Chapters HORSEMASK!!! In Equestria
With a saunter that rivalled Deadpool himself, a man in a simple, yet very pleasing suit, and wearing an astonishingly beautiful rendition of a horse in mask form, walked past the parking lot outside the large building, which seemed to contain a convention. In hands was an ornate pipe, which he would bring up to his mouth as he exhaled the previous puff of smoke. With his very being emanating pure, unadulterated swagger, he walked straight past the guard, who looked at him in sheer jealousy.
"You can't smoke that in here, sir," The horseman stopped and the mask flopped towards the guard in a manner that simply spoke, HOW DARE YOU CHALLENGE ME, MORTAL. He reached slowly towards the side of his suit, and slipped his hand into one of the inner pockets. With a simple flick of a sheet of paper, the horse man stared at the guard. He passed it to the guard and continued walking.
In a simple, but elegant script, was a singular picture of a cartoon man in a red suit, quite clearly it was Spiderman, and said naught but Will you kindly fuck off? The guard scoffed, crumpled the masterpiece and began to look around for his disappearing quarry. To his rising anger, completely unjustified, the guard could not see where the majestic cosplayer had gone. For all intents and purposes, to the guard, he may have never even existed. The guard turned around and resumed his talk with the guest in line.
The horse man himself had already passed into the larger crowd of the convention, all of them passing out of way, and those that dared to ignore his handsomeness, were forced out the way by his own hands. Scoffing and flopping his mask each time he did so, the man himself reached a simple stall. Taking a large puff of his pipe, he leaned down and exhaled it towards the man running the stall. While the man's own appearance was nowhere near as purely majestic as HorseMask's, it was still worthy of notice.
As if the man had known who he was dealing with, he bowed and his cloak waved giddily in the air. His face was old, wrinkled, and shone from it's own sheer blinding whiteness. Other people ignored the stall and some even dared scoff at the two. HorseMask shook his mask in disbelief. How could such a glorious stall, filled with a steaming bowl of rotting fruit, and lovely paper mache sonic masks, be so blatantly ignored? It was a sin, thought HorseMask. He shook the mask, making an even louder noise.
"Good afternoon, I see you are enjoying the pipe from the last time we met," the dark man said.
A moment of silence later, during which all of the passerby showed their jealousy in glares, HorseMask nodded his mask rapidly, and the man nodded. The bowl of fruit was passed to another man, wearing a green body suit, who eagerly tossed a handful of coins onto the counter and disappeared in a whirling cloud of purple smoke. A simple cry of "FOR 4CHAN. FOR REDDIT. FOR THE MEMES," came from the cloud before it sunk to the floor. A soft noise, much like a pwif, was the last noise as the bowl of fruit fell to the floor and splattered those near by with the glorious paste.
A loud scream nearly drowned out the cloaked man's next sentence, "Perhaps you'd like to see another pipe?" Another eager nod from the horseman was the only response, and a simple box appeared in the cloaked man's hands. Opening it, HorseMask began to sing the chorus of angels, and many more people covered their ears, fearful that his excellent voice would leave them deaf to lesser noises. Taking the pipe gently in his hands, HorseMask placed the other in a pocket of his beautiful suit.
Bringing it to the hole he had placed, with a straw, for this exact purpose, HorseMask took a heavy and deep inhale from the pipe and felt himself float off the ground. Bursting into flawless, and beautiful vocal rendition of Rick Astley's Never Gonna Give You Up, HorseMask splayed his arms out like he was ascending to heaven itself. For, yes, he was indeed ascending for his majesty would be witnessed upon a world which had never seen such excellence.
With a screaming blaze of glory, HorseMask let out a whinny and fell to the ground. Landing a bit harder than anticipated, how dare the ground impede him, the horse man gazed out upon the new domain in which he would become the One. Taking to a knee, and bringing his model hand as fist to his chin, HorseMask spoke. "I have come, dearest horses, to reclaim you of your pitiful and unglorious lives. I will be your Sherperd, and you, My Sheep." HorseMask's wonderful monologue did not go unwitnessed, for a second figured dropped in the clearing.
With a sheer black coat, blood red mane and eyes, and both a horn and a pair of wings, the entity was somewhat of a marvel. It was also holding a very long sniper rifle in it's hooves. Eyeing it carefully, HorseMask decided upon offering it his wisdom and sheer wonderful awesomeness. "Hello, child," his glorious baritone voice, echoing with bass, came forth, "Have you come to witness me?"
"SHUT THE FUCK UP BITCH, IMMA FUCK UR ASS," the being dared to say against this wonder of a man, "IMMA FUCKIN 420 NOVASCOPE YOU." Leaping upwards and propelling itself with unglorified wings, for HorseMask had not touched them and so they could not shine with their true majesty, it raised the pitiful weapon to face the horse man. Spinning, and spinning, and spinning, it's hooves began to pull upon the trigger.
"Fuk off," HorseMask said in his beautiful voice. Immediately, the entity froze.
"I HAVE SINNED, PLEASE, I WILL-" the alicorn, who's name was Super Hyper Godsend Alicorn Magical Princess Sex-bang Special Awesome Guy Man Horse of Sheer SEXY Superness, tried to cry out as he realized whom he had forsaken. A mere smile appeared on the lips of the mask and the alicorn disappeared in an explosively beautiful shower of red. The confetti and party balloons were wetter and redder than HorseMask was used to, but they were acceptable. With a slow nod, he turned and the mask flopped majestically with him.
He flipped his mane to the side as he turned and, with his hands upon his hips, sauntered off towards the town in the distance. The super glorious sexy ass of that man, wonderfully tight like a virgin, swayed beautifully like a tree in the wind as he meandered off towards the town. His walk, holier than the light of any divine entity, attracted the attention of the animals of the forest. A single lone bear, having witnessed the perfection, nodded with its arms crossed.
HorseMask soon came upon the drivel that was the town of Ponyville. Staring, rather shocked, at the disturbing lack of memes and Rick Astley posters, HorseMask could not help but believe Equestria to be a land of uncultured swine who did not see the true way. It was a depressing and most pressing issue, for if the ponies did not learn the way then they could not be worthy of the truest and most divine path. Upon yet another shake of his mask, the horse man brought the pipe to his mouth and inhaled deeply.
