Chapters The Great Redneck War of Equestria
Luna was bored. She sprawled on her bed, and the most interesting thing going on was the drool dripping from the side of her mouth.
Luna lit her horn and brought a tissue to her face and cleaned up the dribble.
With a groan, she sat up and looked around. Her messy room had several ornate necklaces strewn about, and she had unearthed her old toys. They didn't please Luna anymore, though.
But she remembered what she eavesdropped on while on the moon: Imaaaginaaaaaation.
With her magic, she brought a quill and a piece of parchment to her face and began to write. Then she stopped, bringing the quill to her face. Then a look of brilliance hit her face and she furiously scratched the quill on the paper.
The Great Redneck War of Equestria
"Tia! Get you fat flank out here and help me get unbored!" Luna yelled while banging on Celestia's door.
"What is it, Luna. I have a lot of work to do." Celestia tiredly poked her head outside her door.
"Wow. You look like you need a break," Luna said, concerned.
"I've been needing a break for over a thousand years." Celestia said sadly.
"Sorry. Not my fault. But I have a perfect break for you." Luna shoved the parchment with her game instructions on it in Celestia's face.
"Luna I really don't have- hey, you can use BB guns?"
Luna nodded. "We need to be outside to play it, though. And throughout the whole thing, until you're out, you need to talk like Applejack. Except more... redneck."
"Is this fahne? 'Cause Ah don't wanna screw yer game up like Ah messed up Day Court yesterday," Celestia said in a ridiculous accent.
"Shewt, gurl. Yer not s'posed ta dew that! Ah gotta get me some Mountain Mist. 'Questria!" Luna imitated.
They both burst out laughing, piquing the interest of a guard down the hall.
"Le's go an' feed th' peegs. Rodeo words!" Luna and Celestia strolled down the hallway, dropping the instruction paper.
The guard checked to make sure he wasn't being watched, and casually walked forward toward the paper.
He was a unicorn, so he slowly levitated the instructions to his face and began to read.
"Rule One: Talk like a redneck. Rule Two: You can shoot anypony playing with a non-lethal weapon such as paintball, BB, etc. Rule Three: Alliances are allowed. Rule Four:..." he read aloud. "Rule Thirty-four- oh my, that certainly isn't appropriate. That doesn't have anything to do with the game!" Face red, he rolled the parchment up and stuffed it in his saddlebag.
Pfft.
A shriek pierced the air as the BB hit it's target.
Celestia smiled maliciously and slung the BB gun over her shoulder.
"Argh!" Celestia instinctively flared her wings.
A midnight blue splotch marred her Cutie Mark. A moment later, and there were two more splotches on her inner wings.
Celestia tucked her wings closer to her body and held the BB gun in front of her, engulfed in golden magic.
"Die, spawn of Discord!" Celestia yelled and fired the gun in random directions.
"Likewise, bitch!" Luna soared into view, firing small twin paintball guns.
Suddenly, a platoon of Royal Guards appeared in the entrance to the Royal Garden.
"Oh no!" moaned Celestia. "Ah'll never redeem myself!"
"Fire!" a guard drawled in a Southern accent.
"No..." the sisters looked at each other.
The guards raised bows and faux arrows with rubber tips. They let the arrows fly, raining down on Luna and Celestia.
Celestia stepped closer to Luna and raised her gun.
Luna prepared her paint pistols.
They guards separated and scattered into the trees.
"Damn!" Luna spat.
"Wait. Alliance?" Celestia held out a hoof.
"Alliance." Luna bumped her hoof against Celestia's.
"Now lets go slaughter those mothafuckas." Celestia put on some dark sunglasses that seemed to appear out of nowhere.
"Damn straight." Luna put on shades just like Celestia's, also from nowhere.
Celestia fired BBs into the trees around them.
"Ouch!" a guard yelped.
Luna fired her paintball guns into the general direction they heard the guard.
