LessonView OnlineMy Little Pony: Starlight Glimmer Is Interesting As Fuck Here Is Every Interesting Thing This Mare Says And Does And Thinks And Oh God Why Can't There Just Be More Right NowLesson Damn it, Spike. I specifically put those cards in the trash for a very. Specific. Reason. Why would you go and make me take them out? Why are you making me do any of this at all? This is exactly why no one from the dragon lands wants to move over here and be your friend. Because you keep. Sticking. Your claws. In other people's stuff! And it makes you have no friends— ...okay maybe I'm not being entirely fair. Besides, it's not like I have a whole lot of close friends either. Just... kind of the one, right now, maybe. The one who... well, I kept her from killing herself. Does that count? Please let that count it gets lonely sometimes when I think about it for too long I... look, it's just... friendship lessons? I, mean, yeah, I get it. I've been here long enough to know that Twilight literally gets off on lecturing. Ponies actually warned me about it while I was moving my things into the castle, but they actually didn't need to, because here's a fun exercise: listen to her breathing when she's in her lecturing stance. You know, the one where she's looking up with her eyes closed and a big smile, and sometimes a long stick in her hoof that she may or may not swing around like a riding crop when it fits her mood. But yeah, just listen, and you'll notice: the more she talks, the deeper her breaths get. And her voice gets a bit higher as she goes on, and... and then every other word starts getting what even I have to admit are the cutest little moans attached to the end or beginning syllable and ...oooooohhhhhhh wow actually that all is pretty hot especially once her mouth gets dry from talking so much and she has to lick her muzzle crap i think i just realized why I've been putting up with her schtick for this long i i'll be right back Okay. Off track, I went completely off track there, sorry. Back on track, Starlight. Focus. You can do this. Look, I went along with Twilight's "friendship lessons" idea because, one, as I may or may not have just realized, I like Twilight. Like, a lot. And two, I didn't exactly want to give any more signs that I might be Tartatus material. But how exactly do you teach friendship? I mean, friendship is just supposed to be a thing that happens, right? Like, all organic and stuff? And with people you like! And who like you! And Twilight's other pals... I don't hate them. They're actually really nice. But we have nothing in common. One's into dresses. Another's into flight, another's into fruit, another's into junk food, and the last one runs a zoo without worrying about silly things like permits or structure or safety regulations. I have no interest in any of those things, nor have I ever, meaning I'm bad at all of them. I'd just drag them down. Assigning me to do all the stuff they like isn't going to make us better friends. It's just going to make things worse! Because the second they see that I'm not a baker, or a fashionista, or that I like to move at my own pace instead of at super speed? The second they see that I'm a one-trick-pony... well, okay, lots of tricks but they all involve one kind of thing...! ...well, then they'll definitely hate me. This is dumb. I don't want to do it. I just want to sit in my room and read about famous magicians some more. But Twilight and Spike won't let me not do it. I... ugh. I'll just have to chin up and get it over with. Worst case scenario? Nopony said magic wasn't allowed in these lessons...
