Chapters It was a peaceful afternoon in Ponyville, The idle chatter of the town’s ponies and the clacking of shoes and boots on the cobbled stones of the little town's streets were the only sounds that permeated the air. All around where little houses with thatched roofs, brick and stucco walls, and happy ponies in the doorways. Vendors called to ponies from behind their stalls and in front of their carts. The smell of baked goods and fresh produce wafted from every corner.
At the edge of the town was Twilight’s Tower, where the sorcerer of Star Swirl found herself rather bored today. She had read almost every book in her large library and her student Sunset and her friends, the elements of harmony were off to see Rarity’s parents in Fillydelphia. ‘Now I know how Celestia feels at being Immortal.’ Twilight thought. The last exciting thing was Nightmare Moon’s return, and even then it lasted for twenty hours.
With a sigh she pulled out some papers that had things she needed to do today and held them in her hands. ‘Let’s see, the local school needs new books, the CMC need to clean up the mess from yesterday and a few poachers were seen heading into everfree forest.’ Twilight said in her thoughts.
“At least Discord gets something to do, I swear it’s like the criminals forget who the lord of everfree even is.” Twilight said to herself, shaking her head.
Far away in Canterlot, Celestia the diarch of the sun and one of Equestria demigoddess rulers gave a sigh of her own. ‘Luna is back and yet even then things return to being dull within a week.’ She listen to a noble yelling at another next to him. They were disputing about tree and bushes, Celestia didn’t know she tuned them out.
‘I'll give anything for something to happen… hell I’ll even take the world ending!’ She screamed in her mind as she rubbed her fingers on her head.
The nobles turn to her and each asked, “What should we do princess?” They both asked.
Celestia blinked. “Ahhh… I’m sorry but court is now even please sent your proposal to the ministry and I’ll read it in the study.” She answered.
A train was seen coming up to Canterlot with it where the ponyville school. ‘Alright class be on your best behavior, we are invited to visit the royal Canterlot museum, I shouldn’t need tell you how rare this is.” Miss Cheerilee said to the class.
“Why the art museum? What about the garden?” Dinky asked as she raised her hand to the teacher.
“There is nothing but plants there.” Scootaloo said as she pointed her finger at Dinky.
“Well that and a life size statue of Discord, the Lord of Everfree.” Sweetie Belle added in as she walked along with Scootaloo, Dinky, and Applebloom ahead of the group.
“Although the statue is...impressive, this is a chance for you fillies and colts to see old and grand art from all across Equestria.” Cheerilee said to her group as they walked to the museum entrance.
Little did anypony know, this museum would be the start of an adventure for three unlikely heroes.
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Chapter 2: How To Piss Off Your Rulers (Unedited)
Yubel flew to a nice secluded alley and landed to a ancient ponyhole cover. With a pull from her hands she opened it up. Before she entered her eyes narrowed at something for a moment before she jumped right in.
“Styx. Do you copy?” Lucas asks as he watched Yubel jump into the sewer.
“Yea, I’m enjoying a lovely stroll thru the city...in reality two gods, demigods, whatever they are are chasing me!” Styx yelled as he ran fast through a few alleyways to lose the Princesses for a moment.
“Styx. I’m going to try something. Remember that magic infused teleporter we found?”
“Yea...you got an idea to use that thing?”
“Yeah, but you got to get the princesses to stop chasing you somehow. Maybe fake a surrender or something. I need you still for about three seconds or it could completely atomize you.”
“Wow, this sounds like a great plan...well seeing as my magic double trick won’t work for thirty more minutes, I’ll take a shot at something.” Styx moved to a spot and sure enough the princesses appeared in the sky above him.
“You! Whoever you are I demand you surrender immediately!” The princesses lowered to the ground a few feet infront of Styx who was moving his hand behind his back into his sack of tricks. The two Princesses approached the goblin who quickly threw a small black ball at the ground between them. In a flash it exploded, knocking them down and covering them in sticky black tar.
“Three. Two. One.” After Lucas said one Styx had already teleported.
“Well, good timing...not sure if my sticky tar bomb would hold magical pony gods or whatever.”
Yubel wandered through the old tunnels and soon come to where the wall to the old mines collapsed. As she walked into the crystal mines she could sense familiar magical signatures watching her from the shadows. As it got almost pitch black she stopped and waited her two mismatched eyes closed for a moment. A green glow appeared seen in front of her. “Hello my little Ladybug.” Yubel said eyes opened.
“Sorry to break up your little reunion, but we are going to need a place to stay.” Lucas said, drawing every living being’s attention to him as he appeared with Styx.
“Mom do you know them?” Several hundred lights light up as the person who called Yubel mom was finally seen. Chrysalis the Queen of the Changeling race.
“No not really.”
“Fuck!” Lucas coughed out blood. “I don’t remember getting hurt!”
“Ah, going to take a wild guess as her third eye glowed i felt some weird magic fly right at you Lucas.”
“No. It wasn’t that…” Lucas replied, “Did you bring the medkit?”
“Yes, yes...I forget it one time and i never hear the end of it from you.” Styx reached in his sack and pulled out the medkit, handing it to Lucas.
Lucas pulled out a syringe and inserted it into a vein in his neck. He started moving around like he was seeing things, attracting all attention to him before he aimed his rifle at something. He didn’t fire though. “Fucking hate that hallucination!”
“You humans can’t handle your own stuff...Haha.” Styx laugh a bit.
“Actually… that was an experimental shot. It had an 80% chance of making it worse and a 20% chance of working. It’s illegal by the VSA.”
“So now what, oh fearless leader?” Styx said with massively implied sarcasm.
“Well, they are staring at us… So, yeah.” Lucas pointed out.
Chrysalis wanted to shut them up. They were ruining her moment of being reunited with her mother. “I’ll take care of this.” Yubel said as she walked up to them. She looked at the syringe. “You said a 80% chance of making it worse? It seems you have internal bleeding, it being worse could mean you heart will rip open.” Yubel handed him a bottle with some kinda red liquid. “Here if it feel like it getting worse drink that, it's a health potion, should counter the effects of whatever going to happen.”
“Oh…” Everyone stared at Lucas incredulously as he pulled his pistol that nobody saw behind him from out and back into his holster. “I was going to go out like a Jihad but that works too…” He says awkwardly.
“Don’t mind my friend here..I think he is crazy sometimes...but then again, that’s calling the kettle black coming from me.” Styx sat down on the ground and looked over his body for any injuries he may have gotten.
“Fick dich.” (Fuck you.) Lucas said in annoyance.
Yubel sighed. “Sorry Ladybug, this is probably not how you wished we had meet.” Yubel apologized to Chrysalis. “Wait why are you here in canterlot?” Yubel asked with a raised eyebrow.
Chrysalis started fiddling with her hands and looked guilty of something. “I was going to you see..” the crystal walls moved to show Cadance, the Alicorn of Love unconcious on the ground. “Impersonate her and invade Equestria.” the demi demon answered.
“Ah shit! Would you stop having that damned flashback!” Styx yelled at Lucas who was twitching with his eyes rolled in the back of his head. This of course ruined the moment again.
“What’s wrong with him this time?” Yubel asks in annoyance.
“He’s having a flashback where the person he trusted the most kills him.”
Yubel blinked at this. “Mind if we spoke privately for a moment, and Chrysalis we will talk about this later.”
The changeling moved away as Chrysalis leaved for the moment. Yubel pulled out a flower and pulled off a pedal giving them a flame and light. “Alright talk, how did you end up here?”
“What?” Styx asks in confusion.
“You know what i mean, how did you get to this.” She motioned to the whole place.
“I still don’t follow.”
Yubel’s right eye twitched. “You know what I mean you're not native to here.”
“Ah the ‘How did i come to this multicolored hell’ question...well it started a long time...but to make this short...I fought myself, killed myself, and I woke up here.”
A gunshot is heard and everyone turns to see Lucas aiming his gun at an unseen hallucination.
“Oh gods above, there he goes again.”
“You won’t kill me again Sinclair! You never tried to protect me! You fucking liar!” Lucas spent the rest of his magazine on the hallucination.
“Look demon lady...it's simple...he died and came here...I died and came here, so the only logical reasoning is that this is hell, and not the fun kind of hell either..”
Yubel rolled her eyes. “Does a cloaked figure eating noodles ring a bell?”
“Hi Loki!” Lucas says as he waves at… something.
“Oh god he’s hallucinating still.” Styx sighs.
“Loki? As in from norse myth?” Yubel held out a blacken fang. “Or this?”
“I don’t even know what that is...I feel like I’m missing something here.”
“You know, Loki, the Draconequus. Like Discord?” Lucas says, not hallucinating anymore.
Yubel rolled her eyes. “I take it your dreams are either charvoant or your hallucinations are so messed up you have no idea what’s going on?”
“A little bit of both.” Lucas scoffs, “And how do you not know who Loki is?!”
“Me? well for one from where I come from goblins don’t have gods....we were made by mages for there damn experiments, also i don’t read fiction.”
Yubel thought for a moment. “Wait a minute.” She pulled out an old book from a long time ago out. Tales of the multiverse by Eric “Loki” Smith. “You mean sci-fantasy author Eric Smith’s nickname?”
“Er… yes but not exactly… You see… Loki has more power than both the princesses combined many times over but he got trapped in the void and became a void dweller. He sent us here.”
“Well...that's something...I guess i owe this ‘Loki’ a drink and a punch...the drink for bring me back to life and the punch for throwing me in this hell.”
“Aw, come on! He’s actually one of the nicer gods out there. Trust me, there are far worse ways to get here. He showed me.”
“Ok, you’re going to have to tell me more about this guy later.” Styx found himself interested, he didn’t believe in gods but he did know that magic is crazy all the time and a guy like Loki sounds like he would fit in with all this.
“Uh… Yubel was it? Are you okay? You kinda spaced out.” Lucas waved a hand in front of her face.
Yubel blinked for a moment. “I was waiting for you both to stop talking, it’s called being polite!” Yubel screamed back at them.
“It’s obvious you hate us or really don’t like us.” Lucas said quietly, shocking the two.
“I have to agree there…” Styx said.
“Sorry but I didn’t expect you both to follow me when I find my daughter and her Changeling’s I haven’t seen them in a thousand years you know.” Yubel answered back.
“I thought you were going to get violent or try to kill us or something…” They both look at Lucas incredulously.
“Okay, you had a fucked up life.” Styx says in confusion.
“Why would I? I half expect you to shoot me, course that would hurt you instead of me.” Yubel answered.
“Because… everyone wants to kill me… They killed my dad… my adopted father killed me… They all want to kill me!!”
“Now I’m just throwing this out there that you aren't from around here are you?” Styx said to Yubel.
“Really? The fact I’m the only demoness and a dual monster?” Yubel deadpanned.
“So how did you guys die? I was told ‘I’ve always tried to protect you son. I’m sorry I couldn’t be that person’ and then he shot me in the head.”
“Well I woke up in an abandoned mages laboratory, found out that I was a clone of the first goblin, tracked down the guys who made me in there cliffside city. I’ll skip the boring parts and tell you i fought a clone of myself, who had been the voice in my head but he…” Styx head began to hurt.
“I got something from a cloaked figure eating noodles talking to himself, fell into a vortex landed with a cut mixed my blood into a dark magic filled corpse graveyard and become a mother.” Yubel answered simply. “I didn’t die.”
“Wait… Bug.... hive… queen… Oh my god!!! You are an empress!” Lucas points out before literally getting onto his knees and bowing to Yubel.
“Have some back bone human!” Styx yelled at Lucas.
“You realize she could literally kill us easily right?” Lucas said in German though everyone understood.
“What can I say...I'm a gambler...mostly with my own life, haha.”
“Or you are just a fucking idiot sometimes. It’s easier to just admit that.” Lucas snarks.
“Yea yea...you people have a very low standard of what a goblin is don’t you?”
“Don’t know, don’t care. Bow before I shoot you in the fucking foot.”
“Fine...if it make you shut up for a minute.” Styx grumbled as he slowly bowed to Yubel while rolling his eyes.
“Technically…” Yubel started but a new voice was heard screaming.
“Why am I in a Crystal cave?!” Cadance had awoke.
Lucas immediately got up from the ground as a changeling started to walk towards Cadence. “Can I shoot her or something, even knocking her out would work. Her screams are fucking annoying!” Lucas says sadistically.
“Or a ball gag if you're feeling kinky.”
“If I wanted to fuck her… I would have already made a move.” Lucas retorts.
Yubel blinked for a moment. “Wait she is an Alicorn right? As in a demigoddess?”
“Yeah? So?”
“What is her domain?” Yubel asked.
A changeling came up. “Love, lust and I think positive emotions.”
“Oh! Okay!” Lucas ran towards her before we could react. “HEY BITCH! Stop screaming before I fucking bust a cap in you!”
Yubel blinked. “Wait that cutie mark…” She recognized it. Crystals closed the Alicorn off in another room.
“Sorry about that I forgot to keep her in her cage.” Chrysalis said.
“If she screams one more fucking time I’m going to knock her the fuck out with a crowbar.”