A white shape, splattered with navy blue spot galloped away, firing arrows behind him. Luna took to the air, flying about the trees, using her magic to pull the triggers. She saw where the guards regrouped and did a flyover, firing paintballs into their midst. Shouts and many pointing hooves gave her position away. Taser lasers were shot all around her. Luna avoided them with ease until one finally hit her in the chest.
"TIA!" Luna screeched as she hit the trees.
Celestia twitched her ear. The pew pew pews of the taser lasers echoed throughout the garden, and something that sounded oddly like "Teya" pierced her.
"Teya, Teaya," her eyes widened. "Tia!"
Celestia crashed into the undergrowth. "Loony!"
Luna was alone in the wild, armed only with two half-empty paintball guns. Something crunched, alerting the Night Princess.
She shot her guns into the direction and she heard a feminine "Ouch!"
"Celly!" Luna got up and jumped over to her sister.
She ran into something unfamiliar.
A wicked grin lit Fleur-de-Lis' face. "Wrong." she drawled.
And then Fleur kneed Luna in the tased chest.
Celestia galloped through the garden as fast as she could. She halted abruptly when a smoking ball the size of a golf ball landed in front of her. Its fuse was sparked and nearing the rotund center.
Celestia froze in place, not knowing what to do. Fortunately, the cherry bomb decided for her.
A dark figure was silhouetted in the smoke. Celestia coughed, attempting to clear her lungs.
"That that, cunt!" the figure pumped its hoof. "Rule Eight: All ponies are equal. That means you, Princess Molestia!"
"Burn in hell!" Celestia shot several BBs st the figure.
The figure cringed, but the smoke was clearing. Fancy Pants stood regally, eight cherry bombs levitated and lit.
"Ah'm sure yew will. An' jus' so y'all know, Ah invited you student an' pals." he threw them and walked away with swag.
Celestia covered her eyes as the bombs blew.
The Great Redneck War of Equestria
"Y'all hurry up, I don't want us to be late!" Rarity ushered her friends onto the train. Fancy Pants had oddly requested that they speak Applejack and bring paintball guns, one for each mare.
"This is gonna be the greatest!" Applebloom told Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo as they climbed aboard.
Rarity sniffed. The Cutie Mark Crusaders were only coming because Applejack was weak-willed against fawn eyes.
The conductor shut the train door and with a hiss, the train started chugging forward.
"This is gonna be so totally fucking rad," Rainbow Dash told Twilight, unbeknownst to the fillies behind her.
"Applejack, what does fuck mean?" Applebloom asked.
"Uh, well sugarcube, it means, uh, OH LOOK, BISON!" Applejack dodged the question and pointed at the buffalo running outside the train.
Rainbow Dash opened the window. "HI, LITTLE STRONGHEART!" she yelled to her friend.
The small buffalo waved briefly, then the herd turned away from the train.
Rainbow Dash cradled her brand new paintball gun. She had treated them to Paintball Stuff Inc. in Cloudsdale. She bought the paintball pack with a state-of-the-art paintball gun and paintballs every color of the rainbow.
Fluttershy sat on a bench with her semi-automatic BB gun. "So, uh, it's nice to meet y'all," she told the gun.
The gun stood expressionlessly on the bench.
"Ah heard that we have to play a game in th' garden," Rarity waved a hoof. "Ah, for one, don't prefer such poppycock."
"Applejack, you didn't answer my question. What does fuck mean?" Applebloom tugged at her sister's tail.
"It uh, means that ah, it's a 'nother way of sayin' frick. Jus' keep sayin' frick, though. Granny'll tan your hide." Applejack answered awkwardly.
Scootaloo sniggered. "That was awesome."
Applejack looked blankly at her. "What?"
"We knew what it meant, we just wanted you to y'know, freak out." Scootaloo admitted.
"Why you little-" Twilight restained Applejack with magic.
"Hey Twilight, if you can teleport, and if ponies touch you when you're teleporting, can't we just go to Canterlot like snap ?" Rainbow Dash asked.
