Chapters Untitled Displaced Fanfiction
One day, Jonah Crumble was driving his convertible while listening to Sicko Mode by Travis Scott. Jonah was on his way to the comics store to buy All-Star Batman and Robin by Frank Miller. Jonah was a big Miller fan. The comics store owner was a rabid brony who dressed as Applejack and painted her skin yellow. The cutie mark was crudely painted on the side of her left asscheek.
"Howdy pardner!" she exclaimed as Jonah stepped in.
Jonah smiled at her condescendingly.
"One ASBAR, please!" said Jonah.
The comics store owner obliged. Jonah then got sucked into Equestria.
Jonah woke up in a cafe owned by a plump old cartoon mare and a hyperactive pink thing. He screamed in horror and shot both creatures with his glock. He then ran away but was utterly demolished when he saw a crowd of brightly coloured talking ponies.
Jonah was on trial for having killed two ponies and was found guilty. He was too busy crying and attempting suicide to put up a compelling defence. Before he was sent to the moon, he whipped out his glock and killed Celestia. Unicorns tried to disarm him but their magic didn't work on the glock's mighty engineering. Jonah then struck a crucifixion pose before shooting the Unicorns. Earth ponies tried to rush him but he simply shot them in the head. He also pulled headshots on some royal guards. Pegasi tried to swoop from above but Jonah simply shot off their wings, condemning them to a life on ground. He then shot Luna for good measure. After this display of power, he cried:
Jonah made an exceptionally good tyrant. He taxed the people excessively, stole the wives from their husbands and executed loyal men on a whim. After 3 months of exceptionally wet and spherical parties garnished with the wine of youth, in rode an evil clipe who wanted to end Jonah's reign. Her name was Twilight Sparkle.
"JC! Catch!" cried Marrow. Marrow was one of the few ponies Jonah could never bring himself to execute. He caught the magazine she had thrown at him and quickly disposed of several rebels. The Gods themselves had sent down monsters to defeat Jonah but he simply capped them. Melchior was the inventor of the bullet but the ponies were too peace-loving race for it to catch on. Now, Melchior was a very rich Stallion. Even now, ponies refused to use the weapon of their enemies. They instead attempted to use Guerilla tactics, magic and flick knives to bring down Jonah's empire. Cute. Jonah wiped out the entire rebellion in 3 hours.
"I knew you could do it, master!" said Marrow.
She and Jonah then snuggled.
"This age of repression and freedom must come to an end. It is time to go sicko mode on this kingdom." announced Jonah.
Twilight Sparkle sat plotting in her lair.
"Drat! All my soldiers were killed! I bet that bastard is out there re-instating freedom of speech or making propaganda films!" she muttered to herself.
She knew it was coming. Ponies would have to use guns.
Jonah was busy filming a pornographic propaganda film when Marrow came up and informed him that due to famine, half the population was dead. Jonah smiled.
"Soon, the rest of those smiling, happy bastards will buy it!" said Jonah.
"Then who the fuck are you making the propaganda film for?" said Marrow.
"The ponies I deem worthy enough to live with me in my bunker once the nuclear holocaust comes." said Jonah.
Jonah and Marrow then had sexual intercourse. This was later included in the propaganda film, with Marrow's permission. Jonah then wrote a letter to all members of the Mane Six inviting them to live at his palace.
Twilight appeared and Jonah was all like:
"Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh,boyyyyy!"
And he jumped down from his golden throne and landed on a rug made from DIscord's corpse. Twilight stared ahead with eyes of quartz. Applejack feigned respect but could barely conceal her anger. Rarity simply looked at Jonah with tears in her eyes. Fluttershy wore a dead expression. Rainbow Dash couldn't make eye contact with Jonah. Pinkie Pie was still in shock from the resurrection magic. Death was cheap in Ponyville.
"Hey, have you guys heard Travis Scott's seminal classic, Sicko Mode ?" said Jonah.
"No! Stop fucking with us! Go back to your own world and stay there! Leave our homeland! All you humans ever do is ruin things!" ranted Twilight.
"I'm sure you'll all soon be converted to my point of view!" said Jonah before summoning his guards to forcibly frog march the ponies into their rooms.
