Chapters Tucson, Arizona. Swelteringly hot from five in the morning until eight at night, and one of the more boring towns in the U.S.. This is where my life began, where I grew up, and where I thought my life would end. When I came out of the ‘stables’ and announced my brony status, I found that my family rejected bronies as much as extremist Christians reject fags. As such, I was expelled from the household. I was forced to live in the washes that lace Tucson. This was not so hard, as long as I stayed out of them when the rains came.
Of course, things were even more boring than usual. When not finding my next meal, I had little to do. So, I began exploring the millions of washes, tracing them out on the map I took when I left. But, that didn’t last long, as I had a lot of down time. So, when that fun ran out, I decided to explore the pipes built into the walls of the washes. I figured this would simply serve to pass the time, but I was wrong.
I began by exploring the pipe closest to my ‘home’ (it was merely a hole in the wall). I followed it deep into the earth, my way being illuminated by a flashlight I had found. It eventually led out into searing daylight and rolling plains. I already knew I wasn’t in Tucson, but other than that, I had nothing on my current location. In the far distance, I could see what appeared to be a traditional American Indian teepee, so I decided to check it out, but not before I memorized the surroundings around where I came out. I reached the teepee before the night did, and they put me in for the night, out of sheer kindness.
They were quite strange people, what appeared to be a family of minotaurs. I knew this had to be a dream now, as they were obviously the Native American esque Tauren that Blizzard pulled out of thin air. I must admit, though, this dream food was quite scrumptious, and the bed was quite soft. As I drifted off to sleep in a foreign land I can only imagine was Mulgore, I began to wonder if this was a dream. Would I wake up when I fell asleep?
No, I simply woke up the next morning in the same bed, the same land. And, the Tauren family wouldn’t let me leave without a full stomach. When I did leave, though, it was back the way I had come, into the enlarged foxhole I had crawled out of.
When I arrived back in Tucson, the sun had only recently risen, telling me that time was the same here and there. Since I had a full stomach, I had no need to go hunting, and I decided to explore another tunnel. This one went on for farther than the last, and I was about to give up hope when the sun lanced in and seared my pupils. I stepped out into a land more barren than I could ever describe. All I could see for miles on end was a rolling sea of red. Since I could see nothing, and had no way to memorize the position of this hole, I turned to leave. But there, in my path stood a tall, humanoid thing. It was easily seven feet, and was brutishly built, a truly rippling physique. I attempted to ask him where I was, but was interrupted by a swift backhand that left me unconscious.
The next thing I knew, cold water hit me in the face, ripping me out of my unconsciousness. I looked up at the one who splashed me, and recognized the brute who knocked me out. I made to do the same, but found my arms bound to my sides. I heard a woman’s voice call out a harsh greeting.
“Look who’s awake. Just in time, too. The hounds were getting hungry.” It was then that I noticed the ‘dogs’ sitting and slobbering in the corner. Honestly, I thought they looked more like amorphous blobs. Another voice, in a tongue I could not understand, snapped me out of my thoughts. Whatever language he spoke, it was more akin to a small avalanche. The woman who spoke earlier replied in a similar fashion, then turned her gaze to me.
“Gnuk here says he found you out on the plains after crawling through a hole. Who are you and where did you come from, white one?”
When I had finally translated her broken English, I replied: “I am William, and come from Earth. Where am I?”
“William, William, hmm” she pondered. “No, I do not like the way that sounds. I shall call you Kiqo” She replied in a tone of finality. “In our tongue, Kiqo means white. As to where you are, you are on what we call Nyth. These are the bloodied plains of Vagnir. You stand before the queen of the Nyorn. Have you any more questions?”
“No, I get flung from my world and thrown into an alien one and have no questions. Of course I have questions. First off, why are these plains bloody? Secondly, why did Gnuk have to go and knock me out? Thirdly, how did I not see this building? Did we go that far, or do you have some sort of magic?”
After some consultation with Gnuk, presumably about the whole backhand incident, she turned to me. “These plains are bloody because we fought many years for them. Gnuk simply knocked you out because he was afraid of you. And finally, you did go that far, and we have some grasp on magic.”
“Why would you fight for someplace this barren? Also, how could a muscular, um, being like Gnuk be afraid of anything?” I asked, struggling for a word to describe Gnuk.
“I forgot that Gnuk found you out in the Badlands. Here, these plains are lush and fertile. As for Gnuk’s fear, his muscles are simply an illusion. He is the best mage on Nyth.” At this, Gnuk blushed.
“So, why did you capture me for interrogation?”
“We did not know if you were a threat. Gnuk thought that maybe you were a spellcaster, since you don’t look strong enough to cause much physical harm.” At this, I glared at Gnuk for insulting me so, although it was true. “As i can sense, though, you are not a spellcaster, so you may go.”
On queue, Gnuk exploded in a flash of light, the queen waved goodbye, and I found myself back at the hole I came out of, hands unbound. Before I left, Gnuk crushed me within his arms. I still wonder how he truly felt about me. I ducked back through the tunnel, and when i came back home, I found food at my home.
I found a card, which, in broken handwriting, read: ‘You looked awfully hungry, so i thought I’d have Gnuk teleport some food to you. -Fu, queen of the Nyorn’. Ravenous, I dug into the spread and prepared for another adventure, since the sun was far from setting and I was far from tired.
I picked another tunnel to go through, but I decided against it. I searched about the wash until I found a spray can, and labeled the two tunnels I had already explored. I left the can in my camp even though i doubted its longevity. I crawled through the tunnel I had picked, and was surprised when I was blinded almost immediately.
I stepped through to see three suns burning the land before me. I wondered why such a place would ever exist. It was hotter than Tucson, and seemed abandoned and lifeless. Since I had been fooled by appearances before, I turned around, expecting a backhand. None came, and I found myself truly alone. If it weren’t so hot, I would have been happy. But, all the same, I turned back. I labeled this tunnel ‘Desolation’. It fit.
Since I was not yet hungry, I went in search of another tunnel. I found only one within walking distance, so I entered it. I followed it through its twists and bends and found myself hungry before it ended. When I emerged, it was not into bright daylight, but into dusk. I was under a bridge, but could hear nothing from up above. Since the bridge I was under was obviously man-made, I crawled out from underneath, expecting a village. All I saw was a small cottage, surrounded by lush foliage, and brimming with animal life. This all seemed familiar, but I just couldn’t put my finger on it.
I walked up to the cottage, not knowing what to expect. I knocked, and there a dart of yellow by the window, followed by a feminine ‘eep’. “Hello?” I called, not wanting to frighten whoever was inside.
“Go away, you big meanie” I heard in that same feminine voice.
“That’s not very nice to say to a stranger” I replied.
“You’re strange, alright. You walk on two legs.” With that, it clicked. I was in Equestria, from the show that got me expelled from my family.
“Look, why are you frightened? Just cause I walk on two legs doesn’t mean I’m mean, just that I’m different.”
“I guess you’re right” she said, and opened the door, bit by bit. I had called it. Fluttershy stood before me, scared as ever.
“Hi.” I said, and observed her form. She noticed my observation, and blushed. “I wouldn’t want to scare anyone else, so do you know of any way I could disguise myself as one of you?” I asked, already knowing the answer.
“I have a friend who has some magic that could disguise you. I think she would enjoy your company.”
“Alright, then.” I replied, but when she didn’t move, I just had to ask: “So, do I have to find this friend of yours on my own, or will you be so kind as to show me to her?”
She blushed again. “I was just thinking about how everypony in town would either be frightened of you or ask too many questions.” Suddenly, her face lit up and she sped back into her house. I figured she had just had an idea, since she left the door open. “Come on in, sit where you like, I just need to get something.”
I walked in, closed the door, and decided to sit on the floor, since that had been where I had sat for a rather long time. When she finally came back, she was carrying what looked to be a jumpsuit. She handed it to me. “Put this on.”
I complied, and in a few minutes, I had it on. I looked down at myself, and saw that it was a pony costume. “So, is this how we’ll avoid fear and questions?”
“Yes, but you’ll have to learn to walk like a pony. It’s a ways to the town where Twilight lives, so I’ll teach you on the way.”
I followed, and she started me off with walking on all fours. Noticing that, due to the human anatomy, I bent forward when I did that, so she had me walk on my knees instead. I also folded my legs into my fake legs. When I did this, I wound up just as tall as Fluttershy, and found I could keep up with her rather well.
As we walked through Ponyville, we saw very few ponies, as it was getting on towards night. Those we did see, however, cast curious glances my way, but did not ask questions. Eventually, we came to the tree where Twilight’s library was. Fluttershy knocked, and Spike answered. “Hey Fluttershy! Who’s your friend?” Was the costume that convincing?
“He’s a, um, stranger, and he needs Twilight’s help.” I could’ve sworn I heard Spike mutter under his breath ‘You can say that again’, but I couldn’t be sure.
He brought us in, and called for Twilight. She came down, and glanced curiously at me before greeting Fluttershy, “Hi, Fluttershy. Who’s your friend?” I felt major deja vu then.
Instead of saying I was a stranger, she shut the door and told me to take off the costume. I did so, and revealed myself to the other two. Fluttershy then asked, “Do you have a spell that would make him appear as a pony?”
Twilight blinked a few times, and then turned her head to Fluttershy, though her eyes lingered behind on me for a while. “A what?” She asked, awestruck. She then shook herself out of her reverie. “Why, yes, I have a spell just for that” She dove into her books, and came out, levitating one in front of her. “I haven’t tried this before, but here goes.” Her horn flared, and glowed brighter and brighter, until it was almost unbearable.
Initially, I felt nothing, but eventually, there was a change. First came an unbearable itching as fur grew out of my once bare skin. Next was a shrinking. I knew this was my legs, since the next change threw me off balance, and forced me onto all fours. Then, I heard an awful cracking and unbearable pain in my face as my face rearranged itself in order to look more pony like. Finally, I grew a tail and hooves, and my hair rearranged itself into a proper mane.
Twilight passed out after that, and Spike carried her up to bed, leaving me to inspect myself. I had brass colored fur all over, and a blonde mane. I also noticed I had no cutie mark, but I imagine that will come with time.
Spike came back down and showed me into a spare bedroom, and Fluttershy flew home. I was hungry, but didn’t want to over extend their hospitality. I laid down on the bed and promptly went to sleep, my body wracked with exhaustion after today.
When I awoke in the morning, I noted that the sun was not up yet. I stepped out of my room, walking quietly so as to not disturb Twilight. I left to go for a walk, stretch my new legs. I eventually found myself at a small pond. I looked into the reflective water, and saw my new face. Twilight did a very good job. I saw dawn on the horizon, and trotted back to the library. I lay back down on my bed, and pretended to sleep. A little while later, I heard my door open. I lifted my head to see Twilight standing in the doorway, looking awfully proud. “Not too shabby, if I do say so myself.”
“I certainly thought so,” I replied. “I know that took a lot of power, and I am extremely grateful.”
“I honestly can’t believe I did that,” she replied. Due to my quizzical look, she continued. “Fluttershy shows up with what appears to be a walking ragdoll, and turns out to be an alien, and I just go and turn him into a pony without even asking his name.”
Catching the hint, I introduce myself, not as William, but as Kiqo.
“That’s an odd name” she muses. “What does it mean, and where did it come from?”
“It means white, and Fu, queen of the Nyorn dubbed me so when I visited their homeworld of Nyth.”
“Sounds like you’ve got a story.” She thought a moment, and said “Why don’t you write that down, and I’ll go gather my friends. I’m sure at least one of them wants to meet you.” I nodded in consent, and wrote my tale. This is the end of the record of the past, but just the beginning of the future.
I put the scroll down, and admired my mouthwriting. For my first time, it was awfully neat. Then, the door opened and they all entered. The scroll snapped shut, only enunciating the pervading silence.
“I knew you were good at magic, but this is phenomenal” said Rarity, the only pony besides Twilight without her jaw on the floor.
“I’ve got to throw you a welcome to Ponyville party!” exclaimed Pinkie Pie. She was just about to leave when she gasped. “It shouldn’t be a ‘welcome to Ponyville’ party, It should be a ‘welcome to Equestria’ party!” And, with that, she took off, doubtlessly to go get the party set up.
This left me to get acquainted with the other five. We had a nice chat, I retold my tale, and just as I finished, Pinkie Pie showed up to announce the party.
When I got to Sugarcube Corner, I realized the show did not exaggerate. If anything, it understated her parties. It was extremely festive and even more colorful. We all had a blast, and it went on until late in the night. When it all ended, we said our goodbyes, and I returned to the library with Twilight, since I still had no place in Ponyville to go, and I sure as hell didn’t want to go back to Earth.
When I awoke the next morning, I discovered something the show omitted. If they weren’t on a grand adventure, life was pretty run-of-the-mill for the six. Without much to do, and being a bookworm at heart, I dived right into Twilight’s massive collection. Around lunch time, my stomach forced me to stop. Twilight said she was going out for lunch, and that I was welcome to join her. When we got to the restaurant where we were to dine, Twilight looked at me and gasped.
“What is it?” I asked, worried that the transformation spell had worn off.
“When I transformed you, you were an earth pony, but now...” she trailed off, too disturbed to continue. Since she mentioned I was no longer an earth pony, I checked myself for either wings or a horn, and lo and behold, sitting upon my head was a conical projection of bone, and when I touched it, I could feel a shiver of energy course through my body.
“I thought something was different” I mused. “Would you be so kind as to give me lessons?” I asked the lavender unicorn across me.
“I would love to give you lessons, just to see if you can actually learn magic.” As she said that, the waiter brought us our food. when we finished our food, we went back to the library, Twilight simply emanating joy in anticipation of having an apprentice.
Of course, magic is not easy, but I struggled through it, since it was something I enjoyed learning. Of course, once I learned to levitate objects, the rest got really simple, but was made harder since Twilight had learned everything from books and had a hard time telling me how to do certain things. But, with perseverance, I learned plenty by the time dinner rolled around.
Twilight decided that her friends should know what happened, even if we don’t know why, and took off to gather them, leaving Spike with eight meals to prep. I was never very good at cooking, but he had a lot to do, so I tried to help him out.
When the six entered the library, they all looked just as shocked as when they first met me, maybe even more so. The silence was broken when Spike piped up with: “If you guys are just going to stand there, I’m going to start without you.” That snapped everyone out of their reverie long enough to realize their hunger and to see the food Spike had so graciously made.
“How did this happen?” asked an astonished Rainbow Dash.
Before I could say a word, Twilight told them everything. Peeved at getting my story stolen, I munched on the food before me. It helped soothe my anger.
“So, y’all have no idea how this happened?” asked Applejack, after Twilight finished her story.
I slid in a quick “Nope” just to see if I could say it before Twilight. We wound up saying it at the same time, displaying the beginning of a strange unison between us. Twilight and I laughed at that occasion, though it eventually became something more.
“I simply buried my head in a few of Twilight’s books, and poof.”
“So, you became an egghead?” asked Rainbow Dash.
“No, I didn’t become an egghead, I simply amplified my current state.” Apparently, this configuration of literary terminology has the power to baffle everyone except for ‘eggheads’. Twilight and I shared in a laugh, since we were the only two to know what I really said.
“I’m sorry, but come again?” asked a still dazed Applejack.
“In layman’s terms, I’ve always been an egghead, and her books just made me more of one.”
“Why didn’t you say that in the first place, darling?”
“I speak the way I do, and seldom do I ever really think about using fewer ‘egghead’ words.”
“But Twilight’s an egghead, and she doesn’t speak all smart” cried an outraged Rainbow Dash.
“That is simply because she chooses not to. I choose to because I once wished to distance myself from the common rabble that infested my community. I eventually got over that, but the language stuck.”
“Twilight, make him speak normally, please.” And, with that one sentence, Rainbow started a revolt against my way of speaking.
“Calm down, calm down,” I attempted to yell over the fussy ponies. “I will do my best to limit the smartness of my language. Is this better?”
“Much better, sugarcube.”
We ate the rest of our meal in relative silence, only breaking it to compliment Spike on his cooking. Afterwards, we all retired to our respective beds. Once I heard Twilight say goodnight to Spike, though, I got up and went for a walk.
I had no idea where I was going, but I needed to go somewhere. I could not really think if I was being still, and I had a lot of thinking to do. I thought about the past, how much I missed eating meat, how much I missed Earth. I thought about the future, whether I should stay here or return. While I was still pondering these things, I heard my hoof steps echoing. I looked down, and realized I was at Fluttershy’s cottage. Under this very bridge was the tunnel back to my world. It gave me another thought. Should I go back to Earth, and see if I can’t bring my friend with me? I decided against it, since I didn’t want Twilight to have to exert herself so much again. Also, he had a girlfriend, and would probably want to bring her along, too. That would be two situations where Twilight would over exert herself, and I didn’t even wish one upon her. Maybe I should go back to Nyth, find out about Gnuk’s true feelings for me. It seemed like a good plan, though I didn’t want Twilight to worry about me. So, I trotted back to the library, wrote a swift note, and prepared to leave again when I remembered that I woke up before her, and as such could slip out with a full night’s rest. So, I lay down and went to sleep.
In the morning, I left the note where she could see it, and departed for Earth, and then Nyth. After a long while, I found myself back in the Badlands. I turned, bracing myself for the backhand I almost missed, but instead there was no one. I called for Gnuk, but got no answer. I sighed, and turned to return when the backhand I was no longer expecting knocked me out.
I found myself trussed up, back in the presence of Fu. But, instead of threatening to feed me to the ‘hounds’, she simply smiled at me. “Welcome back, Kiqo. I see that you have changed. Is it for the better?”
“It is for the better, but I must ask Gnuk something” I said as I untied myself. At the mention of his name, Gnuk looked up from the drink he was nursing.
“Well, it will be rather hard for you to do so without either a translator or learning our language, and I am not going to be your translator.”
“Is there anyone else who can translate?”
“No one else even knows there are other languages, let alone speak them.”
“So, I guess I’ll have to learn your language.”
“If you wish.” And so, she taught me to speak in a language I never imagined could be so complex. It was a hard language to learn, though mostly just our alphabet with a few different rules and different words. When she finished her lesson, Fu called in Gnuk.
“Yes?” he asked, in his own tongue.
“Kiqo here would like to ask you something.”
“But he cannot speak our tongue.”
“But I can” I retorted.
“Impressive. Now, what would you like to ask me?”
“When I first left, you hugged me, and it left me wondering. What are your feelings about me?” He then blushed profusely and wouldn’t say anything.
Fu sighed. “Should I tell him?” Gnuk nodded.
“Gnuk is gay” When I did not seem surprised, the Queen asked why.
“Gay guys are cool with me, but I don’t swing that way.”
“But, I love you, with all my heart. From what the queen says about you and from what I see in your mind, I see the wonderful person you are.” This brought a tear to my eye, and I embraced the green man.
“But, even if I were gay, you know we can never be, right?”
“But, why not?”
“We are of different species, of different worlds, and, though I love it here, I would not fit in.”
“I could transform you into one of us, and you would fit in perfectly.” I knew his words were true, and my current state was proof. I would have stayed, too, but I couldn’t just abandon the world I had longed so much for.
“I’m sorry, Gnuk, I enjoy my current form. I promise, though, I will find some way for this to work.”
We stared deep into each other’s eyes, and he finally broke the silence. “Give me just tonight, please.”
“Alright, then, I will return when the sun drops below the horizon.” And with that, he teleported me back to the same hole as before. I crawled through, then back into Equestria just in time for lunch.
What I wasn’t expecting was Twilight standing at the other end. “I was so worried about you.”
“Krak nak nuk nil mek?” I said, speaking the wrong language. “I mean, didn’t you get my note?”
“You went and learned another language? And you didn’t even bother to bring me along?”
“I’m sorry, I just thought it would be a personal visit, and I wouldn’t wind up learning their language.”
“Oh, I see what’s going on. You stole away, back to Nyth, to see your girlfriend, Queen Fu.”
“She is royalty, and I a lowly vagabond. We would never be together.” That seemed to sate her anger slightly.
“So where did you go?”
“I went back to Nyth.”
“So it was to see Fu!”
“No, it was to see Gnuk.”
“Who?” And so, I recanted my tale.
“So, you find out that some green man is in love with you, and are decide to go running off together?”
“I never said that, I simply said I would come back tonight and fulfill his desires.”
At this blatant mention of sexual needs, she blushed. In a whisper barely audible, she said “Me first, please.”
“I didn’t quite catch that. Did you say...”
“Yes, alright. I did say. And I mean it. I love you Kiqo. You are my protege, my success story, and are, well, quite a handsome stallion.”
“Well, I already promised tonight to Gnuk, so...” I trailed off, hoping that would discourage her. It was not that I didn’t like her, it’s simply that Gnuk would see, and I didn’t want to ruin our relationship.
“Well, there is that interdimensional tunnel behind you where no one will hear us.”
“Oh, yeah, you’re right.” How could I forget such a thing? Before I could even finish that thought, she shoved me playfully back into the tunnel.
As soon as I was in the dark, I felt her lips connect with mine. Her sweet lips sent magical energy coursing through me. But that was nothing compared to the next bolt of magic that ripped through me. It was Gnuk. “You unfaithful cur!” he screamed in my head. “How could you do this to me?!”
I tried to respond and explain that I honestly didn’t want to, but he cut me short. “I have heard enough of your lies. I can’t believe I trusted you. If you ever return to Nyth, you will receive more than a backhand.”
He left my mind then, but left a sizable hole in his wake. I could not see, think, or even hear. But the next thing I did hear reminded me that a greater mage was here with me. “Are you alright? You stopped and then didn’t respond.”
“I’m alright, but my worst fears came true. Gnuk contacted me across dimensions into my mind, saw what I was doing, and ended our relationship.”
“Why is that your worst fear?” She asked, her purple light illuminating her worried face.
“He is a very powerful sorcerer, and an angry sorcerer is not good, especially when you cannot hide from him.”
“I’ll keep you safe, my love.” And with that, she banished all my fears with her luscious lavender lips. All I could feel was the pure energy coursing through her and into me. It was a power I doubt Gnuk could even dream of. And with that kiss came something even more magical. I could feel her love. I could taste the magic, metal and shocking, but then there was a subtler taste. It was soft and sweet, warm and comforting, and I found that she actually loved me. And, I found I could return that feeling.
Before I even realized what I was doing, I had flipped her over and had my member poised at her velvet folds. She pulled away for a moment, and gave me the green light. But, before I could act on my desire for her, a beam of light lanced my vision. I looked into the light, but could see nothing. Then, the light switched off and I saw a mildly overweight near duplicate of my human self staring back at me.
“David!” I exclaimed, leaping at him, momentarily forgetting my not quite so flaccid phallus.
“A talking pony,” he mused, as if I weren’t there. “But, how do you know my name?” he asked me, though I thought it was obvious.
“Fill me in too, please” asked Twilight, whose presence I had momentarily forgotten.
I explained that David was a lifelong friend to Twilight, and told David I was William.
Twilight butted in with “I thought you were Kiqo” while David sat there, flabbergasted.
“My birth name is William, but I was dubbed Kiqo, liked the name, and stuck with it.”
“So, Will, how did you become a pony?” asked David, who had recovered from his flabbergasted state. I retold my tale for what I hoped was the last time, as it was starting to get rather long. I then asked him how he came to be in Equestria.
“Well, Will, or should start calling you Kiqo, to avoid everyone else’s confusion?”
“Kiqo would be ideal.”
“Well, Kiqo, my girlfriend dumped me recently, and I’ve been rather down in the dumps. I knew that you had been evicted, and I figured you were living in the wash, since we were always talking about that. I then came to the conclusion that you would be in The Den. When I got there, you weren’t, but I saw signs of you having been there. I figured you went to have some fun. That’s when I noticed the tunnels you had labeled. I saw only two, and ‘Desolation’ didn’t sound very inviting, so I chose Nyth. I got there, and realized they must have been mislabeled, as this place looked awfully desolate. I went back, and tried ‘Desolation’, hoping for a better result.
“I honestly have no idea why you labeled it ‘Desolation’. It seemed awfully nice, plenty of night flora and nocturnal animals. I found some small people who lived underground and only came out at night. They dubbed me ‘Shneero’, which is white in their tongue. After some friendly banter in their tongue, I stepped back into our plane and saw a hint of motion farther down the wash. I realize now that that was you, and when I finally caught up to you, I found this.” He said, gesturing at the two of us.
“Sounds like you had a much more pleasurable time with your relations with extra-planar beings than I did” I said, a little huffily.
“So, would it be possible for me to get one of these cool transformation thingies?” He asked, eagerly looking at Twilight.
“Why don’t you try this time?” She asked me.
And so, she taught me the spell, and I began to cast it. I conjured all the magical force I could muster, and channeled it through the conical protrusion based in my forehead. I tasted pure power for the first time and it tasted deliciously, corruptingly, and tantalizingly sweet. I focused this massive power upon David, forming it into the transformation spell as Twilight had instructed. Soon, the spell tore from me like a wave and took my consciousness with it. I saw nothing more until the next morning.
The next morning, I awoke to a nigh upon orgasmic smell. It may have been for the fact that I had not eaten in a day or it could have been Spike’s ever delicious cooking. I followed my nose, not even bothering to use my legs, just levitating myself to the source of the wondrous smell. I found myself before a spread of pancakes and a rather peculiar sight. David and Rainbow Dash chatting like old pals.
“I see you two hit it off fairly well” I observed. “What happened after I passed out?”
Rainbow Dash told their tale. “Well, I saw some magic thing happen under the bridge near Fluttershy’s cottage. When I flew down there, I saw this handsome stallion trot out. Pitch black fur and a dark blonde mane! Attractive! I introduced myself, and he told me his name was Ace Grafite. I decided to challenge him to a race. He was fast, since he could keep up with me, but he couldn’t go very far until he ran out of juice, so I helped him practice his endurance. Now, he’s fast as me, and can keep up. Then, he ran so hard that he sprouted wings. It was almost as incredible as when we learned you were a unicorn. Eventually, I had him try a sonic boom. When he did, he confessed his love for me.” At this, Ace blushed.
“So there are two new couples?” asked Spike, who was walking in with a fresh batch of pancakes, one stack for me, and one for Twilight.
“I guess you heard about us, then?”
“Just like every pony in Ponyville.”
“I guess I am a bit of a loudmouth” said Twilight, who was coming down from the loft.
“At least it wasn’t one of the other two lovebirds” I said, attempting to fit as many pancakes in my mouth as I possibly could.
When Spike came back with his flapjack stack, he noticed my empty plate and looked at me, his eyes pleading me to not be hungry. I decided to be a nice guy, and told him the meal was tasty and filling. He seemed awfully relieved that he didn’t have to go and cook more pancakes, and dug into his.
When everyone had finished their pancakes, I buried my head in more of Twilight’s books. She kept me company a while, but eventually left. I, however, didn’t even notice her presence or lack thereof. Eventually, though, I found myself without any new books to read, and wondered where else I could satiate my insatiable lust for knowledge. Then I remembered. The Starswirl the Bearded wing in Canterlot Castle. But, how was I to get there?
I pondered this conundrum for a while, coming to several conclusions. Levitating there would be too taxing, hiring a carriage there would wind up being too expensive, and walking there would be too lengthy. Then I realized I could just teleport there. So, I did. When I got there, however, I was repulsed out into the hall my a magic field. I figured Starswirl had put up this spell in order to prevent infiltrators into the wing. So, teleportation being out, but having still gotten me fairly far, I decided to try the door.
It was locked. I never really expected it to be unlocked, but I knew how to pick locks. And with magic, it would be even easier. So, I gathered the small amount of tools I would require. A paper clip from one of the executive’s offices, and a flathead screwdriver. Apparently, Starswirl was not only wise, but omniscient, since, when I stuck my tools into the lock, they disintegrated.
The first thought to cross my mind was ‘I hope they don’t miss that screwdriver.’ The second thought, of course, made much more sense. I had to find a different way to open the door. I had seen the type of lock it was, a pin and tumbler lock, and I knew these locks backwards and forwards, so I simply needed to find a way to pick the lock without using something disintegratable. I pondered this subject, attempting to remember alternative ways to pick locks. It was fruitless. So, I decided to improvise. I only needed to bump the pins into the right place, and then turn the lock, so I set about coming up with substances that would serve my purpose.
I settled on a fluid. I would be able to work it into the lock, push the pins up by altering the form of the water with my magic, and then rotate the tumbler, again with magic. I began my quest for water by looking for a water fountain. I didn’t know what they would look like in this world, adapted for ponies, but I assumed it would be rather obvious. Apparently, though, they don’t have that technology, as I didn’t find any water fountains. So, a little crestfallen at that misadventure, I looked for a glass of water. Certainly they had those, right? I searched and searched, and finally found a glass of water in an office. However, that office was currently occupied. I pondered what to do, wracking my brain for a solution, and I found out that it was the simplest solution, patience. For, after a while, the hard working unicorn left her office. I took this chance, nabbed her glass of water, and took off back towards the Starswirl wing.
I set the glass down in front of the door, and pulled the water from within. I funneled it into the lock, pushed all the right pins, and turned the ‘key’. I then froze the water, which I thought would be a very clever way for me to gain access later. Of course, that proved pointless, since the ice proceeded to disintegrate.
When I entered the wing, I felt a shiver of energy course through me. This must have been Starswirl’s protection spell. What I didn’t understand, however, was that it felt like it was dissipating, not being enforced. I then decided to try something, and tried to teleport. I succeeded, but that was not enough to convince me. I went out into the hall and attempted to teleport back in. It succeeded, and I was downright shocked. I thought I would have to enter manually, but I did not.This pleased me greatly, since I would no longer have to pick the lock. With that out of the way, I set about looking for books, scrolls, tomes, anything to quench this unquenchable thirst for knowledge.
The first scroll I picked up contained a very interesting spell. It was titled ‘How to remove one’s spirit from one’s mortal shell, and how to then reverse the aforementioned spell’. And Rainbow thought I talked smart. I practiced the spell, and found myself looking down on myself looking down on the scroll. It was quite an interesting experience, and was also quite disturbing. I then practiced the spell that which would return me to my body. When I could come and go with ease, it was lunch time.
I teleported back to the Ponyville library, and was met by Twilight. “Where were you?!” she asked, in a voice that rang with rage.
“I went into the Starswirl the Bearded wing in Canterlot, and I guess I got carried away.”
“At least you weren’t off with Gnuk.”
“I don’t think he’d take me back. Anyways, I learned a rather useful spell while up there.”
“Really?” she asked, almost more excited that Pinkie was on a regular basis. So, I taught her the spell, and we both had some fun with it, going around and scaring ponies. When we got back, however, we found ourselves not hungry, and figured out that survival instincts had kicked in when we left, and our mortal shells had eaten.
When she realized this, she also came to the conclusion that if we locked ourselves in, we could do whatever we wanted, and not have to worry about food or sleep. This was the greatest realization she had ever had, and when I told her I could let her into the Starswirl wing, I don’t think she could have been happier, for fear of splitting her face in two. So, we left ourselves in Ponyville, and left for Canterlot. Of course, it was a short trip, since we teleported.
When we got to the wing, we split up, and would reconvene when we had taken our half of the wing. I quickly buried my head in a book, but was disturbed by a dull rumble.
“What was that?” Twilight asked.
“I don’t know.”
When the sun set, though, Twilight told me she had some work to do back in Ponyville. I kept studying, even though it was rather lonesome without her occasional ‘How fun!’ or ‘Very interesting’. I began to notice something, though. My spirit penis began to harden. Since I had not been reading anything arousing, I decided that something was happening to my physical self. I teleported back, and found Twilight, in her body, rubbing me to a state of full arousal.
Not wanting to miss a chance like this, I reentered my body, and just then she mounted me. She slid downwards, and didn’t stop until she had taken all of my shaft. She then lifted her hips, almost pulling me out, but then fell back down, taking it all back in. She continued this, picking up the pace gradually until I was sure she was bruising me with her force. Suddenly, she arched her back, pushing her chest towards me, and her mouth fell open in a quiet scream of ecstasy. She then collapsed upon me, my softening member falling out with a lewd pop. I then looked her in the eye and said “You don’t have to wait until I leave to do that again.”
She screamed, obviously shocked that I was actually there, and though there was no sound, it still had the same effect. Her horn glowed, and she said “How long were you there?”
“From the beginning”
“How did you know?”
“I started to get an erection”
“I guess I should have seen that coming”
“I have just one question, though. You never stopped at your hymen, which leads me to believe that this was not your first time. So, when did you lose your virginity?”
She stuttered over what she said next, and I could tell that she was lying. I said so, then requested the truth.
“I lost it to you” she said, very quietly.
“I think that’s a lie too, since I don’t remember actually having sex with you, and I’m not a heavy enough sleeper for you to have taken advantage of me in my sleep.”
“Well, you were once a very heavy sleeper”
“When?”
“When you transformed Ace”
“So, that’s the real reason why you had me do the transformation spell?”
“Yes”
“You didn’t have to go and trick me like that”
“But you forgot me when Ace showed up and you were trying to dodge sex with me, so I figured you didn’t like me. And then, when I left earlier today, I purposely wiggled my flank in your direction, so that maybe you would ask me to stay. When you didn’t, I could only think that you despised me.”
“And yet you still pursued sex with me?”
“Yes. I thought that even if I couldn’t make you love me, I could get satisfaction out of you.”
“Well, that’s definitely an interesting thought process, but let me explain myself. When Ace showed up, I was simply happy to see my friend. I was avoiding sex with you to not piss off Gnuk. And then, when I didn’t notice you leave, I was simply in the middle of a good book. I am sorry for the way I’ve presented things, but I do love you.”
“You have made me so happy.” she said, in a voice of unrivaled joy.
“I could make you happier” I said, and winked seductively at her.
“We should probably get some rest, though”
“Souls don’t need sleep” I pointed out, grinning. So, we left our bodies to sleep, and rolled through the air, pleasuring each other in every known way, and in some that were formerly unknown. Some time later, we tumbled through a bookcase and noticed the dawn sun crowning the horizon. We separated and returned to our beds, though I awoke to sleep with her. When I awoke the second time, I found I was surprisingly rested after such a night.
Just like every other morning, I awoke to the smell of Spike’s cooking. I couldn’t put my hoof on today’s breakfast. It smelled a lot like pancakes, but not quite. I trotted into the kitchen, eager to see what he was cooking. However, I stopped when I saw Ace and Rainbow eagerly awaiting breakfast too.
“Do you always come over to Twilight’s for breakfast?” I asked Rainbow.
“Only when I’ve got news”
“So, what’s the news this time?”
Before Rainbow could reply, Ace silenced her with “Food now, story later”. This made us all laugh, even Spike. He then got perturbed by all the distractions, and banished us. We sat in the dining room, and awaited breakfast. He soon came out with two stacks of waffles, and then returned for more.
Ace and I then shared confused glances and said “Waffles? But how?”
“A waffle iron, what else?” Spike called from the kitchen.
Ace and I then laughed at our own stupidity. Spike came out with two more plates, and went back for the final. Just then, Twilight came down.
“Sleep well?” I asked her.
“Physically, yes, but I am so mentally taxed from all that happened last night, I can hardly think straight”
“I feel fine”
“That’s ‘cause you never thought straight in the first place” I couldn’t help but chuckle at this, warranting concerned glances from the other two ponies.
“So, what did you guys do last night?” asked Rainbow, sounding as if she were expecting an ‘egghead’ response.
“We had sex.” I responded, eyeing my waffles hungrily, but knowing I couldn’t start without Spike a second time.
“It was magical.”
“In more ways than one” I said, and chuckled.
“What made it magical? And why are you mentally taxed?” asked Ace.
“We removed our souls from our bodies, and apparently, the soul is the mind, so when the soul gets worn out, so does the mind. But, like I said, I feel fine.” I responded.
“Maybe you’re just a mindless drone.” Twilight said.
“Could a mindless drone come up with all those...” Before I could finish, Twilight silenced me with her hoof.
“They probably don’t want to know all that we did last night” she said, removing her hoof from my mouth.
“I do” replied Ace.
But, before I could go into great detail, Spike walked in with his batch. Before anybody else had even taken a bite, I had already eaten my first one. By the time everyone else had finished their first waffle, I had finished all of mine.
“Did you even taste it on the way down?” Twilight asked.
“Tasted it like I...” she quickly stifled me with a hoof.
“There are others still eating” she said, and refused to take her hoof from my mouth. When everyone else was finished, she removed her hoof.