"Why, that's a good idea. Everypony hold onto me," Twilight readied herself.
Sweetie Belle crawled under her and tailgated Twilight. Pinkie looked like she enjoyed herself way too much when she put a hoof to Twilight's flank. Rainbow Dash held all the guns and put a wing on Twilight's back. Rarity felt Twilight's mane.
"This feels like good fabric," she murmured.
Scootaloo hugged Twilight's knees with Applebloom.
Fluttershy touched a wingtip to Twilight's nose.
"Boop,"
Twilight teleported to Canterlot.
She appeared in the Royal lobby. Smooth jazz was garbled by strange red spots on the stereos.
A wild guard lept out from behind a corner with an insane grin on his face. His expression fell when he saw who it was.
"Hello, welcome to the Redneck War, before you enter the arena you must abide by these rules. Rule One:..." the guard droned.
Rainbow Dash got excited when she heard that guns could be used. She passed out inferior guns and stroked her sleek black painball gun.
"Got it?" the guard asked.
"Got it," they said unanimously.
"Scoots, maybe we'll get our Cutie Marks from this!" Applebloom whispered.
"Sweet!" she whispered back.
The guard led them down the hall and gestured to a door with many small dents in it.
"May the odds be ever in your favor. Yeehaw!" he opened the door and pushed them in.
The Great Redneck War of Equestria
Chapter 3: Let the games begin
Rainbow Dash flew away, into the trees for cover. Twilight teleported somewhere within the arena. Pinkie used that fourth Wall thing. Applejack ran and the Cutie Mark Crusaders split. Rarity muttered something about mexicans. That only leaves Fluttershy quaking near the door.
A pair of cobalt eyes peered at her from a bush. They disappeared and a gun barrel replaced them. Fluttershy flew away, skimming over the treetops.
"Dammit Cadence! You said she would be an easy hit!" Shining Armor shouted. Then he screamed and suddenly went silent.
Fluttershy took safety in a tree. Her gaze hardened and she took out her semi-automatic BB sniper rifle. She set it up on the dense branch she was on. She wrapped her mane around her forehaed like a bandana. No poor bastard's gonna get within fifty feet of this Flutterbitch.
|>== ~>
Rainbow Dash rolled in mud. Not for fun, but for camoflage. Rainbow isn't exactly camo. She held her gun in wing, her hooves need to be free in case of brawl.
Ponies would expect a pegasus to attck from the sky, so expect the unexpected. Ferns shook in front of her and she readied her gun. Taking aim, she fired into the fronds.
A squeal revealed Luna, crawling in for attack like a worm.
Oh, huzzah, it is Rainbow Dash! The fun has been-"
Rainbow Dash opened fire. Luna was splattered with multicolored spots that she almost looked like Rainbow's mane. She galloped away, howling insults behind her and a hundred yards away, it appeared that she collapsed.
"All in a day's work," Rainbow Dash flipped the gun up and blew on the tip as if to blow smoke away. The result was a large yellow splotch on her muzzle.
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Applejack loaded her gun. She had already shown those shitheads that call themselves Crusaders what a true redneck is. With several stinging welts. Suddenly, something hit her on the flank. Hard.
"What the-?" Applejack examined the spot. Pale yellow. Fluttershy.
Another spot hit her. This time purple.
"Twilight!" Applejack stumbled toward the source. The last thing she saw before blacking out was a paintball gun mounted on a tree.
/>==__== ~~~-
Twilight loomed above the unconscious Applejack. Too easy.
Setting up traps had been smart.
She unrigged her paintball gun from the tree via magic. From what she remembered when she read about the Royal garden, it was roughly twenty acres in surface area. The map of the garden she memorized led her to believe that she was near a clearing that would make a perfect place for an encampment.
Twilight walked west for two hundred feet. Sure enough, there was a platoon of guards clustered around a shape on the ground.