“Ah you humans and your ways with words…”
“I’m serious.” Lucas says as he pulls out a crowbar… Seriously where the fuck did he get that?!
“Anyway...so who’s in charge here?”
“Former Shadow Marshall Lucas Kellan of the Vektan Security Agency and Interplanetary Strategic Alliance.” Lucas says with a nod.
“Great...so now what? we are in a cave with an army of bugs, their queen, the queen's demon mother...and I don’t feel like standing in here for all time.”
A ringing sound is heard from Lucas. He pulls out his phone, a Samsung Galaxy Note 4 and stares at it. “Uh… what…?” He asks in confusion.
“What? Where did you even…. Actually how is that working….” Yubel gave up.
“You have 1,268,103 unread messages.” An electronic voice says out loud.
“...” Lucas’s jaw just drops.
The messages were all in some kinda eldritch language that made no sense at all.
“Uh… Hey can you read this?” Lucas asks as he hands Yubel his phone.
Yubel did and hit send on the phone. “Message sent.” The phone said.
“They were all duel monsters languages for send.”
“... What the fuck has my life become?!” Lucas complains.
“I don’t know but you should probably stop bitching about it and maybe it will get better.” Styx snarks.
The phone turned into a moment to gain a techno egyptian look and a recording was heard.
We are the Unlikely Trinity.
Yubel
Lucas
Styx
If you find this phone hit reply and we will come.
To kick butt and take names.
To lend a helping hand.
Or whatever.
Cya soon.
“What The Fuck!” Yubel screamed in shock!
“Hey! It’s like Loki said! Apparently we just made a token that people like us can use to summon us! And if we find a token we can summon the person that it belongs to!” Lucas said cheerfully.
Yubel blinked at him. “Ok that sounds completely impossible.”
“Everyone’s a critic.” Lucas said suddenly with a scowl that could make Jesus shit himself in fear.
“Ehehehe… I don’t think it’s impossible…” Styx said fearfully, as his arms were shaking badly.
Yubel however didn’t seem to mind it. “I’ve seen Discord remove his skin… nothing scares me anymore.”
“That actually wasn’t the worst I have. And trust me there are things a lot worse than a draconequus removing their skin, especially considering I doubt that would really even harm him.”
Yubel decided not to reveal what was under it better they didn’t know.
Lucas saw her expression and his jaw dropped. “He didn’t put it there… right…?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Yubel deadpanned.
A scream was heard. “Nope. That’s it.” Lucas pushes Styx out of the way and grabs his crowbar before advancing towards Cadence.
Yubel sighed. “Really? I doubt that would keep her knock out for long…”
Lucas looks at a hole that leads down to the cave Cadence is in. He sighs and jumps straight down before rolling as he hits the ground. Her eyes widen as she sees him and she starts to scream and struggle in her bonds. Lucas walks up behind Cadence before literally headbutting Cadence and slamming the crowbar on the tip of her horn, knocking her out.
“At least she stopped screaming.”
However he soon falls as Yubel knocks him out. “Danm it Chrysalis…. Where did I go wrong.” Yubel sighed. “He going to get us killed…. well himself anyway.”
“That fucking hurt you bitch!” Lucas yells as he shot up.
Author's Note
We are indeed open for crossovers. Yep. Double yep. Triple yep.
Chapter 3: Without Subtlety (Unedited)
Yubel jumped back after Lucas shot up. He backflipped away and pointed his sidearm at Cadence. “What the fuck did I do to you?!” Lucas yells at Yubel.
“Ok one, you don’t want to shoot at her, that can cause all sort of messy stuff, and two you realize this is far more delicate than you think right?” Yubel asked.
“And you realize we are right under Canterlot right? In a place where it is still possible for an element or the princesses to find out exactly what is going on. So, remove the evidence.” Lucas says, more coldly than he intended.
“Well seeing as we just left a room full of dead guards and assaulted the princesses...we might want to not do anything that adds to the list on are most wanted posters.”
“But they don’t have to kn… Why are we under the castle courtyard?” Lucas says suddenly as his OWL drone hovers above him. Yubel looked around. Somehow they were teleported into the castle. However Yubel could see it wasn’t Canterlot Castle.
“Wait a minute… This is a different castle… OH SHIT! Not that one! Please don’t be! No!” Lucas starts freaking out. In a flash appeared a mix matched entity, he was the Lord of Everfree Forest as it was known. Discord, the deity of Chaos.
“You know. I really thought that that would be more climactic. But you know what? We can’t all have… Or can we? You come to rescue her?” Lucas asks as he waves his sidearm around. Styx just stood there and watched as this odd scene played out in front of him.
“Loki is still much stronger than you. I could call him… If he had a fucking phone. Seriously why doesn’t he have a phone?!” Lucas rants.
“Ignore him.” Styx says.
Discord did and turned to Yubel. “Sorry my dear I was only trying to get you, the crystals interfered with my spell… who are they anyway?” Discord asked.
“Hey. Dissy, you have a duplicator or a wikipedia book or something? Anything?” Lucas asks. Discord just stares at him.
“Can read your minds via telepathy.” Discord answered back.
“Great...nothing like a little mind-rape to complete the day.” Styx said
“Eh. I’ve had worse. Try having amnesia. It’s really fucking fun!” Lucas says.
”Well if that sounds fun you should try having every goblin share there thoughts...hard to think with a thousand voices telling you to do stuff...thank goodness that mind fuck ended.”
“Eh. You guys probably live in an age of endless fighting with magic and swords and shit. At least we kill each other with real weapons unlike your shitty blades!” Styx and Lucas continued to play ‘who had it worse’ as Discord and Yubel just watched.
Discord turned to Yubel. “Should I banish them to the sock puppet Dimension to be safe?”
“Banishing won’t do anything but make me want to kill you more. And trust me, I’ve died before. If I can just come back like before, than I will keep trying to kill you until the end of time. And trust me, that shit will get old for you.”
“Or I could turn you into stone and though you into the void between galaxies.” Discord deadpanned.
“Like, I said. I’ll just want to kill you even more. And I will come back eventually. When you have forgotten about me.”
“Well now that we are all in a pissed off mood let's talk…”
Lucas stares at Styx incredulously before slowly backing away from him.
Discord just shook his head. “Look I felt Yubel get free and wanted to speak to her.”
“Oh yeah, we did that. Well, I’m the one that found out she was in a painting but yeah, Styx cut her out of it.”
“So what? You wanted to talk about then?” Yubel asked.
Discord gave a sigh. “I wanted to fill you in on what has happened, look I know our relationship ended on troubled terms, and in my defense I didn’t know the Smooze though you were a gem alright.” Discord started. The two got the strangest feeling that they werewere once… together.
“I am not going to picture how that relationship panned out, demons and chaos spirits...thats some crazy magic there.”
But Lucas wasn’t saying anything at all. He was messing around with his phone. After about a minute of silence he realized everyone was staring at him. “I’m trying to call Loki! Stop fucking staring at me!”
“I don’t think that thing can contact anything beyond this planet where is this “Loki”?” Discord asked.
“You know, the void.” Lucas says nonchalantly.
“The Void between star? Galaxies?” Discord asked.
The phone ringed, “Oh one sec I gotta answer that.” Lucas put the phone to his ear. Before immediately putting it away from there and ending the call. “Ok… I don’t even…”
“What?” Yubel asked.
“Don’t ask. You will have a fucking aneurysm. Even you Discord. Don’t think about it. And the scary part? It actually made sense.”
A strange letter appeared in Discord’s talons. “Oh it’s from the Tartarus guard, let’s see.” Discord had glasses and started to read it.
Dear Discord, your dog is not guarding his post, Love Guard number 3.
“Cerberus!” Discord screamed.
“Hey Styx? Did you bring the backup cyanide pill? If we die I want it to be quick.” Lucas says randomly.
“What? You didn’t say anything about that?”
“Oh… I think I was talking to myself again.”
“Maybe you should stop interrupting everyone when they are having a moment?”
“Do you even know what’s happening? Cerberus isn’t guarding the gate to Tartarus, you know where the greatest threats to the planet are jailed?” Discord deadpamnned.
“Yay! I get to kill more things!” Lucas starts emptying his pockets until all his weapons are on the ground.” He sighs. “Shit not enough ammo.”
“There are only two prisoners in there, one of them you literally can’t harm physically let alone kill, the Wendigo King.” Discord started.
“If using gun doesn’t work at first then use more gun! And if that doesn’t work use even more gun! And if that doesn’t work! Have sex with it! Wait no not the last one… Wait. That doesn’t sound physically possible.” Lucas shakes his head.
Ignoring the interruption Discord finished. “And Tirek the former prince of a distant land.”
“Well, if you need me, I’m going to be complaining about the government.” Lucas says as he picks up his weapons and walks away but not before kicking Cadence in the muzzle.
“If you can get Cerberus back here unharmed I can pull some strings giving you all full pardons from all crimes committed.” Discord offered.
“Does unharmed mean beat the shit out of him until he’s an inch from death and then bringing him to you and letting you completely heal him?” Lucas yelled from the other side of the chamber.
Yubel rolled her eyes. “No Cerberus is magical resistant.”
“Who ever said that we would be using magic?” Lucas says sadistically. He gives a laugh almost identical to the Joker’s.
“No I was pointing out if you hurt him we can't heal him, my gods he a big dog... “ Yubel started.
“You guys suck! I’m going to go kill someone! Call me from the radio if you need me Styx.”
Discord blinked as he walked the wrong way. “He knows that way has nothing alive save my puffer vines right?”
Lucas pulls out a grenade and throws it at the walls, blowing them up and walking through. “Why the fuck did they make these damn walls so thick?!” This repeats for two minutes until he is completely gone.
In a flash the wall was repaired. “Now then anyone want to get Cerberus?” Discord asked.
Yubel glared at him. “Why can’t you?”
Discord sighed pulling out the Everfree-Equestria Treaty. “Section 5, Discord can not leave unless on a official diplomatic visit with the royal sisters, in hindsight I shouldn’t have asked them to add that… but I was distracted.” Discord said defensively.
A ghastly scream was heard before a gunshot silenced it. “Your friend has issues. You know that right?”
“Oh he isn’t my friend…. wait no one lives here right?” Yubel asked.
“Only Criminals live out in the forest, Zecora the only true inhabitant lives in the castle with me, she’s a zebra shaman trying to keep the forest contained.” Discord answered.
Another scream was heard along with a burst of gunshots this time. An explosion was heard right after that along with even more gunshots and screams.
“I’m starting to think it was a bad idea to leave him alone…” Styx says.
“Don’t worry he is actually doing me and Equestria a favor with those bandits, if he leaves the forest without my permission he will be automatically teleported here.” Discord waved.
Right after Discord said that Lucas appeared in front of them covered in dismembered body parts, blood, gore, and had blades sticking into his armor. “Whew! That sure got the blood rushing!”
In a snap the gore became balloons. “Sorry can’t have blood in here, don’t want ants.” Discord said.
“Well I’m keeping this trophy.” Lucas said as he pulled a Cockatrice head out of his backpack.
Discord wrapped it in tin foll. “You do realize that things still potent for around three days after decapitation right?”
“I know! I can use it as a weapon now! When this thing runs out of juice I’ll just kill another one!”
“When it runs out of juice the people are set free… or it explodes…. I don't know they been eating the puffer vines.”
“Eh. I’ll have to put in a timer and wrap this in anti explosive materials as well as try to splice some of the traits. And put the stoned victims in a place they can’t escape.”
“Traits they gained that from…” Yubel had enough of that and tossed the head far away.
“There problem solved now then let’s get the dog!” Yubel demanded.
“Right after I kill another Cockatrice.” Lucas says in annoyance.
“NO!” Everyone screamed simultaneously. Yubel dragged him by his armor.
“But stoning the dog would make things easier!” Everyone blinks at that.
“Would that even work?” Styx asks incredulously.
“Maybe…. I never tested out my dog’s powers to there fullest….” Discord said, thinking.
“Why the fuck else did you think I was getting a cockatrice head? For a sex toy? No. I needed a trump card.” Lucas says angrily.
“You could have told us!” Yubel screamed at him.
“Well Discord could you teleport another cockatrice in here in a cage or something?!” Lucas demanded.
Discord snapped his talons and there appeared one with a blindfold. “This one is domesticated, I think.”
Before anyone could react, Lucas was already behind the cockatrice. A loud crack resounded as he snapped its neck. “I don’t take chances. Not after that first cockatrice.” He decapitated the head, spilling blood onto the floor.
“Great now then, head out down the hall and to the right then fall this map to the forest edge, don’t go left that’s where Sunset and the Elements defeated Nightmare Moon essence months ago!” Discord exclaimed.
“If worst comes to to worst I could just shoot them or their elements.”
Discord looked at him like he was insane. “You think you can harm the elements?”
“No. I think I could shoot the elements off their heads, disrupting the process and go invisible, giving me time to escape.” Lucas retorted.
Discord whispered to Yubel. “Yeah he’s going to get everyone killed, watch him.”
