Chapters An Archaeologist In Equestria
Prologue: "So, where were you?"
I had just gotten back from Equestria, exhausted, sweaty, and already missing my new friends. I took off my adventurer's ensemble, what I normally wear on a job for my college's museum. Ah. I see it is that time now. Allow me then, to introduce myself. My name is Chase Vander Dussen, archaeology major and adventurer.
"So, where were you?" my dad asks me, curiously.
"Ah." I say, waving a hand down. "You wouldn't believe me if I told you."
"Try me." my dad says, challenging me to put my storytelling skills to the test.
"Like I said. You'd never believe me if I told you." I told him again, this time taking my gloves and jacket off.
"Actually," my mom says, cutting in. "I'd like to hear about your adventures too."
Inwardly I groaned, but I decided to indulge my parents, and recount to them, my time in Equestria. I made my decision and said:
"Very well. I will recount my time in a new world. One far from here. On one condition."
"Name it."
"I'll recount my story to you, on the condition that I not be interrupted throughout my story." I told them.
They both nodded in a collective approval. "Sounds reasonable enough."
I nodded, and grabbed a glass of water, something I normally never do.
"It all started when..."
Nepal, September 30, 2018 10:04:30 PM
I was climbing through Mount Everest, which I had trained for months upon months for. I brandished an oxygen mask and a tank upon my back, as well as a pair of goggles upon my face. I trekked my way alone through the harsh and unforgiving snowstorm.
"Why were you in Nepal, and what does this have to do with you disappearing?" Dad asks, holding a letter with the Royal seal.
"Hold your horses. I'm getting to that!" I said, recounting my adventure.
"H-holy sh-sh-shit. It's f-f-freezing!" I say, shielding my goggles from the snowstorm.
"I've found it! The lost entrance to the Gateway!" I say excitedly, making my way out of the storm.
I explored the vast caverns for hours upon hours. At first I found nothing, when suddenly, I laid my eyes upon the most beautiful artifact I had ever seen. It was the shape of a ghostly white alicorn, with a golden horn and sapphire eyes. I just had to take it back with me! I opened up my satchel and got out some packaging supplies and wrapped up the ghostly idol, placing in my satchel.
I was about to walk away when the whole place started shaking, and boy I ran so fast! The whole place threatened my safety. Thankfully I'm still alive, otherwise, I certainly wouldn't be here. I slid down a steep ramp, presumably to my death, but a white light suddenly enveloped me, and I was gone!
Author's Note
The adventure begins...
An Archaeologist In Equestria
"Argh, my freaking head!" I groaned.
I noticed the first thing I encountered was a strange forest, and if my knowledge served me correctly, this was the Everfree Forest. And I was falling, fast, my scarf, goggles, and oxygen tank flew off of me fast! I'll have to go back for them when, no, if I got out of here. Wherever HERE is.
Without thinking, I yanked my whip off of my belt and flung it. I stopped my fall, the whip wrapping itself around the branch. Unfortunately, that didn't stop my whip from tangling my foot in the branches of the odd forest. I had another question on my mind. "Where the hell am I?"
"Argh, not again! This is the fifth FUCKING TIME THIS WEEK!" I exclaimed as I dangled upside down from a very tall tree. The tree had a black trunk and what I swore were purple leaves on the branches, one of which I had the unfortunate pleasure of being stuck in.
"Wonder where that sound came from." This was Twilight Sparkle, the alicorn who first helped me. My first friend.
She trotted towards my general direction, but she couldn't find me. And that gave me an idea, which set my friendship with her in motion. I took out my spotting scope and located her. Then I took out a big mirror, and I refracted the sun's light off of it.
Twilight turned towards my direction.
I flashed a message to her. Please. I thought. Let this work.
"What's going on? Is somepony stuck in a tree?" Twilight mused to herself. She spotted the light blinking.
If you can see this, please help me. I landed in a tree and I can't get down. If I fall, I'll crack my skull open. Please help me!
"I've gotta help them." She spread her wings and flew off towards my direction.
"Okay, good." I said to myself. "It looks like she got my message. Now all that's left is to wait for her arrival."
I decided that, to pass the time, I would check my messages, play games. I quickly texted both of my parents to let them know I'm okay.
I decided to check Google Maps to see where I was.
But then:
"WHAT?!?! NO SIGNAL?!?!" I tried contacting my parents earlier, but, as I learned the hard way, there were no cell towers, despite ponies having discovered electricity recently in their time.
Finally she came. Allow me to describe her. She was lavender colored, kind of like our former guest room at my house. She had a dark purple mane with a lightish pink streak going down it, matching lavender wings, dark purple eyes, and a symbol of a six-pointed star.
We stared awkwardly at each other, both of us as equally strange to the other.
"Um. Hi there." I started.
"AHH! YOU TALK!" she screamed in surprise. On the plus side, she speaks the equivalent of my language. On the minus side, she freaked out, but that's okay. I literally had the same reaction as her.
"Uh... yeah. I do. HOLY SWEET T-REX BALLS, YOU CAN TALK TOO!" I cried out in surprise, nudging myself back from my surprise.
After we stopped screaming, I broke the tension by saying: "I apologize for startling you. I didn't mean to be rude."
"Nonono, it's my fault, I shouldn't have screamed at you like that." Twilight said hurriedly.
"It's fine. I guess we got off on the wrong hand, err, hoof in your case." I said.
"I'm Chase Vander Dussen, archaeology major and adventurer." I introduce myself, extending a gloved hand out to her. She stared at my hand curiously, like she'd never seen a human before. And that, was because I was the first one to come here in lord knows how long. Nonetheless, she extended her hoof out and I shook it.
"I'm Princess Twilight Sparkle, but please call me Twilight."
"What are you?" Twilight asked me. "My books don't have anything like you in there. Are you related to minotaurs by any chance?"
"No, actually. I'm a human, or homo sapien if you wanna get scientific with me, which, I'd prefer it if you didn't."
"Right." Twilight blushed. "Sorry."
"It's okay." I say, assuring her, which I doubt helped.
"Where am I?" I asked.
"Equestria." Twilight replied bluntly.
"Good to know. Now, can you please help me down? My whip is lashed to my leg and this branch. If I move it, I'm going to fall and crack my skull open." I explained, as I freed my whip, and she caught me in her magic.
I coiled up my whip and clipped it back onto the left side of my belt.
