Chapters A deal with the devil... I think
I am going to make this very clear before I even begin my story; I don’t want your pity. I’m not trying to make you feel bad for me, I’m just stating the facts. Now that that’s out of way, onto the story. I was always a very…. Awkward child. Never knew what to say, how to act or feel. Eventually I tried how to fake certain ways of life to fit in with certain people, from the gritty street rats to the more high class people I knew. It didn’t really work all that well, and ended with me getting my ass beat several times more than usual. Eventually, though, it got to the point where I didn’t know who I really was anymore. Was I some hardcore gang banger, who had no regard for human life, or was I a gentleman, suave and classy? I didn’t know, nor did anyone else. And that’s why I found myself in the predicament I did at the beginning of our tale. I couldn’t take it anymore. I tried just being myself, like everyone had always told me was the only way to get real friends, but I didn’t know who I was. All I knew was a name, which I cursed from the moment I got up to the moment I went to bed, simply because it was my own, and a face, which I would look at every day in the mirror, unable to believe it was me. I couldn’t relate to the face in the mirror. I would see a sixteen year old boy, tired, beaten and dejected, but I felt like I was one of those old men you see in those commercials for that stuff that gets rid of grey hair, with an added dose of depression and lack of purpose. For a while, I found hope and happiness in the cartoon series My little pony: Friendship is magic, but after a while, it was like everything else. I had nothing better to do with my time since I had been expelled, so I had fallen into a routine. Wake up, eat, ponies and music, eat, video games, ponies and music, eat, more ponies, sleep. At this point, nothing brought me joy anymore, so I took the anti-depressants I had recently been prescribed, which ironically had a side effect of severe depression and suicidal thoughts or tendencies, put on my best three piece suit and fedora, cause no suit’s complete without a fedora, grabbed my pocket knife, phone, not sure why though, my i-pod, and my ear-buds, and sat down on the edge of my bed. I put the blade to my left wrist, then hesitated. “Come on, you can do it. All you have to do is press and slide.” whispered the voice in the back of my head I had taken to calling Rage. He’ll be explained later, along with his twin Reason. Anyway, I followed his advice. I knew I could do it, and that I had to. I hadn’t gone through all this trouble for nothing, so I turned on my i-pod, playing “Hard way” by Fort Minor and putting the blade back in it‘s original position. I took a deep breath as I slid the blade across my wrist, and felt a brief twang of pain and guilt. The guilt faded before I could figure out where it came from, and the pain was soon drowned out by adrenaline and the realization of what I had just done. I watched as the blood stained the cuffs of my white suit shirt red. “Not turning back now, is there old friend? Come on, do the other one while you can, it’ll go faster.” came the voice of Rage again. And so I did. As soon as the second laceration was made, the knife fell from my hand onto the floor of my bedroom, as my tendons had finally given out. I began to panic as I felt the cold embrace of death.
“Oh shit…. Oh shit… why’d I do this?” I said as my vision began to blur.
“Because you know better then anyone that it’s never better tomorrow.” said Rage. I could hear Reason in the deepest recesses of my mind, sobbing. I knew I couldn’t stop myself from bleeding out, so I simply laid down on my bed, and let the sweet, sweet void of death slowly envelope me in it’s cold, loving embrace. I heard my door open and my mother gasp and scream as I drew my last breath. The sound of my heart beat was a strangely haunting melody. bum bum…. Bum bum… bum.. Bum.. Bum bum…bum….bum….bum…..bum.
“Well, well, well. It seems you finally took the plunge.” said a voice. It didn’t sound like a man’s, but it didn’t sound feminine either.
“Who are you?” I yelled into the darkness that surrounded me. I heard whoever it was laugh.
“Who I am is of no importance. All that matters is that I have a proposition for you, that I believe you will want to hear.” I had a bad feeling about it, but, being the pillar of common sense I am, decided to hear it out.
“Alright, I’m listening.”
“Well, I have been following your life for a while now, and I know what you want most. You want to live in the land of Equestria, and I can send you there, but in return-”
“Done.” I said, cutting it off.
“Don’t you even want to hear what I want? For all you know, I could be requesting your soul!” it said, causing me to laugh.
“Bro, you underestimate what I’d give to live in Equestria.”
“Well then… just sign on the dotted line.” said the voice. I was confused as hell for a moment, considering I was kinda dead, and surrounded by what I imagined the inside of a black hole looked like. But, a contract and a pen appeared out of nowhere(and I know it was a contract, because it said “CONTRACT” at the top. How original.). I took the pen, and signed where I was instructed without even reading the terms.
“That’s it? No blood pact, no “accidentally” cutting my finger for said blood pact? Just… sign a piece of paper?” I said. “Honestly, I’m a little disappointed.” the contract disappeared, and the voice came again.
“Well, I would but…. Wow, your handwriting sucks! Oh, sorry, as I was saying, I would do the whole blood pact thing, but I find just signing the paper far simpler, wouldn’t you agree?” it said, and we shared a laugh. “well off you go! Give the elements of harmony my regards….” I was confused as to why the voice would want that, but I didn’t have much time to think about it, as I felt myself being dragged away, and saw traces of light. Eventually I felt a throbbing pain in my chest, and could hear my heartbeat. I could smell burning candle wicks, and could hear a voice, but I really couldn’t make out what it was saying. ‘I swear to god, if I’m where I think I am….’ I thought to myself. Then I realized that I still had yet to breathe. I should probably do that, ya know, oxygen and all that happy stuff. I bolted upright, breathing the best breath of my life, and opening my eyes at the same time. In front of me was a very shocked Twilight Sparkle, which to be honest, was almost as adorable as Fluttershy with a juice box. I know, hard to believe, but trust me on this one.
“Well, and here I thought I just sold my soul for nothing.” I said with a sheepish laugh and a slight grin, putting two fingers to the vein on my neck. Sure enough, I felt the vein throb every now and again. I checked my wrists. Scabbed over, and still weeping slightly, but lethally cut like they were earlier. Then Twilight tried to look at them, and I quickly hid them back in my sleeve.
“Well, I’ll ask about your comment later, Christian. Right now introductions, I’m-”
“I know who you are, Twilight.” I said, cutting her off. “Right now, I’m more curious as to how you know who I am.” she looked at me with the most “D’aawww” worthy shocked expression I have ever seen, almost making me regret how I assumed I got there. Almost, but not quite.
“I could ask the same of you.” she said, looking highly uneasy. I laughed.
“I asked first.”
“If I tell you, will you tell me?” she asked. I was worried that if it old her she was a character in a children’s cartoon watched by teenagers and grown men, her head might implode from the defiance of all logic she knew.
“Screw it. Shoot.” I said. When committing suicide earns you ponies, you tend to be a bit more optimistic then usual.
“Alright then, umm, how do I put this….. You and your friends are characters in a cartoon made for foals that is watched by teenagers and grown mares, such as myself. It’s a bit of guilty pleasure.” she said with a sheepish smile. I was highly confused at this point. My life had sucked, not as bad as that of some others, but still, not exactly something you’d want kids to see. And I called her out on that.
“Wait a minute…my life…. Is a cartoon made for young children….. What kind of fucked up shit do ponies let their kids watch?” I asked, earning a confused look from Twilight.
“Well, it teaches them moral values, and lessons about friendship, as well giving being highly comical.” she said, which I found very amusing.
“Look, if that’s what the show is, then either you’ve got the wrong guy, or ponies have a sick and twisted sense of humor, friendship, and moral values.”
“Are you Christian Fleury?”
“Why yes I am. Which one did you want, Christian the nerd, Christian the gentleman, Christian the asshole, Christian the street rat, or Christian, the socially awkward teenager who locks himself in his room and doesn’t talk to anyone for days on end?” I asked, and I was being dead honest. Each one was a completely different person, just with the same face and name. completely different attitude.
“Well which one am I talking to right now?” she asked, giving me this look that told me she thought I was crazy.
“right now your talking to the socially awkward one, who secretly watches shows designed for small children. Speaking of which, you’re a character in said cartoon. Congratulations, you are, by high vote, best pony.” I said, causing her to look more confused than I was moments ago. ‘Please, for the love of god, don’t implode’ I thought to myself. She didn’t, so that was good.
“Wait…. So basically, we are both defying all known logic in our respective realities, at the same time?” she asked, to which I nodded.
“Yeah, pretty much. In fact, I’m defying all logic in both our respective realities just by living right now. Go figure.” I said getting to my feet. Despite popular theory, ponies are actually pretty tall. I’m about five foot eight and Twilight was just above my elbow. Speaking of which, she was still looking at me confusedly. What can I say? I’m a confusing guy.
“And I have a very large fan base in your world?”
“Yep. Out of curiosity, how big is my fan base? I’ve never had fans before.”
“Well, according to a survey I conducted, yours is the second largest. Most ponies are able to relate to you, no matter what background they’re from. Which is part of the reason I brought you here.” I would have mentioned that I signed a contract with who I assumed was Satan to get here, but I figured I’d let her have her moment.
“well one of my friends is also a big fan of My little person: Friendship is science, and more specifically you. Her birthday is coming up, so I figured what better gift than a chance to talk with the person she adores the most?”
“Can’t really argue with your logic on that one. So who is it?” I asked. ‘I swear to god if it’s-’
“Do you know who Rarity is?”
‘fuck my life’. I thought to myself. I didn’t really like Rarity. She was to fancy for me, and seemed a bit narcissistic at times. Her standards are WAY to high, either way. “Yeah. I do. Excuse me while I go find some rope.” I said jokingly.
“What would you need rope for?” she asked, causing me to sigh heavily.
“Well first off, I was joking. Second off, if I actually was getting rope, it would be so I could hang myself before I had to deal with her.” I said, earning me a stern look that said ’you’re going to deal with her, and you’re going to like it’ “Nothing personal against her. She’s just really not the kind of person I get along with very well.”
“Why not? You and her seem to have similar interests.”
“How so?”
“Well most people, or ponies for that matter, don’t walk around in suits and fedoras. it’s a nice combination, by the way.”
“Thank you. And I was actually wearing this for a very specific reason.” I said, now realizing that odds were she was going ask what that reason was.
“Damn it Christian, you fucked up big time. Better go find that rope.”
‘shut up, rage.’
“And what reason was that?” she asked. I had to think fast, which was admittedly not a specialty of mine.
“a, uh, funeral, actually.” I said. I technically wasn’t lying, either. I always told myself that if I met a pony, I would be honest with them…. It was a straining thing, considering I lied to most people.
“Oh, I’m sorry for your loss.” she said sadly. I simply nodded, trying not to look to nervous.
“Thanks. Anyway, so, what’s the plan? I jump out of a box, and me and her basically play a game of 20 questions?” I asked with a slight smile. Smiling wasn’t something I did often, but at that time I had something to smile about. The fact that I was in Equestria, talking to my second favorite pony, arranging how I was going to meet a member of the mane six, which would probably lead to meeting all of them. Thank god for the domino effect, eh?
“What? No. well, you will be in a box. You don’t have a problem with that do you?”
“No, not really.”
“good, well when she opens the box, you, for lack of a better phrase, jump out, and then you spend the day with her, then meet me back here when your done. Does that sound like a good plan?” she asked looking at me. I sighed.
“Well, while I would rather be a birthday present to just about anypony else, I guess beggars can’t be choosers. When and where?” I asked reluctantly. Why couldn’t I be Applejacks birthday present? Or Rainbow Dashes?
“Right here, tomorrow morning. I really appreciate you helping me with this, this is sure to be her best birthday ever.” she said with a broad smile.
“Well it’s not like I had any plans for the next month.” I said with a laugh. Also completely true, even if I was still alive in our world. I’m a very unproductive person.
“Why not? Wouldn’t you want to hang out with all your friends?” she asked me, a quizzical expression on her face. Damn the fact that she can make any expression look like she‘s staring into your soul…...
“Not really. Me and my friends have kinda… drifted apart. We don’t hang out as much anymore.” I said sadly. I actually hadn’t seen any of my friends in almost two months. And I really didn’t miss them either.
“That’s so sad! Why wouldn’t you guys hang out as much? You were like me and my friends.” she said, looking very sad all of a sudden. Damn that look. Damn it straight to hell. I will be haunted forever by the face of sad Twilight.
“Well, it’s really just me as far as I know. I didn’t go to public school anymore, so it was harder to hang out with them. Eventually I just kinda became anti-social, separated myself from the rest of the world as best I could. I felt that I didn’t really need friends, because the closer you are to someone, the more it hurts when they stab you in the back. In essence, I gave up. I gave up on friends, I gave up on family, I gave up on love. That’s my sob story.” I said, causing her to look even sadder. ‘someone gouge my eyes out! I can’t this much sad!’ I thought to myself. “But don’t you worry bout me. I’m fine, really.” I said, trying to cheer her up, and failing.
“it’s just so sad, how a group of really close friends can end up spilt apart like that. Are you sure you’re alright?” she asked. She reminded me of how a mother is supposed to be at this point.
“yeah I’m fine. And I also just had an idea…” I said, grinning like a maniac.
“I’m not going to like this, am I?” she said looking worried.
“That depends…….” I said as I smiled and pulled Twilight close, and we began to plot an evil plot. One with lots ponies in it. And unicorns…… that doesn’t sound very evil, does it?
An... Interesting show indeed....
“And you’re sure this will work?” I asked Twilight. We had made an excellent plan last night, but some the things she came up with concerned me. Like this spell to let me walk right through a set of curtains without parting them. Yeah. I don’t know about you, but that kinda shit worries me.
