Chapters She found him while she was on her regular walks through the forest. He was just lying there, sleeping, so big, so hairy, and so horrifying. And yet she was so mesmerized by the giant hairy creature that she had to take it home with her. It was unlike anything she had seen in the world before. She approached it slowly, with caution, until one of her legs broke a twig. The crackling sound had awoken the creature from his slumber, much to Lyra’s dismay.
Surprisingly, the creature did not instantly attack her. The monster threw dirt and small rocks at the unicorn, making loud hooting sounds to add effect. Lyra took note that the creature was throwing its arms at her, probably to shoo her away. Poor thing, she thought to herself. She took foal steps toward the creature, who cautiously backed away from her.
“Don’t be scared,” Lyra said, “I’m not going to hurt you.” When the unicorn reached her forearm out, the hairy beast curled in a fetal position and covered its head. She brought her arm back, and thought of another way to gain the monster’s trust. Her face brightened along with her horn. With her magic she levitated a bag of trail mix from her saddlebag. Lyra approached the terrified creature once more with a friendly smile. “Look. See? Yum-yum,” she said as though she were talking to a baby. The monster let go of his head, fascinated by the bag of dried fruits and nuts that floated in front of his face. The beast, though still cautious of this strange creature before him, slowly held out his palms. Lyra graciously gave the hairy giant her bag of trail mix, and she watched him consume the entire bag.
It wasn’t long until Lyra thought it would be a good idea to bring it into her home. Well, it was actually Bon-Bon’s home, her roommate. However, the idea of having this mysterious creature inside their home was such a thrill to her. On one of her leisurely walks through the forest where she first met the creature, she spotted him once again eating fruits from the trees around him. This time, she created a trail of chocolate that led from the beginning of the forest to where the beast was while taking her usual stroll.
Once the trail was completed, it was time to get the monster’s attention. “Psst,” she whispered, but there was no answer. “Psst! PSST!” The monster was so focused on eating its breakfast, it never took time to notice that somepony was calling it. “Hey, you! Big hairy thing,” Lyra whispered loudly. She grew frustrated to the point where she threw a rock at the back of its head. The monster roared, feeling a lump on the back of his skull. It threatening whoever had the audacity to disturb his feeding time. The unicorn hid behind the bushes before the hairy beast could spot her. When the monster jumped on the trail, he paused, and found tiny brown dots by its large feet. It scratch it hairy head and beard, knelt down and took a sniff at the dots. The tiny dots had a peculiar smell to them, almost like the cocoa beans it found in the forest a few months ago. The monster’s large fingers picked up one of the dots and put it in its mouth.
“Mmmmm,” growled the monster. When the spherical shaped morsel melted in its mouth, he found another chocolate dot. And another. And another. It ate them one by one, following the trail Lyra had set up for it. From behind the bushes the unicorn giggled to herself.
The monster was led through the end of the forest, away from his home - not that it didn’t mind. The beast was content of having to pick up pieces of the delicious dots from the ground. Then, it ate the last piece. The monster jumped and stomped its feet, and screamed and roared. It beat its chest with its huge fists, demanding more of the chocolate dots. He stopped when he saw a huge wooden box being supported by a stick, with rope tied around it. “YUM YUM” was written across the box. Excited, the monster jumped inside of the box and searched for its prize.
Darkness fell upon him. Before the monster could push the box off of it, Lyra used her magic to contain the trap. She could hear it yell and pound the box with his hands. The more she tried to contain it, the more violent the monster inside the box had become. I can’t believe I did this, Lyra thought to herself. She tried to life the box with her magic, but it was too heavy. So she settled to shove the box until she got home. “Well, off we go,” she said to the monster, who was still yelling and beating the box.
The monster had stopped yelling and resisting after an excruciating period of being trapped in the box. Lyra managed to make it into the town square with the box intact. Feeling exhausted, she decided to stop and take a break. The unicorn sat on top of the box, breathing like a dog that was left outside on a hot summer day. “Okay, now just a few more ways to go and we’re home,” she said to herself and the box. She levitated a water bottle from her saddlebag and took a nice long drink to hydrate herself.
“Hey Lyra,” a deep masculine voice called out. Macintosh Apple, also known as Big Mac to his family and peers, was standing in front of Lyra with a confused look on his face. “Hey Mac,” Lyra said back, “lovely weather we’re having, aren’t we?”
“Yep,” answered Mac. He noticed the huge box Lyra was sitting on in the middle of the street. Mac also saw her mane drenched over her gold eyes, sweat trickling down from her head, breathing heavily. “What’s with the box?”
“Oh this thing? Some jerk dropped it over at the forest,” she lied. “Had to walk all the way down there to get it. I’m just trying to get it back to my house.”
“Would ya like some help,” Mac asked. Lyra was thinking how she would answer him. She can’t have him know there is a monster inside the box. What if it woke up all of a sudden and started attacking everypony. The monster wasn’t moving much, but she would have to take it to her home before it wakes. “Yeah Sure.” Lyra got off the box, and allowed Mac to lift the heavy wooden cube from the ground. He held it over his back like Atlas holding the sky on his shoulders. He never knew how heavy the thing was. The weight of the box was pushing him down by a tiny bit, but he managed to hold on his own. While the two were walking, Mac heard a strange noise coming from inside the box, one of a animalistic variety.
“What was that?” asked Macintosh.
“What was what?”
“It sounded like something was growling,” said Mac. “What’s in this thing?”
“Oh that wasn’t the box. That was… my stomach. Yeah. I’ve been out all day, I haven’t even ate breakfast.” Lyra put on her best smile so Macintosh would not suspect anything. The growling noise continued again, louder and audible this time, which prompted Lyra to say, “Oh, there’s my stomach again… I can’t wait to get some lunch.”
“You better not be hiding something in the box Lyra,” Macintosh warned. “Remember last time when Rainbow Dash kept a secret box, and Pinkie Pie went crazy?”
“I try to forget.”
In a short time, the two finally made it to Bon-Bon and Lyra’s home. Relieved that this daunting task was finished, Macintosh removed the heavy box from his back and dropped it on the ground. However, he heard a growl-like yelp from the box.
“Are you sure there ain’t anything in there?” he asked.
“I’m telling you Mac, there is nothing inside this box,” said Lyra, “I promise you.” The monster in the box was still making low, but audible noises. The unicorn used one of her front hooves to hit the box, in which the monster let out another yelp. “Thank you for your Mac, I think I can take it from here.”
“You sure?”
“Positive.”
“Hmm,” Mac said as he furrowed his brow. “Alright then, see ya later.”
“See you later! And tell Applejack I said hi!” When Macintosh was out of sight, Lyra jumped to the other side of the box. She extended her forearms and proceeded to shove the box inside the front door. Unfortunately, the box was too wide to fit inside the small opening. While Lyra was figuring out a way to accomplish her task, the monster was banging on the back, yelling and screaming and roaring. “Calm down! I’m thinking of something,” Lyra yelled. She sat on top of the box, with her forearm on her chin, like a thinking mare. The monster grew increasingly impatient, and began to shake the box. Lyra realized that this matter could no longer wait. She jumped off the box and stood in front of the side facing the front door. “Hey, monster guy?” she asked. “If I let you out, will you be a good… monster and not yell so much?” The pounding of the inside and a ferocious roar was the only answer the monster could give. “I’ll take that as a yes.”
Lyra removed the top of the box and the beast emerged from the inside. The creature was free, but now he had a hunger for vengeance. The minty-coated unicorn could see the flames in the beast’s furious eyes. The creature released a earth-shattering roar in front of her face. The frightened unicorn ran inside the house, and backed up to a wall, too paralyzed to move anywhere else. The hairy giant from the deepest part of the forest had her cornered. There was nothing she could do… but close her eyes. With a final warcry, the beast charged at the helpless unicorn, arms opened, hands ready to strike, his revenge would be complete…
… If only he had watched out for the roller skate that was lying on the floor. The clumsy giant’s foot slid on the mobile footwear, which sent him rolling across the hallway. He let out a terrified scream before colliding into a room. Lyra ran to the location where he had his crash-landing. He was in the kitchen, the table turned over, dinner plates shattered on the floor, and the monster lying on his back. Little monsters with angel wings were flying around his head.
“... You okay?”
Soon after a period of unconsciousness, the hairy monster found himself lying on a small bed. His long legs were hanging over the edge, and the blanket could barely cover his entire body. The walls were coated in a mixture of light-blue with cyan green, which somehow gave him a worse headache than before. The monster looked out the window to see that it was still daylight. On the left side of the monster, he heard a ticking sound that was bothering him. He grabbed what was making the annoying sound, a weird circle with strange markings that formed a circle on the inside. He put the cold metal circle on the side of his face, then he played with it with his fingers.
The metal circle ranged and chimed loudly. The monster felt the vibrations on his hairy palms, and hastily tried to remove it from his hands. He threw the circle on the bed, but the ringing would not cease. He growled and roared, and covered his ears with his large hands.
“Oh good, you’re awake,” Lyra said. She came in the room with a tray of teacups and a teapot. “I hope you like herbal tea,” she chimed.
The beast could no longer bare the constant ringing of the evil circle, so he grabbed the object and threw it into the wooden floor. The circle was shattered into tiny pieces of cogs and bolts. “Oh no!” Lyra gasped, “You broke Bon-Bon’s clock!” The monster performed his celebratory pounding of his chest. Lyra placed the tea set on a dresser and magically summoned a broom and dustpan. “You shouldn’t have done that,” she chastised, “you don’t break things that don’t belong to you.” The monster growled frustratingly in response.
“I’m going to have to teach you some manners,” Lyra said as she dumped the pieces of the clock into the waste bin. “But first, let’s have some tea. You had a long morning, and I want to make it up to you.” She used her magic to pour tea into a small teacup, and levitated it to the monster. The beast stared at the white glass cup that was floated in front of him. “Go on, take it,” said Lyra, “it won’t bite.” It took him a few tries before he actually held the teacup in his hand. When he looked inside the cup, all he saw was a steaming tan liquid with an odd smell. “That’s tea,” said Lyra. “You drink it like this -” she placed the cup on her mouth and took a small sip. “Now you try.” The monster slowly brought the white cup into his mouth, and like the unicorn who captured him, he took a drank of the contents inside.
He immediately spat out the tea and waved his hand over his tongue, while making a series of painful grunts. “Too hot?” Lyra asked. He jumped out of the bed and ran out of the room, searching desperately for anything that would cool his tongue. It was not long until he found the bathroom. He ran toward the sink, but had no idea of how the darn thing worked. So he went to the toilet and drank out of it. “Monster?” Lyra called out from the hall. “There you are. You were suppose to take small sips, not drink the whole thing.” The monster grunted and made frantic hand gestures around his mouth, then pointed to the toilet. “You drank from the toilet? Monster, you’re not a dog. Well, you are big and hairy like one.” The hairy beast growled and snarled at the little unicorn’s remark. Lyra back out of the bathroom, but she quickly gained her composure. “Okay monster, enough fooling around. Come on, we got more stuff to do.” She grabbed his hand and led him out of the bathroom. “I don’t know what your name is, so I’m going to call you… hmmm, you have large feet. I’m going to call you Sasquatch.”
Lyra held her forearm to her face and looked at her watch. It read 12:45 p.m. - just enough time for her to find clothes and other things for the monster before Bon-Bon came home. “Sasquatch, in a few minutes I’m going to town to find stuff for you,” Lyra told the giant. “I’m going to show you a few things around the house, but when I’m gone I want you to be on your best behavior. Do you understand? Sasquatch?”
He was gone. She heard low grunts coming from one of the rooms on the top floor. When she entered the room he was in, she found articles of clothing scattered all around the floor. Sasquatch was inside the closet, throwing them across the floor. The monster emerged from the closed with a pair of undergarments in his hands, which he then placed over his head. “Hey!” Lyra yelled. She levitated the underwear from him and slapped his hand. “That’s not for you!” He snarled at the mint-green unicorn. Lyra put on a stern expression and said, “Seriously Sasquatch, you have to behave while I’m gone.”
Sasquatch and Lyra traveled downstairs and into the kitchen. While he was unconscious earlier, she glued the broken glass plates together as well as the table. Hopefully Bon-Bon won’t notice, Lyra thought to herself. “Okay, listen up. There’s food in the fridge,” she said as she pointed to the refrigerator. “There’s leftover mac and cheese and creamed spinach. You just need to heat it up using the microwave, which is this thing -” She pointed to a square which had the same strange markings as the clock he destroyed. “You just press the numbers and it lights up and the heats them.” She then led him out of the kitchen and into the living room. As they were walking, Lyra saw the rollerskate he slipped on not too long ago. She picked it up with her magic and threw it in the closet next to her. Lyra and the monster stood between a couch and a small television set. “And if you get bored, there’s a TV you can watch,” she said pointed to the medium sized black box. Sasquatch leaned close and knocked on the glass a few times.
“Here, let me show you.” Lyra levitated the TV remote and press the big red button on the top. The monster jumped right out of his fury skin when he saw two smaller ponies on the box. He screamed loudly at the ponies who were smiling at him for some reason. He grabbed for the nearest blunt object he could find and prepared to kill the ponies trapped inside the magic box. However, Lyra quickly turned it off, and monster was once again amazed by their disappearance. “I can see you’re not a TV pony,” she joked. She took a look at her watch, and it read 12:55 p.m. Bon-Bon would not be home by 3:30, which gave her enough time to think of way to hide him.
“Okay Sasquatch, I’ll be gone for a little while, so I want you to stay here,” Lyra commanded. “Don’t open the door for anypony, okay? Not until I get back.” She grabbed her purse, giving one last look at the confused creature. “Behave.” Lyra took her steps out of the house, leaving the hairy giant alone this strange new world.
While Lyra was walking, she took the time to think about how she was going to explain to Bon-Bon about their unexpected houseguest. I could tell her he’s a cousin with from out of town and has an extreme hair growth disorder, she thought to herself. “And if she asks how he is standing on two feet, I could just say he… entered the next stage in evolution?” she asked herself. “No no, I can’t say that, that wouldn’t make any sense.”
