Chapters

Twily and Big C
The Last Great Horsefucker
As a Horse
Groove Thang
The Evening Room
Sticks and Stones
Land Sakes
Singy-Birds
Nightmare Moon
Snowflake

Twily and Big C
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My Rustled Jimmies

Twily and Big C

Princess Celestia stood at the head of the massive line to the Gala; she was greeting each and every guest with a cheerful enthusiasm. From behind her reflective sunglasses, she saw a familiar purple unicorn prancing past the line; heading straight for her.

“ Well, shit. There goes my night.” She muttered under her breath.

Celestia grimaced at the thought of dealing with her frustratingly lame student for the entire Gala. But she couldn’t abandon her mission; the reason she gave tickets to Twilight Sparkle and her gang of merry mares was so she could learn the joys of friendship like they could never be learned back in the tiny town of Ponyville. Twilight needed to learn that sometimes, the only thing standing between oneself and a drunken rape is a good friend. The purple unicorn mare reached the front of the line, smiling broadly and curtsying to the Princess. Celestia put on her best fake smile and greeted her.

“ Twilight Sparkle, my most faithful student! I’m so glad you could make it to this year’s annual Grand Galloping Gala!”

Twilight rose, but her smile stayed constant.

“ Princess Celestia, I’m so excited to be here; we have SO MUCH to catch up on!” she said, nearly at shouting volume.

“ Yes,” Celestia replied quietly, “ It’s all so very exciting. But I’m sure you have plenty of things planned for yourself and your friends, so I won’t keep you waiting any longer.”

With that, the Princess turned back to the waiting guests and began greeting again. Twilight stood behind her, smiling, staring. Several minutes passed of Celestia welcoming the Gala guests before the unicorn chirped up again.

“ Why are you wearing sunglasses indoors?” she asked. Celestia didn’t turn around and merely answered over her shoulder.

“ It looks cool; appearances are everything when you’re the boss, Twilight.”

She stepped closer, stopping just short of Celestia’s flowing tail.

“ But it’s not that bright in here, why not just wear an amazing party outfit like everypony else?”

The princess felt a rapid growing of anger in her lungs.
“ This IS my party outfit, Twilight.” She replied, “ And you know what? I think your brother’s over at the drink table; why don’t you go say hello to him?”

Twilight froze at the mention of her big brother, Shining Armor.

“ I don’t think he’s my brother at all.” She whispered, glancing over at a pair of Royal Guards passing by her.

“ Oh no,” Celestia groaned, putting a hoof to her brow. “ Not this again….”

“ I think he’s a spy sent by the changelings!” she declared.

“ Changelings don’t exist.”

“ I think they DO!” Twilight said excitedly, stepping closer behind the princess.

“ They most certainly do not, Twilight; I even sent you a book disproving the myth of changelings, remember?”

But the unicorn could not be slowed down at this point; instead of stopping, she inched even closer to the point where Celestia could almost feel Twilight’s breath on her flank.

“ Well I read a book in Ponyville that states that not only do changelings exist, but they have already breached the highest ranks of Equestrian security!”

Celestia growled at Twilight, “ That so-called ‘professor’ who authored that book knew nothing about science or magic. I thought by now that you would know better than to trust the works of a pony who thought he could survive an expedition through the Everfree forest alone.”

Twilight looked confused, “ When was this?”

“ Shortly after that book was released, he informed me that he was planning an expedition to advance Equestria’s knowledge of the unknown powers of the forest. I had offered him a contingent of guards to protect him; he accepted the help, but once he reached the edge of the forest, he insisted on going it alone and went on his own into the wilderness.”

“Interesting, were you there?” Twilight asked.

“ Well no, Twilight; I have better things to do than babysit some wannabe researcher. My guards informed me of everything once they returned to Canterlot.” Celestia replied.

“ Aaaand you see nothing wrong with that?”

“ Twilight Sparkle, GO TALK TO YOUR BROTHER.” She commanded, still trying to greet every guest entering the Gala.

“ I’m sorry, Princess. But I find it incredibly hard to believe that I’m related to my brother; he doesn’t even look like me, or my parents, or anypony for that matter! He’s too abnormal to be one of us, and he always wears the same ugly red suit to every event he goes to!” Twilight shouted, disregarding the line of staring guests.

Celestia was livid at this point, shutting her eyes and desperately trying to shut out the annoying voice behind her.

“ Twilight, go away. Go have a good time, go drink, go mingle, go chow down on cake. I don’t care what you do, but right now you are driving me up the damn wall and I’M NOT GONNA TAKE THIS SHIT ANYMORE!”

With a roar, Celestia raised her hind legs up and bucked hard at the small unicorn; the force of the mighty kick sent Twilight barreling across the room, through one of the ballroom’s glass doors and skidding along the floor, finally slowing to a halt at the hoofs of her big brother, Shining Armor.

The large white unicorn stallion was busy devouring a plate of appetizers and, as Twilight had predicted, he was dressed in his tacky red suit. Shining looked over from his massacred meal at his crumpled sister; he immediately spat out his half-chewed mouthful and rubbed a grimy hoof across his mouth.

“ TWILY!” he yelled with excitement, making several nearby party guests turn their heads. Twilight looked up at him, dazed, in pain and not to mention stunned that her mentor had just booted her across half the ballroom. She had trouble focusing on the tall figure in front of her, but recognized the incredibly aggravating voice of her brother.

“ IT’S BEEN SOOO LONG SINCE YOU’VE BEEN BACK TO CANTERLOT! YOUR BIG BRO MISSED YOU LIKE, SOOO MUCH!” he shouted with a dopey grin across his face. Twilight sighed and rose to her feet.

“ Hello, Shining Armor.” She said silently, almost as a murmur. She studied her happy brother’s features like she did many times when she was still living in Canterlot; as always, she found everything about him disgraceful.

His streaked blue hair had tiny morsels of food stuck in it, his bright red suit was stained with whatever he’d been drinking that night, be it wine or sarsaparilla; his pure white coat was similarly blotched with the hard work of Canterlot Palace’s finest chefs. Twilight averted her eyes,

“ So… You wore THAT again?” she asked, gesturing to his suit.

“ HAY YEAH I WORE THIS AGAIN! THIS BELONGED TO MY FAVOURITE UNCLE!” he shouted, causing most guests to leave the area.

“ Alrighty then. Well, good luck with that.” Twilight quickly uttered before quickly spinning around to leave. A wall of white blocked her vision; mere inches in front of her stood Princess Celestia. Her shades hid the emotion of her eyes, but her brow and drooped face gave the appearance of sorrow.

“ Twilight Sparkle, my actions were completely uncalled for; I’d like to apologize.” The princess said sullenly. Twilight stared straight-faced at her for a minute, before tearing up.

“ I just wanted t-to spend… time with you.” She whimpered. Celestia lowered her face to meet Twilight eye to eye.

“ I’m sorry for kicking you through a glass door and into the middle of this ballroom filled with dignitaries from around the country. But hey, that’s what friends do to each other sometimes.”

Twilight sniffed, “ Really?”

“ Of course! Just look at those two failures, Applejack and Rainbow Dash; they fight all the time, but are the best of friends.”

They remained still, and the room was silent other than the punctuating sounds of Shining Armor’s resumed feasting.

“ S-so… You don’t hate me?” Twilight asked, magically drying her tears.

“ Of course not, Twilight. You ARE still my star pupil, are you not?”

“ And… And I’m not really annoying?” Twilight asked hopefully.

Celestia cringed slightly, “ Well….” She began, looking into Twilight’s widening eyes. She then turned to her gluttonous brother who was watching intently while chomping on another plate of food. She directed her anger at him.

“ Shining Armor! Your lack of manners is disturbing your fellow party guests. Please tone down your volume and your despicable eating habits, or show yourself out of the Palace.” She snapped. Shining Armor had stopped mid-chew and was staring at her, completely dumbfounded. Twilight then turned on him, too.

“ She’s right, big brother! Stop being so gross!”

The bullied stallion lowered his ears in submission,

“ But I’m not done yet!” he pleaded.

“ Just leave, alright?” Celestia said, followed closely by Twilight.

“ Yeah! Get your act together, loser!”

With that, Shining Armor raced out of the ballroom, chased by their hateful eyes until he was out of site. The angry princess and pupil were truly a team to be feared. Celestia offered her hoof out to her student, who hesitated.

“ Awe, come on, Twilight. Don’t leave your Princess hanging!” Celestia said encouragingly.

Twilight Sparkle slowly raised her own hoof,
“ Like this?” she asked. Suddenly, a small cloud of magic engulfed her outstretched hoof and brought it to contact with Celestia’s own.

“ Like that.” The princess replied. Twilight squealed with glee; she felt something of a higher connection to her mentor through the simple gesture.

“ Now we’re bros, Twilight.” The princess said, almost reluctantly.

“ Does that mean we get to do this all the time?” Twilight asked excitedly. Celestia quickly pulled back her hoof and began walking for the door.

“ No, and bug me to do it, either. We’ll only do it when I decide the time is right, and ONLY then.” She ordered, straight-faced, while Twilight hopped at her side.

“ Well?” Celestia asked, “ Aren’t you going to fill me in on your adventures?”

“ Right! Well, I’ll start with the time when we met a zebra and learned the importance of not judging someone by appearances!”

“Ugh, I’m going to need a drink. Continue.”

“ Well,” Twilight started, as the two approached the expansive ballroom bar.

“ Everypony in Ponyville thought she was evil, simply because she was different.”

“Mhmm?”

“ Well, not me, but all the locals would hide away whenever she came into town. And then when my friend Applejack’s little sister went out to talk to her, we all ran into the Everfree forest to get her back; and we ran right into a large patch of Poison joke!”

“ Wait, poison joke? You mean the blue flower that fucks you up bad?” Celestia asked; her interest surprisingly peaked by something out of Twilight’s mouth.

“ Oh, yes! It was terrible! Have you ever encountered it before?” the unicorn asked.

“ Of course I have, Twilight. I used to live in that forest. What did the poison joke do to you?”

“ It made my horn limp and covered in spots.” The princess laughed at her, “ Hah! You couldn’t get it up, eh?”

“ I really couldn’t, Princess! And I tried everything I knew, but it was still all floppy no matter what I did.” Twilight answered naively; the Princess laughed harder.

“ So, what did the poison joke do to you, Princess?”

“ Oh, it turned me PINK for an entire month. It was dreadful!” Celestia answered back.

The two stopped at the bar and were immediately badgered by a dozen waiters and bartenders; the princess shooed them away and grabbed several bottles and glasses from behind the bar with her magic grasp.

“ You know what, Twilight? You’re alright for an egghead.” She said affirmatively.