“Yes, for the one hundredth time, it will work. You won’t be stuck as part of the curtain. Do you always worry this much?” she asked me. This, coming from the one who was worried about almost everything I said yesterday. I don’t know if that’s irony or not, but I’m going to call it irony anyway. Deal with it. Anyway, we were currently at sugercube corner, which Pinkie had somehow turned into a concert hall. Crazy shit man, crazy shit. The plan was to have a few of the well known artists from Equestria do their shows, and then have me go out there as a mystery guest. Her idea, not mine. I can sing pretty decent, but I’m not great. I was nervous as all hell, with every right to be. Here I was, a human in a suit, about to sing a rap song about getting stoned to a bunch of ponies. Not that Twilight knew the song was about getting stoned. I left that detail out. “Now, you’re on next. Wait for the DJ to call you, then just walk on out there and do your thing, alright?”
“Yeah. Yeah, I got this.” I said as she walked away to go rejoin the party. Which wasn’t entirely true, as I had a bad feeling that today was going to go straight to hell in a hand basket. And I was right.
“Well now, it’s so good to see you again Christian! How are you?” said a voice from behind me. Now, go ahead and call me behind the times, but I haven’t been able to watch any episodes in season two. Never found the time. However, I have seen enough PMV’s and other things to know who it was when I turned around.
“Discord?! What the hell, I thought the elements of harmony sealed you in stone… again!” I said. I wasn’t able to comprehend what exactly was going on.
“And they did. You should have read the contract, my boy. Maybe you wouldn’t have signed it.” he said, laughing like a damn maniac. I had a real damn bad feeling about what was going to happen next, as he brought out said contract. “Upon signing this document, you agree that I, Discord, Have been imprisoned for an adequate amount of time, and hereby free me from my stone prison, etcetera, etcetera, I also relinquish my rights to my humanity at least once a month, under the full moon.” I almost shit my pants at that last part. The fact that I released Discord made me feel like shit, but the fact that I had to fear the full moon to? Damn it.
:So…. Let me get this straight…. By signing that contract… I freed you…. And I’m now-”
“A werewolf, yes indeed my friend. I suppose I should thank you. Without you, I wouldn’t have this second chance to achieve my revenge.” he said, smiling at me.
“Well everypony, it seems we have ourselves a mystery guest, so why don’t you all give him a big hoof!” came the DJ’s voice.
“…….SSSSHHHHHIIIIIIIITTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!” I yelled at the top of my lungs.
“Well, I’ll see you after the show. For now, I find it best that I disappear for a moment.” he said, disappearing in a puff of smoke. I find now to be a reasonable time to explain Rage and Reason. They are, for lack of a better metaphor, me, if the other was absent. Rage is my violent side, who really doesn’t care about anything. Yells insults at random people(in my head of course.), tells me to stop being a pussy and fuck some bitches up, stuff like that. In essence, he’s just an asshole. Reason, on the other hand, usually keeps to himself. If Rage was non-existent, I would tend to seclude myself… a lot more then usual. I would try to talk my way out of situations and never really think badly of people. In essence, he’s a pussy. But in combination, I have balance. Right now, Rage was crying on Reasons shoulder. Yeah. that’s how bad this was. But, I still had a concert to perform, and I wasn’t going to let this stop me. I made a promise to second best pony, and I aimed to keep it. I walked through the curtains to audible gasps, fan girl squeals, and sounds of confusion. I instantly spotted Rarity in the front row, and kneeled down to talk to her.
“So Rarity, how’s the party so far?” I asked her. She didn’t answer, though, as she instantly fainted. “Well, I have a better chance with the mares than with the ladies. That’s fucked up.” I whispered to myself before getting back up and taking the mic. “SO HOWS EVERYPONY DOING TONIGHT!?” I asked the crowd, which replied with cheers. I began sweating. It wasn’t that warm in there when I had walked in. I started dabbing my sleeve at my forehead.
“Y-Yeah… I’m fine.” I said, which was a complete lie. I was sweating bullets, and he could tell.
“Hey, maybe you should sit down for a minute, you look miserable.” he said. He was really starting to get on my nerves for some reason.
“I said, I’m fine.” I said through gritted teeth. Why was I so pissed off? Seriously, he was just trying to help me, and here I was being a dick. It didn’t make sense.
“Alright dude, you need to relax for a minute, come on.” he said, putting a hoof on my shoulder. What I did next is something I would normally never do, even if I was stoned out of my mind. I picked him up. By his throat. I don’t even know what exactly happened, but next thing I knew, I had him by the throat and the audience was panicking.
“DON’T YOU EVER FUCKING TOUCH ME!” I yelled. In fact, I’m not sure it was me, because it sounded like some kind of demon. No lie. But, after I yelled in the poor guys face, I threw him across the room, leaving a good sized dent in the opposite wall. All I could do was look at my hands, wondering when the hell I got so strong and why the hell I just did that.
“One thing I may have… forgotten to mention, my dear boy.” came the voice of Discord again. Which was just what I needed. He appeared right next to me and threw and arm around my shoulder, facing the crowd. “Before I explain what I didn’t mention to my associate here, I am going to publicly thank him. ‘For what?’ you may ask, and I’ll tell you what.” he said, patting my shoulder. I wanted to punch him in the gut as hard as I could, but for some reason I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I simply stood there, growling. “He freed me, of his own free will!” this brought a shocked look to everypony’s face. Including Rarities. Especially hers. Wait, when did she get back up? I don’t know, but now she was staring daggers at me. It wasn’t comfortable. “And in return, I gave him back his life. ‘how did he lose it?’ you ask? Well, he didn’t! He took it himself!” was he going to reveal all my secrets? I mean really, I don’t see how that was relevant. “But…. Not his whole life. On nights like this one, when the moon is full….” he trailed off, gesturing to me. I was shaking like a crack addict going through withdraw. I was growing fur, and my legs were growing longer and skinnier. My arms were to. I wasn’t paying much attention beyond that because it hurt like a cast iron bitch, and I was whimpering. Yes, whimpering. All I know, is that by the time I was done changing, the mane six were already there to whoop my ass. Or try to anyway. They just kinda stood around me, waiting to see what I would do. Then, some random pony stepped on my tail, and the last thing I remember is spilling their guts on the floor and ripping the meat from their bones. I might’ve howled to, not entirely sure.
The aftermath of the full moon.
When I woke back up, saying I felt like I’d been hit with a freight train would’ve been an understatement. I felt like Optimus Prime had just taken said freight train and beaten me with it. Yeah. It sucked. Combine that with the fact that I was naked, tied to a bed, and Rainbow Dash was pushing on my knee, which I guessed was broken from the fact that I screamed like little girl. Yeah. And you think your Mondays are bad. “What the fuck!?” I yelled at the top of my lungs, tears forming in my eyes. Yeah, I cried. You would’ve to. “Where am I? WHY THE HELL AM I NAKED!?” yeah… I definitely have my priorities straight.
“You shut the hay up, punk! I’m the one asking questions here!” she said, applying more pressure.
“OH SWEET BABY FUCKING JESUS! What the hell do you wanna know? I’ll tell you anything, just please, not again, I have a very low pain threshold!” I said, which was true. She looked at me in disgust. It killed me inside.
“Why’d you do it?”
“Do what? You have to be a bit more specific.” I said. She must’ve realized that I was right, cuz my knee was safe from harm.
“Why’d you free Discord?” oh… that.
“Shit…. Well.. This might take a while…. So long story short, I knew of your worlds existence, and under certain circumstances, was offered a deal for me to live here, all I had to do was sign a paper. I didn’t listen to the terms of the contract cuz I just figured he wanted my soul…. Which is something I can live without. Hell, I didn‘t even know it was him.” I explained, causing her to back up a bit.
“Oh……. Well that’s…… confusing…. But how do I know you’re telling the truth!?” she asked, getting all up in my grill. Yeah, I went there.
“Well, for one, if I’d known I would be turned into a blood thirsty beast every full moon, I wouldn’t have signed the contract. Two, had I known it was Discord, and signing the contract would free him, I would’ve just let myself go to hell. Other than that, you have no reason to.” I said, hoping it was enough to persuade her of my innocence. Which it was… kinda.
“Alright…. I don’t trust you, but I believe your story… for now. I’m watching you.” she said, undoing my restraints.
“I’m okay with that. I would be more okay with that if I had clothes on.” I said jokingly as I got up. I winced as my leg hit the floor. Yep definitely broken.
“Well your clothes were kinda shredded when you changed. you might want to take a shower though.” she said, taking one look at me and grimacing. I looked down to see my whole body covered in blood. I turned away from her and puked my damn guts out. Human death? I’m fine with. Animal death? I’ll most likely feel bad or cry. Pony death? Current example. I was crying and puking at the same time, and it sucked.
“What the hell did I do….” I wondered out loud when I was done.
“You ate a good portion of Ponyville!” came the voice of Twilight from behind me. “Rainbow, I thought I told you to keep him restrained until further notice!”
“But-”
“No buts! He’s dangerous, and he’s evil, and he’s-”
“Standing right here, thank you very much. I already feel like shit knowing Discord is free because of me. I don’t need you guilt tripping me Twilight. If anything, I think it’s best if you just send me home….” I said. I really felt like shit at this point. I knew that the odds were that going home would mean going straight to hell, but hey, at this point, I deserved it.
“Not until you help us clean this mess up!” she said, jabbing me with her horn.
“You weren’t listening to his speech, were you? If you send me home, odds are, I’ll be dead again. And I’m sure I’m the last person you want to see alive.” I said, and I had assumed that at least one of them had been listening to Discords little speech beyond the whole ‘he freed me, and I owed him one’ thing. I was wrong.
“Again?” Rainbow Dash asked. Why…. Oh dear god why…. I decided to just flash my wrists to them.
“Yeah. Again. Now, before you go off on a rant about who did this, and why, I did it, because my world sucks.” I said. The looked at me, looking really depressed. Depressed ponies make me depressed. Then Twilight spoke up again.
“You should still help us. Especially after all you’ve done.” and she had a point. Not a point I would accept from most people. But she was a pony.
“I’ll try to help… but I don’t know what good I’ll do.” I said. Usually, I was completely useless, but apparently, they had other plans.
“Well, after last night, I did some research on werewolves. It turns out, that even when not under the full moon, they still possess remarkable strength and speed.” she said. I almost cried.
“So…. You’re telling me I could have just freed myself through sheer brute force?” which would have been pretty bad ass, not gonna lie.
“If ya had, ah woulda had tah put ya down.” came the familiar voice of best pony. Let the hate mail be sent. It was worth it. I turned around to see Applejack. But not the usual, happy, completely fine Applejack I’m used to seeing. She was cut up pretty damn bad, and had bandages around her legs, gut, and neck. I almost puked again.
“Did… did I do that?” I was shaking now. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I almost killed my favorite pony. Or any pony known by the fandom, for that matter.
“Yeah. Ya did.” she said, glaring at me like she was about to fucking end me.
“Shit, I am so, so sorry Applejack.. For what it’s worth, anyways.” I said, turning back to Twilight and Rainbow. that’s when I noticed that Rainbow was pretty cut up to. Not as much as Applejack, but enough to catch my attention.
“Yeah, you got me to.” she said, noticing me looking at her wounds. Ddaaaammmmmnnnnnnnn iiiiitttttt!!!!! Why did I have to sign that damn contract? Sorry, just had to get that out. Better now. Moving on.
“Shit…… I feel like such a dumb ass… I shouldn’t have signed-”
“Signed what?” asked Applejack, who obviously wasn’t here for that discussion. I explained it all again. And again for the rest of the mane six. Yeah. And they decided to come in one at a time to, so I explained my situation a total of five times. Six, if you count the fact that Pinkie went to go get popcorn halfway through the last one, and had me start all over again. But, I was happy I hadn’t done any horrible damage to any of them. Fluttershy tried to pet me, which was oddly soothing. Wonder why…..
“So yeah. Then last night happened, and here I am. Now, can I please have some clothes? You have no idea how awkward this has been for me.” I said, much to Rarity’s delight.
“Oh, why dahling, why didn’t you say something earlier? You simply must come with me, I’ll get your measurements and get you into a nice suit!” I almost cried at the prospect of wearing another suit, but decided to just let her do her thing.
“Whatever. One thing though, I don’t want to wake up naked once a month, so if there’s anything you can do about-” I was cut off before I could say anything more.
“Why of course my dear, I’ll be sure to enchant it. That way, it wont tear when you change! Rarity, you are a genius!” and that’s when the HIGHLY unexpected happened. We were cut off. By Princess. Fucking. Luna. That’s right. We were cut off by the princess of the very thing I had to avoid at this point. And not the Nightmare night one either. She still looked like she had just been saved from being Nightmare Moon.
“I believe that he’ll need a suit…… of armor, that is.” she said, laughing at her little joke. I wasn’t amused at all though. I’m a huge fan of Luna and all, but that was just cruel. Either way though, I felt a strong temptation to kneel. Fought that off with some success. Instead, I sounded like a complete dickwad. Not sure which would have been worse.
“Care to explain why I’ll need armor, Princess? Cuz last I checked, a werewolf in armor is the last thing anyone wants to face…. Down…” I trailed off, realizing where she was going with this. “what kind of armor?”
“The heavy kind that makes you nigh indestructible.” she said with a smile. Which made me smile. Rarity, on the other hand, wasn’t smiling.
“But.. But.. But.. I already had his suit planned ooouuuut!” she said, making a very sad face. So many sad ponies. It was killing me inside.
“I’m sure you did, Miss Rarity, but he needs something more fit for battle, don’t you think? Considering the fact that Discords armies are gathering, and nopony who is still sane is really fit for war.” she said, now becoming dead serious. Serious Luna is scary Luna…. Very scary. But sad Rarity was killing me.
“Hey, you go ahead and make that suit. I’ll wear it when this is over, alright?” I said, causing her to let out the largest fan girl squeal I had ever heard before she bolted off.
“I see the show didn’t get everything wrong.” said Luna, her horn lighting up to heal my leg. Great. Another fan girl. And another discussion about the realities of our world. Awesome.
