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Chapters 1-3: Welcome to Equestria, we have probes!
Chapter 1: Of explosions and wormholes
Well. Where to begin? Should we start from the beginning of the day from when Cameron’s toaster spontaneously combusted? Or possibly from Alex’s computer deciding to crash and make him lose about 3 hours of work, an hour before it was due? Everything up until the tear in the fabric of space and time that essentially ripped both of them to atoms and then reassembled them would be pretty boring, to your average reader. Both of them had been having a rubbish day filled with catastrophic problems, and each had to deal with them on their own accords.
Cameron was more of the bookish type who listened to a mix of classical, dubstep and rock music. He constantly had to deal with a voice in his head that had managed to gain its own awareness that he had decided to name “Brian” and more often than not had to fix whatever the situation that Alex had gotten himself into. Alex was more of the guy who would likely press the shiny red button that would blow up the world, just because someone said not to press it. He was the guy who would listen to techno, pop and the occasional folk song.
Now, as I said they had both been having a pretty rubbish day, and then walking home they heard a massive detonation and ended up landing flat on their faces. When they got up to see what had happened there was a massive tear in the universe in front of them, radiating light.
“Well, thats new” Cameron said with a look of defeat in his eyes. “Am I seriously having that bad of a day that the universe itself is attempting to kill me.”
“To be fair you did kind of curse out the universe for being an indecisive bitch this morning on whether it was gonna kill you or not.” Said the ever present voice in Cameron's head, giving the snide remarks that he had to deal with day in and day out.
“Dude.... i’m going to touch it,” said Alex with the look in his eye that he got when he was about to mess with something he knew he should never even consider touching. “What's the worst that could happen?”
There were a few things that you NEVER ask, and that is somewhere up near the top of the list, just under such terms as “What could possibly go wrong?”. Alex started walking towards the rift and Cameron tried to tackle him to the side so that he wouldn't touch it, but tripped on his shoelaces and ended up tackling both of them into the rift. And they were promptly atomized, spaghettified, catapulted through space and time and then reformed about 3,567 alternate realities later. And this is the chronicles of Cameron and Alex, or as they would be come to be known, Shadow Feather and Crimson Flame.
Chapter 2: Of gateways and probes
Cameron was first aware of the fact that he seemed to be in a lot of pain, and rightfully so. The second thing to notice is that he did not feel right, as if he couldn't really stand up and that his back felt REALLY weird, as if he were pinned underneath a rock. Then he decided to open his eyes and looked down.
“OH SWEET MERCIFUL BANANAS, WHY DO I HAVE HOOVES?” He said, looking down at the new replacements that he had gotten for his ever flexible thumbs that he used every single day to deal with the world. After a few minutes of screaming he eventually calmed down and realized that he had wings now, rather than his standard muscles of his back. “Great, so now I have wings, but I don’t have fingers. So, is this good or bad?”
“Well, depends on how you look at it, you can fly now but you can’t write, draw, type or do anything that you do normally anymore.” Said Brian, “and besides, now you can fracking FLY”.
Of all the things that had to stay the same with me, I get stuck with you. If there really is something out there that controls the world, it hates me with a fiery passion that is paralleled only by the sun. Thought Cameron, realising that he had been talking out loud before.
“I love you too, honey.”
Screw off.
Cameron decided to look around where he had woken up. He was in a cave, from the look of it and could see what he assumed was the exit. He saw a large pool of to the side and decided to look at it, and hopefully himself if he could see his reflection in it. He trotted over to the pool, still not exactly comfortable with being quadrupedal and forced to walk in a completely different way. There was a significant amount of trouble with his forelegs dragging on the ground, as people did not usually walk with their hands. He looked into the pool, which looked akin to a perfect mirror and took a good look at himself. The first observation he made was that he looked like a horse, but not quite. He had a dark blue mane now and the fur on the rest of his body was a dark grey color. he now had electric blue eyes now, versus his eyes from before that were just a standard ugly brown color that he had always hated. He noticed that there was a mark on both of his sides further back on his body that looked like two crossed black feathers.
Okay, so I think i’m getting used to this now, lets see if I can fly . Cameron attempted to flap his wings a few times, noting that it felt strange, and that he felt more like he was using the wings to pull himself through the air, rather than push the air around him away from him. After a few attempts (most of which ended with a faceplant into the ground) he was able to flutter off the ground for a minute or two.
He made his way to the exit of the cave and hopefully find out what had happened to him. If nothing else he could at least figure out where on earth he was. You can almost taste the sheer amount of irony oozing out from that statement. When he got out he realised that he was in a forest and that it was a bit cold out. Alright, not unusual around his area, he must be close to home, right? He used his newly gained flying skills to fly up a bit and look around too see if he was anywhere near the edge of the forest. When he finally got above the treeline he saw that the forest was rather expansive, sprawling out for at least a few miles in each direction. He then noticed that there was an edge the forest and that there was a town not terribly far away.
“Well. Better start walking that way if I want to get there before nightfall... Wait, why am I talking to myself?”
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While Cameron was having a nice little walk and talk with himself through everfree forest, Alex was now in a bit of a predicament. Locked up in the Canterlot dungeons for breaking and entering, and coming to grips with his new body and the fact that he now had a horn. He realised that he had become a unicorn, of all things. Of course while Cameron had gotten to be thrown miles away from civilization and shoved into a cave to figure some things out, Alex wound up in the bedchambers of an all powerful deity that controlled the moon and dreams themselves. Guess who had a more interesting introduction to the new world they were trapped in?
Alex had wound up in princess Luna’s bedchambers after they fell through the rift putting him in a much more interesting setting that Cameron was. Evidently when they came through the rift there was a rather loud sound that was like an over exaggerated *pop*. Thats how he woke up Luna and got the guard to come storming in. Needless to say, he didn’t have much time to explain himself before he fell flat on his face into the ground. Alex was back to his senses faster than Cameron had been and saw himself in the mirror and made quick mental note of how he looked. He had gotten an orange coat with a bright red mane with a sort of orange-cream streak in it. He had gotten a candle with a dark red flame at the end of the wick. He now had emerald green eyes that had a surprisingly good contrast to the rest of him.
Of course, its kind of hard to admire yourself when you are surrounded by about 12 royal guards, all of whom were ready to.. deal with him if the need be. After the initial shock from 1) becoming a completely different species, 2) being threatened by several people and 3) realising he no longer had his phone on him (or any clothes for that matter) there were a few minutes of awkward silence.
“Um.... HI?” Great, i’m around for all of 30 seconds and someone already wants to arrest me. How could this get any worse? Well, little did Alex suspect that he had wound up in one of the most secure places in all of Equestria, and that was evidently a crime punishable by death. Oh, and because supposedly there was no way he could have gotten in there magically he would be brought in for... Interrogation, to put it lightly.
“Bring him to the dungeons and prepare the tools, I think somepony has some questions to answer for us” said the rather large unicorn/pegasus hybrid leaning up on her bed glaring at him with those cold, dark eyes.
Great, how could this day get any worse? I already had a terrible time with school today, why not add waking up in a foreign place and being questioned to that list. What's next, they decide to probe me so they can get a better idea of who I am?
“And prepare the probes for insertion.”
Crap.
Chapter 3: Of Shadows and Flames
Cameron got to the edge of the town, after about an hour or two's walking and tried to think how he was going to handle this. He was trapped in another world without any kind of money, food or shelter. So he did what he always did, he went to what was considered to be the firey depths of Tartarus themselves by Alex. He tried to find the library.
Please for the sake of all things sane and natural let me be able to communicate with them, He silent thought to himself as he walked through town, attempting to find somepony that could direct him to the library. Since he arrived he noticed that there were three distinct races amongst the population, he compared them to the old legends and categorized them into either pegasus (much like himself), unicorns and just standard horses. He decided against calling the unadorned species horses, less he accidentally get himself killed. He decided to talk to only other pegasi and unicorns for now. Everyone around him had vibrant coats (although a few were rather dull), he even saw a pegasus with a rainbow mane.
He finally saw somepony he thought that he hoped could direct him. His subconscious (no not Brian) had been replacing words in his mental vocabulary with other ones, like someone became somepony and for some reason it just felt natural. Had decided on asking a white unicorn with a curly purple mane, idly going about her business. “Um... Excuse me? Do you know where the nearest library in town is? I’m new around here and just want to figure out where some things are.”
“Seriously? THATS your cover story? You could have done so much better! This is why you should let me do the talking, if you did then there is a decent chance that you might actually get a girlfriend one of these days.”
Why can you not just like, die in my brain or something? Everytime I let you do something terrible things happen... I still find mash potatoes in my bedroom.
“But that was awesome! How is creating an overly powerful potato cannon not awesome?”
Because you did it three years ago. And I had to repaint the room. TWICE.
“Well darling, if you are spending your nights at that dusty old tree in town rather than with a mare such as myself, you REALLY need to get out more. How about tonight at 8?”
Oh shi.... Shes hitting on me, isn't she? And i’m scared because I don't think shes asking me. More or less the “you will go out with me or I will kill you and hang your skin up in my basement” kind of thing you only read in fiction novels.
“Well, you have to options. Read or get a..... Wait what's the correct term for this one? I think this is the first time I have ever been at a loss for words. But yeah, just back away slowly and hopefully you will never have to deal with her again. Its not like we're going to be dealing with the same people for the next few weeks, right?”
“Uh... Thank you for the offer Miss?”
“Rarity, and there is no need to call me Miss. And your name?”
Oh crap.. Names aren't the same here. Okay, need a name and fast. Cameron quickly thought back to the reflecting pool and remembered the mark on his side. “It’s Shadow Feather, Miss Rarity. And I really have to be going so bye!” He then promptly turned around on his hooves and headed straight for the tree in the center of town, like Rarity had said. Well, first person I talk to asks me on a date... Wait, aren't I the one who usually has to pull people like Alex out of these situations?
“Yes, so you are on your own for this one. Also, didn't you tackle Alex into the rift with you? He might be doing fine, because so far I have yet to see the crapstorm that follows in his wake around here yet.”
Oh goddess ( goddess, really?) I never even thought about Alex... I wonder how he is doing?
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After several hours of interrogation, Alex being a complete tool (blunt, possibly. Like a hammer but with less personality) and Alex needing to come up with a name to cover for himself (even if he wasn't in another world he never gave his real details) and finally settling on “Crimson Flame”, after his mark. They finally were ready to give him his sentence. The only thing left before that was apologize to the person he wronged, who also happened to be his judge, jury and (if need be) executioner.
“Um, i’m sorry for breaking into your bedroom accidentally and startling you and you repertoire of guards. Please forgive me and not disintegrate me into ashes?” Crap, where in Tartarus is Cameron when you need him? I’m sure he would have something to explain this.
“We accept your apology, loyal subject and forgive you for your intrusion. However we do still get to pick your punishment for the crimes you have committed, and we will personally be overseeing them”
“And here I was thinking that I was going to get a date with a princess”
“Who said that wasn't your punishment?”
Alex sat there and pondered whether this goddess/ruler was messing with him, and then he realised this was the person who made the laws. “Please tell me for the sake of all things frosted that you’re kidding me?” Yeah, this was one time he was worried because Cameron was NOT there to save his (arguably) well toned ass.
“In a way, yes. We are joking about the date part. However we will still be keeping a very close eye on you while you serve out your sentence. Which, by the way, is 57.46 hours of community service. One for each of the seconds you were in our bedchambers.”
“I... Okay, not going to ask how you know exactly how long I was in there for, however I will congratulate the guards on their punctuality in the matter. Also, I don’t really do hard labor. So, the only way you’re going to have me picking up litter is in your dreams.”
“Correction, we never said that you had to be awake or that it was physical labor. We reside over the realm of dreams and you fell asleep for 5 minutes in the interrogation room. We have never seen a colt not be bothered that little by the extra large probe.” She gave him with a sly smile that Alex had come to associate with not drinking the cup of liquid a girl had usually just handed him.
“Wait, so that means for the 5 minutes I was asleep, you rooted around my head?” Okay, no big deal. She just looked through my personal desktop that is my brain. Then he let that process for a minute. Oh sweet blueberry hazelnut muffins, she looked through the desktop that is my brain for 5 minutes .
“Yes, and you will do our bidding while you sleep or else we will tell the guards (several of which, he had come to learn, were avid bloggers with a whole herds worth of followers each) about the banana dreams. And no, not the mundane ones.”
Oh sweet melodious soliloquies of William Flankspeare, she knows about the banana dreams. “Okay, fine. What exactly it is that you want me to do?”
“While we do oversee the dreams of the citizens of this land, we are more concerned with personal enjoyment. So, we usually have somepony else do the work for us. That is, to say that you get to delve into the hearts and minds of the ponies around you and watch over their dreams, making note of them as you trot along their thoughts.”
“Fine by me, where do I get to work?” Personally he was hoping to be at the castle. He only knew it was a castle because one of the royal guards tactics of interrogation was attempting to break the mind of the law breaker by using the time proven methods of history lessons to drive them to inanity. He was fine so long as he either got to find out juicy gossip or he had a small workload.
“A small town a short ways away by Train, called Ponyville. You will be given a place to stay there, since there actually is no prison in that town.” She let out a small sigh. “Why can’t it be like the good old days where it was either live or be tortured to death slowly?”
“Well... This is going to be interesting.” Alex said out loud without even thinking about it. “What could possibly go wrong with me having access to everyones dreams while they sleep?”
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Chapters 4-6: Problems come in a pink package
Chapter 4: Of Cannons and Lyres
Well… We’re here , Thought Cameron to himself as he walked up to the massive tree that was evidently a library. Hopefully here I can find some answers as to how I ended up here. At the very least if I can’t find an explanation as to how I ended up here I can learn where I am.
“Or at least find something entertaining… It’s getting boring in here without anything to crack jokes about,” said Brian in a monotone voice (can voices in your head even sound monotone?) “I mean, yeah sure I could be attempting to decipher the secrets of the universe but where is the fun in that?”
Okay, I swear if you do not shut up I will go into an ice-cream coma just to give myself a large enough brain freeze to kill you. AND IT WILL BE WORTH IT.
After Cameron’s most recent threat to Brian, he had decided to shut up for a good while and contemplate whether he would actually go through with that. Cameron decided that he might as well go in, however when he opened the door to the library he was not greeted with the sight of shelves of books but rather with the firing end of a cannon pointed at his face. Well… That settles it. ALL of the universes hate me.
“FIRE!” he heard an overly enthusiastic voice yell from somewhere behind the cannon and before he could yell for them to stop, his vision was filled with confetti and thoughts of how this was how he would die. In an alternate dimension surrounded by talking ponies and his last meaningful conversation was with the voice in his head.
With all the grace of a teenager getting up from bed after being awoken by a airhorn, he traveled from one end of the street to the other. After landing on his back he began plotting his revenge against whoever it was that decided housing a cannon inside of a library was a good idea, vowing that he would in fact one day make them pay for this. He got up to his hooves only to be met by a highly ecstatic pink mare with impossibly curly hair.
“Hiya! Are you okay?” She asked, Cameron immediately recognised it as the same voice that gave the order to fire the cannon at him. He began to wonder if anyone in this world had any semblance of sanity. First he gets hit on and then he gets shot in the face by a completes stranger before he could even get inside the public library. Why would you even have a cannon in a library?
“Oh, yeah i’m TOTALLY fine after being shot with a cannon loaded with confetti. Wait, why was it loaded with confetti?” Cameron asked realising that he still had copious amounts of the shredded paper now in his mane. Cameron may not have been the best guy to ask about fashion but he knew that neon colored shreds of paper in a dark blue mane went together about as well as two people on the internet who have different opinions.
“Oh, whoops” said the pink mare. “My name is Pinkie Pie, and sorry about the party cannon. I was just super excited because of something my friend told me and I just HAD to fire it”.
“So you thought it was a good idea to fire a cannon inside of a library? Isn't there a rule against loud noises or something like that?” Cameron asked, wondering if she toted the cannon around with her wherever she goes. “Anyways, i’m new around here and i would really like to just do some research at the library and.... Why are you smiling?”
Pinkie just continued to have the single largest smile that the world had ever come to know and then took in such a large breath cameron was worried that she may have just depleted the atmosphere. “Ohmygoshthatmeansthaticanthrowyouapertysinceyou’renewhereandyoucanmeetallofmyfriendsandicanshowyouaroundandtherewillbecakeandballoonsandtunsofgamesand-” At this point Cameron just shoved his hoof in her mouth to get her to calm down so he could just hopefully get through this day.
“Look, I can see that you have a good idea of me having a party, but I really do have to get this research project done. Can I talk to you later, perhaps?” Cameron had forgotten to remove his hoof so Pinkie simply nodded and then he took it out and continued on his way into the structure. Please let the owner of this place be sane, I would give anything just to figure out what is going on.
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Alex was on board the train to Ponyville now, hoping that he would not have to deal with any more shenanigans on his way to his new workplace. After you have been probed, forced into labor and then dealt with the sheer snobbiness of the elite of Canterlot, you really just need to get away. Alex was curious how exactly his new powers granted by the mighty Luna worked, so he figured he might as well just sleep on the train ride and see how that worked out. He laid his head down to hopefully get some sleep and after a few minutes he opened his eyes, only to see a completely different place than when he fell asleep.
The Place he was now in was like if you were to take the train car he had been sleeping in and let a 70’s painting group take the train and have a paint off in it. He looked around and saw that the other ponies around him were all awake except for himself (which was rather trippy seeing yourself from a third person perspective) and a mint green Unicorn with a lyre for her cutie mark.
Eh... its a start. He started walking towards her wondering how exactly this was going to work. Alex began walking over to her in his ethereal form and then kind of walked in to her. He was sucked in by some magical force that made him feel all tingly inside. His later explanation for why he felt this way you ask? *Magic*.
And then Alex looked into the dreams of the mare, only to see some off looking humans and the mare herself... doing... OH SWEET CUPCAKES, WHO WOULD EVER HAVE THIS KIND OF DREAM. After Alex screamed (still not sure if the Unicorn had heard this, as he was under the impression he was invisible to her) for what seemed to be several minutes and had the volume to shatter all the glass in the world, he jumped out of the dream and back into his own body. Now making sure not to scare the living crap out of the other passengers onboard the train and quickly made his way to the back of the train and began to cry himself back to sleep.
Okay , Alex thought to himselfI seriously need to make sure that this never happens again. Note to self, never go into that unicorns dreams again... I’ve been on the clock for all of one minute and I am already scared for life. Why must this world be so cruel to me?
Chapter 5: Of Libraries and Cupcakes
Cameron walked into the library, hoping that the cosmic entity that was created only to troll him at every possible turn was taking a quick break from its normal routine. Okay, a library. Now this is something that I am familiar with. At that moment he began to call out for the librarian all the sudden he noticed a glow coming from upstairs. Curious about if this would be another one of those crazy random happenstances that conspired against him he chose to investigate.
As Cameron walked up to the floor above him, he began to hear voices. “Okay now, just make sure that there's nothing in the way of the spell. I don’t want a repeat of last time.” Of course with Cameron being so incredibly thick he could likely catch an entire armies worth of bullets with his skull, he decided to continue up the stairs.
“Um, excuse me you wouldn't happen to have any books on-” Cameron was going to finish that sentence, but then a beam of purple light shot above his head, singeing his mane.
“Dude... That was close, I nearly got destroyed and would cease to exist”. Chimed in the ever obnoxious Brian.
Yes, and that would be ever so terrible because then I would never have to deal with you again. Cameron was now aware of the smoky smell coming from his hair. And evidently the universe still hates me. What's next, the moon crashes into the earth but only hits me?
“Oh my... I’m so sorry i nearly hit you there” said the purple mare now standing in front of him. “Um, you were saying something before I almost vaporised you?” She said this as if it was sort of casual and this was a common thing for her to do. Either that or she really could care less about the fact he nearly died right there in front of her.
“Uh, yeah.” Cameron said with a worry in his voice, which may have now gone up about an octave or so. Hey, lets see you have a magic bullet graze you and not be worried about it. “I was wondering if you have any history or culture books, I need them for a.... project of mine.” Smooth once again Cameron... “My name is Shadow Feather”.
“Sorry about that, yes we have a few books on those subjects around here. My name is Twilight Sparkle” At the mention of that name combination Cameron had to hold off from bursting out laughing, remembering the terrible books series that had somehow managed to gain a lot of hype. If she had ever found her way to his world he would likely have pity on her for such a name.
“Okay, you wouldn't mind helping me find them would you? I would like to get this project done as soon as I possibly can” this was at least one thing he told the truth about. he wanted to get going as soon as he could, even better if he could start heading back to his world.