“Overreact, much?” I asked “All I was gonna say was ‘Tasted it like I always do’. Geez.” She blushed so profusely then that it seemed her fur would be stained red. “Although” I mused “It did taste a lot like...” She quickly hoofed me, but I continued to talk behind her hoof. Her curiosity got the best of her, and she removed her hoof “...with a slathering of whipped cream...” she hoofed me again, grinning embarrassedly, obviously remembering that time from last night. Behind her hoof, my mouth still worked to create words. Eventually, I finished the lavish description of what I had tasted, and stopped talking. She removed her hoof from my mouth, and attempted to glare me into silence. It didn’t work. “Your hoof tastes nice” I remarked, letting a gigantic grin slap me across the face.This broke the tension between us, and she laughed. The other three were just sitting there, staring at us, waiting for us to be done.
“You two done horsing around?” Rainbow asked, obviously ready to tell her story.
“We finished that last night” I remarked, and got a stare from Twilight that would put Fluttershy’s to shame.
“Well, we finished first” Ace said, obviously proud.
“Is that an achievement?” I asked “I thought you always shot for longevity”
“Well, we, uh, you know...” he trailed off, his embarrassment showing in his now scarlet cheeks and broken speech.
“Alright, alright, tell your story. And do it fast, I think Twilight’s trying to burn a hole in me with her eyes.”
This got me a snicker from Twilight, and I couldn’t help but wonder where she was going to put that hole and what she would do with it afterwards.
“Well, we’re both fast, so we decided to race everywhere. This obviously got us everywhere fast, since neither of us likes losing. I decided to show him Cloudsdale. Of course, I forgot that he wasn’t born a pegasus, and wasn’t used to the thin air. He wound up fainting, and I had to dive to catch him. I wound up performing a sonic rainboom, and barely caught him before he hit the ground. He looked up at me and said ‘My hero. I think I owe you for saving my life.’ I asked him what he was going to do for me, but he just said he’d show me. He began kissing me, first on the lips, then slowly trailing down my body. He stopped to play with my nipples. I didn’t even know they could be pleasured, but it still sent shivers down my spine. When he moved on down to my vagina, he didn’t stop. He slid his tongue in and showed me a world of pleasure I had never known. It didn’t take me long to cum, and when I did, it shook my world. He seemed intent to give me another orgasm that way, but I stopped him. I pushed him over and mounted him. He was shocked that I would pleasure him to pleasure myself, but I owed him after that orgasm. However, he wouldn’t be satisfied that I would do all the work, so he rolled me over. He slid in, and I braced myself for the painful break I knew was coming. He stopped at the point of no return, but I told him to keep going, and I may never feel a more extreme pain in my life. But, after the pain faded, pleasure more intense than the pain came, and I couldn’t help but go slack jawed. His dick rubbing my insides in all the right ways. Oh my gosh, it was so intense I found myself cumming again in no time at all. I’ll never clop again.”
She then blushed profusely, realizing she had just been very open about her first time.
“Don’t worry, you’ll never have to clop again.” Ace said, looking at her seductively.
“Now, why aren’t you silencing them?” I asked Twilight.
“That’s one of their jobs”
“That was one sexy story” said Pinkie, who we hadn’t even noticed until now.
“Normally, I’d ask, but I’ve seen stranger” said Twilight, looking confusedly unconfused.
“I should throw a party! An ‘I lost my virginity’ party. But, it shouldn’t be my usual cakes and balloons and confetti. Something more... adult. Hmm...” she continued to ponder like this until her eyes lit up like a neon sign, and she dashed off.
“I guess I should tell everyone else” said Twilight, preparing herself to depart.
“I’ve got the perfect drink for this party!” squealed Rainbow, clapping her hooves together.
“Don’t you always?” asked Spike, uninterested.
“Lay off her.” Ace retorted “What are you going to bring?”
“Rum and spike, of course.”
“What’s spike?” Ace and I asked, equally confused.
“It’s like straight caffeine, only in soda form”
Ace and I tried to relate it to our world, something we could understand. He got there before me and exclaimed “Mountain Dew!”
“You guys have it where you come from, too?”
“Fuck yeah! Rum and mountain dew are my life blood. I drink that shit like it’s water.” They then shared an overly loud ‘Fuck yeah!’ and an epic brohoof. They then tore out of there as if their tails were on fire. Spike and I watched, unamused, as they almost ripped the door off its hinges.
“So, what’re you gonna bring?” I asked Spike, very curious as to what dragons drink.
“I might visit my dragon friends, see if I could get some Scale of the Dragon. That stuff is to die for.” With this, he left. This left me very confused, since I had no idea what to do. I could only think of one thing. I felt like Twilight for thinking this, but I thought it anyway. Research. So, I asked around for what kinds of liquor I could get in this world.
I walked around Ponyville, looking for any place that sold liquor. When I found none, I asked some ponies. Most didn’t know, but when I stumbled across a purple mare with berries for a cutie mark, she pointed me in the right direction. I stopped there, and found they had everything on Earth, and then some. I picked up a bottle of vanilla vodka, and asked for the soda store. He gestured with a hoof, looking at me like I was queer. I didn’t care, I had done this before, and with the orange cream soda and root beer I picked up at the soda place, my recipe was complete.
I trotted back to the library, and found a mixer in the back of the fridge, already chilled. Man, she was prepped for anything. I poured in equal parts of v. vodka, root beer, and orange cream, and shook thoroughly. I wound up with a lot, and I was glad. This drink wasn’t meant to last the entire party, just to get people tipsy enough to try something new. I took a sip, and was thrown back to the day when I first found the bottle of vodka in my dad’s cabinet. I had always loved experimenting, and this reminded me how fun that can be. I waited for Pinkie to arrive, expecting some sort of spiked punch. As I finished this thought, the door opened, and Pinkie trotted in, carrying a large basin between her and Twilight.
“What’s in the tub?” I asked, peering over the edge.
“Jungle Juice!” Pinkie bubbly replied.
“Sounds fun. I made an appetizer.”
“Spent your allowance already?” Twilight asked.
“Yeah, but I’m sure you’ll be pleased.” I let them taste the drink, and reveled in the glee that overtook them.
“That’s amazing!” Pinkie exclaimed, apparently already having tasted her brew, since a ruddiness spread across her cheeks.
“It is pretty good, but I don’t know if everypony will be so eager to try it.” I pondered this point for a small while, then poured most of the mixture back into the bottles the sodas came from, and poured the rest into red plastic cups, standing solo on the party table Pinkie had set up. We placed the tub next to the table, and dipped a ladle into it. We awaited the other guests, and the drinks they would bring. Twilight brought down some scotch and shot glasses. Fluttershy brought a tub of liquid she assured us was a gigantic margarita. Some woodland animals trotted in after, carrying the affirming glasses. Rarity arrived with a bottle of white wine, always a woman of high taste. Rainbow showed up with her rum and spike mix, and told us Ace may be late. Spike then arrived, slightly burned, holding a molten looking glass bottle of liquid. As Twilight comforted him, I took a sniff of the bottle. I swear I could have held a match over and had a small pyre. Apple Jack was next, carrying a few bottles of hard cider. Ace bolted in a few steps after her, carrying a bottle of Jager Meister.
“What took you so long?” I asked Ace.
“I had to get my bottle back from my dad. When he kicked me out, he made me leave it behind. Bastard.”
“Let the party begin!” exclaimed Pinkie, and the best party any world has ever seen or may ever see began. It began with just us, but other ponies trickled in, dropping off different drinks on the table. We wound up with everything from A to Z, and far too many more to list. This raucous party continued into the late night of the next day, and involved much drunk sex, a few fights, but one fight this world may never forget. It was not the words thrown around, but what happened because of those words.
In attempt to purge my system of poisons, I stepped outside. Always a good friend, Ace stepped out with me, clutching his bottle of Jager like a trophy wife.
“Couldn’t ya juss get cherself anuther bottle?” I managed to ask in between torrents of puke.
He looked at me, to his bottle, then back to me. “Du you know how long I’ve had thish bottle?”
“That’sh muh point.”
“You callin her old?”
“Old enuf” I said, reaching for it.
“Dude, naw.”
“C’mon”
“Hah nya nye!” He yelled in the foreign tongue he had learned. Since he was yelling in a language I couldn’t understand, I decided to return the favor.
“Kah neh!” I retaliated, feeling the words form and explode in my chest.
“Hah teh nya~a” he threw back.
This continued, sometimes one of us getting the upper hand, causing the other to back away until they fought back. This lead us out into a field, where the real magic happened.
“Kah nye nah!” I returned to one of his statements. A piece of earth lifted up and flung itself at him, but he dodged it.
“Yeh neh ye~” He retaliated, which caused a sudden, and very hard gust of wind to fly in my direction.
Our verbal argument turned into a slugfest between the elements, dust flying everywhere. At one point, I distinctly remember ripping up a huge chunk of earth, ready to crush his stubborn head, but having that smashed to bits by a very powerful ball of wind. Our respective elements clashed again and again, causing massive destruction to the field we were fighting in. Finally, I caught a gust of wind in the chest, but not before a saying I will always regret escaped my lips.
“Kah men ku” I said, and the earth folded in half, crushing him like a fly.
His final breath threw me back into a tree. It didn’t take me long to regain consciousness, but the blow had knocked the alcohol out of my system. I awoke to see a circle of ponies growing. I could hear wailing, but couldn’t put it on a certain pony. I rose unsteadily, weakened from the battering he gave me. I pushed through the crowd, and found Rainbow, near eyeless from the tears she had already shed onto the mound of meat that was my friend.
“You!” she screamed, in a rage that would have made the Hulk calm down. “How could you do this?”
“I didn’t mean to, I swear. I was drunk.”
“Just cuz you were drunk and didn’t mean to doesn’t bring him back.”
“You haven’t even let me try” I said, mentally knocking her silly. I left my body, and entered the pile that was him. When I entered it, my soul reformed him to suit me. Eventually, he stood there, lifelike. But, my work wasn’t done. I left the undead pony to go searching for his soul. It didn’t take me long, because I knew where I would find him. He sat where he had dropped his Jager bottle, crying as the pieces passed through his hooves. I put a hoof on his back, causing him to turn to me.
“Why would you do this to me?” he asked, not furious like Rainbow, but completely miserable. “And her...” he gestured at the pieces strewn on the ground.
“I wish I could tell you I could bring her back, but I can bring you back”
“I don’t want to return to the world of the living if it means I have to abandon her.”
“What about her?” I asked, pointing a transparent hoof at Rainbow, who was still trying to coax an answer out of Ace’s body.
It was then that he remembered the carnal pleasures that could not be fulfilled by a broken bottle. I couldn’t even see him, he moved so fast. I took my time, and when I got there, I found the two mid coitus. This, of course, aroused everypony else. And, since everypony in Ponyville had come to the party, and everypony at the party had come to watch us fight, everypony in Ponyville became aroused. Looks of lust shot to other ponies in the crowd. Some were heterosexual, some, not so much. I searched the crowd for Twilight, and found her, sweating from the heat of a thousand bodies in motion, drowned in the musk of colt and mare. I grabbed her, and we added to the massive orgy. I don’t recall what happened after, but I know I eventually passed out.
I woke up in the morning to a strange scent. I quickly placed it on the grey folds my snout was buried in. Luckily, it seemed like Twilight was the only one I fucked, since my dick was still sitting at her entrance. My ears then caught the strangest sound. Moaning. Not being tortured moaning, but pleasured moaning. Was someone still fucking?
The answer was yes. Atop a glorious pile of passed out, cumstained ponies sat Ace and Rainbow, still going as if they would never end. I felt the strangest sense of pride swell in my chest. I followed my sex drunk mind back to the library, and found the shelves covered in a tarp, and Spike nursing his half molten, half empty bottle of Scale of the Dragon.
“Good idea, putting up these tarps” I commented.
“Why are you congratulating me? It was your idea.”
“Really? Well, I knew I had a bad memory, but that’s ridiculous.”
“It was two days ago...” he said, taking a sip of his drink.
“Spike, dear, pass me more of that holy liquor.” called a mysterious voice from behind one of the toppled statues. Spike set it down, and slid it in her direction. Rarity’s head soon came out from behind the statue, her throat struggling to down as much of the intoxicant as she could.
“I hope you two had fun last night” I commented, hoping Spike finally got some.
“Oh, you bet” Spike replied. “We tried every position in the book. I was in so many of her holes. Gosh, it was great.”
“Oh, yes, his dragon dick was so much hotter than I could have ever imagined. It almost burned my insides. But it was so worth it.”
Having heard enough, I retired to my room, planning to let my battered, broken, bruised, and boned body rest while I went and gave Twilight a piece of my mind, literally. However, when I got there, she said she was sore, so we sat there, watched Rainbow and Ace go through the day in carnal pleasure, and chatted.
“Do you think she’s sore?” I asked after a while.
“I can only imagine, but the pain is probably numbed by his dick.”
“How does sex feel?”
“Why are you asking? You should know.”
“No, I meant what does it feel like on your end?
“Oh, that makes much more sense. It’s like” she paused, searching for the right words. “I can’t explain it.”
“You know who could?”
“Who?”
“Starswirl.”
“But he’s dead.”
“His works aren’t” she then turned to me as if I had just proved that we were constantly in motion, and that the planet never actually moved.
“We have to try this.” she said, lewd wonder forming a seductive grin.
And so, we teleported to the Starswirl wing, and began our frantic search to find the key to ultimate pleasure. We found everything from ‘Asymptomatic Arthritis’ to ‘Zoological Cures to Everything’, but nothing on gender change. We even tried stitching different spells together, but that just wound up with misformed genatalia. We were about to give up hope when a scroll appeared out of thin air. We opened it and began the next hunt. A treasure hunt.
The scroll read: ‘On the borders of Griffin territory, in an old farmhouse, you shall find a bear rug. In his mouth will be your next clue -Starswirl’
We tried to figure out a way to get there, but couldn’t figure it out. Teleportation was out of the question, since we didn’t know what the place looked like. We couldn’t walk, since griffin territory was more than a week’s walk away, and then we’d have to find the house, and didn’t even know if it was still on the border, since the border was always shifting.
“Confound it all!” I cried, and threw myself on the impeccably clean floor.
This motion disturbed the scroll, and something fell out of it. It was a picture of a farmhouse. We realized what this meant, and teleported ourselves to this house. As guaranteed by Starswirl, we found an old bearskin rug, almost bald with age, and inside its mouth was the next scroll.
‘This is the farm where I worked to pay for magic college. A grand mage must start somewhere, right? They needed someone skilled to defend against the warring factions. In that time, Equestria wanted some of the Griffin land, and the Griffins wanted some of Equestria’s land. As such, they were at constant war. This simple homestead was a key point between the two nations. Here, I learned to not have any mercy in defending those I loved. Yes, I loved them. It’s true, I started here for the money, but I came to know and love them. I saw days when a massive Griffin army came charging at this humble home. I stood between the house and the Griffins and fought them off with everything I could muster. I saw other days when Equestrians would be so caught up in a charge they forgot this place. I was the only thing that could keep this farm from being trampled. In this place, I fought and killed both ponies and griffins. Nothing could keep me from defending those I love. It shouldn’t stop you, either. The next scroll is here. -Starswirl’
We looked at the picture laying on the ground, a gigantic tree in the middle of a courtyard. Before we teleported, though, I asked Twilight what she thought about this scroll.
“It’s beautiful, honestly. I never knew I knew so little about Starswirl himself. I have most of his works memorized, but this makes him seem like a completely new pony.”
“I’m fairly sure almost no one knows this about him. Should we save the scroll?”
“No, I think we should leave it here. Not everypony needs its guidance.” With that sentiment, we teleported to this tree.
We arrived in a campus courtyard, beneath a blossoming cherry tree. In one of its branches was a hint of white. I pulled it down, unfurled it, and heard his words, preserved through the ages on nothing but simple animal hide.
‘This cherry tree is in a more secluded part of the campus, as you may have noticed. I went to school here, and this is where I discovered more about myself than magic. Sure, they had great things to teach, but I learned just that much more about myself. I found I was different. I was hardly twenty six years old and had a beard that would double as a broom without me bending over an inch. All the other ponies laughed, and I felt downright downtrodden. Then, I found this tree, so beautiful in such a desolate section. It showed me that in even depressing situations, your true, inner skills can persevere. The next time I felt the sting of ‘Hairy’ or ‘Walking Broom’, I remembered this tree and replied thus: “I am Starswirl the bearded. I hear your jeers, but I could care less. A beard is a sign of wisdom, and the fact that I have one proves I am more mature than you and your pathetic jokes.” So many ponies’ jaws hit the floor, I think it shook the foundation of the entire building, and we were on the fifth floor. Your next scroll is here. -Starswirl’
A picture of a large hospital in old Canterlot style fell to the floor.
“Do you think he’s still here, trying to teach us lessons he had to learn the hard way?” I asked, suddenly getting a chill.
“There’s only one way to find out.”
We teleported to the location, only to find that the picture was really old, and now inaccurate. In the picture, the place was intact. We entered the burned husk of a building, kicking up dust in a place that smelled strongly of death and souls not yet departed. On a shelf, looking completely out of place, sat an immaculately white scroll. We opened it, and heard the same voice reaching across the ages.
‘This is the hospital where I was born. Here, I found the power of love. My mother gave birth to me, but promptly fell ill. My father sat there for a year, never leaving her side. The nurses began to treat him like a patient, giving him food, washing him, even changing his bed pan. I taught myself to walk, with little help from the nurses, even though they treated me like the hospital pet. At five, I was still in the hospital, and learned to talk. I asked one of the nurses why I was here. She told me that my father and mother were very sick. She took me to the room where they were, and I expected both of them to be bedridden. Instead, all I found was a husk of a woman and an emotional wreck of a man. I had absolutely no emotional connection to them, and promptly left. I never saw them again. I attended public school, fed myself by acting cute and helpless. By my teen years, I found out that didn’t work anymore. I begged my way through life until I could get a job, and I took the first one I could get, even if I could easily die there. Your next scroll is here. -Starswirl’
The picture was of a seared field. We had no idea what this could mean, but we knew we must.
“I’m starting to think these really will tie into something later.” I said, feeling very creeped out.
“I don’t see how this one could. ‘The power of love’. He basically said love is tragic.”
“I’m sure Ace can tell you this rings true.” I said, knowing he always bounced between women, and wound up crushed at the end of each one. She just eyed me suspiciously and teleported. I followed suit.
We found ourselves on a lush green field with a small cottage, completely different from the one in the picture. Stuck in the ground at our hooves was a glass bottle. We picked it up, and read the scroll inside.
‘When I had finished college, I contracted a severe case of wanderlust. This carried me far and wide, until I came across this field, charred like everything was in that time. I came by here after Celestia banished Luna to the moon, but during the period where she could not bring the night properly. Every field in Equestria was singed, and ponies resorted to carnivorism, and eating the berries that grew in the only shaded place in Equestria, the Everfree Forest. I saw this field, and realized that too much of a good thing could have destructive results. I had already seen this, in my father’s case, but this was the blatant truth. But then, I saw a bud of life. It was a tiny little thing, barely even able to poke through the parched earth. I saw that even in the most severe conditions, life will continue on. So, I helped the little thing out. I watered him, and shaded him, and whether it was due to magic or just simple stubbornness, the small sprout grew to a full tree in no time at all. Every year, it shed some branches, like a bird molts, and I used these fallen branches to build myself a cottage. One day, I stepped out of my cottage, and the tree was gone. No stump, no hole, just gone. So, I resumed my wandering. -Starswirl’
What fell out was a picture of a tree. It was not a normal tree, since it had legs and a gently smiling mouth.
“So, either we’re going to find a scroll in a tree, or we’re going to talk to a tree.” Twilight mused.
“I hope it’s the latter.”
We teleported, and found ourselves bathed in true darkness. There’s nighttime dark, lights just went out dark, pitch black, can’t see your hoof in front of your face dark, and then there’s true dark. It was so dark I began to doubt the existence of a sun. Then, when I thought it could get no creepier, a voice old as the hills and slower than molasses in January came out of this impenetrable black.
“Starswirl, is that you, old friend?”
“We are but his students.” I replied, albeit shakily.
“Hmm, I thought that was his magic. But, I guess if he teaches you, he must have taught you some of his spells. Now, what are you two here for?”
“He sent us here on a journey through his past. We just came from a field where he said he helped you grow” she said this, and had a bright idea.
She caused a light to emanate from her horn. I immediately wished she hadn’t. What sat before us was an age old oak, trunk scarred from who knows what. There was a crack that I could only assume was his mouth. This crack was set into an everlasting pleasant smile. His eyes, or what I thought were eyes, were a deep amber color, looking like some of his sap had leaked out and had set as globes in hollows set equidistant from a bulbous growth right above his ‘mouth’. His old, gnarled hands rested on his knees. The massive legs were folded underneath him, and didn’t look like they’d move, even if they could. Atop his head sat a tangle of branches, some sticking out at odd angles, others clinging to old bird nests. I felt an extreme sense of awe wash over me, followed by one of dread. Who knew what those massive oaken arms could do, even if they were extremely slow? As soon as I had had this thought, I elbowed Twilight, who quickly extinguished her light.
“I see he has taught you well. The old stallion taught you everything he knows, I bet. For, you two show up not only with his teleportations, but also as your true selves, your souls. But, you came here for his past, so I will tell you. What do you already know?”
“We have seen the homestead he defended in the Equestrian-Griffin wars. We saw the college where he learned, the hospital where he was born, and the field where you were born.” I said, trying to keep the fear from my voice.
“I will tell you his story. You may think I don’t know anything about Starswirl before he wandered, but I know from before then. You see, when he was running around the hospital, he inadvertently picked up a seed. I sat there, happy on his shin. I lived his life with him. I saw his heart hardened by his father. I saw him reject all friends in school. I saw him begging on the streets after school. I wanted to tell him to make some friends, that they would help him out, but I couldn’t, I was just a seed. I watched him tough through this life of his without a bit to his name until he became an adult. When he achieved that, his life started looking up. He defended the homestead with a vigorous love he had been unable to exhaust on a family or marefriends. Then, he got into college. He was harassed day in and day out. I saw him see the desolate courtyard with the still blooming cherry tree. I heard him make his declaration. I saw him graduate college as the valedictorian, with ‘Most likely to succeed’ dropped on him as well. He then wandered. When I saw him begin to fall apart at that field, I dropped off and sprouted. This convinced him that there will always be a new beginning. But, he settled down. I had not wanted this, knowing wandering was his destiny. So, I left. I do not know what happened after that, but one day I decided to track him down. Many ponies were afraid of me, so I could not get an answer out of them. But, when they heard ‘Starswirl’ they just pointed me towards the Canterlot library. I found him there, his beard dusting the millions of tomes he read. When I entered, he displayed not fear, but love. I was there when he first died, then there when he found a way to bypass death. I heard his revelation that death was not final, but still a necessary end. He had realized that all things must one day end. Then, he died. I kept him by my side. Strangely, he has not rotted or decayed at all.”
“May we see him?” I asked as I tried to digest all of this information.
“You may. You may also want to be able to see.”
So, we lit our horns, and followed him deeper into this nigh impenetrable dark. After many miles and more than our fair share of brambles, we came to a stone tomb. We all stopped at the entrance.
“I can go no further.” The ancient tree said.
“Typical of a cryptic guardian. He can’t enter the place he guards.” I commented.
“This time, I really can’t. It’s not anything like a magic spell, or even my own guilt. It’s simply physical. I am too large.”
“Then how’d he get in there?” Twilight asked, now skeptical of whether or not he was there when Starswirl died.
“It was his last spell. This used to be a ditch. When he died, his spirit told me to leave. When I did, he erected this tomb.”
“How do you know he’s not rotting?” Twilight asked, still suspecting his lies.
“I’m part fungus, and fungi can sense the rotting.”
“That’s actually quite handy.” I said, thinking of all the uses for a power like that.
As I was thinking this, Twilight dragged me into the dank crypt. We were immediately greeted by the must of age. In this old tomb, scrolls basically were the walls. It was a classic tomb, a few stories stair stepping down to a grand chamber where a great hero usually enjoyed endless sleep.
“I think this place has more scrolls than the wing in Canterlot” mused Twilight as she dragged me down story after story, deep into the bowels of this planet.
Finally, we arrived in a chamber. At the end of it lay Starswirl. The floor was covered in what appeared to be a rug. On closer inspection, it was revealed to be pony hair. It all swirled and flowed in different direction, but it all eventually ended up at Starswirl’s chin.
“That is one hell of a beard” I said, snapped out of my daydream by the sheer stupendousness of what covered the floor.
Eager to feel it, I stepped onto the rug. Of course, I had forgotten two things. The first was the fact that I was a spirit and couldn’t feel anything. The second was that Starswirl was an immensely powerful being, and if he died twice, what kept him from still being alive? As soon as my hoof hit the hair, a shock of intense magic coursed through my veins. Then, as sure as I write this, Starswirl’s ‘corpse’ stood. He approached me and spoke in a voice that came from, and was, deeper than where we currently stood.
“Ye who have entered the tomb of Starswirl the Bearded, prepare to feel the wrath of the greatest unicorn that ever lived and ever will live!” he bellowed as he charged at me, preparing to gore me with his horn.
I then saw Twilight jump in front of me, but then feel the same paralyzing shock as I. Then, a voice came out of the dark.
“Stop, Swirl! I know these guys. I sent them here. They’re the company I told you to expect.”
Before he had even formed the second syllable, Starswirl ground to a halt, and ashamedly returned to his former position.
“Sorry about him” said the same voice. “I hope he didn’t scare you.” There was a flare of light, and we found we could move again.
“He scared us no more than your oak friend” I said, turning around to come face to face with Starswirl’s spirit.
“Well, I guess you got access to that wing. Do they have all my spells?”
“With all the ones we’ve found here, I’m fairly sure that’s a negative.” Twilight said, hardly getting over her glee at seeing Starswirl.
“Well, that’s sad. Since I know why you’re here, I might as well get you what you want. Put it in the wing when you’re finished with it.”
Twilight and I exchanged worried glances, and whispered to each other: “What did we come for again?” Starswirl then turned, laughing heartily.
“That’s a riot! First, you think I can’t hear everything you say, and second, you’ve forgotten what you came for. You two are the best thing that’s happened since I died.” Twilight and I blushed at this very strange compliment. “Well, here’s what you came for, even if you don’t remember coming for it.”
When Twilight read it, she blushed profusely. That clicked my memory back into place, and I had no reason to read the scroll.
“So, almighty one, why did you send us on such a journey?” He guffawed at ‘almighty one’, but calmed down enough to answer my question in a reasonable amount of time.
“My ‘life’ here is pretty dull, I just wanted to teach again. I hope you two took notes.” We all laughed at that until I broke through the noise with an awkward ‘no’.
He just looked at us, shocked. “No notes? But, how will you ever remember my lessons?” He looked so sad, I felt terrible, but Twilight piped up and cheered him right up.
“If we ever forget your lessons, we should be smote by the full unbridled power of the two princesses. Your lessons were very powerful, and put in a very meaningful way. A lesson like can’t be forgotten, no matter how much time passes. Those lessons are eternal.” By the time she finished her small speech, Starswirl was positively beaming.
“You two have made my day. Make your foray into the worlds of science, magic, and love with my blessing.” With that, Starswirl faded.
We walked up through the crypt, letting his words and his lessons sink in. When we finally got out, we said our farewells to our tree friend, who told us his name is Mordekai. We then teleported home, and got to witness the final orgasm of the most enduring couple ever to grace Equestria. But, that was probably the final one either of them were ever going to have. Twilight and I climbed up the mountain of cumstained ponies, most of who were beginning to move. We crested the top, seeing the couple that was a tribute to sex. Three days, nonstop. But, Twilight and I had a plot, and a mischievous one at that.
“So, which gender?” I asked her.
“I was thinking making them both male.”
“I dunno, Rainbow could still be being penetrated...” Twilight reread the scroll, and suddenly jabbed a hoof at a certain point. I looked, and grinned mischievously. Our horns flared, and when we left, we left no genatalia on either of them. We then found our bodies, reinhabited them, and went back home. We spent the night in each others’ arms, and awoke to screams of horror. We chuckled at this. “Looks like they found out.”
We walked downstairs to gemini genderless glares. “What the fucking fuck is wrong with you?”
“We should ask you. I mean, three days. It was for your own good. And maybe you’ll find that love is better for more than sex.”
“Okay, maybe we did go over the top, but this is reversible, right?”
“Yeah, but you might be a virgin afterwards.”
“Great, just great.”
We went downstairs to see about breakfast, but instead found an inebriated Spike in the arms of an equally wasted Rarity.
“I’m not gonna be makin anyfin thish mornin” he declared, belching a small plume of green flame.
“Oh, you’re making something, darling. You’re making this lady happy.”
So, we left the new, lewd couple to their sex-driven stupor, and went out for breakfast. Of course, we had forgotten that every pony in town had a hangover. So, we teleported to Canterlot. We enjoyed a hearty meal, and a healthy chat. Our talk drifted from topic to topic, from politics to Earth. It eventually landed on cutie marks. Rainbow and Twilight told us how they got their cutie marks, even though we already knew. They then asked about Ace’s cutie mark.
“It’s a pretty strange cutie mark, a pencil drawing a spade symbol” Twilight mused, earning nods of consent from Rainbow and I. “What does it mean?”
“Ever since I was a wee babby, I’ve seen the spade symbol as a symbol of stealth, and since I’m fairly sneaky, I earned the spade. The pencil simply signifies that I’m an artist. What about yours, Kiqo?” he asked, seeming eager to be free of the spotlight.
When the words ‘I don’t have one’ left my lips, I received stares from the other three as if I had just told them I was an octopus creature from Vargoth-9.
“You don’t have a cutie mark?” asked a stunned Rainbow.
“Nope, and may I never have one. I’m too accustomed to change to be pinned down onto one specific skill.” I said, idly scratching my flank.
“What do you mean, too accustomed to change?”
“I can’t stand regularity. It drives me insane. When I was in school, I would cause fights between people just to break the monotony. So, I just hope I never have a cutie mark.” Twilight, realizing how awesome it would be to not have a cutie mark, slumped down in her chair. Suddenly, she pointed at my flank.
“Hah, that’ll show you! Everypony has a cutie mark!”
I looked down, and sure as sugar, there was a cutie mark. I looked at it, and was dumbfounded. I have no idea how to even begin to describe it, but I had seen it before on the internet. It is an Adinkra symbol, Mmere Dane, the symbol of change. I absolutely adored this symbol as a kid, and had once tried to convince teachers that it was my actual name.
“Cool” I said, not exactly interested.
“All you’ve got to say is ‘cool’? That is so much more than cool. It’s spectacular, radical, awesome, uh... Dang it, there aren’t enough words in the dictionary to describe that mark.”
“I’ve got a few. You’ve got majestic, magnificent, wicked, mind blowing, impressive, tubular, terrific, fantastic, super, stupendous, phenomenal, wondrous, extra...” before I could rattle off all the synonyms for ‘cool’, Twilight silenced me with a hoof.
“Are you a living dictionary?” Rainbow asked, beginning to wonder the depths of my knowledge.
“I read a dictionary, and tried to commit it to memory, so pretty close.”
“You read a dictionary?” asked the other three, in a unison that would have disturbed the cutie mark crusaders.
“I was bored, and I had nothing else to do.”
“No books?”
“No exercise?”
“No internet?”
“I had read every book on my shelf, and it was storming outside, which meant the power was out and I couldn’t go outside, so...”
“You could have exercised inside”
“Woop dee doo, I could run in circles. Sounds like a blast”
“You could’ve sat in a corner and just let your mind run free.” Ace suggested.
“If you mean that literally, I didn’t have any magic then, and if you mean that figuratively, who says I didn’t?”
“You say you didn’t”
“No, all I said was I read a dictionary. The storm lasted for a good few days, so I had a lot of time on my hooves”
“I am so glad I wasn’t in town for that one, I probably would have been driven insane.”
“Yeah, I still wonder how many marbles that storm took.”
“So, you’re saying you’re not all there?” Twilight asked, concerned that she may have done a crazy person.
“I never was. From the age of around three, when I almost died from alcohol poisoning, I was never totally sane. But, sanity is for the weak.”
“You can’t be insane, you just admitted it.” Ace observed, pointing out a classic stereotype.
“No, that’s just a stereotype. I was actually diagnosed, but didn’t let that have an impact. I hear voices, but I’ve learned to tune them out. Insanity can be awfully fun if you let yourself sink far enough in, but if you learn to keep afloat, you can keep up a facade of sanity.”
“So, you’re definitely insane?” Twilight asked.
“Oh, yes. Without a doubt. I just put on a mask, and tell most everyone I’m fine.”
“You’re slipping into egghead talk again” Rainbow pointed out.
“Oh, sorry. It’s hard to manage such an assortment of fake faces”
“Wait, you’re insane and all fake?” Twilight asked, worrying that our love was a game.
“Not all fake, just hidden. But, don’t worry, my love for you is one hundred percent, grade A, all natural, from the soul.”
“So, what don’t we know about you?”
“It’s easier to list what you actually know. Ace here knows a lot about me, but even he has been fooled by some of my fake faces.”
“Wait, so you haven’t always been honest with me? What have you lied about?”
“Remember when I said your sister was pretty?”
“Remember when I said yours was pretty?”
“But I don’t have a sister”
“Exactly”
“How long have you two known each other?” Twilight asked, observing our banter with amusement.
“Forever” Ace responded.
“Not quite, but it feels like that. It was long ago, in the days of yore. I can’t remember when we met exactly, though”
“The specifics don’t matter, all that matters is that we grew close as brothers”
“I think we’ve grown closer”
“You guys are starting to creep me out” Rainbow said, attempting to scoot away from what could have easily been seen as gay sex waiting to happen.
Ace noticed his arm around my neck, blushed profusely, and then attempted to defend his preference. “I’m not like that, Rainbow. I mean, he’s a cool guy, but... Wait, I don’t have any genitals. And, if I don’t have any genitals, I don’t have a gender. If I don’t have a gender I can’t be gay!” He then tore off through town shouting ‘I can’t be gay!’ all the way.
“Is he always this excitable?”
“Not often, but sometimes”
“I’m going to go try to catch him. Or it. Whatever.” Rainbow said, stretching her wings, and taking off in a huff.
When she was nothing more than a cyan dot in the distance, Twilight and I chuckled and walked back to the library. She thought we should give them their genders back, but I pointed out how much fun this was. We argued about this for awhile, and settled on a way to compromise. Of course, we had to tell the other lovebirds, and they were still off running around.
We opened the library door, and saw an unfamiliar sight. Nopony in sight. Even Spike had disappeared. Since it had to be done, we cleaned up the library, picking up solo red plastic cups, and scrubbing the various body fluids from the tarps. When all that was clean, we took down the tarps, stashing them away for another party. When we did so, we found Spike and Rarity. They lay in each other’s arms, just sleeping. We gently moved them outside, trying to not wake them. When we did, the other pony pair showed up. We invited them in and told them our plan.
“So, you two are without genitals due to us” said Twilight, addressing the two genderless ponies before us.
“But, we’re having a lot of fun at your expense” I said, following up on queue.
“So, we’ve got a proposition”
“Either we give you genitals now, but they may not be yours”
“Or, you spend a month genderless and you get your genitals then”
“What is your choice?” we asked in unison.
The other two looked at each other, and decided upon a hushed, hurried conversation.
“We’ll take the first option” said Rainbow, speaking for both of them.
Twilight and I grinned at each other, and our horns flared. When the magic subsided, we were both fairly tired, but the other two seemed very excited.
“Yahoo!” Ace yelled, though he quickly slapped his hooves over his mouth when he realized his voice was high pitched and feminine.
“That was part of the deal” said Rainbow, who then mimicked Ace when she heard her usual feminine voice.
That was when they checked themselves, and found both of themselves women.
“What’s the big idea?” yelled an outraged and effeminate Ace
“We said they may not be yours”
“We never said your genders would be switched”
With this news, they shared a defeated glance. They left the library, chatting about how their lives would be different with their new equipment. I thought I heard something about scissors, but I couldn’t be sure.
“You know, finishing each other’s sentences like that was awfully fun” said Twilight.
“I’m so glad we can hear each other’s thoughts”
“No secrets from here on out, right?”
“Right”
We continued through the day, hearing each other’s thoughts, finishing each other’s sentences, and wound up that night in each other’s arms. We slept so peacefully that night, not knowing that Ace and Rainbow were having a night of terror and memory, peace nowhere to be found.
Suffocating. That’s the only word to fit the situation. Two ponies shoved in a space barely big enough for one pony. Then, the roof starting coming down on us. I saw my life flash before my eyes. It all started with a phone call.
Ace
“No more Giovanni. You can do your own damn dirty work. I quit.” I laid my gun on the Don’s desk and turned to leave, but was stopped by the click of a hammer being pulled into position.