Staying in the shadows, Twilight made her move. She unleashed fire and shot down at least half of the guards before the stupid brutes scattered.
She slowly made her way across the field to see what held their attention so closely. Her breath caught in her throat. It was a white coated, purple-maned mare. Rarity.
Twilight shook her head. This wasn't the time to greive. She had to get out of here.
O== PARTY!
Pinkie hopped through the woods soundlessly. To get serious, all she had to do is think.
You have no friends! Where are they? Oh yeah, thrying to shoot you Pinkamena sneered at Pinkie.
Pinkie deflated, mane becoming straight and coat turning dull. Along with this change came the sense of deadliness that Pinkamena offered.
Pinkamena stalked through the wilderness, a rabid wolf. She sniffed the air, sensing fear.
She unholstered her paintball gun. Loaded with pink paintballs, this baby's sure any target will get Pinkie-fied.
Hearing a snap to her right, she leaped, snarling at her adversatary.
The Great Redneck War of Equestria
"As of this point in the war, half of the population is knocked unconscious, therefore disqualifying them. The list of well-known ponies out: Princess Luna, Rarity, Applejack, Prince Shining Armor, and Spitfire. Return to shooting the shit out of each other."
The Great Redneck War of Equestria
Chapter 4: Fluttershy is a badass
Pinkamena Diane Pie crashed into Dreama Starnight.
"Aieeee!" Dreama shreiked as she was bombarded with pink paint.
"That's how we do it in Ponyville, faggot!" Pinkamena insulted.
She walked away, leaving Dreama to fend for herself.
Pinkamena was hit.
Examining the splatter, she saw it to be Fluttershy.
"Fluttershy!" she roared.
She was hit by another paintball. This time red.
The paintballs kept coming, circling around her.
Pinkamena took aim and shot at mysterious attacker.
Rainbow Dash rolled out of the trees, still shooting.
Pinkamena's chest was spattered with multicolored spots, some blending together.
She fired pink balls at Rainbow Dash and missed. Then she was hit on the back of the head by another paintball.
Considering her options, Pinkamena ruled out the Fourth Wall; she couldn't use it when in Rock Farm mode. She could flee, but that would make her a coward. Maybe she could go after Fluttershy, but that would-
A sting interrupted her train of thought. Rainbow Dash looked to her left in fear and flew away.
Suddenly, Celestia burst into sight and started firing her BB gun with a manic glint in her eyes.
Pinkamena shot her a few times with her paintball gun, but turned tail and fled toward Fluttershy.
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Fluttershy sat in her tree with a note of satisfaction. Operation Distract Pinkie had worked. Earlier on, she had made an alliance with Rainbow Dash. Fluttershy distracts and Rainbow Dash swoops in and shoots the living shit out of the poor sap she targets.
Suddenly a brown coat pops into sight. Fluttershy smiles and reloads her gun.
Taking careful aim, she hits the colt right on his flank.
Howling, he wheels around, seaching for his unseen sniper. Rainbow Dash comes in from above, swooping down and turned the colt into a living rainbow.
He's obviously down for the count. Fluttershy thought.
Rainbow Dash turns and heads back to Base T-R33.
Landing, Rainbow holsters her guns under her tucked-in wings. "The Doctor is down. Who next?"
Fluttershy thinks for a second, then says "The Crusaders. Get Apple Cloud after they're gone."
Rainbow Dash nodded. "Got it." she flew off in search of her prey.
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The Cutie Mark Crusaders wandered the large expanses of the garden with their guns at ready. All day they had heard screams and howls around them.
At the announcement of who was out, Scootaloo smirked. She was still rubbing the welt where she got shot.
"Okay, we're going after th' other ponies now. Applebloom, you're the distraction. I'll sneak up 'em an' then shoot. If things get hairy, Sweetie'll use her smokebombs to scare 'em off." Scootaloo explained.
"Sounds good!" Applebloom had no trouble speaking in a Southern accent.
"Sure." Sweetie Belle had a little trouble.