Jonah had used the magical mirror that lead to an alternate human world where everyone was brightly coloured and got his team of magical intellectuals to tune it to his world. He could have theoretically gone back but who the hell would trade being king for normality? All of his friends were pawns that he used to satiate certain needs but ponies were so much better. More human than human. He stepped back into his room and grabbed his weed and vinyl copy of Astroworld . It seemed that by now, someone had bought his house. He quickly found them in his kitchen. They jumped out of their chair in shock and fear before Jonah shot him. He then escaped back into Ponyville. He asked his servants to put Sicko Mode on the sound system. They obliged. After being exposed to Sicko Mode in its entirety, the ponies shed their misanthropic views and realised the beauty of egoism, nihilism and humanity. Jonah cackled with glee. He had brainwashed them into being his own personal soldiers/harem/muses. Awesome. Then, for fun, he cut out one of his servant's lungs and ate them with a side of chips. After that, he did a cute little painting of Pinkie Pie and Marrow having sex. He then popped back to his place again so he could move his Blu-Ray collection back into his palace.
To Be Continued....
Untitled Displaced Fanfiction
Jonah addressed his new slaves/soldiers/muses/free men/nobles/gentry/friends.
“Hello.” he said to the Mane Six.
They gratefully nuzzled against his body in a vaguely sexual manner. Jonah was taken aback by this and began to cry.
“Why? Why?” he screamed.
He violently kicked a table.
“Don’t do that again! Ever!” Jonah cried.
The Mane Six simply stood back in stunned silence. Jonah began to breathe heavily.
“Pose nude for me, Twilight.” he said.
“GET ME MY GODDAMNED EASEL, CANVAS AND OTHER ASSORTED ART SUPPLIES!” he then screamed to his servants.
Both Twilight and his servants obliged. Jonah then did a nude painting of Twilight.
“You are going to fight a war for me.” said Jonah to the Mane Six “A war against sin.”
Pinkie’s power armour scraped and creaked from the recoil of her minigun. Corpses lay bleeding all over the land. No more degenerate than Jonah or his associates. Those who were worthy were bunged into the worthy-bin installed on the crotch of these hulking exosuits. No resurrection magic for them. The end was coming.
“Found another instance of PDA!” announced Marrow.
“Slot the lovebirds into the bin.” said Applejack, fantasising about eating an apple pie to the quick-fire rhymes of Jaden Smith.
Meanwhile, Jonah was busy being nailed onto an upside-down crucifix. Such was life.
He had graduated some of his slaves to princesses and he was instantly regretting it. All would be equal in the bunker and in the New Equestria.
To Be Continued...
Untitled Displaced Fanfiction
Luna descended from the Heavens and cast a ray of destructive light onto Jonah's palace. It was deflected by a shield created through the combined magical efforts of Rarity and Twilight. Luna then delivered an ultimatum.
"I pride myself on taking the destructive option only when I have to. You have irreversibly brainwashed my loyal subjects and dear friends. Either you agree to be executed or I will summon an even more powerful beam that will not only destroy this palace and all of its wretched inhabitants, but the surrounding area that has been littered with corpses."
"EVIL BITCH!" screamed Jonah, spittle exploding from his mouth.
"Don't do it, boss!" said Marrow "I'd kill myself without you!"
Jonah wanted to make a world where emotion was king. Shame was a construct used to obstruct art from being made. An indirect form of censorship. One should always be open with your emotions and ideas even if they result in you getting literally crucified. To do otherwise would be moral cowardice. According to him, at least. As such, he rescued the ponies without shame and killed the ones that could not be de-shamed. Why would he leave the worthy ones under the rule of that caused them to be so incapable of original thought? Their inherent innocence would guide them.
He stepped outside to meet Luna.
"So you have a degree of honour after all! I'll ensure your death is nice and quick." she said as she charged up her magical beam.
Jonah then shot her with his glock, causing her to fall to the ground severly injured. He then untaped the two glocks from the fireaxe and chopped off Luna's head. He then headed into his room of well-paid, well-fed magical intellectuals and callously threw Luna's head onto the main table.
"Find me a way to use this thing as an orbital weapon! I want to destroy the rest of Ponyville!" said Jonah.
Melchior cackled maniacally. Jonah began to wonder if ponies truly had inherent innocence or if Melchior was just that fucked up.
Cthulu then sprung up from the area outside the palace and challenged Jonah to a rematch. Jonah went out to meet Cthulu. Cthulu then immediately impaled Jonah on a spike arm tentacle thing. Seeing this, Marrow killed herself rather than be without her precious liege.
"How could you?" shrieked Jonah as he gargled blood. He then shot Cthulu with is glock, causing his wounds to heal themselves.
To Be Continued...