"I'm never gonna give you up," HorseMask said, in the deepest version of his extremely sexy and glorious baritone voice.
HORSEMASK!!! In Equestria
With a saunter that rivalled Deadpool himself a pair of legs in a taunt red suit appeared on screen to reveal a tight young ass, rivalling that of a young and fresh virgin's, before a man turned down to face the screen. "Oh hey, I'm sure you're wondering how I got here," he started, the voice clearly that of the sexiest man alive, Ryan Reynolds, before suddenly collapsing to the floor as the voice of Morgan Freeman came forth. "This is not your place, Mister Pool, get your own crappy Human in Equestria story." The screen panned up to reveal a man in a flawlessly beautiful suit, which many people would ask for the tailor of, and a glorious rendition of a horse in mask form. The man was singing n the most beautiful voice that had ever graced the ears of man kind, "I'm never gonna give you up."
Mister Pool started sobbing, "My family jewels, how could you hit my family jewels."
The man in the suit changed songs, "Ah AH AH AH, staying alivvvvvvvvvvvvve!!!!" as the man in the taunt red suit vanished and it behind the man was a large town full of various small multicolored ponies. Scattered across each building were various posters, from that of a glorious green ogre to those of Rick Astley, god of music himself. At the center of the town, where Horse Mask himself stood was a marble statue of pure white of the God of Music in the nude, splayed out like one of your French girls.
Horse Mask gently placed a grape in the statue's mouth and nodded sagely, before turning around to face the group of ponies. "Go forth my disciples and preach thee of the way of our god!" Several of the ponies let out a battle cry, a loud screech like a pterosaur the noblest of creatures, and galloped out of the town, leaving Horse Mask alone with the tumbleweeds and Jake, from Statefarm. Jake said something about khakis and handed a pair to Horse Mask before waltzing out of town.
Horse Mask nodded, the eyes of his mask closing as his glorious baritone voice came forth, "A good man." He said as he turned and placed his hand on the statue. Before him a tiny statue of a man with an ornate sun lifted it's arms and with a cry of "PRAISE THE SUN" Horse Mask disappeared. Once he had disappeared the tiny statue started chanting sun, it's gold form reflecting the very light of the glorious sun itself.
In a castle far off from the town itself, very ornate but lacking in any form of true art and culture, Horse Mask materialized before one many ponies had often claimed to be a god. Her form was of an alabaster color, unlike the color of the true sun itself and Horse mask hummed loudly as he waltzed towards her. Despite this, she remained ignorant to the image of sheer beauty behind her and moped loudly as she stared at the glass form of the moon.
He stared past her at the glorious form of the sun, a brilliant form stared back as she moped. Many knew the form that graced the world that morning, a young canine with white and golden fur stared back down at the man. He nodded and spoke, "Heckin bamboozled" came forth the sheer glory of the baritone voice. The false sun turned around, the sound of a young man as if it had come from Alexa, the daughter of the god of music, let out a yelp of pain and death.
The white horse stared at him for a moment before speaking, her horrifically awful vocal cords letting out a sound that should have never graced his ears. Despite the heresy before him, Horse Mask allowed her to speak. "Who are you? Where did you come from?" The strange horse, a terrible recreation of the sun on her flank, stared into the mask. For all in that it's beauty was, she let out a grimace at it, for it harmed her eyes.
"I am the one come to relieve you ponies of your uncultured ways," he spoke the truth, for it did not matter to him what such a pitiful creature though of him. Lies for the cultured, the truth was all that was needed here. He raised a statue of the One True God and nodded, giving her a flop of his mask. This much was obvious to any of true intelligence. She stared at him as though he had lied, for her simple and tiny mind could not handle such absolute glory and pure honesty. His pure innocence was far too powerful for her and she let out a sigh.
"I see," she answered, her tone portrayed her angst. She turned back to the moon, a single tear falling down her face for she could not deny the power of the very form she had seen. The alicorn suddenly started sobbing, shocking the man in all his glory. Crying women, that was something he was used to. Many women could not handle his power, this much he was used to. The fact she suddenly did this shocked him but he nodded sagely once more.
"What is wrong False Sun?" he asked, his baritone voice causing her ears to flatten. The princess let out another sigh and wiped her horrible looking face of the tears, making it look far worse than it had before. The horse was, in Horse Mask's eyes, the ugliest monstrosity he had ever seen in his long life. She had no true beauty and no true glory to her form. This was the way of the false sun, he saw, and he shook his head.
"I once had a sister," she began to speak, causing him to flop the mask to the side as he winced, but she seemed to take it as a nod. "She was younger than me, and like me, she took charge of the day and night, though she took the moon."
"I see," he answered, flopping the mask to face her once more. She once again flinched, shocked by it's beauty.
"She was by my side for so long," tears graced her face, causing Horse Mask to finally look at her now that he could tolerate her face. "But, she finally snapped, she couldn't take the way the ponies treated the night and I was forced to send her away."
"I see," he nodded, a single tear falling from the face. With a slow deliberate reach of his arm, he patted her head and removed a small cylinder from behind her ear. A glowing blue light shone from it and he continued, "Alexa, this is so sad," he placed the box on the floor, "play despacito." The blue light blinked and the very ground began to shake as a glorious pair of voices rose forth, they were the children of the god of music himself.
Ay, ¡Fonsi! ¡D.Y.!Ohhh, oh, no, oh, no, ohHey, yeah!Dididiri Daddy, go!
The horse blinked, her shock at such sheer absolute beauty from such a small box evident. She stared at the box before his voice came forth from behind her. "So, I heard you missed the moon." Once she faced him, Horse Mask had bent over and his hands held his now open cheeks, "This is the story of when I was just a filly and the sun was going down!!"
She stared at his naked and glorious cheeks, the hair revealing a brilliant brown eye as he spoke. With a puff of air a wondrous smell graced her nostrils and she blinked in shock, it smelled like delicious cake.
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HORSEMASK!!! In Equestria
A Very HorseMask Halloween Special: Little Caesars
With a huff Twilight stared at the plaza before her as the man with the weird pony mask, honestly it didn't look anything like a pony it was too weird, finished his weird religious tirade. He was preaching really oddly, something about a god of music and never giving ponies up? His entire thing was so weird. The weirdest part was the rumors that had sprung up though, because a lot of them said he was running something called "Little Ceaser's Slasher's Pizzeria"? Honestly, she didn't even know what the food he made was.