“Even a broken clock is right twice a day.” I said. I know, it was cliché, but it fit. Deal with it. “In all honesty, it wouldn’t surprise me if this show had me half right. Now, lets go get me this armor. I think I’ll need a sword and a shield to, if that’s not to much to ask for.” I said with a smile. I’d always wanted a sword.
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the first casualty of war...... and some breaking the fourth wall
As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I heard a collective gasp. Yep. A collective one. Everypony(who was still awake) gasped. At the same time. How does shit like that happen? I don’t know, but it did. “Now, don’t get me wrong, there are good people in my world, people who give to the poor, people who help without a second thought, and try to see the good in everyone. These people, however, are a dieing breed, and usually end up as the victims of robberies and other crimes, simply because of their nature. I tried to be one of those people once, and it didn’t really work out all to well. I ended up with a few years worth of bloody noses, split lips, and missing teeth, while the system just sat back and watched, like it was a UFC match. After that, I changed into what I thought would get people to leave me alone. It did, but not in the way I was hoping for. I ended up with only a few friends, and everyone else thinking I was completely insane, just because I didn’t care about anything anymore. The thing about humanity….. You can’t really describe us as a whole. You can’t say “Humans are completely insane.” because not all of us are. You can’t say “Humans are kind, caring, peaceful creatures.” because most of us aren’t. All you can do is look at the human world, and make your own assumptions. Sorry, I get really philosophical sometimes. Anyone else hungry?” I said, standing up and looking around for food. Everypony seemed dumbfounded, and even sober. I guess my rants have that effect on people… or ponies in this case. Then Pinkie(of course.) Broke the awkward silence.
“I AM!” she said, pulling a tray of cupcakes out of nowhere. It’s Pinkie, so I’m not asking any questions, and neither should you.
“Where’d you get the cupcakes Pinkie?” Twilight asked.
“I’m gonna take a random guess, and say you got them from beyond the fourth wall. Am I right?” I said, causing everypony to look at me like I was crazy. Again. Except Pinkie.
“How’d you know? Are you a psychic? You know what Christian? You need to give me better lines. And stop making me break the fourth wall, because if I keep breaking the fourth wall, all of this reality will collapse around us, and you’ll have to start this story again from scratch, which would be a major pain in the flank, especially for me, cause then I’d have to repeat everything I just said all over again ]!! And that just wouldn-” shut up Pinkie, please. “Ok!” thank you…. Wait a minute….
“Uh, Pinkie? Jus’ what the hay’re ya talkin’ bout?” asked Applejack. Time for an epic fourth wall explanation evasion maneuver.
“Don’t ask…. It will only end in major confusion and rants about the fourth wall. And tears. Most likely mine.” I explained.
“Ya know what? Ah don’t wanna know anymore.” YES! Maneuver successful. “w-” I swear to Celestia Pinkie, if you break the fourth wall again, I’m writing you out of this story……. Good. Now, where was I? oh yeah.
“To answer you’re question Pinkie, no I’m not. I just read a lot of fan fiction, including ones where you break the fourth wall.”
“Psshhh, I don’t break it! That would be mean! I go through it!” she said, suddenly appearing behind me. I nearly pissed myself. If Pinkie was behind you, you would to. Unless you’re one of those bronies. You know who you are.
“JEsus Christ, Pinkie! Don’t do that!” I yelled, scared shitless(metaphorically, of course.). And then, to make matters worse, somepony picked that moment to burst through the door on the other side of the room(Wait… there was a door there?) snatch up the unconscious Rarity, and make a bolt for the other door. The one behind me. Needless to say, I bitch smacked the shit out of them. They fell to the ground, Rarity rolling a bit away(still out cold…… I’m starting to think she died of alcohol poisoning), but the attempted… foalnapper? I guess that would be the term. Anyway, the attempted foalnapper landed right on his plot, right in front of me, looking scared, as if he had just read cupcakes….. With Pinkie standing over his shoulder…. Yeah. That scared. He was a black unicorn, with a white tail and rainbow mane… how the fuck does that happen? Seriously?
“Who are you?” he asked me. I laughed a deep, evil sounding laugh, just to scare the shit out of him. I found this to be the perfect time to use an epic quote from one of my favorite bands.
“I am the shadow…. And the smoke, in your eyes…. I am the ghost…. That hides in the night….” I said, his face looking more and more like a kid who was just told that everyone he knew would die someday with every sentence.
“R-Really?” he asked. I almost pissed myself laughing.
“Fuck no! I am the guy who’s going to bash your head in if you don’t tell me what the fuck you were just doing, though.” I said, getting serious. He wasn’t sure if I was or not though, so he tried to make a break for it. I grabbed one of his hind legs. “I don’t fuckin’ think so.” I said, dragging him back until his head was within reach. Yeah. I was actually gonna do it. I grabbed his head, and then smashed it into the ground. When I pulled it back, his face was a little flatter, and had bits of marble sticking to it. “Not gonna do that again, are ya?” I asked. I did feel bad about smashing a ponies face into the floor, but he tried to kidnap(or foalnap, whichever you prefer, I don’t really care) one of the mane six. My least favorite member of the mane six, but still a member of the mane six.
“I’ll tell you anything, just don’t kill me!” he yelled.
“Alright then. Just what the hell was the purpose of taking Rarity? For one, she’s about as useless as navi, and for two, she’s completely trashed! so unless you had certain….. Plans, I don’t see the purpose of it. In fact, even if you did, I wouldn’t see the purpose of it, why not just wait ‘till Applejack passes out, she’s shit tons cooler than Rarity. Not that I condone rape or anything, I’m just saying, why her!?” I said…. And then I realized I was in the company of: Applejack, a Rainbow Dash who was very upset with me for rejecting her, Twilight, a now conscious Rarity(though she didn’t hear a damn word I said, which is good), Pinkie, and Fluttershy. Most of which were glaring at me. Especially Rainbow Dash. I have a bad feeling I’m going to get my ass whooped later.
“We’ll be talking later.” yep, I’m getting my ass whooped. Awesome.
“Well, I-I… my name is Spectrum, a-a-a-and Discord told me that if I could get him one of the elements of harmony, any one of them, he’d let me see my fillyfriend again…. Please…… Please don’t kill me….” he said wincing back as if I was going to. I felt for him… actually, that’s a lie, I didn’t. I had no idea what it was like to have someone close to you held captive, so I couldn’t sympathize. But I knew I should help him… somehow.
“Well, I would say I know how it is, but I don’t. But I can pose a question to you….. Would you rather have your fillyfriend remember you as a stallion who would help end the world for her, or as a stallion who would stand up and spit in the face of evil, doing whatever you could to set the world right again?” I asked him. Another philosophical nugget from the Christians text book of random shit.
“I…… I don’t know…..” he said, after an awkward silence.
“Let me put it to you this way then. Would you rather her be alive, yet probably hate you for the rest of her life, or run the risk of her dieing, but know she died loving you for standing up to those who sought to force you against your own kind?” I said. This time, he answered immediately.
“I’d rather her be alive… even if she hates me, at least she’d be safe.” I sighed. I was gonna have nightmares that night.
“Then God have mercy on you, Spectrum, for you shall find none from me.” I said sadly. I was sad because he was a pony. Furthermore a pony doing what he thought was right. I couldn’t hate him for that. I grabbed him by the face yet again. “Anyone got anything sharp? I’d rather this be painless.” I was answered by the sound of breaking glass, and a broken bottle levitating over to me.
“Make him pay for trying to foalnap me.” said Rarity. She obviously holds grudges. Remind me not to piss her off, alright? Anyway, I grabbed the bottle.
“I’m sorry bro. I probably would have done the same in your shoes.” I said. And then I drove the jagged glass into his chest with all my strength. I could feel bones break and bend as my hand made contact with it. It was sickening. I know it’s a cliché….. But I could see the life just….. Fade from his eyes….. The light that had been there just…. Drain away. I’d never killed anything before then, so to have my first kill be a pony who was willing to die for his girl? I….. I need a minute……..
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Finding comfort in faith and friends..... and more ramblings.
AUOTHORS NOTE: this is just a bit of a warning, this next chapter contains some religous rants, so if any talk of religion offends you, don't continue. if it doesn't, however, feel ffree to continue. all the religious beliefs mentioned are my own, and this is how i'd react if i killed... wel, anyone.
“Bless us all, o Lord, we pray, for loved ones, here and near, and far away. And everyone for whom we pray. Keep us safe each night and day, the homeless who have no place to stay. Those who are suffering in any way. The dying, those mourning or grieving and all who need God's mercy. Keep us safe, Heavenly Father, when we are at home, or traveling on our way, or when we are vulnerable, or in danger in any way. Most merciful Father, hear us as we pray for the souls in Purgatory, or who may be sent there some day.”….. alright, first off, I took more then a minute….. It was more like a few hours. Second off, I’m not very religious, but after everything that had happened since I showed up here in Equestria, I needed something to believe in….. I needed to feel like my actions could be forgiven. At the time I was kneeling next to my bed, in a room that had been provided to me, and had traded my armor for some pajamas that Rarity had made for me. I had received plenty of lectures about killing Spectrum, but I didn’t really hear any of them… I was in too much shock at the fact that I could do such a thing.
“That was nice…. What is it?” I looked behind me to see Rainbow Dash standing there, looking at me. I turned back away.
“A lot of humans believe there’s a higher power, some all powerful, all seeing being, who guides our lives with an invisible hand. It was a prayer to that being….. I just hope he can hear me.” I said, feeling my eyes begin to tear up. For some reason, whenever I got into a discussion about faith, or god, I tear up. It’s weird.
“What’s the prayer for?” she asked, walking closer to me. I sighed.
“Forgiveness.”
“For who?”
“Myself…. And humanity as a whole. You see…. With this belief in God…. Most people also believe in heaven, a paradise where those who have lived good lives go when they die…. But if you believe in God, as the saying goes, you have to believe in the devil…. If you believe in heaven… you have to believe in hell…..” I said, trailing off a bit. I didn’t want to be some kind of missionary, preaching a faith that I was barley clinging to myself, but if she asked, I would tell her.
“Hell?” I should have seen that coming.
“It’s where people who live only for themselves go, to spend eternity burning in flames, tortured by demons. The devil is basically the pit boss down there…. I guess I’ll meet him someday. Ask him why he does what he does.” I said. I was really depressed at the time, and when I’m like that, I tend to forget myself.
“What makes you think you’re going to hell? You seem like an alright guy.” she said. At this point she was sitting right next to me.
“Well…. In life, I blamed God for all my problems. There was nothing I could do to solve them or prevent them, and I always saw god as a being who was supposed to watch over humanity, and keep us safe from ourselves. But… as I grew older, I began to believe that no God would allow the beings made in his image to destroy themselves like humanity has. I just kinda…. Stopped believing….. After a while, though.. I began to believe that god did exist… but that he saw how sick, twisted, and corrupted humanity was as a species, and just left us to our fate. If you ask any preacher, any of those things earns you a one way ticket straight to hell, do not pass go, do not collect two hundred dollars(yes, I made a monopoly joke…. You know how it goes.). But then, there are also these rules that they say we’re supposed to live by. Do not murder, do not steal, do not cheat, do not lie, and the list goes on…. When I killed Spectrum….. I’m pretty sure I broke the last of those rules… I didn’t have to kill him… but I did… that, and suicide also earns you a ticket to hell, so I’m pretty sure that’s where I’m going, no matter what I do.” I finally finished my religious rant…. Never gone on one of those before…. Oh well, shit happens.
“I…. I’m sorry…I had no idea…” she said. Were those tears in her eyes? Great… now I made a pony cry to. Just. Fucking. Awesome. I’d been sighing a lot that day, so I decided not to.
“You have nothing to be sorry for.” I said, putting an arm around her shoulder. I couldn’t be there for her the way she wanted me to be there, but by god I wasn’t gonna let my problems bring her down. “if I’m lucky, I won’t have to worry about that for a long time. For now, I’m just focusing on fixing my mistakes, and setting Equestria right again” I said. She just looked at me, her big violet eyes filled with tears and burning into my soul. Sad pony makes me sad. As does her question.
“Do you think…. I’ll go to hell?” she asked…… yeah, she asked me if she was going to hell….. It killed me inside.
“No…. No of course not.” I said, hugging her tightly. I don’t know why, but I just felt compelled to comfort her. In the show, and all the fan fictions I read, she was often portrayed as someone who, while she was loyal to her friends, tended to think of herself and her reputation before others…. And yet here she was…. Not caring what anyone thought of her…. Just asking if she was a good pony… not the proud, hot headed pony most people make her out to be, but someone who is willing to admit their mistakes and their shortcomings. That night, I fell asleep on the floor, with her in my arms. She cried onto my shoulder through the night, even after she had fallen asleep. Minus the crying, she slept rather soundly. I, on the other hand, was having the most terrifying nightmare of my life.
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The beast runs through the forest, leading it’s hunters deeper into it’s depths. Deeper into darkness. Deeper into the moonlit night. “It went this way! Follow me!” comes the voice of one of the hunters. A voice the beast knows all to well. It continues running, looking for a spot to wait in ambush. It spots a tree, one of the branches high up, and sealed from the lesser vision of the hunters by branches. The beast climbs to the tree limb, and waits for it’s prey. “Hmmm… the tracks stop here. Stay alert, it could be anywhere.” came the voice again. The beast knew the owner of this voice, and wished no harm upon them. It simply wished to be left alone. But it knew that was not possible. It jumped down, landing on one of the hunters, killing them instantly. Then it lunged towards another, slicing them in half, and eating their entrails. Another tried to attack the beast with a sword, but the weapon was swatted away, the attacker fed on while they were still alive, their screams echoing through the night as the beast continued to feed, sating it’s hunger. Then, only one was left. The beast looked at her with pleading eyes, whimpering. The beast knew her well, and hoped she would simply leave. But he also knew the rainbow manned pegasus was to bold and brash to simply let him be. “Christian…..” she called out to him, using his true name. he cringed at it’s mention, but did not flee. “Christian!” she called again, louder, and slightly angered. He knew this could not end well….