“I can’t let you do that, David. You know far too much.” I turned to see him pointing my own gun at my forehead. “Goodbye, David. It was a pleasure.” Ring! Ring!
I was ripped from sleep by my phone ringing. I rose groggily and located it. “Hello?”
“David?”
“Yeah?”
“It’s over. I found someone else. I found I’m a lesbian. Goodbye.” Click.
Her words rang in my head. Just like every other woman I had ever dated, left me for a woman. That was the last straw. I dug the old dummy out of my closet. I had had a friend make it, an exact replica of myself, for just such an occasion. I dug out the rope as well, and tied a noose. I had done this so many times before, but never followed through. Now, Will had dropped off the face of the known Earth, and he was my last tie to this forsaken rock. I stood the dummy on a chair, and balanced it as I tied the stout rope off on a rafter. I knocked the chair over, making it look as if the dummy had done it. I got dressed and left the house, leaving the keys on the counter, and taking one last glance at the dummy. So lifelike.
I headed down to the wash where we had spent most of our teen years, doing every teen activity in the book save sex. I wandered the deep channel, wondering which hole Will was in. Then I remembered our old cubbyhole. I had named it ‘The Den’ since it honestly looked like a coyote den. When I got there, I found signs of him, but not him. I decided to check out the labeled tunnels I had seen on the way up here. One was ‘Desolation’, the other ‘Nyth’. I decided to try Nyth first, since ‘Desolation’ was very foreboding.
When I crawled through the tunnel, I thought I would find some underground club or something, but instead I found a red moonlit plane. I chuckled, realizing he had mislabeled the tunnels. This one was obviously desolate. I quickly left, not wanting to stay where he was not for very long at all.
So, I tried the real Nyth, which had been mislabeled ‘Desolation’. I crawled through and found myself bathed in a bioluminescent glow. I looked down, and saw a crowd of strange creatures hardly five feet at maximum.
“Hello” I said, hoping they spoke my language.
“Hello?” one of them sounded out, struggling through the obviously foreign language.
“You don’t speak English, do you?” I had not expected a reaction much further than confusion, but they all took off in various directions, and I heard windy whispers ring throughout the small village of holes. Eventually, they came back, another villager in tow.
“Hello.” she said, surprisingly fluently. “Who are you, and why are you here?”
“I’m David, and I’m looking for a friend. He looks like me, except he’s thin as a stick.”
“Hmm, I have not heard of your friend. Now, about your name. I do not care for it. I shall call you Shneero. I don’t care if you don’t like it, that’s what I will call you.”
She then turned from me to the others around her, who were asking her what I could only assume were millions of questions. Eventually, she silenced them with a quick few syllables in her tongue.
“Alright, they have some questions for you. But, they have too many for me to bother with being the medium. Therefore, I will teach you our language.”
And so she did. It was like English, except warped to sound like you were just emphasizing your breathing. I picked it up fairly easily, since I had always had a knack for breathing.
“Alright”, I said in their windy tongue “I understand you folks have some questions?”
I was immediately assaulted with a barrage of breathy words. Then, the woman who taught me repeated her silencing syllables, which I now understood as ‘Shut the fuck up’.
“He’s still new to this language, so one at a time!”
One little hand shot up. “Yes?” I asked, their tongue feeling very strange on mine.
“Where did you come from?”
“I came from Earth.”
“What’s that like?”
“It’s very diverse. Where I live, it’s so hot, sometimes I think we have three suns.”
This sent a collective murmur rippling through the midget crowd. I continued answering each of their questions, and even got to ask my own. I found that they literally had three suns, and they were all nocturnal. Then, I remembered why I had come here.
“It’s been a pleasure, you guys, but I really must be going. My friend’s waiting.”
I was met by a collective goodbye, and turned back to my world. As I stepped out, I saw a flash of dull gold from further down the wash. I quickly followed it, hoping that was Will’s unkempt mane. It disappeared into a tunnel, whose label I didn’t read, since I wanted to rejoin my friend. Ahead of me, I could’ve sworn I heard hoofbeats, but blamed that on the echo effect in the tunnel. The sound of him drew farther and farther away, and I eventually had to turn on my flashlight.
I eventually came upon two small horses about to start fucking. They were in a very human position, missionary instead of ‘horse style’. The male suddenly embraced me, alarming me with his rock-hard boner.
“David!”
“A talking pony” I thought out loud, letting all the pieces fall into place. Finally, the puzzle made the picture. Equestria. “But, how do you know my name?” I asked the dull gold colt.
“Fill me in, too.” commented a purple pony I placed as Twilight Sparkle.
“Twilight, this is my lifelong friend David. David, it’s me, Will. I kinda left Earth for a better place.”
I was dumbfounded, both that my friend had found Equestria and that he was also now a pony. I recovered from my stupor, and asked him how he became a pony. He then told me his tale, followed by asking me how I came to be here.
“Well, Will, or should I start calling you Kiqo, to avoid everyone else’s confusion?”
“Kiqo would be ideal”
So, I told him my tale, omitting a few details, but keeping it fairly true.
“Sounds like you had a much more pleasurable time with your relations with extra-planar beings than I did” he said huffily.
“So, would it be possible for me to get one of these cool transformation thingies?” I asked, knowing Twilight would be the one to do it. However, she had other plans.
“Why don’t you try this time?” she asked him.
So, after a quick lesson, he began to cast. It shone with power I never thought achievable, then, it hit me. I was crushed into a blob of meat, then reformed into a jet black pony with a dark blonde mane. When I reformed, he passed out.
“He’s good” I mused.
“He was so much faster. Oh well, the student must eventually surpass the master. I’m going to take him back to the library. Come by for breakfast tomorrow.”
She set off for the library, and I went in the other direction. I was immediately stopped by a cyan mare with a rainbow mane.
“Hey, handsome. I’m Rainbow Dash. What’s your name?”
I pondered this for a moment, knowing that Kiqo was allowed a name change, and I should be too. “Grafite. Ace Grafite.”
“Quite an introduction.” She eyed me, and said “You look like a fast one. Race you to that pole.” She gestured with a hoof. I doubted my endurance, but it didn’t seem too far. “Ready, set, and go!”
She took off, and I was close on her tail, which was not such a bad sight. She reached the pole a split second before me.
I huffed, and managed to say: “You’re really fast.”
“So are you. Although you’re lacking in the endurance department. Train with me?”
Relishing a chance to train with my favorite pony, I gave her a definite yes. So, my training began. It was mostly running, but with barely any breaks, it was very exhausting. In the beginning, I had barely been able to trot for more than a minute straight, but now I was able to sprint for about five minutes before passing out. She had me do one more run before lunch, and I decided to really push myself. I took off at top speed and didn’t stop until my legs made me. I wound up tripping over my front legs, but managed to not eat dirt. It was then that I became aware of a little muscular effort happening on my back. I looked back and saw not only a shocked Rainbow but a pair of wings sticking out of my back. I flew back to her, and received not only congratulations on record time, but on growing wings. We headed down to the cafe and had a nice meal accompanied by a lengthy chat and a plan. Our plan was this: get me fast enough to perform a sonic boom. When we finished our meal, we headed out for more training. By the time dinner rolled around, I was doing aerial tricks that had even Rainbow’s jaw on the floor. We had dinner together, even though I felt guilty for spending her bits. When we finished there, we headed out to see if I couldn’t break a few windows.
I flew up until it became hard to breathe, then rocketed towards the ground, feeling the wind whip my mane out behind me. I finally heard the sound barrier break, and then realized I was about to face plant. I quickly deflected, unintentionally making a bicolor check mark. I landed next to Rainbow, who congratulated me heartily.
I felt the time was right, so I brought up the courage to say what I had on my mind.
“I love you, Rainbow.” I gulped after I said that, fearing rejection or possibly homosexuality on her end.
“I am so glad you said that first. I knew I would never get up the guts to say it first.”
“Oh, come on!” I said, having let my daydream interfere with reality. “Wait, what?”
“I love you, Ace” she said with a giggle. “So, spend the night at my place?”
“Sure”
We flew up to a small house floating above Ponyville on a cloud. She suggested I sleep in her bed, but I had to refuse, since in every relationship where I had rushed it had ended a lot faster than normally. She seemed disappointed, so I gave in. We didn’t do anything, but it’s nice to sleep in somepony’s arms nonetheless. When we woke up, we headed over to Twilight’s library, eager to share the news. We knocked, and Spike answered.
“Come on in, you guys. I’ll just whip up some more pancakes. Go ahead and take a seat in the dining room.”
We did, and decided to chat while we waited for everyone else to awake. We didn’t have to wait long, though. As soon as Spike brought out our pancakes, Kiqo levitated out of the spare bedroom, led by his nose. He stopped when he saw us, and sat with us.
“I see you two hit it off fairly well” he said, always being captain obvious. “What happened after I passed out?”
Rainbow proceeded to tell our story, and I blushed when she told him about how I confessed to her, hoping he wouldn’t be angry at me for bouncing into another’s arms. Just then, Spike walked in with two more plates of pancakes.
“So, there are two new couples?” Spike asked.
“I guess you heard about us, then?” Kiqo returned.
“Just like every pony in Ponyville” was Spike’s answer.
“I guess I am a bit of a loudmouth” said Twilight, who was coming down from the loft.
“At least it wasn’t one of the other two lovebirds” Kiqo said, fitting so many pancakes in his mouth I thought he would gag. Obviously what he hadn’t told me he did when he got fired was paying off now.
Spike came back with his pancakes, and noticed Kiqo’s empty plate. He was obviously hungry, because I have never seen puppy dog eyes like that before. Kiqo obviously was still a nice guy, and told Spike he was full. I didn’t believe him for a second, since I knew he still had two hollow legs and a metabolism faster than Rainbow and I combined. We said our goodbyes when we finished, and thought about what to do next. We settled on some more training, pushing ourselves to our very limit. We trained until lunch, lunched, and then began a race.
We plotted the course, let it snake through Ponyville, the Whitetail Woods, over the Everfree Forest, and end in Cloudsdale. We zoomed down our course, staying neck and neck most of the way. We took off for Cloudsdale, and I was forced to remember that I couldn’t breathe so high up. I fainted, and could only think of how wonderful it was to know Rainbow Dash. However, when I woke up, I was not dead, but in heaven. Rainbow had caught me, and I felt I owed her.
“My hero. I think I owe you for saving my life.”
“What are you going to do for me?”
“It will be easier to show you” I said, silencing any further questions with my lips.
I then moved down her body, stopping at her nipples for a little bit of tweaking. I kept going, and reached her pussy. I briefly wondered if anypony had ever tried oral before, but decided if they had, I would follow, and if they hadn’t, I would start a trend. With that thought gone, I plumbed her scarlet depths with my tongue, granting her an orgasm in no time at all. I paused for breath, then prepared for another dive into her inviting warmth. However, she stopped me, pushed me over onto my back, and mounted me.
“You’d pleasure me to pleasure yourself?” I asked her, still thinking I owed her for my life.
“That orgasm was amazing. I owe you now.”
“Well, I can’t let you do all the work.”
“I’m alright with that.”
I rolled her over and entered her marehood. I stopped at what I had dreaded, and looked at her for the okay. She gave me that and I pushed on, hoping her tears of pain would be turned to tears of pleasure. As I rolled in and out, my hopes were realized. She began to moan in absolute bliss, and I went faster and faster, until our pleasure peaked and I released deep inside her.
“Wow, my first time. Better than all the pornos the Cloudsdale adult bookstore could ever offer” she said, still occasionally twitching from her orgasm.
“Well, don’t worry, you won’t need those anymore” I assured her, knowing I would be happy to do that again.”
“Spend the night at my place, stud?”
“Sure.”
So, I spent the second night in my dream pony’s arms. I woke in the morning to find her already awake, up and about. She told me we were going to head over to Twilight’s to share the news, and I consented. We headed down, and Spike answered the door. The same as last time, we got there before everyone else was awake. We sat in the kitchen, chatting until everyone else woke up. It didn’t take long for Kiqo to come down for breakfast. He met us in the kitchen, and obviously wanted conversation.
“Do you always come over to Twilight’s for breakfast?” he asked Rainbow.
“Only when I have news”
“So, what’s the news this time?”
“Food now, story later” I cut in, hoping to postpone her story for at least a little while.
This made everyone laugh, even Spike. Black smoke began to wisp from what he was cooking, and he banished us to focus on what he was doing. We left him alone, and sat in the dining room to wait. We didn’t have to wait long, since Spike soon came out with two stacks of waffles.
I glanced with confusion at Kiqo, then asked with him: “Waffles? But how?”
“A waffle iron, how else?” Spike answered.
Kiqo and I then laughed at our own stupidity. Spike came in with two more plates, then went back for his.
“Sleep well?” Kiqo asked Twilight, who had just come down.
“Physically, yes, but I am so mentally taxed from all that happened last night I can hardly think straight” Twilight said, flopping down at the small table.
“I feel fine” Kiqo replied.
“That’s ‘cause you never thought straight in the first place.”
He chuckled at this, and I glanced at him worriedly.
“So, what did you guys do last night?” Rainbow asked, and I knew she expected an ‘egghead’ response.
“We had sex” said Kiqo.
“It was magical”
“In more ways than one” said Kiqo with another chuckle.
“What made it magical?” I couldn’t help but ask. “And why are you mentally taxed?” I added.
“We removed our souls from our bodies, and apparently, the soul is the mind, so when the soul gets worn out, so does the mind. But, like I said, I feel fine.” Kiqo replied.
“Maybe you’re just a mindless drone” Twilight suggested.
“Could a mindless drone come up with all those-” before he could finish that thought, Twilight put a hoof over his mouth to silence him.
“They probably don’t want to know all that we did last night” she said, removing her hoof.
“I do” I said, honestly wanting to know.
But, before he could begin, Spike walked in with his waffles. I hardly had time to savor one delicious waffle before Kiqo had wolfed his.
“Did you even taste it on the way down?” Twilight asked, taking the question right off my lips.
“Tasted it like-” she muted him with a hoof before he could say something possibly sexual.
“There are others still eating” she said, and left a grumpy, hoofed, and digesting Kiqo there until the end of the meal.
“Overreact, much?” he asked when he was able. “All I was going to say was ‘Tasted it like I always do’. Geez.” Twilight then took on the appearance of a tomato. “Although, it did taste a lot like-” She hoofed him, and I was glad. He could get pretty vulgar at times. However, she soon removed her hoof. “-with a slathering of whipped cream-” she swiftly silenced him again, grinning embarrassedly. She seemed confident that he was finished, and removed her hoof again.
“Your hoof tastes nice” he said, grinning in the same stupid way that he always had when I was angry at him. Apparently, it holds its charm across worlds, since Twilight forgot her nigh tangible anger and laughed with him.
“You two done horsing around?” Rainbow asked, noticeably eager to tell her story.
“We finished that last night” Kiqo said, bringing the return of Twilight’s anger.
“Well, we finished first” I bragged.
“Is that an achievement? I thought you always shot for longevity.” Kiqo replied.
“Well, we, uh, you know...” I decided to give up the defense attempt before I dug myself a deeper hole.
“Alright, alright, tell your story. And do it fast, I think Twilight’s trying to burn a hole in me with her eyes.”
Twilight snickered, Kiqo gulped, and Rainbow plunged headfirst into her first time tale.
“I may never clop again” she finished, suddenly blushing.
“Don’t worry, you’ll never have to clop again” I said, trying to be seductive.
“Now, why aren’t you silencing them?” Kiqo asked Twilight.
“That’s one of their jobs”
“That was one sexy story” said Pinkie Pie, who we hadn’t noticed before.
“Normally, I’d ask, but I’ve seen stranger” said Twilight.
“I should throw a party! An ‘I lost my virginity’ party. But, it shouldn’t be my usual cakes and balloons and confetti. Something more... adult. Hmm...” she continued to ponder like this until she took off in a flash of pink, obviously having an idea.
“I guess I should tell everyone else” said Twilight, preparing to depart.
“I have the perfect drink for this party” squealed Rainbow.
“Don’t you always?” asked Spike.
“Lay off her” I defended. “What are you going to bring?”
“Rum and Spike, of course.”
“What’s Spike?” Kiqo and I asked.
“It’s like straight caffeine, only in soda form.”
I put everything together, and realized what it was. “Mountain Dew!”
“You guys have it where you come from, too?”
“Fuck yeah! Rum and Mountain Dew are my life blood. I drink that shit like it’s water.” We then shared a ‘Fuck yeah’ and a brohoof, and took off.
“Alright, I’m gonna mix up the drink. What are you gonna bring?”
“I’m gonna go back to my world and bring back a friend.”
“Ooh hoo hoo, sounds exotic.”
“It’s nothing special, but it’s symbolic.”
So, we parted ways, her to her house, me to my dad’s. I hated him, but he had my Jager. I had gotten that Jager for my eighteenth birthday. I was still mad at my dad for giving me that, then kicking me out and keeping it. But, he wouldn’t recognize me now, so I had the chance. I walked back through the tunnel. I then located by dad’s house. It wasn’t very hard. We had once moved to Marana, but he had moved back into our old house when he had kicked me out.
I walked out of the wash, and right up to his door. I was tempted to knock, but decided to buck it down instead. He was sitting there, watching TV, but turned around when I kicked his door in.
“What the fuck?”
“I came for my Jager!”
“You can fucking talk? And what Jager?”
“I can fucking talk, and I’m talking about your son’s Jager!”
“That Jager is the only link I still have to my son. I may have kicked him out, but that’s only because I love him.” He was drunk.
“Just give me the Jager and you don’t get hurt.”
“Alright, you genetic freak show. Catch.”
I barely caught it, but as soon as I stepped out the door, I heard his drunken run come after me. I took off, trying to get back to Equestria as soon as possible. I, of course, lost him quickly, since I had always been faster than him. But, what he said as I left him behind almost made me want to turn around.
“I love you, son!”
That hurt me so much, but I flew on. I got back to Ponyville, and saw everyone was getting to the party. I hurried along, not wanting to be too late. I got there after everypony, but I hoped I wasn’t too late.
“What took you so long?” Kiqo asked me.
“I had to get my bottle back from my dad. When he kicked me out, he made me leave it behind. Bastard” it hurt me to say that last thing, but everyone has their lies.
“Let the party begin!” yelled Pinkie, ever excited. The party was fantastic, and grew bigger as time grew on. Every pony that trailed in brought something else, and we wound up with every drink on the list.
Eventually, Kiqo needed to barf, and I decided to keep him company.
“Couldn’t ya juss get cherself anuther bottle?” he asked me.
I looked at him, to my bottle, and back to him, trying to get my inebriated mind to work through what he said. “Du you know how long I’ve had thish bottle?”
“That’sh muh point”
“You callin’ her old?”
“Old enuf” he said, reaching for the bottle.
“Dude, naw”
“C’mon”
For some reason, my brain decided that it was going to function in another language. “Hah nya nye!”
He responded in turn, only in his language. “Kah neh!”
“Hah teh nya”
This continued for some time, sometimes one of us getting the upper hand, causing the other to back away. This led us out into a field, where the real magic happened.
“Kah nye nah!” Kiqo said, and a piece of earth rose up and flung itself at me.
“Yeh neh ye” I said, causing a small tornado to assault him.
Our argument turned into an elemental brawl, with dust choking us when we didn’t get hit. At one point, he ripped up a chunk of earth, ready to kill me, but I destroyed it with a ball of wind. Our respective elements clashed over and over, causing massive destruction to the field we stood in. I got one lucky blow on him, but he spoke something I may never forget.
“Kah men ku” he said, and I was crushed between two folds of earth.
I was quickly evicted from my body, and saw a circle of ponies gathering around my body. My death knocked the alcohol out of my system, and I realized something. My Jager bottle. I had dropped it in the fight. I went to where I had dropped it, and found nothing more than a pile of glass. The last symbol of my father’s love, gone. I was heartbroken. I tried to pick up the pieces, but found my hooves just passed through them. Suddenly, I felt a hoof on back. I turned to see Kiqo, in spirit.
“Why would you do this to me? And her...” I gestured at the broken pieces.
“I wish I could tell you I could bring her back, but I can bring you back.”
“I don’t want to return to the world of the living if it means I have to abandon her.”
“What about her?” he asked, pointing a hoof at Rainbow.
It was then I remembered the passion that went into our intimate times. I raced back into my body, which Kiqo had fixed up. I looked into Rainbow’s eyes and saw her joy unbridled. She took me by the neck, and showed me a world of pleasure I had never known. We came again and again, driving the other ponies into a sex crave. We continued for three days, ignoring the pains of friction burn and sexual soreness. We celebrated our life in the ritual of making new life. We eventually passed out, and we woke up on the fourth day without genitals. We screamed in horror, and immediately found the two we knew were responsible. They had woken to our screams and we stared them down.
“What the fucking fuck is wrong with you?” we asked them.
“We should ask you. I mean, three days. It was for your own good. And maybe you’ll find that love is better for more than sex.”
“Okay, maybe we did go over the top, but this is reversible, right?”
“Yeah, but you might be a virgin afterwards.”
“Great, just great.”
We went downstairs to see about breakfast.
“I’m not gonna be makin anyfin thish mornin” Spike said, belching a plume of green flame.
“Oh, you’re making something, darling. You’re making this lady happy.”
So, we left, leaving them to sex. We went out for breakfast, but wound up getting teleported to Canterlot instead. We had a healthy meal and a hearty chat. We drifted from topic to topic, covering almost every one on the board. We landed on cutie marks, so Rainbow and Twilight told their tales, even though we had seen them before. They then asked me about my mark.
“It’s a pretty strange cutie mark, a pencil drawing a spade symbol” Twilight said, and Rainbow and Kiqo nodded in consent. “What does it mean?”
“Ever since I was a wee babby, I’ve seen the spade symbol as a symbol of stealth, and since I’m fairly sneaky, I earned the spade. The pencil signifies I’m an artist. What about yours, Kiqo?”
“I don’t have one.”
We stared at him like he was crazy.
“You don’t have a cutie mark?”
“Nope, and may I never have one. I’m too accustomed to change to be pinned down onto one specific skill.” he said.
“What do you mean, too accustomed to change?”
“I can’t stand regularity. It drives me insane. When I was in school, I would cause fights between people just to break the monotony. So, I just hope I never have a cutie mark.” Twilight realized how awesome it would be to not have a cutie mark, and slumped in her chair. Suddenly, she pointed at something beneath the table on their side.
“Hah, that’ll show you! Everypony has a cutie mark!”
He stood up to inspect it, and revealed his mark to us. It was an hourglass with arcs around the edges.
“Cool” he said.
“All you’ve got to say is ‘cool’? That is so much more than cool. It’s spectacular, radical, awesome, uh... Dang it, there aren’t enough words in the dictionary to describe that mark.”
“I’ve got a few. You’ve got majestic, magnificent, wicked, mind blowing, impressive, tubular, terrific, fantastic, super, stupendous, phenomenal, wondrous, extra-” before he could prove his thesaurus like knowledge, Twilight shut him up with a hoof.
“Are you a living dictionary?” Rainbow asked, coming over her shock before me.
“I read a dictionary, and tried to commit it to memory, so pretty close.”
“You read a dictionary?” we asked in unison.
“I was bored, and I had nothing else to do.”
“No books?”
“No exercise?”
“No internet?”
“I had read every book on my shelf, and it was storming outside, which meant the power was out and I couldn’t go outside, so...”
“You could have exercised inside”
“Woop dee doo, I could run in circles. Sounds like a blast”
“You could’ve sat in a corner and just let your mind run free” I suggested.
“If you mean that literally, I didn’t have any magic then, and if you mean that figuratively, who says I didn’t?”
“You say you didn’t”
“No, all I said was I read a dictionary. The storm lasted for a good few days, so I had a lot of time on my hooves”
“I am so glad I wasn’t in town for that one, I probably would have been driven insane.”
“Yeah, I still wonder how many marbles that storm took.”
“So, you’re saying you’re not all there?” Twilight asked.
“I never was. From the age of around three, when I almost died from alcohol poisoning, I was never totally sane. But, sanity is for the weak.”
“You can’t be insane, you just admitted it.” I said, pointing out the omnipresent thought on insanity.
“No, that’s just a stereotype. I was actually diagnosed, but didn’t let that have an impact. I hear voices, but I’ve learned to tune them out. Insanity can be awfully fun if you let yourself sink far enough in, but if you learn to keep afloat, you can keep up a facade of sanity.”
“So, you’re definitely insane?” Twilight asked.
“Oh, yes. Without a doubt. I just put on a mask, and tell most everyone I’m fine.”
“You’re slipping into egghead talk again” Rainbow pointed out.
“Oh, sorry. It’s hard to manage such an assortment of fake faces”
“Wait, you’re insane and all fake?” Twilight asked, worried.
“Not all fake, just hidden. But, don’t worry, my love for you is one hundred percent, grade A, all natural, from the soul.”
“So, what don’t we know about you?”
“It’s easier to list what you actually know. Ace here knows a lot about me, but even he has been fooled by some of my fake faces.”
“Wait, so you haven’t always been honest with me? What have you lied about?”
“Remember when I said your sister was pretty?”
“Remember when I said yours was pretty?”
“But I don’t have a sister”
“Exactly”
“How long have you two known each other?” Twilight asked, observing our banter with amusement.
“Forever” I responded.
“Not quite, but it feels like that. It was long ago, in the days of yore. I can’t remember when we met exactly, though”
“The specifics don’t matter, all that matters is that we grew close as brothers”
“I think we’ve grown closer”
“You guys are starting to creep me out” Rainbow said, attempting to scoot away from what could have easily been seen as gay sex waiting to happen.
I noticed my arm around his neck, and attempted to defend my position, even through my embarrassment. “I’m not like that, Rainbow. I mean, he’s a cool guy, but... Wait, I don’t have any genitals. And, if I don’t have any genitals, I don’t have a gender. If I don’t have a gender I can’t be gay!”
I frolicked through town, announcing my revelation. Rainbow chased after me, and eventually took me down on some grass outside town.
“We have to get our genders back” she said.
“Let’s go, then”
We arrived at the library to see the two unicorns responsible for our genderlessness dragging Spike and Rarity outside. They invited us in and told us their plan.
“So, you two are without genitals due to us” Twilight said.
“But, we’re having a lot of fun at your expense” Kiqo followed.
“So, we’ve got a proposition”
“Either we give you genitals now, but they may not be yours”
“Or, you spend a month genderless and you get your genitals then”
“What is your choice?” they asked.
We looked at each other, and decided upon a hushed conversation.
“If we take this deal, we’ll wind up with wrong genders”
“This could be a new experience”
“They could also fuck with us and do something like the same gender”
“Do you want to be sexless or gay?”
“Well, sexless will be awfully boring. Not like you are boring, but I think sex with you is great.”
“Heh, alright”
“We’ll take the first option” said Rainbow, speaking for both of us.
Twilight and Kiqo looked at each other, and their horns flared. We felt a change, but it left them exhausted.
“Yahoo!” I yelled, shocked that it was feminine, and clapped my hooves over my mouth.
“That was part of the deal” she said, then mimicked my actions when she heard her normal feminine voice.
That was when we checked, and found a pair of lower lips.
“What’s the big idea?” I asked, sounding like I was eight.
“We said they may not be yours”
“We never said your genders would be switched”
We shared a defeated glance, and left.
“So, how are our lives gonna be different?” Rainbow asked me.
“Well, there’s going to be a lot more scissors in our sex life.”
“Scissors?”
“It’s where we cross our legs and rub our, uhm, you know, together.”
“Do you have a problem with saying vagina?”
“Yes”
“Say it”
“No”
“Say it”
“Fine. It”
“Say vagina!”
“I don’t want to”
“Just say vagina!”
“No”
“Vagina! Just say it”
“Why?”
“Because, if you don’t say it, you’ll have a problem your entire life”
“I won’t have a problem”
“Yes you will”
“Look, it hardly comes up and there are so many alternative words”
“But, if you need to do, say, a medical demonstration on the mare anatomy, you will sound immature saying pussy or warm folds”
“Erg, fine. Vagina.”
“See, was that so hard?”
“No. Well, kinda”
“You’ll get used to it”
Suddenly, we fell. it wasn’t a long fall, but as soon as we were in, a lid went over the hole. It was suffocating. That’s the only word to fit the situation. Two ponies shoved in a space barely big enough for one pony. Then, the roof starting coming down on us. I saw my life flash before my eyes. It all started with a phone call. I finished my flashback to Rainbow Dash shaking me.
“We’re going to die!”
“No. No, we’re not. Ah meh nah!”
I shouted wind at the roof, and it flew off. We crawled out to see a pony fleeing into the Everfree Forest.
We were awoken when the library door banged open. Rainbow and Ace ran in, shouting. We couldn’t separate their voices, they were so intertwined.
“You’ve got to help us. We fell down a hole, and then a lid was put on it, and when we got out, we saw a pony galloping into the Everfree! Help!”
I couldn’t help but chuckle. Their voices were just so singular, it was a little disturbing.
“What are you laughing at?” they asked. “This is serious business!”
“It doesn’t even sound like I’m talking to two ponies!” I said, finally letting my laughter out of its cage.
“Forgive him” requested Twilight. “He’s probably thinking up a solution right now”
On queue, I popped up and said “Take us to where you fell”
The two took off, with us in hot pursuit. We came to the pit, and I saw the hoofprints of somepony headed off into the Everfree.
“This way!” I called, and took off in pursuit of my friends’ assailant.
“How can you follow this pony?” Twilight asked, panting.
“I lived in the wild for longer than I’d have liked, and as a human, you need meat. To get meat, you gotta catch meat.”
She seemed shocked by this, but pressed on. Eventually, we came to a cave deep in the Everfree.
“Hold up” I said. “I don’t like the look of this”
I stepped into the cave, and found my premonition proved true. I saw a slim tripwire, almost invisible in the dim light. I followed it to the wall, up it, and found it connected to a net connected above our heads. I stepped over the line and cut it with a quick hoofstep. The net came down, hoping to catch us, but found only thin air. Hearing the net thunk, two unicorns emerged from the shadows.
“You’re good” one of them said.
“Too good” the other said.
They cast a spell, and all four of us were thrown into a deep sleep.We awoke to water in the face, and a harsh female greeting.
“Good, you’re awake. I was getting ready to feed you to the rabid”
“Deja vu” I muttered under my breath.
“You two pegasi were supposed to die, and yet here you sit, unphased. How?”
That was when Ace and I remembered our voices. We decided to display them. I locked up the followers in solid rock, and Ace floated the leader’s limbs out to her sides, letting her levitate there spread eagle. These powers were much easier to control when sober.
“I see” she said. “You two possess power greater than anyone else. We could use you on our side.”
I could see the others considering death over this fate, but I had a plan. However, this plan involved some backstabbing, and I couldn’t say it out loud. I pushed my mind on the other ponies, letting them feel it was me, and then spoke to them in their minds.
“We should take this deal” I started.
“Why?” Rainbow asked.
“Look, if we don’t, they’ll kill us. We know where they live, and they can’t have that. If we do, we’ll be assimilated. From there, we can climb in rank until we are told their plan.”
“Their plan is probably on a need to know basis” Ace pointed out.
“Exactly. We each have our own skills, so we get told the part that corresponds to our talent, and we tell the others. From there, we piece their plan together.”
“That won’t be entirely accurate” Twilight said.
“Well, we can either die or become part of a terrorist cell and maybe actually take them down. Those are your options, I will let you choose.”
“I don’t like dying” Ace said.
“I don’t want to pass up a chance to be hero again, so...” Rainbow let herself trail off.
“I’m just curious as to what their plan is” said Twilight.
“I’ll go” I said, aloud. Then, in our minds “Don’t let them know we were talking”
“Me too” said Ace, who was then followed in suit by Twilight and Rainbow.
“Good, good. I think you’ll enjoy it here. But first, we must make sure you’ll never betray us.” said the mare.
As the acolyte unicorns’ horns flared, all I could think was ‘Fuck, we’re boned’. I awoke, several hours later, to find myself in a chamber. The last thing I could remember was the unicorns saying we would never betray the mistress. But, I still had free will. With free will, I could do whatever I wanted. I had to find the others, see if it worked on them. I rose, and found my legs weak. Had it been only hours? I banished that thought and took off through the chambers. It was fairly straightforward. The chamber I was in connected into a central network. Of course, there were a million and one entrances, so I had no idea. Then, it hit me. I threw my spirit from my body and searched every chamber. I eventually found them, hypnotized by the mistress. I cast the memory spell on them, and broke the mistress’ spell, but swiftly told them to act brainwashed. They made their ways out of their rooms, and we were shortly joined by two pegasi.
“Come” they said.
We obliged them, and soon found ourselves in what could be described as a mess hall. I was suddenly glad Rarity wasn’t here; it was more mess than hall. We got our food, sat down at the deserted end of one table, and dug in.
“You the new recruits?” asked a pony seated down the table. He proceeded to scoot down to us, presumably to make some friends.
“Yeah” I said, paying more attention to my rations. ‘Hard biscuits and hay mash. Euch’ I thought to myself. What I wouldn’t give for Spike to be in the kitchen.
“So, how did you come to get abdu- I mean, assimilated?” he asked.
“We, uh... Wait, did you almost say abducted?” Ace asked.
“Yes, I did” he said, his voice barely breaking a decibel. “Don’t tell anyone, but her spell didn’t work on me. I’m fairly sure it worked on everyone else, since they eat this shit like it’s going out of style”
“I wouldn’t mind if it went out of style” Twilight muttered, poking at the slop.
“Good, then. You have your free will?” he asked.
“Yeah. But, this kid’s the one behind it.” Rainbow said.
“Kid? I can drink you under the table!” I retorted.
“Dude, you’ve been able to do that to anyone but me since I first drank with you.” Ace pointed out.
“Wow, sounds like you guys are close. What’s your names?”
We all told our names, and he responded in turn, saying his name was Vincent.
“So, Vincent, how long have you been free?” Rainbow asked.
“Please, call me V. And, I’ve been free since I first got here.”
“So, what do you think set you apart from the rest?” I asked, desperate to find the link.
“I’m mildly psychotic.”
“Diagnosed, or suspected?”
“Diagnosed”
“Hah, and you three told me that insanity was a bad thing. If I weren’t insane, we’d all still be sheep.”
“So, you’re crazy, too?” V asked.
“I am, but they can’t pinpoint it on one certain disorder. They just looked at my test results and gave me the list of possibilities. I remember seeing bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, and multiple personality disorder, but the rest are a haze.”
“You sound like you should be in the looney bin.”
“Probably should. But, my fake faces are too much fun to keep up.”
“I know exactly what you mean. Floating in a sea of insanity, barely keeping afloat. When do you indulge yourself in the pleasures of a lost mind?”
“Only when absolutely necessary”
“Like when?” asked Twilight, who had not said anything in either our conversation or Ace and Rainbow’s.
“If’n I need to defend someone I love.”
“I hope I never have to see that side of you”
Suddenly, a voice rang through the chambers. I recognized it as the mistress’. “The four new recruits are to come to my chamber at once.”
“Gotta go” I said, pouring the last of my ‘nutrition’ down my throat. I grimaced, but trotted for the royal chamber. All the way, I was silently praying my nausea would subside.
We soon arrived at the throne, and quickly prostrated ourselves before her.
“Good, the spell worked. Two of you know elemental languages, earth and wind. The other two know no elements. I task you two to go out and discover the two missing languages, water and fire.”
Suddenly, my nausea peaked, and I created a small green puddle on the floor in front of me. “A thousand pardons, mistress. My stomach has not yet adjusted to eating so often.”
“So often? The last time you ate was yesterday at least.”
So it had been more than a few hours. “I know, mistress, but I usually eat once a week.”
“Well, your nausea is no excuse for schedule breaking. Get over it. Now,” she said, turning to Twilight and Rainbow. “you two will be accompanied by one of these two,” she waved at Ace and I “find where they learned their power, and learn yours. You get the choice between fire and water.”
“I want fire” said Rainbow, and I knew it was her short temper that drove her here.
“Water is much more practical, and not so destructive” said Twilight.
“Practical, shmactical. What good is water if it can’t hurt anyone?”
“Ever had boiling water thrown on your face?”
“No, and you’re not going to, because you’d need fire for that”
“Technically, all she needs is heat, and fire is not the only source of heat. I’m sure you’re familiar with friction burn?” I butted in, turning both Ace and Rainbow scarlet.
“Arg, who asked you?” she retorted.
“This will be fun” the mistress said, observing our argument with amusement. “The purple one will go with the black one, and the cyan one will go with the brass one. Depart.”
We left, grumbling, but as soon as we left the cave, Twilight said: “That went well.”
