the fight. As AJ turned around to fight the Ultimate Being, Aria regained her composure and grabbed Jack’s arms; this allowed Adagio to start whaling on her, her merciless strikes quickly damaging her face, chest and stomach.
Just as both Dazzlings finished off with AJ, they made a move to strike Rarity, but before they could Pony-Human Twilight shouted “ENOUGH!”, her voice drowning out the sounds of battle as she seemed to radiate a manly sense of power, her aura would’ve made the HaM Santas super jealous and sad if they were around and alive. Despite only standing still and glaring at the two Sirens, everyone who remained conscious and most importantly; alive, knew something devastating was about to happen.
The two sirens, after looking away from the glaring princess turned muscleman, smirked at each other and ran straight towards Twilight, intending to finish the fight before it began. The two much rather use physical attacks, this was the beginning of their downfall.
Just as Sunset and the remaining girls were about to stand in the way, they saw something amazingly bizarre: Twilight’s shadow began moving! Before the two Siren’s fists could meet Twilight’s muscular face, a large, furry purple hoof came out of nowhere and blocked their attacks, before two more knocked both of them back.
Twilight was caught off guard that she felt the effects of blocking the siren’s attacks, apparently she can feel whatever her stand interacting with. Her fear is that she could also feel her stand’s pain. She has to work quick or her advantageous standing may be turned against her, as she’s not very adept with her powers, which she appropriately named it as a Stand.
She presses forward.
“Through the power of love, friendship and harmony I WILL BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU!” Twilight declares as her friends cheer and the now conscious, but badly injured Principles cry proud tears. Both of them have heard of the fabled Stands, but never have they known that one of their ‘students’ would discover it in their time of need. From her shadow sprang the her as a normal, six feet tall purple alicorn in full regalia.
Now, with her form fully revealed once more she mentally commanded her Stand to charge horn first into battle on wings of fury.
As the two Sirens staggered up unto their feet they were once more caught off guard. They were unable to prepare themselves a defense from a fuzzy pair of hooves to strike their faces and stomachs causing them to once again keel over in pain. Refusing to let up on her brutal barrage, Twilight’s Stand continued to lash out with her fore hooves, kicking Adagio all the way down the lengthy hallway into a wall of lockers, leaving a massive indent in the wall.
Surprised, Aria turned back to look at her fallen co-conspirator, Twilight’s Stand picked her up with her front hooves, flapped as high as she could in the hallway and slammed down into the tiled hallway HARD, crushing Aria under the sheer weight of the pony princess Stand.
As Aria tried to raise herself from the ground, Twilight’s Stand bucked her head back into the ground with a loud, ringing WHACK. After dealing with the purple menace, Twilight glared heroically at Adagio.
Her Stand galloped queerly down the hallway as Adagio climbed out of the small indent in the lockers that sharply resembles her, self preservation kicked in, and tried to run away from the all powerful Stand. Instead, it descended upon the little, orange haired bitch and grabbed her. Almost like an incantation performed by Chaos loving Iowans, it began to exclaim “ORAORAORAORAORA” repeatedly as it grabbed Adagio’s fuzzy head in one hoof and mercilessly smashed her face in with the other hoof, shattered her nose, cheeks, jaw and teeth quickly.
Basically, her whole face is a mess.
After a few minutes Twilight ended the vicious beating suddenly. But, as Adagio began to fade into unconsciousness or death, Twilight’s stand picked her up over her horned head and slammed her back onto her left fore hoof, shattering her upper spine with the entirety of her neck, and instantly causing her to finally die.
Dropping the now limp body of Adagio, Twilight’s Stand calmly approached Twilight and faded away; with her equally muscular and beautiful shadow back Twilight turned back and basked in the respect and admiration being given by the small gang of side characters who are currently slowly losing their manly bodies as the magic within them began to fade.
“Wow Twilight, you really proved once again that Friendship always overcome evil!” Sunset declared as she approached Twilight for a manly hug with what remained of her muscles.
“And isn’t that what Christmas is really about Sunset Shimmer?” Twilight replies as the unrealistically muscular woman hugged the less muscular, but still powerful, woman.
“Looks like you once again saved our school Twilight, how can my sister and I ever thank you?” The Deputy Principal asked as she slowly walked over, looking in awe at the towering hunks of a pony turned women.