The thrift shop was in view. She’ll have time to think about this later, right now it was time to buy a disguise for Sasquatch. Inside the shop there were rows and rows of old and used shirts, pants, hats, everything Lyra needed. She bought a nice looking member’s only jacket, a cool looking fedora, a multicolored scarf, a bow tie, a propeller hat, an “I’m with Stupid” T-shirt - and it was all for fifteen bits!
With her thrift shop adventure out of the way, Lyra thought it was a good time to stop by the Ponyville Library. There might be some useful books about all this, she thought to herself. The unicorn let herself, and was greeted by a certain purple unicorn.
“Hello Lyra,” said Twilight.
“What’s up Twilight,” said Lyra.
“Just the ceiling. And my telescope.”
“Very funny,” Lyra said. “This morning I found a… stray dog while taking a walk and I wanted to adopt him. Do you have any books on how to take care of dogs?”
“A stray dog?”
“Yeah, a stray dog. When I found him he was so… helpless and confused. I thought I’d be doing a good thing if I gave him a place to live,” she said. “Who knows how long that dog might have spent in the forest all on his lonesome.”
“Are you sure Bon-Bon is okay with you bringing animals in the house?” Twilight asked. “Remember what happened last time you brought home a strange animal without her permission? You ended up stealing precious jewels from Canterlot.”
“Hey! How was I supposed to know that cat belonged to an evil mastermind? Anyway, is there a good book on dog care?”
“There was, but the last one was checked out a couple of days ago, and the estimate wait is two weeks.”
“Two weeks?” Lyra asked incredulously. “But I can’t wait that long!”
“I’m very sorry, Lyra, but that’s the only thing you can do now. How about watching the Animal Channel and watch shows about dogs - or better yet, talk to Fluttershy, she knows a lot about caring for canines.”
“Fluttershy, of course! Thanks Twi, and I have to go now.”
“You’re welcome. Oh, and Lyra, what’s with the bag of used clothes?”
“These? I’m just trying out different styles, you know, for fun.”
“Does this have anything to do with… ?”
“Believe me, I am over that,” Lyra said seriously. “I’m interested in aliens now.”
“Aliens?! But they’re… how can you... at least you got over your obsession.”
“Yep.”
“Well, good-bye Lyra.”
The trip to Twilight’s home didn’t go as plan, but at least she knew what to do now. When she looked at her watch it read 1:35. She figured she could at least drop by Fluttershy’s home and have a conversation about taking care of dogs, even if there was never an actual dog in the equation.
Sasquatch was still not sure of how the magic box worked. He looked all the sides, the glass screen, and examined the little colored snakes that connected to the back of it. All day he tried to see the little ponies who were trapped inside the box, so he could fight them and chase them away. He banged the magic box with his fists, but the ponies refuse to come out. He also yelled and growled at it a few times, but there was still no response. Angered by their insolence, he threw the short magic stick at the black box. The ponies reappeared once more, which the hair-covered beast jump on the couch in fright.
“We now return to Honey Fru-Fru, on the Learning Network!” the disembodied voice told him. The monster’s scream bellowed throughout the house at the most horrific sight. The magic box showed him an ugly little filly, her face covered in a horrendous amount of makeup that was offensive to the eyes.
“I’m Honey Fru-Fru, and I’m gonna be a beauty queen!” the filly proclaimed. “I eat ‘sketti and butter e’ryday, and I don’t give two flanks about it, marefriend!”
The beast let out an agonizing roar and picked up the talking box. With brute force he tossed the box through a glass window. He celebrated his victory by pounding his chest and throwing his arms in the air, yelling at the heavens above. In the midst of his victory screech, there was a knock at the door. “Hello? Lyra, are you okay?” the voice behind the door asked. “I saw the TV being thrown out the window. Did you lose the lottery again?” Sasquatch marched toward the door and swung it open. He greeted the pony in front of him with loud menacing grunts. “Yipe!” the pony yelled. Like a bolt of lightning, the frightened pony dashed away from the house. The satisfied savage returned to his animalistic activities.
“Thanks, Fluttershy,” said Lyra. She waved the pegasus good-bye and exited her home with a list of things she needed to do to take care of a dog, or in this case, Sasquatch. According to her watch it was now 2:35 p.m. She would have left earlier if Fluttershy had not insisted that have tea together. At least she had enough time to make it back home before Bon-Bon returned from work. Suddenly, she paused during her trot home. Lyra looked at the pile of clothes she carried on her saddlebag, and the list of dog caring necessities on her hoof.
“Wait a minute,” Lyra said to herself. “I’m trying to dress him up like an ordinary pony, even though he stands on two legs, but I’m also treating him like a pet dog…” She tried to add this factors together, but the resulting equation did not match up. “I think I need to have a chat with my inner filly.” Lyra closed her eyes for ten seconds. When she open them, a smaller version of herself appeared in front of her. “Little Lyra,” Big Lyra said, “I need some advice.”
“What is it,” Little Lyra asked.
“A few weeks ago, I found a big hairy monster in the forest and I visited whenever I went for a walk. This morning I set a trap for it, knocked it out by accident, even though it wasn’t directly my fault, and now he living in my - uh, I mean Bon-Bon’s house. I purchased these clothes from the thrift shop to dress him up, but I also went to Fluttershy for dog caring advice, and to be honest these two things I’ve done don’t add up. What am I doing wrong?”
“... I don’t know,” Little Lyra answered. “I guess holding him against his will is wrong.”
“Should I let him go?”
“No.”
“So I should keep him trapped in our house and strip him of his dignity, despite the fact that I acknowledge that it’s wrong?”
“... Yes.”
“Okay. Thank you, filly version of me that lives in my head.” Little Lyra returned to the part of Lyra’s mind that projected images she wanted to see. “She’s right, foal-napping somepony is A-OK, as long as I acknowledge that it’s wrong.”
Lyra wasn’t even a few inches from the front door, and she could already tell that something was wrong. She gasped in horror when she saw the broken TV sitting on the emerald lawn. “Oh no,” she whispered. Lyra ran frantically to the front door, and entered her house to see the living room destroyed. She was in a state of shock, her mouth hung opened. Lyra heard clashing sounds coming from kitchen, followed by an angry snarl. When she ran to see what it was, she found Sasquatch with his hand stuck in a cookie jar. On top of that, the sink was overflowing with water, broken eggshells and dinner plates were scattered across the floor and the table was once again turned over itself. “Sasquatch!” Lyra yelled, “what are you doing?!” He roared at Lyra when he could not free his hand from the cookie jar. He dashed toward a counter top and smashed the jar into pieces, freeing his hand and releasing the chocolate chip cookies. “Stop that!” Lyra yelled again. “Look what you did! Bon-Bon is going to home soon! I ask you to behave yourself, and you managed to destroy the TV and obliterate the kitchen! What am I going to tell her now?!”
“Rrrrarrrghh!” was all he could say. He marched out of the kitchen for another misadventure. He yelled in pain when Lyra threw a baseball at the back of his head. “Oh no, you’re not going anywhere!” she told him. “First, you are going to put these on!” She tossed the thrift shop clothes at the his. “Afterward, you are going to help me clean this mess up!” The monster answered back in the form of a teethful growl. Lyra threw another baseball that struck him in the face. “Go on, put on those clothes! I said now!”
Another long day of work was over for Bon-Bon. The cream-colored pony wanted nothing more than to relax in her own home. “What a day,” she said to herself. “I hope Lyra hadn’t gone out and done anything stupid. She should really consider finding a job.”
She thought about what the two were going to have for dinner, maybe some that leftover macaroni and cheese and creamed spinach. Bon-Bon might still have those fresh potatoes to make stew. She’ll probably have a chance to teach Lyra how to cook. Bon-Bon hummed a happy tune to herself when she only a few inches away from the front door. Upon inspection, she came upon a terrible sight - the front glass window was shattered. “Oh no!” she whispered. Bon-Bon sprinted inside the house and saw that the TV was missing.
“Lyra!” she yelled. “Lyra, where are you?! What happened to the window and the TV?!” she asked frantically.
“Bon-Bon?” somepony called from upstairs. Lyra ran downstairs and greeted Bon-Bon with a carefree smile, acting as though nothing out of the ordinary had happened. “Welcome home. How was work?”
“What happened?!”
“Oh, that?” Lyra said, looking at the empty spot where the TV was and the broken window. “... I lost the lottery. Again. Sorry.”
“Honestly Lyra, is winning the lottery that important to you?!”
“Not always. I have tons of things that are important to me. Like oxygen… and the earth… and Groundhog Day.”
“Remind me to call a repairpony tomorrow,” Bon-Bon sighed. “I’m going upstairs to recuperate myself.”
Bon-Bon carried herself up the steps, while Lyra remained still in the living room. She waited for something to happen in a few seconds, if not minutes. Lyra had this scenario play out in her head throughout the day, and she already had an idea of what she going to say. She observe the second hand on her hoofwatch tick away the time. She could hear Bon-Bon opening up the door to their bedroom. “3… 2… 1.”
“LYRA, THERE’S A MONSTER IN THE HOUSE!”
A Really Dumb Thing That Happened
Bon-Bon and Sasquatch were engaged in a contest to determined which one of them could scream the loudest. If there were judges available, they would probably give Bon-Bon a 8.5 and Sasquatch a 10.0, maybe even higher.
To afraid to continue the match any longer, Bon-Bon ran out of the room and shut the door behind her. She panted in rapid motion, her heart felt as though it was about to burst from her chest. She could hear Sasquatch run amok in their room, possibly breaking things and yelling. “Lyra, help me!” she yelled.
“Bon-Bon!” Lyra called out as she approached her roommate. “Calm down, Bon-Bon, just take deep breaths.”
“How can I calm down?!” she yelled. “There’s a big hairy monster in our room! How did he get here?!”
“I was meaning to tell you something…”
“That you brought another strange animal into my house?!” she asked angrily.
“No, that’s my… cousin, from Hoofington Valley. He’s visiting for a while,” she said with a weak smile.
“You expect me to believe that… that thing is a family member of your’s?!”
“It’s a long story, I’ll tell you about it later, but right now I need you to help me to calm him down. He doesn’t like yelling, screaming, or loud noises. If one pony screams then he screams. It’s a problem he had since third grade.” Bon-Bon raised her forearms and aimed them at Lyra’s neck. She stopped when she the loud yelling of Sasquatch and the clattering increased. Lyra could see a huge vein throb on Bon-Bon’s forehead. She gained her composure and the two ponies slowly opened the door to find Sasquatch running around and throwing random objects across the room. Bon-Bon’s right eye twitched as she gritted her teeth.
“Hey big guy, calm down,” Lyra said, putting both of her hooves on the monster. Sasquatch refused to obey her order, and carried on his destruction of the bedroom. “Lyra, if you don’t calm that thing down, so help me I’ll--” Lyra ran out of the room, leaving poor Bon-Bon alone with Sasquatch. “Lyra come back here! Don’t leave me here with him!” A minute later, the unicorn came back levitating a whistle. She inhaled a large amount of oxygen and blew on the it. Bon-Bon could not hear anything, but it was affecting the monster. Sasquatch covered his ears and trembled on the floor in pain. Then she levitated a chocolate cookie, which floated in front of his face.
“You want this?” Lyra asked. Sasquatch stopped scream and let his pupils follow the floating cookie. “Lyra, what are you doing?” Bon-Bon asked. She gave no response, keeping her focus on controlling Sasquatch. “Will you behave for me,” Lyra asked him. Sasquatch tried to reach for the cookie until Lyra used a fly swatter to slap his hand. He growled in pain, but she would not have any of it. “Behave! Then you can have cookie!” Sasquatch growled once more, but Lyra held the fly swatter over his face. He stopped growling and stood up straight. “Good boy, here’s the cookie.” Sasquatch grabbed the cookie from Lyra and ate it, and was almost well. “Sasquatch, this is my friend, Bon-Bon. Bon-Bon, this is Cousin Sasquatch.”
“... I see.”
Bon-Bon was going to say something else, but she furrowed her brow. She raised her nose and sniffed the air with a disgusted look on her face. To her horror, she found a brown steaming pile sitting in the corner.
“Wha… is… why is… ?”
“Yeah, while you and Sasquatch were screaming at each other, he literally had the crap scared out of him,” Lyra explained. “It’s another problem he had since third grade.” Bon-Bon’s cream-colored coat turned a sickly green. She dashed out of the room and straight into the bathroom.
“Don’t worry, he says he sorry!”
Apple Bloom was playing with Wynonna the Dog on the bright green grass on the Apple farm while her brother and sister were hard at work. They played a multitude of games that involved the throwing of some kind of object, from a frisbee to a baseball to just a plain stick.
“Come on now, Wynonna,” Apple Bloom playfully said. “Grab the stick! Grab it, grab it!” Wynonna ecstatically leaped circles around the yellow filly. She finally gained her prize when her mouth made contact with the stick. “Good girl!” Apple Bloom said. Wynonna laid on her back and Bloom scratched her furry belly. The dog stood up and gave Apple Bloom the stick back, prompted her to throw it across the field. “Get it for me, Wynonna!” she said. The canine ran toward where the stick was thrown, and disappeared.
“Wynonna? Are ya there?” Apple Bloom asked. Wynonna sure was taking a long time finding the stick. Apple Bloom ran through the the tall grassy field to search for her dog. When she found her, Wynonna was standing perfectly still, staring at the sky. “Wynonna? What’s wrong girl?”
Without a single bark, Wynonna ran from Apple Bloom, going to whatever it was that demanded her attention.
“Wynonna?! Where are ya going?! Wynonna!”
It took a long time for Lyra to reconnect the TV, but she managed to repair the damaged Sasquatch created. “There, good as new,” she said. She retreated to the couch and held the remote with her magic. She pressed the big red button, but the television failed to turn on. “Ah, my favorite show,” she said with content. She laid back, relax and enjoyed watching nothing.