"Here. Ride on my back." Twilight says, placing me near her neck area, kinda like how you would ride an elephant back in ancient times. "And hold on."
"Alright. Just don't do the Buckin' Bronco with me." I said jokingly.
"The what now?" Twilight asks, raising an eyebrow at me.
"I'll tell you later." I explain briefly.
As we flew off into the distance towards another town that I would later know as Ponyville, I broke the silence once more.
"Y'know something?"
"Hmm?"
"I think this is the start of a beautiful friendship."
"Agreed. Although, I would like to know more about you, the world you came from, and, more importantly, about your species." Twilight said, excitedly.
I groaned, this time, out loud, to which Twilight giggled at. "Oh, Chase, it won't be that bad. It's not like I'm gonna interrogate you or anything! Oh, I should introduce you to my friends! They'll love you! I mean, sure they'll be afraid of you at first, but once they get to know you..."
As she rambled on and on (seriously, she was so caught up in the moment), I was lost in thought. What other similarities and differences do our worlds have with each other? Does nature work differently? What about the weather? Or the sun and moon, does her kind control them? No, don't be dumb, that's insane, and that's completely absurd. There's no way in hell that that's possible. How the hell did I get here? How DID I get here anyways? How the hell is this even happening at all????
Author's Note
It is HIGHLY recommended that you read the prologue first, before anything ELSE!
On a side note though, I hope you enjoyed the story so far!
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An Archaeologist In Equestria
Chapter 3: Fluttershy, Introductions Part II
So, Twilight and I arrived at Fluttershy's house.
"Let's see if she's home." Twilight said, knocking on her door. Nobody answered.
"Fluttershy!" Twilight called out. "You home?"
I looked around Fluttershy's house. It was indeed a nice place. I even saw a couple of bird houses around the property. I decided to speak up.
"Am I correct in assuming your friend is some kind of animal whisperer?" I asked.
"Uh. Yes. That's correct. She's really sweet, caring and she's also..."
"Shy?" I asked, with my arms folded.
"Yes."
"I see." I replied.
"Hey, you wouldn't happen to have a random, spherical object on you, would ya?" I asked.
"No, I don't. Why do you ask?" twilight asked me.
"It gives my hands something to do." I say. "Y'know, other than nothing."
Twilight was about to knock again when someone answered the door. You guessed it. It was Fluttershy. God bless her meek nature. She was too cute for words.
"Oh. Hello, Twilight and--- EEP!!!! MONSTER!" she squeaked, despite me being able to hear her.
I hung my head low. "Not this shit again." I muttered under my breath.
Suddenly, Twilight's words of wisdom rang through my subconscious thoughts. They'll love you! I mean, sure they'll be afraid of you at first, but once they get to know you you'll get along just fine!
It was right there and then, I realized, I wasn't alone. I realized something. I realized, as long as I have my friends in this world... I was never really alone!
"Fluttershy, he's not a monster..." Twilight started to say, but I cut her off.
"Allow me. Hey, Fluttershy was it?" I asked. The butter colored Pegasus nodded.
"It's alright, I'm not gonna hurt you. My name's Chase. I'm an Archaeology major and adventurer."
"N-Nice t-to meet you." she stammered out.
"Listen. We uh, need your help with something." I said, which seemed to catch the butter colored pony's attention.
"What is it?"
"Making friends."
"Well that's easy." Fluttershy explained to me. "Can't you make friends?"
"See, that's the problem." I explained to Fluttershy. "I tried, but when I did, literally everyone just ran off like I was a monster with four heads or something."
"Well that's not nice." Fluttershy said to me.
"You don't have to tell me twice." I commented.
"Hmm." Twilight pondered.
"Why don't we gather up the rest of my friends, that way, we can get the ponies here in Ponyville..." I couldn't help myself but snicker at the name of the town. "to warm up to you?"
Snapping out of my thoughts, I replied, "Now that sounds like a great idea."
"We'll start with Rainbow Dash." Twilight said.
"Great, I guess that takes care of..."
"Hopefully she won't attack you or jump to conclusions." Twilight said.
"That doesn't sound very reassuring." I said, voicing my concerns, but Twilight either didn't hear me or wouldn't listen. I didn't know which one it was, nor did I really care.
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An Archaeologist In Equestria
Chapter 4: Rainbow Dash and Conclusions, Introductions Part III
"So, what exactly does your friend do around here?" I asked.
"Rainbow? She's part of the weather team in charge of the weather here." Twilight answered.
"You guys make the weather here?" I asked.
"Uh huh. Do humans not have magic where you're from?" Twilight asked me.
I nod. "No, sadly. The weather works by itself. And before you ask, no, we don't have wings. But we do have airplanes!"
Interesting. Twilight thought. I wonder if the same thing applies to the sun and moon in his world? I'll have to ask him later.
"Oh, here's Rainbow Dash right now." Twilight said.
Then, a cyan blur flew towards me at supersonic speeds.
"Oh for [REDACTED]s sake."
"What happened after that?" Dad asked me.
"She tackled me, like, football quarterback tackled me." I say, making a pounding gesture with my hands. "THAT kind of tackle."
"TWILIGHT, GET OUTTA HERE! MONSTER! I'LL HANDLE HIM! LEMME AT HIM!" Rainbow Dash yelled out, tackling me hard.
She somehow picked me up, despite having no fingers whatsoever and looking like she was about to slam my body down like it was the WWE.
"Why'd you punch her?" Dad asked.
"Don't you think that was unnecessary?" Mom inquired.
"Well, not at the time, but I needed to send her a message: If ANYONE has the balls to attack me... I can guarantee one of two things to them. One, a broken nose. Two, I WILL retaliate. I still kinda feel bad about doing that to Rainbow, though. I'll have to apologize again when I see her."
She dropped me and was about to charge me. I pulled out my whip to fend her off.
I took out my whip and cracked it several times.
"YAH!!! BROWN SNAKE!" Rainbow said, before swallowing her fear to charge me a second time.
Before she could charge, and possibly kill me, Rainbow was then enveloped inside of a magenta telekinetic aura.
"RAINBOW DASH! HE'S NOT A MONSTER, HE'S OUR FRIEND!"
"He attacked me!" she screamed out.
"Because he felt threatened!" Twilight countered.
"WHY ARE YOU DEFENDING HIM?!?!?!?!" Rainbow Dash screamed.