"We go. Applebloom, you walk on up ahead an' Sweetie an' me stay behind." Scootaloo directed.
Applebloom walked ahead noisily, attracting predator ponies. She wailed for effect.
A blue stallion flashed over the trees and peppered the ground with ice blue paint splats.
Scootaloo fired orange paintballs at the stallion.
She got a lucky hit in on the wing, which caused him to careen into the ravine that was twenty feet away.
Suddenly pain shot all up her back. She screamed a warning to the others and Sweetie set off a bomb to mask their escape.
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Rainbow Dash successfully took Scootaloo down.
"Sorry, squirt. Better luck next time," Rainbow Dash murmured.
Rainbow Dash spread her wings and flew through the trees, under the leaves. She stopped and hovered for a second, revealing her suspicions to be true: Somepony was there.
Jumping over the ravine, she blindly unleashed her paintballs upon whoever was down there.
She landed on the bottom of the ravine, a small stream pooling around her hooves. She saw three ponies collapsed around her.
In a fading cloud of red smoke, Sweetie Belle and Applebloom lay on a rock. Groaning, Applebloom struggled to get up.
Rainbow Dash shot her between the eyes. That got her down.
Lying farther away was Soarin'. Her heart clenched, but she fought it with unending paintballs. A moment later, she beat it into submission. For now.
Rainbow Dash took to the sky through an opening in the branches. She twirled in the air, relishing the feel of wind beneath her wings.
Something hit her on her wing base. She was going down, and nothing could stop her.
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Fluttershy raised her eye from the scope. "Bullseye."
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Twilight finished her last trap. Her hat perfectly blended in with the foliage; it was made of leaves.
Her trap design was supposed to take a pony up at enough Gs to knock them out, but without permanent harm to the brain. The result leaves said pony hanging up in the the tree.
Weirdly enough, somepony got caught in one at that very moment.
Twilight rushed over to see who it was. She heard a grunt, probably trying to escape.
Shit. I thought that would work. Twilight thought glumly.
Hanging high above was Princess Celestia. She swag glasses were askew, expression behind them angry.
"Well, look who we have here," Twilight smiled crookedly and levitated the glasses over to herself.
Twilight pulled out her paintball gun and massacred Celestia.
Celestia's BB gun fell to the ground. Upon landing, it shot a BB and hit Twilight in the hoof.
"Ow!" Twilight looked annoyed. She levitated the gun to herself and claimed the weapon. She left.
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When Twilight was gone, Celestia squirmed in the net. She lit her horn and shot a laser straight beneath her, causing her to fall to the garden floor.
"Well, that was easy." muttered the now-purple alicorn.
| |
Fluttershy sat in her tree, her safe haven. Suddenly, her tree started shaking.
She looked down. Pinkamena was climbing.
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The Great Redneck War of Equestria
Chapter 5: Why is there suddenly a random villain?
Meanwhile, in the Waiting Room
"Argh, I can believe that Buttershy shot me down," Spitfire grumbled in the plain white waiting room.
She recognized only a few of the faces. That orange filly, Scootaloo, had begged her for a signature on her flawlessly marmalade flank. She and has friend admired the faux Cutie Mark.
She also saw Princess Luna pouting in the corner, slowly becoming darker. Spitfire thought that was strange, but shrugged it off.
Shining Armor was sitting on a bench across from her, polishing his armor. It glinted in the fragile sunlight streaming through the small windows.
Spitfire sighed and turned back to her magazine, Equestria Daily .
Suddenly, the light disappeared and lightning-y sounds ensued.
"And the night. Shall last. FOREVER!" Luna cackled and the light returned.
Spitfire saw that her paintball-stained coat had been replaced by a coal black that almost sucked the light from the room. She now had blue armor other than her special horseshoes. An azure chestplate and helmet now inhabited her head and chest. Her eyes became cat-like and her voice was... different. Luna's mane and tail had more of a 'space' look to it.