“ Excuse me, princess?”

“ Never mind, my student. How’s about a stiff drink to start the night off right?” Celestia asked while expertly mixing together two tall drinks at once. Twilight gulped,

“ I dunno, Princess; I can get pretty wild when I have some liquor in me.” She said warily.

“ Oh, please. Like you’ve ever had more than half a cooler before; you always said something cheesy like, ‘ My body is a temple’ or something along those lines. Or has that changed too since you started your friendship studies in Ponyville?”

Twilight blushed, “ Well, Princess. My friend Pinkie Pie throws some amazing parties… and maybe I’ve gotten a little carried away with the party punch a couple times.”

Celestia patted her heartily on the back.

“ THAT’S the spirit, Twilight! That’s part of the magic of friendship! Trying new things, getting wasted and waking up in bed next to one of your best friends, having out-of-body experiences, stuff like that!”

She leaned in close to Twilight and brought their two drinks in between them.

“ I’m very proud of you, Twilight Sparkle. Here’s to magic.” She whispered; Twilight grabbed her drink from Celestia with her own magic and clinked the two glasses together.

“ And to friendship!”

The Last Great Horsefucker
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My Rustled Jimmies

The Last Great Horsefucker

After so long, it was finally going to happen.

I’d worked so hard, and with such pains to perfect it. My work, which had kept me occupied entirely since that fateful day when Friendship is Magic ended, had cost me my friends and any relationship I had with my family. But it would not be for nothing, because the work is finally done.

The portal to Equestria was COMPLETE!

For decades, I’d slaved over sketches and worktables, perfecting my design and applying it; for decades, I’d been stocking up on the necessary materials to construct this colossal science project. The portal was a metal ring surrounded by an electric blue glow; it emanated an oppressive static sound that tortured my ears. I pressed a few buttons on my totally advanced portal control board and the ring flashed and expanded. The empty space inside filled with a blinding white light that flickered once, twice, before stabilizing. I unbuttoned my lab coat (which I wore more for the novelty of wearing it, than for any other reason) and revealed my ages old tee shirt depicting the mane six in their trademark group shot; I wanted them to see my dedication when the door to their world was opened.

I stepped out from behind my protective glass shield and stared into the light, waiting for some vision of their world to come to me. The light was fading and I could see movement behind it; I saw pastel colors, strange architecture somewhat reminiscent of the Canterlot castle, and I could see red carpets and gilded banners hanging from balconies.

I was going to do it, they never believed me when I told them I was ACTUALLY moving to Equestria. Oh, how those 4chan maggots laughed and teased, not knowing of my immense technological prowess. They said such hurtful things, like: “ OP is a faggot,” and “ Follow me to the gay bathhouse.” How DARE they assume that I’m homosexual, simply because I’m a man who plans to see his dreams through to reality! Fools, they would never know true friendship, not like I was about to.

I grabbed my prepared supply pack, full of useful things like MLP trading cards, a handgun with several boxes of ammunition, a sleeping bag, dozens of MRE’s and all sorts of other things in case my visit is not as well received as I was assured it would be. After all, I would be something of wonder to the little ponies; I had advanced technology like my iPod and my small camcorder, as well as my small pistol – one which I hadn’t practiced with, considering my assumption that I was headed to amazing friendships and not a warzone.

I stepped up the stairs to the platform holding my portal; I could clearly make out the banners of Equestria, and I could see hundreds of dressed ponies mingling in a massive ballroom with dozens of indoor balconies. I was in the castle, in the middle of a party no less. I faltered; perhaps this was not the opportune time to announce my presence to the ponies, maybe interrupting their party would put me at odds with the Princesses – something I would never want, being such a big fan of Luna. However, my fanboyish glee to see real little ponies having fun and being in the castle itself was enough to push my feet closer, passing one through the portal, then the other.

YOLO

I reached out with my feet to touch ground on the other side, but the portal had manifested itself several feet in the air, causing me to stumble through and fall flat on the polished floor in Equestria. I groaned and tongued at a cut on my gums from the fall. I rose slowly and took in my surroundings; I was at a T –intersection of hallways with a huge door to the ballroom right in front of me. Behind, a hallway stretched on and ended at another massive door –this one looked as if it were built of solid gold. To the left and right, the hallways would go for a few dozen meters before curving left and right respectively. I was on my feet, standing awkwardly in front of the ballroom doors, still completely unnoticed by the partygoers. A cold jolt ran up my spine, I feared that I was invisible, capable of watching the ponies but not capable of fully solidifying as a being in this dimension. I glanced back at the portal, still open, would be for a few weeks. My feet once again moved without counsel from my brain – stepping toward the ballroom entrance.

If I was to be invisible, the least I could do was document some of my excursion and return to Earth with valuable evidence to wave in the faces of my enemies on 4chan. That’s it, I would show beyond a doubt that I was right, then go back to work to find a way around the invisibility. That’s when Princess Celestia, THE Princess Celestia, along with her student, Twilight Sparkle, stepped through the doorway towards me.

Something was terribly off about them. The Princess and her student wobbled a bit as they passed through the doorway, a large amount of liquor bottles being magically towed behind them revealed why to me. The Princess was laughing with her student over something, then she turned in my direction and I could see that she was wearing AVIATOR SUNGLASSES. Twilight was in her gala dress from the season one finale, but it was ruffled and her mane was messed.

“ … And then I said to that bitch, ‘ BITCH, DON’T COME IN HERE WITH YOUR STRIPES AND WHATNOT AND TELL ME WHERE TO GO. YOU GET ME THAT HEALING BREW OR I’LL HAVE YOU EAT EVERY PETAL FROM EVERY POISON JOKE PLANT IN THE EVERFREE FOREST! And… uh… and you know what she says? “

Twilight cocked her drunken head to one side, “ What’d… what’d she say?”

Celestia pointed in my direction with a hoof, “ She says, ‘ Fuck you, I’ll make no such healing brew!’ I mean what the fuck?! I thought those Zebras liked doing shit like that! Fucking bitches, so yeah, I got her friend to make the brew and I fucking drank it and it made me EVEN PINKER! So I threw them both in the fungeon for some punishment later on.”

“ P-princess… you mean a dungeon?”

“ No, Twilight, I mean FUNgeon. Fun times for me, sometimes fun times for them.”

Twilight looked in my direction and froze.

“ Princess… ali-*hic*… alien!” she cried. Apparently I wasn’t so invisible after all.

“ Yeah, I know it’s there. But fuck it, I got no time for humans right now.” The princess said dismissively. And they continued along, passing me by, and went down the hallway to the golden door.

No time for humans? What the hell? I followed out of curiosity, but they reached the door first and turned to me.

“ Seriously, bro.” The princess said, incredibly strange coming from her voice, “ Go home and fucking stay there, or I’ll break your shit.”

With that, they left through the door and closed it on me. I decided to wander a bit, perhaps I’d see another of the mane six – perhaps they’d even notice my shirt! But when I turned, I was faced with none other than Shining Armor, as well as at least a dozen Unicorn Guards.

Shining Armor was unlike I’d expected as well, maybe even more than the Princess. His face was riddled with crumbs and his red suit – the one from the season two finale – was splashed with whatever he’d been drinking all night. Food was in his mane and all over his hooves, and his white fur coat was tainted with the same stains and crumbs. In other words, not the clean and well-mannered royal pony I was expecting. I wanted to laugh, but the seriousness in his stare was enough to kill my urge – as well as my feelings of wonder. I was incredibly frightened that I would be imprisoned and interrogated. A blue glow surrounded my body and I was forcefully lifted up into the air. I tried to scream and thrash, but another glow wrapped my head and clenched my throat. I couldn’t see or breathe, but I could still smell the crumbs and sarsaparilla off of Shining Armor as we descended several levels through the castle.

As a Horse
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My Rustled Jimmies

As a Horse

Though the Castle ballroom was already fully packed, the line to enter stretched far beyond the gates and into Canterlot city. Outside the front entrance, Applejack’s refreshments cart stood to serve the waiting partygoers. She’d only been set up for a minute when Soarin’, veteran flyer of the Wonderbolts aerial team, trotted up to her cart.

“ Howdy, Partner! Ya hungry?” she asked. The lively Pegasus nodded vigorously,

“ As a HORSE!” he declared loudly; two mares behind him standing in the line shot him nasty looks. Applejack hissed at him,

“ Whoa there, don’tcha be talkin’ like that round civilized ponies, ya hear?”

Soarin’ huffed, “ Please, I know those mares eyeing me up – and let me tell you, they’re only civilized outside the bedroom.”

He looked back at the embarrassed mares, now casting their eyes anywhere but him,

“ Ain’t that right, ladies?” he called back over his shoulder.

Applejack smiled, feeling a little less out-of-place around the shameless stallion. She squinted at his tight Wonderbolt uniform.

“ Say, ain’tcha one o’ them fancy Pegasi who did the airshow? The… Wonderbolts, ain’t it?” she asked.

Soarin’ held his head high, “ That’s right! You saw our performance, huh?”

“ Ah saw bits an’ pieces of it, ah’m sure mah Pegasus friend will be fillin’ me in all tha way home.”

Soarin lit up at the mention of her friend, “ A Pegasus, eh? Is it a he or she?”

“It’s a she, least ah think so. Can’t say ah ever checked.” Applejack answered with a serious face.

“ Oh, so she might be a he?” Soarin’ asked, Applejack shrugged.

“ Well…” he paused, “ Is he open minded?”

Applejack cracked up and shook her head. “ Ah’m just playin’, Wonderbolt; she’s definitely a mare!”

“ So you HAVE checked!” he teased. Applejack blushed slightly,

“ Well, we’re good friends… ah mean, ah see her up close a lot. So yeah, there’s been times where ah’d seen her plumbin’ if ya know what ah mean.”

Soarin’ grinned, “ I like where this is going.”

“ Now it ain’t like that, ya naughty pony.” Applejack laughed,

“ Ah never touched her or anythin’”

Soarin’ closed in a bit over the refreshments cart’s counter,

“But you’ve wanted to, right?”

Applejack rolled her eyes, “ Oh brother, even if ah really was some desperate filly chaser, ah wouldn’t touch them ‘thunderthighs’ with a ten foot pole.”

Soarin’ cocked his head, “ Wait a minute, is she big-assed or something? What do you mean by ‘thunderthighs’?”

“ Oh no, she’s a stringy one. Ah just call’er ‘thunderthighs’ sometimes on account o’ her cutie mark bein’ a cloud shootin’ lightnin’.”

“ Is she black? I saw a black mare with a grey mane and-“

“ Naw, that ain’t her.” Applejack said, cutting him off. Soarin’ sighed in relief.

“ Good, because she was UUUG-LY.”

