Chapters Cards Against the Princesses
Dappled light shone down through the clouds on Canterlot Castle as Princess Luna exercised her magic, guiding the moon up into the night sky. Satisfied that all was well, Luna nodded to herself and turned from the balcony, stepping into the cool darkness of her personal chambers. Pausing only to grab a small box from her dresser, the princess of the night left her room, closed the door behind her, and set off through the corridors of the castle.
A few minutes later she arrived at a small door in one of the tallest spires. The guards saluted and opened the door for her, revealing a brightly-lit room that rang with laughter. Four over-sized cushions had been laid out on the floor, surrounding a buffet spread that contained foods of every variety, from fritters and pies to elegant cakes and hors d’ouerves. Three of the cushions were each occupied by a different pony princess.
“Luna! We were wondering when you were going to arrive,” Princess Celestia called.
“My apologies,” Luna replied as she entered the room, the guards closing the door silently behind her. “I had to collect something from my personal quarters.”
Twilight perked up at that, “Oh! Is it that game you borrowed from Trixie?”
Luna nodded and levitated the little black box into the middle of the group, “Indeed, the one that came from the world through the mirror. Supposedly it is a game meant to be played only with the closest of friends.”
“Cards Against Equestria: A party game for horrible ponies,” Cadence read out. “That sounds… ominous, somehow.”
“It sounds interesting,” Celestia cut in, giving the box an intrigued look. She glanced eagerly at the others, “Well? We’re all friends aren’t we? Shall we give it a go?” The others quickly assented, prompting an excited squeal from Celestia as she clapped her hooves together, “I haven’t played a game with friends like this since I was a little filly!”
“I’ll get the instructions!” Twilight called out to nopony’s surprise, swiftly removing the lid from the box with her magic and pulling out a small pamphlet. She cleared her throat before opening the pamphlet with a flourish, “Basic Rules. To start the game, each player draws ten white cards. The player who most recently p-”
An odd spluttering sound came from the youngest princess as her recitation came to an abrupt end. She squinted at the rules for a moment, closed the pamphlet, opened it again and re-read the rules, then slammed it closed again. This repeated several times, a blush slowly creeping into Twilight’s cheeks as her opening and closing got more and more violent.
“Er, Twilight? Is something wrong?” Celestia asked, raising an eyebrow.
“Let me see,” Cadence said as she got up and walked around to look over Twilight’s shoulder. As soon as she read the rules she clamped a hoof over her mouth and let out a shocked laugh, “Oh, wow . Okay, that is amazing and you have to read it out!”
“What is it?” Luna asked, taking a sip of tea.
Twilight cleared her throat, her blush slowly growing brighter and deeper, and spoke in a quavering voice, “The player who most recently p-pooed begins as the Card Princess and draws a black card.”
Luna snorted, instantly regretting her choice of hot drink as a small fountain of it sprayed from her nostrils and sent her into a coughing fit.
“What a curious rule,” Celestia said mildly, as if she were merely commenting on the weather. “I suppose that makes me the Card Princess.”
Cadence smirked behind her hoof, “Not that I’m trying to compete, but, um, how do you know that you’re the last one who… went ?”
“Because I went just before I came here,” Celestia responded simply, taking a dainty sip of her tea before continuing, “Luna goes as soon as she wakes up in the evening like clockwork-”
“Thank you so much for sharing that, sister.”
“- and since neither you nor Twilight have left the room since I arrived, that makes me the most recent. That means we can just take our turns in age order, too.”
Cadence dipped her head, conceding the point, “Fair enough, Auntie is the Card Princess. What’s next, Twilight?” Twilight didn’t respond. Her face seemed to be locked in an expression of mixed horror and shame. “Um, Twilight?” Cadence prodded her gently, “Are you okay?”
“Hm, what?” Twilight said a little too loudly, coming back to reality with a snap, “Oh, yes! Yes, I’m fine! Everything’s fine! Just a few friends, talking about bowel movements. Because that’s a thing! That friends do!” Her expression slowly morphed into a more natural look of resignation, “At least, Applejack and Rainbow Dash do. Whenever they have burritos.”
Cadence winced sympathetically as her little sister-in-law let out a dejected sigh, “Why don’t you just carry on with reading out the rules, that always makes you feel better.”
“You’re right. Thanks, Cadence,” Twilight said gratefully, already forgetting that it was reading said rules that put her in this position in the first place. “As I was saying, the Card Princess draws a black card, then reads the question or fill-in-the-blank phrase on the black card out loud. Everypony else answer the question or fills in the blank by passing one white card, face down, to the Card Princess.”
“This game appears simple enough so far,” Luna noted, dabbing her nose with a napkin to remove the last of the tea.
Twilight nodded before continuing, “The Card Princess then shuffles all the answers and reads each card combination out loud to the group. The Card Princess should re-read the black card before presenting each answer. Finally, the Card Princess picks the funniest play, and whoever submitted it gets one point. After the round, a new player becomes the Card Princess and everypony draws back up to ten white cards.”
“So it’s a competition to make each other laugh,” Celestia mused. “This sounds fun!” she cried out brightly.
“I agree, this game sounds most entertaining,” Luna chimed in.
“How does the game end?” Cadence asked.
“According to Miss Lulamoon, when I finally found her, she and her friends played for ten rounds,” Luna replied. “I believe that number should suffice for our little group as well.”
Twilight nodded her agreement, “Alright. First of all, we each have to draw ten white cards.”
Four horns lit up in unison as each princess drew their cards from the box. A few seconds later four expressions changed very rapidly. Cadence gasped in a way that was both scandalized and amused. Twilight just froze, her cheeks instantly ablaze and her eyes practically bugging out of their sockets.
Luna cocked her head to the side, frowning slightly, “This seems somewhat… dark?”
“M-maybe we should give this a miss?” Twilight asked hopefully, dragging her mind out of its stunned stupor. “What do you think Celes…ti…a…” Her mind stalled again as she looked to her mentor.
Celestia had the biggest, creepiest grin on her face that anypony had ever seen on a creature that wasn’t Chrysalis. At least, almost anypony.
“Aaand Creeplestia is back,” Luna muttered darkly. “It has been over a thousand years since I last laid eyes upon that expression.”
A faint blush graced Celestia’s cheeks at that, “Yes, well, at least the circumstances this time are vastly different.”
Twilight raised a hoof, “Uh, what exactly is Luna talking about?”
“There are some things you do not wish to learn, Twilight Sparkle,” Luna replied quickly. “Please, let us, er…” she glanced distastefully down at her cards, “…continue .”
Grimacing down at her cards, Twilight raised her hoof once again, “Um, are we sure we want to play this? I can always find something that’s a little more… not like this?”
Celestia laughed brightly, “Come now, Twilight, I’m sure it will be fun. Let’s all loosen up a little, hm?”
Twilight sighed, unwilling to quash her mentor and friend’s good mood. “Fine.” She decided not to mention that she intended to have some very strong words with Starlight when she got back home.
Away in Sire’s Hollow, while tidying (destroying) the emo-fest abomination that was her old room, Starlight felt a sudden chill run down her spine, one that had nothing to do with either the fake skulls on the walls or her incredibly overly-happy father grinning at her from the corner.
Back in Canterlot, Celestia hummed as she eyed her cards, “So, as the first Card Princess, that means I have to ask the first question, correct?”
“That’s right,” Twilight replied nervously.
“Very well.” Levitating a black card in her magic, Celestia frowned for a moment, “Oh? This question has two blank spaces? I assume this means we pick two answers?”
Twilight frowned, then dove back into the rulebook. After a quick scan she nodded, “Correct. To answer a Pick 2 card each player plays two white cards in combination. Arrange them in the order that the Card Princess should read them. Play the first card face down, and then play the second card face down on top of it.”
Luna raised a curious eyebrow, “Will that not make shuffling the answers difficult?”
Twilight hummed as she thought, “I could modify a random teleportation spell so that it switches the places of each set of cards?”
“It’s certainly possible but…” Celestia smiled and shook her head, “I think it would be more interesting if we knew who was playing what, wouldn’t you?”
Twilight’s expression screamed otherwise, but her shoulders slumped as she caved, “I suppose.”
Giving her mane a quick shake, Celestia drew herself up and loudly read out, “Introducing the amazing superhero/sidekick duo! It’s blank and blank!”
Twilight let out a quiet sigh of relief, “Phew, that’s not so bad.”
“Indeed, it does seem rather tame compared to some of these cards,” Luna agreed. “Though, let us not forget that it is these selfsame cards we shall be using to answer the question.”
“…good point.”
Celestia watched with barely concealed impatience as her three compeers shuffled through their answers and, slowly, placed their selections in front of her. Once all of the answers were ready she clapped her hooves together in excitement and picked up the first pair, “Luna’s first, I think.” As she read the cards, her expression quickly shifted from excited to utterly baffled. “I… er… Introducing the amazing superhero/sidekick duo! It’s Flash Magnus and Grandma!”