The not-Luna blinked. "I'm not in the castle."
Spitfire snorted. "Yeah, you got out in that game you made. So you're here."
Not-Luna narrowed her eyes. "What game?"
Spitfire rolled her eyes and explained the rules of the game.
"So I have to talk... lahk thiys?" Not-Luna tried.
Spitfire nodded.
"Wail, then. For Nightmare Moon has returned! I will win the 'Redneck War' and bring Eternal Night! Muahahahahaha!" she crowed.
Spitfire widened her eyes. "N-Nightmare Moon?" she croaked.
Nightmare Moon chuckled darkly. "Yes, little foal. You shall be my Shadowbolt!"
Her mane/tail enveloped Spitfire. As she struggled to get free, she began to become angry.
Why doesn't Celestia help? she thought angrily.
A tingling sensation spread from her hooves to her mane. Then the starry substance slowly peeled away, revealing the dark alicorn.
Spitfire bowed to Nightmare Moon for no apparent reason.
"Your wish is my command, queen." she said robotically.
"Let us go out and shoot the shit out of other ponies! Join me in evil laughter once more!" she threw her head back and laughed manically.
Spitfire obeyed.
"Uh, Miss Bringer of Eternal Night?" a bored-looking earth pony tapped her on the shoulder. "Once you're out, you can't go back in."
Nightmare Moon stopped laughing and glared at the pony. Then her eyes glowed and the earth pony crumbled into fine ash.
"Now let us snipe Celestia!" she told Spitfire and they both walked back into the arena.
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The Great Redneck War of Equestria
Chapter 5: Who said anything about underage?
Rainbow Dash crashed into the coniferous section of the gardens, where she had shot the Cutie Mark Crusaders. She hit the ground hard, getting the air knocked out of her.
Rubbing her head, she looked up at the path she had made through the branches. A small black spot appeared in her lineof sight and she squinted, trying to make out what it was. She widened her eyes in realization just before it hit her in the head.
A half hour later, Dash awakened from her unconsciousness. A black paintball gun lay at her side.
"Of course, it just had to happen," she said under her breath.
Something groaned behind her and she tensed. Whirling around, Dash saw Soarin' dragging himself up out of the ravine.
"Help.... me.... Dash, cut.... on.... leg," he groaned.
"Oh, let me help you." she trotted overand leaned over, examining the slash. "That's a nasty cut."
"It.... hurts."
"I'm gonna help you." she stepped away and shot him in the face.
Soarin's eyes rolled beack in his head as he dropped to the bottom of the ravine.
"That was easy,"she remarked and walked off into the trees.
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Applebloom opened her eyes when she heard the thump. She glanced to the left and saw a powder-blue pegasus, unconscious.
Smugly, she crawled off of the rock she had been lying on. Applebloom dusted her hooves off and trotted up the steep side of the ravine.
Panting at the top, she heard the anouncement.
"There will be a Treat for anypony left in the game in the Meadow."
Applebloom considered the offer. Sure, she might get taken out, but it was worth the risk. Something new equals a new opportunity for a Cutie Mark.
Applebloom made up her mind and carefully made her way toward the Treat.
When she got there, she was awed by the enormous kegs in the Meadow. There was Applejack Daniels Cider, Dub Light Cider, Captain Moran Cider... every keg contained cider. There was also an abundance of Red Solo Cups scattered between the trees and the kegs.
She scanned the barren landscape for any signs of life. none. Applebloom tentatively stepped out of the foliage, but quickly drew back as Twilight appeared in a flash of light.
She levitated a Red Solo Cup over and mixed in several kinds of cider. She downed it and refilled. Twilight was guzzling cider like the world was ending.
"Miss Sparkle, that is enough cider."
She kept drinking.
"Miss Sparkle, we will send in Guards and you will be disqualified."
And that was when, in a brilliant moment of word association, Twilight Sparkle burst "Fuck da po-lice!"