Applejack chuckled, “ Don’t worry ‘bout trackin’ down ol’ Rainbow Dash. When she sees yer costume, she’ll come runnin’. Now enough about mah friend, how ‘bout we talk ‘bout yer hunger?”

Soarin’ didn’t take his eyes off Applejack, “ Yeah, I’ve got a real hunger for something right now.”

Applejack motioned to her treats on display. “ Is that a hankerin’ fer apples ya got?”

“Yeah, “ he said, licking his lips, “ There are some apples I’d like to sink my teeth into.”

Applejack’s eyes narrowed, “ Them apples ain’t fer sale, partner.”

Soarin’ pouted, “ C’mon, even for a Wonderbolt like me?”

“ ESPECIALLY fer a Wonderbolt like you.”

“Fine,” Soarin’ said, sounding only slightly frustrated. But then his eyes fell on the perfectly baked, golden-crusted apple pie perched upon one of the cart’s shelves, and lit up.

“ I’LL TAKE THAT BIG APPLE PIE!”

Applejack grinned, “ That’ll be two bits, sir, thank ya kindly!”

Soarin’ hastily dropped two bits into Applejack’s bit bucket and received his pie. Applejack cheered as the Pegasus sped away with his treat,

“ YEEHAW! In the first minute, I made mah first sale, just like ah expected!”

Then, she remembered his complete unawareness of Rainbow Dash’s existence. She scratched her chin with her hoof in contemplation.

“ Strange, ah thought Rainbow Dash said she was gonna give’em a surprise audition to their fruity lil’ team durin’ the show. Ah wonder what she’s up to.”

*************************************************************************************************************************************************************

Outside the castle walls, several rows of trailers stood behind a recently built chain link fence. Above it’s gated entrance, a blue banner with gilded edges hung down.

THE WONDERBOLTS
GRAND GALLOPING GALA PERFORMANCE!

A single Royal Unicorn Guard paced about behind the gate –diligent, but alone. Just a few yards out, behind a tree, Rainbow Dash hunched down in her elaborate Gala dress; she planned her path inside.

“ Okay, let’s get this straight.” She whispered to herself, “ I fly above the guard, do a somersault, pick the lock to Spitfire’s trailer, look through ALL her shit, borrow a Wonderbolts’ uniform, try it on, take some keepsakes, and be gone before anypony realizes I’m here.”

Rainbow Dash smirked, “ Bulletproof.”

The Unicorn Guard flashed his magic light between the trailers as he passed them; every now and then, he’d peer through the windows and try the doors, just to be certain that no crazed fans had somehow slipped him by. What he did not do, however, was look up. Rainbow Dash glided past him without a hitch and landed on the roof of one of the centre trailers. She noticed how the moonlight glinted off her headpiece, so she quickly removed it and tossed it aside. Sorry Rarity, she thought, I’ll come back for it later. The hook and eye on her headpiece disconnected in mid-air; the two halves of her golden laurel wreath clanged off the metal roof noisily, causing Rainbow Dash to wince and pray the guard did not hear. After a long silence, she leapt to the ground. The trailer she’d landed on had a door with a lightning bolt-shaped sign; in the center of the bolt was the name,

SOARIN’

“ Well,” Rainbow whispered, “ It wouldn’t hurt to take a peek.” She slinked up to the trailer door to pick it, but the door was slightly ajar. Rainbow Dash gently pushed the door open with a hoof and cautiously stepped inside. The first thing to assault Rainbow’s senses was the smell; the heavy air carried the stench of weeks old pastry leftovers, a concentrated odor of several emptied cans of energy drink stung her nostrils like bees, an all-encompassing stink of body odor and sex hung in the air and caused her to gag and choke on each breath. Moonlight crept into the room from the open door; it illuminated a sprawling graveyard of piecrusts, empty pie tins, crushed energy drink cans and discarded clothes. The ground was riddled with old potato chips and hay fries that crunched under Rainbow Dash’s every step.

“ Okay, focus, Rainbow Dash.” She whispered, “ Just a peek through this trash bin and I’m gone.” She stepped past the illuminated parts and into the darkness; with each step further into the dark, her hooves struggled more and more to find solid ground. Each step landed on some unknown object, many of them being greasy and slippery to the touch. She dreaded the idea of tripping and falling into the strange and smelly piles of unidentified garbage.

Groove Thang
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My Rustled Jimmies

Groove Thang

The ballroom band played gentle baroque music as the highest-class ponies from all across Equestria mingled and enjoyed boundless refreshments, courtesy of the royal castle chefs. Amongst the brightly dressed, jewel-clad mares in the ballroom, one outshined them all in both beauty and grace. Rarity glided past flocks of admiring mares and stallions; her complexion radiated confidence, but inside, she was getting anxious as the moment of meeting her true love approached. Somewhere in this ballroom, standing on the same tiles as her, listening to the same music as her, was he: Prince Blueblood. She passed the V.I.P. area, seeing the Wonderbolts arrive from their opening show.

“ Always hungry after a show, eh Soarin’?” asked Spitfire, Captain of the Wonderbolts. The pale blue Pegasus stallion approached with his sacred pie from Applejack’s cart,

“ Yeah!” he replied enthusiastically, dropping the pie from his mouth simultaneously. The precious apple pie flipped in the air; Soarin’ gasped in horror as his prize dropped to the floor.

“ MY PIE!” The pie landed upside-down with a loud splat, oozing out steam and juices from under its broken crust. Soarin’ stared in stunned silence; his breath picked up, becoming shallow and on the verge of hyperventilating. Spitfire put a hoof around his neck,

“ Calm down, Soarin’; there’s plenty of food in here.” She comforted, but the stallion backed away from her.

“ NO! They don’t have pies, and I’m not eating any of that high-class horsecrap!” he yelled angrily, stamping his hooves. Spitfire shushed him,

“ Do not use that kind of language in the royal castle!” she hissed. Soarin’ clamped his eyes shut and his lip quivered; the Wonderbolts Captain once again put her hoof around him and guided him away from the V.I.P. section.

“ There, there, Soarin’. Now, where did you get the pie?” she asked. The sulking Pegasus stallion pointed a hoof to the ballroom doors.

“ You got it outside?” she asked; Soarin’ nodded.

“ Would you feel better if I got you another one?” Soarin’ nodded again.

“ Alright,” Spitfire finished, “ You wait here, and I’ll be back in a second with a pie that’s every bit as good as that one.” She flew above the party and out the ballroom doors. Rarity rolled her eyes at their unrefined demeanor and kept her stride whilst passing Soarin’s once-immaculate apple pie.

“ Honestly, I do not see what Rainbow Dash loves so much about those cads.” She muttered under her breath. But the Wonderbolts’ rude break of her concentration was short lived and as quickly as the pie incident had happened, Rarity was already back on track with her hunt for the dashing prince Blueblood.

That’s when it happened, a miraculous moment: the masses of ponies parted, a path was opened straight through the middle of the crowd, and at the end of that path, was he. A stallion in a fine black suit, with a flowing amber mane and tail, and a coat of pure, painstakingly groomed white fur, stood at the doorway to one of the castle’s many exclusive gardens. Physically, Blueblood was the epitome of masculinity; every muscle was toned and flexed with every step he took, his teeth were as immaculate a white as his coat, his eyes were an icy arctic blue that sent a delightful tingle down Rarity’s dress-clad back, because they were gazing right into her own.

*************************************************************************************************************************************************************

Elsewhere, Pinkie Pie hopped about in a separate ballroom of equal size and occupation. The band gracefully played on and many gentleponies mingled, but the pink pony trotted in place; her mouth was gaping and her cerulean eyes sparkled at the beautiful decorum of the Gala.

“ Big shiny dance floor? Check! Pretty party ponies? Check! Fancy band? CHECK!” she cried, racing to the centre of the ballroom.

“ Pinkie Pie? BIG CHECK! And with our powers combined, we form… THE BEST PARTY EVER!” she cheered, before breaking into song.

“I’m at the Grand Galloping Gala,
I’m at the Grand Galloping Gala,
I’m at the Grand Galloping Gala,
It’s all I ever dreamed!”

Pinkie capered and leaped along the shiny floor, hugging ponies at random and disrupting the band’s groove.

“ It’s all I ever dreamed, woo hoo!
It’s all I ever dreamed, yippee!
I’m at the Grand Galloping GalaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAA-“

Just then, she stopped cold; Pinkie scanned the room, the shocked and annoyed faces of the partygoers, the halted band, but it was not them that had unnerved her.

At that moment, her hoof began to ache.

“Huh… That’s funny. I don’t think my hoof’s ever done that before.” She mused, forgetting all about the shiny floor, the ponies, and the band. Her aching hoof told her that something was about to happen, but what? Was it even bad? She couldn’t be sure, but past experiences taught her not to let her guard down when her Pinkie sense acted up – even when the sensations all point to positives. So, instead of shaking her groove thang on the dance floor, or feasting, or drinking, or anything like she’d been dreaming of for the past few months, she stood there silently, wondering what to do next.

“ I… I wonder what Fluttershy’s up to.” She said aloud, earning every curious gaze from the others in the ballroom, before dashing away.

*************************************************************************************************************************************************************

Above the majestic Castle, the clear night sky seemed to be dressed just as extravagantly as the thousands of ponies partying below. The stars all twinkled like perfect diamonds and the moon’s calm, pale light caressed the capital city of Canterlot – still bustling with life, as well as the tranquil fields and woodlands that rest below the mountain on which Canterlot is perched. Though the noise of the Gala’s fireworks could be heard throughout the city and for miles around, a massive garden inside the castle walls was a haven from the racket, Princess Celestia’s personal garden. A spell held the sounds of the outside world at bay, so that the multitude of wondrous and exotic creatures within could live peacefully.

The secluded garden had few visitors besides the Princess – just a single groundskeeper and sometimes, an occasional guest of Celestia’s for more private meetings. But today, a new pony was wandering among the rare specimens of trees and flowers. Fluttershy buzzed just off the lush, grassy ground and gaped in awe at the magnificence of nature. Birds of all colors and kinds sang vibrant songs from the treetops, bunnies and monkeys and wallaroos roamed freely, every gorgeous flower was in bloom, and the best part: she could enjoy it all in private. No line-ups, or nosey stewards, or loudmouth ponies frightening all the animals away. The yellow Pegasus trotted into a clearing where several critters were lounging.

“Oh! I see a toco toucan! And a spider monkey! And, oh! Is that a wallaroo?” she gushed, raising her voice just above her usual noise level of silent, as she flew to meet the beautiful creatures. But as soon as they laid eyes on her, they sprang back into the thick underbrush and were out of sight. Fluttershy landed and sulked in the now empty clearing.