Bon-Bon came stomping down the stairs and glared straight into Lyra’s eyes. The vein was still throbbing on her forehead, not to mention her left eye had not stopped twitching for quite sometime. Lyra tried to smile, but the gravitational force of Bon-Bon extreme frown weighed her down. “Care to explain?” Bon-Bon asked interrogatively.
“Okay. Um… Sasquatch, as I told you earlier is my cousin from Hoofington Valley,” Lyra said. “He’s big and hairy because… his father was a bear, and his mother was a… pony,” she explained through her nervous smile. The glaring face of Bon-Bon made Lyra shift in her seat. “... He’s only visiting for a little while, then he is going back to Hoofington Valley to do… stuff with his parents.”
Bon-Bon gave no response, not even a nod of acknowledgement. The bitterness in her frown grew deeper and deeper.
“... Nothing?”
“You really expect me to believe that creature that is under my roof is some kind of relative of your’s?” Bon-Bon asked angrily. “Do you really expect me to believe that thing has some kind of genetic birth defect due to some idiotic interspecies coupling?! How stupid do you think I am?!” Bon-Bon’s face was touching Lyra’s. The unicorn could feel the scorching fury of her roommate emanating from her, so she shrunk down into size. “Now listen here, Lyra! You are going to tell me the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, or I swear by the Gods of Hasbro I’m going to kick you and that thing out of here!”
Lyra bowed her head and sighed. She sat up from the couch and stood in front of her furious roommate. “Sasquatch, come in here,” she called out. “Sasquatch? Sasquatch?!” she called out again when he did not arrive.
“Oh great, what is it now?!” Bon-Bon asked.
“Don’t worry, he’s probably here somewhere, maybe hiding from you ,” Lyra suggested. She said the last part quietly so Bon-Bon could not hear her. First, Lyra searched for him in the kitchen, maybe trying to find something to eat, but he was not there. Then she ran upstairs to check if he was in any of the rooms. “Lyra, what the heck is going on?!” Bon-Bon asked. “Bon-Bon, please, I’m trying to find him right now,” Lyra responded.
“It’s a small house, Lyra! It can’t be that hard to find him!”
Lyra dashed through all the rooms on the top floor. She could not find the big guy anywhere. She felt herself shaking internally, and her hooves were beginning to sweat. Then she remembered she let him out in the backyard. Feeling relieved, she ran downstairs to the back door. “Sasquatch? Are you here?” she called. The gleaming smile on her face went downward on what had transpired in the backyard. There was a huge Sasquatch-shape whole on the fence.
“Oh boy… “
Sasquatch had never been in a place like this. Everyone here was a horse just the one that captured him. There were many of them in different sizes and colors. Some could fly, others were strong, and some were magical. He wanted to explore this strange new world he was forced in.
His first stop was in a record store. He knocked the glass door down and invited himself in. The store patrons gasped and screamed at the hairy beast that emerged in front of them. As they screamed, he also screamed and shoved the CD shelves on the ground.
“Hey dude, you can’t be in here!” the cashier warned. “This store is for paying customers only!”
Sasquatch would not have any of that. He marched toward the counter and snatched the pony by the collar of his shirt. He threw him across the store and screeched in victory. “That’s it’s dude, I’m calling cops, bro!” the cashier said when he got up. Sasquatch, who now bored of the music store, marched out elsewhere.
When he was outside, ponies everywhere were running for their lives. The running and the screaming gave Sasquatch a headache, so he had no choice but to run and scream as well. “Rrrarrgh!” he yelled.
“Run for your lives!” A mare screamed, “A giant monster is on the loose!” She snatched her children and flee from the town. Sasquatch, hearing the news that their was a monster, did a double take to make sure the monster was not anywhere near him. “Arrrghrr!” he yelled again.
Sasquatch approached a cookie cart that parked itself just outside the shopping center. He banged his fists on the counter, demanding that he have a cookie this instant. “Ugh ugh, oo, awooahaoo!” he grunted. The small pony abandoned his post, leaving Sasquatch to gather as many cookies as he can. He shoved them all in his mouth, and he ran to another destination.
A colt with a propeller hat was eating an ice cream cone when he and Sasquatch crossed paths. They stood still, completely at awe at each other’s appearance. After a pause of bewilderment, Sasquatch snatched the ice cream from the colt’s hooves, and ate it in one gulp, which resulted in a painful brain freeze. “Mama, he stoled my ice cream!” the colt yelled. His mother immediately grabbed him and ran away in fright, leaving Sasquatch on his knees, screaming, trying to unfreeze his brain.
A pink mare was merrily skipping to her heart’s delight, completely oblivious to the chaos that is happening around her. She watched the ponies run the opposite direction she was skipping. “Wow, is there a marathon going on,” she asked herself. She ceased her blissful skipping when she found what was causing all of the reckus. A giant hairy monster was on his knees, his hands on his head, screaming. “Wow! What is that thing?” The monster got on his feet, and ran around in circles. Then he punched a stallion so hard that the stallion in question went flying straight onto a church bell. “Whoa! He’s strong!” The monster shook his fist at the sky, and climbed on top of a building and stood on the roof. He jumped off the roof and landed face first on the ground, then got up and repeated the process ten more times. “Awww, the poor thing wants to fly,” the pink mare said.
She wanted to get close to it, and probably take him to someplace fun. Before she make her move on the monster, he ran to another direction, possibly to spread more terror. “Aw shot! I gotta find that monster! He was so… so… hairy!” She pulled out a flying machine from her backpack and hopped on, peddling so fast that the propellers were in motion, and the machine hovered upward. “Let’s do this!” she said to herself.
“HE’S WHAT?!” Bon-Bon asked.
“He’s gone. Sorry.”
“How can you lose a giant hairball like that! What is wrong with you, Lyra?!”
“I left him in the backyard earlier. I guess he got bored and went for walk,” she said. “Don’t worry, Bon-Bon, I’m sure he’s not causing any trouble.”
“Well go find him, and bring him back here!” Bon-Bon demanded.
“What’s the magic word?”
“Now!”
“Okay, okay, I’ll go find him.” Lyra took hold of her saddlebag and exited the house, leaving a fuming, red-hot Bon-Bon behind. Once she was outside, a dog was sitting obediently in front of her. “Oh, aren’t you Applejack’s dog? What was it - Cher, Prince… eh… Wynonna, that’s it.” The dog barked and its tail wagged when it heard its name. “Sorry Wynonna, I can’t play with you right now. I have to go find somepony. Why don’t go back to Applejack? I’m pretty sure she’s looking for you.”
Lyra patted Wynonna on her head and went off to find Sasquatch. She thought about where he might be and how to catch him. While she was thinking, Wynonna came up to her side. “Wynonna, I can’t play with you, I’m very busy,” Lyra said.
“Arf!” said Wynonna.
“You want to help me?”
“Arf!”
“What am I looking for?”
“Arf!”
“I’m looking for a big hairy monster I found this morning.”
“Arf!”
“You can smell him? Okay, let’s go!”
Wynonna lowered her head and sniffed the ground, with Lyra on tow.
“How could ya lose Wynonna, Apple Bloom?” Applejack asked in shock.
“I don’t know what happened! We were playing along just fine, then she started acting strange. Then she just up and left.”
“If that’s the case, we’re marching straight into town this instant,” Applejack said. She put her trademark stetson on her blonde head and hung her lasso on her waist. Applejack and her little sister left the house, down the path the led out of the farm, not before she approached Big Mac, who was doing some heavy lifting. “Don’t wait up, Big Mac. Tell Granny we’re going to find Wynonna.”
“Eeyup,” Mac said. He watched his two sisters run out of sight into town. Mac put his hoof, in a moment of deep thought. “I think I have to talk with my inner colt,” he said. He closed his eyes for a few seconds and a significantly younger version of himself stood in front of him. “Little Mac,” Big Mac said. “I have a situation.”
“What is it?” Little Mac asked.
“This morning I found Lyra acting strange and trying to drag a heavy box back home. I offered to help, but she was acting mighty strange. On top of that, our dog is gone. I think it has something to do with her. What do you make of all this?”
“It’s really simple Big Mac. You see, the conscious mind acts in a way to block the external inconsistencies of the process of which we make do on our collective thought as a meaning to our struggle of the inexplicability of the conscious mind that binds everything in the universal construct of ourselves, therefore before putting all things aside for our minds to culminate in a systematic downward spiral of all things, we exclude ourselves from the bindings that leave us in a state of enlightenment.”
“... In other words, I shouldn’t do a darn thing about it?”
“Exactly.”
“... Thank you?” The young version of Macintosh returned to Big Macintosh’s mind. He shrugged his shoulders and went back to his duties.
Armed and Extremely Stupid Part 1
Wynonna’s nose followed the scent of Sasquatch, which led her to the shopping center. “Where did he go, girl?” Lyra asked. Wynonna pointed to the direction where all the chaos began. There was a record store with a huge hole in front. “That looks like him.” Lyra and Wynonna walked inside the destroyed shop, where a police officer was speaking to the cashier.
“You should’ve seen it, bro! It was big and hairy, and he screamed at me! I guess he didn’t like the taste of progressive rock,” he said.
“Excuse, did you say you saw a monster?” Lyra asked. “Where did it go?”
“He went that way! But I warn you, he’s has no taste in good music,” said the cashier. Lyra motioned for Wynonna to continue the hunt, until a hoof touched her shoulder.
“Excuse me, young lady,” the police officer said, “Do you have affiliation with the creature that destroyed this stallion’s music store?”
“Well… sort of,” she lied, “He is… a long lost cousin of mine. He has special needs.”
“Until we can get to the bottom of this, you’re coming with me,” he said. Lyra gasped when the cop pulled out silver hoofcuffs. With unyielding force, he placed the hoofcuffs on… the record store cashier. “There. You’ll be safe with those hoofcuffs on. Come on miss, let’s find that monster and bring him to justice!”
“Yeah, sure… yay justice.”
The pink mare, whom some have called Pinkie Pie, knew no qualms when it came to chasing something she finds magnificent - in this case, Sasquatch. She flew over the clouds like a hawk searching for prey from the heavens. “Alright big guy, where are you?” she said to herself. She pulled out a spyglass and scanned the ground for the hairy giant. “Ah-Ha! There you are!” She put the pedal to the metal, and soared close to the running Sasquatch. When she was in close proximity, she pulled out a rocket launcher that was somehow connected to her back. “I have you now!” She pressed the trigger, and a boxing glove was launched.
Sasquatch was not sure, but he thought he heard high pitched laughter above him. He turned his head back and saw a pink pony on a flying machine. She was holding a huge log and was aiming it at him. “Ughh?” he thought to himself. The pink pony smiled at him, still aiming at that rather large log at him. With thunderous popping sound materialized into a red boxing glove that advancing straight toward him. Sasquatch ducked his head and the boxing glove hit another pony instead.
“Drat!” Pinkie yelled, “I missed!” She reloaded her rocket launcher and aimed it again at Sasquatch. The beast roared and ran into the trees to hide. “You can’t get away from me!” Pinkie yelled. She pedaled faster and hovered over the forest area. Pinkie kept her boxing glove launcher aimed at the ground. “Where are you now?”
Sasquatch was hiding behind the trees. He could see the pink pony with her flying above the forest. He had to think of something, and quick! Sasquatch back away from the tree, but not too far that the crazy pony could see him. He put his hands over his mouth and went, “Coocoo! Coocoo! Coocoo!” A few seconds later, a hawk flew by his side. Sasquatch commanded the bird of prey to attack the pony on the flying machine.
Pinkie continued her search for the hairy giant. She kept her eyes and her boxing glove launcher close to the ground. “When I find you,” she said to herself, “You’re going to have a big party with all my friends! I can’t wait to write to Maude about this!”
“SCREEEECH!” went a noise. Pinkie turned to her side and saw a hawk flying right at her. The hawk scratched her with its claws and poked her with its sharp beak. “Ow! Ow! Oww! Hey, stop it!” Pinkie pleaded. “I’m telling Fluttershy on you!” Pinkie lost control of her legs, and the flying machine went crashing down into the ground.
When Sasquatch saw the flying machine go down, he let out victorious grunts. The hawk flew past him, giving Sasquatch a salute before leaving elsewhere. Sasquatch, now free from the watchful eye of the pink pony, ran out of the forest and back into town.
The police officer and Lyra followed Wynonna as she sniffed out the scent of Sasquatch. They passed many broken windows and turned over carts. Lyra did not need the dog to figure out Sasquatch has been here.
“Ma’am, is this your dog?” The cop asked Lyra.
“Actually, the dog belongs to a friend a mine. I’m just watching it for her,” she said. Lyra realized that she was on a lying streak today. She wondered what would Applejack say to her if she found Wynonna.
“Well, whoever that dog belongs to, she sure has a fine nose,” the cop said. Wynonna stopped sniffing and barked at Lyra and the Cop.
“What is Wynonna?”
“Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!”
“Sasquatch went that way?”
“Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!”
“Are you sure?”
“Ruff!”
Lyra and the cop ran with Wynonna to whatever direction she was taking them. Along the way they crossed more broken objects, injured ponies, and carts turned over. “I’m going to be in so much trouble when we find him,” Lyra said to herself.
“Land Sakes!” Applejack exclaimed. “What in tarnation happened here?” When she and Apple Bloom arrived downtown, they found it in pieces, along with ponies scrambling and screaming in every direction. “Jeez, this whole town is in a frenzy! Did Fluttershy bring back another Parasprite?”
Apple Bloom was just as shocked as her older sister was. However, Ponyville was always prone to disasters, she thought, she just did not thought it would happen so soon right after the black hole incident. Apple Bloom reminded herself to apologize to Miss Twilight about that.
“This is insane,” Applejack said. “How on earth are we going to find Wynonna in this heap of mess?”