Nonetheless, Celestia had asked her to investigate, especially after what Luna called the M🍑💨N Incident. The M🍑💨N incident, she told herself, but no matter whatever she did it still came across as M🍑💨N and even the m🍑💨n was said like that now. How, why, or even to what level it had managed this not even Discord allegedly knew. So, as such, it was her duty to investigate.
That didn't change the level of irritation the princess or Twilight felt at this change, though no other pony had noticed. As such, Twilight was rather steamed as she made her way towards the street the pizza parlor was on. Distracted and completely oblivious to what was happening around her, she did not notice someone approaching. Horse Mask swiftly kicked a small rock towards her and the lavender pony faceplanted in the dirt with a rather loud "OOMPH".
He nodded sagely and spoke, "I remember the OOMPH, a wonderous noise for when your 🍆 is being used. Sadly, my meme stick has not been touched since the last time this happened." He sadly wiped away a tear that was falling from the mask's eye and watched Twilight force herself up off the ground. The lavender pony shook her head accidentally smacked Pinkie, who was approaching Horse Mask and caused her to blindly collide with Horse Mask's groin.
The pink mare blushed and started giggling, "Sorry!" She giggled harder as he remained stock still, "The pizzas are ready!" Pinkie took off running down the street towards the parlor. Twilight turned to stare at Horse Mask for a couple of seconds before finally speaking.
"Why would you do that?" she asked.
"I saved you," Horse Mask took to a knee and stared at the ground, placing his hand over the eyes of his mask. "A dangerous assassin aimed for your life and you faced great danger." He nodded slowly and hummed, "Yes, great danger."
Twilight stared at the rock and then looked back at Horse Mask, "Great danger?" She muttered this quite loudly and Horse Mask suddenly froze to stare up at her, looking dead into her eyes and she stared back. horse Mask's soulless stare caused her to shiver and slowly move back away from him. Something told her something very dangerous was about to happen.
"Are you mocking me?" Horse Mask said with a whisper, causing his deep baritone to shake Twilight's very bones as a cold chill went down her spine. "If you are mocking me..." he drawled off and looked up to the sun and then flopped the mask heavily to face her, "you will see your own doom so quickly..." Twilight shivered as a trickle of yellow liquid flowed down her leg at the very essence of fear travelled through her and Horse Mask walked off backwards, staring at her as he disappeared around the corner.
She shook her head to clear her confusion and shook her leg in attempts to dry it before slowly continuing down the street and looking around. The street was bustling with ponies and none of them seemed to notice her, despite her fame, and she arrived the parlor easily enough. The parlor itself was dark and silent aside from the single light towards the back. As with most stores in Ponyville, the doors were not locked despite it being closed for there were no ponies stealing.
She entered the parlor as silently as she could and peered into the darkness only to hold back a scream of pure terror when she noticed the object closest to the door. It was a large bipedal figure, much like Horse Mask, but it wore a strange shirt of red and green in stripes. Atop it's head was a ratted out hat, a few burnt holes in it. Beyond that was a disfigured face, the dull light making it look far worse. It slowly turned to face her and she scrambled away.
A few chairs crashed to the floor and she felt herself breathing heavily before she realized it hadn't elected to follow her. Several parts of the floor shone in a dark red, reflecting the dull light of the shop. Slowly, she pulled herself to her hooves and looked around once more, noticing three other creatures. Two of them were quite different from the first, one wore a dark zipped up suit with a strange white face, while the other wore a jacket with a white mask. She recognized the hockey mask while the last one looked exactly like the one near the front of the store, claws and all. She blinked and realized she must have been seeing something, for it was Horse Mask in all his beatific glory walking towards her.
The one wearing the hockey mask suddenly charged at her and bore down, staring her dead in the eyes. Twilight, in that moment, froze as a large blade extended towards her and stopped in front of her face. Panting heavily she turned and stared at Horse Mask, her eyes screaming for help. He shrugged and his glorious baritone voice echoed across the parlor.
"Don't worry, Jason doesn't kill you if you don't have any ambition."
"Or ignorance," a voice that sounded suspiciously like the False Sun. Horse Mask nodded sagely once more, the smell of burning sage filled the parlor as he shrugged suddenly and spoke, "Indeed, though wanting to live is an ambition." The bipedal creature went to swing and Horse Mask clapped his eyes, realizing the sun had set and more light was now needed in the parlor. Jason vanished and Twilight was staring at a crowd of ponies all eating some sort of circle food. She blinked and realized she was now sitting down in a chair.
"So," Horse Mask spoke in his absolutely amazing voice, "What'll it be?"
"What the-" a very loud honking noise cut off whatever she said next and there was a brilliant flash of red, though it seemed every knew what she had said as various dishes, food and even tables fell to the floor with a very loud crashing noise. Several ponies gasped and some fell to the floor, unconscious. When she faced Horse Mask, the bottom jaw on his Mask had reached halfway to the floor in utter shock as he let out a long drawn out gasped and finally spoke, though the mask remained dropped.
"What did you just say, mothahfuckair?" he asked, his deep baritone voice shaking her very bones as her teacher, who had apparently been in the room approached. The False Sun shoved the lavender one out of the way, her eyes shaking and her body shaking.
"Good morning to you! Good morning to you! We’re all in our places With sun-shiny faces~!"
The False Sun glanced off to the side, a man in a crisp black suit stared back with a bright grin to his mouth but an evil glare to his eyes, a thumbs up directed at her as she let out a slight sigh of relief. As she did this, twilight let out a yelp as something brushed against her, it felt oddly warm and greasy. When she turned, it was a floating pizza with an evil face on it. The creature let out a loud cackle before the False Sun suddenly realized outside was getting light.
She brought one of her hooves to her fore leg and pushed back the coat of it to reveal an arm. It was large, larger than one could possibly believe, and heavily muscular with many thick pulsing veins through it. A matt of hair was pushed down by an ornate light pink watch with purple one's face on it and the words "My Little Pony" were revealed to Horse Mask. He stared and nodded at the time, it was indeed morning. The coat rolled back down.
Ignoring the man in the crisp black suit and it's giant H on the front holding an empty pizza box, they all rushed outside and the False Sun gasped. "Oh no, the Sun is Rising!" Several of the ponies turned towards her and Twilight frowned.