“You really think I didn’t hear that? I have a drone hovering above your heads you dummkopf (fool).” Lucas laughed. “Besides, nobody knows about me, only Styx. The princesses never even saw me when I shot them or after.”
“Wait how did me talking about the fight from months ago equal this?”
“Well, you basically just inadvertently mentioned that the elements would be somewhere around here. So now I’m prepared.”
“No I said not to go to there Nightmare Moon was defeat!.” Discord retorted. “Dark magic waste is still leaking from there.”
“One word. So?” Lucas retorts.
“It means if you're not a demon, under the protection of the elements or have divine blood in you it will be a fate worse than death.” Discord answered. “Or was it you'll get possessed.”
“So?” Lucas asks, not fazed in the slightest. “That’s what this is for.” He points to the drone that is still hovering above their heads. “And it’s armed to the teeth and only listens to me. Unless you are in a technological golden age I doubt that deathless entities who can possess and torture will do shit if this thing isn’t even alive to begin with. It isn’t even magical.”
“Question do you even understand magical theory?” Discord asked.
“Yeah because I’ll totally understand something that nobody bothered to even mention.”
Discord gave a sigh. “Just don't go in there.”
“Oh don’t worry about that. I never actually said I was going in there. I just played with your words to make you think I was. Besides, this magical bullshit is a waste of time to someone like me. Not like I could use it anyways.”
Somewhere in the multiverse a machine looked up from his desk blinking. He went back to work on his many mechanical wonders.
“Do you even listen to what you say before you keep talking?”
“Yea. Wait what? Are you saying I can use your fairy tale powers or some crap?”
“Hello what you think powers their helicopters and other stuff like cameras?” Discord asked.
“Technology. Science. Reality. Different laws of a different universe.”
“Magic.” Discord answered.
“Nope. Laws of science. Besides I don’t see any of those here.”
“You could see the trains right?” Discord asked.
“Dude. Those things are fucking ancient and powered much differently than the ones from my world.”
“They aren’t powered by steam engines.”
“Yeah. But guess what! We didn’t need your magic where you could literally break laws with it. No. Do you have any idea what would happen if we had our technology but magic as well? Everything would die. No ifs, buts, or ands about it. Dead. Everything.
Back with the robot from before he had the urge to slap an idiot. “Why do I feel like doing this?” He said finishing his peacekeeping force.
“And by dead I don’t mean losing their lives. I mean we literally would not be the same. The present would not exist the same way. The timeline would be rendered unrecognizable because if we advanced at the same rate imagine how much faster we would if we integrated magic. Too many things would change.”
“You done? Because I get the feeling you might have angered something.” Yubel asked.
“Oh. I wasn’t even aware I was talking. I just let the words fall out while I was thinking about something.”
(Meanwhile)
The train stopped as it’s passengers looked on at the ancient tower. “Wonder why Twilight called us.” Spike asked reading on the back of a yellow unicorn with red and white hair.
“She didn’t say.” The unicorn remarked in confusion.
“Maybe it’s another ancient evil, like a reality warper from long past that was
“Pinkie there's only one reality warper on the planet, Discord and he isn’t evil.” The yellow unicorn said rolling her eyes.
Somewhere else in the general area screamed in frustration at someone’s stupidity.
“Well did your letter tell us why Sunset?” A white unicorn with purple hair asked.
"Yeah. Ah reckon we would be much better off if'n we knew what ta expect." A yellow Earth pony with a stetson hat points out.
“Good to see you're all here.” Appearing was a purple Alicorn. Twilight Sparkle, Sunset Shimmer’s teacher.
"Hello teacher lady!" Pinkie Pie said.
“Hello Pinkie Pie, now you all heard about the museum break in right?” Twilight asked.
"Well duh! Everypony has! I still don't know who the second pony was! But the first one was obviously Styx." Pinkie says, oblivious to the stares of confusion she was receiving.
"What do you mean there was another pony?!" Twilight screamed.
“There was a second pony coming out oh and then a demon lady was flying over the city.” Pinkie pie said with glee.
"And what happened after that?"
"Oh! He almost killed the princesses with this automatic stick thing that shoots at thousands of miles per hour!"
“You realize Celestia and Luna can heal from that… right?” A rainbow Pegasus asked.
“Wait demon lady?” Rarity asked.
“Yubel, mother of changelings.” Twilight answered.
"He wasn't trying to kill them! Otherwise they would be dead and no Sun and Moon! He shot them in the wings silly!" Pinkie calmly continued.
Everypony gasped in horror at this conclusion.
"N-no sun or m-moon...?" Twilight whispers.
“Anyway why did you call us?” Sunset asked.
“Princess Cadance has gone missing.” Twilight answered.
Before they could continue they heard extremely loud screams and gunshots echo from the forest. "Oh no! He's in there!" Pinkie screamed as her eyes went wide.
Twilight wasn’t afraid. Like Pinkie Pie, Discord had a carm around the forest nothing leaves without his permission.
But unfortunately that law didn't apply to dead things as a dead manticore flew into the train and slumped on the ground in a bloody mess. Twilight and Sunset didn’t blink as Discord had every now and again gone on a rampage tossing the corpses of hunters out his forests.
"You weren't a cockatrice! And now you're fucking dead! Eat shit jackass!" A few more bullets lodged into the manticore after the unfamiliar voice spoke. After that no more gunshots sounded off.
“Well that happened.” Pinkie Pie said.
Chapter 4: 1 Star Wanted Level
Author's Note
This chapter is rated P for Pinkie Pie
Chapter 4: 1 Star Wanted Level
"If there is a chance that our wanted ponies are in there then we must take it," Twilight stated matter-of-factly.
“Oh yea, going back to the everfree forest!” Rainbow Dash started.
“I’ll send a letter to Discord asking for permission,” Twilight started, deflating Rainbow Dash for a moment.
“You can’t be serious!” The pegasus mare asked.
“Section 4 of Everfree-Equestria Treaty, Element barriers need permission to enter Everfree, unless it’s world ending,” Twilight answered.
(An hour Later)
"Don't fuck with me and I'll make your death quick!" They heard as they reach the edge of the forest. It was the same voice from before.
Yubel rolled her eyes, “Speak up, Equestria can’t hear you,” Yubel shot back.
"Did you just try to flip me off with hooves?! Fuck you!" And yet another mythological creature died.
"Did you ever consider taking medication for your anger problems?" Lucas froze. He slowly turned around and stared at Styx blankly.
"Where the fuck would I get medication in this place?"
“I can make,” Yubel offered. She then pulled out a portable Alchemy kit, ”I have one of the greatest healing powder just need smashed manticore claw and rose petals.”
Lucas pulled out a manticore claw that was lodged in his arm, "Did not see that before..." Lucas handed it to Yubel, "And what kind of rose petals?" He asked in an eerily calm voice.
“Yes,” Yubel started to smash up the claw and added it to the powder. The petals were added and she smashed it up boiled the mush and put it in a bottle.
“So besides being a demoness and a mother of all changelings...you a botanist too?” Styx inquired.
"It's called an alchemist you idiot." Lucas said as he facepalmed.
“You know I’d had to be married to get this kind of verbal abuse.”
"Or maybe you're just a thief who bit off more than he could chew." Lucas retorted.
“Well you may have a point...or I have a trick up my sleeve that make me spit in death's face.”
"Did you finish my meds? I feel ready to punch Styx in the face for making such a horrible pun."
“They can’t all be cleaver.” Styx sat down waiting. Lucas and Yubel nodded at each other before they both punched Styx in the face.
“Ow! Fine, I’ll keep the commentary down a peg, just hurry up.”
Yubel handed Lucas the bottle as it finished cooling into a blue color. “Here, should keep all mental health, imbalances and even mass aggression down for around three to five hours depending on the person.”
Lucas downed the potion before singing, "I can see clearly now!" In a surprisingly good voice.
“That was unexpected,” Yubel said, blinking for a few moments.
Styx was about to make another ‘clever’ comment when he felt something in the air. He used his second magic trick, a enhanced vision that can detect living or magical things from a distance and threw objects.
“We got company coming from the west.” Styx announced to the two.
"Come on girls I heard it from here!" A voice said.
Lucas immediately went invisible and went into the shadows unseen. Styx however just hid in a bush about his size with hands on his sheathed daggers.
Lucas decided to mess around as soon as the elements and Twilight came into sight, "What the fuck are you kids doing on my lawn?!" He demanded in a Samuel L Jackson impression. Yubel was gone already though and wasn't seen.
“Another Alicorn? Wait six others… I can feel the lightning energies of the elements coming from them.” Yubel said as she back tracked to them feeling the Alicorn drop her masking spell for a moment.
“They aren’t ponies Pinkie.” Rainbow yelled at the Pink one.
"No fucking shit!" Lucas screamed in the same impression. "Stop fucking bothering me and piss off! I'm a goddamn war veteran! Respect your fucking elders!"
“Oh you were doing the guy who played Nick Fury!” Pinkie Pie said.
“What?” Rainbow Dash asked.
Lucas immediately uncloaked attracting their attention. "Another fucking reality warper?! GET OUT!!" Lucas screamed at them.
“I don't warp reality, I can see past the fourth wall!” Pinkie Pie said.
“Fourth what?” Twilight asked.
“What?” Pinkie asked.
"If you don't get your asses out of here and stop going on the internet I'll use my right to self-defense!"
“Wow...for a guy with stealth technology you really know how to bring attention to yourself...bravo, Lucas.” Styx made a slow clap with his hands as he left the bush he was hiding in to the ponies' surprise.
"He fucking did it!" Lucas waved his assault rifle at Styx.
“Oh, you want a piece of me human! Drop the gun and fight like the animal you are!”
Lucas shot at Styx as a warning shot. "He's the one you want. He is trespassing on my property!" Lucas yelled at the elements.
“Both of you stop!” A dark aura of fear covered Yubel for a moment. “You're acting like children!”
“You know how many times I arrange a plan or heist just for this nut case to blow the whole thing...which leaves me getting chased, shot at, stabbed, and one time he tried to trade me for a Rubare Pie.”
"Yeah, well you should know what a schadenfreude is then." Lucas said bluntly.
“Is this actually happening?” Rainbow Dash asked.
“I believe so Darling.” Rarity answered.
“Wow.” Spike said.
"Put the gun down Lucas!" Yubel ordered.
"He fucking talked shit about me!" Lucas retorted.
“I talk shit about everything...keeps my stunning personality sharp.”
Lucas shot at Styx in the foot. "Did your Mommy and Daddy not give you enough attention when you were a child?!" Lucas said in a Gunnery Sergeant Hartman impression.
“Ow!” Styx turned around and looked at his foot. Styx hated when this happened, so he did what he always do...he spit on the wound, to which neither Yubel or Lucas knew that his spit could heal.
"What is your major malfunction numbnuts?!"
Styx got up off the ground and turned to Lucas although Lucas noticed his eyes were glowing in an amber brown color for a moment. Styx walked to Lucas as said in a deeper voice…”I would like you to not damage this body...it's that last one I have.” Styx then snapped out of it and had no idea what happened.
"Fuck." Lucas went invisible and hid. "I don't want to get raped! At least not like this!"
“Anyway...what was I saying?” Styx had lost about a few moments of memory...again.
"You had a rape face!" Lucas screamed.
“Oh sorry...must have had something bad to eat yesterday.”
The elements looked at each other and then Styx, Yubel and where Lucas used to be. "We're supposed to arrest... them...?" Sunset Shimmer asked incredulously.
The Bad Boys theme song started playing on Lucas's phone as he appeared again. He answered it, "Yello? What do you mean there is no service in this solar system? Hello...? They fucking hung up on me!" Lucas yelled in frustration, oblivious to the staring, "I blame Obama."
“Who?” Yubel asked, she had no idea who that was.
Lucas stared at her incredulously, "What? Did you just ask who the President of the United States of America is?"
“Actually a valid question..I don’t know either,” Styx said.
Lucas looked at them for a few seconds and then laughed his ass off. "OH! This is priceless! It all makes sense now! You had your memories replaced!"
“Yubel, you might want to make more of that mental tonic for Lucas.”
"No! I don't think you get it do you?!" Everyone stared at Lucas in silence. "Loki sent us here you idiots! He erased your memories but not mine! That guy eating noodles in a cloak? Loki. That guy who talked to me while I was dead? Loki! Loki! Loki!"
“And let me guess...the guy who brought me here from the dead was Loki too?”
"Yep. You didn't really expect to stay dead around someone like that right? He may be a lower tier god but he is more powerful than the most powerful thing on this planet times at least a thousand. It's not exactly outside of his abilities."
“Look let's say I believe you...how does that help us now?...also.” Styx turned to the ponies just standing there to the side. “Did one of you say ‘arrest us’?”
The ponies don't say a word as they are likely processing our conversation. Finally Twilight shakily said, "Y-Yes. Loki doesn't happen to be a draconequus does he?" She asked in slight fear.
"Duh." Lucas said simply.