“Christian!!” she yelled at me again.
“JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!” I yelled, waking up from my nightmare. “Jesus…. Holy shit, it was just a dream… just a dream…” I said again and again until Rainbow cut me off.
“Dude, you were whispering weird stuff in your sleep…. Really weird stuff, like you were having the most messed up dream ever.” she said, looking at me like I had said I was going to rape someone…. Wait a minute… shit, maybe I did. Only one way to find out.
“Like what?”
“Like stuff about eating ponies’ guts, and about just wanting to be left alone…. It’s really creeping me out.” she said, which oddly put me a bit at ease…. It could have been worse.
“Well, oddly enough, I was having a completely FUCKED UP nightmare about that kinda stuff… it was really freaking me the fuck out.’ I said, shaking my head… which turned out to be a bad idea, for two reasons. First, I already had a headache, and shaking my head made it worse. Second, Rainbows face was closer to mine than I thought… you see where I’m going with this?……………….get your mind out of the damn gutter, you sick freak. Well, the way I shook my head put her head directly in the path of my face, and thus, I hit her head with mine… now we both have really bad headaches.
“What the hay was that for!?”
“agh, shit. My bad. My depth perceptions kinda off without my glasses.” I said, reaching up to see if my glasses ha been pushed up my face(stranger things have happened, bro) only to find them still sitting right in front of my face. I took them off, only to find out that selling my humanity had the same effect as being bitten by a radioactive spider(please don’t sue me marvel… I’m poor). Being, my vision was now better than twenty/twenty. I could see perfectly. “Whoa…. This is some trippy ass shit right here….” I said, moving my glasses up and down out of my vision.
“Ummmmm….. that’s… great?”
“You have no idea…… I’ve been wearing glasses since I was a kid….. Now I can finally get rid of these damn things…. It’s FUCKING AWESOME!” I said…. And she probably thought I was stoned, but I was okay with that. I could SEE!!! It was awesome! I stood up(causing Rainbow Dash to roll off me and onto the floor…. I found it amusing, but I tried not to let her know it… aaannnd she’s reading this over my shoulder… I’ll be right back…………. Alright… I’m back, and I now have a black eye… but it was worth it.) and threw my glasses at the wall as hard as I could. They snapped half, which was oddly satisfying.
“Was that necessary?” I looked over to see Twilight staring at me.
“You’re damn straight it was. I’ve been waiting to do that for years.” I then realized how awkward it must’ve been to see me and Rainbow sharing a room after that whole episode last night, while we were playing never have I ever….. Thinking about it more, it would be really damn awkward…. Shit… “Ummmmm…. If you’re thinking what I think you’re thinking Twilight….. Then no….. no we didn’t.” I said. Apparently she was, because she sighed in what seemed to be relief…. But I suck at reading people, and the same concept applies to ponies, ergo, I suck at reading ponies.
“That’s good…. Because that would make you a mmmaaaajjjjjor hypocrite.” she said, looking at Rainbow, who seemed confused.
“A what now?” she asked.
“I’ll explain it when you’re older.” I said before I started laughing my ass off. I couldn’t help myself. And she couldn’t help stop herself from trying to tackle me.
“Why you cheeky jerk! I’m a full grown mare, ya know!” she said, clinging to my back. I was now flailing around, trying to get her off of me.
“Yeah, right, and I’m a full grown man. I’ll believe that one when I lose my virginity!” I said….. I then realized what I said, and mentally face palmed.
“That could be arranged….” Rainbow whispered in my ear in the most seductive tone she could…. And I would be lying if I told you I wasn’t tempted for a moment…. But then I shook off that temptation, for the sake of my humanity.
“I’d rather it wasn’t, thank you very much!” I yelled, trying to shake away the mental images that were invading my mind…. They were very disturbing. At least for someone who doesn’t like ponies like that it was. Like I said, if I were a pony, it’d be a different story, but I’m not.
“Aaww, why not? I promise I’ll be gentle…”
“ALRIGHT YOU TWO, THIS IS GETTING AWKWARD!” shit, I had forgotten she was there.
“You’re telling me!? I’m the one she’s trying to seduce here…. And she’s on my back still! I told you last night Rainbow, no!” I said as I finally managed to throw her off(not literally of course, I’m not that big of an asshole). “Jesus, there’s this thing called a species barrier, ya ever hear of it? It tends to make certain things awkward.” I said… and then she got this look in her eye… that I really didn’t like.
“Rainbow…. If you’re thinking what I think you’re thinking…..” said Twilight, but she never got an answer because the blacksmith walked in right at that very moment.
“Alright lad, yer equipment’s done. Come with me, an’ I’ll get you fitted out.” he said. I had never been so happy to be away from ponies in my life. We walked through a shit ton of different hallways, which made me feel like the whole place was a maze. I hate mazes. “Alright, here we are lad. Now, this swords special, made entirely out of starlight. Blades like this one are only given to the most honored hero’s…. I guess yer one of them now, ain’t ya?” he said as he handed(or would it be hoofed?) me the sword. The blade was a pure white, and hot to the touch(word to the wise… don’t touch the blade!) and the hilt was pitch black. It looked like…. “Obsidian. Strongest thing we got ‘round here. Now, yer shield is made’a bits’a the night sky. Luna went an’ got them herself, so you should feel honored. It’s light as a feather, but even an angry dragon couldn’t get through this stuff.” he said as I took the shield. He was right. It was light as air. I gave the blade a few practice swings, careful not to-”watch where yer swingin’ that thing! Ya almost cut off my other ear!” shit… I should probably stop that now.
“Do I get a scabbard for my sword? Or do I have to hold it the entire time?” I asked as he walked away. At first I thought he was just leavin’ me hangin’, but he came back with a dusty old scabbard.
“Yer the first one in almost a thousand years to get to use this old thing. Don’t lose it lad.” he said as he buckled it around my waist. Did I mention he’s a unicorn? I think i might have forgotten that.....
i'm just pumping these things out, aren't i? well just a heads up, there seems to be a spacing issue during a conversation with a certain pink pony.... and i blame her for breaking the fourth wall. any ways, enjoy!
Anyway, I walked out of the forge, shield on my arm, sword on my belt….. and then I realized something. Well a few things, actually. First and foremost, if ponies have television…… then why the hell don’t they have guns? Seriously, am I the only one who’s thought of this? I mean, we had guns before we had television for Christ’s sake! The second thing was that my facial hair was growing in faster than it should, which I chalked up to being a werewolf. Legends say that we’re really damn hairy, so I figured that was it. The third and final thing was when I looked in the mirror, I no longer saw what I saw before. I didn’t see a weak, pitiful kid. I saw a strong, fearsome warrior…. who had lots of hair. Seriously, before I showed up here, my hair was short, military style, minimum facial hair. Now it was about shoulder length, and I had a beard(an honest to god beard! I’m sooo happy!) that was about down to my chest. I looked like a hero. I looked like the cavalry that comes riding in to save the day. And that’s what I was going to do. I continued walking, trying to find my way back to Rainbow and the others. I won’t lie, I was kinda warming up to her. My opinion of who was best pony was changing. But, I still couldn’t get my mind of the way she acted around me. Did she legitimately want to do that, or was she just fucking with me? I didn’t know, but I knew I’d know before this was over. I was really uneasy either way. The thought of a pony wanting to hop on it wasn’t exactly calming. Speaking of ponies, I bumped into Applejack on my way back. She was giving me a weird look… I don’t know wh-
“So…. Ah heard yer still a virgin….”……… I should have seen this coming. I really should have.
“Yeah…….. Is there a purpose to you mentioning that, other than making me feel like shit?” I said. I don’t know why, but whenever someone brought that up, I died a little inside….. Maybe it’s because all of my friends had already cashed in their V-card. Who knows?
“Ah also heard that Rainbow offered tah change that…”
“I see what you’re getting at now, look Applejack, it’s not gonna happen, alright? No matter how many times she offers it, my answer will stay the same; NO! it’s nothing personal against her, you have to understand that. I already explained it twice, so now I’m going to explain it to you in two words. Ya ready? SPECIES. BARRIER. It’s how I explained it to her, it’s how I’m explaining it to you. Humans and ponies aren’t supposed to do shit like that, you get it?” I ranted…. I admit, I was angrier than I should have been, but this whole subject was getting to me, and I just wanted to bury it next to my grandmother.
“Well now, mister touchy. Ah was jus’ comin’ tah tell ya that ya should be careful ‘round her. She’s got that look in her eye that says she ain’t gonna stop ‘till she gets what she wants. And right now, that seems tah be you. The fact that she’s been talkin’ tah Twi’ a lot today prolly ain’t good fer ya either.” she said. Which was just fucking great. Now I had to be paranoid about full moons, Rainbow Dash, AND Twilight fucking Sparkle…. This was turning out to be one hell of an adventure, that’s for sure.
“Thanks for that heads up, I’ll keep that in mind.” I told her as I walked away. The only thing that could make this worse wa-
“Hey!”…………”Hey!”……….”Listen!”…… oh dear god no…….”Just kidding, it’s me! Pinkie!”…. what did I tell you about breaking the fourth wall? “Well, I figured you’d be alright with it since I came to tell you something important!”…. alright……..“………..”…..........So?… “What?”
“Hey Christian.”
“God damn it people, stop fucking showing up out of nowhere!” I said, turning around to see…… Rainbow dash….. Again….. Giving me this look….. “Sorry ‘bout that.. People just have a habit of comin’ out of nowhere today. So what’s up?” I said, feeling EXTREMELY uncomfortable with that stare… but I couldn’t look away…. Damn it, snap out of it! Alright, now that that’s done…
“Nothin’. just kinda wanted to talk.” rrriiigggghhhhhtt, and you totally didn’t want to mouth rape me again. “What was that?”
“Nothing.” shit, am I thinking out loud now!? This could be… problematic. “So, what did you wanna talk about?”
“Well, for one, I wanted to let you know you have to take on Discord yourself.”
“ponysaywhat now?” myself!? Are they fucking crazy!?
“Ha!! I’m just messin’ with ya. Don’t worry, me and the girls will have your back.” well that was…. Wait a minute….
“Aren’t I supposed to have your back? Considering you’re, oh, I don’t know, the ELEMENTS OF FUCKING HARMONY!” alright… that time my rage was justified, you have to admit. I mean, how would you react if the elements of harmony were you’re god damn back up, only there just in case you fail? Seriously?
“Hey, don’t look at me. Orders from Princess Celestia herself.” I was sssoooooo tempted to say ‘fuck Celestia’, but I knew how that would end. Tears. Mine. In all honesty, Luna’s way better. Let the hate mail… be sent. Anyway, I almost shit my pants at the prospect of fighting Discord. I mean, he could corrupt minds.. And he made me what I am now, so who’s to say he can’t take it away, and make me useless again? “Hey, don’t worry about it, you’ll be fine.” I just remembered she was here. That seems to be happening a lot. Oh well.
“I don’t know…. I mean, he can corrupt minds… what if he does it to me?” I asked. It was certainly possible…. And I didn’t want to think about what would happen if a corrupted werewolf was running around… I didn’t want to think about it.
“Then I’ll kick his flank, and get ya back to normal.” ya know… that was oddly comforting. I felt like I could legitimately trust Rainbow, even if she had some grand master plan to mouth rape me in the next five minut-
“DISTRACTION!!”
“What the fu-” I didn’t get to finish my sentence….. Again. Because Rainbow was mouth raping me…. Again. And you know what? Fuck it. I’ll just go with it this time. It actually wasn’t all that awkward. All I had to do was ignore the fact that she was a pony, and it reminded me of my first real kiss…. At least until I heard the sound of her wings shooting out. Then I cut it off, just due to laughter.
“Damn wingboners….. Always ruining my moments……” she mumbled a little bit. Loud enough for me to hear it, but barely.
“I’m sorry, I just didn’t expect that to happen…. Oh my god… Oh my god… alright…. alright, I’m good now…. Oh shit, that was funny… I’m sorry, but I just can’t get over the fact that wingboners actually exist.” I said… still laughing my ass off. She, however, didn’t find it very funny. She was blushing and embarrassed, the whole nine yards.
“W-Well I’m glad you think it’s funny! We’re through!” she yelled, trotting away.
“Umm… Rainbow Dash?”
“….. yeah?” she asked, looking back hopefully…..
“You do realize we were never together…. Right?”
“…….. yeah……”
“And, that being the case, that you can’t break up with me…. Right?”
“………………………...yeah”
“………………just checkin’….. so… when are we gonna go take care of Discord? I wanna get this done and over with, so I can see if I’ll survive or not.” I said. I was actually curious to see how this played out…. But I was also worried. I didn’t want to wake up a few days from now, to find out I killed any of the elements of harmony. Especially….
“PLOT RELATED THING THAT I’M BLOCKING YOU ALL FROM HEARING BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE IT!!!” REALLY PINKIE!? REALLY? I swear, you do this because you know the story can’t go on without you….. But I swear to Celestia, when I find a way… you’re getting written out. Anyway, something is preventing me from repeating what I was going to say when SOMEPONY interrupted me, so I’m just going to continue the story.
“Yeah, that was one of the things I came to talk to you about. We’re leaving as soon as you’re ready.” she said, obviously having recovered from my little joke. Which was good.
“Well….. I’m as ready as I’ll ever be. How long will it take us to get there?”
About a day. Not to long.” she said.