“Okay, I missed something. What happened?” I asked.
“Rainbow and I wanted to create fake tension between us, just so she’d think we weren’t a unit, and weren’t planning anything”
“Genius” Ace said, dumbfounded.
“But, you’ll have to practice on your faces” I pointed out.
“Maybe you can teach us” Rainbow said.
“Honestly, it’s simple. Remember your lies, and inhabit them. You’ll get better with practice.”
“That is simple. I’ll have to write that down” Twilight said.
“What, do you carry pen and paper with you everywhere?” Rainbow asked.
“I would” I muttered.
“You what?” Rainbow asked, momentarily forgetting her argument with Twilight.
“Yes, alright. I would. I love being prepared, and if my old satchel would sit right on an equine figure, I would carry it.”
“Dude, you still have that old thing?” Ace asked, knowing I had had that sack since I was twelve.
“Don’t talk to me about old things, mister ‘I’m going to brave the fires of my father’s fury just to bring back the last symbol of his love’.”
“I... Wait, how did you know about that last thing?” he asked, more than a little skittish.
“You think too loud. I can’t help it.”
“Think too loud? Oh come on, those are my thoughts, get your own!”
“He doesn’t have any” said Twilight and Rainbow in strange unison.
“Jynx!” they said in unison again.
I could’ve sworn I heard a very faint ‘Yes?’ but dismissed that as one of the plethora of voices piercing through my internal sound barrier. We walked along, messing with each other like a band of teenagers. We finally got to Fluttershy’s cottage. She was just coming down the path, and greeted us in an unfamiliar joviality.
“Hey guys! What are you up to?”
“We’re going on a mission from a-” Now was my turn to hoof her.
“No one’s supposed to know, remember?”
“Oh, right. Also, I think you stepped in something.”
“I am so sorry.”
“It’s alright, it tasted nice.”
“You two done?” Rainbow asked, and I realized she and Ace had been chatting with Fluttershy.
“Alright, onward. To glory!” I announced.
“How do you stand him?” Twilight and Rainbow asked in reminiscent harmony.
“I don’t even know sometimes” Ace replied, shaking his head.
“Are you guys coming?” I called from the tunnel entrance.
“Right. Onwards” Ace said.
“Oh gosh, not you too!” Rainbow replied, shocked.
“Oh no! I’ve contracted it!” he pretended to be shocked, but broke out in a laugh he shared with the others.
I gave them a disgusted look and called “I’m leaving!”
They quickly caught up with me and apologized. I then proceeded to tell them I had no idea where we were going.
“What do you mean?”
“What, do you think I have an interplanar map sitting back at camp?”
As I said that, I felt my hoof touch something like paper. I picked up the scroll, which unrolled and revealed an interplanar map. At the bottom sat a signature. Starswirl.
“Stay dead, you old dog!” I shouted at the tunnel roof. I heard a chuckle from the distance, which was reinforced by three others.
“Well, there’s your map” Rainbow said. “I guess you didn’t have it back at camp.”
This earned another laugh from the assembly, and I decided to forge on without them. I even went so far as to douse my light and follow my hooves. This earned many confused mutterings from behind me, and I smiled in satisfaction, even if there was no one to see it.
“Hello again” said a slow voice.
“Oh dear lord!” I yelled, banging my head on the ceiling.
“Did I scare you?” the old voice asked.
“Yes, yes you did. How did you even get in here?”
“My roots.”
“That’s actually pretty cool. Sounds like being a treant is a lot of fun.”
“It is. By the way, where are you going?”
“Places, to do things.”
“Heh. I suppose it’s a secret?”
“Yep.”
“Who are you talking to?” Rainbow asked, having caught up to me.
“Me” said Mordekai.
“Who’s there?” Ace asked.
“It’s just a talking tree” Twilight said.
“Just a talking tree?” I asked. “How about lifetime friend of Starswirl and the guardian of his tomb. Not to mention he has the coolest name in the history of names.”
“Cooler than Starswirl?” Mordekai asked.
“The name holds resonance” Twilight said.
“But it’s hard to compete with Mordekai” I finished.
“Well, I won’t make you stay in this tunnel any longer. Off with you” he said.
There was a grating sound, and I knew he had withdrawn his roots.
“Well, let’s go” I said.
We set off again, and eventually found ourselves at the exit.
“Should we heed the mistress’ instructions, or pair off?”
“Does the map say which languages we’ll find where?” Twilight asked.
I looked again, and saw words appear at certain worlds.
“I think we have a fifth member” I said.
Starswirl then revealed himself.
“Alright, you got me. I just can’t help myself. You all are just so much fun” he said.
“Ghost!” Rainbow screamed, backing away from the dead colt.
“Boo!” he said.
She screamed in terror, and wound up fainting.
“Too good, Starswirl. But, I have to ask. How did you know where the different languages were?”
“I came here before. Around the two thousand tenth Earth year. October, to be precise. I tried my best to be stealthy, but I think someone saw me. Oh well, what’s the worst that happened because of that?”
“Interesting” I said, letting it sink in that I was not only standing with the most powerful caster in many worlds, but also with the pony that had inspired M.L.P., F.i.M. “Well, we should get moving. Ace and Rainbow, you two might as well pair off, and I think we unicorns will go find the language of water.”
“All right” said Rainbow, who had recovered.
“But, how are we to know where to look?” Ace asked, helping Rainbow up.
“Take the map, Starswirl’ll show us the way” I said, handing them the map. “Right?” I asked Starswirl, who was obviously contemplating making Rainbow faint again.
“Right, right, I remember the way.”
We separated, and we went a ways until we found the right tunnel. We went through, and found ourselves surrounded by millions of dodecapedal beings.
“Too many legs” I said, taken aback by the spider like beings.
“Starswirl, you returned” said one of the spider things.
“Yes, I have, and I have come so Twilight, the purple one, may learn your language.”
“Well, first she must have a name that fits the language. Yours worked so well, Starswirl. Oh well. Twilight, your name will be Lulu, which is twilight in our tongue. Pure and simple. Now, on to your lessons.”
She led Twilight away, and taught her in the liquid tongue.
“So, why couldn’t you use your water powers?” I asked Starswirl.
“I don’t know, but I think it may have something to do with the names they give you.”
“Would make sense” I mused.
“By the way, how did you enter the wing in Canterlot? I put up a spell to prevent unauthorized access, and I don’t think they would authorize you.”
“I picked the lock.”
“But how? I put a spell on that lock that would disintegrate any lockpick.”
“I used a liquid pick.”
“Creative.”
“Improv is one of my specialties.”
“What is your specialty, as depicted by your cutie mark?”
“Change, as far as I can tell. I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if I had two. That would definitely be a change from all you one mark ponies.”
“Hmm. Well, change seems like a fun talent.”
“It is what I’m best at. I mean, I started as a run of the mill human, and wound up a pony. Not just a pony, actually, but a sentient unicorn. I think I know a few things about change.”
“Sounds like. What was being a human like?”
“Very different. We ate meat in addition to vegetables, and we have a democracy most places. We don’t have magic, but we have guns.”
“I've heard of those things, but never found out what they really are. Care to enlighten me?”
I went fully into the mechanics of guns, omitting nothing. He listened with intrigue, and seemed to be taking mental notes.
“That is very interesting. What other technologies do you have?”
I proceeded to tell him about internal combustion engines, solar cells, silicon chips, the internet, lasers, and even gave him small details that I had found online about the development of portals.
“So, humans are more technologically advanced, but less magically advanced?”
“Precisely.”
“Sounds like being a human had its perks.”
“More or less. It was fun, but not being allowed to do much besides work got really boring after a while.”
“I can imagine. By the way, how are you earning bits these days?”
“I get a monthly allowance from Twilight.”
“Don’t you feel bad, taking her money like that?”
“She said she gets too much from Celestia, since she gets funded for her research.”
“Research?”
“In friendship” Twilight said, coming up from where the spider woman had taught her.
“Oh, good, you’re back. How’s the language?”
“Lots and lots of l’s”
“Well, looks like you’ll be lucky to have not chosen the language of fire, no l’s at all, basically” said Rainbow.
“How’d you find us?” I asked.
“I followed my friendship sense” said Ace.
“Really?”
“No, just followed you and then caught up with Rainbow. I just memorized your location.”
“Why?”
“For this very reason.”
“Well, we might as well go back” Twilight said.
So, the five of us left for Equestria.
“So, how’s the language of fire?” Twilight asked.
“A lot of phlegm. It’s honestly quite nasty.”
“Yuck.”
Suddenly, there was a rumble behind us.
“What was that?” Ace asked.
That was when I felt a tingle I had only felt once before, at the nuclear power plant I had worked at to pay for college.
“There goes Tucson” I said, feeling the tears. “I think that was a nuke. Even if it wasn’t, that big of a rumble is definitely not a good sign.”
“Ash, mom, my little brother. All gone. All of it.” Ace mourned.
“Life goes on, man.”
“Easy for you to say. Your family banished you, I only faked my death.”
“Exactly. If they don’t know you’re dead by now, they’ve been assured by the blast. Now, you can live the life you always wanted, in the arms of the pony you love.”
“I guess.”
We went the rest of the way in relative silence, leaving everyone to their thoughts. We eventually felt Celestia’s sun beaming down on us, even though it was almost down.
“So, Starswirl” I started. “Mordekai told me that you said death was a necessary end.”
“I said that, yes.”
“So, why are you still wandering about?”
He laughed at that. “I am dead, but my body has been reanimated as a protector, and I am stuck as a spirit, with my capabilities limited.”
“Hmm. So, it’s necessary, but not necessarily an end?”
“Right.”
“That’s interesting” said Twilight, who had been disturbingly quiet this entire time.
“Wow, that’s scary. I had almost forgotten you were here. What in the worlds were you thinking about?”
“You can just move on from losing your homeworld like that. It disturbs me. It makes me think about how fast you’ll move on when I die.”
“I only moved on from that world because I know that nobody even knew where I was. I had been exiled. I bid them good riddance. You, though. You I love. You I would mourn for eternity. You are the one pony I will be glad to share my life, death, and undeath with.”
She smiled at that. “Thanks. That means more than you know.”
Her and I went the rest of the way, just smiling, just enjoying each others’ company. We got back to the cave, and found our way to the mistress’ cavern. We bowed before her, and she spoke.
“I trust you have learned your languages?”
Rainbow spoke, and a small plume of fire rose before her. Twilight spoke next, and doused the fire.
“I am impressed. Now that you have your powers, you are more powerful than anypony here. So, I shall promote you to be my four hooves. You will be my go to ponies, so this is a big responsibility. Do you accept?”
We all nodded, and a pony appeared from the dark carrying a tattoo needle. He gave rainbow a four color flame on her snout, white, blue, orange, and red. He gave Twilight a pond on the forehead, complete with reeds. For Ace, a grey tornado on the left cheek. As for me, a mossy boulder on the right cheek.
“But, that’s not all. You need your branding marks. Everyone else has them, and it must have slipped my mind in your case.”
So, we got the markings of the mistress. They were simple, unicolor, but beautiful all the same. They flowed from the snout all the way down to the base of the tail, curling and twisting all the way.
“Now that you are marked, I will let you rest. You are dismissed.”
We returned to our chambers and rested. As soon as Twilight and I laid down, we left our bodies. We also pulled Rainbow and Ace out.
“How are you two feeling?” I asked them all.
The communal answer was along the lines of weary.
“I never knew a tattoo could hurt so much” Ace said, the only one out of us to even think about getting a tattoo.
“You are basically being stitched” Twilight said, ever logical.
“Don’t say it like that, it give me the creeps” Rainbow said, shivering.
“Well, on a lighter note, I don’t think I’ve been using my powers to their full extent” I said.
“Oh?” asked Twilight, and I could tell she was preparing herself for mental notes.
“Well, when you think about it, lava is molten rock. I control earth. Part of earth is rock. Therefore, I should be able to control lava.”
“Dude, that’s cool” Rainbow said, pondering the possibilities of lava.
“I’ve also been thinking about your powers. I think you may be able to control lightning. If not you, then Ace should, but I’m not sure.”
“Only one way to find out” Ace said, and cleared his throat.
What he spoke next was magnificent. It split the sky in two, and lightning smote the ground at his hooves.
“Holy fucking shit, dude. Coulda warned us.”
“That is probably going to be useful later.”
“I’ve got an idea” I said. “If I bring up a chunk of earth and Rainbow lights it on fire, we could have ourselves a proper fireball.”
“Sounds fun!”
We tested this, and found that it could be done. It left a charred crater in the small field behind the cave.
“I think I may be able to help you there” Twilight said.
“But, you control water. Water gets rid of fire” Rainbow said, always the skeptic.
“Well, Ace can control lightning, so maybe I can control flammable liquids.”
“Worth a shot, I guess.”
She spoke, and pulled crude oil from the depths of Equestria. She then spread it over the field.
“Now try.”
We tried again, and started a small blaze. Then, Ace contributed and fanned the flames. We soon set a small portion of the Everfree on fire. Of course, Twilight ruined our fun, but it was probably for the best.
“So, if we combine our powers we are a lot more powerful. How fun!” Twilight and I exclaimed as one.
We continued to practice our combined powers for a while until I broke the monotony.
“When are we going to rebel?”
“Hopefully sooner than later, I wouldn’t want to be responsible for slaughtering innocents” said Twilight, who was busy dousing one of the blazes we had left.
“Yeah, but we don’t even know her plan” Rainbow pointed out.
“Well, should we risk being responsible for mass murder so we can find out her plan?”
“If we don’t, we may be punished for murder. If we do, we’ll be punished for murder. So, either punishment for murder or punishment for murder.”
“Boy, that makes it sound awfully glum” said Ace, who was fiddling with a small windstorm.
“Well, I think we should lay low until she tells us her plan. If she has us attack a town, we turn on her. Alright?” I asked, hoping they’d say yes.
“Alright, but I don’t really want to have to face the mistress” said Rainbow, letting fire lick up her forelegs.
“I understand that, but it will probably come to that.”
“Well, I suppose we should go back to our bodies” Ace said, noting the sun cresting the horizon.
We went back to our bodies, and were shortly roused to eat breakfast. In the middle of our ‘meal’, the mistress called us in.
“We will lead an attack on Ponyville today” she said. “You will command the armies to attack. Do not fail me.”
“Yes mistress” we said in unison.
When we had left her earshot, we conversed.
“Seems like that came sooner than we could decide.”
“Do you think she heard us?”
“No, she said we would be controlling the armies. If she had heard us, she wouldn’t trust us in the mess hall.”
“Yeah, that makes sense.”
“But still, what are we gonna do? One of the other ponies sees us attacking Ponyville and the royal army of Canterlot comes down on our heads.”
“Well, we could split them into four groups and obliterate them.”
“Still, what if one pony gets word to Canterlot?”
“We’ll have to defend our position. If she doesn’t believe us, let’s just hope she isn’t too hard to kill.”
The other three looked at me like I had completely lost it.
“What? Do you want to die?”
“Well, no, but still. Killing the one Alicorn that stands between us and eternal night? You nuts?”
“Well, if we display our full powers, maybe she’ll back down, believe us even.”
“Let’s just hope it doesn’t come to that.”
As we finished our discussion, the voice of the mistress rang out.
“I want an army a hundred strong to form at the cave exit. Move!”
“That’s our queue” I said, and we all rushed to the exit.
We were met by the mistress and the army.
“These four are your acting commanders” she said. “Do as they command, treat them as you would treat me.”
“Yes, mistress” they all said and bowed.
She left, leaving us to prepare the army.
“We don’t want to be particularly dangerous looking, so each of you will wear your coats.” When they didn’t move, I looked at them and asked “What are you waiting for? Go get your coats!”
They took off in a small stampede, and came back shortly dressed in sackcloth.
“Good. Now, we will leave for Ponyville. Mistress willing, we will take them with few casualties on our side and many on theirs.”
The pony army saluted, and began their march. Twilight looked at me skeptically, but I just winked at her. We arrived on the outskirts of Ponyville in no time at all.
“Alright, no more marching. Walk in like you are regular ponies, not soldiers. I want one of you to wait by each building. You are to wait for the signal, which will be a burning pillar of earth from wherever we are. Go.”
They left, and we were left alone.
“Where do we go from here?” Twilight asked, observing the army’s actions with disinterest.
“Well, I was thinking we would have Ace and Rainbow fly over and pick off the ponies.”
“That sounds decent, but wouldn’t some of them begin to suspect us?”
“Hadn’t thought of that. Although, if you do, they are so spread out now that you would only have small skirmishes.”
“Alright, but what will you guys do?” Rainbow asked, flexing her wings.
“Probably the same with our spirits.”
“Alright. Let’s hope this works.”
We set off, and began to kill the cultists. What we hadn’t anticipated was one of them notifying everyone else. We had barely gotten through twenty of them before they rounded on us. We fled, and met back at our bodies. Then one of them spoke.
“You have betrayed the mistress, which means that simply casting the spell on you again will not work. Therefore, you must die.”
They advanced upon us and I tried to think up a reason to save our hides, but Rainbow apparently liked the idea of four against eighty. She flew into them, followed by Ace, and the army was engulfed in flame and lightning. Twilight and I shared the glance that communicated our shared thought: ‘We’re screwed’. Nonetheless, we fought back the horde of brainwashed ponies. In the end, we were all standing in a large puddle of what used to be ponies, looking like we had also bathed in their blood. The ponies of Ponyville had seen the fight, and were gazing, awestruck, at what they had seen.
“We’ve got to get back before one of these guys calls Celestia on us” I whispered to Twilight.
Instead of answering, she took off. The rest of us were close on her heels. When we got to the cave, we slowed down. We walked casually in, only to be stopped by the rest of the cult.
“You betrayed the mistress...”
The speaker was interrupted by a swift kick from Rainbow.
“Save your breath, we’ve heard it before.”
The speaker wiped the blood from his jaw and signalled the charge. I couldn’t help but wonder how we had gone from a peaceful life to fighting off a horde of ponies that could have defeated the legion of the damned. We were eventually left, battered in too many ways to count, standing in another red puddle.
“One got away” I said, out of breath.
“Fuck” said Rainbow, kicking a liver off her hoof.
“We can’t stay here. I know enough about the wilds of Earth to survive at least one day here.”
So, we left the cave for the woods. We made a small camp and gathered a few berries, then settled in for the night, letting our broken bodies to sleep while our souls kept guard. We awoke in the morning, fresh as daisies, and prepared for another assault on the cave. When we got there, however, we were ambushed. Four unicorns used their horns like daggers, simply slid them between our ribs. One of them was clumsy, and I managed to dodge his stab and crush his skull with a hoof. The others saw their ally fall and fled into the cave. I went over to the bodies, and felt tears well in my eyes. They were dead, no doubt.
I felt rage and sorrow course through me like a drug. Then, I felt something stir deep within me. The need for revenge. I picked myself up, and contemplated how I would destroy them. I could easily collapse the cave on them, but that would be too impersonal. No, I needed to feel my hoof break their bones. That’s when I realized my most powerful power. One I had almost forgotten about. My insanity. I walked into the mistress’ chamber, letting the voices coax me into a state of explosive rage. I saw the last of the cult, still well over a thousand strong, and all I could think was how fun it would be to kill every last one of them. The mistress commanded them forward, but they were too scared. So scared I could taste it. I licked my lips, making them only shake more. Finally, one was pushed forward.
“So, it is you who shall die first?” I asked.
“It is not me who will die” he said in a voice that shook like a sapling in a strong breeze.
He attacked me, and I quickly dodged his strike, bringing an elbow down on his back. He coughed, but got back up. He threw a pair of punches, both of which I caught. This left us face to face, me grinning like the true madman I was, his face completely emotionless. I then pushed a little, getting my face right up to his. I took this chance, and tore off his snout with my teeth. He screamed in agony, and fell back.
“Got your nose” I said, spitting his snout onto the cold rock.
This caused everyone else to surge forward, and I fought them off with all I had. I broke skulls with hooves, rent flesh with teeth, and crushed ponies whole with the language of earth. I eventually took a hoof to the chin, which sent me stumbling. I was caught by another body. I looked up, expecting another cultist, but found myself looking into the face of Gnuk.
“Just because I can’t have you doesn’t mean you have to die.”
With renewed vigor and an ally, I fell into the ponies again, and Gnuk tore through them with spells that would have stunned Starswirl. We beat them back, until only four were left.
“I taught them your languages” the mistress said. “So, feel the wrath of the elements!”
The four we had been replaced by spoke words that, if spoken by us, would have destroyed Gnuk and I. But, since the elements didn’t know their names, their words fell on deaf ears.
“Why doesn’t it work?”
“It’s all in the names” said Twilight, who was accompanied by Ace, Rainbow, and Starswirl.
“You were dead” the mistress said, backing away from them.
“They were” said Mordekai, who emerged from the shadows and grabbed her.
“What are you going to do to me?” the mistress asked, helpless in the massive oaken arms.
“Have you forgotten us?” asked one of the failed replacements.
To be honest, we had. But, we fixed that by turning them into piles of mush. The mistress looked at the piles of pony meat, then back to us. She whimpered, letting us know the extent of her fear. Suddenly, I had an idea.
“Starswirl, how good is your healing magic?”
“Terrible. I am the greatest unicorn to ever walk Equestria and my healing magic is terrible. What do you think?”
“I think that was sarcasm.”
“Holy cow, how did you figure that out?”
“Look, just because you’re dead doesn’t mean you can’t die. Now, I need you to keep the ‘mistress’ alive at all costs, all right?”
“All right.”
“Now then, let’s see how many different ways we can kill her.”
The others took the hint and began to display their smorgasbord of death. Ace pulled the mistress into pieces and electrocuted her, Rainbow found far too many ways to use fire to kill, Twilight boiled her alive, and I dipped her in a vat of lava. All through this, she lived, thanks to Starswirl. But, he couldn’t restore flesh so easily, so she was left as a walking skeleton, defying all science.
“That was too fun” Rainbow said.
“Now, this is insanity. Just a taste can corrupt the mind. Don’t let yourself sink into the dark, deep, delicious depths.”
“Why do you say delicious?” Twilight asked.
“Letting yourself sink into insanity is like letting yourself sink into a pool of pudding that you can breathe. You go deeper and deeper, you enjoy it, but something in the back of your mind says no. For the ones in the looney bin, that little voice is almost mute. For me, that voice is very loud, and pudding can’t deafen it forever.”
“Insanity sounds so tasty!” Pinkie exclaimed.
“You should know” I said to the pink fluff on the ceiling.
“I wouldn’t know anything about that.”
Suddenly her hair fell flat and she put a hoof to her lips.
“I don’t know anything about insanity at all” said the normal, fluffy Pinkie, dropping onto the floor.
“Don’t tell me I was the only one to see that” Ace said, backing into a corner.
“You weren’t” said Rainbow, who was following in Ace’s hoofsteps.
“What’s the matter with you silly ponies?” Pinkie asked.
“Oh, you know, you appear in a secret base and go ever so slightly crazy. Not much, but enough to make us worry.”
“I didn't appear, I walked. Silly filly!" she said with a chuckle.
"You found a secret base and walked onto the ceiling?"
"I didn't choose to go on the ceiling, that's just where I came out."
"Came out?"
"Out of the tunnels."
"Tunnels?"
"Do I have to draw a picture?"
"Please do" said Ace, seeming to recover from his fear.
"Well, I make so many friends for one specific reason. I have access to tunnels that connect them with me. By using these tunnels, I can go basically anywhere!"
"Still doesn't explain how you got on the ceiling" Twilight said skeptically.
"I don't control the tunnels, they just drop me off near you."
"Can anyone else use these tunnels?" Twilight asked. I could almost see her mental quill and parchment ready.
"I dunno."
"How could we find out?"
"Well, I'll go back to Ponyville, you guys look for a tunnel."
"Alright."
Then, she walked into a wall. Most people use this in the way that she walked into a wall and hit her head, but I mean this literally. She walked into, and then through the wall. In her wake was a tunnel.
"Well, here goes nothing." I said, charging into the tunnel.
I appeared in a bucket of apples next to Applejack's stand.
"What the hay? How'd you get in there?"
"I dunno. Is Pinkie around?"
"No, why?"
"I was following her."
"That explains everything. Following Pinkie. Ah shoulda guessed" she said, shaking her head solemnly. "Tried that myself once. Wound up in Applebloom's school desk."
"Well, I'm going to go find her and the others" I said, hauling myself from the bucket.
"Holy moley, what are those?" she said, pointing at my tattoos.
"I had almost forgotten about those. We recently took down a terrorist cell from the inside. This was part of our initiation."
"Who else was with you?"
"Ace, Twi, and Rainbow."
"So, where are they?"
"Hay if I know."
"I suppose they followed Pinkie, too?"
"Presumably."
"Well, I sure hope you have a way to remove those markings. You're drawing a crowd."
It was then that I turned and saw the crowd.
"Cool tats, dude. Where'd ya get 'em?"
"I know a guy" I said, hoping not to have to explain further.
"Think we could get some?"
"Maybe, let me contact him."
"Bad ass!"
I left for the library, hoping I could find a way to replicate the design. I got back to see the other three already there.
"Thought you had gotten lost" said Rainbow, relaxing in the air.
"Got delayed. Twi, do you have a spell to remove these tattoos?"
"Why would you want to do that? They're beautiful."
"And they were extremely painful" said Ace with a shiver.
"I understand both of your points, but I simply want to replicate them."
"Hmm, I may be able to work something like that."
Her horn flared, but I interrupted her.
"I thought you wanted them replicated" she said, giving me a questioning look.
"I do, but where are they going after that?"
"Oh, right" she said with a blush. " I suppose you have a plan?"
"Yep. We're going to increase the Apple family revenue."
"Watch the smarts" warned Rainbow, but I just rolled my eyes.
We set out for Applejack's stand and saw the ponies that had requested the tattoos still hanging around.
"I regret to inform you that the artist who did these tattoos has died."
This earned a moan from everyone there.
"Take heart, my little ponies" geez, that sounded good. "For just two bits, Twilight here will replicate these tattoos."
Of course, everypony was excited about this.
"Could you teach me the spell? I think there may be too many for you to handle." I asked Twilight.
She giggled, but taught me it anyway. When I had practiced it enough, we copied the pegasi's tattoos and pasted them on our waiting customers. Due to the spell, the process was painless, and they were inclined to buy a few apples too. As the day wound down, Applejack eyed her empty barrels.
"Geez, I haven't sold the entire stock in..." she pondered a moment. "Geez, I don't think I've ever sold out. Thank ye kindly, Kiqo."
"You're welcome. And here's a few bits for letting me use your barrel."
She chuckled. "Anytime, sugarcube."
We waved goodbye and headed home. The pegasi departed a short time later, flying up to the tuft of cloud that always hung over Ponyville. We headed home, preparing ourselves for a night's rest.
"I just realized something" Twilight said, spitting her toothpaste into the sink.
"What's that?"
"We went on a long journey for a scroll that would change genders, and we didn't even use it for what we had originally intended."
"Are you suggesting?"
"Oh, yes. Yes, I am."
So, we left our bodies to rest. As our souls, we cast the spell to reverse our genders. When it was done, we looked at each other.
"Hey, handsome" I said, sounding like the flirtatious secretary everyone in the office wants at.
She, or rather he, chuckled. "Are we going to do this or what?"
"I'm up for anything."
He tackled me, sending me tumbling through a bookcase. His lips were locked with mine as we soared through ancient tomes. He readied himself at my entrance, and I whispered in his ear to plunge as deep and as hard as he could. He obeyed, tearing right through my hymen. I arched my back at the intense pain, but that pain was quickly relieved by his rhythmatic thrusting. She had been right, the feeling was indescribable. We tried every position we had tried the first time, only it felt so different on the other end. We finished our last orgasm, and I guessed that it was day. It was, so we returned to our bodies. As per usual, I got up before her, but with what felt like a hangover.
"Is this the mental taxation she was talking about?" I muttered to myself.
I walked into the kitchen and saw Spike fixing up a batch of pancakes.
"You have no idea how happy I am to see you" I said, stumbling into the kitchen.
He looked up, startled. "Do I know you?"
I started to ask him if he had amnesia, but then I remembered the spell.
"Silly me, I had forgotten the transformation. It's me, Kiqo."
He eyed me up and down. "Hot."
"Isn't there a white unicorn that wouldn't appreciate that kind of talk?"
"If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with."
He advanced upon me, but Twilight came down at that moment.
"Spike, what are you doing?"
"I was, uh, just, uh, m-making pancakes. Yeah, I was just making pancakes" he said, grinning fakely.
"Sure you were" Twilight said, sitting down at the table.
"How are you feeling?" I asked, joining him.
"I feel fine."
"Geez, that's weird. As a guy, I feel fine, as a chick, I don't."
"I guess guys are just brainless" He said, chuckling.
I eyed him, and he remembered his gender.
"Right, you sure are" I said, earning another chuckle from him.
"Think turning back will solve it?"
"Only one way to find out. But, I'm too taxed to cast this morning. Do you mind?"
"Not at all" he said, his horn flaring.
In a moment, I was back to my old self, sans headache.
"Much better. Now, I have a spell of my own" I said, my horn flaring.
When I finished the spell, I sat as a golden retriever.
He gasped, then asked "Why did you do that?"
"Change of pace" I said with a grin. "And lifestyle."
Spike came out with two plates of pancakes, set them down and abruptly left, muttering "I'm not going to ask" all the way back to the kitchen.
"This is going to be fun" I said, rubbing my paws together.
Spike came back, and we all ate in silence. When we finished, I told Twilight my plan.
"So, all you have to do in my plan is just pretend I'm an ambassador from Dogland” I finished.
"That's a wonderful plan" she said, having changed back earlier.
We set out, hoping to run into Rainbow and Ace. After introducing myself as Sir William of the Queen's cabinet to a few different ponies, we ran into our targets.
"Hey, Twi. Who's your friend?" Rainbow asked, responding to Twilight's greeting.
"I am Sir William of the Queen's cabinet. And might I ask your name?" I asked, placing a kiss on her hoof.
She was visibly flustered, and could not seem to form the right words.
"Back off my woman, you mangy pup" Ace said, scraping his hoof against the ground.
"Oh. Pardon moi, madame. I did not realize you two were together."
"It's alright, just don't try that again."
"But, my question still stands. What is your name, ma'am?"
"I'm Rainbow Dash, and this is Ace Grafite."
"It is a pleasure to meet you ladies."
"So, Twi, where's Kiqo? Doesn't he usually follow you like a stray pup?" Ace asked, eyeing me suspiciously.
I had to make a distraction, and fast. Then, opportunity arrived. It crawled down out of a tree carrying a few nuts.
"Squirrel!" I shouted, taking off after the small brown furball.
Fluttershy tried to block my path, but I simply leapt over her.
"I won't hurt him, I swear" I called as I flew.
I landed right next to him, scaring him half to death. I could see he was expecting me to pick him up and devour him, but when I only petted him a little, he was visibly relieved. When I was sure the girls weren't looking at me, however, I cast the spell that I had needed this distraction for. I made a fake Kiqo, asleep in Twilight's bed. I made him peek out of the library, spot Twilight, and run to her. Then, I gave him half of my soul, just so I could easily control him. When I had told his story of getting too worn out to rise last night, I loped over.
"Hello, sir" I said to myself. "You must be Kiqo?"
"Yes, I am. You are?"
"I am William."
"Of the Queen's cabinet?"
"Yes. Have you heard of me?"
"Yeah, Twi was telling me how you were coming over from Dogland on royal duty."
"Oh yes, my royal duty. Her majesty has heard tales of Sugarcube Corner's delicacies. She sent me here to taste and judge the pastries. If I deem them fit for her royal palette, I shall bring her some."
"You came for the cupcakes?" Pinkie asked, seemingly omnipresent.
"Yes, Miss Pinkie, I did. Are you the baker?"
"You betcha. Come on, I'll introduce you to the Cakes."
We departed, and I made Kiqo go lay down for a nap. It felt good to have all my soul in one piece.
"Mr. and Mrs. Cake!" she called in a sing song voice. "We have a royal visitor!"
They poked their heads out of the kitchen and quickly manned the counter.
"What can I get for your highness?"
"Please, just William will do. I'm only part of the cabinet."
"Oh, alright. What can I get for you, William?"
"Well, the Queen has heard of your shop, and sent me to judge your cuisine. So, I'd like one of everything."
"Everything?" Pinkie asked.
"Yes, everything."
"Pinkie, these are for a royal palette. I don't think she'd like your cherrychanga."
"Nonsense" she snickered. "Also, I should tell you I settled on chimicherrychanga."
Mr. Cake looked at me quizzically, silently asking if I wanted to go through with this.
"Well, she has a taste for some rather odd things, so maybe she will like this chimicherrychanga of yours."
"Alright!" she exclaimed, bouncing into the kitchen.
"I hope you know what you're getting yourself into" Mr. Cake said, retreating into the kitchen.
I chuckled and sat down at one of the tables. In a few moments, Pinkie brought out a burrito leaking red.
"Here you are 'William'" she said with a wink.
"I take it you know, then?"
"Yep. I knew all along. Don't worry, though. Your secret's safe with me."
"Ain't no hiding anything from you, Pinkie."
"So, I know your secret, but I don't know why."
"Just for fun, is all."
"Oh, so you're pranking people?"
"Precisely. Now, look out. The Cakes are coming."
She backed away and let the couple come through. They were pulling a cart stacked to overflowing with every treat on the menu.
"Oh my" I said, blinking in surprise. "I may just skip over some of these. I don't think I could stomach all of them."
"Oh, take your time, hun. This will be the biggest purchase anyone has ever made."
That was when I realized I had too few bits. Would it be cheating to just conjure some? I decided that that would wind up hurting the economy, so as I munched I devised a way to pay for this. Since I was supposed to be a member of the cabinet, I would just borrow some of the bits from them. I would pay them back, of course, but over a course of time. I had very little trouble doing this. It surprised me at first, but I assumed my facade was just that good. With the bits in paw, I payed for the delicacies, choosing only the finest. Just to humor Pinkie, I bought a chimicherrychanga. This purchase confused both of the Cakes, but they decided not to pester me about it. I made my way back to the library, hoping Twilight was there. She was, her head buried in a book.
"Madame?" I asked as I entered.
"No one else is here, you can drop the act."
"Phew. It was getting rather tiring talking so haughtily."
"So, I found your little illusion."
"Oh, crap. Did I forget to unsummon him?"
"Yeah. Please don't though, it's awfully nice knowing there's always someone else here."
"Are you getting lonely?"
"Well, no” she said, but I gave her a questioning look. “Alright, sometimes. It's only when you're gone, though” she confessed.
"Would you rather me never leave?"
"No, that would get a little weird."
"That's what I thought. Did anything happen after I left?"
"I gave the Ace his dick back."
"I sure hope they don't decide to 'celebrate' again."
"Well, you remember what happened last time, right?"
"Yeah, yeah. We went on a long quest to find out what it was like for the opposite gender."
She giggled. "And that was fun, right?"
"Yeah, it was. Still, I don't think Ponyville can spare another three days."
"I sure had fun on those three days" said the pink fluff of a pony.
"Oh, really?" I asked, having gotten used to her random appearances. "Who'd you do then?"
"It would be easier to list who I didn't" she said with a snicker. "On that list are you two, Ace, and Rainbow."
"Wow, you get around."
"Are you calling me a slut?"
"No, I'm just saying you know how to have fun."
She giggled, then left.
"I'm used to her appearing out of nowhere, but that whole walking through walls still disturbs me" Twilight said, shivering.
"That's why I don't look." We both laughed at this, and I felt I had to ask something. "How do you feel about polyamory?"
"That's a really weird question. You know that, right?"
"Yeah, but still. I'm curious."
"Well, I've always seen monogamy as synonymous with monotony, but I wouldn't go out with anypony else if you were uncomfortable with it."
"If I was uncomfortable with it, would I have asked?"
She giggled. "I guess you're right. I suppose you ask because you've got your eye on somepony?"
"Other than you, yes."
"Well, I do too."
"You tell me yours and I'll tell you mine?"
She chuckled. "Alright, I'll tell you. I really like Ace.”
If I had been drinking coffee, I would have spat it out. "What!? Why?”
“Well, maybe I’ve got a thing for extra planar beings.”
I chuckled, then said “He wouldn’t go for you.”
“Why?”
“He doesn’t believe in polyamory.”
“And you know this how?”
“Oh, you know, knowing each other since we could talk. You tend to pick things up when you share that much time together.”
“Oh, well I guess that one goes out the window.”
"You can always fantasize" I said with a wink.
"Yeah, I could. But who needs to fantasize when I've got you?" she said, snuggling up next to me.