Twilight and Cadence shared an equally confused look, but Luna chuckled softly into her hoof. “Care to explain what is so amusing, Luna?” Celestia asked.
Luna grinned at her, “Can you imagine Grandmother meeting Flash Magnus?”
Celestia groaned and shook her head as realization hit. Seeing the curious looks Cadence and Twilight were giving her, Celestia reluctantly elaborated, “Our dear grandmother was… how should I put this… a little fixed in her ways.”
Luna snorted, “By which my sister means the vicious old harridan hated every creature that wasn’t a unicorn. Our relationship ended when Celestia bucked her teeth in shortly after she earned her wings.”
Twilight and Cadence both clapped their hooves to their mouths in shock at the revelation of Celestia’s past violence.
A faint blush graced Celestia’s cheeks as she averted her gaze. “She shouldn’t have tried to pluck me.”
Cadence’s snort quickly descended into raucous laughter as Twilight simply stared in stunned disbelief. “Why in Equestria did she try to pluck you?!” Twilight yelled.
“Because, according to her, feathers belong on birds and dusters, not on ponies.” Celestia answered tightly. “Sticking her anywhere near Flash Magnus would just be asking for trouble.” Shaking off the memory of her not-particularly-missed ancestor, Celestia picked up the next answer, “Cadence’s this time. Introducing the amazing superhero/sidekick duo! It’s A falcon with a cap on its head and kamikaze pegasi.”
Wilting under the combined flat stares of the other three Princesses, Cadence grumbled petulantly, “It was the only pair I had that made sense.”
“For certain definitions of ‘sense’, perhaps.” Celestia ignored the pink Alicorn’s pout and levitated the last pair eagerly, “And finally, Twilight Sparkle. Introducing the amazing superhero/sidekick duo! It’s… oh.” Her face fell, and Twilight suddenly found her hooves very interesting as Celestia read out, “Bogies and geese.”
An awkward silence followed, broken only by a faint rustling as a wad of cotton candy rolled across the table in an impressive impression of a tumbleweed.
“Well, this was a, erm, fascinating round,” Celestia said in a strained voice, drawing Luna’s attention from the tumble-candy. “Well, it seems our first winner, for sheer lack of other options, is my dear sister.”
“Thank you, Tia,” Luna ground out, having heard quite clearly the bit she mumbled in the middle. Hoping that the next round would turn out a little better, Luna picked up a black card, “What’s the next Happy Hayburger toy?”
“I assume you know what a Happy Hayburger Meal is?” Celestia asked, taking a quick sip of tea.
“I’m well aware of what it is, sister,” Luna responded flatly.
“Just checking,” Celestia said with a sly smile.
Luna tried not to scowl as three answers were floated over to her. “What’s the next Happy Hayburger toy?” She blinked in confusion at the first answer she read. “A horde of yaks.”
“That’s got to be a health code violation of some kind,” Twilight put in. She tilted her head to the side thoughtfully. “It probably breaks a few slavery laws and things, too, not to mention the fact that you’d have to rebuild the Hayburger joint after every meal.”
Celestia nodded, “Yes, it’s quite wrong. A stimulating thought, though.”
“Phew, tell me about it,” Cadence agreed with a dreamy grin.
“Anyway ,” Luna cut in, glancing warily at Twilight’s twitching eyelid as she picked up the next card. “What’s the next Happy Hayburger toy? Pic- oh.” She lowered the card and sighed heavily. Raising the card again, with a look that plainly said she was beginning to regret this game, she said flatly, “Pictures of teats.”
“It made sense in my head,” Cadence huffed.
“I’m sure there are many things that do,” Luna replied tartly, setting the card aside and fetching the last. It was with visible reluctance that she looked at the card, only to be pleasantly surprised. “Oh, ah, hm, well. What’s the next Happy Hayburger toy?” She lowered the card and arched an eyebrow at her three fellows, smirking slightly. “Rockhoof.”
Her smirk was met with three blank stares. Celestia tilted her head, frowning slightly. “You seem a little more impressed by that answer than I expected, Lu?”
A faint blush graced Luna’s cheeks. “W-well, he is a fine example of a stallion, is he not?”
Twilight shrugged noncommittally, “Eh, he’s kinda good-looking, but he’s way too clumsy and strong for my tastes. He’d ruin my library.” Celestia slowly raised an eyebrow.
“Exactly, he’s all power and no technique,” Cadence added, earning a smirk to go with the raised eyebrow.
Luna frowned and turned her head away. “Hmph, well I say the Rockhoof card wins.”
“Ah, my first point,” Celestia said brightly. “It seems we are tied already, my sister.” Luna just sighed in response, floating the card over and resisting the urge to introduce her hoof to her own forehead.
“Ooo, that means its my turn!” Cadence smiled and acquired a question of her own. “Hey everypony, welcome to TGIF! Would you like to start the night off right with blank?”
“TGIF?” Luna repeated querulously.
“Thank Goodness Its Friday,” Twilight replied automatically.
“A rather common refrain, I believe,” Celestia supplied. “Though I understand that some ponies have also taken to using me as an expression,” she added with a knowing wink at Twilight.
Luna, surprisingly, smirked at that. “I imagine its used in regards to large problems,” she said quietly, giving Celestia’s flank a pointed look.
Celestia’s smile flickered, her eye twitching as she turned to regard her younger sister. “And what exactly is that supposed to mean?”
“That you eat too much cake?” Luna replied with faux innocence.
“Let’s just get the answers in, shall we?” Cadence cut in quickly. The other princesses went to searching through their cards, Celestia glowering as she did so. Shortly after, three answers were floated over to Cadence. Taking a deep breath, Cadence hitched a smile onto her face and called out in an overly peppy voice, “Hey everyprincess, welcome to TGIF! Would you like to start the night off right with giving 110%!”
“How… quaint,” Luna said slowly.
Celestia nodded. “Indeed. It was a good effort though, Twilight.”
Twilight just frowned grumpily. She made to say something sarcastic, but was interrupted by an amused snort as Cadence picked up the next answer. “Let me guess, its something perverted,” Twilight deadpanned.
“Ah, then it must be mine!” Luna said brightly
Cadence grinned. “Its pretty much how I end my Friday nights-”
“Definitely mine.”
“-Hey everyprincess, welcome to TGIF! Would you like to start the night off right with my balls on your face?”
Twilight rolled her eyes. “Yep. Told you. Perver- hey, wait a second, you mean you do that with my brother ?!” She clamped her hooves over her ears and screamed in horror and disgust. “SWEET CELESTIA NOW THAT IMAGE IS IN MY BRAIN ! WHY ?!”
“See? I told you I was an expression,” Celestia said calmly, taking a sip of tea as she idly watched Twilight’s meltdown.
Cadence winced sympathetically, but she wasn’t about to apologize. “Uh, Twilight? You do remember I’ve had a child, right? At the very least you already knew that me and Shining were having sex?”
“Of course I knew, but I never had to think about it!” Twilight groaned and rubbed at her temples. “That’s in there, yep, stuck right in my mind . Just continue the game,” she said, waving a hoof, “please, just give me something else to think about.”
“If you’re sure.” Cadence gave her a concerned look as she picked up the last answer. “Hey everypony, welcome to TGIF. Would you like to start the night off right with… murder.”
There was a brief, appalled silence.
“Okay, that’s just wrong,” Twilight said flatly.
“I admit it may not have been one of my better efforts,” Celestia said shyly.
Cadence nodded with feeling. “Sorry Twilight, but balls to the face wins. I assume that was Luna’s?”
“You assume correctly.” Luna grinned, accepting the card and adding it to her other. “And now, for young Twilight’s turn.”
Twilight just gave the pile a dark look. The other princesses shared an awkward glance. “Er, Twilight?” Celestia ventured, “If you truly are not having fun, we do not have to play this game.”
Twilight let out a resigned sigh and straightened up. “Nah, it’s fine. Its just a bit of a shock to the system. Besides, if Starlight managed to play a full game of this with her friends, then there’s no way that I, the Princess of Friendship, can allow myself to do anything less!” She shot to all fours and held out a hoof, flaring her wings dramatically. “For Friendship!”
“For Friendship!” the others joined in, though Celestia was wondering if Twilight’s sudden burst of enthusiasm was because she secretly wanted to know just how perverse her fellow princesses were, while Cadence was certain that Twilight herself was some sort of closet deviant waiting to be unleashed.
Luna, for her part, assumed both. “Very well, Princess of Friendship. Let us hear your question!”
Still holding her pose, Twilight levitated a card over. “Why am I hurting all over?” she called out loudly. She blinked in surprise as three answers appeared in front of her almost before she’d finished speaking. Cautious despite her recent burst of confidence, Twilight picked up the first answer. “Why am I hurting all over? Swooping?”
“Swooping?” Luna repeated. “Is this some modern euphemism that I am unfamiliar with?”
Celestia shook her head bemusedly. “If it is, it’s one that I’ve never heard either. Cadence?”