“Of course.... SPIKE!” She yelled for someone who Cameron assumed was named that. Then a small dragon came running out from around the corner, wearing a small pink apron. it was at this point that Cameron hoped that spike was a girl rather than a guy. “Can you help Shadow here find some books on culture and history of equestria?” Okay, that was good, now Cameron knew the name of the country he was in.
“Yeah, sure I can. Hey, what smells burnt?” Said the small dragon, who Cameron was now sure was a dude. This was possibly one of the most comedic things he had ever seen, and now had a wonderful idea for his next bet with his friends back home.
“There is a list of things I love about life, and now I have this on that list simply because I enjoy the misery of others. That and tacos”. With this in mind Cameron vowed never again to eat tacos, simply to spite Cameron.
“Welp... Better get to reading then.”
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After the train incident, Alex realised that he was rather hungry. After he got off of the train station he decided to look around for somewhere to eat, and spotted a confectionery not far from where he currently was. He figured that might just be what he needed to sustain himself for a while. With the few extra bits that he had gotten from Luna he went into the shop.
The smell of sugar and baked goods filled the air as he entered the shop, deeply inhaling the sweet smells of it. He saw a (terrifyingly) pink mare manning (ponying?) the counter in front of him. She reminded him of someone who was on a constant sugar rush, and given where he was that actually could be possible.
“Hello, what do you have for sale here?” Alex asked, worried that she might just explode into pure particles of sugar before his very eyes. “I just got here on a train and I figured that I should get something to eat.”
"Oh! You're new here? That means I have to give you the extra special cupcakes I make for everypony new! Come with me to the basement and we'll get you some!" The pink mare exclaimed walking towards a hatch that Alex assumed led to the basement. Clearly going into a basement with the first person you meet is a good idea, especially when you are in a foreign universe where you don’t have the faintest idea of how things work.
After following her down into the cellar Alex began to question whether or not this was a good idea, however when the pink mare turned around and handed him a cupcake with Yellow frosting, and it had red and black stripes wrapping around it. “The last person who was here helped me make this batch of cupcakes. He was REALLY good with helping me get the ingredients I needed”. She said, having a brief twitch in her eye that gave away that she may have been ever so slightly unstable.
Alex took the cupcake with his magic and brought it near his face, then took a bite out of the confection. Alex then preceded to let the taste of the cupcake process in his head, with essentially having a sugar rush so incredible that he had a psychedelic vision filled with candies, cakes and a river of pure Mountain Dew flowing beneath him. He simply hovered in the air as all of this flew by him and was taken in by the majesty of what he was seeing.
*Meanwhile outside of Alex’s brain, back in the cellar* Pinkie looked at the colt that she had just given the cupcake to. He had taken a bite out of the cupcake and then simply fallen over twitching from the sudden sugar coma that he had just entered. Pinkie knew full well how some people reacted to her special cupcakes and decided that it would be best to get him to a hospital as soon as she could. She thought about how he would look in cupcake form and decided to leave him for later, rather than what she originally had planned on doing.
Chapter 6: Of Sugar Comas and Pain
After Alex had fallen into the sugar coma, his dream self had become separated from him and was forced to follow him so he could make sure he knew were he woke up. Evidently the cupcakes made in ponyville are about ten times more potent than anything that could have possibly existed on earth. He knew he had never handled sugar well but this was just ridiculous. He followed the medical team who was now carting his unconscious body back to (what he assumed was) the hospital after he had collapsed in the cellar. Also from looking at himself in third person perspective he realised he drooled in his sleep. He prayed that no one back home would find out about this, if he ever found his way back. He then began to contemplate telling everyone that he had been trapped in a world of talking ponies and magic, after falling through a hole in space and time and realised that everyone would assume he had gone insane.
After about ten minutes they arrived at the hospital and followed them up to where he would be until he woke up, which would hopefully be soon. Alex had tried to go back into his body to wake himself up already but simply couldn't do it like he had on the train. He figured that he might have to actually do some of his community service before he could go back into his body, so he began the trek through ponyville to find someone to dream-creep. He got to the center of town and saw a sizeable tree that was labeled as a library. If there was not a single thing in there that had not fallen asleep then he would likely not find anyone to bother for a few good hours. He phased through the door to it, which made him feel incredibly tingly all over from going through solid matter and saw his next “victim”, a grey pegasus asleep with his face in a book. It vaguely reminded him of Cameron from the fact that he had actually read himself to sleep.
He walked over to the pegasus, hoping not to have a repeat of last time and went on ahead to the dream. At first he was severely confuse and thought that he had been transported back to earth, namely Cameron’s bedroom since that was what he saw. Then he saw Cameron repeatedly banging his head against the wall and someone else on his bed throwing a ball up into the and catching it, in perfect rhythm with Cameron's actions.
“Oi, Cam. We have visitors” said the one on the bed, at first Alex thought that whomever it was on the bed was in the same situation as him, but then he realised where he was. He was stuck inside of Cameron's head.
“Yeah, sure. And i’m the queen of england on a pogostick delivering sandwiches to all the little girls and boys. Why would there be anyone where?” Cameron said with such heavy sarcasm that you could probably get crushed to death by being so close to it.
“Not kidding, Alex is here and he looks like he is about to have his brain explode into a thousand tiny pieces.” Said the one on the bed, who Alex now assumed was Brian. He had always wondered how Brian would look as a actual person. For those of you at home, imagine Cameron as a black haired teenager a bright green hoodie, Alex as a spiky blonde haired freshman with terrible taste in T-shirts and Brian as that guy down the street who you would just love to punch in the face because he manages to steal everyones girlfriend.
Cameron slowly turned his head towards where Alex was now standing, after registering that Brian was not in fact trolling him he walked towards Alex and then began to shoyuken Alex straight in the face. Alex learned three things from this.
1) You can do anything you want in dreams.
2) He could feel pain in other peoples dreams.
3) Shoyukens REALLY hurt.
“Question time, how are you in my dreams and why did you have to go for the portal? I LIKED BEING SOCIALLY INEPT BACK ON EARTH!” Cameron began to exclaim to his now rediscovered friend.
“Okay, first things first. I was transported into the bedchambers of an immortal princess, probed by the royal guard, given a history lesson and then forced into observing peoples dreams and reporting them back to said princess because she was too busy to do it herself. And I wanted to touch the portal simply because I had nothing better to do.” Alex said to his friend, now slightly less aggravated after delivering a punch that was meme worthy.
“Huh... I was expecting you to say you touched the portal because you wanted to spite me. How thoughtful of you to come and visit me. So you can go into other peoples dreams now and just kind of watch?”
“Yeah, I am kind of stuck in a coma at the hospital after eating a cupcake and decided I might as well make use of my time. Let me guess, you got turned into a pony?”
“Got it in one. I headed straight to the library so I could figure out what to do from here. I think I read enough to survive and hopefully not end up being jailed because I broke some stupid law that would make no sense back home.” Cameron said with some amount of boredom added into his usual voice.
“And he already got hit on within the first thirty minutes of being in town!” Added in Brian, who was now at the receiving end of Camerons glare that could pierce through to you very soul and was an immediate “shut up or I will eviscerate you with your own jaw” sort of look.
“Seriously? Cameron got hit on? Fine, tell me about that later, can you come and pick me up from the hospital? I already know that you have nothing better to do, and don’t even dare say that you have homework to do.” Alex pleaded to his friend. “Oh, and if i’m not awake by the time you get there, please make sure that I wake up sometime today”.
“Okay, but if it’s anything like back home they are gonna ask how I know you. And are you using Alex still or something more culture based?”
“I’m under the name of Crimson Flame, but no one here knows it so just ask for the guy in a sugar coma on the third floor. Are you under a different name here as well?”
“Yeah, i’m calling myself Shadow Feather around here. See you in a little while Al.”
On that note Alex left his Cameron’s body and decided to head back to his own at the hospital before Cameron got there.
*several minutes later, at the hospital*
“Here he is, but we can’t seem to get him to wake up from the sugar coma. Are you sure you know how to get him to wake up?” Asked the nurse showing Cameron the comatose body of his friend (whom Cameron noted was dooling) in the hospital.
“Yes, this was the only way I could get him to wake up back home whenever he needed to get up to go to school. This technique comes from years of advanced practice in the medical field and is almost guaranteed to get a man to wake up, no matter how deep asleep they are.” Said Cameron, already putting into motion his plan against Alex for dragging him here.
Alex’s dream self watched from the side of the bed, wondering what Cameron would be talking about. The only time they had ever been asleep anywhere near each other was back in summer camp, and Cameron always woke him up by...
“DON’T YOU BUCKING DARE DO IT YOU MOTHER BUCKER.” Alex screamed at the top of his (technically) non existent lungs, fearing what was going to happen in the next few moments.
Cameron walked over to Alex’s body and began to raise a hoof high above his head, finally exacting revenge on Alex. “Dude, this is brutal, even for me. And that is saying a whole lot.” Brian said, worried about what Cameron was about to do to Alex. Cameron then swiftly began to lower his hoof towards the lower half of Alex’s new pony body until...
*THWACK*
Alex quickly jolted up in his bed, dream self and physical self now safely together in a single body and screamed the ever hilarious sentence “MY BALLS” loud enough that it was likely that even Luna herself could have heard him (she did, actually but that is a whole other story in itself) and then doubled over crying in pain.
“Morning Crimson, sleep well enough?”
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Chapters 7-8: Chaos is common, Sanity is not.
Chapter 7: Job hunting is chaos
After the sheer amounts of pain that Alex had suffered through from waking up by Cameron’s hand (literally, but technically since it’s actually a hoof), he nursed himself on his way back to the center of town where they would come up with a further plan. They had a place to stay (courtesy of Princess Luna) but they still did not have a way to support themselves.
“Okay, so we can use your place as a decent base of operations while we're stuck here, until then we need to find ourselves jobs.” Said Cameron, fending off the worry of his situation, slightly alleviated by them having a place to stay. He had told Alex that he went to the library to sneakily sleep somewhere and to learn about where he was.
“Hm... I think I saw a billboard in the center of town that we could check to see if there are any jobs we could do while we are here. It’s better than nothing at all,” suggested Alex. “At worst we could become street performers.”
“And play what? I don’t know if you have noticed but the only things I can play right now are the bongos. Meanwhile you can use magic and can play anything from a guitar to a harp or lyre.” Said Cameron, not noticing that Alex had run over the bush and started puking his recently devoured cupcake at the mention of a lyre, dredging up some terrifying memories.
“You could always become a maid; I always wondered what you would look like with a maids costume on. I think that it would be good for your self-esteem.” Replied Brian, who up until now had never given any input on their predicament. “However I do think that Alex would look better in it, he is the one who can control things with his mind.”
“Shut up Brian, nopony is going to be wearing a maid’s outfit any time soon”or at least I hope not.
“What?”
“Nothing, it’s just Brian being Brian again. He said that you should become a maid.”
“Please do me a favor and tell him to go buck himself.”
“Will do. Okay, so here is the plan, you go on ahead to the board and see what jobs there are to be taken. I’m going back to the library to ask the owner if she knows anything about work in the town. See you in an hour or so.” With the plan set out before them they headed off in opposite directions.
Alex trotted off in the direction of the town center, passing sugar cube corner as he went. He decided he would come back later and talk with Pinkie Pie about his recent hospitalization. He had just gotten to the billboard and had taken a mental note of the different jobs that were posted up, some not exactly his style but paid well enough. He decided on one a place called carousel boutique, seeing that it paid well and he would just be there as an assistant. He made a mental list of the other ones that Cam might like. He began to turn around to head back to house when he was suddenly blindsided by a grey Pegasus that Alex at first thought was Cameron.
The Pegasus in question had a grey coat that was lighter than Cameron’s and had blond hair and gold eyes that seemed to be looking off in different directions. She had a mail bag with her and Alex assumed that she was likely delivering them. It took a minute but after Alex registered that he had just been hit by a Pegasus it was then that he noticed that his ribcage felt like it was hit by a jackhammer.
“Uh, hey there...” Alex said with the same sort of confused reaction that he had when he had first arrived in Equestria at the palace. Great, I attempt to do something productive and a girl blocks my path. Why does this not happen in my life normally?
“Sorry about that, didn't see you there. My name is Ditzy Doo.” said the mare, picking up a few letters that had become scattered around. She seemed nice enough, but Alex knew from some of his misadventures that she may not totally be there. “I just don’t know what went wrong.” At this Alex had a strange sense; like that the sentence she had just said was supposed to be there.
“Ah its fine. Nopony is perfect anyhow.” He said in the joking tone that he only used when he had to deal with a girl. “Hey I know, why don’t we go to sugar cube corner and get something to eat. It’s kind of my fault for being in your way. It’s my treat.” Alex said, hoping to compensate for accidentally running into her. He still had a few bits and needed to talk to Pinkie anyhow. They headed back to the confectionery to deal with the psychotic pink mare, Alex planning on getting something sugar free if he could. He did not want a repeat of this morning all over again.
Alex walked with the gray mare into the shop, hoping that he would not directly have to deal with the pink mare again. Then he began to feel breathing down his neck from the opposite side that Ditzy was on.
“Pinkie is standing right next to me, isn’t she?” Alex said with the same voice that you would hear from a cartoon character in the same situation. Alex sighed as Ditzy shook her head, confirming his suspicions. “I’m not even going to bother asking how she got there without me noticing, I think just attempting to figure it out would make my brain explode.”
“So, back for another cupcake?” The mare said with a disturbingly large smile on her face. Alex now assumed that she was going to intentionally attempt to kill him for the rest of his stay in this world filled with maniacs.
“No, I think I’m going to go for something sugar free this time. One trip to the hospital and pain unimaginable is enough for today, but thanks for the offer. Do you have any muffins?” Alex said as he was aware of the Pegasus suddenly grinning, with a wild look in her eyes that one could immediately assume was akin to an obsessed persons look when it came to their favorite subject.
“Yeah, we have a few muffins for sale. But wouldn’t you prefer a delicious cupcake instead? They are freshly made!” She exclaimed, the same twitch in her eye as before.
Alex glanced back and forth between Ditzy and Pinkie thinking how best to deal with the situation at hoof. “Actually, I prefer muffins over cupcakes.” He said with a wink at Ditzy. If he was going to be stuck in another world, he might as well get in a relationship. However he was stopped from making any more suggestive comments before he was knocked over by the door behind him being bucked open.
“Crimson! We have an emergency of impossibly large proportions!” Alex exclaimed, clearly disturbed and afraid of whatever had happened. He took a few deep breaths and looked around at who else was in the shop. He saw Pinkie put on his best poker face. “And no Pinkie, this is not a party emergency and put away the party cannon. Being hit by that thing is not fun.”
“Okay then,” Alex said. “What is the emergency so important that you kicked the door open while I try and get a date?”
“Brian got out.”
“Well that doesn’t…. Wait, what?”
^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^
After Cameron and Alex had separated to go their different ways, Cameron had set out to the library. He wanted to know a few more things and also wanted to see if she knew anything about jobs around town. He assumed that she may know a few more things than were posted p on the board. Cameron trotted up to the library entrance, hoping that Twilight was in and not out doing something else. He opened up to door to see a large tube of water in front of him, Twilight standing near it.
“Hello again. What exactly is this thing for?” Cameron asked, wondering why this would possibly be here.
“Hey, I’m just doing some experiments. I’m trying to separate the salt water into its base components using magic. So far I have yet to get a good result.” She said, more focused on her work than him.
“Okay, do you know if there are any good jobs up around town? I’m out of work and I would like to see if I can get something to do.” Cameron asked, knowing well enough that if she couldn't think of anything for him he still had Alex to fall back to for jobs.
“Nothing I can readily think of, aside from my friend Rarity looking for an assistant.” At the mention of the mare that he met earlier Cameron shuddered. Dealing with her once was more than enough. “Anyways I should be able to separate these things fully with this spell.” She began to charge up her magic, creating the glow around her horn. She began to fire the spell but the most inconvenient of circumstances presented itself right as she fired. She sneezed. After the quick sneeze, her spell went off course and of course went to the disaster magnet that we have come to know as Cameron.
The blast hit him full force, sensing him flying back into the book case behind him. The blast itself did not hurt like he had expected, although he had wicked headache. He got up, eyes adjusting to his surroundings since he had practically been blinded by the blast. “Well, looks like I’m still in one piece. Looks like the spell was a dud, good thing to or else I might just be atomized.” Cameron said with relief that for once he did not end up a victim as usual and he walked away from this without some kind of problem.
Twilight just stared at him, open mouthed at the sight she was seeing. Cameron was slightly confused at why she was looking at him. “What, did I turn into a floating waffle or something?”
“So this is what it’s like to have a body. Man, I could really go for a taco.” The voice behind Cameron said who he immediately recognized as a constant plague on his life. Filled with sheer terror at what he was about to see, Cameron turned around to see a fully bodied Brian standing there. “Sup?” Brian as a pony was actually quite good. He had an evenly split mane that had black on one side and electric blue on another. He had gotten blood red eyes that seemed to be the opposite of Cameron’s blue. Whereas Cameron and Alex had become a Pegasus and Unicorn, Brian had gotten the draw of becoming an Earth pony. He had a single feather for a mark, and Cameron realized after quickly looking that he was missing one of his two that he had.
“Oh sweet merciful Celestia Twilight, what have you done.” Cameron said, slowly turning towards the Purple Unicorn. “This is not going to end well for anypony.” Over the years, Cameron had made a list of things that should never be allowed to happen. #2 on that list (just under giving Alex the ability to travel through all of space and time) was Brian having a body. Brian could occasionally control Cameron’s body a little so that he could making do something incredibly awkward, but that was nothing compared to giving him a body to himself.
“Well, I can see that I can do as I please now. So my first order of business is to enjoy myself. Quickly, new body. TO THE CLUB!” Brian exclaimed as he galloped out of the library past a rather confused looking dragon.
“Who was that?” Spike asked, wondering about the mysterious newcomer that had come out of nowhere.”
“That, Spike, is nothing good in the slightest.” Said Cameron, fearing for the people of the town.
Chapter 8: Pinkie and the Brain
Cameron and Alex walked galloped around the town, searching for Brian who evidently was causing mass havoc. The spa was overflowing with bubbles and Cameron swore that he saw something implode off in the distance. Brian had also systematically gone about and reorganized all of the public files at the town hall so that they would spell out quotes from movies. He had finally stopped when he had done an ever so famous line from pulp fiction.
“How has he had time to do this? You said that he only got a body about half an hour ago!” How a single entity could cause this much mayhem so quickly was beyond him.
“This is Brian we are dealing with, if he couldn’t do all of this then I think he would be disappointed in his own abilities. Besides, he’s had years to come up with pranks and never has been able to execute them. Now that he has a body he is more dangerous than I think anything on earth is.” He knew someone with a mind like Brian (which technically was his mind) would cause massive amounts of destruction if allowed to roam free.
After tracking down some of the carnage to an apple orchard where all of the apples had been repainted Neon colors, they began to lose hope in finding Brian. “Okay, so if I were a psycho maniac who never has had a body before, where would I go?” Alex asked, pondering the question that now plagued their minds. “Oh no…. I figure out where he went Cam.”
“Seriously? Where do you think he went? He’s practically done half the town already, what could he possibly want.”
“Okay, let me answer that question with another question. If you had never been able to touch, feel, or taste? And especially if you knew about a candy store in the immediate vicinity? What would you do then?”
“Oh sweet bacon bits….. He’s at sugar cube corner.” With the realization of a being that had a plan to prank an entire world was about to make contact with a pony that broke the saws of science itself, they knew that it was about to get incredibly dangerous to be in Ponyville.
Cameron decided that now would be a good time to fly as fast as he could, while Alex figured out how to teleport (which was a series of hilarious misadventures) they made their own ways to the confectionary. Cameron got there first and had to wait a few minutes for Alex to show up. When he arrived he was a little bit disgruntled.
“Why are you covered in jelly?”
“DON’T. ASK.” Said Alex, quickly making a pulse of magic to get the sticky substance off of himself.
“Fine by me, oaky so once we get Brian how are we going to go about making me and him into the same pony again?” Cameron asked, wondering what to do after this.
“Well, I guess we just drag him back to whoever split you up in the first place.” Alex suggested. “If they can break you they can fix you, right?”
“I suppose so; hopefully she can counteract the effects of the spell. I think I prefer a Brian that whines and complains versus one that can pull pranks any day of the year.” Cameron said, hoping that he would be able to get rid of the hardcopy Brian. He only kept him around because he was about a thousand times better with girls than he was.