I rested my chin on her head and we just sat there, feeling each other's warmth.
"So" she said after a while. "I told you mine."
"Oh, right. I have my eye on Vinyl Scratch" I said, having introduced myself to her earlier.
“You know she’s taken, right?”
“Well, not everything is meant to be, I guess.”
“Yeah, but at least you still have me, right?”
“Right” I said, nuzzling her.
“Anything interesting happening today?” I asked after a long while.
“There’s supposed to be an army rally. I was kind of interested in who we were going to war with this time.”
“You guys go to war?”
She smiled grimly. “Of course we do. I don’t like it, but we do.”
“I might have some things to say to them. Let’s go.”
She looked at me worriedly, but lead the way nonetheless. When we arrived, the speaker was already on stage.
“Hear me, citizens of Ponyville!” he called. “The griffin army has restarted the age old war we have always fought. We need more soldiers so we can wipe out the griffin threat and the griffin race forever. Who wants to join, for the glory of Celestia?”
A few ponies climbed up to the stage, and signed their names. I glared at them, and eventually could not be silent anymore.
“Genocide is not the answer!” I shouted, causing every pony in the crowd to turn to me. “I come from another world, a world I saw destroyed by hatred and war. I will not let you go through with this!”
My statement earned a scattered applause, but the speaker just snorted.
“If you stand against us, we will imprison you for betrayal of the crown.”
“Ooh, I’m scared. Do you really think the threat of imprisonment will stop me from preserving that which is most precious, the right to live?”
“I find it rather ironic that a carnivore like you would talk about the right to live.”
“For your information, I have altered my internal organs to be able to digest a more life friendly diet.”
This seemed to shut him up. A few ponies in the crowd gathered around me, facing the war monger down.
“Right, a ragtag group of ponies can stop the military from capturing an enemy of the state. Arrest them. All of them.”
The other military ponies advanced, but I stopped them with a slab of rock.
“The very ground you stand on will obey my word. I am the ally of the earth. No prison can hold me, and no life form can stop me.”
This scared the shit out of him, and he sounded the retreat. The attending unicorn’s horns glowed, and they all disappeared.
“I need to go for a walk” I said, leaving a worried Twilight behind me.
I let him go. I knew he needed to think, and I knew I needed to do some organizing in the library. I only began to worry when he didn’t show up for dinner. So, I began to search for him in the evening twilight. I already knew where I’d find him, at the entrance to his world. He was simply laying there, chin on paws, staring into the irradiated tunnel.
“Hi” he said as I approached.
“Why do you do this to yourself?” I asked, sitting by him.
“What do you mean?” he asked, not even turning to me.
“You’re living in the past. Your world is gone, but you seem to refuse to accept that.”
He guffawed jovially, and I looked at him skeptically.
“I’m not living in the past” he said, wiping a tear from his eye. “I’m waiting for the radiation to subside so I could possibly watch humanity rebuild itself.”
I couldn’t help but laugh at this. “Here I was, worried you were working yourself into a depression.”
“I would never do that” he said, smiling.
I looked at him for a while, smiling softly, and he made to kiss me. I was about to return the motion, but broke out laughing.
“What’s so funny?” he asked, looking hurt.
This only drove my laughter further. “Emotions look funnier on dogs” I managed to say between fits.
He looked at me, first confused, then amused. “I hope this doesn’t impede anything.”
“I don’t know if I’ll be able to recover enough to laugh again” I said, then gasped in an attempt to recover my breath.
“You alright?” he asked, looking worried.
“Stop with the emotions!” I cried, being driven further into my laughter fit.
He adopted a completely emotionless face, but that only made me laugh harder. He sat there, doing nothing, and I eventually recomposed myself.
“You alright?” he asked, devoid of emotion.
“We’ll see how long I last.”
“So, why’d you come find me?”
“You missed dinner.”
He facepawed. “I can’t believe I did that” he teleported away, and I was right behind him.
Princess Celestia
“And you say Twilight was with him?” I asked the general that had spoken in Ponyville.
“Yes, your highness.”
“Oh, Twilight, why do you always pick the rebels?” I mused to myself. “Kill him. None must stand in the way of the griffin genocide” I said with definity.
“Yes, your majesty” he said, bowing deeply.
“Oh, and try not to kill any bystanders this time” I said, making him wince.
“I’ll try, ma’am” he said, leaving.
Kiqo
Mom had always told me to listen to my gut. Why hadn’t I listened this time? Now I had been backed into an alley, rifle toting grunts on my tail. I had to get out of town, for Twilight’s sake, but where? Then, I ran into a zebra that gave me an idea.
“Zecora, I need a place to hide. Think you could help me out?”
One of the army ponies spotted me then, and called his buddies.
“Say no more, little pup. Zecora will fix you up.”
We took off into the darkened streets of Ponyville, making a beeline for the Everfree.
“They’re heading for the Everfree!” shouted a grunt. “Fire!”
I spoke a few words, and a stone slab rose up to shield us. Zecora looked at me incredulously, but kept on running. We only stopped for breath when we reached her house.
“I can’t thank you enough, Zecora. I hardly even know you, and you helped me out of a tight spot.”
“If you want to repay me, then don’t ever leave the Everfree.”
I looked at her questioningly, but then I understood.
“To preserve those I love, I can’t be with them.”
She smiled sadly at me, and I left. I had lived for long enough in the wilds back home to know how to survive. I reversed the effect I had put on my organs, allowing me to eat meat again. Then, I found a river and constructed a shelter. This was easy, since I just spoke a house into existence. After that was complete, I searched the forest floor for tracks, and soon found a well used game trail. I memorized its position, then went to lay down for the night. Once in my bed, I released my spirit and visited Twilight. I was concerned that somepony would see me, but I just had to see her.
“Twilight?” I asked hesitantly as I entered the library.
“Kiqo?” asked a tearstained mare’s voice.
I followed the voice, and found her lying in bed, crying her eyes out.
“Oh my goodness, it really is you!” she exclaimed, an expression of unbridled glee on her face. “No one ever escapes the Princess’ orders.”
“That’s actually what I came to tell you.”
“You’re not dead, are you?” she asked, mortified.
“Oh, no. Nothing like that. I’m just stuck in the Everfree. I would love to leave, but for your safety, I can’t.”
“Well, you could come back but not live with me.”
“If I did that, I’d have to get a job and I swore to my last boss, who fired me for not sticking by my word, that I’d never have a boss again. Also, I kinda owe Zecora.”
She smiled sadly. “I understand. Will I see you again?”
“If all goes according to plan, every night.”
“How will I know if something doesn’t go according to plan?”
“You’ll know when I don’t show up” I said, smiling sadly.
We spent the rest of the night together, just enjoying each other’s company, but when the sun came up I said farewell. I settled back into my body and set out for the morning hunt. I quickly killed a deer and set to having my breakfast. When I had finished my meal, I carried him back to my shelter and proceeded to salt the meat and tan the hide. About half way through this process, I saw a gleam in the sky.
Joe
Wolves, why wolves? The only thing I was afraid of, and they somehow found us. We had unloaded clip after clip into the pack, but without success. They had taken the others, and also got me in the ribs. I loaded my last clip, and prepared myself to launch back into the fray. I knew I was going to die, so I sent a letter to Princess Celestia. I wrapped my finger around the trigger and leaped out from behind the rock I had hidden behind. My small volley thinned the pack considerably, but enough jaws were left to tear through my scales.
Princess Celestia
I finished a meeting with a high ranking pony, and was about to start another when a small cloud of smoke came in through the open window. It formed itself into a scroll. Written on it were the hastily scribbled words of a dying dragon.
‘We were wiped out. If you want to kill him, you can’t send any more troops. You’ll have to use that new weapon the Manehattan Project is working on.
-Joe’
I read his words with horror, and wondered if it was really worth it. Could one mangy mutt stop a war? My thoughts were interrupted by a knock on the door.
“Enter” I said.
A pony with frizzy white hair entered. “We have completed it, Princess. All it needs is a target.”
“The Everfree.”
“I’m sorry?”
“The Everfree. Your target is the Everfree.”
“Any particular part?”
“Can’t it hit all of it?”
“Not quite.”
I sighed, and cast a spell. It located the dog I was looking for, tucked away in the Everfree near a river. I put his location onto a sheet of parchment, and gave it to the scientist.
“Yes, this is much more specific. We’ll get right on it, Your Majesty.”
Kiqo
I watched it fall in sheer terror. I wondered what I was going to do about the nuke. I couldn’t even think as I watched it in fall in slow motion. The bomb fell lazily to the ground, and hit the damp earth with a thud. I stared at it, waiting for the explosion, but none came. In realization that it was a dud, my brain clicked back on.
I stepped out of the house and carefully approached it. It looked just like the ones back on Earth. I cried bitter tears for a world not yet lost, and proceeded to bury it. I buried it deeply, making sure there was at least a mile of rock between it and the surface. When I had finished that, I returned to my hut. As I salted the venison, my mind raced.
If they have nuclear bombs, then preventing the genocide of the griffin people would be harder than expected. Did they even know the risks? I could tell them. Would they listen to an enemy of the state? How else could I prevent this? My mind whirled through all sorts of scenarios that all ended in global annihilation, and I began to feel myself sink deeper into the pudding.
Zecora
I watched him silently from the bushes, hoping to not provoke him. I always watched him, since it was so amazing to watch him hunt. No matter how much he twitched and jerked in his psychosis, he never made a sound. I saw his prey, a young doe. The poor girl was just grazing, no idea that a mad dog was only feet from her. He leaped from the bushes, taking a cat’s style of hunting instead of a dog’s. It did make sense, since he had no pack. I watched the grisly scene, hardly even disgusted any more. When he had had his fill, he departed with the carcass back to his den and I returned to mine. As I was leaving, however, I felt his eyes on me. I shuddered, and galloped as hard as I could home, afraid his stomach might change its mind.
Friday the thirteenth was always my lucky day. And this Friday was especially lucky. Rainbow found she was pregnant. We had Twilight cast a spell, and found it would be a colt. She seemed a little down, but I couldn’t figure out why. She had told us that Kiqo had fled to the Everfree, but she also said he visited her. As we left her company, she only gave us a sad congratulations.
“Something’s eating her” I said, casting a worried glance back at the library.
“Yeah. I can’t figure out what. I mean, she said Kiqo visited her the night before last.”
“Maybe he didn’t come back” I mused, hoping he was alright.
“Well, I think we have enough to worry about.”
“Yeah, I suppose we do. Having any cravings?”
“I’m not even hungry.”
“Well, I suppose that’s good. Who knows what you’ll be wanting.”
“Maybe I’ll want pickle cupcakes.”
I pondered this for a moment. “That almost sounds tasty.”
She elbowed me. “Get outta here! You can’t seriously think that’d be good, can you?”
“There’s only one way to find out” I said, eyeing the Sugarcube Corner building.
“I’m not sure I want to know.”
I chuckled. “Sure you do” I said, opening the door.
“Hey guys!” Pinkie exclaimed. “Hold on, something’s different.”
“Rainbow’s-” I started, but was quickly silenced by a pink hoof.
“Don’t tell me!” she held her hooves to her temples and rubbed. Suddenly she gasped. “You’re pregnant?!”
We stared at her in total surprise. “How did you-” Rainbow started.
“Oh, didn’t I tell you? My Pinkie sense evolved!”
“Evolved into what?” I asked, snickering.
“It didn’t evolve into anything, it just gained a new ability.”
I collapsed into a fit of laughter, earning me a pair of concerned glances.
“Are you alright?” Rainbow asked.
“How are you not finding this funny?” I asked through bursts of laughter.
“Why would we?” Pinkie asked.
I stopped laughing and sat up. “Have you never heard of Pokemon?”
“Pokewhat?” Rainbow asked, completely confused.
“Wow, I never thought I’d miss those little pixels so much” I said, staring sadly at the floor.
“Oh, was it something from Earth?” Pinkie asked, looking concerned.
“Yeah” I said sadly. “Oh well, it’s not like they were even real.”
“So, what were they?” Rainbow asked, trying to cheer me up.
“A game. That’s all. So many wanted them real, though. It honestly would’ve been scary if they were, but it still woulda been cool.”
“Well, you’ll live without them, right?”
“I guess. But, I may not live if I don’t have a pickle cupcake.”
“Is that what you came for?” Pinkie asked, seeming ready to take off for the kitchen.
“Yep. It was his idea.”
“You brought it up.”
“Still, you were the one that suggested trying it.”
“Well, I know that, but you started it.”
“You started it.”
“No, you did.”
“You did.”
“You did.”
We bickered playfully for a while, but were interrupted by Pinkie, who was carrying a pair of green cupcakes.
“You two act like an old married couple” she said, smiling.
I chuckled. “Neither old or married, but one of those may change soon.”
“Oh, I getcha” she said with a wink. “How big will it be?”
“As big as I can afford.”
“Hey, hey, hey! What am I missing here?” Rainbow asked indignantly.
“It’s a surprise. About nine months’ salary and you’ll find out.”
She looked at me questioningly, and I could almost see the cogs turning. Finally, she got it, and adopted a look of pleasant surprise. We left the bakery, talking about what kind of diamond I should get her.
“Maybe Rarity could hook you up” Rainbow said, taking her first bite of the cupcake. “Hey, these are pretty good.”
“I concur” I said, enjoying the strange taste.
“Not you, too” she said, looking horrified.
I laughed. “Don’t worry. I’m not that bad.”
“I sure hope not.”
We walked over to Carousel Boutique and asked Rarity about diamonds.
“Diamonds?! Did you say diamonds?” she asked hysterically.
“Yeah, I did” I said, backing away from the gem crazed pony. “Do you know where I could get one?”
“Oh, you want one. I thought you might be making a donation. I’m actually a little short on diamonds. If you want to help me dig some up, I would be happy to give you one.”
“Spike too busy?”
“I actually haven’t talked to him since the party” she said, taking a sheepish pose.
“Oh. What happened?” Rainbow asked, finishing her cupcake.
“Well, he said he loved me, and I said I did too, but I’m not sure I meant it. I was drunk and wanted him so bad. Such vulgar wantings” she said, hiding her face.
“Well, if I may, I have had the same sorts of feelings, and the only way that I’ve found to find if you actually love someone is to give love a shot.”
“Well, maybe you’re right. I suppose I could ask him out on a date, just to see where things go” she said, and left.
“I think she may have forgotten what we originally came for” I said, watching her go.
“Well, maybe if things work out between her and Spike, she’ll remember.”
We proceeded to live our lives from day to day, and about a year later, she went into labor. She didn’t take long to shoot the little scamp out, and the day after they were released.
“So, have you thought about what you’ll name him?” I asked her on her first day home.
“No, I haven’t. Have you?”
“Well, I’ve always wanted a son, so I’ve put quite a bit of thought into it. I was thinking Rory.”
“That’s an odd name. Where’s it come from?”
“Good old Ireland. I’ve always loved the name, and hoped to one day name my kid such.”
“Well, I like it too” she said, and Rory whinnied in agreement.
“So, I’ve been thinking” I started.
“Oh no!” Rainbow said in mock shock.
I chuckled. “Well, a year ago we went into a friend’s boutique looking for a diamond, and to this day she has not gotten back to me on that.”
It was her turn to chuckle. “Still got your heart set on getting me a huge rock?”
“Well, maybe not huge, but decently sized.”
“Well, let’s go see if she has one handy.”
I snickered. “Diamond handy.”
She rolled her eyes. “Come on, mister immature.”
We made our way over to Rarity’s, but when we entered, she was nowhere in sight.
“Rarity?” I called, hoping I wasn’t waking her.
Spike poked his head over the loft. “She can’t come down, guys. She’s a little immobilized.”
“What happened?” Rainbow asked, looking genuinely worried.
“It’d be easier to show you. Come on up.”
We flew up, and he guided us into her bedroom. Twilight was in there, and so was a ton of machinery. Rarity was laying on a cot, her stomach open to the air. Both biological and mechanical cords stretched from her to a large tube beside her.
“Holy crap” I said, taking in all this with complete befuddlement. “What is all this?”
“Well” Twilight said, not turning from the controls. “Spike impregnated Rarity at that party, and I’m starting to see why dragons and ponies don’t mate. She had a dragon inside her, its scales tearing up her insides since it had no shell, so I had to put it into this tube. Although, she still needs to be hooked up because her body is still producing pregnancy based hormones and I can’t figure out what to feed this thing, so she needs to be wired up twenty four seven.”
“I’d like some watermelon” Rarity said. “Spike, would you be a dear?”
“Yes, m’lady” he said, dashing off.
“This is absolutely harrying” Twilight said, finally turning to us.
She had bags under her eyes a mile deep and her mane was a rat’s nest.
“How many days have you been awake?” Rainbow asked, backing away slightly.
“It doesn’t matter how much I sleep, the days are just so packed that it feels like I never sleep. I’m up as a body during the day, and as a soul at night, so I’m working ‘round the clock just making sure neither of them die.”
“Wow, sounds intense.”
“That’s one word for it.”
“So, why didn’t you take her to a hospital?” I asked, almost afraid of the answer.
“Well, Spike stayed over one night, but he eventually came back saying she was in intense pain. I cast a spell, looking for whatever was paining her, and found the baby dragon. I quickly got this set up, and didn’t even think about a hospital until just now.”
“How long has she been like this?”
“She’s been pregnant for a year, but the pain only started six months ago.”
“Wow” Rainbow said, dumbstruck. “But my pregnancy only lasted a year, so when is she expected to deliver?”
“Well, dragon eggs take up to five years to hatch usually, so I don’t know. Of course, if it was an egg, I could have already hatched it, but I don’t know what will happen if I try that.”
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I asked.
“They could both die” she said flatly.
“Well, no reason to risk it” Rainbow said, followed by an ominous thump on the roof.
“What was that?” I asked, staring at where the sound had come from.
Suddenly the machine started beeping. “Crap, I have to get back to work. Could you go see what that was?”
We flew up to the roof, and found a griffin.
“Oh goody, the first to die” she said, lunging at us.
We dodged her attack, and knocked her out quickly. Then, a royal crier flew down in the town square.
“I am here to warn you that the griffins have broken through our ranks at the border. If you see a griffin, kill it. They must not live, for your safety and for the safety of others” he said, and took off.
I looked down at the unconscious featherball, and then gave Rainbow a questioning look. She shrugged, and I proceeded to snap its feathered neck.
“Well, it seems that the fight has come to us” said a familiar voice from behind us.
We turned to see Kiqo, using his tail to hover there.
“I’m not sure it’s a good thing to see you” I said cautiously.
He cackled maniacally. “That is for me to know, and for you to ponder” he said, taking off.
“Poor guy. I can’t remember the last time he was this out” I said, watching him sadly.
“What do you mean by ‘out’?” Rainbow asked.
“Insane. He’s never been too awfully stable, but he seems to keep it under control most of the time. I can’t even begin to imagine what drove him over the edge” I said, turning back to her sadly.
“I just hope he doesn’t turn his insanity against us.”
“Well, you remember what Twilight said he did at that military demonstration.”
“Yeah” she said hesitantly.
“Well, I imagine he won’t exactly be prejudiced. If I know him, he won’t hesitate to kill whoever stands in his way.”
“Well, she did say that he wanted to stop the killing. Will he kill in order to do that?”
“Time can only tell.”
The front lines. Why did I have to be here? It’s day, so this should be Celestia’s job. She should be the one hunkered behind solid steel fearing for her life. How could she trick me like this? I would make her pay for this one, and the moon incident, too, some day. But now is not the time to think about that.
“Hood thugs, head right!” I called. “Gangstas, head left!” Letting them name their platoons was the worst decision. “They’re bringing in a mortar! Take it out!” I cried, followed by the whoosh of a rocket flying past. There was a resounding explosion, and when the dust cleared, the mortar was no more. But something else was. Or possibly someone.
“Ho, Princess!” it called. “I have not had the pleasure of introducing myself to royalty” he said, poking his snout out of the presiding dust. “You may call me Kiqo.”
“No!” I almost shouted. “She had you killed. First, our best squad, then she dropped a bomb on you. How are you alive?”
“Lady Luck decided to smile upon me that day. The bomb was a dud. Now, about the reason I came.”
“Oh, yes, I know what you’re about to say. ‘Stop the killing. Genocide isn’t the answer.’ Go join your followers” I said, nodding at a group of protesters.
He cackled. “Silly Princess. You think I am that simple?” He laughed again. “I have realized the futility of that pursuit, but He tells me that you are planning to drop a bomb soon.”
“Ha! Whoever ‘He’ is, he’s wrong. The decision is up to Celestia, and she has not contacted me for counsel on the matter” I was about to go on, but a dragon tapped me on the shoulder.
Kiqo smiled eerily as I read the note. ‘Luna, as my sister and co-ruler, I need your advice on this matter. The griffins are breaking through your ranks, leaking into residential towns, and I am running out of options. We must bomb them. -Celestia.’ Her royal seal was at the bottom, confirming its authenticity.
I looked up at Kiqo in pure shock. “How?”
“That is none of your concern” he said, grinning ever wider. “What is your concern is what that bomb will do. The havoc it wreaks is more than you could ever imagine. My world was destroyed, albeit not by one, but one is still very destructive.”
“Well, obviously. That’s the point.”
He chuckled. “Of course, but I do not believe you realize the extent of the destruction. It is a lot like an octopus, its tentacles of doom reaching much farther from its central body.”
“As if. What does happen, since you seem to know so much about it?”
Instead of answering, his horn flared, and all sound was lost. Then, everything faded to black, leaving only his glistening canines, still smiling madly. Eventually, though, I could hear again. And then, I saw. I saw a town of bipedal beings. There was a flash, and a radiating explosion. Every biped near it was vaporized. The ones farther away still died, though not quite so intensely.
“See” I said to the ever present smile. “It works.”
“Oh, just wait.”
I waited, and saw the entire planet, from above, saw nukes falling everywhere.
“Everywhere you see a bomb fall is a replication of the same scene you just saw. The blast radius is wide enough that they overlap in a way that covers every square inch of the planet. One man pressed one button, and caused this.”
I could not do anything but stare in horror.
He laughed at my expression. “Yes, Princess, this is what could happen. Of course, it won’t, because the Griffin Empire does not have nuclear armaments.”
“Now is when I say ‘So, what’s the problem?’, right?”
He chuckled. “You have no obligation to do any such thing. I just prefer to be long winded. I have had no one to speak to but myself, and even I can get boring.”
“No” I said, voice dripping with sarcasm. “Really? I never would’ve guessed.”
He laughed. “I like you. You’ve got attitude. Anyways, let’s look into the future, watch the paranoid ones crawl out of their holes.”
He did, and I watched as, one at a time, they crawled up from beneath.
“Wait, why is it all snowy?” I couldn’t help but ask.
“Nuclear winter, dear Princess. The ash and dust raised by the bombs blocks out the sun, causing the planet to freeze. These humans will have a hard time of it, unable to grow anything, due to both irradiation and cold. But” he said, skipping to another location. “People like this are lucky enough to be in a place unaffected by radiation” he skipped forward, showing people flowing to the man, and an empire slowly building. “See, humanity, just like any life, has a natural urge to keep going. And, giving in to baser urges, they do just that. This is where your problem enters. The griffin people will no doubt survive, in small pockets, and will one day rise up. Either they will hide until you have built upon their ground, and proceed to slaughter your people, shake the trust in the empire on a basis of inability to protect its citizens, cause civil disrupt, and end in a revolt against the kingdom, or they will play the other card in their small hand. The pity card. They come into your kingdom, tell the tale of the atrocity you committed, then the community will rise up, overthrow you and your sister, denounce you two to a lesser role of only sun and moon raisings. They will elect a griffin, and that griffin will bring griffins into the palace, shutting out all ponies. The ponies will not harass him about it, simply let him do as he pleases, since he was the one whose race was killed off. When this happens, either he will drive the ponies into exile, or he will kill all the ponies.”
“And you know this how?”
“Hmm, yes. I do not believe I was clear on who ‘He’ is, was I?”
“No, you weren’t”
“Well, you see, He is the Beast of Words.”
“And you commune with him?”
“Yes, I do. He knows all things, since all things can be reduced to words. All history is recorded, in one way or another, and he winds up being omniscient. He has seen these three different timelines, yet he does not know which timeline ours will wind up being.”
“So, he’s not completely omniscient?”
“When you look at the big picture too long, you tend to forget the ink that makes it up.”
“I guess that makes sense. Still, you’re sure that this will happen?”
“Most definitely. Now, if you do not decide nuke the griffins, but continue on with the war, you will either lose, and it will turn into pony genocide, or you will win and kill every griffin. The women and the children will not be excluded, but some will hide in the bushes, escape your wrath, then the three previous scenarios will come into play.”
“So, we should surrender?”
“No, definitely not. That would end in pony genocide. And, you may be thinking that the three scenarios come back, but the griffins are heartless and thorough. But, if you get the other side to surrender, then you can safely surrender without threat.”
“So, what do we do?”
“We play games.”
“Alright, now I know you’re mad.”
He chortled. “I speak not of board games, but of mind games.”
General Hawkeye
The front line. My favorite line. I loved hearing the rockets fly past. Such a wonderful place. That is what I thought, right before I received the most disturbing message. It was a head. A griffin head. But not any griffin head. It was my wife’s. In her beak was a note.
‘This is your wife, and we have your son. Just thought I’d let you know. Either you surrender or I kill him. Signed, you and yours’ demise’
I looked up, peered through the haze of battle, and saw two shadows. There was a small shape, probably griffin, and a large shape, definitely dog by the eerie smile. The smile seemed to pierce everything. The haze, my eyelids, my mind, heart, my very soul. Just that smile told me the depths of psychosis this dog had succumbed to. I knew he would pull that trigger just for the sick pleasure of watching him die. I readied the white flag, but was stopped by a young griffin.
“What are you doing, sir? I thought our goal was to dominate the Equestrians by any means necessary.”
“Well, yes, but they have my son over there.”
He looked, and was immediately assailed by a head.
“No. No! Winnie! I said I would come back to you. Why did you get impatient?”
“See what I mean? He has his grubby paws in all our lives. So, to preserve the mental health of all the soldiers on this field, I’m just going to raise this flag.”
So I did. I let it fly high, and called back my soldiers. The dog untied my son, and he flew over to me.
“Daddy! I was so worried. Why did this happen?”
“This is war, son. This is life I lead, but will no longer.”
“Well, now that you have surrendered, I can reveal something” said the dog, coming over. “I imagine you will not believe me, but you will in time” he pulled a pistol from his holster. “I do apologize, but I think this may uncomplicate things” he said, and shot my son. “Go home, to your real family. If you refuse to, and resume the attack, I may not be so gracious as to use fakes.”
I stared at him in horror, but something told me he was right.
“But, how can I know if you actually used a fake?”
He didn’t respond, just grinned evilly and disappeared. Even when he was gone, his smile lingered, like some kind of cartoon.
“So, you flew the flag because he had a fake version of your son hostage? What happened to the fearless Hawkeye?” asked one of the soldiers.
“Oh, silly little griffin. Little do you know that if he didn’t, your entire race would be dead” said that same haunting canine voice.
“Alright, if that was who had your ‘son’, then I don’t blame you. He’s fucking creepy.”
I heard a disembodied laugh, but then there was no more sound besides the sound of various feet and wings carrying bodies and weapons home.
‘Dearest sister, I regret to inform you that I can not let you do this. If you remember correctly, you once had a nuke on a course for one dog named Kiqo. That was a dud, and he survived. He visited me, showed me things. He showed me what a nuclear bomb does to a planet. I highly advise that we keep these armaments to ourself, but never use them. Please understand this, sister. It is for our own good. -Luna’
How could he possibly survive? That frizzy haired son of a workhorse said it would work, so why didn’t it?
“Oh, Princess” said a disturbing voice. “Don’t beat yourself, or anyone else for that matter, up about it. It’s highly likely, but not guaranteed, to explode.”
“Who are you? Show yourself! Guards!” I shouted, seriously freaking out.
The guards snapped to attention, looking for the unseen invader.
“Oh, please. You couldn’t kill me if you tried” the voice said, and the guards’ spears proceeded to get floppy. “Oh, I’m sorry, does someone need some Viagra?” the voice cackled gleefully, and all eight guards blushed profusely.
“At least identify yourself” I said, trying to keep my composure.
“I’m hurt” said the voice, the emotion showing through. “You send a squad of men after me, then attempt to disintegrate me, and you don’t even know my name.”
“No! You can’t be alive. We lost too many men for you to be alive.”
“Oh, dear Princess. You would not believe the steaming pile of shit you would be in if I had never come here.”
“Try me.”
“Well, for starters, your protege would not be as advanced in magic as she is now. And, you’d have had a cult slaughter Ponyville, and then probably every town in Equestria. And, knowing you, you’d probably just nuke them. And then the griffins. And you’d come to be known as the Burning Sun, instead of the Radiant Sun. You’d just as soon kill a handful of yours to kill an opposing army as blink. You’d rule with fear instead of respect, and Equestria would bow in fear when you came down off your throne.”
“What of Luna?”
“Well, you deployed her on the front lines, didn’t you? What do you think would happen?”
I stared at the disembodied smile in pure horror.
“I kill her? But, why would I do that?”
“She would go down in the books as a martyr, dying so that others may live. Of course, she wouldn’t actually have to die, but you would become impatient.”
“I don’t think I can believe you. Where do you get this profound blasphemy?”
“Would you like to meet Him?”
“Yes.”
“Your wish is my command” he said mockingly, and reality proceeded to melt.
The walls flowed away, rising away into the sky, and they eventually disappeared. What was left was a dark void with only a pair of glistening smiles and a malicious set of glowing eyes to be seen. I stood there, staring at the larger smile and the eyes, completely horrified. I had been scared before, like when Luna and I first faced down Discord. This was more. It was soul piercing, never ending, infinitely deep horror.
“Speak, little pony” said the mouth, and his voice seemed to be backed by a thousand other voices, each in its own tongue, forming an unholy chorus.
“I am told that you speak to this dog and supply him with blasphemous lies.”
He laughed, and it shook so much that I actually felt it vibrate my bones. “I know you lie. You were told I speak to him, no more.”
“How do you know these things?”
He spoke, one word in a thousand tongues, and there was light. He revealed himself, a swirling mass of letters and symbols, and I suddenly knew everything about how he knew. I saw our conversation, and every one I had ever had.
“So, why do you speak to him, of all beings?”
He laughed again. “I have been put here, in a prison, in order to not threaten the multiverse. He is my warden, he feeds me and guards me, and so I advise him.”
“Why would you help your captor?”
“It is for my own good to be here. An omniscient being should not be allowed to meddle in the ways of the universe. I am also prone to violent mood swings, so they decided I was not up to the task of keeping myself out of trouble, so they set up a deal with me. I would be imprisoned, according to my will, and a warden would be assigned. They think I am not meddling, but they are wrong. I am simply meddling to a lesser degree.”
“So, if Kiqo never existed, I would wind up killing my sister?”
He laughed heartily. “You would, so you should be thanking Kiqo.”
“I guess I should. Thanks, Kiqo.”
I heard him laugh from beside me. “Maybe you’d like to call off your goons?”
“They're dead.”
“Oh” he said, sounding sad. “That’s terrible. I had no idea.”
“Wait, so you didn’t kill them?”
“No, why would I do that?”
“Well, I didn’t know what happened to them, so I assumed it was you. That’s actually why I dropped the bomb on you.”
“So, what did happen to them?” he asked the beast of words.
His body opened up, showing words. The final thoughts of a dying dragon. They warped and twisted, forming that final scene. How he sent his message, then went out with a bang.
“I wish we had met on different circumstances” Kiqo said, sounding awfully mournful.
“Well, that has satisfied that curiosity, but what would have happened if I Kiqo didn’t exist? I have heard, but I would like to see.”
So he showed me. Equestria surrounded by atomic ash and soot. All foreign relations severed. Equestria had become a land of war, not to mention a monarchy state. He decided to show me one specific scene. It was the cult Kiqo had spoken of. Their leader sent a squad to Ponyville, and they slaughtered everyone indiscriminately. I dropped a beta stage nuke on Ponyville, killing everyone in the town, even my beloved student. I watched a later scene, the final griffin battle. It looked much different. Instead of on the border of griffin territory, it took place at the capital. Our ponies came in in hazmat suits, doubtless because of the radiation surrounding the capital. Luna was there, looking a lot less regal in the white plastic suit. Then, they were beaten back. The griffin’s final stand, hunkering down in the wreckage that was once their glorious capital. Luna took a shot to the chest and had the scribe tell me to end the griffin race once and for all. So I did. I didn’t know that she would watch it fall, a grim smile teasing her lips. I did know, however, that she would be turned into nothing but dust. I should have never asked to see.
“I want to go back” I said, not even conscious of what I was saying. “Please. Take me back.”
At my behest, I was taken back to my throne room. But not before seeing one thing that would haunt my nightmares. The griffin emperor. He survived, and I saw that Luna didn’t even die a martyr. She died for no reason. She died because of me, that’s all. I killed her. She didn’t die from the bullet wound. She didn’t commit honorable suicide. I killed her. And I could feel that alternate Celestia. When she received the letter, she wasn’t sad, she was happy. She wanted to be rid of her. I killed my own sister in cold blood.
“Hey, Princess, are you alright?” asked Kiqo, sounding a lot more sane.
“Yes, I think so. I may have nightmares, but I think I will be alright.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“No” I said defiantly. “Now leave. And fix my guards’ spears.”
“Do this, do that” he said mockingly.
He repaired the spears and left me to my thoughts. I sat upon my throne, waiting for Luna to return and raise the moon.
“Sister?” Luna said, ripping me from my thoughts.
“Oh, sorry Luna. I’ve been a little preoccupied.”
“Well, I’m going to raise the moon, and then I’m going to sit you down and have a chat. Whether you like it or not.”
I couldn’t help but grin at her motherly tone, and watched her raise the moon. For being banished so long, she was still very good.
“Now then” she said when her duty was done. “You are going to tell me what’s on your mind.”
“Yes, ma’am” I said, mock saluting.
“Oh, sorry. I’ve been dealing with soldiers all day.”
“No, I should be the one who’s sorry. I should have never put you on the front line, I could have had a general out there.”
“No, I understand why you did it. You did it to make me stronger, and I appreciate that.”
“Well, I still feel bad.”
“Why?”
“I saw some things.”
“Like what?”
“Kiqo took me to his informant.”
“The Beast of Words?”
“Yeah. He showed me an alternate timeline. One where Kiqo didn’t exist. He wasn’t there to stop a cult from slaughtering Ponyville, so to stop them, I destroyed Ponyville and all its residents. I began a reign of fear. Kiqo wasn’t there at the military demonstration to rally against the genocide, so I went ahead with it. The griffins protected their capital with stolen magic, so I had to send you in with a squad. You took a shot to the chest and told me to nuke them. I did, but...” I faltered, unable to say the next bit.
“But what?”
“Well, the emperor of the griffins survived, so you died in vain, but that wasn’t the worst part” I said, staring at the floor.
“What was the worst part?”
“I could feel my alternate self. She received your letter, and she was glad. Glad to hear that you were mortally wounded, glad to hear that you wanted to be vaporized. She ordered that bomb dropped with unbridled glee. She wanted you gone. I killed you in cold blood, Luna.”
She sat there, dumbstruck. “No wonder he went mad, having that voice in his ear all the time.”
“I don’t even want to know what that would be like.”
We were silent for a while, but she eventually spoke. “So, how did I look?”
“What?”
“When I died. How did I look when I died?”
“You were happy, Luna. You were so very happy. Happy because I told you the griffins were evil. Happy to be martyred in order to end them. Happy just because.”
Her eyes streamed with tears, and I held her close. “It’s alright, Luna. It never happened.”
“We were both happy when I died. That’s something, isn’t it?” she asked in a shaking voice.
“Oh, Luna. I would never take joy in killing you. I would never want to, and I hope I never will.”
“Oh, sister. I know you wouldn’t” she said, drying her eyes. “I wouldn’t either. Now, why don’t you get some rest?”
“See you in the morning, sis.”
Luna
Maybe that was her punishment. I said I would get back at her, and, in a way, I did. It may not have actually been me, but a circumstance that involved a form of me emotionally destroyed her. Maybe I wouldn’t have to get her back. If she hadn’t seen that, would I ever have? Could there possibly be a timeline where I am the monarch, and I am that way because I got fed up with her? I feel like that would never be possible, but in a way I know it could be.
Cornered with my magic disabled. I was basically dead. I could only hope they would not destroy my body so that I could reclaim it. I watched the three feathery bullies advance, one with wings aflare, one with horn poised to gore, the third bare of any extraneous extremities. I closed my eyes, braced for the end. Instead, I heard a strange vacuuming sound. I looked up, right into the face of my nightmares.