And Applebloom joined in. "Fuck da po-lice!"
Then a sea of technicolor ponies swept into the clearing, inspired by her speech.
"Fuck da po-lice!" they chanted in the faces of the now-deployed Royal Guard.
They almost looked impressed. Then, one leaned over to another and whispered something. They all lit their horns and-
"Scatter!" somepony shouted and all the drunken ponies galloped or flew in different directions.
Somepony else busted the taps on the kegs, so they all gushed golden fluid of the gods..
Not one to lose an opportunity, Applebloom dashed up to a keg of Applejack Daniels and chugged as much as she hold at once and dashed into the woods.
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Nightmare Moon soared above the scene of pandemonium below. Once the crowd of intoxicated ponies dissipated, she landed to examine the destruction. Except she stumbled a bit upon landing and soon found herself doused from head to hoof lathered in cider.
Sputtering, she shook herself like a dog and got a whiff of the alchol fumes.
"I haven't had a good drink since Ah don't know when. This moonshine'll be good..." she said while eyeing the nearest keg.
|_|)
"Ermahgerd, this cider is GLORIOUS!" Apple Cloud panted while passing the Red Solo Cup to Blue Streak.
"It is glorious. GLORIOUS, we say!" Blue Streak gulped some and passed it to Dreama. "Damn, that's good."
Dreama drank what was left in the container and let in crash to the ground, shattering.
"I have to go take a piss," Blue Streak announced to the world. She walked into the trees and took a shit. "I have shat."
They cracked up for no other reason than the word shat.
"Hey, hey guys," Apple Cloud slurred.
"Whut?"
"We should- we should just go s-streaking. You might like that, Blue."
They all laughed drunkenly and stumbled into the trees. Three high-pitched yelps revealed the trio suspended up high in a tree, dangling from one of Twilight's nets. They were, of course, knocked out.
|_|)
Fluttershy ignored the announcement. She had a good idea of what it was, and she was just beginning to recover from her, er, little cider problem.
Snipershy waited until Pinkamena had almost reached the branch she was perched on.
The snarling, dull magenta earth pony was frothing at the mouth and had a grin plastered on that hinted at mental instability.
So basically it was your average Pinkie smile.
Fluttershy smirked at her and saluted before flying off. Pinkamena took a flying leap and grabbed Fluttershy's cankles, holding on with the force and grim determination of a pony who was obviously mentally unstable.
"Git off meh," Fluttershgy growled, Element of Kindness forgotten.
"Never," Pinkamena cackled, arrow-straight mane standing up as they began to fall.
With Fluttershy's incredibly small amount of wingpower, they plummeted down fifty feet to the smaller treetops below.
About a half hour later, Pinkamena stirred. She glanced around, and upon seeing that Fluttershy was down, she laughed with success. With a balloon-like sound, her mane poofed back to it's average poofiness.. She trotted smugly away.
Fluttershy peeked at Pinkamena (now Pinkie) through slit eyes. When Pinkie pranced happily away, Fluttershy got up and picked up her gun.
A crash made her cower on the garden floor. A tall, red earth pony came into sight and glanced down at her.
"Fluttershy, I've been looking for you," his deep voice rumbled.
"Oh, Big Mac, thank Celestia!" she got up and scampered underneath his legs for shelter.
He looked at her again, this time with a sultry look in his eye. "Eeyup,"
Realizing this new threat, Fluttershy took teh change of mood to her advantage. She backed away, bumping into something large.
Oh Luna, she thought, disgusted. "What's a big ol' strong guy doing all alone? This is war, you know," she flirted.
"Eeyup,"
Suddenly, in a whirl of screeching rose pony and BBs, Fluttershy was on the ground, knocked out.
"Nopony gets mah Big Mac," Cheerilee panted, fumes that smelled strongly of alcohol emanating from her breath.
The Great Redneck War of Equestria
"All ponies remaining head to the Mall for free beer and somewhat attractive mares!"