Cadence shrugged. “I thought it was just a flying trick.”
“Next answer! Why am I hurting all over?” Twilight tossed the card over her shoulder before grabbing another. “I… uh… ahem… consensual sex.” Ignoring the titters of the others, along with her own creeping blush, Twilight picked up the next answer. “Why am I hurting all over? Dogging.”
Her fellow princesses cracked up, both at the answer and the fact that Twilight had managed to say it without so much as hesitating. Assuming that she didn’t know what it meant, Cadence leaned towards her to explain, “Dogging is when-”
“I’m friends with Starlight, I know what dogging is,” Twilight interrupted, getting a trio of surprised gasps in response. “In the spirit of the game, I suppose dogging wins.”
“Ha!” Celestia pointed a hoof at Luna gleefully. “We draw once again!”
Luna snorted angrily. “Laugh while you may, sister, you will not win this.”
Celestia scoffed at her. “Oh, please. I’m going to destroy you.”
“We’ll see about that.” Luna muttered. “What of you two, do you wish to continue?”
“Absolutely!” Cadence replied in a heartbeat.
Twilight frowned and gritted her teeth. Perhaps she’d been spending too much time around Applejack and Rainbow Dash, but there was no way that she was going to back out now. It was time to show them exactly what one of Pinkie’s best friends could do when faced with a game of comedy, though she privately swore that she would never, ever, let this game within a hundred miles of Pinkie Pie under any circumstances. “Bring. It. On.”
Author's Note
And so the depravity continues...
Hope you enjoy! Comments and Criticisms are appreciated!
Celestia- 2
Cards Against the Princesses
“Very well, time for our second round.” Princess Celestia smiled as she levitated her second question of the game without any undue haste, trying not to let on to the others just how much she was looking forward to it. “Hm, an interesting question. What would Grandma find disturbing, yet oddly charming?”
“You, freshly plucked?” Luna suggested.
“Or you when you were first born,” Celestia countered, taking a sip of tea in order to hide her smirk. Twilight and Cadence shared a look as the two sisters continued to trade barbed comments. Deciding against getting involved, the two of them quietly passed their answers over, catching Celestia’s eye as they did so.
“Ah, thank you,” Celestia said politely before turning back to her sister. “Come along, Luna. We’re only waiting on you, now.”
“My card is already in front of you.” Luna put on an expression of mock concern. “Oh, woe of woes! Is your age finally starting to catch up with you, sister?”
Celestia just scowled and picked up the answers in her magic, giving them a quick shuffle before picking one out at random. “Hm? Oh! I think this is one of the few problems we’ve never actually had to deal with, Luna. What would Grandma find disturbing, yet oddly charming? Penis envy.”
Cadence and Twilight both giggled, reluctantly in Twilight’s case, while Luna held a hoof over her mouth to try and hide her undignified snort. “Indeed. I count myself lucky that that is a problem I shall never have to deal with,” she said when she’d composed herself.
Celestia’s chuckle turned into a surprised laugh as she read the next answer. “What would grandma find disturbing, yet oddly charming? A micropenis.” Twilight covered her face with a hoof, Luna tried not to giggle and Cadence gave the Princess of the Sun an un-amused look. “I know, I know,” Celestia said quickly, holding up a hoof to forestall her niece. “It’s not something ponies should laugh at, but you have to admit, it fits the question surprisingly well.”
It took a supreme effort for Luna to hold back the dozen or so jokes that ran through her head in response to that little statement.
Oblivious to her sister’s struggle, Celestia selected the last answer, tilted her head curiously at it, and read out. “What would grandma find disturbing, yet oddly charming? Full body nudity.”
Luna raised an eyebrow and glanced back at her own body as if checking something. “Correct me if I’m wrong, but I’m fairly certain that full body nudity has been a socially acceptable standard in pony culture since, oh, I don’t know, maybe the dawn of time?”
“If not then I’ve spent a thousand years flashing all of my subjects,” Celestia replied. She huffed a laugh. “Half of the Canterlot nobility could probably do with the thrill, anyway. As for the game, however, I’m going to have to go with the micropenis. Which of you had that?”
The other princesses’ mouths dropped open in stunned disbelief as Twilight, her muzzle bearing a blush that would put Fluttershy to shame, resolutely raised a hoof.
“You had the micropenis?!” Luna blurted incredulously.
“I’m not sure how to take that,” Twilight replied flatly.
“With difficulty, but it is doable,” Cadence put in, grinning mischievously. “I knew you were a pervert.”
“I’m not a pervert!” Twilight insisted, igniting her magic and taking the card from the still-stunned Celestia. “I just think that this game will be more fun if I actually try to win, and, given what I’m learning about the rest of you so far tonight,” she narrowed her eyes sidelong at Celestia, “that card seemed the most likely to be seen as humorous.” Clearing her throat and doing her best to maintain a dignified poise, though the pink tinge still gracing her cheeks ruined the attempt somewhat, Twilight said, “Luna, it’s your turn.”
Luna smirked and picked up the next question, using her magic to close her sister’s wide-open trap as she did so. This little game just became very interesting. “What makes life worth living?”
“Definitely my friends,” Twilight said, immediately and predictably. “And also books.”
Cadence smiled softly. “My family, without a doubt.”
Celestia nodded and drew herself up. “Myself, I find that seeing the happy smiles of all my little ponies helps me get through the day. That and my vibrators.”
Luna rolled her eyes as Cadence giggled and Twilight groaned loudly.
“They certainly make life more interesting,” Cadence agreed.
“Don’t you have Shining for that?” Celestia asked.
“Don’t even go there!” Twilight snapped. “I don’t want to know what you and my brother get up to in your…” she shuddered, “‘private time’.”
Cadence opened her mouth to retort, but decided she’d lay off for now. She didn’t want to give her sister-in-law a stroke. Not the medical emergency variety, anyway. Turning back to her cards, it wasn’t long before three answers were placed in front of the Princess of the Night.
Shaking her mane back, Luna straightened up as she picked up the first answer. “What makes life worth living? Dying.” The other princesses each shifted uncomfortably as she casually tossed the card over her shoulder. “What makes life worth living? Ethnic cleansing.” She tilted her head to the side curiously. “Hm, how deliciously dark. I do hope that this last answer is actually funny, though.” She levitated the last card, glanced at it, then barely restrained a snort. “Oh, my. What makes life worth living? Farting and walking away.”
“Ah yes, your favourite way to end an argument,” Celestia said flatly as Cadence and Twilight both stifled giggles.
“I find that it works well. Especially after I’ve had one of those modern burritos I discovered recently.” Luna smiled and held up the card. “It seems we have a clear victor. Which of you likes to toot and scoot?”
“I wish you wouldn’t put it like that,” Twilight replied as she held up a hoof, much to the stunned amazement of the others.
Luna’s smile slowly morphed into a malicious grin. “Well, well, Tia. At this rate you’re going to be beaten, not just by your younger sister, but by your own former pupil, too.” She sighed theatrically. “You must be so proud.”
“The game has barely even begun, Lu. I’ll show you all how it’s done soon enough, ” Celestia retorted. “Cadence-”
“Already on it,” Cadence interrupted, snatching up a black card. “This could be interesting. I’m going on a cleanse this week. Nothing but kale juice and blank.”
“I’m not fond of the modern cleanse diets,” Luna said flatly. “If I wish to cleanse my insides I simply eat spicy food, it works better than anything else.”
Celestia gave her a disgusted look. “I was going to make a quip about kale and cock, but that delightful image killed the mood, somehow.”
“Oh no, how unfortunate,” Twilight deadpanned.
Cadence smirked. “Just hoof your cards over, pervs.”
“Hey! I’m not a pervert!” Twilight insisted.
“Not publicly,” Cadence muttered under her breath, quiet enough that none of the others heard. When a minute or so had passed with no answers, she raised an eyebrow quizzically. “Uh, you do know you’re actually supposed to pass the answers over to me, right?”
“I would if I had anything good,” Celestia replied flatly.
Luna nodded in agreement. “A problem shared by the three of us, it seems.”
“Great,” Cadence huffed. “Okay, just pass me the best crap you’ve got and lets get this over with.” Three answers soon graced the table before her. “I’m going on a cleanse this week. Nothing but kale juice and alcoholism.”
“Would that not be the opposite of a cleanse?” Luna asked.
“Unless you’re trying to cleanse your skull of any remaining brain cells,” Twilight put in sardonically.
The card fell limply to the table as Cadence picked up the next one. “I’m going on a cleanse this week. Nothing but kale juice and...” She glanced at the answer, then slapped a hoof over her mouth to try and muffle the scandalised laugh she let out. The others watched her curiously as she flicked a furtive, almost wary look at Luna.
“Just read it out, niece,” Luna remarked. “I assure you that, whatever it is, I will not be offended. Not by you , at least.”
“If you say so,” Cadence replied, clearly not entirely believing her. “I’m going on a cleanse this week. Nothing but kale juice and poorly-timed Nightmare Moon jokes.”
