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Chapter 1: Bacon/ Setting of the Mood (UNREVISED)
Chapter 1: Bacon/ Setting of the Mood
So, there I was, vampire/(Self proclaimed)Necromancer God, making sweet love to this guys chest with the business end of his own broadsword when, out of nowhere, I released my white, hot, load. I mean, I knew this guy had some storage gems lodged somewhere in the mosh pit that was his organs, but I only expected a little bit of power when I shattered it. I could absorb it easily, but I was so caught up in the act of making sweet sword love that I stumbled a little and maybe hopped dimensions a little bit. Ya'know.... just a stumble. The world seemed to implode around be like that one time I tried to date an overly attached Lich. I cry when I think back to her hugs. My organs would literally melt. I could practically hear the eighties power ballad in the back of my mind as I was forcefully sucked into the incomprehensible vortex that was everything but nothing at the same time. I was having a small panic attack till' I remembered what day it was and just went with the flow. It was Tuesday.
Opening my eyes, I found myself in a whirling red and black vortex. I had heard the vortex looked different for everyone since the real colors couldn't been seen by any living being. luckily, I did know what it looked like, since I had died one or twice after being flung out of the universe. Though, I usually just got flung back right into my own universe, but this time I kept going. I made like Super Lich and flew strait down the vortex, screaming in delight the whole way. If you hear a laughing maniac in the night, it was me.
About a minute later I find myself playing with myself. I groaned loudly as I finished. Extreme Jenga just wasn't fair when zooming down the seams that split realities.
After about a whole five minutes I contemplate suicide. I remember all I had to kill myself with was some skyscraper I found that I used for extreme Jenga and that just wouldn't do, now would it? It wouldn't. So I began thinking. About the fact that I was most likely never going to see my home again. If you hear screams of victory in your dreams, it was me. I had way to many cults trying to find and worship me. Once, some cult tried to breed me with a cow to create the devil or something. I'm ashamed to say I thought about it before massacring them. All of them. Even the cow. It was delicious.
After a few more minutes, I become curious. I reached my arm out to one of the vortexes walls. I knew what would happen. I would leave the vortex, and then end up in another universe. One theory is that anyone who ended up in another plane of existence would lock onto the largest source of power closest to where they ended up unless they physically tried not to. As my finger slowly entered the wall, it just stayed there. That's until, about twenty seconds later, it was TORN off of my hand! I ripped my had to my mouth and began to suckle on the stump of my finger as it began to regrow. I frowned at the vortex wall before LUNGING AT IT!
Canterlot Castle - Outside Private Dining Area
Princess Luna and Princess Celestia, rulers of the land of ponies known as Equestria sat at opposite ends of a short dining table as they ate in relative silence. They were outside on a balcony overlooking the Royal Gardens, eating there Royal food, Sitting on there Royal rumps. When Celestia drank a small sip of her wine, she felt a small spot of wetness on her muzzle. She lick it, assuming it was wine. It was not. She spit what she had just licked out of her mouth and onto the wooden table in front of her, startling Luna. She grabbed at her flowing mane, and vigorously rubbed her snout.
"Sister? Have you tasted something most fowl?" She asked, rather confused.
"I-I think some blood just landed on my snout,"
Celestia slowly looked up, as did Luna. A few seconds later, right in the center of the table plopped down a finger. Blood oozed out of one end, and as Celestia was about to speak, they both heard something quite peculiar. Screaming, from above them. It was hard to make out, but they assumed whatever it was said,
"OH GOD MY LEGS! WHY! WHYYYYY~" I screamed at the top of my quivering lungs.
Upon leaving the vortex, I was happy to find out I hadn't been cut in half. That is, until one of my legs kicked me in the face while I free fell. I hugged both of my legs as I fell to the ground, tears of blood soaking my face. I wasn't really in pain, but I was sad. Me and thos epair do legs had been through a lot. It had been a whole eight months since I had lost a pair of legs. It wasn't like I would lose my scars, don't ask why they stay after regeneration, but It was my pride that had been injured. My pride.