"He needs friends, the rest of Ponyville ran off when they saw him!"
"I don't blame them! I've never seen anything like him..." Rainbow Dash started ranting.
As they argued back and forth, millions upon millions of scenarios ran through my mind, one of which involved being arrested by their equivalent of the U.S. Army. As they argued, it felt like two girls vying for my affection (which hasn't happened to me yet), I couldn't take it anymore. As I watched them argue, and I've never broken up an argument mind you, what they were doing made me wonder who the real adult was. I had to do something. I contemplated using my whip again, but then I decided against it.
"Alright. That's it." I say, grabbing Rainbow by her fur and dragging her to me.
"I CAN'T TAKE YOUR ARGUING ANYMORE! I AM SICK AND TIRED OF BEING TREATED LIKE A WILD ANIMAL, WHICH I'M NOT BY THE WAY! CAPICHE?! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?!"
"Yes sir." Rainbow hilariously squeaked out.
I cough a few times and clear my throat. "I think I swallowed a fly!"
"Rainbow," Twilight said. "Chase here needs help with making friends with the rest of the town. They all ran off and shut themselves inside their homes. YOU wouldn't want to be ignored or left alone would you?"
"Well, now that you mention it... that would suck if I were him." Rainbow says. "Yeah, sure I'll help. Not like I have anything better to do anyways."
I sigh and rub my temples with my gloved hands. "I'm surrounded by xenophobes."
Author's Note
And another chapter for you!
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An Archaeologist In Equestria
Chapter 5: Meet My Other Friends, Introductions Part IV
So Twilight, Rainbow, Fluttershy and I tried to round up the town, but to no avail. The towns(ponies?) refused to come out from their homes. I was starting to give up.
"Well, this wasn't disappointing or anything." I say sarcastically.
"Oh Chase, you can't give up now." Twilight said, now noticing me sitting down on the ground. "Why are you sitting there resting when you're so close to the end!"
I plopped down on the ground, exhausted. I was sweating, dehydrated, and tired. I started to give up when suddenly, my hat blew in front of me . Huh, musta fell off when I landed in that tree. I picked up my hat and put it back onto my head and continued on my way.
I was having problems getting up. "Chase, what's wrong?" Twilight asked, concerned for my health.
"You okay man?" Rainbow asks.
"Oh gosh!" Fluttershy says. "He could hurt himself if he overexerts himself!"
"Sweaty... tired..." I say in between breaths, struggling to keep my balance and plopping down on the ground. "...water. Need water."
"Why don't you take off the jacket and gloves?" Twilight asked me. I then do so and take off my jacket and gloves, handing them to Twilight, who in turn grabbed them with her magic. Gonna have to ask her about that later.
"What happened after that?" Dad asks me.
"Bottom line is: the nurse basically scolded me for wearing a jacket in 90 degree weather, and in my defense, I didn't know how their world works." I explained, continuing my story.
A quick visit to the hospital later, some water and some rest, I was ready to go out again. Twilight, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, and I walked out of the hospital, relieved that I didn't overexert myself.
"Who should we try next?" Twilight asks me.
"Hmm. Maybe Applejack?" I asked.
"Applejack?" Dad asks. "Like the cereal?"
I laugh out loud before saying. "Not exactly, but that's what I thought too!"
I started laughing out loud, more so to myself than to my newfound friends.
"What's so funny?" Rainbow asks me.
"Your friend got that name from the cereal. Applejacks!" I say laughing.
Twilight and Fluttershy just rolled their eyes at me. We continued along our merry way down the dirt road. We walked continuously down the road until I could see a red farm, like the ones back home.
"This is Sweet Apple Acres! My friend Applejack harvests the best apples you will ever have." Twilight explained.
"Well, lucky for your friend, I happen to like apples. Well, next to grapes that is." I explain.
"Heehaw!" I heard a Southern accented voice shout out. For some reason I thought of the Engineer from TF2 (association am I right? anyone? no? screw you). What? Years of playing that game will do that to you! Alright, I'm getting off track here.
Anyhowsers, Fluttershy, Rainbow, and I walked, or in Rainbow's case hovered over to where Applejack was working. She had, I was guessing at the time, a yellowish mane and a matching tail with braids, a brown Stetson, green eyes, a light orange (I think) fur coat and three apples on her flank. Whatever.
When she first saw me, she had no idea what to make of me, but Twilight snapped her friend out of her thoughts and explained my situation to her.
"Well shoot. Makin' friends is easy!" Applejack said cheerfully. "Ah don' see why it's hard fer you."
"I tried making friends with the towns...ponies? Yeah, townsponies and they all ran off and shut themselves inside as if I were some kind of wild animal." I explain to her.
Applejack gave me a look. The "I think you're calling bullshit and I don't believe you. You better not be lying to me." look. That is the face she made, which I have dubbed... The Face .
I shrank back and said, "Twi. Little help please? She's giving me that look and I'm a little concerned here."
"What look?"
"The "I think you're calling bullshit and I don't believe you. You better not be lying to me." look."
"His story checks out. He told me himself. The whole town shut their doors on him like he was some kind of monster and left him. All alone. If you still don't believe him, ask Rainbow."
"Tell me." Applejack says darkly, leaning dangerously close to my face. Do you bleed? I added in my head, when she actually said: "Do you like apples?"
"Well, you're lucky that I happen to like apples. Well, next to grapes that is." I explain.
Applejack hands me an apple and I eat the entire thing. "It's alright." I say.
"What's wrong pardner?" Applejack asks me.
"Nothing, nothing. I just like the apple without the skin. Oh, and I usually give the core to my dog, who is not here with me now." I explain.
Rainbow, Applejack, Twilight, and Fluttershy look at me like I grew an extra head. "What? Am I really that strange to you guys."
"Actually, no." Twilight says, defusing the atmosphere by a little. "I think that you're the most interesting pon-err, person? Yeah, person around. Nice hat by the way."
"No one else, besides my parents or my friends back home, has said that about me before. And thanks, I got it from Disneyland. Fun place."
"Anything else we should know about you?"
"I'm a bit of a picky eater but I've been working on it." I say.
"Right then, on to Rarity I guess. Assuming she doesn't wig out." Twilight said.
"I have no doubt of that." I say. "Also, I'd like my jacket and gloves back please."