“Alright…. Just give me a minute…. I need to put my armor back on.” I said, heading towards the bedroom I had used the night before. I grabbed my armor and put it on, piece by piece(which was a painstaking process alone, let me tell ya) and was about to leave… when I decided to do one… last… thing. I drew my sword, placing the tip on the floor, and kneeling before it. “Oh heavenly father, I beseech thee, grant me strength of will and arm in the days to come, as I fight to defend a land that, while not of your creation, is pure. I fight an enemy similar to Satan, for he is a trickster, and a deceiver, and shall try to make me stray from my appointed path. I ask that you protect me, and my companions, from his trickery, that we may defeat him, and seal him away once again. I hath unleashed this evil upon the land, and it cost me my very soul, but I seek to repent my crimes, and make right the world again. I seek thy guidance, if thou are willing to give it. Amen.” I finished my little home made prayer(I only said it because, hey, not like it can hurt, right?), and felt invigorated, as if I could take on the world. I felt like a true hero, like someone that others should look at and be proud of. I wasn’t sure if it was simply a placebo effect, or if god had finally answered me, but I wasn’t going to question it. I sheathed my sword, and walked out again, in full armor. A hero was born.
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Can't tell if awesome, or just really fucking shitty
A/N: alright, this story is doing really well, getting a lot of good feedback, and i just figured i'd give a quick shout out to all the fans, of this, and all my other fanfics, and everyone who gives me suggestions and ideas for all my fanfics(you know who you are). it's been one hell of a ride typing this, lot's of late nights, and it almost makes me sad to say we're almost there, the big finale, the final battle...... but, it's not the destination the matters, it's the journey, so enjoy!
“Well…. Maybe giving me armor wasn’t the best idea…” I said to my companions(yeah, I called them MY companions, because they’re MY backup. I know that makes me sound like a douche, but whatevs.) as the moon rose over the horizon. The FULL moon.
“Don’t worry about it to much. If my research is correct, you will be in full control of your body and mind under blue moons.” said Twilight… and then I realized it was a blue moon…. Funny how that works out, eh? For those of you that don’t know, a blue moon is when there’s a full moon twice in a month. I think. I’m not entirely sure. All I know is that tonight was a blue moon. How do I know this? One moment, I seem to be changing right now. Just like the first time, my limbs grew, I grew fur, and it hurt. But unlike the first time(was there any other time? No? so I could just say last time, right? Whatever.)however, my armor grew and moved with my body. That’s gonna save me a lot of time and money in the long run. And, like Twilight had predicted, I was in full control….. Mostly. I barely had control over the more primal urges, like to chase down stray rabbits…. Mmmmmmmm, rabbits………. Huh? Sorry, I tend to zone out when I mention food. Where was I? oh yeah, control. I didn’t have control over the urge to hunt…. And to make matters worse, I couldn’t exactly talk. To show my rage at this situation, I just sat on my haunches(Wait a minute, I have haunches now? Jesus, this is cool!) and howled at the moon, feeling like a complete bad ass.
“Um.. Excuse me, but… could you please stop that? You’re scaring the other animals… not that you’re an animal of course, I mean…eepp.” squeaked Fluttershy. I didn’t really mind being called an animal, as at the time I technically was one.
“At the time? You were always one.” oh… you. How’ve you been Rage? I haven’t heard from you in a while. “I’ve been alright, I guess. This place is to…. Pony, for my tastes.” well then you can burn in hell, I love it here. Now, if you don’t mind, I think I see a rabbit. And it was a rabbit. I say was because I… well, you know what I’m getting at, right? No? well, I killed it, and ate it raw around the campfire, while the others just kinda watched. With death glares….. It was uncomfortable.
“I understand the need to hunt, Christian, but could you at least wait until you’re standing watch for that? It’s… disturbing.” said Twilight. I finished my rabbit, and then nodded. I could wait. “”Alright, speaking of standing watch, we need to come up with a watch schedule. I say Rarity and myself, Fluttershy and Applejack, Pinkie and Rainbow, Christian and Applejack, Christian and Rainbow. Any objections?” I would have objected to being paired with Rainbow, but I kinda couldn’t….. yeah. Being a werewolf sucks. Don’t do it. I know what you’re thinking. DON’T. it’s not worth it bro, trust me. I know. Anyway, I tried to sleep, but my dreams were always invaded by the same damn nightmare from the night before. Eventually I just kinda laid there, waiting for my first watch shift. Which came faster then I thought.
“Hey sugercube, it’s our turn.” Said Applejack, shaking me a bit, thinking I was asleep. I just kinda got up and stretched. Remember when I said they were about our size? Well not anymore. Now I’m about twice their height. Which feels AWESOME. “So… ah take it yer gonna go huntin‘?” she asked me…. Can Applejack read minds? Either way, I nodded, and then ran of into the woods(which we were camped outside, by the way.) in search of prey. What I found, however, were ponies….. Evil smelling ponies. Don’t ask me what evil smells like, because it’s hard to explain. Lets just say that if evil made cologne, all these(five, by the way.. That’s how many ponies there were.) ponies would be wearing it. And A LOT of it. I thought about going back and telling Applejack……. Nnnaaahhhhh, I got this. I rushed toward them, surprisingly silently. I jumped on the first one, eating his throat out before he could scream. I then grabbed the next one from behind and drove my claws(which had metal gloves on them, making them extra sharp) right through his chest(I don’t actually know if they were all he’s, but I’m going to refer to them as such until I find out.) killing him instantly. I then threw caution to the wind and roared.. Not howled, I fucking ROARED. I feel so aweso- Oowww!! Shit! Lesson learned, they do have guns, and they fucking hurt! I decided to mentally say fuck it, and ran towards where the bullet that hit me(as they were flying everywhere now) had come from, finding another pony there with something similar to a Kentucky long rifle. I knocked the rifle from his hooves(or magic, I couldn’t really tell… bloodlust and all that, ya kno….. never mind.) and impaled him through his stomach, looking him in the eyes before opening my claw, widening the hole in his gut. I did this until he simply burst open, ribs, guts and blood flying everywhere. I then threw his body in a random direction, there not being enough meat left on the corpse for me to feed on. I then turned to see two other ponies with rifles, simply standing there. Dumbstruck and scared. I could leave no witnesses…. No matter how much I wanted to. I tore the first pony in half, his screams echoing through the forest, along with those of his companion, whom I ate alive, rending the meat from his flesh and swallowing it to the music of his screams. When I was done, I walked back to the camp, soaked in blood, some of it my own, but most of it belonged to the ponies I’d just mauled(..mauled.. it’s such a strange sounding word….. Mauled..) because I’m to awesome to bleed. Alright that’s a lie, I was full of holes, but I didn’t think much of it. Anyway, when I got back to camp, Applejack was just staring at me.
“Ah don’t know if ah should scream, or puke.” she said….. Eloquent Applejack… eloquent. I shrugged. Hell if I knew. She chose the latter. After she was done, it was time for mine and Rainbow’s watch(this oughta be interesting.), and she woke her up.
“Huh? I’m up, I’m up.” she said, shaking her head a bit(I would assume she would have learned after what happened when I did that, ya know?) and then looking at me. “What happened to you?” I looked myself over and shrugged. I didn’t see anything wrong. Applejack went to bed(but only after telling Rainbow to keep an eye on me… which I’m sure she was doing anyway.) and me and Rainbow were the only ones awake. I was sitting on a log, and she was just kinda sitting off to my right. “So….. What’s it like?” she asked. I just kinda looked at her and pointed a claw at my throat. “Oh… yeah, I forgot about that.” she sighed… Hey! That’s my thing! Anyway, I was bored, and there was dirt, so I tried my claw(you see what I did there?) at writing in it. It took me a while, but I eventually got a message to Rainbow written in the dirt, and then kinda nudged her. “What’s up?” she asked, and I pointed at my message. It was fairly simple, just a question that’s been on my mind for a while. “You wanna know why I like you so much?” yep. That was it. More or less, anyways. I nodded. She sighed(Stop stealing my thing!) and began her explanation. “Well, you just seem like a really cool guy, not like the stallions I’ve dated, who only wanted a one night stand, or only got me to say ‘yes’ by getting me drunk first. That, and you’re willing to fight for a bunch of ponies you’ve never met before in your life, and for a world that isn’t yours. You accept me for who I am, and you’re really cool to hang out with, you’re funny, well, sometimes you are anyway, and it sounds like you understand what I’ve been through. When I was in flight school, I was always picked on and getting into fights because everypony thought that because my mane’s rainbow colored I was into fillies, so I just tried to be someone else, I always tried to be cool….” she trailed off with an honest to god snort. I shit you not. “I’m sure you can tell how that went.” I nodded. If she thought our lives were similar, then it didn’t take a genius to figure that one out. Unless I’m the only one who can figure it out. Would that make me a genius?…… sweet mother of god. Anyway, I could understand what she’d been through. When I still went to public school, everyone would always look for a reason to call me a fag, a retard, or anything they thought would hurt, from my music choices(The Fray, anyone?), to my grades, or even what the hell I wore, which was usually no different then what they wore. Jeans and a plain white t-shit…. How they got “Mentally handicapped homosexual” out of that, I’ll never know. Anyway, back to the matter at hand, hoof, or claw, whichever you may have. Stranger things have happened then someone who has any of those reading this, trust me. Like the sun beginning to rise at a very convenient time. Trollestia to the max, right there. You wanna know what it’s like changing from werewolf back into human? Imagine the initial change, in reverse, but twice as painful. Yeah, that’s pretty much it. I was howling the entire time, until I was finally human again.
“OOooooow SHIT! You have no idea how much that shit hurts!” I yelled. Accidentally waking up the rest of the camp. Who glared at me, before going back to sleep.
“Did it really hurt that bad?” asked Rainbow. Now that I could actually talk, I could answer her many questions.
“Yeah. It did. Have you ever felt your bones move around, growing longer, or getting shorter? Cuz if not, you have no idea how much that hurts.” and neither do you. You don’t understand my pain. Anyway, she cringed a bit at the very thought(or at least I thought it was what she cringed at… maybe it was my face. It has a tendency to make people do that.) and then we continued out earlier conversation. “Anyway, yeah, I do know how it is getting a lot of shit over something stupid. This one time, I got my ass whooped because I was chasing a kid… while we were playing football. Yeah.”
“Football?” I then had to explain football to her, which I will spare you from. I was never a big fan of football, so my explanation of it is probably way off. “What’s his problem!?” she asked afterwards, to which I could only shrug. I didn’t know what problem most people had with me. I just dealt with it.
“Who knows? Either way, that’s not the point. The point is, that kinda shit happens to a lot of people, me included.” I said. I was still laying on the ground from my… un-transformation? Anyway, she decided to lay down next to me for no apparent reason. “So… now I understand why you’re so determined to get with me, but-”
“I know…. Species barrier, I remember.” she said, cutting me off and sounding…. Not as depressed about that as I thought she would. Which worried me. Are you worried to? Cuz I am. Greatly worried. “So….. If, say, you were a pony, would you?”
“Would I what?” I think I see where she’s going with this…. But better safe then looking like a douche bag, right?
“You know. Date me?” if I had been drinking anything, I would have probably choked on it. It was not something that was a possibility for me all that often. And she must have been reading this for a while…… damn you fourth wall, why do you have to be so fragile? Anyway……
“If, and only if I was a pony. I still find it kinda odd that you’re so persistent, considering that, for one, we’ve only known each other for a few days(I know stranger things have happened, but it’s still odd.), and two, I doubt your first impression of me was very good, considering that whole business with Discord.” she then got this smile…. It was highly disturbing. Maybe Pinkie was right…
“I TOLD YA SO!!” shut up Pinkie.
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everyone gets mind fucked.... no, not literally, you sick bastards
hmmmm, a happy ending, or a sad ending.... what do you guys think? either way, it's going to be pretty epic. let me know in the comments section, and we'll see how it goes.
Anyhow, where was I? “Being disturbed.” thank you. Fortunately, the rest of the mane six waking up cut off the disturbance.
“Morning.” I said to them, to which they only grumbled. Except Applejack.
“Mornin’ sugercube. Now, ah fergot tah ask this when ya got back from yer little hunt, but…. Why were ya covered in blood?” she asked. She also seems to have forgotten that I COULDN’T TALK!! Sorry, had to let that out.
“Ran into a few ponies that just…. Smelled evil. It’s hard to explain.” I said.
“And you…..”
“Yep. That’s what they get for shooting at me.” I said jokingly… they didn’t find it as funny, but it was worth it. Anyway, we packed up camp, and walked into the everfree forest. I’m sure you’re wondering why we didn’t just sleep at Fluttershys house, and I’ll tell you why. We found a shortcut to our destination(Which is that old castle thing where they found the elements of harmony….. Good ol’ Discord, eh?), and we needed to be at our current position to use it. Now, instead of another day, we can get there in a little over an hour…… minus traffic, of course.
“Oh no, no, no. I don’t think you understand the rules of the game we’re playing right now.” came the voice of… well I’m sure you know who, but I’m going to say it for those who don’t.
“Discord, at your service.” wait, you can break the fourth wall to? “Well, yeah. I AM the god of madness, after all.” makes sense…. So why can Pinkie do it? “Who knows?” well…. Not what I was expecting. So, why don’t you go explain the rules? “Oh, yes I almost forgot. You have fun now, I’m going to go corrupt your mind now.” alright, have fun….. Wait WHAT!? “Now… the rules are simple. You must all take a different path.” he said, snapping his fingers(or would they be claws?) and making seven paths appear. No colored paths, or maze paths, just paths. Something’s off here. “The first one to reach me wins. No magic, no wings. Let the games… Begin!” he yelled, disappearing again, this time with everypony‘s wings and horns.
“Well now…. This is quite a predicament we find ourselves in.” I said, debating which path to take. “I’ll take the middle one.(you could say I’m a… straight forward guy….. No? okay…)” I said, leaving them to decide their fate.
“I’ll take the one to the right of yours.” said Rainbow Dash…. Alright, she just seems obsessive now.
“I’ll take the path to his left.” said Rarity……. Not sure if that’s any better. The others chose their paths, and we went onward. The thick amount of trees made it impossible to see what was happening with the others, but my trial started immediately.