EmotionView OnlineMy Little Pony: Starlight Glimmer Is Interesting As Fuck Here Is Every Interesting Thing This Mare Says And Does And Thinks And Oh God Why Can't There Just Be More Right NowEmotion I put anger in a bottle today. Well, okay. It was actually the magical manifestation of anger brought about by my overactive powers inadvertently mixing with my unstable emotional state and... well... it was fascinating until it was horrifically morbid. Just like most of my days. But that's not the point. The point is, I bottled anger. Like, real, literal, anger. And now that I know I can... I think I want to try selling it. I know! Isn't that the best idea? I actually got it from Rarity, of all ponies, which is odd only because I just don't do the whole fashion thing. But she always says that any breakthrough, no matter how unexpected, can lead to great things. Profitable things. This is a philosophy I enjoy. Hear me out. Let's just say: if you don't feel like having the emotion you're currently experiencing at the moment, just drink a bottle. Or take a sniff. Or whatever. Suddenly, poof! No more stupid "waiting" for what you're feeling to "pass!" Heartbreak! Despair! Indignance! All total things of the past in an instant! Be able to deal with the world no matter what idiocy it flings at you! Oh my gosh, ponies will pay out the nose for this! Canterlot most of all, I'm betting. I'm so giddy right now. Like, Trixie giddy. Normally that would worry me, but who cares, I'm about to become filthy rich. The status, not the pony. And to get started, all I have to do is recreate the circumstances that got me here! Meaning that I just have to get my friends to make me experience a whole bunch of emotions and... then just not tell them how I feel. Ever. Bottle. Everything. Okay, what have I got to start with? Let's see... Trixie's got me covered on anger ~~and probably lust~~, Applejack could have me covered on... lucid boredom! Yeah. I get tons of that around her. Fluttershy gives me narcolepsy—seriously it's not even a bad thing but her voice could put insomniacs out like a light. Meanwhile, Rarity has the market cornered on confusion due to her metropolitan vocabulary and cluttered boutique... ...aaaaaaaaaand Rainbow is my one-stop shop for crushing irrepressible guilt. Finally, Twilight totally gives me an inferiority complex, with an extra side order of the whole guilt thing and— ... ...you know, I think I just found the fatal flaw. At this point, I'm not going to have much of a selection. Ponies are going to want to shell out for instant happiness, yet I can't even find that amongst Equestria's greatest heroes! Argh! Damn it, Rarity. Seriously, why are your ideas never any good? I mean, no one tells you this to your face, but you know you're seriously working on a handicap because ponies consider hotel curtains to be good fashion, right? Right? Sigh. Screw it. I'm going to bed.
BathView OnlineMy Little Pony: Starlight Glimmer Is Interesting As Fuck Here Is Every Interesting Thing This Mare Says And Does And Thinks And Oh God Why Can't There Just Be More Right NowBath I saved the world a month ago. ...is it weird that even after doing so, and getting all this praise and awards, I just want to take a bath? I still feel like I have changeling hive grime all over me. Also, is it double weird that I didn't feel like I needed a bath right after almost destroying the world? I mean, I get that that was a Bad Thing To Do, but I'd also never felt so cleansed as when I removed a little filly's reason to live. You know, just like that one time that was done to me. Sound morbid? Getting a little worried? Good—now you know what I live with every single day. I tried talking to Maud about this, and she went into this long monotone thing about expressing your inner self leading to eternal happiness. Then I talked to Trixie, and she was all of course you felt great that's what happens when you have the entire world captive to your whims and then in the middle of her ranting we found out that there was a tiny piece of Alicorn Amulet embedded in her flank. It must've been there for months. So yeah, that was suddenly a very interesting night. Don't worry, though: we definitely got it out. Anyway, I came to the conclusion that consultation was a bad idea. I love my friends, but upon further evaluation it occurs to me that neither of them owns a hot water heater. Even I made sure that that was the first thing we got installed back in my old town! (Also, the last. Hey, we had a limited budget. It's why the Staff of Sameness was made out of dead trees. I made my choice, and I stick by it.) (Get it?) (Stick?) (Oh gosh I am so using that on Trixie later) You know what? I just remembered Rarity's spa has a jacuzzi. With, like, quintuple-force mana-powered water jets. We're doing this.