The dynamic duo entered the store, bracing themselves for the worst. After looking around they spotted Brian sitting at a table, eating a waffle covered in frosting. He quickly devoured it and then proceeded to talk to the pink pony across from him. “So, what do you do for fun?”
“Pinkie! Whatever you do don’t trust him. He’s completely mad with power and he’s planning something…. Evil I guess… Look, I don’t know what he’s planning but he already flooded the spa and reorganized the files at the town hall in theatrical order.” Exclaimed Cameron, half aware that he may have just created a wholly new term for organization. “He cannot be trusted!”
“Well he’s just playing pranks, I do that all the time and I can be trusted.” Replied Pinkie. “What is so wrong with a few little pranks?”. Cameron knew that this was going downhill fast; he needed a way to take care of Brian. Then an idea came to him so crazy that it may just work.
“But Pinkie, you don’t understand. He is completely evil, so evil in fact that he hates parties. And I mean, hates them.” Cameron knew this was a desperate bid, if nothing else she would get mad at him and leave. However the reaction he got was a bit more extreme than anypony could ever expect.
Pinkie had a crazed look in her eye. Alex had gone out with some absolutely psychotic chicks that looked crazy but this was a whole different league. Her hair went flat and her coat seemed to dim by a few shades, however it was when her head twisted clockwise and everypony in the store heard a audible crack was the time that Cameron had realized his mistake. “He. Doesn’t. Like. Parties?” She said, eye twitching at the concept. She then reached behind herself and wheeled out the dreaded party cannon, aiming it at Brian. She fired off the cannon, full blast just a foot away from Brian. Cameron himself knew the power of the cannon and winced at the sight before him. Brian got blasted the entire length of the store, landing in a rather large cake that was situated in a corner.
“Of course he gets to land in something cushy. And of course it’s something that’s delicious.” Cameron complained, recalling his experiences with the cannon. With Brian now done for the count the twosome realized they now had to deal with a psycho mare with a cannon. “Pinkie, put away the cannon. Nopony needs to get hurt now. Just calm down.”
Of course she simply ignored his plea and proceeded to turn the cannon towards them. “You.” She said, staring straight at Cameron. “You didn’t want me to throw you a party when I first met you.”
Oh buck. She remembers that. “Uh… Pinkie? You just need to calm down. It’s not that I didn’t want a party, it’s just that I was busy and everything.” Cameron said, voice (and knees) shaking at the prospect of his imminent death at the hands of the pony in front of him. Cameron could see no possible way out of this that would not end with his head on a sugar coated platter.
Alex looked at the scene in front of him. Cameron was about to lose it, Brian was buried underneath several pounds of frosting and cake. And he realized he still had several bits of jelly still lodged in his mane. This was going nowhere painfully slowly. He needed a way to end this quickly, and realized that he could likely solve the problem and get revenge on Cameron all at the same time. “Pinkie, I think Shadow REALLY wants a party. Why not throw one for him? He always likes parties, especially when he’s the center of attention and can’t leave them!” Alex said, giving a look at Cameron that just screamed “yeah, you saw this coming”.
At the concept of throwing a party, the cannon wielding maniac’s hair went back to its usual pomp and she looked like herself again. “Yay, now I can throw him a party! Since this one got held off for so long I can use the piñata I stored in the cellar. It’s filled with my excess cupcakes!” She exclaimed, hurrying off into the cellar.
“Uh, okay Pinkie. We need to take care of Brian so we’ll be back in an hour or so. See you soon” huh. That went a lot better than I expected. Is that seriously all it takes to get her to calm down? Alex asked himself. After he got Cameron to stop shaking he went over to the cake and dragged an unconscious Brian from the delicious mess.
“Okay, next stop the library. I am just DONE with this. Come on Al, let’s get going.” And so they set off, dragging an unconscious pony across the whole of town, not even bothering to clean him up. As one could guess, they received a lot of stares from bystanders, many asking what happened. Instead of telling them everything they simply said “Pinkie happened”.
After arriving at the library and dragging him inside, they had to explain everything that happened to Twilight, wondering why he was covered in frosting.
“Okay, that explains how he got like this but where did he come from?”
“Remember how you had a spell that separated things from each other?
“Yeah, I also remember that I hit you with that… Sorry, by the way.
“Well, to make things simple he was an annoying sort of splinter personality in my head that refused to go away and I thought he had managed to gain his own sentience. When you hit me with that spell he must have separated himself and somehow got a body in the process.”
“Huh…. So do you want me to put him back in?”
“Yeah, that would probably be a good idea, especially before he wakes back up. He already caused several problems around town and I don’t want him to cause any more problems”
“Okay, now brace yourself.” She said, charging up a magi blast that would (hopefully) make Brian and Cameron the same entity once more (despite how much Cameron dreaded the concept). After he got hit by this magic blast he began to notice a rather annoying tingling sensation, quickly followed by a pain unlike anything he had ever felt before. “OH CELESTIA WHY DOES THIS HURT SO MUCH?” He screamed, noting that his voice was higher than it should have been. He doubled over from the pain, vision blurring as well. He got up and immediately head Alex attempting to stifle a laugh. “What’s so funny?” He noticed that his voice still had yet to go back down to its normal pitch. The pain had gone as quickly as it had come, but he felt like something was off, but you just couldn’t put a hoof on it.
“Dude, I seriously want to take a picture of this”
“Wait, Brian why are you still out here?”
“Uh, Shadow? I think you need to see what happened to you.” Twilight said, horn glowing as she picked up a mirror to show Cameron what everyone thought was so funny.
She moved the mirror in front of Cameron, who at the sight of himself screamed so loudly that he doubt that he would have broken his vocal chords were he still a guy. “Oh sweet adorable pugs in a cardboard box. I’m a girl.”
Chapters 9-10: Simply, banana
Chapter 9: Cameron is ponynapped and Brian makes Tacos
“Well, this seems to be quite the predicament that I’m in….” Cameron said to herself (or would it be Carmen?), realizing her current situation. “Twilight, so help me if you can’t reverse this I will eviscerate you using your own horn. Then I will go about removing every trace of you from history, so that there will not be a single pony who remembers you, and you will effectively be dead to the world”.
Alex knew this side of Cameron, and he knew that Cameron was dead serious about the threats he was making. He had once managed to completely remove a student from his old school from the servers, making him redo the entire grade simply because he had tripped him and never apologized. He had also once promised to pull the greatest April fools prank the school would ever see, and then on that all of the ketchup had been replaced with 5 alarm hot sauce and it was a day they had French fries. Never again was Cameron allowed to go anywhere near the condiments. She was a man (mare?) of promises and always kept to them.
It was at this point that that a certain purple maned mare walked into the library. “Twilight, do you still have those-“. She stopped mid-sentence, eyes locked onto Cameron, who seemed to have a look of terror in his (her, Celestia this is going to get confusing fast) eyes. “Why, what a lovely coat you have. I just got done with a new dress and I think it might fit you. Come along.” She said, however it was more of a command rather than a request since she started to lead Cameron on her way to her boutique, regardless of Cameron’s protests.
“Well, that just happened. You know who that was?” Brian asked, sitting down. “Shadow and I met her when we first came here, that was possibly one of the most awkward things that have ever happened to him. And now that he’s a she, it could only ever possibly get better.” He said with a stupid grin on his face.
“Yeah, that was Rarity. She runs the boutique in town. So, Shadow is now stuck with her until she is done. I think that if I tried to pull him… I mean her out of their Rarity would not be exactly happy. Tartarus knows no fury like that of an angry seamstress.”
“Great,” said Alex. “We have to go in there and save Shadow before he becomes a model for whatever dress she has in store for her. Personally I just want to see how this will play out just so that I can have something to use against him, or we could attempt to get him back… Wait, did you say her name was Rarity?”
“Yeah, why? Is that important or something?” Twilight said, curious as to why he would ask that question.
Alex stood there for a few seconds, just blinking. “Well, I need a job and that was the job I was going to apply for. It says that she was looking for somepony that could start working immediately.” He sat there, pondering what to do from there. “I could go and get the job, and then I might be able to get Shadow out of there and back to you before he loses all semblances of sanity. Seriously, even if Shadow is a girl now I think that her wearing a dress would bring the apocalypse upon us and there would not be a single pony that would not die in the ensuring fallout.”
“Well, that sounds like a perfectly good plan that I am going to stay as far away from as possible.” Brian said. “Besides, I’m freaking hungry and I could go for a taco.”
“What’s a taco?” Twilight said, head cocked at an angle.
“Wait, do you mean to say that tacos don’t exist here? They are these little folded and cooked things on what we call tortillas that are filled with stuff, possibly one of the greatest inventions of all time where our little trio came from and you mean to tell me that they don’t exist in Equestria?”
“If they do, then I've never heard of them before today. And this is coming from somepony who has read at least half a dozen cookbooks.”
“I…. This changes everything….. Crimson?”
“Yeah? Oh Luna… That look…. You have a plan to do something, don’t you?”
“ON THIS DAY THE TACO SHALL BE INTRODUCED TO EQUESTRIA, AND IT SHALL BE GLORIOUS!” Shouted Brian, before he bolted out of the library. Alex barely had time to react to what he had just heard. Brian was loose again and was about to introduce a whole new kind of food to the world, which could possibly end with more chaos than he had created when he had first gotten free.
“Well, then. I guess that means that we have to save Shadow ourselves then. Brian creating the taco might be a
problem though.”
“Oh? Why would that be?” Twilight asked,
“Well, he came out of Shadows head, and if he is anything like Shadow then it is quite likely that he will somehow manage to burn it before he even manages to turn any kind of cooker on.”
“Shadow can’t be that bad of a cook, could he?”
“Twilight, he once did a family cooking challenge. He was put in charge of pouring water for the judges and while tests later confirmed that what he had served was pure water, he had managed to turn it purple with floating bits of green in it. I swear to this day that it blinked at me…..”
“So, back on the subject of saving Shadow from the fashion machine that is Rarity?”
“Yeah, so to pull this off I have a brilliant plan.” Alex sat there for a second recalling some of the major details that he had come up with. “Twilight, how much can you teleport at once?” He asked.
“I don’t know, never really had to move more than a few ponies at any given time.” She responded, curious to why he
would have asked the question.
“Okay, that seems like it should be fine. Next part of the plan: Do you know where we could get bananas? Like, at least a dozen crates worth?”
Chapter 10: Alex nearly drowns and Cameron plots
It had been about 20 minutes since Cameron had been dragged into the store by Rarity, who was still taking measurements of him so she could make the dress. Cameron had long given up any hope of escaping her after one of his earlier attempts was met with being hit by a spell that froze him in place. It was at this point that Cameron had started coming up with ways to get back at Rarity and possibly burn down the store at the same time. “You know I didn’t want a dress. The things look terrible on me and… Buck it; I’m out of reasons to get you to stop…. Are you done yet?” Cameron asked, waiting for a reply from his captor.
“Almost, should only take one, maybe two…” She trailed off at the last part and Cameron did not quite catch the last part.
“Minutes?”
“No, hours. I want to make sure that I get this absolutely perfect” The mare replied, measuring the length of Cameron’s back. At that mention something inside of Cameron broke, and with that decided that he had two options to escape from this predicament. He could either A. Lose all of his masculinity (ironic, given his current state) and sit there for two more hours while a dress was made for him (that he would likely be forced to wear in public) Or B. He could go off and kill himself to save him from the insanity of this world, the humiliation he was about to receive and he might wake up if he was in some sort of coma. He was just about to get done with making a choice when the bell at the front door sounded.
“Hello? Is there a Miss Rarity in here?” Called the voice, who Cameron recognized immediately as Alex.
I swear if that cheeky bastard came here just to see me wear a dress…
“I’m here about the job offer, it said you were looking for an assistant?”
Wait… What? Now this was something completely unexpected, Cameron knew that Alex really did not do much work, but the fact that he actually had managed to pick a job and it happened to be that he would work for his captor seemed a bit... Unlikely.
“Wonderful, I will go and grab the paperwork that you will need to sign.” She turned to Cameron, giving her a glare that would likely be able to make a grown man cry of fear. “And you need to stay here.”
Rarity walked away to the upstairs of the shop, leaving the two of them alone. “Alright,” Cameron said. “If you’re here to just see me in a dress, I am so going to kill you.”
“No, I’m here for three reasons. The first is to get your sorry flank out of here, the second is to get a job like I said I would.” He said, a slightly ticked look on his face.
“Okay fair enough.” Cameron replied. Then he remembered that Alex had a third reason. “Wait, you said there were 3, not two. What's the third?”
“I wanted to see you in a dress, then use magic to capture that image. Permanently.”
“Okay that bucking settles it, you are so dead when we get back home.”
“Yeah well, good luck killing me. So Twilight and I came up with a plan...” Alex then spent the next minute or so explaining the plan to him, being vigilant that Rarity did not interrupt them.
“Okay, that is a bit ridiculous of a plan... But why bananas? I mean, theres a freaking apple orchard like, less than a mile from here. Surely that would make more sense.” Cameron asked, curious about why he would have used that fruit in particular.
“Well, my fine feathered friend (you have no idea how long he had waited to use that in an actual sentence), its because all ladies love them bananas.” He then gave Cameron a look that one would only use in the most suggestive of ways. Then Cameron realized how incredibly awkward a situation he was in, being a girl himself at that moment.
Rarity then came back downstairs with a clipboard levitating in the air beside her, a faint blue glow surrounding it. “Okay, here it is. I just need you to sign in a few places that give me the ability to employ you as my assistant. The last one ran out of here screaming after the first day. He actually only got through with helping me with one of my orders, then he just ran out, something about expectations I think?” She said, not really thinking about what she had just said. However Alex saw through (what he prayed to be) her ruse, and was just attempting to make him reconsider working for her.
“Well, I’m not that pony. So I think i’m still going to go sign those papers.” Alex said, calm as a cucumber that took yoga classes and was recently injected with sedatives. She handed the clipboard over to Alex, who used his own magic to sign some the spots, vaguely glancing at some of the lines in between them, he swore he read something about pony sacrifice but went back to find it and couldn't. After he was done he passed back the clipboard to her.
This was what Cameron had been waiting for, the signal for the plan to go into action. Cameron coughed, then spoke one of the oldest excuses known to the world. “Excuse me, I have to use the bathroom.” The likeliness that this would work seemed to be about 50/50. Rarity just rolled her eyes at this.
“Very well, just make it quick. I don’t have all day. I need to drop this sheet off upstairs anyhow.” She said, waving Cameron off with a hoof. Perfect, this was all going to plan. Cameron trotted off towards the bathroom, where his escape plan was waiting. There was a chance this could all go terribly wrong, but that was only a chance.
Cameron entered the bathroom, where a certain lavender unicorn was waiting for her. “Took you long enough, picking new hats?”. She said, a sarcastic tone to her voice.
“Trust me, becoming a girl and then being hit by the wave of hormones makes you think things. And for a while I was considering buying things that no sane male individual should ever consider buying.” Cameron shuddered. “Look, lets just get this over with.”
“Okay then.” Twilight then began charging up her magic to teleport the two of them out of the bathroom, away from the fashionista that Cameron would likely be seeing in his nightmares VERY soon. She teleported them back to the library dropping off Cameron before, where a rather dapper looking Brian. He was sporting a black top hat with a golden rimmed monocle.
“Um, what's with the stuff?” Cameron asked, perplexed by Brian's new found swag.
“Oh this? I recreated the taco and sold the concept to a food chain, I put you as the name and we get a cut of the profits. You would be surprised how popular the taco is here, I did however change a few things since the ponies here don’t eat meat.”
Twilight teleported back into the library a moment later, after wondering exactly how hard it WAS to find a document that started with W. “Well, I dropped off the rest of the plan at Rarity’s. Why did he chose bananas anyways?”
“Twilight. Trust me when I say that his reasoning is something that you do NOT want to know. Lets just get this over with. Turn me back to being a colt and get Brian back in here.” She said, tapping her skull.
“Alright then. This might sting. Really, really sting.” Twilight said, charging up for the upteenth time that day.
“Wonderful, can’t wait to go through that again. For the second time. In the same day.” He prayed to Celestia that his body was ready.
She fired the blast, hitting Cameron felt the the same pain from before, doubly so because he also had to get a second consciousness forced into his head. Losing your mind (not in the Pinkamena way of total insanity) surprisingly does not really hurt. However having your bone structure reworked in a matter of seconds is about as painful as being forced to listen to modern pop music for 24 hours straight. After the searing pain of a thousand terrible songs having coursed through Cameron's flesh, he was now back to his old self. Brian included.
“Damn, and I was just starting to like being alive.” Said Brian, only sounding slightly disappointed. “Well, at least I took care of the cash problem. And to top it off I helped usher in a new food for the many ponies that inhabit this land. Today was a good day.”
Yeah well, to be fair you nearly leveled the entire town with your shenanigans. I seriously hope that I won’t have to deal with this later. Cameron took a deep breath. “So, how do you think Rarity is going to handle her surprise?”
“I don’t know, I guess we're going to see when Crimson gets back.”
“Well, this might just be one of his best plans ever.”
^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^
“Crimson? Do you know if my newest client is still in the bathroom?” Rarity called out, hoping for a reply from her new assistant.
“I never heard her come out.” Although I know that she is gone. I hope that everything has gone according to plan. Alex gave himself a wry smile.Oh how I hope everything has gone according to plan. “Maybe you should go and check on her? I would but, you know. I might get bucked in the mouth for barging in on a lady.”
“Very well,” Rarity said in a slightly annoyed tone that someone could easily mistake for whining. She walked up to the bathroom door and knocked. “Hello? Are you alright in there?” There was no reply. Rarity knocked a bit harder. “Hello?” Silence. At this point the fashionista was getting rather annoyed. “Alright then, I’m coming in there.”
This was the moment that Alex had been waiting for. Rarity started up her magic and begin to turn the doorknob, not noticing that the door had sounded like something was propped up against it when she knocked and that it had a ever so slight bulge. She turned the doorknob. It was at this moment that Alex realized that he was in the blast zone for what was about to happen. Oh buck.
The door exploded outwards, a sea of bananas exploding out from inside of the bathroom. How Twilight had managed to compact them all in there, Alex would likely never know. The wave of the yellow fruit came full force and buried Alex and Rarity underneath its potassium rich mass. The sheer quantity of the material forcing its way out blocked out the seamstress’s screams as the fruit battered her. There was silence for a minute possibly two, as the two of them got over the fact that they were now buried under bananas, of all things.
Alex was the first to get up from the mess. “Well that was unexpected.” Yes, the bananas were part of the plan. However he was not lying, him getting caught in the fallout of his plan was not expected whatsoever. Rarity got up next, and that's when Alex nearly died of laughter.
“What? What's so funny?” Rarity asked, not noticing what exactly had happened to her appearance.
Alex snickered into his hoof before using his magic to bring a mirror over to his new boss, and revealed to her was a
truly comedic sight, impaled perfectly parallel on her horn was a banana. Rarity just sat and stared at herself, after a few seconds she began to scream.
It took her a minute of 20 to calm down, get herself back in order and remove the banana. Alex was the first to say something. “Just going to go out on a limb and guess that i’m going to be the one that cleans up this mess?” Rarity simply nodded. “Figures”.
Chapter 11: The Punch had A Dragon In It.
Chapter 11: Madness? This. Is. EQUESTRIA!
And that was the story of the arrival of Cameron and Alex in Equestria, of course they did not plan on sticking around for very long. Since Cameron got a cushy inflow of money from Brians taco exploits, he mostly just stayed at the house. Alex on the other hoof was still working for Rarity, and occasionally was forced into modeling, despite his arguments against it. Were Cameron and Alex a single entity, it would be likely that they would have gotten off fine, however since Cameron was more of the brains of the operation he did most of the study into magic. However since he lacked the ability to do so he did it to understand the physics of the world he was forced into and possibly find a way back home.
“Hey Alex!” He shouted from the kitchen, attempting to get his friend's attention. He doubted that he would be able to get his friend's attention since he had recently discovered equestrian Dubstep. Seriously, you go from a world that's filled with violence and wars to essentially a world a skip away from utopia and there is still dubstep.
“Eh, its a compromise I think anyone would be willing to live through.” Said Brian, recently having returned to Cameron's cranium of knowledge. “Besides, it’s a heck of a lot better than what we have back home.”