“Why did you have to come back? I was fine grieving by myself” I said to him.
“Come now” he said. “Would I have saved you if I was still feeling unsound?”
“I guess not” I pondered. “How long have you been back?”
“Not long. I just got back from Canterlot.”
“What were you doing there?”
“Stopping the war.”
“I suppose you were showing Celestia the reason why?”
“Indeed. I think she understood.”
“What did you tell her?”
“I didn’t tell her anything. I just showed her something.”
“And that was?”
“The Beast of Words.”
“What is that?”
“My charge. He is an omniscient being that is prone to violent mood swings, so I must keep him locked away so he doesn’t destroy the universes.”
“And where is he?”
“A blank universe.”
“And you just took Celestia there?”
“Yeah, what about it?”
“Do you really think that was a good idea?”
“I was insane. I wasn’t thinking.”
“I’ll believe that. Well, thanks for saving me and all, but where did they go?”
“Down. Into the depths of Hades, Hell, and Tartarus. Lava too.”
I couldn’t help myself. I crushed him in a big hug. “I missed you so much.”
“I’d love to say I did too, but I was more than a little psycho, so I didn’t have much on my mind.”
“Always so literal” I said with a grin.
He chuckled, but then I realized something. “Rarity!”
“What about her?”
“No time! Come on!”
“Race you there!”
“You’re on” I said, hoping that would spur me toward the boutique just that much faster.
When we entered, the machine was going crazy. I quickly dashed upstairs, and calmed the machine down.
“This seems like something I’d keep locked away in my basement. If I had one, that is” Kiqo said as he entered.
“Yeah, yeah. Mad scientist blah blah blah. Now, Rarity, are you alright?”
“I’m fine, dear. It was quite painful while you were away, though. That machine would just not stop beeping.”
“Well, I’m glad you’re alright” I said, turning. “Holy haybales! Kiqo, what are you doing?!”
“Watch and find out” he said, removing the baby from its tube.
He encased the dragon in a thin, smooth stone, much like a shell, then reinserted it into Rarity. He then removed the tubes and sewed her back up.
“There” he said. “Problem solved.”
Rarity got up, moved around, and then grinned. She hugged Kiqo, and planted a firm kiss on his cheek.
“Oh, thank you so much! It was just horrible being unable to move. Although, this won’t be much better, what with all this added weight.”
“I could get you a wheelchair.”
“That would be wonderful, darling!”
In a flash of light, Kiqo summoned a wheelchair, and Rarity took her seat.
“Comfy, though rather drab.”
“I’m sure you’ll find some way to spice it up.”
“What about the stairs?” I asked, finally shaken from my stupor.
In another flash of light, the stairs became ramps.
“Great. Just great. You appear out of nowhere, save my life, and rid me of my overloading work in just a few swift gestures. Are you a miracle worker?”
He chuckled. “No, I’m just that awesome.”
“Right. Sure you are.”
We three shared a laugh, and Kiqo and I walked back to the library to sleep. We could sleep in peace thanks to one pony who saved the town.
Ace
Who knew my Path would ever come in handy? I never expected the world to need a Knight, let alone one of Heart, even if mine was now Filled. Still, I took up the sword the town blacksmith had forged for me, and I used it to strike down the invading griffins. The fine sword cut through them like butter, and I was soon surrounded by blood, guts, and feathers. It looked like what used to happen in Kiqo’s bathtub when his cat caught a bird. I looked around, feeling like some god of war. It seemed that most had fled, probably an order from the Emperor himself. I heard steps behind me, and turned to face whatever adversary came next. That adversary was Rainbow.
“Dude, talk about a bloodbath.”
“Yeah, I know. But, I didn’t want to be one of the ones in the pile, so I had to turn them into a pile, if you catch my drift.”
“Yeah, I understand, but still. I didn’t think you had it in you to kill this much.”
I turned to her. “Yeah, neither did I.”
“Holy horseapples! What happened to your eye?”
“I don’t know. Usually I can’t see my own eye.”
She gave me an evil glare. “You’ve got a slash running from your forehead to your cheekbone. How could you not notice that?”
“Is it going over my eye?”
“Yes, which furthers my question. How could you not notice you were half blind?”
I waved a hoof in front of my bad eye. Couldn’t see a thing. “Well, this sucks.”
She facehoofed. “Do you not remember that we have two intensely magical friends?”
I chuckled. “Forgot about that.”
We trotted over to the library, and knocked on the familiar door. It magically opened, and we entered.
“Nice” Kiqo said, glancing over my wound. “Want me to fix that?”
“No, I want you to make it worse. Of course I want you to fix it!”
He hushed me. “Not so loud. Twilight’s sleeping.”
“Why isn’t she a spirit like you?” Rainbow asked.
“I think she was running on pure adrenaline. She tuckered herself out caring for Rarity.”
“Yeah. We saw her when she was doing that. She looked terrible.”
“Well, come on in. Can’t have you out there in the fray.”
“Can’t you just heal up my eye and let me be on my way?”
“I’m afraid it’s a bit more complex. I can heal the scar, but your eye is forfeit.”
“Why can’t you heal it?”
“I never really looked into serious healing spells, ones to heal lost body parts.”
“Why not?”
“I always knew I’d have an alternative solution.”
“I am not going to be your guinea pig.”
He grinned. “It’s funny that you say guinea pig, ‘cause that’s what I tested on originally. Come on in, have a seat at the table, I’ll get you fixed up” he said, walking back inside.
Rainbow and I exchanged worried glances, but followed him nonetheless. We sat at the table, and he soon came back with a rattling bag.
“What’s in the bag?” Rainbow asked suspiciously.
“Scrap parts.”
“Don’t tell me you’re going to make me into a cyborg” I said with a groan.
“Alright, I won’t” he said, but continued in his eye making.
“Could you at least stop the bleeding first?”
He looked up, then smiled sheepishly. In a flash of light, I felt the blood stop. A few more flashes of light, and I could see.
“Could I get a mirror?” I asked, and Kiqo spoke a mica covered slab up just for me.
I admired my new eye in the mirror, noting its smooth shell that hid all its wiring, and the central light receptor and surrounding color ring. That color ring was now pointless, since it wasn’t a muscle, but it made everything seem at least a little bit more natural.
“Well, it may feel a little bit strange, but at least I can see” I said. “Thanks, man.”
“Don’t sweat it, dude” he replied. “Just try to take care of it.”
I laughed. “I’ll try.”
We said goodbye, and flew back home for a night’s rest.
It was a fairly normal day for me. As normal as it could get, what with Him in my ear all the time. Right now, he was telling me to look at the sky. But, I didn’t want to look at the sky. In fact, I couldn’t. Who looks at the sky when you’re raving, anyway? It didn’t matter. I was having way too much fun feeling Vinyl’s beats flow through me. A lot of the bronies had made songs in her honor, and there were plenty of techno songs on Earth, but none of them compared to Vinyl’s. When she got on the stand, before she even started mixing, you could feel the music. And then, when she did start, you could watch the windows thump and vibrate in time. Of course, when the windows shattered, you knew something was wrong. Then, a meteor came crashing through the roof. I finally got a chance to see the sky. It was raining fire.
“I told you to look, but no. Instead you listen to this noise” He said, sounding very grumpy.
“Can it, you. I know that if you had it your way, everything would be a cappella. But, we can’t have that because not everyone likes a cappella.”
“I don’t see why no one likes it. Also, you should, I dunno, save these people or something.”
“Boy, someone really wants me to save lives” I said, my voice dripping with sarcasm as much as His dripped with boredom.
“Just do it.”
“Fine” I spoke the words to save all of Equestria, but nothing happened. “Shit, that sucks.”
Just then, Twilight burst in.
“Kiqo! The sky is raining fire and my language no longer works. Also, I can’t go into soul form.”
Rainbow and Ace were not far behind with similar news. Then, a roaring caught all our attentions. We looked up, right into a gigantic flaming ball of space rock.
“I think I’ll name this meteor ‘The Nail’” I said, looking at my doom with no fear.
“The Nail?” the others asked.
“The final nail in our coffin.”
“So you’re saying” Twilight started.
“Yep, we’re doomed.”
I woke up, groggy and feeling as if I were hungover. I looked up, and found myself looking right at the back of another male who was just getting up. Then I became aware of the sounds of chains and the presence of chains on my back.
“Where am I?” the stallion asked in a voice that sounded oddly familiar.
“Fuck if I know, dude” I replied, still trying to clear up my headache.
“Wait a minute, I know that voice” he turned around, and I found myself looking right back at V. “Kiqo, you nutjob!” he made to hug me, but the chains stopped him. “Well, looks like that isn’t happening. By the way, why are you a dog?”
“I got bored of being a pony.”
“I get bored of it too. Oh well, I guess only you unicorns get the privilege of shape shifting.”
“Yeah. I don’t think so anymore, though. I just tried to remove these chains, and my magic fizzled.”
“That’s hilarious, because now the pegasi can’t fly, and the unicorns don’t have magic. Now, everyone is an earth pony.”
“I don’t think it’s funny” Twilight said from another line of prisoners.
“Well, your talent is magic, so I could definitely see that, but for most it would be pretty damn funny.”
They continued to bicker, and I took in my surroundings. We were outside, though neither the moon or the sun hung in the sky. It seemed that every intelligent life form was chained up, and the lines of prisoners counted higher than a million, and the prisoners in each line were roughly a thousand.
I became aware of another sound, one more distant than the omnipresent rattle of chains. It was the sound of trees falling. I looked towards the sound, and saw the shapes of beasts tearing through the woods. I saw a manticore, a hydra, an ursa major and her two cubs, and they were all chained together, just like we were, except they were actually doing something. Figuring that I would be forced awake when something happened, I drifted off to sleep, letting V and Twilight’s argument lull me to slumber.
Ace
Free, I wanted to be free. I struggled and tugged on the binding chains, but all I got were complaining ponies. I tried speaking my way out, I tried flying, it was all for nought. I eventually gave up and lay down. I eventually let the complaints of ponies lull me to sleep.
Rainbow Dash
I could see Ace from where I was. He was a little farther back, and a few rows over. I could also see up the line, to where Kiqo was napping and Twilight was arguing with V. Eventually, V got mad enough and socked Twilight right in the mouth. She fell over, unconscious, and I struggled to help her. I wound up getting slingshotted back down, since the mares in front of and behind me were rather fat. I joined the other three in deep slumber, having all consciousness knocked out of me by rather hard ground.
When I awoke, I saw only dim light and stone. Our chain gangs had been separated, so Twilight was nowhere to be found. V apologized for punching her in the mouth, and I just told him I was glad to not hear it from her first. Then, we got the first sight of our masters. They were almost centaur like, except they had six jointless legs. Their body was only as tall as a pony, but with the combined height of their upper body, they probably reached the height of a man. They had two arms, coming out at a point that would be deemed normal for a centaur, but they had four more arms sprouting from their back. Or at least the leader did. The arms were mechanical, but they seemed optional, since not all of them had the arms. Some had wings, some had bags. The ones with the bags all seemed to be purple, but I could not honestly see the difference between them and their red compatriots. On top of all these freaky extremities, they had a strange plating. It seemed to cover them like a turtle’s shell, only tighter, but I watched one of the purple ones draw the entire shell into itself.
Then, their leader spoke, his lower jaw slipping out of, and then back into his upper jaw. “Weak little beings, we are your new overlords. This group will obey me and my krakna alone. If you are to address either of us, you will refer to us as ahahaha” he said, pronouncing the last word as a throaty laugh. “Do any of you have questions?”
I dared to raise my paw. “Yes, the dog.”
“Well, ahahaha, what does ahahaha mean? And why not explain krakna to boot.”
“In your vulgar tongue, ahahaha would translate to a genderless term of respect, somewhere between sir and madame. And krakna would roughly translate to spouse. However, a krakna is simply a friend who chose no upgrade that you choose to procreate with. Where most of us reds get practical upgrades, it is in our culture to have the purples keep the pregnancy sacks they were born with.”
Somepony else spoke up. “Woah, woah. So, you’re saying that you have external wombs?”
One of Red’s mechanical arms shot out, and struck the outspeaking pony so hard he drew blood. “You will follow the unwritten rule of raising your foreleg. Is that understood?”
We all replied: “Yes, ahahaha.”
“Good. I have these ones functioning well. You may leave guards” when he told them to, the ones with wings flew up and out of the cave. “Now, on to business. You have been enslaved by the Tratchy” he said, rolling his r ever so slightly. “We are an intergalactic race that needs resources. So, we come to your worlds, enslave you, and force you to mine your world to a husk. All the results, none of the effort” he said with what could only be assumed as a smile. “Work, slaves!” He cried, every arm lashing a different group. Even Purple joined in, spurring us all on to the pile of picks lying by the wall.
We spread out, our chains no longer hindering us, and set to work on the walls. I had no idea what we were digging for, but I knew what I was digging for. I had taken a minor in chemistry, and a major in engineering, and had spent all my free time finding out what different elements looked like and reading The Anarchist Cookbook . I was looking for iron, salt, aluminum, and copper. I also knew ways of extracting different additives from food, so I might land some magnesium, iodine, and sugar. We were all dressed a pair of overalls, leaving me one pocket to hopefully hide some materials. Anything else I could need could be gotten around the workplace. All of this ran through my head, a mental shopping list for destruction. I could only hope that I had my own cell. Probably not, but would I really get stuck with someone who didn’t want the aliens gone?
I worked the rock, saving what little I could, then we were called in for a meal. I had no idea what meal it was, since there were no Celestial bodies to guide the passage of time. I wound up with plenty of sugar, stowed away in my pocket. On my way back to the dig site, a pony made a half-hearted attempt to rise up. He fought bravely with a pick, but took a lethal blow before he could do too much damage.
“Get him out of here” I said with disgust to my fellows. Then, I leaned in closer and whispered: “Hide him. The chemicals produced by a decaying body make for great reactions.”
They dragged him off, and I turned to Red. “Ahahaha, it appears that your arm has been damaged.”
“So it has” he said. “Why do you bring it up?”
“I do know a bit about welding, so I might be able to fix you up.”
“Our technology is far more advanced than yours. I doubt that you could properly fix this wound.”
“Well, I come from another world, one more technologically advanced, so I may know a thing or two about that arm of yours.”
“Just look at it first. If you don’t know what you’re doing, then I will get someone else to do it.”
I took a look at his arm. It was more advanced than Equestrian technology, for sure, but about on par with Earthen.
“Oh yeah” I said. “I’ve seen this kind of wiring a million times. All you do is reconnect this wire and this wire, then repair this wire. Oh, a leak here” I continued to mutter to myself as I patched up his arm, making sure to distract him while I pocketed some SOLIDOX from the welding kit. “There” I said, finished. “Good as new.”
He tested it out a little, then said: “You know your stuff, dog. In fact, you will be my repair man from here on out.”
“Happy to, ahahaha.”
He ‘smiled’ at me, then told me to get back to work. I obliged him, smiling inwardly because I knew I had gotten on his good side. After a long while, he instructed us to bed, having us sleep on beds ransacked from the few unburned villages. The ones who had dragged the dead pony off had found this room and hidden him far in the back, on one of the worse mattresses. I went over to the body, finding it not quite rank. I would have very little time before he started rotting, and I knew that I had to capture those fluids and gasses. I didn’t know how, but I needed to get a large plastic bag of some sort. Unable to do anything with him at the moment, I walked over to where I had seen one of the cats in our party bed down.
“Psst, pussycat” I whipered right next to him.
“Call me Vic, alright. I hate pussycat. Now, what did you need?”
“Do you have to pee?”
“What kind of question is that?”
“Feline piss excretes lots of ammonia, and ammonia is very useful.”
“Well, now that you mention, I do have to pee” he said, getting out of bed. He turned away, and I heard him filling the bottle I had provided. “I just have to ask, though. What are you going to do with all this?”
“That’s for me to know, and for you to ponder” I said, taking the bottle back from him.
He just rolled his eyes and went back to bed while I corked the warm bottle and hid it under my bed. I went around to every cat and did the same, collecting four bottles in total. I next took out the SOLIDOX I had nabbed and the sugar I had obtained. I ground up the SOLIDOX, making sure it was nice and fine. I had somehow managed to escape with one of the wooden bowls they served our slop in, and was using that and my finger as a mortar and pestle. I then proceeded to do the same for the sugar, since it had granulated, and mixed the two together in a one to one ratio. One bomb down, too many to go. I sighed, and made to climb back into bed. What I wound up turning to was a basset hound.
He held a finger to his lips and beckoned me. I followed him through a few tunnels, and he eventually lead me to a gas powered drill. I made quick work siphoning the gas, and clapped him on the back for his work. Another thing that interested me were the carbide lamps hanging up by the drill. I took some of the carbide, knowing that this, a little water, a glass bottle, and a flaming rag made quite a fireball. Oh, Sigma house. How you burned.
The basset hound then directed me in another direction. What he showed me was a shower room. With soap. I nabbed a bar, and clapped him on the back again. He then wound back through the maze of tunnels, leading me straight back to the bedroom. I laid down and enjoyed a peaceful night.
Each day proceeded as the first, grabbing as many supplies as I could without arousing suspicion and getting in Red’s good graces. Eventually I had a small arsenal stashed under the beds, and the reckoning was nigh. I had enough thermite to burn through a mile of solid steel, more SOLIDOX bombs than I could count, and more than enough carbide bombs. I had also made a little bit of napalm, but I had slathered that on the carbide bomb’s containers for just that much more fire.
We all went to bed that night, having made plans in the day. We all knew our parts, and knew just how to execute it. When our scout came back and told us that the two had bed down, we all rose. I pulled the thermite from beneath my bed, and we set off for their chambers. When we got there, I put a nice pile on both of their heads and inserted the magnesium we had prepared. I lit the two off and we retreated. We hid behind the wall, picks at the ready, waiting for the thermite to light off.
Eventually, our patience was rewarded. The thermite lit off and burned straight through their skulls before they could awake. The boys celebrated, but I knew it was too easy. It may have been my paranoia, but I readied two carbide bombs and told everyone to go back. I placed the bombs by the door, and took off. My paranoia paid off, and I heard the ominous ticking that always accompanied their walking. I thankfully made it back to my bed before he could see me, and I heard the small bombs go off. Red screamed, and I knew he had been caught. Even if his plating was up, I knew he would be cooking.
“Grab your picks” I called when I heard this, and the boys stared at me like I was crazy. “What are you waiting for? Didn’t you hear that? He’s still alive!”
They quickly scrambled to get their picks, and followed me to where Red was. He was standing, his skull half gone and his legs charred. His plating was down, and he was literally steaming.
“I trusted you” he spat at me. “I appointed you to a position over your peers, I even gave you that shotgun. This is how you repay me?”
I point the shotgun at his defenseless muzzle. “This is not how I repay you, but how all planets you have conquered thus repay you” I pulled the trigger, and what was left of his head gained quite a few more holes. When the smoke cleared, he grinned.
“I think you’ve done me a favor” he said, bleeding from more holes than any being should ever be forced to have. “I was too old for this. Now I can sleep” he collapsed, his great weight sending up a cloud of dust. “Goodnight, sweet prince.”
The others cheered, but I quickly silenced them.
“Dude, what is your problem? We killed him!”
“Have you forgotten about Purple?”
“Yeah, I guess I had. Sorry.”
We went to their bedchambers, and found her still lying there. She looked up at us, fear in her eyes.
“End me. I was foolish enough to sleep with enemies at the gates, and I must not live.”
“Works for us” we said in unison, and broke apart her plating with our picks.
We eventually killed her, though her alien anatomy had her brain and heart hidden deep within. Her brain was beneath her pregnancy sack, and her heart beneath that. When the boys next celebrated, I even joined in. Of course, I knew that there were too many aliens for just us to handle, but I knew that each one dead was victory enough.
I quickly took control, adopting a much more efficient mining procedure. We used the drill to get a tunnel started, and cycled miners to mine the minerals out of the walls. I appointed V to glass blowing, since he was the only one to know about that, and had him construct the casings for what I would be brewing. I set about the brewing, cooking up everything in the Cookbook and more. When I was finished, we had enough weaponry to destroy a small pony army. Of course, it would hardly kill a platoon of these aliens, but we could try. The men worked much faster under my command, since they knew they were working for a better cause. In no time at all, we had reached a point no other mines had reached.
Of course, this landed us a reward. What appeared to be their leader came in backed by two guards. He landed in our mine, saw Red torn open and chained to the wall, and quickly got out of there. He left his guards to deal with us, but when they opened their mouths to scream when they tripped a landmine, I sank a mustard gas bomb down their gullets. I knew that we would soon have the army beating down our backs, though, so I proposed that we get out of there.
We packed up all our supplies, and made to leave, but were confronted by four winged aliens. We quickly retreated, hunkering down right past where the mines were planted. We used the same trick on three of them, but the fourth was much cleverer than his fellows. He flew over our mines, and killed one of the men. We retreated farther back and readied the acid bombs. These devious contraptions were the child of a container too thick and a bad case of heartburn. A small volley of these struck home on his plating, and ate right through it. With the fourth down, we made another attempt to escape. What I hadn’t expected was for the four we had just killed to have planted explosives.
My entire team, including V, were either ripped to shreds by the explosion or crushed beneath the ensuing avalanche. I managed to survive by a sheer stroke of luck, and saw more aliens outside, peering in and cackling. I cursed them and made off with what supplies I had left when they left. I left for Canterlot, knowing that even if it still wasn’t standing, the mountain it was built into would make a decent fortress.
When I finally got to Canterlot, I found the city in ruins. It hadn’t been hit by a meteor, but it was still smoldering. I made my way to the palace, and found the bodies of the two princesses. I mourned them quickly, and then burned the bodies. When the fire had licked the flesh from their bones, I placed their skulls on their respective thrones. I made my way to the royal laboratory, and found the bodies of more ponies.
Scientists who had made an attempt to stop them. One pony was in a very strange position. He had a hole almost big enough to crawl through in his back, and was reaching desperately for something. I followed his hoof and saw doom. Doom in a big red button. Doom in the button that killed my world. Doom in the button that made Celestia into the Burning Sun. Doom in the button that launched the nukes.
I contemplated just wiping out everyone on the face of this planet, but decided that it was probably not for the better. I valued life far too much to just wipe out everything. Instead, I made use of their facilities and began to amass an arsenal. As I was finishing another batch of mustard bombs, the door creaked open.
I looked up, acid bomb ready to pitch, but saw only Rainbow Dash.
“I never thought I’d see you again” I said, embracing her.
“You can’t get rid of me that easily” she said with a smirk. “There is one problem, though.”
“What’s that?”
She only looked back to her torso, where her wings were. Or where they should’ve been.
“Oh, Rainbow, I am so sorry. If it’s any consolation, I’ve lost my magic.”
“I figured they’d do as much, make us as easy to control as they could” she sighed. “You would not believe how much work it was to break free.”
“Try me.”
I awoke to see the other mares that had been in my line. We were underground, but I could see the sky. Silly aliens, letting me escape so easily. I made to take off but only managed a jump. I attempted to flap my wings, but couldn’t feel them. I looked back and found why I couldn’t feel them. They were no longer there. At least I didn’t have any scars. Sure, I was torn up about losing them, but I had bigger things to worry about. Namely, the giant who was taking the stand just now. He was one of the aliens, six legged, except his body continued upwards from his torso. It created a centaur like image, except he was huge. Just his torso was twice as tall as a pony, and with the added height of the upper body, he was easily four times the height of a pony. When he spoke, his voice rang like a baritone bell.
“You creatures, unfit for less than what you have accomplished, are now slaves of the Tratchy army. You will mine, whether you like it or not. Move!”
At least he was to the point. I picked up my pick and set to the wall.
“Ah hate minin” said the pony next to me.
“Me too” I replied, hitting the wall with as much force as I could. “By the way, nice to see you again AJ.”
“Ah wish we didn’t have to meet here, but it is good to see you again.”
Just then, a high pitched whine came from the other side of the room. “I can’t mine this! I’m pregnant!”
We turned to see none other than the gifted fashionista, burdened by her baby. She was already four years into the pregnancy, and it was definitely showing. She honestly couldn’t work in her condition, but our slavedriver would have none of it.
“Alright, then, don’t work. But, remember, if you don’t work, you don’t eat.”
This seemed to change her attitude, and she set to mining as best she could. She wasn’t very good, but she made a few dents. I chuckled a little, knowing that this would be the last thing she’d ever want to do.
“Why’re you laughin?” AJ asked me, not even a hint of a smile on her face.
“Come on, how can you not find this funny? She’s just so helpless.”
“Ah don’t think that’s funny at all. Ah honestly feel sorry for her.”
“Well, yeah, of course I do, too, but it’s still funny to watch her struggle.”
“You are a sick, twisted pony.”
“Look, AJ, I don’t need you lecturing me, alright? I’m just going to put my mind to this wall, and I think we’ll find this a more enjoyable time if we just ignore each other.”
“Or we could race.”
I looked at her, and I realized it was a great idea. “You’re on.”
We tore through that rock like hot knives through butter, and were much farther along than anyone else in no time at all. Eventually, though, we both ran out of steam. Luckily for us, food was being served. It wasn’t five star, but it wasn’t whatever the mistress had been cooking. We went right back to work afterwards, eager to beat each other, and actually earned the attention of the overseer.
“You two are phenomenal. How do you do it?”
“We race each other” I said, not knowing AJ was still going.
“I wish that every one of you beings could go this fast. As it is, though, you are doing three ponies’ worth of work. Anyone you would like to exempt?”
“Ah can think of one” AJ said.
“Rarity” I said, without missing a beat.
“The burdened one?” he asked. When we nodded, he called her over. “These two have relinquished you from duty on account of your disability. You may rest until you are free from your excess weight.”
She grinned wider than Pinkie Pie and hugged us both. She then made for the bedroom as quickly as she could. When the overseer had left, AJ and I returned to our work.
“I guess ya really did feel sorry for her. That was mighty nice of ya.”
“You know you were going to say it if I didn’t.”
“That’s beside the point. The point is that you did say it. I might even call it noble if ya hadn’t been laughing at her earlier.”
I smiled at her, knowing the sentiment behind her words. We set back to the wall, and by the time we were sent to bed, we were both exhausted.
However, our exhaustion had to wait. Halfway through our sleep, what I would normally call midnight, Rarity went into labor. AJ and I did all we could to help, but she had a rough time of it. She went on into the ‘morning’ when everyone else rose, and barely got the egg out by the second meal.
“That could’ve gone smoother” I said, holding the egg.
AJ just glared at me.
“Well, now that that is out of the way” Rarity said, bouncing her hair back into a pseudo normal position. “I must say, I’m famished.”
“I hear that” I said, possibly too happy. “Even if it is slop, it’s filling slop.”
We joined the other mares in the dining cavern, and dug in to the ‘food’. We were hardly half way through before the overseer came over to us.
“I trust that the three of you will be able to get back to work soon? Being three ponies short of a full work force is a serious detriment, as I’m sure you can understand.”
I just stared at him. “Us three? What happened to Rarity’s work being done by us?”
“Oh, my. You really don’t understand, do you? You set us back so far that she will have to help, even though she really can’t” he said, and Rarity stared daggers at him.
He left, and I turned to the other two. “Looks like we’ve got some digging to do.”
The others grumbled in agreement, but I just laughed it off. “Come on, manual labor only makes you stronger.”
Rarity glared at me. “What if I get larger muscles? Can you imagine a muscular fashionista?”
I thought about it, then broke out laughing. “That would be something alright. I guess I could imagine a buff fashionista” I pronounced that word with an over done haughty accent. “but I could never see you buff, Rarity.”
She just glared at me, but thankfully AJ saved me. “She has a point, ya know. Try and think of yourself with Mac’s muscles. It’d be ridiculous.”
She pondered this, and then resented. “I guess you’d be right, but still. Would I look that ridiculous?”
“Yes” AJ and I said in unison.
She sighed, then finished her meal. “Maybe this will do me some good. After all, if Equestria does survive this, I could be the talk of the town.”
AJ and I shared concerned glances, but said nothing, not wanting to ruin her morale. We followed her back to the main mining chamber, and set back to the wall. It wasn’t long before the overseer came over.
“You girls seem to be the most dedicated out of your group. Although, I have learned that it is the most dedicated that are the first to betray.”
I looked back at him. “There are two things you need to know. The first is, I’m not stupid, and neither is anyone else. You’re bigger, stronger, and better protected. We’ll be waiting to strike, not flying blindly into battle. The second is, don’t underestimate us. When your time comes, it will be us who deliver it.”
He looked at me, amused. “I like you. You’ve got guts, but you know when it is a good time to fight and when it is not. Though, I want you to know something” he leaned in very close, so we were eye to eye, nose to nose. “I will break that spirit of yours. I will break you” He jabbed a finger into my chest at his last word, then promptly left.
“That wasn’t very nice. Though Ah have ta say, you certainly did tell him somethin. I couldn’t agree with you more that we won’t charge into a losing fight.”
“Right” I said distractedly, a little rattled by what he had told me.
I wasn’t too awfully worried, but it still gnawed at my mind. It was running mad with all the ideas of what he could do. I honestly didn’t want to, but I had no choice but to imagine all the ways he could break my spirit.
When I went to bed later, I had a few different nightmares about him breaking my spirit and me submitting to his every demand. When I woke up in a cold sweat the third time, AJ was awake. She noticed me and came over.
“Nightmares?”
“Yeah. I can’t help but think of all the ways he could break me.”
She chuckled. “This is his way. He’s breaking you by letting you break yourself. He may be large, but his strength is all in his mind games. If you don’t think about it, it won’t happen. Simple as that.”
I grinned in realization. “You’re right!” I then chuckled, seeing my foolishness. “I can’t believe I didn’t see that earlier. Thank you so much, AJ” I was about to go to sleep, but I realized something. “Why are you awake?”
“I’m not.”
That was when I woke up. I held a hoof to my head, unsure if I was still dreaming. I looked about, and nobody else was awake. I flopped back down onto the bed, but was quickly interrupted by AJ. Not in person, but in my head.
“You’ll be alright, sugarcube. Just don’t fret, and you’ll be fine.”
“How are you talking to me?” I asked aloud.
My only response was a deep throated chuckle, one that was definitely not AJ’s. I was freaked out, but figured it was just cabin fever setting in. After all, I had been in the same place for a long time. I couldn’t even fly. I was ground-bound and bored. Kiqo had said that was what finally drove him over the edge. I let my mind follow the path down to insanity, and eventually fell asleep. My dreams were still troubled, but this time not by AJ or the overseer. This time Kiqo spoke to me.
“Look, Rainbow, I know you’re thinking you’re going mad. You aren’t. I know you probably don’t believe me, but you aren’t. What is happening is you are finding the little pocket of insanity that everyone has in the back of their mind. I imagine that your little puddle of insanity is hardly big enough to sink in. But, I digress. I came here for a very specific purpose. By finding your insanity, you have opened a link. Your’s isn’t that strong, but it’s still there. This link actually doesn’t connect you to the other nutjobs. There’s a middle colt. Or, rather, a middle Beast” he sighed. “Look, I’ll have to explain this all later. He’s shown me the future, and you’re destined to live. Of course, you may or may not be able to save everyone, but as far as I can see, you will live. For now. Now, wake up.”
So I did. I held a hoof to my head again, then the other. I buried my head in my hooves, letting the maddog’s words sink in. I wasn’t insane, but I could be. I would have to ask him when I got out. If I got out. He didn’t say if I would get out, just that I would live. Would I live forever in this mine? No, I thought, shaking my head. He had said he would explain later. That meant I would see him. No, not necessarily. He may just tell me in my dreams. I quickly shook that thought away, knowing that holding on to the fact that he would tell me in person gave me insurmountable hope. I rolled out of bed, landing on my four hooves. I walked out into the main chamber, and began mining.
I needed to refocus my mind, and I knew I couldn’t go back to sleep. Too many voices in my dreams. I struck again, and a glimmer caught my eye. It was a small cache of gemstones, like the ones Spike had once dug up for Rarity. Knowing that whatever came out of that egg would more than likely eat gems, I quickly nabbed them and stashed them underneath Rarity’s bed. By the time I left the bed chamber, AJ woke up and came with me to mine.
“So, I found some gems” I said, mining beside her.
“Ah figured ya might. Why’d ya bring it up?”
“I just wanted to mention that we should stash them. For Rarity’s kid.”
“That’s mighty considerate of ya, Dash. But, dontcha think the alien will get suspicious when not as many gems show up?”
“Look, her kid could be the most valuable being in this squad. And, if he isn’t fed, he won’t be much use to us.”
“Why’s he so important?”
“I’ve been watching Mr. Six Legs. He went over to where someone had gotten close to a lava pool, and he pulled his plates in. It must get really hot under there, so they lower their defenses so they don’t roast. Rarity’s kid breathes fire, so that’ll heat him up to the point of roasting. Then, we can kill him much easier.”
She grinned. “I didn’t know you planned so much, Dash.”
I let the pick fall, and then let it rest there. “Yeah. We’ve all got our secrets. Planning ahead was something my mom taught me” I felt the tears coming, and struck the wall in anger.
“Ya alright, sugarcube?”
“No. I’m not alright. I hate crying, but as soon as I think about her I do. Tough guys don’t cry!” I shouted as I shattered a good chunk of wall, tears still streaming down my face.
“Look, Dash, ya can’t hold in yer feelin’s. It may hurt, but ya gotta let em out or they’ll eat you whole.”
I just stared at her. “I suppose you’re right. I guess we have some time, so maybe if I get this off my chest I’ll feel better.”
“That’s the spirit. Now, tell me all about it.”
I sighed. “I lost my mother when I was just a filly. We were flying through Cloudsdale, having a blast, when a freak storm came out of nowhere. I don’t know why the other pegasi had one planned for that exact moment, but she threw me out of the way, allowing me to live. She, however, didn’t make it. I went back to that spot later, and found her hat. She had always worn it, and I knew that she would never leave it behind. I took it home, giving it an honorary place next to my bed. Whenever I couldn’t sleep, I’d just look over at it, and I’d suddenly realize that she was there, even if she wasn’t actually there. It always made me feel better, and I’ve kept it there since.”
AJ just stared at me in shock. “Oh, Dash. I never knew. Why’d you hide it for so long?”
“Whenever I think about her, I cry, and tough guys don’t cry.”
“Why are you so devoted to this ‘tough guy’ way?”
“That’s the other part. After I lost her, I devoted myself to speed, knowing that when I had a kid, I wouldn’t want them to go through the same thing. I knew that speed would save me from something like that, and the tough guy attitude just came with it. It also helped hide the truth about my mom.”
“Wow. So, you seem pretty broken up about your mom, but what about your dad?”
I just looked at her, confused. “I never told you? He was a deadbeat. I never knew him. He left before I could even walk.”
“Oh. Well, at least you got your secret out in the open.”
“Yeah. I guess I do feel better. Anyway, looks like everyone else is waking up. I guess we should get back to this.”
She nodded, and we went back to our labor. We seemed to grow a bond between us, and I knew I’d have a friend until the end of time. I had figured she would be there for me before, but now I was certain. Every day the overseer harassed me, but she kept me going through it all. In the course of things, she wound up telling me her story.
Her father had died in a rodeo, and her mother had mourned him until her end. She just moped around the house, never so much as eating. AJ had grown up on a hardscrabble farm, and it was made worse when her and Big Mac were the only ones harvesting, since Applebloom was still too young. When her mother died, Granny Smith stepped in and was their mother figure for most of their life.
After a year, or so I assumed, Rarity’s egg hatched. Not knowing what it would be, it was a momentous occasion. What stepped out was disturbing, to say the least. His back half was golden scaled, but his front half, including his head, was covered in golden fur. However, his rear legs were pony styled, having hooves instead of claws. His front legs were clawed, and his head was shaped like a dragon. His mane, being black and white striped, was very stiff, and came in interrupted bursts, like a dragon’s ridge. It was still undeniably hair, but it seemed to be scales. Possibly the most disturbing thing, though, were his eyes. They were shaped like a pony’s, but had slitted pupils like a dragon. All in all, he was the strangest thing I had ever seen.
He started out very small, but he quickly began taking everyone’s stuff. Knowing what would happen when he did, we let him. He quickly grew, wings erupting from his back. His wings were amazing. They had the ribs and claws of a dragon’s wings, but the feathers of a pegasi’s.