AppleView OnlineMy Little Pony: Starlight Glimmer Is Interesting As Fuck Here Is Every Interesting Thing This Mare Says And Does And Thinks And Oh God Why Can't There Just Be More Right NowAppleI got a letter from Sugar Belle today. It's always weird getting letters from my old town. I mean, besides the old baggage of me being this creepy cult leader and whatnot. It's just that letters from there aren't like your usual correspondence. This would likely be because my town had no schools, or learning initiatives. Meaning that, to start, the penmanship is always atrocious. Also, no knowledge of letter-writing structure. In other words, most letters I get from the old haunt are rambly squiggles. Party Favor's are the cringiest. It's also really hard to do small talk in these things. I mean, there were thirteen buildings (talk about your lucky numbers), and they haven't expanded the town since I left, even though I'm not there to stop them. Which means that everypony knows everything about everypony, and everything isn't much. It's also impossible to talk about the weather because it never changes. There was no winter to wrap up, or even bring about in the first place, and what few pegasi we had weren't exactly thundercloud-wranglers. ...ugh. The more I think about it, the more I realize I really hadn't thought a lot of that place through. I mean, I just kind of winged the whole thing. Went in with nothing but an anti cutie-mark rhetoric, a hot water heater, and an oppressive stereo speaker system. I dedicated an entire house to those speakers. Ponies could have lived there. If I ever make my own rebel town again—which I absolutely never will—I'm hiring contractors. Anyway, all this ranting and I realize I still haven't opened Sugar Belle's letter. Let's see here... ooooh, she got a new cooking shelf. That's nice, she mentioned she was in the market for one. Trixie originally suggested I send her the Cutie Map, but... yeah, no. Weather's same as ever, Night Glider's trying to learn daytime flight with hilarious resul— ... ...I... ... ...oh, fucking loopholes
InconvenienceView OnlineMy Little Pony: Starlight Glimmer Is Interesting As Fuck Here Is Every Interesting Thing This Mare Says And Does And Thinks And Oh God Why Can't There Just Be More Right NowInconvenience OH MY GOD THIS FUCKING BABY THIS FUCKINGCHILD THIS FUCKING STUPID BABY CHILD ARRRRRRRRRRRRRGH— ...focus, Starlight. Focus. Calmness. Serenity. Whoo-shah. ... ohmygodfuckingstupidchild So I was out with Maud today—or should I say, "in." We never actually went outside to see the sun. Instead, we explored more of the rock caves around where near she lives. We walked around and around and anypony else would totally have gotten crushed by a certain accidental cave-in were they not a magical savant and a mare with an indestructible skull and hooves. But Maud and I are those things, so ha! Fuck you, nature. eeeeeeeeee I'm actually pretty great Anyway, after walking around miles of caves and listening to Maud talk about how every single priceless jewel in them was beneath her notice (in the end she went ga-ga over a specific type of flint that years of pressure had forged in the shape of a heart—I suppose I can't complain too much), we went back to her place, ~~screwed ourselves silly while surrounded by rubies and sapphires and seriously~~ you wish you had our lives but you don't and that makes me so happy relaxed for a while, and then I went back to the castle. Totally beat from all of today's exercise, I clamber upstairs, open my door... ...and step into my bedroom lagoon. With my bed as a boat, floating in the middle of it all. Everything has water damage: my books, my pictures, my magic supplies—including the inextinguishable torches! I can't light the damn things anymore! I didn't know they could go out! But it was the candles that tipped me off to who was behind it all. See, it takes really powerful magic to be able to mess with those things. Discord and I have a professional relationship (he doesn't touch my stuff, I don't tell Fluttershy about the pictures, neither of us fights to the death), meaning there was only one supervillain left at large in Equestria with the power to do this. That damn baby. Yeah, so I found out that Twilight had volunteered to watch Flurry Heart again and forgot to tell me. Which meant I wasn't able to cast the childproofing spell on my door (again, specifically made for alicorns—don't ask), which meant that while Flurry was going on one of her trademark tears through the castle, she made it into my room, decided she wanted to play pirate, and, well... here we are. So of course I read Twilight the riot act. I mean, who would convict me ~~these days~~, right? And you know what Twilight does? She turns to me, smiles, giggles, and says that while it was "regrettable," that hey, we're also now even for the time I made Rainbow Dash flood the entire castle with storm