I suppose you're right, but on the bright side there is not the pop music from our world. I swear that is what causes teenage violence and idiocy, honestly why the hell did the word swag become so popular? there are at least a hundred different sayings that would work just as well. Cameron looked back at the Grimoire he had borrowed from Twilight, the only other pony he had told about him and Alex’s predicament. He had been forced to tell her because of two reasons (three if you count her freezing him in place so he couldn't leave the library). The first reason was because of some words he had let slip during their conversations that had peaked her interest, and secondly because of Alex being a dumbass after the rescue plan.
He winced as the memory flowed back into the forefront of his mind.
*Several days ago, after the rescue mission and Alex cleaning up the ocean of bananas.*
Alex trotted into the library, curious to the status of his friend. “Hey, you girls here? Or is it back to a 50/50 split on gender again?” He yelled out to the general library, hoping for a response. He did get a response, however it was in the form of a bucket of hair dye, the heaviest duty pink that was available. Rather than a simple kind of dye that one would find in a normal store, Cameron had worked with Twilight to create a perfect prank spell that made it spread to his entire coat.
“And that's what you get for dragging me here in the first place, the hospital does not count because you made me have to pick you up from a hospital. You know I hate those with a passion yet you always find some way for me to get trapped in one on my birthday. Not even going to ask how you pulled the last one off.”
Alex just stood in place, blank look on his face.Oh sweet Celestia, I think I broke him. Thought Cameron. Then Alex just slowly turned towards Cameron, and looked him dead in the eyes.
“So help me when we get back to earth I am going to kill you and hide your body in several dumpsters.” He said, eye
twitching with an insane grin on his face.
Nope, not broke. He just needed to reboot.
Twilight spoke up next, “what is this earth place anyways? You guys talk like you're not from around here and you act a little... funny.”
CRAP! Mission abort! Mission abort! Screamed Cameron in his head, realizing that Alex had just given away something that could likely change the perception of the universe for everyone forever. “Well you see Twilight there is a perfectly good- CRIMSON, RUN!” He shouted, attempting to create a clean getaway from the mare, there were a few things he did not want to deal with and talking about interdimensional travel was not something he felt like doing today. Or really any day.
The two began to run out of the library when he heard the sound of a magic blast being fired and no longer heard Alex’s galloping. No time to save him, every pony for themselves! Right as Cameron shoved open the door he was hit with a bolt of magic.WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME? He realized he felt fine and attempted to move so that he could escape. And i’m frozen in place... Wonderful.
“Now you know how I feel man, it sucks not being able to move.” Said Brian, somewhat sympathetic to his situation.
Okay this is really not helping with the situation, if you have something that is actually useful in this situation that would be awesome. However I know you and if you actually had something that could help I’m almost certain that would signal the end of the world. An interesting thing to note about the way Brian speaks is that it almost perfectly matches the way a normal person (or pony) would talk, including taking a breath before he was about to say something. Before Brian could even say his thoughts he was interrupted by Cameron. And no, I will not try to lie my way out of this. At this Brian simply remained silent.
Twilight levitated Cameron over to her, an unamused look on her face “Answer. My. Question.” She said in a hostile voice that Cameron instantly knew that if he didn't, being unable to move would be the worst of his problems.
“Okay, so do you want me to answer this completely truthfully, a convenient lie that there would be no way you would know the difference or will you suddenly have a change in heart and let us go?” Twilight just kept her face the way it had been before. Cameron gulped, and responded in a incredibly nervous tone. “Truth it is then”. Cameron took a deep breath before going on to explain their situation. “Crimson and I are actually (technically) alien beings from a alternate reality and were dragged through here when he decided to touch a wormhole that led here. I wound up in Everfree while Crimson somehow found his way to Canterlot. Brian is a splinter of my personality that refuses to die and we both got turned into ponies at some point in our transition between realities.” He took another breath. “Any questions?”
Twilight looked at him, dumbfounded. “I will take that as a no, and if you have any questions find me later. Honestly I am tired as all heck and I kind of want to sleep. Oh, and don’t tell this to anyone. I would rather not become a test subject for some deranged scientist.” Twilight released the spell on them and then they proceeded to leave the building.
Alex turned towards Cameron. “Well, that went well if you ask me. Your thoughts?” Cameron's thoughts consisted of a single action. This action was what gave Alex a black eye, which went wonderfully with his coat.
Cameron brought himself back to the present and leafed through the book, hoping to find something that could help them get back home. Seriously, this is what I get for being sane. At this point he began to get seriously annoyed by Alex who was now blaring the dubstep so loud it could likely have been mistaken for an earthquake. Cameron closed the book and began to walk upstairs to yell at Alex, however when he got to Alex’s room he noticed that the door was open. Cameron pushed open the door and entered the room, noticing that the music was still going but there was no sign of Alex anywhere. He walked over and turned the speakers off and then noticed the slight draft.
Cameron turned around to see that the window was open and there was a note taped to the window as well. Oh this can not be good . Cameron took the note and opened it, and began to read the contents.
C,
Decided it was high time that I actually did something fun. Pinkie’s throwing a party for someone and I figured that it something to do. Also, I am borrowing Brian’s top hat. I’m hoping that the sheer amount of wubs that are being blasted will keep you out of my room so this is just in case i’m not back by the time you walk into the room. I also took some of the bits you had, not my fault Rarity is late on my pay. What's the worst that could happen to me at a party?
With loathing, A.
P.S. its a terrible idea to jump out of the window as a pony. Trust me, I know from experience.
“That cheeky mother bucker... I TOLD HIM NEVER TO TOUCH MY TOP HAT!” Exclaimed Brian, furious at Alex actions.
Quick question, why would it even matter? You don’t even need that thing any more. And you told me the only reason you bought it was to show off.
“I know, but the point still stands that I told him not to and he did it anyways.”
Fine, but there is no need to plot his demise, its just a top hat. And besides, its just a party. Knowing Alex he is either going to end up crying in a corner, get a girlfriend or the entire city will run away in terror.
V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V
After several games of dice against Pinkie Pie, Alex had lost the top hat and at least a dozen bits to Pinkie. Well, now I am going to have both Brian and Cam after my head. He decided that it was now time to go and get a drink from the punch bowl. However since a completely normal party would never make sense with the circumstances surrounding Alex and Cameron, the chances that said punch bowl would not be spiked were astronomically low.
Alex grabbed a ladle and cup with magic and served himself some the punch. Hey, this is some good punch, Although I can't quite tell what it is... Huh, thats new, I never knew that you could taste sound. And that was the last thing that Alex remembered before waking up in trash can in the public park.
Umm... What happened last night ? Alex thought, through the combined haze of a headache and drugging himself at the party last night. He climbed out of the trash can and cleaned himself of the trash that had gotten on his coat. Okay, never drink punch at Pinkies again. Alex rubbed his temples with his whooves. Better figure out what happened last night... And so Alex groggily set off to Sugarcube Corner once again.
Alex pushed open the door, looking around for any sign of Pinkie. Somehow all evidence that the party last night had taken place was gone, and the store was pristine. Wow, she cleans this place up fast. Alex trudged over to Pinkie, curious as to what happened last night. “Hey Pinkie, what happened to me last night? I woke up in a trashcan in the park. And I don't even walk in the park.”
Pinkie looked at him for a moment and then spoke. “Do you want the full story, the abridged version or the pictures from last night?”
Alex thought over the options laid out before him. He glanced up at the clock and saw he had about 20 minutes until he had to get work. “Eh, screw it. I’ll take the picture version.” Pinkie reached behind her and produced a box labeled “Party pictures”. Alex just sat there and looked at the box, wondering why she would even have this. “Okay, not going to ask why you have this. Not that I really care anyways. Alex opened the box looked over the pictures most depicted him somehow beating Pinkie at twister (he was suprising limber when he was drugged) and others he knew would damn him to a life of ridicule at the hooves of Cameron.
He flipped over to the next picture. He stared blankly at the picture letting what he was seeing process in his head. "Dear Luna, is that my horn?' He asked Pinkie. She simply nodded at his question. "You watched this all happen and you never thought to stop me?" Pinkie just shrugged at this. Alex rolled his eyes and proceed on with looking at the pictures. "Oh look, me crying in a corner. Wait...' He looked over the picture to take a double check of who he saw. It was the same mint mare from the train ride.
Oh Celestia, memories returning, nightmares for the next week activated. ERROR, Alex.exe has encountered a fatal error, looking for a solution. Reboot necessary for updates. Updating...
Pinkie looked at Alex, who had pretty much frozen in place after looking through the pictures. She decided that it would probably be best for him to get back to reality so she trotted over to him and proceeded to slap him across the face with a hoof. As one could imagine this was a lot more painful, considering that it was not skin making contact with his visage.
Alex blinked and then registered what had happened. “Thank you pinkie, I needed that.”
“No problem, you seemed like you needed that after the ten minutes you stood there.”
“...”
“What?”
“Ten.... Minutes?”
“Yeah why?” Pinkie asked in her ever upbeat voice.
Alex looked up at the clock to double check the time, and he had about five minutes to get to the boutique. Alex sighed. “Well, looks like today is my funeral.” While Rarity may have been the element of generosity, a laid back boss she was not. I am so dead.
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Chapters 12-13: Wormholes, Scrolls, Cupcakes and Flour
Chapter 12: Cupcakes, Thievery and Wormholes (Again)
Alex was getting bored, and quicker than usual. Rarity had gone off to some fashion exhibition and had closed down the shop while she was gone, so he was off work until she came back. She had given him advanced pay, to compensate for that (hey, she was the element of generosity for a reason) and he had nothing to really do. He only really went out to the clubs after work and pretty much only worked. He reached up and rubbed the spot where Cameron had nailed him with a book when he wouldn't stop complaining about there being nothing to do. At this point he was more than halfway done with his community service, and wondered what exactly he would do once he was done with that.
He glanced at the clock, seeing it was about noon. His stomach grumbled. Man, i’m hungry, might as well get lunch. He got up and proceeded to walk out the door. When you become a strictly vegetarian species realizing that meat is no longer on your palate can come as a bit of a dietary shock. He had also managed to build up a tolerance to the sugary treats that at one point had hospitalized after an extreme regiment from Pinkie. Might as well get a cupcake or something. He headed off in the direction of the confectionary to satisfy his hunger.
Alex opened the door and ducked just in time to not get hit by the incoming sugary missile of a cupcake. He got up to see that it had somehow gotten loosed during the chaos laid out before him. Both of the cakes were busy moving pastries around and dashing back to the counter to take the orders of the customers. He saw Pinkie dashing back and forth from the kitchen and the counter, placing ponies orders up front. He figured that he should wait for the chaos to die down before he decided to order, just to give them a bit of a reprieve from the madness.
He sat down at one of the tables and waited for about thirty minutes until it had calmed down enough that he figured that it would be a decent time to order. He proceeded to walk up to the counter, placed some bits on the table and stated his order. “Hey, can I get a chocolate cupcake? And what's going on exactly, I know you guys get busy at times but this is just ridiculous.”
Mr. Cake turned towards him. “Well we have this event we are catering at and we need to get all of the food ready for transport”. He pointed with his hoof over at the boxes in the corner. And now its gotten so hectic that we need to find a foal sitter since Pinkie is busy tonight.”
Alex thought about that for a while, recalling his experiences with children back on earth. He might as well offer since he had nothing better to do anyhow. He took a quick breath and asked. “What about me? I’m good enough with ch-... Foals and I have nothing planned for tonight so it wouldn't be a problem for me to do it.”
Alex had a bit of trouble processing what happened next, Mr. Cake darted into the back then come rushing back out again with a few rushed thankyous and he was handed some contact information, a list of needs for the foals and finally all of the boxes were quickly moved outside and both of the Cakes were gone. I will take that as I got the jo-.... Wait.... He let his thoughts process for an extra second. “YOU NEVER GAVE ME MY CUPCAKE!”
V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V
Cameron shook his head as he flew above the quaint little town. Being able to fly above everyone else made him feel like a boss. He had gained a new admiration for birds back on earth, and realise his life was gonna suck when he wouldn't be able to fly around. He had practically given up on the notion of figuring out how Pegasi worked since they lacked hollow bones, until he had found a book that had explained that they actually use their wings to instinctively grab the magic that permeated the entire world around them and used it to pull themselves around, which also explained why some Pegasi created streaks of color or patterns behind them.
He had actually gotten into a lot of equestrian literature since the whole series of unfortunate events he had gone through. Twilight would still pester him about human culture but Cameron had decided it would be best if the human race remained a mystery. At any point he could just say whatever he wanted and could probably make it so that indiana jones was not a fictional character and could replace all of the gods of ancient greece with comic book characters. He thought about that for a moment, envisioning Batman being Zeus. Huh... a billionaire badass as a king of gods.... Ancient Greece would have been awesome.
He looked over the cloud where he had perched himself, seeing if there was anything fun going on. Sadly, Cameron was a clumsy human and an even clumsier equestrian, so he promptly fell off the cloud. Crap! He began to fall, forcing him to rely on his instincts as a Pegasus. These instincts gave him a rather particular reflex, that reflex you ask? Flail around and pray to Celestia that he didn't become a fleshy pancake. He decided to open his eyes to see where exactly he would become the potentially delicious (albeit somewhat meaty) breakfast item. However he saw a rather familiar sight, a wormhole. Oh you have got to be kidding me.
He plunged through the gateway and opened his eyes, feeling rather bipedal again. He saw the skyline of his home city in front of him, flipped upside down and moving downwards (or would it be upwards?). Despite this, he went past the adrenaline rush and did something he thought he would never do. He yelled. “Hallelujah I’m back in this hellhole I call home!”
“Yeah well, don’t get too happy. I would like to point out that you don’t have wings any more.” He said in a rather snarky tone.
You know Brian, I hate you so much right now that I don’t even know where to begin. He glanced down, hoping that he was about to crash right into a pool, or a trampoline, or possibly even a massive tub of jelly. However it looked like Equestria was not quite done with trolling Cameron since he saw yet another wormhole beneath him. WHY THE HELL DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN?
He fell through the portal once again and immediately felt the hooves and wings he had come accustomed to. However the brief moment of joy at the reacquisition of this appendages was short lived when he realised that he had created a small crater in the ground. He pushed himself up from the ground and swore. “Celestia damn it all, why does this happen to me?”
A voice to his side chimed in, sounding rather royal. “You ask that question as if I would know”. At the sound of the voice Cameron's eyes became as wide as dinner plates on steroids. He slowly turned his head to see two immortal alicorns standing by a throne.
“Um.... Sup?” Cameron replied hoping that this was just a hallucination caused by something he ate, and that he hadn't just made a rather impossible entrance to the royal throne room, he also realised that he felt fine, if not a little beaten up. He looked over at the Alicorn standing next to Celestia, who he assumed was Princess Luna. “You must be Luna, my friend who wound up in your bedroom and became your personal lackey for dream creeping says to go die in a hole.... And also to stop going into his dreams when he’s off duty, he says showing up in one dream and making it.... Interesting was bad enough, but 5 times is considered stalking. And technically rape.”
The princess looked at him straight in the eyes and replied with something that chilled Cameron to his very bones. “We are sorry. After the first four times he seemed to start enjoying it. And tell him he still has 10.37 hours left in his service.”
Celestia heard all of this and looked back and forth between the scene laid out before her. Whether she was speaking to Cameron Or Luna was a mystery, but she asked an important question. “Do I really want to know what you two are talking about?”.
Both turned their heads and in unison said “No”. Cameron sat back on his haunches and started to speak again. “Look, I am having a seriously annoying day and honestly I don’t see how it could get much worse.” He began to rub his temples with his hooves and then he smelt something burning. He saw a scroll appear in a gout of green flame. This fell to the ground, and then in another burst of flame he saw two pictures tag along with it, one of himself and one of Alex.
Wait a minute... A message to the princess and pictures of me and Alex... Cameron realised that this specific combination of things meant only one thing, Twilight had stabbed him in the back and had decided to tell Celestia about him and Alex. Twilight, you are SO dead when I get back to Ponyville . He quickly dove for the scroll did the only thing he could have done in the situation. He ate the scroll.
Chapter 13: A Cliffhanger With a Side of Foal Sitting
Alex had dragged himself back to the house (he had eventually gotten the cupcake after hunting down Pinkie) and braced himself for taking care of the two foals, he figured that it couldn't be much harder than dealing with two children, right? He had been left a list of things that he needed to take care of for the foals, and from what he saw on there it wasn’t much different from human baby needs.
Along with it was a second note that he assumed Pinkie wrote, since it was done in a pink ink and was a different writing style than the original note, the weird thing about it was that it said: “In case of tears, pour flour on your head”. Honestly at this point he didn't even bother attempting to understand what that meant, or if Pinkie was just attempting to troll him. The thing that perplexed him most though was how to earth ponies could have both a unicorn and a Pegasus for children, because that made absolutely no genetic sense at all. Then again, he just got a note from a pink hyperactive talking equine that asked him to pour flour on his head, so that seemed rather normal at the moment.
He trotted up to where the two were asleep, and was glad that he only really needed to do something if they woke up so he just started to keep himself busy. He went on like this for maybe an hour or two, and then checked the clock.Huh, they said they would be back about midnight, and its only 10:30, so there is not all that much left for me to wait for. Might as well check on the foals again .
An hour later, he regretted that decision, if that wasn't already apparent by the explosion.
“Wow. I regret that decision” Alex thought out loud. Luckily, nobody had died save a couple rats. Apparently, Equestrian explosions are quite selective. The explosion was the least of Alex’s worries, though. The entirety of Sugar cube Corner looked as if a tornado had swept up the magma from an exploding volcano. There was furniture strewn everywhere, the remains of what used to be various pies, cakes and cobblers were splattered all over the walls, frosting was strewn everywhere.
His thoughts were interrupted as he was hit in the face by a bag of flour being thrown around by Pumpkin Cake with the unstoppable force of a Tyrannosaurus Rex with those plastic claw-arm things you can buy at toy stores.
Then everything just... stopped. Both Pound and Pumpkin stood in the one clean spot in the whole of Sugar cube Corner, aghast at the sight before them. A couple seconds later, they began laughing in that particular cute baby way. The subject of their ridicule was none other than Alex, who was now covered from hoof to mane in flour.
So that’s what Pinkie meant. The cakes love flour, apparently. Weird, if you ask me. Then again, less work for me. “So... You like flour, huh? How about this?” Alex then picked up a bag of flour with his magic and dangled it in front of them. The Cake twins’ eyes followed the bag, enthralled by it’s contents. The bag levitated up the stairs, and the baby cakes hypnotically followed it step by step. They followed the bag all the way into their bedroom, and into their cradles.
“Now, for the Piece De Resistance.” Alex quickly ran over to the cupboard and pulled out two small bags of flour that were next to this strange blue liquid and placed them next to the Cakes.
Caution: What happened next will make anyone with heat conditions, prone to overreaction to cute or adorable things or the elderly will have a heart attack from the sheer adorableness of the situation. You have been warned.
The cake twins wrapped their forehooves around their respective flour bags and began to snuggle with them, sucking their hooves in perfect symmetry with each other. Because Alex had a heart working at 1/2 capacity, his heart exploded a bit, sending him onto yet another coma.
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Chapters 14-15: Clever Title Regarding Gala Goes Here
Chapter 14: In Which Cameron Uses Paradoxes
After the incidents regarding the scroll appearing along with the pictures, Cameron was sent off to the dungeons to think about what he had done. At this time he came to realize that he essentially had just eaten Spike’s burp, which was a bizarre concept in and of itself. Well, this is quite the pickle i’m in. He stood in the cell, looking around for something to do in the meantime, then he noticed something carved into the walls. “Alex was here and Cameron is a buttface.”
He stared at this for a few seconds.Alex you... Cameron took several deep breaths, calming himself from all the unprecedented rage he was feeling. If this anger were to have been a physical thing it would have been a small sun, radiating so much heat that it could fry an egg at a hundred paces, along with the shell, the pan, and the pony who decided to use a sun to cook an egg.
“Aww, don’t get your adorable little panties in a twist Cam, you can always frame him for a triple rape homicide and drug possession, like the last time you needed-” Sadly, Brian was cut short by the opening of his cell, so it is quite likely that we would never know what exactly made Cameron frame Alex for such a ridiculous crime set, or how for that matter.
A white unicorn clad in golden armor beckoned Cameron to follow him. He led him out of the cell and into the interrogation room. Finally, something to do. Hey Brian, what would you say if I let you out to play for a little while?
He had officially gotten the attention of his other half, now peaked by this new development. “And why, pray tell, would you let me talk to these clearly wonderful colts and fillies knowing full well that they may go insane from the very concept of dealing with me?”
Simple, dear colleague of mine, because Alex said that these guys suck and because I am bored as all hell. Also, I am curious as to how you handle this kind of situation and if it is possible for you to make somepony go insane.