“Gosh, I hope she’s not hurt,” Apple Bloom added. “I wonder what could’ve caused this.”
“It was a monster!” a voice yelled. Jack and Bloom turned around and saw a scared little colt with a propeller hat with his mother.
“Button Mash? Did you say a monster?” Apple Bloom asked.
“Yeah! It was huge monster! It was big and hairy, and it stole my ice cream!”
“It was wreaking havoc everywhere,” his mother said. “It had so much unstoppable rage. And the worst part is… it stood on two legs!” That statement alone earned a horrific gasp from the farmponies.
“Oh no. Applejack, what if the monster got Wynonna?”
“He better not! If that monster puts a hoof on her, he’s in for an Applejack Grand Smack Slamwhich!”
“That sounds nasty,” Button Mash commented. Applejack lowered her stetson over her head and tightened her lasso. Now she meant serious business. “Come on, Apple Bloom. We gonna hunt us a monster.”
“Pinkie? Pinkie Pie, are you okay?” asked a tomboyish voice. Pinkie slowly opened her eyes after a few minutes of unconsciousness to the sight of Rainbow Dash standing over her. Rainbow reached out her forearm and Pinkie grabbed it, standing on all fours again. “Whoa, Pinkie, you look awful. What happened to ya?”
“I think I was attacked by a hawk,” she answered, rubbing her head.
“That’s weird, why would a hawk attack you?”
“I don’t know, it just appeared out of nowhere,” Pinkie said. She put her pink hoof under her chin. She was sure wanted to tell Rainbow about something else that was important, but she could not put her hoof on it. “Oh, hey, there’s also a monster in town!” Pinkie exclaimed.
“A monster?”
“Yeah, he was on a rampage today, and I wanted to catch it! You should have seen him Rainbow! He was all big and hairy, and he looked confused!”
“And you spent all day trying to catch this monster?” Rainbow asked skeptically.
“Yeah! If we hurry, maybe we can catch it together!” Rainbow was unsure about this. She already had enough dangerous adventures after that black hole incident last week and this was her “Lazy Day,” but she figured she had nothing better to do.
“... Sure, let’s go catch him.”
“That’s the spirit!”
Sasquatch was on the run once again. He had to find someplace to hide before the fuzz caught him. He saw a group of ponies and grunted for help, but no matter what he did, the ponies would run away from him. This made him a very angry Sasquatch. He grunted loudly for the ponies to stop running, but none would listen.
He grew really frustrated. Then, he saw something he liked. He saw a giant a tree. This was chance! He pushed the screaming ponies out of the way so he could he get to the tree. Once there, Sasquatch knocked on the wooden door so hard that he knocked it down.
“Hey, you’re gonna pay for that, you know!” a voice called. A small purple reptile walked in front of Sasquatch with a stern look on his face. “What’s the big idea trying too…” The reptile stopped on his words, and his stern eyes turned into that of grievance. Sasquatch snarled and showed the small dragon his crooked sharp yellow teeth.
“Twilight, we have a visitor…”
“Are you sure this is going to work, Pinkie?” Rainbow asked. She and Pinkie Pie were holding a giant net to capture Sasquatch with.
“Of course it will! Nopony can ever escape something like a giant net! It always works, I seen it in movies!”
“You’ve also seen a stallion bend his back while the camera revolved around him when he was dodging bullets in a movie,” Rainbow said.
“I know, that was soooo cool! We gotta watch that movie again Rainbow Dash!” Pinkie exclaimed. Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes.
“We’re getting close, Apple Bloom!” Applejack yelled. “I can hear screaming!” Applejack readied her lasso.
“I think Wynonna is getting close,” Lyra told the cop.
“That’s good news,” the cop said. He pulled out his walkie-talkie and spoke to to it. “Attention all units! Attention all units! Be prepared to take down a giant hairy monster! He is considered armed and extremely stupid! Over!”
Fate, as it seems, is not without a sense of humor. Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie readied themselves for the right moment to use their giant net on the monster. Applejack readied her lasso to catch it and tie it up like a bull at a rodeo. The cop had his hoofcuffs on standby, and Lyra had a cookie jar with her.
The three pairs of ponies came to a crossroads, their existence unknown to each other. Pinkie and Rainbow hid behind a tree, Applejack and Apple Bloom hid inside a bush, and the Cop, Lyra, and Wynonna hid behind a giant boulder.
“You think the monster is here,” Rainbow whispered.
“I know so,” Pinkie responded.
“I’m sure gonna give that monster an old fashioned butt whoopin’ for messing with my dog,” Applejack said.
“Be careful,” Apple Bloom warned.
“These new silver hoofcuffs are going to look so good on that monster,” the Cop said.
“I can lure him out with these cookies,” Lyra said.
Wynonna growled.
They waited. And waited. And waited some more. Each one of them were counting slowly to three. When the number three finally came, the six ponies ambushed each other, thinking the other was the monster. A giant net landed on Applejack while her lasso caught Rainbow and Pinkie by the legs, and the cop put hoofcuffs on… himself.
“Oh no, I was the monster this whole time,” the Cop said. “I don’t know how am I going to live with myself. What am I going to tell my wife?”
“None of us is the monster,” Applejack said, “We we’re all acting stupid, that’s what happened.” Applejack heard barking, and was shocked to see that Wynonna was still alive and in one piece. “Wynonna! You’re okay!” She was released from the net, and went to embrace her dog, who returned the favor by licking the farmpony. “I was so worried about you!”
“Oh sniggle bottoms!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed. “I thought for sure the monster was here. You lied to me, Pinkie Sense!”
“Applejack, are you okay?” Apple Bloom asked.
“I’m alright, now that I found Wynonna.”
The six ponies looked at each other in awkward silence. Then they heard screaming coming from the next street over, followed by a roar from a ferocious beast. “What the heck was that?” the Cop asked.
“That would be Sasquatch,” Lyra said.
Armed and Extremely Stupid Part 2
Nopony knew how he had done it, but Sasquatch tied up Twilight and Spike with rope. Now it was question of what he was going to do with them. The throng of ponies formed outside of the treehouse, so Sasquatch had to lay low. He searched the living for any object he could use to scare away the mob.
“Mister Monster,” Spike said, “You’re not going to eat us, are you?” Sasquatch answered by roaring, and returned to find some tools. The little dragon was shaking in his scaly body. “I never thought I would be a monster’s hostage,” he said.
“Calm down, Spike. We’ll get out this,” Twilight said, “just like we always do.”
“I hope so.”
Sasquatch looked all over the house for something he could use against the ponies, but he had not found a single thing. All he found were books, books, and more books. He grew frustrated once more, and cried an angry snarl.
“Monster!” a voiced yelled from outside. “This is the Ponyville Police! Set the hostages free, and we’ll go easy on you!” Sasquatch opened the door and shook his fists, then slammed it again. He realized he was in a real pickle of a situation. Conflicted of what to do, he ran upstairs.
“Twilight, can’t you use your magic to stop him,” Spike asked.
“I could…”
“Why won’t you do it now?”
“I don’t know. I want to see where this goes.”
“I hope Twilight and Spike are okay in there!” Pinkie said. As time went by, the crowd grew larger and larger, some of them were chanting for Sasquatch to come out. Many held picket signs that presented their opinions.
“This is all my fault,” Lyra said. “I never should have let him out in the backyard if this was going to happen.”
“What do you mean?” Pinkie asked.
“The monster… he’s my cou… ah screw it! I found him in the forest this morning while I was walking, kidnapped him and took him to my house!”
“What?!” everypony present shouted.
“It’s true! Now he’s terrorizing the town and keeping a pony hostage, all because of me!”
“Lyra, I know you’re some kind of an eccentric and what not, but what on earth made you wanna do somethin’ crazy - no, insane like this?” Applejack asked.
“I have no idea why I do these things, I just do them!”
“And if we stand here and talk about this any longer, that monster is going eat Twilight and Spike,” Rainbow said. “I don’t about you guys, but I’m going in there to kick his butt!”
“Hold on there, missy,” said the Cop. “You can’t go in there, we don’t what kind of weapons the creature armed himself with! For all we know he could be carrying some kind of rock throwing device!”
“Seriously?” Rainbow asked sarcastically, “A rock throwing device?”
“Rocks can do serious damage to property! We must be cautious!”
Meanwhile, Sasquatch was standing by a window, looking out all the ponies who gathered to see the so-called hostage situation. I let himself be seen, he thought to himself, if he had any thoughts. He looked through the window again. Those were some angry ponies outside. He snarled and growled when he brought his eyes toward the little purple dragon.
“Uh-oh,” Spike said. Sasquatch ran to Spike and untied him. Then he dragged him to a desk that had a piece of parchment and an ink quill, and forced him to sit down. “Please, I’ll do anything you want, just don’t hurt me!” Spike pleaded. Sasquatch let out a low “Grrrrrggggh,” in response. “Twilight, help me!” Spike whispered.
“Hang in there, Spike. He doesn’t look very intelligent, so you should be okay.”
“That doesn’t make me feel any better in the slightest.” Sasquatch yelled at him again, and pointed to the piece of parchment on the desk. “You want me to do what?” Irritated, he pushed the dragon out of the chair and drew symbols on the parchment.
“I can’t take it anymore!” Rainbow Dash yelled. “We have to help them! Officer, what does it look like in there?”
“I’m not sure. The house is so small and far away, I can’t even get a good look at it.”
“That’s because you have the binoculars on the wrong side!”
Officer Cop realized his mistake and turned the binoculars on the right side. “Oh, much better!” he said. “I don’t see any movements, so probably the monster is dead, the hostages are dead, or they’re all dead.”
“How could you say somethin’ like that?” Applejack asked horrifically.
“Hey, it was just an educated guess!”
The door opened slowly, and the mob of ponies drew into silence. Spike the Dragon emerged from the other side, a piece of parchment in his claws. He was trembling and sweating. “Hi Spike!” Pinkie yelled.
“Um… Uh,” Spike stammered. “I have a list of a few demands the monster wants.”
“A list of demands,” Officer Cop said. “A classic cliche of hostage situations. Proceed, young lad. What does the monster want?” he asked through the megaphone.
“Well, um… I can’t really make any of this out, because he drew it himself, but I’ll try my best,” Spike said. He cleared his throat and tried to read the symbols. “This thing right here, it looks like a bush that’s on fire and something that’s supposed to say “oooooo” at the top, like a ghost. I don’t know what it means, but it seems important to the monster. And this other thing, looks like a stick figure, with a yellow triangle on its back… not exactly on his back, but it’s drawn all over him - what is this thing?”
“Spike, that’s obviously a jetpack,” Twilight said from inside the house.
“Yeah, right, a jetpack… if that is even possible. And there’s also a huge orange circle with smaller red circles all over it… uh, monster what is this?”
“Ugh! Uggh!”
“Sorry, it’s a pepperoni pizza! A pepperoni pizza is what he wants! I don’t know, that’s what he drew!”
“How could you not know that was a pizza?” Twilight said again.
“I’m sorry! I’ve never been a hostage before! Jeez… and this last thing is an oval, but it was smaller brown circles inside the oval. The monster labelled it as… “yumyum…” what?”
“Wait, yumyum?” Lyra said to herself. She looked down and realized that all this time she was still carrying the cookie jar with her.
“Those are a weird list of demands,” Officer Cop commented. “The spooky burning bush is a bit of a stretch, only three ponies in the world own working jetpacks, and it’s going to take 20 minutes to make a pizza!”
“Officer!” Lyra said. “The oval with the little circles that says “yumyum!” It’s the cookie jar!”
“But we do have a cookie jar! Does the monster want any cookies?” Officer Cop asked.
“Tell him they’re homemade and freshly baked,” Lyra added.
“They’re homemade and freshly baked! Those sound delicious, may I have one?”
“Do you want any cookies?” Spike asked the monster. “They said they’re homemade and freshly baked.”
“... Ugh.”
“Is that a yes?”
“Ugh.”
“He said yes! I think!”
“Wish me luck,” Lyra told the other girls.
“You don’t need us to go in there with ya,” Applejack asked. “He sure looks dangerous.”
“I think I can handle this.” Lyra crossed the line that separated the crowd from the treehouse, advancing slowly toward the midst of the hostage situation. She saw a frightened looking Spike standing in front of the doorway. Lyra held the cookie jar as sign of “peace.”
“Lyra? What are you doing here?” Spike asked.
“It’s a long story, I’ll explain later. Let me in, please.” Spike moved out of the way so Lyra can enter the house. She saw Twilight Sparkle tied to a chair and Sasquatch waiting in the corner, not to mention books were lying on the floor. “Twilight, are you okay?”
“Oh yeah. Can you believe it, I’m actually in a hostage situation! This is so riveting, and it would be great for my next progress report to Princess Celestia!”
“... Okay,” was Lyra’s only response. She put the cookie jar on the floor and made a cookie float in midair. “Sasquatch? Look what I got for you,” she softly said. “Look. A cookie. Yumyum.” Sasquatch took baby steps to the minty-green unicorn holding the cookie with magic. “Chocolate chip, your favorite. Mmm, mmm.” Sasquatch was closer to his prize. He opened his palms and Lyra dropped the cookie into his grasp. He consumed it in one bite, crumbs falling from his mouth. “You want another?” He reached out his hand for more. “I’ll give you another, if you let them go.” She pointed to Twilight Sparkle and Spike, who was in a fetal position under a desk.
“Ugh?”
“Yes. Let them go, get out of the house, and I’ll give you another cookie. Once we’re back home, I’ll give you as many cookies as you like.”
Sasquatch scratched his furry head with his index finger. He refused to set the hostages free, but he also did not want to give up the chance of free chocolate chip cookies. As painful as it was, he had to comply to the orders of the unicorn who kidnapped him and offered him treats at the same time. He approached Twilight and unbound her.
“You know, you could’ve set yourself and Spike free the whole time,” Lyra said.
“I know, I chose not to.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know.”