Yubel got in front of them. She held out a small coin with Discord’s Chaos star on it. “Sorry but we are currently on a mission for Discord, Cerberus is missing and the gates of Tartarus are left unguarded. If we don’t find him fast the Wendigo King will break free and we will all become frozen forever.”
"And that's why I have this!" Lucas pulled a decapitated Cockatrice head from his backpack.
Rarity fainted at the sight.
“Ah the old ‘use magical item to defeat a great evil’ plan...never fails...for the most part,” Styx made a remark at the head.
"If that doesn't work use gun!" Lucas pulls out his LS12 Ripper and unloaded it on the head. "See? Still dead!"
“Lucas! We still need the head or at least save the eyes...and maybe the brain as it would make a great stew!” Styx yelled.
Yubel simply glared at him. “You just shot the thing? That could drain it of its power!” Yubel screamed at him.”
"Then I'll just kill another one and bam we have another head!" Fluttershy, Twilight and the girls were horrified at this.
“Great now we scared the little ponies...why don’t you miniture horses go back to your stable, this mission is for creatures who can actually fight and live.”
Rainbow dash got pissed.
“Wait stop one of those six girls must be the element of kindness right?” Yubel asked, “All bearers of the element can calm Cerberus into acting like a puppy.”
"And I'm the element of surprise," Lucas said sarcastically. Everyone facepalmed.
“Let's hear what Yubel is talking about Lucas...The faster we get this done the faster we can find somewhere in this hell-scape that has alcohol.
"You realize I have alcohol right? I looted it from a dead body sure, but it's still good!"
“Let me see that!” Lucas handed Styx a bottle of port wine. Styx took the bottle and he took his time to savor the drink as it touched his pimpled tongue.
"Dude I just remembered how hideous your face is," Lucas remarked
“Good, then you have something to aspire to when you're older.”
“Are you both done? I can make you guys Alcohol by the way now then.” Yubel closed her eyes hoping but her hopes were dashed
"Not the cheap shit!" Everyone stared at Styx. "You may continue now."
“Each element has a passive ability, this six are literally the living avatars for them, this means the one with kindness can passive any creature, monster whatever, if she can get to Cerberus he will go from guard dog to obedient puppy and I can lare him back to the gates.
“Ah so we should kidnap the kindness pony and use her to get Cerberus...sounds like a plan.”
"No! I want to kill the fucking thing! America, fuck yeah! He left his country and went into ours! He's an immigrant! I hate immigrants!"
“Lucas see it from my perspective..we solve his little problem and there will hopefully be a reward...we might even get gold, jewels, even the beat alcohol in the universe if we play our cards right.”
Yubel was just about to call a space rock on them. “No Styx, that runs the risk of giving Cerberus dark harmony turning him into a Demon dog that nothing short of a reality warper or the elements could stop.”
Lucas stared at Styx like he was a hypocrite, "Styx, you also realize this makes you a fucking hypocrite right? You said you didn't want to piss off the princesses." Everyone stared at Lucas. He just stared back.
“Well things change..like if we save the day the princesses might pardon us...it happens.”
"AT WHAT FUCKING COST?!"
“Do you even hear yourself?” Yubel asked. “Discord will pardon us already.”
“See that's even better!”
Lucas walked behind Styx and then hit him in the back of the head with the butt of his rifle. "He was being even more stupid than me." Lucas said as he went back to where he was standing, ignoring the unconscious Styx.
“When did I become the sane one?” Yubel asked.
"I don't know. Wait shit I knocked him out after he drank alcohol," Lucas laughed. "He's going to have one hell of a hangover!"
“Are you three friends?” Sunset asked, She had a feeling no but somehow they seemed to be friends.
“Sure, we are The Unlikely Trinity,” Yubel said with sarcasm. Pinkie Pie jumped up.
“Glad to meet you, Unlikely Trinity we are the Elements of Harmony,” Yubel was speechless for a moment.
‘I was joking!’ She screamed in her mind. Lucas liked the name.
"You should stop screaming in your mind. It's annoying," Everyone stared at Lucas uncomfortably.
“Sorry, used my Telepathy for a moment at the sheer stupidity,” Yubel answered.
"Huh. Why is Cerberus being chased by a nine-headed demon with fifteen tails and spikes for arms?" Lucas asked as he stared at his phone. He saw the elements staring at him, "What? Ever heard of technology?"
“One, Cerberus is the most dangerous beast on the planet...He killed Cameras in seconds, unless you're talking about the rare Apex who are mostly frozen unless you go to volcano Xil…. god damn it.” Yubel cursed, “Did your phone happen to get a new screen from a weird glass?” Yubel asked.
Lucas stared at her questioningly.
A groan is heard and heads turn to Styx.
"What did I do this time?! Ow my fucking head!" Styx complained as he clutched at his head.
‘You got drunk then knocked out,” Yubel said bitterly. Tossing him some moss. “Eat it, it will help, though it will make your muscles feel on fire for a whole day.”
Applejack was about to interject about lying but Yubel shot her a withering glare.
“Thanks…” Styx ate it and his headache felt better but his muscles did feel weird.
"New screen?" Lucas finally asked Yubel.
Yubel simply took it from his hands and looked it over. “How did you even get this? This glass shows the most likely future should you fail to complete a task… it’s so rare this much could buy you a nation.”
"Oh... That's what Loki upgraded!" Lucas said in sudden understanding.
“Fantastic..so where do we go to stop this likely future from happening?”
"Let me try something," Lucas said quickly. "Hello Galaxy."
"Hello! How may I help you?" The phone asked. The ponies stared in shock.
"How much time do we have have to complete our mission?"
"You have two hours." The phone replied.
“Ok enough standing around, Volcano Xillia is around three days by train…. past the badlands.” Twilight answered.
Lucas got a shit-eating grin. "Lucas no! Not that! Not the teleporter!" Styx screamed.
“Teleportation? Only Discord could cross that length via that.” Twilight pointed out.
Lucas laughed darkly. "This teleporter deatomises you and reatomises you at faster than light speeds to your destination. One thing though. The process is extremely painful." Lucas says with a sick grin.
“Wait what about the person’s consciousness is it where it’s stored in energy?” Pinkie Pie asked.
"You are basically dead for less than half a second." Lucas said with that same shit-eating grin.
“Who gave you that machine anyway?” Yubel asked.
"You wouldn't believe me if I told you."
“Loki?” Yubel asked.
"Eh it doesn't matter." Lucas dodged the question.
“It was him wasn't it?” Yubel asked.
"It doesn't matter." Lucas dodged again.
“You realize that if you do teleport me that way you run the risk of destroying it right?” Yubel said with a raised eyebrow.
"Who ever said that you would be using it?" Lucas asked bluntly.
“If you're using it I could cast a track summon spell to get us all there by following you.” Twilight answered.
“Unless it fails.” Yubel countered.
"It's a good day to die hard!" Lucas screamed in pain as he activated the teleporter and disintegrated in front of everyone.
Twilight casted the spell and soon they all appeared. Right in the air ten feet above him. Yubel, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy and Twilight instinctively flew the rest landed on Lucas. “How did you mess that up!” Yubel demanded.
They immediately jumped off him. He was laying on the ground barely breathing. "It's a good day to die." He chokes out blood before falling unconscious.
“Come on you lightweight...we got work to do.” Styx said tapping him. Lucas unconsciously shoots Styx in the foot ten times. Yubel decided to awake him. With a heart warming smile…. she shoved a Fire Flower into his nose causing his sense of smell to burn at his brain… and then came the fire.
Fire came out of Lucas's nose and hit Styx, setting him on fire and making Lucas start twitching uncontrollably. “Was sure that would work, oh well.” Pulling out a card she channeled magic into it. An H appeared over him and he shot up almost burning with energy.
"I'm wide awake, excuse the fucking pun." Lucas said.
“How did you do that?” Twilight asked.
Yubel held the card. “H - Heated Heart.”
"At least you didn't shoot me and leave my dead body like that last asshole." Everyone looked at Lucas like he was insane.
“What are you even talking about?” Sunset asked.
"Oh. My adopted father shot me in the back and said 'I've always tried to protect you son. I'm sorry I couldn't be that person' before shooting me in the head." Lucas spat.
"What scares me is that he isn't lying..." Applejack said shakily.
A howl could be heard as the three headed guard dog was seen glaring at them. He looked at Yubel and looked like he was absolutely, completely ready to kill her.
Lucas pulled the Cockatrice head out and made it stare at the dog, turning him to stone slowly. The guard dog struggled but was unable to move his lower body. However once Ybel had a smile he broke out and attacked her. Yubel blocked the strike with her arms the effect transforming to the dog who got back up. “I forgot to mention… He kinda hates my guts.” Yubel added. “You toss one boulder into him and he hates you for life.” Yubel mumbled.
"I would hate you too. Boulders are cheap." Styx said.
“Can you get the Element of Kindness here? I don’t want it to accidentally kill itself trying to kill me!”
“Yeah and apparently me using guns isn’t a good thing. Who knew? Taking out your problems by using a gun on them is apparently not a GOOD IDEA?! SERIOUSLY?!” Lucas ranted.
“Oh shut up. You just like to kill things,” Styx argued.
“Can the Element of Kindness PLEASE GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME CALM THIS DOG DOWN?!” Fluttershy whimpered but complied.
As she spoke up in a soft voice the guardian of the gates glared at her then suddenly started to soften and started acting like an overgrown puppy.
“I call hacks,” Lucas and Styx said simultaneously.
“I call Element of Harmony,” Yubel said with a smug look.
“I call bullshit. She didn’t even hit him!” Lucas retorted. Everybody just ignored that comment. Except Fluttershy.
“Sometimes a little kindness is all somepony needs.”
Lucas acted out the motions of dying before falling to the ground and acting like he was dead, “Drama Queen,” Yubel remarked.
“That’s King to you!” Lucas screamed at her.
“Oh how silly of me I’m just a hermaphrodite I don’t know genders.” Yubel said rolling her eyes.
“Awkward. I really don’t think I like where this is going.” Styx said.
“Oh… Did someone have a crush on the herm?” Lucas taunted. Everyone looked at Styx.
“Shut the fuck up.” He retorts.
“You didn’t say no!” Lucas laughed his ass off and his arms started shaking.
“I have no words for you other than you are an ass.”
“Good to know.” Lucas said with a smirk. “If you know what I mean.” Every female in the vicinity blinked at that before a few of them blushed.
In a flash Discord appeared. “Finally I found a loophole! I can teleport out of equestria!”
“Hey Dissy? Did you fall for the trap?” Lucas started laughing his ass off again before going invisible. Everyone’s blushes got worse.
“What are you talking about?” He gave a slight telepathy sweep. “Oh that I know, hell I’m genderless.” Discord answered.
“Oh shit! Two traps! It’s a trap! Ackbar! We have a problem! Get us out of here!”
Styx just now noticed something though, “Wait a minute, OH FUCK I’M STILL ON FIRE AND STILL BLEEDING FROM TEN GUNSHOT WOUNDS! AHHHHHHH!” Styx started running around screaming.
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Chapter 5: Destination Manifestation Civilization
Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter. Chapter 6: Innocent Motivations (Unedited)
Author's Note
Point out any spelling errors if you please.
Chapter 6: Innocent Motivations (Unedited)
After ten hours of walking, they finally got away from the cold. Yubel spread her wings, “I’m heading for canterlot,” She said turning to them, “Don’t cause anymore trouble.”
"No! You will not fucking abandon... Actually who needs you anyways? I'm going to Ponyville," Lucas retorted.
Yubel's eyes widened at that, "If you cause any trouble..."
"Don't finish that sentence," Lucas said as he teleported away, leaving Yubel with the still unconscious Styx and frozen Sombra.
Yubel just leaved Styx as she took off. ‘First I’ll give Celestia Sombra, then I’ll go see why Ladybug has Cadance.’
"No!!! DON'T LEAVE ME!" Styx screamed. Turned out he was faking unconsciousness.
Yubel ignored him and flew off in the distance. ‘Then I’ll finally have time with her.’
Sombra started struggling anew in his prison and cracks started forming. Finally though, a huge crack split the crystal and he flew away towards the Ponyville’s direction, probably to kill the Elements of Harmony.
Yubel sighed, ‘Screw it! It’s the Elements’ and Lucas’s problems now!’
Lucas appeared in the center of Ponyville without a flash, attracting everypony’s attention straight to him. “Where are the elements?” He muttered to himself before his eyes landed on a tree that looked exactly like where he needed to go. He walked towards it, ignoring all the stares he was receiving.
A Blue blur flew into his path and glared at him. “What do you think you are doing here?!” Rainbow Dash yelled.
“I wish to speak with your leader,” He said bluntly.
“Sunset! One of those three crazies want to see you!” Rainbow Dash screamed as Sunset appeared from the library.
“What which one?” Sunset asked.
“Former Shadow Marshal Lucas Kellan of the Vektan Security Agency and the Interplanetary Strategic Alliance,” Lucas said formally.
“Did you say interplanetary?” Sunset asked in confusion.
“Yes,” Lucas said simply.