“Christian!”….. I know that voice. “Christian, bro, where are you?” I swear to god, if he’s actually here….. I kept walking down the path, until I eventually came across the source of the voice…. My brother. I think I may have failed to mention I have an older brother. He can be a dick sometimes, but he’s usually cool. I still don’t like him though.
“Jordan…. What the fuck are you doing here?” I asked. He’s not a brony like myself, so I don’t think he’d sell his soul for ponies.
“I could ask you the same thing, but I wont. I’m hurt bro, I think my leg’s broken a-”
“Sucks to be you. I’m not falling for this bullshit, Discord. First off, my brother never calls me ‘bro’, second off, he would have no idea I’m here, and third off, he’d ask me what the fuck I was doing here. So FUCK, OFF.”
“Smart man.” said whatever the hell was pretending to be my brother with a smile, directly before it disappeared. I continued walking, keeping an eye out for anything that might be one of Discords tricks. Something wasn’t right. It was quite…… to quiet. And that’s when I heard a blood curdling scream rip through the forest…. Was it…. No, it couldn’t have been.
“CHRISTIAN!!” shit, it was. It was Rainbow, and she was in trouble I was about to run off the path when Discords voice came from nowhere.
“Remember the rules? You have to stay on the path.”
“Fuck your rules, I make my own path.” well now…. Anyway, I ran off the path towards where I had heard Rainbow scream from, half expecting to find her hurt, or worse, dead. Alas, when I got there… she was fine. She was just standing there, facing away from me. “Rainbow? You alright?” I asked, stepping towards her cautiously….
“I’m fine…. For now, at least.” she said, turning towards me…. To reveal………… Discord. Yep. I got Discorded. The mane six is now completely fucked. And I got hoofed in the jaw for some reason.
“What the fuck was that for, asshole?”
“Well now… I could have sworn that’s how I corrupted them……. It’s been quite a while, you see. How did it go again?” while he was distracted, I drew my sword. Yes, my awesome, completely bad ass sword. “Oh, come now, I was joking. Our fight is one I intend to win fairly, Well, fairly.” he said, disappearing again…. again. I was as confused as I could be at this point. Did Discord just anti-troll me? Is such a thing possible? I was still wondering about this when the real Rainbow Dash showed up.
“What are you doing here? I thought you took the middle path?”
“I did…. And I have no fucking clue what just happened….. Do you have any idea how mind fucked I am right now?” I said, turning around(mostly to make sure it wasn’t Discord again… which wouldn’t surprise me.).
“Ummmmm, no? I thought the rules were we couldn’t leave the path we were on.” she said.
“Well…. Discord actually brought that up not to long ago… I told him I make my own path and ran through.” I said, still confused as hell…. You have no idea how weird Rainbow looks without her wings. Even if you watched the Discord episodes, you have no clue.
“And why did you do that?” she asked…. And I didn’t really like the tone of her voice. It worried me.
“Ummm….. I was worried about you.” I told her, which was true, considering the fact that I thought u heard her scream.
“Really? You were worried… about me?” she asked me…. I think she’s trying to make it sound romantic, but I can’t really tell.
“Umm.. Yeah. Yeah I was….” I said, not entirely sure how to react… she, on the other hand(or hoof), decided to turn very, very red.
“W-Well you shouldn’t be. No way Discord’s getting to me this time!” she said, awfully confident in herself. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
“Such pride… it will destroy you, child.” alright, I had to. I’ve been waiting forever to use that quote, and that was the best moment I’ve ever seen. Assassin’s creed, for the win.
“Hey! I told you, I’m a full grown mare!” she said. This brought up quite a bit of curiosity.
“Just how old are you, anyway?” I asked, realizing that, for all I know, she could be twenty some years old.
“I’m eighteen.”……….. close enough. It’s within the three year rule, and she’s older than me anyway. That makes those moments a little less creepy.
“……Close enough.” I had to, alright? I just had to. Don’t judge me!
“Close enough? Close enough to what?” she asked, and then I realized we were walking down the path. I have a habit of doing that when I zone out.
“You see, back home there’s this thing called the three year rule. The rule is that if the person is three years younger then you, or less, it’s alright to date them and stuff like that. If they’re more then three years younger, it’s just creepy.” I explained. No, I didn’t come up with this rule. I don’t know who did. “Which makes the times you mouth raped me less creepy.”
“Oh, you know you liked it.” she said. I just kinda laughed.
“Oh, yeah, I just loved having your tongue force it’s way down my throat, that was just awesome.” I said sarcastically. Sarcasm happens to be a specialty of mine.
“Oh, and I just llllooooved having to force it. I like kinky.”…………
“…………. alright…. That’s just really fucking creepy, not gonna lie.”.. I was scared now.
“I was kidding, jeez. Did you really think I was that weird?”
“….. maybe.” she just kinda gave me this death glare.
“So, how much longer do you think this path is?” she asked after a long, very awkward silence.
“Hell if I know. Could go on for miles.” I said, to which she just sighed.
“It sucks not having wings.”
“I know, right?” I had to… it’s what she gets for complaining about it when I never had any to begin with.
“Huh? Oh! Crap, I’m sorry, I forgot, you don’t have any either.”
“Uumm… how’d you forget that? I never had any.”
“Well I couldn’t tell! You’re always wearing something that covers your back!” she tried to cover her tracks. I’m not even sure why I care, so I’m going to stop this line of questioning…. Now.
“I was just fuckin’ with ya, I don’t give a shit… hey.. Isn’t that the castle?” I asked… I thought it was.. It looks like it.
“Yeah, that’s it! Come on!” she yelled, sprinting off ahead.. But something didn’t seem right. When I finally caught up, she was already in the castle. Crying.
“Hey…. What’s wrong?”
“What’s wrong is that none of her friends are coming to help her! The elements of harmony are all completely mind fucked right about now!”
“Hey! Bro! Watch your language! I’m the only one allowed to swear around here, okay? And no one said that we needed the elements of harmony, anyway!”… what the fuck am I getting myself into? Apparently Rainbow was thinking the same thing, because she just kinda gave me a “dafuq?” face. Discord simply laughed.
the final battle(happy ending)
“Alright. I’ll make a bet with you. If you win, I’ll bring the other elements of harmony here, and let myself be trapped in stone again. You lose… well, you won’t be in much of a position to argue.” If I wasn’t worried before, I was worried now.
“So what do I have to do?”
“You have to beat yourself, in single combat.”……..
“Wait, what?” he took this as a queue to show of his magic skills. He snapped his fingers, and then there were two of me. I was looking myself in the eye. There was no difference between us at all. Unless you count the fact that he was smiling. This was it….. The final battle .
“Fight!” at those words, I jumped back, just as the other me took a swing.
“So… you just gonna give up, like you always do? Or are you gonna stand and fight me like a man.” he said. I only had one option really. Rainbow was watching(I think) and the fate of all of Equestria was resting on my shoulders. I drew my sword.
“I will not yield.” I said, taking a swing back at him, which he blocked with his own blade. It was, quite literally, the same exact thing as mine. Same blade color, same hilt color, everything. While he was distracted by that, I took the opportunity to hit him in the chest with my shield, knocking him back a few steps.
“Dirty little bastard, ain’t ya?” it was weird, hearing myself call me a bastard, and a dirty one at that.
“Shut up and fight me.” I said, and he did. We went back and forth, neither of us able to gain an advantage over the other, blade meeting blade or shield, shield meeting chest plate, boot meeting floor as we tried to kick each others knees out.
“I can help!” yelled Rainbow Dash, rushing in to help me.
“Damn it, get back!!” I yelled, but it was too late. The other me spun around, bashing her in the face with his shield. She went flying across the room, hitting a wall. She slumped over, but didn’t move. “YOU SON OF A BITCH!! I’LL FUCKING KILL YOU!” I yelled at the top of my lungs, slashing at him before he could turn around, catching him in the knee, my sword sliding through his armor like butter. Blood dripped from both my blade and his wound as we got back into it, me fighting with anger and rage, him fighting just to stay alive. I caught him again, this time in the gut, but it was a superficial(yeah, I use big words, deal with it) wound. He caught me in my shield arm, making me drop it. We fought on and on, for hours, neither having an edge. By this time, we were both cut up, bleeding pretty bad, and shield-less. I could barely stand, and his guts were on the verge of hanging out. He punched me in the face, knocking a few more of my teeth out. I spat blood onto the floor.
“You done yet?” I answered him with a roar and a heavy, two handed slash, knocking both our blades from our hands. I tackled him to the ground, beating on his face over and over and over again, not letting up until his face looked like a plate of blood covered mashed potatoes. I got back up, and got my sword. I stood over him as he begged for mercy, pleading me to spare his life, but I would have none of it.
“I told you I’d kill you.” I said as I flipped the blade around in my hand, so that the blade was pointing downward. “I keep my promises.” I drove the blade into his chest and watched as he convulsed. Is that how I’d die? Begging for mercy, shaking like I was in the electric chair? I didn’t want to know. I twisted the blade, to cause him more pain before he died. I watched him slip away with grim determination. When he was gone, I turned to more pressing matters. “Rainbow Dash!” I yelled as I ran over to her…. She still wasn’t moving…. I picked her up gently and cradled her in my arms. “I’m so, so sorry, Rainbow… I’m so.. So sorry….. I could’ve… I could’ve….... I love you, so much..........”
"You do?" I... I... I looked at her. her eyes were only half open, and she was bleeding from her head... but she was alive.
"You.... you're alive! oh dear god, i was so worried..."
"About what?"
"I... thought you were dead..."
"Nah, i'm fine. Now where's this evil you? i'm gonna whoop his flank!" she said, opening her eyes the rest of the way, then looked over to where his body had been when i left it.i followed he gaze to see Discord standing in a pool of blood, over my sword(at least i think it was mine), clapping.
"Congratulations! You managed to kill yourself... Again. but, a deal is a deal, i'll bring them." he said, snapping his fingers. in a really damn bright burst of light, the rest of the mane six appeared, looking really confused.
"What happened?" Asked Twilight, before she looked at me. "What happened to you?".... i couldn't help but laugh.
"I whooped my own ass.... and it was worth it"...... we all know how the rest of this goes, with the elements of harmony and all that, so i'm just going to skip to the awards ceremony.
"I, Princess Celestia, am proud to recognise Christian Fleury as a hero of Equestria, having aided in resealing Discord into his stone prison, at the possible cost of his own life. such bravery does not go unrewarded. i herby grant you..... a choice." I was highly confused. we had been attending the awards ceremony, the mane six had gotten yet another medal, and here I was, sitting in a wheelchair(yeah, my legs were messed up that bad) covered in bandages, and all i was getting was
"A choice? what kind of choice?" i asked... i was trying not to sound to pissed off, and failing horribly.
"Well, as you know, sending you back to your world would resault in your death. You have made so many friends here, as well as so much more, and i wish for you to be able to fit in, and make more friends. I can not remove your lycanthropy,(A fancy way of saying she can't undo the fact that i'm a werewolf) but i can help you manage it, by casting a spell to make you in control of your curse at all times. This is not one of your choices." I was still confused. she must have noticed a strange look on my face, because she giggled. "Now, i feel i already know the answer to this question, but i'll ask it anyway. Horn, wings, or neither?"... now i understood. she was going... to make me a pony... Rainbow had to have had something to do with this.... speaking of which, i looked back at her. she was sitting in the crowd, also covered in bandages(not sure why, she didn't get any cuts. oh well, shit happens). she winked at me.
"I think i'll take those wings."
The final battle, and the final goodbye
“Alright. I’ll make a bet with you. If you win, I’ll bring the other elements of harmony here, and let myself be trapped in stone again. You lose… well, you won’t be in much of a position to argue.” If I wasn’t worried before, I was worried now.
“So what do I have to do?”
“You have to beat yourself, in single combat.”……..
“Wait, what?” he took this as a queue to show of his magic skills. He snapped his fingers, and then there were two of me. I was looking myself in the eye. There was no difference between us at all. Unless you count the fact that he was smiling. This was it….. The final battle.
“Fight!” at those words, I jumped back, just as the other me took a swing.
“So… you just gonna give up, like you always do? Or are you gonna stand and fight me like a man.” he said. I only had one option really. Rainbow was watching(I think) and the fate of all of Equestria was resting on my shoulders. I drew my sword.
“I will not yield.” I said, taking a swing back at him, which he blocked with his own blade. It was, quite literally, the same exact thing as mine. Same blade color, same hilt color, everything. While he was distracted by that, I took the opportunity to hit him in the chest with my shield, knocking him back a few steps.
“Dirty little bastard, ain’t ya?” it was weird, hearing myself call me a bastard, and a dirty one at that.
“Shut up and fight me.” I said, and he did. We went back and forth, neither of us able to gain an advantage over the other, blade meeting blade or shield, shield meeting chest plate, boot meeting floor as we tried to kick each others knees out.
“I can help!” yelled Rainbow Dash, rushing in to help me.
“Damn it, get back!!” I yelled, but it was too late. The other me spun around, bashing her in the face with his shield. She went flying across the room, hitting a wall. She slumped over, but didn’t move. “YOU SON OF A BITCH!! I’LL FUCKING KILL YOU!” I yelled at the top of my lungs, slashing at him before he could turn around, catching him in the knee, my sword sliding through his armor like butter. Blood dripped from both my blade and his wound as we got back into it, me fighting with anger and rage, him fighting just to stay alive. I caught him again, this time in the gut, but it was a superficial(yeah, I use big words, deal with it) wound. He caught me in my shield arm, making me drop it. We fought on and on, for hours, neither having an edge. By this time, we were both cut up, bleeding pretty bad, and shield-less. I could barely stand, and his guts were on the verge of hanging out. He punched me in the face, knocking a few more of my teeth out. I spat blood onto the floor.