Nightmare Moon's head jerked up at the announcement. "Captain Spitfire, what is this 'beer' they speak of?"
"Beer is like moonshine, but legal." Spitfire traced an 'X' on the ground sadly. "They banned moonshine 'bout hundred years back."
"What? How dare Celestia ban moonshine! Shadowbolt, craft a distillery! We have work to do."
Science Woona rubbed her temples. "Now? Of all times, now she's triggering the alert?" She fazed forlornly at the pile of moonstone. "You guys'll had to wait for your makeover. Woona AWAY!" She leaped into the void as a blue portal opened up.
"Haha! The pwning has been doubled! Gamer Luna cried into the headset as her camouflaged avatar assassinated a white hooded figure. We believe the correct term would be 'suck my dick, pussy!'!"
The headset garbled out into static as a telepathic message was sent to the Princess of Week Old Pizza. "Now?" She sighed and turned off her console. The link affirmed.
She groaned. She wanted to play Lollipop Chainsaw after Call of Dutes! Gamer Luna reluctantly walked into the blue ringed portal.
Molestia looked up from the manga she was reading. Whatever Equestrian Luna needed must be important!
"Lemme finish this last page of questionable manga art and I will be on my way," she garbled out in her thick, stereotype-ish accent.
The voice in her head sighed at it's embarrassing relative.
"Hey, yaoi is a beautiful concept!" Molestia defended. "It's just a little bestiality, that's all!"
The source of the voice threw up in her mouth a little bit. "Look, a limited edition Hetalia Italy doll!"
"Das miiiiiiiiine!" Molestia screeched as she soared into the portal.
"Howdy, y'all," Nightmare Moon began speaking to the assembly of Lunas before her. "Now that y'all know the rules, y'all can play. Badass Luna, did ya bring th' paintball guns?"
"Ah didn't know it was s'posed to be non-lethal weapons. Ya jus' said ta bring guns n' ammo." Badass Luna pointed a hoof behind her. "Can Ah go 'n git muh paintball 'n BB rifles?"
Nightmare Moon nodded and Badass Luna left via portal. A couple very awkward minutes later, Badass Luna returned from an orange portal, appearing to be a walking mound of artillery.
"Thank ya fer yer charit'ble donation, Badass Luna," Nightmare Moon said.
""Mmfgudmul," Badass Luna replied.
"EveryLuna take arms," Nightmare commanded. CthLuna seemed especially eager to grab a semi-automatic BB rifle with her black mouth-tentacles.
"Pillage the others! Take whatever you need to build a distilling tank!"Nightmare Moon cried as she sat behind Spitfire on Bumpkin Luna's four-wheeler. "Tonight," she paused for dramatic effect. "We ride! Yah!" She kicked Spitfire's sides to make her rev the vehicle.
The Lunas cheered. "YEAH!"
A musclebound white pegasus popped out of the bushes behind them. "YEAH!" Then he slowly slipped back into the bushes when the army of Lunas whirled around to stare at him.
Cyborg Lungs raised a hoof meekly. "Should we go after him?"
"Go! He heard our plans to make moonshine! Go! GO!"
Cyborg Luna, Mentally Unstable Luna, and TrolLuna charged into the woods after the pony who was clearly on steroids.
"Twilight Sparkle and the one called Applejack had materials to make moonshine," Eerily Calm Luna said calmly.
"Psychic Luna, Six Million Dollar Luna, LUNA-5000, go get the supplies!" Nightmare Moon commanded.
"NIGHT. WILL. LAST. FOREVER." LUNA-5000 replied.
After a few minutes of planning, Nightmare Moon laid out the full plan. "Got it?" She asked, looking for raised hooves. "And for the third time, we are not slaughtering all the other races, Racist Luna!"
Racist Luna stared glumly at the ground as she lowered her hoof.
"Luna Squad, roll out!" Nightmare kicked Spitfire again and the navy-clad Pegasus got the machine to actually start.