"Right, Rainbow was carrying those." Twilight says as Rainbow Dash tosses them back to me.
"Thanks." I say, putting my gloves and jacket back on.
Now, Twilight, Applejack, Rainbow, Fluttershy, and I were now headed towards Rarity's place. It kind of looked like something I'd see in a Disney movie or maybe Europe. MAYBE.
"What did it look like?" Dad asked.
"I'll try my best to describe it." I say. "Now please, no more interruptions."
How best to describe her place. It's kind of like, well something out of a Disney movie, but it was different and not at all boring like those classic brick and mortar houses. Those houses in the town just didn't catch my attention, they were just so 'blah'. No. This one, on the other hand, actually stood out to me, like the topic sentence of an essay, it caught my attention!
Twilight knocks on the door about four or five times.
"Just a moment please." a feminine refined voice calls out.
"Rarity, it's us." Twilight says. "We've brought somepony to meet you."
"Alright darling, I'll be right down."
"Now um, how can I help toda---AHAHAHAHAHA!" the alabaster mare, who judging from the styled mane and refined tone, shrieks. "My heavens, I've never seen anything like you before! And what in Equestria are you wearing. Although the hat and facial scruff gives him an adventurer's look if he were to ditch the glasses. But the leather and boots, goodness just doesn't go with the outfit and the khaki is just screaming 'HELP ME'!"
"Nice to meet you too." I say sarcastically. "Now, if you're done insulting the ensemble that I normally wear on a job for my college's museum, we need your help with something."
"Whatever do you need my help with darling?" Rarity addresses me.
"Making friends." I say bluntly.
"Ooooh. Straight to the point, love it. Well, making friends is easy!" she says in a cheery voice, seriously, pony Mary Poppins everyone.
"For you maybe, but not for me. I tried befriending the townsponies, but they all ran off and shut their doors on me." I explain, straightening my snow covered hat out. Seriously, this world is bonkers.
"Well, that is just rude and uncivilized." Rarity says with a huff, hilariously sticking to her character.
"Today hasn't exactly been a warm welcoming for me." I say, scratching the back of my head.
"Well, you do need more friends. I'll see if I can assist my friends. And uh, you of course. Hehe."
"Nice place you have here." I say.
"Are you complimenting me or are you just saying that to change the subject, dear?" Rarity asks me inquisitively.
"No, no!" I say hurriedly, raising my gloved hands up in defense. "I really do mean it! Your shop-home caught my attention. Like the topic sentence of an essay! It caught my attention."
Twilight sighs and grabs me in her magic as I rambled on and on, with Rarity following behind us.
On the way to meet the last of Twilight's friends, I spotted an Earth pony, a pink one. The one I would eventually know as Pinkie Pie. Said mare turned around, saw me and gasped and bolted off at lightning speed.
"Not again." I sigh in defeat.
"Oh Chase, don't feel bad. That's just Pinkie being Pinkie." Fluttershy says.
"Twilight, can I ask you something." I am met with silence, but she allows me to ask my question.
"IS EVERYONE IN THIS DAMN TOWN A XENOPHOBE?!?!" I scream out.
"No. It's not xenophobia, it's just... oh, how to say this. There hasn't been a human here for decades." Twilight explains calmly. "Naturally, we haven't seen something like you in well... ever."
I let out a sound that sounded like a combination of a bored sigh and a yawn. "I see. I need a moment to... collect my thoughts." I say bluntly, walking behind my friends, putting my gloved left hand, my pointer finger just barely below my nose, in thought.
So, there have been humans here before? Who else knows about this? Maybe her mentor knows something? Further research is required, since 70% of all archaeology is done in the library. This is... unexpected. I've been sent here for some reason that I haven't figured out yet. Until I figure out how I got here and why I was dropped into Equestria, I'm going to keep my findings to myself. Something strange is definitely going on here. And I. Want. Answers.
Rainbow looks at me quizzically. "You okay man?"
"Hmm? Oh yeah, I'm fine. Just lost in thought is all." I lie, which I didn't technically. Mind you, at the time I was contemplating how my situation was even happening at all. There are obviously powers at play here that I cannot possibly comprehend. Powers that I don't even know existed, and I need to find out what was going on.
"Alright. If you say so."
"We're here." Twilight addresses me. "Sugarcube Corner."
Again, I resisted the urge to laugh. I couldn't take the horse puns anymore. "Okay. If that house is made of actual candy I am frickin done here." I muttered under my breath.
"Pinkie makes the best sweets you'll ever have." Twilight trailed on, then stopped as she opened the door.
"Where is everypony?"
"SURPRISE!" the pink mare from earlier jumps out at me.
"HOLY CRAP!" I say, falling backwards and then picking myself up.
"Didjalikethepartydija?Huhhuhuhuhuhuhuhuh!"
Pushing the pink mare off of me, I said, "Pinkie, if that's your name. There's nobody here."
"Didn't you invite anypony at all?" Rainbow Dash asked.
At that last part, Pinkie froze mid-step. This pony confuses me to no end. In fact, the minute I met her, I just stopped bothering trying to figure her out. Pinkie darted around back and forth across the room. She literally searched everywhere, and how she's able to get into tight spaces is beneath me.
Twilight and I looked out the back of the bakery and saw a scrambled cluster of hoofprints, almost like they left in a frenzied panic. "Pinkie, I'm pretty sure that they ditched you."
Pinkie gasped. “What?! They ditched me on the welcome party I set up for your new friend?? Oh, that’s rude, rude, and beyond rude! UBER RUDE! I know every single pony in this town, and they suddenly had to act like that?! That’s two, two, two times the rude!”
“Wait a second." I interrupted. “You threw this party for me?”
“Yuppity-yup-yup!”
“Then, why were you gasping and running away from me earlier?”
“Ohhhhh! Right! That! Well, when I first saw you earlier today, I thought to myself, ‘I know every single pony in this town, but I definitely haven’t seen you before, so that makes you new!'! Plus, I was so scared because I've never seen you before, so I ZOOM! went to find the others to warn them about you until I saw you with Twilight and the others, and then I noticed that they were not scared around you, and then I was like, "(GASP!) Omygawsh! If Twilight and the others were already friends with that new thingy, then that thingy is my friend, too!'! So, I went (GASP!) and I left so could throw you this super-duper welcome party! Then, you came through the door and I was like, 'SURPRIIIIISE!', and you were like, 'HURRRR?!', and then Twilight told me that everypony ditched me, and then I was like, '(GASP!) Why would they do that??', and then you were like, 'Wait, you threw this party for me?', and then I was like, 'Ohhhhhh! Right! Well, when I first saw--'."