“ Oh, Fluttershy. You’re such a loudmouth….” She sighed. Just then, a melody caught her attention from farther in the garden. She perked up and listened to the simple, yet elegant song of an expert singer – one of Equestria’s many songbirds, no doubt. The yellow Pegasus lit up at another chance to befriend the timid fauna of Celestia’s garden. The melody repeated, and this time she joined it with her own rendition; Fluttershy’s softer voice was answered by the bird’s livelier warble, which made her squeak with glee.

“ I think it’s calling to me. It’s exactly what I wished for!” she said with renewed hope before racing in the direction of the songbird.

The Evening Room
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My Rustled Jimmies

The Evening Room

The solid gold door closed behind Princess Celestia and Twilight Sparkle who were now standing at the entrance of a wide, round lounge room with unspeakably lavish amenities. The entire room had a lavender hue; the round walls were painted with depictions of stars and wispy clouds that seemed to move ever so slightly on their own; ahead of them, a rather large mini-bar extended out from the wall with a selection of alcohols that at least matched the more public bars downstairs; the floor was soft and shifted under every step, being made of some sort of super-condensed cloud-like material that must have cost a fortune; several large cushions lay on the floor for ponies to rest on that were made of some exotic, reflective silver fabric that looked finer than silk; one other door was connected to the room to their right that looked as if it were made of solid silver. Twilight looked up and noticed that the ceiling was shaped like a dome and was a much darker shade of purple that turned to blue the closer it came to the top. At the top, a pale moon shined light down on the room, surrounded by twinkling stars that were DEFINITELY moving; the slow shifting of the stars were enough to cause Twilight to lose balance and stumble on her drunken hooves, landing on her side on the cloud floor.

Princess Celestia grinned at her and walked to the centre of the room.

“ Pretty swanky, huh? This is what I call the Evening Room. It’s a nice, cozy place to drink’n’shit.” She said; Twilight nodded her head, though the princess had her back turned. Celestia emitted a bulb of light from her horn that traveled to the moon on the ceiling and vanished into it.

“ Of course, this shit’s got a… A fucking OTHER FUNCTION!”

The moon flashed and exploded into a mesmerizing lightshow, splashing the entire room in vibrant, dancing colors. Celestia swayed herself side to side as a fast beat started from nowhere in particular; Twilight gave an attempt at swaying too, but merely sank closer to the floor. The beat picked up, getting faster, louder and more intricate. Several bottles floated off the bar and opened, flying to Celestia’s side; she examined one of them briefly, and then guzzled the entire bottle in mere seconds. The princess passed the next bottle to Twilight, who could hardly handle it in her magic grasp; she brought the drink to her lips and tipped it upside-down. One gulp, two, three, a struggling four, then she spewed the rest all over the floor. Celestia laughed and tried to take the bottle back, but the Unicorn clamped her front legs around the bottleneck and groaned in protest.

“ Fuck off… Not done, p’incess.” She moaned, sliding with the nearly empty bottle towards Celestia. Then another voice boomed from outside the silver door.

“ WE WILL PUNISH THE TRESSPASSER THAT HAST SO FOOLISHLY INTRUDED INTO OUR PRIVATE CHAMBERS! “

The silver door burst open and an alicorn with a dark sapphire blue coat and rippling, translucent blue mane barged in; her eyes were a solid white and her long horn surged with magic electricity. Twilight gasped and staggered towards the golden door, but Celestia knocked her back to the ground with a hoof and motioned for her to stay.

“ Sister, stop it. You’re scaring my student.” Celestia commanded the aggressive alicorn.

“ SISTER! FOR WHAT REASON HAST THOU ENCROACHED ON MY PERSONAL LOUNGE? DIDST THOU NOT BUILD IT SPECIFICALLY SO THAT I COULD ENJOY SOME PRIVACY?” the alicorn retorted in her booming voice.

“ This AIN’T EVEN your fucking lounge, Luna! This is the Evening Room and it’s MINE!” Celestia yelled back. Luna scoffed and eased her stance; her horn ceased glowing and her eyes cleared to reveal mild cyan eyes.

“ Thou art a pathetic drunkard, sister. This is the Night Room, and it is MINE. Thou hast the Morning Room, the Afternoon Room, and the Evening Room.” She explained, shooting a bulb of light into the ceiling moon and stopping the fast music. Celestia stared at her in silence for a minute before replying.

“ I’m not a fucking dr-drunk… You bitch.” She finally said, her multiple open bottles of liquor clinking together at her side. Luna turned and recognized the Unicorn that was still lying on the floor and pointed an accusing hoof at her.

“ TWILIGHT SPARKLE OF PONYVILLE! IT WAS THOU WHO UNLEASHED THE POWERS OF HARMONY UPON US AND TOOK AWAY OUR DARK POWERS!” Luna boomed, rattling Twilight’s drunken brain. She covered her ears with her hooves and hunkered down closer to the floor.

“ Ishgood…eh?” Twilight mumbled; Luna looked to her sister for help.

“ I dunno what she meant.” Celestia answered, shrugging.; Luna shook her head at the two inebriated ponies.

“ What happened, sister?” she asked; Celestia scratched her head with a hoof.

“ Whaddya mean, ‘what happened’? We jus’ thought we’d crash here for a bit and have some drinks, fuck.”

“ No, sister.” Luna continued, “ I mean what happened since my banishment to make thou such a pitiful ruler?”

“ WHOA! Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, here. I built this castle, and I kept this land safe and I cared for all my little ponies while you, ‘miss Night’, were trapped in that massive flying eyesore that you love so fucking much called the MOON!” Celestia retorted. Luna seemed more disappointed than angry at her older sister, who was surrounded by a flock of floating liquor bottles and was shielded behind her reflective aviator shades.

“ Remember the early days, dear sister? Remember when we ruled with such grace and majesty as to actually warrant the love and admiration of our subjects? Now just… Well, just look at thyself! Inebriated, stained, wobbly on thy feet; to think I once saw you as a role model! To think we once had so much in common with each other, that the only true differences between us two were in color and time of day over which we ruled.” Luna lamented, bowing her head in shame as gracefully as she could. Her sister stood awkwardly, setting down her bottles and adjusting her shades upon her face. Suddenly, a bottle flew through the air and knocked into Luna’s head with a resounding bonk. The Night Princess reeled from the attack that left a large purple bruise above her left eye and cursed in her booming Canterlot voice.

“ WRETCHED SOULS OF TARTURUS! WHAT IS THE TRAITOROUS DEVIL THAT HATH FORFEITED ITS MISERABLE LIFE TO OUR FIRE?”

Luna snapped her head up with the same white eyes and surging horn, her nostrils flared and she gritted her teeth hard in blind rage. The princess looked over the room, but the culprit was not hard to spot; over by the golden door, Twilight Sparkle stood shakily, but glared hard at Luna.

“ You shut your loud mouth, Nightmare Moon! I kicked yer fuckin’ ass in the forest and I’ll kick it again right here in the EVENIN’ ROOM!” Twilight threatened; Luna growled and expanded her magic aura into a blinding ball of blue light. Celestia stepped in between the two and tried to calm her furious sister.

“ You two cut it out, now. She through a fucking bottle at you, sister – it’s not the end of the world. We’ll just gather our shit and hop over to my rooms and leave you to your… business.”

Luna lowered her magic aura and pointed at Twilight.

“ I don’t want to see thine little minion once more tonight, or I swear on the moon that I’ll have that Unicorn tortured to death.”

Celestia nodded and started for the golden door, magically snagging Twilight by the hairs of her mane and dragging her along. Though the two royal sisters may have settled their dispute for the time being, the drunken purple Unicorn was still hot tempered.

“ You bet- you better run, you fu-....” Twilight started, but Celestia stopped her by shoving another big bottle of liquor into her mouth; the Unicorn went to work draining the bottle’s contents down her throat as fast as possible, getting closer and closer to the exit.

Celestia was still quite far from sober, but she could walk relatively straight and think somewhat clearly; now, she realized her mistake. She looked down at Twilight, who had already downed most of the bottle; a hostile glint was in her eyes, and her dilated pupils were set dead on Luna. Celestia brought Twilight close to her mouth and hissed into her ear.

“ Don’t you dare, Sparkle. Don’t you fucking DARE.”

In hindsight, giving a large bottle of liquor to an angry, drunken Unicorn who’s already proven that she can throw such a bottle with speed and accuracy at her enemies – WHILE she’s still in the presence of the enemy she’d previously thrown a bottle at… May not have been the best idea.

Twilight gripped the emptied bottle in her magic aura and flung it savagely at Luna’s head, aimed right at the same spot where the welt from her previous attack was still swelling. However, the princess was ready and blocked the incoming bottle with a magic shield; the bottle shattered on impact and shot pieces of glass all over the cloud floor. She retaliated swiftly, building a swirling ball of aura with a flash of her eyes, and firing it right into Twilight’s belly. The small purple Unicorn was ripped from Celestia’s magic grasp- or, at least from what she’d grasped, as Celestia looked down to find that her aura still held onto a large clump of Twilight’s mane-hair. Twilight was sent flying at the golden doors, knocking one of the heavy doors open; she tumbled along the polished hallway on the other side, finally coming to a halt in a battered heap against the right side wall. Celestia snarled at her younger sister,

“ FUCKING BITCH!” she growled as her aura swept up several shards of glass from the floor and shot them towards Luna. The Night Princess flapped her wings once and dodged upwards, outside of Celestia’s attack. She sent another ball of aura at her sister, thwacking hard against her nose and knocking her aviator shades onto the cloud floor. Celestia staggered and shook off her dizziness from the blow; her white horn glowed and fired a salvo of bright rays of light at her sister, who was now hovering in the air. Luna projected her shield against them and blocked them out easily, and then she expanded it far enough to make Celestia back away.

“ We’re gonna get really fucking mean here, sister. You sure you wanna step?” Celestia uttered as her glowing horn gleamed brighter.

“ You really want to go downtown? All right, bitch. We can go downtown, then.”

With that, Celestia roared and stabbed at Luna’s shield with her horn, piercing and instantly shattering it; Luna gasped at the sudden break of her spell. She saw Celestia speed up into the air and charge at her, eyes glowing a similar white with massive amounts of magical energy. The two sibling princesses flew about the room exchanging bolts of energy and fire; smoke and electricity filled the air as the two powerful alicorns relentlessly battled in the Night Room, shocking the paint off the walls, burning out the lights, tearing apart the cloud floor in the fight.