Pinkie Pie appeared, “Oh I for sure that’s Yubel would be the one to come, or Discord!” Pinkie Pie then realized, “You're in Ponyville I forgot something!” Pinkie Pie returned with fireworks and dance.
“What is a Shadow Marshal anyways?” Rainbow Dash asked in confusion.
“I was an assassin for the Vektans. I lost my family and I had nothing left except the military…” Lucas reminisced sadly.
“So where is the other two?” Rainbow Dash asked, “Aren’t you like friends?”
“You really are clueless… They drive me insane. Yubel is way too mature and Styx is a fucking drug addict and a thief! I may have killed but at least I don’t go around trying to rob everything I see and drink every fucking bottle of alcohol I see! And I actually killed for a reason! To protect my country. So no, not really...” Lucas replied with laces of sadness as well as loneliness evident in his tone.
“Wait Yubel the mature one of you three?” Pinkie Pie asked.
“Pinkie she is a mother, of course she is more mature than them,” Rarity said.
Lucas was getting more and more depressed and the girls seemed to notice that as his shoulders slumped, “Can I come in?” Lucas asked softly as he gestured to the door.
“Come in.” Pinkie Pie said, letting him in. He walked into the library and found a couch and fell onto it.
“Tell me, what do you know about the Crystal Empire, Sunset Shimmer?” Lucas asked her.
“I know that it’s been lost in time ever since Sombra who usurped the throne was imprisoned under the ice.”
Lucas made an alarm buzzer sound, “Incorrect answer. Guess who we found? And guess what is back?” Lucas asked, making the Element’s eyes widen.
“You can’t be serious!” Sunset asked.
“Yep. Exactly. As for where he is now? Well… Apparently Interstellar travel is too much for a shadow. I’m trying to assemble a device that sends him at a quarter the speed of light which is approximately…670 million miles per hour and towards the sun or even a supernovae.” Lucas said. “Unless you like slavers, torturers, tyrants, dictators, and mind rapists.” He said evenly.
At that moment a voice was heard. “Crystals! Umbra! ” The Shadow of Sombra passed by the town.
“FUCK! WHAT IS HE DOING HERE?!” Lucas screamed. “Girls you gotta help me! Please! I don’t like him any more than you do!” He pleaded.
“Fine.” Rainbow Dash said, “So Sunset how do we harm him?” Rainbow Dash asked.
“We need the Elements of Harmony.”
“Hehe… About that… They won’t really work on him... very much…” Lucas said nervously as he twiddled his thumbs, “I mean… Actually… Wait. Unless you want him dead? I mean… I would prefer that as well as a lot of his former slaves…”
“How could you be so casual about death?!” Rarity asked Lucas.
“You be around it for all your life and expect yourself to worry about every death that happens when just a few years ago over a billion deaths were caused by a single superweapon.” Lucas retorted.
The elements looked at Lucas in horror until they heard Sombra yell.
Sombra was looking for something. Inside Twilight’s Tower a crystal glowed. “Come my son set us free! ” Sombras raced for the tower.
“Oh fuck no! You get your goddamn elements quickly! Do you really want to find out what will happen when he becomes intelligent again?!” Lucas screamed at them.
“Spike! The Elements!” Sunset screamed. Spike went for a book tossing it as it opened hole with the elements of harmony. Sombra circled around the tower to the crystal at the top.
“Set us free!” The crystal said
“Mother… I… Will!” Sombra said raising his horn.
"What is he doing?!" Rainbow Dash screamed at Sunset.
“I think… no I thought it was a myth.” Sunset said. “The tower original owner Star Swirl was said to have found an ancient force, something more deadly to ancient ponies then even the Wendigo.” Sunset said. The Crystal was cracking. “The Umbra!”
"FUCK YOU MYTHOLOGY!" Lucas screamed before he fainted in front of Sunset Shimmer from lack of Oxygen.
In a blast of Darkness Sombra was tossed off the tower his shadow soon raising up as hundreds of shadows like him strung out. After thousands of years imprisoned the Umbra where freed. “The end is Nigh !”
Lucas shot up and clung to Sunset, "There are too many! I'm too young to die!" He whimpered. "Wait a minute I have a... Oh." He tightened his grip on Sunset.
Sunset hit him over the head in anger as he was touching what he shouldn’t. “Pervert!”
"I couldn't tell I was touching you there! All I can see is death! AHH!!!!" Lucas unslung his assault rifle and switched to grenade launcher mode. "OOHRAH!" He started shooting grenades everywhere the Umbras were, not noticing he was pissing them off.
“Stop it they can’t be harmed like that!” Sunset screamed, “You're just making them madder!”
"AH! FUCK YOU SINCLAIR!" Lucas screamed, as all he could see was his past.
Sombra raised his horn as Crystal trapped Lucas. “What are you? ” Sombra asked.
Lucas teleported out, shocking everyone. "Vengeance! FUCK YOU POLITICS!" He pulled out his pistol and started shooting at everything that was crystal.
Meanwhile far away in the everfree Castle fragments of darkness and dreams were slowly bringing themselves together. A eye opened in the mix of them. “I am alive!” It said.
"Would you fuckers stop coming back from the past?! I WILL BLOW UP THIS WHOLE FUCKING PLANET TO KILL YOU IF I HAVE TO! Well... mostly. I have no idea how strong petrusite really is but if it worked that well..." Lucas kept shooting at the crystals and most of them shattered immediately.
The Umbra simply reformed the Crystals. However a massive shadow loomed over Lucas. Sunset moved back. “It’s her… The Umbra Queen, Nexa!”
"Come here Styx! I know you love your jewels." Styx appeared and looked drunk.
“You have no idea how many women tell me that they love my jewels...if you know what I mean.” Styx said as he drunkenly walked on the battlefield.
Everything literally stopped and facepalmed at Styx. Even the Umbra.
“Oh it’s you, Lucas...what do you want? Need your old buddy to bail you out again?”
"One word. HEIST!"
Styx, for reasons no one knew, his drunken behavior quickly disappeared and all his senses came together.
While this was going on Sunset and the others looked for Applejack and Fluttershy. “Where are they?” Rainbow Dash asked. A wisp of dreams passed by them.
Machine Gun Blues by Social Distortion started playing loudly on Lucas's phone. Styx started taking in the details and his eyes widened. There were crystals and valuable things literally everywhere.
“Well slap my rear and call me an elf...I hit the jackpot!”
"I thought the saying was 'Well fuck me silly and call me Papa." Everyone blushed at that.
“That works too...but what's with all these shadowy things?”
"They own... or should I soon say owned the crystals?"
“Fuck that...They're all MINE!!!” Styx quickly pulled out his daggers and ran to the nearest crystal just for an Umbra to knock him down. Which only pissed him off as he jumped on the Umbra and decapitated it ,and let me tell you something. You never want to piss off Styx. His anger tamed around Lucas but if you get in his way... Let's just say you are literally grabbing the bull by the horns.
Styx after cutting the head off that Umbra, caught the attention of some more shadowy basters. Styx ran at the charging horde and just as they were about the tackle him he jumped in the air, pulled out small bombs, and threw them on the Umbra.
"HOW DID HE EVEN DO THAT?!" Pinkie Pie screamed.
"That’s just the opening act!!” Styx yelled.
"Laws don't apply to an angry Styx." Lucas said, happy Styx wasn't trying to kill him.
Styx quickly ran to the next group of Umbra, making his way to Lucas and the looming Umbra Queen. The goblin grabbed one Umbra and stabbed it in the eye socket, it was still alive so Styx rode it past the groups of horrified Umbra.
This enraged the Umbra Queen who now was looking at this little green speck to crush. Styx didn’t look like the smart type but you never know as a Styx magical Copy slowly snuck up to the crystal surrounding Lucas and placed a large bag of bombs near the base to free the crazy human who got imprisoned again.
The Umbra soon arose back up again. Mad angry and in pain. The Umbra Queen glared at them but turned her attention onward. She could feel it. The newest guardian of the cursed object. “To the crystal holder! She demanded with that all Umbra flew off with the Queen to Canterlot.
"Kyosei. Shuryo. Shimasu. KUN GA!" Lucas screamed as his prison exploded.
Styx looked back at his work to see the Umbra rise up and follow the queen, even the one he decapitated came back. ‘Fuck me raw how do you kill these things?!”
Styx had to think and then it came to him like a bad rash on his ass. First he had to check on Lucas while the Umbra Queen and minions flew off to Canterlot.
"I have one idea and it may work." Lucas said, getting everyone to look at him.
“Good because my idea is probably a bad one...mostly for me, what’s yours?”
"Genocide! YAY!" Lucas said as he gave a joker laugh.
“I hope there is more than just that.”
"Hey girls. I bet you are too scared to use the elements on the Umbra like the weak sissies you are!" Lucas yelled in a drill sergeant impression.
“We aren’t but there is only four of us, we can’t find Applejack or Fluttershy, without the six of us these are mostly worthless.” Sunset answered.
"MAGGOTS! You are weak! GET YOUR SISTERS IN ARMS AND RETURN HERE DOUBLE TIME. I have someone I need to talk to."
A screen appeared in front of Yubel as she was talking to Chrysalis, "The elements of Harmony are missing in action and potentially wounded and there are thousands of Umbra currently en route to your location." Lucas said.
Yubel simply glared. “A letter would be nice! Try again!” She yelled, going to smash it.
"No time! They should be here already! I'm afraid you are on your own. And don't try to smash the screen. It is holographic you imbecile." With that, the screen disappeared.
Yubel thought for a moment. “I really should just ignore him.” Yubel said, why should she care about what the failed to stop Sombra. She missed her daughter for a thousand years already! ‘No unless they attack us I will not help’
"Mother... What if they come here?"
“How would they even find us?” Yubel asked.
"Have you really been gone that long? Just because they were imprisoned doesn't mean they lost their senses..."
Yubel rolled her eyes. “Chrysalis unless you tore off more crystals they shouldn’t find us…” Yubel glared at Chrysalis looking guilty. ‘I hate you Lucas, I really do.’ Yubel thought with a glare.
Meanwhile back at Lucas and Styx location...
"Well that was a waste." Lucas remarked.
"Not for me!" Styx cheered. There were still many crystals to be had. However it was said that Styx’s brain grew three sizes that day as the thought occurred to him that all those Umbra may be a problem in the future, still he had his crystals...but if the world is destroyed...where is he going to get his liquor!?
“Lucas!! We need to do something!!” Styx yelled.
Right as he said that, the Elements of Harmony returned and Lucas walked up to them. He pointed to the leader. "You are now First Lieutenant Sunset Shimmer." He pointed at Rainbow Dash and Rarity. "You both look responsible. "You are now Technical Sergeants." Lucas said in a cold voice that only officers used. "Let's go! We have a world to save!" He said in the same voice.
"What gives you the right?" Rainbow Dash demanded.
"ARE YOU QUESTIONING ME?" He asked in a scary officer voice.
"N-no."
"Good. I have more command experience than all of you rookies combined times a hundred. Now Lieutenant, I need you to teleport us all to Canterlot. Don't ask why. I think you already know." Lucas ordered Sunset Shimmer.
“Ok but… I don’t have enough magic for that.” Sunset said.
“You may not but I do.” Discord said appearing before them.
"No Discord. We are doing this the hard way. You teleport them to where I teleport. TIME FOR MAX PAYNE!" Lucas screamed. Styx didn't know why but he facepalmed at that.
With that Lucas teleported away and soon following him were the ponies and Styx to Canterlot.
"I feel like a fucking marine! Oh god that hurts!" Lucas said as he screamed in pain.
Lucas spat out large amounts of blood. "Are you okay man?" Styx asked.
"Never better." He calmly said.
“Good, Now let's make a goddamn plan, unless you think Yubel or some other crazy shit will just happen.”
"Oh I don't doubt Yubel will be enraged by the Umbra presence. That is where Lieutenant Sunshine over here comes in."
"What are you talking about?!" Sunset Shimmer screamed.
"Calm down. We aren't going to send you to the frontlines to die... Unless you like that kind of thing?"
Yubel however interrupted them. “LUCAS!” With her was Chrysalis.
"Would you please not do that?" He asked, surprising her with his professional response. "You ruined the plan. Now we have an unknown amount of hostile forces heading straight towards us." He said in a tone that was like a father disappointed with his child. Twilight appeared next to the with the two sisters.
"Hello, Twilight-kun and the two celestials." Lucas said smoothly.
“What is going on?” Celestia asked.
“They let Sombra escape.” Yubel said.
"Approximately 1 thousand Umbra entities heading towards us. And no, I'm afraid it was you who let them escape seeing as they were in your possession at the time. Lying is an unbecoming trait of someone such as yourself. Is it not Empress?" Lucas said with a smirk.
“Are we going to do something or just jack each other off? Styx asked.
"I don't know Styx. Empress Yubel took the unfaithful route and resorted to lying. I am simply waiting until they get close enough before I take action."
Styx was tired of always being in this kind of situation, He wish he still had some hard liquor. "I'm not holding you back my friend." Lucas said slyly. "Oh and sorry about shooting you. It was nothing personal. We merely wanted to see the light of day again."