"If the sun can rise on it's own, why do you raise it?" Twilight asked.
The False Sun looked her dead in the eye as a large golden circle on fire crawled up on the horizon, a cloud of fire raising from it's loudly screaming mouth. "You smell like asparagus, first off, and I don't trust it," she said with a dead squint and an angry look to her face. As she said this, Horse Mask removed his binoculars and focused on the sun. He saw a small golden statue on fire and nodded.
The False Sun stared back at the sun, it's brilliant light shining down on the land. "I don't trust the look of that sun."
HORSEMASK!!! In Equestria
Genesis: The Love Story That Never Was
With a very pitiful puff of horrific stench, an extremely ugly man with long blonde hair the color of white piss and light blue eyes the color of blue antifreeze for some reason and pupils the size of pencil tips appeared. Instead of clothes or something truly reasonable, such as suit or even a full body skin suit, he wore large bright red or crimson armor. The armor clanked to a stop and he unsheathed his sword, pitiful electricity crackled along the blade like a weak electric fence.
A taser has more of a charge than the strip of red metal poorly crafted, it could probably be snapped by a toddler touching it, the craftmanship was that awful. Honestly, normally there wouldn't be this much on a stupid sword but there's a point where it's a sword and then there is this garbage, it was just a jagged piece of metal painted red! It was even made of aluminum of all things, and the red paint was starting to crack.
The armor was actually just cardboard, despite the clanking noise that somehow came from it. He had used bright red paint to give it a shine, chrome red paint actually. To be honest, it looked like armor from a distance but once you got close it looked like poorly rendered armor from a 2003 game of some sort. There was still, of all thing, a price tag attached to both the armor and the sword, along with the paper crown, also red, atop his head.
The sword had the numbers 1250 on it with a small image of a person yelling, while the armor said 8888. The crown meanwhile had a little note with the same image and it said "I can't believe this idiot actually bought this XD". He looked like a poorly drawn OC, all in all, and that's essentially what he was. Laughing with glee he skipped towards the town like a little girl, effeminate giggles coming from his mouth.
While he skipped towards the town, someone began to sing The Hills Are Alive, though it was clear the awful OC man could not hear it as he skipped through the fields. A man in a pinksuit, wearing an old style dress, sang in a beautiful falsetto and followed him into the town slowly. As he sang, little birds and various animals came up to him, nuzzling him lightly before running off. With Pinksuit behind him, the man in the horribly bad armor managed to enter the town and gazed around at the ponies.
A huge grin appeared on his face and he realized where he was now, this was certainly Equestria! With a tea rful smile as he wiped away the tear, the an let out a nasally effeminate cry of "Moi waifus! I must find my queen for she and my family will rise!" He grabbed one of the ponies and nodded with a whisper said, "A suitable stand-in." Pinksuit shook his head sadly and began ushering the remaining ponies out of town from the OC man who began to rant as he tied up the small horse.
"As the patriarch, I must establish our rules, my queen," his nasally effeminate voice came forth and the pony paled, Pinksuit held up a sign in the background though. Let him go on, Help Will Be Here Soon. She gulped and nodded to the red man. "I am Genesis Valentine, you are my queen and we have never been defeated in battle! My family fights only with honor, of course, and as my queen you must too." She nodded for him to continue, a single tear falling from her eye.
Assuming it was from the beauty of what he was saying, Genesis continued, "I once fought with no honor, a long time ago. I was a scoundrel, a very bad man, because I fought with very underhanded tactics against someone of great power. Despite their honorific means of combat, I tried to destroy them. As a denizen of the night, the very embodiment of the witching hour, they ruled a great faction of many. I called them a great many things, mostly a corrupt baby person, despite their attempts to teach me the truth and help me in my endeavors. Indeed, I was once a man called Silver, for my hair you see, and this person and I had a great many battles though soon I found myself barred from their presence."
The pony stared at him, her mind racing at the ridiculous tirade the weirdly ugly creature seemed to be going on. She had to question if it was mentally challenged or something else. Did it lack common sense? Whatever it's problem was, it was severe. The other creature had said help was coming and she could only hope they weren't cahoots, though she doubted it because the pink creature was rather majestic.
When she turned her attention back, Genesis was still going, "I have fought a great many assassins in my past, in fact just earlier today and-" a deep baritone voice, majestic and brilliant to her ears interrupted the creature. It echoed deeply and sung in her heart like the dawn of a new era, a warmth like that of the fresh morning sun calmed her and when she faced he source a majestic creature with a head similar to her own was there wearing a crisp suit. The attire was far more fashionable.
"I'm never gonna give you up," it had said and she was entirely sure that it meant what it had said wholeheartedly. As she watched, the other creature in it's horrific form turned and faced the divine being she had seen.
"What brings you here, my good fellow? Have you come to join my royal family? There are many tasks required that are made to break your mind," Genesis stated in his ear-piercing voice.
"What is this ear-damning squall I hear coming from this red thing," the divine one asked, facing Genesis.
"I am Genesis Valentine, Patriarch of the Royal Family. Neither I, nor my wife, have ever been beaten in battle you see, do you wish to join my family," the red monster asked again.
"I've already beaten her," the divine one said.
"What?"
"I've already beaten her," it said again.
"What, no you haven't! You're just saying you did!" Genesis screamed in anger, "I've killed for less!"
Without any warning, the pink creature slid up and started to plead with Genesis, "No! Please don't kill him! Please don't him!" It said in a rather effeminate voice, though it sounded better than Genesis' own voice. She stared between the three creatures before her in utter confusion as Genesis pushed past the pink creature and swung the sword in it's hand. With a flick of his wrist, the divine one snapped it like nothing more than a twig and reached into his pocket, removing a small red creature.
The little thing titled it's head, "Not my queen, dis is not," the creature took a deep breath and a sonic boom raced forward and blew the red monster's armor and crown to pieces as it said "DE WAE!" The shout echoed for several moments and the divine creature faced her and nodded as he and the pink one walked up to the now half dead red monster. "I don't usually beat dead horses, but I'll make an exception," he began to kick the injured red thing which fell unconscious.
"So, why are you pink now, my good friend?" it asked the other creature.