Nopony dared to even breath, let alone look at Luna to see how she was taking it. The tense silence dragged on for several long, drawn-out seconds, before Luna finally snorted and let out a soft chuckle. “You should see the looks on your faces.”
The other three all laughed with relief at the fact that she wasn’t angry, though Celestia and Twilight both gave each other suspicious looks. Eager to skip past the tense moment, Cadence tossed the card aside and fetched the last one. “I’m going on a cleanse this week. Nothing but kale juice and… leprosy.” She stared blankly at the answer for a second, then threw it away as if it were rotting. “That’s disgusting. Sorry, Aunt Luna, but the Nightmare Moon joke wins.”
“Please, don’t apologize, Niece,” Luna replied with an amused smirk. “It was, after all, my card.”
Twilight and Celestia both whipped their heads around to her. “What? Your card?” Celestia looked from her to Twilight and back. “But… I thought…”
Twilight looked almost affronted. “Wait, you thought I would play a card like that?”
“Enough,” Luna cut in before the two could get into an argument. “I am touched that both of you are courteous enough not to mock my previous… misdemeanours.” She coughed awkwardly. “I just felt that, perhaps, a little self-deprecating humour would be appreciated.” She sighed and hung her head. “Mayhaps, the time was not quite right.”
“It is still something of a tender subject, for all of us.” Celestia smiled softly at her younger sister. “Though, I must admit, the fact that you are comfortable enough to joke about it is certainly takes a weight from my heart.”
"I'm glad to hear it," Luna replied. "Still, I believe this game is supposed to be about having fun , so… Twilight, if you would?"
“Of course.” Twilight’s face lit up as she picked up the last question of the round. “Oh, this should be good! Next from A.K Yearling: Daring Do and the Temple of blank.”
The other princesses spent a few moments considering their choices. Soon enough, Twilight had three cards placed in front of her. "Next from A.K Yearling: Daring Do and the Temple of puberty."
"Not a place any of us would like to visit," Cadence put in. She smirked as she said slyly, "though I suppose only two of us can actually remember going through puberty." The two eldest princesses gave her a withering glare in response.
"Next answer!" Twilight cried, snatching a card at random. "Next from A.K Yearling: Daring Do and the Temple of… bees?" She raised an eyebrow curiously. "Why does the card even have a question mark on it? Eh, Fluttershy would probably visit a temple like that anyway. Last answer; Next from A.K Yearling: Daring Do and the Temple of..." Twilight blushed furiously as she picked up the last card. "T-the female orgasm."
"Ah, a temple for you, Cadence," Luna suggested.
"Meh, not really," Cadence replied with a casual wave of her hoof. "I mean, I get plenty at home, why would I need to go to a temple?"
Twilight just sighed softly, resigned to the fact that she was probably going to hear a lot more about her brother and sister-in-law's sex life before the game was over.
"Maybe you should visit the orgasm temple, Luna," Celestia said with fake innocence. " It might help you become less stuck-up."
Luna, surprisingly, just smiled sweetly at her. "Unlike you, dear sister, I receive intimate benedictions on a regular basis. Perhaps you should go, instead? I'm sure divine intervention can help even a dried up old nag like yourself."
Twilight barely managed to stifle her snort, mortification and amusement flickering across her face in turn. Cadence just laughed openly.
"Who won that round, Twilight?" Celestia asked in a tone of icy calm.
Clearing her throat, Twilight looked between the three answers, blushed again, then held up the last one. "The orgasm temple wins," she said meekly, mentally making plans to write about Daring Do entering such a temple the second she had a chance.
"That's another point for me." Celestia gave Luna an evil smirk. "It seems we're tied again, sister."
"For now," Luna admitted, matching her glare for glare.
Cadence frowned and looked around at the others. "Hang on, how come I still don't have any points?"
Author's Note
Sorry for the delay! As some of you may know, my pc recently went kaput. While I backed up most of my fics, it wasn't until I made to continue this fic that I realized that I had neglected to backup the card selections
Thankfully I'm back on track now, and have also picked up one of the expansion packs for the game (the absurd box) so expect new material going forward!
One final note, I'm considering having physical copies of Cards Against Starlight made, I've already put a post up in the group but let me know what you think!
Celestia - 3
P.S. Yes, I accidentally uploaded this chapter to Cards Against Starlight first. Yes, I'm aware that I'm an idiot.
Cards Against the Princesses
Celestia kept up her glare at Luna as she picked up the first black card of the round. "Unfortunately, nopony can be told what blank is. You have to experience it for yourself."
"Huh, this could be interesting," Cadence said absently.
The three younger princesses flicked through their cards for a few moments and, soon enough, three answers were sat in front of the eldest. Celestia flicked her mane and lifted the first card, then choked and spluttered as she read it.
"Oooo, what does it say?" Cadence asked eagerly.
Luna cocked her head and raised an eyebrow. "It must be truly perverse if it has flustered even you, Tia."
"No, no, I'm not flustered." Celestia cleared her throat and drew herself up, assuming her most regal pose. "Unfortunately, nopony can be told what fucking my sister is. You have to experience it for yourself."
Cadence clamped a foreleg over her muzzle, trying to stifle her snorts. Twilight just froze, a bright blush creeping up her face. Luna, for her part, rubbed the back of her neck awkwardly and looked away. "We, erm, we swore we'd never speak of that," she muttered.
Celestia's eyes bulged out of their sockets. "I-, you-, what th-" She looked to Cadence and Twilight, both of whom had their mouths hanging open in shock, and shook her head desperately. "She's lying! We've never ever done anything like that, I swear! Tell them , Luna!"
A loud snort was Luna's first response. Giggling softly, she shook her head. "As much as I enjoy seeing my sister trip over her own words, I must admit that she is telling the truth. We have never engaged in any form of sexual activity together, and we never will. I have standards."
Celestia growled but kept her mouth shut, choosing to gloss over her embarrassment as quickly as possible by picking up the next answer. "Unfortunately, nopony can be told what an endless stream of diarrhoea is. You have to experience it for yourself."
"Ah, are we tasting your cooking again, Tia?" Luna asked.
A muscle feathered in Celestia's jaw and her eye started twitching quite alarmingly, but she ignored the jab and read out the last answer in a surprisingly even tone, "Unfortunately, nopony can be told what guard brutality is. You have to experience it for yourself." She gave her sister a pointed look when she finished.
"I hate to say it, aunt Celly, but the sister fucking was definitely the funniest,"Cadence put in.
Celestia scowled, but after a moment she relented with a sigh. "Regrettably, I agree with you." She picked up the black card and levitated it over to Luna. "Here you are, I assume this is your point."
"A-actually, it's mine," Twilight cut in, her cheeks doing their level best to impersonate Big Mac's natural complexion.
The expressions of shock on the others' faces were priceless, though Cadence's swiftly gave way to a coy smirk. "Well, that's an interesting card choice there, Twilight. If you really want to experience what fucking your sister is like, I'd be happy to show yo-oof!" She was knocked sprawling as a seat cushion suddenly introduced itself to her face at high speed.
"Perhaps we should steer this conversation away from incestuous behaviour," Luna supplied, well aware that she was a large contributor to said topic. Giving her mane a quick shake, more to cover herself from Celestia's disapproving look than anything, she used her magic to grab a black card. "I'm no doctor, but I'm pretty sure what you're suffering from is called 'blank'."
"Ooh, can we all read out our own answers for this one? Cadence asked with an excited clop of her hooves. "That way it'll be as if we're all diagnosing Luna. What do you think?"
"I think I'm about to receive a considerable quantity of abuse," Luna said flatly. "Still, I cannot deny that it should be quite amusing. You may proceed."
Cadence let out a cheerful yip and eagerly flicked through her answers, Celestia doing the same. Twilight followed suit with considerably less gusto, signaling her readiness with a nod long after the other two were prepared.
"Very well. Celestia? Why don't you start us off? Luna said, with the air of someone preparing themselves for the worst.
Celestia cleared her throat and spoke in the tone she usually used for official regal speeches, "I am no doctor, but I'm fairly sure what you are suffering from is called uncut daddy dick."
Cadence giggled loudly, while Luna and Twilight both displayed a surprising aptitude for performing a synchronised face-hoof.
"Cadence, would you be so kind as to move us on from that… image… please?" Luna muttered.
The Princess of Love nodded and held up her own card. "Well, I'm no doctor, but I'm pretty sure what you're suffering from is called unfathomable stupidity."
Luna gave her a flat look. "You're a fine one to talk."
"W-what the heck is that supposed to mean?!" Cadence spluttered.
Levitating a cup of tea, Luna took a quick sip before answering, "Sister told me about the Princest Poon incident."
Cadence blushed furiously, her eyes darting around wildly. "I… um… oh."
"I'm almost afraid to ask, but what was the Princest Poon incident?" Twilight asked tentatively.