He eventually grew so large that we couldn’t hide him anymore. When the overseer found him, and all the missing mining equipment, he flew into a rage. He attempted to kill Rarity’s son, whom she had named Tom, but it resulted in a fight better than the movies. The overseer had a spear, but Tom had many advantages over him. For one, he had fire. Tom was quite clever for being so young, and bathed his opponent in glorious fire. The overseer quickly withdrew his shell, actually steaming. This opened up a weak spot. Tom made many gashes, but received more than his fair share. They dueled back and forth, and within the span of five minutes, they were both exhausted. The overseer had triplet scratches all over his face, and two gigantic hoof shaped bruises on his chest. Tom was missing some of his mane and tail, and some of his scales had fallen off when they deflected a hit. They were standing there, facing each other down. They seemed to be focused on only each other, so I hatched a plan.
I went to the kitchen, and brought back a knife. I snuck up behind him, and quickly hopped up on his back.
“Payback’s a bitch!” I cried, taking his wings off in one swing.
He cried in agony, distracted enough for Tom to tear his throat open. This distracted him from me, and I sank the knife in between the holes where his wings had been. I was aiming for the spinal cord, hoping to paralyze him, but I completely killed him. When I looked at where I had stabbed, I found a brain.
However, the other aliens seemed to have heard the commotion. They set about slaughtering us rebels, attempting to get us all. However, Tom, AJ, Rarity, and I managed to escape. Tom quickly flew us to Canterlot, where I knew we’d be safe.
We landed at the castle, and we spread out, searching for anybody. I found Kiqo, told him our story, and we all settled back down, waiting for the next inevitable batch of escapees. Who came next made me the happiest mare in Equestria. I never thought I’d see that black furred blondie again. Of course, I was overjoyed to see our son again, even though the purple mane and black body still threw me off. And Spike was even more joyed when he found Rarity and his son.
It was a little strange, seeing Spike next to his son. Spike had obviously done some hoarding, since he was fairly large. He wasn’t as large as he could be, but he was pretty big. Noticing this made me want to hear their story, so Ace told me.
When I first woke up, I thought I had just partied hard. It felt like I had a hangover, and I was beginning to think it was, since I couldn’t remember anything, but when I saw where I was, I could only wish it was a hard party. I looked up to see a gigantic purple whatchamacallit. Kiqo, back when we were bored teens, had told me about these things. I always knew he had a vivid imagination, and I was honestly afraid he could possibly be right. That fear, however, was nothing compared to the fear I had standing in its presence. From what I had gathered from what he had told me, this race had a single gender, born with pregnancy sacks, but most of the red ones opted out for wings or mechanical arms. This purple one, much unlike most of the purples, had taken arms. Since Kiqo had described the purple ones very often as female, I could only imagine that this one was either butch, lesbian, or a woman’s right activist.
I had no time to consider that, though. She quickly commanded us to our posts, giving lashings like they were candy. She was rather cruel, whipping even the slightest of slackers back into a lightning pace. She never said anything, just beat the tar out of those too slow for her tastes. Even when we were eating. If we ate too sloppily, we were whipped. Too slow? Whipped. Went for thirds? Whipped. Tried to say anything? All you say is ‘Ow, that whip stung!’. By the end of the day, we were all bloodied, bruised, and exhausted. I didn’t immediately bed down, though.
I had to check on Rory. He was left in the back of the bed cave, given his daily rations of slop. I could only fathom the reason they left him here was so that I’d be happy. It didn’t work, since he was born a pegasus, and would never know what it would be like to fly. I could only know sadness when he looked up at me, wingless. Sure, I was happy he was mostly unharmed, but he would never feel the wind tear through his mane, never feel the sound barrier break. I looked down at him sadly, wishing I could keep the positive outlook that was etched onto his young face. He was a strangely colored colt, but he was my strangely colored colt. I patted him gently on the head before I hit the hay.
I woke up way too early to a whip across the face. I cursed her under my breath, in a tongue that served no purpose now but to be unknown. I went back to mining, and, since she was elsewhere, I had a chance to look around. The first thing I noticed was Spike, hardly as tall as the pick he was using.
“‘Sup, little man?”
He glared up at me. “You call me little man again and I will tear your eyes from that deformed blob called a skull.”
“Damn, dude. I didn’t mean anything by it, it’s just something I call everybody.”
“Oh really? Call her that” he said, gesturing at the purple centauress.
“I get whipped enough.”
“Chicken.”
“You call her it.”
“Call me what?” she asked, suddenly behind us.
“Nothin, little man” I said, earning me a swift twenty lashings, but also a great amount of respect from Spike.
“Dude, that took guts. I wouldn’t have thought even Dash would do that.”
“Yeah” I said, wincing. “I hardly ever turn down a dare, though, so I kinda had to.”
He just chuckled. “You do more crazy shit like that, and you’ll get yourself hurt, and bad.”
“You don’t know even half of the shit I’ve gotten into.”
“I think we’ve got some time, so why don’t you let me in on your secrets?”
I chuckled. “Alright. Well, there was this one time, in my freshman year of college. I was dating some bitch. I knew she was a bitch, even at that time, so Kiqo dared me to cheat on her. I had never done this, but I honestly had nothing to lose. To spice things up, he had me date her roommate.”
“Oh sweet Celestia. He is out for your soul, isn’t he?”
I couldn’t help but laugh. “Nah. That was the best angry three way I’ll ever have.”
He just stared at me in disbelief. “Alright, now I have to know everything.”
“Well, I went over there to pick them up. I had a date with each of them, same night, same restaurant. I went over there, they were both dressed up, and they both said ‘Hey, honey!’ as I walked in. The looks on their faces was priceless. I honestly will not forget that moment. First, they looked shocked, then pissed, and then I can’t remember anything else ‘cause I was knocked out cold. What I did wake up to was one on my crotch, one on my face. I think they were trying to hurt me, since Melissa, who was the cowgirl, was leaving bruises, and Brianna, on my face, was choking me with her knees. If I wasn’t so masochistic, I wouldn’t have enjoyed it so much. But, as it were, I enjoyed every second of it.”
“Oh, you’re a masochist, eh?” she asked from behind me.
I started sweating profusely. “No, no! You must’ve misheard me. I’m not a masochist. Wherever did you get that idea?”
She just grinned sadistically. I began backing away, but quickly met rock. She quickly grabbed me and carried me away. She strapped me to a rack, one that seemed pulled directly from a medieval torture chamber.
“Now, my pet” she purred, stroking my stomach with the end of her whip. “Let’s see just how masochistic you are!”
She proceeded to flog me, leaving red welts and gashes all across me. I, of course, raised nothing, and she seemed disappointed.
“I guess you aren’t a masochist” she poked my sheath, where my equine shaft still lay. “Not even a little. Oh well” she said, unfastening by bands. “Back to work with you.”
I limped back to my tunnel, and Spike was very shocked to see me.
“Dude, did she even-” I cut him off before he could finish that thought.
“No. Just, no. I don’t wanna talk about it.”
“Alright, man.”
“Ya know, in a way, my never turning down a dare did get me hurt. In a very roundabout way, but it still did.”
He chuckled. “I guess it did. Any more stories?”
“I jumped out of a second floor window.”
“Dude, awesome. This was before you had wings, I’m guessing?”
“Yeah. Kiqo was big into freerunning and parkour back on Earth, and he jumped off the roof of a two story building. He tried to get me to do it too, but he only managed to get me out the window. Still hurt like a bitch, though.”
“I can imagine. This one time, Celestia landed on the balcony of the library, and I fell off in surprise. I, thankfully, landed on my feet, but it was still pretty painful.”
“Damn, dude. Sounds like you’ve got a few stories of your own.”
“I once filled a beautiful unicorn with pain” he said, trailing off sadly.
“Yeah, I heard about that. I think Kiqo fixed that, though.”
“Yeah. She should be giving birth, soon, though. It isn’t supposed to last much longer than the end of this year.”
"Well, maybe you’ll meet him later. If we survive this, that is.”
“Why do you say he? I could have a daughter.”
“Well, after hanging around Kiqo so long, his friend sort of picked up on me, and established a connection. Ever since, He’s spoken to me in a way similar to the way he talks to Kiqo, only less.”
“His friend?”
“Oh, yeah, I guess he hasn’t told you. He is the warden of an omniscient Beast, the Beast of Words to be exact, and He speaks to Kiqo.”
“Why didn’t he tell us this before?”
“Hay if I know. It probably just slipped his mind.”
“So, this God of his, what exactly does He do?”
“For one, He’s a Beast.”
“What does it matter?”
“God implies holiness, a side of good.”
“So He’s evil?”
“No, He’s neutral. Hence why he’s the Beast of Words.”
“Alright, so He’s neutral. But what does he do?”
“He is words. I don’t think I could say it better. He just is. He’s prone to violent mood swings, so he made a deal with the other Greater Beings, and had himself locked away in a blank universe. Each time a warden dies, a new one is picked, and Kiqo happened to be the lucky, or unlucky, one.”
“Anything else I should know?”
“I’m a Knight of the Heart.”
“I have no idea what you mean by that.”
“I figured as much. It’s a family tradition. When one of us turns sixteen, we are contacted by someone, someone who is completely unknown, and they tell us our Path. In my case, I am a Knight of the Heart, which means I must endure pain. But, since I am of the Heart, I must also endure emotional pain, like loves lost. As it is now, I am in the phase of the Wanting Heart, since I am in love, but separated from my love.”
“That’s definitely odd, but how do you know you can trust this anonymous guy?”
“He’s never been wrong. As soon as I got that letter, I knew he was right. I had always been more courteous to the ladies, been able to withstand pain, both emotional and physical, and when I picked up my sword, it felt right.”
He continued his mining, but adopted a more thoughtful demeanor. “Does anyone outside of your family get these letters?”
“Only if they join the family before they turn sixteen.”
“But, it could be possible?”
“Not just possible, but recorded in the annals of history. My great great great great grandmother was adopted at the age of fourteen, and when she turned sixteen, she received the letter. She was a Rogue of the Mind.”
“Rogue of the Mind? That sounds interesting.”
“Yeah. I only heard legends, since we were a few generations separated. She was unlike other Rogues. Instead of harming folks with a blade, she harmed them with her tongue. She was no big political influence, but she was a hardcore freestyle rapper.”
“Your great great great great grandmother was a freestyle rapper?”
“Yeah” I said, chuckling. “Does sound weird, but I heard some of her songs. Even in her generation’s language, it still held resonance and power. In fact, I used one of her raps when someone pissed me off. No one ever fucked with me again.”
“I don’t suppose you’re going to sing it, are you?”
“Nope. I’m no Bard. Even if I were, I couldn’t remember it to save my life.”
“Oh well, maybe some other time.”
“Maybe. Right now, though, I think they’re serving our slop.”
“I’m honestly surprised we didn’t get whipped for chatting.”
“Maybe she broke her whip on me” I said, laughing with Spike.
However, a biting lash told me that she was keeping her whip hand strong.
“What was that for?” I asked her, rubbing the red welt on my back.
“For old time’s sake” she said, winking.
“Dude, I think she’s got the hots for you” Spike said, a look of pure disgust on his face.
“From what I know about their anatomy, she can’t. Just like a fish, there’s no sex involved. The female lays an egg in their pregnancy sack, and the male fertilizes it.”
“That’s a sad, sorry existence.”
“It’s not so bad, so long as you love each other.”
“Yeah, you and Dash did go for a while without genitals, didn’t you?”
“Yeah.”
We got our slop, and proceeded to dig in.
“Ya know” Spike started. “It’s going to be a sorry existence for her, since I don’t think she’s capable of love.”
The very alien we were talking about cleared her throat behind us.
“Oh hey” Spike said, falteringly. “What’s up?”
She just struck him. She didn’t whip him, since his scales were too thick for that to do too much. She hit him with one of her robotic arms, drawing quite a bit of blood. He held a claw over the gash in his face, and glared at her while she walked away.
“I guess we shouldn’t talk about her. She seems to be omnipresent” Spike said, angrily prodding his rations.
I agreed, then finished my food. When Spike finished his, I told him to keep the trays.
He looked at me, obviously very confused. “Why?”
“Remember what happened when you started hoarding?”
He got it, but then asked: “Is that your escape plan?”
I nodded, and he grinned. “This is going to be awesome.”
“Just so long as you keep control this time. Wouldn’t want you slaughtering everyone.”
“Right, I know.”
He quickly stashed his trays, and rejoined me at the wall. We settled into a routine. Mine, eat, stash, endure, sleep. We followed this routine for an entire year, and Spike was eventually just past the size of the ‘teenage’ dragon when he had last hoarded. We got impatient, and he decided it was time.
She came over, noticed that Spike wasn’t doing anything, and quickly struck him. He caught the blow, and grinned viciously up at her as he broke her arm clean off. She glared at him, and sent five more blows his way. he broke off two more mechanical arms, but took the other three shots, two catching him in the face, one in the gut. When the next three strikes came, he tore off the last arm, and managed to dodge the other two shots.
She recoiled, since, for the first time, she was on somewhat even ground with her opponent. Spike bathed her in roiling flames, bringing her almost all the way down to his level, leaving only her legs as an advantage. What ensued was a battle of epic proportions.
She was without weapons, besides her natural claws, but Spike had a pick handy. She struck at him, aiming for his face, but overextended. Spike leapt over the arm, then leapt off the arm itself, turning his momentum into a roundhouse, and his heel connected with her cheekbone. This sent her stumbling, and Spike was quick to follow up, taking out her right eye with a single slash.
She howled in pain, and reared up like a centipede onto two legs. This gave her even more height, and from that height she dropped herself upon Spike. He deftly rolled out of the way, but still stumbled as the shockwave of her impact shook the roof. I watched as rocks started to fall, and quickly grabbed Rory. Nothing else mattered. I had to save him. I got to him in time, and quickly made for the exit.
A few boulders came crashing down, but Spike moved the one vital one, and we made our escape. Sadly, though, we were the only ones to get out. All the others weren’t fast enough, and got caught under the rubble. Knowing that other aliens might show up at any time, we three quickly made our way to Canterlot. I knew that if Kiqo wasn’t there, it would be a wonderful mountain stronghold. What I didn’t expect was the mother of my child, wingless like us.
When I had finished my tale, Pinkie trotted in, followed by Twilight, Fluttershy, and a whole masquerade of other mares, including both Vinyl Scratch and Octavia.
“I can already tell this is going to be a good story” I said, watching a whole thousand mares appear from a solid wall in a conga line.
“Sure is” Twilight said, diving headfirst into her tale of escape.
I woke to the ringing of picks against rocks. I apparently had woken up very late, and had missed the leader’s speech. This didn’t concern me, though. What did concern me was the brute of a beast leaning over me. Upon seeing my eyes open, she spoke.
“I was beginning to grow worried you wouldn’t wake up. Now, if you please” she gestured to a pile of picks.
I got the message, and picked one out of the pile. I had to work on the only patch of open wall left, which happened to be right next to Fluttershy. She was making a valiant effort, but was getting very little done.
“Morning, sleepyhead. Have a nice nap?” she asked with a slight hint of anger.
“Yeah, I did. Are you feeling alright?”
She snapped, but quietly. “No! I’m not alright! Did you see what they did to the Everfree? They tore it down! Now it’s just a bare patch of dirt! All the little critters are now homeless, and I can’t do anything about it, so no, I’m not alright.”
I stared at her in shock, trying to comprehend what she had said.
“You seem angered, yellow one” our leader said from behind us. “If you let that anger flow, you could get a lot more work done.”
Fluttershy snapped again, only louder and more violently. She struck the alien across the face with her pick, making a small dent in her integument. “I don’t need some high and mighty alien whose race destroyed a beautiful piece of nature telling me that I’m not good enough!”
Fluttershy returned to the wall, fuming, while our leader left, with what appeared to be a smug grin. I had to admit, she knew how to get a worker to work harder. Maybe I could learn something from her. That would have to wait, though, since I had no idea how to go about asking her how to manipulate effectively without having it sound completely strange. Did how strange it sound matter? I couldn’t help but chuckle as I imagined myself asking her how to manipulate ponies. The look on her face was just too much.
“What’s so funny?” asked the biting voice of Fluttershy from beside me, snapping me out of my reverie.
“Oh, it’s nothing” I said, and she seemed to accept it.
After a while of working beside her, I had to pipe up. “Why can’t you just move on, Fluttershy? You’re angrier than I’ve ever seen you.”
She set down her pick and actually slapped me. I held a hoof to my cheek, more in surprise than in pain. “Your little boyfriend may be able to move on from a dead world, but just because I can’t doesn’t mean you need to shove your ways on me.”
“Geez, Fluttershy, I was just suggesting you lighten up.”
“Lighten up? LIGHTEN UP?!” she cried, drawing the attention of the others. “Why don’t you realize that our world is dead and that there’s nothing we can do about it?”
I pulled her in close, dropping my voice to a whisper. “There is something we can do, though” I was about to continue, but she cut me off.
“I know, I know. But, you weren’t awake to hear her speech. She knows all of us. She knows that I love nature, and knows that if I don’t flip out about it being gone, then something’s up. They’ve got Pinkie tied up in the bedroom, so I’m thinking we free her and get out of here.”
I was stunned. She was an excellent actor to have fooled me into thinking she had actually completely lost it. She grinned at my look of shock and returned to mining. I returned in time, but was absolutely sure they wouldn’t make untying Pinkie easy.
Eventually, we were sent to bed, and I saw what Fluttershy had meant by ‘tied up’. She sat in the middle of the crude room, a straight jacket apprehending her arms and a good length of rope keeping her legs pinned to each other. I waited for our leader to leave, and proceeded to inspect her bindings.
It was a regulation straight jacket, one quite easy to undo, and the ropes were in the same state. Of course, they were only easy to untie when I had magic. In my current condition, with only my hooves and teeth to work with, it was going to be difficult. I sighed and returned to my bed, and had the uneasiest rest I had had in ages.
It was troubled by dreams of the past. I remembered my entrance exam, when I was accepted into Celestia’s school. When I got my famous ‘Twilight eyes’, I saw a vision. It was a vision of beasts slaughtering ponies. At that time, I didn’t know who they were, but it was still scary. I tried to block it out, but when I did, I released the magic energy that allowed me to see the vision. It flowed from me into my surroundings, causing what had happened to happen to happen. Celestia realized what was happening, and dispelled that magic. She told me later what it meant. She too had these horrid visions, and knew her end was inevitable.
It had been heartbreaking, hearing her talk of her own death as a passing fad, but I knew that those beasts, whom I now call master, would eventually come to this world and destroy us all. As I progressed through her school like a thunderbolt, I continued to have these visions. I learned to listen to them, and saw my own demise. When I did, I could not accept the fact that I would die in a dead world. I vowed that day that I would not go down without a fight.
When I met the girls later, and was assigned to them, I found out that the Elements would increase my already great power, and that I could channel both my white-eye power and the power of the elements to double the magical output. This allowed me, and the others in a small way, to defeat both Nightmare Moon and Discord.
Of course, I had no way to invoke these visions voluntarily, so it was really chance that allowed me to defeat those two. Or possibly, the girls brought the visions. Who really knew for sure? Celestia probably did.
My mind tossed and turned as I did, and eventually came to settle on the topic of what the Elements really were. Celestia had said they were more than they seemed, not just gems, but if they weren't that, then what were they? I knew that the girls and I had restored them after Nightmare Moon had destroyed them, but did that really make them more? Were the gems simply symbolic, and the elements dwelled in every set of good friends? If that was the case, then why were we the Wielders? I had so many questions, but I had no idea who could answer them. If I found Celestia...
I shook my head and corrected that thought. When I find Celestia. Yes, I was going to find her. And she could answer my questions. Unless she was dead. No, she had to be alive. She couldn't just die. Alicorns just don't do that. They're immortal, right? Then again, the Tratchy had shut off all magic, so why couldn't they kill the unkillable?
But, then I remembered what Celestia had told me once. She and Luna functioned as a wellspring for the magic of Equestria. That meant that if the magic was gone, then so were they. Or maybe they had simply sealed them off. But, Celestia had said that was as likely as her dying. Of course, she had seen her death, so that was bound to happen, making the sealing bound to happen as well, right? So, if she had seen both her death and, in a roundabout way, the sealing of all magic, then which was it? Only escaping to Canterlot could get me the answers.
I tossed and turned for a while but eventually realized I couldn't sleep. I decided to rise, guessing it was only a few hours after I had first bed down, and went back to mining. Eventually, the leader came out to see what I was doing. Satisfied that I wasn't trying to escape, she left me to my thoughts.
My first thought was where everyone else was. Kiqo would probably make short work if escaping, if I knew him, and if the other three girls were together, I was sure they would make an excellent team. Ace could probably handle himself, so I wasn't too awfully worried about him.
So, if they were presumably going to escape, I had better set about untying Pinkie so we could get out as well. I set down my pick and returned to the bedroom, where she was konked out on the floor.
I went over to her, and started to try to untie the knots. It was a difficult task, since the only way I had done it before was with magic. I worked and worried the knots, and eventually got her legs undone. I then moved on to the straight jacket, and found that the belts keeping her forelegs in place were much easier to undo than the knots. I made short work of them, and roused her.
She stared up at me groggily, then held a hoof to her head. When she realized she could she wrapped me in a big hug.
With her indomitable tunneling powers back, we roused the others and left for Canterlot. We had to make a sort of conga line, so that we would all wind up in the same place. When we got there, I told Kiqo my tale.
"Wait, wait, wait" he said, holding a paw up. "You're telling me it took you a day to escape?" I nodded. "It took me a year!"
"Then that means" I trailed off, staring at Pinkie, who was socializing.
He followed my train of thought, which had arrived at the destination of: 'Pinkie can time travel?!'.
Shaking myself from that disturbing thought, I asked Kiqo what I almost didn't want to ask. "Where's the princess?"
He turned to me, sadness bringing his voice to a new low. "She's dead, Twi. I found her and Luna. I cremated them, since I've never been fond of burials."
"That's probably for the better. Nobles are usually cremated. What did you do with the ashes and bones?"
He took me to the throne room, and I saw Celestia's regal skull perched there, an urn on one side, her bones on the other. He told me that it was the same at Luna's throne, but I couldn't hear him over my own thoughts.
"Did Rarity give birth?" I asked him.
"Yes" he said, a little shocked. "Why?"
"I've got an idea."
I sought out Rarity, then Tom. He agreed to my terms, and followed me. I pressed a hidden switch on the back of the throne. A stairway descended from where there was once solid floor. Celestial had shown me this place some time in the past, and it was supposed to be known only to royalty. I descended the long stairs, the dragony right behind me. Eventually, we got to what I was looking for.
It was a golden fountain, and it shimmered with immense magical energy. I instructed Tom to drink from it, and he did. When he did, I felt the magic surge back into me. I knew it. The Tratchy had only killed Celestial and Luna, not sealed the magic. Of course, this meant Tom was now sealed as being the new immortal ruler of Equestria.
I then had him restore all the pegasi's wings, and he obliged. Every pegasus we had rescued was extremely grateful, and had a race, just to feel the wind in their manes again.
She finds out the Princesses are dead and doesn’t even bat an eye. And I thought I was weird. Oh well, I had other things to do. I sought out Applejack, who was chatting with another mare.
“Hey, AJ” I said when the other left.
“Hey there. Whadja need?”
“Well, I managed to hold on to a piece of Tratchy shell, and I was wondering if you could crack it” I said, leaving and motioning for her to follow me.
"Tratchy?”
I gave her a quizzical look. “Ya know, the big red and purple things that call us their slaves.”
“Oh, right, right” she said, more than a little ashamed. “Anyway, why do you want me to crack it?”
“I want to see if it can be done.”
“Well, I’m sure it can, but what does this have to do with me?”
“Well, I know it can be done with picks and the like, but I think you may be able to crack them with just your hooves.”
She then managed to put two and two together, and was raring to go when we walked into the training room I had set up. I hung the plate at about hip level, and she did her best to crack it. I didn’t see it, though, since I was knocked out by something or other.
Applejack
Crack! I grinned proudly at the newly cracked Tratchy plate, but only until I heard a thunk. I looked over, and saw Kiqo lying unconscious on the floor. I went over and inspected him, but couldn’t find any sign of a blow. If he hadn’t been knocked unconscious by a blow, then it was probably magic, and if it was magic related, Twilight would probably know.
So, I picked him up, throwing onto my back, and set off to find Twilight. I found her eventually, and every pegasus in Canterlot, in the new throne room. Tom was sitting on the throne, restoring the pegasi’s wings. When Twilight saw me come in, she immediately rushed over. I set him down, and she proceeded to inspect him.
“It seems the magical feedback from Tom drinking from the well did more than just restore our magic” she said after a while.
“So, it was a magical blow?”
She was about to respond, but Kiqo groaned, distracting the both of us.
“Mornin” he said, stretching. “Why was I asleep?”
“Well, it would appear that having your magic restored caused damage to your mind. Not that there was much left to damage, but you get the picture.”
He just gave her the ‘Really?’ look. “So, if my magic were restored, then I should be able to use it, right?”
“Right.”
His horn popped and fizzled a little, and a dust mote twitched a little.
“Okay, so maybe he didn’t fully restore yours, but it shouldn’t be much of a hindrance, right?”
He grumbled a little, and Twilight asked him to speak up. “I’ve always had something to grab things. As a human, I had hands, and here I had magic. There was only a short period where I had to use my mouth, so I never really got the hang of it.”
“Oh, right.”
“Ah could teach ya” I offered.
“Thanks, but no thanks. I know enough about cybernetics that I could probably build a new pair of arms.”
“Cybernetics?”
He stared at me, a little puzzled. He opened his mouth, then shut it, then repeated this process a few more times. “Cybernetics deals with robots” he said, finally getting out what he was trying to say.
“Robots?”
He just facehoofed, then adopted a bewildered look. “Since when have I been a pony?”
“Since ya came here.”
“But I turned into a dog. What happened to that?”
“I guess the magical feedback dispelled it.”
“I guess. Anyway, I’m gonna need an assistant. Severing limbs isn’t easy by yourself, especially when they’re yours.”
Twilight and I shared a quick concerned glance, and she followed him to the lab.
Kiqo
“Alright, so what do you know about wiring?” I asked Twilight when we were inside the lab.
“Nothing.”
I sighed. “Alright, the first two rules of wiring are don’t work while plugged in, and don’t cross the wires.”
“Why?”
I sighed again. “That’s not important. If you really want to find out, you can do it on your own time.”
“Come on, can’t you tell me?”
“They’ll explode.”
She looked absolutely bewildered. “Really?”
“Yes. Not a great fireball, but enough that if there are flammable gases in the atmosphere, the air will ignite.”
“You know this how?”
“I got really bored one summer.”
“Alright, that’s all I want to know.”
I chuckled. “Anyways, I’ll walk you through all the rest.”
“Okay.”
I did walk her through the rest, and with only a few explosions, she made the arms.
“That was actually more fun than I thought it would be” she said, admiring her work.
“Yeah, now comes the not so fun part. For me. I dunno, maybe you’ll get some sort of sick pleasure out of it” I said, taking a shot of morphine.
“What’s that?”
“Painkillers, so that you aren’t deafened when you cut my arms off.”
“We’re just gonna do this? I thought you would like, demonstrate it or something first” she said, looking horrified.
“I’ll talk you through it, alright? Now, grab that hacksaw” I said, gesturing to the saw laying on the table.
She did as she was told, though very shakily.
“Is it sanitary?” she asked in a quavering voice.
“It should be, but it couldn’t hurt to do it again.”
She resanitized it, and stood at the ready at my shoulder.
“Alright, now, I’m not going to feel anything, so don’t think you’re hurting me in any way, alright?” she nodded. “Good, now, don’t cut through the bone. Just cut through all the flesh around the bone.”
She nodded, and I could see tears welling in her eyes. She set to work, and in a few painless minutes I had one dangling arm. She however, was turning green.
“If you’re gonna barf, aim it away from the wound, alright?”
“Do you even realize what you just put me through? I just sawed your arm off, and now you’re just casually asking me not to barf on it? Are you crazy?”
I stared at her with a stone cold expression. “Ask Ace about his left arm sometime. Then you’ll know why I seem so cold.”
She realized what I was saying, and immediately backed down. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”
“That’s alright, it’s not your fault. Now, I have this arm problem.”
“Oh, right.”
“Alright, just pop it out of the socket” she did, and laid the severed limb on the table. “Now, in my little bag of fun, you’re going to see some plates that look like they would fit over a shoulder” she pulled some of them out, but I shook my head. “Not those ones, the ones with the socket in them” she pulled out right ones, and I nodded eagerly. “Alright, now there are some orbs with three spherical indentations in one side” she pulled those out, and set them next to the plates. “Alright, now I need you to create loops out of my veins, making the output one flow directly into the input ones and then bundle my nerve endings up. Think you can do that?” she nodded solemnly, and got to work.
About halfway through the process, she had to give me another shot of morphine, but other than that it was fairly uneventful. She threaded the nerve endings through the hole in the socket of the plate, then popped the plate into my socket, forming an artificial exoskeletonal shoulder blade. She then inserted the nerve endings into the orb, then popped that into the reinforced socket. I tried moving my arm, and beamed when the small ball buzzed a little.
“Brilliant. Now all that needs to be done is for the arm to be socketed.”
“Is that what the port is for?”
“Yes. It’s my own design. You can painlessly remove your arm and replace it with another, per the need of your situation. Of course, that’s now outdated, since I developed an arm that simply stores different endings inside of it, but it can still be handy in getting out of sticky situations.”
She slid the arm in, socket meeting port, and it emitted an audible click. I tested it out, and grinned again.
“I am so glad this worked!”
“There was a chance it wouldn’t?”
“Well, back in the beta stages, when I had only my ‘guinea pig’ to test on, one of them may have exploded when you tried to move it in a certain way.”
“And you had me wire you up with what could possibly have killed you?”
“Look, I know what went wrong in the first one. I forgot to cover some sections of wire, and they crossed and exploded.”
“So, it was because you crossed your wires?”
“Yep.”
“Well, that’s certainly a tale. I suppose this has something to do with Ace’s arm story?”
“Yeah. Once we finish this up, I’ll find him, sit him down, and we’ll tell you what happened, alright?”
“Alright.”
She proceeded with the other arm, and it went off without any hitches.
“So, what do we do with the spare arms?”
“Throw ‘em in the freezer. They could be some sort of relic. You’ll go into a museum after this is all over, and the museum guide will say: ‘And these are the arms of Kiqo, one of the main heroes of Equestria.’”
“Yeah, and there’ll be some kid who’ll ask how they got them.”
“He wouldn’t be expecting him to say ‘out of the royal freezer’.”
We shared a laugh, and tracked down Ace. He was in the gardens, training. He rounded at the sound of our hoofbeats, but stood down when he saw it was just us.
“What’s up?” he asked.
“Well, I’m sure you remember, way back when, in the summer of thirteen?”
“Oh, no. You are not forcing that story out of me. That was a terrible idea and I never should have trusted you on that.”
“Look, it still functions, right?”
“Well, yeah, but I’m not telling her that story.”
“You don’t have to. Just help me out with the details. You know how my memory is.”
“Alright, but I’m not doing any more than that.”
“That’s fine. You don’t need to” I turned to Twilight, and began the tale. “A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away” I started, but Ace cut me off with a cough. “What?”
“Well, two things. One, it wasn’t really that long ago, and B, it wasn’t in a galaxy far away, it was in a separate universe altogether.”
“Fine, kill the mood. Anyway, it was a while ago, in our world, and he and I were in the wash. I had just started dabbling in cybernetics, but had gotten pretty good by then. I convinced Ace to be my guinea pig, and he grudgingly said yes. So, we went back to my makeshift lab, which was in my attic crawlspace, and I lopped off his left hand. I replaced it with a robotic one, but it exploded, making his arm toast. So I had to take off his entire arm. He almost didn’t want me to replace it, but he eventually relented, and his new arm hasn’t exploded yet. I’m honestly surprised he trusted me to replace his eye.”
He glared at me, his artificial retina tinting red. “Yeah, and I like how you slipped in that guinea pig comment.”
“Did I never tell you that was what I really started on?”
“No, I thought you were just calling that time back to memory.”
“Oh, no. One of my neighbors had an injured guinea pig, but didn’t have the money for a vet. So, she entrusted him to me, and he wound up with a robotic leg. I loved that little guy” I said wistfully.
“You two have the strangest friendship” Twilight said, looking somewhere between confused and happy.
“Well, that seems to be our way” I said, nudging Ace to continue the jingle we had made up.
“Through thick and through thin” he grumbled.
“For better or for worse.”
“We’ll always be...”
“Bros for life” we finished together, though I was much more enthusiastic than he was.
Twilight collapsed laughing, and Ace left, grumbling.
“So, how does he hide it?” Twilight asked when she recovered.
“His arm? He wears a sleeve. It’s flesh colored, so anyone who doesn’t touch it probably doesn’t know. I’m sure Rainbow noticed, though.”
“Yeah. Well, I’ve got some research to do, see if there are any historical documents about a Tratchy invasion.”
“Alright, well, see you later.”
She turned and left, and I sought out Rarity. I found her eventually, talking to Spike. I honestly didn’t want to interrupt them, but after about ten minutes of nonstop chatter, I had to interrupt.
“I hate to interrupt you two, but there is a matter of some importance I have been mulling over. And it concerns you, Rarity.”
“Alright, well, Spike, I’ll see you later” he departed, but not before landing a kiss on her lips. “Anyway, what was concerning you, Kiqo?”
“The matter of armor. In a fit of boredom, I learned to smith, but could never form the armor right. So, since you’re a dressmaker, you would probably have an easier time of it. Would you?”
“Well, I suppose it’s to help the war effort, so if it means one day being able to live free, then I suppose I should.”
“Brilliant. Now, I found a forge earlier, so all that’s left is your training.”
“Wait, aren’t smiths irreputably buff?”
“Yes, is that a problem?”
“Well, no, it’s just that I think I would look silly being so muscular.”
“The female anatomy does not easily give sway to larger muscles, no matter the strength.”
“I suppose you’re right. Alright, so, this training?”
“Right this way, m’lady.”
She rolled her eyes, but followed me nonetheless. We eventually arrived at the smith’s stand, its occupant either long dead or long enslaved. I taught her the craft, and she got the hang of armor making in no time at all. I had her make a set for everyone, and she obliged. I knew it would take her a while, since we were over a thousand strong. But, I had faith in her, and by the ringing as I walked away, my faith was not misplaced.
Now, I just had to find Fluttershy. I heard melodious singing coming from some corner of the castle, and decided to follow it. At its source, like the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow, was the pink haired, white hared pony I sought. I approached her quietly, not wanting to interrupt her song. When she finished, I spoke up.
“That was beautiful.”
She squeaked. “Oh, Kiqo, I didn’t hear you come up.”
“Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you. What was that?”
“It was a song my grandmother sang to me.”
“That’s a rarity. A beautiful song with sentimental value. Anyways, I came on business.”
“I figured as much.”
“Oh?”
“Yes. Anyone can see that you aren’t an outgoing pony, Kiqo.”
“Alright, you caught me. But is it really a crime?”
“I would have to say no, or else I would have been locked up years ago.”
We shared a laugh, but I pressed on to the aforementioned business. “So, that business. Do you faint at the sight of blood?”
“Oh, no. I’ve doctored enough animals to be undisturbed.”
“Well, funny that you bring up doctoring, because that’s what I’m here about.”
“You want me to doctor soldiers, don’t you?”
I stared at her in shock. “And I thought Twilight was the clever one.”
She giggled. “She is, but who says I can’t be, too?”
“Well, no one did say, but anyways, do you know about pony doctoring?”
“I know enough about animal doctoring that whatever I don’t know about pony doctoring, I can make pretty good guesses.”
“Well, that makes my job simpler, especially since I know nothing about first aid.”
She smiled softly. “I suppose this means you’ll be going?”
“Yep. I’m a busy pony, apparently.”
She gave me a questioning look, but did not press the matter. Now to find Applejack. I had plans for that plate cracking, before I was so rudely spontaneously knocked out. First time in forever, and it had to come at the most inconvenient time. Just like my rare ectopic wave of nausea. The last one had made me botch a date. Oh, that was a nightmare. While I was in the bathroom, she bailed. Right after finishing her lobster, of course. God, she was a bitch. As I was lost in thought, I bumped into somepony.
“Oops, sorry” I said hurriedly.
“‘Sno problem, sugarcube.”
“Oh, AJ! I was actually looking for you.”
“Looks like ya managed to bump into me, eh?”
I chuckled. “Yep. Anyway, about that Tratchy plate. D’jou manage to crack it?”
“Sure did. Why?”
“Well, I was hoping you teach the others how.”
“Sure can. ‘Sthat all?”
“Yeah. See ya around.”
“Bye.”