"The pie horse." The divine one nodded at that response.
Genesis awoke with a start, only to find himself facing a mirror like some sort of cliché. What stared back was a brain and a pair of eyes floating in a jar. As it watched, Horse Mask approached with a grin and nodded, placed a label on the jar where Genesis could see.
He got ready to yell and Horse Mask shook his head, "None of that now, I'm not leaving you alone, don't worry!" he removed a small plush bean with pink hair from his pocket. "My one and only Haunted Astolfo plush. It called me gay once, and if you need it to, it'll suck your dick and call you gay. Have fun." He sat it on top of the jar and the little bean let out a cry.
"YOU SO GAY BITCHBOI GIMME YO DICK."
Author's Note
HORSEMASK!!! In Equestria
HorseMask and the Chicken Dinner Side Quest
HorseMask stared down at the small horse running the stand, a both eyes squinted on his mask. The horse before him was, of all of them, the one with rainbow hair and a blue coat. She stared back, her eyes completely dead and as she went to open her mouth for whatever line she was going to spout, HorseMask's baritone voice interrupted her. "Cease to be, LGBT." And that was when she froze and a robotic tone came forth from her body.
She let out a cry, rather loudly, "WE MUST SAVE MY FAMILY."
HorseMask nodded, "I see, and where is she?"
The cyan horse let out another cry of "WE MUST SAVE MY FAMILY."
HorseMask let out an extremely loud and girlish gasp of horror, the eyes on his mask widening to the size of dinner plates as the mouth dropped open. His scream pierced the air and echoed across the planet as he suddenly crouched down hugged his knees to his chest. A nonstop stream of tears fell from his eyes as cyan horse kept calling out about saving her family.
HorseMask was crying for several hours before the sun finally set and he hiccuped himself out of the mental breakdown and took a deep breath before raising his hand and backhanding the cyan horse as hard as he could. With the loudest crack ever heard in Equestria, the cyan horse's head shot up straight into the air like a Rock Em Sock Em robot. Her head bobbled in the air for a few moments and she fell to the ground. What had once been eyes were now black Xs.
"Blehhh," her tongue fell out of her mouth as HorseMask disappeared with a loud VWORPLE, except he didn't disappear and instead a screaming lemon appeared and salt poured out from the little fruit. Horse Mask winced and punted it away with his foot as there was the sound of a small electronic bell. When he turned around, the cyan horse had respawned.
She blinked, "What happened?"
"WE MUST SAVE YOUR FAMILY," HorseMask declared and screamed, causing her ears to fall off her head at the sheer glory of the voice. As she scrambled to pick up her ears, HorseMask moonwalked backwards out of existence and appeared in on a circle in a room of blue. He turned around and saw a man with short brown hair, a green shirt, and brown pants.
"Oh, hello my good man!" HorseMask nodded with a grin at the man who nodded back. As he watched a second man appeared, blonde muscle Elvis showed up literally out of fucking nowhere. The momma's boy laughed as the second man's body fully materialized and revealed a pink silhouette. Suddenly, they all found themselves standing in a bus crowded with a bunch of poorly rendered third dimensional people. Several of them were jumping out and yelling thank you to the bus driver.
Though the windows were black, HorseMask knew exactly where they were. It was...
A massive picture of yellow text appeared in front of them, literally blocking half of their vision. The gold words shimmered for a moment before finally disappeared, though where they were was still no secret. What they could see out the front window by the bus driver, her red frizzy hair and green chameleon bouncing to the music. Finally, a small child yelled out, "Please let this be a normal field trip!"
Another kid shook his head and shoved the other out while screaming, "WITH THE FRIZ? NO WAY!" HorseMask nodded in appreciation before Pinksuit let out a cry himself and held up a sign, you know what ta say !
"Please let this be a normal battle royale!" Pinksuit's cry echoed through the now empty bus and the woman at the front finally said something a cry.
"With Horse Mask? NO WAY!" And suddenly all four men were falling through the air and staring back up at the yellow bus which winked back down at them and disappeared. Let it be known now that all children involved died on impact and no kids were harmed in the making of this chapter. They died on impact because they didn't thank the bus driver so there wasn't any pain. HorseMask closed his eyes as he thought of this and shook his head.
A familiar tune began to blare out across the map from no sensible location, "SEAT BELTS EVERYONE!" HorseMask crossed his arms and lent his voice to the song, glowing with a brilliant light before his squad finally alighted on the ground softly. Finger gunning, the squad began to make their way across the map and ran into a man of purple who raised his hand, a gold gauntlet on his arm.
Shaggy pushed his way to the front and cracked his knuckles and pulled a fist, his arm stretched forward. "Scoob said you'd be here."
Thanos frowned, "You! Things aren't balanced anymore because of you!"
Shaggy shook his head and laughed, "I'll kill you without even reaching my final form, Thanos." A brilliant blue light came forth and Shaggy winked out of existence momentarily, appearing behind the purple man. A loud crunch ehoed as his fist sunk into Thanos' back. Shaggy laughed again. "Nothing personal kid," he slammed Thanos into the ground like Hulk once did with Thor and proceeded to beat the ever loving shit out of him.
Twenty minutes later, a purple and red pile of goop was all that was left and Pinksuit held up a sign. 10 . The rest of the party also held up signs and Johnny finally spoke, "Mama mia, that's a spicy meatball." Shaggy nodded appreciatively and nodded towards HorseMask. The man in mask nodded back as the Ultra Instinct God disappeared.
Pinksuit opened a chest and his nonexistent eyes blinked as he realized what he was looking at. A short elderly man in a prim and proper white suit, HorseMask nodded appreciatively at the extremely good taste, was stuck in the chest and Pinksuit pulled him out, his twenty story tall hat wobbled as he took to his feet. "I'm Doug Dimmadome, owner of the Dimmsdale dimmadome." He pointed off into the distance at a massive dome.
They all nodded and Pinksuit picked the small man and swung his hat around, removing all but one player from the game. Pinksuit had killed 93 players in one fell swoop. They finally arrived at the dome and entered to see a kid dancing. he lifted the gold scar from his hip and laughed. "You guys are gunna be ezpz!" He said before HorseMask's foot connected his the guy's jaw and he vanished into the sky screaming something about blasting off. As the words, "#1 VICTORY ROYALE!" appeared, yelled by DrBorisG, so did the Chicken Pony.