Lyra rolled her eyes and returned to Sasquatch. “Okay, now follow me outside. I promise nopony is going to hurt you,” she said softly. Sasquatch was nervous, seeing all those angry eyes staring at him, but since Lyra told him nothing will happen, he decided to believe her. She led the beast outside, which resulted in the collective gasp of the crowd. Spike and Twilight was right behind the two, miraculously unharmed.
“Citizens of Ponyville!” Lyra announced. “I bring to you Sasquatch, the Big Hairy Monster… Thing! I was the one that took him away from his home in the forest and brought him to civilized society! Yes, he has destroyed most of the town! Yes, he terrorized stallions, mares, and foals, but find it your hearts to forgive him, oh townsponies, for he does not know what he is doing! For in Sasquatch, not only have a found a strange, but unique creature, but I have also found a friend… and as we all know, friendship is magic!”
“... Nice try, but that’s not going to work,” Officer Cop said. “Arrest him!” An army of police officers dog piled on Sasquatch, beating him with batons. With his mighty strength, Sasquatch pushed the ponies off of him, and roared so loud, it could awaken the sleeping ponies the next town over. The townsponies once again ran for the their lives, and Sasquatch was going to begin his new rampage on the town.
Then lightning struck him.
Sasquatch was lying face down on the ground, his brown fur now coal black and smokey from the fierce lightning strike, seemingly unconscious at the moment. Everything and everypony was struck with dead silence.
“Did it work?” a voice called out from above. Everypony lift their heads high to see Rainbow Dash standing on a cloud.
“Rainbow Dash, how could you?!” Lyra yelled.
“Hey, the monster was going crazy! I had to do something!”
Sasquatch did not know where he was. All he knew that he was standing above a white desolate landscape under the stars. He remembered being struck by the evil lightning bolt, but he got here was a mystery to himself. Sasquatch rubbed his head, which still felt painful after the whole ordeal.
“Whoa there, son,” a deep voice said. “You look like you took a hit there.” Sasquatch looked around the land to find where the voice was coming from. “He’s right,” another voice said, “you should sit down, and think things over.” Now he grew nervous. Sasquatch was ready to attack whoever was talking to him.
“Relax son, we ain’t going to hurt you.”
Sasquatch turned around and saw two giants standing over him. Just like himself, the two titans were standing on two legs. The first giant was wearing a blue militaristic coat and was wearing some kind of strange wig. The second giant was dressed in black, had a nicely shaven beard, and a tall black hat.
“I’m guessing you are wondering who we are,” the first giant remarked. “My name is George Washington, and this my good friend Abraham Lincoln.” Lincoln gave Sasquatch a tip of his hat as a friendly gesture. “The two of us have been leaders of a nation called the United States of America, which is located in another dimension, but we’ll have more time to talk about that later.”
“Right now, we want to talk about your situation,” said Abe Lincoln. “Sasquatch, you are about to embark on an incredible journey with sentient and intelligent beings. You have to realize the gravity of this momentous event. You are a one of a kind fellow with so much opportunity.”
“He is right, you know,” Washington commented. “The species you are interacting with have so much to offer you. It will be a shame if you back out now.”
Former President Lincoln bent down on one knee and put his hand on Sasquatch’s shoulder. “Listen kid, I know how it feels like to be a stranger in a strange land. I was the only boy in my class who had a full grown beard, but what you have to do is to put all of your feelings aside and believe in yourself.”
Former President Washington knelt to Sasquatch’s level as well and said, “I led America during her fight for independence, he led America when she divided herself, we are sure you can survive among the ponies.”
The two former presidents stood up and returned to the dark side of the moon. Before they vanished, Lincoln turned back and said, “Show ‘em what you’re made of, kid! Give ‘em hell!” He winked. And he was gone.
A ray of light swiped Sasquatch from the surface of the moon, and he was forcibly tossed across the vast reaches of space. His screams echoed throughout the galaxy. He was travelling at such a tremendous speed that he was beginning to see bright color flashing before his eyes. Then there was a glorious explosion of white light…
“You think he’s dead?” Lyra asked. She and Pinkie, Twilight, and Rainbow were standing around a dungeon cell, watching Sasquatch who was in unconsciousness, his hands and legs in chains that were connected to the wall.
“Just in case he wakes up, I have my party cannon!” Pinkie said.
“I’ll give him a pounding or two if he wakes up,” Rainbow said. “That will teach him to attack us!”
“Sasquatch was not trying to attack you,” Lyra said defensively. “He was just confused, that’s all. This place is strange to him.”
“Then why did you take him away from his home where he belongs?” Rainbow asked again.
“Like I said, I don’t know why I do these things.”
“Well, this has been an exceptionally weird day,” Twilight commented.
The girls heard the doors to the dungeon open, revealing Princess Celestia and Princess Luna. The girls bowed in reverence, before continuing their discussion.
“My little ponies,” Celestia said, “I have been given news of a situation that happened in Ponyville today that involved that creature. What happened?” The girls turned their heads to Lyra. She gulped.
“Your Highness,” Lyra stammered. “... This morning, or more like a few weeks ago, I found this creature during my morning walks through the forest. Initially, I was frightened, but the more I visited him the more I started to like the way he looked… if that makes any sense.”
“I see,” Celestia remarked.
“I continued to visit him the following weeks, and this morning I, how you say, foalnapped him. I placed some chocolate on the ground that led to a trap and he took the bait. Then I took him to my house.”
“Go on…”
“Then one thing led to another, and he started attacking the town and scaring everypony, and Rainbow Dash struck him with lightning. But he wasn’t attacking Ponyville because he was evil. He was just scared and confused, and I want to show him how great life is here. Also, throughout the whole day, I felt some kind of bond with him, like he was my friend or something! Please don’t send him to the moon!”
“A bond you say?” Celestia asked. “You started to have feelings for the creature?”
“Of course! It’s like… Stockholm syndrome!”
“Lyra, Stockholm syndrome only happens to the victims,” Twilight said.
“Whatever. What I’m trying to say is please don’t punish him for something that was clearly my fault! Sasquatch didn’t mean to wreak havoc!”
“Sasquatch?” Luna asked.
“Yeah, I called him Sasquatch… I don’t know why. Look, please don’t punish him, he didn’t do anything wrong! It was me!” Princess Celestia took a peek inside the cell, and saw Sasquatch lying on his back, still unconscious. He looked dangerous, but given his circumstances, she did not believe a punishment was in order. In a weird way, Celestia felt sorry for him.
“What should we do about this matter, sister?” Luna asked.
“Lyra, you said that this beast was your friend, correct?” Celestia asked.
“It’s starting to look that way.”
“And you have felt a special bond with him?”
“Yes, Your Highness.”
“I was thinking…”
“Tell me she’s not,” Rainbow commented.
“Since Sasquatch and yourself have become friends, I will let him stay with you.”
“I knew it!” Rainbow yelled angrily.
“I can’t tell if this a good thing or a bad thing,” Pinkie said.
“Really?! You mean it?! Oh thank you, Princess! Thank you, thank you!”
“... Sister, may I talk to you in private,” Luna asked. Celestia agreed and the two princesses walked out into the hallway. The moon princess motioned for the guards to go into another room. When the hallway was empty, Luna faced her sister with her usual serious expression. “Ahem. Are you out of your freaking mind?!”
“Luna, what’s wrong?”
“I’ll tell you what’s wrong! Letting that unstable monster walk around without a leash! We don’t know what kind of problems that thing has!”
“Luna, please be reasonable.”
“How can I be reasonable when you won’t be?! How can you let a young mare take care of a nine foot tall monster from the forest?! Things like that don’t just assimilate into society overnight, and you know it!”
“I believe this monster can learn our values, Luna, if given to the right hooves.”
“And you honestly believe Lyra of all ponies is the right hoof?! She’s insane! Her mind is empty! Believe me, I visited her dreams!”
“How dare you call others insane when you became a lunatic yourself?!”
“At least I had a good reason for why I went insane! Lyra is probably insane by choice!”
“You were always a stick in the mud, you know that Luna?!”
“You were always an arrogant fool, you know that Celestia?!”
“Wolves howl at you at night!”
“You give ponies sunburns!”
“Goth!”
“Hippie!”
The girls were standing around awkwardly, waiting for the Royal Sisters to finish their “discussion.” However, Lyra could not contain herself. Inwardly her soul was jovial. She kept her eyes on the still unconscious Sasquatch. “This is going to be awesome,” she said to herself.
“The princesses are sure taking a long time,” Twilight said.
“What do you think they’re talking about?” Pinkie asked.
“It’s obvious they’re talking that Sasquatch guy,” Rainbow answered. “I heard the words ‘monster,’ and ‘creature,’ a few times.” They were silent when the doors to the dungeon flew open. Luna and Celestia walked a few inches away from each other. They never made eye contact. The princesses stood over Lyra, who bowed quickly, then trembled.
“Lyra,” Celestia said. “We agreed to let Sasquatch stay with you in Ponyville.” Lyra jumped for joy and sang her praises. She was so happy, she performed a cartwheel.
“However,” Luna said. “As with Twilight, you must write about the lessons of friendship you and Sasquatch happen to learn. And please, for goodness sake, keep him with you whenever you two go outside.”
“Oh yeah, I will,” Lyra said. “You can count on me!”
“Isn’t this exciting, Rainbow Dash,” Pinkie said. “We can finally have a monster mash party!”
“Zip-a-dee-doo-dah,” Rainbow said sarcastically.
“And Twilight, you will help her compose the friendship letters, will you?” Celestia asked.
“Of course I will.”
“Good. Well, all is settled,” Celestia stated. “It’s time for you ponies to go home. You all have had a long day and need your rest.”
The metal chains inside the dungeon began to rattle. It was followed by a low growling sound. The ponies turned their attention to what was happening, and there was Sasquatch, wide awake. Lyra ran toward the metal bars like a schoolfilly.
“Hey Sasquatch, did you hear? You’re coming with me!”
“Rrrg?”
“Yep. We’re going to be best friends forever!”
Sasquatch fainted.
Lyra had been gone for a long time now. But that didn’t matter to Bon-Bon. Taking shots of cider on her kitchen table in the middle of the night was enough to get her through this awful day. She has been doing it since Lyra left the house to find Sasquatch, which was seven hours ago. The current time was 12:45 a.m. “I’m going to kill her,” Bon-Bon said to herself.
It was only five minutes later when she heard the door knob unlocking from the outside. The first image that greeted Bon-Bon in the dark was that of Lyra carrying Sasquatch in a wheelbarrow. “Hi,” Lyra said weakly.
“... Do you know what time it is?” Bon-Bon slurred.
“It’s almost one o’clock?”
“You’ve been gone since four o’clock! I thought you were going to get of that thing!”
“Well, you see, there’s been a change of plans.” Lyra set down the wheelbarrow gently so Sasquatch would not be waken so abruptly. “What happened was that after we captured Sasquatch and put him in a dungeon in Canterlot, I had a talk with Princess Celestia, and she agreed to let Sasquatch stay here for now.”
“... What?”
“But, I have to write about the lessons of friendship me and Sasquatch happen to learn. Isn’t this great?”
“... Huh?”
“And Twilight agreed to help me write them.”
“... Wha…”
Lyra ambushed a tipsy Bon-Bon with an affectionate embrace. “I know you’re just as excited as I am about this,” she said. “I knew there was something between me and Sasquatch the first time I found him in the forest. He’s like a brother I never knew I had.” Hearing Lyra say those things made Bon-Bon’s stomach churn. “Since we’re still up, how about we celebrate with midnight pancakes? On me!”
“You’re sleeping on the couch tonight,” Bon-Bon said. “In fact, you’re staying on the couch as long as that monster is here!”
“Wait, what? Why?”
“Goodnight, Lyra.” Bon-Bon took one last shot of cider before she returned it to a shelf in the refrigerator. She marched upstairs and the slam of the master bedroom door vibrated through the house. “Well, I guess it’s just you and me,” Lyra said to the sleeping monster. She rolled the wheelbarrow into the living room, where the couch was. Lyra climbed on the couch and laid on her back, staring at the ceiling. “I show her,” she thought to herself. “I show her that Sasquatch is more than a monster. I’m going to make her see that he is my best friend.” She closed her eyes, preparing herself for another nightly trip to dreamland.
Lyra walked with Sasquatch to the grand gates of Canterlot Castle. Sasquatch, now a self-made monster, was wearing a black suit and polished black shoes. He also wore glasses that made him look smart, and his hair was neatly shaven. When the two approached the guards, they gladly let them through.
A palace official was eagerly waiting for them outside. With a huge smile on her face, the official greeted them. “Lyra! Sasquatch! I can’t believe you two made it,” she exclaimed. “Follow me, the princesses are expecting you!”
The palace official lead them through the giant halls, a guard stopping to bow to them whenever they passed one. Finally, the doors flung opened into the glorious throne room of Canterlot Castle. Anypony who was anypony was in attendance. The Royal Sisters, Twilight Sparkle and her friends, the mayor of Ponyville, some high class ponies from Canterlot, even Bon-Bon and Lyra’s parents were there. The musicians played a fanfare with their trumpets, and the ponies in the room all bowed to Lyra and Sasquatch at once. As the fanfare continued, the two were at the bottom of the throne. Princess Celestia looked down with a warming and approving smile.
“My loyal subjects,” Celestia announced, “This is a time of celebration! A long time ago, this young unicorn found this creature in the forest deep. None of us were sure if he was capable of assimilating to our ways and culture, even my sister had abandoned hope for his salvation. But not Lyra. Through her perseverance, and plucky nature, she has shown all of Equestria that any creature, big or small, pony or… monster, can learn the values of friendship and harmony.”
