Chapters January 23rd 2013 March 6th 2013 March 7th 2013 March 22nd 2013 April 6th 2013, April 8th 2013, April 9th 2013 April 25th 2013 April 27th 2013, May 2nd 2013, May 3rd 2013 May 5th 2013 May 16th 2013 May 24th 2013, May 26th 2013, May 28th 2013 June 14th 2013, June 15th 2013, June 16th 2013 June 22nd 2013, June 23rd 2013, June 24th 2013 April 11th 2013, April 13th 2013 April 22nd 2013, April 23rd 2013, April 24th 2013 December 26th 2012 March 27th 2013 May 18th 2013, May 21st 2013, May 23rd 2013 June 8th 2013, June 12th 2013, June 13th 2013 June 17th 2013, June 19th 2013, June 20th 2013 June 25th 2013 June 26th 2013, June 27th 2013, June 28th 2013 Holy crap, I forgot I had this stupid thing! And I would have trashed it too if Jamie hadn't pointed it out when I was throwing some old junk away in my room.
But other then that, nothing else changed, so I guess its back to forgetting you exist again.
Since I can't get a hold of any of my friends, I'm just going to rant in this journal. Since I know punching a pillow can only do so much.
J.T's cutting again.
Just, damn it! Why! I thought we were really making progress! But no, of course not, silly me. What made me think hanging out a bit more was going to improve that? He promised me he'd stop! I know his past was shit but come on! Are we, his friends (best friend right here might I add!) just not good enough for him!?
Ok, it looks like I just erupted on that last page, so I apologize. (Not that a piece of paper has feelings but it just makes me feel better to do it.)
J.T has been through a lot and it was dumb of me to get so upset over that. It's just, I know how bad cutting is, I just don't want to find out he's dead one day for it.
His dad did some bad things to him, things I'd feel better not dwelling into.
Besides, bad dads seem to be a thing lately.
Don't worry J.T, I promise I won't let that bastard touch you again.
Every time I think I'm done using this notebook for life, I just keep crawling right back to it.
And sadly enough, I do have a reason to write in it now.
You see, there's this show called My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. And as if I couldn't be lamer, I actually really love the show!
Being a boy and liking ponies, you can already guess why you're going to be my new best friend Mr. Diary. We'll just leave all the bad things behind us.
Just writing down that I like it makes me feel better already.
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April 6th 2013, April 8th 2013, April 9th 2013
Good God, what was all that garbage I wrote down on that last entry? Jamie as my Rarity? Ugh! Call the doctor I think I'm puking up rainbows!
Thats it, no more MLP for me. No Season 2, I need to get back to being normal again.
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Aw Yeah, happy birthday to me~.
I just turned seventeen bitches, what now! Just one more year and I'll be eighteen.
Now if you excuse me diary, I got a birthday party at J.T's place to attend to!
___________
So much for that birthday party, it was cut off short thanks to Angie.
Not that it was her fault for bursting into tears, it was her dad's. He called her yesterday to check up on her.
But as usual it ended with him calling her names and how low a "piece of shit" she was. And to top it off, he even had the gall to bring up the divorce as "her fault."
I wasn't kidding when I said bad dad's were the new thing now, J.T and Angie both had a hard up-bringing.
J.T was molested and abused while Angie was beaten and harassed by her drunk father while growing up.
J.T was too young to really know his dad was doing bad things, in fact his dad was caught in the act when J.T was only eight.
It's why he cuts, he feels like he was dumb, like it was his fault his dad was corrupted. Which deep down, I think he knows its bullshit but he takes it out on himself for fear of the bastard returning to do the pain for him.
I think that jerk must have played with his mind to think the way he does, or else he'd be free by now.
Either way, I'll talk about Angie's dad some other time, I've already written three pages of J.T's dad as is.
Man, this is just insane! First Jamie, now J.T!?
Turns out J.T's been into the show for a while now, but like me, was afraid to admit it.
The only one who doesn't know yet is Angie, however I can tell she's curious and suspicious what with J.T and I going off like bullets about the show but then silent as lambs when she comes around the corner.
We both know we can't keep this a secret long, what with Jamie a pegasister and me and J.T as bronies.
But seriously, who would have thought Jamie was a fan? I mean, I knew the brony community online was huge but not this gigantic!
It's just, when I look at Jamie, I always see a sophisticated, brilliant girl in the making.
No, a brilliant woman.
And her liking ponies just shocks me to no end!
Well if she likes My Little Pony as well as J.T. Then I have nothing to fear when the world finds out that I'm a brony, because I know I got my friends to back me up!