“I accept this challenge, however I would like to point out that I am not in any way liable for any damages that were caused by me, since I am technically you but just a fragment of your personality.”
Well, its either talk to them for hours on end and essentially tell them that I am an alien being from an alternate reality that came here by accident, and that I ate the scroll because it contained information relevant to me and the OTHER alien that tagged along with me for the ride who is a slave-minion to princess Luna. Oh and also I wonder what will happen if you were to crack.
“Fair enough, now. Lets get this party started.”
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About an hour later a guard, looking rather disheveled burst into the throne room, a wild look in his eyes. He shuddered a bit before finally opening his mouth to talk to Celestia. “Princess, I believe we have encountered a bit of a situation in the interrogation room regarding the Pegasus who ate the scroll. At this current time he has.... Disabled several of our top interrogators and has yet to stop.”
Celestia looked at the guard, curious as to what exactly he meant. “How exactly is a pegasus able to knock several of my top guards unconscious, and escape confinement?”
The guard swallowed, “Well.... He actually has yet to lay a hoof on any of the guards... And he is still in the interrogation room and has yet to leave it”
Celestia processed this for a moment before speaking again. “You mean to tell me that he is still in confinement, but is able to to subdue my elite without so much as a raise of his hoof?”
“No, he is actually just.... Well you see..... Gah, I give up! Princess Celestia, this situation has gone absolutely critical and your assistance is absolutely necessary if we are to continue this investigation.” The guard replied, knees quivering beneath him as he asked for the assistance of the immortal goddess.
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Celestia and the guard arrived at the interrogation chamber several minutes later, where several of the guards and interrogators were curled up in fetal positions and muttering several things to themselves. Celestia turned her attention to the interrogation room itself to observe a nervous looking guard and a smug looking grey pegasus sitting across from each other, the pegasus was still shackled to the ground and seemed content as could be.
The pegasus spoke up to the guard. “Now answer me this, will the answer to this question be no?” The guard looked at him, and was about to open his mouth before he closed it, his eyes going wide with shock and he placed his head in his hoofs and began shaking it back and forth slowly.
The guard who had brought the princess into the chamber turned began to explain their situation. “He started doing this when he arrived, he's been giving us impossible questions and has driven all of the guards insane thus far. We have tried our best to combat this but the only way he will talk with us is a question for a question and he choses to go first, the only thing we have been able to get from him is the answer to our first question.”
Celestia turned to the guard. “And that question was?”
The guard inhaled and exhaled before answering. “Do you know why you were brought in here. To which his answer was yes. Were not sure how but it seems that we can’t find any record of him before about a month ago, and we learned that his name is Shadow Feather.”
Celestia surveyed the rather minute battle ground before her, several of her best had been beaten by a rather ordinary Pegasus and he could not be held accountable for what he did since he had only spoken. She had come to realize that this was a formidable foe indeed, if he was able to do something like this in such a short amount of time. She also felt sorry for the unicorn guard who was crying in the corner and muttering something about chess games who had created a puddle of tears as large as Celestia herself.
Celestia sighed, and then made a decision she was not sure if she would regret in the next few minutes. “Guard?”
The guard looked up at celestia and waited to hear what she had to say. “Yes, Princess?”
“Release the prisoner and have him brought back to the throne room, I wish to talk to him. Also call the medical team, I fear for the ponies here that he has effected. I also want you to inform Luna about this since she has some connection to the freind of this pegasus.”
“Right away, princess. However, are you sure it is wise to let this... Madcolt out of the shackles? He has shown himself to be dangerous.” The guard warned.
“Yes I am sure.” Replied the princess, confident that he would cause less chaos if he were allowed freedom.
“If that is what you think is best then I have no objections.” The guard sighed, then used magic to project his voice into the chamber. “Release the prisoner into the custody of the princess, and get some towels. Theres a lot of tears to clean up here. And you know how alicorns love tears.”
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As Cameron cracked his neck side to side, he made a mental note to complain about the shackles in the dungeon. Those things seriously chafed his skin. He had taken over his body again after the incident and was actually rather impressed by Brian’s knowledge of paradoxes and trick questions. He followed the immortal Alicorn princess back to the throne room, which had already been fully repaired after his crash landing in there and Luna was nowhere to be found. “Alright Celestia, i’m assuming that you want to talk with me about something?”
“Yes, and I will say it has been some time since there has been someone that has been able to outwit my interrogators. I am curious though, where exactly did you learn to deal with ponies like that?” Inquired the princess.
“I learned how to do that with a series of tubes, a web, a large number, a rodent, a board for opening locks and a lot of free time.” He replied, holding a straight face at the rather rudimentary explanation of the internet to someone that had never had it.
Celestia simply stared at him for several moments before continuing on with the conversation. “Well, since you don’t seem inclined to talk about why you devoured the scroll, and I have yet to find somepony that can match you, what would you say to a deal.”
Oh crap... If this is anything like what happened to Alex, i’m not sure I want to make a deal. He pondered for a moment. “Alright, but it depends on the deal that you want to make. I really am not in the mood to give up any of my secrets, however I have nothing better to do so I might as well. I'll pretty much do anything short of hard labor or dancing.”
Celestia gave a smile that scared Cameron like nothing else had before, and for a brief moment he saw Celestia's eyes shrink and he swore she began to drool, however a split second after this began, she shook her head and sighed. “Sorry, thought about something else you could do for me for a second there. Anyway since you have sent my royal coordinator to the asylum for a while I would like to ask for your assistance in a matter.”
“Dude, an immortal goddess is asking you to help her with something. Do you think you’re going to get smited by a stray lightning bolt if you refuse? If you do I call dibs on your body.” Chimed in Brian, who had been silent in regards to meeting the princess until now.
We would both be dead, and I don’t think I have a choice either way. He sighed. “Alright, what do you need me to do?”
“I need you and your strangely vast intellect to organise the Grand Galloping Gala, the gathering of the Canterlot elite that will take place a few weeks from now. The former coordinator had yet to get around to it. I usually have a unicorn take care of this but you seem up to the task.”
“So all I have to do is organize... A party? For the snobby and upper class?” Wow, this is going to be a cakewalk!
“Essentially, however you will have to contact several groups and also have to plan the food, entertainment, and decoration of the event as well. The last Gala that was held went a little... Sideways to say the least and ended up a bit strange. You will also need to write the invitations to the event.”
Cameron thought for a second. “Sounds easy enough, how many ponies are coming?”
Celestia pondered this for a second. “Somewhere around five hundred, give or take. And feel free to invite anypony else since you are going to be doing all that hard work” She stood there as she watched Cameron cringe then proceed to topple over, mimicking clutching his heart with his hoof, which was rather hard to do since he lacked opposable thumbs.
Chapter 15: About Five Dozen Eggs
Alex was forced into yet another coma drift, after the cake twins had been put to bed. Pinkie had gotten there before the other cakes had and did Alex the favor of cleaning up the mess that the store/house had become, she had also assumed that Alex had fallen asleep and put him on a couch and tucked him in, like he was some sort of overgrown baby. This was later a topic of discussion and humiliation between Cameron and Alex.
He wandered around Ponyville, looking for Cameron to wake him up. He was terrified at the concept of Cameron waking him up but everypony else would have assumed that he had just been a dream were he to show up. However, he was saved from another testicular assault when he bumped into a rather interesting dreamwalker, much like himself. Princess Luna in the... Wait, is it technically flesh? Or would it be ethereal mist-form? Eh, who gives a damn.
“Luna? What are you doing here?” He inquired, curious as to her sudden appearance. He was also afraid that this was going to be a repeat of the rather awkward (technically) rape dreams that she had been arriving in more and more frequently as of late.
“Simple, we release you early from your servitude and all you have to do is attend a party in Canterlot. It is for the elite but we think that your appearance would make it rather... Interesting to say the least.”
Ohmygoshomygoshomygoshomygosh EEEEEYYYYUUUUUSSSS I CAN GET OUT OF THIS DAMNED PUNISHMENT EARLY! Alex took a moment to compose himself. He took a quick cough to clear his throat. This was not exactly necessary since he was a ghost of sorts “Why I think that is a lovely idea. However at the current time I don’t think I can attend.”
“Don’t worry, we have.” She snickered to herself for a moment. “Especially when you are asleep”.
Alex processed the implications of what exactly she had said. “Okay, now that is just to far Luna. Anyways, can you please come and pick me up? I can’t really do much until I get snapped out of my coma. And do you think you could also NOT tell anyone we had this conversation? I would rather not deal with the fallout from it.” And with that Alex retreated back to his body, which at this point had rolled over onto the floor and was drooling.
Less than 10 minutes later Luna walked into the room with Pinkie Pie bouncing along beside her. How Pinkie could even have this much energy at this hour was a mystery, then it occurred that Alex had never actually seen Pinkie sleeping, and had never dream creeped on her. This revelation made Alex wonder if Pinkie was actually a robot that ran on sugar and parties.
Luna walked over to Alex body, then proceeded to pick him up with magic and levitate him in front of her. She then proceeded to back hand (hoof?) Alex across the face. His consciousness and body now back together, Alex shook his head. “Thank you for that, but can’t you just bring me back with magic? That seems so much easier, and less painful for me for that matter.”
“Yes, we could have used magic.”
“So you just bitch smacked me because you are a over controlling maniac princess who likes to cause me physical pain?”
“Would you have rather been woken up the way you were before?”
“Point taken.” Alex turned his head towards Pinkie. “And thanks for the clean up. Oh, and please don’t tell the Cakes I ‘slept’ on the job.”
Pinkie shook her head. “Okie dokey! So long as you don’t go around breaking any Pinkie promises, okay?”.
Alex was somewhat concerned regarding this, but he decided that he might as well agree. “Fine by me, now Luna, I think we should head back to my house to discuss the details of our arrangement. Also, can we stop for a coffee someplace? I need caffeine if I am going to be doing anything related to dancing or if I get into a spontaneous eating competition.” He turned his head towards Pinkie. ‘Beat me once Pinkie, shame on me. Beat me twice and I will end you.”
And with that Alex was dragged off by the princess of the night into learning how to dance properly at a high class social gathering for snobby ponies. It’s a long story but he managed to burn down a small portion of Ponyville and wound up spending his time repairing the damage. And that is how Alex spent the next three weeks while Cameron slaved away with writing invitations to the Gala.
Chapter 16-18: Sock puppets, Pie and Fire
Foreword:
I know not what hell I have brought forth, but I know that it is going to be absolutely insane and will likely end in a cataclysm of epic proportions. May the celestial sisters have mercy on my pony loving soul. Also, be warned, these chaps contain several awkward sexual situations. Nothing that could be considered clop though.
Chapter 16: Lighting the fuse
Alex awoke to the sound of birds chirping, ponies going about their business outside and the smell of freedom. Today was the day he was going to be free from the tortures of Luna and dreamwalking. He took a deep breath. “Today is going to be the best day ever.”
“Why?”
“Because today is the day I don’t have to do my service anymore and I get to go to a party and why the hell are you in my bed Pinkie?” He realized, unmoving in his bed. Last night was a complete blur. He recalled getting some cider with Pinkie then nothing else. “No, seriously, why the hell are you in my bed?”
“I’ll give you a hint, its a four letter word.” Pinkie replied, with a snicker.
Oh Celestia, she raped me? How the hell did she even...
“The word is food. You promised me pancakes after a drunken bet that I couldn't drink more than you.” She said, a rather flat tone to her usually bubbly voice. “I like mine with chocolate chips and whip cream.”
Oh thank Celestia, I thought I just had forced sex with a party pony. “Well, thats good. Wait, I promised you pancakes?”
“Yeah, thats what you said.” Pinkie then proceeded to reach under the covers and produced her hooves again, this time covered in sock representations of Alex and herself. She began with mimicking Alex. “Pinkie, I feel lucky tonight, I bet you I can drink more cider than you can.” Pinkie lifted her other hoof and began using to mimic herself. As you can imagine Alex had to resist the urge to make a “playing with yourself” joke. “Okey Dokey! Whatcha wanna bet on, Crimson?”. She switched back to the sock Alex. “I’m going to make you pancakes and you can stay the night at my place if I lose. If I win you have to teach me your secrets.”
“Okay... Pinkie, I just have one question.”
“Yeah?”
“Two, actually. First of all, why the hell do you have sock puppets of us, and more importantly where the hell did they come from?”
Pinkie thought for a moment. “I make sock puppets of everypony I meet. And I have socks stored all over Ponyville for reenactments of important events.”
Alex decided this was a case of Pinkie being Pinkie, and decided that it was a terrible idea to question it. “Alrighty then, guess I should start on those pancakes.” He then proceeded to get out out of the bed and walked towards the door. “Chocolate chips, right?”
“Yeah, but Crimson?”
Crimson began to open the door with magic. “Yeah Pinkie?”
“You probably shouldn't open the-” Pinkies sugared breath was wasted, as he opened the door he was assaulted by a surface to pony missile made of scales and adorableness. The missile in question was named Gummy, and had evidently come with Pinkie for the impromptu sleepover at Alex’s. After this moment when Alex was face latched by an alligator, he gained a rather rational fear of them. “Door... Say hi to gummy.”
The resulting scream from Alex was mistaken for a siren going off and several ponies went into their “Celestia is out of cake” bunkers. After calming down and using a crowbar that, for some reason, Pinkie had on her (she claimed it was for reenacting a scene and as an answer to a question), they pried off the pet alligator.
Alex proceeded downstairs and made the delicious grain based product, now with small chips of chocolate mixed into them. He served the product to Pinkie, who was somewhat grateful for them but broke the laws of science by tilting the plate up and eating the entire stack (he had made 10 pancakes) and never even chewed. She just kind of... Inhaled them. He swore he heard bones breaking in her mouth when she opened them and began to wonder if she may in fact be part snake.
After Pinkie left Alex got ready for the Gala. He had gotten a suit from Rarity, after he told her he need one for a funeral (technically he was not lying, social gatherings were usually the death of him). He had gotten a standard black suit and tie, so he was nothing special. He was curious what exactly had happened to Cameron. He had disappeared a while ago without an explanation, so for now he assumed that Cameron was likely being used for something illegal or possibly was now hidden in Rarity's basement and was now a creepy love slave. For his sake, he prayed that Cameron was actually dead rather than in the basement.
He put on the suit and tie, getting a look at himself in the mirror he had set up. He looked damn fine in that pimptastic suit. He turned around and levitated a fedora onto his head, tying his whole ensemble together. He was ready to go to a party and be freed from this employed hell he was stuck in. He just needed to survive for the next 2 hours before the train arrived.
He survived the initial 2 hours without a hint of trouble (bet you thought he was going to get into shenanigans, didn’t you?). However his time at the train station was a bit more insane. He sat at the trainstation, with his tickets to the gala in his pocket. Thats when he saw Pinkie and her friends walking up. In Dresses. Oh Luna, protect me for I am ROYALLY screwed.
Pinkie walked up to Alex. “Let me guess, you’re going to the Gala?”. Alex shook his head, knowing exactly where this was going. “Yay! This means that this is going to be an even better gala than last time!”
“Well, this is certainly going to be different.” Then it clicked in his head who he was standing near. Oh crap... “Pinkie, I have a question.”
“Shoot.”
“On a scale of 1-10, how hard is Rarity glaring at me right now.”
“Silly Crimson, not even Twilight could possibly mathematically calculate that.”
“That.... Was not the answer I was expecting.” He turned around as he heard the sound of a ruler hitting a hoof repeatedly. “Oh I am so screwed...”
“You are wearing that hat.... With that suit?” She said, a hard edge in her voice that made Alex feel as though she was physically cutting into his ears. Possibly with knives or a peeler of some sort.
“I regret none of my decisions. Besides, I think it looks good.” He was prepared for being pummeled into a juicy pulp. However no such beating came and he was surprised. Then he opened his eyes and was bitch smacked across the face by a ruler. “Okay, I deserved that.”
The train arrived at the station and the conductor came out. “ALL ABOARD!” Alex sighed and began to board the train. Then Rarity coughed behind him.
“Good luck in Canterlot, I have a feeling you are going to get a bit more attention than you bargained for. I have a feeling you may even walk away with a date.” She said, giving him a wink that screamed “I know something you don’t, and it's going to screw you over later”.
Since when is she so chummy?
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Cameron awoke to the sound of Canterlot, which is essentially a louder version of Ponyville. He had gotten quarters in the castle since he was staying there organizing the gala and Celestia had not wanted him to leave and spoil the surprises he had in store for everypony. However today was the day the gala was being held and he was actually a little excited
Why do I feel so giddy? It’s a social gathering for the elite and snobby, and really anypony that has caught the public's attention. He recalled from writing the invites. I can’t believe that Alex is coming, and I am a bit afraid of what is going to happen if him and Pinkie start dancing. He shuddered as an image of Canterlot in flames burned behind a cackling Alex, while slow dance music played in the background.
“Pfft, like that could possibly... On second thought thats actually not an unlikely scenario, given his usual luck and finesse at things like this. Are you sure it was a good idea to write him that invitation? I honestly might begin to feel bad if we razed the city.” Replied Brian, who actually sounded like he gave a damn.
I think were... Mostly fine, so long as we can keep those two separated and NOT have Alex drink too much cider. I do have a contingency plan for if things go wrong and Alex begins to not feel sorry for party rocking.
“And that contingency plan is?”
Have the DJ use her gear to quite literally blast him out of Canterlot using pure, unrefined wubs. Not even joking, her poster mentioned that she had something called the bass cannon, so I hope for the sake of all Equestria that she was not bluffing on that.
“Am I the only one here who thinks that that solution may be a bit extreme? I mean, we're dealing with Alex here, not some mob boss who can kill off people if he thought that they were looking at him funny.” He reconsidered for a moment. “On second thought, this is not overdoing it. And he deserves every ounce of pain he gets. If he’s wearing my top hat again doubly so.”
Alright then, lets go talk to the princess. And so Cameron went bravely onwards to the throne room. He faced many dangers on this perilous journey, like a puddle of water and the fearsome wrath of Luna waking up early for the nights events.
He finally arrived at the chambers of Celestia, eager to tell her what he had planned for the event, however what he saw when he entered was a rather large cylinder being slowly lowered into the ground, with Celestia looking up with a smile on her face. He decided to ignore this since he wanted to get himself ready for the nights events. “Princess.”
Celestia turned her head towards Cameron. “Oh, hello there Shadow Feather. Do you like mmmm-bananas?” She said, the same grin from before persisting on her face.
“Yes princess, I do like bananas. Anyways i’m here to talk with you about the events for tonight. The decorations and buffet are set up already, but most of the entertainment still has yet to arrive. And I made sure to order extra pie and cake as per your request.” He said. “Furthermore I made sure to have the guards not be on duty. May I ask why you did not want them on duty tonight?”
She levitated a banana from a brown paper bag beside her and moved it over to Cameron, after peeling it for him. “Simple, last time was fun and I don’t want the guards ruining it and I think that they are entitled to a little bit of fun tonight themselves.” She took a bite from a banana she had already prepared for herself. “Besides, what fun is there in standing guard outside of a party?”
“None, I suppose. Anyway do you want to know about tonights specifics or should I just go and get ready?” He inquired, wondering if he would be standing there for an extra hour or if he could return to his room and get ready. He decided it would be a bit awkward if he didn’t eat the banana so he ate it with some speed.
Celestia tapped her hoof against her chin. “No, it should be a surprise.” She finished eating her own banana and motioned for Cameron to leave. “Now if you excuse me I have an important meeting about somepony or another complaining about their house being burnt down.”
Cameron shrugged and returned to him room to get ready for the night. He arrived at his room and looked over the ensemble he had created. All of its glorious pieces of being a simple hot pink tie that had the phrase “I’m just here for the cake” written vertically on it.
“I still can’t believe that that is what you are wearing...” Brian said, with a dash of disappointment in his voice. “You had a budget of over 200 bits and you only bought a tie. I mean, there were some awesome suits there! There was one that you could have worn to school and you would not have looked like an uptight prick! I never even thought that was possible to do in a suit.”
Yeah well, I planned this damn thing so I think I should be allowed to dress anyway I want. His nose began to itch. Oh that's weird, the last time my nose felt like this was when they forced Alex to sing in the school play...
“Wait, you can tell its the same kind of itch?” Brian asked.
Yeah, every time he sings it itches. It’s beyond bizarre. Even when he is singing in the shower it happens. He recalled memories of when he had used this power for evil, like when he had stayed in the school room and Alex had started singing in the bathroom.