“Stop worshiping Santa Claus.” Twilight demanded as she pointed a muscled finger at the older woman.
“I’ll try Twilight, I really will.” Luna lied through her teeth just as Twilight heroically turned away from the two sisters, and the main six.
“So, what’s next?” Sunset asked as she followed the still bulky princess down the hallway, one that was a battlefield minutes earlier.
Before Twilight replied she stepped over a little mountain of bodies that belonged to the vile mutants. “There’s still a great evil out there Sunset, I can feel it, and I will find…” Twilight vowed, knowing her adventure wasn’t yet over.
“Santa?” Sunset inquired, a sinister glint in her eye.
“Possibly, I feel something pulling onto me from the North-” Twilight’s sentence was interrupted as Sunset kicked behind her knee, caught by surprise the lavender girl was easily knocked down to the floor.
“Sunset, why?” She asked in anguish as Sunset stood tall above her, glaring with a psychotic grin slowly appearing on her lips.
“Ha, you thought you were my best friend, but no! It was he; Dio!” The traitorous asshole declared with a triumphant smirk as she ran away like the prick she truly was.
“SSSSUUUUNSSSSEEEET!” Twilight screamed in righteous anger into the heavens above.
Unbeknownst to the world, far away over at the North Pole stood a man covered in red and white garb. He is known by most, the well loved man stood under the starry sky, looking over at the mirror within the ocean of darkness. Like him the moon was an enigma that was lost and alone in the night, but he was damned by corporate stigma, though both were blazing with pure light.
The portly man could stand there and think of poetry all night about his ruined tradition if he could, but not tonight. No more will he stand alone in the winter cold. For tonight he has gathered the magic of love from children all over the Earth, and he has been absorbing this love these past couple centuries. With what he has absorbed he literally became a super power made flesh. The red dressed man was practically a god, rivaled by no other in today and history.
At first he didn’t knew what was this feeling of power and drive he had never known, but he felt alive! He wondered where does this feeling of power derive, that made him know why he’s alive? Like vampire lurking in the middle of the night; it was a secret, menacing, dark and unknown. The man did not know what he seek, yet he has seek'd it alone! The thirst he had thirst couldn’t be deprived no matter what he tried. At the time he never have felt so full of life!
Now there was no encounter he couldn't possibly survive!
Feeling like this!
Feeling alive!
He knew that this is the feeling of being alive. It was embarrassing and shameful that it was filled with evil, but it's the truth that cannot be denied! This was the feeling of being him; Kris Dio Kringle, but a more his more widely known and borderline worshiped name is Saint Nicholas. Recently he felt that both were names that should be spoken with a great deal more reverence! And now that will be a reality. He will conquer earth and reshape it into his image, for the greater good that is.
“Now none shall lay a hand on me, not in Frozen Time…” Kris spoke, just as his protective divinity materialize right behind him, looking over his shoulder. He then tossed off his great coat revealing his immaculate built body hidden from the world; he fancies himself as the Ultimate Being. The proud man took a step forward before posing MENACINGLY! “Now, Seal, prepare yourself! ZA WARUDO!”
The world then stopped, frozen in time.
"Toki wo tomare."
Thus ends Part One of HaM ruins Christmas.
Pat's Holiday Special Part Two: Fabulous Crusaders coming next Christmas Holiday.
“That was... insanely intense…” Redshirt said simply, a dead look in his eyes as they walked outside of the ruined school. He was covered in blood, wounded and almost all of his friends were dead… thanks to the power that is science, he had somehow survived the night's ordeal.
“Shame the survivors in the bathroom were... well, mutilated.” Grey Knight continued as he remembered the sight of the few cowards who escaped the fight that had been brutalized by the witches. Like Red he too survived the night, unlike the nurd he thanks the Emperor for this divine intervention much to Red's annoyance. Shaking the horrific memories of his recently deceased waifu, Red gave a look at the armored man who gave him comfort when Pat failed to deliver. The Star Trek lover was a small, pacifistic sciency man and Grey was a massive, muscular zealot with the fury of the Emperor flowing through his veins...
And he was everything Red wanted and more.
“Come on, we can go back to my place and I can patch you up.” Red offered with a smile as Grey smiled fondly at him ,and carried him bridal style off into the sunset while ignoring the stares from the diseased peasants bordering the pothole littered road. Grey was soon gonna lay waste to Red’s Neutral Zone with his Power Sword.