The world faded out and HorseMask stared down the pan in his hand and then at the orange chicken filly who couldn't fly, "At least I have a chicken dinner now," he said, before chucking the pan at the wall. "I didn't even want chicken," he huffed as he left the room.
HORSEMASK!!! In Equestria
This Time On DiddlyBall Z Kai Triple XL
A large cartoonish pink house rose up on the horizon as a man with a nice ploosh moustache stared angrily at his neighbor looked back at him. "Ohhhhhhhhhhhh, Homer I can't believe you, may the lord forgive my pottymouth, went and did that. Oh, I'm so mad I could just," he trembled for a moment and exploded into golden light, a beam striking his neighbor as a woman with tall blue hair ran out.
"Mmmm, donut," the bald middleaged man said weakly as he dropped the box of donuts that just said "Ned" on them and fell to the ground, dead, as a beam of light vaporized a massive portion of the neighborhood
A short moment of transition music later and Ned was flying through space. A small chubby bat flew past him, "This episode's-ACK" it let out a yell as Ned grabbed it. "Oh diddly darn, could you tell me where Shaggy is?" The bat struggled to free himself before nodding as Ned relaxed his grip.
"The seventeenth dimension whee-ACKKKK" the grip tightened and the own of the hand's eyes darkened.
"Thank you kindly, but now you're no use to me neighberino." The man giggled, "Let god sort you out!"
The bat exploded like a ketchup packet as Ned flew off a boom of stuff in space following him as red splattered the screen and a cloth rubbed on it. "Meanwhile, at the Legion of Doom!"
HorseMask nodded at the purple unicorn as she raised her hoof. "Rock, paper, scissors, shoot!" She played rock and HorseMask played paper. Again. His lovely baritone chuckling echoed through the house as the small horse grumbled. "Why can't I win! I keep playing rock you should've pl-HEY WAIT A MINUTE!"
Spike walked in and wiggled his claws, "The advantage of having several digits!"
"Shut up baby barney! My hoof is an absolute unit!" she retorted and HorseMask nodded in agreement before spreading his fingers as the small purple unicorn gasped and stared at his fingers like one would gawk upon the god of their religion. Her eyes sparkled and she bounced up and down as he wiggled them.
HorseMask nodded sagely as the horse giggled and started vibrating like crazy causing several of the windows to shatter as the baby barney set down the tea cups in his claws and faced them. "There's some thing like you but wearing green in the kitchen."
"I told him he could take some food," HorseMask said as he greeted the people into the house. One of them saw the horse and gasped.
"Whoa mama," he said as the pink man sipped at his tea cup.
"He's eating everything!" the baby barney retorted, "He even ate the fridge!" The small reptile stomped its claws in anger and scraped the ground lightly causing the horse to suddenly turn to him and raise her knife. Her eyes twitched and HorseMask pushed her back with his arm.
"The cons of allowing someone so powerful, they have a metabolism we cannot imagine," he answered sagely and the other men nodded as a great dane bolted out of the house screaming like a person.
"RUH ROH RAGGY!" It yelled as HorseMask turned around and the library exploded, revealing two men facing each other. One of them had raggedy brown hair and wore a green shirt with khakis. In his hand was a ridiculously tall sandwich. He ate the entire thing in a single bite, causing the pink horse who saw him to gasp in awe.
"Like, Scoob heard you coming, Ned," the man answered after swallowing the massive sandwich. Twilight turned and faced him, tilting her head in confusion. She seemed to be annoyed and confused. Like, she was definitely confused at least though her eye twitched dangerously.
"They destroyed it!" she said and HorseMask nodded sagely.
"Perhaps offering a prayer to the good lord Rick will restore it, I can guide through it after this. it'll only be five minutes," the man in the suave suit said as he placed the last lawn chair and passed out the popcorn. The purple pony frowned and whispered to herself and the barney.
"But my knife collection T-T," and the reptile turned to her blinking in confusion.
"How did you say that with your mouth?" he asked in bewilderment.
She shrugged and HorseMask took a bite of his popcorn.
"Hey neighberino, it's been awhile. It's finally time to let god take care of you!" Ned Flanders rushed at Shaggy, who dodged. After thirty minutes, Shaggy had landed several hits while Ned hadn't landed a single one. Rather, he looked fairly beat up and Shaggy was in pristine condition. The two men panted.
"I thought you said five minutes!" Twilight yelled in anger and the scene before her froze. In HorseMask's hand was a black rectangle of some sort. The group of men watching the encounter all set down their popcorn and faced the horse in anger.
"Listen," the sexy man said, "Where we come from five minutes usually means ten episodes."
"Oh... How did you do that though?" she waved a hoof at the frozen men.
"Universal remote," he pressed play and the fight resumed for a moment before the nearby houses exploded into pieces and a small young boy with a yellow shirt with red mark on the front. His blue hair waved majestically as in the wind and his massive extremely swollen hands slammed into the ground. "I'm gonna wreck it, Edboy!"
HorseMask and his crew all let out extremely loud gasps and he pressed pause on the remote. "Did you see that!? I did NOT see that coming!" He yelled as a massive white tower appeared in the distance, "Has anyone seen Doug?"
"Who?" the purple horse responded.
"Doug Dimmadome, owner of the Dimmsdale Dimmadome," HorseMask answered.
"Doug Dimmadome, owner of the Dimmsdale Dimmadome?" Baby Barney asked.
"Doug Dimmadome, owner of the Dimmsdale Dimmadome," Pinksuit answered.
"Doug Dimmadome, owner of the Dimmsdale Dimmadome?" Rainbow Dorsh asked.
"Doug Dimmadome, owner of the Dimmsdale Dimmadome," HorseMask answered.
"Doug Dimmadome, owner of the Dimmsdale Dimmadome?" Purple Smart asked.
"Doug Dimmadome, owner of the Dimmsdale Dimmadome," Pinksuit answered.
"Doug Dimmadome, owner of the Dimmsdale Dimmadome?" Celestia asked.
"Doug Dimmadome, owner of the Dimmsdale Dimmadome," Johnny Bravo answered.
"Doug Dimmadome, owner of the Dimmsdale Dimmadome?" Buffy the Vampire Slayer asked.