Celestia frowned. "A certain princess decided that she was interested in becoming a pornographic actress. Princest Poon was the stage name she came up with." She glared sidelong at Cadence. "Suffice to say, I put a stop to that moment of madness the second I heard of it."
Twilight eyed her uncharacteristically embarrassed sister-in-law with concern. "I suspect that I'm going to thoroughly regret asking this, but what's the significance of the 't' in-" she grimaced, "-'princest '?"
The rest of the princesses just looked away, not willing to answer. After a moment Celestia coughed into her hoof and said gently, "If you value your sanity, don't ask. Why don't you just give us your answer?"
"Fair enough." Twilight shifted her wings slightly and levitated her own card. "I'm no doctor, but I'm pretty sure what you're suffering from is called being a mare." The others just looked at her in an almost pitying manner. "Yeah, yeah, my cards weren't great for this one."
"Understandable," Luna replied. "Unfathomable stupidity wins this round." As she levitated the card over to Cadence, who did a little hoof-pump at finally winning her first point of the game, Luna frowned and tapped her chin with a hoof. "Odd, I feel a sudden urge to shout at Miss Lulamoon."
"I get that a lot, too," Twilight said reassuringly. "Anyway, I think it's Cadence's turn."
Cadence nodded, her cheeks still several shades darker than their usual pink, and picked out a question. "In a world ravaged by blank, our only solace is blank."
The other three immediately set to flicking through their cards. As the seconds ticked over into minutes, Cadence sighed and said, "Since you all clearly have crap cards, why don't you just come up with something that at least makes some semblance of sense so we can get this over with?"
With a sigh or two, and a little grumbling, three pairs of cards were levitated over to Cadence. "Okay, first up; In a world ravaged by some pony, our only solace is quality, affordable stallionswear." She stared at the cards blankly for a moment, then casually tossed them aside. "In a world ravaged by a mopey zoo lion, our only solace is kissing nan on the forehead and turning off her life support."
"What the f- " Twilight's mouth snapped shut just before she let the profanity slip out.
Luna just shrugged. "I believe it is an apt description of our grandmother, and a method of dealing with her that is frankly more respectful than she ever deserved."
"Wow, you really hate your grandmother," Cadence said as she picked up the last pair. "In a world ravaged by amputees, our only solace is breaking out into song and dance." She raised an eyebrow at that one. "That's disturbing, but it also sounds like something that we might actually do , so I say that this one wins."
Twilight chuckled awkwardly. "Um, yaaay?"
"Wha- that puts Twilight in the lead," Celestia said incredulously. "Luna, how is Twilight in the lead?"
"Gee, thanks," Twilight muttered sarcastically.
Luna just smiled sardonically. "Clearly you trained her too well, my dear degenerate sister. However, given that it is now her turn, we at least have a chance to equalise."
Privately hoping that Cadence won the next point, if only to annoy the other two, Twilight swiped a black card. "New at Happy Hayburger! It's what you've been waiting for: The blank burger!"
"I think a burger is the last thing we need," Luna said with a glance at the food spread out before them.
"What I need is another point or five," Cadence pouted.
Celestia smirked. "Then perhaps you should stop sucking, dear."
Cadence scowled as she picked a card. "Oh, I could teach you a thing or two about sucki-"
"Nope! Stop right there!" Twilight cut in, deducing exactly where that comment was going to end up and determined not to hear it. "Just fork your answers over." Moments later, three white cards sat in front of her. "Okay, first up… oh, for the love of- New at Happy Hayburger! It's what you've been waiting for: The bisexuality burger." She cocked her head to the side as she wondered aloud, "How would that even work?"
Cadence gave her a coy look. "That's easy. It's a slab of hot, thick meat coupled with delicious plump buns, both waiting to tingle your tongu-"
"Okay ! Next answer!" Twilight snatched up the next answer before Cadence's little spiel made her mood match her forehead. "New at Happy Hayburger! It's what you've been waiting for: The… radical draconic terrorism burger? Does it explode in your mouth or something?"
"I know something that can explode in… your…" Celestia trailed off as both Twilight and Luna gave her flat glares. The large pillow levitated in a somehow threatening manner probably also had something to do with it.
"Last answer. New at Happy Hayburger! It's what you've been waiting for: The powerful thighs burger." Twilight raised an eyebrow at that one. "Let me guess, thick meat between a pair of mighty buns?"
Celestia nodded approvingly. "I really have trained you well."
Twilight sighed and, with a small blush, raised the first card. "Who had bisexuality?"
"Had and have," Cadence replied with a grin. "Yay, two points!"
Luna smiled as she shuffled her cards idly. "Interesting. There's only a couple of points between all of us. Start the next round, Tia, let's see if one of us can open up a lead."
Author's Note
And the madness continues...
Celestia - 3
Cards Against the Princesses
Celestia smiled regally as she entered the room again. "Sorry for the wait, now, let's see how much of that cake we can get through before Luna gets-" Her mouth snapped shut as she spotted her sister already sitting on one of the cushions.
"Trouble with your bladder, dear sister?" Luna asked with a victorious grin.
Celestia just let out a resigned sigh and returned to her cushion. "Were those two fooling around when you returned?"
"They were not," Luna replied, sounding almost disappointed.
"Did you honestly think we would?" Twilight asked flatly.
"I'm surprised that Cadence didn't at least try," Celestia mused.
"We're not all perverts like you, auntie," Cadence said flatly. "Not all the time, anyway. Now hurry up and pick a card, I've got a game to win."
Celestia smirked at her. "We'll see about that. She drew a question, then blinked in surprise as she read it. "Oh, this is an interesting one, it says to draw two more white cards each and pick three. Blank plus blank equals blank."
The other princesses drew the extra cards and set to flicking through them. Soon enough three small piles sat in front of Celestia. "I'm not bothering with a spell to shuffle three sets of answers so I'll just read them in order." She picked the first pile up with a flourish, then immediately sighed as she read them. "The way Prince Blueblood treats mares plus waiting for marriage equals reparations for slavery." Celestia gave Luna a flat look. "I know our nephew can be a prick sometimes but that's a little harsh."
"I still think you should have let me teach him how to treat a mare," Cadence pouted.
"And I still think that that would have been a terrible idea," Celestia countered. "He's already arrogant, the last thing he needs is an ego boost from getting private lessons from the Princess of Love. Besides, if I had let you near him I guarantee that I would have walked in on him porking you at some point, and I'd really prefer not to see that thank you very much."
"You're assuming that that hasn't happened anyway," Cadence said coyly.
Celestia threw a glare at her before picking up the next set of cards, though she couldn't help an only mildly lecherous smirk as she read them out, "Elderly Neighponese stallions plus a much younger mare equals free samples."
Twilight raised an eyebrow. "Free samples of what? Wait! No!" She held a hoof up as Cadence opened her mouth to answer. "I can infer, and you're disgusting."
"Incredibly so," Celestia muttered. "Lastly, let's see what Twilight came up with. "Oh, wow. A concerning amount of unicorns plus friction equals Bimpy, the small styrofoam ball we all jack off into." She grinned at Twilight's sudden and incredible blush. "And you say Cadence is disgusting? Tut tut."
"The difference is I've never actually done what's on my cards," Twilight retorted.
Cadence opened her mouth to shout a denial, then closed it and shrugged. "Eh, technically they were Thestrals, but I guess it still counts."
"They do indeed." Celestia hummed and tilted her head to the side as she considered the answers. "Bimpy wins, purely for being so disgusting."
"I'm not sure if I'm happy about that," Twilight sighed as she accepted the card.
"The problems of a pervert," Luna sighed. She calmly ignored Twilight's glare and picked up a black card, smiling as she saw what was written on it. "How appropriate. Why can't I sleep at night?"
"The ardent lovemaking you mentioned earlier?" Celestia shot.
Twilight gave her a level glare. "Do you have to take it in that direction straight away? I'm pretty sure the only reason Luna is up at night is because, you know, it's her job ."
"Indeed. I limit my dalliances until I'm off duty," Luna said snootily.
"Are you implying that I neglect my duties to screw around ?" Celestia asked frostily.
Luna's grin was predatory. "Of course not, sister. I think we're all fully aware that you haven't had a chance to 'screw around' in years." Ignoring the scorching glare that Celestia threw in her direction, Luna glanced down at her question again and said, "If you could all kindly pass over your answers."
One brief period of shuffling later, and three white cards sat before Luna's hooves. "What have we got first?" She picked up the first answer, and her expression instantly soured. "Why can't I sleep at night?" Luna deadpanned. "Seething with quiet resentment." The other princesses stayed utterly still and silent as she set the card aside. "If that is another poorly timed Nightmare Moon joke-"
"It is," Celestia smirked, only to be walloped off her hooves by a cake that set a new world record for dessert speed.
"-then I am not going to be amused," Luna finished without batting an eye. She followed up by levitating a large silver tray full of donuts and éclairs over her sister, then dropping the whole thing on her head, producing a resounding clang and a loud, pained squawk. "Next one. Why can't I sleep at night?" As she read the next card, she let out a sigh that was equal parts amused and annoyed. "Sexual peeing."