Sticks and Stones
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My Rustled Jimmies

Sticks and Stones

Somewhere along the line in my blind journey through the castle, I lost consciousness. When I had awoken, my limbs were restrained and I was still unable to see at all. The sound of hooves clopping across the hard floor approached me; I struggled vainly, but anyone could tell that escape was out of the question. The twinkling sound of a Unicorn’s magic was followed by the same blue glow from before. The sack pulled over my head was ripped off and I was once again face-to-face with Twilight’s brother, Shining Armor. I was still shaken up from my original encounter and stuttered as I talked.

“ Wh-where am I?” I asked, eyes darting frantically about. My limbs were tied down on a rack that was seemingly built just for my kind, being too large for the ponies I’d seen. I felt the cold metal and wood structure against skin, and upon looking down, I realized that I was only wearing my MLP shirt at this point. The room was confining and much darker than the rest of the castle; the walls and floor were the same chestnut brown cobblestones and the only light in the room was from a dim lantern hanging low from the ceiling; it casted long shadows over the floor from several other restraining contraptions crowding the room. But wait, how could I be sure that I was still in the castle?

“ You tell me; you must have an idea, considering you’re wearing a shirt with a photo of my little sis and her friends on it.” He said coldly. I knew I was in deep shit; perhaps wearing this shirt was not the best idea for a first impression. But I felt strangely determined to get a simple answer out of him, so I tried again.

“ Are we still in the cas-“
“ ENOUGH QUESTIONS, SHITFUCKER!” Shining barked, breaking my question and causing me to flinch. The stallion put a grimy hoof to his chest,

“ I’m in charge, here. So I ask the questions and you answer them, understand? But before anything, I’ve got to make sure there’s no more of you ugly humans coming through that portal.” Behind him, a heavy metal door creaked open and two hefty Earth stallions walked in. One was a bone white with a cutie mark of two wooden stakes; the other was the same bone white with a cutie mark of a pile of rocks. They looked identical, other than the cutie marks that gave me many terrifying predictions as to what’s to come. Both stared without emotion, or blinking for that matter; Shining Armor gestured to them.

“ Sticks and Stones will soften you up a bit while I’m gone. Just to make sure you’re ready to talk about your homeland.” Shining Armor then turned to leave us. Sticks and Stones, seriously? It was not really all that funny, considering my predicament, but I let out a quiet scoff, anyhow. Just then, Shining Armor twisted back around and glared at me, bearing his dirty teeth.

“ Oh, so we got a tough guy here, huh?” Oh shit. Oh shit! He heard me. Now they’d surely show me how they got their cutie marks, be it impaling stakes into my hands, or… Whatever the stones may imply. Perhaps he stones his victims to death, or piles rocks on top of them until they are crushed under the weight. I had no idea what to expect from these ponies, considering the darker aspects of their world such as torture were never exactly covered in Friendship is Magic.

“ Well good,” he smiled cruelly, “ Sticks and Stones love tough guys. And you know what? I know enough about human anatomy to know that your balls hang out like a couple of cherries.” Why did Shining Armor know anything about human anatomy, and why would he abruptly bring up testicles to a prisoner, unless…I gasped; surely Twilight’s brother would not be capable of such torture!

“ Wait!” I hollered desperately, “ I’ll tell you anything, ANYTHING! You don’t have to torture me!” But he just shrugged and kept walking.

“ Well, just to make sure, we’re going to do it anyway. See ya!” He left, and then it was just myself, and the two large stallions that were about to shatter my testicles into a million pieces still in the room. They stepped closer and I immediately lost control; I thrashed against my restraints and screamed as loud as I could, hoping somepony somewhere with less cruel intentions would hear and come to my rescue.

“ Stop! STOP DAMMIT I’M FUCKING SORRY! I’LL GO HOME AND NEVER COME BACK JUST DON’T BREAK MY NUTS GOD PLEEEAAASE!”

I sobbed into my shoulder and braced myself as the two silent ponies approached. I heard gears turning, and the binds on my arms and legs tightened; the sound of leather straining against the rack’s metal frame made me think of my muscles and ligaments which were being tugged just as tightly with every inch lost to the revolving gears.

I heard one of the ponies moving items off of a table to my side, something heavy and metal. I peaked, but could not see a thing, other than the upper half of one of the two similar ponies leaning on the rack. I shut my eyes tight again.

“ Alright, alien. After we take away your… mating privileges, you can tell the captain all about what you’re doing here.” Said Sticks… or Stones, I wasn’t sure. But the voice was low and menacing enough to make my heart leap a bit. I turned my head, seeing one of them standing to my right, and the other came around to stand beside him; in his jaws, he held a strangely shaped vice-looking sort of thing. It was matte black, probably made of iron or some pony equivalent. The pony began making his way to my lower half and I started thrashing again. They can’t do this, they’re PONIES! They love friendship, and kindness, and all sorts of other things, but THIS WAS NOT IN THE SHOW!

“ Come on, guys! You-you don’t have to do this! I’ll talk. I’LL TALK!” I screamed, shifting my body as far from the pony’s tool as possible, but it was not far enough.

“ Actually, we’d prefer if you kept your mouth shut.” Said the one next to my bound legs, now holding the vice thing in his hooves.

I could see his cutie mark as he closed in. Stones, the pony who did this was Stones… Now I get it, these guys must think they’re absolutely hilarious. Bastards.

Land Sakes
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My Rustled Jimmies

Land Sakes

Applejack confidently stood at her cart, displaying a myriad of delectable home-baked Apple Family apple goods, including apple fritters, apple fries, caramel apples and several bottles of her family’s sensational apple cider; perched on a shelf was the other apple pie that she’d brought, standing out as the crown jewel of her refreshments cart. She happily proclaimed to herself,

“ First minute, first sale!”

A bolt of flaming light shot out of the castle and past the long line of partygoers still waiting to get inside, trailed by a thin stream of cloud that spat tiny sparks of electricity into the air, before dispersing. The speeding light came to an abrupt stop right next to Applejack’s cart, revealing itself as Captain Spitfire; the wind from her momentum travelled on and nearly took off Applejack’s embroidered Stetson hat, made especially for the Grand Galloping Gala by Rarity. The Captain quickly spotted the pie and pointed a hoof at it.

“ Excuse me, but how much is that pie there?” she swiftly asked. Applejack’s eyes were still wide from the sudden gust of wild wind as she re-adjusted her hat to fit the comfortable groove it had formed on her mane.

“ Land sakes, if ya go any faster the next time, you’ll take mah head right off!”

Spitfire looked back and fluttered her wings, smiling confidently at the two powerful magical tools that had carried her from childhood to her majesty’s service – and coincidently, stardom.

“ Yeah, sorry about that. I guess I’ve still got some post-performance adrenaline pumping in these wings.”

Applejack smiled disarmingly, “ No worries, Wonderbolt. Ya feeling hungry?”

Spitfire shook her head, “ Not me, I’ve already had my fill from the hors d’oeuvre tables inside. But, my wingpony Soarin’ only wants pie.”

“ Soarin’ eh? That one was just here a second ago, and he already bought mah other pie. I guess he really is hungry as a horse!” Applejack replied, and Spitfire scrunched her nose at “horse”. Applejack noticed and hastily apologized,

“ Sorry, ma’am. Guess I got a little too used to his way’o’talkin’. Uh- y’all were looking at buying that pie?”

“ Sure am!”

Applejack lifted the pie off its shelf and held it out; the succulent apple pastry’s enticing aroma wafted up to Spitfire’s nose. Her eyes widened, having to admit internally that Soarin’ was on to something if this pie was as delicious to eat as it was to smell.

“ That’ll be two bits, Wonderbolt!” said Applejack, still brandishing the pie to the captivated Spitfire. She snapped back to reality,

“ Huh? Oh, right, payment. Two bits, you said?” she replied, before turning and flaring her wings for takeoff.

“ I’ll be right back. Just got to grab two bits from my trailer.” She said, and then zoomed into the sky, leaving behind a puff of electric cloud. Applejack shrugged, speaking to herself,

“ Ah’m not holdin’ it for ya, Wonderbolt. Better hurry on back.”

The line into the party stretched on, and Applejack was starting to notice some irritated looks in the crowd.

“ What’s the big hold-up?” one mare said,

“ If this takes any longer, I might just get desperate!” said another,

“ I’m starving, I’m tired, and I need a drink right now!” said a third.

Applejack sat back, thinking to herself.

If this line keeps up, then Ah’ll be swimmin’ in customers!

*******************************************************

The trailers were nearby, but still a lengthy stroll for non-Pegasi; for Spitfire, ace flyer and Captain of the Wonderbolts, it was the blink of an eye. She slowed down as she passed over the chain link fence and waved to the lone Unicorn Guard.

“ How’s it going, Pilum? Any intruders lately?” She asked. The Unicorn shook his head, smiling at the Captain.

“ None so far, ma’am. Unless they’re being craftier than usual.”

Spitfire scoffed, “ Or they could be flying. You sure didn’t see me coming up, did you?”

“ Well no, but I knew you were coming.” Pilum replied, “ I could hear you flying from a mile away with all that thunder and lightning chasing you.”

Spitfire landed and trotted along rows of trailers, heading for her own; Pilum followed beside her. The two came to hers; she unlocked the door and headed inside. Spitfire’s trailer was a lot like herself: clean and orderly. Her bed was in the far right corner and her Wonderbolt colored sheets were already made for the night, a stack of unstamped posters were on her desk along with an inkpad of black ink, her small closet was filled with fresh uniforms and closed, several Wonderbolts posters hung around the large room – most of them depicting herself, other than a tiny neat bathroom and a Wonderbolts blue carpet, her trailer was empty.

She reached into a compartment on the desk and pulled out two bits. Then she heard the guard shouting outside.

“ Captain! Soarin’s door is open!”

She muttered to herself and went out to meet the guard.

“ For Celestia’s sake… What’s going on, Pilum?”

The guard pointed to the wide open door of Soarin’s trailer; Spitfire approached the entrance, but as soon as she came within smelling distance, she recoiled and gagged. The Unicorn Guard came to her side,

“ Are you alright, ma’am?” he said, putting his hoof out towards her; Spitfire waved him away and pointed to the trailer entrance.

“ I’m fine. Smell.”

Pilum came close too, before backpedaling and biting his tongue hard.

“ That’s RANCID! What’s in there?”

Spitfire shrugged, “ I don’t want to know, and I doubt you do either. I’ve only been in Soarin’s trailer once before I learned better. But I do know that he always forgets to close his door.”

“ So, nothing to worry about?” the guard asked. Spitfire laughed,

“ You did smell that, right? If there’s an intruder hiding in there, it won’t be among the living for much longer. See you later, Pilum.”

“ Enjoy the Gala, ma’am.” The guard replied, and Spitfire flew off again.