A unicorn levitated a small brown box and presented it to Celestia. The sun princess took the box from him, and opened it with her magic. Two golden crowns emerged from the box, gaining a collective “ooh” from the audience. “Lyra, you have done a great thing not only for Sasquatch, but for all of us. You have showed us that we should never give on others because of their overwhelming differences. That why I present to you two these crowns!” She lowered the crowns slowly on their heads, for dramatic effect. “Mares and gentlecolts, I present to you our newest heroes, Lyra and Sasquatch!” The audience cheered and stomped their hooves on the ground. Tears of joy flowed from Lyra eyes, and Sasquatch grabbed her arm and raised his and hers in triumph. “And we have another gift for you.” Celestia made a gesture toward a pony next to a window that was covered behind a red curtain.
The curtain unveiled a stained-glass window that depicted Sasquatch integration into society. A brown creature adorned in the same black suit he was wearing now standing on top of the planet earth, the words “BUSINESS” written under it. Around the image, smaller pictures of the trials and tribulations surrounded it. This gained another huge applause from the audience.
“Thank you, thank you,” Lyra said. “Thank you, thank you all! You’re too kind… Oh thank you, thank you…”
“... Thank you, thank you,” Lyra said in her sleep. The rays of the sun touched her minty-green coat, the heat alerting her that it was time to wake up. Her vision was blurry, so she rubbed her eyes to clear it. Lyra looked to her right, and there was Sasquatch, still sleeping on the wheelbarrow. “Whose wheelbarrow is that?” she asked herself. She climbed off the couch and walked to Sasquatch, stumbling as she did. Lyra gently shoved him back and forth. “Hey, come on. It’s morning,” she said. Snoring was his response. “Come on, we’ve got a busy ahead of us. Hey, get up!” Boy he was a heavy sleeper. Lyra went into the kitchen and came back with a pot and a saucepan. She gave him one last chance to wake up before she bang the cooking instruments together. “Wake up!” she yelled. The banging made Sasquatch jump out of the wheelbarrow and flat on his back. “Finally, you’re awake. Get up, we have a big day and lots to do.”
Meanwhile, upstairs, Bon-Bon had awoken as well. She was feeling hungover, thanks to her taking the shots of cider the night before. She rubbed her head, trying to ease the headache of the hangover. What made matters worse was the loud banging sound coming from downstairs. “Darn it Lyra,” she said through gritted teeth. She climbed out of her bed and put on her yellow bathrobe.
Still feeling light-headed, Bon-Bon carried herself to the bathroom. Maybe some water will help me, she thought to herself. Inside she turned the faucet on and poured water into a plastic cup. Another set of noises travelled from downstairs to the bathroom.“No Sasquatach, that’s not for eating!” Lyra yelled from downstairs. Bon-Bon slammed the plastic cup on the counter, rubbing her head in pain and in annoyance.
“Just sit on that chair while I make breakfast,” Lyra told Sasquatch. Sasquatch sat himself on a small wooden chair, which immediately broke because of his weight. He fell on his posterior, prompting Lyra to laugh at his expense. “Wow, Sasquatch are you okay?” she asked between laughs. He showed his disapproval by throwing the pieces of the chair across the kitchen.
“I heard something break. What happened?” said Bon-Bon with no hint of concern. She saw Sasquatch on the floor and the broken chair, which was enough to tell her what happened. “Nevermind.”
“It’s my fault,” Lyra said. “I told Sasquatch to sit down and the chair broke. Sorry.”
“Is anything bad not your fault?” Bon-Bon asked. Lyra rolled her eyes. The cream-colored pony took out two slices of bread and inserted them inside a toaster. The two mares sat on opposite ends of the breakfast table, leaving Sasquatch to carry his business elsewhere. “So what are you going to day today,” Bon-Bon finally asked.
“I don’t know. Learn about friendship, I guess.”
“Really? Is that all you’re going to do,” she asked irritatingly. “Learn about friendship?”
“It’s what Princess Celestia wanted me to do. I can’t fail her.” The toaster finished heating the slices of bread, and Bon-Bon went up to retrieve them, still holding her soul-crushing glare on Lyra.
“Unlike you, I have to work today,” she said to Lyra while spreading butter on her toast. “Every Monday through Saturday, from 8 in the morning to 4 in the afternoon, I go to my job at the Ponyville bank. I work so I can make money to pay the bills, and put food in our stomachs. Those are the benefits of having a job
“I hope you have nice day,” Lyra responded. “Bring home that bacon.” Bon-Bon groaned inwardly, too hopeless to even eat her breakfast. Everything was silent again, until a dreadful revelation dawned on Bon-Bon.
“Where’s the monster?”
On que, the two heard a flushing sound from upstairs, followed by grunts and growls. Water flowed down the steps, immediately alerting Lyra and Bon-Bon of the trouble. They ran upstairs to find Sasquatch’s head stuck inside the toilet, trying desperately to free himself.
“It’s like we’re living in a stupid cartoon,” Bon-Bon said to herself.
Lyra spent the rest of the morning mopping the bathroom floor. Bon-Bon had already exited the house for work. Sasquatch was downstairs exploring parts of the house he had never seen before. He saw many photos of the two ponies that lived in the house. In many they looked happy together, in others they looked likes things could have gone a lot better. He took one of the frames from the shelf and examined it. He wondered how they fitted themselves in those small rectangles.
“Okay, I fixed the toilet and the floor is mopped,” Lyra said as she descended into the living room. “Jeez, that was a chore. How did you managed to clog the toilet with your fur?”
Sasquatch saw her sitting on the couch trying to relax. He looked at the Lyra in front of him, and the one inside the small rectangle. He was restless. The Lyra on the couch had her eyes closed and was motionless. He grunted several times before throwing the picture frame at a wall. The frame broke in half and the glass shattered, and Sasquatch was victorious.
“Whoa, Sasquatch! What did you do?” Lyra asked. She stepped on the broken frame on the floor. “Sasquatch, why did you do that?” He backed away from the broken pieces of the frame, grabbing a nearby blunt object for protection. “You think that thing has an evil spirit in it?” Sasquatch held the object closely in his grip. “It was just a picture, Sasquatch. It wasn’t going to hurt you.” She sighed and brought a brush and dustpan to her. “Sasquatch, if you want the Princesses to let you stay here, you have to learn to stop breaking stuff,” she said as she poured the glass and pieces of the frame into the waste bin. She folded the picture and put it on the shelf. “You know what, that is exactly what we’re going to do today.”
Lyra snatched Sasquatch by the hand and dashed out the front door. The monster and the unicorn stood under the morning sun in the bright blue sky. “Today Sasquatch, you’re going to learn why destroying public and private property is not okay.” With one step away from the house, the two ragtag companions took a stroll into town.
Ponyville was beginning to recover after Sasquatch’s rampage from yesterday, albeit at a slower rate than usual. Many buildings, workplaces, and business have been crumbled, if not entirely destroyed. Pedestrians were now cautious of their surroundings than ever before, never taking their eyes off anything, not even from the sky. Constructions ponies had their schedules filled for a day of cleaning up Sasquatch’s mess.
“You hear about that monster that did all this?” asked one of the construction pegasus. “I heard he was huge, like 12 feet tall! He had hair all over his body, razor sharp teeth and everything!”
“I heard he was foalnapped by somepony who wanted to use his fur to make a clothing line,” said another construction pony. “She took the monster to her mansion and locked him in her basement, but he escaped! He could be anywhere now.”
“I heard he was an unholy creation by unicorn scientists who left him in the forest to die,” said another pony. “But the abomination found his way into civilization, and is hunting the ones who did him wrong.”
“And the worst part of all,” the construction pegasus added, “he can walk on two legs! Two legs!” The two other ponies delivered their horrified gasps, until one of them furrowed his brow.
“Wait a minute, don’t Minotaurs walk on two legs?” the pony asked.
“Well, yeah, there’s them. But this guy ain’t no Minotaur and he certainly ain’t no pony for that matter!”
“And do you guys think it’s weird that the Princesses took so long to do something about this?” an earth pony asked. “This isn’t the first time this happened, but they’re usual on the ball about monster attacks.”
“Maybe they’re the ones responsible for the monster,” the pegasus remarked.
“Until we see some proof, we better hold our tongues,” another pony said. “They could be listening to us right now.” The construction ponies looked up and shifted their eyes left and right nervously.
“You see, Sasquatch? This is what you did.” Lyra pointed to all of the buildings he broke into. “A lot of these ponies live on those buildings, and you destroyed most of them. And that is a big no-no.”
Lyra heard a scream that came from behind her. A beige mare with a raspberry red mane was trembling where she stood, her eyes refusing to look away from the monstrosity that laid before her. “It’s the… it’s the… m-m-monster!”
“Rose, it’s okay,” Lyra said. “I’m on a mission to teach him how to be a proper member of society.” Rose screamed once more and left a cloud of dust behind her when she ran away, yelling at the top of her lungs, “Monster! Monster!” The other ponies took noticed, and saw Lyra standing with the hair-covered behemoth. Before Lyra could say “Bob’s your uncle,” everypony locked themselves indoors. The streets of the semi-reconstructed Ponyville was now a ghost town. “Um, it might take a while for them to get used to you, Sasquatch.”
“Spike, did you find that book I wanted yet?” Twilight asked.
“Yep, it’s right here,” Spike answered. It was a book that was almost twice the size of his hands, but not too heavy that he couldn’t carry it. “The Big Encyclopedia of Mythical Beasts and Monsters - Fourth Edition.”
“Thanks, Spike.” Purple magic encircled the book and she carried it to her desk. “I need to find out what kind of creature Sasquatch is. He’s nothing like the kind of monsters we find in Equestria before.”
“Maybe he’s a new species,” Spike suggested. “You know, like evolution and natural selection and stuff.”
“That’s highly improbable, Spike. In order for natural selection to take place, organisms have to be suited to an environment in order to survive and reproduce successfully, making well-adapted descendants in the process. Evolution and natural selection do not make weird animals appear out of thin air, especially ones like Sasquatch.”
“It could happen.”
Twilight browse through the pages of the encyclopedia, her eyes scanning for any pictures of monsters that looked like Sasquatch. A knock on the door interrupted her investigation. “Spike, can you get that?”
Spike approached the door and opened it. “Welcome to the Ponyville Libra--” His words were cut off by a familiar, and terrifying sight. Lyra and Sasquatch stood next to each other like really good friends, something Spike always feared would happened. “M-m-mon…”
“Who is it, Spike?”
“It’s the… it’s the… the…”
“The… the… the…” Lyra mimicked. “Yes, it’s Sasquatch the Big Hairy Monster. Don’t worry Spike, he’s not going to hurt you. Can I talk to Twilight?”
“Why?”
“Spike, what’s wrong?” Twilight asked. She realized why he was stalling and smiled at her visitors. “Oh. Hi Lyra, Mr. Sasquatch. Come in.” The two companions entered the library, immediately causing flashbacks of the hostage situation to invade Spike’s memories. “I’m going to talk to that purple pony over there. Behave yourself, Sasquatch. And don’t break anything.” Lyra went to the corner of the room where Twilight was sitting. Spike kept his distance between him and Sasquatch, but the baby dragon squirmed when the hairy monster growled at him.
“So Lyra, what brings you here?” Twilight asked.
“Friendship report.”
“Already? It’s not even lunchtime, and you and Sasquatch learned a valuable lesson about friendship? That’s wonderful!” Twilight exclaimed, stars gleaming in her eyes. She levitated a paper and quill to Spike’s hands. “Spike, take a letter! So Lyra, what did you two learn?”
“Sasquatch and I learned that it’s never nice to break other ponies’ stuff, and he’s very sorry,” Lyra answered. “You got any of that Spike?”
“... Really? That’s all you two learned?” Twilight asked.
“Yep. If you ask me, we accomplished a lot today.” Magic engulfed the paper and quill and were released from Spike’s hands. The objects returned to Twilight’s desk.
“Lyra, there has to be something more than that.”
“What? We learned to never break private and public property ever again. I think that counts as a friendship lesson.”
“Lessons of friendship are much deeper than that,” Twilight explained. “They show who you are as an individual. When I first arrived in Ponyville, I only had a vague idea of what friendship was. Then Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Fluttershy, and Pinkie Pie showed me that differences and backgrounds are secondary when it comes to forming meaningful bonds. Without them, I would have never found out that we had the magic of the Elements of Harmony inside us. Do you see what I mean?”
“... No, not really.” Twilight groaned inwardly. This is going to be harder than I thought, she said in her mind. “Okay, so how do I make it, you know… meaningful and deep?” Lyra asked.
“You could see if there are any ponies who have problems that need to be solved,” Twilight suggested.
“One problem, nopony wants to touch Sasquatch with a ten foot pole.”
“I can’t imagine why,” Spike mumbled.
“Well, we could visit some of my friends today. I always have a friendship lesson ready when I’m around them,” Twilight said.
“You think they’ll be afraid of Sasquatch?” Lyra asked. “Because Applejack, Pinkie, and Rainbow already met him. I’m not sure about Pinkie, but Jack and Dash aren’t too fond of him.”
“I wouldn’t worry about those two that much,” Twilight said. “They are mistrustful of anything that’s weird and different, it’s in their nature.” Lyra put her hoof under her chin. Will be a good idea to properly introduced Sasquatch to Twilight’s friends? Would Applejack or Rainbow Dash attempt to provoke him intentionally? A minute of thinking passed and Lyra shrugged herself.
“Fine, let’s go see what your friends are up to.”
“Great! Spike, it’s time to go, we can look at that book later.” Twilight closed the encyclopedia and placed it in its proper place on the shelf. They were about to leave until Lyra noticed something.
“Where’s Sasquatch?” she asked. They heard books falling on the ground and saw Sasquatch reading on of them, a book Twilight tried to stop him from reading.
“No Sasquatch, don’t touch that!” she yelled. The book growled and bit Sasquatch’s nose with its razor teeth. The hairy cryptid was running in circles, screaming in pain. Twilight shot magic bolts from her horn that hit the book. The book whimpered and crawled under a silverware closet.
“I’ll get a band-aid.”
Yo Previously on Lyra & Sasquatch sho 'nuff!