"Kinky," Cadence put in.
"Maybe if you're into that sort of thing. Personally, I'm not particularly enthused by the rituals of our primitive ancestors," Luna said with distaste, tossing the card over her shoulder. "And lastly, why can't I sleep at night?" She snorted at the last card. "The gays. The gays win, hooves down."
"Another point for me!" Cadence said gleefully. She gave Twilight a challenging grin. "That puts both of us in the lead."
Twilight nodded and smiled sweetly. "Yep, and it's now your turn, meaning this is my chance to pull ahead yet again."
"If you're good enough," Cadence countered as she picked a question. "Oh, this is unusual. Five, four, three, two, one... blank!"
"Isn't that your countdown until Twilight freaks out every time you send her a letter, sister? Luna asked Celestia.
Twilight's smile shifted into a dark scowl. "Funny. I thought it was the time it took for the two of you to start bickering whenever you're left alone in the same room."
"You're both right, now get your actual answers ready," Cadence cut in. Utterly unfazed by the scowls of the other three princesses, Cadence casually nibbled on a slice of cake until the answers were placed in front of her. "Okay, let's see what we've got. Five, four, three, two, one… sandwich?"
"Oh, don't mind if I do," Luna said brightly, helping herself to another dandelion sandwich.
Cadence shook her head and picked up the next card. "Five, four, three, two, one… The Black Death."
"Mother always got angry when I called you that after you'd been to the toilet," Celestia mused.
"She also got angry when I asked if you actually dropped polished turds, or if you simply were one, but there we are," Luna replied.
Twilight rolled her eyes. "So we've gone from incest, to Prince Blueblood, to polished fecal matter. Delightful."
"Pretty sure those last two are the same thing," Cadence said with a smirk. "Last one. Oh, nice. Five, four, three, two, one… dick pics!"
"How… delightful," Luna said with a grimace that spoke of her true feelings on the matter.
"Please don't mention dick pics in front of Blueblood," Celestia urged. "If he ends up getting wrapped up in a lawsuit because of a stupid idea like that I may have to geld him myself."
Twilight shrugged. "I don't know, you may as well let him try it. All jokes aside, it is an impressive specimen, and since he can't rely on a glowing personality he's going to need every advantage he can get to attract a mare and keep her. Or a stallion, or anycreature else, for that matter."
Cadence arched an eyebrow. "How do you know that he has an impressive specimen?"
Twilight just gave her a flat look. "I spent a lot of time in the castle when I was growing up, and so did Blueblood. One night he got it into his head that he liked the idea of having a slightly post-pubescent nerdy mare nearby, and decided to make a pass at me in a way that was… let's just say 'not very subtle'."
"No way ?!" Cadence said in a scandalised tone. "How am I only now hearing about this?"
"Good question ." The group shivered involuntarily at the sheer venom in Celestia's voice. She drew in a slow breath through her nose and slowly got to her hooves. "Please excuse me for a moment. I'm going to rip my nephew's balls off and shove them down his throat ."
"It's fine, Celestia," Twilight said with a quiet sigh. "It was years ago, and believe me he learned his lesson."
"Oh?" Cadence glanced at her sidelong. "What did you do to him?"
Twilight smiled slyly. "Wouldn't you like to know? Well, tough, because you won't get it from me." The smile vanished as if it had never existed as Twilight ruffled her wings and sat up straight. "So, which answer won?"
Cadence blinked in surprise, then scowled and turned her attention back to the cards. "I guess… I can't believe I'm going to say this, but I'm going with dick pics."
"That's me!" Twilight said cheerfully. "I told you I'd pull ahead again!"
"Seriously?!" Cadence sighed and gave Twilight a sidelong look. "You really are a closet pervert."
"I am not !" Twilight snapped, though she blushed as she said it. "A-anyway, it's my turn now, so get ready!" She snatched up the next card and, going by how quickly her expression fell, immediately regretted it. "A recent laboratory study shows that undergraduates have 50% less sex after being exposed to blank"
"Princess Celestia?" Luna quipped.
Celestia turned a frosty glare on her. "What exactly are you implying, sister?"
"That every pony that meets you suddenly loses their carnal appetite?" Luna said flatly, then she tapped her chin. "Ah, I see my mistake. The question only said 50%, not 100%. In that case I'd say Twilight's badly written smut stories."
"They're not badly written!" Twilight cried indignantly, flaring her wings. It took her a second to realize what she had said, but by then the damage was already done.
Cadence clapped her hooves and squealed in delight. "You mean you do have your own smutfics?!"
"I've always suspected, but I could never find proof." Celestia gave her a smile that was a confusing mix of warm and predatory. "I'd like to have a good look through them at some point."
"Me too," Luna put in.
Twilight was blushing so brightly she could illuminate a street. "J-just give me your answers," she said meekly.
Surprisingly, the other princesses relented and flicked through their cards, though this was less due to a lack of interest and more due to wanting to wheedle as much information out of the purple pervert as they could without making her snap and run away.
Shortly afterwards, after much muttering and mumbling from the three of them, a small pile of answers waited for Twilight's attention. Twilight cleared her throat before selecting a card, clearly trying to ignore her own still-burning cheeks. "A recent laboratory study shows that undergraduates have 50% less sex after being exposed to… land mines."
Celestia snorted then clamped a hoof over her mouth. "Ahem, sorry. I shouldn't really laugh at that."
"To be fair, it's probably true," Cadence sniggered.
"You're both sick," Twilight muttered as she picked up the next card. She frowned as she read it out, "A recent laboratory study shows that undergraduates have 50% less sex after being exposed to sunshine and rainbows." She raised an eyebrow. "If that were true then nopony in Equestria would ever get laid."
"We'd all be suffering just like my dear sister," Luna shot, earning an annoyed glare.
"And last but hopefully not least…" Twilight picked up the last answer and sighed. "Yeah, last is least. A recent laboratory study shows that undergraduates have 50% less sex after being exposed to knife crime."
Luna winced. "Forgive me for saying this, but that turn, I believe the modern term would be… sucked?"
"More than I do on the regular," Cadence put in.
Twilight gave a disgusted scoff and swatted her with a levitated cushion. "Land mines wins, purely because it was the only card that made one of you degenerates actually laugh."
"Like you can talk, Miss 'I write my own smut'; by the way, you totally have to show me what you've written." Cadence grinned widely. "Either in written form or live demonstration, I'm not picky as to which." She caught a thrown cushion in her magic and giggled. "Also, guess which degenerate is tied with you again?"
The guards outside flinched as a frustrated scream echoed through the dark corridors.
Author's Note
Sorry for the wait, enjoy this little slice of demented life!
Sunbutt - 4
Cards Against the Princesses
"Time for another round," Cadence giggled.
Twilight scowled at her, though the mouthful of cake slightly ruined any effect she was going for. Still, gorging on cake was a better way to calm down than any other that was available, at least until she could get her hooves on a quill and parchment to scribble down an irritation-fuelled smutfic.
"Time indeed," Celestia agreed as she picked up the first question of the round. "Ah, another two card question. The sequel is here! Get ready for blank 2: blank."
Luna hummed thoughtfully. "I fear I lack a snappy rejoinder for that one. Still, I shall attempt to catch up to our younger compatriots."
"Good luck with that, at your age," Cadence said with a grin.
Luna scowled, but said nothing as she followed the others in flicking through the cards. Celestia narrowed her eyes at Cadence too, but she was soon distracted by the answers placed in front of her. "Let's see what you youngsters have for me. I still can't be bothered to shuffle pairs, so I'm just going to go in order." She picked up Luna's answers first. "The sequel is here! Get ready for the King of the Griffons 2: Not Being A Part Of My Son's Life."
Twilight winced and turned a reproachful look on Luna. "That's a little too accurate."
"Really?" Luna looked at her in surprise. "Twas my impression that the Griffons were a tightly-knit group watched over by their benevolent king?"
"Not for a long time," Twilight told her. "I've spent way too long around Gallus to find an answer like that funny."
Luna coughed and looked away uneasily. "Ah. I… I seem to be making a habit of putting my hoof in my mouth tonight."
"No more than usual." Celestia smirked as she picked up Cadence's answers, and her face fell a second later. "The sequel is here! Get ready for Fascism 2: Turning Poor People Against Each Other So They Don't Pay Attention To Economic Inequality." She sighed and tossed the cards away. "It seems dark and depressing is the name of the game for this turn. Has Twilight given us anything less miserable?" Celestia raised an eyebrow at the last pair. "The sequel is here! Get ready for Synergistic Management Solutions 2: Kamikaze Pegasi." She turned a curious gaze at Twilight. "If I may, what in the living mother of fuck were you thinking?"
"They were the only cards I had that made any sort of sense," Twilight replied defensively.
Celestia shrugged. "Well, they're good enough to win this round, purely for being the least miserable."
Twilight blinked in surprise. "Wow. I never thought that that would put me back in the lead."