In a second, she was high above the small compound. But before she could leave for the apple cart, the glint of something metal on the ground caught her eye. She dove back down behind Soarin’s trailer and looked for the object. Sitting in the dirt was one half of a golden wing-shaped decoration, one side ending in a hook. Spitfire fancied it was part of a headpiece, but the other half was nowhere to be found.

“ Hmm, I doubt this pretty little thing belongs to Pilum.” She said to herself. She came out from behind the trailer and met up with Pilum.

“ Hey, check this out.” She said, holding up her find. “ You think somepony might have dropped this while snooping?”

The guard eyed the golden wing, “ Well, it looks like something a Pegasus would wear. I guess I’ll have to keep my eye out for any other signs.”

“ Well,” Spitfire started, holding out the wing to the Unicorn, “ You hold on to this for now, I’ve still got a pie to deliver.”

“ Like I said before, ma’am: Enjoy the Gala.” Pilum said, waving. Spitfire flapped up into the air, nodding back.

“ Have a good shift, Pilum. Don’t get killed by any crazed fans!”

******************************************************************************

The voices ceased, but Rainbow Dash was far from calm; the stench was intensifying, as if it knew of her presence and was trying to repel her. She stayed still in the darkness, surrounded by filth, when the sound of hooves approached the door. She thought of ducking down, but she feared getting something stuck on her dress and having to explain it to Rarity later. She dared not breath since the voices started, taking heed of the mention of not ‘ being among the living much longer’.

THWUMP

…The door closed. The trailer went pitch black.

Rainbow stared at it for several minutes, hoping that by some miracle it would open again.

CLICK

The lock, that’s just great. Rainbow Dash waded through the garbage in the dark, valiantly holding her stomach contents in as she felt the grease and sticky residue of a thousand dribbling energy cans and forgotten remnants of food. Though the room was black, she remembered that to her right was the door to the bathroom. She patted the wall with a hoof, finally hitting hinges and a handle. Rainbow Dash bent her head down to clench the handle in her teeth, but paused at the last second and wisely decided on fumbling it open with her hooves instead. As she pushed the door open, Dash hoped that the bathroom would not be any worse.

Strangely enough, the new smell that hit her was of toothpaste and hair products; definitely a welcome change when compared to the rest of the trailer. Rainbow dashed inside and slammed the door shut behind her. On the wall opposite to the door, a square of pale light was behind a curtain. She got up on her hind legs, slid the curtain aside and sighed in relief at the sight of the window. She began opening it, when a spot of light from the Unicorn Guard’s horn flicked into the open and illuminated the thin space beneath a nearby trailer. Dash ducked down, peaking out as the guard strolled in between the trailers, searching under each one. The Pegasus watched curiously, thinking to herself.

What’s that guy looking for? Did he drop something?

The light came closer and briefly fell on a rock near the window; behind the rock, hidden from the guard’s sight, was the other half of Dash’s headpiece. Her eyes widened and her hind legs trembled; she knew now what that guard was looking for. The guard, however, did not see the small wing behind the rock and moved out of Rainbow’s sight.

He was looking for it; that could only mean the other half was found! Dash gulped and slid open the window; she peered out timidly at first, but the guard was gone, so she quickly dove out of the disgusting tomb of lost meals that was Soarin’s trailer.

Rainbow Dash swooped down and snatched the other half of her headpiece; she looked over it, wiping a bit of dirt off the eye on one side of the small golden wing. For a second, she scanned the ground, but as she expected, the other half was nowhere to be found.

“ Damn it!” she muttered; that was supposed to be easy! Rainbow flew out of the compound and into the trees nearby; now, she looked down at her hooves that had been in the thick of Soarin’s filth. They were absolutely soiled, discolored and gave off a horrid smell; the golden shoes and laces on Dash’s front hooves were grimy and scuffed. Rainbow Dash growled; this wasn’t going to be fun to explain to Rarity, not to mention the loss of half of her awesome headpiece.

“ DAMN IT!”

Singy-Birds
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My Rustled Jimmies

Singy-Birds

Time had frozen. All sound had died. The gaily-dressed ponies in the ballroom were but gloomy shadows that haunted her peripheral vision. The lights dimmed, or they might as well have; just as time might as well be frozen and sound might as well be dead, and all other ponies might as well have been mere shadows, for surely nothing else could ever compare in her eyes to the brightness and magnetism of her one true love: Prince Blueblood.

His perfect, sparkling eyes held onto hers for some time, or so it had seemed to Rarity; she couldn’t help but meet his intimate gaze with her own, though hers had no such control as the prince’s, and readily communicated a painful desire to him.

And then, it was over.

Those perfect eyes wandered elsewhere, and the perfect stallion wandered out of the ballroom. All senses rushed back into her head so fast that it winded her; the gentlecolts and mares came back to life, the gentle baroque music caressed the air again, and the lights brightened. But it was no relief to Rarity to have the old world back; she wanted the dark and the silence if it meant that she could meet Prince Blueblood’s eyes again. She set off to find him.

“Hurry, Rarity,” she whispered to herself, constantly slowing and speeding her pace as she approached the garden entrance. “ Oh, but not too fast. But don’t want to lose him… WAIT! Have to play it cool. Oh, but don’t be cold! I can’t lose him, I can’t! He’s everything I imagined!”

Rarity passed through the entrance and stopped, seeing her prince strolling alongside the rosebushes, making the immaculate flowers seem like weeds before him. She sighed and prepared herself for the approach.

“ He’s even better than I imagined!”

Just then, a familiar pink pony jumped out of a bush to Rarity’s right. Pinkie Pie wrapped her hooves behind Rarity’s neck and pushed the white Unicorn’s face close to her own.

“ Rarity! We have a problem!” Pinkie whispered point-blank into Rarity’s face, only to be forcefully pushed away.

“ No, Pinkie. YOU have a problem with respecting personal space.”

Ignoring Rarity’s reply, Pinkie moved on, “ My hoof started burning when I was trying to PARTY!”

Rarity looked back over to Prince Blueblood, who still roamed near the roses, and sighed in resignation.

“ Alright then, Pinkie, what does it mean when your hoof burns?”

The pink Earth pony scratched her head, and then shrugged.

“ I dunno; it’s never happened before!”

Rarity dodged around Pinkie and started towards Prince Blue blood again, talking over her shoulder.

“ Well remember to tell me all about it on the ride home, darling. I’ve a Prince to court!”

Pinkie stamped her hoof down and grumbled,

“ Rarity, this is SERIOUS! What if it’s bad, like, explosion bad! Or MONSTER bad! Or- or-“

Just then, a little yellow Meadowlark whirled in the air past Pinkie’s face; she followed the tiny bird with her cerulean eyes as it danced around bushes and flowers with its buzzing, nimble wings. She zeroed her eyes in on the bird, a great smile across her face.

“ That looks like one of those singy-birds that Fluttershy always talks about! Maybe it’ll lead me right to her, and just maybe she’ll LISTEN!”

Pinkie Pie stalked the energetic bird as it wandered around the garden, finally passing over a wall of tall shrubbery into the royal garden maze. Pinkie leaped, trying to clear the barricade, but instead caught her dress in the branches and hung like a piñata. Onlookers in the garden scoffed at her as she wriggled out of her specially made dress and crashed back down in a heap onto the grass. Pinkie shook her head and rose up on her haunches, looking back at the crowd that had gathered to watch her disgrace herself and her beautiful dress.

“ What?” she asked, and the bystanders began to clear out of the garden. One of the mares tossed her head up as she strode past the dress-less Pinkie,

“ Young lady, that is not the way to act at her majesty’s palace!” she said haughtily while leaving. Pinkie put her hooves up,

“ Well nopony told me it was an ACTING PARTY! Or I would’ve brought all my PROPS!”

*****************************************************************************************

The bird’s song played on, and Fluttershy continued to add to it. She’d followed the song into a large maze of rosebushes with several paths leading off to her left and right. The yellow Pegasus came to a stop at an intersection and listened; after a moment, the bird’s song came to her again, and she bolted down the path where it most likely came from. Fluttershy thought over the song in her head, guessing at the type of bird that may have produced such an angelic sound, and came to the conclusion that it was a meadowlark: one of her favorites – though, she could never be so thoughtless as to declare one bird to be her absolute favorite of all birds, since she thought all birds were just so nice. The meadowlark’s song sounded again, much closer this time. She galloped at full speed, coming to a turn in the maze.

“ My little meadowlark is right around this bend!” she said excitedly to herself, but then she came to an abrupt stop; in front of her was a large golden arch gateway into a fenced-in area of the garden. Above the gate, a sign was hung.

PRINCESS CELESTIA’S PERSONAL GARDEN OF RARE AND EXOTIC CREATURES
DO NOT ENTER

Fluttershy peered through the thin bars of the fence into pitch black; she strained her eyes trying to catch a glimpse of something beyond the shroud of night, but it was to no avail. Close by, the meadowlark sang again. She put out a hoof to push the gate, but stopped short and held herself back.

“ Oh no, I couldn’t break the rules at the princess’ own garden!” she reasoned with herself, hesitating at the gate. But then, a strange scent came to her nose from deep inside – a sweet, almost chocolaty scent that tingled Fluttershy in a way she’d never before experienced. She sniffed the open air and pondered what the source could possibly be.

" What is that? I don't think I've ever smelled anything so chocolaty in nature before.

It was a strange sensation, but not at all unwelcome; feeling a heavy urge to discover the origin inside the garden, she crept up close to the gate and put out a hoof to push it open. The meadowlark’s song came to her once more, but she was too far already and blew off the song in her mind,

“ I’ve seen meadowlarks before, and I’m sure that I can still catch up with it if I just take a little peak inside….”

She tapped the gate with a hoof and it came slightly ajar; she craned her head into the opening and inside the deep, dark, forbidden garden. The blackness and overall mysteriousness of the garden beyond the gate made her shiver.

“ Ooh, m-maybe I’ll just go find that mm-meadowlark after all-AAH!””

Just then, several flowers in the dark bloomed, revealing bulbous heads that let off a pale blue light. Fluttershy jolted back and landed on her haunches, holding her face in her hooves. When she uncovered her eyes, the light was gone and the flowers were swallowed back up in the dark. Cautiously, the Pegasus stepped back up to the gate. She peeked head just past the fence, and again, the bulbous flowers lit up around her. But this time she held her ground, albeit while flinching and biting her lip. The flowers seemed harmless enough to her, and their bioluminescence was indeed a welcome sight in the dark; it was enough to coax the timid mare to take a step forward, entering the garden.

She jumped back with a gasp as several hundred other flowers suddenly bloomed up ahead, before dimming again. Fluttershy watched the silhouettes of petals slowly fold back over the lights; she gathered herself, took a deep breath and walked. Somewhere, a bird sang, but it meant nothing now; this garden may hold wonders that she’d never before seen – new critters, perhaps! She sighed,

“ Okay, Fluttershy. Just take a quick look around and be gone before anypony notices….”