"All right, Pinkie Pie, I think we get the idea." Twilight silenced the pink chattycathy. Seriously, she is a menace to my sanity, if I had any at all.
I don't know what confused me more: the fact that the party pony already decided to become friends with an unknown being like me or the fact that she said all of that under one breath. In fact, I STILL don't know what confused me more.
“Anywayyyyyyyy, I’m Pinkie Pie! What’s your name, creature-that-I-have-never-ever-ever-ever-seen-before-in-my-entire-Pinkie-life? Huh? Huh, huh, huh?” she asked, smiling big. No. That's not creepy or anything.
I couldn't help but felt a little intimidated by the pink pony, but at the same time, I was amused by her.
"Chase." I finally answered.
“Hiya, Chase! Hey! That sounds pretty funny when you say it over and over again! Chasechasechasechasechasechasechasechasechasechasechasechasechasechasechase…”
"DON'T!" Twilight and I shouted in synch. Seriously, I cannot stand someone who needlessly repeats themselves over an over again. It's like listening to a broken record.
"Okie dokie lokie!" Pinkie says, offering me a cupcake, which I gladly accepted.
"I'm grabbing another one."
“Sure! Eat all the cupcakes and sweets you want! It’s your party, after all!” Pinkie Pie smiled brightly.
My expression suddenly changed into that of confusion. “But... this is hardly even a party. There's only four of us.”
“A company of four is still a party!” the pink pony replied to my observation.
“Plus us,” Rainbow spoke, announcing the group's arrival. Everypony turned to Rarity, Fluttershy, Applejack, and Rainbow Dash entering the room.
“Hooray! You came!” Pinkie Pie cheered.
“We will never ever miss your parties for the world, darling!” Rarity replied.
“Neither will I!” Rainbow Dash added in.
“You kin’ always expect me to come on by!” Applejack smiled.
“Um…me, too!” Fluttershy grinned.
“Now that everypony is here. Well, that is, not everypony in Ponyville... LET'S PARTAYYYYYY!!” the party pony shouted, launching herself in the air like a hyper pink, paper rocket.
"Where ihf efhrypomny, Pihmkie?" Rainbow asked with a mouth filled to the brim with cupcakes. Seriously, how is this possible? Rainbow should be choking right now!
"They basically ditched us." Twilight explains to Rainbow, with an exasperated sigh. "Apparently they were supposed to help Pinkie surprise Chase over there, but alas, they were too scared to stick around for the welcome party."
Rainbow then swallowed the cupcakes in her mouth before speaking again. "Are you bucking serious!?! They ditched him even when they were invited to one of Pinkie's parties??? Pinkie's bucking parties???? Wow. THAT is a new low. Way to bucking go Ponyville..." She sighed in annoyance and turned her focus back to me and talking to me.
The party pony then joined in and started rambling, to which I responded by tuning her out. Then she said something about getting more cupcakes and bolted off again. Something was bothering Twilight ever since she first saw me: How did he get here?
"Chase. Do you know how you got here?" Twilight approached me, but not intrusive-like.
"Sorry, I don't. It kind of happened really fast. (snaps fingers) It's all a blur." I say, gulping down another cupcake.
"Yeah. How DID you get here anyways?" Rainbow asks me.
"I... hmm." I look down at the ground in thought, then back at Twilight and Rainbow Dash. "I'm not actually sure how I got here. One minute I was in Nepal freezing my ass off and then..." I snap my fingers for emphasis. "I'm here... wait. I KNOW HOW I GOT HERE!"
I pull out the statue of the ghostly white alicorn from my satchel and show it to the group.
"Yeeeeah, You're going to have to take a seat for this." I say as everypony gathered around me.
"So that statue thingy brought you here and stopped you from dying?" Rainbow asked me.
I nod in confirmation.
"And that's what landed you in the Everfree Forest?" Rarity asks me.
"Yeah. Pretty much."
Pinkie tried to make a pun out of my story only to get silence as a response.
"I think the statue might have brought me here. I'm not sure yet." I said, setting the statue back in my satchel.
KNOCK, KNOCK!
"Hiya Princess Celestia!" Pinkie greeted before being knocked out of the way by an extremely surprised and yet extremely confused Twilight.
"Princess Celestia!" Twilight says. "What're you doing here?"
Just then, a tall white alicorn with a flowing multicolored mane and matching tail gracefully stepped inside the establishment. Thankfully, she was already inside when the rain really started pouring. She was dressed with a shining crown, a glittering chestpiece with a purple crystal in it, and golden hoof covers.
"Well, I have a free hour, plus I decided to take a personal day off and come down to see how my favored student is doing. Surely you would have gotten a letter that alerted you to my arrival?" the alicorn grinned.
"Nnnnnooo?" Twilight said slowly, uber confused.
"I distinctly remember sending it through Spike. How did it not reach you?"
One cutaway later...
"That is a true mystery. I'm thrilled you showed up, on the other hoof. Isn't it kinda dangerous to travel by yourself?" Twilight asked worriedly.
"Oh, fuhgeddaboudit Twilight, everything's just fine and dandy! Besides, it's kinda nice to visit Ponyville once in a while without something ridiculously strange happening. Sides, a mare deserves to enjoy a little time to herself once in a while. I sincerely hope I didn't come at a bad ti-----" She stopped in her tracks, and her eyes shot wide open as she started back at me.
Silence filled the room. Twilight figured that Celestia would have probably reacted this way. A lump went down in my throat. The event was so traumatizing that the Universe himself had to go to a therapist because of this.
Twilight inched in tenderly. "Princess Celestia, meet Chase."
The princess finally broke out of her dazed stupor and finally asked Twilight. "Twilight. W-what is he ?"
"He is a human." Twilight answered.
"I have never heard of or seen this creature before. I have reigned for over a thousand years. Yet, this creature is all so new to me! How could I not know of this? There has to be some kind of mistake."
Wait, did I hear that right, or did I really damage my hearing? More than a thousand years? DAMN! I was speechless.
"He was brought here just before you arrived."
"DANG! YOU'RE REALLY OLD!" I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I couldn't help it, it sort of slipped out.