It was just a gosh darn shame. Legging go of my legs and wiping the bloody tears from my face, I looked down. Right before smashing face first into a slab of evergreen oak. No I didn't pass out, but I did cradle my pride's balls while I played still, face planted in the concrete below the now broken table I seemed to have landed on. Then I took a nap. NO! I did not pass out! I took a nap. I took a nap. A nice, long, nap. Okay, I passed out, it was the magic backlash from entering a new universe. But it could happen to anyone!
*Heavy Sigh With a Slight Side Dish of Light Facepalm*
Chapter 2 - Teaser/Torment (UNREVISED)
Chapter 2 - Teaser/Torment
I woke up on what seemed to be a concrete floor. Groaning, I slowly open my slightly glowing eyes and look around. I seem to be in a cell of some sort. Looking to my left I saw... a bed. A motherfucking bed! The bed I was placed NEXT to on a concrete floor in a cell. Damn. I don't care if the bed was small, common courtesy is something I happen to respect.
"Harrumph!" I Harrumphed, crossing my arms over my chest and puff out my cheeks.
I crawl over to the nearest wall and pull myself up from the ground, yawning. At least I wasn't neked! (Correct Spelling) A light smile on my lips and my hands on my wizardry waist, I wait. I could easily leave, but I wanted to meet my captors first. After a few minutes of chewing the end of my tongue off and feeling it regrow. Trippy shit. Two.. ponies show up. I don't judge, this is a different universe after all. Anyway, after a quick magic scan, they seem to just be rookies, or minions, or something else equally useless. Though, a magical signature was easily readable on their butts for some reason. They also seemed to have tattoos there. Weird.
"Greetings creature," The white one with the flowing rainbow mane said, using her one eye (the other was covered by hair for some reason) to look me over.
The blue one with the star filled mane who I already liked ten times for than the white one just nodded. I always loved the night, I suppose it had something to do with the whole Necromancer thing. I dunno. She looked me over with TWO eyes. Shocker right?
"Sup, Sunbutt," I greet, a goofy smile she couldn't see graced my elegant lips. Her butt emblem was a sun and the others was a moon. I was starting to like the blue one who was now hiding a smile under her hoof. I rubbed the cloth over my mouth to stop the blood from running down my mouth. If you forgot why I had blood running down my mouth, shame.
Sunbutt narrowed her eye(s?) at me and continued talking.
"I am Princess Celestia of Equestria, this," She said, motioning to the pony next to her, " Is my sister, Princess Luna of Equestria. What is your business in my- Our land here creature?" She asked, a few hints of venom in her voice.
'That speech trip. There's a story there' I though as I nonchalantly shifted through the prison bars to the shock of the princesses. Thinking back, why were the rulers of a land so weak? I suppose they could be the peace loving type. As I began to walk in the general direction of away, I was sumo slammed into the wall by way of telekinesis.
"The hell?!" I shut off her spell with a thought and quickly locked all her muscles. The look of shock that was stuck on her face from my shutting off her little spell was priceless. I blushed a little as my thoughts wandered, "I'll have you know, you just caught me off guard," I hated being overpowered.
Luna looked at me in utter shock and anger. Composing herself, she shouted, "Who do you think you are?! Release my sister!" She shouted, ready for a fight.
"Kay," I said, releasing the spell on Sunbutt.
She looked so dumbfounded I couldn't hold in my laughter.
"Anyway, my name's-"
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Chapter 3: How I Met the Elements of Gay Pride (Total Teaser, Hope You Suffer) (UNREVISED)
Chapter 3: How I Met the Elements of Gay Pride (Total Teaser, Hope You Suffer)
"You know what, I forgot my name," I say, looking at the princesses. For some reason they looked sad. "Most people call me Monster, Abomination, Pedomancer, Lord Almighty and Tentacle Rapist. I will not deny any of these accusations, but it's just plain rude ain't it?