"Doug Dimmadome, owner of the Dimmsdale Dimmadome," Gwyn Lord of Sunlight answered.
"Doug Dimmadome, owner of the Dimmsdale Dimmadome?" Spyro asked.
"Doug Dimmadome, owner of the Dimmsdale Dimmadome," John Cena answered.
"Doug Dimmadome, owner of the Dimmsdale Dimmadome?" Peter Griffin asked.
"Doug Dimmadome, owner of the Dimmsdale Dimmadome," Lightning answered.
"Doug Dimmadome, owner of the Dimmsdale Dimmadome?" Weiss Schnee asked.
"WAH!" Crash Bandicoot answered.
HorseMask nodded as Doug finally arrived, "I'm Doug Dimmadome, owner of the Dimmsdale Dimmadome. I heard you needed the dome?"
"That we did, Doug, that we did," HorseMask answered.
View Online
HORSEMASK!!! In Equestria
How Avengers 4: Endgame's Endgame Ended in the End
Moments later, all the fighters were sipping tea quite comfortably as the group of dimmaconstruction workers got to dimmaconstructing the biggest dimmabuilding they had ever dimmabuilt. The largest and most majestic Dimmadome ever created suddenly appeared as HorseMask passed his pipe over to Doug. The stout man took a puff and waltzed off, nodding to the group as they entered.
As Shaggy and Ned moved to fight and Rolf advanced, suddenly the world squeezed like what happens when you squish one of those weird tentacle covered balls and it doesn't pop before only Ned was left in the town. With a cry of rage, Ned started to get extremely angry before the scene shifted and now you'll never know what he did so you can suck Astolfo's dick or vice versa. The bean joined the group, bouncing on the ground as it started at baby barney.
Before the young dragon had any time to react, it pounced and his screams pierced the air. A single tear fell from the lavender unicorn's eye as everything around them began to change and the dragon disappeared. HorseMask nodded sagely and patted her back. "On this day, another soul was claimed by the plushie. May he rest in peace."
The others all bowed their heads for a moment, "Amen." The group was now standing in front of a big fat purple giant. It actually looked like someone had consumed entirely too much grape Nyquil, or Kool-Aid. However, HorseMask knew it wasn't Kool-Aid, for the man would have experienced the Sweet Release. Behind them were a group of people, one of which was holding a shield, one wore a metal suit, and so on so forth, you know who they are.
HorseMask let out a gasp, "Jake and the Neverland Pirates! I never thought I'd met you lot!" The group stared at the glorious being in complete and utter shock. Even the purple man nearby was completely and utterly silent, clearly from the majesty of the group before him. Pinksuit stared up at him for a few moments and soon the group of people and one horse who was now licking the woman with red hair, who seemed quite terrified, were running in a circle chanting.
"Why was the skeleton stupid? He was a numskull. Why was the skeleton so lonely? He had no body. Why are bones so calm? Nothing gets under their skin. "
The words coming from the beings slowed grew more and more elaborate before finally the one in the mask crouched to the ground in front of all of them and let out a cry. 'WE HAVE A BONE TO PICK." As soon as these words left the majestic man's mouth, an immense pressure settled down on everyone and glowing light spiraled from them to the center of their formed circle. Moments later, a white spot appeared in the ground before slowing rising up to reveal a skeleton in a jacket and shorts. When it finally fully emerged, it's eyes opened to reveal one glowing blue.
It took a step. "Doo-doo-do-do," the creature started dancing. More energy spiraled from those in the circle to him as the creatures dancing became more elegant. Finally, it pointed a finger gun at the purple man, spun around, and clapped to the beat that had somehow arisen as well. "PWAT!" The music stopped as the ground trembled, only to stop. The purple man frowned.
"What was that supposed to-" he suddenly screamed as he began to fall apart, only for the golden glove on his hand to drop to the floor. Shortly after, the circle finally stopped and faced the entity they had summoned. Even the great one, an ultra instinct god, shivered before this monster. As they all raised their hammers and charged, the entity stared.
One of them, the one with blue hair, had put on a hat. "hehehe, what is that?" The entity laughed, only for all the hammers to begin smashing into it. As it's bones began cracking, the one wearing the large hammer shaped hat shook his head.
"The Hat of Discipline! Do you live in a cave!?" The hat collided with the skeleton, who ceased to be. The only other people nearby were completely silent as the group began walking off.
"Ya'll know where the nearest 7/11 is? We need some jelly beans," HorseMask asked.
"DO NOT FORGET THE JUJUBES OR THE JAWBREAKERS, ROLF WAS INTEGRAL TO THIS," the boy raised his very large, massively swollen hands as he said this.
"What Wreck It said," HorseMask said.
As the group, now with grocery bags in hand along with a frightening amount of jujubes and jawbreakers stuffed into Rolf's pockets reappeared, everyone else was calmly relaxing in the audience seating. In particular, there was a red ultra instinct god and a weird, though less weird than the one with them, horse. As they appeared it wandered up to them.
"Is it alright if all I do is groan in agony?" it asked HorseMask. The creature glowed with yellow light and was quite majestic, it even had a little flower in it's hair. The purple eyes gazed directly into one's soul, speaking of doing terrible things to penguins with a croquet mallet.
He nodded, "Certainly Twinkle. Have you had the dream again?"
"Dark forms come to me and speak of horrible atrocities," Twinkle the Marvel Horse answered. HorseMask bowed his head and gently patted the horse.
"It's okay buddy, we'll get you out more," HorseMask turned to face the crowd. In the center of the crowd was a man with short brown hair who was calmly munching on a disc, yelling out to the nearby horses.
"buymygame.jpg
"Have you seen apple horse, we ran out of cider," she asked the group, her orange body and yeehaw hat bouncing slightly as she approached.
"That's nonalcoholic cider," HorseMask said very disapprovingly.
"Well yeah but this PG13 for the most part and parents probably don't want kids exposed to it," the yeehaw horse answered before she shook her head. HorseMask scoffed.
Seconds later, a rather large hammer with a beautiful face crashed down, "IN SOVIET RUSSIA, ALCOHOL DRINKS KIDS! SO SAYS BORRIS THE LOVE HAMMER."
HorseMask nodded, "Amen."