“You done yet?” I answered him with a roar and a heavy, two handed slash, knocking both our blades from our hands. I tackled him to the ground, beating on his face over and over and over again, not letting up until his face looked like a plate of blood covered mashed potatoes. I got back up, and got my sword. I stood over him as he begged for mercy, pleading me to spare his life, but I would have none of it.
“I told you I’d kill you.” I said as I flipped the blade around in my hand, so that the blade was pointing downward. “I keep my promises.” I drove the blade into his chest and watched as he convulsed. Is that how I’d die? Begging for mercy, shaking like I was in the electric chair? I didn’t want to know. I twisted the blade, to cause him more pain before he died. I watched him slip away with grim determination. When he was gone, I turned to more pressing matters. “Rainbow Dash!” I yelled as I ran over to her…. She still wasn’t moving…. I picked her up gently and cradled her in my arms. “I’m so, so sorry, Rainbow… I’m so.. So sorry….. I could’ve… I could’ve…. I love you, so much……..”.. she didn’t move…… she didn’t answer me… her eyes never opened….. She was gone…… I heard laughter behind me.
“Ha ha ha ha! It looks like the elements are missing something! I’ll bring them over anyway, so that they can see what ‘you’ did!” he cried. Before he could do jack shit, I interrupted him.(that’s right… it’s my turn.)
“No….. just lead them out of the forest…..” I said, releasing my grip on Rainbow as I stood up, stretching out my fingers. I heard the click of his fingers.
“Done.” he said…. Then I turned around to see him laying on the ground, rolling in laughter…. I walked over to my sword, and pulled it out of ‘my’ corpse.
“Lets see how funny it is when it’s your corpse.” I said as I plunged the blade into his throat and watched him bleed. I saw the look of pain, fear and shock in his eyes.. But I didn’t care. I just stood there while his blood pooled around me. I looked at my reflection in it…I saw a mad man, crazed and enraged by loss. I left my blade there and walked back over to Rainbow, and just picked her back up… burying my face in her mane….Crying ….. “Why did it have to end like this……. If I…. if I…. had just fought harder…… if I had… just…. Killed him sooner…………
“I, Princess Celestia, regret to inform you all of the tragic death of one of the elements of harmony…. Rainbow Dash, the element of loyalty, died while trying to help her friend fight for our very world…. But, in the midst of this pain, there is hope, and happiness. For even though we have lost one of our own, we welcome another into our world, and reward him for his brave actions. Because of him, Discord will never trouble our world again, and for that, we thank you, Christian. As a reward for your se-”
“Fuck off. I don’t want anything you have. I don’t want to be here, and I sure as hell don’t want your FUCKING RESPECT! YOU KNOW WHAT I WANT!? I WANT TO BE LEFT THE FUCK ALONE!” I cut her off, and stormed out off the throne room. Applejack tried to stop me from leaving, but I threw her aside. I didn’t care any more… I just had no reason to. She was gone. The rest of this world could burn in hell for all I cared……..
And that’s why I’m writing this. It’s been almost three years since she died. She’s haunted my every dream, my every waking moment…. My greatest failure……. I’ve been to hundreds of therapists and psychologists and all those fucking head doctors…. Nothing. None of them can help me…. I turned down being one of them for this exact purpose. You remember how I got here? Well, I’m doing it again, and I figured I’d leave something to remember me by this time. The story of my life, in a nutshell. The only part of it that matters… the time I spent with the only living being that mattered….. Well, this is goodbye. The final chapter in a story that was forgotten before it even began. I best shut this book now. I don’t want to get blood on the pages. Then no one could read it, and all my time would have been for nothing. When you die, and go to heaven, and all that good stuff…. Tell Rainbow I said hi, alright?
A/N: alright, i figured i'd start typing this up while the other sequel is on hiatus(only until after christmas though, so this story won't actually get posted for a while, sorry), but this is the sequel to the happy ending, and more based on that conversation that i got the original idea from. insides jokes will abound in this story, and the name of Crazy Pie is subject to change before the story gets posted, and if it is kept, it will be explained.... later. anyway, tell me what you guys think, in the mean time, i'm going to........ go work on some of my other projects that i've got going on right now.
Alright now, this is basically what my friends Night Shroud and Crazy Pie(I’ll explain later) told me. First off, I should explain that I knew them before I did that whole deal with Discord. We were pretty good friends, would hang out every now and again, play video games, that sort of thing. Their real names are actually Mikey and Trystan respectfully, but I gave them pony names so they might fit in a bit better. Their story on how they ended up here goes a little like this. They were at Cedar Point, which is a famous amusement park where we’re from, and the decided to go on one of the older, wooden rides. Some dumb ass must have dropped something on the tracks, or forgotten to do some maintenance, because from what I’m told, the car they were in went right off the damn tracks, crashing right into the parking lot. Most people walked away from it, but about five didn’t. you see where I’m going with this? Of course you do, anyway, they said that next thing they knew, they were ponies(albeit, very beat up ones) and were just outside ponyville. Their first thought? To freak out about being ponies, obviously(as only one of them was a brony). Their second thought? To scream out the words to Hollywood Undead’s “Bullet ” at the top of their lungs through the forest, in the middle of the GOD DAMN NIGHT! Sorry, I’m just kinda pissed off because thanks to somepony I didn’t get a whole lot of sleep that night, and I had worked all that day, and just wanted to get some sleep, but nnooooooo, I can’t even get that anymore…. Alright, anyway, they were doing that, and woke me up. Dashie and the kids are thankfully heavy sleepers(I guess that’s another thing they got from her, eh?) and thus they didn’t wake up. Now, when I was awake enough to realize exactly what was going on, I was confused out of my mind, for two reasons. The first is that Equestria doesn’t have an equivalent of Hollywood Undead(they’ve got something damn close to Shinedown though, which is good enough for me), the second being that their voices sounded vaguely familiar. I say vaguely because I hadn’t seen or heard from them in three, four years(on account of me being dead in our world), and thus had no fucking clue what their voices sounded like anymore. That, and how the fuck would they end up in Equestria anyway? I mean, seriously, it’s not like they fucked up the same way I did…….. Right?
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bonus chapter: Three months later, back in reality
A/N: alright everyone, i was kinda bored and had an idea that i couldn't really turn into a fanfic all on it's own. This is that idea. Enjoy.
I sighed with content and sat back, looking at my finished works. It's been a little over three months since I finished my first two fan fictions, and they had earned me a good deal of fans amongst the brony community, and the internet in general. But, even with all of these people who knew my name, and applauded my work, who felt the emotions I had tried to convey, there was still..... Something missing. A hole in my heart that couldn't be filled with fans, tracks, rates and comments. I sighed again, with sorrow this time, and went to youtube, hoping to find something there to lift my spirits. I went through video after video, some making me laugh, others making me cringe, and others making me sing along to the lyrics of pain and sorrow. I was watching a random pony video when something caught my eye. I, of course, had to click it, and almost instantly regretted it. "FOURTH WALL BE DAMNED!" I said, as tears came out of my eyes. "Why can i not hug crying Luna through my computer screen?" I said, feeling that hole slowly filling up. and then it was over. the video came to an end as soon as it had begun, and i sighed. Having nothing better to do, I grabbed my cigarettes, threw on my leather jacket and walked downstairs. "Hey mom, i'm going out for a smoke." I told my mom as I passed her in the living room.
"Alright." was all she said as i stepped out the back door and into the cold moonlit night. This wasn't how I'd planned on spending the last years of my childhood, an isolated nerd and pony fanatic with no real life outside the internet, but there was little i could do about it. I had no intentions of suicide, as I couldn't build up the courage to take that final step, and I couldn't survive very long on my own. I lit the future source of my cancer and sucked in the sweet sweet nicotene.
"At least i still got something worth living for." i muttered to myself as i looked at the small combination of paper, tobacco and so much else in between my fingers. "So small... and yet so deadly." i said with another sigh. I looked up to the full moon and allowed myself to crack a small smile. On nights such as this one, I would often look up to the moon and ask for help, hoping that somehow Luna could hear me. I asked her for many things. A way out of this wretched hell hole i called home. A way to ease my pain. Sometimes a simple conversation. But not tonight. Tonight i had already lost all hope in her ever hearing me, or ever responding if she did listen to my pleas. Tonight, i simply looked at the moon, and chuckled a little bit.
I found it funny. I found it funny how i never realized that, for all my attempts and thoughts, I never truly believed in her or her sister. "It's hard to tell if you have faith when you've never really had it before." I said to myself, still smoking and starring at the moon. I decided to make one last attempt to speak with the matron of the night. "Luna.... I know you probably can't hear me." I began, my vision completely fixated on the glowing orb of white in the dark blue sky. "But damn it, I'm gonna try anyway. I know I've asked you for so much already, but i just have.... one last request. One last plea. After this, you won't hear from me, and I won't bother you ever again." I said with a sad chuckle. I didn't have neighbors, so i didn't have to worry about anyone thinking i was crazy. I think one of them had been kicked out of their home after they'd gotten high(and i mean REALLY high) and started shooting at random people with a BB gun from his roof(true story). I'm not sure what happened to the other ones, but i never saw them. "All I ask for is a chance. A chance that I know I don't deserve. I know I'm just as corrupt and self serving as the next guy, but all I'm asking for..... Is a chance to be happy. I know there are people who have it worse than me, I know that there are thousands of people who deserve this chance far more than I do, and i get it if you don't want to help me out. But if you don't help me , at least help someone who deserves it, alright?" I said, finishing off my smoke and putting it out on the concrete. "That's all I have to say." i said as i stepped back inside. I walked back up to my room in silence, and opened up my laptop again.
"HI!"
"WHAT THE FUCK!!" I said when the voice came from my computer. It wasn't fully open yet, so it couldn't have been a video I left up. I finished opening up my laptop and, lo and behold, there was the cource of the voice. "Wait a minute....... Pinkie Pie?"
"Oh my gosh, you know my name? That's super-duper terrific, cause that saves me from having to tell it to you, and now we can just skip to the part where i ask your name, so whats your name?" she asked, talking a mile a minute. It took me a moment to soak in what was happening. Pinkie Pie..... Was in my screen. Starring at me with the broadest smile i'd ever seen. I reached out towards the screen to see if i could touch her.
And was thwarted by the computer screen. Fuck you fourth wall. Fuck you.
Well, after that i decided to just go along with what she was asking of me. "My name's Christian..... How-"
"Did I end in up your computer? Well that's easy, silly-willy-billy!" she exclaimed before making the same mistake I did, bumping her head on the other side of the screen. "Ow! Fourt wall, I thought we had an agreement!" she said before shaking her head a bit. "Anyway, I'm here Because princess Celestia told me that there was somepony who was all alone, all the time, and asked me to go make them happy, so here I am! Now, if this screen would just let me through." she said as she pushed her way through my computer screen, gettting caught about halfway through. "Un momento, mi amigo." she said, her hooves on my knees as she tried to pull herself through. I could only sit there in awe as she eventually came out with a loud pop! , landing right in my lap.
"Wait, what the fuck!? I'm sorry Pinkie but-"
"Uh uh uh, no buts young man!" she said, holding up a hoof to silence me, and i shut up. When Pinkie silences you, you shut the fuck up and listen. "You're damn right you shut up and listen!" she said, still smiling. How she could read my mind, i have no idea. "Anyway, now that I'm here, we can get down to business!" she said, pulling a cupcake out of nowhere and shoving it in my mouth. It must have had a sedetive in it, cause i soon just kinda blacked out, wondering why the hell Pinkie would roofie me.
And then i woke up. The room was dark. I sighed heavily. "Just a dream... It's always just a dream." I muttered to myself as i crawled out of bed to go find something to drink. I stumbled to the door and opened it, only to have my eyes flooded with light.
"SURPRISE!"
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never get drunk around ponies. it will only end in awkwardness and philisophical ramblings.
Well… lets just say it wasn’t what I expected. We went down to the armory, and I actually got a choice of what I wanted out of all the armor they had. And it would, of course, be humanified. I know that’s not a word. Deal with it. I seem to be saying that a lot. Oh well, continuing on. I picked the heaviest armor I could find that I could still move fairly well in. It kinda made me look like a human tank, but I was okay with that. I had a shoulder guard that almost went over my head, and boots that went over my knees. My gloves basically turned my hands into battering rams, and the chest piece was fucking bullet proof. Not even kidding, if you shot this damn thing, it would bounce the hell of, that’s how hard it was. The greaves were just as good, if not better. Which is a good thing, cuz it would suck to get hit in the nuts. It was all lined with fur, the metal black as night. The only thing missing was a helmet, which was a problem. Not for me though. It was a problem for the smith. “I’m telling’ ya lad, every suit of armor comes with a helmet, now put the damn thing on!” he was a very… angry stallion. The reason I didn’t want the helmet wasn’t so I’d look like a bad ass, which I like to think I would, but because I have glasses. Did I mention that earlier? I don’t think so. Either way, it would be uncomfortable as all hell.
“Mister Forgefire, I think he’ll be fine without it. Now, lets see about that enchantment miss Rarity was talking about.” said Luna, her horn lighting up, yet again. This time, my armor just kinda glowed for a moment. That was it.
“That’s it?”
“Yes. That’s it. Now, when you change, the armor should grow with you. I must say, if Discords armies aren’t frightened by the sight of you, they soon will be. Now, mister Forgefire, how’s the shield coming along?”
“Just fine, m’lady. It should be done by tomorrow, along with the blade.” well, I guess I will get some sleep today. Awesome.
“Well, you should get back to the others. I’m sure they’re waiting to see their dashing hero.” said Luna. I nodded And turned to walk away.
“Wait a minute… did she just call you dashing?” came the voice of Rage. There you are, old friend. I missed you.
“I do believe she did.” said Reason. Where the hell has he been all this time? Either way, I turned back to her.
“Did you just call me dashing?”