"There's still time for the rest of us to catch up," Luna warned before selecting a card. She grinned as she read out, "What's hot, smelly, and about to die?"
"If she wasn't immortal I'd say your sister," Cadence quipped.
Celestia rolled her eyes. "I assure you I have no intention of shuffling off this mortal coil anytime soon, and most certainly bathe regularly." She smiled and flicked her mane. "You're right about one thing though. I am indeed a hot piece of ass."
"A giant piece, which is about the only thing you have going for you," Luna shot. "Now, kindly provide your answers. I want to see what you can do with this question." She blinked in surprise as three cards quickly materialised in front of her. "That was quick. Okay. What's hot, smelly, and about to die? Stallions."
"I hope not, I've got needs," Cadence huffed.
"There'll still be mares," Twilight said with a roll of her eyes. "And, um, toys," she added meekly.
Cadence grinned, biting back the urge to ask how Twilight was familiar with such toys, or what sort of toy collection the purple pervert owned. "Yes, mares are fine, but they can't quite scratch every itch. Or butter every bun, so to speak."
"Don't ask!" Luna interrupted as Twilight tilted her head curiously. "Really, Twilight, you should know better than to ask questions you don't want the answer to by now." She sighed and picked up the next answer. "What's hot, smelly, and about to die?" She grimaced at what was written before her. "Yogurt that moans in pleasure as you eat it."
Cadence smirked and lips her lips. "Well, it's not necessarily the yogurt that moans, just the one that provides-"
"What's hot, smelly, and about to die ?" Luna said loudly, having had quite enough talk of Cadence's sex life. She picked up the last card, and her expression instantly turned to stone. "Princess Luna."
The temperature in the room felt like it had suddenly dropped several degrees. Even Celestia kept didn't dare to open her mouth, so it came as a great surprise to all of them when Twilight cleared her throat and said quietly, "Um, if it makes you feel any better, there's a French saying, la petite mort, that literally translates as 'little death'. It sometimes refers to the blank sensation felt immediately after an orgasm, so…"
Luna raised an eyebrow. "So I'm hot, smelly, and about to have an hysterical paroxysm that's poised to clove my head in twain? I like the sound of that. This card wins! Which of you degenerates does it belong to?"
Twilight, hiding her face behind a wing to cover her luminous blush, slowly raised a hoof.
"My, such boldness. I shall accept your offer once the game is concluded." Twilight spluttered and tried to stammer out a refusal, but Luna ignored her and passed the card over before nodding to Cadence. "Very well, niece, tis your turn next."
Cadence nodded and picked up a question, privately wondering if her sister-in-law had her eye on a certain inky-black flank. "Seriously guys, there's nothing funny about blank."
"Twilight's jokes?" Celestia quipped.
"Celestia," Twilight countered. "Just Celestia in general."
"Enough with the bitching, you two," Cadence said firmly. "If you want to get rough with each other do it in the bedroom."
"Unfortunately, Twilight is booked tonight. You can have her tomorrow, Tia," Luna put in.
"I'm not booked!" Twilight snapped.
Luna grinned. "Either way, you'll be busy."
"As much as I enjoy watching two old nags flirting with a mare a fraction of their age, you should probably hoof your cards over," Cadence said with a crude smirk.
The other three flicked through their cards. Luna and Celestia were particularly focused, and Cadence couldn't help but giggle as she realized that losing miserably to Twilight, not to mention each other, was a terrible prospect for the two of them.
Finally, three answers were plonked in front of the pink princess.
"Okay, quick shuffle… and first card!" Cadence pulled it out with a flourish, then flashed an amused glance at Twilight. "Seriously guys, there's nothing funny about pooping in a book and closing it."
Celestia and Luna snorted with laughter, both staring at Twilight who, slowly, as if the words weren't quite processing in her mind, cocked her head to the side. "Ponies don't do that. No creature does. That would be silly. No creature alive would be stupid enough to ask for a horrific and agonising death as drawn out and painful as my considerable intellect can possibly conceive in such a manner."
Dead silence followed in the wake of her little vent.
"O...kay… moving on." Cadence finally said, hurriedly throwing the answer card away and picking another one before Twilight could get any destructive ideas. "Seriously guys, there's nothing funny about getting herpes from Trendsetter." She arched an eyebrow and looked around at the others. "Is one of you speaking from experience?"
"Ugh, please , none of us would touch him with a barge pole," Celestia said with a grimace. "I daresay even your standards aren't that low."
"Hey! Her standards happen to include my brother!" Twilight snapped. She hummed as a memory struck her. "Rarity probably would have begged him to give her an STI at one point, but I think she prefers going for a tumble in the hay with somepony else these days. Literally."
Cadence gasped at the prospect of salacious gossip. "Okay, as soon as this game is done I want details , but first. "She picked up the last card. "Seriously guys, there's nothing funny about what looked like a chemical weapons facility but turned out to be a children's hospital?"
Celestia chuckled, getting surprised looks from the others. "Sorry, I was just thinking that, for dragons and unicorns, I don't think there's really much of a difference."
"Riiight." Cadence shrugged and held up a card. "Who got herpes from Trendsetter?"
"I assure you I didn't, but the card is mine," Celestia replied.
As Celestia accepted her win, Twilight suddenly gasped loudly and glared at Luna. "That means you had the crapping-in-a-book card!"
Luna recoiled from the sheer venom in her voice. "I-I thought it would be funny. My apologies, I shall make it up to you tonight."
"You'd better!" Twilight hissed, then she blushed as she realized what she had said. "I didn't- that wasn't a mph !" She was silenced by a question card suddenly being teleported inside her mouth.
"Enough teasing, it's your turn," Cadence leered.
Twilight scowled as she pulled the card out of her mouth, but any retort she was about to come out with died on her lips the second she saw what was written on it. "I can't read this," Twilight stated flatly.
The others shared a curious look. "We've all had some awkward questions tonight, Twilight, I'm sure it can't be worse than any of the others."
"It can and it is," Twilight said adamantly.
"Go on, Twilight, put it out there," Cadence urged. "If it's that bad, we'll let you off the hook."
Twilight blushed and covered her face with a wing. Quietly, she read out, "Yeah, that's so hot. I'm so close. Talk about blank again! Oh, I'm cumming."
Three princesses broke into demented cackles, Celestia rolling off her cushion and waving her legs in the air in her mirth.
"I'll pick another card," Twilight muttered.
"Not a chance!" Cadence shot.
"You must stick with that question, Twilight!" Luna cried. "Tis perfect!"
Twilight gave a resigned sigh. "Fine. Give me your answers." She blinked in surprise as three answers teleported instantly in front of her. "You all suck."
"Regularly," Cadence said with a smirk.
"Ugh ." Twilight grimaced and shuffled the cards. "First answer. Yeah that's so hot. I'm so close. Talk-"
"Oh, come on, Twi, have some fun with this!" Cadence pressed.
Twilight shot her a glare, then read out in a voice distinctly resembling Maud's, "Yeah, that's so hot. I'm so close. Talk about Miss Harshwinny again. Oh, I'm cumming."
Cadence sniggered. "Actually, I could tell you some things about Miss Harshwinny."
"I do not want to hear it," Twilight said firmly.
"Fine, fine." Cadence fell silent for a second, then grinned. "So could your brother, actually."
"Okay ! Next answer !" Twilight snatched up the next card and read out in a fluster, "Yeah that's so hot. I'm so close. Talk about bat ponies again! Oh, I'm cumming!"
"You like bat ponies?" Luna asked. "I can arrange something in the After Dark Circuit for you, if you'd like?"
Twilight raised an eyebrow. "I don't know what that is, but no thank you." She picked up the last card, smiled, then shrugged. "Oh, stuff it. Yeah, that's so hot. I'm so close! Talk about braiding three penises into a Curly Wurly again! Oh, I'm cumming !"
The room echoed as four princesses, each a respected ruler, collapsed into hysterics. Twilight had her head buried in her forelegs, giggling and blushing furiously, while the others were cackling and snorting like the demented offspring of a witch and a wild hog.
"I, snrk , I think that one wins," Luna spluttered.
Twilight nodded, her cheeks still burning. "Who had that one?" She rolled her eyes as Cadence raised a hoof. "I should have known. Now, I'm going to go for a pee and let my breathing settle before I burst a blood vessel. Get the next round ready while I'm gone!"
Author's Note
Current Score
Sunbutt - 5
Cards Against the Princesses
Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter. Cards Against the Princesses
Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter. Cards Against the Princesses
Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter. Cards Against the Princesses
Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter. Cards Against the Princesses
Celestia didn't waste any time in picking up a black card. She smirked as she read it out, "Here's a little something I learned in business school: the customer is always blank."
"Evil?" Luna put in.
"Customers aren't always evil," Celestia replied patiently. "Admittedly, they sometimes are evil, stupid, filthy, self-entitled little shits, but they aren't always."