Silence was my only reply. Each of my friends reacted differently, one of whom dived for cover. Princess Celestia on the other hand, stood where she was, staring at me, speechless. Did I say that?! I SAID THAT?!?! DAFAQ?! I DID NOT JUST SAY THAT?!?! WHY MOUTH?!?! WHY DO YOU BETRAY ME SO?!?!!?!
"ERR... uh, yet you look..." Oh no! THINK! THINK! THINK DAMN YOU BRAIN! I panicked on the inside. "Beautiful! YEESH DID IT GET HOT IN HERE OR IS IT JUST ME?" I said while trying and failing to salvage the situation. Thank you brain, I'll never take you for granted ever again!
The princess still continued staring at me, but then she said as she blushed, "OH! Uh... thank you! Thank you very much." Everybody, including me, sighed in relief.
"That reminds me, Princess, would you like to join us?" Twilight gestures inside.
"Absolutely! I'd love to! What's the party for?"
"It's for Chase here." Pinkie chirps, pointing to me. "It's a Welcome-to-Equestria and First-Human-to-ever-come-here-with somewhat-of-an-Idea-how party!"
"Sounds absolutely delightful. A very kind gesture of you, Pinkie."
"What I'm here for!" she says cheerfully. What a Marey Sue. HA! Horse pun my foot!
The princess then made her way gracefully and elegantly inside. She then proceeded to sit herself right next to me. Immediately, I caught quite the whiff of whatever perfume she was wearing. She had quite interesting tastes. I coughed lightly.
"Soooo, 'Chase', do tell. Where are you from?" the princess asked me.
"I come from Earth."
"Fascinating. We call this Earth as well. A big coincidence, wouldn't you agree?"
I let out depraved laughter. "Yeah. Really big."
She had her purple eyes fixated on mine. Damn those are some beautiful eyes if I ever saw any. "How about your country?"
"The United States of America."
"That definitely sounds very promising. Your people must really work hard to keep your country running together, don't they?"
I exhaled sharply. "Yeah. Although there are certain... issues they don't agree on... it's very complicated and I don't really feel comfortable talking about it. I'd rather not bore you with the details."
"I completely understand." she says softly with an understanding demeanor.
"Uh.. err. thanks... uh... Your Majesty... err, Princess, um... oh fuck." I struggled with composing myself, as I had never met royalty before in my life, the only exception being on one of my adventures, although I was kicked out of the palace of the sultan.
"Oh, dear. Absolutely no need to trouble yourself with formalities. Just refer to me as Princess, or Celestia. Whatever floats your boat."
"Think I prefer 'Princess'." I nod.
"Very well then." My friends however were absolutely flabbergasted at the fact that their ruler quickly became acquainted with me. She was the kindest and most benevolent of all, so this wasn't a welcome surprise for them.
"Tell me Chase, are you a violent man?" Princess Celestia asked me, sort of whispering.
"Only as a last resort. Mind you, I'm an archaeology major and an adventurer, so I have to fight my way out of a situation or to obtain priceless relics. And I have killed before, which is why I have a pistol and a whip but only for self defense, but I assure you no harm will come to yourself or your subjects." I explain to her, with complete honesty.
"Thank you Chase, for being honest with me."
Princess Celestia turned to Twilight. "How did he get here?"
"He says that an alicorn shaped statue somehow brought him here."
"Interesting." Princess Celestia says, musing her thoughts. "Chase, do you still have it?"
"Yes. Actually, I do." I say, pulling the same statue out of my satchel and carefully handing it to her.
"Interesting. A strange statue and a strange visitor." she turns to me. "Sorry."
"T's alright." I say, waving a gloved hand up to show that I wasn't offended in any way.
"I shall have my mages analyze the statue. Well, I believe now would be the time for me to depart. I wish you all the best of luck."
Right before she left, she glanced at me once more, sitting in the midst of the group.
Must have been quite the adventure he's been put in. He's very polite for an interdimensional entity. Also handsome at that. She grins a little while blushing again. He called me 'beautiful.' Very kind of him. Kind of him indeed.
With that, she flew away.
I turned my attention back to my friends and thought: Well, that happened.
Author's Note
Me: What happens now?
Medic: Now? (cackles wickedly) Let's go practice fanfiction.
An Archaeologist In Equestria
"Aw crap..." I said, feeling around my satchel.
"What is it, buddy?" Rainbow asked.
"Where in the name of hell is my wallet?!" I say, frantically feeling around my satchel.
"You mean this wallet!" Pinkie says, scaring the hell out of me while also holding my wallet.
"Pinkie! Thank God, where'd you find that?" I say, taking my wallet, thanking Pinkie and putting it back in my pocket.
"I found it in the Everfree Forest while you were talking with Princess Celestia." Pinkie says randomly. Seriously, this pony is a hazard to my sanity.
"Girls, if you don't mind, I'd like to take Chase back to the Friendship Castle and interview him about his species and their history." Twilight says, and my friends all nod in agreement, as they all probably had things to do.
A few hours later, I sat down in a library with Twilight. The castle itself was made of crystal, crystal that was unlike anything I've ever seen. And it was amazing.
"So, where do we begin?" I asked.
Twilight sat down and pondered for a moment, the environment around us shrouded in perpetual silence. Then she spoke. "Why don't we start with you ?"
"I have no problems with that." I say.
"My name is Chase Andrew Vander Dussen. My middle name, also my dad's name. I was born November 15th, 1997 at Hoag Hospital in Tustin, and I am now twenty years old. I live in Anaheim, California of the United States of America. The southern part to be exact."
"I think I heard you talk under your breath about your parents. What do they do for a living?" Twilight asked me.
"My Dad works for a company started by Thomas Edison, inventor of the lightbulb, called General Electric. He works for the Healthcare branch. He's an engineer, and he does repair jobs for MRI scanners."
"MRI? What's that?" Twilight asks me.
"Oh, it stands for Magnetic Resonance Imaging. I won't go to much into detail, but I will say this much: are you familiar with X-ray scanners?"
"Yes," Twilight says. "our hospitals use them to find broken bones."
"It's like that, but much slower and scans your brain. I had one done on me when I was younger. I kept getting headaches and my parents had no idea what was wrong, and when the scan was done, they found nothing wrong."
"As for my mother, she is a professor of psychology and a part-time play therapist." I conclude.