April 27th 2013, May 2nd 2013, May 3rd 2013
Well, as I figured, Angie's becoming more anxious and curious lately about our behavior and honestly I wish she'd mind her own business.
I mean, sure, I said I'd proudly state I'm a brony but, I want to do it when the time is right.
Besides, between you and me, I think Angie's got more balls then I do, and I don't say that lightly.
Heck, you don't even want to see her when her "monthly visit" comes, as mom puts it.
So telling her I'm a brony is more or less a bit pressuring.
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Angie's getting odd lately, like she's more emotional. I hope her stupid dad's not back again or something. She's just been so distant as of late.
Anyway on a lighter note, J.T told me his favorite pony, its Rainbow Dash! However, when we watch Fluttershy he always laughs a lot more, then again I could be just searching points to prove my theory that he's Butterscotch.
After all, who doesn't laugh at Fluttershy's cuteness?
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You know, I'm surprised I've written so much about Angue and J.T but not Jamie. Especially considering how much I care about her.
And no, I'm not just some love sick puppy. I really do worry about her.
Just today even, as we were talking about sports, she had confessed to me one of her greatest fears and that was water.
It of course came up after I gave the idea of swimming, since I personally love a nice long dip in the pool on a hot summer day.
She explained to me that she was having a rather bad fight with her sister in the pool one day. At first it was harmless splashing and slightly harsh curses at one another but then things got personal and they started dunking each other.
Well her sister pushed her down a bit too long and in her haste for air, she violently tugged her hair and soon pushed her back.
Unfortunately as she raised herself up to breathe, her sister had cracked her skull from the pavement lining, the push from Jamie, being the proof and culprit of the incident.
She even explained to me saying the fight in the first place was simple and idiotic, it was about her boyfriend and how Jamie didn't like her taste in men.
I tried reasoning with her, saying perhaps he was a sleeze but she corrected me that he was fine and was more then capable of taking care of her sister, if not perfect.
I've only known Jamie for about a year at this new school, so her telling me all this was more then surprising. Not to mention, this was actually recent, a year and a half before this one.
If I've calculated this right, she had this fight at the age of sixteen, that's quite the strength to kill an older sister like that but I guess death can happen no matter what the circumstance.
Thinking more and more about Jamie's story, it just makes lesser sense then it should! I mean, if Jamie's sister was older and Jamie killed her over this fight, does that really mean Jamie was stronger despite age?
Also, doesn't that mean her mother would know about this?
Then again, when was the last time I saw Jamie's mom anyways?
Was... Was Jamie playing mom?
I think I'm seeing the bigger picture now.
But its too early to make any assumptions yet, I'll have to dive into this further.
Still, how did I not know about this till now? Surely there would have been a ruckus over it on the news?
Maybe I should just worry about this some other time, I'm starting to shake just thinking about it.
This day started as pure hell, just, hell.
Angie had just exploded at us today, screaming!
She was upset because she thought we were ignoring her and pushing her out of the group. To which we of course stated other wise but it took a while for our words to sink in.
So this of course ended in me finally telling her I was a brony and in hiding, to where she stared at me with a tear-ridden face saying: "That was it?"
Apparently her and Jamie had spoken about MLP together quite openly and Jamie even calmly stated that she thought I knew that Angie did.
Which, I gotta tell ya, I feel like such a dumb jerk right now.
Then again why didn't Jamie ask me why I stopped talking about ponies when Angie walked and did it with me? Ugh, why am I always blamed for everything?
I mean, seriously, I've never seen Angie so upset before! And this all could have been avoided if I just told the truth instead of hiding.
Either way we settled things down and all apologies were taken, J.T in response just being shocked, hurt and confused by the ordeal. Can't say I'm surprised considering but damn do I feel like a dick, I can't say that enough.
How am I supposed to be a friend if I can't even be open with my own friends?
May 24th 2013, May 26th 2013, May 28th 2013
I knew it! So I was right! Jamie has no mom! And her sister -who I found out, was named Jessica- was indeed actually the older sister by two years difference.
She was near the age nineteen when she died.
Reason why I found out was because my curiosity got the best of me and I asked Jamie at lunch about it.
I hate to make her feel uncomfortable but I know deep down that if I don't ask otherwise, the questions are going to eat away at me.
Turns out also, there's a reason why Jamie's so calm about it, she goes to consoling. She's been going ever since it happened.
Either way, as riveting as this all is, I'm still curious as how her mom died and why Jamie got in such a tough fight with her sister.
I mean, I know it was because of Jessica's boyfriend but even so, I feel like there's more to it then that.
I wonder, did Jamie feel responsible for Jessica?