“Maaayyyyybe.” she said with a coy smile. Alright, it’s official. Luna is a bigger troll then Celestia. As far as I know, that is. I still have yet to meet her.
“Okay then, Trolluna, I’ll just be on my way then.” I said, trying soooo hard not to laugh my ass of. Luna on the other hand, wasn’t even trying, as she was now legitimately rolling on the floor laughing. I just smiled and walked away, back towards where the mane six were waiting. As soon as I stepped through the door, I heard a couple of them gasp. Rainbow whistled.
“Well now, that’s some mighty fine armor ya got there.” said Applejack, making me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I already felt all warm and fuzzy outside, because of the armor.
“Thanks Applejack. Lets hope it does its job.” I said, actually kinda nervous about the possibility of the armor not being able to stand up to something Discord throws at us. Then I realized that he might just completely mind fuck me into killing them….. Shit. I also realized that the question of “where am I?” was never answered. “So…. Where are we?”
“Oh, heh, guess I forgot to answer that, didn’t I?” asked Rainbow Dash, looking a bit sheepish. I laughed a little bit at the concept of a sheepish Rainbow Dash. “Well, right now, we’re at the royal palace. It’s the only place where Discord can’t get us.” at the mention of Discord, everypony gave me an evil look.
“Alright then….. Um, the rest of my stuff won’t be finished until tomorrow, so…. What now?” I asked. Which was a bad idea.
“WE THROW A SLUMBER PARTY!” yelled Pinkie. Yep. A very bad idea. I would have declined, but I really didn’t have much choice. At least I would have until they brought out a bottle of vodka and shot glasses. Let the games begin.
“Alrightalrightalrightalright… I know this one drinking game… called never have I ever…. It’s some fun shit…” I said… not gonna lie, I’m a complete lightweight, and was completely smashed at this point. I’m surprised I remember any of this. “They way it ya play it… is… um… uh… ya have one person say something they’ve never done, and then anyone who has done that has at take a drink! And we go around and around and around like that until someone passes out.” I said.
“Well what’ya do when they pass out?” asked an equally smashed Rainbow Dash. Hey, that kinda rhymed.. A lil’ bit. I laughed my ass off.
“YA DRAW ON THEIR FACE!!” I yelled, unable to control my laughter. Neither could anyone else. Except, of course, Fluttershy and Twilight, who weren’t drinking.
“I don’t get how this is supposed to be fun.” said Twilight, causing everyone(Except Fluttershy… if I remember right she was sleeping at this point.) to laugh some more.
“I’s fun cauz we dra on the’r faces!” said Applejack, obviously eager to begin. “Alrigh, alright. Ah’ll go first. Never have ah ever….. Give me a minute… got it! Never have ah ever played this game before!” she said. Damn it, she got me. I took a drink, as did everpony else who was playing. Then it went to Rainbow.
“Never have I ever…….. Kissed a mare.”
“Ah’m callin’ ya out on that, ya liar!” yelled Applejack at Rainbow’s confession of straightness.
“I was drunk that night! It doesn’t count!” she said, to which we all agreed. The only pony in the circle who drank that time was Rarity… which didn’t really surprise me. “You’ve never kissed a mare Christian?” well. That wasn’t a question I ever expected to answer.
“Nope. An-” I was cut off, which seems to be a theme around here, by getting tackled by Rainbow. I was confused at first, but then she put her lips to mine and shoved her tongue down my throat. I was in to much shock to know what to do for a moment. As soon as the shock faded, I pushed her away, turned, and puked again. I know some of you out there would’ve let it happen, or even kissed her back, but not me. At least not as a human. Now if Twilight turned me into a pony, that would be a different story, cuz then it wouldn’t be bestiality. Where was I? oh yeah, puking.
“Well, now tha’s just rude. If ya didn’ wanna kiss her, fine, ah can understand that, but pukin’?” said Applejack, slurring every word that came out of her mouth. They didn’t understand that it was wrong.
“On so many levels… that was just wrong…. You have no idea.” I said, as soon as I finished throwing up all my vodka. And it was good vodka to. I looked behind me to see a very hurt looking Rainbow, a VERY angry Applejack, a not smiling Pinkie(which, let me tell ya, was scary as all hell.) and a puking Rarity. Maybe she understood how wrong that was. “Alright, this is gonna take some explaining. Where I’m from, a human doing…. Well, anything like that with something that isn’t human is frowned upon. Highly. Like spend a night or two in jail, and be shunned by anyone who knows highly. So yeah. It’s nothin’ personal, it’s just…. Wrong.” I said, hoping that would make them less angry with me. It backfired. Applejack looked like she was ‘bout ready to kill me, Rainbow was lookin’ kinda pissed, Pinkie was missing, which scared me, and a passed out Rarity. I was so uncomfortable, you could have hit me with a brick, and I’d thank you and ask for another.
“So you’re sayin’ that jus’ because I’m not human, I ain’t good enough for you?” said Rainbow after dinking a few more shots, breaking the awkward silence that had built up while I was explaining the scene to you. No matter how I answered that question, I was screwed. So I tried my best to screw myself over as little as possible.
“No, no, no, you’ve got it all wrong. Basically, what I’m saying is it’s just… weird. Even if I was a pony and you were a human, it would just be wrong. Throw in the fact that you’re drunk off your ass, and it’s un-ethical to.” I said, trying to wiggle my way out of the situation I placed myself in. “My question for you, is why did you kiss me? Seriously.”
“Well, you said you’d never kissed a mare, so I figured I would…..” she said…. I sighed the heaviest sigh of my life. And that’s saying something.
“A mare, yeah, until you kissed me that was true. Human females aren’t called mares. They’re called women, or girls. I’ve kissed a few of them.” I said. I was annoyed as hell at the fact that she just assumed something like that. Then again, she was drunk, so she had an excuse. “Now, if you don’t mind, I’d like to forget that just happened. Pinkie you’re up.” I said. The whole getting mouth raped by Rainbow Dash and throwing up thing was a sobering experience, and I wanted to get shit faced again.
“Alright then! Hmmmmm…. Never have I ever….. Hmmm… you really need to think this stuff through before you type, ya know that?” she asked, looking at me. I wasn’t even going to ask. It’s official, Pinkie can indeed break the fourth wall. “Anyway, never have I ever read a clopfic!” she said. Got me again. I had to drink. Everypony else was to confused.
“What’s a clopfic, Pinkie?” Rainbow Dash asked. When Pinkie leaned in to whisper in her ear, I knew I was fucked. “SO YOU’LL READ STUFF LIKE THAT, BUT KISSING ME IS WRONG!?” she yelled. She was fuckin’ pissed.
“Woah woah woah, I didn’t say I read them on a daily basis! I read one, out of curiosity. Never again.” I said, still shuddering at the memory. The things people come up with.
“Alright, this ah gotta hear. Hit me Pinkie.” Applejack said, and received the same information. This time, she puked. “What kinda sick, twisted mind writes stuff like that fer fun?” she asked when she was done.
“Not me, that I assure you.” I said, which was completely true. Never written one before in my life. Rainbow didn’t seem convinced though.
“So, what, because I’m not all freaky like the ponies in those stories, you’re not into me!? Is that it!?” well, it seemed even honesty wasn’t going to get me out of this.
“I can’t answer that and not make you feel like shit or think I’m lying at the same time, Rainbow! If I say yes, I am lying, and then you either feel like shit, or try to pull some crazy ass shit, if I say no, you call me a liar, and keep on ranting! Twilight, ya gotta help me out here!” I looked at her with my best puppy dog eyes. They obviously weren’t that good, cuz all she did was shrug.
“Oh, are you into her instead!? Is that it!?” is there no end to this? Actually, there is. I think.
“If it was, I would have just said so. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to drink myself into unconsciousness.” I said as I grabbed a bottle of vodka, and began to chug. Eventually the bottle was gone, and I was still standing. “Alright…. What the fuck just happened? Why am I still awake?” I asked. I was confused out of my damn mind. Usually half a bottle did the trick.
“Well, I have heard that werewolves have increased tolerance to alcohol and the like.” said Twilight.
“Then why the hell was I drunk earlier?” I asked, then I looked around to see quite a few empty bottles. Now I know why Rarity passed out. “Oh.” I said, just kinda sitting back down. Wait… when did I stand up? Oh, who cares? Anyway, I sat back down, a little disappointed, and very uncomfortable at the fact that Rainbow was still pissed. “sooo, umm, it was my turn, right? Right. Anyways, never have I ever…” I contemplated what to say next. I didn’t want Rainbow getting any ideas, so I decided against mentioning I’m a virgin(yeah… like I said earlier, I‘m better with the mares than the ladies, which is fucked up.). Aha! Got one. “cheated on my girlfriend, when I had one.” I said, glad I avoided a potential disaster. Nopony drank. And Applejack was up next.
“never have ah ever…. Hmmm. Ah think ah’m runnin’ outta’ stuff…. GOT IT! Never have ah ever told a lie, while in mah right mind.” she said. Confound these ponies, they drive me to drink. Well, that time, Applejack was the only one who didn’t drink(except Rarity, she was still out cold.).
“Alright, I think this game is getting a little….. Awkward.” I said. Everyone was giving me evil looks. “So I think I’m going to call it a night.”
“First off, why don’t you tell me who you’ve lied to?”. all I want is to go to bed at this point, but nnnoooo, Rainbow Dash has to keep asking questions, and accusing me of random bull shit.
“Well, it’d be easier to tell you who I haven’t lied to, then to tell you who I have, so I‘m gonna do that. I haven’t lied to any of you. That’s about it. I’ve lied to everyone else I know.” I said, now expecting to have to give a lecture on human nature.
“Now, why would ya do that? Honesty is the best policy, after all.” said the element of honesty. How many times have I sighed so far? I don’t know, but I did it again.
“It’s human nature, self preservation, if believe we can profit from it, odds are we’ll do it. You could think of the most horrible thing a pony could possibly do, and odds are a human has done it, and enjoyed it.” I said. Now, I don’t like giving these lectures, but every now and again, I kinda forget myself and go off on a rant. This is one of those times. “humanity, by it‘s very nature, is greedy, violent and hateful. We come into the world, kicking and screaming, we get what we want by any means necessary, including theft, murder, bribery, torture, and so on, and then we go to our graves, more often than not, kicking and screaming as someone spills our guts on the floor for all to see. We kill millions, just because they don’t share our beliefs, or because they got in the way. I lived in a world where a man would scold his son for getting into a fight in school, but tell him how proud he is years later when he gets shipped away to kill people for a living. The way I see it, humanity is sick, and there’s only one cure.” I said, trailing off a bit. I tend to do that when I realize I’ve been rambling.
“And what’s that?” asked Twilight. She looked scared, and I knew why. I don’t know if she saw where I was going with this, but she was scared of humanity now. She didn’t want to learn anymore about us.
“A bullet to the head.”
A/N: alright, i've been getting a few people saying they can't see the pictures, hopefully you can now, if not let me know, and i'll se what i can do. alright, ya know what, screw it. this is getting to confusing, so i'm just gonna give you guys links to the pictures instead, so much easier that way.
And that's why i'm writing this.... with my mouth. you have any idea how hard this is? no, you don't, because you still have hands. anyway, it's been about three years since that day, and me an Rainbow have settled down. full moons are still annoying, but Luna tells me ahead of time, so i can just go hang out in the woods until sun rise. the twins keep asking me why i have to go away those nights, and i have to tell them it's because i have to work. speaking of work, i got a pretty well paying job as a member of Celestia's personal guard. What are the odds, eh? so yeah, that's it. the tale of Moonlight Blade. I have to go now, their going at it again. "Hey! Moonlit Dash, how many times do i have to tell you, stop pulling your sisters hair! Honey? Could you put those pictures of me and the kids in there for me while i handle this?"
"Alright, well, while my husband is taking care of the twins, i guess i have to post the pictures. here ya go. now i'm going to go help him before they break something."
This is our son, Moonlit Dash.
And here's our daughter Midnight Rainbow.
And here i am, the father of those two little rascals. now, my times up for right now, Dashies yellin' at me for not helpin' out. later.
A/N: alright everypony, this is a preview of one of the two, that's right, two, sequels i will be writing for this story. this specific one begins where the story left off with the sad epilogue. on a side note, if anyone wants me to use one of their OC's in either sequel, just let me know in the comments or via private message, let me know the details, and i'll see what i can do. Enjoy!
This was it….. My final moments… again. I had lost everything. Everything I cared about, taken away from me in a single moment. Three years of therapy and drinking couldn’t take away the pain…. But I knew one thing that could. A bullet was an amazingly simple thing…. So small… and yet.. So deadly. I hadn’t used a gun the first time, because I knew my parents would want an open casket funeral. But this time? I didn’t give a shit about what anyone else wanted. Not anymore. Every full moon, I turned into a ravenous monster, who killed and ate without a care in the world…. And I didn’t care. I had been waiting for the day the guards would finally put an end to me, but they never could. There were occasionally blue moons, and I would still go on a rampage, tearing ponies limb from fucking limb until the guards showed up. I wasn’t gonna let them kill me, though. Fuck no was I gonna do that. Even when I didn’t try, they couldn’t kill me. Oh well, I’d do what they never could… but an end to this beast…. Or at least that’s what I thought I’d do. I had a flintlock pistol(because they have fucking TV’s, but they can’t make god damn semi-auto. Like that makes a shit ton of sense.) and I rammed it under my jaw. Yeah, I rammed it. You know why? Because I didn’t give a fuck. Anyway.. I pulled the trigger… only to be met with a loud click! … which pissed me off. “Fucking miss-fire.” I grumbled to myself.
“It might work better if you put it to your temple. The gun powder tends to pour out unless you’re holding it level.”
“Oh yeah. Thanks……” I said, before I realized someone else was in my house. I quickly turned to see, standing in the middle of my living room…. Discord. Yeah. He’s back from the dead.