Cadence raised an eyebrow. "You realize that pretty much everypony is a customer of somewhere at some point, right?"
"I'm well aware." Celestia tapped her chin thoughtfully and mumbled to herself, "I always wondered if maybe Sombra originally worked in fast food or retail. It would explain a few things."
"Him or Chrysalis," Luna put in as she passed her answer over.
When the rest of the answers were ready Celestia quickly shuffled them and picked one out. "Here's a little something I learned in business school: the customer is always… a cat with hands?"
"Capper?" Twilight tilted her head in confusion. "I haven't actually seen him since the Friendship Festival. I wonder what he's up to?"
"I wonder if he ever actually gave that marshmallow a creamy filling," Celestia put in. In response to three confused stares, she grinned and clarified, "You know, Rarity?"
Twilight blushed and sighed as the others giggled. "Honestly, I'm pretty certain that they did, er, do the deed , but I never felt comfortable asking her."
Celestia chuckled as she picked the next answer. "Here's a little something I learned in business school: the customer is always…" Her expression shifted faster than Rainbow Dash in Cider Season, going from amused to disgusted before the others could blink. "Shaking a foal until it stops crying. You've got a sick mind , Luna."
"How did you know it was me?" Luna asked in surprise.
"You were smirking, you sick bitch." Celestia huffed and snatched up the last card. "Here's a little something I learned in business school: the customer is always… foreskin? Clearly Luna isn't the only weirdo in this gathering."
"We're princesses, being bat-shit crazy is practically a job requirement," Luna muttered.
"Which of you had the pervy kitty with hands?" Celestia asked, glossing over Luna's comment.
Cadence grinned and raised a hoof. "I've caught up, now!"
"Not for long," Luna said as she selected a question. She smirked at Cadence as she read it. "I suspect this might be a conversation that you've had with Shining Armour. Hey, honey. For the bedroom, were you thinking 'Robin's Egg Blue' or 'blank Pink'?"
Twilight chuckled at that one. "Cadence wouldn't go for pink, she'd blend into the background."
"Damn straight," Cadence agreed.
"I'm not," Twilight said flatly.
"Funnily enough, neither am I," Celestia put in.
Luna rolled her eyes. "We can discuss who prefers sausage or seafood later. For now, just pass your answers over."
The others made noises of amused disgust, a fairly common feature of gatherings such as this, or any private meeting involving Celestia, but they passed their answers over nonetheless. Luna couldn't resist a satisfied chuckle as she picked up the first answer. She raised an eyebrow as she read it. "And you say I've got a sick mind… Hey, honey. For the bedroom, were you thinking 'Robin's Egg Blue' or 'Hospice Care Pink'?"
"Oh, what the f- , er, I mean, that's horrible!" Twilight blurted out.
"I'm curious, what did you almost say there, Twilight?" Cadence asked with a smirk. She casually dodged an airborne cushion a second later.
"Moving on," Luna put in. "Hey, honey. For the bedroom, were you thinking 'Robin's Egg Blue' or 'Oestrogen Pink'?"
Cadence raised an eyebrow. "Is oestrogen actually pink?"
Twilight frowned as she considered. "I wouldn't think so, but there are certain preconceptions that some ponies have about associations between color and ge-"
"Let's leave the biology lesson for later, shall we?" Celestia took a quick sip of tea. "Luna, I believe that there is one answer left."
Luna just shook her head as she grabbed the last card. She let out an almost disappointed sigh before she read it out in a flat monotone, "Hey, honey. For the bedroom, were you thinking 'Robin's Egg Blue' or 'My Son's Husband's Huge Cock Pink'?"
Celestia snorted into her tea while Cadence howled with laughter. Even Twilight let out a reluctant giggle, which she quickly covered with a hoof.
"It appears that the cock wins," Luna remarked. "I know that I certainly prefer it." She held up the card. "Who had the cock?"
Celestia lowered her tea. "Card? Me. Cock? Not nearly recently enough."
"I thought you said you weren't straight?" Twilight asked.
"Not entirely straight," Celestia corrected. "Either way, I've caught up to you now, my pervy purple pony Princess."
"One of those adjectives doesn't sit well with me," Twilight huffed.
"Keep telling yourself that, Twi." Cadence giggled as she picked a question. "Give me ten good ponies and 48 hours. I'll get you blank."
"Pregnant?" Luna quipped.
"A decent birthday orgy?" Celestia suggested.
"That would get you pregnant, too," Luna shot.
"A hardcore selection of sexually transmitted infections?" Twilight deadpanned.
That got a wince out of the other three. Celestia in particular shuddered and put down her tea. "Ugh, there's a few memories I could cheerfully do without."
"I don't want to know!" Cadence cut in quickly. "Just give me your answers and keep your VD stories to yourself!"
"As you wish." Celestia sighed as she flicked through her cards.
After a quick search, the three princesses dropped their answers in front of Cadence. "Olay, I hope you've at least given me some decent answers this time." Tentatively, she picked up the first card, then snorted as she read it, "Give me ten good ponies and 48 hours. I'll get you a sticky tree hole full of pancake sauce."
Twilight scrunched up her nose in distaste. "Why do I get the feeling that that was intended as a euphemism?"
"It certainly reminds me of the phrase 'happy batter'," Celestia mused.
"Mmm, one of my favourite things." Cadence grinned at the disgusted noise Twilight made, already fetching the next answer. "Give me ten good ponies and 48 hours. I'll get you… huh, a disappointing birthday party."
"Or just take Pinkie Pie and ten minutes and you'll get an amazing birthday party," Twilight put in.
Cadence just shrugged and picked up the last card. Give me ten good ponies and 48 hours. I'll get you… carbs." She stared at the card for a second, then placed it on the table and said flatly. "Sticky tree hole wins."
"Huzzah! That would be mine!" Luna cried happily. "Once again we are tied for the lead!"
"If Cadence gets a point this turn, we'll all be tied for the lead," Twilight shot as she grabbed a black card. "Why does my mustache smell so bad?"
"It's constantly buried in my sister's ass?" Luna shot. Both Celestia and Twilight shot her seething glares. Her sister's ire she was used to, but the non-verbal vitriol from Twilight was something new, and it was disturbing enough that Luna decided not to press that particular button again. Not yet, anyway.
"Answers, please ," Twilight forced out through gritted teeth. The others rapidly obliged. A little surprised at how well her own variant of the Stare had been, she kept her face carefully neutral as she shuffled the cards and selected the first answer. "Why does my mustache smell so bad? The inevitable heat death of the universe." Twilight gave the card a calculating look. "The way things have been going recently, I'd better start working on a way to prevent that too. Next, why does my mustache smell so bad?" She rolled her eyes as she read the next answer. "My ex-wife."
"What, did Moondancer not shower or something?" Cadence asked.
"Of course she did!" Twilight shot. "One of the first spells we learned together was how to waterproof books so we could read them in the shower."
Luna smirked. "And yet you do not deny that this Moondancer is your ex-wife."
A faint blush spread across Twilight's cheeks as she quickly grabbed the next answer. "A-anyway! Why does my mustache smell so bad?" She flipped the card over with a snap. "Princess Celestia!"
Luna and Cadence practically exploded into hysterics, while even Celestia had to use her hoof to stifle a chuckle. Twilight's blush went from merely faint to full-blown incendiary as she slowly realized what she had read out.
"Let me assure you all, my ass is not why Twilight's mustache smells so bad," Celestia said evenly. "I make sure to clean it very thoroughly and keep it well perfumed in case of visitors."
"V-visitors to y-your ass?!" Luna asked with difficulty, owing to the fact that she couldn't quite stop laughing.
Celestia shrugged. "A mare can dream, can't she?"
"And that's why I never visit your dreams!" Luna cried.
"Hey, I would if I could," Cadence put in. "Either way, who wins that round?"
Twilight's face was still luminescent as she silently levitated the 'Princess Celestia' card.
"Ha!" Cadence whooped as she snatched the card in her aura. "Hell yeah, four-way!"
"I believe you mean, four way tie," Luna supplied.
Cadence poked her tongue out. "Only because the rest of you are prudes." She added the card to her small pile and grinned. "Round 5?"
"In a moment," Luna replied. "I need to go and water the lilies." In response to Cadence's confused look, she sighed and said flatly. "I need to take a piss. You probably should too, Tia, I've heard that your bladder weakens as you get older and we wouldn't want you to have an accident while laughing."
"Fuck off, Luna." Celestia scowled as Luna left the room, grinning like a Cheshire cat. After a few seconds she sighed and moved to leave as well. Seeing the amused looks on Twilight and Cadence's faces, she frowned and said quickly, "T-this is nothing to do with what Luna said! I just drank a little too… oh, fuck it, who am I kidding. Just don't tell Luna and don't be screwing each other when I get back, okay?"
Author's Note
I thought I lost what little remained of my sanity when I wrote Cards Against Starlight, turns out there was still a little left to burn as I was writing this particular monument to depravity.
Enjoy!
Sunbutt - 4