_____________
You know, I can't help but hate myself for thinking negatively about Jamie just because I didn't have all the pieces I assumed the worst.
Again.
I know growing up means: "learning from your mistakes."
But no matter how you look at it, I still thought in the back of my mind: "What if Jamie was a murderer?"
And for that reason alone, some times I doubt I'll ever grow up.
_____________
Decided to finally watch Season three, but seriously? Thirteen episodes? What a rip off!
Ah well, least there's more ponies and less drama.
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June 14th 2013, June 15th 2013, June 16th 2013
Ok, this is just weird, I think my computer has a virus or something because youtube is just broken.
Now for whatever reason, every other site works fine but that one.
I hope its just a fluke and youtubes doing another lame site update again.
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Well its not a fluke unfortunately. The virus is still on there and I can't get it off for the life of me.
And to make matters worse, J.T was cutting again today.
I gave him a good yell though so that oughta make him think twice. I just hope I wasn't too hard on him.
Now that I think about it, he looked like he was crying when I left. Crap.
___________
Shit! Shit! Shit!
I thought it was just youtube but its every video site I can find!
Veoh, Vimeo, Blimp TV, everywhere!
Now how am I supposed to watch ponies!?
This is fucking bullshit! Ugh!
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June 22nd 2013, June 23rd 2013, June 24th 2013
Wow, I feel so stupid right now. I just over reacted to a pop up scare on a download site for some pony episodes.
And it was so dumb too. Guess that's what I get for going to a foreign site with the "Return of Harmony" episodes.
Seriously, the pop up was nothing more then Discord with his eyes replaced with that stupid, Zalgo rip off darkness in his eyes and his toothy grin. There was even a scream for good measure.
Either way, the trick worked because I fucking screamed and defensively pushed my monitor off my desk.
The monitor surprisingly was ok except for one huge crack but other then that it still works like a charm.
God that was so lame though, its not even near Halloween yet for God sakes!
______________
Well, the episodes work, thank God. Despite that bullshit scare prank and really? That's the only good thing this entire week.
Because I found out that J.T's dad got out of jail recently and Jamie suffered a really bad mental break down.
Why I wasn't informed sooner was probably my fault. Instead of yelling at J.T I should have asked why he began cutting again. Let alone wondered on Jamie's absence for a few days. Mom says I wouldn't have known but technically I could have if I just listened.
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Usually I'm not one to discuss dreams but, lately, they've just been... weird.
Now, I don't say that lightly. No, its not drug inducing or anything and its far from any nightmares I've ever had.
I think its just, I feel, followed. By what I'm not sure, although I do know its not human.
But again, its not scary looking or anything. I just feel watched
Now that I think about it, I probably should be more scared then curious and intrigued but hey, its a dream and dreams can't hurt ya.
I should know, I had a dream of being kidnapped by aliens once when I was little and I was more then just "watched".
Needless to say I had to get a few cuddles from mom but, pffft, like I'll ever admit that to anyone.
Anyways, I saw Jamie today, she looked like shit. Like, really looked like shit. She was paler then a ghost!
I did my best to help her but she said very few things to me when I asked anything simple. Some times, she would even just stare.
Even J.T's getting a little unnerved by her.
Better ask what happened AFTER she gets to feeling ok again.
April 11th 2013, April 13th 2013
Not sure what to write here other then say how badly I miss watching MLP and how much I want to kill Angie's dad for being such a lowlife.
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Wow, I guess it didn't take me long to forget what I was supposed to write about. Good going Jacob, you'll become an old timer in no time!
Thankfully I always re-read my journal entries, well ok, not always, but most of the time.
So right, Angie's dad.
Well, the guy's a piece of scum honestly. I only know the basic's since Angie doesn't talk about him much.
So lets see what I can write... Well for one, he's a drunk. He abused Angie and her mom, till I think the age of ten and then they had the divorce.
Angie said he drank because of his hard past.
To be honest here, I don't care how bad his life was, taking it out on Angie and her mom for it is just too much for me. If I saw that prick now, I'd give him all the scar's he gave Angie, with a few extra broken teeth.
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April 22nd 2013, April 23rd 2013, April 24th 2013
Boy, I always come back to this thing no matter what. Guess its now really my diary.
I mean, after eight pages of secret confessions, I think its safe to assume so.
Mom says shes proud of me for writing more, so hey, what the hell, I'll go through with it.
You my friend are now permanently by my bed side.
________
Nothing much happened today, just same ol' boring school, same ol' boring classes and same ol' boring life.
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Same life, new surprises! I just found out Jamie likes My Little Pony!