Nightmare Moon
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My Rustled Jimmies

Nightmare Moon

Shining Armor’s hooves clopped noisily on the polished palace floor as he rushed to locate the princesses. Behind him, a retinue of Unicorn Royal Guards followed in silence, watching their red-clad leader wander the halls aimlessly.

“ For Celestia’s sake… Where’s CELESTIA!?” he shouted to the guards who had so far been useless in his search. One pointed to a hallway to their left,

“ Captain, when we first apprehended the interloper, her Majesty was headed for the Night Room.” The others nodded at his answer. Shining scratched his head with a hoof, still greasy from his earlier meal. He stared at the guard, then to another, and yet another.

“ Sir… The Night Room is-“ one guard spoke up, before being cut off with a wave of Shining Armor’s other hoof.

“Yeah I know where it is! My head was itchy; let’s go!”

Shining Armor sped off in the direction of the Night Room with his four subordinates in tow.

“ OUCH! MY FUCKING ASS, YOU FUCKING BITCH!”

Celestia roared as she reeled from another missile hitting directly into her flank, leaving a blackened sun cutie mark on her left side. She rose back up into the air and hurled a volley of her own magic bolts back at her younger sister. Luna moved to dodge the attack, but the fighting had weakened her as much as her non-sober sister, and she only managed to escape one while the other three bolts pelted her in the chest and right wing. She fell hard into the floor, dispersing what little cloud cushioning was left and revealing the solid stone floor beneath. Luna lifted herself up and found that her nose was bleeding profusely, leaving a stain of crimson down her mouth and a growing puddle of the floor. She looked back up at Celestia, aghast. Her older sister broke a crooked smile and chuckled.

“ I always knew you were SHIT at ward spells, you fucking CHILD!”

Luna spat blood as she scoffed at her sister,

“ Oh, and thou hast not a scratch on her, I see?”

“Bitch,” Celestia began, doing an awkward twirl, “ Anypony with a pair of fuckin’… NON-BITCH EYES can see I’m not bleeding! Shiiit, I bet all this ash will wash off in my bubble bath. I’m fucking impec-impec… Fine!”

She pointed her hoof at her bleeding, infuriated sister.

“ You, on the other, much uglier hoof, seem to have a little, uh….” she trailed, pretending to wipe her nose. Luna summoned her strength and flashed her white eyes, instantly bringing an intimidating swarm of white energy balls to her command.

“ Thou should choose thy next words carefully, sister. For even the strongest ward breaks under enough punishment.”

Celestia narrowed her eyes to cruel slits, fitting the devilish grin forming on her face.

“ Take your best. Fucking. Shot.”

The hall leading to the Night Room’s golden doors was just feet away, and Shining Armor’s group could hear the monstrous clamor of nearby fighting. Suspended in the air, the portal was still open and surprisingly unattended. In front of the portal, the doors to the ballroom were still wide open and the ponies inside were still dancing, mingling and completely oblivious to the sounds of magical bursts and explosions just down the hall. Shining Armor stopped at his turn and addressed his guards.

“ The Ponies I stationed here are gone! Battersea, close those doors, before somepony with a brain gets curious, then you stay with the portal!”

A gray Unicorn Royal Guard saluted and ran to the doors.

“ Scutum! Buckler! On me! Let’s find out just what the fuck is going on down there!”

Two white Unicorn Royal Guards nodded and followed on Shining Armor’s flanks as he began to creep down the hallway. The one gray Unicorn Royal Guard without a job stood idly near the portal.

“Uh, sir?” he asked. Shining Armor sighed and called back to him,

“ Right, Peltast, go find the guards that are SUPPOSED to be here; when you find them, they’d better be dead or I’ll punch a fucking hole right through their ASSES!”

Just then, a thunderous bang shook the hallway and rattled the armor on the Royal Guards’ backs. All eyes darted to the end of the hall; the golden doors were demolished and melted to the ground with magic power. A mass of black lay prostate on the floor before them; a groan escaped its lips and it slowly lifted itself up on four hooves. The five Royal Guard ponies gasped; it was a pitch black Alicorn with a soot-coated mane. It coughed up puffs of smoke and stared back at the smaller ponies.

“ IT’S NIGHTMARE MOON! ATTACK!”

All five of the guards fired simultaneously with bolts of magic; the Alicorn flinched, but the bolts bounced off harmlessly. The Alicorn growled and snapped at the attacking guards.

“ STOP THAT, YOU IDIOTS! IT’S ME!”

Shining Armor stopped immediately and waved off his subordinates. When the shooting stopped, he bowed.

“ Princess Celestia?”

She opened her mouth to scold the captain, but she was suddenly and violently slammed into the floor as her sister landed square on her back. Luna shouted into her big sister’s ears from on top of her; drops of blood from her nose landed on Celestia’s blackened forehead.

“ YIELD, SISTER! OR I WILL CONTINUE TO HUMILIATE THEE!”

Celestia struggled against her sister but couldn’t find the strength to knock her off. So she sighed and slumped on the floor.

“ Still… Not fuckin’ bleeding… Bitch.”

“ Just what in the dick are you doing?” Shining chimed in; Luna shot him a ruthlessly icy glare and the captain shut his mouth. Then, she saw the portal.

The smaller princess stepped off her subdued sister and approached the flickering window of space. Her face contorted from wonder to anger; she looked back at her sister.

“ What is this?”

“A portal….” Celestia murmured.

“I know that! A portal to where?”

Celestia didn’t answer. Luna turned to Shining Armor and turned on her Canterlot voice.

“ HOW LONG HAST YON PORTAL BEEN MANIFESTED IN OUR HOME?”

Shining Armor winced and averted his eyes from her.

“I-it was spotted a quarter after midnight, your highness.”

Luna’s eye twitched.

“AND WE WERE NOT INFORMED?”

“Well… She was right there when it happened,” he mumbled, gesturing in Celestia’s direction.

“And a human entered our world through the portal. We-“

“A HUMAN, THOU SAYEST?”

“Y-yes… A human, your highness; we took him to the dungeon and immediately came to inform you.”

Celestia struggled to raise her head up, uttering one word:

“F-FUNGEON!”

“ SHUT UP, THOU INEBRIATED FOOL!” Luna hollered back. Then, the two Alicorns and five Royal Guards stood silently; no guard wished to upset the princess of the night, and Celestia had finally succumbed to a mix of exhaustion from the fight and the plethora of liquor she’d consumed.

Then, two more Royal Guards arrived on the scene. Shining Armor saw and instantly recognized them as the previously missing portal guards.

“What’s up, dicktrees?” he shouted at them.

“Fancy seeing you here. I thought I told you two to GUARD the PORTAL!”

The guards hesitated, and then one shuffled forward.

“Sir, we regret to inform you that your baby sister is currently in the infirmary.”

A dreadful silence returned to the hallway. Shining Armor’s white face seemed to become even paler. He opened his mouth, but the words struggled to materialize.

“WHAT IS HER CONDITION?” shouted Luna; the guard winced.

“Your highness, she is suffering from several broken ribs due to an unknown incident; she is also extremely inebriated and missing a large clump of mane hair. We were guarding the portal as the captain commanded, when Twilight Sparkle flew into the hallway from inside the Night Room; we took her ourselves to receive treatment.”

Shining Armor nodded in reflection before speaking.

“So… My baby sister crashed into the hallway… From the Night Room?” he asked.

“ Correct, sir.”

He looked to Luna, who simply shrugged.

“THE MINION HAD STRUCK US WITH A BOTTLE.”

A painful, choking sensation welled up in the captain’s throat.

“Your highness… Did that to my sister?”

“AYE, WE DID.”

He bared his teeth, but made no attempt to approach the much taller, far more powerful being. Instead, he turned on the two guards.

“Why did that task take both of you?” he asked, feeling his temper boiling over.

“Well, uh, sir. Twilight Sparkle was being uncooperative.” One guard replied.

“Oh, so what did you do, restrain her?”

“No, sir. But she had vomited on my armor when I lifted her, so I came as well to have it cleaned in the infirmary.”

“You FUCKING MORONS!” he screamed.

“ You absolute fucking dicks! What if an army of fucking humans decided to-“

“YES, THE HUMAN. WHERE IS THE HUMAN?” Luna interjected, unconcerned with their squabbling.

Shining Armor stamped a hoof into the floor, glaring with open contempt at the princess.

“FUCK the human! First, you hurt my TWILEY, then you don’t give two waving dicks about a portal in the palace being unguarded?”

Luna glared fiercely back at the Unicorn.

“THOU SHOULDST REMEMBER THY PLACE, MORTAL. ELSE WE SHALL REPLACE THEE WITH A CAPTAIN CAPABLE OF PERFORMING THY DUTIES!”

“I perform my fucking duties perfectly! This palace has never been SAFER!”

“SAFER FROM WHAT, EXACTLY? THE PALACE HAS NEVER ONCE BEEN ATTACKED!”

Shining Armor lowered his head and was silent. The princess loomed over him, putting up her chin.

“DO NOT THINK THOU ART IRREPLACEABLE, SHINING ARMOR; EVEN THOUGH TWILIGHT SPARKLE IS THE BELOVED PET OF OUR SISTER. SHE IS NOTHING TO THE PRINCESS OF THE NIGHT.”

Then, something came from Shining Armor that Luna did not expect: he laughed. Not powerfully, or good-naturedly, but he laughed.

“ And which one of these shits are you going to replace me with, huh?”

Luna growled,

“WHERE IS THE HUMAN?”

“In the fucking DUNGEON!” Shining snapped.

“Dammit, I fucking told you BEFORE!”

The princess stomped away, calling back to the insubordinate captain over her shoulder.

“THOU ART DISMISSED, SHINING ARMOR. LEAVE OUR PALACE AT ONCE.”

Shining Armor grumbled as the princess left him and six Royal Guards with her unconscious sister. The captain looked to his stallions, which were looking at him with something like reserved shock, hidden behind their stark faces, but naked in their eyes.

“Alright,” he sighed.

“Form around the princess and wait for her royal ass to wake up.”

The guards stayed where they were, and Shining sighed again.

“ She didn’t fire me, she just wants me out of the way is all. I’m still in charge, now form up!”

The Royal Guards finally marched into a circle around the princess; Shining Armor trudged away.

“Sir,” one guard called out.

“Are you not staying?”

Shining scoffed,

“Fuck no, I’ve had my fill of royalty for one night. I’m going to see my sister.”