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“I’m walking on sunshine, whoa oh. And it feels so good!” Alex sang. He only sang when he was alone and he made sure that no one was in the bathroom either. His phone rang and he picked it up, the ringtone of Capitan falcon saying “falcon punch” told him that it was Cameron. “What do you want?”
*Oh not much, just thought that you should know that everyone in the room could hear your singing through the air vent. Just thought I should let you know before you came back into a room full of snickering students. See you in a few.*
Alex closed the phone and stared into the mirror. Crap.
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In truth Cameron had just told a absolutely hilarious joke and the class was still recovering from it, but the blush on Alex’s face as he sat back down in his chair told Cameron that he was dead on with the singing part.
And from that day onwards Alex never sang at school again. I do wonder what he is singing about though.
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Meanwhile, on board the train heading towards Canterlot, Alex has come hoof to hoof with the mysterious magic of singing in Equestria. Think of it this way, its a infection that can only be cured via singing lyrics that mimic your personality or the instance. The effect of not singing is akin to having your vocal chords feel like they were being burnt. The particular instance was at the gala part two, which Alex had been roped into.
“At the gala, I will troll them, all those high class ponies.
I will show them, that i’m awesome, and I will mess with them all.
Their fury, it will fuel me, and I will become stronger.
In the end, I will win, and Canterlot will be on fire.
Tonight at the Gala!”
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Eh, he’s probably just singing under his breath on the train. The day he sings publicly is the day I stop trying to curb his madness.
Chapter 17: We Didn't Start The Fire
The train arrived at the station and Alex blinked for a moment. Why the hell did I just waste bits on a train ticket... I can just teleport here. He face hoofed at the realization of what he had just done. Well, to late now. Best to just teleport up to the castle and get this over with. He focused his magic and thought of the entrance to the castle, when he opened his eyes he was standing at the front gate, with two guards standing watch at the door. He handed them the tickets and proceeded onwards to the gala. “Lets see, now if I were a buffet where would I be?
This all consuming thought was interrupted by a tap on his shoulder, when he turned around he was faced with a rather annoyed looking Cameron. “Oh hey, do you know where the... Why are you here and where did you get that awesome tie?”
“To answer your first question, lets just say I reenacted your introduction to equestria but I wound up in the throne room and I caused a small crater. I was conscripted into organizing the damn thing. When I saw your name on the list of ponies I had to write invitations to I had a heart attack. Not even joking. Did you know they just hit you with a bolt of lightning here instead of using a defib? IT. HURTS.” He paused for a moment. “And to answer your second question, a store somewhere in Canterlot.”
“Of course you wouldn't answer my question the way I wanted you to.” He tried to recall his thoughts from earlier. “So, you planned this thing? So you would know where the buffet is! Ha ha! Victory is mine!” He exclaimed.
Cameron sighed. “In the left in the back of the room. And please for the love of Celestia don’t eat all of the cake. If we run out of cake there's a good chance we will wind up in a bunker 20 feet beneath the earth.”
Alex proceeded onward towards the buffet, but was stopped by a unicorn mare with blue pastel mane. “Oh hello there.” She said, almost as if she had bumped into him rather than the other way around. She continued to look up at the top of his head. “That's quite a nice... Hat you have there.” She licked her lips a little. “Wanna dance?”
Alex was forced into thinking for a moment. Oh god, is this what fear feels like? “Uh, thanks for the compliment but I think i’m just going to be antisocial in the corner and eat cake. Lots and lots of cake.” He proceeded to walk away from the mare and felt terrified. Please don’t let this be my night.
There were several more similar instances to this over the course of the next couple of hours, after a while Rarity came up to Alex. “How is your night going, Crimson?” She said, a small smile on her face.
“Mostly fine. Except for the fact that I think I’ve been hit on about 6 times in the last 2 hours. It’s kind of weird and awkward to be on the receiving end of that. You got any idea why Rarity?”
“Oh thats a simple enough answer Crimson, you have a larger than average horn.”
At the mention of this, Alex spit out the cider he had been drinking. “I’m sorry, did you just say I have been hit on because my horn is bigger?”
“Well, yes if you want to put it into that sort of phrasing.”
Alex had then had to deal with something that he had only ever seen happen in animes, he had a nosebleed there and then and a fantasized look on his face. He began to have unintelligible mutterings before he snapped back to reality. He cleared his throat. “Thank you, Rarity for this clarifying information regarding my current situation.” He used his magic to levitate a plate with some cake on it. “Here, as a token of my thanks.” She took the plate with her own magic. “Now excuse me while I go and hide in the colts room until this is over.” He began to slowly walk towards the restroom when he bumped into a white stallion with wavy blond hair who was arguing with a gray unicorn with a purple and blue mane.
“Excuse me, aren't you going to say you're sorry?” The stallion proclaimed, a snooty upper class accent accompanying his words.
Alex was prepared for dealing with this kind of pony in Canterlot, and now was a good a time as ever to keep to what he said he would do in his impromptu song earlier on the train. “Sorry, I don’t speak snooty upper class, good sir. Can you please get off of using your status for personal gain and act like a normal person, other wise i don't think I can talk with you normally.” If there was ever a time for him to have a trollface on, now would be the time.
The stallion spoke up again. “Excuse me, I have quite the bit of status. I am prince Blueblood! And how dare you speak like that to me!”
“To be brutally honest, I have never heard of you. Nor do I really care about who you are, or what your status in the world is. I could care less about if you are a royal or just a normal pony on the street”.
Alex had just about enough of Blueblood’s snobbiness for one night and was ready to leave him to his devices. Blueblood spoke again. “It’s not like a unicorn of your color could ever be high up in the elite of Canterlot. That coat color belongs to peasants.”
Alex’s eye twitched. “Well, at least its easier to hide a stan when I get one. LETS SEE HOW YOU LIKE BLUEBERRIES, BLUEBLOOD”. He yelled as he took a pie with telekinesis from a pegasus that looked surprisingly like Cameron. He aimed the pie at Blueblood and threw with all of his might at the high class snob who he had come to absolutely hate.
The Pegasus yelled as he saw his pie transform from a delicious confection into an airborne weapon of mass consumption. “My pie!” The pie sailed towards it target, less than a foot from the white coated unicorns face it was stopped by his magic.
“That was terrifyingly close.” He said, wiping sweat from his forehead with a handkerchief.
The gray unicorn with a purple and blue mane who Alex had seen arguing with blueblood earlier ran up and dived to the side, using his hoof to drive the pie all the way home into Bluebloods visage. “Not close enough, Bluebitch!” The resulting pie to face smack knocked the high class pony unconscious.
Alex stood on his back hooves and used his magic to project his voice further than normal. “PIE FIGHT!”
And thus started one of the messiest wars in Canterlot history, latter dubbed as the great confectionary war at the gala. Epic songs and poems about the heroics of the brave souls who snackrificed themselves for many more, using their bodies as shields.
This carried on for several minutes until a stray pie found its mark on one of alicorns, the thrower of which was our dearly beloved Alex, who by this point had gained the nickname of “The crusted reaper”. The Alicorn in question was none other than the Princess of the night, Luna.
Chapter 18: In Which Alex Fights Princess Luna (AKA Canterlot in Fire And Flames)
Luna stood there, an unamused look on her face as the pie slowly dripped off of her muzzle. She turned her head towards Alex, who had covered his face with his hoof. “Art thou freaking kidding us?” If it were not for her learning patience when she was stuck on the moon for a thousand years, she likely would have turned Alex into a pile of fine red dust and/or mist. “We are changing the terms in which you have an early release.”
Alex groaned. “Oh come on, I start one little pie fight at the grand galloping gala which YOU invited me to, and you take back what we agreed to? I hardly think that this is fair.”
“We never said that we would not let you out early from your servitude, we simply want to change what it takes to get out early. It is going to be a fight between us.” She said, a small smirk on her face. “If we win you have to start all over again, however if you win you get out early and we owe you a favor.”
Alex pondered this for a moment. “The terms seem fair enough, but this seems really one sided, its a below average unicorn versus an immortal goddess who moves the freaking moon without even trying.”
“We know, thats why we are letting you decide the field in which the challenge shall take place, as well as what type of battle it is. If it is something challenge based thou must let us become acquainted with it.” She replied, rather calm and seeming quite confident in her abilities.
Alex thought for a moment. Okay, so I'm not good enough to take her down in combat, so it should be something that i’m amazing at. He thought for a moment about what exactly he could do with his magic, the best things he was good at was teleportation and telekinesis, and he had modeled the way he manipulated things off of hands (hey, lets see you try and do something you have never done before without hands). Then he was struck by a mix of madness and brilliance at once.
“Luna, I have a question. I've heard you're good at videogames, is that correct?” He inquired, modeling his question he had heard off of some of the rumors he had heard around town. He knew that they were mostly played by unicorns and the odd pegasus who were good enough at manipulating their wings. For some unknown reason the controllers were essentially the same in equestria as they were on earth.
“Yes, we are rather adept at playing video games, what of it?” She said, a bit of wonder regarding the somewhat odd question.
“Alright, now a question for Twilight.” He turned his head towards her. “On a hypothetical level, do you think you could create an interdimensional wormhole? I know where I need to go, but it’s just sort of... Not in this dimension.”
Cameron sat at a table and face hoofed. I can easily see where this is going, but this is beyond ridiculous. If she could have opened a portal back home so long ago then why the hell has Alex not worked with her on it?
“I think I can, but i’m going to need your assistance and a little bit of your power.” She replied.
Cameron slammed his face against the table. You have got to be kidding me... “I feel like I should stop this here but I’m just not going to even try.” He added, only tilting his head as to not muffle his words. “Lets just get this over with.”
Alex walked over to Twilight and he provided her with the memories of his room, and then proceeded to use a variation of the teleport spell that created a wormhole. Alex turned towards the princess. “Hang on, I need to grab a few things. Then we can start.” He dashed into the wormhole.
Alex arrived on the other side, and quickly oriented himself to being bipedal again. Okay, that is a bit bizarre. He quickly grabbed the materials he needed, along with a few extra batteries as well. He jumped through the portal again and landed flat on his face from the sudden change of body. The Xbox and guitars slid across the floor in front of him, and the batteries followed in their wake. “Ow. That kind of hurt.
Alex got up and rubbed his head. “Alright Luna, I have decided on the field of battle. We shall play Guitar Hero, a video game I have quite a bit of experience with.”
Cameron looked up from his seat. Wow, he might actually win. This is actually becoming interesting. And here I thought Blueblood getting knocked unconscious during the pie fight was going to be tonight’s highlight.
Alex walked over and began to set up the xbox, he used Vinyl’s speakers for the sound and used a projector for the images and was put up on a giant canvas screen. With the gear set up he got ready for what was going to come. “The game is simple, Luna. You hit the keys on the guitar in time with what is up on screen. Ignore the creatures up there as well. They are just kind of there...
“Lets start with something simple, like Heartbreaker by Pat Benatar, on normal difficulty, after that then we can get to the actual challenge.” He said with a all knowing smirk on his face. If she wins that I will eat my own hoof. The screen started up, and he selected the first part of the challenge, as to warm up since he had not played in over a month and to gear Luna up for what was to come.
He played through the song. At the beginning he stumbled a bit but he quickly gained a hold on his skills and went perfectly through the rest of it. The end score for Alex was 95% on it and Luna scored a 97%. Pretty good for a beginner, now lets get through this. They were using magic for pressing the buttons through it and to make the best out of the situation he stood on his back hooves. He had stopped questioning how he was able to physically able to hold the guitar and chalked it up to a little mental folder he had labeled “equestrian madness”, so far it was mostly just filled Pinkie Pie’s shenanigans and Pegasus related stuff.
“Well, lets get this started.” He scrolled through the selection, picking what he had deemed to be his final battle against Luna. He finally selected the song he had chosen for the fight.
Cameron bolted up when he saw what Alex had picked. “Al... Crimson, you madpony! There is no way that you could ever win! This is madness!”
Alex turned towards Cameron, readying himself for a reply. “Madness? This isn't madness. This is Through the Fire and Flames on the hardest difficulty!” He turned around and faced Luna as the song started up, with the biggest grin you could have ever imagined on his face. The song began and he put all of his focus into using his magic to keep time with the buttons. The best he had ever done with the song was a 75% on it, but now without the limitation of his jointed fingers he could do a little better. The song played on and he begin to feel magical strain on his horn straight off the bat and he began to sweat a little from the adrenaline. The sound of the bass behind him made him slide forward a little Luna had started to use her wings along with her magic to manipulate the guitar. Despite the immense power she held this was something new to her and the strain was showing clearly on her face.
“ On a cold winter morning, in the time before the light
In flames of death's eternal reign we ride towards the fight
When the darkness has fallen down, and the times are tough all right
The sound of evil laughter falls around the world tonight
The pause in the song gave Alex time to examine his opponent. Luna was really showing signs of exhaustion as her wings began to droop and she began to sweat from the magical exertion. He was beginning to tire as well, but he knew she wouldn’t last that long.
“ Fighting hard fighting on for the steel through the wastelands evermore
The scattered souls will feel the hay bodies wasted on the shores
On the blackest plains in hell's domain we watch them as they go
In fire and pain now once again we know
Now the strain was really getting to both of them. They had to focus intently as the crowd silenced, eyes fixated on the screen as the points counted upwards.
“ So far away we wait for the day
For the light source so wasted and gone
We feel the pain of a lifetime lost in a thousand days
Through the fire and the flames we carry on”
Here it is. The solos. This’ll break her. Sure enough, as Alex began to stumble through the solo, barely able to stand from using so much mana, Luna fell to the floor, exhausted from her magical exertion. The solos still played in the background, and Alex continued playing. “Do you admit defeat, oh almighty Luna, goddess of the night?” said Alex inbetween weighty huffs of air as he continued to play on.
“Yes. We concede to your ridiculous competition, Crimson Flame. We have no idea how anypony could possibly make it through that much without fainting.” She took a few breaths. “What are you?”
“A gamer, dear Luna. And it’s called Guitar Hero.” Replied Alex as he stood triumphantly over a panting, exhausted Luna. “And never, NEVER let me pick the challenge. Now if you excuse me I’m going home and will be sleeping without having to do work. Oh, and i’m keeping the dreamwalker powers you lent me. I feel like messing with ponies for a while.” He turned his head towards the screen. It displayed 99%. And that is the story of how a gamer beat a goddess on a battlefield of fire and flames.
Alex trotted over to the materials he had brought along with him and had Twilight open the wormhole back to Earth, and unceremoniously tossed his equipment back into it. The portal closed as he walked away from it. He had made sure to grab one other thing before leaving the first time and now was the time to use it, he pulled a pair of aviators from seemingly out of nowhere and threw them up into the air. They unfolded mid fight and landed squarely on his snout, the (disappointingly) small implosion of the portal behind him made it seem more badass than anything he had ever done.
He wrapped his forehoof around the neck of Cameron. “Now, lets get some sleep. I need a rest and I think that there is dust covering just about everything in your room. Also, I might have purposefully sneezed on something in there so good luck figuring out what I sneezed on.” He smiled. “Onwards noble steed!” And proceeded to teleport himself and Cameron back to the house.
The twosome arrived back at their humble abode. Cameron spoke up first. “Okay, did you seriously just do that? And we had a way back home and you just had it closed. Why would you even...”
Cameron thought for a moment. “Alright, I see your point. Now lets get some sleep. I really don’t want to have to deal with the chaos that was started back there so lets just take care of that later.” He began walking up the stairs to his room. “Oh, and you owe me pancakes since you never bothered to look for me when I disappeared.”
Alex face hoofed. “Why the hell am I always forced into making pancakes? Just for once I want to make waffles for retribution. Is that too much to ask?”
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Chapter 19-20: Magic Gives You Wings (And a craving for chocolate)
Chapter 19: In which Crimson Flame becomes an Alicorn
Alex’s morning was not a fun one, especially since Cameron had learned to manipulate the weather rather well in recent days and had been having fun with rainclouds. The only thing comparable to how wet he had been the last few days is what happens when Ryan Gosling walks into a room filled with girls (yeah, I went there. What you gonna do about it?) He rolled out of bed. Well, at least showering won’t be a problem this morning . “Why the hell did you move a raincloud into the house? You know you’re going to have to clean this up, right?”
Cameron rolled his eyes. “I know, but I am bored and I feel like making you suffer a little bit for everything you have done recently.” He put his hoof to his chin for a second. “And also Brian threatened to make whooping noises until I did it, and considering he can’t get tired that was pretty much a one way ticket to the asylum. Trust me, being insane is fun and all but I don’t want to have the crap beaten out of my by the equestrian equivalent to batman.”
“Fair enough. So, what are you going to do today? You get paid pretty much every day because of Brian and his reinvention of the taco, so what do you even do? I have a job that sucks up most of my time, whereas you just sort of sit there.”
Cameron blushed. “I don’t do anything that you would find interesting. And definitely not anything related to movement.” He paused for a second, then proceeded to face hoof. “Why the hell did I just give you a hint?”
“Holy crap, you actually doing something physical other than running away from awkward situations?” Alex inquired. Cameron looked around, attempting to find a way out of this. Alex smiled and then used his magic to shut the windows and the doors. “You are going to tell me exactly what the hell you do, or else I frame you for arson.”
Cameron sighed. “Fine, I’ll tell you.” He stood there poking the floorboards with his hoof. “I’ve taken up interpretive dance.”
Alex snickered for a moment, then broke into an all out laugh. After a minute he calmed down. “You? Dance? As a pony? Dude, that's freaking hilarious. I can’t wait to tell Rar-” He was cut short by Cameron jamming his hoof into Alex’s mouth.
“So help me if you say a single word of this, I will tell Pinkie you are in love with her. Then I will set up an elaborate trap that locks you two in a single room with nothing but a candle and a box of chocolate.” He paused for a moment. “And I will make sure you can’t teleport out of there.”
Alex stepped away so that Cameron's hoof fell out of his mouth. It was clear that he was not messing around this time. Suddenly, I have this overwhelming sense of fear. “Fine by me, if it does come to that, can you put rat poison in the chocolate? I want to die on a chocolate filled stomach and get away from dealing with Pinkie. I think she stalks me from time to time.”
Alex blinked for a moment. “When the hell did I say that?”
Cameron thought for a moment, recalling exactly what had happened. “You had a bit too much cider and he started acting all... Well, not yourself. You kind of just went around from girl to girl doing that. It was actually quite embarrassing to watch, and I was ashamed to know you.” Cameron sighed and then resumed his short story. “Evidently she took you seriously.”
Alex paced back and forth around the room, a blank look on his face. After a moment he turned towards Cameron and began to twitch his left eye, followed by convulsions and foaming at the mouth. He was promptly smacked across the face so he was brought back to his senses. “This is bad on so many levels, not even the konami code would give me a chance.”
“Yeah, well its not my problem. Anyway, when you are heading back from work today can you pick up a book from the library? It’s called exploiting idiotic unicorns for profit and lulz. It just got back from the last guy who had it and i’ve been waiting forever for it. I will wake you with lightning tomorrow if you say no.”
“Fine, I’ll do it. Being struck by lightning once is enough for one lifetime.” Alex replied, recalling an unfortunate experience back home regarding the subject. He opened the door, throwing on his saddlebags. “I’m off, don’t burn the house down while I’m away.”
Cameron waved his hoof. “No promises, Al.”
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Alex walked out of the boutique, having just gotten done with his shift at the boutique and was on his way back to the house (or as he called it, the anti Rarity fortress of awesome) when he realized that he still needed to grab something. He sighed and then scowled. Why the hell do I have to pick up Camerons books for him? It’s not like he has anything better to do. He started walking onwards to the library. Well, at least the walking is good for me.
After his short, brisk walk Alex arrived at the humble little library that was staffed by Twilight and Spike, who Alex was not exactly on the best terms with as of right now. The reason for the gap between them was over Rarity, who Spike had a crush on and was jealous of Alex being her personal assistant. Alex was fully aware that Spike was just being petty about this whole thing, hell he would probably pay Spike to date her since Alex almost always had to hear her complain about her love life.
It was an almost constant problem with her, and Alex had once accidentally stumbled unto a shrine she had built that had pictures of all the ponies she had fantasized about. As one could imagine Alex had a few nightmares after seeing who exactly was on there, namely because there were several pictures of Cameron up there. He shuddered recalling this memory. Yeah, best not to think about that.
He arrived at the library to find it surprisingly noisy inside, which was beyond bizarre since as far as Alex was concerned, the only pony that Alex knew read anything from there was Cameron. With this in mind he went into the library preparing for whatever came along. He stood in front of the entrance to the library, feeling somewhat hesitant. Why am I so nervous? I’m just getting a book for Cameron, what could possibly go wrong with this?