As for how I found out was by accident though, I apparently was doodling a pony unknowingly on my paper while I was listening to the teacher give her usual speeches. I guess I missed the show more then I thought.
Either way, Jamie saw my picture and she pointed at it, whispering loudly with these big eyes.
"That's Twilight Sparkle!" She said.
And yet all I could do was look at the picture, then at her, simply saying: "Yes, yes it is."
And she just flashed that lovable smirk at me.
Lord, I think I'm in love.
Man, talk about a crummy present, a notebook? What the heck am I going to do with this? Complain? Oh, right, I'm already doing that.
Well, might as well put my name in here if I intend to complain in it as much as possible.
Hi, my name is Jacob. Yeah, yeah, I know, lamest name ever, but hey its something. Much better then Toto anyways.
I have about three close friends, one girl named Angie, who I swear is secretly a boy, what with her amazing spitting skills.
Then there's my best friend J.T, which is short for Johnny Trecola. Thus why we gave him just J.T, I mean, dang, so embarrassing.
And last but not least is Jamie, the sexiest woman on two legs. (Well ok, girl, but I swear her attitude screams adult to me.)
Anyways I'm about sixteen, pretty close to adult honestly but not really, I know I'll get there though, especially since Jamie believes I will.
She's so kind sometimes.
Ok, now I know I'm obsessed. I already finished season 1 just under a few days. This is insane!
I keep trying to figure out why I like it so much, but the only thing I can think of is how some of the ponies remind me of my friends.
Like Jamie, she's totally Twilight Sparkle, heck, even when I first met her she acted the same way as Twilight! But thankfully we became friends without needing to stop Nightmare Moon.
Angie on the other hand is like Applejack, never afraid to get dirty and always rough and tough, Its only when you really get to know her that she has such a kind and concerned heart inside.
Then of course J.T. Which funnily enough, I found out was Fluttershy (or Butterscotch in this case). He may act tough and playful but the guys easily afraid, then again I can't blame, like I said, he's got a few demon's he's conquering from his past. But the one thing that truly seals the deal on him being Fluttershy is his kindness.
The guy actually visited me every day once when I was puking my guts out with the flu. Always bringing me stuff to read or do so I wasn't bored.
As for me? I like to consider myself either as Spike or Rainbow Dash.
Rainbow for my constant need to race and well look cool. That and obviously for loyalty, since I always do my best to be there for my friends.
Spike because, well, Jamie's my Twilight Sparkle.
...And maybe also because she's my Rarity.
May 18th 2013, May 21st 2013, May 23rd 2013
Slowly but surely, things are getting back to normal and Thank God too because I was beginning to think Angie wouldn't trust me again.
But now, we're all in this together, we all enjoy the show and personally, I like to think its brought us closer.
Heck, thanks to J.T, I'm watching Season 2 faster then I was watching Season 1! How is that even possible!?
____________
Damn! I think we just beat a record on watching MLP, season 2!
J.T and I soared through the episodes like nothing!
And don't get me started on the villains for this season, Discord and Chrysalis have got to be the coolest caracters in the whole show! It's no wonder they're everywhere you turn when you're watching ponies online.
J.T of course hated them though, considering how manipulative they both are, then again, like Fluttershy, I wouldn't be surprised if he was afraid of his own shadow.
Also, is it just me? Or is J.T smiling more lately?
____________
You know, as close as I feel to my friends, I can't help but feel weary of Jamie, I mean, I still care about her but the story just doesn't add up.
Yes I'm going back to that, try and stop me.
If she really killed her big sister in the pool by age sixteen, doesn't that mean she could become a rel murderer?
Perhaps I'm just over thinking things but yet, I still feel scared.
Oh geeze, what am I saying? Jamie's so sweet, there's no way she'd feel good killing her sister or she wouldn't have a fear of the water.
Then again, looking at her and how she acts, she doesn't seem that phased by it.
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June 8th 2013, June 12th 2013, June 13th 2013
Well, I did it. I figured out the giant puzzle about Jamie.
As to how I came to my conclusion, is not what I want to relive in my memories.
Because I refuse to ever see Jamie so broken down into tears again.
But, turns out I was right (again), Jamie felt like the responsible one in the family and was pushing herself to drastic adult measures in order to be it. Which in basic terms mean: She spent more time growing up then being a kid.
Now I know I want to grow up but this day really taught me to enjoy my life as much as possible.
And even though I know that most people see MLP as childish, I think its time we realize, there's nothing wrong in having fun.
No matter the shape and form of it.
____________
Finished Season three of MLP. Wasn't as amazing as the first two seasons but still fun.