Untitled Displaced Fanfiction
The Diamond Dogs started threatening Jonah's associates.
"While I appreciate your lack of shame, if your desires were realised you would be infringing on my associates' freedoms. Thus, I must humbly request you to stop." said Jonah.
"Sorry, mate, but we really want to make your ponies our slaves and beat them and stuff." said one of the Diamond Dogs.
"Then it appears we are at an impasse. I guess we should fight to the death." said Jonah.
"Sure." said the Diamond Dogs in unison.
Jonah chuckled. Them all doing that in unison was vaguely amusing in a way he didn't think they intended. He then whistled for one of his servants to throw him a flamethrower and he burnt the Diamond Dogs to a crisp. This was somewhat reckless as he could easily have burnt the palace and its inhabitants along with them. He didn't but that was purely down to blind luck than any skill at handling a flamethrower on Jonah's part. He may have been good with a glock (superhumanly good) but with other weapons, he handled them as well as you could expect a rich stockbroker who threw his first punch at the age of 21 and barely experienced any conflict would. As in, not well. The hot dogs then ran outside, screaming like the wieners they were.
"Why did you come here? And why did you stay?" asked Twilight.
"Humankind as a whole has a tendency toward sadism. It seemed long ago that we had a kind of innocence and faith handed down from generations. By a long time, I mean millions of years ago, when Gilgamesh was still around and Gods existed. I stayed here because I liked being near something so pure. I gained a perverse joy in corrupting it. I am evil." said Jonah.
"Yes, you are. But you've also crossed lines for your moral principles, however arbitrary and dumb they may be. Most people can only dream of that kind of bravery." replied Twilight "And besides, I'm evil too. I stood by while you slaughtered hundreds of Equestrians simply for being too prudish or censorious for your tastes."
"A nuclear disaster is coming. If this dimension exists, then that means what that crazy Applejack cosplaying comic book store owner told me was true. The US army did travel back in time in order to trap humanity's innocence in a pocket dimension and create war. Ponies are a result of that." said Jonah.
"Wow. That sounds really fucking dumb." said Twilight "Why would the US military do that?"
"To ensure their own existence." said Jonah.
Suddenly, a US helicopter backed up by several spaceships and Garfield arrived outside the palace.
"HELLO!" screamed General Thurber through a megaphone "I SEE YOU'RE HAVING A NICE TIME PLAYING EVIL OVERLORD TO A BUNCH OF SIMPERING, EMOTIONALLY WEAK PONIES! SORRY TO RUIN YOUR FUN BUT WE HAVE A LOT OF VERY IMPATIENT INVESTORS AND THE ILLUMINATI ON OUR BACK SO WE'RE JUST GONNA NUKE THE SHIT OUT OF EQUESTRIA!"
"SORRY! I CAN'T HEAR YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE SO FAR AWAY AND THE BLADES OF YOUR HELICOPTER ARE KINDA LOUD!" Jonah screamed back.
Thurber then put a megaphone on his megaphone and repeated his message. He then brought Ron Paul and Bernie Sanders onto the helicopter's bridge.
"AND TO SHOW YOU WE MEAN FUCKING BUSINESS, I'M GOING TO SHOOT BERNIE SANDERS AND RON PAUL!" screamed General Thurber.
"We couldn't stop them! They forced our hand! You have to believe us!" said Ron Paul.
"Yeah! We're actually big fans of MLP!" said Bernie Sanders before cramming a spoonful of Ben and Jerry's into his mouth.
"Being a sell-out taste good, huh?" said Ron.
"Shut up, creationist!" said Bernie in reply.
Thurber then shot the two of them in the head.
"OK." said Jonah "Destroying the environment? Cool. Poisoning our water and food with mind-slowing chemicals to make us more docile? Understandable. Spreading lies through the media in order to spread hatred and divide the country? Makes sense. But shooting Ron Paul and Bernie Sanders? THAT'S A STEP TOO FAR, BUDDY! "
"I don't actually know who any of these people are or why I should care." said Rarity.
Melchior then stepped out of the palace gates.
"Obama?" gasped Thurber.
To Be Continued...
Untitled Displaced Fanfiction
Thurber then immediately blew Melchior's head into chunks. Everyone was covered in his blood. Jonah whistled for a bazooka but nothing came because the servants were too busy crying in the fetal position. Jonah then shot Thurber with his trusty glock from an impossible distance. It only kneecapped him.
"Aaaargh!" ejaculated Thurber "Fuck!"