He slowly opened up the door, when he saw the three figures in the library he felt his jaw drop. Oh sweet... “Celestia? Why are you here at this hour?” He was amazed, Twilight and Spike being here, that made sense. But Celestia? He knew that Twilight was her apprentice but that was bizarre that she would be here without her repertoire of guards.
The Princess of the day turned towards Alex, looking him over for a moment. “You’re the one that defeated Luna, correct?”
Alex blinked for a moment. “Uh, yeah. Sorry, had to do that to win my freedom from her and to keep my honor intact. Also, she is seriously annoying in the dream world. Don’t banish me to the moon, please.”
“I won’t, and I’m here to see something that Twilight has been working on for a while for myself. Twilight, would you mind if he stayed? I’m sure he had his own reasons for being here.” Celestia asked inquiringly.
Alex looked forward. “Anyway, i’m here to pick up a book for Shadow. By the way, what is it your showing her?”
Twilight turned towards Alex. “You remember the ‘incident’ regarding Shadow and Brian? Its related to that.”
Alex stared at her, a cold hard look in his eyes. “We agreed to NEVER talk about that, and if you talk about me and Shadow and our ‘situation’. I will find you, and I will kill you.”
Twilight rolled her eyes. “Don’t worry, its not that. The whole series of events made me wonder about items being able to swap positions in space. As you know, it’s hard enough to teleport from one place to another, and even harder to teleport something else. I made a spell that swaps positions between two spots without using a lot of energy, but sadly there is a sort of magic cooldown on the object that makes it almost impossible to move again.”
Alex looked. “Cool, it seems like something useful to me. I can’t wait to see how it turns out. So, what are you making switch positions?”
Twilight beamed confidently. “I’m going to work up slowly, first start with two inorganic things. Those books over there, then I’ll try apples, which are an organic matter but lack sentience. Then i’m doing Celestia and myself.”
“Cool. Hey Twilight, can I have the book first in case you turn into a pile of ash from an freak accident with this spell?”
Twilight scowled at Alex. “I’m not going to turn into a pile of ash, and heres the book.” She grabbed the book with her magic and flung it at Alex full force. He managed to catch it mid air because he had to deal with this constantly from Rarity, although she usually flung scissors or sewing needles at him. He had come to accept this as a sort of magic training that he was sure would one day come in handy. That and he was tired of putting on bandages after work every day.
“Yeah yeah. Lets just get this started with.” Twilight walked over to the starting position, with the two pedestals that had the books laying on them. She took up a stance and readied herself. Something clicked in Alex’s head. Wait, were on one side of the pedestals and she’s on the other. Her magic charged up more and she began to focus. Oh man, the only thing standing between us and one of the most powerful unicorns ever is a freaking book! He began to take a step back, realizing the danger he was in. Why in the name of everything adorable must I have this luck?
Twilight finished preparing her magic.. “Alright let me just focus on the books and-” As was the norm with Twilights demonstrations, nothing went right. The door to the library opened up with a lot of force.
“CRIMSON, WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU!” Yelled Cameron, annoyed by Alex not showing up on time with the book he had been waiting for. The bolt of magic was fired, and there was a blinding light. It was chaos for a brief moment and then the light faded away. Both of the books had switched positions.
Twilight gave a sigh of relief. “Well, the books switched place. Looks like everything went fine! And here I was afraid of a repeat of the Brian incident.” Celestia and Alex kept standing in place, staring forward and not moving at all. “Um, Celestia, are you okay?”
Alex looked at Twilight. “Of course I’m fine, Twilight. Although I feel a little short.”
Celestia looked at Twilight as well. “Yeah, and I feel taller. Thats wierd, I don’t remember being able to see the top of that book case. Hey, why does my voice sound higher?” Celestia’s eyes snapped open. “Wait. When the hell did I get wings?” She turned towards Alex, and just stared. Alex did likewise. Celestia spoke up first. “Oh please don’t tell me what is happening is what I think is happening.”
Alex spoke up. “I think it is happening. And this is not good.” He turned towards Twilight. “Twilight. Which one of us is Princess Celestia?”
Twilight just stared and then pointed at the Alicorn in the room. “Her, Crimson. What kind of silly question is that?”
Celestia shook her head. “Actually Twilight, you failed that question. I’m Crimson.”
Cameron spoke up. “Wait, so If you’re Crimson inside of Celestia. Then that means that Celestia is inside...” He turned towards Alex’s body. “Oh you have got to be freaking kidding me.”
Chapter 20: THE PRINCESS DEMANDS MORE CHOCOLATE (AKA In which Cameron bitch smacks Celestia)
“Alright, lets go over this one more time. I burst in the door and screwed up Twilight concentration on a switching spell, it affected the books fine but it switched the minds of Celestia and Crimson.” He paused for a moment. “Wait, so does that mean that Crimson is the ruler of all equestria now or does that mean that Crimson’s body is ruler? Holy bacon this is confusing.”
Twilight turned towards Cameron. “Also, because of the nature of the spell, I can’t switch them back for about a day. So they are going to be in those bodies for a while. And what is bacon?”
Alex (In Celestia’s body) slammed his hoof on the table. “I have to be stuck in a chicks body for over the next few hours? This is terrible!” He lifted his hoof again. “Right, sorry, about that, twice the size that I am normally. The only upside to this is I’m in the ruler of all Equestria’s body. And she’s an alicorn.” Alex gave a small grin then sent out a bolt of energy at the table, leaving a scorch mark, leaving a perfect replica of his usual face burned into the table. “Sweet me thats awesome.”
Celestia (In Alex’s body) laid her head on the table. “So this is what it feels like to be a commoner. And about as flimsy as a wet paper bag. Crimson, do you even use magic to lift?”
Alex gave his body a glare. “Okay, do realize I have the power to jail you for technically insulting me and that hurt, Celestia. That really really hurt me. No comment on being a guy? ”
Celestia looked up at Alex. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
Cameron looked up. “Okay! Enough information about Celestia’s past that I really don’t want to know about for now! We need to decide how to handle this situation. So that means that Crimson can not leave the library no matter the...” He paused for a moment. “Crimson already left, didn’t he?” He glanced over to where he was a moment ago, not a single trace. “For being the largest equestrian anyone of us know, he’s a stealthy bastard.”
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Alex trotted down the street, with various heads of ponies turning towards him because of his new body. This feels so awesome to be a king... Okay, rather a princess in this case but seriously, Celestia is in charge of all of equestria. How is she not considered a queen? He pondered where to go next. Okay, so I still have her voice so I can use that along with her body to pretty much do whatever I want. He mulled over his potential options for entertainment that night. Rarity’s is closed, so I can’t manipulate her into making something ridiculous. Not much to do at the house, and I think Celestia showing up there would cause a bit too much commotion for my taste. What about Sugarcube corner? He thought for a moment more. I wonder if Celestia has a tab. He smiled to himself, his mind made up. Well, if she doesn't have one now, she’ll have one in less than an hour .
He continued onwards to the store, stopping at the entrance to the candy and sweet filled building. Time to binge on sugar and bloat Celestia like a friggin balloon on steroids.
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Cameron flew about the town, searching for any trace of Alex so that they would not have to deal with a potential cataclysm from him going insane via power abuse of Celestia’s body. He had checked almost everywhere, before it occurred to him that Alex may have gone to Sugarcube corner for something to eat, since he couldn’t find him at the house and the boutique was closed for the night. This might just be worse than when you got out, Brian.
“Well, you could be right about that. And another thing I would like to say is that I have noticed that so much chaos happens around us that I wonder if we are just a singularity of the stuff. Like, everythings fine until we walk into a room and then the next thing you know we have flipped all the tables and Alex is being molested by a chicken in the corner.” Said Brian, giving a rather specific example of what happens around them.
Not even going to ask how you managed to come up with that. He went silent for about a minute as he flew over the darkening town. Hey, what do you think would happen if Pinkie learned that Alex was in Celestia’s body? Do you think she would freak out from that idea or what?
“Cameron, remember you’re asking about Pinkie here. For all we know she would break out into a song and dance routine and somehow revert him back to normal in the process. She breaks physics whenever she feels like it. I don’t think its possible to predict her.”
Yeah, you’re probably right about that. He stood in front of the entrance to Sugarcube corner. I mean, what are the chances that there is going to be an actual problem that he’s caused in the past 10 minutes? He reached out and opened the door, only to get hit by a rather loud voice.
“BRING ME MORE CHOCOLATE, MORTALS!”
“Aaaaand... He’s gone mad with power. Wonderful. Just wonderful. Now I have to drag an immortal asshole out of his element, and away from what is essentially a mountain of chocolate. Any ideas on your end Brian?”
“None whatsoever. Oh, and you’re thinking out loud again.” Brian pointed out. “Anyways how are we even going to deal with getting him out of here? It’s not like he would listen to us since he quite literally became a god. On top of that how are we going to explain ‘taking Celestia back now, she’s just drunk off her flank”.
Alright, I think I know how I can handle this. Cameron proceeded to walk over the Cakes, who were cowering in a corner. “How long has this been going on for?”
Mr. Cake was the first one to speak up. “About 5 minutes, she just stormed in here and was nice at first. Then she went crazy and started demanding more and more. Pinkie is the only one who is serving her. May Celestia have mercy on her sugar high soul.”
Cameron face hoofed. “Kind of saw this coming. Also, that is terrible wording given this situation were in. Don’t worry, I think I know how to handle this situation, get Celestia to leave and have this mostly fixed in the next hour.” Cameron readied himself for the potential crapstorm that he would have to brave after doing this. And he hoped that he wouldn't get thrown into the Canterlot dungeons for this. He began walking towards Alex, then spoke. “Hey Celestia! I have something for you!”
Alex turned towards Cameron, a wild look in his (well, technically Celestia's) eyes, which were darting around more than dragonfly on caffeine . He said nothing and just had a grin on his face.
“It’s something really special I cooked up just for you!” He walked up to Alex. “You wanna know what it is? Its...” He readied himself. “A...” He aimed, readying himself for the attack. “Surprise!” To be completely honest, when Cameron smacked an immortal goddess alicorn across the face, everyone in the room was surprised, with the exception of Pinkie. The blow knocked Alex unconscious.
Pinkie Pie walked over to Cameron, who stood over the unconscious body of Celestia. “So, you going to put Crimson back in the right body again?”
Cameron turned towards Pinkie. “Okay, not even going to try and figure out how you could have possibly known that was him in there. Did he tell you or what?”
Pinkie Pie just shrugged. “Only Crimson would go on that big of a chocolate binge. I think I know him well enough to make that connection.” Cameron was slightly thrown off on how she could have possibly noticed something like that when he had known him for multitudes longer. “Anyways, you need help dragging the body out of here? I know you pegasi are pretty flimsy at times.
Ow, that statement went straight into my pride. I think I need 20 gallons of ego stat. “Uh, seeing as how I could probably do this if it was a normal body, I would normally say no. But since its an Alicorn we have to drag out, sure thing.” He looked up, at least a dozen stunned ponies were staring directly at him. “If you don’t mind, we need to borrow this body for a while. So.... Yeah..... Later I guess.”
Several minutes later Cameron and Pinkie were dragging Celestia through town. It dawned on Cameron that this series of events might cause a bit of a stir. “Hey Pinkie, how do you think the news that I just knocked out the ruler of all Equestria is going to be handled by everyone? No one except for you, me, Crimson, Celestia and Twilight know about this so I might become that colt who ‘beat the crap out of Celestia.”
“No idea, most would probably hear that I helped you drag the body away and think nothing else about it. I mean, it’s strange if you did this by yourself, but add me into the equation and suddenly it seems somewhat normal.” Pinkie replied.
Cameron sighed. “Okay... Damn, Celestia is heavy. She needs to lay off the cake.”
V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V
Celestia sneezed. “Thats funny, I think someone just called me fat.”
Twilight looked at her questioningly. “What makes you say that?”
Celestia just sat there. “I’m not sure, it’s just a feeling that I’m getting for some reason or another. Anyway, would you mind telling me who exactly this body belongs to? I know that he was the one that managed to beat my sister in... I guess combat would be the correct definition of what happened but aside from that I can’t seem to find any information on him until recently. In fact, the first mention I found of him was being jailed for breaking and entering. And that was at the castle.”
Twilight hesitated. She knew that her head was on a pike if she said anything about their origins. Then it occurred to her that she was only allowed to talk with Crimson and Shadow about that. She could technically tell Celestia about it since she was inside of Crimson’s body. “Well, according to them they traveled between worlds somehow. From what I understand, if they were to get help from a powerful enough unicorn they could return whenever they feel like. We opened a portal back to their home at the gala and that’s where he got those things from. They were also turned into ponies in transit, so they aren't what they used to be. Thats everything I know about the situation.”
Twilight shrugged. “I guess it has something to do with that song that he played. If I remember correctly it was called through the fire and flames, or something like that. His mark could allude to that.”
Celestia sat for a moment. “And what about the other one, Shadow Feather. I know that his cutie mark matches his name perfectly but I have been able to find less about him.”
Twilight chuckled for a moment. “Well, if I remember correctly it’s because there’s more than one of him.”
Celestia looked at her student quizzically. “What exactly do you mean, Twilight?” Over the course of the next half an hour, Twilight relayed the events regarding what happened to Cameron and the release of Brian incident. Starting with the initial split up and ending with banana flood in the boutique. “I applaud the use of the bananas in that situation. I think I’ll give my regards to Crimson once we’re back in the correct bodies.”
Several minutes later, Twilight heard a knock at the door. She opened it up to find Cameron and Pinkie dragging the unconscious body of Celestia into the library. “What happened out there? And why is Celesti... Er, Crimson, unconscious?”
Cameron gave her a blank look. “Don’t ask, it’s a short story and I really don’t feel like reciting it. Let’s just say that Crimson went a little power crazy and I had to subdue him. Oh, and Celestia? Just so you know I think I just made you lose so much credibility with the one hit K.O. I pulled off.”
Celestia gave a regal sigh (which was bizarre coming out of Alex’s mouth). “Did you really have to be so rough with my body? I have to go back into that soon.”
Cameron suddenly got a massive grin on his face. “So, when you go back into your body you will have to feel that pain from the hit?”
Celestia looked at him. “In theory, yes. I would still feel that because It would be my body that experienced the damage rather than my mind. So any transfer back would keep the same physical damage that was done to it and I would still feel the pain from it.”
Cameron’s grin seemed to double in length. “Thats what I thought.” He joyfully trotted up to Celestia. “This is for forcing me to work all that time at the castle and making me organize the gala.” He promptly smacked Celestia across the face. “There, now it won’t be so much of a shock going back into his body and feeling the pain and he will have to deal with pain.”
Twilight looked at what had just happened. She realized that Celestia couldn’t do anything in this situation. He had taken down her body because she had gone crazy and was likely a threat to everypony around her, so his actions could be exempt. And he had hit Cameron’s body, which had almost no power legally. Whichever way you put it, Celestia couldn’t take any legal action unless she were to stay in Crimson’s body.
“Now,” Cameron clapped his hooves together, “let’s get this party started. Twilight, could you ready the swapping spell? If I remember correctly the cooldown on the objects is already over so we should be able to take care of this without much trouble.”
Twilight readied herself. “Alright, might as well get this over with.” She paused for a moment. “Am i the only one who is having a strange sense of deja vu with this?”
Cameron replied simply. “Nope, and If Crimson was conscious he would likely agree. Just swap them back already, I don’t want to deal with a power crazed Crimson.”
Twilight nodded. She began charging her magic and then cast the spell once more and swapped them back. After the spell took hold Alex’s body crumpled over and he had his tongue hanging out, then promptly started to drool. Celestia stood up back in her own body. “Well, now that that has been organized, lets get back to what we were doing and never mention this again. Oh, and Shadow?”
Cameron was bored to death at this point and was just generally frustrated with the general series of events. “What?”
Celestia gave a smile. “I know how you got here now.”
Camerons eye twitched. “Twilight... You get a 30 second head start before I start to hunt you down.” He was going to call for Pinkie to release the hounds, but promptly realized that she had disappeared sometime during the second body swap. “Dang, there's a perfect joke gone. But in all honesty I will hunt you down for this, then you can tell me why you broke your promise to me.”
Twilight did a cartoon worthy gulp as she realized that he was pissed off. When he caught up with her she would explain what she did, but she knew what ponies could be like when they were angry. She recalled an event where Rarity, who at times was the most level headed of the group went berserk when an magic accident had turned her green. The memory echoed through her head. “Rarity smash!” The destruction ponyville witnessed that day led to the creation of a group specifically for repairing the damages caused by any of the elements of harmony.
She bolted out of the door. Alex started to get up from where he was lying. “Holy pony burgers, what happened? The last thing I remember was going into Sugarcube corner as Celestia then I just see a vision of chocolate, then pain.... And why does my face hurt?”
Cameron glared daggers at him. “Go mad with power ever again and I will shank you. Now come minion, tonight we ride!” The two got going and chased after Twilight. Leaving Celestia to her own devices in the library.
She sighed to herself, from the exhausting series of events that had transpired around her in the last few hours. “I wonder how its possible that this town has not gone up in flames as of yet from those two running around. It’s a miracle for sure... I seem to be talking to myself again.” She thought for a moment more. “Perhaps I should send Shadow Feather a reward for his assistance in this matter.”
And thus started the ending to first act.
Chapter 21: Crossing The Rubicon (and Rarity)
Cameron stood agape at what had arrived at their doorstep outside Alex and himself’s house. He had just walked out of the house when he saw Celestia’s present to him for helping with the whole body swap incident. “What I want to know... Is where the hell she found someone to make this.” He stared up at the massive statue of Celestia, made out of some kind of stone material. He heard the door opening up behind him.
“Hey, i’m going to be... Why is there a giant statue of Celestia in front of the house?”
Cameron turned towards his rather confused friend. “Remember when I kicked your flank when you went insane with power? That’s what this if for.”
Alex continued to stare at the statue. “So, she gave you a statue... For beating the crap out of her? Or would technically have been me?”
“Honestly, at this point I don’t even care. So here’s the next question for today, what do we do with it? We could just leave it here but that would kinda be a problem.”
Alex paced back and forth for a few moments and then looked up at the statue. “Or we could just leave it in the center of town and make you feel like a badass for all eternity.” He walked around to the other side of the statue. “You did notice the inscription on the other side, right?”
Cameron walked around to where Alex was standing and began to read the description on the side. “In dedication to Shadow Feather. The only pony who had the guts to slap me when ‘I’ went mad and nearly devoured the entire town’s supply of chocolate.” Camerons brow furrowed. “She’s taking the blame for what you did when you body swapped? I can kinda see her doing that but I’m surprised that she never carted you off to the dungeons.”
Alex shrugged. “It would be kind of hard to prove that I was the one who did those things. Besides, we should probably move this.” His horn glowed with his red magic and then there was a flash of light, leaving Cameron by himself and nothing to do.
He tried to recall what he was planning on doing that day, and his memories eluded him. “Damn it all, I know I was going to do something today but what the hell was it.” He decided to walk, thinking he might remember what it was. “Go to the library? No, did that yesterday.” He continued to walk when he remembered. Out of all the hellish things I could have remembered to do today, why did it have to be that?
“Hey, what are you going to have to do today?” Asked Brian.
Why are you even asking? You are trapped inside my brain, literally where I remember things and formulate thoughts. Shouldn’t you be able to answer these questions by yourself?
“I could, but It would just cause you problems. I live in the emotional part of your brain and take up pretty much all the space there, and at the same time make it unstable. That’s why you are crying yourself to sleep most nights.”
Really? Anyways I have to go to Rarity’s today. I need a hat made and I kind of figure that would be the best place to go. Despite the kind of creepy relationship we have. Honestly, from what Alex told me about her little shrine I’m surprised that I haven't been kidnapped yet and turned into some kind of toy for her. Also, I realized something last night.
“And that would be?”
That given the massive offset of the gender ratio here in Equestria, female on male rape is a thing that you would actually hear about. Or at the least it would be more common. Wait, why am I worried about this? I’m sure that nothing could go wrong if i’m just getting a hat. Cameron felt a shiver down his spine. Oh Luna, why did I have to say that?
Cameron began to walk towards the boutique, ready for whatever was going to be thrown his way in the coming times. I gently opened up the door and called out. “Hello? Rarity? I want to put in an order for something. Are you around?”
He heard the hoofsteps coming down from the floor above. Rarity came down, levitating a few odd things with her. “Why hello there Shadow. What do you need?” She gave him a small, somewhat seductive smile.