I think I broke the princesses right about there. They blabbed something about me being a danger to pony society and I should leave or they'd user the powers of gay pride. I just zoned them out and thought about life. Yep... Life. I though of my dream house. it would be a generic evil castle with the most extreme of horrors around every corner. I would have vampire guards that would attract teenage girls to do their bidding. They would have abs, and sparkle in the sun, just because.
Anyway, I was rudely interrupted when my feet went numb, looking down, my feet were stone! What the fuck?! My first thought was 'Why am I being stone?' My second thought was, 'Why are there a bunch of ponies looking at me like I made something personal while wearing plastic necklaces with some kind of gems in them. Instead of giving them a reason to feel better about their puny little selves, I broke my legs off at the point where the stone currently was and slowly stood up as I regenerated my legs. They were gaping at me like they wanted to blow me- I'm going to end that thought right there before it breaks you.
I just kind of stood there, being badass.
Just so you know, none of what I just told you really happened. Nope. Not at all. For the real story go to my blog about why 9/11 wasn't real, I also cover the moon landing, and why this chapter isn't real.
'Http://NoSomeLonelyTeenagerWithIssuesThatNooneCaresAboutButThinksTheyDo.net/org/com
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Chapter 4: Inspiring Words That Make You Think: Am I the one reading this chapter? Or is it my soul? My internal being? Also, tacos. (UNREVISED)
Chapter 4: Inspiring Words That Make You Think: Am I the one reading this chapter? Or is it my soul? My internal being? Also, tacos.
"-... You know what, just in case you're more powerful than you let on, I'm not telling you my name. I hate naming magic." I responded. "Just call me... Hmmm... Lich." Then, Celestia told me the funniest joke I had heard in decades!
"We would never hurt another being who doesn't wish of ill will. Equestria is a peaceful land." She had one of the best poker faces I had ever seen! The only better poker face was that one guy who lost his face. I think I ripped it off, along with most of his throat. With my teeth. FUN TIMES! I was laughing my ass off in front of Tia for a good few minutes. I regret nothing.
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Chapter 5: I'm back baby! AHM' BACK IN BLACK! (UNREVISED)
Chapter 5: I'm back baby! AHM' BACK IN BLACK!
I gave Celestia and Luna the rundown of basically what my world was like and they were appalled. They were all wide mouthed like the prostitute I hired a few weeks prior. Trained gag reflex my ass. In turn they gave me the rundown of their world. I was kind of half tuned into the conversation about halfway through, and for a good reason. These two ponies with maybe enough power to take out a cadet of the royal army? They were two of the most POWERFUL creatures in the world as a whole. I mean, damn. They were considered goddesses. Keep in mind, I am NOT nice whatsoever. My mind was clouded by the thoughts of what kind of shit I could do.
My favorite so far was trying to convince them I was some kind of God. Luckily, I could get a good reaction out of them since they hadn't noticed my magical power. I had several runes burned into my back. Two of them made my 'magical container' increase sevenfold and the other two burned into my back concealed my magic in a way. Increased my container slightly more since it stopped it from overflowing and being detected. The other one was actually meant to conceal my magic so my cover wasn't blown whenever I went into town for milk.
Getting those things burned on was a hard thing to pull off as well! First, I had to craft a brand of sorts that had the shape of a rune, then I had to back up into them m whilst they were white hot. Good thing I was a necromancer and could more or less control my pain levels. The runes were always covered by my clothing which consisted of, of course, some ragged cloak and a mask. People never usually saw my mask, since it was hidden in the shadow of my hood, but it was there. One side was black and the other was light grey. The black seemed to be seeping into the grey side. Some might say it looks like me. One side was black and evil, the other was grey, more rational, but my evil side was more dominant. I say it's some cool mask I found a corpse.