clouds. HOLY SHIT, PRINCESS OF FRIENDSHIP I mean, she's not even wrong, I did do that, and it was kind of incredible, but... but... geez, a three-month-long stealth grudge? I apologized for that crap already! ...is it wrong that I... really respect that? Well-played, Sparkle. Well-played. I can't quit you why Still, as Celestia is my witness, I am never, ever having children. If this is what they lead to, Cadance can have the little bundle of stupid. Bet she always thinks twice before letting some army brat's cock inside her these days. Or maybe not, she is government. Ugh. Anyway, this is where I wait for my room to be dried by hoof. Generalized cleansing spells won't hack it for fine-detail jobs like these. Also, I made sure to move the the water-sensitive magic supplies to another room. No sense in the candles re-lightning the second they're dry and causing even more casualties. Look at me, caring about ponies whose names I don't even know. How far I've fallen, heh heh. In the meantime, during the cleaning process, I'm writing this from Trixie's. This is an adventure in itself because Trixie is lying next to me and petting my mane whenever she thinks I'm too into my writing. She keeps telling me to "stop and come to bed," not realizing that writing this stuff is how I unwind and— —no, Trixie, there's "unwinding" and then there's messy and exhausting recreation you may not know the difference but I— ...oh, fine. Seriously, at this point, what have I got to lose? You already got my damned virginity a little over a month ago yes there was doubt, Trixie, lots and lots of of doubt FINE I'll pick this up later if it'll stop your horny pouting come here
PinkView OnlineMy Little Pony: Starlight Glimmer Is Interesting As Fuck Here Is Every Interesting Thing This Mare Says And Does And Thinks And Oh God Why Can't There Just Be More Right NowPink I think back to the day I mind-controlled Twilight's friends a lot. Like, this probably won't be the last entry on this, by a long shot. It was kind of a big day for me in a lot of ways, and I'm still exploring that. Twilight says that it's healthy that I do. That I confront these things. That I make peace with them, and myself. And... well, sure, I agree. Still, I don't try to think about it too much, for several reasons which I hope are obvious. But today... well, today I just spent about six hours helping Pinkie Pie bake pastries for a birthday at the Ponyville schoolhouse. You know. Cakes and pies and muffins. It took a long time, but we did it. We took them over to the schoolhouse, some girl named Diamond Tiara very reluctantly shared them with everypony (yeah, I've been there, sister) and everyone was happy. Mission accomplished. Now the day's over. I'm completely exhausted—and half-deaf because again, obvious reasons. So here I am, lying in my bed, writing in you, and... I thought back to the time I mind-controlled Pinkie. And I can't help but think: That day was was the only time Pinkie Pie has ever been fun for me to be around. I... ...I would never tell her that to her face, and this actually doesn't apply to the others. I mean, the others are a runaround for me, too, but I can ascertain what their deals are. I can prepare for them, compartmentalize them in my mind. Shift myself subtly towards what they like and be their friend without any unpredictable complications awesome darling apples bunnies books. But Pinkie. Even talking to her got me nowhere today. I was almost afraid of her. Our wavelengths just don't sync. There's only one day where they ever did. There's just something wonderful about a Pinkie Pie that you can... predict. And stop. And... and start back up when you want to. Even if when you want to is never. Sure, it was a little weird at first, but it was also... bliss. I'm smiling right now thinking back on it. She just... there was nothing going on like there was today. There was no bouncing. There was no fourth-wall bouncing (seriously, she pinballed across every single wall in the kitchen, in ball form—and given that kitchen's deluxe size it was kind of incredible to watch). There were no high-pitched yells. There were no constant encouragements for me to chin up, to smile. There was just me, and a Pinkie, and I could be in the same room with her and actually hear myself think. And smile on my own time. She just stayed there. Waiting. Asking what I wanted her to do. It was... ...I could be me. Oh gosh I actually miss it. I'd do it again. I want to do it again. Just to experiment. Would we actually be better friends if I just... got rid of everything that makes Pinkie Pinkie? Because that's where this seems to be going, and— and I've heard a rant like this before, from myself no, no, nononononononononononono I'm slipping this is slipping I can't tell Maud this. I tell Maud so much but I have to keep this in, that's her sister for crying out loud why am I so horrible I'll never get