"Now as for my species, before you ask, we still debate how we came to be."
An hour had passed and I told Twilight literally everything. I covered the history of the existence and extinction of the dinosaurs. I told her about both World Wars, every movie ever made, and a little bit of my family history, and I even told her about the moon landings, and our technological advances and whatnot. I also told her of my adventures. We were about to wrap it up when an official looking envelope hit me in the eye, which really hurt by the way, and landed on the table.
I stood over Twilight and looked at the letter, which read:
Dearest Twilight,
I have heard from mine sister of this, "visitor" of which thou speakest. He does sound like pleasant company, if what mine sister hath said is indeed true. I shalt very much like to meet him. Bring him to us at thine earliest convenience. We look forward to awaiting thy response.
Signed, Princess Luna; Princess of the Night.
An Archaeologist In Equestria
Chapter 7: Meeting Princess Luna
When Twilight said I would be meeting her sister, I PANICKED. Rapidly, I paced back and forth along the crystalline floor of the friendship castle as she called it, my nerves racked. OH MAN OH MAN I'M DEAD I'M DEAD I'M DEAD I'M DEAD I'M DEAD I'M DEAD I'M DEAD I'M DEAD I thought, but then I started thinking out loud, to which Twilight snapped me back into reality.
"Chase! You need to calm down . Besides, you're overreacting. You don't know how she'll react. She might even like you for all I know!" Twilight beamed at me. Did this help you ask? No. Not one bit.
I sigh in defeat. "You're right. I'm overreacting. Maybe you should escort me. Who knows what'll happen?"
"Follow me." Twilight says.
I'm in her air balloon. A FUCKING AIR BALLOON!
"Whoa. That's a long way down. And I snagged myself in a tree branch. That was only because I got lucky." I say, looking down. "Say, Twi? How much further do we have to go?"
"We're halfway there. Why?"
I sit down, not wanting to look at the ground, five thousand feet below me. "When we get to this, 'Canterlot' let me know. I think I'm gonna puke."
"Well, Chase, you won't have to puke, because we're here." Twilight says. OH SWEET MERCIFUL GROUND! I'LL NEVER TAKE YOU FOR GRANTED EVER AGAIN!
The hot air balloon finally landed on the ground in Canterlot, where you'll never find a more wretched hive of snobs and tightwads. The whole town, including the castle was situated on the side of a mountain. I'd like to meet the genius who thought that that was a good idea. I stomped my boot on the ground to see if it would collapse, and to my relief the ground didn't give in like I anticipated.
"Chase, you coming?" I silently respond by following her lead. I'm just gonna be honest with you, Canterlot wasn't anything I was expecting. I was half-expecting a grimy brick and mortar town, but instead Canterlot was all colorful and looked like something out of a Dr. Seuss book.
All around me, I could see various shops, ponies meandering about, going about their day, without a care in the world. Eventually, Twilight and I made our way to Canterlot Castle, the home of the two sisters. Once inside, I had to admire the place, although it was kinda flashy and showy for my tastes. Then again, what do I know?
"This way," Twilight said, directing me to a flight of stairs that led up to Princess Luna's room.
"*pant * *wheeze *... 597. 598... ha! 599. Aaaaand, 600! Whew! And you'd think... *wheeze *... it would kill em' to install an elevator." I leaned over on the railing, trying to catch my breath. I looked to my right hand side and saw a nighttime themed door. "Must be this Princess Luna's room."
I knock lightly. No response. This time, I knock louder.
"Enter." a voice responds.
Finally! I thought. A response! Les do dis!
I enter her room and close the door behind me. The room was very dimly lit. I waved my hand in front of my face.
"Mine apologies. Allow us to get the lights for you." She does so and the room becomes brighter.
I scratch the behind of my head. "Why are you referring to yourself in the third person?"
"Why not?" Luna sassed back.
I chuckle, waving a gloved finger at her. "Good one, never heard that one before."
"Please, sit." I do as she instructs, and she gets up to grab a bottle of moonshine and two glasses.
"I don't drink." I say. "Besides. I'm only 20."
"In that case, you've reached our drinking age."
"Oh well then. Don't mind if I do."
Then, we had a long back and forth conversation, with her asking me about myself and my world. I gladly answered her and told her everything, including the moon landings.
After about three or fifty drinks of the moonshine, I was laughing hard, mostly cause of the stuff that Luna told me about herself and her sister and because I was wasted and drunk. But, all good things had to come to an end, and I had to leave. "Weheell. It's been fun and all, Luna, but I gotta go now. I gotta ghet mayshelf situated."
After I made it down the stairs, Twilight was waiting for me. "So how did your meeting with her go?"
"Huh? Oh great! I had loads of fun." I say, staggering my way towards Twilight.
"Alright. You're obviously drunk."
"Moi? Drunk? No I'm not." I denied.
Twilight rolls her eyes at me and levitates me onto her back. "You are so bucking drunk."
"No I'm noooooooot!" I whined, hunching over.
"Oh, Rainbow and the others are so gonna get a kick out of this." Twilight says, trotting away to the train station.
"Y'know what Twi? Yer a gerd friend." I slurred out.
Rainbow Dash was laughing. And I mean LAUGHING . She was having a field day with my dilemma. To which I kept vehemently denying.
"Was it really that bad?" Starlight, who I met earlier in the day, asks Twilight.
"Well shucks." Applejack says. "Ah knew mah cider was strong stuff, but dadgum. Ah had no clue the princess' moonshine was stronger. Ah'll have to see for mahself how strong it is."
"Regardless, look at Chase! He's drunk off his flank!" Twilight says, pointing to me, still on her back.
"I am not drunk! I don't *HIC* care what you say!" I rant, getting off her back.
I lean on Applejack's shoulders. "Heeey. Y'know if you look real close at reality, you can see the fuckin' dragons in your kitchen?"
"Say what now?"
"Chase, I'm really sorry to do this to you." Twilight says before I black out and join the world of unconsciousness.
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An Archaeologist In Equestria
Chapter 8: Trouble In Klugetown (I didn't do a damn thing)
I have no idea what the fuck just happened. I didn't even start that riot, and yet here I am running away from all sorts of anthropomorphic creatures for my life.
8 hours earlier...