Yo Lyra wuz walking in da forest when she seen uh big hairy monster, ya dig? Yo she kidnapped him and took him home, and she ganked him some gear but he began ta destroy the crib jus' like Orenthawl James! Yo he escaped and he rampaged through the hood and Lyra had to catch him! You know dat's right!
Yo she caught him but he became mad, you know wat I'm sayin' and Rainbow Dash hit him wif lightning! What chew thinkin' man? Yo Princess Celestia and Luna had a fight to see what to do wif him, and they agreed to let him stay in Ponyville, but he has to learn the value of friendship. Slap mah frol!
We now return to our story, so shut up and read! Or Imma bust a cap up yo butt!
Despite the small bandage that was covering his nose, Sasquatch felt the seething pain from Twilight’s magic book. If he had the chance he would have ripped the book to shreds and burn the remains, but it was too late. Soon he found himself walking outside again with Lyra, Twilight and Spike. He had not an idea of where they were taking him. Back to the forest perhaps? Sasquatch sure hoped so. Sadly, it was not so.
“So what’s our first stop?” asked Lyra.
“I was thinking that maybe we should teach Sasquatch some basic social skills,” said Twilight.
“How are we going to teach this him social skills?” asked Spike. “He can barely make complete sentences. And he throws stuff when he’s angry.” Sasquatch threw his fist on top of Spike’s head, which prompted Lyra to strengthen her grip on his leash.
“No! Bad Sasquatch!” she yelled. “No hitting!” Sasquatch growled under his teeth while Lyra glared at him. In the background the group heard gasps and screams around them. The last thing the residents of Ponyville wanting to see was a monster as big as them walking freely in their quiet town. Mothers snatched their children, store owners locked their doors, and dogs tried to bark the monster away. Sasquatch would not have any of it. He waved his arms and screeched like an angry gorilla. “Everypony, it’s okay! He’s with me!” Lyra called out.
“Why is that thing on a leash?” a stallion yelled. “You keeping it as a pet?”
“Are you crazy?” a mare yelled.
“You don’t have to worry about anything,” Lyra said. “I’m on an important mission to teach him the values of friendship! Before you know it, the monster you see before you will be a civilized member of society!”
The townsponies took a moment to consider the unicorn’s words. Their final verdict was to leave the streets deserted. A tumbleweed passed them a minute later. “So much for that,” Lyra commented. A deep bellowing snarling sound was audible to all ears.
“What is that?” Spike asked fearfully. “Another monster?”
“No, that’s just Sasquatch’s stomach,” Lyra said. “We hadn’t eaten anything since breakfast this morning. Isn’t that right, big guy?” Sasquatch rubbed his furry belly which made the gurgling sounds even louder.
“How about we all grab a bite to eat,” Twilight suggested.
“One question,” Spike said. “What do… Sasquatches eat?”
“I’ll have a hayburger with a side order of fries and a cola,” a pony ordered. The Burger Queen was a popular fast food restaurant chain in Equestria, and each day at lunch the place was always filled with hungry ponies, young and old. Twilight, Lyra, Spike, and Sasquatch chose this place as their destination for lunch.
“Hayburgers,” Lyra said. “The cornerstone of any nutritious breakfast.”
“But it’s lunch,” Spike said.
Sasquatch was not particularly enjoying himself in this new environment. The ponies who saw him from yesterday steered cleared from him, some of them even changing their order “to go.” Many of them left without having receiving their order. With one single movement made from Sasquatch, the entire restaurant was empty, save for the employees.
“Alright, we’re first in line,” Lyra exclaimed. The strange party walked up to the counter. A frightful employee emerged from under the counter, shivering and shifting his eyes, and sweating profoundly.
“M-may I help you?” he stammered.
“I’ll have the Monarch Burger, no pickles, no onions, extra cheese, and a cola,” Lyra said.
“I’ll have a Regular Hayburger with cheese, no pickles, no onions, with a diet cola,” Twilight said.
“I’ll take the cheese fries, with jalapenos,” Spike said, “and can you add some crystals on it.”
“What does Sasquatch want?” Twilight asked. Sasquatch’s curiosity lead him to pick up the cash register from the counter.
“Hey! You can’t touch that,” the employee yelled. Sasquatch growled furiously at him, and the employee hid under the counter again. Sasquatch pressed every single button on the register until money came falling out.
“Twilight, shouldn’t we do something about this?” Spike asked.
“Yes, but I think it’s funny,” she said. After being entertained, Twilight levitated the cash register back into the counter and placed the money in its right place. “I’m sorry about that sir,” she said. “Sasquatch will take a kids’ meal.”
“A kids’ meal?” Lyra said. “Twilight, look how big he is! It’s going to take more than a kids’ meal to fill his stomach!”
“You know what, here! Take all of it! It’s free!” the employee said. He gave each of them a bag full of goodies, then he jumped over the counter and ran out the door, screaming and running for his life.
“Cool, free food,” said Lyra. “Let’s get our grub on.” The party sat in a booth next to the window, which had the view of a moderately destroyed but semi-completed neighborhood. “You know, it’s really amazing that Sasquatch did all of this,” Lyra said, chewing through her food. “He’s like the Incredible Bulk or something.”
“I wouldn’t call it amazing, more like downright terrifying,” Spike commented. “He did tie us up and held us hostage, right Twilight?”
“He might be a monster, but I really find him fascinating for some reason,” Twilight said. She watched Sasquatch trying to figure out how eat this strange food. “For example, what are those things on his… hooves?”
“I think they’re called digits,” Lyra said. “It’s kind of like Spike’s claws, only they’re not sharp and scaly.”
“He’s unlike any monster I have ever seen before,” Twilight said. “It’s amazing how he can stand on two legs.”
“Don’t Minotaurs walk on two legs?” Spike asked.
“Everypony forgets about them for some reason,” said Lyra. “I think it’s prejudice.”
“It’s not prejudice, it’s just that we don’t really notice them that much,” Twilight explained.
“Yeah, prejudice.”
“Stop calling it prejudice, Lyra.”
“You know, I was thinking about something,” Spike said. “How come we don’t see any zebras here, besides Zecora?”
“Zebras live in a far away land, and it would take them a very long time to get here,” Twilight said.
“What about Zecora?”
“Maybe she was born here. I don’t know, she really doesn’t talk about herself that much.”
“Is Zecora that one Zebra that rhymes a lot?” Lyra asked.
“Oh yeah.”
“If she could, she could win every single rap battle.”
“I’m not sure about that, Lyra,” Twilight said. “Her style is more poetic and personal. I doubt she would want to enter a rap contest.”
“I don’t know about that, Twilight,” Spike said. “She is pretty good with words. She even found rhymes for words I didn’t know could rhyme together. Zecora should really write a book.”
Sasquatch took hold of the burger and took a single bite. Condiments spilled out of the sandwich, staining his brown fur, followed by an avalanche of pickles and onions. He wanted to throw the sandwich across the room, but he was so hungry he decided to eat it anyway. He’ll vent his rage into something else later.
“Enjoying that sandwich buddy?” Lyra asked.
“It’s really uncomfortable to eat in front of him,” Spike said.
“Hey Twilight, has your brother ever visited Ponyville before,” Lyra asked.
“I don’t remember if he ever has.”
“We should really get him and Cadence to visit here sometime, it’ll be fun.”
“We just have to get Sasquatch out of the way,” Spike mumbled.
Sasquatch continued to eat his messy burger, until he saw strange figures appear before him. The phantoms were standing over Twilight and Spike. His eyes widen with shock when he saw it was the same figures that met him on the moon. The Former Presidents of the United States, George Washington and Abraham Lincoln were paying him an unexpected visit.
“Remember Sasquatch,” Washington said. “Don’t be afraid of challenges. Don’t be afraid of this new world. You have a great destiny ahead of you.”
“Sasquatch, you must go to the Dagobah System,” Lincoln said. “There you will meet Yoda, the Jedi master who has instructed me.”
“... Must you do that Abraham?” The phantoms returned to their own plane of existence. The frightened Sasquatch hooted and pointed at what had just occurred.
“He’s acting crazy again,” said Spike, “what’s wrong with him?”
“I don’t know, he’s just doing what he does…”
When their bellies were filled, the party continued their mission to teach Sasquatch basic social skills. Sasquatch kept his eyes high just in case the two phantoms came back to haunt him again.
“He’s acting really strange,” Spike said. “What happened to the ferocious monster from yesterday?”
“He’s probably nervous that he’s about to meet other ponies,” Lyra said. “I don’t blame him. If I caused destruction to a town, only to have to be friends with them the next day, I’ll be pretty nervous too.”
“Who should we introduce to him first?” Spike asked. Twilight thought about the perfect candidates for Sasquatch’s first friendship lesson. Looking around she saw two familiar faces standing on an intersection. Apple Bloom and Scootaloo stood under a stop sign, both wearing frowns on their faces.
“Hi girls,” Twilight said. “What are doing here?”
“We’re waiting for Sweetie Belle to come meet us, but she hasn’t arrived yet,” Apple Bloom answered.
“It’s the second time this happened,” Scootaloo added. “The first time we waited so long for her, we started to question the nature of the universe. We also saw a pony jump off a roof.”
“... Oh. Don’t worry, I’m sure she’s on her way. I’d like you two to meet a friend of ours.” Twilight motioned for Lyra to bring Sasquatch over. The fillies backed away in fear when the tall beast came closer.
“Don’t worry, he’s not going to hurt you,” Lyra said. “His name is Sasquatch. He’s new here.”
“Isn’t that the monster that destroyed the town?” Scootaloo asked.
“He didn’t destroy the town. He was confused and reacted out of fear,” Lyra explained. “Besides, he’s on a leash.”
“I ain’t going near that thing,” Apple Bloom said. “He tried to eat Wynonna!”
“He doesn’t eat dogs, Apple Bloom. He eats a balanced diet of fruits, vegetables, chocolate, and paper.”
“Yeah, right.”
While they were arguing, a familiar white filly ran to where Apple Bloom and Scootaloo were standing. “Sorry I’m late,” Sweetie Belle said. “My sister wanted me to try on these dresses she made and I…” she lost track when she took note of the tall, brown furry giant standing in front of her. “What is that thing?” she shrieked.
“It’s the monster that destroyed Ponyville,” Scootaloo answered.
“Oh no!”
“Girls, he didn’t destroy Ponyville,” said Lyra. “He had a normal reaction to a new environment.”
“Messing up buildings and scaring ponies ain’t a normal reaction,” Apple Bloom called out.
“He should be put inside a cage,” Scootaloo said. “Rainbow Dash did the right thing to strike it with lightning!”
“That’s not a nice thing to say,” Twilight said. “I know his appearance might be intimidating and he has not made a very good first impression, but give him a chance.”
“Why should we?” Apple Bloom asked.
“Because I know what it feels like to be a stranger in a strange land. When I arrived here three years ago, I didn’t know how I was going to make friends here. Then I realized that friendship was the most powerful force in the universe. Who knows, by the time Sasquatch learns much about friendship, you girls might find a connection with him as Lyra did. So what do you say?”
“That ain’t going to cut it,” Apple Bloom said. “Come on, ya’ll. Let’s get out of here.” The Cutie Mark Crusaders dispersed and left Sasquatch to continue his gaze at the sky.
“I never knew kids could be so mean,” Lyra commented.
Bank robberies don’t normally happen in Ponyville. When they do, there are not successful. This was one of those times. Bon-Bon stood behind her booth and watched a would-be bank robber pathetically calling for everypony to place their money and other belongings inside a sock.
“Alright! Put the money in the bag! I said put it in! Attica!”
“Sir, may I help you,” Bon-Bon asked with boredom in her voice.
“You! Put everything you have in the bag!”
“Sir, that’s clearly a sock,” Bon-Bon replied. “May I help you with anything?”
“Um… I like to see what I have in my checking account.”
“I need to see some identification and your account number.” The bank robber gave Bon-Bon his information and she checked her computer. The bank waited patiently for Bon-Bon’s response. “Sir, you currently have zero dollars and zero bits in both your checking and savings.”
“Oh.”
“Is there anything else I can do for you?”
“No thanks, I’m good.”
“Have a nice a day.”
Meanwhile, in the throne room of the Royal Sisters, Princess Celestia lounged on her golden throne reading a novel. She had a meeting not too long ago with the Prince of the Griffon Kingdom. As always, the Prince was obnoxious and boastful, as was all Griffons. However, over the years he did managed to learn pony etiquette.
She was so immerse in her book that she did not noticed that another visitor came into the room. “Sister,” a familiar said. Celestia looked up and saw her young sister, Luna, standing before her with a serious look.
“What is it, Luna?”
“I want to talk to you about our discussion from the night before.”
“You mean the whole Sasquatch thing? Luna, I’m sure Twilight has everything under control.”
“That’s what I’m concerned about,” Luna said. “What if she doesn’t have everything under control? What if she looks away for one minute and the monster wreaks havoc again. Something like that should have never happened.”
Celestia closed her book and looked at Luna straight in the eyes. “Twilight is a smart pony, and is brilliant than anypony I have ever met. You can’t lose faith in her.”
“And what about that Lyra character,” Luna added. “I don’t trust her at all. I don’t think she knows what she is doing. By bringing that monster into our midst, she is putting herself and everypony around her in danger.”
“Not with Twilight monitoring them,” Celestia said.
“That monster is a menace to us all! And it’s going to take more than Twilight to realize that! You can’t seem to grasp what kind of danger you put our subjects in Celestia!”
“Don’t you dare talk to me like that!”
“That’s the attitude I was talking about! If we really want our subjects to be safe, you have to take this matter seriously! That’s why I hired a professional.” Celestia was about to make a remark, but by Luna mentioning a “professional” had Celestia lost in her words.
“A professional?”
“Yes. Last night after you had that monster stay in Ponyville, I contacted a stallion who agreed to help us with watching over Ponyville. He should be here any minute to discuss the terms and conditions.”
“Who did you hire?” Celestia asked.