Snowflake
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My Rustled Jimmies

Snowflake

A bolt of fiery light left a trail of black clouds and lightning in its wake, shooting through the air and stopping instantly in front of Applejack’s cart, revealing itself to be Spitfire; this time, she had enough money for a pie. The Wonderbolt captain approached Applejack with the two bits.

“ Okay, I’ve got your bits! Now, how about that pie?”

Applejack merely raised an eyebrow at her. Spitfire smiled and motioned to the pristine apple pie that still sat on her cart’s shelf.

“The… The pie, ma’am, please. You said it was two bits?”

“Uh…” Applejack began,

“Ahm’ sorry, Wonderbolt. But ahm gonna hafta ask y’all to move to the back o’ tha line.”

Spitfire blinked, and turned her head left to see that the massive line to enter the Gala was dispersing slowly, and each body lost from the Gala line was filing up in the growing one beside the small apple cart. The Pegasus cursed under her breath,

“Ponyfeathers….”

She gave a fake chuckle to the orange cart owner, who did not change from a straight frown.

“Well… You couldn’t just let a Wonderbolt like me break the rules just this once?”

Applejack shook her head.

“Y’all are supposed to be role models, y’know. But so far, tha only two Wonderbolts ah’ve met have been a sweet talker, or a line butter like yerself!” she scolded.

“Now, if ya don’t mind, ah’ve got honest customers here that’ve been waitin’ fer a long time to get some grub.”

“Fine.” Spitfire grumbled, and started a limp hover towards the end of the line. As she went, several of the ponies in line recognized and started calling her name.

“Hey! Hey everypony, that’s SPITFIRE!”

“C-Captain Spitfire? C-could you sign my f-flank? That would… P-please me….”

“SPITFIRE HONEY! I NAMED MY SON AFTER YOU!”

The fiery-colored Pegasus smiled and waved to her loyal fans, ever grateful for their love and admiration. She tolerated a few of the ponies desperately reaching out to her from the line, dying to even graze a hoof across her sleek uniform as she passed. But her smile faltered – just for a second, when she saw him.

Sticking out among the awestruck fans was a great white hulk of a stallion. A Pegasus with a short, self-cut amber mane, menacingly intense red eyes, a single golden hoop through his right ear, pathetically stubby little wings, and a grotesquely muscular body that seemed to strain against his skin with every movement. He was grinning at her with a mouthful of yellow teeth and beckoning her over with his massive front legs.

“YEAH! SPITFIRE! OVER HERE! I’M YOUR NUMBER ONE FUCKING FAN!”

“Yeah, I see you there, Snowflake.” She replied without a hint of disdain in her well-trained voice. She slowed her hover as she passed the bulky Pegasus in the line, taking note of his lack of proper dress attire.

“So, I take it you aren’t here for the Gala?”

Snowflake shook his meaty head.

“NO WAY! YOU KNOW I NEVER MISS A WONDERBOLTS SHOW, CAPTAIN!”

“Yeah, I don’t think you’ve ever-“

“AND THOSE PUSSY TAILORS COST TOO MUCH TO DRESS ME UP!”

“Well I doubt that’s an easy task for a tailor with all those muscles to cover!”

Snowflake stamped the ground hard, causing a couple of ponies around him to flinch.

“SUITS ARE TOO TIGHT! AND THERE’S NEVER A DRESS CODE FOR A WONDERBOLTS SHOW!”

Spitfire held her smile and nodded.

“That’s right, Snowflake. The only thing you’ve got to bring is yourself… And a ticket, of course!”

The hulking stallion shook with a hearty laugh, too loud and too long for Spitfire’s meager joke to bring any pleasure to anypony but himself. The star Pegasus returned her hover to normal speed, but a broad leg suddenly wrapped over around her shoulder and pulled her down to Earth. Several ponies in the crowd gasped in shock as Snowflake effortlessly placed Spitfire on her hooves in front of himself. He towered a foot over the captain, and stared down at her with terrifying red eyes and a grin of dirty yellow teeth almost as long as her nose. But she dutifully maintained her outward pleasantness, though in her mind, she was just as shocked and enraged as the others in the line. Snowflake’s heavy head lowered to Spitfire’s level.

“ You know, captain. I… I’ve always had a thing for you.”

Spitfire gently shifted under his oppressing leg, keeping her cool whilst slowly trying to slip from his grip. She held his red stare with her own orange eyes, half-closed under glossy lids and beaming with a deep, soothing affection which could only be produced by a true lover, or a true master of appearances.

“O Snowflake, I know. That’s why you never miss our performances.”

“No…” Snowflake began, letting his hind legs go slack as his mind and soul ventured deeper into Spitfire’s gaze.

“I never miss… your performances. B-because... I love you.”

Spitfire giggled and nudged his hoof off her shoulder; Snowflake shuttered and drooped in bliss as the angelic sound caressed his ears.

“Okay, Snowflake. I’d love to stay and chat, but I promised to get Soarin’ a pie. So I’ve got to go wait in line.”

She buzzed her wings and lifted up again, but as she turned away, a meaty white leg wrapped around her and pulled her down once more.

“YOU CAN WAIT IN LINE WITH ME!” he shouted with a hopeful grin of yellow teeth.

This time, some of the other ponies in line voiced their objections.

“Hey buddy, leave her alone!”

“Yeah! You can’t just put your hooves on her like that!”

“Somepony ought to teach you some manners!”

Snowflake shook his free hoof at the crowd gathering around him, flaring his nostrils and staring down anypony who would be brave enough to stand up to him.

“SHE’S MINE! SHE BELONGS WITH ME! I’M HER NUMBER ONE FAN!”

Spitfire waved off the crowd, nonchalant as ever.

“It’s okay, fellas; I’m a big girl, and I can handle this myself.”

She reached a hoof under Snowflake’s chin and directed his eyes back to her.

“Now Snowflake, I’m going to leave you now, and we’re not going to have anymore problems tonight, okay?”

The massive white Pegasus made no effort to move, but as the smaller orange mare slipped from his grip, he made no attempt to subdue her. He breathed heavy through his mouth at her as she took to the sky once again, hovering just off the ground.

“Now this doesn’t mean I don’t like you, Snowflake. I just think it’s best for me to wait in the back of the line is all.”

His brow furrowed and his eyes pleaded with her.

“…Why?”

Spitfire nodded towards the apple cart at the end of the line.

“Because that pony selling apples at the end of the line said that I’m supposed to be a role model, and role models don’t butt in line. So I’m going to-“

“Tell me that you love me.” Snowflake abruptly added.

“Tell me that you have the same feelings that I do.”

Spitfire shook her head, but continued to smile disarmingly.

“Snowflake, I love all my fans. If I say that to you, then I’ll have to say it to everypony that wants my autograph.”

“NO!” he shouted and leapt into the sky in front of her, flapping hard with his tiny wings.

“YOU LOVE ME! IT’S-IT’S TRUE AND-AND PERFECT! YOU ONLY LOVE ME!”

Spitfire hovered back from him, cautioning him with her front hooves.

“Simmer down, Snowflake. Just go back in line and continue on with your night.”

But the muscular Pegasus could not be calmed down, not anymore. He advanced on the Wonderbolt with increased speed.

“JUST LET ME HOLD YOU! I’M A GOOD GUY! I-I CAN BE GOOD TO YOU! JUST TELL ME YOU LOVE ME!”

Spitfire stopped hovering back; Snowflake stopped too and watched her curiously. The captain’s lovely smile had transitioned into a hard frown and her eyes, though still as bright and captivating as ever, lost their affection and replaced it with a dominating vigor.

“Alright, Snowflake. If you don’t give me some space, we are going to have problem.”

Snowflake puzzled over the words for a moment, before starting towards her even faster than before. But the captain did not stay still; she lifted a foot higher in the air and began to spin in place with an absurd amount of speed that only a captain of the Wonderbolts could ever achieve and control. Snowflake stopped dead and stared in awe at his beloved’s power, twirling for one second… Two… Three… Four, before a single part of her turning body emerged for a split-second from the blur of blue and orange:

Her left hind hoof, bashing at near supersonic speeds into the right side of Snowflake’s giant face.

Spitfire stopped spinning immediately and watched as the enormous Pegasus careened through the air away from her, leaving a trail of loose yellow teeth in his wake. She touched down on the ground and was instantly met with cheers from the crowd. The captain beamed with assuring confidence at the ecstatic fans.

“ Just remember, fillies and gentlecolts, we Wonderbolts might put on an excellent air show. But at the end of the day, we’re all still trained fighters. Poor Snowflake seemed to have forgotten that about me.” She explained, and then set off on her path to the back of line. But as she started to move, the ponies around her shifted out of the way and granted a clear path to the apple cart.

“Please, Captain Spitfire.” Said one dignified-looking stallion,

“You may go before us.”

Spitfire smiled and nodded to the crowd.

“Aw, thanks, you guys! I’ll just be a second.”

Applejack had just finished with a customer when she turned to the next one; she grumbled and pointed at the line.

“Dagnabbit, Wonderbolt! Ah know you didn’t go all tha way to the back o’tha line! Now go on and wait yer turn like a good pony!”

Spitfire still approached the cart and stood before her with two bits in an extended hoof.

“It’s not my fault if somepony lets me take their spot. Now, I’ll just be buying that p-….”

A shelf protruded from the cart. An empty shelf, without even a trace of a pie left on it. She gaped momentarily at it in shock as the onlookers had at the incident with Snowflake; Applejack’s brow creased with curiosity, and a hint of irritation.

“Uh, Miss Wonderbolt? If yer gonna buy something, ya mind makin’ it quick-like?” she asked the gawking orange Pegasus. Spitfire snapped back to reality and leaned over the cart, putting her face close to Applejack’s own.

“Where’s the pie? I… I needed that pie!” she grilled with utter seriousness.

“ I promised Soarin’ a pie, and you sold it to somepony else while I was getting your money!”

Applejack leaned away from her and shrugged,

“Ah never said ah’d hold it for ya. Anypony with enough bits for mah pie has as much of a right t’buy it as you.” She answered, but Spitfire was not about to let Soarin’ down that easily.

“Who’d you sell it to? What did the pony look like and which way did he go?” she asked.

“Ah don’t know, and ah don’t care.” Applejack replied, leaning in at Spitfire over the cart and forcing her to move off.

“Now, if we’re done here, ah’ve got ponies to serve. Or, y’all can buy somethin’ ah do have in stock.”

Spitfire growled and flared her wings for takeoff.

“I’m going to find that pie. And when I do, I’m gonna pay the buyer three times what I’d pay you!”

Applejack chuckled at the Wonderbolt as she flew up into the sky in a huff. She called out to her as Spitfire sped away, back towards the trailers.

“They’re worth plenty more’n that to anypony who’s ever tried’em!”