I was currently sitting, or more accurately, lounging with my feet up on the table with some other ponies. Celestia and Luna were sitting on either end of the long table we were currently seated at. I sat to the left of Luna, she had just finished briefing me about all the other ponies. I liked her the most and I had a feeling she was starting to warm up to me. The ponies that were beginning to fill the middle seats included Shining Armor, Cadence, Twilight Sparkle and Blueblood.
The first pony to enter into the large room was Twilight Sparkle.
The big tall doors were pushed open my purple colored magic as she entered. The alicorn quickly scanned the room before her eyes locked onto me for a few creepy seconds. I swear I saw some kind of lust to sate her thirst for curiosity. I was thousands of times more powerful than her and I felt unsettled. Damn. She finally snapped her eyes onto Celestia and giddily trotted over to her. Celestia hugged her while sitting down because she was big boned or something so she could be lazy as fuck. She took her seat near Celestia. They seemed close. She was lavender with dark purple hair that had a lighter purple, almost pink, stripe running through it. (( Authors note: Kinda like Stocking ))
The next runner up was none other than Shining Armor the Jock, and Cadence (don't make me spell out her full fucking name) the Damsel in Distress. Actually now, I had a feeling Cadence was the kind of person (pony if you will) that dominated in the bedroom. The pretty-pink-pony-princess looked like she had anorexia, but looking at her gave me a weird feeling. One I hadn't felt in a long time... was it love?
Hell no! I think it was a bowel movement or something. Sometimes when I regenerate a large part of my body my bodily functions reactivated for a while since I was technically dead. Sort of. A little. It makes kinky nurse role play awkward when they try to find a heartbeat.
Jock was a white white with a blue mane or something. Pink Pony Princess was A pink Pony Alicorn Princess.
Once the ponies took their seats Shining Armor was looking at me like I had kicked a puppy. In the face. It was his puppy. Quite tragic. But what he didn't know was that the puppy knew things It shouldn't have known! He was part of a secret agency run by Luna wh- and I'll stop right there. I didn't pay him much mind. Just then I noticed Cadence try to subtly read my thoughts. The spell felt very unrefined and seemed to only be able to read emotion, then translate the emotion into a rough estimation of thoughts, but just in case I started to chant something under my breath to protect my mind from even the most powerful of mind spells.
"Rubber Ducky, you're the one,
You make bath time lots of fun,"
I could see her face scrunch up in a look of concentration before she mouthed the words, 'Rubber Ducky?' Mission successful .
Next was Blueblood he pushed the doors open and loudly trotted in, making sure everyone knew he had entered. When he sat down... he just stared at me like I was worthless scum. Hmmmm. I didn't want to take action and make him a splatter on the wall until I revealed my true power. Because that made it more fun. Now, what you've all been waiting for, DIALOGUE! By the way, the pompous ass looked like a privileged nazi.
"So," Sunbutt began,"As you know, I have invited you all here today" She glared at Blueballs, who wasn't actually invited, he was just told something important was going on and waltzed his pompous ass over here. "to discuss him," She nodded to me and all heads turned to look at me. And they kept looking at me. "He has requested to be called 'Lich'.
"Fos? Hi mindok, niidro vopruzahvun wah minz." ["What? You know it's impolite to stare."] They all looked at me a few more seconds before they looked at the princesses, who seemed to have shock all over their pretty little faces. They must be older than they looked.
"Anyway, why are we having this meeting, you never really told me, though, I can make a few guesses." I asked.
"Uhm, Oh, right. Well, we're here to ask you some questions. I invited guests for their opinions. Shall we begin?" Celestia asked. I nodded in agreement, and she began the interrogating me.
*Heavy Sigh With a Slight Side Dish of Light Facepalm*
Chapter Craptastic (UNREVISED)
Chapter Craptastic
Some of you may wonder why Celestia was wide mouthed at the explanation of the main characters mouth words. Well. This is basically the rundown he gave the princesses.