I had come to Klugetown in the hopes that I'd learn more about the artifact that had brought me here. Unfortunately, someone or something had started a huge fight and blamed me for it. I didn't even start the fight, I was getting myself a grilled cheese sandwich from one of the stands. No, it wasn't Capper, or me, or Tempest Shadow (Fizzlepop), nor the Royal Guards. Half of the Royal Guards were dicks, but they were smart dicks. They knew they couldn't risk their rep as a police force. No, it was actually a retired disgruntled Royal Guard by the name of Ardent Night, who was pissed off, and rightly so, because the Bureau for Retired Royal Guards (BfRRG) decided it would be a good idea to not give him his benefits and blow it off on a fucking corporate pool party.
Ardent Night then shot a bolt of lightning from his horn, which hit some shark, man, thing, who then screeched at him and punched him, causing him to crash face-first into the side of a building, which imploded. A Royal Guard summoned a gigantic turtle, which toppled over several buildings and squishing several creatures, which somehow escalated into a street-wide fight. A Royal Guard shot a magic beam at another shark-like creature, who then exploded for no reason at all.
And that's how I escaped from Klugetown. After I was far away as I could possibly get from that town, I needed to lay low for awhile.
"I need to find someplace to lie low for awhile. I think I'll head somewhere where I can't be found." I decided to head to Somnambula (the town, not the pony) and find a place to stay, and learn about the statue that brought me here. After walking for a few days, I had settled into a room free of charge to the pony loaning it to me after I explained what happened.
"Twilight." said Princess Celestia in a false sweet voice. "where , is Chase?"
Twilight gulped.
"He sent you a letter." Twilight answered.
I woke up at the crack of dawn and left a note for the pony allowing me to rent out the place. I pulled out the grilled cheese sandwich I bought, sat down, and ate it. After that, I got up and wrote in my journal while leaning against a wall in an alleyway.
Still stuck in Equestria. I havent written in this journal in a while. Princess Celestia is still searching for a way to send me home. Hopefully I can learn more about the statue that sent me here. I miss my home. I've been lying low in a settlement, Somnambula. I hope I can learn about the statue that brought me to this world.
I went to go see a wise old stallion who told me that the statue was not of Equestrian origins, but of my world's origin. I decided to head back to the place I was staying at and do some research. I found out that at some point, there were in fact humans living in Equestria, but some sort of event happened that made them virtually non-existent. I headed back to Ponyville. I got a letter from Princess Celestia that said Twilight and her friends were worried sick about me, and she also mentioned that she wanted to talk privately with me when I returned. I assumed that she knew that I knew about Equestria's hidden history.
Author's Note
Another chapter done!
An Archaeologist In Equestria
Chapter 2: The Town, Introductions Part I
A couple hours later, well, it felt like a couple minutes, as Twilight and I were flying, we flew out of the Everfree Forest and above the town I would know and come to love.
"So Chase, how did you get into Archaeology in the first place?" Twilight asked me.
I sighed, readjusting my fedora. "It's a long story."
"We've got time." Twilight says.
"When I was little... it was always my dream to be Indiana Jones." I explained.
"Never heard of him. But I have heard of Daring Do."
"Well, he's like her but instead a guy who teaches Archaeology and travels the world, beating up bad guys and saving the day." I explained. "Long story short, I had many adventures in my childhood and in my field of study, well, up until today."
"How did you get your wings? I asked Twilight."
"Well. It all started back when I was just a filly..."
TWO HOURS LATER...
Ironically, I was actually shocked to hear Twilight's story from her. To actually hear it from her was an entirely new experience for me!
"Wow! That is an amazing story! And to think you used to be a unicorn too!" I exclaimed.
She looked away, sheepishly. "You're a hero!" I exclaimed. We finally landed on the ground and walked around town for a bit. I got off of Twilight's back, to give her a break from carrying me around.
"Enough about me." Twilight said. "What about you? Where are you from? What's your IQ?"
"I'm from the state of California. I'm nineteen years old and studying Archaeology. I had my IQ tested, but I don't know what it is."
"How do you not know?" Twilight asked. "Is something wrong with your brain?"
"I'd rather not. You might laugh at me." I say glumly.
"It's alright." Twilight assured me. "I'm your friend. You can tell me anything."
"Well, I was diagnosed with autism when I was little. I have ADHD."
"ADHD?"
"It stands for Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder." I explained.
"Anything else?" Twilight asked me.
"Um. I have... issues with high anxiety and stress. I tend to get angry, sometimes for no apparent reason, other times if I feel like ranting. I have difficulty with paying attention to anybody talking with me. I have an agenesis of the corpus callosum. And lastly, I have... problems with sitting still in one spot for long periods of time." I explained.
"If you ever need anything. I'm here for you." Twilight says, smiling at me.
"So, have you ever had to use violence as a last resort in your world?" Twilight asked me.
"It pains me to say it, but... yes. I have." I explained. "I even fought a guy twice my size near an airplane once. It didn't end well for either of us."
"How so?" Twilight asked me. "Can you elaborate?"
"The best way to explain this... it didn't end well for the guy I fought cause he got sucked into the jet engine. He was gone. Didn't end well for me cause I was bruised and hurt, but I pressed on to obtain the artifacts I was after."
"Well, this is all fascinating. I'd love to hear of your adventures and more about your world." Twilight told me.
"Hello Princess----" a black and red maned mare greeted us, but froze at the sight of me.
Every other equine creature followed suit and shut their doors and windows in a panic.
"Well that was rude. Wow. I just... wow. I cannot even with this place." I said, looking at the ground, albeit uncomfortably.
"Don't let that discourage you, Chase. They will warm up to you eventually." Twilight encouraged me.
"Who should we see first?" Twilight asked me.
"Well, it's up to you. I'm new here." I say, shrugging.
"Fluttershy it is then." Twilight says.
"So Fluttershy was the second pony you met in your time in Equestria?" Dad asks.
"What did I tell you about interrupting? Yes, she was. Now, as I was saying..."
As Twilight and I walked toward Fluttershy's house, I noticed a crystalline castle on our way. I was about to ask about the castle when Twilight spoke up.
"I'll explain the castle's origins to you soon. By the way, tell me all about your world! When we get to the castle that is." Twilight informed me. "We're here."
Once we got to Fluttershy's cottage, I took a good look at it. "Nice place she has."
"I'm sure that she'll be very happy hear that from you." Twilight says.
Author's Note
And another chapter! Enjoy!