Suddenly fear gripped Cameron like a monkey holding the very last banana in existence. “Uh, yeah. I was wondering if you could make me a hat? Just something I can wear while I fly so that I don’t get the sun in my eyes.”
“Of course! Normally I would just ask for payment in bits, but because i’m being asked by you~” She walked around Cameron for a moment or two. “I’m willing to give it to you free, on one condition.”
Brian sent up something of a mental alarm bell. “Bro. Run.”
Cameron gulped. “A- And that would be?” Don’t ask for my soul. Don’t ask for my soul. Don’t ask for my-
“A date tonight.”
Oh thank Celestia I thought that she... “Can I please just pay in bits? Just, please? I mean, dates really aren’t my thing.”
Alex seemed to appear out of nowhere. “Yeah, they’re more of my thing in our little friendship. Normally he just somehow gets roped into these things and then it usually end in flames.”
“Crimson, your input is not wanted here. Go count the pearls and gems.” Alex sighed and began to walk away. “But may I ask if you have another reason?”
Oh crap. I have to give a reason. Think, damn it. You have screwed up so many of these it can’t be that hard to do it on purpose. Cameron cleared his throat. “Well, you see Miss Rarity, I have a terrible track record with dates, so I wouldn’t want to chance screwing up. Also, Unicorns really aren’t my type.” He paused for a moment, then Brian forced his way into using Cameron’s mouth to make the words that would doom him to a terrible fate. “And I really don’t think that you are all that attractive.”
Rarity just stared at Cameron for what felt like an eternity. Brian. You. Are. An. ASSHOLE!
“Hey, I saved you from pulling your punch. You keep doing it and Rarity just keeps on bugging you. Think of it this way, if you essentially tell her to screw off, she should leave you alone.” Brian explained.
Alex poked his head out from around the corner wide eyed and a look of fear taking him over. Rarity’s eye twitched. “Thats... Fine... Would you like anything emblazoned on the hat? Maybe something that personifies you, like a dagger stabbing a heart several times?”
I don’t know why... But suddenly I feel like I should run for my life. “No... Just something plain will be fine.” Cameron turned around and walked out of the store. I have seen hell in that demons eye’s. And it is filled with ponies.
“We should probably get going before she decides to brutally murder you.”
Agreed. As he walked away he swore he could hear shouting and several objects being thrown around the boutique. He continues onwards, planning to get something to eat at Sugarcube Corner. I feel like I haven't eaten in days. Seriously, switching from a omnivore pallet to a herbivore pallet is like torture. I wonder how vegans can even survive.
“That’s a mystery. Like where the left socks go in a washing machine or if you will ever amount to anything other than being a pegasus.”
They continued on their walk, but eventually Cameron decided it would be a bit faster to fly rather than just walk, seeing as how there were a lot more ponies on the ground this time of day heading off to do whatever. He started flying towards the store and after a little while could see it in sight. Sweet! No line outside today! Is the all knowing deity finally going to stop trolling me? He suddenly felt his hair standing on edge and looked up to see a group of pegasi dancing on a storm cloud. Why did I even bother asking?
A bolt of lightning leapt from the cloud and hit him square in the body. Were he still a human he would probably be dead, however pegasi bodies are surprisingly resistant to electricity. He began to feel himself falling from a decent height, praying he landed on something soft since he had lost control after the shock. He glanced up and saw that he was falling straight for Sugarcube corner.
“Well, I can’t feel pain and even I know this is going to HURT.” Said Brian, asympathetic to Cameron’s current situation.
Why can you never be helpful?
“Because I don’t want to? Oh hey look, Pinkie Pie!”
Wait, what- His thoughts were cut short as he felt himself impact something rather squishy. Thankfully whatever it was cushioned his fall and he proceeded to stand up again. He looked at where he was, and saw a pile of pink mush. “Oh Celestia no, I just killed Pinkie Pie.” He fell on his knees and began to sob. “She was so young and full of sugar! Why did it have to end this way!?”
A voice came from behind Cameron. “Um, Shadow i’m-”
“Silence! We must mourn the loss of Pinkie Pie! I’m a monster for causing such a travesty, why does this sort of thing always happen around me?” He was then spun around and smacked across the face by a rather unamused looking Pinkie Pie. “Oh... You’re alive?”
Pinkie just stared at him and then pointed back to the pile of pink mush. He saw that there was a platter on top of it and that it was composed entirely of mushed cupcakes. Cameron just sat and stared at the pile for a moment and then face-hoofed. “Dude, you’re a moron.” Added Brian, who later realized that made him a moron as well.
“So... You’re still alive and all I did was crash into a platter of cupcakes?” Pinkie Pie shook her head in agreeance. “I’m.... Sorry?”
PInkie Pie just rolled her eyes. “Since that whole platter takes about an hour or so to make, i’m going to give you two choices. Option A: you have to help me remake the whole batch or option B: go get a cake that might have bad ingredients in it and could easily be seen as a bio hazard if ingested.”
Scenes of failed cooking and baking attempts flashed before, failed top ramen attempts and burnt bananas clouded his vision. He snapped himself back to reality by stepping on his own hoof. “Seeing how I don’t want a lot of dead bodies on my hooves, i’ll take option B.”
Pinkie stared at Cameron and gave him a glare. “Pinky promise?”
Cameron decided to forgo asking her how she knew what a pinkie was, or if it was just a joke regarding her own name. “Fine, pinky promise.” As he uttered the last words he felt a shiver run up his spine. “Anyways, who has the cake? I just have to get it back, right?”
“Yeah, oh and you are probably going to laugh when you hear who has the cake!”
Cameron raised an eye, curious as to who was the current captor of the confection in which he had to obtain to make correction. “And that would be.”
“Celestia, apparently she needed a cake so she decided to put in a special order. And this is the last time I ask Ditzy to grab ingredients.”
Cameron felt a blood vessel snap somewhere in his head. “I have to get a cake... From the ruler of all equestria... Who literally banishes bakers who do not meet her standards of cake? And to top it off I will likely have to steal it because of her ‘addiction’ to them... Pinkie you are a demon who seems to enjoy messing with my life, and that of Crimson.”
Pinkie Pie just shrugged and put the platter on top of her head. “Good luck with Tia’s security system~” She paused and turned around to pass Cameron a pair of orange lensed goggles. “Here, you might as well take these.”
Cameron put the goggles on his head. “Do they do anything special?”
Pinkie just smiled. “No, why would you think there would be anything special. They just look cool.”
Cameron sighed. “Fair enough. At least this will get me away from Rarity for a while. Man, she can be scary when she’s rejected.”
Pinkie gained a look of concern. “Shadow... Which one of you two rejected her?”
“That would be me. I was a idiot and said something I shouldn’t have. Things kind of went crazy from there, and I think she did too.”
Pinkie said nothing to Cameron and just stared at him. “I hope for your sake you have insurance.”
“Insurance on what and why?”
“Everything. You know why.”
Cameron just began to walk away from the pink mare when she remained silent afterwards. He had a heist to pull and figured that whatever he had just roped himself into, that it would end well enough that he could keep his limbs intact. He decided to visit Twilight’s first for books on lockpicking (hey, if he’s going to do something it’s worth overdoing) and to ask her about the castle.
He opened the door to the library. “Hey Twi, do you have any books on lockpicking? I need it for something I’m doing for Pinkie.” Twilight’s head burst out from a pile of books, startling Cameron. “Oh goddesses Twi, that almost scared the feathers off of me.”
“Sorry about that.” Twilight escaped from her tomb of tomes, brushing a little dust off her shoulders. “So, who are you doing something for?”
“Pinkie Pie. I have to get something for her and there are going to be a lot of locked doors in between it and me.”
"Did you pinky promise her?”
“Yeah, how did you know? And what exactly does that imply?”
Twilight just took a step back from Cameron. “Let’s just say that it would be VERY good for your health to keep that promise. Because if you break it, may Celestia have mercy on your soul.” She paused for a moment. “Wait, would Brian still be in your head during the afterlife or would he go his separate way?”
“Honestly, I have no idea. Now where is that book?”
“Crimson has it. He came in here like a week ago and asked for it. No idea why though. He doesn’t seem like the kind of guy to become a locksmith. I think he said something about working on the bedroom door around those lines.” She turned around and began searching the bookshelf behind her. “Ah here we go, I knew I had a spare...” She looked to where Cameron had been standing before and noticed he was gone. “Why do they always do that?”
Cameron sat in front of the house, after checking to see if the door to his room had been tampered with as of late. He saw that a certain someone had been messing with the locks on it, and given the recent situation he was pretty sure he knew who it was. He finally saw Alex walking up the street towards the house. “Alex. I have a question for you. How long did it take you pick my lock with magic?”
Alex just looked away. “I have no idea what you’re talking about... Hey, why do you have a pair of goggles?”
“Answer the question.”
“The first time or the 37 times thereafter?”
“Fastest time.”
Alex used his magic to pull a notebook out of his saddlebags. “That would be... 13 seconds. Now will you answer my question, and you never said that I couldn’t take things out of your room, just not go in.”
“Then how do you... Oh, right, telekinesis. I got the goggles from Pinkie, kind of leveled a tray of cupcakes so now I need to break into Canterlot castle and steal and or destroy a defective cake that was given to her. And you are going to help me.”
“And why should I do that?”
“Because I have the pictures from the party where you lost Brian’s top hat.”
“Wait, Pinkie said she... Oh that son of a gryphon... I’m sorry, did I just say gryphon? What in the name of Celestia kind of censorship is that? I curse this realm’s strange properties with my very soul, let it forever known that I, Alex-”
“Enough of that monologue, now teleport us to Canterlot. We have a castle to break into. Before we go through, what did you do with the statue?”
Alex facehooved. “Crap... I knew I forgot something. Well, I hope where I left it isn’t a problem.”
Cameron looked at him questioningly. “And where, pray tell, is that?”
Alex looked down in shame. “Let’s just say that our home world may have a new attraction. Mainly because I’m too lazy to go and grab it again.”
Chapter 22: Alex and Cameron are forced into taking a train
“Alright, so we have your lockpicking tools, high class suits from our Canterlot trip, these awesome goggles and a layout of Canterlot castle.” Cameron looked up from their provisions and sighed. “Yet I still feel like this is not going to end well for us.”
Alex rolled his eyes. “Yeah, knowing us it’s probably going to all go up in smoke. Did you get the train tickets as well?”
“Got them right here, why do we have to get these anyways? Can’t you just teleport us there?” He said, flashing the tickets for the train ride. “I mean, i’ve seen you teleport a really long distance and it’s not that hard, is it?”
“Not really, it’s just that I would burn up a lot of my mana teleporting us both that far. I would get there and pretty much just be about as useful as a sack of potatoes that someone is using to fend off a monster.”
“Not going to ask where that last part came from, but okay. I don’t think Celestia is just going to give us the O.K. to eliminate the cake, when you’ve been stuck by her side for a while you learn to never mess with her cake.” Cameron said, gathering the supplies into a saddle bag.
“Loud and clear, but why do we need the map? You spent a lot of time there.”
“I was more of a prisoner than a guest there. I’m just thankful I wasn’t in the eastern portion of the castle. Anyone that was there never came out sane.”
“What’s in the eastern portion?”
“Prince Blueblood’s room. And the kitchen. That part of the castle is a death sentence.”
Alex and Cameron arrived at the trainstation some minutes later, right on time for the train. They produced the tickets and were allowed to board the train, and they would arrive in Canterlot in a couple of hours. They were lucky enough to have a private section (courtesy of all the taco money) and they looked over the map of the castle. After much deliberation they decided on a plan for what to do at the Castle, which was essentially head straight to wherever the cake was and use Alex’s magic to destroy it.
They arrived at Canterlot station and got off, heading straight for the castle. They got about as far as the entrance gate but were stopped by a guard. “Sorry, but this gate is closed for maintenance right now. The only open way in is the kitchen door.”
Well, there goes plan A. Thought Cameron to himself. Wait... Oh Luna no, that means- “That’s the eastern entrance, isn’t it?” The guard nodded in response. “Well, this won’t be fun. Do you know where the cake that Celestia recently ordered is? There is a problem with it and we need to report it to her.”
The guard remained silent, and looked around making sure no one else was around. “That would probably be the royal confection room. But good luck finding your cake in there.”
“Why?”
“It’s worse than a needle in a haystack in there. It’s more like a needle in a stack of needles that’s hidden in a hundred haystacks, locked inside a box made of needles and hay.” Cameron silently cursed and then thanked the guard, walking off to the other entrance. He unrolled the map and began to plot a new course.
“So, now we have to go through the east side? Hey, can you check to see where Blueblood’s room is? I have something I need to do.”
“What is it that you need to do so badly it brings us by that obnoxious prince’s room? Can’t it wait?”
Alex just smiled. “Nope, let’s just say this is payback for the Gala. If he hadn’t insulted me I never would have had to go through that whole song with Luna.”
Cameron stopped walking. “I’m sorry, didn’t you get a lot more popular after kicking Luna’s flank? Let alone in videogame form.” He began to resume walking and was deep in thought for another moment. “Actually, now that I think about it we both have a rep for beating the rulers of Equestria. You beat Luna and I technically beat Celestia when you were in her body. I still think it’s a bit strange that she never found a way to cover that up.”
“Yeah, it is a bit weird. Anyway, we better hurry. I want to get in and out as quickly as possible. He began to move a bit quicker, a look of excitement and worry on his face.
“Wait, Alex, can’t you just teleport us in?”
Alex chuckled nervously. “You see, I would but apparently after me winding up here when we first went through the rift, they had a spell put up that would scatter me into a thousand tiny, yet sexy, pieces if I ever tried to directly teleport in here.” Cameron gave him a quizzical look and Alex just shrugged in response. “They have very strict policies as to stop repeat offenders. That and they don’t like it when Luna is woken up early.”
They arrived at the kitchen entrance, which was, strangely, not guarded and there seemed to be no employees or even chefs around. They proceeded onwards until they arrived at a pair of giant double doors with Blueblood’s face painted on them. Alex just looked up at them and got a grin on his face. “Oh the thing’s I could do with this.” He used his magic and made a can of red spray paint appear.”
Cameron looked at the can and then back to Alex. “Fine, do what you want as long as it’s not too bad. Catch up to me when you’re done.” Cameron continued onwards through the castle, which seemed oddly deserted of any guards or staff whatsoever. He arrived in front of a large door with a plaque on the wall labeled “Celestia’s Cake and Confection Depository.” He checked the door and wandered in, but quickly realized how screwed he was. It was literally a room about twice the size of his house filled to the brim with cake and other baked goods. He had a feeling that not even an army of obese children that had been starved for 24 hours could devour it all.
“Alright then, now I just need to find Pinkie’s cake...” He thought about that for a moment and then started to get a maniacal laugh.
“Oh god, I know that laugh. That’s your ‘i’m screwed right now and i’m about to go insane’ laugh. The last time you did that was when you got a surprise test in class.”
Brian, I have a question. Did Pinkie EVER tell us what the cake she made looked like? Brian remained silent. That’s what I thought. So now we either go all the way back to ponyville, then back here again, or we figure out which cake it is.
Alex walked into the room shortly after. “Hey, back from tagging Blueblood’s room. I went into his room and did a mural of myself with the words ‘kiss my peasant flank’ then I drew a moustache on his door face. My work there is done.” He looked around the room. “That’s a lot of diabetes. Which one is Pinkie’s?”
Cameron remained silent for a moment and then spoke. “I have no idea, we’re going to have to figure it out.”
“Or,” said Alex, materializing a chainsaw from the air, “we destroy every last one of them and then get away from the insuring chaos.” He swung the chainsaw into a cake, cutting it in half. He continued on a rampage of destroying the cakes with his chainsaw and exploding others with magic. Cameron just stood there protecting himself from the spray of cake with his loaned goggles.
After several moments the carnage finally ended, and Alex stood panting on a pile of destroyed cakes and their baked relatives. There were bits and pieces of souffles and pies splattered on the walls and ceiling, and what appeared to be what was left of a creme brulee was dribbling down from the ceiling. Cameron was covered in what he hoped was raspberry pie and not a stray guard that had been hiding in a cake.
“Well, I think I’ve created a masterpiece here Cam, what do you think?” Cameron just stared at him and wiped some cake off his goggles. He was about to answer with something witty when the door they had entered opened up.
“Here we go, Princess. Now if you would kindly pick a cake for tonights...” He just looked at the room, Celestia standing over his shoulder. Alex just stood there, on top the mountain of cake (innards?) looking at Celestia. Cameron just remained silent and looked forward.
“Celestia. If you give us about thirty seconds this can all be explained and we won’t havet to be publically executed for our crimes.” Said cameron. “We came here to get rid of a cake but then Alex got a bit out of control.”
Celestia just looked at them, then her usually calm demeanor was shattered with a laugh of pure insanity and rage. She was fully aware what would happen if she tried to imprison Cameron again, and Alex was clearly the guilty one in this since he was standing on the cake. Celestia smiled. “Arrest them and then execute them for the destruction of the cake.”
Alex and Cameron bolted from the room, attempting to outpace the guards and the immortal Alicorn who would sooner level the castle before she would let them escape.Cameron figured that for all he knew she had a pack of hellhounds meant for hunting down cake thieves, or in this instance vandals.
During their run, Cameron spoke first. “This seems a bit extreme, don’t you think? I mean, throwing us in jail makes sense but public execution? I had no idea she took cake that seriously.”
“Look, we just need to get outside then I can teleport us home. I was kind of lying to you earlier. I could teleport us both here but I was just too lazy and I wanted to try and close the money gap between us, i’m sorry.”
Cameron gave him a quick glare and as they ran towards a door Cameron picked up his pace and used his momentum to smack down the door blocking alex and himself from escape. The door swung open and they had made their way outside of the castle. Alex charged up his magic and teleported them both back to Ponyville. “That,” panted Alex, “was awesome.”
They started to walk back to their house when they noticed that there was smoke rising up from the direction they were heading. “Please don’t tell me...” Said Cameron, worried he knew exactly where that was coming from. They picked up their collective pace, already exhausted from their run from Canterlot castle.
They arrived at the sight of a burning house, their house. With a smiling Rarity walking away from the house, the backdrop of the fire made her seem like some kind of demon that shouldn’t be messed with. She turned towards Alex and spoke. “You’re fired.” She continued on as if arson and firing employees was nothing more than her daily routine.
Alex and Cameron sat and watched as their house burned down in front of them. “So,” started Cameron, “we have a pissed off princess who want’s to execute us for cake vandalism and no house. You just got fired and there’s not that much more we can do about our situation. Any ideas Al?” Alex just shook his head. They continued to sit and watch as the house slowly was reduced to less and less by the fire. After a while Twilight arrived.
“What happened here?”
“I rejected Rarity and she burnt down the house.”
“I meant the cake all over you guys. You do that thing Pinkie Pie made you do?”
“What? You mean break into Canterlot castle, destroy a defective cake, get carried away and destroy all of them then promptly get chased after by Celestia? If that’s what you mean then yes.” Twilight just looked at him, wondering if he was serious or not. “Okay, I have an idea what to do from here Alex. I think we’ve overstayed our welcome here.” He turned back to Twilight. “If you would be so kind as to help Alex here open a gate back to our world.
“By the way, Shadow Feather and Crimson flame aren’t our names Twilight. My name is Cameron and the bag of minorly psychotic bricks here is Alex. When Celestia shows up here tell her that we’re sorry for the cake.”
“Because i’m the only pony aside from you that actually spends time in the library reading? That and you owe me for not stopping this.” He pointed towards the still burning house. “Now just shut up and trust this.” Twilight was about to interject, but Cameron gave her a look that told her to just do it already. Despite her inclination not to she helped them, she used the backing of “for science” as an excuse for her mental state to relax a bit. The gate was open and Cameron and Alex stood in front of it.
They heard a clamor behind them, only to see Celestia and a good contingent of guards standing there by her side. “Shadow Feather and Crimson Flame, you are under arrest for the worst of crimes in all of Equestria. You can either pay for the damage, a total of twenty thousand bits, or be jailed for life.”
Cameron and Alex both looked at eachother then back to the group that had come to apprehend them. Alex took the lead on their final words in Equestria. “We pick our own option. Kiss our flanks, Celestia.” With that they promptly jumped through the portal, arriving back home. They looked at each other, smiled and high fived. They finally had gotten back home. In the span of two months they had broken the laws of science in half, pissed off a ruler, used magic and broke into a castle. They were satisfied with what they had done. There was just one problem.
“Alex, you do realize we’re both not wearing pants, right?”