"My world is pretty damn fucked up. Half the planet is a wasteland, and the closest thing we have to civilization is kingdom bordering on tyranny. It's called Equator Regnum. It's huge and basically lawless sans the closest settlements to the capitol. Some people used to call it the ring kingdom because it's was shaped like a ring, duh. It was like a stretch of mostly independent settlements around the equator of the planet, the gem being the capitol. But now, even though it goes around the equator, most of the settlements think of themselves as independent of the kingdom after the young king found out he had so much power when his father died.
Now, the wasteland. I lived their, along with the most demented people around. Most of them are insane and in one way or another, but you can find a town or two out there. The royal army keeps most of the people born in the wasteland in the wasteland, and doesn't let them pass to the other side of the planet or Equator Regnum. The place is the closest thing we have to hell besides the damned place itself. I've killed a few thousand people just to survive. I think a third of that number was in self defense though, so don't fret.
The other side of the planet is just wilderness. Lots of people try to settle there, but they usually get picked off by the wildlife. I never read up much on the place though.
Not the most educated of explanations, but do you know everything about everything about the planet you live on? No. Also, don't say some dumb shit like "Yes I do" Then google everything to know about the world today and copy paste it.
*Heavy Sigh With a Slight Side Dish of Light Facepalm*
Chapter Magic (UNREVISED) ( ;) )
Chapter Magic
IT'S FUCKING MAGIC! I DON'T GOTTA EXPLAIN SHIT!
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Chapter 6... 7, wait, 8? I'll go with 6, the other chapters are just crushed dreams anyway.: Chapter Name (UNREVISED)
Chapter 6... 7, wait, 8? I'll go with 6, the other chapters are just crushed dreams anyway.: Chapter Name
So the questions began! I bet you're all giddy as fuck, and so am I. So, Celestia went over the questions she mostly knew to fill in the other ponies, who's eyes where digging into the tatters I called my soul. Luckily I have a few barriers around my soul.
"Explain to us why you are here today, Lich," Sunny said. I answered truthfully.
"I'm not TOTALLY sure, but I hope it involves the passing of a law that makes it a legal requirement to add padding to all outdoor tables and or keeping said table away from falling magi."
I don't think anyone but Clelestia and Luna got that one. It was a cheap joke anyway.
"We are here to question you about a few things, Lich " She sounded a little mad at the end there. Just a little.
"Well, it's not the first interrogation I've had, so, go on," I took my feet off the table, put my elbows on the table and rested my chin on my intertwined hands, "Ask away."
Let's skip the fluff and get right down to some quality Q n' A!
"Why are you in this world?" Celestia asked. Strait for the nuts.
"Chance"
"WHY did you leave your world." Luna asked.
"I was murdered," I gave an irritable sigh, "AGAIN! "
That got a reaction out of them. Luckily, no one could see the smirk under the shadow covering my face, along with the mask.
"M-murdered?" PPPP (Pretty Pink Pony Princess) asked.
"Hmm? OH! Yeah. Maybe not murdered. You see, I was killing this guy, yeah?" Everyone was silent, "Yeah, so, like, this guy was REALLY desperate for power, so he had power crystals implanted somewhere in his organs. When I was making love to his intestines with a sword, I think I broke one. I was caught off guard and used the excess magic in a random spell. It launched me in the space between universes. It killed me, and when I landed here, my fail safe made me a new body."
More silence. Oh boy. The Luna, Celestia and Twilight looked at me with dawning comprehension. They were just realizing that a little bit of 'excess' magic shouldn't be enough for a levitation spell, much less one that they might not even be able to cast. Breaching the universe was VERY hard. Powerful magi might be able to passively pass to another dimension , but not a universe.
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Chapter 7: MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMagic (UNREVISED)
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Chapter 8: I'm not going to spend the time and resources to name this chapter (UNREVISED)
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