“I am the day….” Celestia sighed. “Discord pardoned you I hope he knows why.”
"How...egotistical." Lucas said vaguely. "How is that diet working out for you by the way?" Lucas asked Celestia. Everyone froze except Styx who laughed at that remark. "Oh, don't be so shocked. I was an assassin for a security agency and a shadow marshal."
Luna didn’t want to point out she knew that herself. Dream walking caused some memories to enter her. "Oh, Luna. Why have you been so silent? Do you know? What I know?"
A wisp of dreams was seen behind her as a blade formed behind her. “Of course she does, dream walking has it’s perks after all.” Sunset, rarity, Rainbow Dash, Luna, Celestia all looked in shock. It was Nightmare Moon.
"Dreams don't tell you everything. Only pieces of the puzzle. And some people just love to solve that puzzle. Like you. Oh, you brilliant little entity." Lucas laughed sadistically. "Starting from nothing. And achieving all that. Gotta give credit where it's due after all."
“So this is Nightmare Moon.” Yubel had a smile. “You are much prettier in person.”
"Well, if that is how you want to acknowledge it." Lucas laughed before he grabbed two grenades, primed them, threw them behind his back, and stood still as an explosion and demonic screams of pain were heard. "By the fact that all of you are just standing there I am starting to assume that you either don't have a plan or that this is a celebration of some kind." Lucas remarked.
A magical blast went and hit Yubel. She responded by delivering the pain back. “So who is leading them?” Yubel asked going on the attack soon afterwards.
"This mother entity or something? I don't know." Lucas said.
“You mean The Umbra? The Umbra Queen? Are you mad? Discord the only thing more powerful than her!” Yubel exclaimed.
"That is creepy. The fact that the title reminded me of Changelings. Are you sure you didn't copy them?" Lucas asked pointedly at Chrysalis.
“No Chrysalis was born from my blood mixed with dark magic and pony corpses.” Yubel answered.
“Wow that's some picture you paint, Yubel...I bet your a bitch in the sack with that pallow talk.” Styx said.
"Haha! Did you really just make a pun about her imprisonment?! Gimme a fucking high five!" Lucas congratulated Styx.
“Sure, you only live once...sometimes.” Styx high fived Lucas as the everyone looked confused.
Yubel just stared at the two, “That isn't even worth a response," Chrysalis said.
“Ponies! ” The Umbra Queen screamed.
"Ponies? No man we are fucking Asians! We work for our master Mao Zedong! Mr I killed 80 million!" Lucas laughed.
“No, We are Orcs doing a circle jerk with each other while the wives are killing boars, haha!” Styx Laughed with Lucas.
"No We are the three who are going to beat you up and banish you to the moon, or to Discord’s suitcase.” Yubel said waving her hand.
"That sounded fucking lame." Lucas and Styx said simultaneously.
“Would you rather I say, ‘No I’m going to rape you then make my kids eat your kids while you watch?’” Yubel asked.
"Yes." Lucas and Styx said.
“Oh so you must be Yubel? The demon whore of Discord? ” The Umbra Queen asked. Yubel eyes glowed red.
“Shots fired there...” Styx said as he backed away from the demon.
"Are you going to take that shit Yubel?!" Lucas asked in a Shia LaBeouf impression.
Yubel was covered in dark magic taking on Terror incarnate. “Bitch I’ll make you my Whore! ” She screamed firing blasts of dark magic from her mouths.
"TACTICAL NUKE!" Lucas screamed as one of the blasts hit the Umbra Queen.
“Now use your hyper beam!” Styx screamed at Yubel.
"Yubel evolved into Chuck Testa!" Lucas laughed.
Yubel glared at them. “Shut up and fight or I will castrate you both permanently!”
" WE DON'T ENTER THOSE KIND OF FIGHTS! WASTE OF AMMUNITION!" Lucas yelled.
“Ya its a swarm of shadow ponies for gods-above sake...what do you expect us to do?!” Styx had to agree with Lucas on this one.
“YOU FIRE FUCKING LOVE AT THEM!” Yubel screamed as the Umbra Queen attacked her
"Actually, all we are good for is genocide, rape, asphyxiation, torture, glassing, as well as racism in a fight like this." Lucas said blankly.
“Ok i'll show them love...let me get my pants down and mount a pony, the yellow sunset one will do.” Styx laughed evilly as he looked at sunset shimmer.
Chrysalis blasted Styx and Sunset had a sword in her hand formed from magic. “I’ll cut you apart if you saw that again!”
"Holy shit my guns are evolving! Thank you Ultron!" Everyone stared as Lucas's Assault rifle turned into a fucking minigun, "Say hello to my little friend!" The minigun let out a buzzing sound as it ripped through hordes of Umbra.
“If you can’t hit them with love torture them!” Chrysalis screamed. “As for me!” Her form started to shift with demonic wings fangs and a spiked tentacles appearing. “I’ll fight them like any half Demon!”
“I’ll fight...but the Yellow sunset pony owes me…*wink* .” Styx made Sunset feel very weird all of the sudden.
Yubel glared at Styx in her fight. “You do it for free or I'll eat your life force. ”
“Fine…” Styx said as he focused his magic inside himself and began to glow an amber brown color.
"MY DADDY WAS SCARFACE!" A boom sounded out as Lucas's minigun overheated.
Styx conjured magical fire bombs in his hands and chucked them into the swarm of Umbra ponies, setting most of them on magical fire.
“Fuck this world, Fuck the ponies, and FUCK YOU UMBRA!” Styx used his muti copies skill to make a small group of goblins who shot that the Umbra with fire balls.
"I'll be back!" Lucas yelled as his minigun cooled down.
Chrysalis hold one of the Umbra down and bit into it with her fangs her spinkes launching on to dozens more. Celestia started to fight and amazing the two dream demigoddesses entered into battle with swords slashing. As for Yubel, The umbra Queen was actually inflicting damage to her. It was only light but it was there. “You may be strong demoness but I can out last you all! ”
“Can someone get an ultima or a hadouken or a fucking kamehameha in here?" Lucas asked in boredom.
Styx thought it was time to use the big guns...He pulled out a small black bomb and tossed it into the Umbra…
“IS THAT IT?! HAHA.”
“Just give it a second…”
in a flash of blinding light the Umbra Stopped dead in their tracks and were being pulling into a large black ball of energy. “Everyone run! My black hole bomb only lasts a few minutes but you better not get caught in it!”
"Styx! We have to teleport!”
The Umbra Queen had a smile as her horn held the bomb up and she tossed it as Yubel. Yubel cried out for a few moments before the black hole was gone. Yubel collapsed as the Queen glared at them creating crystal golems.
"Styx! This fight is out of a shitty strategy game I swear. You two bitches handle it yourself and make sure to fuck and make up!" Lucas said as he teleported away.
“Yubel is down!” Twilight screamed.
"Oh fine! I'm back. The mountain had a shitty view. Hey bitch! I saved something for ya!" Lucas grabbed a flashbang grenade and lobbed it at the Umbra Queen. It exploded and dazed the Queen, giving Yubel a distraction.
Yubel form started to burn into fire and ash. Only to burst back into flames as the air got darker. Chrysalis looked up as the sound of demonic dragon roars could be heard. “Oh no mom is using that!” The fire gave way as Yubel dragon form grew larger her heads more armored, eyes on each knee and her chest… was literally a face. “The Ultimate Nightmare.”
"All I see is Asia... which might not actually be a bad thing..." Lucas said in awe.
“Burn bitch!” Yubel said in an echoing voice unleashing a blast that burned the Queen forcing her to move back into the the ground in fear.
"Ok... Guys and girls? Let's get the fuck out of here." Lucas said as he started to shove the girls away from the battle, pissing them off. "Stop bitching. Unless you want to join that battle." He said. That shut them up.
"Holy shit look at that!" Styx pointed at Yubel as she swatted away the smaller Umbra trying to stop her.
Yubel then roared and fired a blast almost hitting Styx. “Die!” She screamed, firing randomly.
"How do we stop this?! This is wrong!" Sunset Shimmer whimpered.
"Oh sunshine you haven't seen shit if you think this is bad." Styx laughed.
"Haha... Think of planet eater." Lucas giggled as Yubel punched a hole through the Umbra Queen. "And that is why you never anger anything that is bitchy and has power, because two words, passive aggressive."
"Too soon." Styx said with a grimace.
“I wonder how long it will take for them to either kill each other or tire out,” Lucas wondered as he stared at battle. Yubel and the Umbra Queen were facing off and Yubel was doing the most damage out of the two.
“You are buying me a beer after this,” Styx stated bluntly.
“How about a bet then?” Lucas asked, “If the Umbra Queen retreats you are buying the beer. If she doesn't then I will buy the beer.”
“Deal,” Styx agreed.
Yubel eyes glowed as small comets started to rain down on the Umbra. The Umbra Queen formed up a barrier around the Umbra to stop the attack, “Enough! My Children we are not up to facing them, move back! ” She let out a glow as a wall of crystals blocked Yubel as the Umbra turned and raced far and up north. Yubel looked at herself and punched the Crystal breaking it in rage.
“OH! IS THE UMBRA A WEAK LITTLE BITCH?!” Lucas screamed through a megaphone he stole from Pinkie Pie.
“That's not nice! You could have asked for it nicely,” Pinkie Pie pouted.
Yubel roared out in anger and turned to the group. “Mom are you alright?” Chrysalis asked.
Yubel gave a simple word. “Burn!” She let out dark magic fire balls close to them.
“No, no. No not now!” Chrysalis said, “Why now!?”
“Hey Pinkie Pie?” Lucas asked calmly.
“Yes Lucas?” She answered back in an equally calm voice.
“Do you have a sleep dart big enough for her? It is a blowdart emergency.”
Pinkie’s eyes widened and her tail twitched as a giant blow gun fell out of her mane randomly. Lucas picked it up and aimed it at Yubel's butt, “It's time for bed!” He yelled in a fucked up nurse voice. He fired and an impossibly large dart struck Yubel in the ass.
Yubel froze and stared at him with glazed eyes. In flames Yubel shrunk back down to normal. She shook her head slowly getting the effects off, “I should eat you,” She said, wobbling a bit. Chrysalis caught her as she almost fell over, “Ladybug let's get out of here.” Yubel said half conscious.
"Hey Yubel, it looks like we both need anger management classes." Lucas said sadly.
Yubel glared at him. “No just you.”
Lucas's tone changed completely, “Denial gets those that suffer under it nowhere,” He said cheerfully.
No one seemed to agree with him. “So, will they be back?” Sunset asked.
“Most likely,” Yubel answered.
“We really need to create countermeasures as well as ascertain ourselves of their actual capabilities. We cannot fight them without knowing the facts,” Lucas said in the tone an instructor would use.
“Well one they are immune to dying because of physical attacks, however they have a glaring weakness, The Crystal Heart creates a counter to their powers being fuelled by positive emotions,” Yubel started.
“So only pure positive emotions would work? We cannot invoke this… blegh, positive emotions in others and expect it to stop them?”
“They are born of Negative emotions, besides it worked once before against them,” Yubel answered.
“I still can't believe this world has to be so fantastical,” Lucas said as he looked at the still muttering Styx who did not look happy about buying beers.
“If that doesn’t work we could always get Discord to fight her,” Yubel said sarcastically.
“Because that's always a good exit strategy,” Lucas snarked.
“What about the Love Alicorn?” Chrysalis asked, “Shouldn’t she be able to counter them?”
“I don't know, why don't you ask her aunts, who happen to be standing right there not looking happy about being excluded from the conversation,” Styx pointed out.
“Well, that's going to need some ice,” Lucas implied.
Chrysalis looked at the two and then her mother, “In hindsight I didn’t think this through,” She said.
“It's okay, just look at Styx. Most of the time he is too busy stealing and getting drunk to use his brain anyway,” Styx flipped Lucas off.
“At least my life is good! You're all just a bunch of whining bitches!” Styx tossed a bottle at the pavement, shattering it before walking away.
The conversation soon continued. “Where is Cadance?” Celestia asked.
“The girl with the name that means ‘My love Cadence’ right? Hell if I know,” Sunset stared at Lucas in bewilderment.
“What?” She just shook her head.
“Yubel, Did you see where she went? Oh wait nevermind. What about you Twilight?” When they continued to stare at him he sighed, “Have to do everything myself,” He turned on what could be considered the same as the detective mode from Batman and thermal vision combined but with the option to use both or one.
A smashing was heard in an alley, presumably from Styx, “I can't find shit out here!”
A changeling came up to Chrysalis. The demi-demoness turned to him and he whispered into her ear, “What do you mean Sombra took her!” She yelled.
“Well there goes operation: Love Bombardment. Ah, let's see, counter-operation: Bloody Skies is a good substitute for this,” Lucas remarked before he gasped and started walking off down the street as if he just saw something important.
Yubel shook her head at her daughter, “I have no idea why you were doing this Ladybug,” Yubel turned to Celestia and Luna, “I’ll go get Cadance back if that would help.”