Meanwhile, there was a pony named Bubbles who had been inspired by Jonah. She had seen him transform Equestria and get rid of all the people who made fun of her. No longer was she going to simply take people's shit. She was going to set the world right along with Jonah. She got onto a really cool Harley Davidson which was previously owned by Discord. She rode the motor-bicycle onto the scene, did a kick-flip off of a corpse and traveled through the air all the way onto the helicopter's bridge. She then crushed Thurber's head under the weight of the Harley's wheel. Bits of brain got stuck to it. Bubbles then did a pop-shuvit thing with a 360 twist in an attempt to get back on the ground safely but she landed on her head and immediately died. This moved Jonah to tears. Pinkie Pie tried to comfort him, saying that the nuclear heat death won't be that painful and that pony lives were short anyway but this had no effect on him. He rushed into the palace, burst into his room full of useless intellectuals and grabbed the Nightmare Moon head. He aimed it at the helicopter squad, who were prepping their nukes and unleashed Nightmare Moon's power onto the squadron causing them to fall from the sky and crush many innocent ponies who were in hiding.
"Heh! Good work! I didn't think you'd get this far!" sneered Garfield, immune to the effects of Nightmare Moon's magic.
Applejack then got into some power armour and jumped all the way to where Garfield was floating and slam-dunked an apple into his mouth.
"Oh shit! I've ingested food that isn't lasagna!" cried Garfield.
He promptly exploded.
Jonah smiled from within his bunker. Garfield may have been powerful but his explosion would incur less damage than a series of nukes made by the US military. He wanted Ponyville cleansed , not destroyed. And besides, it was inevitable. The US is always backed by Garfield. Afghanistan, Iraq, Germany. All had Garfield in the support lines. Like Doctor Manhattan but way weaker and a cat. Fluttershy then angrily turned toward Jonah.
"You monster!" she cried, slapping Jonah with her hoof with such force that he hit the bunker's wall.
Jonah chuckled and gasped one last series of sentences:
"There's free weed, ketamine and LSD in the mini-bar. I am a monster. Don't worry, Fluttershy. We'll sort this all out. I'll pay for my crimes. In Shibuya. Take care of yourselves and make a better society than what came before. A more open-minded one. One that's less naive and more kind."
He then died.
One thousand years later, in Shibuya, the mane six met with human bodies. They knew what had come to pass. They were met with a man who wore the garb of a priest.
"I was force to go along with your game, but now I am free!" screamed Fluttershy, and she lopped off Jonah's head with a giant scythe.
Fluttershy then cradled the head and cried. Rainbow Dash then bent down and whispered something in her ear.
"What have you done?"
The End
Untitled Displaced Fanfiction
King Jonah was busy watching Halloween II by Rob Zombie on his portable Blu-Ray player when Marrow knocked and asked if Jonah could be bothered meeting some subjects.
"Sure." said Jonah.
He walked down the platinum steps in his gold slippers and saw before him three starving ponies.
"Please, sir! Can we have some food for our village! We are hungry and don't want to die" said the middle one.
"Alright!" said King Jonah before whispering in Marrow's ear.
She nodded approvingly.
"Finger Marrow's poo-poo hole. Each time you do it successfully, you get a third of a chicken. If all three of you d it successfully, you get a whole chicken." said King Jonah.
The three ponies obliged with gusto and soon they had six chickens to take back to their village. That means they fingered her butthole 18 times. In rotation of course. Jonah wasn't an animal. After having exercised his righteous will over the populace once again, Jonah did a little jig. And then Cthulu popped out of the broom closet.
Jonah screamed in terror and ran away. His loyal and brave servant Marrow was also scared away. That was how spooky Cthulu was.
Jonah couldn't figure out what to do! He taped his glock to a fireaxe and then taped that fireaxe to another glock that Melchior made for shits and giggles. With his ultimate weapon, Jonah headed out into the now dark and foreboding palace. Cthulu jumped out and tried to drive him insane but Jonah simply whacked him in the face with his ultimate weapon and shot him with both glocks before decapitating Cthulu.
Jonah breathed a sigh of relief as the lights in the palace turned back on. Marrow staggered back up to him, shivering.
"Is it over?" she said.
"Get me those ponies who fingered your butthole." said Jonah, curtly "They are worthy enough to live in the palace and hide in the bunker with us. In life,you must take what you need, even if it means fingering ponies in the butthole."
"Right away, sir." said Marrow.
To Be Continued...