That was easy. Now to find Spike. He was going to be an important piece. I wonder where he could be? Maybe Twilight would know. I had a job for her, too, so maybe seeking out the both of them would prove to be deuced advantageous. She was probably in the library, like I would if I didn’t have things to do. I found her in the library, snout deep in a book.
“Oh, hey Kiqo. I think this book would interest you” she said, pushing the book to me.
I glanced at the title. ‘A Document on Humans, How They Come to Equestria, and What Happens Thereafter’.
“Bit of a mouthful. But, I’ve got business to attend to.”
She mock saluted, and I rolled my eyes.
“What?” she asked, sounding hurt. “Everypony knows that you salute alicorns, since they are of noble blood.”
“Look, I don’t ca-” I stopped myself, realizing what she had said. “Alicorn?”
“Didn’t you know you were an alicorn?”
“No!” I exclaimed, venturing a look at my back. “Holy haybales, I really am. When did this happen?”
“You woke up from your magical concussion like that.”
“Is that why everypony’s been listening to what I order?”
“I guess so. Anyway, what are you here for?”
“Right, that business. Have you seen Spike?”
“Yes, I have. Spike!”
“Yes?” he called from the shelves.
“Kiqo wants to talk to you.”
“Gimme a second.”
“You don’t keep alicorns waiting, Spike!”
“Twilight!” I cried, outraged. “Just because I happen to be gifted with more physical attributes than you, or anypony else, does not make me greater, just like the fact that the earth ponies lack any such extremities does not make them lesser.”
She just smirked. “And this is why I didn’t choose you for the throne, aside from the fact that Tom was already there. You aren’t a leader, in the traditional sense. You don’t assume the leadership role, you just let your actions speak for themselves, whether anypony else listens to you or not.”
“If only I could put what you said into the shell of a nut, and carve ‘Kiqo’ on it. Oh well.”
“I’m not sure I follow.”
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
She retained a confused look for a few seconds, but then caught it, and chuckled a little. Spike came over then, and I proceeded to instruct him.
“I need you to start hoarding, but make sure to not-” he cut me off.
“Right, right, hoard until I’m a certain size, but don’t go crazy. How big?”
“Full size, preferably. Lots of Tratchy to kill.”
“Alright, I’ll see what I can do.”
“Good, now, Twilight.”
“Yes?”
“Your role intertwines beautifully with Spike’s. You’ll ride him into battle, and keep score. Basically, you’ll be commanding the army.”
“Okay. What do you mean by ‘keep score’, though?”
“Keep tallies on how many of ours and theirs are dead.”
“Oh. That makes sense.”
“I’m glad it does. Now, if you’ll excuse me.”
“Right. Goodbye, your highness.”
I groaned, even though I was smiling. Five down, three to go. So much walking. I will be so glad when today is over. But, that’s a concern for later. Right now, I needed to find a certain ball of fluffy pink joy. I figured I’d just follow the noise of conversation, since she seemed to always be the heart of them. Surprisingly, she wasn’t where all the other ponies were. I asked around, and found that Rarity had asked for her.
Weird, was she already getting some pony’s armor done? I dismissed that thought, and went back to the blacksmith’s stand. Sure enough, Rarity was fitting Pinkie into a new suit of armor. Pink as the pony underneath, it would be hard to miss her on the battlefield. When she was fitted, she lifted her visor and greeted me.
“Hey, alicorn!”
“Look, being an alicorn is nothing special in my book. Besides, I don’t have magic, so in all technicalities, I’m really just an oversized pegasus with a deformity.”
“You lost me at ‘technicalities’.”
I sighed. “Damn this overextensive literary assemblage of knowledge.”
She just giggled. “Anyway, mister ‘oversized pegasus’, what’s up?”
“I’ve a job for you.”
“For the war, right?”
“Right. I’m just going to need you to transport our troops to the front line, and then back at Twilight’s command.”
“Oh. That’s it? That’ll be easy!”
“I’m glad you think so” then, in my most regal voice: “Thou art dismissed.”
She laughed so hard she fell over. Attempting to speak over her raucous laughter, I addressed Rarity. “How’s the armor coming?”
“Pinkie’s is the only one besides mine I’ve gotten done. Is that too slow?”
“Of course not! Hay, when I was doing it, I’d have hardly a half a set done.”
She returned to work, but I couldn’t help but notice something. “What’s that hammer behind you?”
“Oh, this? Well, if I ever have to fight, I’m sure I can just use this like a smith’s hammer on their plating.”
“Is Tom the third written on it?”
She giggled. “Yes. I thought it would be funny.”
I laughed as well. “It definitely is. Anyway, I must be going. Many preparations are in order.”
“But of course. I’m sure you’re a busy pony.”
“See you around.”
I walked away, once more to the ringing of a smith, but this time to seek out Rainbow. She’d be critical in this war, but I had no idea where to find her. Perhaps Ace knew. Then again, considering the last note we ended on, he probably wouldn’t want to see me. Probably just needed to let off some steam on those training dummies. But who else would know where she is? Maybe I could ask that Rainbow blur that just shot past. I took off after what was undoubtedly Rainbow, giving my new wings a workout. I was not used to flying, and was quite a bit slower than her, but I persisted. Eventually, I suppose she noticed me following her and slowed up.
“Hey, slowpoke. What’s up?”
I panted heavily, having used muscles I didn’t even have before. “Can we stop flying? I’m not so good at this.”
She giggled, but landed all the same. I immediately collapsed, having never known exhaustion like this since eighth grade gym. She towered over me, smirking a little.
“Not the endurance type, are ya?”
“No, I am. It’s just that I’ve never flown before. On my own, anyway.”
“So, do you think you can beat me on hoof if I’m in the air?”
“When I can breathe, yes.”
She chuckled. “I doubt it. But, we can give it a shot later.”
“Alright. Anyway, I’ve got a proposition.”
She glared at me.
“Right. I’ve got an ultimatum.”
She glared harder.
“A proposal?” Glare. “A recommendation?”
She sighed. “That’s probably the best I’m gonna get outta you. So, what’s this plan of yours?”
“Well, Fluttershy’s going to act as medic on the battlefield, but you’re faster than she, so I’m proposing you take the wounded to her, a fair ways back from the front lines, so we can save lives easier.”
She groaned. “You’re doing this to bug me, aren’t you?”
“I could speak in a far more extraneously overextensive dialect, if you do prefer.”
She groaned again. “I’m gettin’ outta here. I’ll do what you want me to, but” she groaned yet again. “just, don’t talk like that ever again.”
I chuckled. “See ya, blitz.”
She took off in a stream of color, and I went to find Ace. I was sure he knew what he’d be doing, but I needed to apologize. Sometimes my mouth got the better of me, and recirculating the memories of what I’d done was just terrible of me. And then forcing that jingle on him. Some days I just couldn’t believe the trouble my mouth got me in. Sure, he hadn’t said anything about it, but I knew him better than he even knew. That huff he walked off in did give away a little, but I knew he was really a lot angrier than he let show.
I figured I’d find him letting off steam on the training dummies, and right I was. He was destroying the one, a lot more vicious than when he had been training earlier. That was the last clue that I needed. This was going to be difficult, since he was basically emanating rage.
“Hey, buddy” I said, cautiously approaching.
He whirled on me, speaking in a voice he only used when extremely pissed. “You dain to call your buddy after the trials and tribulations you put me through? I ought to slit your throat for what you’ve done. You had no right to go and tell that tale, let alone tell it near me. I had nearly succeeded in tucking that memory away, but you had to go and bring it up. Then that jingle. I told you that we would bury that away, forget it forever.”
“Dude, you know my tongue. It gets away from me, and sometimes I say things that I don’t mean, make promises I shouldn’t keep.”
“Yes, I know this” he spat. “Ever think you could break a promise? Oh, wait. You already have. You remember that time, don’t you?”
I lowered my head, shamed. “Dude, I already apologized.”
“You told me you’d help me with that.”
“Dude, that was illegal. You know that as well as I do.”
“He deserved what should have come to him. You know that as well as I do.”
“I know we both hated him, but we had no reason to really go after him.”
“No reason?” he laughed. “We had every reason. Do you know what he did to my sister?”
“No” I said, hesitant though curious.
“He beat her into a bloody pulp. She was hospitalized for days. Then, I plan revenge and you chicken out.”
I was taken aback. “You never told me. If i had known, I would’ve brought more concrete.”
He chuckled. “Maybe that is my fault, then. Still, can you imagine burying his house in so much.”
“I dunno, I liked his house.”
“All the more reason to hate him, right?”
“Yeah. So, we on even terms now?”
“I guess. Let me blow off some steam, and I’ll be alright.”
“Alright.”
I left him to his training, proud of how well that had gone. Now I had some research to do, namely on why the hay I was an alicorn and why I no longer had my magic. But, as I yawned, I realized I was dog tired, so I bed down with Twilight on a bed in the Royal Guard’s barracks.
I have taken to keeping a log again, since I expect these next days and my next decisions to be something to put down in the history books. Not because I am an astounding general, which I may be, not because I’m a great leader, which I could be, but because this war is monumental. Whether we win or lose, this marks a new era for Equestria. If we win, it will be the era of Tom, who will lead when present becomes past. If we lose, we will see either an era of slavery or an era of desolation, for we could just kill everyone. I wouldn’t, nor would I authorize such a maneuver, but the possibility is always there.
This is the day after I found out how to measure magic, and normally I would date these entries. However, I know not if Equestria runs on the same calendar as Earth, though I know it does run on the same week schedule. Either way, as stated, this is the day after I found I can put out two thousand watts of magic power. In essence, this much wattage simply means I can cast a whole lot of spells. But, this is not a personal journal, so I must get back on track.
I have ordered told Pinkie to use her portal powers to win us some new recruits. She has done so, and our numbers rank in the hundred thousands. Fluttershy has gone, as I have instructed, with a group of other pegasi, to see what beasts from the Everfree still remain. I told her to round up as many as she could, and since she is not back yet, I am hopeful that some still remain. Of course, my ever present pessimistic side tells me she’s dead. I highly doubt that, though I have no solid reason to. Still, we will see her status when she returns.
In other news, Rarity is working herself near to death. Even in the bedraggled state she is in, she is crafting the highest quality armor I have seen since my apprenticeship. I begged her to stop earlier, and she agreed. However, she could not just rest. She wound up buzzing around, making sure people were caring for their armor, that things were in order, that sort of thing. In an effort to keep her in place, and to sate my own curiosity, I had her test her magic strength. She told me that she had tested it before, and that she put out around five hundred watts. This time, however, she maxed near a thousand. If it isn’t already in the books, I will note that magical exercise increases your magical strength, just as physical exercise increases physical strength.
But I digress. I should state that Rarity is running low on iron. With this being the main metal for our armors, this puts us in quite dire straits. I have not yet found a solution for this dilemma, though I have considered commandeering an abandoned mine for this purpose. However, this could attract attention from the Tratchy, so I am hesitant. I have theorized that Tratchy plating could be melted down and reformed, but I have yet to test this.
This next entry was written roughly two hours after the first. Fluttershy has returned, and has requested more nets. We now have a hydra and a manticore in the gardens. This bodes extremely well, and the ursa major she promises next trip lifts my hope for this grueling conflict to an all time high.
This entry was written an hour after the last. Rarity has confirmed my fears. We are out of iron. I have suggested using the crystals in the crystal caves, but the little we can break off can’t be melted. Not with our equipment, anyway. I have seen her eyeing my scrap bag, though I have told her that it is more valuable than any armor. Still, I fear some pieces may go missing tonight. It is not that I distrust her, per se, but I fear she is desperate, and doesn’t want anypony to die on the field. I understand her on that point, but my scrap will not be melted down for some measly armor.
In lighter news, I used some of that scrap to build the weapon of Vinyl’s dreams. She came to me a while ago, saying something about a mythical speaker system with a deep enough bass to break bones. I took her hint, and made the Bass Cannon Mk. 1. We tested it out on a wall, and the mortar got jostled loose, the bricks were cracked, and a few bricks even got displaced. Of course, this is only the first mark, and I plan to enhance it to the point of total annihilation. That’s for later, though.
I have sent Twilight riding away on Spike, with as many ponies as we can armor, and have told her to bring back the dead. She looked at me with concern, more than likely remembering our conversation about necromancy. If she doesn’t bring back the dead, however many there may be, we will more than likely be shorter on armor.
I should probably not our equipment. As it has been hinted, we are wearing a medieval style of armor, most of us wearing full plate. Rarity, in her fashionist ways, made more stylized armors for the ponies she knew. This has made quite the scene, I must say. It is quite glorious to see a good hundred ponies, glinting in the sun, following a dragon into battle. Of course, I would be out there, too, but my pessimistic side keeps everyone except for Twilight, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Spike, and the infantry off the front lines. For our weapons, we have simply what the royal armory could provide. Mostly, that is machine guns, though a few rocket launchers and one flamethrower were found.
Fluttershy returned, two hours after the prior entry, with an ursa major and two minors. She set out again, hoping to maybe wrangle a few phoenixes. One of the other ponies mentioned a dragon, but Fluttershy quickly silenced her. I can only hope we won’t need that kind of power to win this war.
Twilight has come back, another hour since the last entry, reporting three deaths on their side and only one on ours. She brought back all four corpse, as I asked, and we lay the dead mare to rest beside the others in the Canterlot graveyard. I had the Tratchy shells removed, and we successfully melted them down. However, Rarity is none too pleased. In the melting test, we mixed some red and purple, and she said ‘That looks atrocious!’. I really hope she can over her fashionista sense and make armor from the mixed colors, or we may never get any more armor.
Rarity came to me, this being written twenty minutes after the prior entry, and told me wonderful news. Not only did she manage to make armor from the shells, but she made them fashionable, too. I am not so excited about that last part, but I am definitely excited to hear that we are producing armor again. She also asked why I wasn’t using the dead mare’s armor. I told her it was a sign of respect. She didn’t understand, which I expected, since it is a tradition from a war filled world. I explained it thus: ‘When a soldier dies, they are buried on the soil of their homeland, and their helmet is placed on their grave. Then, their armor is then passed on to their children, when they come of age.’ I feel she really understood, and when she left I almost felt homesickness. How I could be yearning for such a brutal planet, I know not, but yet some piece of me wants to go back.
I sent Twilight back out onto the field, telling her to aim for the mines still inhabited. I hope she’s bolder this time around, since the more dead Tratchy, the less dead ponies. Fluttershy’s squad has been trailing in, bringing smaller and smaller creatures. One of them I gave an award, since she brought back a dragon. I also gave her leave, to nurse her burns. I guess dragons just don’t like being woken up. I should note that, since leading a group of Tratchy into a dragon’s lair would make for a mean surprise.
It’s been three hours, and it’s creeping upon four in the evening. Twilight hasn’t been back yet, and with the sun setting, I have instructed Fluttershy’s squad to stand down. I can only hope for the best, because if Twilight dies, we may all die.
Five in the evening. Twilight came back, in one piece. THe same can’t be said for her squad. We lost another five, though killed ten. Rarity has figured out how many scales she needs to make a suit of armor, and with ten Tratchy bodies, we’ve got twenty new sets of armor. In addition to the new armor, we have about a thousand new ponies. I am beginning to grow worried, since a purely vegetarian food source is harder to sustain than an omnivorous one, and we are running out of land. Though, with the nation being a primarily agricultural one, I am sure we will find no shortage of farmable land. We have a lot of ground to cover, but many have said a celebration is due. To mourn the dead and celebrate our small victories. I suppose I’ll join them, since if we do not celebrate our small victories, we won’t be around to even see the largest.
Six in the morning. Twilight’s already back on the field, attempting to reclaim some farmland. I also sent Pinkie on a scouting mission, to sum up how many they have. She reported back in incredibly quick time, estimating a thousand. This war will be a cinch. They’re outnumbered a hundred to one.
Two days have passed. The Tratchy are down to a hundred. We are down to fifty. While half our troops were out this morning, the Tratchy came in and slaughtered everypony in sight. I have done a roll call, and found a glimmer of hope in the dust of dismay. With us still are Spike, Twilight, Rarity, Fluttershy, Dash, Pinkie, AJ, Ace, Vinyl, Tom, and Octavia, along with thirty eight well and able armored ponies. Tom was hiding in the crystal caves, since we needed him alive, so he couldn’t really help.
With all the unused Tratchy bodies, we have forged ourselves weapons, for those that needed them. Everypony is required to wear armor at all times now, and to have a sword within hoove’s reach even more often. I have myself a bow, with a two hundred draw weight. Normally, only extremely strong ponies could pull such a beast, but with my robotic augmentation, I can pull it with ease. Canterlot will be abandoned come morning. We are taking the fight to them.
--Kiqo--
“Kiqo, quit blaming yourself. You couldn’t have done anything to prevent it” Twilight said, worry etching her voice.
“I know that” I said quietly. “That’s why I’m blaming myself. I should’ve been able to do something about it.”
That shut her up, along with everypony else. After a pause, I dove into our game plan.
“We know they know where we are. Which means we need to leave, else face slaughter like that again.”
“But, they know we know they know where we are, so they’ll be expecting us to leave. So, they may not send a squad out here to check” Ace piped up.
“Right, yes. As is, though, the outcome is unsure, so I say we stick to the original plan. All in favor?”
The proposal was met with a resounding ‘I’, and I moved on.
“The next question is where. Any ideas?”
“Well” Twilight started. “When Celestia accidentally burned everything in the years she couldn’t raise the moon, people thought they were doomed. However, she used magic from the wellspring to heal the land. Maybe we could regrow the forests and hide out in them.”
“Solid plan. However, when the Tratchy see the forests come back, they will probably think we’ll be hiding there, so, with that possibility, it isn’t so solid.”
Twilight pondered that, and Dash chipped in. “We could use the forest as a distraction, then hide in the mountains.”
“Brilliant!” I cried, though I saw a glare of jealousy cross from Twilight to Dash. “They will never see that coming. All in favor?”
All but Twilight said ‘I’, but with such near unanimity, I disregarded her negative vote, since I probably couldn’t change her mind.
“So, pack up your things. We head out at dawn.”
“Everything?”
“As much as you need, limited by what you can carry.”
“Alright.”
I breathed in the crisp air. Dawn on a mountainside was always a fun time. Or so I thought. The other ponies didn’t seem to think much of either mountainsides, dawns, or both.
“Come on” I called to the rest. “We’ll never make it in time if you sloths don’t hurry up.”
“What are we trying to make it in time for?” Ace asked. “And where are we going?”
“Well, we’re going to try and get to this cave up ahead before the Tratchy catch wind of us.”
“How’d you find this cave?”
“That was me!” cried the hyper pink fluffball.
“Energetic as always” said a groggy Twilight. “I need more coffee before I come on a hike like this.”
“Don’t worry, Twi, we’ll be there shortly” I said, turning to her with a grin.
I was met with the grumpiest face since Cranky Doodle came to town. I immediately imitated it, walking backwards and grumping her down. She eventually cracked, and giggled a little.
“There we go. Not so grumpy now, are ya?”
“No, I guess I’m better. How much farther?”
“Just around this next bend. I hope. You said it was around the next bend, right, Pinkie?”
“Yeah!”
We rounded the bend, and sure enough, there was a cave. Inside was something that could either be more threatening than the Tratchy or possibly more inviting than a cup of hot cocoa on a cold winter’s day.
“I was wondering where you guys went!” Fluttershy cried, flying over and hugging the ursa major. “Did you guys run off when the fighting started?”
The celestial bear grunted in agreement. She emitted another affirmative grunt when Fluttershy asked if we could stay here.
I woke to the bright sun shining down on me. Wait, sun? When had that gone back to getting up in the morning? Must be Tom’s doing, what with him being the ruler and all. I glanced beside me and noticed Twilight was still asleep. As was typical, I was awake at an ‘ungodly’ hour. Oh well, that could wind up being a blessing. I shook my head, clearing both the sleep and the crowding thoughts. I needed to find out things, and since the librarian was asleep, I had only one other source to turn to.
I made my way to the throne room, weaving through the meandering corridors until I arrived in the grand chamber, the golden aligon (alicorn/dragon) on the throne.
“Hello, Kiqo. I suppose you have questions.”
“I suppose that’s written clear as day on my face isn’t it?”
“Yes it is” he said with a light chuckle.
“So, I guess first off, I have to ask why I’m an alicorn.”
“You don’t have to.”
“No, I do. My curiosity wouldn’t let me rest until I knew.”
He chuckled again. “Alright, I suppose you do have the right to know. If you look in the annals, situations such as yours, being from Earth and all, are recorded. And, when they come they are destined to rule. Therefore, when one drinks from the fountain, you are made into an alicorn, either to reclaim your rightful throne or to join your fellow on it. In your case, I suspect you have no desire to rule.”
“That is correct. But, if I may inquire, why is Ace, who came from Earth as well, not an alicorn?”
“He is.”
“I guess his hair must cover his horn entirely then” I mused. “So, if I’m destined to rule, then why is my magic gone?”
He looked a little baffled. “That’s not supposed to be. Allow me to fix that.”
He reached out a claw, touching my horn lightly. A surge of magic flowed through me, almost knocking me out again. I reeled a little when I tried to cast again, but I successfully floated more than a dust mote this time.
“Hey, stop that!” Tom said, giggling gleefully. “Put me down!”
“Just seeing how much of it I have back.”
“Well, it seems you have all of it back” he said, sitting back on his throne. “I think I might research why that happened. Although, I see you took matters into your own hands when you lost your magic.”
I glanced down at my mechanical arms. “Yeah. I was prepared for the worst. Anyway, I’ve a few more questions.”
“Alright. Shoot.”
“First off, why am I, and everyone else, a pony now, and why does nopony remember my being a dog?”
“Well, Equestria is a land of ponies, and dominates all lands on this planet, so the residents are made into ponies every time a new ruler ascends the throne. But, since most rulers do not enforce a ‘pony only’ policy, new races develop through the use of magical or alchemical transformation. You can tell the difference between the two, however. The magically transformed ones will develop all types of body form, whereas the alchemical ones will be stuck without any extra assets.”
“That’s all well and good, but why does nopony remember?”
“Amnesiatic side effects, that’s all.”
“So, that’s not the intent?”
“Not at all.”
“Well, that sets my mind at ease. I thought I had completely lost it. Oh well. Um, just by the by, but what happened to our tattoos?”
“Oh, I remember mom having those. I don’t know, honestly. Maybe artificial markings are removed in the form resetting process. That’s another thing I’ll have to look into.”
“Hmm, alright. Well, one more question. Weren’t you basically born yesterday?”
“Well, not quite, but fairly close.”
“Alright, so, if you’re not even a week old, how do you know so much?”
“I thought you said one more” he said teasingly.
“Yes, well, that question is an extension of the prior one, so mneh” I said, sticking my tongue.
He laughed heartily. “You are a fun one. But, I suppose you do deserve an answer, especially since you are the one supposed to be up here, not me. The magic wellspring, which functions as the magical source for every unicorn, has a very small proximity. So, a tradition was established. Very powerful unicorns, powerful enough to grant themselves wings, drank from this spring and amplified its power over all Equestria. They established themselves as rulers, and nopony resisted, since they honestly deserved it. But, after a few rulers passed on and new ones stepped up, the same mistakes were seen over and over, and since ponies didn’t have a precisely accurate recording system in those days of yore, they decided on a more concrete solution. They built a fountain, gold for its immense magical properties, and sealed their memories within. With a few more spells, they made it to where every being to drink from the fountain would establish a link, constantly depositing their own memories and accessing those of those prior.”
“So, every ruler is better than the last by default?”
“Quite right.”
“Intriguing. Anyways, I’ve no more questions. I’ll leave you to your duties.”
He chuckled slightly as I bowed low and backed out of the throne room. I sought out Twilight, since I also had questions on magic. I found her tucked away in the library.
“Oh, hi there! I found something quite intriguing that you might be interested in.”
“What is it?”
She pushed a book over to me. It was the same one I had rejected yesterday. It was a list of names. On one side were ones I’d expect to see on Earth, but on the other side, they were also familiar, though not from Earth.
“What is this?”
“It’s a list of all the humans that came to Equestria.”
So many familiar names I had read online. Among them were Echo, Shirotora, Zann, and every human from every other human-tagged fic. So, did this mean that we did have a certain link with Equestria? Was what we wrote inherently true, and calling the site FiMFiction a fallacy? Should it really be FiMFacts? My head whirled with elaborate conspiracy theories, and didn’t stop until Twilight violently shook me.
“Are you alright? You were just staring into space for quite a while.”
“Yeah” I paused to bring my mind to a focus. “Yeah, I’m alright. It’s just that all these names. I know them.”
“How? They all died long ago.”
“They wrote their stories down on Earth. I guess this is as good a time as any to say this, I suppose. Back there, we had a show based on you. It was mostly true, according to what you say, and many of its fans wrote stories. In some of them, a human would make his way to Equestria. They would have names, of course, but I never thought I’d see them in A Factual Recording of Those That Have Visited.”
She was stunned. “Why wouldn’t you tell me this?” she asked weakly.
“For this exact reason. I didn’t want to scare you, or make you think I’m crazy. Or crazier.”
“Still, you should have told me.”
“Better late than never?”
She sighed. “I suppose. Anyways, look at the end of the list.”
I did, and found three names: David Costello, who became Ace Grafite; William, who became Kiqo; Charles McGran, who hasn’t yet adopted a new name.
“Who’s this guy?”
“I don’t know. This book magically records all visitors, so I imagine he’s a refugee from Earth. It says his time of arrival was just three days ago, so he probably won’t like it here.”
“It’s probably better than where he came from.”
“I suppose you’re right” she thought for a moment. “He would’ve arrived in Ponyville, right?”
“Yes, why?”
“Well, it’s three days’ walk from there to here, so he could be here any minute.”
“Well, if I may say, the only reason he would’ve crawled into that tunnel would be to lick his wounds. Meaning he’s injured, so he could be a while.”
Of course, I was proven wrong when a pony stepped in, a bandage about his waist. He had a dusty alabaster coat, and a slicked back bright red mane. He spoke in a voice strengthened through training, but weakened by injury, which resulted in a slightly wheezy baritone. “Where is William? Or Kiqo, as he may be called.”
“I be he, who be ye?”
“I’m Charles. I found your journal, and I liked the idea of a new world, free from the ravages of nuclear war” he stopped, wheezing, then caught sight of my arms. “May I ask?”
I inspected my fingers. “I lost the use of magic, and wanted my hands back, so I had my assistant” I gestured to Twilight. “perform a forelimb biamputation, then replace them with these, in order to enhance my usefulness. Of course, I regained my magic, rendering these null and void, but a reverse biamputation is nigh impossible.”
He stared at me incredulously. “I can tell you’re the one who wrote that journal. You sound just the same in person.”
“Well, Charles, you don’t look so good. I know somepony who can fix you right up. Come along.”
“I have other things to tell you, though!” cried an indignant Twilight.
“And this pony may be dying soon if I don’t help him. I have no doubt that what you will tell me will be extremely important, but not more important than somepony’s life. Now, if you’ll excuse me.”
She gave a snort as I left with Charles, and I could only hope she’d forgive me.
“So, Charles, notice anything different about us?”
His breath whistled through his nose as he thought. “Well, I only see others with either horns or wings, or neither, I suppose. And, since we have both, we’re more important. Or something like that. Am I close?”
“Incredibly. We are not necessarily more important, just meant to rule. Now, I’m not sure why, but presumably it has to do with us coming from Earth.”
“Maybe that’s what Miss Nag was going to tell you.”
“Miss Nag?” At first I had no clue who he was talking about, but when I realized, I burst out laughing. “Miss Nag? Oh, that is rich. She’s not always that naggy. You should probably just call her Twilight.”
“Why?”
“Because that’s her name” I said, laughing again.
“You’re acting pretty jolly for having those beasts invading your home” he said, shooting me a sideways glance.
I clicked my tongue chatisingly. “Party pooper. I was trying to forget them.”
“You are a strange man.”
“Is this news?”
He just sighed as I laughed again, thoroughly enjoying annoying somepony new. Of course, I knew I still had to find that yellow mare, and find her we did.
“Hey, Fluttershy!” I called, catching her attention. “Come meet my new friend, Charles!”
“I wouldn’t say I’m your friend” he said through gritted teeth.
“Ooh, someone’s a Mister Grumpy Guts” Fluttershy said, landing in front of him.
“It couldn’t possibly be because I’m suffering from malnourishment, dehydration, severe lacerations, and probably pretty severe radiation poisoning, could it?”
“Sorry” she said, bowing her head, shamed.
“Hey, man, be nice to Shy. She’s the only pony with the know-how to fix you up, so if she decides not to treat you on the condition of being too grumpy, none of us can force her.”
Fluttershy glanced up at me, and I winked at her. Thankfully, Charles only got the message of ‘I might die if I don’t respect her’.
“Alright, I’m sorry. I am a little grumpy, and I shouldn’t have taken it out on you. Could you help me now?”
“I dunno” she said mockingly. “You’re still sounding pretty grumpy. You could at least smile.”
He attempted to smile, but the forced grin was just pitiful.
“That’s not a smile! Do I have to get the Smile Machine over here?”
He looked a little worried, and but on his best, least pitiful smile.
“That’ll have to do, I guess. It’ll be like accepting a chipped bit, but I can’t turn away a pony in need. Follow me.”
He sighed in relief, and followed the yellow mare into the hospital. I returned to the library, finding a very grumpy Twilight that didn’t look like she had moved since she had snorted at me.
“And I thought he was grumpy” I said, trying to break the grumpy frown.
“Oh, I’m not grumpy anymore” Twilight said, though not from her body. Or at least not the one I was looking at.
I looked past one Twilight to see another, who was reading on a couch.
“Should I even ask?” I asked, gesturing at the faux Twilight.
“Just a prop for fun.”
I poked the fake, who proceeded to fall rigidly onto the floor.
“Well” I said, tearing my eyes off the perfect replica of the perfect mare. “What was it you wanted to tell me?”
“About our souls. I attempted to, and I could feel myself dissolving. I figured I’d let you know, since maybe you know something about this” she said, adding a cautious inquisitive tone to the last bit.
“How did you ever guess?” I asked, flopping down on a couch.
“You’re the Warden of an omniscient being who constantly whispering in your ear.”
I chuckled. “This time, this was not due entirely to Him. I theorized on this, and he only confirmed it. The four elements, Earth, Air, Fire, and Water, bind the souls of the dearly departed to the planet. Of course, big scale industry chases the elements away, and they were all but nonexistent on our planet. Here, however, they had a strong influence, but when the Tratchy came, they fled, meaning our souls have nothing binding us here, and when our soul is removed from our body, we will dissolve into nothingness.”
She looked at me, a little shocked. “So death is permanent now?”
I chuckled. “There’s always necromancy.”
“That’s one field that magic doesn’t cover.”
“Well, my talent is change, and I think I’m going to do just that.”
“I’m not going to let you do that.”
“Why not?”
“Because, it’s not a limit, since magic is limitless, but a boundary. Some ponies got tired of seeing their departed loved ones again, and had necromancy banned.”
“Rules are only suggestions” I said, waving a hand at her.
“Until they’re enforced” she said, an edge on her voice.
“Alright, enforcer. I won’t. Wouldn’t want to tussle with the most powerful magic user in Equestria.”
“Please, you have that title.”
I gave her a questioning look, and she sighed.
“I guess I have to explain the fundamentals of magic to you now. Magic power is measured in watts, and is directly equivalent to how much you can lift with your magic. I can lift a maximum of nine hundred pounds, which means I can put out nine hundred watts. You, however, cast the advanced version of the transformation spell, meaning you can put out at least a thousand. Then, later, you cast the same spell without any exhaustion, meaning you can put out at least twelve hundred.”
“How can we test this?”
“There’s a magic assessment room nearby. Follow me.”
“Gladly” I whispered to myself, since I liked what I was following.
We came to a small room with a small cube in the center on a pedestal. Twilight immediately ascended the stairs to the balcony, manning the controls there.
“This doesn’t look that heavy” I said, poking the cube, which was no bigger than a cubic inch.
“That’s because it isn’t” she said, flipping a switch. “Yet.”
The pedestal hummed, and the cube glowed.
“Alright” she called from the balcony. “I’m setting it to twelve hundred. Try and lift it.”
I did lift it, quite easily. She ramped it up, though. Thirteen hundred wasn’t bad. Fourteen was a minor workout. Fifteen was about what I would ‘bench’ at, but I found that two thousand was my absolute maximum. When she saw that I was doing everything in my power to keep the cube aloft, she quickly powered the machine down, allowing me to drop it.
“Two thousand watts” she said, whistling. “Not bad, considering the only ponies to trump that were Starswirl and the crazies.”
“How many watts did Starswirl put out?”
“Three thousand.”
“Damn. That is a lot. So, why am I able to lift so much?”
“Well, you’re insane, right?”
“Right.”
“Well, insanity lends power to the mind, and the mind lends power to magic, so, the crazier you are, the more powerful.”
“Is that why they lock the crazies up?”
“Yeah. The absolutely insane ones can put out over twenty five hundred. I’ve even seen earth ponies and pegasi cast magic.”
“Wow. So, was Starswirl crazy?”
“No, he was just born with it. And the beard.”
I chuckled. “What if the beard is his source of power?”
“That’d be pretty strange” she said, chuckling. “But, that’s not the way magic works.”
“Alright. So, what does all this wattage mean?”
“Well, if you look on spell scrolls, there is a wattage requirement. You need to be able to put out that much wattage in order to cast that spell. Sometimes there is a second, like on the transformation spell, which is an advanced form.”
“Cool. So, what can I not cast?”
“Starswirl’s best spells.”
“Darn, so I can’t be totally amazing.”
“You’re amazing enough” she said, giving me a friendly punch in the arm.
“Yeah” I said, idly rubbing the punched spot, though it didn’t hurt. “So, where do the terms watt and wattage come from?”
“You should know. They come from your world.”
“How?”
“The princesses kept watch on all intelligent life. They duplicated what technology they could, though leaving the worst alone.”
“If they left the worst alone, that means there’s something worse than a nuclear bomb, isn’t there?”
She sighed. “Yes. Your kind was steeped in the ways of war, but many other races were far more destructive.”
“Well, I’m glad they let that be.”
“Me too. I’d honestly have preferred that they left guns and bombs alone, too, but I suppose the wars we’ve fought over the years probably wouldn’t have gone so well.”
“Well, that’s what they were designed to do; win wars.”
She sighed. “Still, it’s disturbing that the princesses would resort to such measures.”
“Yeah. Well, I need to talk to Ace, so I’ll leave you to your glum contemplations and talk to you later.”
“Alright” she said, smiling slightly.
I sought out Ace, who was in the training yard.
“Hey, Ace! There’s a new pony in town.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. He’s like us, from Earth. And he’s an alicorn, like us.”
“I’m not an alicorn.”
“Yes you are. You just have to move around that mane.”
He did, and uncovered his horn.
“When did that get there?”
“About the time my wings did” I said, flaring them.
“This some sort of something to do with destiny, doesn’t it?”
“Yeah. Supposedly the humans are supposed to rule Equestria, but only as alicorns, so when a new leader steps up, we’re given our true form, either to reclaim the throne or sit alongside he who is already there.”
“I’ve no desire for a throne or a crown.”
“Same here. Anyways, just thought I’d let you know.”
I was about to take off, but he called me back down. “How do I know what kind of magic I can cast?”
I grinned sadistically. “I thought you’d never ask. Follow me.”
He gulped audibly, but followed me nonetheless. I took him to the testing room. I switched on the machine, and set it to only one hundred pounds.
“Alright, try and lift it.”
He did, adhering to my prior instructions on levitation. I cranked it up to five hundred, which he lifted with some difficulty. At about six hundred fifty pounds, he could go no further.
“Well, you can lift six hundred and fifty pounds, so you can put out six hundred and fifty watts. If you look on scrolls, you’ll see the wattage requirement. Anything over six fifty, you can’t cast.”
“That’s pretty simple. And this wasn’t even that bad, so why did you grin like that?”
“It’s not every day I get to watch you struggle.”
“May you never again” he said, followed by his stomach rumbling.
“You wanna go get something?”
“Would I ever say no to that?”
“Maybe if eating caused you great pain.”
He rolled his eyes. “You’re always looking for loopholes.”
We joked all the way to the dining hall, where we were greeted by the talk of a good thousand ponies, though mostly female, and the smell of Spike’s cooking.
The rat bastard who inspired me to start this has betrayed me, so I can't bear to see any scrap of him left tainting me, so I'm deleting this. I was going to finish it, was getting fairly close, but that's all for naught. I'll leave this message up for a week so you can know what happened.