Took longer to watch this season, only because of my friends issues lately.
Especially with Jamie, ever since she told me what happened with her sister, her strong personality had faltered rather dramatically.
She cries more now and even has missed more days of school lately.
Maybe the realization of what happened is finally taking effect on her?
This sucks, I miss the old Jamie, least she didn't cry so much.
____________
Boy, I sure am more of a jerk lately in these entries. What the heck is wrong with me? Poor Jamie's hurting and I'm telling her to get over it!
Thank God this paper sees all the terrible things in my head and no one else...
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June 17th 2013, June 19th 2013, June 20th 2013
Have you ever felt so completely boned that you just give up on life? Well that's me right now Diary because I've had it up to here.
I got a guy to come over and look at my computer but he said there was no virus! He did everything he could but nothing he did fixed the problem!
This, adding in with J.T and Jamie I just can't think right now, I want to just sleep and never wake up!
So I give up, I'm just not even going to look at the stupid machine until I can find out a plan to fix it.
Either that or buy a new one.
Ugh, I'm just so fed up with this week.
____________
Ok, so, I figured out a way to watch the videos and that's by downloading them.
Yeah yeah, risky as hell I know but come on damn it! I'm not going to live without my videos.
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Can't sleep, worried about Jamie and J.T. They've been more quiet then usual.
Did I do something wrong? Did I yell at J.T too hard? Does Jamie regret telling me about Jessica?
God damn it, I want answers!
Of course, yelling at a piece of paper isn't "really" going to give me that.
Shit, when's the last time I wrote about Angie? Not that I feel a dead line in this book to write about her but another part of me feels its vacant without more of her in here.
I don't know why I feel so obligated to talk about my friends so much in this journal though.
I guess I just worry too much and when there's no one to go to, what better way to let it out but through a diary? Either that or I feel like the journal really lives and what not. Which would be dumb by the way.
Ugh, I'm rambling.
Anyways, Angie, right, Angie. She's doing better then the rest, if not maybe feeling perfect. As for why, you got me. Everything thats been going on should prove otherwise but she just seems to "shine" as of late.
Oh and Jamie's talking more and gaining some color again. Thank God, I was starting to feel responsible. As to why, I'm not sure.
Seems I haven't been sure of anything lately.
Time for more ponies to cheer me up then I guess!
+++
Ok, I know I just made an entry today but I just woke up from another dream with that following figure and I think I know who it is now!
Its just a guess though but I'm almost certain it was Discord!
Again, I don't know for sure but each night that figure is around the corner of my eye and I fucking swear he gets closer or something. Like, not a foot closer or whatever but by an inch. As if he's playing a game with me.
I'd be bothered by this but if its true its Discord, then this would be the first I've dreamt of ponies.
I actually kinda hope it is him because, well, to be honest he's just the most interesting character on the show if not the most fun to think about.
He has so much potential as his villainous self if not cool for being voiced by John De Lancie! I mean, who doesn't like John!? Seriously?
But I digress, sleep is calling my name and I've ranted enough. Here's to a good sleep. Maybe some more Discord too.
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June 26th 2013, June 27th 2013, June 28th 2013
Jamie is still sick looking but those days of rest before hand must have really helped more then I imagined. She's starting to laugh! Now usually Jamie does laugh but not by much but today, I saw her laugh more then ever!
Like seeing a kid grow within her.
Which couldn't make me happier because I'd forgotten how much I missed that smile, let alone giggle from her.
Now I just gotta focus on calming J.T down about his now free living father.
Wish me luck.
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Saw Angie hanging out with this new girl lately, not by much at first but now more then ever.
Not really sure if maybe thats because I've been busy worrying over Jamie and just had no time for Angie but hey, any friend of Angie's is a friend of mine.
I'll try and make myself known to her tomorrow, although I swear, she looks familiar somehow. Then again they do look-a-like a bit so maybe its just the clothes.
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Ok, seriously, I'm beyond confused and lost right now.
So to be frank: I did realize who she was, Angie's friend that is. She basically was that bitch lesbian I had a fight with a year ago or so. As to her name or what we fought over, I can't really remember on it. All I do know is how much of a queer she is and how proudly she displays it, its beyond sickening.
Anyways when I clearly stated that, Angie gave me a rather hurt and pissed off look. I know I shouldn't judge her friends (Hell I like ponies) but I don't want her corrupting her thinking or something.
But either way, thats where it ended because the bitch backed off and well, so did Angie because she ran away. Ever since, I haven't seen her all day. I mean, I'm sorry but I won't let that freak hurt my friends.
No way, no how.