this friendship shit right This needs a book Why doesn't friendship have a book Or failing that why can't everypony in this town stop being crazy I miss the old town I miss the predictability I miss when everyone slowed down for me and I called the shots and I didn't have to account for everypony's so-called idiotic opinions and I can't do this anymore Twilight's wrong I'm a total lost cause Hi. I'm back. Sorry about all the tear stains back then. ...and sorry about the ones now. I talked to Twilight. Well, more like I bawled out everything to Twilight. She heard me crying. It's a good thing I stashed you away in your pocket dimension before I completely lost myself in self-pity. I often forget just how much she and I have in common. And just how much I can tell her in the strictest confidence. And she didn't recoil, or call me a monster. She's messed with mind control before too, and it's had the same allure for her. ...and then she decided that I should see Maud. After promptly shooting down my alternate plan of throwing myself off of the castle balcony, I did so, but I made sure Twilight would come with me. No way was I going to face her with my story alone. The first words out of Maud's muzzle were her reminding me that she actually almost didn't move to Ponyville because Pinkie was so... so Pinkie. Which I had admittedly forgotten. The second was reminding me that she gets me. She lives in a cave and only comes out when she wants to. I'm her only frequent visitor. And usually it's just quiet talk ~~about our feelings~~ and quiet sex. It has to be quiet because rock caves have acoustics like nothing else but between you and me having to be so stealth about it gives me a total rush— ...I love my friends so much. Even if they sic their pet rocks on me for talking smack about their sisters. Geez, for such an ironically-named pebble, Boulder sure stings. That pain's nothing compared to my heart's though. I mean, Maud said a lot of words. None of them were judging me on my horrible selfish feelings. She said I wasn't wrong to feel like how I did. But she loves her sister anyway, because Pinkie's her sister. And that's fair. And when it comes down to it, I also... ...don't... think... Pinkie needs to be shot into the sun? ARGH I feel awful about all those words I wrote up there sort of I guess but they're also still how I feel and I can't change that any more than I can (without magic) change Pinkie. If the princess of friendship and a freaking doctor of geology can believe in me so much... maybe I'm not a lost cause. Sure. But I still don't know why I'm a friendship student. Wait. No. Graduate, now. That makes it even worse. Aren't friends supposed to be... you know... nice ponies?
The Return [EQG: Mirror Magic Spoilers]View OnlineMy Little Pony: Starlight Glimmer Is Interesting As Fuck Here Is Every Interesting Thing This Mare Says And Does And Thinks And Oh God Why Can't There Just Be More Right NowThe Return [EQG: Mirror Magic Spoilers]Hey, there! Did you miss me? Wonderful! t h a t m e a n s i t ' s w o r k i n g Well! That sure was a week. Went to another dimension, gained like eight extra mini-hooves (and that was just above the waist!), ate ice cream, fought an evil diva powered by Equestrian magic yeah that one came right outta nowhere Except she wasn't evil at all. Her name's Juniper. Managed to win her over at the last possible second with the magic of friendship. ...that is ironic, right? Given why I'm even here and able to write in you, I mean? I think that's ironic. I'm gonna go with ironic. Ugh, do you ever get tired of those know-it-all ponies who just push up their glasses and are compelled to tell you just what ironic really means? 'Cause no seriously I totally magi-gagged Moondancer once when she tried that on me. It was actually pretty great, cause, see, like, it was just a big energy ball, in her mouth, and I'd just thought of it on the spot cause sometimes she just drones on and on and on about books this and libraries that and Twilight's party the other thing oh my gosh I was so proud of myself when I figured out how to save my ears And she couldn't do anything but muffle and it was fun and hilarious aaaaaaaaaaaand you know upon further reflection 50/50 odds on my giving the spell recipe to Minuette when she asked for it being anywhere near a good idea? Ahh, they're grown, responsible mares. I'm sure it'll be fine. And, hey, Moonie and I are still great fri—good. Good friends. I keep forgetting about the Ramen Incident Just in case though, I'm going to place an auto-spell on this book right now, in the very specific case that it ever gets stolen, someone reads it, and decides they wanna correct me on the whole "ironic" thing. Let's seem them correct me without teeth ....aaaaaaaand done! Back to talking. Anyway, yeah! Go, me! Go, friendship being magic! I think I might actually be getting the hang of this. Which is good