Her answer came when the doors to the throne room kicked opened. Standing at the entrance was a gray stallion with a black mane and tale. He was tall, thin, and wore a white collar shirt with a black suit jacket complete with a black necktie. His black shades concealed his eyes.
“Hello. Princess Celesita, Princess Luna. My name is Agent Nighthawk. I’m a member of the Equestrian Bureau of Investigation of Paranormal and Unexplained Phenomena. EBIPUP. How may I be of service to you?”
“Agent Nighthawk, I’m very glad you have arrived,” Luna saw. The two bowed to each other. “We have much to discuss.”
“... Where did you say you were from?” Celestia asked nervously.
“EBIPUP. We investigate strange activity that can’t be explained by neither science or magic - like alien abductions, ghosts, mutants, and stupidity.”
“... Stupidity?” Celestia asked again.
“It’s an epidemic we’re trying to cure. Sadly, we have found none. It’s spreading at a higher rate than we thought possible. I don’t think ponykind is going to survive.”
“I don’t follow.”
“Ha. Just a little government humor. Anyway, on to business. Princess Luna said that a monster is loose in Ponyville, correct?”
“Indeed. One of our more… eccentric subjects has managed to keep it as a pet,” Luna said. “My elder sister naively believes that the beast can easily assimilate into society, but I have my doubts. I want you to go to Ponyville and monitor every movement that monster makes.”
“Understood,” Nighthawk said. He took a small notepad and a pen. “What does this monster look like?”
“He’s at least twelve feet tall, with brown hair all over its body, and he stood upright on two legs,” Luna said.
“That is weird. Don’t worry, I’ll make sure to keep my eye on this monster. That’s what the EBIPUP is for.”
“Is that all what the EBIPUP does?” Celestia asked.
“I’m not at liberty to reveal all of the contents my agency does, not even to other authority figures,” Nighthawk explain. “But for you, I’ll make an exception. Every once in a while, things happen that ponies can’t seem to rationalize in their own conventional way. Ponies want to know if their government has a response. The EBIPUP is that response. We are many, we are few. For all the amazing, the incredible, the fantastic, and the uncanny, there is always something beneath the surface.”
“That is… informative,” Celesita said, not sure of what to make of all of this. For her entire lifetime, she had never known an organization like this even existed. It was impossible for an organization like this to exist. Celestia dared not to dwell deep into this, but the more she did, she could not help but look suspiciously at her young sister. Was this organization Luna’s idea, she thought to herself.
“A private chariot to Ponyville is waiting for you on the west wing of the castle,” Luna said. “I put a protective spell on it to make sure you will not be seen.”
“Thank you, Your Highness. I appreciate you giving me this mission.” Nighthawk bowed to the Royal Sisters and made his way to the private chariot. Before he disappeared he turned back to Celestia. “Oh, one more thing,” he said to her. “We placed recording devices inside the home of Princess Cadence and Shining Armor. They had an interesting discussion last night. I think they’re planning a coup.”
“What?” Celestia asked in shock.
“Ha. More government humor… but seriously, I would watch out for them if I were you.” Agent Nighthawk exited the throne room, leaving a satisfied Luna and a dumbfounded Celestia behind.
Agent Nighthawk was coming to town.
Sasquatch’s snores were loud enough to awake the smallest colts in Ponyville. It was suddenly his afternoon nap and he slept on the middle of the street for everypony to see, but nopony dared to come close to the sleeping beast. Lyra, Twilight and Spike stood guard over him while the locals looked on.
“When is he going to wake up?” Spike asked. “I feel weird standing over here.”
“He’ll be awake soon. Don’t worry,” said Lyra. A crowd formed around them but they kept their distance. Some looked on in confusion while others watched in fear and disgust. Despite the murmurs, Lyra knew what they were talking about. Questions of whether Sasquatch has died even came up.
“Why is everypony staring at us?” asked Spike.
“Because there is a giant hairy monster sleeping in the middle of the street,” Lyra said. Grunting noises startled her and she found that Sasquatch was about to wake from his afternoon slumber. As he picked himself off of the ground, the crowd dispersed quickly like frightened deer. Sasquatch yawned and scratched his thighs and head. “You had a nice rest buddy?” Lyra asked.
“Maybe we should continue with finding a friendship lesson for Mr. Sasquatch,” Twilight said. “I was thinking Sweet Apple Acres might have one waiting for him.”
“Whoa, wait, Applejack’s place?” Lyra asked. “I don’t know.”
“Why not? It would be perfect.”
“Applejack thought Sasquatch tried to eat her dog,” Lyra said. “Which clearly did not happened.”
“Don’t worry Lyra, I’m pretty sure she has forgotten about by now. Applejack is not the type of pony that holds grudges.”
“I don’t know, I think I’m with Lyra on this,” Spike said. “Couldn’t we try somepony easier, like Fluttershy? Or perhaps Pinkie?”
“We’re going to Sweet Apple Acres and that’s final,” Twilight said. Lyra and Spike gave each other unsure looks while Sasquatch was still confused to what was happening. Without any further arguments, everypony followed Twilight to Sweet Apple Acres.
The eldest of the Apple siblings, Applejack and Macintosh, were seated at opposite ends of the kitchen table. Applejack held her head with her forehooves, deep in thought. Mac held a newspaper along with a pencil, trying to complete a crossword puzzle.
“Big Mac, is it normal that I find myself wearing stallion clothes and going to bars at night to pick up fillies?” Applejack asked.
“... Who the heck starts a conversation like that?!”
Before things became awkward, they both heard three knocks on the front door. Applejack decided that she would open it, already feeling that she embarrassed herself in front of her brother. A friendly, but ugly sight greeted her - Lyra, Twilight, Spike… and the monster from last night.
“What in tarnation?!” Without a moment to react, Sasquatch was suddenly tackled to the ground by the orange farmpony. She grabbed her lasso that was hidden under her stetson and she tied Sasquatch’s arms and legs together.
“Applejack, wait!” Lyra yelled.
“Don’t worry y’all! I got that dang monster on his feet! Now somepony call animal control!”
“Applejack, stop! He’s with us,” Lyra said.
“Pardon?”
“You probably missed the memo, but Princess Celestia wants us to teach him about friendship.” Applejack looked down at Sasquatch, who was squirming and growling at her. Then she looked to Lyra and Twilight. Spike was hiding under the porch steps.
“You mean this monster here is going to be living with us?”
“Yep, that was the deal.”
Applejack did not want to do it. If it was up to her, she would have kept him tied up and sold him to the farthest mine field in Equestria, but as mentioned, it was an order from the Royal Sisters. With a defeated sigh she untied the rope, releasing Sasquatch’s arms and legs. Sasquatch jumped to his feet and growled at her, but Lyra ran to him before he could do any harm.
“Relax, buddy,” she said. “She didn’t mean it. Her name is Applejack. She’s our friend.”
“Twilight, did anypony die?” Spike asked, still hiding under the porch steps.
“Everything’s okay Spike, you can stop hiding now.” Spike climbed from under the steps and joined the others. Twilight thought it was a good idea to continue the discussion inside.
“So… what is he?” Applejack asked. Everypony sat around the table watching Sasquatch devour a whole basket of fresh apples. It fascinated, as well as disgusted most of them.
“I’m not sure,” said Lyra. “I think he’s kind of like a mix between a gorilla and a bear.”
“A gorilla? There ain’t no gorillas around these here parts.”
“I don’t know what he is either,” Twilight added. “I’ve never seen anything like him before.”
“I think he’s a new evolutionary species,” Spike said. He shifted uncomfortably when all eyes were on him. “Not that I care or anything.”
“So what are y’all doing with him?” Macintosh asked.
“Well, we’re trying to teach him the values of friendship,” Lyra answered. “The only problem is that nopony wants to be friends with Sasquatch… at all.”
“I can’t say I blame them, after what he done the other day,” Applejack said. “Scaring everypony, almost destroying the town, and trying to eat my dog.”
Lyra groaned under her breath, knowing she had to speak up for her new friend. “Applejack, the whole thing with Fiona Apple…”
“Her name’s Wynonna Apple!”
“Whatever. The whole thing with Wynonna wasn’t Sasquatch’s fault. It was my fault - yesterday, Fluttershy gave me this special whistle that I can use on him, I didn’t know why Wynonna was following me around. It wasn’t until I woke up in the middle of the night and realized it was a dog whistle.”
“So that’s why she ran off,” Applejack said.
“Exactly. I don’t think Sasquatch eats dogs.”
“Not that we know of,” Spike said.
“Not helping.”
“Don’t worry Applejack, as long as Sasquatch is with Lyra and I, everything will be a-okay,” Twilight said. “You can trust us.”
“I still don’t know if I’m okay with him out and about in public,” said Applejack. “I know little foals will have a fright by just looking at him.”
“Not to worry Jackie,” Lyra said.
“Don’t call me that.”
“Sorry, but besides the whole terrorizing the town last night, he’s a total teddy bear, right Sasquatch? Sasquatch?” The basket of apples was empty, as was the chair Sasquatch was sitting on. When they heard grunts coming from the living room everypony decided to see what was happening, only to find Sasquatch trying to operate the telephone. Sasquatch held the receiver on his head and accidently pressed the speed dial button. The phone rang until somepony from the other line answered.
“This is Braeburn at your service.”
“Rrragh.”
“Hello?”
“Rrrgghhh.”
“Hello?”
“Grrrrlll…”
“... Big Mac is that you?”
“GrrrRarrrgh.”
“You don’t sound too good. What’s wrong with ya?”
“Blarrgh!”
“You sound like you have a mighty sore throat. Well, drink plenty of vitamin C, get a good rest, and don’t talk too much. I’ll call ya back when ya feel all better. Tell Applejack and Apple Bloom I said hi!” Braeburn hung up, which sent Sasquatch on a frenzy. He yelled at the dial tone and pointed it out to the others watching him, wishing somepony would explain this sorcery to him.
“We’re trying to teach him social skills,” Lyra explained.
“Good luck with that,” said Mac.
Agent Nighthawk finally arrived in Ponyville. From the look of all of the construction, he indicated that a monster had indeed laid waste to the small town. He took out his small notepad and wrote down everything he had seen the moment he arrived.
“Destroyed homes and shops. Construction workers. Residents in fear.”
Nighthawk gave a self-imposed tour of Ponyville. It seemed like a nice, quiet place to live, much different from the city he was raised in. He continued to adore the scenery until he stepped on a large footprint on the ground. Intrigued, he took out his magnifying glass and inspected it. Nighthawk took a sample of the dust and placed it under the magnifying glass. Once he was finished, he pulled out his notepad again and wrote his analysis.
“Large footprint. Not hoof shaped. Giant gorilla?”
“Hi sir,” a boyish voiced said. Agent Nighthawk turned around and saw a small brown colt with a propellor hat.
“Oh. Hello kid.”
“I’m Button Mash, what’s your’s?”
“Nighthawk. Agent Nighthawk.”
“Cool! What are you doing?”
“That, I cannot reveal to civilians as young as you. I’m on a very important assignment given to me from very important ponies. Why don’t you go play ball or something?” Button Mash looked down to where Nighthawk was kneeling and saw a giant footprint.
“Are you here about the monster?”
“I’m here for… wait, you know about the monster attack?” asked Nighthawk.
“Yeah! He was big and hairy, and he stole my ice cream!” This was a new development for Nighthawk. Maybe this kid could be a bit of help after all.
“Where is the monster? Is he still here?”
“I haven’t seen him since yesterday, but Rainbow Dash hit it with lightning. It was so cool!”
“But he is still here, right?”
“Probably,” Button answered. Nighthawk put a hoof under his chin to contemplate things. It was against the rules to include minors in investigations, but this child has seen the monster with his own eyes. He looked at the footprint behind him one last time before he gave Button his answer.
“Listen kid, I’m not supposed to be doing this, but will you help me - in secret - find the monster?”
“You bet!”
“Great.” He took out a small briefcase from his suit jacket and opened it, only to release a similar suit in Button’s size. “Put these on. You’re going to wearing it for quite a while.”
“Wow! This is just like Ponies in Black!”
“That’s right son, just like Ponies in Black…”
It was time for Lyra, Twilight, Spike, and Sasquatch to leave the Apple farm. Sasquatch was carrying another basket of apples, as an offering of peace from Applejack.
“Look here, uh… Sasquatch. No hard feelings, alright? I’m sorry for accusing you for eating Wynonna and tackling you on the ground like that.” She extended her hoof to him, however Sasquatch backed away and hooted.
“No, Sasquatch, she wants you to shake her hoof,” Lyra said. “Like this.” Lyra took Applejack’s hoof and shook it slowly so Sasquatch could see. “Now you try.”
Sasquatch nervously raised his arms and grabbed the top of Applejack’s hoof. Just like Lyra, he shook it. Although Applejack was thrown to the ground in one thrust. Lyra laughed like a wild hyena.
“Okay, he almost got it,” she said.
“Ha ha, that was really funny,” Applejack said. “Just be glad the two of us are good now.” Applejack bid them farewell, and Team Sasquatch was off once again to places unknown.
“That was great,” Lyra said. “Did we learn our friendship lesson now?”
“Not yet. We still have to see Pinkie, Rainbow, Rarity, and Fluttershy,” said Twilight. “Once they are out of the way, then you and Sasquatch will finally have your friendship lesson.”
“What are we supposed to learn?” asked Lyra. “I thought we were showing Sasquatch social skills.”
“We are, but I also want all of us to learn that the power of friendship can overcome petty fears and differences.”
“That’s noble of you, but that’s going to take a long time,” Spike said. “Especially how the rest of Ponyville reacts towards monsters.”
“He’s right. How are we going to show Ponyville that Sasquatch is friendly if they don’t give him a chance?”
“In my experience, I--” Twilight was stuck on her words as she watched as Sasquatch was being humped from behind by a giant falcon. Sasquatch tried to force the monster off of him, but to no avail.
“Well… that happened,” Spike said.