HORSEMASK!!! In Equestria
On a small house, slightly too small for an average human, sat a wooden door with an ornate yellow and black symbol on it. The door slowly opens as you push against it, revealing a dark room with only a single pale light. You approach the light slowly and open your mouth to speak. You never get the words out because you suck.
“What are you doing here? You want a pizza? We’re out. There’s a quarantine,” A deep and soothing baritone voice answers. “Go home, I’m trying to play animal crossing.” The mask flops at you aggressively, causing you to let out a droplet of pee in pure fear.
The masked figure sighs, your pants are now wet for two reasons. You’re really sweaty today for some reason, odd. “Go. I’m playing with my friends.”
You turn to leave, “Hello Tom Nook, I’ve got your money right here.”
add your own flashback noises, I’m lazy. So what?
It was a normal, average day, until Dio Brando blew through the town like maniac, twerking violently until he met Zarbon and then the Twerkpocolypse happened, just as an average Tuesday goes here in the Horsetown of Horse Country.
Horsemask suddenly froze and stared down at his drink. “I sense a disturbance in the soda… These are dark and dangerous times.” He stood up at the podium, straightening his time, “We here at the Pizzeria will… deal with the Dark Lord Pepsiman here shortly. We still have a flashback to get to.”
The sky thundered violently, and HorseMask gasped in shock. “These horses need the word of god. BOIZ, we’re dropping in Canterlot! Time for a Crusade, we’re taking back the Holy Land!” HorseMask grabbed the purple one with his hands, and held her up like an Ak-47. He motioned to the rest of the group, Frieza quickly shrunk down into his horse form.
“What happened?” Rarity asked, confused.
“I don’t know momma,” Johnny Bravo answered with a violent flex, “But we’ll figure it out, F-Rarity.”
Pinksuit danced out of the store with a happy skip to his step as Ultra Instinct Shaggy waved them on, wolfing down his stack of ten pizzas with rapid speed as his great dane companion attacked his own stack. Super Saiyan Ned Flanders glared at them from behind the pizza counter, his now blood-stained work uniform crinkling with each step as he carried a box of pizza to another customer.
Wreck it Rolph grabbed his noble steed, a stuffed and glorious alpacca named Steven, and rod off out the door at high speed. As the group left the store, a pair of eyes blinked ominously in the corner. A low-pitched squeaking giggling echoed through out the pizzeria as Jason stared back at it. The hockey-masked man shrugged and set down a bucket of hot wings.
A single frame shook on the wall at the violent movements, the light revealing the words “Technically perfect. -Review of HorseMask.” The diploma type paper hung on dearly and the ground stopped shaking shortly thereafter. Meanwhile, in Canterlot the ground rumbled again, and soon a group of people and creatures of various types blew through the door and the purple horse in HorseMask’s arms blinked in complete and utter confusion. Atop the throne at the center of the room sat a rather large buff Russian man in a track suit and jersey.
“Where’s Celestia?” the purple one asked in confusion.
“Ahhh, yes, I vill… go find her, yes?” the deep voice with a rather thick accent answered hesitantly before pulling out a white cloth from their track suit pants and slipping it on over their head. Their shoes length and soon white covered their legs weakly.
“Yes, purple one?” A soft and dainty voice came from beneath the sun horse mask. The purple horse brightened.
“You’re here, but where did that man go?”
“That’s unimportant,” the voice answered, “What is it?”
“I found this, I thought you’d like to know!”
In the horse’s hooves was rather large bottle of vodka, glinting in the light. The sunhorse nodded calmly and took it from her hooves. “I will dispose of this properly,” Celestia said.
The white horse faced man lifted up the bottle and poured the content of the jug into its mouth with high speed. Not a single drop was spilled, as is the way of the proper Russian man. It wiped its mouth with a buff and hairy arm before freezing. “She’s here,” it said as the hair on its arms stood up right.
The wall of the throne room exploded and revealed an almost exact copy of the sun horse, except for two minor details. The white horse had a rather stylish and shiny goatee on its chin, and lacked the true Russian heritage of a proper sun horse. The two glared at each other.
HorseMask jumped up, dropping the purple horse on her face. “FIGHT SCENE! THIS NEEDS RPOPER PREPARATION AS BY WORD OF LAW!” He removed his remote and pressed pause, causing the others to stop moving completely. Not a single cell moved as HorseMask and Pinksuit raced out of the room, returning with lawn chairs and cases of Bud light as true americans would.
“Okay, wait where did purple one go?” Horse Mask asked in confusion.
“THERE’S AN EMERGENCY!” she raced in from the doorway.
“Huh. Every time we get to this, there’s something else. The author is writing a story but it seems like every time we get to a fight scene, this happens, it’s almost like they don’t want to write a fight scene. This would be great for a story! But maybe this is more important, maybe there’s an adventure! What happened?” HorseMask pondered out loud.
“I dropped my toothbrush,” purple one held up a dripping toothbrush, “In the toilet!”
“That IS important,” HorseMask’s plastic eyes twinkled as he grabbed her and held up his own toothbrush, “Dental hygiene is a very important aspect of your daily life. Remember kids three brushes a day, keeps the monster dentists away!” In the utter silence as his glorious message graced their ears, a single hiss rang throughout the room.
With a flick of his wrist, HorseMask sent his toothbrush flying into a dark corner. A loud squeal of pain came forth as a large malformed man fell from the darkness, large extended hands thumping on the ground. It’s large forehead trembled on impact with the ground and the name tag on its labcoat simply said…
Quentin.
“What is that?” Purple one asked.
“A Dentist,” HorseMask answered calmly, eyeing the creature.
“Aren’t dentists good?”
“What kind of person likes a job which causes others pain? Weirdoes. Those are dentists, this is a Dentist. Dentists are monsters that hide in the dark, waiting for an accident with your toothbrush. They scrape your teeth with razor blades, and suck your teeth with their tentacles. Horrible monstrosities.”
“Oh… what are the claws for?”
“Rending flesh and scratching chalkboards. They’re malicious like that,” HorseMask answered. The rest of the group nodded, and slowly turned back to the fight. Their vibrant white shirts were painfully obvious in the light of two sun horses preparing to fight.
Four simple black words adorned the shirts.
Wash Your Fucking Hooves.
HORSEMASK!!! In Equestria
What happened to Anon from Chapter 1?
He died. Screamed like a little girl too.