considering the last time I tried the whole friendship-offering thing, Queen Chrysalis swore to get revenge on the entire world. But me and Juniper? We ate ice cream together (look, let those who don't like ice cream cast the first stone, okay) just the next day. And we... talked. Yeah. Talked is a pretty good word for it. I think talking in that world might be even more fun than it is in Equestria you can reach so many places with eight extra mini-hooves just saying~ <33333 seriously I never knew what I was missing until I got it But yeah, now that I'm back, I'm actually missing all of it. Just exploring that world was fun even when I wasn't having the time of my life talking with all of the human versions of Twilight's best friends and Twilight herself. That said, I'm not sure what's greater: my relief that (my) Twilight didn't read me the riot act for sneaking off through the mirror in the first place... Or my shock that apparently nopony wants to do anything about this freaking leak. I mean, seriously what the shit. I ran some tests in my lab when I came back to Equestria, and trust me—everyone in Equestria who knows about the mirror knows that magic is leaking from here to there while totally screwing over innocent... people? That's what they're called, right? Granted, that amounts to like eight ponies and a kid dragon, but they're, like, the most politically powerful and able to actually do something about it and did you know a tear opened up in the sky between both worlds while Twilight and I were off fighting in Rainbow's past? 'Cause I sure was the last one to know this! And when I talked to Twilight about it, do you know what she said? SHE TOLD ME IT WAS ME. THEY SAID IT WAS ("a slight but unignorable chance of") MY STUPID TIME-TRAVEL SPELL WEAKENING ALL OF TIME AND SPACE AND THUS COMPROMISING DIMENSIONAL INTEGRITY. NO. BULLSHIT. IRON WILL EXCREMENT. oh hell why did i go there Twilight, I love you, but screw you I am not taking the rap for this one one bit I already fixed the government for you last Daybreaker-damned week it's your turn to do something— Sigh. You... know what the messed-up part about it is, though? I talked to Sunset about it before I left to come back here. She knows what's going on just as much as anyone, but... she doesn't want it to stop. She says it gives her purpose. She screwed up big time in Equestria, and now this is her way to... to matter. And not hate herself. I... might know a little something about that. Just saying. I think I should go ask Twilight about being able to talk to her more. Talk talk, not... y'know. Okay, maybe that too. And Juniper, too. They could really use some friends who... well, who get it. I know I could always use more. Wow, Twilight was right. This does help sometimes. I suppooooooooose I can let her keep breathing my air for a little while longer yet. ...that sounded like Trixie, didn't it? Be honest. Ugh, I don't want her rubbing off on me, she begs for that enough as it is.
PancakesView OnlineMy Little Pony: Starlight Glimmer Is Interesting As Fuck Here Is Every Interesting Thing This Mare Says And Does And Thinks And Oh God Why Can't There Just Be More Right NowPancakes I ate pancakes today. At least, I think I did. "Pancakes", for me, is actually a heavily loaded term. See also: all food. You see, there's a lot of food I remember eating when I was a filly. Cakes, pies, hayburgers, tons of stuff. I was living the life! Then my best friend moved away, and I decided all food was evil. Or was it cutie marks? One of the two. Whatever. Anyway, while I was wandering around Equestria trying to figure out how to make it so people would never have to live under the oppressive hoof of pancakes ever again, I met a mare named Sugar Belle. She told me she wanted to marry an apple one day. Which sounded like perfectly sane talk to me, but on a hunch, when we founded Our Town together, I made sure it was nowhere near where anything could ever grow. ...the side effect, of course, was my forgetting what all food tasted like due to living on a diet of of dirt and tree bark for about a decade. But Sugar Belle will be all the better for our sacrifice. I'm sure of it. Where was I? Oh, right. The pancakes were served with fruits, and something called "syrup", which I've also never had until recently. It was all tasty. And, oh! Here's another interesting fact about pancakes—according to... certain pictures I've seen of Twilight, you can also wear them as head decorations. ...you know, looking at these pictures again now, I actually have no idea how Trixie got a hold of them. Nor will I ever entertain her constant requests for me to wear a couple of the crazy things on my head and surprise her in her wagon at night. With a belly dance. ...and with my coat dyed lavender. My friends are weird. Oh well. I guess the point of all this is: not a single apple was on my pancakes. So in the end, I still win.