“I found something!” Lucas yelled from down the street, “C’mon! I need you guys over here!”
“We’ll see,” Celestia said. Yubel flew down to Lucas along with the Alicorns.
“What did you find?” Yubel asked.
“Enough traces of dark magic to make the Crystal Empire look dull,” Lucas said seriously.
“What? I don't sense anything,” Twilight said in confusion.
“Well duh, you aren't looking right,” Lucas said vaguely, “Hey Yubel, can you see it too?”
Yubel nodded, “I’m a Demoness after all seems to be leaving a trail.. looks like it's a bit older than the others.” Yubel looked down. “You think Sombra went for Cadence while we were fighting?”
“I think if the opportunity presented itself and I was Sombra… Then yes,” Lucas agreed. “I know you guys hate me but we gotta work together.”
“I don't hate you… You're just… unusual,” Sunset Shimmer said.
“Well I know Yubel does… I think,” Lucas retorted.
“No I don’t I find your really annoying.” Yubel answered.
“Oh… I thought you wanted to kill me and then laugh,” Lucas said awkwardly. An awkward silence forms at that.
Yubel stared at Lucas, “Don’t make me entertain that thought.”
“So I wasn't wrong. Oh! I picked something up and it's moving fast!” Lucas teleported away.
“We have to track where he teleported!” Twilight exclaimed to the salient Elements of Harmony. The princesses nodded and concentrated.
“He's… in the crystal caves!?” Luna announced in shock.
“Wait why would he go there?” Chrysalis asked.
Styx was heard screaming before he disappeared in a flash, presumably to the same location. The princesses and Twilight as well as the elements teleported to the caves.
The caves looked different than the ones Chrysalis took refuse in for her invasion. “Must have been the oldest of the mines, from before the heartwarming said,” Twilight said.
“So you did come after all,” Lucas said from behind them, making the princesses jump around and get in defensive stances.
“Not cool! You should have told us where you were going!” Rainbow Dash said unhappily.
“Indeed, now my lovely dress is going to get all dusty,” Rarity whined.
“Uh-huh, if you keep complaining I’ll let you find him yourselves,” Lucas said in annoyance.
“You couldn't find your mum if she was in front of you,” Styx said as he smashed another bottle on the ground.
Yubel walked up as she could feel the energy of Sombra, “He is that way,” She said as she and Chrysalis took point.
“I don't get paid enough for this,” Styx said as Lucas hefted his rifle and held it in front of him.
“Get paid for saving ponies?” Pinkie Pie asked in confusion.
“Forget it. And why do I have the feeling that we are walking into a trap?” Styx said uneasily.
“Because we probably are. I mean, it's either that or Sombra is addicted to crystals so much so that he literally cannot think of anything else,” Lucas said.
“Ah would not want to end up like that…” Applejack said sadly.
Yubel stopped and pushed them out of the way. A Crystal blasted her with dark magic which soon was destroyed. “Or because the crystals in the mine are similar to his own.”
“Well then destroy the mine. It is a mine after all. Just remove the crystals and replace it with stone. Time consuming, yes but it works. Unless you put some weapon of mass destruction or some trinket or a fucking necronomicon down,” The princesses, Twilight and Sunset froze up at that.
Yubel turned to him, “If we remove the Crystals Sombra will just remake them or replace the with his own and the only superweapon here are me and the Alicorns,” Yubel said.
“Then why did you freeze up when I mentioned the book of death?” Lucas said as he pointed an accusing finger at them.
Yubel rolled her eyes, “Let’s focus on the task at hand please.”
“Ok! But if I find a random necronomicon or something it is finders keepers. I don't give a shit what you say. You treat your stuff like shit and you lose it,” Lucas said angrily.
“Alright fine.” Yubel said. As the room got darker Celestia shown out her magic creating a magic light ball for them.
“So you are here? ” Sombra voice could be heard.
“Oh, it's you, the portable icepick lobotomy,” Lucas sneered. Everypony winced at that image.
“Can you not say that ever again,” Yubel said flatly.
“Well it is true. He sounds like he had one performed on him,” Lucas said with a bellowing laugh that echoed all across the caves, “He could be a voice actor for those cliche villains in Disney,” At this point, he was choking on laughter, “Ah. Yeah, by the way do you have any random ‘evil’ books that happen to be lying around here for inexplicable reasons?”
“No. ”
“That means yes,” Lucas retorted.
“I'm pretty sure that means no,” Twilight said, her her hair frazzled and her eye twitching.
Enough of this foolishness! ” Sombra screamed as Crystals shot out attempting to separate the group. In the end they were with the ponies in one cavern, Yubel, Styx and Lucas in another, and Chrysalis right in front of Sombra.
“Much better… ahhh, ” Chrysalis had black flames in her hands as she attacked Sombra.
“You forgot about me!” The demi-demoness screamed.
“Yes. Because it is really fucking easy to forget about you,” Styx said sarcastically.
“Ouch,” Lucas said with a wince.
Yubel hit them both in the back of their heads, “That’s my Daughter you're talking about!”
“I didn’t say anything. Styx did. If you had actually listened to everything you would have known that,” Lucas retorted as he backflipped over one of Yubel’s blasts.
Yubel rolled her eyes, “You were thinking it.”
Chrysalis laughed at Sombra knocking them both down a pit, “Oh joy,” Celestia said with sarcasm at this.
“No. I wasn’t thinking about it. I’m not the one with the why-boner,” Lucas said as he pointed at Styx who turned around and covered himself.
Yubel had caught Chrysalis out from the corner of her eyes, “NO!” She punched the crystals apart in front of her.
“How did she do that?” Celestia asked, she remembered how hard these crystals were.
“Well it is pretty obvious. She went Darth Vader on it,” Everyone stared at Lucas in confusion.
“Oh yeah, I forgot,” Lucas facepalmed, “Let me put it simply for you. She went dark lord I’m going to kill you on the crystals.”
Styx stared at Sombra and Chrysalis as his jaw dropped, “Wait what?” The duo were somehow still fighting perfectly coordinated as they continued falling down the pit.
Yubel broke through the many crystals to the pit and jumped right in. Another group of Crystals were seen forming and breaking the black ones. Cadance was seen walking out tired having broken free when Sombra didn’t see. “Finally I’m free.”
Lucas walked up to Cadence and hung his head and tried to say something that was unlike him, “I’m s-s… I am… What I’m trying to say is… I’m sorry for torturing you.” Cadence and Chrysalis sensed the sincerity but Chrysalis was busy fighting still, “I was…” Lucas didn’t finish that statement as he didn’t know what to say.
Celestia gave Lucas a glare. “You tortured my Daughter?”
“I was on drugs. Plus you aren’t the one who has to try resisting getting drunk and angry when you have a fucking Goblin thief that loves to do exactly that around you,” Lucas retorted as he walked up to Styx and punched him the face, making him fall flat on his ass.
Yubel soon came flying up with a blink look on her face. “I… I have no words.” She started.
Lucas walked towards where she flew from and looked down, “Jeez! At least get a closed for lunch sign!” He said as he backed away from the sight.
“I’m afraid to ask but what’s going on?”Sunset asked.
“Um… Hate sex?” Lucas said hesitantly. Everyone except Yubel stared at him incredulously before walking towards the edge to see what was really happening. More than half of them gained blushes and Rarity and Fluttershy fainted.
Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter. Chapter 8: The Way The Sun Burns
Author's Note
This is the last completely comedic chapter for a while. The next chapters will be semi-serious and serious. So buckle your boots. Because... reasons.
Also we couldn't find NyxKnight so Styx is a bit in the background. Sorry about that.
Chapter 8: The Way The Sun Burns
“I really hate you right now.” Styx said to Discord.
Lucas was very far away from him and using Yubel as a meatshield, “I am never letting you drink again! You actually made politics make sense. And that’s not the only thing! You stole all the bits from the treasury and threw it into the ocean… I think we might be going through another Blackbeard phase very soon.”
“Oh come on it that wasn’t that bad.” Discord said with a smile.
“No, it was worse.” Yubel deadpanned.
“YOU MADE POLITICS MAKE SENSE!” Lucas screamed in rage. He was frothing at the mouth.
“Yeah so?” Discord said with a casual tone.
Lucas suddenly became very calm, “Politics are supposed to be tools for dictators and politicians to manipulate populations. Not be fair.”
“No Politics are are supposed to be understood so we all know how much of jerks we really are.” Discord stated.
“Can you please stop using me as a shield?” Yubel asked.
Lucas calmly walked around Yubel and Discord and up to about thirty feet from Celestia’s throne before he calmly put his assault rifle in his left hand and his pistol in his right. “ARGH!!!”
Two minutes of wasting ammunition and screaming later…
“-GHHHH!” Lucas finally stopped firing his weapons. He was breathing very heavily. Celestia’s throne was completely ruined.
“You done?” Yubel asked, Discord gave a snap as Celestia Throne was remade. He really didn't want to deal with a angry Celestia right now.
“Hey do you guys see that?” Everyone looked at where Lucas was pointing to see that he was literally standing on a mountain of assault rifle magazines. “I’m not cleaning this up.”
Yubel looked at Discord. “You do it please?” She asked with a wink. Discord sighed and taking the mags eat them all.
“Well, at least she still has her throne.” Styx said.
“Uh… I don’t think a throne is going to help an empty treasury.” Lucas said in a mocking voice.
“Are you sure?” Discord asked, “Look again.”
Lucas looked at the throne. He then turned his gaze back to Discord blankly, “Yeah, I don’t exactly see any difference.”
“Say awww.” Discord had a devious smirk. Lucas did and started to puke up bits. Discord laughed at him. Lucas then decided that he had had enough of Discord’s shit. He was still holding his weapons but he didn’t need them. He walked calmly over to Discord. Before Discord could do anything he spat out a bit which hit Discord square in the eye painfully. He kept throwing up more bits on Discord to get him to relent.
Yubel giggled as her ex-boyfriend get covered in bits. After a while Lucas stopped puking and a snap the bits went to the vault with Discord glaring at him. “Anything else?”
“You have no idea how much you have just fucked up…” Lucas said to Discord. He knew what Styx’s reactions to money where. He looked around the room and Styx was already gone. “Yep… He’s gone.” An explosion and screams were heard in the distance, reinforcing his point. “And… I ain’t touching that with a ten foot pole.” The sound of crazed laughter and clanking of coins was heard a few seconds later.
“Not it.” Yubel and Discord said at the same time.
“Like I said. No.” Lucas backed away from the entrance to the throne room. “That is so many levels of Nope.”
“Mom Styx is going on a rampage.” Chrysalis said as she entered the room.
“Are his eyes red?” Lucas asked. “If his eyes are red stay the fuck away from him.”
“No, he seems to be drunk.” Chrysalis stated, “Like really drunk.”
“What is he doing? Besides… You know… getting drunk off money.”
Pinkie Pie snapped awake and started coughing awkwardly, “Did you say getting drunk off money? That’s stupid.” She jumped through the ceiling and disappeared.
“Looks like you have some competitions as the local reality warper.” Yubel said with a smile at Discord.
Lucas looked out a window suddenly. Right as he looked, he saw Styx carrying sacks of bits and running away. “So should you stop him before Celestia burns him alive or should I?” Discord asked, “Or should I make popcorn?”
“I don’t think he is very flammable. Let’s get some popcorn.” Lucas said. “I can also just teleport him away if she tries to kill him too much...nah.”
“Pretty sure she would use Solar Plasma on him.” Yubel stated, “Also lets get a drink for it.”
“Not near a populated area she wouldn’t though. I remember in class they told me that solar flares were at least 3.6 million to 24 million degrees hot. If she used plasma…” Lucas shuddered. “Wait no, that is around five thousand to 24 million degrees. Well if Celestia burns the whole world alive I’m haunting her from the grave. Hey do you have the popcorn yet?” He asked Discord with narrowed eyes.
“I do and, believe it or not she has done that once… where did you think the badlands came to be?” Discord said handing him the popcorn.
Lucas facepalmed, “What an amateur.” as he grabbed the popcorn.
“Actually it took a lot of control, Luna true power more terrifying.” Discord stated offering him candy.
“No. I mean she didn’t even fix the fucking place.” Lucas corrected as he accepted the candy.
“It's Kinda hard to fix a place that’s been sterilized and in the middle of a deserted area.”
“Actually It’s a perfect place for the Changelings, the unique ores are worth fortunes.” Yubel pointed out. Finally Styx got blasted by a pissed off Celestia.
“Five hundred says Celestia knocks him out.” Discord betted.
“I bet her destroyed treasury that she accidentally destroyed her treasury while she tried to kill him. Get it? Because it is already destroyed!” Lucas pointed to the melted sacks of bits near Styx. He sighed, “This is why you never tempt a goblin with treasure. At least he is knocked out. You guys really need a better vault.”
“Well there is the Elements Vault, I only bypass it because of dimensional travel, though I heard Twilight was going to make a pocket dimension for the treasury in the future.” Discord stated.
“One second please.” Lucas said before a pained scream was heard as the unconscious form of Styx clattered to the marble floor. “You were saying?”
“Well I was saying about Twilight’s new idea for using a pocket dimension for a vault.” Celestia appeared looking angered and a bit bruised. “But you now owe me five hundred bits.”
“Oh hello.” Lucas said as he waved carelessly to Celestia. “No refunds.” Everyone heard from Styx’s unconscious form. “Okay…”
“I do not have time for this, I have a war going on!”
“Okay. I may be a soldier. I may even love destroying stuff. Hell I may even love patriotism but do NOT think for one sec that you are going to lure me into y… Screw it sign me up.” Lucas suddenly said.
Celestia was stunned but she didn’t show it. “Alright then.”
“Well seeing how I already started a fight me and the Changelings will help as well.” Yubel stated.
“Oh and before you even think about sending me into the frontlines like one of your chess pieces. I am a Shadow Marshall… An assassin of sorts… Send me into areas teeming with hostiles? No problem. I’ll either neutralize them all or avoid them and take out the HVT.” He smirked at her stunned reaction.
“Then it’s best you work with my Changelings.” Chrysalis said, “Our race has gotten good at stealth, spying, and subterfuge.
“I work alone.” Lucas’s head started fading into the background, the same with the rest of his body until he was completely invisible.
“Cool let me try that.” Discord then with a eraser wiped away his color until he was invisable.
“Don’t you dare Discord.” Yubel said knowing what he would do.
Lucas immediately looked up and saw a suitable place to stick to the ceiling. When everyone was paying attention to Discord he rappelled up and stuck to the ceiling uncomfortably.
“So then when are we going to head for the Crystal Empire get the heart, make Cadance a Princess and defeat the enemies?” Discord asked as he looked at the writers.
Chapter 9: We all have issues.
Discord was seen flying in the sky. “Pinkie Pie you realize those were military grade rocks right?” Yubel said to the Pink Pony. Pinkie Pie held them a welcome to ponyville party and Discord got caught on the rockets.
“I don't blame her. She just wants to make you smile. The dying part is just a bonus.” Styx said cheerfully. He had had one too many shots of alcohol.
“That is what he gets for doing my job for me.” Pinkie Pie said with a frown, which instantly reverted into a smile.
The rocket exploded with a Discord smile in the sky. Yubel caught his burning body out of the sky. She had a blush at the way he looked all burned up. “I saw myself dozens of myselves, of Faust, there me’s conquering universes!”
“Wait Faust? Is that like a not so murderous version of Stalin?” Lucas asked in confusion.
“No, it’s basically the Queen of the gods.”
“Look, I know you like religion but that shit just ain't healthy.” Lucas retorted. “You'll start believing that there is a deity for everything. Even...breathing.”
“Didn’t we meet a god like two chapters ago?” Pinkie asked.
“SHUT UP Pinkie! Their minds can't handle what we see!” Lucas screamed.
“Besides you're being ridiculous, what is there a god of cheating?” Sunset asked
In the void a being felt someone say his title. He ignored it.
“Well, duh.” Styx replied, “That is how so many of us end up cheated on. Hah!”
“Ignore him, he has had two too many shots. And I don't think you want the answer to that Sunset.” Lucas said bluntly. “You'll probably go on a rampage. Well...another rampage.”
Discord was up wearing a red uniform with a strange symbol on his chest. “So then shouldn’t we be looking for hate filled magic shadow life forms?”
“No. Totally not. You're overthinking it. They're probably already looking for us,” Lucas said. “Let them come. And then boom! Admiral Ackbar!”
“How dare you say that in front of me!” Discord said
“You had that coming for dressing like that.”
“Look can we focus at hand we need to defeat them.” Twilight asked.
“Pinkie Pie? If they force me to go I pinkie promise, cross my heart hope to fly stick a cupcake in my eye that I will never smile again.” Lucas said as he did the motions.
“Ok good to know, no then I believe there is a way to defeat them we just have to head to the crystal empire with Cadance.” Yubel said taking point.
Pinkie Pie was hyperventilating intensely at what Lucas had just said. “NOOOOOOO!”
The Umbrum Queen looked at one of her subjects. “Has Sombra reported in?” She asked.
On that cue her son appeared. The Queen gave a glare at the scent on him. “Really? You had time with the demi-demon?”
“Well it was more of hate sex.”
‘You look like you enjoyed yourself.” The queen said simply. Boy she did not look pleased.
“Would this change your mind?” Sombra said pulling out the crystal heart there only weakness blackened.
“It may. It may not. How do I know that you didn't just make a new, corrupted heart?” The queen asked.
Sombra removed the darkness and the moment he did the Umbrum hissed at the feelings of love, joy, happiness that the heart gave off. It was the crystal heart and Sombra had found a way to block its powers. “How did you know how to block its...effects?” Umbrum questioned.
“Remember that Demi-demon? Well let's just say this.” He said to the black goo. “Came from her and I refined it.”
“Are those...her…fluids? Really?” Umbrum asked with incredulity.
“Yes, yes it is.” Sombra deadpanned.
“You're lucky they work. Otherwise my opinion of you would be much lower for keeping that.” Her tone changed, “You know what must be done.”
“I tried destroying it… turns out it can’t be destroyed unless a whole city's worth of negative emotions is channeled into it, luckily we have that as well, we just need to crush their spirits.”
“It isn't going to be as easy as you think. Not with them having more than one source of hope. You need to destroy their beacons of hope, in order to accomplish your goal.” The queen said.
“Which is why have stole this.” Sombra showed a spell written on ancient paper written in blood, in eldritch words. “Star Swirls forbidden prison spell so horrifying he considered it equal to Tartarus, but saw it as fundamentally evil.” Sombra said with a smile.
“I hate when they grow up.” Umbrum lamented.
“Hey you have to admit he is the Crown Prince and the queens son for a reason.” Another Unbrum said.
Suddenly the atmosphere of the room they were in got a lot darker, “You better not fail me. ” The queen said to her son with a tone that promised unholy punishment.
“Oh believe me mother I won’t.” Sombra said, however inwardly he had his own smile.
“Pinkie why are you clinging to me so hard?” Lucas asked fearfully.
“I won't lose your smile!” She screamed.
“Pinkie let him go, trust me if he loses his smile I’ll have Discord give it back.” Yubel said
“Wait what?” Discord asked.
“I fucking hate this. You make me go everywhere with you.“ Lucas screamed at Yubel, “I don't need fucking supervision! I am an adult!’
“Really?” Pinkie Pie asked, “I thought you were a man child.”
Lucas suddenly detached from him Pinkie Pie and looked at her deadly serious. “Can you do me a favor? Something you would normally never do? Do this if you want your smile.”
“What is it?” Pinkie Pie asked hopefully even though she probably read ahead again and was in denial.
“STOP TALKING!”
“...Oh.” She said as her hair flattened.
Chrysalis came walking up with Cadence and a White Alicorn male. “Are we ready to go?” Chrysalis asked.
“One second. I'm not done.” Lucas turned back to Pinkie, “Stop reading ahead. And go stand somewhere very far away from me.” She sighed unhappily and stepped back ten yards. “Okay we are ready.” He noticed everyone glaring at him and simply flipped them off.
After a trip via train they ended up in the cold lands of the Crystal empire. As they walked into the city Yubel could feel something was not right. “Hold up… do you feel that?” She asked.
“All I feel is alcohol withdrawal.” Styx said.
“I feel a burning desire to kill someone for some reason.” Lucas said. “But other than that? No.”
“The Crystal heart is missing.” Chrysalis stated.
“I guess I do get to kill after all… Who did it?”
Several Shadows were seen in the distance.” Sombra was seen on a massive Crystal while his mother glared at them all. “Who do you think?” Sombra asked pulling out the spell scroll.
“Did I ever tell you...the definition... of insanity?” Lucas asked as he aimed his weapons at Sombra. He opened fire.
A crystal barrier popped up. “Mom hold them down so I can cast the spell.”
Lucas suddenly clutched his weapons extremely tightly. He wouldn't let that bitch take his weapons. As the queen wrapped around them Yubel thrushed ready to go full power and bet her again when suddenly the scroll glowed and a black hole opened up. The group floated up into it. With the queen as well.
“Trator!” She screamed.
“No mother I succeed you.” Sombra said.
“Holy shit! Fuck you pony Hitler!” Lucas screamed.
With that they entered the black hole and disappeared. Chrysalis blinked. She was the only one not sent into the black hole.
“Lucas we been over this killing them does nothing!” Yubel screamed as she tossed off the strange abomination off her. It looked like a pony but it was so wrong. “At the end of the day time resets for them!”
“Shut up Mom ! You can't tell me what to do!” Lucas screamed. The mom part was said mockingly.
Yubel responded by punching him in the arm. “We need to get out of here! I had a way but you had to toss my deck at the Smooze!”
“I don't know. I quite like this. It is a great stress reliever. Now I know how the dictators and kings feel.”
“Oh sorry, I just want to get home to my little girl and her kingdom by all means let's stay here.” Yubel said with sarcasm.
“Wait a minute. I just realized something. We have been killing these things before they could even say a word. Hmm…” Styx said. “I wonder if they have booze.”
“What is booze?” One of them asked.
“Nooooooooooo !” Styx actually sounded exactly like Darth Vader.
Yubel tossed the “pony” into a pit. “So you with me at going home?”
“Take me to your leader if you want to live.” Lucas said in an Arnold Schwarzenegger impression to the ‘ponies’.
There leader came. It looked like a normal human girl. Who lived in evil ‘pony’ hell world. “Kill it like the rest.” Styx said.
“Wait a minute. A human...hmm.” Lucas said, intrigued. “What are you doing in this hellhole?”
“Stop Lucas, it’s an Eldritch Abomination in Human form.” Yubel warned.
“Same thing. Do you know Loki or Khorn? What about Tzeentch? Cthulhu?” Lucas asked the eldritch being.
“No i was banished y Lady Faust for being, “Evil beyond words’ and attempting to destroy the ponies for my own.” Yubel hit him in the head.
“Sounds fun. Do you have an omniversal phone connection?” He asked, ignoring Yubel. He pulled out his phone. “These idiots think they can escape without a phone signal.” He pointed to Yubel and the others.
“What the hell is a phone?” She asked.
“Oh you know...just a piece of technology that can call another from anywhere in the galaxy.”
“I won't allow any more technology then you see, if it more advance we destroy it…. then turn you into my ponies.”
“That is it. Merica Fuck U!” Lucas screamed as he opened fire at the girl with both his weapons. He fired everything he had at her with extreme prejudice.
She just got back up after being shot to pieces. “Fools! Nothing can kill me in here!”
“Hey you seen a deck of cards?” Yubel asked.
“Oh yes these?” she asked pulling up Yubel’s cards.
“Yes can I have them?” Yubel asked.
“Sure why not they are powerless.” She tossed it to Yubel.
“Uh… you are a fucking idiot. You actually fell for that.” Styx said with a facepalm.
“What you mean…” Yubel pulled out a card, “Return from a different dimension.” With that they all disappeared leaving the ‘human’ alone with her ‘ponies’
“You forgot about me!” The Umbrum Queen screamed at them.
Out of a vortex the group landed in the snow lands of Equestria. “You know I still can’t believe she handed me my cards back.”
“She is a fucking heathen. She never been to America. You guys and me… we are video game and cartoon characters there. What an idiot.” Lucas said absentmindedly.
“Isn’t Yubel from a card game from a Anime spin off of a second Anime adoption of a manga?” Pinkie Pie asked.
“Yep. Wow, they don't look happy about finally hearing the truth.” Lucas said as he saw everyone’s aghast expressions.
“You do realize everything on earth is also real right?’ Discord asked.
“That is what makes it so funny! I want to meet the Cyberdyne systems model 101 series 800!” Lucas said happily.
“So where is Chrysalis? She wasn’t with us when we entered the the hell dimension.”
“Um...Yubel. What you are about to hear...It will break your heart… If you have one that is.” Pinkie Pie said with a downcast expression.
“Pinkie… finish what you are about to say and I will eat your soul.” Yubel said calmly.
Pinkie Pie laughed, “Oh silly, I don't have a soul.”
Discord whispered to her. “I don’t think the bluff is working abort.”
“Mom!” Chrysalis said as she flew down.
“See? I was going to say she was alive. That is why it would break your heart.” Pinkie finished.
“Wow!” Lucas yelled at Pinkie. “Holy shit that is fucked up!”
Discord had on armor. “Everyone move far away from the pink one.”
They screamed in pain except for Lucas since he had gotten use to it.
“Hey why is everyone…” Pinkie Pie for the first time felt true fear. Yubel placed her hand on her shoulder.
“This will only hurt… forever.”
(What happens next is too horrifying that there isn’t a rating for it.)
Yubel pulled out monster reborn and brought back Pinkie Pie. “You learned your lesson? Or should I continue?”
“Please no.” Pinkie said in a low voice.
“What. The. Fuck. You gave me a fetish for torture.” Styx said.
Everyone looked at him. They didn’t know what to be more disturbed about. What Yubel just did or the fact Styx liked it.
